1 00:00:02,105 --> 00:00:04,185 Go to the police and tell them everything you know. 2 00:00:04,263 --> 00:00:06,494 I could be in Rikers for months before my name is cleared. 3 00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:08,213 I'm supposed to be in the New Dick Cavett Show next week, 4 00:00:08,282 --> 00:00:09,252 I don't wanna miss that. 5 00:00:09,345 --> 00:00:11,687 Do I have your permission to marry Emily? 6 00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,599 - Yes or no? - Can I get an extension? 7 00:00:14,708 --> 00:00:16,916 I'm gonna clear my name and set you free. 8 00:00:17,022 --> 00:00:18,946 Your breath smells like cat food again! 9 00:00:19,035 --> 00:00:21,947 It's paté, you stoner. 10 00:00:22,612 --> 00:00:23,784 Drop your weapon! 11 00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:25,985 You gotta stop being a detective. It's too dangerous. 12 00:00:26,076 --> 00:00:27,210 Can't retire just yet. 13 00:00:27,303 --> 00:00:29,222 Still have to find out who my real dad is. 14 00:00:40,084 --> 00:00:43,999 ♪ all the shadows in the city ♪ 15 00:00:44,034 --> 00:00:47,681 ♪ used to love you, what a pity ♪ 16 00:00:47,716 --> 00:00:51,762 ♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪ 17 00:00:51,796 --> 00:00:55,874 ♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪ 18 00:00:55,908 --> 00:00:59,719 ♪ bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪ 19 00:00:59,754 --> 00:01:01,892 ♪ Bored to death ♪ 20 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:04,500 ♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪ 21 00:01:09,117 --> 00:01:13,535 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 22 00:01:38,759 --> 00:01:41,165 Dad? 23 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,139 Who would burn down a sperm bank? 24 00:01:44,173 --> 00:01:46,711 Hey, honey, how are you? Look what I found at the farm. 25 00:01:46,745 --> 00:01:49,184 Look at that. It's a free-range chicken. 26 00:01:49,218 --> 00:01:51,355 What? You know I can't eat a free-range chicken. 27 00:01:51,389 --> 00:01:53,826 I am allergic to chicken and besides, 28 00:01:53,861 --> 00:01:56,031 I'm a vegetarian... 29 00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:59,238 - Ray, Ray. - It's not true, leah. 30 00:01:59,272 --> 00:02:00,707 Ray! 31 00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,849 Oh yeah, hi. 32 00:02:04,884 --> 00:02:09,159 Go sit with your perverted uncle Jonathan for a while. 33 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,734 God, he smells good, Ray. 34 00:02:13,769 --> 00:02:16,106 I love to inhale him. 35 00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:19,213 It's better than bacon or sunblock. He's like baby cocaine. 36 00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:23,956 - That is good stuff. - It's Darwinian, actually. 37 00:02:23,990 --> 00:02:25,993 They smell so good so we'll like them. 38 00:02:26,027 --> 00:02:28,531 Shhh! Stop talking, gay dads. 39 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:31,703 - Sorry. - Oh God, I could use a 10-minute nap. 40 00:02:31,738 --> 00:02:35,344 I love being a father once a week, but it is so draining. 41 00:02:35,379 --> 00:02:38,617 You know, the vigilance, having to think of somebody else. 42 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:46,098 I'd hate to be a fireman when that sperm bank went up. 43 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:49,337 Think about all those little semen screams-- "eeeeee! 44 00:02:49,372 --> 00:02:51,007 "Eeee! Save me!" 45 00:02:51,042 --> 00:02:53,345 Thank God you got out of there before the tragedy. 46 00:02:53,379 --> 00:02:56,284 Yeah, but the problem is the records are destroyed with the sperm. 47 00:02:56,318 --> 00:02:58,788 I don't know how I'm gonna find my dad now. 48 00:02:58,823 --> 00:03:02,095 Well look, maybe you don't. You've got your dad in new Jersey. 49 00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:04,264 You've got George in Manhattan. You've got me in Brooklyn. 50 00:03:04,299 --> 00:03:06,768 How many father figures in a 90-mile radius do you need? 51 00:03:06,803 --> 00:03:10,008 I have to find him, Ray. I feel like half a person. 52 00:03:10,042 --> 00:03:11,944 I have this image of a test tube. 53 00:03:11,978 --> 00:03:14,215 I need to replace it with the image of a man. 54 00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:15,984 Yeah, I know. 55 00:03:16,019 --> 00:03:18,622 I'd hate for Spencer to think of me as a urine cup filled with jizz. 56 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:22,295 - Wow, can you really fill a whole urine cup? - If I eat sunflower seeds. 57 00:03:22,330 --> 00:03:25,300 Walk me to the subway. I've gotta go see George. 58 00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:27,838 He wants to prepare me for Dick Cavett. 