The Celibacy Club will now come to order.
Let's start the meeting by reading the minutes
from last week's meeting where we read the minutes
from the previous meeting,
and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature
of her relationship with Finn.
Questions somebody still refuses to answer.
And I will continue to refuse to answer them
because they are none of your business.
All I will reveal
is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.
Me, too. Finn is kryptonite, which is
why I am focusing all my energies now on my songwriting.
Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired
that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option
for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy,
and for those who are older
and are terrified of the hose monster.
I have a little bit of club swag here
that I think's really gonna catch on. Ready?
Chastity charms.
We hand out the little hearts, but not the key.
That way, nobody can open the lock forever.
And ladies, that's what keeps us safe.
I have some questions.
Some things that I... I'm curious about.
No, no, no, why be curious?
No, wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right?
Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know.
Maybe even later!
Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!
Synced By YesCool Corrected by icephoenix www.addic7ed.com
I'm just so disappointed.
Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.
I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms
as clip-on nipple rings.
I know preaching abstinence is hard,
but I've seen how a teen pregnancy
can turn a kid's world upside down.
So keep fighting the good fight.
And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy
an option for these kids.
I don't know, hot stuff.
Sounds pretty lame...
Holly! What are you doing here?
Subbing. The health and wellness teacher's out
with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.
- Oh, it's so good to see you! - You, too!
Oh, this face, this face!
Oh. Oh, this is...
Emma.
- Emma, Emma Pillsbury. - Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you.
- This is Holly Holliday. - Hi, Holly.
Have a seat here.
- Oh, thank you. - Wow!
So, I'm curious why you don't, uh, think
that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.
Oh, I do. I think it's a valid choice.
I just don't think it's that realistic.
You know, it's like saying
vegetarianism is an option for lions.
I just read in the newspaper that ninety high school girls in
a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months!
I mean, it is Tennessee, but still.
We've got to shake things up, you know?
Information is power. Oh, and by the way, Will,
some of your Glee kids are the most clueless.
Demonstration: This is a condom,
which can help prevent the spread of HIV,
which can lead to AIDS,
and it also prevents pregnancy.
Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad!
- We've got to educate these kids. - I strongly disagree.
I don't think that we should barrage these kids
with graphic information. They're kids.
I don't want to steal their innocence.
Are you, like, some kind of crazy Pope lady?
Think about the images that these kids are exposed to.
I mean, think about what they have access to.
That doesn't make it okay.
And it shouldn't change the message
that they get from us, which is this is serious stuff
and it's not for kids and it's not for adults!
Okay, well, I think that's a little naive.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have crazy sex,
because I'm crazy informed about it.
Kidding.
- Hasta luego. - Hasta luego.
Oh, man.
Hey, Britt-britt. So listen.
How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening,
get our cuddle on?
Look, I'd really like to get my sweet lady-kisses on,
but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
I think I have a bun in the oven.
Please don't tell anyone.
- Okay? Especially Artie. - Yeah, sure.
Your secret's safe with...
Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.
- It was only a matter of time. - For what?
Brittany to get pregnant.
- Oh. Congratulations. - For what?
Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo.
You're gonna be a baby daddy.
All right, folks.
Regionals is in a week.
It's time to get deep into our set list.
Artie?
You okay?
My life is over.
How am I supposed to support a baby?
How could you not tell me about this?
Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?
Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie.
I didn't want to upset you.
I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off.
I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Um... Babies don't get dropped off.
Wait, Brittany. Have you been to a doctor yet?
That's the only way to be sure.
I don't need to go to a doctor.
I just need to look outside my window.
Three days ago,
a stork built its nest on top of my garage.
I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready
to bring me my baby.
I know where babies come from.
And that's when I realized you were right.
Let's go. Health and wellness Jazzercise class!
Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys?
You see? We have really got to educate these kids.
How are we going to do that without being too graphic?
Breathe it in.
I want to educate them, not titillate them.
Didn't you ever read Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook?
It's all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food
so that you can trick kids into eating what's good for them.
Shake it!
Ah! And loose.
I'm not following.
