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Welcome to Animal Control.
Let me show you around.
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Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or opossum.
3
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Oh, this is a napkin
where I wrote down
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a cool name for a dog.
"Bark Obama."
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[Laughs]
Right?
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Is that--
what's happening here?
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Oh. Yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.
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We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,
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like in the beginning
of The Flintstones.
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Tougher than it looked, though.
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We have a massive pest problem
in this town,
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and it's because
the Animal Control Department
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has been disaster...
at catching animals.
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They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.
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This place
is a miserable suck hole
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run by two pot-head
losers.
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It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.
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Thanks!
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It does seem to be
very poorly run,
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but we've only been here
for two minutes.
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There may be a method
to their madness.
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There's more than one way
to skin a cat.
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Four. There's four ways
to skin a cat. Regular blade--
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[Screams] Ow!
Ah! What is this?
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- Coyote trap, dude.
- Ah! This hurts!
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Yeah, we got, like,
a huge vermin problem.
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I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,
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but you know,
nobody get on the phone.
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You're the people
you would be calling.
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[Laughs] That is so trippy.
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Ow! You're fired!
You're fired!
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The whole department is fired.
33
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Ow, this hurts!
This was one of my running feet!
34
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- Yo, let's go to Jamaica.
- No, we should go to Jamaica.
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Oh, is that what you said?
[Laughs]
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- Yeah, dog.
Both: [Laugh]
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[Triumphant music]
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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[Knocking at the door]
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[Door opening]
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Ron, you've been sweating
in here all day.
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Are you drinking any fluids?
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Yes, plenty.
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No, you need to drink water.
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Usually, I take it neat,
46
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but I will make an exception
in the name of health.
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Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls
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in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.
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The children were sniffling,
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which I believed to be due
to the sad nature of the film.
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I was wrong.
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You need to take off
those layers,
53
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rehydrate,
and go to the doctor.
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Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.
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Please turn the thermostat
up to 90 and leave me alone.
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Ron, this isn't safe.
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I am a grown man.
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I have had a cold before,
I need no help,
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so if you don't mind--
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That seems about right.
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Okay, pop quiz.
Name the scent.
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Uh, "Spasm."
No, "Butter Face"!
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- Very good!
- Yes!
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I'm trying to get
more big companies
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to donate
to the Sweetums Foundation,
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and tom got us a meeting
with Dennis Feinstein,
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Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and cologne.
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[Blows air] Oh!
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Or possibly, insecticide.
Whew!
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Dennis Feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth--
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rappers, tech geniuses,
X games medallists,
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and of course,
"scent artists."
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The man owns a Rolexus.
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It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.
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What's the point of that?
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To have it, which he does.
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Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.
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Tom will flatter and schmooze
as only tom can.
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Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,
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so you just watch and listen.
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I had to pull a lot of strings
to get this meeting,
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so please, no one embarrass me.
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Ben, put on something decent,
like a tux.
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Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.
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I already took what I call
a "dwyer shower."
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I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.
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New car.
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Animal control
has long been a repository
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for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.
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Jerry Gergich
got his start there.
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- Well.
- All right, well.
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Yeah, so our new director
needs to be competent,
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effective, and not completely
stoned all the time.
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I'm way ahead of you
there, girly.
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I got the perfect guy.
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Friend of mine,
bit of an alcoholic,
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a little grabby, either
a war hero or war criminal,
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depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.
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- How do you know him?
- I do his teeth.
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A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.
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Gosh, Jeremy,
he sounds perfect.
102
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- Are his gums great too?
- Oh, yeah.
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They are excellent, beet red.
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I was being sarcastic.
105
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I think we should open this
to the floor
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- for more discussion.
- Uh, maybe you would like
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to explain this to her,
please? [Chuckles]
108
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Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just
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kind of take turns
on departmental appointments.
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Yeah, this one is mine,
then Dexhart, then you.
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This whole place runs on dibs.
[Laughs]
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Are you kidding me?
You guys are all fine with this?
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Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?
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This is how departments
get mismanaged.
115
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No. We are going to be
thorough.
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I'm going to find a candidate,
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and I encourage you all
to do the same,
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and then, we will interview
all of them.
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[Singsong] Boring!
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"Boring"
is my middle name, so...
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my thoroughly vetted candidate
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is going to blow your candidate
out of the water.
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Oh, I guess I'm leaving.
Good to see you. Great meeting!
