1 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,708 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:13,047 * ALL THE SHADOWS IN THE CITY * 3 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,717 * USED TO LOVE YOU, WHAT A PITY * 4 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:20,988 * I MISS THE QUESTIONS YOU USED TO ASK ME * 5 00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:25,093 * BORED TO DEATH, CUT, MAD AND LONELY * 6 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:28,962 * BORED TO DEATH, CUT, MAD AND LONELY... * 7 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:30,898 - ( COUGHS ) - * BORED TO DEATH 8 00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,501 * CUT, MAD AND LONELY. 9 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,704 ( whistle blows ) 10 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:55,589 I NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO TRY OUT FOR "THE NEW YORKER" BEFORE, 11 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,758 BUT NOW I'M READY. 12 00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,560 IS THIS MAGAZINE STILL AROUND? 13 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:03,397 OF COURSE. ANYWAY, I THINK I CAN WIN THIS CONTEST. 14 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,333 I'M GOING TO TURN MY CASES INTO STORIES, 15 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,701 BUT I NEED TO COME UP WITH A HEROIC ALTER EGO. 16 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,172 - LIKE YOU DID WITH SUPER RAY. - I HAVE A NEW ALTER ALTER EGO: 17 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:13,807 - KEVIN BACON. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN KEVIN BACON? 18 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,944 HE EMAILED ME THIS MORNING. SOMEHOW HE SAW "THE BIRTH OF SUPER RAY." 19 00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:21,215 HE WANTS TO MEET TONIGHT. HE THINKS HE CAN OPTION IT FOR LIKE $10,000. 20 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,551 MY GOD, THIS IS HUGE! HE WANTS TO PLAY SUPER RAY? 21 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:26,454 YES. HE THINKS IT CAN FINALLY BE HIS BIG FRANCHISE CHARACTER. 22 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,123 KIND OF LIKE A DRUNKEN BATMAN WITH A BIG COCK. 23 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,058 THIS IS AMAZING. I LOVE KEVIN BACON. 24 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,261 - YEAH, ME TOO. - ( phone ringing ) 25 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,629 OH, IT'S GEORGE. I'VE GOT TO GRAB THIS REAL QUICK. 26 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,565 I'M GONNA GET SOME MORE ICED COFFEE. IT'S FREE REFILLS. 27 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,400 - HELLO, GEORGE? - HEY, JONATHAN. 28 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,203 I'M JUST CALLING TO CONFIRM-- 8:30, YOUR CLASS, RIGHT? 29 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,172 YES, AND YOU CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT. 30 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,106 IT-- YOU KNOW, WRITING RELATED. 31 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:49,177 OH, I'M GONNA GIVE A GOOD TALK, I PROMISE. I'M FEELING VERY INSPIRED. 32 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:52,012 I JUST WROTE WHAT MIGHT BE MY BEST COLUMN EVER. 33 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,547 - OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. - ( phone rings ) 34 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,749 OH HEY, GOTTA GO. I GOT ANOTHER CALL COMING IN. 35 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,385 - HELLO? - HELLO. 36 00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,421 - HELLO, WHO'S THIS? - Jonathan: Hello, George? 37 00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:04,458 - George? - ( dial tone ) 38 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,960 THANK YOU. 39 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,697 ( gasps ) OH MY GOD, YOU JUST SPILLED COFFEE ON MY BABY! 40 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,666 I'M SO-- I'M SO SORRY! IT'S ICED COFFEE. IT'S JUST ICED COFFEE. 41 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,236 - OH MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE. - I THINK YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE. 42 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,205 ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S JUST ICED COFFEE. 43 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:19,039 I HAD MUCH WORSE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I WAS A KID. 44 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,242 - IT'S FINE. - DON'T TELL ME HOW MY CHILD IS DOING! 45 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,577 - ( baby wailing ) - ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE? 46 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,746 CAN I GET ANOTHER REFILL, PLEASE? 47 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,515 I'M SORRY. OW, FUCK! 48 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:33,053 WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN 86'd FROM A CAFE. 49 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,589 SCREW THOSE BROOKLYN MOMS. I HATE WOMEN. 50 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,459 REALLY? WHAT ABOUT THE NEW WOMAN YOU'RE DATING? 51 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,294 OH, I GOTTA BREAK UP WITH HER. 52 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,796 SHE'S PARANOID, NEEDY AND JEALOUS. 53 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,466 ALL OF WHICH MAKE HER GOOD IN BED, BUT THE REST OF THE TIME 54 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:48,269 - IT IS HELL. - MAN, THAT DOES SOUND BAD. 55 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,238 SHE ALSO HACKED INTO MY EMAIL ACCOUNT 56 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,805 AND PUT HER PICTURE ON MY PHONE. 