1
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,630
'What's so great about him?'

2
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:15,150
Well, he's smart and reliable.

3
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,960
You sound like
you're describing a car.

4
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,790
You know he likes you.

5
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,630
Finds you...fascinating.

6
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:24,040
SHE YELPS AND LAUGHS

7
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,390
I've really, really loved hanging out
with you for the last few days.

8
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,670
Yeah, me too.

9
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,710
You're going to propose to her?

10
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,790
Yes, I'm going to pop the question
at my birthday party.

11
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,270
Why don't you go and tell her? It's
fancy dress. I don't have a costume.

12
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,830
Sorry, who are you meant to be?

13
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,030
We're Riggs and Murtaugh,
you know, from Lethal Weapon.

14
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,950
What if she doesn't feel the same?
It'll be awkward living with her.

15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:54,470
Well, it doesn't matter. If she says yes to
him, she won't be living here. What is it?

16
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,670
Brian's about to propose to you.

17
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,440
Don!

18
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,950
So, come on, did he propose?

19
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,870
Yes. He did. And what did you say?

20
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,550
I said I'd think about it.

21
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,390
So, "no" then. Not necessarily.

22
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,270
Well, "think about it"
hardly suggests "yes", does it?

23
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,630
No, it suggests I'll think about it.

24
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,510
It must be killing him.

25
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,590
I bet he never thought he'd
find someone like you at his age.

26
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,110
Oh, Don, that joke is getting old!
It's not the only thing getting old.

27
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,870
Oh, you are so annoying.

28
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,550
No wonder your only friend
is Rain Man over there.

29
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,550
Oi, cheekbones, that's not very nice.

30
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,310
He's not my ONLY friend.

31
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,390
Anyway, Eddie might be a bit half price,
but he's nothing like Rain Man.

32
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,040
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm an excellent
driver. Excellent driver.

33
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,710
Look, I'm just saying,
either you love Brian, or you don't.

34
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,830
I just want to make sure that we'd
be doing it for the right reasons.

35
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,640
We've only been together
for a few months.

36
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,430
Yeah, but at his age,
time goes all skewiff.

37
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,470
It's like that dog years thing. When
you're older, a year can seem like a week.

38
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,910
Or is it the other way around?

39
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,830
You know, you're not so young
yourself. Yeah, but I'm not OLD.

40
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:29,510
No, it's just your receding
hairline that makes you look it.

41
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,550
How could you be so evil
and hurtful and spiteful?

42
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,670
SHE CHUCKLES

43
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:40,630
AMERICAN ACCENT: Of course, I get my
underwear from K-Mart. From K-Mart.

44
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,630
What are you freaks up to?
Just having a little line run ahead of tonight.

45
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,990
'Eddie belongs to the local
theatre club.

46
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,760
'He's been in several productions
since he joined.'

47
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,150
You can say it backwards, you know!

48
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:57,430
Which is docious-ali-
expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus.

49
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,030
I need your clothes,
your boots and your motorcycle.

50
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,470
There's just one more thing.
My wife loves ya!

51
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,790
Why would I kill the man in the same
way I wrote about it in my book?

52
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,000
Nick?

53
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,670
We're doing Rain Man this week.
I'm playing the Dustin Hoffman part.

54
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,750
Oh, I love it when I
get cast against type.

55
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:18,950
SHE SNEERS

56
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,230
You are coming tonight,
aren't you, Don?

57
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,830
To the theatre? I'd rather stay at home
and staple-gun my dick to my balls.

58
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,910
Oh.

59
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,670
But hey, look.
We don't have a stapler,

60
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,830
so of course I'll be there.

61
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,550
I've got a stapler
I'd be happy to lend you.

62
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,670
Shush your mouth, Gollum.

63
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:42,630
'And so that night we all went to see
Eddie in his silly little play.'

64
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:48,830
Amtrak train number 36, the Desert Wind,
eastbound, now boarding, track number three.

65
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,270
Very shiny train. It sure is.

66
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,590
Now, listen, I'm comin' to see you
in two weeks. How many days is that?

67
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,110
Fourteen days from today.
Today's Wednesday.

68
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,310
Course, that's 336 hours.

69
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:06,110
20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.

70
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,790
Ray, I'll see you soon.

71
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:12,350
Yeah. Bet one for bad, two for good.
Bet two for good.