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I'd like to object again
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00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,709
to being brought here
against my will.
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Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.
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Ron! You redacted
all the information.
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- I answered some of them.
- For "date of birth,"
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you wrote "springtime."
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- Which is true.
- Everything you write down
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is confidential.
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We need you
to give real answers.
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Fine.
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How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?
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- One.
- That's it, one drink?
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One shelf.
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- Do you exercise?
- Yes.
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Lovemaking and woodworking.
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Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?
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I have an uncle who does yoga.
141
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,874
- Allergies?
- Cowardice and weak-willed men.
142
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And hazelnuts.
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Sexual history.
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Epic and private.
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Okay. I'm gonna go
get your doctor.
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He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.
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I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.
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I don't like charity.
I don't get it.
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Feels to me like
I'm giving money away,
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and getting nothing in return.
151
00:05:43,728 --> 00:05:44,894
Well, that's not true.
152
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,546
You can really help
your personal brand
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00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,949
if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.
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If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.
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Ay yi yi.
[Laughs]
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That's how much I'm worth,
20...million...dollars.
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[Laughs]
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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[Laughs]
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Ah, he's disgusting,
but I want to take his money
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00:06:04,181 --> 00:06:05,432
and give it to needy people,
161
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so I'm just gonna
keep on smiling. Yay!
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[Forced laugh]
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People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.
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- Huh.
- Like Bill Gates.
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Have you ever
heard of Bill Gates?
166
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He lives in Seattle,
guy with glasses.
167
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Bill Gates?
168
00:06:21,899 --> 00:06:23,616
I know who Bill Gates is.
169
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,085
Bill Gates is, like,
a super nerd.
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00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:27,904
Is this some sort of nerd thing?
Are you calling me a nerd?
171
00:06:27,938 --> 00:06:29,772
Uh, he meant Mark Cuban.
172
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Cuban?
Now, that's the kind of guy
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00:06:32,376 --> 00:06:33,793
I can hang out with--
Mark Cuban.
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00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:35,161
- Yeah.
- I'm interested now.
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Keep talking.
176
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Stay still.
177
00:06:38,215 --> 00:06:40,366
"Don't think about
how much this itches."
178
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That's very good advice.
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I have to say, this is
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the greatest search committee
ever assembled
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to find a new Animal Control
Department head.
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00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,208
Chris Traeger can do more
with one foot
183
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,492
than most people can do
with three.
184
00:06:49,527 --> 00:06:51,427
I'm not going to lie to you.
I needed that.
185
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,529
I know.
186
00:06:52,563 --> 00:06:54,247
- April Ludgate is beautiful...
- Stop.
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00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,715
- You are talented...
- No.
188
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,650
But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.
189
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,953
That's true.
It's because I'm half wolf.
190
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,005
Okay, Donna, you took
a look at all the resumes,
191
00:07:02,039 --> 00:07:03,439
so send in the best candidate.
192
00:07:03,474 --> 00:07:06,442
Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.
193
00:07:06,476 --> 00:07:09,395
I have my cousin Jason's truck
for two more weeks.
194
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,014
I have one testicle--
whac-a-mole accident--
195
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,983
and I'm down to clown.
196
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:17,704
Harris, we know who you are.
I literally just fired you.
197
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:21,825
[Laughs] Oh, is this that job?
That's crazy! Never mind.
198
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,244
Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?
199
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,229
'Cause he's one
of only two applicants
200
00:07:26,247 --> 00:07:28,248
with actual experience
at animal control.
201
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,415
Uh-ohh.
Does that mean--
202
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:32,001
What up?
Yo, my name is Brett.
203
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:35,738
I like burgers, and also,
I'm very high right now.
204
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,741
- Dude, this is hilarious!
- Oh, yo!
205
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,210
[Both laugh]
206
00:07:40,244 --> 00:07:42,745
- We live together! [Laughs]
- Yo, we live in the same place!
207
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:46,683
- This is my boy! [Laughs]
- Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"!
208
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:48,935
You guys know why there are
all those cops out there?
209
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,553
Where are the cops at?
210
00:07:50,587 --> 00:07:52,772
- I gotta go.
- Yo.
211
00:07:56,193 --> 00:07:58,587
A lot of charities waste their money
on overhead,
212
00:07:58,707 --> 00:08:00,182
but we at the Sweetums Foundation,
213
00:08:00,302 --> 00:08:01,919
- spend our money wisely.