59 00:03:27,872 --> 00:03:30,142 I'd say be yourself on Dick Cavett, that's what I would do. 60 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,777 I mean I'd be me, not you. 61 00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:34,679 That's what everyone says, but I don't like myself most of the time 62 00:03:34,713 --> 00:03:36,780 and I really need to do well to help sell the book. 63 00:03:36,815 --> 00:03:38,582 My publisher isn't very happy with me. 64 00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:40,617 I still say just be yourself, okay? 65 00:03:40,651 --> 00:03:44,018 Cross your legs like a man and don't wave your arms around like a little girl. 66 00:03:44,053 --> 00:03:45,587 And don't snack on your thumb. 67 00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:50,123 And the Ferris wheel-- No, carousel! 68 00:03:50,158 --> 00:03:52,225 Carousel was going round and round 69 00:03:52,259 --> 00:03:54,861 like a mad dream and we were ducking bullets. 70 00:03:54,895 --> 00:03:57,563 I mean, it was frightening, but exhilarating. 71 00:03:57,597 --> 00:03:59,632 Wow. Well, it's great 72 00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:03,368 hearing all these stories about you and Jonathan, but, um, 73 00:04:03,402 --> 00:04:06,637 there's something Bernard and I want to show you. 74 00:04:06,671 --> 00:04:08,105 Mmm. 75 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,341 Isn't it beautiful, dad? 76 00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:14,343 It came from the earth's mantle. 77 00:04:14,377 --> 00:04:17,579 And Emily gave me a hemp dog collar 78 00:04:17,613 --> 00:04:20,448 as my ceremonial engagement ring. 79 00:04:20,483 --> 00:04:23,584 But I didn't give my permission yet. 80 00:04:23,618 --> 00:04:26,085 - We couldn't wait, George. - Yeah, Lisa, our medium, 81 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,754 said we had to act right away. 82 00:04:27,788 --> 00:04:29,355 You went to your medium before me? 83 00:04:29,389 --> 00:04:33,458 She's telepathic, but she doesn't mind picking up the phone. 84 00:04:33,492 --> 00:04:35,794 I'm sorry. I was going to give my permission today. 85 00:04:35,828 --> 00:04:38,329 Just so you know. Great. 86 00:04:38,364 --> 00:04:41,632 - Congratulations. - My new dad, huh? 87 00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,900 Good, come here. We should go camping! 88 00:04:44,935 --> 00:04:47,134 - We could share a tent! - Yeah. 89 00:04:49,104 --> 00:04:51,106 Spencer, let's go take a little break 90 00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:54,843 and play right over here, then we'll go home and do some finger-painting. 91 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,411 Right, buddy? You and your hat. 92 00:05:02,016 --> 00:05:04,350 Hi, ladies. Mind if we join you? 93 00:05:04,385 --> 00:05:05,618 I'm Ray Hueston 94 00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:08,287 and this is my good-looking son Spencer. 95 00:05:08,322 --> 00:05:10,423 - Hi. - Oh, I'm Susan. 96 00:05:10,457 --> 00:05:13,793 - Hi. - Hi, I'm Stephanie. 97 00:05:13,827 --> 00:05:15,861 Hi. 98 00:05:15,895 --> 00:05:18,096 Sure is a lot of suckling going on. 99 00:05:18,130 --> 00:05:21,432 Usually when I walk by, there's one or two women going at it, 100 00:05:21,466 --> 00:05:24,668 but eight seems like a lot all at once. 101 00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:26,903 Well, we're a support group for breastfeeding. 102 00:05:26,938 --> 00:05:29,504 Can I join? 103 00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:31,272 Um, it's kind of a mothers' thing. 104 00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:34,008 Oh, a bunch of snobs, are you? 105 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,077 Yeah, I think in the future you'll be asking us men to join. 106 00:05:37,111 --> 00:05:39,913 Maybe we'll start our own breastfeeding group. 107 00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:42,549 - Really? - Definitely. 108 00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:44,684 You know, the male nipple is dormant, 109 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:47,554 but I think in about 750 years we'll be able to nurse. 110 00:05:47,588 --> 00:05:50,523 - I speak from experience. - Oh wow. 111 00:05:50,557 --> 00:05:53,026 Yeah. 112 00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:02,535 You hungry? 113 00:06:02,569 --> 00:06:04,870 I think all of this is making him hungry. 114 00:06:04,904 --> 00:06:07,005 I'll just give him this, unless-- 115 00:06:07,039 --> 00:06:09,340 one of you will let Spencer have a tug. 116 00:06:10,843 --> 00:06:13,310 I'm tapped, so-- 117 00:06:13,345 --> 00:06:15,446 How about you? 118 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,281 - Anything left? - No, I'm sorry. 119 00:06:20,184 --> 00:06:22,018 Both-- both sides? 