1
00:00:00,650 --> 00:00:01,916
April!
2
00:00:02,050 --> 00:00:03,316
Listen, I was trying to buy
3
00:00:03,384 --> 00:00:05,018
this hand-crafted
mahogany wood model
4
00:00:05,586 --> 00:00:08,420
of a B-25 Mitchell
Panchito aircraft.
5
00:00:08,488 --> 00:00:10,622
- Aw, for me?
- Don't sass me.
6
00:00:10,690 --> 00:00:13,058
And I went to this website,
and this ad popped up
7
00:00:13,126 --> 00:00:15,060
that said "Hey, Ron Swanson!
8
00:00:15,128 --> 00:00:17,096
Check out this great offer."
9
00:00:18,163 --> 00:00:19,030
What's your question?
10
00:00:19,099 --> 00:00:21,066
My question is,
what the hell?
11
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:22,801
Like, how did they know
who you are?
12
00:00:22,868 --> 00:00:25,236
- Yeah.
- Okay.
13
00:00:25,304 --> 00:00:27,605
Um, there are these things
called cookies,
14
00:00:27,672 --> 00:00:30,040
where, like you go to a site
and buy something,
15
00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:32,276
it'll remember you
and then create ads
16
00:00:32,344 --> 00:00:33,644
for other stuff
you might want to buy.
17
00:00:33,712 --> 00:00:36,880
So it learns information?
About me?
18
00:00:36,948 --> 00:00:39,049
That seems like an invasion
of privacy.
19
00:00:39,118 --> 00:00:40,550
Dude, if you think
that's bad,
20
00:00:40,618 --> 00:00:43,553
go to Google Earth
and type in your address.
21
00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:01,006
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,906
The point is, Ben and I have been
dating on and off for about a year.
23
00:01:18,219 --> 00:01:20,688
I am, of course, shocked...
24
00:01:20,756 --> 00:01:24,224
And not just because Ben
usually prefers tall brunettes.
25
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,326
We're very sorry
26
00:01:25,393 --> 00:01:28,429
for the position
this puts you in.
27
00:01:28,496 --> 00:01:29,696
What's happening?
28
00:01:29,764 --> 00:01:31,030
Are you hugging me,
or are we fighting?
29
00:01:31,098 --> 00:01:32,231
Are you hugging or fighting?
Let me know.
30
00:01:32,299 --> 00:01:34,067
Neither of those things.
31
00:01:34,134 --> 00:01:35,869
I love both of you.
32
00:01:35,937 --> 00:01:38,304
You are exemplary
government employees.
33
00:01:38,372 --> 00:01:41,007
"Exemplary"? That's the word
we were thinking of.
34
00:01:41,075 --> 00:01:43,076
- Well, it's true.
- Isn't it?
35
00:01:43,143 --> 00:01:44,910
Which makes what
I'm about to say even sadder.
36
00:01:44,978 --> 00:01:46,545
Then don't say it.
37
00:01:46,613 --> 00:01:47,913
I'm launching
a full investigation
38
00:01:47,981 --> 00:01:49,648
into the extent
of your wrongdoing.
39
00:01:49,716 --> 00:01:52,084
Please report Monday first thing
to the council chambers
40
00:01:52,151 --> 00:01:55,688
for your ethics trial
and subsequent punishment.
41
00:01:58,925 --> 00:02:00,992
I told you
we'd feel better.
42
00:02:03,395 --> 00:02:04,629
Hey.
43
00:02:04,697 --> 00:02:06,263
It's 6:30 in the morning.
44
00:02:06,331 --> 00:02:08,900
Your hearing doesn't start
for another two hours.
45
00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:10,368
Well, I wanted
to get here early,
46
00:02:10,435 --> 00:02:11,769
you know,
get a feel of the room.
47
00:02:11,837 --> 00:02:14,038
- So you got here--
- 3:00 A.M.
48
00:02:14,106 --> 00:02:15,507
I couldn't sleep anyway.
49
00:02:15,574 --> 00:02:17,975
Well, I wanted to sneak in
before you got here--
50
00:02:18,042 --> 00:02:20,944
an absurd pipe dream
I now realize was impossible.
51
00:02:21,012 --> 00:02:22,579
Is that a present for me?
52
00:02:22,647 --> 00:02:24,314
Yeah.
What do you think?
53
00:02:25,383 --> 00:02:26,617
Li'l Sebastian.
54
00:02:26,684 --> 00:02:28,318
Yeah, I had him made for you
at the toy store.
55
00:02:28,386 --> 00:02:30,988
Aw, thank you so much
for making my life so wonderful.
56
00:02:31,055 --> 00:02:32,855
- You're welcome.
- I was talking to him.
57
00:02:32,923 --> 00:02:34,490
- Of course.
- But also to you.
58
00:02:34,558 --> 00:02:35,858
Thanks.
59
00:02:35,926 --> 00:02:37,326
I wish we could go
through this together.
60
00:02:37,394 --> 00:02:38,661
Look, it's going to be okay.
61
00:02:38,729 --> 00:02:40,496
You're just gonna get
a slap on the wrist,
62
00:02:40,564 --> 00:02:42,231
maybe a brief suspension.