- Okay.
214
00:08:01,954 --> 00:08:03,838
- You know what? Shut up.
- All right.
215
00:08:03,872 --> 00:08:05,289
You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes
216
00:08:05,324 --> 00:08:07,842
and I'm feeling pretty generous,
so why don't we
217
00:08:07,876 --> 00:08:10,277
take this conversation
to the Pawnee Smokehouse?
218
00:08:10,295 --> 00:08:11,596
Dumb-Dumb Eddie,
get the checkbook.
219
00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:12,880
We're going out.
220
00:08:12,898 --> 00:08:14,248
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
221
00:08:14,283 --> 00:08:15,616
Guys, we're going out.
Let's scent up!
222
00:08:15,651 --> 00:08:17,752
I call dibs on "Ooze."
223
00:08:17,786 --> 00:08:20,037
- I got "Money Shot."
- Yeah.
224
00:08:20,072 --> 00:08:21,072
I got "Blood Spurt."
225
00:08:21,106 --> 00:08:22,289
Ooh, no, don't use that one.
226
00:08:22,307 --> 00:08:23,925
Eh, go ahead.
227
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:26,127
So why do you want this job?
228
00:08:26,145 --> 00:08:29,881
Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.
229
00:08:29,915 --> 00:08:31,732
Well, you have
all the qualifications.
230
00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:33,217
You went
to a four-year college.
231
00:08:33,268 --> 00:08:35,319
Actually, when I went there,
it was just a two-year college.
232
00:08:35,370 --> 00:08:37,555
Wow, so you're not even
technically qualified
233
00:08:37,589 --> 00:08:39,590
to work at your current job.
234
00:08:39,625 --> 00:08:40,958
Aw, geez.
235
00:08:40,993 --> 00:08:42,827
- You're fired. Get out.
- No, no, you're not fired,
236
00:08:42,861 --> 00:08:44,912
but we're definitely going to
have to lower your salary.
237
00:08:44,930 --> 00:08:46,697
Oh, well, fair's fair.
[Laughs]
238
00:08:46,732 --> 00:08:51,235
I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.
239
00:08:51,286 --> 00:08:53,337
This may not be
the job for you.
240
00:08:53,388 --> 00:08:55,573
I know, but my therapist,
Dr. Richard Nygard,
241
00:08:55,607 --> 00:08:56,958
told me to confront my fears.
242
00:08:56,992 --> 00:09:00,111
You see Dr. Richard Nygard?
I'm a Nygardian too!
243
00:09:00,145 --> 00:09:02,130
Would you sign my cast?
244
00:09:02,164 --> 00:09:03,714
Yes, but just please
don't give me this job.
245
00:09:03,749 --> 00:09:05,733
The spaying
and neutering tools,
246
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:07,435
do you think those fit humans?
247
00:09:07,469 --> 00:09:09,320
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- And is there a lock
248
00:09:09,354 --> 00:09:10,304
on the spaying room door?
249
00:09:10,339 --> 00:09:11,405
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
250
00:09:11,423 --> 00:09:12,757
Thank you so much
for coming in.
251
00:09:12,791 --> 00:09:14,525
- Thanks for having me.
- Okay.
252
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,728
Hello, Orin. Thank you so much
for applying, now leave.
253
00:09:17,763 --> 00:09:19,263
Hey, give him a chance.
254
00:09:19,298 --> 00:09:21,265
What makes you qualified
for animal control?
255
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,818
I studied zoology in college,
256
00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:26,771
and I can control animals
with my mind.
257
00:09:26,805 --> 00:09:30,758
- Get out.
- I made you say that.
258
00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:33,127
I liked him.
259
00:09:33,162 --> 00:09:34,428
[Sighs] Well, that was
260
00:09:34,463 --> 00:09:36,564
a truly depressing
slate of candidates.
261
00:09:36,598 --> 00:09:38,199
I think you've got
several options.
262
00:09:38,233 --> 00:09:40,418
They're all terrible,
but you have them.
263
00:09:40,452 --> 00:09:43,070
Before you begin,
a few ground rules.
264
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:45,189
I need you to explain
everything you do
265
00:09:45,224 --> 00:09:47,208
before you do it,
so I can determine
266
00:09:47,242 --> 00:09:48,376
whether I will allow you--
267
00:09:48,410 --> 00:09:49,310
Oh!
268
00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:51,863
Ugh!
