1
00:00:03,844 --> 00:00:06,079
Knopey, my girl, what up?
2
00:00:06,113 --> 00:00:07,914
- I just farted.
- Oh, Jeremy.
3
00:00:07,948 --> 00:00:09,482
I truly thought that
I would never have
4
00:00:09,517 --> 00:00:10,517
to interact with you again.
5
00:00:10,551 --> 00:00:11,684
I missed you too.
6
00:00:11,719 --> 00:00:13,153
The city council is voting
7
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:14,120
on whether to rezone
8
00:00:14,155 --> 00:00:16,089
the Newport land
for commercial use.
9
00:00:16,245 --> 00:00:19,381
If I win, stupid Gryzzl
and stupid Ron
10
00:00:19,415 --> 00:00:21,850
can't build anything there,
and then I'm sitting pretty.
11
00:00:21,884 --> 00:00:26,555
Sadly, the deciding vote
is from my old city council mate
12
00:00:26,589 --> 00:00:31,359
and human equivalent of
gas station Sushi, Jeremy Jamm.
13
00:00:31,394 --> 00:00:34,429
So I am here to talk to you
about why you should vote "No"
14
00:00:34,463 --> 00:00:35,830
- in the zoning issue--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
15
00:00:35,865 --> 00:00:37,165
Hold up, little chica.
16
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,835
Before we go any further,
I need to ask my girlfriend
17
00:00:39,869 --> 00:00:40,936
how she wants me to vote.
18
00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:43,405
Why?
Who's your girlfriend?
19
00:00:43,439 --> 00:00:46,274
Hello, Leslie.
20
00:00:46,309 --> 00:00:47,342
Tammy!
21
00:00:50,313 --> 00:01:00,710
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:07,542 --> 00:01:10,432
Wow, Jamm and Tammy.
Jammy.
23
00:01:10,466 --> 00:01:12,134
Jammy.
24
00:01:12,168 --> 00:01:13,935
You guys are so cute.
When did you--
25
00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:17,572
why would either one of you,
uh, you know, why?
26
00:01:17,607 --> 00:01:18,707
Dear God, why?
27
00:01:18,741 --> 00:01:20,876
Hit it off at karaoke.
28
00:01:20,910 --> 00:01:23,345
She saw me nail
Gangsta's Paradise.
29
00:01:23,379 --> 00:01:25,280
I saw her bite the door guy...
30
00:01:25,314 --> 00:01:28,183
She then let me buy her
a bunch of purses,
31
00:01:28,217 --> 00:01:30,352
- and the rest is history.
- A bunch.
32
00:01:30,386 --> 00:01:32,053
Wait a second,
this is great news,
33
00:01:32,088 --> 00:01:34,289
because Ron is my opponent
in this,
34
00:01:34,323 --> 00:01:36,424
and you live to torture Ron.
35
00:01:36,459 --> 00:01:37,426
Vote for me
36
00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:38,994
so that you can screw Ron over.
37
00:01:39,028 --> 00:01:41,062
Maybe you're not
a blonde bimbo after all.
38
00:01:41,097 --> 00:01:43,131
- Thank you.
- Well, let me mull it over.
39
00:01:43,166 --> 00:01:45,500
Sure, I'm aligning myself
with terrible people,
40
00:01:45,535 --> 00:01:48,069
but think
of all the wonderful people
41
00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:50,105
who will benefit
from a national park!
42
00:01:50,139 --> 00:01:52,641
It's worth it,
and you can trust my opinion
43
00:01:52,675 --> 00:01:54,843
because I have a lot to gain
by being right,
44
00:01:54,877 --> 00:01:57,979
and I have severe tunnel vision
about achieving my goals.
45
00:01:58,014 --> 00:02:01,316
Joan, on behalf of the entire
city, congratulations.
46
00:02:01,350 --> 00:02:03,985
I do want to apologize for not
being able to accommodate
47
00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:05,287
- some of your requests.
- Oh.
48
00:02:05,321 --> 00:02:07,455
For example,
we couldn't get a bottle
49
00:02:07,490 --> 00:02:10,392
of Chateau Marmont
because it's a hotel
50
00:02:10,426 --> 00:02:12,527
in Los Angeles, not a wine.
51
00:02:12,562 --> 00:02:15,030
Well, did you at least get
buddy holly to sing?
52
00:02:15,064 --> 00:02:19,367
No, because he's been
famously dead for 60 years.
53
00:02:19,402 --> 00:02:21,002
- What?
- Hi, Joan.
54
00:02:21,037 --> 00:02:23,305
Hi, my name is April,
and I'm your biggest fan,
55
00:02:23,339 --> 00:02:24,439
- and I pretty much hate everyone.
- Oh.
56
00:02:24,473 --> 00:02:26,308
Will you sign
your ninth memoir for me?
57
00:02:26,342 --> 00:02:28,577
Well, it would be my pleasure.
58
00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:29,878
You said your name was Glenn?
59
00:02:29,912 --> 00:02:32,914
- Yes, I did.
- That's pretty.
60
00:02:32,949 --> 00:02:34,916
Joan has always been
kind of a train wreck,
61
00:02:34,951 --> 00:02:38,253
but the last three years,
she's gone off the deep end.
62
00:02:38,287 --> 00:02:40,555
She did a string of shows
from rehab.
63
00:02:40,590 --> 00:02:43,792
Victoria Herzog,
you were a successful attorney
64
00:02:43,826 --> 00:02:44,759
from Wilmington, Delaware.