72
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,160
Three minutes to Wapner.
You'll make it.

73
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,080
TRAIN WHISTLES

74
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,670
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

75
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,920
I will not wear that thong,
Louis Walsh!

76
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:39,470
Outstanding. Puts Hoffman to shame.
Talent like that is so attractive.

77
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,960
I'd really like to fuck him.

78
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:51,680
Strange. Does somebody need
their laundry doing?

79
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,830
You were really enjoying yourself
up there.

80
00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,070
You should be so proud of yourself,
Eddie. You were brilliant.

81
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,630
You all enjoyed it?
You didn't think it was amateurish?

82
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,950
Eddie, it made me cry. Yeah,
all right, Bri. It weren't that bad.

83
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,750
Because I was so moved.
It was a wonderful piece of drama.

84
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,030
Yeah, and the women
in the audience adored you.

85
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,630
You reminded me of a
young Justin Hoffman.

86
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,270
I think you mean Dustin Hoffman.

87
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,110
No. Justin Hoffman!

88
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:22,630
He's the town drunk who shouts at pigeons
outside Tesco's. You're right, he does a bit.

89
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,520
I'm not sure how to take that, Dot.

90
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,390
The poor man's an actual retard.

91
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,750
OK. Night, everyone.

92
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,840
Oh, and well done... Justin Hoffman.

93
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,800
Right, better quickly get
all this washing on.

94
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:42,390
Eddie,
this local theatre club of yours?

95
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,070
Uh-huh? Can anyone join?

96
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,870
Abso-lulu. Anyone from
the local community, that is.

97
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,680
When do rehearsals start
for the next show?

98
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,950
Next week. There's a rumour we're
doing Cocktail - The Musical.

99
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,070
Rain Man? Cocktail? What, is it some
sort of Tom Cruise season?

100
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,120
Exactly. Some sort
of Tom Cruise season.

101
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,990
I wonder if they'll do
Eyes Wide Shut?

102
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,750
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We tried that a few months ago.

103
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,640
Didn't go down at all well.

104
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,550
AUDIENCE: That's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen!

105
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,070
This is an outrage!

106
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,190
SEXUAL MOANING

107
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,120
BOOING

108
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,270
Right, I want to join.
What do you reckon?

109
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,830
But you hate the theatre.

110
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,990
You said you'd rather staple-gun
your penis to its balls.

111
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,710
Look, Eddie,
theatre's like male masturbation.

112
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,640
Fun to do, hideous to watch.

113
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,080
I saw all that attention
you were getting back there.

114
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:40,070
There's something about men
expressing their gayness on stage

115
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,440
that gives women a fizzy vagenie.
I don't know why.

116
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:43,680
But can you act?

117
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,760
Since when did acting
have anything to do with it?

118
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,070
It's about star quality, Eddie.

119
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:52,710
Not acting. Just take a look at some of the
greatest screen legends of the last 30 years.

120
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:57,590
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren,
that French Mastiff from Turner and Hooch.

121
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,430
All terrible actors,
yet utterly mesmerising.

122
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,550
Man, that dog was good!

123
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,790
OK, Don. You can come along.

124
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,070
But please, no horseplay.

125
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,790
Sorry, horseplay? Yes, horseplay.

126
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,630
You're actually genuinely using
the phrase horseplay? Yeah.

127
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,790
Jesus, Eddie. Sometimes I think
you're from the turn of the century.

128
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,440
What, the year 2000?
No, no. The one before that.

129
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,870
'I was very excited
about becoming an actor.

130
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:32,950
'And I needed something to take my mind
off the whole Brian and Sam situation.'

131
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,870
A special round of applause to Eddie and Randy for
their extraordinary performances in Rain Man.

132
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,310
APPLAUSE

133
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,910
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

134
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,910
Really, there's no need for applause.

135
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,880
I'm just like you guys.

136
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,480
Well...a bit like you.

137
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:56,030
Rain Man was a triumph, but now on to our
next production, my sweet little puppets!

138
00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:01,430
Now, I have been thinking long and hard, and
I've decided that our next production will be...

139
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,520
Wait for it...

140
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,040
Top Gun - The Musical!

141
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:14,790
Er, excuse me. Excuse me. Over here.

142
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:20,110
Don't you think we ought to wait for the director
to arrive before you start deciding what's what?

143
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,470
Oh, right. Good idea. Yes.