269
00:09:51,897 --> 00:09:54,832
Balsa wood?
You could at least use mahogany.
270
00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,768
[Giggles]
271
00:09:57,803 --> 00:09:59,437
[Giggles loudly]
272
00:09:59,488 --> 00:10:01,706
There's something
occluding your ear.
273
00:10:01,757 --> 00:10:03,591
It's sawdust.
Just blow.
274
00:10:04,726 --> 00:10:06,794
- Oh.
- You've got strep throat.
275
00:10:06,828 --> 00:10:09,347
I'm writing you
a prescription for penicillin.
276
00:10:09,398 --> 00:10:10,765
We'll have the rest
of your test results
277
00:10:10,799 --> 00:10:12,233
in about 20 minutes.
Cholesterol--
278
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:15,136
Not interested.
Good day.
279
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,541
Wish all patients
were like that.
280
00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:23,044
It's really annoying
when they ask questions.
281
00:10:23,078 --> 00:10:24,345
You know,
282
00:10:24,379 --> 00:10:25,947
they claim that smoking
is bad for you,
283
00:10:25,981 --> 00:10:27,932
but is there
any medical evidence
284
00:10:27,966 --> 00:10:29,483
to back that up?
285
00:10:29,518 --> 00:10:32,019
- Great point.
- So the Sweetums Foundation
286
00:10:32,037 --> 00:10:33,654
has really accomplished
a lot recently.
287
00:10:33,689 --> 00:10:35,556
Our health care
outreach program
288
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,408
has reduced pink eye
in the rural community
289
00:10:37,459 --> 00:10:39,827
by 30%...
290
00:10:39,845 --> 00:10:41,212
to 70%.
291
00:10:41,246 --> 00:10:43,631
Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?
292
00:10:43,665 --> 00:10:46,234
I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.
293
00:10:46,268 --> 00:10:49,287
We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.
294
00:10:49,321 --> 00:10:52,039
In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.
295
00:10:52,074 --> 00:10:54,258
Makes it easier
to just walk up and "pow!"
296
00:10:54,309 --> 00:10:55,660
[Laughs]
[Chuckles]
297
00:10:55,694 --> 00:10:58,879
Stupid foxes.
It's deeply erotic.
298
00:10:58,897 --> 00:10:59,947
That sounds amazing.
299
00:10:59,982 --> 00:11:01,465
We should go hunting sometime.
300
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,833
I'd love to.
301
00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:05,453
I could bust out my Ralph Lauren
Fall 2010 collection.
302
00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:08,139
Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!
303
00:11:08,173 --> 00:11:09,423
Wear whatever you want,
304
00:11:09,441 --> 00:11:12,510
as long as it's not too bright
or reflective.
305
00:11:12,544 --> 00:11:15,896
You know, I want you
blending in to the surroundings.
306
00:11:15,931 --> 00:11:18,115
How fast can you run?
307
00:11:18,150 --> 00:11:20,084
I think that guy
wants to hunt me.
308
00:11:20,118 --> 00:11:21,669
So, Dennis,
not to interrupt--
309
00:11:21,703 --> 00:11:23,788
Then don't.
Boom! Ha ha!
310
00:11:23,822 --> 00:11:25,439
Shut him right down!
311
00:11:25,474 --> 00:11:28,109
I have heard so much talking
from you.
312
00:11:28,143 --> 00:11:30,895
I don't want to hear your
fat mouth say anything else.
313
00:11:30,929 --> 00:11:32,096
- Boo!
- Oh.
314
00:11:32,130 --> 00:11:34,782
[Laughter]
315
00:11:34,816 --> 00:11:35,800
You're a dick.
316
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:38,035
Excuse me?
317
00:11:38,070 --> 00:11:39,003
- Andy--
- How dare you
318
00:11:39,037 --> 00:11:40,137
talk to me like that?
319
00:11:40,172 --> 00:11:41,222
- Where are your manners?
- [Sighs]
320
00:11:41,256 --> 00:11:42,857
You come to me
asking for money,
321
00:11:42,891 --> 00:11:44,842
and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.
322
00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:47,194
Wrap it up! We're done!
323
00:11:47,229 --> 00:11:50,881
Hey!
Show these garbage people out!
324
00:11:50,916 --> 00:11:54,185
Take the garbage out, Eddie.
325
00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:56,203
Donna?
326
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:58,356
Gentlemen.
327
00:11:59,741 --> 00:12:03,477
Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?