63
00:02:42,298 --> 00:02:43,399
That's not okay.
64
00:02:43,466 --> 00:02:44,867
That's gonna go
on my permanent record.
65
00:02:44,935 --> 00:02:46,836
I'm not the kind of person
that has a permanent record.
66
00:02:46,904 --> 00:02:49,838
For me, a slap on the wrist
is like a kick to the nuts.
67
00:02:49,906 --> 00:02:51,740
I know it is.
68
00:02:51,807 --> 00:02:53,307
What's gonna happen to you?
69
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,911
Don't worry about me.
70
00:02:55,978 --> 00:02:57,646
Well, look, I'll be outside
all day,
71
00:02:57,713 --> 00:02:59,681
right on the other side
of that wall.
72
00:02:59,749 --> 00:03:02,951
So, if you miss me,
you just look at this...
73
00:03:03,019 --> 00:03:04,852
Wrinkled, hideous monster
74
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,154
and you'll know
I'm sitting there
75
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,757
- rooting for you, okay?
- Okay.
76
00:03:09,824 --> 00:03:11,124
All right.
77
00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:12,560
- Go.
- Okay.
78
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,962
Marcus Everett Langley
was Pawnee's greatest lawyer
79
00:03:15,030 --> 00:03:16,630
at the turn of the century.
80
00:03:16,698 --> 00:03:18,966
His nickname
was "Old Stone Face"
81
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,300
because of his steely demeanor
82
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,635
and because he got in
an accident at the rock quarry
83
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:25,271
and dynamite blew up his face.
84
00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:27,506
Leslie Knope!
Good morning!
85
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,976
It is snowing outside.
Isn't that great?
86
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,377
You seem like
you're in a good mood.
87
00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:33,146
Actually,
I'm quite miserable.
88
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,148
I admire and respect you,
89
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,215
and dragging you
through an ethics trial
90
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,750
is filling me with sadness.
91
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:42,120
I have never felt so low.
92
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,289
Well, you're radiating
pure joy.
93
00:03:44,356 --> 00:03:46,524
I went to my herbalist
and got two B-12 shots.
94
00:03:46,592 --> 00:03:49,661
And then I ate an unreasonable
amount of St. John's wort,
95
00:03:49,728 --> 00:03:51,897
and my herbalist took
this weird bee pollen paste
96
00:03:51,964 --> 00:03:53,230
rubbed it around my gums.
97
00:03:53,298 --> 00:03:55,465
And now my mouth feels
like a spaceship.
98
00:03:55,533 --> 00:03:57,434
This is stressful.
99
00:03:57,633 --> 00:03:59,234
And stress
leads to depression.
100
00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:02,134
And if I don't mantain an extremely
high dosages of herbal remedies,
101
00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:04,934
I will get very depressed.
102
00:04:05,177 --> 00:04:06,643
Oh, God.
103
00:04:06,711 --> 00:04:08,345
It's happening right now.
104
00:04:08,413 --> 00:04:11,415
We are here today to determine
whether Leslie Knope
105
00:04:11,482 --> 00:04:13,149
violated any municipal rules
or laws
106
00:04:13,217 --> 00:04:14,918
due to her romantic
relationship
107
00:04:14,985 --> 00:04:16,486
with her superior Ben Wyatt,
108
00:04:16,554 --> 00:04:18,322
whose hearing
will be held tomorrow.
109
00:04:18,389 --> 00:04:20,624
Would you like to make
a statement at this time?
110
00:04:21,192 --> 00:04:22,292
Yes.
111
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,160
I freely admit
to the relationship,
112
00:04:24,228 --> 00:04:25,861
and I will not be fighting
the charges
113
00:04:25,929 --> 00:04:28,664
that we violated Chris' rule.
114
00:04:28,732 --> 00:04:32,134
But we did nothing else wrong
or unethical.
115
00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:35,604
In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle
exposed her elbow outdoors,
116
00:04:35,672 --> 00:04:37,840
which was a class "A" felony.
117
00:04:37,907 --> 00:04:39,842
Although she felt
the law unjust,
118
00:04:39,909 --> 00:04:42,009
she acknowledged
that she had broken it,
119
00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:44,679
and she nobly accepted
her punishment--
120
00:04:44,747 --> 00:04:46,381
to be set adrift
on Lake Michigan
121
00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,182
like a human popsicle.
122
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:51,152
Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel--
123
00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:52,687
totally zen.
124
00:04:52,755 --> 00:04:54,422
Ms. Knope, on what day
125
00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:57,124
did your relationship
with Ben Wyatt begin?
126
00:04:57,192 --> 00:05:01,595
Last May, at your request,
Ben and I drove to Indianapolis
127
00:05:01,663 --> 00:05:03,230
to bid for the state
little league tournament.
128
00:05:03,297 --> 00:05:05,666
The night we returned
was the first time
129
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,469
we kissed each other
on each other's mouths.
130
00:05:08,536 --> 00:05:10,136
It was excellent.
131
00:05:10,704 --> 00:05:13,206
That was unnecessary to add.