144
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,190
Top Gun it is, then.

145
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,190
Don. That is the director.

146
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,150
Now, I sense a few newcomers...

147
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,030
Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry,
guys, sorry.

148
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:38,110
Has no-one else noticed that he's...?

149
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,520
Well, you know he's, er...

150
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:45,030
I'm not sure I see what you're
saying. Exactly my point. No?

151
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,990
Oh, never mind. Jesus!

152
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,720
Before we start
divvying up the roles,

153
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,470
why don't we just loosen up
and start with some exercises, OK?

154
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,240
So, on your feet, come on, come on.

155
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,270
Excuse me, er...
Don Danbury. I'm new.

156
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,110
Ah, always a pleasure to have
a newbie in the troupe.

157
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,750
A fresh puppet to place
my proverbial hand inside.

158
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,990
I hope proverbial means you won't
actually put your hand inside me?

159
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,190
Ha, ha, how funny.
I'm Simon Simon Smith.

160
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,750
Nice to meet you.

161
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,230
Hang on, Simon SIMON Smith? Correct.

162
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,350
What, your first name's Simon
and your middle name's Simon?

163
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,760
Yes. My mother had a stutter.
What can I do for you, poppet?

164
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,310
Are you sure Top Gun's
the right way forward here?

165
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,710
What would you suggest? I dunno.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

166
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,830
Been there. It was a travesty!

167
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,550
I told them we should never
have done it on ice!

168
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:35,670
I mean, how was the character in the wheelchair meant
to know how to ice skate, huh? Answer me, Donald!

169
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:36,790
I don't know.

170
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:37,950
Theatre games!

171
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,710
'Was I being stupid? I mean, how
does a blind man direct a musical?'

172
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,870
I get what you're saying. About him.

173
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,910
It's weird, innit? No-one else
seems to have a problem with it.

174
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,070
Oh, I've got a problem with it,
all right.

175
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,390
I wish his type would
just go back home.

176
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:57,000
Where do blind people come from?
Oh...

177
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,680
See you in a minute.

178
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,600
Time to reveal
who will be playing whom.

179
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,800
Please be Maverick,
please be Maverick.

180
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,830
Yes! I'm Tom Cruise.

181
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,430
I'm Tom mother-loving Cruise.

182
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,430
Oh, right. I'm Goose.

183
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,950
I feel the need.

184
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,120
BOTH: The need for speed!

185
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:33,150
I wonder who's playing Charlie?
The Kelly McGillis role. She's really fit.

186
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,160
As in sexy, not healthy.

187
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,550
I'm just saying she looks
nothing like Kelly McGillis.

188
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,110
This is community theatre, Donald.

189
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,630
What if the community don't buy
me and her as a couple?

190
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,950
Fuck the community, then!
Fuck them all. This is my production.

191
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,070
Too many times has the community
interfered with my work.

192
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,190
I should never have done Cuckoo's
Nest on ice. A boy died that night!

193
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,000
All right.
I'm sure it weren't your fault.

194
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,030
I was the one who skated
across his jugular.

195
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,430
You were in the show?
Yes. I'm in all my productions.

196
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,630
Holy batty sleeves.

197
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,430
Actually, this tete-a-tete
is quite useful.

198
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,670
I'm playing Iceman, you see?

199
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,430
Let's use this tension.

200
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,920
Let's use it!

201
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,190
My God, Don,
you look just like Cruise.

202
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,150
Well, thank you very much.

203
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,150
I want to kiss you on the mouth.
What?

204
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,120
On with rehearsals,
my rancid little puppets!

205
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:38,240
# Watching in slow motion
as you turn around and say

206
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:44,310
# Take my breath away... #

207
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:48,510
Wonderful. Exquisite.
And now Margaret.

208
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,190
# Take my breath away... #

209
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,870
Good. Now Maverick moves in
towards her. Come on, Don.

210
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,990
In for the kiss. In for the kiss,
Don! In for the kiss!

211
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,390
All right! Kiss her. I'm going to!

212
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,790
Kiss her, please. Kiss!

213
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,270
Kiss her.

214
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,360
And...

215
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:13,870
And cut.

216
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,470
THUD

217
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,590
Tea break?

218
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,200
I can't feel my arms.

219
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,550
Because, Goose, you're the only
goddamn family I've got.

220
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,070
Goddamn family.

