1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,200 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,400 Oh. You know what, I don't think I want to go to this party, Jordan. 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,920 JORDAN SIGHS 4 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,920 Come on! 5 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,640 Lorcan's party's the biggest event of the year. 6 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,080 There's sometimes seven, maybe even eight people at it. 7 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,160 I know! But all it takes is one faux pas, 8 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,760 and suddenly I'm the talk of Ballymacnoose. 9 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,040 Yeah, or one cool move and you're a legend forever. 10 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,760 CALLUM SCOFFS 11 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,640 I just wish I had your confidence, man. 12 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,800 Look, you want to know my secret? 13 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,080 Yes, please. 14 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,159 You see when a thought comes in my head? Yeah? 15 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,000 I just ignore it. 16 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,920 Good thoughts, bad thoughts, weird thoughts. 17 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,280 All like water off a duck's back. 18 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,560 That actually explains a lot. 19 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,400 I just do what I want, thoughtlessly. 20 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,920 Is it really that simple? 21 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:55,000 Would an unconfident guy wear a shirt as tight as this? 22 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,720 Trust me. 23 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,640 We're going to have a great time today. 24 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,040 Lock up your livestock around this fella. 25 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,840 Dare I say it? There's no beast this man wouldn't put himself into. 26 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,080 I think you're making a bit of a jump there, Frank. 27 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,600 I never actually touched any of your animals. 28 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,080 But you did come in his lake, Callum. 29 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,000 It wasn't on purpose, Gemma. Remember? 30 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,400 You philander with any of my cattle, 31 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,320 I'll run you through with a hosepipe, 32 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,800 give you a damn good clean-out. 33 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:26,480 Cursed is the man who has sexual relations with any animal, Callum. 34 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:27,880 Yeah. Thank you, Mildred. 35 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,039 Frank, Sammy, it's good to see yous again. 36 00:01:30,039 --> 00:01:32,000 It's really good to be here. 37 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,960 Cheers. 38 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,039 MUTTERING: Fuck off! 39 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,440 Hey. 40 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,600 Hello. 41 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,600 You're Callum Brown, right? 42 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,520 Yeah. 43 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,079 How did you know? 44 00:02:17,079 --> 00:02:19,720 Oh, Gemma's literally told me everything about you. 45 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,160 Oh, sorry, I should've said - I'm her big bro. 46 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,760 I'm David. 47 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,400 So what, you didn't fancy it in there? You weren't vibing? 48 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,040 No, I think... 49 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,480 Look, you don't have to explain yourself to me, king. I, ah... 50 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,720 Look, every time I go to a party these days, I'm like, 51 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,160 "OK, hmm, which version of myself am I going to have to 52 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,920 "twist myself into tonight?" 53 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,800 Like, I'm not an Olympian! 54 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,040 Do you know what I mean? 55 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,920 Like, physically. 56 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,760 Or emotionally. 57 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,640 It's like, "Which shade of Callum Brown 58 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:48,800 "are you going to be tonight? 59 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,880 HE LAUGHS 60 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,480 Yeah. 61 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:58,480 No-one ever realises how many shades of brown there really are, you know? 62 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,040 What, no-one? 63 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,280 Beige. 64 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,080 HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS 65 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,320 Khaki. 66 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,600 Taupe. 67 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,760 Ah! 68 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,400 Light brown? 69 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840 It's coming... 70 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,440 Dark brown! 71 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,600 Erm, oh, my God. 72 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:18,840 Smokey topaz. 73 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,200 Umber. Right back... Oh, that was good! 74 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,400 That was quick. 75 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,240 Well, my personal favourite, though, is... 76 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:26,400 BOTH: Tan. 77 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,000 Thank you. 78 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,280 It's my pleasure, Mildred. 79 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,240 Do you know, I haven't been to a party in seven years? 80 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,400 Yeah, I mean, I feel like there's not a huge amount of 81 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,240 parties in Ballymacnoose. No. 82 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,760 No, wait. It was a funeral I was actually at seven years ago. 83 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:45,000 My Aunt Siobhan got her cardigan caught in the axle of a John Deere. 84 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,680 She was still alive when they found her 34 ploughed fields later. 85 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,920 She did die, though. 86 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,960 Still, this is nice. 87 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:57,000 Between you and I, I've been really craving some girl time, so... 88 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,520 I love Lorcan, I really do, but we just... 89 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,320 We spend SO much time together. 90 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,840 Pre-nuptial mingling is akin to sodomy in God's eyes. 91 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,480 No, I know it is, so it is. 92 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,280 Oh, God, I'm doing it again. 93 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,640 Doing what? 94 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,720 It's a real problem that I have, Mildred. 