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
132
00:05:13,274 --> 00:05:14,540
Next question--
133
00:05:14,608 --> 00:05:17,076
did you ever receive
special treatment
134
00:05:17,143 --> 00:05:20,012
as a result of your relationship
with Ben Wyatt?
135
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,916
I received adorable nicknames
and amazing back rubs.
136
00:05:23,984 --> 00:05:25,518
Oh, you mean professionally.
No.
137
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:28,821
And did you break any local,
state, or federal law
138
00:05:28,889 --> 00:05:31,623
in an effort to cover up your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?
139
00:05:31,691 --> 00:05:34,158
Absolutely not.
140
00:05:34,226 --> 00:05:36,127
Thank you.
Ms. Knope, that is all.
141
00:05:36,195 --> 00:05:38,329
Mr. Traeger, this says you're
gonna be calling 14 witnesses.
142
00:05:38,398 --> 00:05:39,731
Is that correct?
143
00:05:39,799 --> 00:05:40,932
Uh, yes, sir.
144
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,333
14?
Why so many?
145
00:05:42,402 --> 00:05:44,469
I've already admitted
that I broke your rule.
146
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:46,737
It's not my rule, Leslie.
147
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,607
It is an important rule
that exists in every government.
148
00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:51,008
Romantic relationships
149
00:05:51,075 --> 00:05:53,010
between superiors
and their employees
150
00:05:53,077 --> 00:05:55,413
lead to fraud, corruption,
and misuse of public funds.
151
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,847
And you think
I'm guilty of that?
152
00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:58,449
I think that you began
your relationship
153
00:05:58,517 --> 00:06:00,250
with Ben Wyatt
earlier than you're saying.
154
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,452
I believe that you certainly
received special treatment,
155
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,021
and I think that you may even
be guilty of bribery.
156
00:06:05,088 --> 00:06:06,623
None of those things
are true.
157
00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:09,426
And I will prove it,
Mr. Traeger.
158
00:06:09,493 --> 00:06:11,360
Okay, ten-minute break please.
159
00:06:11,429 --> 00:06:12,695
Here you go, boss.
160
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:15,632
Okay, guys, we need
to counter every charge
161
00:06:15,699 --> 00:06:17,466
that Chris has leveled
against me.
162
00:06:17,534 --> 00:06:19,100
- Andy, I need evidence.
- Got it!
163
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,936
Wait! You don't know
what evidence.
164
00:06:21,003 --> 00:06:22,404
Ah, right on. Yes.
Hit me.
165
00:06:22,472 --> 00:06:24,772
Next to my desk is a picture
of a female politician--
166
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:25,641
Bella Abzug.
167
00:06:25,708 --> 00:06:27,576
Get the key that's taped
to the back of that picture.
168
00:06:27,644 --> 00:06:28,911
It opens up
my bottom desk drawer
169
00:06:28,978 --> 00:06:30,646
in there are some files--
pay attention.
170
00:06:30,713 --> 00:06:32,213
Where are you looking?
Look here, focus here.
171
00:06:32,281 --> 00:06:33,682
Get the files in the drawer,
172
00:06:33,750 --> 00:06:35,283
and then get all the file boxes
in the office.
173
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:36,584
Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go.
174
00:06:36,652 --> 00:06:38,619
- No.
- Okay, I'll go with him.
175
00:06:38,687 --> 00:06:40,322
Thank you.
Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses.
176
00:06:40,389 --> 00:06:41,957
I need you to talk
to all the department heads
177
00:06:42,024 --> 00:06:43,325
and find out
who's gonna testify.
178
00:06:43,392 --> 00:06:45,460
I don't know the names
of the other department heads.
179
00:06:45,527 --> 00:06:47,562
I'll go with him. Seriously?
With the men in this office?
180
00:06:47,629 --> 00:06:48,063
- Ann?
- Yeah?
181
00:06:48,130 --> 00:06:49,664
I need you to text me
every 30 seconds
182
00:06:49,731 --> 00:06:51,599
- that everything's gonna be okay.
- Okay.
183
00:06:54,569 --> 00:06:57,271
Thanks, Ann!
184
00:06:57,339 --> 00:06:59,974
I broke one rule, and I will
accept a slap on the wrist.
185
00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:02,276
But when you sit back and let
your reputation be destroyed.
186
00:07:02,344 --> 00:07:06,946
You go down in history
as a frozen whore.
187
00:07:07,014 --> 00:07:08,314
I'm fighting.
188
00:07:09,014 --> 00:07:10,614
Hey, grab my computer.
I'm all set.
189
00:07:10,615 --> 00:07:13,044
- Great. You're up next.
- How is Ben? Is he sad?
190
00:07:13,111 --> 00:07:15,145
- You need to cheer him up, Ann.
- Ben is fine.
191
00:07:15,213 --> 00:07:16,880
He says he's sorry
he's not in here.
192
00:07:16,948 --> 00:07:18,716
He said to look
at the monster.
193
00:07:18,783 --> 00:07:20,384
I'm hoping you know
what that means.
194
00:07:20,452 --> 00:07:22,720
There's a rumor going around
that Chris has a killer witness.
195
00:07:22,787 --> 00:07:24,186
How? Why?
That makes no sense.