120 00:06:22,052 --> 00:06:24,787 I read a thing that a woman columnist wrote about you one time 121 00:06:24,821 --> 00:06:26,755 and she said "Mitchum was born the kind of man 122 00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:29,357 that does not have to seek women because they come to him." 123 00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:32,927 Were that true. 124 00:06:32,961 --> 00:06:36,163 - That's not true? - They come to me with their troubles. 125 00:06:36,197 --> 00:06:38,832 You know. 126 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:41,467 See, now that's the way to handle yourself on Cavett. 127 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,636 Be cool, manly, world-weary. 128 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:47,306 You know, show a capacity for sin. Play the rascal. 129 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,943 Mmm. And should I cross my legs like this, 130 00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:53,278 like this? Crotch open or crotch closed? 131 00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:56,547 - Ray says crotch open. - Yeah, I differ from Ray on this point. 132 00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:59,148 I think that the closed crotch is more sophisticated. 133 00:06:59,182 --> 00:07:02,251 - It keeps them guessing. - Okay, that does seem more natural. 134 00:07:02,286 --> 00:07:05,021 I really want you to hit it out of the park tonight. 135 00:07:05,055 --> 00:07:06,989 With all the bookstores closing, 136 00:07:07,023 --> 00:07:10,025 this could be your last shot at literary success. 137 00:07:10,059 --> 00:07:13,094 - Oh God. - So can we switch to me now? 138 00:07:13,129 --> 00:07:15,163 Sure, but can we study Mitchum a little bit more? 139 00:07:15,197 --> 00:07:17,865 In a second. I have a pressing headline: 140 00:07:17,899 --> 00:07:22,269 Emily and that crazy Bernard went ahead and got engaged 141 00:07:22,303 --> 00:07:24,671 - without my blessing. - Would you have given it? 142 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:27,440 No! No, I mean, she's gonna be hurt. 143 00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:30,075 He's too old and eccentric. 144 00:07:30,109 --> 00:07:33,210 - They do dog role-play. - Hmmm. 145 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,945 Luckily he's the dog, but still. 146 00:07:35,979 --> 00:07:37,646 Well, have you tried talking to her? 147 00:07:37,681 --> 00:07:39,681 Somehow gently expressing your reservations? 148 00:07:39,715 --> 00:07:42,117 No no, I always screw up with her. 149 00:07:42,151 --> 00:07:44,819 I mean, I try to improve, but it's-- 150 00:07:44,853 --> 00:07:46,754 it seems easier just to make the same mistake 151 00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:48,523 over and over again like an idiot. 152 00:07:48,557 --> 00:07:51,759 - I understand. - You know I'm a better father to you 153 00:07:51,793 --> 00:07:54,862 than I am to her? I mean, what's that about? 154 00:07:54,896 --> 00:07:59,165 I don't know. I think what makes you a good father to me 155 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,767 is-- is that you take an interest in me, 156 00:08:01,802 --> 00:08:04,470 - that we talk. - Yeah, but it's easier with you. 157 00:08:04,504 --> 00:08:07,005 You know, I don't care if you fail at life. 158 00:08:07,039 --> 00:08:09,040 It's not a reflection on me. 159 00:08:09,074 --> 00:08:11,576 I take back what I just said about you being a good father. 160 00:08:11,610 --> 00:08:14,912 But I still think you should talk to her. 161 00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:20,116 Okay, little guy, all set there. 162 00:08:21,318 --> 00:08:23,352 Excuse me. 163 00:08:23,387 --> 00:08:25,154 Oh right, gosh. Of course. 164 00:08:27,191 --> 00:08:28,758 Thank you very much. 165 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,763 Same time next week? Do you guys do like an email blast 166 00:08:34,797 --> 00:08:36,831 - as far as when you meet here? - We don't. 167 00:08:36,865 --> 00:08:38,799 No. All right, all right. Have a good one. 168 00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,567 - You too. - Bye. All right, Spencer. 169 00:08:40,602 --> 00:08:43,704 Let's go, buddy. Are you ready? 170 00:08:43,738 --> 00:08:46,707 Okay. 171 00:08:46,742 --> 00:08:49,943 - Bye, ladies. - Bye-bye. 172 00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:58,682 I'm really nervous. My tongue feels swollen. 173 00:08:58,716 --> 00:09:01,452 - Is that a stroke symptom? - Stop it! 174 00:09:01,486 --> 00:09:04,487 Only positive thinking. You need to do well tonight. 175 00:09:04,522 --> 00:09:06,789 I want a clip of this to end up on YouTube. 176 00:09:06,823 --> 00:09:09,257 Could you just look at my tongue, 177 00:09:09,292 --> 00:09:11,626 because it's not fitting in my mouth. 178 00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:15,362 No. In 25 years I have never looked at an author's tongue. 179 00:09:15,397 --> 00:09:18,064 - Sorry. - Oh, that's not true. 180 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,800 Tsk. Why do all my lovers die? 181 00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:23,068 It's like I'm a black widow. 