95 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,480 I'm a very intense kind of cat, and whenever I get a new boyfriend 96 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,000 I tend to sort of totally assimilate my personality with theirs. 97 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,840 I've literally only been here a few weeks, and I'm already 98 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,240 talking like Lorcan. 99 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:27,720 That's us now. 100 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,040 Oh, dear. 101 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,840 That's very good. Yeah. Cheers. 102 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,000 High five. 103 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,120 What?! 104 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,440 Well, I see Callum's taken a wee notion on David. 105 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,440 I was scared you'd say that. 106 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,080 Look at his jeans. 107 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,760 I can't tell what's better, 108 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:49,040 the fit or the bloody legs underneath. 109 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,880 Oh, come on, J man. Now, you've a quare set of pins on you too, hey. 110 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,320 Yeah, I know I do. 111 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,920 There's levels to this, Lorcan. 112 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,080 I don't want Callum to replace me. 113 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,800 Well, not that I have any personal experience on the matter, 114 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,400 but sometimes making other friends, it keeps things fresh. 115 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,280 Like an open friendship? 116 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,800 Aye, I suppose you could add that prefix if you like. 117 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,360 Mm. Might keep things spicy in the gaming room. 118 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,360 That's it. Bit of space apart helps all the posies get 119 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,400 their spot in the sunshine. 120 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,320 What the fuck does that mean? 121 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,720 Well, sun helps plants grow, J man. 122 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,560 Could do us all a bit of good meeting new people. 123 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,440 But I think... 124 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:38,560 But my favourite is the little pig and the...horses, but... 125 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:43,920 # I'm scared of losing you... # 126 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,120 Great spot for a piss, Caz man. You nailed it. 127 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,440 Yeah. Uh-huh. 128 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,159 Oh, I am so sorry, mate. 129 00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:55,320 I should've known you'd prefer to go solo. 130 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,280 You go ahead, man. I'll just... 131 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,120 I'll just air right here. 132 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,960 You know, it's a real sign of social intelligence, man. 133 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,000 What, airing my nethers? 134 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,280 No, man. 135 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:09,920 A nervous urethra. 136 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,840 You know, peeing in front of another guy is the ultimate act of trust. 137 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:17,760 It shows you see him as part of your tribe, so... 138 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,640 Yeah, I guess that means I don't have a tribe. 139 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,280 Maybe you just haven't found them yet. 140 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,360 Got to say, that's an impressively long piss you're taking there, D. 141 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,680 Callum... 142 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,760 ..I stopped peeing about 20 seconds ago. 143 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,040 I'll leave you to it, man. 144 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,480 CALLUM LAUGHS 145 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,640 Ah! 146 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,320 Whoa. 147 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,400 Hey. 148 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,560 Who are you? 149 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,440 I'm Jordan. 150 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,000 Why are you dressed like a little boy? 151 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,160 JORDAN LAUGHS 152 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,520 You must be hanging around some pretty cool little boys 153 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,960 if this is what they look like. 154 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,440 What the fuck did you say to me? 155 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,040 Can I show you something? 156 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,480 Go on. 157 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,720 Shhh. 158 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,280 WHISPERING: Assassin's Creed style! 159 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,000 I do actually like those games. 160 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,080 I own all of them, and I'm willing to lend. 161 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,840 Shhh... 162 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,080 To a friend. 163 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,920 You'd not be able to handle my banter. 164 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,520 Try me. 165 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,680 You've got a fat child's face on you. 166 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,159 Too much for you? 167 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,720 No. You sure you can handle this? 168 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,360 Because it's going to get a lot worse. 169 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,760 I can handle it. It's great banter. 170 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,280 What's that chirp, dude? 171 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,600 I said, "It's great banter." 172 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,360 Get your belly out. What? 173 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,760 Get your belly out. 174 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,920 Bit of banter, no? 175 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,000 Look at that. 176 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,320 Like a little baby's belly, 177 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,160 full of fizzy orange and rusks. 178 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,440 Bet you've got a tiny little mickey on you too, do you? 179 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,920 Ah... 180 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,920 LAUGHTER 181 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:15,000 I kind of, like, wish this was, like, a lake. 182 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,040 I know. Like, imagine the skims, like... 183 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,640 LAUGHTER 184 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,040 Ah. I feel loose around you. 185 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,440 I think that's why that's why my body's opening up so cleanly. 186 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,800 Oh, man, don't even. 187 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,840 I feel loose around you too. 188 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,640 Oh, yeah? 189 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,560 Hey, 190 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,679 can I share something kind of embarrassing with you? 191 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,799 Yeah, of course, D. 192 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:37,200 So I, erm... 193 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:42,000 I have something called, erm, mild early onset osteoporosis. 