It's Jazzercise, Will. It's really not that hard.
- No. - Grease it.
I'm still talking about the vegetable hiding.
All I'm saying is
all we have to do is find a way to sneak in
the sex education lesson in a less provocative way.
And stretch.
Oh!
- You guys were awesome. - Yeah!
How good do we feel?
Are we sweating? Yes!
Next week, we are going to talk
about the power of muscle testing.
Yeah? Bye. Love you.
Okay.
Here's what I think you should do.
Let me come into Glee Club this week
and I'll show you what I mean.
The kids will think that they're getting ready for Regionals,
but really I'll slip in a little lesson
about how to avoid STDs.
And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?
Um, right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.
Mmm.
That's a waste of some fine man-butt.
Sexy.
I really hope that's not one
of the requirements for Regionals,
because with Berry in those tights,
- we don't stand a chance. - No, this isn't
about Regionals. I'm less worried
about that right now and more worried
about the fact that it's become clear to me
that some of you have been lacking
when it comes to understanding the...
The, uh...
The intricacies of adult relationships.
Yeah, anyways...
Along with preparing for our Regional next week,
I want to spend the week educating ourselves
about some of these... intricacies.
Is this the appropriate forum for that?
Look, whenever we had, uh,
issues in the past that are on our minds
or giving us problems,
it's always helped us to sing about it.
So this week I have invited a special guest.
Miss Holiday.
Hola, clase.
Oh, no. It's the salad lady.
Okay. So sex...
It's just like hugging, only wetter.
Yeah, it is.
Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn.
Is it true
that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant
via hot tub?
I have always been dubious.
And Brittany,
you think that storks bring babies?
I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now.
Because today, we are gonna get under the covers
all together
- and get the ditty on the dirty. - I'm so turned-on right now.
Uh, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?
Oh, well, I admire you.
Although I think you're naive
and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.
I think this is a good time for a song.
Oh, yes. Okay.
- Okay. - Rule number one:
Every intimate encounter that you're ever going
to have in your life is going to start with
a touch. Hit it!
♪ We've been here too long ♪
♪ tryin' to get along. ♪
♪ Pretending that you're oh so shy. ♪
♪ I'm a natural ma'am, ♪
♪ doin' all I can. ♪
♪ My temperature is runnin' high. ♪
♪ Cry at night. ♪
♪ No one in sight. ♪
♪ And we got so much to share. ♪
♪ Talking's fine ♪
♪ if you got the time, ♪
♪ but I ain't got the time to spare. ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do you want to touch... ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do you want to touch me there? ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ Do you want to touch... ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do you want to touch me there? ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ There, yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Every girl and boy ♪
♪ needs a little joy. ♪
♪ All you do is sit and stare. ♪
♪ Beggin' on my knees. ♪
♪ Baby, won't you please ♪
♪ run your fingers through my hair? ♪
♪ My, my, my, whiskey and rye. ♪
♪ Don't it make you feel so fine? ♪
♪ Right or wrong, ♪
♪ don't it turn you on? ♪
♪ Can't you see we're wasting time, yeah? ♪
♪ Do you want to touch... ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do you want to touch me there? Where? ♪
♪ Do you want to touch... ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do you want to touch me there? ♪
♪ Where? There. ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪
♪ Touch me there... ♪ ♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ You know where... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪ ♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪
So just remember
whenever you have sex with someone,
you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with.
And everybody's got a random.
Don't you think it's time for the Warblers
to do a Joan Armatrading medley?
Um, I'm not so sure people know who that is.
Well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sweet Porcelain.
Coach Sylvester.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just picking up some coffee.
I like my enemas piping hot.
Actually, boys, I heard
that this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come
in a spirit of fellowship.
As you no doubt have heard, I've taken over
for the coach of Aural Intensity.
We heard you pushed him down the stairs.
No, you can't prove that.
This is just sort of how she talks.
So, I happen to have some top secret intel.
Will Schuester has finally realized
that his team's Achilles' heel
is their utter lack of sex appeal.
The New Directions are getting sexy.
And the key to Regionals is out-sexing them.