182 00:09:23,102 --> 00:09:26,472 - All your lovers die? - No, not all. 183 00:09:26,506 --> 00:09:29,976 - But a lot. - Hi, Jonathan. I can take you back to the green room now. 184 00:09:30,010 --> 00:09:33,678 Okay, sweetie, good luck. I'll be rooting for you. 185 00:09:33,713 --> 00:09:36,281 Remember, positive thinking. 186 00:09:36,315 --> 00:09:38,282 Don't fail. 187 00:09:42,486 --> 00:09:45,487 So just be relaxed. Dick likes it to be a conversation. 188 00:09:45,522 --> 00:09:47,556 - Right right. - And tonight's theme is young writers, 189 00:09:47,590 --> 00:09:50,124 so you'll just talk about your book. Oh, one thing, 190 00:09:50,158 --> 00:09:53,193 maintain eye contact with Dick at all times. Don't look at the camera. 191 00:09:53,227 --> 00:09:55,962 Right, no camera, make eye contact with his Dick. 192 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,130 Sorry, just-- ahem. 193 00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:03,568 - And here is the green room. - Yes, this is the green room. 194 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,403 - Oh God. - Jonathan, this is Louis Greene. 195 00:10:05,437 --> 00:10:06,904 He'll be following you on the show. 196 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,606 And, Louis, this is Jonathan Ames. 197 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,808 Hello, Jonathan. Your most recent publication 198 00:10:10,842 --> 00:10:13,376 was unwarranted and ill-deserved, did you know that? 199 00:10:14,879 --> 00:10:18,013 Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes to take you to makeup. 200 00:10:18,081 --> 00:10:20,449 Oh sure, take your time. 201 00:10:24,019 --> 00:10:27,054 So I read your book, if you can call it that. 202 00:10:27,088 --> 00:10:29,323 I can't believe you plagiarized 203 00:10:29,357 --> 00:10:31,758 my award-winning story for "The New Yorker" magazine. 204 00:10:31,793 --> 00:10:34,627 What are you talking about? We both wrote about the coke dealers. 205 00:10:34,662 --> 00:10:37,096 Two different takes-- like "Rashomon." 206 00:10:37,130 --> 00:10:39,264 That's not the "Rashomon" I remember. 207 00:10:39,299 --> 00:10:41,199 Well, I suppose you could argue that 208 00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:43,134 your work is derivative of mine, 209 00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:45,569 but that would be like saying a monkey with a paintbrush 210 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,304 is a distant relation of Van Gogh. 211 00:10:47,338 --> 00:10:49,706 Can you just attack me in your mind and not out loud? 212 00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:51,808 I'd like to concentrate. I need to prepare. 213 00:10:51,842 --> 00:10:55,144 Oh, you need to prepare? I don't. 214 00:10:55,178 --> 00:10:57,512 No, you see, I was reared on "The Dick Cavett Show." 215 00:10:57,547 --> 00:11:00,949 My father and I would watch every night. He made me transcribe 216 00:11:00,983 --> 00:11:03,317 each episode so we could reenact it the next day. 217 00:11:03,352 --> 00:11:05,920 I used to love to be Gore vidal. 218 00:11:05,954 --> 00:11:07,921 Oh, but then you probably don't know who that is. 219 00:11:07,956 --> 00:11:10,823 What exactly are you doing here, Louis? You don't have a book out. 220 00:11:10,858 --> 00:11:14,059 No, I don't, but my agent says my appearance on the show 221 00:11:14,094 --> 00:11:17,596 is going to create a bidding war for my novel, "The Black Clock Of Time." 222 00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:20,632 - What? "The Black Cock Of Time"? - Oh, you fiendish baboon. 223 00:11:20,666 --> 00:11:23,735 "The Black Clock Of Time." 224 00:11:23,769 --> 00:11:25,936 It's a nuclear holocaust novel 225 00:11:25,971 --> 00:11:27,438 set in the past. 226 00:11:27,472 --> 00:11:29,873 - Sorry, tricky title. - It's not a tricky-- 227 00:11:29,907 --> 00:11:33,109 Jonathan, I'll take you to makeup first. 228 00:11:33,143 --> 00:11:35,244 Thank you. 229 00:11:51,592 --> 00:11:54,427 Okay, keep sleeping. Daddy needs a drink. 230 00:11:55,796 --> 00:11:59,965 That guy with the beard was really odd, right? 231 00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:02,267 He was strange, but it must have been a mistake. 232 00:12:02,301 --> 00:12:04,602 He'll come back. He left his own son here. 233 00:12:04,637 --> 00:12:06,738 How do we know that's his son? 234 00:12:06,772 --> 00:12:08,873 I mean, people passing by him now 235 00:12:08,907 --> 00:12:11,541 probably think my daughter is his daughter. 236 00:12:11,576 --> 00:12:14,210 Yeah, he was a little off. 237 00:12:14,245 --> 00:12:17,313 - He wanted us to breastfeed the little boy. - Okay, 238 00:12:17,347 --> 00:12:21,216 I just Googled "Ray Hueston" and it led me to this. 239 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,988 Oh... 240 00:12:31,259 --> 00:12:32,926 Oh God. 241 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,862 Oh my God. 242 00:12:37,597 --> 00:12:40,598 He's a monster. 