196
00:07:24,254 --> 00:07:25,521
There's no killer witness,
197
00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,022
because we didn't do
anything wrong--
198
00:07:27,090 --> 00:07:30,025
unless someone's planning
to lie or slander us.
199
00:07:30,093 --> 00:07:32,729
Okay, just to be safe, find out
who it is and silence him.
200
00:07:32,796 --> 00:07:35,097
- With pleasure.
- Wait. Let me make it clear.
201
00:07:35,165 --> 00:07:39,368
Don't silence him.
Just make sure he can't talk.
202
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,202
Okay, we're back.
203
00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:42,704
Clear this chamber, please.
204
00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:44,973
Ms. Perkins,
Chris Traeger has questioned
205
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,775
when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt began.
206
00:07:47,144 --> 00:07:49,080
I'd like to direct you
to your inbox
207
00:07:49,144 --> 00:07:51,680
and specifically an
email entitled "yay".
208
00:07:51,748 --> 00:07:55,816
That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s
and 44 exclamation points.
209
00:07:55,884 --> 00:07:58,819
Yes, it is an email
from you.
210
00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:00,254
Oh, and there's an attachment.
211
00:08:00,321 --> 00:08:02,189
Mm.
Intriguing.
212
00:08:02,957 --> 00:08:04,825
Could you play
the attachment, please?
213
00:08:04,893 --> 00:08:06,994
Sure.
214
00:08:07,061 --> 00:08:09,162
In a world on the brink
215
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:12,732
of financial meltdown...
216
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:17,003
In a town
unlike any other...
217
00:08:17,070 --> 00:08:21,574
An adorable man
with a cute face
218
00:08:21,642 --> 00:08:26,145
and the future president
of the United States--
219
00:08:26,213 --> 00:08:27,346
what?--
220
00:08:27,414 --> 00:08:29,915
went from being friends
221
00:08:29,982 --> 00:08:35,987
to being so much more.
222
00:08:36,055 --> 00:08:39,625
Ann! Ben and I hooked up
last night! Aah!
223
00:08:39,692 --> 00:08:41,560
And I learned
how to use iMovie.
224
00:08:41,628 --> 00:08:44,429
Call me later! Bye!
225
00:08:44,496 --> 00:08:46,831
So what was the date
you received that email?
226
00:08:46,899 --> 00:08:49,801
- Uh, May 12th.
- May 12th...
227
00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:52,837
The day after we returned
from Indianapolis.
228
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:56,507
Mr. Haverford,
229
00:08:56,575 --> 00:08:59,143
would you consider
Leslie Knope a good employee?
230
00:08:59,210 --> 00:09:01,611
Did Tom Ford turn around
the House of Gucci?
231
00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:03,780
I do not know, but I'll
assume that that is a yes.
232
00:09:03,848 --> 00:09:04,948
How long were you two lovers?
233
00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:06,483
- Excuse me?
- Oh, God.
234
00:09:06,551 --> 00:09:08,819
Last march, I witnessed
235
00:09:08,886 --> 00:09:11,488
Leslie Knope
and Tom Haverford
236
00:09:11,556 --> 00:09:14,825
engaged in a passionate
yet tender kiss.
237
00:09:14,892 --> 00:09:17,660
It seems that Ms. Knope
has a pattern
238
00:09:17,727 --> 00:09:19,929
of becoming involved
with her co-workers.
239
00:09:19,996 --> 00:09:22,164
Tom, will you please tell
the committee
240
00:09:22,231 --> 00:09:23,766
why we were kissing?
241
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:27,436
An online dating site
randomly paired us up.
242
00:09:27,504 --> 00:09:29,672
So, as a joke,
I thought it would be funny
243
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:32,507
to pretend
you and I were dating.
244
00:09:32,575 --> 00:09:35,443
And then you kissed me
as a joke...
245
00:09:35,511 --> 00:09:36,845
To shut me up.
246
00:09:36,912 --> 00:09:39,714
But we never had any other
romantic contact after that.
247
00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:42,951
No, that would be like dating
my older sister's elderly aunt.
248
00:09:43,018 --> 00:09:45,052
No, it wouldn't.
249
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,754
Well, we've been at it
for hours.
250
00:09:46,822 --> 00:09:49,055
And I did have some problem
with my character witnesses.
251
00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:50,691
I don't know why
Leslie Knope's on trial.
252
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,559
Ethel Beavers did it!
253
00:09:52,627 --> 00:09:54,327
- Beavers did it!
- Sit down.
254
00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:56,830
I will hold myself
in contempt of the court!
255
00:09:56,898 --> 00:09:58,699
Is this about the laptop?
I didn't mean to steal it.
256
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,533
I took it home, and I spaced.
I forgot.
257
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,602
I'm gonna bring it back.
258
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:04,470
It totally works, but I got
spaghetti in the keyboard.
259
00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:06,206
What laptop?
260
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:08,708
Objection.
261
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,544
But other than that,
I think I'm winning.
262
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,946
I've refuted every one
of Chris' claims so far.
263
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:17,917
I have here a receipt
from Pawnee Supersuites Motel.