57 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:55,576 EVERYTIME I MAKE A CALL I HAVE TO SEE HER FACE. 58 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,578 OH MY GOD, THAT'S JENNIFER GLADWELL. I KNOW HER! 59 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,847 - BROOKLYN IS SO SMALL. - WAIT, HOW DO YOU KNOW HER? 60 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,283 SHE'S ONE OF MY FIRST CLIENTS. SHE'S DEFINITELY NUTS. 61 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,951 SHE HIRED ME TO TAIL HER BOYFRIEND. 62 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,986 I'M GONNA BREAK UP WITH HER LATER. I WANNA FEEL 63 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,522 LIKE EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER BEFORE MY MEETING WITH KEVIN BACON. 64 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,591 SO IF HE OPTIONS IT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE MONEY? 65 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,160 WELL, PROBABLY GET SOME HEALTH INSURANCE. GO TO THE DENTIST. 66 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,028 I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE DENTIST IN 14 YEARS. 67 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:17,064 I HAVE MORE PLAQUE ON MY TEETH THAN TEETH. 68 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,300 SHIT, 14 YEARS? WHAT ELSE? 69 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,335 I DON'T KNOW. I'LL GET SOME DRAWING PENCILS, 70 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,070 A NEW INSULIN PUMP FOR MY MOM, 71 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:26,440 MAYBE COVER UP SOME OF THESE VARICOSE VEINS. 72 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,178 COME COME. 73 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:34,882 SO, TABLE FOR ONE, MY FRIEND? 74 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,084 - HMM? - JONATHAN AMES. 75 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,287 - YES. - HE'S FOR ME, AKHIL. 76 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,557 HELLO. 77 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,593 YOU MUST BE LAKSHMI BHARGAVA. 78 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:48,228 VERY GOOD. I'M IMPRESSED BY YOUR PRONUNCIATION. 79 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,564 THANK YOU. I LISTEN TO A LOT OF N.P.R. 80 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,267 COME. 81 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:57,571 SO HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MRS. BHARGAVA. 82 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,541 WELL, I'M SO ASHAMED TO SAY THIS, 83 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:04,177 BUT I SUSPECT MY HUSBAND OF 15 YEARS, VIKRUM, 84 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,647 IS HAVING A LOVE AFFAIR. 85 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,617 - WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO? - HE'S A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, 86 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:13,554 BUT HE'S BEEN COMING HOME FOR WEEKS ONLY AFTER I'VE GONE TO SLEEP. 87 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,156 - WHAT EXCUSE DOES HE GIVE? - NO EXCUSE. 88 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:20,428 HE MUST BE WITH A WOMAN WHO COOKS BACON AFTER THEY MAKE LOVE. 89 00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:24,264 I SMELL IT ON HIS CLOTHES AND HIS BALD HEAD. 90 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,500 I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED A POET! 91 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:31,071 BUT IT WAS ARRANGED. STILL I-- I'VE COME TO LOVE HIM. 92 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,374 HE'S A LIMO DRIVER AND A POET? 93 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:35,876 THAT'S GREAT. I'M A DETECTIVE AND A WRITER. 94 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,512 IT'S GOOD TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE PROFESSION. I ALSO TEACH. 95 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,515 I DON'T CARE. I JUST WANT YOU TO FOLLOW MY HUSBAND. 96 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,016 RIGHT. 97 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,606 OH! UH HEY, BUDDY? 98 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,408 WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND POUR ME ANOTHER ONE? 99 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,710 THIS TIME MAKE IT A BIG-GIRL GLASS. 100 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,885 JENNIFER, I-- JESUS CHRIST. 101 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,987 JENNIFER, I HATE TO, UM, 102 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,924 SPRING THIS ON YOU RIGHT HERE, 103 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,826 BUT I THINK THAT 104 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,862 MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP SEEING EACH OTHER. 105 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:06,133 JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE. YOU KNOW, MAYBE TAKE A BREAK. 106 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,736 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T WANT TO TAKE A BREAK. 107 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:11,304 - I REALLY LIKE YOU. - I JUST HAVE A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON RIGHT NOW. 108 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,206 WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 109 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,075 MY BIG MEETING WITH KEVIN BACON TONIGHT-- 110 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:18,412 SO YOU CAN'T DATE ME 'CAUSE YOU'RE SEEING KEVIN BACON? 111 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,514 I'M NOT SEEING HIM. I HAVE A MEETING. 112 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:23,551 - THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND LIKE. - I'M NOT DATING KEVIN BACON. 113 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,419 WELL, I DON'T KNOW, ARE YOU? 114 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,688 I DON'T-- I MEAN-- WHAT? 115 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,289 NO. 116 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,891 I JUST WANT TO FOCUS ON MY WORK. 117 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,893 OKAY? 118 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,562 IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU. 119 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,697 NO, THAT'S BACKWARDS. 