221
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,910
SHE SMIRKS

222
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,990
Oh, look,
Noel Coward's back from the dead.

223
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,710
Ha-ha-ha. Funny. Not sure who
that is exactly, but it's funny.

224
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,710
Right, finished with the jokes? Good.

225
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,150
Check this shit out.

226
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:46,110
I have just landed myself the lead role
in the theatre club's latest production.

227
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,230
Congratulations, Don.

228
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,710
Thought it was time I got myself
involved in some challenging theatre.

229
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,110
Top Gun - The Musical.
It's hardly Chekhov, is it?

230
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,870
Oh, ha-ha-ha.

231
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,590
You are so naive, Samantha.

232
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,470
Top Gun's all about the subtext.

233
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,190
Some of it's very Chekhovian.
Do you even know who Chekhov is?

234
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,030
Not a clue. Was he the bad guy
in Beverly Hills Cop?

235
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,070
No. Who am I thinking of, then?

236
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,230
Berkoff. You berk off!

237
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,870
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing
it, it'll be good for a laugh.

238
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,910
Top Gun's not a comedy, Samantha.

239
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,470
Do you want tea? Yes.

240
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,240
I'll just have a hot water and lemon.

241
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:26,990
Better keep an eye on this little
fella, being on stage and whatnot.

242
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:31,920
There's some jammy doughnuts in the
cupboard, bring them in. Good girl.

243
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,440
Psst. Don. Over here.

244
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,750
Can we have a quick mano-a-mano?

245
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,630
I hope that's not slang for sex.

246
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,790
No, no. It means a one-to-one.

247
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,510
Still sounds like sex.

248
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,110
I need some advice about Samantha.

249
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,630
You want advice? From me?

250
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:59,910
All her other friends are students at the university
where I teach. You're the only one left. Right.

251
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:04,790
Am I being a dick? I don't know. But I'm
desperate to say yes. Waiting for Sam like this.

252
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,030
Give her a chance to let the kettle boil!
No, no. I'm talking about my proposal.

253
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,190
Ah, yeah. It's been almost
two weeks since I asked her.

254
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,950
When I push for an answer, she says she
needs more time. How much does she need?

255
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,710
Either she loves me or she doesn't.
Well, that's what I said.

256
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:22,030
What does it look like to other people?
Like you've landed on your feet.

257
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:27,950
Well, look she's funny, smart,
good-looking, intelligent, genuine, fit.

258
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,990
Oh, man, I would love
to have sex with her.

259
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,990
Is what people probably think.

260
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,070
Which is good. It's a compliment.

261
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,190
So I shouldn't just walk away?

262
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,560
Because, well,
I've been thinking about it.

263
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,110
Honestly, Bri?
You wait as long as it takes.

264
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,910
Because if you walked away you'd
be a making a terrible mistake.

265
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,870
And believe me,
I know a lot about terrible mistakes.

266
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,630
Thanks, Don.
You're a really good guy, you know?

267
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,040
Well...
I don't care what other people say.

268
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,310
What do you mean,
"what other people say?"

269
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:12,350
OK, listen up, puppets.
I have some terrible, terrible news.

270
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,680
Margaret is in hospital.

271
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:20,510
Apparently she'd been having trouble
feeling anything in her arms all day,

272
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,790
and last night lost control of her
car and drove into a shop. Splat.

273
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,510
And so there is a strong possibility she
will not be able to perform tomorrow.

274
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:34,560
Yes! Yes! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes!

275
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,790
I mean, oh, poor Margaret.
I hope she's all right.

276
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:48,470
Which means that we need to find ourselves a new
starlet, otherwise this production shuts down.

277
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:53,910
Either that or we go the Shakespeare route and
I'll play the love interest. What?! No, no.

278
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,070
You're playing Iceman.

279
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,750
Are you questioning my ability
to dupliact? No? Good.

280
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,110
Then find me my local ingenue
or fetch me my frock. You decide!

281
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,800
Please choose the frock.

282
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,880
We need to find a new leading lady
quick sharp.

283
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,880
What are you going to have?
I'm not sure.

284
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,960
Say "ah." Ah.

285
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,800
SHE MOANS

286
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,510
What's up with you?
Someone stolen your corset?

287
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,350
SHE SMIRKS

288
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,870
They'd bloody better not have.

289
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,630
We've got a problem with the show.

290
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:58,350
Is the problem called
Top Gun - The Musical?