264
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,586
Leslie Knope submitted
that receipt for reimbursement.
265
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:25,557
Taxpayers' money is not meant
to be spent on a romantic getaway.
266
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,693
Donna, will you please
describe what we were wearing
267
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,595
the evening you saw us?
268
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:33,197
Um, khakis
and button-down shirts--
269
00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:34,733
your basic
white people clothes.
270
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,734
And when you walked into
the room, what did it look like?
271
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,002
Did it look like anything
romantic had happened?
272
00:10:38,069 --> 00:10:39,102
Oh, hell, no.
273
00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:42,039
I have ruined my share
of hotel rooms,
274
00:10:42,106 --> 00:10:44,307
and trust me, nothing sexual
happened in that room.
275
00:10:44,375 --> 00:10:46,076
It kind of looked
like an office.
276
00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:47,945
Maybe because
it was an office.
277
00:10:48,013 --> 00:10:50,714
City Hall
was being fumigated,
278
00:10:50,782 --> 00:10:52,615
and we need to pull
an all-nighter.
279
00:10:52,683 --> 00:10:54,884
The only thing
that was ravaged
280
00:10:54,952 --> 00:10:57,587
were these
federal grant proposals
281
00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:59,789
that Donna had dropped off
earlier.
282
00:10:59,857 --> 00:11:02,091
I've seen over 200 episodes
of Law & Order,
283
00:11:02,159 --> 00:11:03,927
and it's paying off big-time.
284
00:11:03,994 --> 00:11:07,796
And by the way,
we got the gramps--
285
00:11:07,864 --> 00:11:10,032
grants.
God! Oh.
286
00:11:10,099 --> 00:11:12,133
It was gonna be
such an awesome moment.
287
00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:14,871
So, Ethel, you've been to a
million of these ethics trials.
288
00:11:14,939 --> 00:11:18,974
- What do you think my chances are?
- I'd say it's 50/50.
289
00:11:19,042 --> 00:11:22,410
You want to put money on it,
I'll give you 60/40 against.
290
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:24,312
Is it ethical
for a court stenographer
291
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:25,813
to bet on the outcome
of a hearing?
292
00:11:25,881 --> 00:11:27,215
You tell me.
293
00:11:27,283 --> 00:11:28,916
You're the one on trial.
294
00:11:28,984 --> 00:11:32,954
Ron Swanson
to the stand, please.
295
00:11:33,021 --> 00:11:35,290
Mr. Swanson,
there has been a question posed
296
00:11:35,357 --> 00:11:37,559
about when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt ended.
297
00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:39,160
Can you confirm
that you own a cabin
298
00:11:39,228 --> 00:11:41,495
- at 930--
- Ah!
299
00:11:41,563 --> 00:11:42,963
Stop, please.
300
00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:44,965
I don't like to give out
my address to anyone,
301
00:11:45,032 --> 00:11:47,134
much less have it
on an official record.
302
00:11:47,202 --> 00:11:49,236
Ron, don't be ridiculous.
This is very important.
303
00:11:49,304 --> 00:11:51,671
- Do you own a cabin--
- Ah!
304
00:11:51,739 --> 00:11:54,007
9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
305
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:56,242
- 9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
- Beep!
306
00:11:56,310 --> 00:11:57,810
I didn't hear that.
307
00:11:57,877 --> 00:12:00,346
9301 Cedarcrest Drive!
308
00:12:04,918 --> 00:12:06,852
She's here.
309
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,020
Who's here?
310
00:12:08,088 --> 00:12:10,523
My ex-wife--Tammy two.
311
00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:13,191
I can smell the sulfur
coming off her cloven hooves.
312
00:12:13,259 --> 00:12:15,293
Good nose, Ron.
Tammy Swanson is here.
313
00:12:15,361 --> 00:12:16,628
She'll be my next witness.
314
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,030
Tammy two is
your killer witness?
315
00:12:19,098 --> 00:12:20,865
Please! You're gonna have
to do better--
316
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:22,700
Actually, she is
a terrifying sociopath
317
00:12:22,768 --> 00:12:24,836
who could say or do anything--
318
00:12:25,903 --> 00:12:27,038
A pretty good killer witness.
319
00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:29,873
Ms. Swanson, do you,
as you claimed,
320
00:12:29,941 --> 00:12:31,609
have evidence linking
321
00:12:31,676 --> 00:12:33,611
Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt
to law breaking?
322
00:12:33,678 --> 00:12:34,612
Absolutely.
323
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,013
I have several photographs
324
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,881
that will definitively prove--
325
00:12:37,949 --> 00:12:39,550
May I remind you
that you are under oath,
326
00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:41,685
and if you lie, I will fire you
and have you prosecuted.
327
00:12:41,753 --> 00:12:42,886
Nothing.
328
00:12:42,954 --> 00:12:44,987
They will definitively
prove nothing.
329
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:46,456
You cut me off.
330
00:12:46,524 --> 00:12:48,358
I don't have any evidence.
331
00:12:48,425 --> 00:12:50,059
Oh, Chris-- so silly.
332
00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:51,394
Okay, bye, guys.
333
00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:53,229
Leslie, have fun
with this trial.