120 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,331 YOU SAY, "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME" 121 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,200 - TO SOMEONE. - RIGHT. 122 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,869 IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. 123 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,271 ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE HONEST WITH ME, RAY, OKAY? 124 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,206 I CAN TAKE IT. 125 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,976 OKAY, I WILL BE HONEST. 126 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:53,547 YOU DRINK TOO MUCH AND I'M NOT USED TO IT. 127 00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,483 I LIKE TO BE THE HEAVY DRINKER IN A RELATIONSHIP. 128 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,051 SO I'LL QUIT DRINKING. I'VE DONE IT A MILLION TIMES. 129 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,387 I QUIT THREE WEEKS AGO, OKAY? I CAN DO IT AGAIN. 130 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,490 OKAY LOOK, HERE. 131 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,527 AND THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. 132 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,729 IT'S OVER. WAIT. 133 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,633 - IT'S OVER. - JENNIFER, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 134 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,569 BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH FOR ME. 135 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:19,372 SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU ONE DAY, I PROMISE YOU. 136 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,810 IT'S JUST LIKE DYLAN SAID: IT AIN'T ME, BABE. 137 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:26,680 - DID YOU JUST QUOTE BOB DYLAN? - YES, BECAUSE YOU LOVE BOB DYLAN. 138 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,150 OKAY, THIS IS NOW THE MOST DISGUSTING BREAKUP 139 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,152 OF MY LIFE. 140 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,570 DO YOU HAVE A AIR DRYER IN THE BATHROOM OR ARE THERE PAPER TOWELS? 141 00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,354 SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. 142 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,658 I CAN'T GET 42 DOWN. CAN YOU HELP ME? 143 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:14,361 THE ANSWER TO 42 DOWN IS "NINCOMPOOP." 144 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:17,330 NINCOMPOOP! OH MAN, THANK YOU. 145 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,400 I HAD THE POOP PART, BUT NOT THE NINCOM. 146 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,571 NINCOMPOOP'S NOT A WORD ONE HEARS EVERY DAY, 147 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,739 BUT I GOT THE ANSWER IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE, WELL, 148 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,441 THAT'S WHAT I AM-- A BLOODY NINCOMPOOP. 149 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,478 WELL, I'VE JUST MET YOU, BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE A NINCOMPOOP TO ME. 150 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,781 WELL, I AM. I'M A POET WHO CAN'T BE PUBLISHED 151 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,583 AND I'M A DRIVER WHO DOESN'T DRIVE. 152 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,251 THE TWO THINGS I LOVE, I FAIL AT. 153 00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,989 WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE ANYMORE? 154 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,491 I WAS LET GO. FOR 12 YEARS I GAVE EVERYTHING I HAD 155 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,760 TO THE NUMBER ONE LIMO COMPANY IN NEW YORK, 156 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,629 BUT THEY SHOW ME NO RESPECT. 157 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,998 NUMBER ONE IN N.Y., THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. 158 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:54,501 NO, THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE COMPANY, BUT WE WERE NUMBER ONE IN QUEENS. 159 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,737 - HAVE YOU TRIED OTHER COMPANIES? - YES. 160 00:08:56,837 --> 00:09:00,007 37 APPLICATIONS SO FAR, BUT NO LUCK. 161 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,175 SO I SIT HERE, 162 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,244 HIDING FROM MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, 163 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:07,214 TOO ASHAMED TO FACE HER. 164 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,053 I KNOW YOUR WIFE. 165 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,422 LAKSHMI BHARGAVA. 166 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,792 HEY, YOUR PRONUNCIATION-- HOW DO YOU KNOW HER? 167 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,762 I'M A PRIVATE DETECTIVE. SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR, 168 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,964 - SO SHE HIRED ME TO FOLLOW YOU. - WHAT? 169 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,567 WELL, HOW MUCH DO YOU COST? WE CAN'T AFFORD YOU. I LOST MY JOB. 170 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,937 MY RATES ARE VERY REASONABLE. BUT DON'T YOU SEE? 171 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,805 SHE LOVES YOU. 172 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,274 AND SHE'LL BE RELIEVED TO KNOW THAT THIS IS ALL THAT'S GOING ON. 173 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,711 LOOK, I KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU AND YOUR WIFE. 174 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,279 YOU LOST YOUR JOB?! 175 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,948 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME. 176 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,851 WE HAVE A MORTGAGE. GET OUT! 177 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,653 POET. 178 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,955 NO NO, HE COULDN'T HELP IT. IT'S THE ECONOMY. 