328
00:12:03,512 --> 00:12:05,396
I run a children's
break dancing studio
329
00:12:05,430 --> 00:12:07,315
called
"D.J. Jazzy Vern's."
330
00:12:07,349 --> 00:12:08,733
Do you have any experience
with animals?
331
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:10,801
Uh, a bat
landed on my face once.
332
00:12:10,836 --> 00:12:12,436
Hey, you know what,
he's not a rack of ribs,
333
00:12:12,471 --> 00:12:15,222
so stop grilling him.
[Laughs]
334
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,324
Nailed it.
335
00:12:16,358 --> 00:12:17,792
Ribs are better smoked
than grilled,
336
00:12:17,826 --> 00:12:19,910
so un-nailed it, with
the back part of the hammer.
337
00:12:19,945 --> 00:12:21,862
How many more questions
are there gonna be?
338
00:12:21,896 --> 00:12:23,381
Jamm said
if I got my teeth whitened,
339
00:12:23,415 --> 00:12:24,949
- I'd just get the gig.
- Uh, ga ga ga--ho.
340
00:12:24,983 --> 00:12:27,385
Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.
341
00:12:27,419 --> 00:12:28,736
You did a heck of a job,
Vernie.
342
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:30,121
Thanks, Jimbo.
343
00:12:30,155 --> 00:12:32,773
Not bad, right? I mean,
if he can catch raccoons
344
00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:35,142
as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,
345
00:12:35,177 --> 00:12:36,560
he's a home run.
346
00:12:36,611 --> 00:12:38,295
That is an insane statement.
347
00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:41,349
Well,
I don't see anyone better.
348
00:12:41,383 --> 00:12:45,169
April, I got a present for you.
349
00:12:45,203 --> 00:12:46,837
I don't like lotion.
I like my hands
350
00:12:46,888 --> 00:12:49,123
to be cracked and calloused
like a railway worker.
351
00:12:49,157 --> 00:12:51,575
I know. I filled the bottles
with fake blood,
352
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:52,743
vinegar, and mud.
353
00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:56,013
- Really? Thanks.
- On an unrelated note,
354
00:12:56,064 --> 00:12:57,314
do you remember
all those candidates
355
00:12:57,349 --> 00:12:59,600
we were interviewing
for the Animal Control job
356
00:12:59,634 --> 00:13:01,469
and how they were all
total losers
357
00:13:01,503 --> 00:13:02,603
who didn't care about animals?
358
00:13:02,637 --> 00:13:04,171
Except for Jerry,
who was great,
359
00:13:04,189 --> 00:13:05,790
but who we had to pass on
for other reasons.
360
00:13:05,824 --> 00:13:07,858
I was just happy
to be considered.
361
00:13:07,893 --> 00:13:10,811
Anyhoo, I nominated you
for the position,
362
00:13:10,845 --> 00:13:12,763
and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.
363
00:13:12,798 --> 00:13:14,832
- Surprise.
- No, I don't want the job.
364
00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,384
You can have
your mud and blood back.
365
00:13:16,418 --> 00:13:18,169
April, please,
you will be so good at it.
366
00:13:18,203 --> 00:13:19,487
You are so good with animals.
367
00:13:19,521 --> 00:13:21,021
Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do
368
00:13:21,039 --> 00:13:22,556
the stupid
confirmation hearing, okay?
369
00:13:22,591 --> 00:13:24,558
Stupid councilmen
asking me stupid questions
370
00:13:24,576 --> 00:13:25,993
about my stupid life--
it seems stupid.
371
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:28,479
No, it's easy--they'll just
ask you a few questions.
372
00:13:28,513 --> 00:13:29,880
Let's practice.
What's your name?
373
00:13:29,915 --> 00:13:31,498
Batman.
See? I failed.
374
00:13:31,516 --> 00:13:33,184
I will be there
to help you, okay?
375
00:13:33,218 --> 00:13:34,501
I will be your Pocahontas.
376
00:13:34,519 --> 00:13:36,971
Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.
377
00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:38,556
Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
378
00:13:38,607 --> 00:13:39,890
- Do it. You're gonna do it.
- Okay.
379
00:13:39,941 --> 00:13:42,526
- Yes! Yay!
- But only if you divorce Ben.
380
00:13:42,561 --> 00:13:43,882
Hey, don't even joke
about that.
381
00:13:43,895 --> 00:13:46,346
What? I really think
he's wrong for you.