334
00:12:53,297 --> 00:12:55,831
Yay!
335
00:12:55,899 --> 00:12:59,902
I think I've proven that
the only rule Ben and I broke
336
00:12:59,970 --> 00:13:01,970
was dating each other.
337
00:13:02,038 --> 00:13:04,373
And I am very happy
that I have not uncovered
338
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,642
any additional evidence
of unethical behavior.
339
00:13:06,709 --> 00:13:08,310
But I-I do have
one last witness--
340
00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:10,345
George Williams
from Public Works.
341
00:13:10,413 --> 00:13:14,816
George Williams?
Who's--
342
00:13:14,884 --> 00:13:16,417
Oh, George Williams--
343
00:13:16,485 --> 00:13:19,320
He's just a maintenance worker,
NASCAR enthusiast, I believe.
344
00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:21,021
And, oh, interesting tidbit--
345
00:13:21,089 --> 00:13:24,592
I once bribed him to keep
my relationship with Ben quiet.
346
00:13:26,124 --> 00:13:29,553
You're saying that you saw
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
347
00:13:29,554 --> 00:13:31,255
kissing at Li'l Sebastian's
memorial?
348
00:13:31,323 --> 00:13:32,589
Yeah!
349
00:13:32,657 --> 00:13:35,459
Can you identify Leslie Knope
in this chamber?
350
00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:37,928
- She's right there.
- Right--
351
00:13:38,396 --> 00:13:41,031
And what happened
after this incident?
352
00:13:41,098 --> 00:13:42,598
Well, I got real nervous.
353
00:13:42,666 --> 00:13:45,200
They came up to me, and they
told me to forget what I saw.
354
00:13:45,268 --> 00:13:48,237
What you saw was not
what you think it is.
355
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,640
I have a gift certificate,
actually, for you.
356
00:13:50,707 --> 00:13:52,107
Oh, my God.
357
00:13:52,175 --> 00:13:54,276
And then they gave me
a $50 gift certificate
358
00:13:54,344 --> 00:13:55,545
to a spa and said...
359
00:13:55,612 --> 00:13:58,780
And thank you
for your discretion.
360
00:13:58,848 --> 00:14:00,549
- And did you use it?
- Yeah.
361
00:14:00,616 --> 00:14:01,950
I got a facial.
362
00:14:02,017 --> 00:14:04,319
My wife said my skin
was luminous.
363
00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:05,587
That's enough.
364
00:14:05,655 --> 00:14:07,088
Now, in order to cover up
their illicit affair,
365
00:14:07,156 --> 00:14:10,659
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
bribed a city employee.
366
00:14:10,726 --> 00:14:12,494
George, I notice
that you're wearing glasses,
367
00:14:12,562 --> 00:14:14,362
yet on the day in question,
368
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,163
I don't recall you
wearing glasses.
369
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,732
Could it be because
you weren't wearing glasses?
370
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,100
I never wear 'em
on the job.
371
00:14:20,168 --> 00:14:22,402
Can you take
your glasses off, please,
372
00:14:22,471 --> 00:14:23,904
and read this for us?
373
00:14:23,972 --> 00:14:26,874
"I could read this
if I weren't so blind."
374
00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:28,609
Well, that went terribly.
375
00:14:28,677 --> 00:14:31,077
I need to check
some facts and figures.
376
00:14:31,144 --> 00:14:32,846
I would like to request
a 55-day recess.
377
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,614
You can have 30 minutes,
378
00:14:34,682 --> 00:14:38,184
but we're nearing
the end here, Ms. Knope.
379
00:14:38,251 --> 00:14:40,854
Okay, guys, my only hope is
that in one of these old books,
380
00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,589
there's some weird, arcane
statute or government rule
381
00:14:42,656 --> 00:14:43,923
that helps me.
382
00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:47,459
So everybody grab a volume,
and let's just read up.
383
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:49,761
Okay, mine doesn't have
any pictures.
384
00:14:50,329 --> 00:14:53,866
Does anyone have anything?
Did anybody find anything good?
385
00:14:53,933 --> 00:14:57,769
In 1856, the city council
banned all sexual positions
386
00:14:57,837 --> 00:14:59,771
except for missionary.
387
00:14:59,839 --> 00:15:02,240
And two years later,
they banned missionary.
388
00:15:02,308 --> 00:15:04,942
1882, should a presbyterian
speak out of turn,
389
00:15:05,010 --> 00:15:06,711
he may be caned
across the shinbone.
390
00:15:06,778 --> 00:15:08,078
Oh, my God.
391
00:15:08,146 --> 00:15:10,748
Black people still can't legally
use city sidewalks.
392
00:15:10,816 --> 00:15:12,984
Look, I know we're not
supposed to be seen together,
393
00:15:13,051 --> 00:15:14,852
but I think Ben could be
really helpful with this.
394
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,287
- Can somebody go get him?
- All right, I'll go.
395
00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:20,423
"Any woman caught laughing
is a witch."
396
00:15:20,491 --> 00:15:22,191
That's true.
397
00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:23,660
Um, he's not there.
398
00:15:23,728 --> 00:15:26,162
No, he said he'd just be
on the other side of that wall.