And I suspect
that the judges are scoring extra for it this year.
So, Porcelain,
quid pro quo:
What do you have for me?
I'm sorry, Coach, but you and are not in cahoots.
Probably should have nailed that down
before I gave you my top secret intel.
Porcelain,
you just made a powerful enema.
We got to hold an emergency meeting.
- Why? - Weren't you listening?
The judges at Regionals have an eye out
for something new, which means...
The Warblers got to do something sexy-fied.
I am very disappointed in you, Will.
Letting Holly come in and just
teach the Glee kids about... stuff.
I mean, why didn't you just pair them up, huh?
Rent them a bunch of motel rooms?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had no choice, Emma.
These kids are totally unprepared.
Look, in the spirit of fairness,
why don't you and the kids in your Celibacy Club
come in and do a number?
What, like, sing?
Yeah. We're trying to teach through song.
And yours can be a counterargument to Holly's.
Well, I look forward to the opportunity
to nail her to the wall.
You know what I mean.
Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.
You're finally going to let me motorboat those twins?
Remember I told you I had a master plan? Here it is.
Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape
of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?
If this is going where I think it's going,
I may need to sit down.
Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer.
I just want to be famous.
Doing that number for Glee Club
was my first step toward being a star.
I want to be like a Kardashian.
I want a TV show and a fragrance.
It'll be called Zizes,
and the slogan will be "You just got Ziced!"
I'm not sure I heard that last part right,
'cause I'm getting a little light-headed,
but if we make one of those tape, that means...
Wow. If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive
as your skills at deduction, I'm in for a wild night.
I would like to welcome the ladies
of our sister school, Crawford Country Day.
As you know, the Warblers are competing
in our show choir's Regionals competition next week.
So, what we're going for here
today, ladies, is something a little...
A little sexy.
But we need your input.
Are we scream worthy?
Do we make your knees turn to jelly?
So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls,
'cause we're about to rock your world.
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na... ♪
♪ Here we are again. ♪ ♪ Na-na, na-na... ♪
♪ I feel the chemicals kickin' in. ♪
♪ It's getting heavy, and I wanna run and hide. ♪
♪ I wanna run and hide. ♪ ♪ Na-na, na-na... ♪
Ooh!
♪ I do it every time. ♪
♪ You're killin' me now. ♪
♪ And I won't be denied by you, ♪
♪ the animal inside of you. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, what are you waiting for? ♪
♪ Take a bite of my heart tonight. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, what are you waiting for? ♪
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
♪ Say good-bye to my heart tonight. ♪
♪ Hush, hush, the world is quiet. ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh... ♪ ♪ Hush, hush, we both can't fight it. ♪
♪ It's us that made this mess. ♪
♪ Why can't you understand? ♪
♪ Whoa, I won't sleep tonight. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪ ♪ Some more... ♪
♪ Oh, oh, what are you waiting for? ♪
♪ Take a bite of my heart tonight. ♪
♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪ ♪ Some more... ♪
♪ Oh, oh, what are you waiting for? ♪
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
♪ What are you waiting...? ♪
♪ Here we go again. ♪ ♪ Oh, oh... ♪
♪ Here we go again. ♪
♪ Oh, oh. ♪ ♪ Here we go again. ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
♪ Say good-bye to my heart tonight. ♪
Call us.
Sweet, but not on your team.
Are you okay?
You kept making
those weird faces the whole song.
Those weren't weird faces.
Those were my sexy faces.
It just looked like you were having gas pains
or something.
Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals
and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal
and knowledge as a baby penguin?
We'll figure something out.
I want to talk to you about something.
I really like when we make out and stuff.
Which isn't cheating, because...?
- The plumbing's different. - Mm-hmm.
But when Artie and I are together,
we talk about stuff, like feelings.
Why?
Because with feelings, it's better.
Are you kidding?
It's better when it doesn't involve feelings.
I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.
I don't know. I guess I just don't know how I feel about us.
Look...
Let's be clear here.
I'm not interested in any labels,
unless it's on something I shoplift.
I don't know, Santana.
I think we should talk to somebody.
Like an adult.