65
00:02:44,794 --> 00:02:46,261
Then you hit rock bottom.
66
00:02:46,295 --> 00:02:47,963
This is supposed to be
anonymous.
67
00:02:47,997 --> 00:02:50,565
She once gave every member
in her audience a car.
68
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,201
One car, that they all
had to fight for.
69
00:02:53,236 --> 00:02:54,936
Oh, and last year she did a show
70
00:02:54,971 --> 00:02:56,572
where she called
all of her ex-boyfriends
71
00:02:56,606 --> 00:02:58,106
while sitting
on a washing machine.
72
00:02:58,141 --> 00:02:59,875
Well, Erik,
if you didn't give it to me,
73
00:02:59,909 --> 00:03:01,176
then who did?
74
00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:03,078
I love her so much.
75
00:03:03,112 --> 00:03:05,847
I hope she's my real mom.
76
00:03:05,882 --> 00:03:08,083
"Entrepreneur-bachelor
Tom Haverford
77
00:03:08,117 --> 00:03:10,919
"is making quite a splash
in the culinary world.
78
00:03:10,953 --> 00:03:15,090
We expect even bigger things
from him in 2018."
79
00:03:15,124 --> 00:03:18,160
Tom, what does "culinary" mean?
80
00:03:18,194 --> 00:03:19,628
Means this is a cause
for celebration.
81
00:03:19,662 --> 00:03:21,696
Round of drinks for everyone
on the house.
82
00:03:21,731 --> 00:03:22,764
Yeah!
83
00:03:22,798 --> 00:03:24,199
Oh, let me also get
a chicken parm
84
00:03:24,233 --> 00:03:25,300
and a lasagna on the side.
85
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,803
And a spaghetti to go.
On the house!
86
00:03:27,837 --> 00:03:30,205
Yes.
87
00:03:31,474 --> 00:03:32,674
That's the fourth engagement
this month.
88
00:03:32,708 --> 00:03:35,043
I'm tired of being
an entrepreneur/bachelor.
89
00:03:35,077 --> 00:03:37,012
I need to find someone.
90
00:03:37,046 --> 00:03:39,147
Are you bummed, Tom?
91
00:03:39,182 --> 00:03:40,649
Hey, I got a quick fix for that.
92
00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,551
Let's get hammered.
93
00:03:42,585 --> 00:03:44,719
Everything here is free.
94
00:03:44,754 --> 00:03:46,888
Ron.
95
00:03:46,923 --> 00:03:50,959
Ms. Knope.
How's that $0 bid coming along?
96
00:03:50,993 --> 00:03:53,195
You know, in my experience
with capitalism,
97
00:03:53,229 --> 00:03:55,564
people normally expect money
in exchange
98
00:03:55,598 --> 00:03:57,032
for their goods and land.
99
00:03:57,066 --> 00:04:00,435
In my experience
with buttfaces, you are one.
100
00:04:01,838 --> 00:04:04,072
We will now hear arguments
about the Newport property.
101
00:04:04,107 --> 00:04:07,409
First, on behalf of Gryzzl,
Mr. Ron Swanson.
102
00:04:07,443 --> 00:04:09,211
Thank you, councilman.
103
00:04:09,245 --> 00:04:12,447
When you vote tomorrow,
we believe you should vote
104
00:04:12,482 --> 00:04:15,250
to rezone the land
for commercial use.
105
00:04:15,284 --> 00:04:18,286
Well, I'm convinced.
Tomorrow I'm voting for Gryzzl.
106
00:04:18,321 --> 00:04:19,454
What?
107
00:04:19,489 --> 00:04:21,423
I didn't even get a chance
to say my plan.
108
00:04:21,457 --> 00:04:23,225
Your plan?
109
00:04:23,259 --> 00:04:24,593
You know who else had a plan?
110
00:04:24,627 --> 00:04:25,760
Please don't say Hitler.
111
00:04:25,795 --> 00:04:28,230
Adolf Hitler.
112
00:04:28,264 --> 00:04:29,698
I'm with Swanson.
113
00:04:29,732 --> 00:04:31,933
It's a stache thing.
Stache bros.
114
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:33,568
You wouldn't understand.
115
00:04:33,603 --> 00:04:35,937
We're done here.
116
00:04:35,972 --> 00:04:38,306
Well, that was easy.
117
00:04:38,341 --> 00:04:39,875
What the hell just happened?
118
00:04:40,977 --> 00:04:42,410
Thank you, Commissioner Gordon,
119
00:04:42,445 --> 00:04:43,478
people of Gotham.
120
00:04:43,513 --> 00:04:45,547
Okay, she thinks
she's in Batman.
121
00:04:45,581 --> 00:04:48,550
People often ask me,
"Joan, how do you do it?"
122
00:04:48,584 --> 00:04:50,452
It's simple.
123
00:04:50,486 --> 00:04:52,153
I love being on TV.
124
00:04:52,188 --> 00:04:53,889
I've known
what I've wanted to do
125
00:04:53,923 --> 00:04:55,424
since I was ten years old.
126
00:04:55,458 --> 00:04:58,560
That is the key
to living a good life.
127
00:04:58,594 --> 00:05:02,631
If you don't absolutely love
what you do with a true passion,
128
00:05:02,665 --> 00:05:04,766
then what's the point
in doing it at all?
129
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:06,201
On a separate note,
130
00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:08,270
I think that America
should have a purge night.