399
00:15:26,230 --> 00:15:28,665
- He's probably in the bathroom.
- All right, I'll find him.
400
00:15:36,372 --> 00:15:39,975
This mural is called
Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.
401
00:15:40,043 --> 00:15:41,510
All the terrible things
that have happened
402
00:15:41,578 --> 00:15:43,746
in this town's history
are on one side.
403
00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:46,048
And on the other side
are all the good things
404
00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:47,616
that have happened.
405
00:15:47,684 --> 00:15:49,251
I'm on the bad side.
406
00:15:49,318 --> 00:15:51,318
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am, Ron.
407
00:15:51,386 --> 00:15:53,555
I'm guilty.
I did something bad.
408
00:15:53,622 --> 00:15:56,090
I'm a bad person.
409
00:15:56,158 --> 00:15:58,760
It's not that simple.
410
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:02,096
You know what makes
a good person good?
411
00:16:02,164 --> 00:16:04,265
When a good person
does something bad,
412
00:16:04,332 --> 00:16:06,267
they own up to it.
413
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:10,303
They try to learn something
from it, and they move on.
414
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,775
Guys, everybody stop reading--
415
00:16:14,842 --> 00:16:16,677
no more loopholes,
no more fighting.
416
00:16:16,744 --> 00:16:17,844
Are you sure, boss?
417
00:16:17,912 --> 00:16:19,613
Yeah.
I know I let you down.
418
00:16:19,681 --> 00:16:21,715
And I just want to say
I'm really sorry.
419
00:16:21,783 --> 00:16:23,282
Leslie, what are you
talking about?
420
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,750
Yeah, this makes me
like you more.
421
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,053
Bribing someone to hide
a sexcapade--
422
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,420
I'm proud
to call you a friend.
423
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,089
And I always liked you.
424
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,157
Okay, we're back.
425
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,860
Clear the chamber, please.
426
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:38,763
I think I'm about
to get fired, Ron.
427
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,666
Ms. Knope, unless you have
any objections,
428
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,401
we'll be ending
this investigation
429
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:46,071
and moving on
to the punishment phase.
430
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,239
I have no objections.
431
00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:51,409
We hereby hand down
the following judgment.
432
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,412
You will be suspended
for two weeks with pay.
433
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,180
- Just two weeks?
- Correct.
434
00:16:57,248 --> 00:16:59,850
This concludes
the investigation.
435
00:17:02,153 --> 00:17:04,254
I thought
I was gonna get fired.
436
00:17:04,322 --> 00:17:06,556
I should've gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired?
437
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:10,594
Ben asked for a private
meeting with the committee,
438
00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:13,763
and he took full responsibility
for the bribe
439
00:17:13,831 --> 00:17:15,932
and resigned,
effective immediately.
440
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,266
What?
Wait. Hang on.
441
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,102
You can't let him resign.
442
00:17:19,169 --> 00:17:20,937
I tried to talk him
out of it, but...
443
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:24,073
His mind was made up.
444
00:17:24,141 --> 00:17:26,408
Look, my job is to protect
the government
445
00:17:26,476 --> 00:17:29,410
from fraud and corruption.
446
00:17:29,478 --> 00:17:31,546
I was just doing my job.
447
00:17:31,614 --> 00:17:33,949
I hope that
you can understand that.
448
00:17:34,017 --> 00:17:35,483
I do.
449
00:17:35,551 --> 00:17:36,818
Honestly, I do.
450
00:17:36,886 --> 00:17:38,820
'Cause your actions
wounded me to my core,
451
00:17:38,888 --> 00:17:40,956
which is not easy
since the bulk of my workouts
452
00:17:41,024 --> 00:17:43,891
are focused
on core strengthening.
453
00:17:43,959 --> 00:17:46,727
But we will get through this.
You are...
454
00:17:46,795 --> 00:17:48,595
An excellent
government employee.
455
00:17:48,664 --> 00:17:50,397
And more importantly,
456
00:17:50,465 --> 00:17:52,232
you're the only person
I've ever met who's worthy
457
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:54,902
of being Ben's girlfriend.
458
00:17:54,970 --> 00:17:56,671
I hope that's true.
459
00:17:59,674 --> 00:18:02,175
You know, the meeting
that Ben and I had--
460
00:18:02,242 --> 00:18:04,077
it's on the record.
461
00:18:04,145 --> 00:18:06,979
You should take a look at the
last page of the transcript.
462
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:13,386
"Mr. Wyatt:
Chris, for God's sake,
463
00:18:13,453 --> 00:18:15,654
"would you mind not jumping
for a while?"
464
00:18:15,722 --> 00:18:17,289
Mr. Traeger:
"Sorry, Ben, but"...
465
00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:19,892
This is how
I fight depression.
466
00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:21,160
Okay, fine.
I'll stop.
467
00:18:21,227 --> 00:18:22,795
Thank you.
468
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:25,764
Okay, so you are prepared
469
00:18:25,832 --> 00:18:28,567
to resign,
effective immediately,
470
00:18:28,634 --> 00:18:31,335
and take full responsibility
for all the events
471
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:34,038
that transpired
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.