This relationship is really confusing for me.
Breakfast is confusing for you.
Well, sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's salty.
Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?
Those linens are incredible.
I know. Is that Egyptian cotton?
Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?
It classes it up.
If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!
Touch me.
We're not putting any of that stuff in ours.
- Well, maybe... - Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out? - Uh, yeah.
Lauren and I are gonna make a sex tape.
So I can get a recording contract.
Wow. Okay.
Well, first, can I just say
that I'm very impressed by not only your ambition,
but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies?
Easy to be comfortable when you look this good.
- You know what I mean? - Agreed.
Uh, now for the downside.
Are you aware that because you're under eighteen years of age,
making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty
of child pornography?
Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right?
These things just... They never work out well.
My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.
- Thanks, Miss H. - Later, dudes.
Ladies.
Miss Holiday, we need your help.
So, why are we sitting on the floor?
'Cause we're in Japan.
No.
Welcome to my sacred, sexy sharing circle.
I want to thank you guys for confiding in me,
'cause I know this is tough.
And I want to ask both of you
if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.
I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, who knows?
I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys.
I've made out with a mannequin.
I even had a sex dream about a shrub
that was just in the shape of a person.
Hmm. Well, we've all been there.
I went to an all-girls college
where the only industry in the town
was the manufacturing of softball equipment.
I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco.
Ooh!
Anyway, it's not about
who you are attracted to, ultimately.
It's about who you fall in love with.
Well, I don't know how I feel,
because Santana refuses to talk about it.
Okay, well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard,
so I have an idea.
Why don't you guys find a song
and see if maybe the lyrics of the song could help you
start a dialogue going?
I could be down with that.
I have the perfect song.
There's just one problem, though.
Brit and I may need your help to sing it.
I thought you'd never ask.
All right, so give me sensual.
But don't make fun of it. Like, really try.
Okay. Now give me... sultry.
Um, Kurt, they're all sort of looking the same.
That's because the face I'm actually doing is uncomfortable.
This is pointless, Blaine.
I don't know how to be sexy,
because I don't know the first thing about sex.
Kurt, you're blushing.
I've tried watching those movies,
but I just get horribly depressed.
And I think about how they were all kids once,
and they all have mothers.
And, God, what would their mothers think?
And why would you get that tattoo there?
Then maybe we should have a conversation about it.
I'll tell you what I know.
I don't... I don't want to know the graphic details.
I like romance.
That's why I like Broadway musicals,
because the touch of the fingertips
is as sexy as it gets.
Kurt, you're going to have to learn about it someday.
Well, not today.
I think I've learned quite enough for today, thank you.
I think you should leave.
So just nice and easy. I don't want
to go too far away from the original version.
Since when do you need help
singing in front of the Glee Club?
Oh, it's not about the singing.
I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss" into a tango.
Just want to make sure it's appropriate.
"Kiss" as a tango?
That's awesome and ridiculous.
Anyway, I want to do this right for the sexy lesson.
So picture us
in the auditorium, big backdrop,
lighting, costume, the whole thing.
Hit it.
♪ Uh! ♪
♪ You don't have to be beautiful ♪
♪ to turn me on. ♪
♪ I just need your body, baby, ♪
♪ from dusk till dawn. ♪
♪ You don't need experience ♪
♪ to turn me out. ♪
♪ You just leave it all up to me. ♪
♪ I'm gonna show you what it's all about. ♪
♪ You don't have to be rich ♪
♪ to be my girl. ♪
♪ You don't have to be cool ♪
♪ to rule my world. ♪
♪ Ain't no particular sign ♪
♪ I'm more compatible with, ♪
♪ I just want your extra time ♪
♪ and your... kiss. ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Women, not girls, rule my world. ♪
♪ I said, they rule my world. ♪
♪ Act your age, not your shoe size. ♪
♪ Not your shoe size... ♪
♪ Maybe we can do the twirl. ♪
♪ You don't have to watch Dynasty ♪
♪ to have an attitude. ♪
♪ You just leave it all up to me. ♪
♪ My love will be your food. ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ You don't have to be rich ♪
♪ to be my girl. ♪
♪ Don't have to be cool to rule my world. ♪
♪ Ain't no particular sign ♪
♪ I'm more compatible with, ♪
♪ I just want your extra time ♪
♪ and your ♪
♪ kiss. ♪
I am so into you.