131
00:05:08,304 --> 00:05:10,639
Let me explain why.
132
00:05:10,673 --> 00:05:13,875
Do I even like my job?
133
00:05:13,910 --> 00:05:16,711
I must be the first person ever
134
00:05:16,746 --> 00:05:20,148
to have money, power,
and notoriety
135
00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:22,784
but still feel empty.
136
00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:24,553
I need someone to share
my life with.
137
00:05:24,587 --> 00:05:28,924
What if your future wife is
somebody that you already know?
138
00:05:28,958 --> 00:05:31,860
Let's open your Gryzzl page.
139
00:05:31,894 --> 00:05:33,094
What about her?
She's cute.
140
00:05:33,129 --> 00:05:34,996
- Date her.
- That's my cousin.
141
00:05:35,031 --> 00:05:36,631
Oh. How about her?
142
00:05:36,666 --> 00:05:38,186
That's my dad!
What's wrong with you?
143
00:05:38,201 --> 00:05:39,234
I'm drunk, okay?
144
00:05:39,268 --> 00:05:41,069
Why are you only friends
with your family?
145
00:05:41,104 --> 00:05:42,137
Ooh, look,
you just got a message
146
00:05:42,171 --> 00:05:44,139
from somebody named Lucy
in Chicago.
147
00:05:44,173 --> 00:05:45,307
She looks familiar.
148
00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:47,008
Yeah, we used to date.
I was super into her.
149
00:05:47,043 --> 00:05:50,745
No, that's not it.
Was she in Destiny's Child?
150
00:05:50,780 --> 00:05:53,982
"Hey, Tom.
Saw the article, you boss!
151
00:05:54,016 --> 00:05:56,518
Let's catch up soon.
Miss you."
152
00:05:56,552 --> 00:05:59,120
Do you realize what's happening?
153
00:05:59,155 --> 00:06:00,489
We have been sitting here
154
00:06:00,523 --> 00:06:01,756
searching for your soul mate
this whole time,
155
00:06:01,791 --> 00:06:03,792
and then Lucy just
Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere?
156
00:06:03,826 --> 00:06:05,227
It's a sign,
and we have to catch it.
157
00:06:05,261 --> 00:06:07,996
We are going to Chicago.
158
00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:11,533
Andy, think about what
you're saying right now,
159
00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:13,835
'cause it's the smartest idea
anyone's ever had.
160
00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:15,904
- Let's go!
- Yeah!
161
00:06:15,938 --> 00:06:18,173
Ron, what did you do?
162
00:06:18,207 --> 00:06:20,542
I delivered
a flawless presentation
163
00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:22,344
and secured tomorrow's vote.
164
00:06:22,378 --> 00:06:24,813
No, you got all sneaky
and snuck around
165
00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:26,214
and snooked that vote away
from me.
166
00:06:26,249 --> 00:06:29,651
And I know this because earlier
I sneaked and snooked around,
167
00:06:29,685 --> 00:06:31,553
and Jammy was supposed
to vote for me.
168
00:06:31,587 --> 00:06:34,122
The snooker has become
the snorked.
169
00:06:34,157 --> 00:06:37,793
What are you talking--
170
00:06:37,827 --> 00:06:39,461
She's near.
171
00:06:39,495 --> 00:06:40,896
Hey, Ron.
172
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:42,030
Tammy.
173
00:06:42,064 --> 00:06:43,598
So you two are together now.
174
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:46,334
- My condolences to both of you.
- Mm.
175
00:06:46,369 --> 00:06:47,469
You guys
were supposed to vote for me.
176
00:06:47,503 --> 00:06:50,205
Leslie, I would never
do anything to help you.
177
00:06:50,239 --> 00:06:52,007
You've always been
against me and Ron.
178
00:06:52,041 --> 00:06:54,209
You're a big part of the reason
that he and I aren't together
179
00:06:54,243 --> 00:06:56,378
and I had to settle
for this placeholder.
180
00:06:56,412 --> 00:06:58,179
I love you so much.
181
00:06:58,214 --> 00:07:00,048
So you thought
if you voted for Ron,
182
00:07:00,082 --> 00:07:01,683
you could actually win him back?
183
00:07:01,717 --> 00:07:02,851
Yeah, that's right.
184
00:07:02,885 --> 00:07:04,286
Did it work, baby?
185
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,055
Are you horny with gratitude?
186
00:07:09,425 --> 00:07:11,460
You two more than deserve
each other.
187
00:07:11,494 --> 00:07:14,096
Good luck.
188
00:07:14,130 --> 00:07:15,697
The vote is tomorrow.
189
00:07:15,732 --> 00:07:18,099
If I don't get Jamm
out from Tammy's clutches,
190
00:07:18,134 --> 00:07:19,301
I'm doomed!
191
00:07:19,335 --> 00:07:21,369
It's like rescuing a bunny
from a lion,
192
00:07:21,404 --> 00:07:24,200
but that lion is
a demonic sociopath
193
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,907
with really nice cleavage.
194
00:07:28,706 --> 00:07:30,374
All right, we're here.
195
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:31,975
Sir, where the hell are we?
196
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:33,243
Chicago.
197
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,412
That'll be $830.
198
00:07:35,447 --> 00:07:36,446
Oh, no.
199
00:07:36,481 --> 00:07:38,282
- This is so dumb.
- Awesome!
200
00:07:38,316 --> 00:07:40,076
Turn the car around.
We're going back home.