194 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,880 Man, I am so sorry. 195 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,840 No. My lower bone density means that I'm at much greater risk 196 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,520 of high impact injuries. 197 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,880 My bones are essentially like crisps. 198 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,000 Like, falling off of this for me is the equivalent to plummeting 199 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,280 from the top of the Burj Khalifa. 200 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,360 Well, at least it would be, you know, if my condition 201 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,080 wasn't exceptionally mild. 202 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,880 Mm-hm. But still. 203 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,160 It takes its toll up here. 204 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,960 The Damocles sword of a mild health condition. 205 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,520 I know it well, D. 206 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,720 Mild hyperhidrosis. 207 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,640 Permanent layer of sweat on the palms of my hands 208 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,440 day and friggin' night. 209 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,240 I didn't realise...that. 210 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,960 Hm. 211 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,320 Oh, Gemma, let me do that for you! 212 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,360 It's fine, Lorcy! 213 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,200 I can't be having my wee English rose wilting in front of the oven. 214 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,160 It wouldn't be very civil of us now. 215 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,320 Lorcy, I said it's fine, so it is! All right, OK. 216 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,000 Let me know the ground rules and I'll get things going here. 217 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,280 Is it the key's in the hat there, free play? 218 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:01,960 And what's the stance on rubbers? 219 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,280 GEMMA SIGHS 220 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,280 It's not an orgy, Mr Boggin, 221 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,440 so it isn't! 222 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,640 Is it not? 223 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,040 MUSIC: Let Me Breathe by Matthew Goodman and Matthew Bento 224 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,360 Right. 225 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,440 I'm away to kill a pig. 226 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,000 Enjoy yourselves, folks. 227 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,160 I heard that, Gemma. 228 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,600 What? Hi. 229 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,120 You're correlating to our vernacular. 230 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,040 What? No... No, I'm not, so I'm not. I... 231 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,800 LORCAN LAUGHS 232 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,440 Honestly, darling, hearing our phraseology through you, 233 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:34,680 it's like hearing a pauper's ditty sung by the Queen herself, aye. 234 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,240 Yeah... Yeah, it's great. It's... 235 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,880 It's really great. 236 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,520 Ah! When two become one. 237 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,560 # You know your energies get the best of me 238 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,960 # If you just help me rest to ease 239 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,400 # Help me breathe... # 240 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,720 You know, life's too frickin' short to not just be wanting 241 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,080 to live it to the max every day. 242 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:57,120 Yeah! You know, like, sod my bones, sod your sopping hands, like... 243 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,200 HE SIGHS 244 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,280 So do you want to get this party kicking or what? Like... 245 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:06,920 What are those, D? 246 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,440 They're just natural vitamins. 247 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,160 I work for a health start-up in East Croydon, OK? 248 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,400 We granulate them ourselves. 249 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,800 It's part of my, erm, osteoporosis research, 250 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,680 or whatever you want to call it. 251 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,920 OK, so they're like St John's wort? 252 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,360 Yeah... Yeah. 253 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,720 Erm, I don't know... 254 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,080 Don't do anything you don't want to do, like... 255 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,800 No, it's, ah... 256 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:34,040 Well, look, I've already pissed in front of you, D. 257 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,720 In for a penny? 258 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,760 In for a pound! 259 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,760 HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER 260 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,160 Down the hatch. Down the hatch. 261 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,760 Ah! Ah. 262 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,160 So how much stronger are they than St John's wort? 263 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:58,440 MUSIC: Hot City by Choppersaurus 264 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,600 # Oh, yeah 265 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,040 # Ooh, ooh 266 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,120 # Are you looking for some action? 267 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,640 # Well, tonight's the main attraction 268 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,000 # When you feel the heat 269 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,560 # You gotta hit the streets... # 270 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:36,360 You're going to make a fortune from these natural vitamins, man! 271 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,320 LOUD MUSIC 272 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,320 What's actually in them? 273 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,800 MDMA and ketamine. 274 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:50,200 MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED 275 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,120 # Whoa! # 276 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,320 DAVID GIGGLES 277 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,560 Sorry for being so weird. 278 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,760 I think it's just the Class-A drugs that you gave me. 279 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,280 Hey! Yeah. 280 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,160 No. No, well, let's... 281 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,840 Well, let's... Just have a smoke of this. Ah... 282 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,840 And that's going to even you out real quick. 283 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,080 Mm. 284 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,600 Lovely. 