- Don't be. - Go out with me.
Oh, you don't want any of this.
I'm damaged goods.
Yes, it makes me terrific in bed,
but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you
into Wasa crackers.
Oh, I think I can handle it.
You married your high school sweetheart,
and then you went out with a virgin.
It's a great song.
You don't need me, though. The kids are going to love it.
Need a hand?
Yeah, why don't you hand me that carburetor?
How'd you know which one it was?
My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy
in our driveway two summers ago.
One of his many attempts at bonding.
- You here looking for parts? - No, actually.
I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.
Is he okay?
Have you ever talked to him about sex?
Are you gay or straight or what?
- I'm definitely gay. - Okay. Good.
I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh...
You know, good for Kurt.
He needs someone like you to talk to.
Well, that's kind of my point.
I've tried talking to him,
but he basically puts his fingers in his ears
and starts singing.
Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.
I'm worried that it might be too late.
You know, Dalton doesn't even have sex ed classes.
Most schools don't, and the ones that do
almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids.
Kurt is... is the most moral,
compassionate person I've ever met.
You know, he gets that from his mother.
And... And I am blown away by your guys' relationship.
You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars?
I think he did it
because he thought getting my hands dirty
might make me straight.
You know, did he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?
No. I had to go find it for myself.
The Internet is great, and all the information is out there,
but I went searching for it.
Kurt won't.
And one day, he'll be at a party,
and maybe have a few drinks
and then he'll meet some guy and start fooling around.
And he's not going to know about using protection
or STDs.
I don't have the relationship
with my dad that you have with Kurt.
I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that.
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.
You are.
♪ I took my love and I took it down. ♪
♪ I climbed a mountain and I turned around. ♪
♪ And I saw my reflection ♪
♪ in the snow-covered hills. ♪
♪ Well, the landslide brought me down. ♪
♪ Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? ♪
♪ Can the child within my heart rise above? ♪
♪ Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? ♪
♪ Can I handle the seasons of my life? ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪ ♪ Oh, oh... ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪
♪ Well, I've been afraid of changing ♪
♪ 'cause I built my life around you. ♪
♪ But time makes you bolder. ♪
♪ Children get older. ♪
♪ And I'm getting older, too. ♪
♪ Well, I'm getting older, too. ♪
♪ So, take this love ♪
♪ and take it down. ♪
♪ Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around. ♪
♪ And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills... ♪
♪ Well, the landslide brought me down. ♪
♪ And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills... ♪
♪ Well, maybe... ♪
♪ The landslide will bring you down. ♪
- Is that really how you feel? - Uh, yeah.
Thank you.
Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right?
I wish you and I were that close.
Can I just applaud this trio
for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm?
Brava. Brava.
Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany
doesn't mean that you can put a label on me.
Is that clear?
This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order.
Before we begin, I would just like to start
by congratulating you by reminding you
not one member of this club
has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year.
You get tenses for menses.
I'd also like to welcome our newest member,
Noah Puckerman.
- Are you lost, Noah? - Yeah, you don't belong here.
You're the biggest French whore of them all.
Zizes and I were going to make a sex tape.
I found out that
making that tape would have resulted in my arrest.
I've hit rock bottom,
and I've come here to set myself straight.
That's just awesome, Noah.
And you're just in time, because tomorrow
the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club
extolling the benefits of celibacy.
I'm down for that.
Point of order, though.
While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night
in the Puckerman bedroom,
it's not the best balance for singing.
We need at least one more dude.
I've got that covered.