179 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,457 HE FILLED OUT 37 APPLICATIONS. 180 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,559 AT LEAST HE'S NOT CHEATING ON YOU, RIGHT? 181 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,495 THIS IS WORSE. THIS JEOPARDIZES EVERYTHING. 182 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,931 YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DETECTIVE. 183 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,300 - I'M NOT PAYING YOU. - WAIT A SECOND-- WAIT! 184 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,071 YOU LOVE HIM; HE LOVES YOU; CASE CLOSED. I'M A GOOD DETECTIVE! 185 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,106 ( shouts ) 186 00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,679 IDIOT! 187 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,782 - YOU'VE WRECKED MY LIFE. - BUT-- 188 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,350 ( shouts in Hindi ) 189 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:25,458 TABLE FOR ONE? 190 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,695 "WE NEED TO-- WE NEED TO DEFEND 191 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:32,465 THE WRITTEN WORD." AH, THAT'S BETTER. 192 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:36,036 "BOOKS ARE ESSENTIAL TO OUR HUMANITY. 193 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,606 WE NEED TO DEFEND THE WRITTEN WORD." 194 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,574 - THAT IS SO GOOD. - GEORGE. 195 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,910 OH HI. COME ON IN. 196 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,678 I'M JUST WORKING ON THIS TALK 197 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,814 I HAVE TO GIVE TO THIS WRITING CLASS TONIGHT. 198 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,882 YOU KNOW, RALLY THE YOUTH AND ALL OF THAT. 199 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,918 SIT DOWN ACTUALLY. LET ME DO IT FOR YOU. COME ON. 200 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,986 - WELL, GEORGE, I-- - I WAS THINKING, 201 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:56,656 SPEAKING TO YOUNG WRITERS IS SOMETHING THAT I COULD DO FOR THE MAGAZINE. 202 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,792 YOU KNOW, I COULD GO AROUND THE COUNTRY-- 203 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,361 LIKE MARK TWAIN, RIGHT? 204 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,363 YOU KNOW, GIVING INSPIRATIONAL TALKS. 205 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:06,566 - MARK TWAIN? - I COULD ALSO, YOU KNOW, LIKE WEAR ONE OF THOSE, 206 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:10,537 UH, WHAT DO YOU CALL 'EM? YOU KNOW, PROSTHETIC MUSTACHES. 207 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:14,742 IT COULD BE VERY THEATRICAL. MARK TWAIN HAD WHITE HAIR AS WELL. 208 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:17,711 YOU KNOW? AND HE LOVED THREE-PIECE SUITS. I'M JUST SAYING. 209 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,546 WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LATER, GEORGE, 210 00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,048 BUT A MORE PRESSING ISSUE 211 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,984 IS THAT WE NEED TO CUT COLUMNS FROM THE MAGAZINE. 212 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,153 UGH, AGAIN? 213 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:30,123 ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THE ASTROLOGY COLUMN? 214 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,025 WE CAN LOSE THAT. IT'S FRIVOLOUS. 215 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,062 NO, IT'S VERY POPULAR. THE PEOPLE LOVE IT. 216 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,865 I'M SORRY, GEORGE, BUT THE BOARD IN DALLAS 217 00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,867 WANTS TO CUT YOUR COLUMN. 218 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,570 MY "BY GEORGE" COLUMN? 219 00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,372 OH NO NO NO NO. 220 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,175 KATHERINE, KATH-- I'VE WRITTEN THAT FOR 20 YEARS. 221 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:52,079 JUST THIS MORNING I WROTE MY BEST PIECE EVER 222 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,380 ABOUT MY PROSTATE. 223 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,549 OH NO NO NO. THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. 224 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,886 I KNOW, GEORGE, BUT THEY ARE ADAMANT. 225 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,721 - THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO. - NO, KATHERINE, 226 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:04,992 I AM MY COLUMN. 227 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,995 I MEAN, I'M WRITING IT IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME. 228 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,831 WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD, UM, KEEP A DIARY. 229 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,565 I'M SORRY, WHAT? A DIARY? 230 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,935 OH... 231 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,505 YOU KNOW, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING HERE. 232 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:21,541 WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU SEE AS MY ROLE HERE AT THE MAGAZINE? 233 00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:24,244 - I KNOW IT'S BEEN DIMINISHED, GEORGE. - DIMINISHED? 234 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,814 BUT YOU'RE STILL VERY GOOD AT COCKTAIL PARTIES. 235 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,282 OUR ADVERTISERS LOVE YOU. 236 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,684 COCKTAIL PARTIES? 237 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,021 WELL, 238 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:38,358 MAYBE I'LL HAVE A LITTLE DRINK RIGHT NOW THEN. 239 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,895 YEAH, HEY, COCKTAIL PARTY. 