243 00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:44,601 Sorry it took me so long to get over here. I was on the phone with mom 244 00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:47,938 and I walked east instead of west and then north instead of South. 245 00:12:47,972 --> 00:12:51,841 - She says hello. - How is your mom? 246 00:12:51,876 --> 00:12:53,977 She's good-- crazy, manic. 247 00:12:54,011 --> 00:12:56,245 Did you know that she turned her house in Costa Rica 248 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,247 into an eco-friendly bed and breakfast? 249 00:12:58,281 --> 00:13:00,782 No, I hadn't heard about that. 250 00:13:00,817 --> 00:13:03,084 You know, actually 251 00:13:03,119 --> 00:13:06,721 my restaurant has a very minimal eco-footprint. 252 00:13:06,755 --> 00:13:08,789 I only get produce from farms 253 00:13:08,823 --> 00:13:11,024 within 100 miles of New York City. 254 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:13,660 Why do you always have to compete with mom? 255 00:13:13,694 --> 00:13:16,195 Why do you have to trump everything she does? 256 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,331 I'm not try-- 257 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:21,466 I'm sorry everything I say seems to annoy you. 258 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,301 So am I. 259 00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:28,939 Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about? 260 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:32,743 Well, I'm sure it's going to piss you off again, 261 00:13:32,777 --> 00:13:36,646 but I'm just concerned that I was such a-- a-- 262 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,482 such a failure as a father 263 00:13:39,516 --> 00:13:42,251 that Bernard is some kind of 264 00:13:42,285 --> 00:13:44,486 weird freudian substitute. 265 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,055 Oh wow, you're really good. That does piss me off. 266 00:13:47,089 --> 00:13:48,956 Wait, you know I reject Freud. 267 00:13:48,991 --> 00:13:51,125 Sweetheart, Freud's very important. 268 00:13:51,159 --> 00:13:53,760 I can't believe you're making my engagement about you. 269 00:13:53,795 --> 00:13:56,563 - He's your substitute? - Yes! 270 00:13:56,597 --> 00:13:58,798 He's practically the same age as me. 271 00:13:58,832 --> 00:14:00,933 He's gonna be dead in 20 years. 272 00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:04,136 30-- 30 years maybe. 273 00:14:04,170 --> 00:14:07,338 I don't care that he's old. I'm like Woody Allen. 274 00:14:07,373 --> 00:14:10,708 - My heart wants him. - No no, don't-- don't-- don't use Woody Allen. 275 00:14:10,742 --> 00:14:13,677 That's worse-- that's worse than the twinkie defense. 276 00:14:13,711 --> 00:14:15,478 No, it's not. Dad, 277 00:14:15,513 --> 00:14:18,915 this is the first time in my life, 278 00:14:18,949 --> 00:14:22,484 and probably my past lives, that I haven't felt lonely. 279 00:14:22,552 --> 00:14:25,954 - Oh, sweetheart. - Dad, I love him. 280 00:14:25,988 --> 00:14:29,423 I wish you could respect that-- or at least pretend to. 281 00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,358 No no, I do respect that. 282 00:14:31,393 --> 00:14:33,393 I always manage to say the wrong thing. 283 00:14:33,428 --> 00:14:35,695 It's like I have a limp emotionally. 284 00:14:35,730 --> 00:14:37,830 - Come here, I'm sorry. - Okay. 285 00:14:37,865 --> 00:14:39,765 - I love you. - I love you. 286 00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:45,270 - I love you Mowell--n that. - See, wa! Competitive. 287 00:14:45,304 --> 00:14:47,238 Be sure and pick up Danny Woodside's new book. 288 00:14:47,272 --> 00:14:51,508 It's called "Splitsies, A child's perspective on divorce." 289 00:14:51,576 --> 00:14:54,010 - Thank you, Dick. - Good to see you. 290 00:14:59,249 --> 00:15:01,850 Now our next young writer has just come out 291 00:15:01,885 --> 00:15:05,053 with a new book of mystery stories, 292 00:15:05,088 --> 00:15:08,423 and it is called "the blonde in the woods." 293 00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:11,427 So please welcome Jonathan-- uh, Ames. 294 00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:12,895 Jonathan Ames. 295 00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,598 Jonathan. 296 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,867 Oooh. Aha ha. 297 00:15:21,769 --> 00:15:22,869 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 298 00:15:22,903 --> 00:15:25,336 We don't require dramatic entrances. 299 00:15:25,371 --> 00:15:27,505 - Good one, Dick. - Sorry, the glasses-- I couldn't see. 300 00:15:27,539 --> 00:15:30,407 By the way, it's not terribly wise to wear sunglasses 301 00:15:30,441 --> 00:15:33,643 on television. Do you think maybe you could do without them? 302 00:15:33,677 --> 00:15:36,111 - Oh yes, sorry. - Yeah. 303 00:15:36,146 --> 00:15:40,715 Now as for your latest escapade-- 304 00:15:42,384 --> 00:15:44,752 Jonathan, we don't have smoking on television. 