♪ Gonna find my baby, ♪
♪ gonna hold her tight, ♪
♪ gonna grab some afternoon delight. ♪
♪ My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right." ♪
♪ Why wait until the middle of a cold, dark night? ♪
♪ When everything's a little clearer in the light of day ♪
♪ and we know the night is always gonna be here anyway. ♪
♪ Thinking of you's working up an appetite. ♪
♪ Looking forward to a little afternoon delight. ♪
♪ Rubbin' sticks and stones together ♪
♪ makes the sparks ignite. ♪
♪ And the thought of lovin' you is getting so excitin'. ♪
♪ Skyrockets in flight, ♪
♪ afternoon delight. ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
♪ Afternoon delight. ♪
- Hi. Um, Holly here. - Yeah?
So I'm a little confused.
Isn't this a strange song for the... the Celibacy Club to sing?
But why?
It's so wholesome.
It was written during the Bicentennial
to celebrate America and fireworks...
No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner.
Yes. Exactly!
A nooner's when you have dessert in the middle
of the day, right?
Right, Carl?
Well, regardless...
It was a great job, guys. Great number.
It was... It was fantastic.
Hey, Glee Club, let's go.
Miss Holliday? Excuse me a second.
Miss Holliday?
You're still the, um...
You're still the acting sex-ed teacher, right?
You know it, brother.
Uh, you don't happen to have any office hours, do you?
- Sure. - Afternoon Delight is a dessert.
It's made with coconut and pineapple
and marshmallow fluff.
I think Emma and I need an appointment.
What are those?
Those are some pamphlets that I picked up from the free clinic.
I thought it might help the process along,
because it is time you and I had "the talk."
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.
- You told me to educate myself. - La, la, la!
- Hey, you think this is easy for me?
- La, la, la, la! - Okay, believe me,
I want to do this even less than you do.
This is going to suck for both of us,
but we are going to get through it together,
and we will both be better men because of it.
Now, first, most of the, um...
mechanics of what you're going
to be doing is covered in the pamphlets.
Okay, so, I want you to read them, and then I want you to come talk
to me about it.
Deal?
Okay.
All right. Now. Hey, sit down.
We're just getting started.
All right.
You know, for most guys, sex is just... You know...
It's this thing we always want to do.
You know, it's fun.
It feels great.
But we're not really thinking too much about, you know,
how it makes us feel on the inside or, you know,
how the other person feels about it.
Women are different?
Only because they get that it's about something more
than just the physical.
You know, when... When you're intimate with somebody
in that way, you're exposing yourself.
You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable,
and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys.
Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got
who have gotten in way too deep with a girl
who said she was cool with just hooking up.
But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
No. It's going to be worse.
Okay? Because it's two guys.
With two guys,
you've got two people who think that sex is just sex.
It's gonna be easier to come by.
And once you start doing this stuff,
you're not going to want to stop.
You just... You've got to know that it means something.
You know, it's doing something to you,
to your heart, to your self-esteem,
even though it feels like you're just having fun.
So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
I think on your thirtieth birthday, it is a great gift to yourself.
Kurt...
When you're ready...
I want you to be able to...
Do everything.
But when you're ready, I want you
to use it as a way to connect to another person.
Don't throw yourself around
like you don't matter.
'Cause you matter, Kurt.
Is that it?
That's it. For now.
Can I make you some toast?
I think I'll take it up to my room
to eat while I look over my new pamphlets.
- Thank you, Dad. - You're welcome.
Now, I hear you guys are having some problems.
- I wouldn't call them problems. - No, we are.
We really, really are. We're having problems.
When is the last time that you...
- Never. - I beg your pardon?
We've been married four months
and we still haven't done the deed.
Girlfriend, what is up with that?
He's hot!
You're thirty.
I haven't felt comfortable.
- So... - Well, what is it that you do?
Um, okay...
So we cuddle a lot.
- A lot. - A lot.
- We cuddle too much. - Oh, well, no...
- We're... We're cuddle monsters. - Okay. Okay.
We... We watch the Housewives shows,
which are so, so racy. Racy!
It's not like I haven't tried. I try.
I've made her romantic dinners.
I give her roses,
and every time I try to touch her...
That happens.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, look. I am not a doctor, okay?
I don't even like doctor TV shows.
Unless it's one of those ones where people strap bombs
to their chest. Love those.
So I would like to ask you a question,
and I want you to answer it very seriously.