240 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,663 "HEY I'M GEORGE CHRISTOPHER. 241 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:47,467 YOU'RE FROM DALLAS. OH, YOU MUST BE AN ASSHOLE." 242 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,344 JONATHAN? 243 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,212 OH HEY, NINA. 244 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:02,515 COME IN, COME IN. 245 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785 ARE YOU OKAY? WE CAN RESCHEDULE THIS IF YOU WANT. 246 00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,021 NO NO, IT'S FINE. I JUST, UM, 247 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:11,591 I DESTROYED A MAN'S LIFE TODAY. 248 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,126 THAT HAPPENS. 249 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,262 I DESTROYED SOMEONE LAST WEEK. 250 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:19,099 BUT PEOPLE ARE A LOT STRONGER THAN WE GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR. 251 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:23,236 AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY THERAPIST SAYS. 252 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:24,537 THAT'S TRUE. 253 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,908 UH, OKAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME. LET'S DISCUSS YOUR STORY. 254 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,548 WELL, FIRST OF ALL I LOVE YOUR PROSE. 255 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,818 THANK YOU! THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME. 256 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,420 MY MAIN QUESTION IS THIS: 257 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,858 IS IT BELIEVABLE THAT A BEAUTIFUL 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL 258 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:47,094 WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH A HIGH-SCHOOL TEACHER 259 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,329 WHO HAS A WEAK CHIN AND FOREHEAD PSORIASIS? 260 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,598 OH YES, IT IS BELIEVABLE. 261 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:55,302 TEACHERS CAN BE VERY CHARISMATIC. 262 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,338 REALLY? 263 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,448 YOU HAVE A VERY BEAUTIFUL HAND. 264 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,217 - THANK YOU. - ( exhales ) 265 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:13,887 I'M SORRY. THAT WAS NOT APPROPRIATE. 266 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,155 YOU'RE MY STUDENT. 267 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,891 JONATHAN, I'M ALMOST YOUR AGE. 268 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,027 YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. 269 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,829 I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU-- 270 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,132 THE VIRGINITY SCENE IN YOUR NOVEL 271 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:28,068 IS REALLY HOT EVEN THOUGH YOU-- 272 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:32,105 I MEAN YOUR NARRATOR-- HAD A PREMATURE EJACULATION. 273 00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:38,411 - ( knocks ) - OH HI, GEORGE. 274 00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,080 COME IN. WE WERE JUST-- 275 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,149 THIS IS MY STUDENT NINA CASSIDY. 276 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,084 - HI. - NINA, THIS IS GEORGE CHRISTOPHER. 277 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:46,853 - HE'S MY MENTOR. - MENTOR? 278 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,522 - HI. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU. 279 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,925 GEORGE IS GONNA SPEAK TO OUR CLASS TONIGHT. 280 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,461 OH REALLY? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT? 281 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,229 AH. 282 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:59,399 SO JUST LIKE I HAVE CANCER OF THE PROSTATE, 283 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,569 THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY ALSO HAS CANCER. 284 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:05,605 MAGAZINES ARE DYING. 285 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,109 BOOKS ARE DYING. 286 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,710 NEWSPAPERS ARE DYING. 287 00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:16,583 PRINT IS DEAD. 288 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,420 QUESTIONS? 289 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,923 ANYBODY? 290 00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:26,659 OKAY, THAT WAS BLEAK. 291 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,230 THANK YOU, GEORGE, BUT LIKE THINGS WITH THE ENVIRONMENT, 292 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,266 WE HAVE AT LEAST A FEW MORE YEARS BEFORE THE END OF TIME. 293 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,937 I ALWAYS HAVE THIS DREAM WHERE I'M FLYING, YOU KNOW? 294 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,539 AND THEN I WAKE UP AND I'M HEARTBROKEN 295 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,808 THAT I CAN'T FLY. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS? 296 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,210 I DON'T KNOW. I NEVER DREAM. 297 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,112 I SMOKE POT RIGHT BEFORE I GO TO BED, 298 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,280 AND IT SHUTS DOWN THE DREAM SIDE OF MY BRAIN. 299 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,550 RIGHT. YOU KNOW, THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SUPER RAY-- 300 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,187 IS THAT HE FLIES. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY A SUPERHERO WHO COULD FLY. 301 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,256 - OH, GREAT, I-- - LISTEN, ABOUT MY PROCESS. 