305 00:15:44,786 --> 00:15:47,555 - Right. - You see, we're in New York City 306 00:15:47,589 --> 00:15:49,790 and you can't even smoke in your own apartment now. 307 00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:53,627 Sorry, I was trying to channel Robert Mitchum. 308 00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:56,530 Oh, this is too delicious. He's like a mental pygmy. 309 00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:58,332 Oh, I love it, I love it, I love it. 310 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,321 Well, Jonathan, you not only write mysteries, you solve them. 311 00:16:24,355 --> 00:16:26,689 Are you working on a case right now? 312 00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:28,725 My wife hasn't hired you, has she? 313 00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:31,794 Um, I'm actually my own client at the moment. 314 00:16:31,828 --> 00:16:33,829 I'm searching for my biological father. 315 00:16:33,863 --> 00:16:35,798 Wow, that's quite a case. 316 00:16:35,832 --> 00:16:39,468 Uh, damn, we have to stop right now for some commercials. 317 00:16:39,502 --> 00:16:42,037 We'd love it if you could stay and maybe 318 00:16:42,072 --> 00:16:44,640 talk some more about all this after the break. 319 00:16:44,674 --> 00:16:46,975 - Sure, really? - Okay. 320 00:16:47,009 --> 00:16:50,612 We'll be back then, after this break, with Jonathan Ames. 321 00:16:50,646 --> 00:16:52,280 Don't go away. 322 00:16:52,314 --> 00:16:55,616 - Okay. - Is everything going okay, Dick? 323 00:16:55,651 --> 00:16:58,052 Yeah, good. Look, listen, let's cancel the next guest. 324 00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:00,988 This father stuff is good. We're in "Oprah" territory. 325 00:17:01,022 --> 00:17:03,156 All right, you got it. 326 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,096 "What do I think about the state of American culture? Well, Dick," 327 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,299 I think we could make penicillin out of American culture. 328 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,267 I mean, look at Jonathan Ames. 329 00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:18,035 "Thank you. I'm glad the audience found that amusing." 330 00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:20,637 Perfect. 331 00:17:20,671 --> 00:17:22,505 Um, Mr. Greene? 332 00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:24,607 Oh hi, Liz. Oh, is this it? 333 00:17:24,642 --> 00:17:26,576 Am I going on? How do I look? 334 00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:29,279 You know, actually we're gonna have to bump you from the show. 335 00:17:29,313 --> 00:17:32,314 These things happen. Mr. Cavett wants to extend the segment with Mr. Ames. 336 00:17:32,349 --> 00:17:34,416 With-- with Jonathan? 337 00:17:34,450 --> 00:17:36,817 You don't understand, 338 00:17:36,852 --> 00:17:39,086 I have been preparing my whole life 339 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,421 to intellectually engage with Dick Cavett, 340 00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:44,256 - not Jonathan Ames. - There's nothing I can do. 341 00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:46,124 No, please listen. 342 00:17:46,159 --> 00:17:49,828 My father is watching, okay? This is everything to us. 343 00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:52,362 I mean, they even took daddy off his thorazine 344 00:17:52,397 --> 00:17:54,397 just for tonight so he could watch, so-- 345 00:17:54,432 --> 00:17:56,232 I'm so sorry, Mr. Greene. 346 00:17:57,668 --> 00:17:59,602 Just put me on for a couple of seconds. 347 00:17:59,636 --> 00:18:01,771 Just a few seconds. Okay, I'll level with you. 348 00:18:01,805 --> 00:18:05,373 I have crippling debt and my agent says that my novel, 349 00:18:05,408 --> 00:18:07,542 "the black clock of time," will not sell 350 00:18:07,576 --> 00:18:10,677 - unless I am on the show. - "The Big Black Cock Of Time"? 351 00:18:10,711 --> 00:18:14,613 No, you subnormal illiterate. 352 00:18:14,647 --> 00:18:17,981 "The Black Clock Of Time." 353 00:18:18,016 --> 00:18:20,784 It isn't hard. I didn't say "big. " Why would you say that? 354 00:18:20,818 --> 00:18:23,452 - What's wrong with you? - You're bumped, Mr. Greene! 355 00:18:24,888 --> 00:18:27,055 No, please, Liz. 356 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:35,430 He's some kind of sick cartoonist. 357 00:18:35,464 --> 00:18:40,366 All he draws are penises and he has my little girl. 358 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,101 Can you describe the penises? 