201
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,118
No way.
Pay me.
202
00:07:41,152 --> 00:07:42,586
And get the hell out of my cab.
203
00:07:42,620 --> 00:07:44,555
Pay the man.
204
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,424
Chicago!
205
00:07:47,459 --> 00:07:49,193
The Big Apple!
206
00:07:49,227 --> 00:07:51,261
- Well, that's where Lucy works.
- Yeah.
207
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:52,763
Must have given the cabbie
the address.
208
00:07:52,797 --> 00:07:54,298
Let's just get something to eat
and fly home.
209
00:07:54,332 --> 00:07:56,066
What? No!
We came all this way.
210
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,501
Tom, we should at least say hi.
211
00:07:57,535 --> 00:07:59,703
No. You can't not talk to
someone for five years and then
212
00:07:59,737 --> 00:08:02,439
show up unannounced where
they work in a different city.
213
00:08:02,474 --> 00:08:04,408
That's what murderers do
before they murder someone.
214
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,509
Tom?
215
00:08:05,543 --> 00:08:07,077
I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?
216
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,879
Oh, uh--
217
00:08:08,913 --> 00:08:10,781
You're not going
to murder me, are you?
218
00:08:10,815 --> 00:08:15,819
No.
I'm here doing stuff, um--
219
00:08:15,854 --> 00:08:17,921
Lucy, hey.
Andy Dwyer.
220
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,423
- Remember me?
- Yeah.
221
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,492
He's here helping me
find a place to live.
222
00:08:21,526 --> 00:08:23,093
I just got a job here,
223
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,695
and then when you hit him up
on Gryzzl,
224
00:08:24,729 --> 00:08:26,463
he was like,
"Let's go say hi to Lucy
225
00:08:26,498 --> 00:08:28,832
since we're already here
in Chicago."
226
00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:30,200
Yeah.
That's the deal.
227
00:08:30,235 --> 00:08:31,568
Cool.
What job is it?
228
00:08:31,603 --> 00:08:33,604
Head coach of the Chicago Bulls.
229
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,606
No, he's, uh,
working at a nonprofit.
230
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,574
No, what?
Am I?
231
00:08:37,609 --> 00:08:39,042
Aw, that sucks.
232
00:08:39,077 --> 00:08:40,511
Well, um, listen,
I got some stuff I got to do
233
00:08:40,545 --> 00:08:42,179
in the office,
but I want to hang out.
234
00:08:42,213 --> 00:08:43,547
Do you want to meet me here
in, like, an hour?
235
00:08:43,581 --> 00:08:45,082
Yeah.
That sounds great.
236
00:08:45,116 --> 00:08:46,083
We'll, uh, got get a little
237
00:08:46,117 --> 00:08:47,518
Chicago deep dish pizza
238
00:08:47,552 --> 00:08:49,052
- and go watch the Bears.
- No.
239
00:08:49,087 --> 00:08:50,721
I'm sorry I started doing that.
240
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,092
Hey, April.
How's it going?
241
00:08:55,126 --> 00:08:56,226
Fine.
242
00:08:56,261 --> 00:08:58,529
Except hearing Joan
talk about her passion
243
00:08:58,563 --> 00:08:59,763
and doing what you really love,
244
00:08:59,798 --> 00:09:01,198
like, totally freaked me out.
245
00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:03,200
Eight years ago,
I accepted a random internship
246
00:09:03,234 --> 00:09:04,368
at the Parks Department,
247
00:09:04,402 --> 00:09:06,203
and then Leslie told me
to do a bunch of stuff,
248
00:09:06,237 --> 00:09:08,772
and now I'm executive director
of regional whatever--
249
00:09:08,807 --> 00:09:10,140
I don't even know what it means,
250
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,576
and I never even asked myself
if I even really like it.
251
00:09:12,610 --> 00:09:14,511
I mean, it's like
what is my purpose in life?
252
00:09:14,546 --> 00:09:17,214
What do I even care about?
253
00:09:17,248 --> 00:09:18,549
My insides are dying.
254
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:21,051
So, not fine.
255
00:09:21,085 --> 00:09:22,753
I don't know what to do.
I have to quit.
256
00:09:22,787 --> 00:09:23,954
To do what?
257
00:09:23,988 --> 00:09:25,556
I'm just gonna go
live under a bridge
258
00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:26,990
and ask people riddles
before they cross.
259
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,125
Okay, hold on.
260
00:09:28,159 --> 00:09:29,960
Do you remember what Joan said
at the ceremony?
261
00:09:29,994 --> 00:09:31,562
That is doesn't count
as stripping
262
00:09:31,596 --> 00:09:32,830
if no one pays you?
263
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,798
Yes, she did say that, but no.
264
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:37,534
She knew she wanted to be on TV
when she was ten.
265
00:09:37,569 --> 00:09:40,604
So what did you want to be
when you were ten?
266
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,309
It says here
the future of caskets
267
00:09:45,343 --> 00:09:47,845
may just be
biodegradable plastic.
268
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,847
Oh, you don't say.
Hey, are you chilly?
269
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:50,948
I'm a little chilly, I think.
270
00:09:50,982 --> 00:09:52,649
- No.
- Hey, guys.
271
00:09:52,684 --> 00:09:54,451
Welcome.
I'm Dan.
272
00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:56,253
Hi, I'm Ben.
This is April.
273
00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:58,288
And I'm scared of death.
274
00:09:58,323 --> 00:10:01,191
I'm just really interested
in learning what you do.