285 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,960 Yeah? 286 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,880 How's that feel? Is it, like... 287 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,200 ..better? 288 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,760 Hmm. 289 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,080 Erm... 290 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,320 Help me. 291 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,720 Help me. 292 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,280 Yeah. Well, I'm a chemist by trade, of course. 293 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,280 Oh! And now I realise why you're having such a bad reaction. 294 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,720 Hm? It's your sweaty hands, mate. 295 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,720 Hyperhidrosis is caused by an overactive 296 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,040 sympathetic nervous system, right? 297 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,280 Hm. OK, so you've ingested MDMA, ketamine and weed 298 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,680 through an already overactive sympathetic ganglia, OK? 299 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,040 But you need to stop worrying because I know exactly 300 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,880 what's going to help. 301 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,120 Yeah? 302 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,560 We're a tribe, right? 303 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,640 Yeah. 304 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,200 God, that's wet. 305 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,760 God, that's wet. 306 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,760 HE HUMS A TUNE 307 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,680 I realised I'd accidentally inseminated 308 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,960 a Dexter Dwarf with the jism of a Belgian Blue. 309 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,840 The poor girl had to birth a calf four times her own size. 310 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,280 Gemma, darling... Not now, Lorcy! 311 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,600 So the forceps shattered under the pressure. 312 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:30,200 And so I phoned my cousin Eugene, who has famously thin arms, 313 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,680 fetched a bucket of machine lubricant... 314 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,240 Can I borrow your ear for a wee sec? 315 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,640 Oh, my God, Lorcan, please, can you just be quiet?! 316 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,960 Yeah. I'm trying to have a conversation with my friends. 317 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,080 LORCAN SCOFFS 318 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,080 These are your friends? 319 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,080 Yes. Lorcy, you have your friend group. 320 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,760 I have my friend group. 321 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,160 Mildred and I, we're actually... 322 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,880 We're going to go Tayto World next Tuesday, aren't we, Mildred? 323 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,240 I don't want to do that, no. 324 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,080 But, Mildred, I... 325 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,040 ..gave you a friendship bracelet. 326 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,960 Well, what's it doing on the floor? 327 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,800 Why... 328 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,600 Why aren't you wearing it? 329 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,560 Mildred? 330 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,760 Well, it's no Tayto World, but I might have something else 331 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,360 that could cheer you up. 332 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,520 Gemma... 333 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,880 ..would you make me the happiest spud in the sack 334 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,360 and accept this key to Boggin Manor, hey? 335 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,400 What? 336 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,960 Well, I know you've been saying the flat's a bit cramped lately 337 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,000 with Georgina and I, and it's got me thinking, 338 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,880 "There's so much space on the farm." 339 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:30,920 Like, Georgina could be out 340 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,800 having little Charlotte's Web-style adventures. 341 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,360 Aye, we'd have to keep her away from certain buildings, like, 342 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,920 namely, the abattoir, you know, and... Lorcan, I... 343 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,600 But, more than that, Gemma, 344 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,040 we spend about 18 hours a day together. 345 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,440 Yes, Lorcan, that is exactly the problem. 346 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,440 Those pesky six hours apart, 347 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,160 they're a 'hing of the past! 348 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,240 From now on it's just going to be me and you, Georgina, 349 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,440 my da, all day, every day, 350 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,040 forever and ever and ever. 351 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,640 So what do you say, darling? 352 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,520 Oh, Lorcan, I'm so sorry, but the answer is... 353 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,880 ..no! 354 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,480 Intra-anal, er... 355 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:22,280 Intra-anal cannabinoidal absorption method, yeah. 356 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,720 Intra-anal... 357 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,000 HE RETCHES 358 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,720 ..cannabidoidal absorption method. 359 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,240 Maybe a glass of water instead, David. 360 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,200 No, no, no, we need that THC in your vagus nerve, fast. 361 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:39,160 And the quickest way to do that is through your anus. 362 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,320 Yeah, I'm just not sure. 363 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,640 Caz, I'm going to need you to relax. 364 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,080 Please. OK? Look... 365 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,600 I'll tell you something else. 366 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:56,200 You can relax that nervous urethra and let the floodgates open. 367 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,600 Because I will never let you 368 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,080 get caught with your trousers around your ankles. 369 00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:05,880 Right. 370 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,160 You're a king. 371 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,520 Am I? 372 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,160 You're a king. 373 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,160 HE LAUGHS WEAKLY 374 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,599 Hey... 375 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,000 You're a king. 376 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,440 HE BREATHES SHAKILY 377 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,280 Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's fine. 378 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:40,760 I was just doing manly stuff, 379 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,200 like thinking about driving a car. 380 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,720 I'm so jealous of you and Callum's friendship. 