302 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,791 I'M GONNA NEED TO GET CLOSE TO YOU. 303 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,793 MAYBE MOVE IN, 304 00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:04,464 WEAR YOUR CLOTHES, T-SHIRTS-- KINDA GET YOUR SCENT ON ME. 305 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,433 - REALLY? THAT'S NECESSARY? - DEFINITELY. 306 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,501 I'M JUST GONNA WARN YOU-- I DON'T WEAR DEODORANT. 307 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,370 I GOTTA TELL YOU, I THINK IT'S AMAZING 308 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,272 THAT HE USES HIS HUGE COCK AS A WEAPON. 309 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,407 I MEAN THAT'S JUST AWESOME. 310 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,110 I MEAN THAT JUST SEEMS REALLY TRUE TO LIFE. 311 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,079 THANKS. I KINDA SEE HIS HUGE COCK 312 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,148 AS LIKE THOR'S HAMMER. 313 00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,650 YEAH WELL, I CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT. 314 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:36,596 I'M SORRY, JONATHAN. I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRECK YOUR CLASS. 315 00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,499 IT'S JUST... 316 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:43,002 BETWEEN THE CANCER AND THINGS FALLING APART 317 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:47,340 AT THE MAGAZINE I'M JUST ALL MUDDLED. 318 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:51,178 - I'M SORRY, GEORGE. - AND I'M NOT GONNA QUIT, SO DON'T EVEN SUGGEST IT, 319 00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:53,380 BUT I THINK I'M ADDICTED TO MARIJUANA AGAIN. 320 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,882 - OH NO, WHY? - WELL, FOR ONE THING 321 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,451 I'M NOT HAPPY UNLESS I'M STONED. 322 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,321 THE OTHER NIGHT I GOT HIGH 323 00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,590 AND I TOOK A WALK AND I... 324 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,692 SEPARATED FROM MY SHADOW. 325 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,128 SHIT, THAT DOES SOUND STRANGE. 326 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,397 OH-- AND THEN I'M DRIVING STONED 327 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,465 AND THAT'S JUST DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW. 328 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,135 ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WHEN I'M SMOKING 329 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,537 THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT SIDES OF MY BODY 330 00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:22,309 JUST, YOU KNOW, DON'T COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. 331 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,612 DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANNA HIRE A DRIVER? 332 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,818 ( Jonathan groans ) 333 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,053 YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. 334 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,556 YOUR DRIVING REALLY HAS DETERIORATED. 335 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:40,593 YEAH, I KNOW. THAT MARIJUANA MAKES PARKING ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT. 336 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,895 IT'S A SPATIAL ISSUE. 337 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:46,433 HEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME OUT WITH THIS, GEORGE. 338 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,401 - AH. - I NEVER SHOULD HAVE MEDDLED. 339 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,770 YEAH, IN LIFE WHEN IN DOUBT, NEVER MEDDLE. 340 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,306 IT ONLY CAUSES PROBLEMS. 341 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,377 HE SHOULD BE HERE. 342 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,848 THERE'S VIKRUM. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT. 343 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:05,652 - YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HIM REALLY HAPPY. - EVERYBODY GET ON THE GROUND! 344 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:09,021 AND THROW YOUR CELL PHONES TO THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. NOW! 345 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,890 VIKRUM, VIKRUM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 346 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,993 YOU! YOU IDIOT DETECTIVE. 347 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,196 GET ON THE FLOOR! BOTH OF YOU. 348 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,930 I JUST HAD MY SUIT DRY-CLEANED 349 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,732 AND I HAVE A BAD KNEE TOO ACTUALLY. 350 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,100 DO YOU MIND IF I STAND? 351 00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,869 DRY-CLEAN? 352 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,204 SHUT UP! 353 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,573 VIKRUM, DON'T DO THIS. DON'T DO-- 354 00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,181 THIS IS WHO YOU WANTED ME TO HIRE? 355 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,183 - HE'S NOT REALLY LIKE THIS. - WELL? 356 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:39,085 I CAN TALK HIM DOWN. 357 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,255 VIKRUM. VIKRUM, LISTEN TO ME. 358 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,291 JUST GIVE ME THE GUN, OKAY? 359 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,193 - YOU'LL GO TO PRISON. - I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. 360 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,995 I ALREADY SEE ALL OF LIFE AS A PRISON. AT LEAST WHEN I WAS A DRIVER 361 00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,997 I WAS IN A MOVING PRISON. 