275
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,292
You're gonna love it here.
276
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:05,329
People are dying to get in.
277
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:06,497
Come on, come on.
278
00:10:06,531 --> 00:10:09,466
We'll start
down at the cadaver chute.
279
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:12,236
The cadaver chute.
Come on!
280
00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:13,971
So this is where
you want to eat lunch?
281
00:10:14,005 --> 00:10:15,205
In a steakhouse?
282
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,074
Don't you have
irritable bowel syndrome?
283
00:10:17,108 --> 00:10:18,408
God, I hate that I know that.
284
00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:20,244
Yeah, it's murder
on the old plumbing,
285
00:10:20,278 --> 00:10:23,814
but, uh, Tammy only wants me
to eat steak and whiskey.
286
00:10:23,848 --> 00:10:26,784
She has my stool analyzed
just to keep me honest.
287
00:10:26,818 --> 00:10:28,919
I don't think this
relationship is that healthy.
288
00:10:28,953 --> 00:10:32,089
I mean, it seems like Tammy
is trying to turn you into Ron,
289
00:10:32,123 --> 00:10:34,558
and you're Jeremy Jamm,
I mean, come on.
290
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,960
You love Porsches
and spiked iced tea,
291
00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:38,762
and you have
a Hooters platinum card.
292
00:10:38,797 --> 00:10:41,098
Yeah, Tammy doesn't really
let me do that stuff anymore.
293
00:10:41,132 --> 00:10:43,400
But, uh, you know, it's good,
you know?
294
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:44,535
I'm better now.
295
00:10:44,569 --> 00:10:46,003
I mean, sure, I'm depressed,
296
00:10:46,037 --> 00:10:48,305
and, uh, I'm constantly sick,
297
00:10:48,339 --> 00:10:50,040
and nothing
really brings me joy,
298
00:10:50,075 --> 00:10:52,209
but it just feels right.
299
00:10:52,243 --> 00:10:55,512
Oh, God.
300
00:10:55,547 --> 00:10:57,881
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, help me, Knope.
301
00:10:57,916 --> 00:10:59,550
Oh, I used to be so great.
302
00:10:59,584 --> 00:11:01,251
Remember?
Everybody thought so.
303
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:02,853
Well--
304
00:11:02,887 --> 00:11:04,288
- Oh, God.
- Wow.
305
00:11:04,322 --> 00:11:06,557
This is worse than I thought.
306
00:11:06,591 --> 00:11:09,393
You're broken.
She has broken you.
307
00:11:09,427 --> 00:11:11,228
You need to get away from her.
308
00:11:11,262 --> 00:11:12,542
Oh, God. Whoa, hey.
Look at that.
309
00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:17,301
More hair came out.
310
00:11:20,338 --> 00:11:22,378
Yeah, I think you're really
going to like it here.
311
00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:24,341
And obviously everyone's
in a really great mood now
312
00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:25,909
because of the Cubs
winning the series.
313
00:11:25,944 --> 00:11:27,211
Yeah, it seems really nice.
314
00:11:27,245 --> 00:11:29,179
I mean, I am gonna miss
Pawnee, though.
315
00:11:29,214 --> 00:11:31,181
My wife's there,
for crying out loud.
316
00:11:31,216 --> 00:11:32,337
Yeah, tell me about Pawnee.
317
00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:33,711
It sounds like
it's really changed.
318
00:11:33,718 --> 00:11:35,438
Oh, yeah.
There's a ton of new businesses.
319
00:11:35,453 --> 00:11:36,687
Gryzzl came in.
320
00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:39,757
They gave everyone free tablets
and wi-fi and phones.
321
00:11:39,791 --> 00:11:42,226
You can watch Hitch 2
anytime, anywhere.
322
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:43,894
Finally, that's the dream.
323
00:11:43,928 --> 00:11:45,996
Part of me wants
to go back, you know?
324
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:47,831
I always kind of liked it there.
325
00:11:47,866 --> 00:11:50,434
Man, you got me
really missing Pawnee now.
326
00:11:50,468 --> 00:11:53,137
I don't know what to do.
Am I making the right decision?
327
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,141
Hey.
328
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,510
- Why are you here?
- I'm calling a temporary truce.
329
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:01,412
You need to help me
break up Jamm and Tammy.
330
00:12:01,446 --> 00:12:02,813
Forget it.
331
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,848
You just want Jamm
to switch his vote.
332
00:12:04,883 --> 00:12:07,017
What is this,
revenge for Morningstar?
333
00:12:07,052 --> 00:12:08,519
No, it is not about that.
334
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,820
It is not about the vote.
335
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,488
There is a guy in real trouble,
336
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,856
and you might be
the only one who can help him.
337
00:12:12,891 --> 00:12:14,558
This is
about saving someone's soul.
338
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:17,561
He is a monster.
Monsters do not have souls.
339
00:12:17,595 --> 00:12:19,630
Uh, have you ever seen
Monsters, Inc.?
340
00:12:19,664 --> 00:12:21,265
- No.
- Damn it, Ron.
341
00:12:21,299 --> 00:12:23,033
Engage in the culture
once in a while.
342
00:12:23,068 --> 00:12:24,935
Jamm, get in here.
343
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:31,342
Good God, man.
What happened to you?
344
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:32,810
Tammy happened to him!
345
00:12:32,844 --> 00:12:34,845
Remind you of anyone, Ron?