382
00:13:48,521 --> 00:13:51,101
We now resume the confirmation
proceedings
383
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:53,279
for director of
the Animal Control Department.
384
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:56,642
Okay. Let's tear this chick
a new one, shall we?
385
00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:59,261
Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many emails
386
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,580
showing
how you sexually harassed
387
00:14:01,615 --> 00:14:02,915
Leslie Knope's assistant.
388
00:14:02,949 --> 00:14:05,167
Andy?
That's my husband.
389
00:14:05,185 --> 00:14:06,986
They were still
extremely graphic,
390
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:08,554
and appreciated by all of us.
391
00:14:08,588 --> 00:14:11,757
I had never heard of several
of those terms, and I'm a freak.
392
00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:13,926
Those are personal.
No one's allowed to read those.
393
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,961
You once posted
a video of yourself
394
00:14:16,012 --> 00:14:18,013
drinking alcohol in City Hall
395
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:20,633
while you were still a minor.
How do you justify that?
396
00:14:20,684 --> 00:14:24,220
Easily.
Alcohol is delicious and fun...
397
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:27,189
...Damentally a substance
that should not be abused.
398
00:14:27,223 --> 00:14:28,674
I agree, April.
Very good point.
399
00:14:28,709 --> 00:14:31,644
Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?
400
00:14:31,678 --> 00:14:33,179
I mean, that is amazing
how you make
401
00:14:33,213 --> 00:14:35,898
your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.
402
00:14:35,932 --> 00:14:37,266
Would you like
to put her on your knee?
403
00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:38,601
I mean, that'd be really fun.
404
00:14:38,635 --> 00:14:39,802
Just three years ago,
you drove--
405
00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:41,036
She's not ready.
406
00:14:41,071 --> 00:14:42,855
Now, you've rushed her
into this,
407
00:14:42,906 --> 00:14:44,774
and now, Jamm's
sharpening the knives.
408
00:14:44,808 --> 00:14:47,760
Leslie, no one needs
to be jammed today.
409
00:14:47,794 --> 00:14:50,679
Okay, all we need
is some kind of distraction.
410
00:14:50,714 --> 00:14:52,531
Grab that gavel
and break your other foot.
411
00:14:52,566 --> 00:14:54,900
I like the idea
of double the signings,
412
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:56,469
but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.
413
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,404
Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.
414
00:14:58,438 --> 00:15:00,673
I guess my first move
as director would be
415
00:15:00,707 --> 00:15:03,275
to fill your office, house,
and car with snakes,
416
00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:05,177
and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.
417
00:15:05,212 --> 00:15:07,997
Okay!
Let's take a brief recess.
418
00:15:08,031 --> 00:15:10,633
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.
419
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:13,669
Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.
420
00:15:13,703 --> 00:15:16,372
We just came to apologize.
421
00:15:16,406 --> 00:15:18,307
Mr. Dennis Feinstein,
422
00:15:18,341 --> 00:15:20,776
let me just say,
from the bottom of my heart,
423
00:15:20,811 --> 00:15:22,261
my bad.
424
00:15:22,295 --> 00:15:23,562
I just started working here,
425
00:15:23,597 --> 00:15:28,217
and I really want to do
a good job, and I blew it.
426
00:15:30,787 --> 00:15:32,054
Thank you for saying that.
427
00:15:32,088 --> 00:15:33,973
Thought about it last night,
and I decided
428
00:15:34,024 --> 00:15:37,877
that if you came in here
and apologized to me like a man,
429
00:15:37,911 --> 00:15:40,429
that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,
430
00:15:40,464 --> 00:15:41,914
so you're forgiven.
431
00:15:41,965 --> 00:15:47,286
To that end, here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.
432
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,355
- Oh!
- Go out there
433
00:15:49,389 --> 00:15:50,909
and help some kids
with their pink eye,
434
00:15:50,941 --> 00:15:52,381
or whatever it is
you guys are doing.
435
00:15:52,392 --> 00:15:54,844
Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.
436
00:15:54,878 --> 00:15:56,395
It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.
437
00:15:56,429 --> 00:15:59,715
This check is made out
to "Go [bleep] yourself."
438
00:15:59,749 --> 00:16:01,150
In your face!
439
00:16:01,184 --> 00:16:04,103
Dennis Feinstein helps no man!
440
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:06,138
Get the hell out of my office!