381 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,040 Yeah, right. 382 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,600 No, I mean it. 383 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,200 I don't think I've ever seen two fully grown adult men 384 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,200 in such a close relationship who weren't also sucking each other off. 385 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,560 Do you know what I mean? 386 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,680 I'm going to stop you right there. 387 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,000 We were in such a close relationship. 388 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,520 He's got new friends now. 389 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:10,280 Well, not even Mildred wants to be my friend. 390 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,720 She's so boring. 391 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,120 You've already got the golden goose. 392 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,720 I mean, what I would do to spend that amount of time with Lorcan. 393 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,640 Mm. Yeah. 394 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,120 Lorcan's amazing. 395 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,920 He's got great hair. 396 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,880 He's so kind-hearted. 397 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,800 He's like a...a beefy Jesus Christ. 398 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,480 And he has a massive cock, so he has. 399 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,840 Why am I not surprised by that? 400 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,600 But I need friends, too. 401 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,880 Maybe we could be each other's friends. 402 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,800 WHISPERS: Yeah, right. Yeah. 403 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,080 Yeah, that'd be... 404 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,400 That'd be so great. 405 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,840 LAUGHING: Mad. 406 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:48,960 LAUGHING: Yeah. 407 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,320 Yeah, I could really use a friend right now. 408 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,680 As if. 409 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,720 BOTH LAUGH WEAKLY 410 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,640 You know, I think this might be the first time 411 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,400 we've ever talked to each other directly. 412 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,840 Can you make a promise? 413 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,880 Yeah. 414 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,120 I've never talked to a girl before. 415 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,280 I'm afraid of them. 416 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,480 WHISPERS: Please, don't tell the boys. 417 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,520 WHISPERS: I swear, I won't tell a soul. 418 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,600 Hey, look, give me your hand. 419 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,040 Check it out. 420 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,360 Oh... Oh, yeah. 421 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,560 THEY LAUGH 422 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,560 That's so cool. Yeah, cool, right? 423 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,960 I think I owe you two an apology. 424 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,000 For neglecting my brother while smothering my lover. 425 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,880 I think it's time we got things back on track around here. 426 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:47,000 What do you say? I think that sounds like a good plan, so it is. 427 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,680 Hi. 428 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,680 THEY GIGGLE 429 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,720 I feel a lot better about losing my best friend to your brother now. 430 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,480 Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about him. He is mad. 431 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,440 Aye, he's some character. 432 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,960 No, I mean it. He's...he's insane. 433 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,440 He's really unwell, actually. 434 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,760 I...I probably should have been keeping an eye on him, 435 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,440 but I just got caught up in everything. 436 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,360 Yeah, I think he might have been giving Callum hard drugs, actually. 437 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:08,600 Oh, my God. 438 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,040 He's doing it again. What's that? 439 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,840 My brother, he has a very peculiar and specific obsession, 440 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,600 so he has. Well, what is it? 441 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,800 We need to go find Callum. We need to go find him right now. 442 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,560 Come on, come on, come on, let's go. 443 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,760 Thank you. 444 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,200 Callum! 445 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,760 David! 446 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:33,920 Callum! Callum! 447 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,760 David? 448 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,400 Callum? 449 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,640 Callum! Callum! Callum! 450 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,360 David! 451 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,080 Callum! Callum! 452 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,880 Oh, my God! 453 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,200 Gemma... DAVID: Incredibly impressed. 454 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,400 No... 455 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,040 Fuck's sake, David. 456 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,800 CALLUM MOANS 457 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,560 You are doing so incredibly well, it's blowing me away. 458 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,360 It was the one thing I asked you not to do. 459 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,160 Hey. Yeah? Gently inhale in through your perineum. 460 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,160 Gently, gently. That's all you've got to do. 461 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,400 I don't know if I can do that. Of course you can. 462 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,080 I've been so impressed with you so far. 463 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,440 Just let your sphincter do its work. 464 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,800 I'm trying. 465 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,240 HE MOANS 466 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,520 Gemma, is that the thing? 467 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,320 Yeah. OK. 468 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,920 Yeah, that is weird. Mm-hm. 469 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:33,200 HE MOANS AND SOBS 470 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,800 # I'll carry your love 471 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,440 # I'll carry your love 472 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,600 # I'll carry your love 473 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,600 # All the way home. #