346
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,580
We need to put our issues aside
347
00:12:36,614 --> 00:12:39,917
and defend
this miserable person.
348
00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:42,319
Jeremy, this is a gold bar.
349
00:12:42,353 --> 00:12:43,487
You keep that in your desk?
350
00:12:43,521 --> 00:12:45,356
I will give you this gold bar
351
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,659
if you say one
unflattering thing about Tammy.
352
00:12:48,693 --> 00:12:51,462
If I do...
353
00:12:51,496 --> 00:12:53,263
does Tammy get to keep the gold?
354
00:12:53,298 --> 00:12:54,465
Oh, my God.
355
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:55,933
When it comes to Tammy,
356
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,302
the code is the same as that
of the battlefield:
357
00:12:58,336 --> 00:13:00,370
First, you leave no man behind.
358
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,105
Second, you must
protect yourself
359
00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:04,775
against chemical warfare.
360
00:13:04,809 --> 00:13:08,145
Tammy does not abide
by the Geneva convention.
361
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,891
I made
this Tammy de-programming kit
362
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,466
in case I ever fell victim
to her again.
363
00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:17,688
First, this is a chastity belt
that I made by hand.
364
00:13:17,722 --> 00:13:19,690
It might be a couple sizes
too big for you,
365
00:13:19,724 --> 00:13:21,625
but you can just pad it.
366
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:24,328
The first step
is to cut out all sex.
367
00:13:24,362 --> 00:13:25,629
That won't be necessary.
368
00:13:25,664 --> 00:13:26,897
We haven't done the deed yet.
369
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:29,700
She lets me rub up
against her leg sometimes.
370
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,268
Well, all the more reason
to wear it.
371
00:13:31,303 --> 00:13:33,537
She knows she has that card
left to play,
372
00:13:33,572 --> 00:13:35,372
and you best believe she will.
373
00:13:35,407 --> 00:13:37,441
We're also gonna try
a Pavlovian technique.
374
00:13:37,476 --> 00:13:41,045
Ron is holding
Tammy's perfume, Girth.
375
00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:42,179
Oh.
376
00:13:42,214 --> 00:13:44,915
Oh, smells good.
Oh!
377
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:46,350
Again.
378
00:13:46,385 --> 00:13:47,751
Tammy.
Oh!
379
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,220
How many times
are we gonna do this?
380
00:13:49,254 --> 00:13:50,888
Until the bottle is empty.
Again.
381
00:13:50,922 --> 00:13:52,089
Twice.
382
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,290
Tam--
Ahh!
383
00:13:53,325 --> 00:13:54,291
Ahh!
384
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:56,227
It's going well so far,
385
00:13:56,261 --> 00:14:00,831
but it's too early to tell.
386
00:14:00,866 --> 00:14:02,666
- Oh.
- He was pretty far gone.
387
00:14:04,569 --> 00:14:06,504
Hopefully we get
a body in today,
388
00:14:06,538 --> 00:14:09,373
so I can show you guys
the really fun part:
389
00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:10,474
Draining.
390
00:14:10,509 --> 00:14:11,842
Oh, God.
I hate this so much.
391
00:14:11,877 --> 00:14:13,410
Cool.
Can I touch a dead body?
392
00:14:13,445 --> 00:14:15,179
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, eager beaver.
393
00:14:15,213 --> 00:14:17,281
That doesn't happen
for at least a year.
394
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:18,983
Why?
How did you become a mortician?
395
00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:20,217
Can't I just sign up?
396
00:14:20,252 --> 00:14:21,352
Oh, gosh, no.
397
00:14:21,386 --> 00:14:22,753
You need two years of school
398
00:14:22,788 --> 00:14:24,054
and a year-long apprenticeship.
399
00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:27,625
First few years
are mostly paperwork and filing.
400
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:30,194
Ugh! Why is every job
just paperwork?
401
00:14:30,228 --> 00:14:32,463
Hey, it's a living.
402
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,298
Yeah, I think
we're just gonna go, Dan.
403
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:37,368
Um, the reality of your life
is incredibly depressing.
404
00:14:37,402 --> 00:14:38,903
I'm just gonna stay
at my current job
405
00:14:38,937 --> 00:14:41,505
until I get old and die
and then end up here
406
00:14:41,540 --> 00:14:42,873
being embalmed by some weirdo
407
00:14:42,908 --> 00:14:44,508
who had to go to school
for three years
408
00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:46,210
just to cut my guts open.
409
00:14:46,244 --> 00:14:48,245
- Let's go.
- Oh, thank God.
410
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,681
Okay.
Have a good one.
411
00:14:50,716 --> 00:14:52,249
Okay, we're gonna do some scenes
412
00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:54,718
and demonstrate ways
that you can resist Tammy.
413
00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:57,154
I will play Tammy.
Ron will play you.
414
00:14:57,189 --> 00:14:59,190
Hey there, horsey.
415
00:14:59,224 --> 00:15:02,193
Time to mount up
and ride on into Bonertown.
416
00:15:02,227 --> 00:15:05,763
What do you say we get stanky
in that pet store bathroom?
417
00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:08,332
- Huh, Jamm? Hmm? Huh? Huh?
- Do it.
418
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,201
There will be
no sex today, Tammy.
419
00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:11,469
Oh.
420
00:15:11,503 --> 00:15:13,370
Instead, why don't you go
into the pet store
421
00:15:13,405 --> 00:15:15,272
and feed yourself to the snakes?
422
00:15:15,307 --> 00:15:18,209
To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.
