Three weeks since opening, and I'm the toast of the town.
Signatures at the stage door,
across-the-board raves, and I don't want to jinx it,
but there's even rumors of a Tony nomination.
Look! That homeless guy is sleeping on my face!
New York really is where dreams come true.
And now he'll wake up to find
one of his dreams came true, too.
And this is just the beginning.
That's what my team told me when I signed
with a top-five talent agency, ICA.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There must be a mistake.
This is Fanny Brice. I'm supposed
to be meeting Rachel Berry.
Hi, Mr. Rivkin.
Rachel...
we at Innovative Creative Artists are so excited
to go to work for you.
We want to be in the Rachel Berry business.
And I'm not just talking about me.
I'm talking about your whole team.
You got Mark and Matt and Sheila and Joe.
Although they're not to be trusted, okay?
I just... I'm your point person.
- I just want you to deal with me, okay? - Oh. Okay.
Okay, okay, great. So,
let's talk about your future!
Yeah. What does Rachel Berry want? Because...
she can have it.
Well, um, I guess I want to have
a good run with the show,
I-I don't know, maybe parlay this into a movie career,
or get onto a big hit
TV show, so... Uh-huh, great, great, great. Rachel,
those are not for you.
What?
Have you ever heard the term, "a face for radio"?
Rachel, you're a rare breed.
I mean, you got talent coming out of your ears.
But you got to remember something... this is TV, okay?
TV, the cameras,
they're this close, okay? They see everything.
Yeah. And movies, the same thing.
It's this close,
except this time...
your face is on a gigantic screen,
so that, for example... and this is just a for-instance...
your nose is gonna be 40 feet tall.
You got to ask yourself... is this gonna work?
And I think the answer is...
no... it won't.
Here's what I see for you.
If we play our cards right,
you could make a killing.
You could be doing Fanny Brice
for five, ten, I don't know, 15 years.
Look at Topol. I mean, he's been doing Tevye
for what, I don't know, what, forever?
Okay? And we're all in agreement on this...
Matt and Mike and Sheila and Joe. Rachel,
for you... the sky is the limit.
But I don't want you talking to them, okay?
I just want you to deal with me, all right?
Sync & corrections by wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com
Did you hear? The whole campus is abuzz.
It's drama school... the students get abuzz
when the snack machine runs out of gummi worms.
June Dolloway is coming!
They're renaming the dance studio after her,
and a select group of students have been asked to perform
at the ribbon cutting.
I'm... sorry, I'm not familiar
with all of the old Broadway stars
we're supposed to worship. Who is that?
June Dolloway! She's not an actress.
She's just, like, the coolest socialite in the world.
She's the widow of Lester Dolloway, the mineral baron.
Her picture's been taken by Helmut Newton.
And she took peyote with Joe Kennedy... allegedly.
- Impressive. - Yeah,
and she's pretty much the patron
behind every artistic endeavor in Manhattan.
Well, we got to make sure you're picked as one of the performers. I already was!
My God, Kurt, that's amazing. I'm so happy for you. Yeah,
I really want to do "Story of My Life" from One Direction.
That's a good song, but that's sung by five different people.
How are you gonna sing all those layers as just one person?
Well, you'll be singing with me.
Come on, we're a team.
We're getting married.
If something exciting happens to one of us,
it happens to the other one, too.
Oh, I love you. Thank you.
Let's go rehearse.
What are you doing home so early?
I thought that you'd be in the recording studio all day.
Yeah, well, my producer just listened to the final cut
of my album, and in his words: "Didn't hear a single."
Now he's worried
that the label won't give it a release date.
Wait. What?
And you're just gonna listen to these morons?
You know, if I don't get backed by the label, that means that
I won't get any promotion, which means I don't get any airplay,
which means I'm just another no-hit wonder.
Well, you would, uh, still be doing
a hell of a lot better than me.
I would kill to be you right now,
thinking about creating
the perfect single to save my record deal.
You know, maybe you can.
What are you talking about?
No, no, Santana, I'm serious.
Remember back in high school, every time we sang together,
it was always magic.
So...
maybe you can help me find some of that again.
♪ Feeling my way ♪
♪ Through the darkness ♪
♪ Guided by a beating heart ♪
♪ I can't tell ♪
♪ Where the journey will end ♪
♪ But I know where to start ♪
♪ They tell me I'm too young ♪
♪ To understand ♪
♪ They say I'm caught up ♪
♪ In a dream ♪
♪ Well, life will pass me by ♪
♪ If I don't open up my eyes ♪
♪ Well, that's fine by me ♪
♪ So wake me up ♪
♪ When it's all over ♪
♪ When I'm wiser ♪
♪ And I'm older ♪
♪ All this time ♪
♪ I was finding myself ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ I didn't know ♪
♪ I was lost ♪
♪ I wish that I could stay forever ♪
♪ This young ♪
♪ Not afraid to close my eyes ♪
♪ Life's a game ♪
♪ Made for everyone ♪
♪ And love is the prize ♪
♪ So wake me up ♪
♪ When it's all over ♪
♪ And I'm wiser ♪
♪ And I'm older ♪
♪ I was finding myself ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ I didn't know ♪
♪ I was lost... ♪
♪ So wake me up. ♪
Great job tonight, Rachel.
Thank you, Barclay. Remember to rest your voice.
We've got two shows tomorrow. All right.
46 down, 5,000 more to go.
If we're lucky. Oh, knock on wood!
Have a great night. Thank you.