362 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,032 VIKRUM, YOU CAN'T GIVE UP. 363 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:56,703 I'M ALSO A STRUGGLING WRITER, BUT I'M GONNA SUBMIT A STORY TO "THE NEW YORKER." 364 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,372 DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT "THE NEW YORKER." 365 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,942 THOSE BASTARDS REJECTED 66 OF MY POEMS. 366 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:07,146 HEY, YOU KNOW, THEY REJECTED ALL OF MY SUBMISSIONS TO THE CAPTION CONTEST. 367 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,216 MAYBE IT'S JUST THE MAGAZINE. 368 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,586 I'M NOT MECHANICALLY INCLINED. 369 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,223 VIKRUM, YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG YET, OKAY? 370 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,359 - YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY MONEY. - THAT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T OPEN THE DRAWER. 371 00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,294 NO, IF YOU REALLY WANTED MONEY YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN 372 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,830 EVERYONE'S WALLETS AND JEWELRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T. 373 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:27,133 EVERYBODY! THROW YOUR WALLETS AND JEWELRY TO THE CENTER OF THE FLOOR! 374 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,702 - THANK YOU. - NICE ONE. 375 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,472 UGH, JESUS. 376 00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,774 SO I CAN TRY TO GAIN THE WEIGHT, 377 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,176 BUT CHANCES ARE I'M PROBABLY GONNA HAVE TO GO WITH A FAT SUIT. 378 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:40,313 UH WELL, I'M REALLY NOT FAT. 379 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:43,683 I MEAN, I KINDA SEE MYSELF AS STOCKY OR PORTLY 380 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:46,853 AND I MEAN, YOU CAN WEAR A STOCKY SUIT OR A PORTLY SUIT. 381 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,521 YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. 382 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:51,123 WELL, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE IN THE BELLY AREA. 383 00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,892 I'M JUST KINDA WASHBOARDY. 384 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,328 YOU KNOW, SO I CAN JUST PAD THAT UP A LITTLE BIT. 385 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,497 AND, UH, I'LL TRY TO GROW THE BEARD BUT REALLY 386 00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:00,500 THIS IS ALL I GET AND I'M JUST HIGHLY EVOLVED. 387 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,436 OH, GOD DAMN IT, MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. 388 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,506 - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. - RAY? 389 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,741 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE HERE. 390 00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:11,411 JENNIFER, THIS IS KEVIN BACON. KEVIN THIS IS JENNIFER. 391 00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:14,414 - HI. KEVIN BACON. - OH, HE'S BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT MEETING YOU. 392 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,283 I THOUGHT HE WAS LYING. ( chuckles ) 393 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,850 WHICH HE DOES PATHOLOGICALLY. 394 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,819 - EXCUSE ME? - JENNIFER, WILL YOU JUST PLEASE-- 395 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,188 - I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S MADE LOVE TO YOU YET. - NO NOT YET. 396 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,424 WHEN HE DOES YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL 397 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:27,427 BECAUSE HE GAVE ME ORAL CHLAMYDIA OF THE MOUTH. 398 00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:30,129 - I-- WHAT? - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD GET ORAL CHLAMYDIA. 399 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,698 I'VE ONLY HAD IT THE NORMAL WAY. 400 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,300 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 401 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,102 DON'T TOUCH MY ELBOW! THAT IS ASSAULT. 402 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,770 - THAT'S NOT COOL, BRO. - HE ASSAULTED ME. 403 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,972 WHEN YOU DON'T WANNA BE TOUCHED THAT IS ASSAULT. 404 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,376 - YEAH, THAT IS THE LEGAL DEFINITION. - I DID NOT ASSAULT YOU. 405 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:44,944 YES, YOU DID, SUPER CHLAMYDIA. 406 00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:47,347 DON'T-- BUT I DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA, KEVIN. I DON'T. 407 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:51,117 - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - THIS FAT BULLY GAVE ME AN S.T.D. AND ASSAULTED ME. 408 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,886 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. AN S.T.D.? YOU'RE OUT OF HERE. 409 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,622 EXCUSE ME. 410 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:02,495 OH, OWW! 411 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,497 NO NO NO, THAT IS NOT COOL, MAN. 412 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,699 - ( camera phones clicking ) - I'M AN ACTOR! 413 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,936 WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I'VE MADE A LIVING OFF THIS NOSE FOR 30 YEARS. 