423
00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:19,777
Hey, you big hunk
of wiener meat.
424
00:15:19,811 --> 00:15:23,013
I've got 40 handtowels,
some energy bars,
425
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:24,849
and a Chinese finger trap.
426
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,550
Let's get gross.
427
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:28,252
This gambit has failed.
428
00:15:28,286 --> 00:15:30,588
To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.
429
00:15:30,622 --> 00:15:31,722
What are you wearing?
430
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,691
It's a crotch-blinder
of my own design.
431
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:37,261
In this scenario, she will be
coming at you pants-less.
432
00:15:37,295 --> 00:15:38,696
Okay.
433
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,898
Doors are locked.
Window is secured.
434
00:15:40,932 --> 00:15:43,234
There is no way
Tammy's getting in here.
435
00:15:43,268 --> 00:15:44,568
Jamm.
436
00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:47,171
Strip down, you sex maggot.
437
00:15:47,205 --> 00:15:48,906
And hold!
438
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:50,074
What was your mistake?
439
00:15:50,108 --> 00:15:52,676
You didn't check the armoire.
440
00:15:52,711 --> 00:15:54,645
Tammy once camped out
in my attic
441
00:15:54,679 --> 00:15:57,148
for six days
awaiting my arrival.
442
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,550
She survived on rats
and rainwater.
443
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,919
Let's run it again!
444
00:16:01,953 --> 00:16:03,953
I gotta say, hanging out
with Lucy's been so fun.
445
00:16:03,955 --> 00:16:05,122
She's the best.
446
00:16:05,157 --> 00:16:07,057
And I love
that she's buying us stuff.
447
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,826
Dude, make your move.
Ask her out.
448
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:10,194
I don't know.
She lives here.
449
00:16:10,228 --> 00:16:12,997
- How would it even work?
- Life is about taking risks.
450
00:16:13,031 --> 00:16:15,432
Look at me, Tom.
I'm moving to Chicago.
451
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:16,967
It's just us right now.
452
00:16:17,002 --> 00:16:18,269
Do you really think
you're moving here?
453
00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,171
One double XL, one kid's XL.
454
00:16:20,205 --> 00:16:22,073
- Hey, you remembered my size.
- Yeah.
455
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,707
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
456
00:16:23,742 --> 00:16:25,276
Hey, Lucy,
can I ask you something?
457
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:26,277
Of course.
What's up?
458
00:16:26,311 --> 00:16:27,244
I was wondering,
459
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:31,115
would you want to maybe...
460
00:16:31,149 --> 00:16:32,616
come work for me in Pawnee?
461
00:16:32,651 --> 00:16:35,886
I have the company,
and it's growing so fast.
462
00:16:35,921 --> 00:16:37,888
I can't do it all myself,
and I need a manager,
463
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,423
and you're a perfect candidate.
464
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,625
Wow.
Really?
465
00:16:41,660 --> 00:16:44,428
That does sound kind of awesome.
466
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,430
And it'd be super fun
to work with you.
467
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:48,999
I mean, I have to talk to my
boyfriend about it first, but...
468
00:16:49,034 --> 00:16:50,935
Yeah, of course!
469
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,269
This is all perfect,
470
00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:54,205
and everything's worked out
just as I'd hoped.
471
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,476
Hey, this is why
they call it Beantown, huh?
472
00:17:00,378 --> 00:17:01,445
Hey, Jere-bear.
473
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,714
What are you doing
with these two jabronis?
474
00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:06,650
Tammy, I've given this
a lot of thought.
475
00:17:06,685 --> 00:17:08,385
We should break up.
476
00:17:11,289 --> 00:17:12,489
What's the matter, little boy?
477
00:17:12,491 --> 00:17:14,592
Did the bad people get to you?
478
00:17:14,626 --> 00:17:17,595
They just made me realize how
unhealthy this is, literally.
479
00:17:17,629 --> 00:17:19,964
All the steak and whiskey--
I have to wear a diaper.
480
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,266
That's 'cause
you're my widdle baby.
481
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:23,501
We drilled you on this, Jamm.
482
00:17:23,535 --> 00:17:24,768
Baby talk, what do you do?
483
00:17:24,803 --> 00:17:27,538
I'm not a baby.
I'm a big boy!
484
00:17:27,572 --> 00:17:29,807
Yeah, okay. That--
well, that wasn't terrible.
485
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:32,643
Don't listen to Leslie.
She's trying to manipulate you.
486
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:34,979
All she cares about is herself,
and I can prove it.
487
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:37,047
How's this, Leslie?
488
00:17:37,082 --> 00:17:40,351
You leave us alone,
and we swing the vote to you?
489
00:17:40,385 --> 00:17:44,121
Help you get your park.
490
00:17:44,156 --> 00:17:45,856
No. Nice try.
491
00:17:45,891 --> 00:17:47,725
Stay strong, Jeremy.
492
00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:49,460
- It's over, Tammy.
- Tell you what.
493
00:17:49,494 --> 00:17:51,495
It's been long enough.
494
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:55,599
What do you say we
consummate our relationship...
495
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:57,234
tonight?
496
00:17:57,269 --> 00:17:59,970
Huh?
Let's do it.
497
00:18:00,005 --> 00:18:04,041
And the last card is played.
498
00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,811
- What are you doing?
- Shh! This is a library.
499
00:18:06,845 --> 00:18:08,045
Do you see
what's happening here?