472
00:18:34,106 --> 00:18:36,273
- "Mr. Wyatt: That is correct."
- That is correct.
473
00:18:36,341 --> 00:18:37,942
"Mr. Traeger:
Okay, fine.
474
00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:40,411
"This makes me sadder
than I previously thought
475
00:18:40,478 --> 00:18:43,347
"humanly possible,
but I accept your resignation.
476
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:45,649
Can I ask you
one more question?"
477
00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:49,152
Was all of this--
all the sneaking around,
478
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:51,354
the scandal,
losing your job--
479
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,223
Was it worth it?
480
00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:55,158
Yes.
481
00:18:55,226 --> 00:18:56,960
It was.
482
00:18:57,028 --> 00:18:59,229
"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her.
483
00:18:59,296 --> 00:19:00,731
"And I don't want to hide
484
00:19:00,798 --> 00:19:03,332
"the way I feel
about her anymore.
485
00:19:03,399 --> 00:19:04,666
"So, yeah, it was worth it,
486
00:19:04,735 --> 00:19:06,969
"because I'm in love
with Leslie Knope.
487
00:19:07,037 --> 00:19:09,338
"Mr. Traeger:
That was beautiful.
488
00:19:09,405 --> 00:19:11,640
"I'm literally crying
and jumping.
489
00:19:11,708 --> 00:19:15,077
"Crying noise,
crying noise, nose blow.
490
00:19:15,145 --> 00:19:17,012
"Mr. Wyatt:
It's gonna be okay.
491
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,214
Mr. Traeger:..."
492
00:19:18,281 --> 00:19:21,249
Oh.
493
00:19:23,485 --> 00:19:26,054
Let it out, I guess.
494
00:19:26,122 --> 00:19:27,822
"End transcript."
495
00:19:33,829 --> 00:19:35,395
Hi, honey,
how was your day?
496
00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:38,431
Oh, I've had better.
497
00:19:38,499 --> 00:19:39,933
How about you?
498
00:19:40,001 --> 00:19:42,469
I can't believe
you did that for me.
499
00:19:42,536 --> 00:19:43,871
Well, I was pretty sure
500
00:19:43,938 --> 00:19:46,373
it was gonna happen
one way or the other.
501
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,375
I hope it doesn't affect
your campaign.
502
00:19:48,442 --> 00:19:50,144
Don't worry about that
right now.
503
00:19:50,211 --> 00:19:53,146
There was a piece of testimony
that came out during the trial
504
00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:56,615
that I think
you'd be interested in.
505
00:19:56,683 --> 00:19:59,852
Ethel?
506
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,922
Ethel, could you please read
page 132
507
00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:06,958
of the official testimony?
508
00:20:07,026 --> 00:20:09,727
"Ethel Beavers:
The official record
509
00:20:09,796 --> 00:20:12,697
"has now annoyingly
been reopened
510
00:20:12,765 --> 00:20:15,466
"so that Leslie Knope
can make a statement.
511
00:20:15,534 --> 00:20:20,138
"Leslie Knope: Let the record
state that I, Leslie Knope,
512
00:20:20,206 --> 00:20:21,773
"love Ben Wyatt.
513
00:20:21,841 --> 00:20:24,141
"I love him
with all of my heart.
514
00:20:24,209 --> 00:20:25,376
"Did you get that?
515
00:20:25,444 --> 00:20:28,646
Ethel Beavers:
Yes, I got it."
516
00:20:28,714 --> 00:20:31,382
Thank you, Ethel.
517
00:20:34,386 --> 00:20:37,522
Can I get a ride home?
It's freezing.
518
00:20:38,929 --> 00:20:41,998
Can you please state your name
for the committee?
519
00:20:43,065 --> 00:20:45,700
- Gary Gergich.
- Oh, God, Jerry.
520
00:20:45,768 --> 00:20:47,534
You can't even get
your own name right.
521
00:20:47,602 --> 00:20:50,004
Actually,
my real name is Gary.
522
00:20:50,571 --> 00:20:51,171
Gary?
523
00:20:51,239 --> 00:20:52,673
On my first day here,
the old director--
524
00:20:52,741 --> 00:20:53,907
he called me Jerry,
525
00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:55,809
and I just didn't think
I should correct him.
526
00:20:55,877 --> 00:20:57,745
That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.
527
00:20:57,812 --> 00:20:58,812
No.
528
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,981
Legally my name is Gary.
529
00:21:01,049 --> 00:21:03,182
Gary Gergich?
530
00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:04,651
Jerry Gergich.
531
00:21:04,718 --> 00:21:06,853
Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.
532
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,955
Gary Gergich. Jerry--
God, they're both horrible.
533
00:21:09,023 --> 00:21:12,025
But Jerry's better.
I'm gonna call you Jerry.
534
00:21:12,092 --> 00:21:16,696
Okay, Jerry, do you remember
a time...
535
00:21:18,265 --> 00:21:20,032
I'm sorry. I can't get
over the Gary/Jerry thing.
536
00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:21,366
Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.
537
00:21:21,433 --> 00:21:22,668
We need a five-minute break.
538
00:21:22,939 --> 00:21:27,976
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com