Are you still in love with Will Schuester?
You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing,
but I was afraid to ask it.
- Um... - Are you?
I feel very confused about my feelings.
- Okay. - I'm sorry.
No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo,
and I'll be at the Radisson.
Thank you, Doctor.
Not a doctor.
Could you please, please not tell Will about this?
- No, of course not. Of course not. - Okay.
- My lips are sealed. - Okay, thank you.
Just like your legs!
Oh. Ha. Kidding!
God. That was rude.
Why did I say that?
See, a real doctor would never have said that.
Whew.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Can we talk? - But we never do that.
I know, but, um, I wanted to thank you...
for performing that song with me in Glee Club.
Yeah.
'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking.
What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time.
I'm a bitch because I'm angry.
I'm angry because I have all of these feelings...
Feelings for you... that I'm afraid of dealing with,
because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences.
And Brittany,
I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.
I understand that.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?
Not really.
I want to be with you.
But I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks.
I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.
But, honey... If anybody were to ever make fun of you,
you would either kick their ass
or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.
Yeah, I know. But...
I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back.
Still, I have to accept...
that I love you.
I love you.
And I don't want to be with Sam or Finn
or any of those other guys.
I just want you.
Please say you love me back.
- Please... - Of course I love you. I do.
And I would totally be with you,
if it weren't for Artie.
Artie?
I love him, too.
I don't want to hurt him, that's not right.
I can't break up with him.
Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.
But it wouldn't be right.
Santana, you have to know...
If Artie and I were to ever break up,
and I'm lucky enough that you're still single...
Don't.
I am so yours.
Proudly so.
Yeah, wow.
Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck?
I'm sorry. Don't...
- Get off me. - I'm sorry.
Nerd.
Whoa! Why you gotta hate?
You joined the Celibacy Club?
What the hell?
I thought you and me were an item. Lauren.
Stop. I need to talk to you about something.
I realized something lately.
I do a lot of stupid things.
Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack.
I'm about 90% sure it's still in there.
I don't think about consequences.
And while I used to think that made me cool,
now I just think it makes me a loser.
I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you.
Next to dropping my afternoon deuce,
it's my favorite part of the day.
So I'm making a change.
And if that makes me a nerd, fine.
I really do have the urge to punch you.
If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I'm in.
Nerd.
I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.
Where's Ms. Pillsbury?
She decided to take the hour she was spending here
to use it to fix her sham of a marriage.
In the interim, I'll be taking over.
Because you annoyingly take over everything?
Because I realized that
while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful,
one day we're going to fall in love with someone,
and we're going to choose to be intimate with them.
Speaking of being intimate... What's with the hickey, Quinn?
It's not a hickey.
Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freakin' connoisseur.
I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.
I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.
The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub
to keep you from getting burnt.
No.
I was sure I was caught.
What was that?
Is that your mom?
She's at work. She won't be home for hours.
Divorce rules.
Come here.
Ooh!
I'll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.
This is so awesome.
We have two months until Prom, so we have plenty of time
to campaign for Prom King and Queen.
But that's not all this is about, though, right?
Look, I made a mistake with Puck.
You should have been my first.
This is where I belong.
- With you. Okay? - Okay.
Hey, hot stuff.
Holly. Hey.
I'm just, uh, walking through some choreography.
Got Regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure
all the dances are what I like to call "Finn-proof."
Oh, well, I won't keep you.
I just, um, just came to say good-bye.
I'm going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.
Really?
Yeah. There were some parent complaints.
Apparently, my cucumber demonstration
made it impossible to watch VeggieTales
the same way ever again.
I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.
Uh, wow, I...
I really don't want to say good-bye.
Then maybe we shouldn't.
Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on
made me realize how closed off I've been.
I'm getting older, too. Maybe I should try
a relationship that lasts more than thirty-six hours.
You're serious?
Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you
kinda made me jealous...
- Wait, what? - Oh, nothing.
I know a lot about sex, Will, but...
Maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance.
Well, I don't know if you've heard...
But I happen to be an excellent educator.
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