441
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:07,456
- Hey, what's your problem, man?
- Why did you make me
442
00:16:07,474 --> 00:16:08,557
- apologize to him?
- Guys, guys, just hold it--
443
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:09,608
hold on a sec, okay?
444
00:16:09,643 --> 00:16:11,327
Mr. Feinstein,
445
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:14,013
with all due respect...
446
00:16:14,047 --> 00:16:15,447
you are a major dick.
447
00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:16,782
- What?
- Run!
448
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:19,168
- Eddie, get my crossbow.
- Crossbow? What the--
449
00:16:19,202 --> 00:16:21,854
You will pay for this!
450
00:16:21,905 --> 00:16:23,639
[Knocking at the door]
Hey, you look better.
451
00:16:23,673 --> 00:16:25,808
I guess actual medicine
can be effective.
452
00:16:25,842 --> 00:16:26,775
Who'da thunk?
453
00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:28,010
Please leave me alone.
454
00:16:28,044 --> 00:16:29,645
Not until we go over
your test results
455
00:16:29,679 --> 00:16:30,863
and your blood work.
456
00:16:30,897 --> 00:16:32,848
Your blood pressure looks fine.
457
00:16:32,883 --> 00:16:34,266
I'm not sure
how this is possible,
458
00:16:34,301 --> 00:16:35,651
but your cholesterol is 120,
459
00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:36,969
which is the lowest
I've ever seen.
460
00:16:37,003 --> 00:16:38,470
What's "cholesterol"?
461
00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:40,923
And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,
462
00:16:40,957 --> 00:16:42,858
so just eat a banana
once in awhile.
463
00:16:42,893 --> 00:16:45,828
No, thank you.
I live the way I live,
464
00:16:45,862 --> 00:16:49,798
I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.
465
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:52,551
That's oddly beautiful...
but also stupid.
466
00:16:52,586 --> 00:16:54,486
You're not alone in the world
anymore, Ron.
467
00:16:54,538 --> 00:16:58,741
You're dating a woman who has
two kids, so every three days,
468
00:16:58,775 --> 00:17:01,076
think about Ivy and Zoe
and Diane,
469
00:17:01,111 --> 00:17:04,079
and eat a damn banana.
470
00:17:04,097 --> 00:17:06,699
[Growls]
471
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:09,068
I am so sorry, April.
472
00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:11,520
You are doing terribly up there,
and it's all my fault.
473
00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:13,122
It's not you, it's me.
474
00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:15,541
- Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm breaking up with the idea
475
00:17:15,592 --> 00:17:17,643
of you being director
of Animal Control.
476
00:17:17,694 --> 00:17:19,712
I say we just
withdraw your application
477
00:17:19,746 --> 00:17:22,798
and let Vern become director.
He does have good teeth.
478
00:17:22,832 --> 00:17:24,516
No! [Sighs]
479
00:17:24,551 --> 00:17:27,786
All right, I have an idea.
Trust me.
480
00:17:27,837 --> 00:17:31,640
Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion
of this committee
481
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:33,392
that you are terrible.
482
00:17:33,426 --> 00:17:36,311
Can you give me even one reason
483
00:17:36,329 --> 00:17:38,063
why you're the right man
for this job?
484
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:40,900
No.
But neither is your guy.
485
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,451
Neither of us
should get the job.
486
00:17:42,485 --> 00:17:44,436
Oh, no?
Why is that?
487
00:17:44,471 --> 00:17:46,589
There shouldn't be a separate
Animal Control Department.
488
00:17:46,623 --> 00:17:48,991
Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,
489
00:17:49,025 --> 00:17:51,443
and frankly,
no one could change that.
490
00:17:51,478 --> 00:17:54,330
So I think it should be absorbed
into the Parks Department.
491
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,148
That is a genius idea.
492
00:17:56,182 --> 00:17:58,934
Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.
493
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:00,185
Iwo Jima!
494
00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:02,137
Animal Control would be
way more effective
495
00:18:02,172 --> 00:18:03,505
if it ran
through the Parks Department,
496
00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:06,041
and if you want, I can
write up an official report
497
00:18:06,076 --> 00:18:07,376
in language simple enough
498
00:18:07,410 --> 00:18:09,895
for even you dummies
to understand, dummies.
499
00:18:09,946 --> 00:18:11,196
Councilman,
you have to admit that
500
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:12,514
that idea makes a lot of sense.