414 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:11,838 PUT THOSE PHONES AWAY! 415 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,674 LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME. 416 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:15,908 YOU KNOW WHAT? 417 00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:18,545 I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CUT OUT TO PLAY SUPER RAY. 418 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,628 SO YOU WANT TO BUY ME A DRINK? 419 00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:37,430 YEAH. 420 00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:39,699 BUT LISTEN, CAN WE GET OUT OF BROOKLYN? 421 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,835 IT'S JUST NOT AS COOL AS I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE. 422 00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:44,036 OH YEAH. 423 00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:47,974 - EXCUSE US. - HERE'S A REALLY REALLY BIG TIP. 424 00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:51,077 - I'M OKAY. - KEVIN BACON'S OKAY. 425 00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:52,945 KEVIN BACON'S ALL RIGHT. 426 00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,648 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. 427 00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:59,018 - JONATHAN, SAY SOMETHING. IT'S TIME TO MEDDLE. - YEAH. 428 00:21:59,118 --> 00:22:02,689 YOU KNOW LAKSHMI WILL BE FURIOUS WITH YOU IF YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS. 429 00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:04,957 WELL, SHE'S ALREADY FURIOUS THANKS TO YOU. 430 00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,526 YOU KNOW SOMETHING? 431 00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:09,128 I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID. 432 00:22:09,228 --> 00:22:11,330 YOU ARE A NINCOMPOOP. YEAH. 433 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,999 YOU ARE A 42 DOWN. 434 00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:16,335 HEY! DON'T BE RUDE. 435 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:19,071 YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH. 436 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:22,409 YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TURN UP TO WORK ONE DAY 437 00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:25,044 AND TO BE TOLD "PFFFT! YOU'RE WORTHLESS" 438 00:22:25,144 --> 00:22:27,013 AFTER SO MANY YEARS. 439 00:22:27,113 --> 00:22:30,683 YEAH, EXCUSE ME, BUT I UNDERSTAND. 440 00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:34,587 YOU KNOW MY WHOLE IDENTITY IS WRAPPED UP IN MY JOB, 441 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,589 BUT THEY WON'T LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE. 442 00:22:36,689 --> 00:22:39,659 I'M BEING PUSHED ASIDE. YOU KNOW, I'M SLOWLY 443 00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:41,761 LOSING MY PLACE IN THE WORLD. 444 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,363 YES, THAT'S-- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. 445 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:48,401 I SUGGESTED TO THE BOSS THAT THEY PUT A LINE OF POETRY ON ALL THE BUSINESS CARDS 446 00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:52,472 AND I HAD GREAT IDEAS ABOUT THE SCHEDULE, BUT THEY JUST-- THEY DIDN'T CARE! 447 00:22:52,572 --> 00:22:56,476 HEY, CAN I CALL YOU VIKRUM? VIKRUM, SEE, YOU AND I ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING HERE. 448 00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,611 WHY DON'T YOU-- WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE GUN DOWN? 449 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,514 'CAUSE, UM, SEE, I HAVE A JOB THAT I'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU. 450 00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,483 - YOU HAVE A JOB FOR ME? - YES. 451 00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:07,454 SEE, HE TOLD ME ABOUT YOU AND I NEED A DRIVER. 452 00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:11,724 AND I REALLY-- I ADMIRE POETS 453 00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:14,393 AND I'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO READ YOUR WORK. 454 00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:17,564 SO WHY-WHY-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME THE GUN? 455 00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,299 - YOU REALLY LIKE POETRY? - HE DOES. 456 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:21,634 - I DO. - HE DOES. 457 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:25,438 THANK YOU. 458 00:23:25,538 --> 00:23:27,206 IT'S NOT EVEN LOADED. 459 00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:30,443 MY FATHER GAVE IT TO ME IN 1983 BECAUSE OF THE CRICKET RIOTS. 460 00:23:30,543 --> 00:23:32,612 IT'S BEEN ON THE BOTTOM OF A DRAWER EVER SINCE. 461 00:23:32,712 --> 00:23:34,447 - HUH! - I'M GONNA CALL 911. 462 00:23:34,547 --> 00:23:36,115 - NO NO. - MA'AM, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY. 463 00:23:36,215 --> 00:23:37,349 - YES! - NO NO NO. 464 00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:38,818 IT'S FINE, REALLY. EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE. 465 00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:42,021 IT'S JUST A NORMAL HUMAN REACTION TO STRESS. 466 00:23:42,121 --> 00:23:45,424 - ( whispers ) THANK YOU. - I MEAN, COME ON-- THE GUN'S NOT EVEN LOADED. 467 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:48,194 - ( all gasp, murmur ) - OH, WHAT? I DON'T WANT IT! 468 00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:50,530 LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! COME ON! 469 00:23:51,631 --> 00:23:53,833 ALL RIGHT, NOBODY CALL THE COPS! 470 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:59,205 I CAN GET US OUT OF HERE. I KNOW A SERVICE ROAD THE POLICE WON'T THINK OF. 471 00:23:59,305 --> 00:24:01,140 - IF YOU TRUST ME TO DRIVE, THAT IS. - I TRUST YOU. 472 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,210 - GREAT, LET'S GO! - I LOVE THIS ORANGE COLOR! 473 00:24:15,054 --> 00:24:17,123 ( sirens approaching ) 474 00:24:19,425 --> 00:24:22,094 ( woman singing in Hindi ) 475 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,565 ( singing continues )