500
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,947
Ron, I need
that crotch-blinder.
501
00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:12,950
No, you don't.
Just end it.
502
00:18:13,985 --> 00:18:15,085
- Look at my boobs.
- No.
503
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,287
- Look downstairs.
- No.
504
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:17,521
There's a prize inside for you.
505
00:18:17,522 --> 00:18:18,489
It's over, Tammy.
506
00:18:18,523 --> 00:18:19,557
What?
507
00:18:19,591 --> 00:18:22,693
To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.
508
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:26,230
How dare you?
Are you kidding me?
509
00:18:26,264 --> 00:18:28,466
You'll be back!
They all come back!
510
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,568
Well done, Jeremy.
511
00:18:30,602 --> 00:18:33,737
Turns out the crotch-blinder
was inside you all along.
512
00:18:33,772 --> 00:18:36,187
Everybody,
who wants to get it on?
513
00:18:36,307 --> 00:18:37,384
I'm naked!
514
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:40,835
Donna, what do I do?
515
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,137
If working around corpses
isn't even right for me,
516
00:18:43,172 --> 00:18:44,872
then nothing is.
517
00:18:44,907 --> 00:18:47,441
I feel totally lost.
518
00:18:47,476 --> 00:18:49,744
- Saturn's return.
- What?
519
00:18:49,778 --> 00:18:53,080
Saturn's orbit around the sun
takes roughly 29 years,
520
00:18:53,115 --> 00:18:55,149
and when it gets back to where
it was when you were born,
521
00:18:55,184 --> 00:18:57,552
lots of turmoil,
self-discovery.
522
00:18:57,586 --> 00:18:58,686
When I was your age,
523
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,855
I got banned
from every riverboat in Germany.
524
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:03,124
Donna, April,
what are you up to?
525
00:19:03,158 --> 00:19:05,660
Oh, you know,
just regionally directing
526
00:19:05,694 --> 00:19:07,461
the Midwest whatever
of who cares.
527
00:19:07,496 --> 00:19:08,563
Oh, isn't it great?
528
00:19:08,597 --> 00:19:10,832
Can you believe
that they pay me for this?
529
00:19:10,866 --> 00:19:13,034
Because I would do this
for free.
530
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,002
Aw, jeez!
531
00:19:15,037 --> 00:19:18,506
I do miss you, Terry.
532
00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:20,041
Let me get you some napkins.
533
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:23,544
April, you looked
at one horrifying job.
534
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,012
I've got a few more ideas.
535
00:19:25,047 --> 00:19:26,881
We'll find you
something you like, okay?
536
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,449
Okay.
537
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:30,151
But you can't tell Leslie
I might leave.
538
00:19:30,185 --> 00:19:31,986
She'll have a heart attack.
Promise?
539
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:33,187
I promise.
540
00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:34,789
Why are you
so into helping me right now?
541
00:19:34,823 --> 00:19:37,358
Because I'm finally doing
what I love,
542
00:19:37,392 --> 00:19:39,660
and I know how hard it is
to get to that place.
543
00:19:39,695 --> 00:19:44,332
And I want you to be happy
because you're my friend.
544
00:19:44,366 --> 00:19:47,835
No, I'm not.
I've never cared for you.
545
00:19:50,572 --> 00:19:54,175
Wait, wait.
546
00:19:54,209 --> 00:19:58,045
You're behaving very strangely.
547
00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,981
Saturn's return.
548
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:01,582
Hey, Brokemons.
549
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,817
I just wanted to let you know
550
00:20:02,851 --> 00:20:05,419
that I will be abstaining
from the vote today.
551
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,588
You are
my two all-time best friends,
552
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:08,890
and you brought me back
from the brink,
553
00:20:08,924 --> 00:20:11,058
so I can't choose sides.
554
00:20:11,093 --> 00:20:13,694
Although if I had to pick
one side, it would be
555
00:20:13,729 --> 00:20:15,830
Lucy Liu's backside.
556
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,569
Without Jamm,
the vote's two-two.
557
00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,538
This was all for nothing.
558
00:20:23,572 --> 00:20:25,006
I thought it was very big of you
559
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,102
to not bend when Tammy
promised you the vote.
560
00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:30,907
Well, I thought it was very big
of you to help him at all.
561
00:20:31,557 --> 00:20:32,942
You didn't have to do that.
562
00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:37,570
Okay, back to work to figure out
how to destroy you.
563
00:20:37,619 --> 00:20:38,684
Same. Good bye.
564
00:20:40,599 --> 00:20:43,144
Dude, thank you so much for this.
I really owe you one.
565
00:20:43,264 --> 00:20:44,029
No, you don't.
566
00:20:44,270 --> 00:20:46,750
You're smart and qualified
and we're totally lucky to have you.
567
00:20:46,826 --> 00:20:48,058
Okay, let's do this.
568
00:20:48,444 --> 00:20:51,899
Still don't know what claiming
allowances means. I always put 6.
569
00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:55,097
- So far so good.
- Dude, you are totally going to jail.
570
00:20:56,201 --> 00:20:57,947
This couldn't have worked out any better.
571
00:20:58,333 --> 00:21:01,054
There was a guy eating lunch in here
who didn't finish his spaghetti.
572
00:21:01,670 --> 00:21:03,951
Oh, also, Tom and Lucy
are totally going to fall in love!
573
00:21:05,159 --> 00:21:06,641
Five second rule!
574
00:21:06,761 --> 00:21:12,183
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com