501
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,867
Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting
502
00:18:14,901 --> 00:18:17,219
that I already told Vern
he got the job,
503
00:18:17,237 --> 00:18:18,737
and he already bought
a new speedboat.
504
00:18:18,788 --> 00:18:20,506
Well, I hope he kept a receipt.
505
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:23,592
That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,
506
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:27,062
and I move that Animal Control
be absorbed into Parks and Rec.
507
00:18:27,097 --> 00:18:29,131
I second that.
508
00:18:29,165 --> 00:18:30,466
[Sighs]
509
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,717
Yay!
510
00:18:31,751 --> 00:18:34,837
Look at that, April.
You won over Jamm.
511
00:18:34,871 --> 00:18:36,171
Uh, no, she didn't.
512
00:18:36,205 --> 00:18:38,040
I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.
513
00:18:38,058 --> 00:18:41,710
I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.
514
00:18:41,728 --> 00:18:43,512
Retro-jammed.
515
00:18:46,969 --> 00:18:49,201
What do we do now?
Can I apologize again?
516
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,760
I'm getting really
at apologizing.
517
00:18:50,794 --> 00:18:52,428
Screw that.
You should apologize
518
00:18:52,462 --> 00:18:53,979
for apologizing to that guy.
519
00:18:54,014 --> 00:18:55,598
God, we really could've used
the money, though.
520
00:18:55,632 --> 00:18:57,466
Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.
521
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,902
You did--
I was really impressed
522
00:18:59,936 --> 00:19:01,320
by all the stuff
the foundation's done
523
00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:04,156
for all them poor homies,
so you know what?
524
00:19:04,191 --> 00:19:06,325
Rent-A-Swag is gonna
donate five cents
525
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,327
from every dollar
we make this month.
526
00:19:08,362 --> 00:19:10,145
It's not Feinstein money,
but it'll help.
527
00:19:10,163 --> 00:19:12,131
That's very generous, Tom.
528
00:19:12,165 --> 00:19:14,300
Feinstein's the worst.
I hope he gets into an accident
529
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:16,419
driving that Rolex Mobile.
530
00:19:16,453 --> 00:19:18,087
For the last time,
it's a Rolexus,
531
00:19:18,121 --> 00:19:19,672
and you can't drive it.
532
00:19:19,706 --> 00:19:23,626
April, I have a gift
for you. Ta da.
533
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:26,462
At Leslie's suggestion,
I have made you deputy director
534
00:19:26,496 --> 00:19:29,298
of Animal Control
within the Parks Department.
535
00:19:29,332 --> 00:19:31,434
You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,
536
00:19:31,468 --> 00:19:32,685
there is no
confirmation hearing.
537
00:19:32,719 --> 00:19:34,770
How did you make this plaque
so quickly?
538
00:19:34,805 --> 00:19:36,305
I had it made
your first week here.
539
00:19:36,339 --> 00:19:40,559
I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.
540
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,278
- Can I hire an intern?
- Not yet.
541
00:19:42,312 --> 00:19:43,946
- Can I hire a Mexican elf?
- No.
542
00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:45,564
- Can I buy a child bride?
- No.
543
00:19:45,615 --> 00:19:47,533
Then how is this even
a promotion?
544
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,819
Government shouldn't operate
based on personal favors.
545
00:19:49,853 --> 00:19:52,020
It should operate
based on good ideas.
546
00:19:52,038 --> 00:19:55,408
April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.
547
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:57,326
Leslie, I really have to
go to the bathroom.
548
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,194
Oh, yeah, right, sorry.
549
00:19:59,212 --> 00:20:00,212
You don't have to
come in with me.
550
00:20:00,247 --> 00:20:03,031
I wasn't going to.
551
00:20:03,049 --> 00:20:04,250
Could you pick up the pace
a little bit?
552
00:20:04,301 --> 00:20:06,302
Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.
553
00:20:06,336 --> 00:20:08,671
- Night, Ron.
- Night, Ron.
554
00:20:21,384 --> 00:20:22,518
[Shudders]
555
00:20:22,552 --> 00:20:25,054
Ladies, ladies.
556
00:20:33,530 --> 00:20:34,480
[Gulps]
557
00:20:34,531 --> 00:20:36,282
[Gags]
558
00:20:40,937 --> 00:20:43,656
[Grunts]
559
00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:44,707
[Blows]
560
00:20:46,022 --> 00:20:56,561
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com