291
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:02,550
Do you mind?
Jesus, I never give YOU grief.

292
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,190
The lead actress has pulled out.

293
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,190
Why? Well, she's in a coma.

294
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,350
Right, well, she hasn't exactly
dropped out, then, has she?

295
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,750
Well, she's hardly
going ahead with it, is she?

296
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,390
I'm having trouble
finding a replacement.

297
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,870
Needs to be a girl, obviously.

298
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,710
Someone from the local area.

299
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,310
Preferably someone sexy. I'll do it.

300
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,070
Resist, resist, resist. I can't.

301
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,560
I said, "someone sexy".

302
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,120
She needs to be confident enough
to get up on stage.

303
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,310
It would help if she was blonde.

304
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,310
Mid 20s-ish.

305
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,190
Maybe if her name
was like Anne, or Pam,

306
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,230
which is short for Pamantha,
I believe.

307
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,630
Do you know anyone
who fits that description?

308
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,550
Nope. Oh, go on. You'd be perfect.

309
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,390
Not as good as I'd be.

310
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,390
Shush, Gollum, adults are talking.

311
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,320
I don't even know
if I can act, Don.

312
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,080
You'll be in perfect company.
Nobody in the show can act.

313
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,590
Oh, go on. I don't want to do
kissing scenes with Simon Simon.

314
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,760
Wait, there are kissing scenes?
No, no.

315
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,720
I'll think about it, OK?
OK, yeah. OK.

316
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,840
So, what do you reckon?
Are you in?

317
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,680
Thanks for doing this, by the way.
You have totally saved the show.

318
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,230
Sorry, are you running lines?

319
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,790
I think I'm going to say yes.

320
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,310
Really? In which scene?

321
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,590
No, to Brian. Oh.

322
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,910
Why?

323
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,470
Because I do love him, Don.

324
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,870
Yeah, but are you IN love with him?

325
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,990
I just want to be with somebody
who's not going to let me down.

326
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,310
Right. Someone like me, you mean?

327
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,910
No, that's not what I mean.

328
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,750
OK. Two minutes, puppets!

329
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,990
Samantha, you're confident that
you remember everything, yes?

330
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:11,110
Yes, I think so. Think? Think?
I need you to know, my dear!

331
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,760
OK, I know.

332
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,110
And Donald,
you remember what I said earlier?

333
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:21,110
Look, I told you before, I don't want
you to give me a pre-show blowie.

334
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,990
No, not that. Earlier, before that?
Oh, right. Er? Come on, puppet.

335
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,790
The secret to great acting?

336
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,750
The golden code to a truly
mesmerising performance?

337
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,470
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Say the words from the script.

338
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,070
Correct. Now fly, my puppet!

339
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,230
Take to the stage! You've got it.

340
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,000
You're sure I can't give you
a quick pre-show blowie?

341
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,310
You are a hell of a pilot, Maverick.

342
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,000
So I am going to write
a dream ticket.

343
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,320
You two jokers are going to Top Gun.

344
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,270
# We're flying to... Top Gun!

345
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,310
# We're flying to... Top Gun!

346
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,950
# We're flying to... Top Gun!

347
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,070
# We're flying to... Top Gun!

348
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,560
# We're flying to... Top Gun!

349
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,200
# Top Gun! Top Gun!
Top Gun! Top Gun!

350
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,110
# My name is Maverick

351
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,590
# And I'm a maverick pilot

352
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,110
# Pilot!

353
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,190
# My name is Goose, and I'm a...

354
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,000
# Goosey pilot

355
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,350
# My daddy was a fighter pilot too

356
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,150
# But I never met him
because he died when I was small

357
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:51,150
# And I'm living in his shadow

358
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,110
# Shadow

359
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,550
# I'm living in my
dead daddy's shadow

360
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,270
# He's living in his
dead daddy's shadow

361
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:03,400
# Shh-shh-shh-shadow. #

362
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,800
APPLAUSE

363
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,950
I'm a guy. And you're a guy.

364
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,270
And there's tension between us.
Can you feel it?

365
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,950
# We're guys
Guys in the showers

366
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,350
# We're guys
Competing with each other

367
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,510
# We're guys

368
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,750
# Not gays

369
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,280
# But guys

370
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:42,590
# We're very manly
and definitely not homosexual

371
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,430
# Well, maybe just a tiny little bit
homoerotic, oh!