359 00:18:42,135 --> 00:18:44,403 B-big. 360 00:18:44,437 --> 00:18:47,472 Do you have a Nemesis, 361 00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:49,940 the way Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty? 362 00:18:49,975 --> 00:18:53,477 Well, I don't want to speak poorly of him on air, 363 00:18:53,511 --> 00:18:55,779 but my Nemesis was going to be your next guest 364 00:18:55,813 --> 00:18:57,446 - Logr- what? 365 00:18:57,481 --> 00:19:00,148 - Really? - But I do feel bad for him. 366 00:19:00,183 --> 00:19:03,317 I was told once that his father, a child psychologist, 367 00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:06,086 - experimented on him. - Experimented on him? 368 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,788 - What kind of experiments? - Made him sleep in a box, 369 00:19:08,823 --> 00:19:12,758 sensory deprivation, transcription of television shows-- 370 00:19:12,792 --> 00:19:15,660 - that sort of thing. - Whew, that's terrible. 371 00:19:15,695 --> 00:19:17,796 The father sounds like the poor man's b.F. Skinner. 372 00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:19,698 What a kook. 373 00:19:19,732 --> 00:19:21,933 This must stop. 374 00:19:24,003 --> 00:19:27,572 Hi. 52nd, between ninth and 10th, please. 375 00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:30,441 "The Cavett show." 376 00:19:30,476 --> 00:19:33,010 Hi, I'm parks commissioner Adrian Benepe, 377 00:19:33,044 --> 00:19:34,612 letting you know about a program that offers... 378 00:19:34,646 --> 00:19:36,647 How do you t-- how do you turn-- 379 00:19:36,681 --> 00:19:40,116 This is an urgent alert from the New York Police Department. 380 00:19:40,151 --> 00:19:43,786 - Ray? Oh my God. - If you have any information pertaining to this matter... 381 00:19:43,821 --> 00:19:45,821 Oh, Ray. 382 00:19:47,223 --> 00:19:49,323 Excuse me, can I borrow your phone? 383 00:19:49,357 --> 00:19:51,791 I lost mine in a mailbox. 384 00:19:51,826 --> 00:19:53,993 I have to call my friend. He's in trouble. 385 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:56,194 - Okay. - Thank you. 386 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,129 But please don't call Pakistan. 387 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,331 The CIA doesn't like it when I do that. 388 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,332 917... 389 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,067 917-- oh, who am I kidding? 390 00:20:04,101 --> 00:20:07,236 My mind is shot. I haven't memorized a phone number in years. 391 00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:09,705 Could you hurry up, please? 392 00:20:09,739 --> 00:20:11,206 Okay. 393 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,373 Well, I don't have a lot of clues, 394 00:20:13,408 --> 00:20:15,809 but even if I find my biological dad, 395 00:20:15,843 --> 00:20:18,778 I do want to make it clear that my dad who raised me 396 00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:21,582 - was a wonderful father... - Eh, excuse me. 397 00:20:21,616 --> 00:20:24,350 - Where is the lever that controls the curtain, please? - Shh shh shh. 398 00:20:24,385 --> 00:20:26,751 Especially since he's watching. 399 00:20:26,786 --> 00:20:28,352 I'm glad to hear he's watching. 400 00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,220 We could use the ratings. 401 00:20:30,254 --> 00:20:32,789 - My mom's also watching. - Okay then. 402 00:20:32,823 --> 00:20:35,125 All the better. You know, we're almost funny. 403 00:20:35,159 --> 00:20:38,127 - We should have a comedy show. - You're funny. I'm just-- 404 00:20:38,161 --> 00:20:41,497 you know, with all that we've talked about I just can't help thinking 405 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,199 that not knowing who your biological father is 406 00:20:44,233 --> 00:20:47,235 must be a pretty dark place. 407 00:20:47,269 --> 00:20:50,670 It is dark, but my spirits are good. 408 00:20:50,704 --> 00:20:52,872 - Hmm. - I'm kind of an upbeat Hamlet. 409 00:20:52,906 --> 00:20:56,508 - Upbeat Hamlet? - What does he know about Hamlet, that idiot?! 410 00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:58,776 "To be or not to be." 411 00:20:58,811 --> 00:21:02,347 Mr. Cavett, I know I'm supposed to look you in the eye at all times, 412 00:21:02,381 --> 00:21:04,849 but could I speak directly to the audience at home? 413 00:21:04,883 --> 00:21:07,718 Well, this is unusual, but so are you. 414 00:21:07,752 --> 00:21:09,686 And so am I. Yeah sure, go ahead. 415 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,387 Thank you. 416 00:21:11,421 --> 00:21:12,755 Hello. 417 00:21:12,789 --> 00:21:14,756 If anyone knows anything 418 00:21:14,791 --> 00:21:17,159 about the Hudson sperm bank that went up in flames 419 00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,194 in fair lawn, new Jersey, in 1981, 420 00:21:19,229 --> 00:21:23,330 - please lp me... - Always with the sentimental claptrap! 421 00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:25,632 Look out, Dick! 422 00:21:29,002 --> 00:21:30,469 Oh dear lord, that's not the curtain. 423 00:21:30,503 --> 00:21:32,371 Oh, fuckity. 424 00:21:35,709 --> 00:21:38,777 - Who is that? - That's my moriarty. 425 00:21:38,811 --> 00:21:41,813 Mr. Cavett, I was just trying to bring down the curtain. 426 00:21:41,848 --> 00:21:43,181 Jonathan, Jonathan. 427 00:21:43,216 --> 00:21:46,584 We have to call Ray. There's been an emergency. 428 00:21:46,618 --> 00:21:48,586 Hey, Dick. George Christopher. 429 00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:50,488 We had lunch together in 1979 430 00:21:50,523 --> 00:21:52,457 - with Norman mailer. - Whatever. 431 00:21:52,491 --> 00:21:53,691 It was awhile ago. 432 00:21:53,725 --> 00:21:57,160 ♪ let me introduce to you a brand-new dance ♪ 433 00:21:57,195 --> 00:22:01,130 ♪ I know you gonna love it if you give it one chance ♪ 434 00:22:01,164 --> 00:22:04,767 ♪ it's not complicated, it's not too hard ♪ 435 00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:08,871 ♪ You don't even have to be a hip-hop star... ♪ 436 00:22:19,582 --> 00:22:20,949 God! 437 00:22:22,352 --> 00:22:24,720 Who are you and where is Spencer? 438 00:22:38,866 --> 00:22:41,201 - And up. - Be careful. This is a... 439 00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:43,937 - Still not picking up. - Maybe he's in hiding. 440 00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:46,772 I never would have thought he'd kidnap a child. 441 00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:48,574 Oh, Mr. Cavett. 442 00:22:48,608 --> 00:22:50,542 Thank you so much for having me on your show. 443 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:53,478 - I'm sorry about-- - Oh, nothing to be sorry about. 444 00:22:53,513 --> 00:22:55,947 This was fantastic tv. 445 00:22:55,981 --> 00:22:59,483 And, my lad, you are going to sell a shitload of books. 446 00:22:59,518 --> 00:23:03,320 - Thank you. - Oh, good luck on your dad. 447 00:23:03,354 --> 00:23:06,122 Get me down, you oxen. 448 00:23:06,156 --> 00:23:08,524 What do I pay my taxes for? 449 00:23:08,558 --> 00:23:10,892 - Here, let me go around. - Whoa, easy easy. 450 00:23:10,927 --> 00:23:13,194 I had the chicken Kiev at the Russian tea room. 451 00:23:13,229 --> 00:23:14,162 So-- oh. 452 00:23:20,033 --> 00:23:22,167 Ray Hueston? You're free to go. 453 00:23:22,202 --> 00:23:24,936 You're hurting me. Easy. 454 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:28,373 Ray? Ray, thank God you're here. 455 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:29,974 Louis? 456 00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:31,108 - Help me. - Get in there. 457 00:23:31,143 --> 00:23:32,843 The sandwiches aren't half bad! 458 00:23:38,749 --> 00:23:41,016 Hi. 459 00:23:43,820 --> 00:23:46,788 Hi. 460 00:23:46,823 --> 00:23:49,057 Hi. 461 00:23:49,091 --> 00:23:50,691 Is Spencer all right? 462 00:23:50,726 --> 00:23:53,127 Yes, he's with Renee in Ditmas park. 463 00:23:53,161 --> 00:23:55,762 Everyone realizes it was a big mistake, 464 00:23:55,797 --> 00:23:58,998 - but, Ray-- - What? 465 00:23:59,032 --> 00:24:02,368 Renee's worried about you being alone with Spencer. 466 00:24:02,402 --> 00:24:05,003 She wants to reconsider the arrangement. 467 00:24:05,037 --> 00:24:08,138 Oh God. 468 00:24:08,173 --> 00:24:10,607 - I'm sorry, Ray. - I'm sure she'll come around. 469 00:24:10,641 --> 00:24:14,744 I once left Emily locked in a car when she was five years old 470 00:24:14,778 --> 00:24:17,612 and her mom got over it. We didn't speak for a year, 471 00:24:17,647 --> 00:24:20,047 but... 472 00:24:22,618 --> 00:24:26,621 I'm sorry to hear that. Of course I'll write a letter to your parole officer. 473 00:24:26,656 --> 00:24:29,124 - Thank you, papi. - It's the least I can do. 474 00:24:29,158 --> 00:24:31,559 Oh, thank you, Jose. 475 00:24:31,593 --> 00:24:33,627 They took my cravat, you know? 476 00:24:33,662 --> 00:24:36,163 - The navy blue one. - Oh. 477 00:24:36,197 --> 00:24:37,597 This is a monstrous place. 478 00:24:37,631 --> 00:24:39,898 ♪ oh, my bills are all due ♪ 479 00:24:39,932 --> 00:24:41,899 ♪ and the baby needs shoes ♪ 480 00:24:41,934 --> 00:24:45,825 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 481 00:24:46,838 --> 00:24:49,906 ♪ cotton is down to a quarter a pound ♪ 482 00:24:49,941 --> 00:24:52,675 ♪ but I'm busted ♪ 483 00:24:54,578 --> 00:24:56,545 ♪ I got a cow that went dry ♪ 484 00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,880 ♪ and a hen that won't lay ♪ 485 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,650 ♪ a big stack of bills that gets bigger each day ♪ 486 00:25:02,684 --> 00:25:06,386 ♪ the county will haul my belongings away ♪ 487 00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:09,255 ♪ 'cause I'm busted ♪ 488 00:25:14,728 --> 00:25:18,997 ♪ I went to my brother to ask for a loan ♪ 489 00:25:19,031 --> 00:25:21,699 ♪ 'cause I'm busted ♪ 490 00:25:23,935 --> 00:25:27,270 ♪ I hate to beg like a dog for a bone ♪ 491 00:25:27,304 --> 00:25:29,605 ♪ but I'm busted ♪ 492 00:25:33,043 --> 00:25:35,277 ♪ I mean, nothing. ♪