372
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:53,270
# We're just guys who really love
to shower with other guys

373
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,190
# Guys
G-U-Y-S

374
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,710
# Guys Guys

375
00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:00,230
# G-U-Y-S
Guys. #

376
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,000
APPLAUSE

377
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,160
BANG

378
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:28,110
No, Goose! Don't leave me, Goose!

379
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,640
No!

380
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,190
# We're changing the set now
We're changing the set

381
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,990
# We're changing the set now
We're changing the set

382
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,430
# What are you doing?
We just told you

383
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,470
# We're changing,
we're changing, we're changing... #

384
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,190
That was amazing!
Really? I wasn't too over the top?

385
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,440
No. It was amazing.

386
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,160
Quick, it's the big scene!

387
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,350
APPLAUSE

388
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,680
PIANIST PLAYS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"

389
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:09,640
# Watching every motion
in my foolish lover's game

390
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:19,280
# On this endless ocean
finally lovers know no shame

391
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:29,000
# Turning and returning
to some secret place inside

392
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:37,680
# Watching in slow motion
as you turn around and say...

393
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,710
# Take my breath away

394
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:49,440
# Hey, hey

395
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,790
# Take my breath away

396
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:58,680
# Hey, hey... #

397
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,350
What's going on?

398
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,040
They're still kissing. Oh.

399
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,550
HE PLAYS FINAL CHORD QUICKLY

400
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,160
APPLAUSE

401
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:49,070
# Fly, fly, fly, fly

402
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:54,030
# You can fly, fly, fly, fly

403
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,430
# You can fly with me any time

404
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,470
# In time

405
00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,630
# Time

406
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,590
# You can fly with me any time

407
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:03,670
# Time

408
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,190
# Time

409
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,070
# You can fly with me any time

410
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,150
# Any time

411
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,510
# Any time you like! #

412
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

413
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,040
BOTTLE SMASHES

414
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,310
I don't get it. I played Tom Cruise, and
yet he still gets all the attention.

415
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,190
He had the death scene.
You can't top that. Death scenes.

416
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,190
Simpletons. Blacking up.
He's an awards magnet.

417
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,880
Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.

418
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:46,030
I always thought
you'd be shit on stage.

419
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,830
Great. Thanks, Gollum.

420
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,510
But you were quite good, actually.

421
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,990
Oh. Thanks, Dot.

422
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,190
I can't believe how much fun
that was. You were amazing.

423
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,590
Oh, thank you. You always are.

424
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:03,030
Look, I was going to wait until we got
back, but I want to tell you something.

425
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:04,110
Me too.

426
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,430
OK, well, you first.

427
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,080
Ah. How do I say this?

428
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,350
I saw you up there with Don.
You were really convincing.

429
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,310
Yeah, but we were just acting,
you know that, right? Were you?

430
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,870
Yes.

431
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,070
Even if that kiss was just acting,

432
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:26,990
even if you considered him to be
just another actor, and not Don.

433
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,710
Well, you still had more chemistry
with that person than you do with me.

434
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,310
I watched the way you both
kissed and thought,

435
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:37,800
"She has never, ever
kissed me like that."

436
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,310
Don't be sad.

437
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,760
Better we found this out now, hey?

438
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,800
I'll leave you all to celebrate.

439
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,110
More washing. How exciting!

440
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,750
Puppets! I'd like you
to meet my beloved wife.

441
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,710
Er, sorry. Wife? Yes, wife.

442
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,110
Everything OK, Samantha?

443
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,470
Ah, Samantha, my heroine.

444
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:15,710
You are truly a talent. And what
chemistry you and Donald have.

445
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,600
You must do more together, you must.

446
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,070
Well, I do keep trying
to tell her, Simon Simon.

447
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,910
But I think she'd rather act
opposite Uncle Brian.

448
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,590
Actually, where is Bri?

449
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,390
Erm, he's gone. He had to leave.

450
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:32,950
Well, I would like to propose
a toast. To Donald and Samantha.

451
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,390
The perfect Maverick and Charlie!

452
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,950
Cheers! Cheers.

453
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:40,120
Cheers!

454
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,560
Cheers.

455
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:51,270
# Times, we've had some good ones

456
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:55,240
# Lines, we've drawn a few

457
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,750
# But it's gonna be all right

458
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,110
# Yes, we're gonna be all right. #