Barclay, could I just have five minutes to myself, please?
Oh. I'm so sorry.
Hi, Rachel. So sorry to bother you.
You were absolutely radiant tonight.
I am such a fan.
Thank you so much.
Oh. Uh, Lee Paulblatt.
Hello. Yes, I have been
in love with Funny Girl since I was, like, seven.
A-Are you a friend of Paolo's?
No, no, no, no. Well, I mean, yes.
We did a pilot with him a few years back.
It was a train wreck. It's not Paolo's fault,
but... Actually, it is.
But no, I actually came here to see you.
I'm, uh, Lee Paulblatt.
I'm from Fox, the television company.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just in New York for the up-fronts, and this is the show
that I wanted to see. Oh...
Actually, I wanted to see the Rachel Weisz-Daniel Craig Betrayal...
but that's an impossible ticket to get... and there was this woman in this show
that was just eating candy the entire time... I wanted to punch her in the face...
but I enjoyed it, and you were wonderful.
Rachel...
I have got a pilot that I think you would be fantastic for.
It's called Song of Solomon.
I would love
for you to come in to test for it.
I think you would be perfect for it.
I mean, I close my eyes, Rachel,
and all I see is you in it.
That's how powerful of an image that you created for me tonight
upon that stage.
God, I wish I had a singing voice. I don't.
I'm not allowed to sing... my mother said that...
because I have this... I digress.
Does this sound like something that you would be interested in?
Yes. Of course! Well, great.
Well, we're gonna want you to read with our Solomon,
but, uh, he is in the middle of shooting a feature.
It's a terrible feature.
I don't know why he's chosen to do it.
But I am not his agent.
So, we would need to do it next Tuesday in L.A.
Does that work for you?
Um... no...
Well, Tuesday I have a show, so...
Uh, actually, your understudy has a show on Tuesday.
Ah, just fly out for Tuesday, and do the test, and then you
can hop on the next flight back. Does that work for you?
You know what? I'm gonna leave before you can say no.
That's how I work. Bye.
Hey. This is for you.
Oh, my God, it looks so good.
So, we're a hit?
Oh, come on.
You are so amazing up there! Amazing!
We're gonna run forever.
Thank you, Sidney, and I really... I want to make you proud,
it's just, um... I just, I think I'm feeling, you know,
the wear and tear of the eight shows a week,
and, I mean, I wouldn't want to get sick
- and miss a performance... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no,
no, no, no. You're not gonna...
Put that... put that out of your head.
You're not gonna get sick. Tell you what.
I'm gonna call Dr. Sugarman,
the best ENT in New York.
He's gonna give you, um, a B12 drip, and also,
um, shoot steroids down your throat.
Um, I mean, wouldn't it be easier
for me to just, you know, take a show off?
No, no, no, no. I mean, your understudy is beautiful, she is.
You know, maybe if you, you know,
if your head came off, or there was a... some kind of invasion
of aliens in midtown Manhattan, maybe, maybe.
You are the show,
and the show must go on.
No.
♪ Ooh... ♪
- Where are you going with this... - I'm going ♪ Here... ♪
- That's what you asked me to do. - No. Okay, listen.
I'm not feeling it in here.
Uh, we're on the clock, Mercedes.
If you don't get this track down this week,
you're gonna lose your release date.
Here we go. Okay, listen,
didn't you say that you moved to New York
so that you can get more of a New York vibe?
Well, this...
fish tank could be anywhere... L.A., Lima, Lesbos.
Maybe for your last song, you need to...
get out from behind the glass.
Well, Bruce Springsteen once put a drum set in an elevator
to get a purer sound than in the studio.
♪ Yo, remember back on the bully ♪
♪ When cats used to harmonize like ♪ Yeah.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ Yeah. Yo.
♪ Yo, my men and my women ♪
♪ Don't forget about the dean ♪
♪ Sirat al-mustaqim ♪
♪ Yo, it's about a thing ♪ ♪ Uh, yo ♪
♪ If you feel real good, wave your hands in the air ♪ ♪ Yeah, ah ♪
♪ And lick two shots in the atmosphere ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Been three weeks since you was looking for your friend ♪
♪ The one you let hit it and never called you again ♪
♪ Remember when he told you he was 'bout the Benjamins ♪
♪ You act like you ain't hear him and gave him a little trim ♪
♪ To begin, how you think you really gon' pretend ♪ ♪ Pretend ♪
♪ Like you wasn't down then you called him again ♪
♪ Plus when you give it up so easy ♪
♪ You ain't even fooling him ♪
♪ If you did it then, then you probably do it again ♪
♪ Talking out your neck sayin' you're a Christian ♪
♪ A Muslim sleeping with the gin ♪
♪ Now that was the sin that did Jezebel in ♪
♪ Who you gon' tell when the repercussions spin ♪
♪ Showing off your ass 'cause you're thinking it's the trend ♪
♪ Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again ♪
♪ You know I only say it 'cause I'm truly genuine ♪
♪ Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem ♪
♪ Baby girl, respect is just a minimum ♪
♪ Minimum ♪ ♪ Brother's messed up and you're still defending him ♪
♪ Now, Lauryn is only human ♪
♪ You don't think I been through the same predicament? ♪
♪ Let it sit inside your head like a million women in Philly, Penn ♪
♪ It's silly when girls sell their soul because it's in ♪
♪ Look at where you be in hair weaves like Europeans ♪
♪ Fake nails done by Koreans ♪
♪ Come again, yo, when, when ♪
♪ Come again, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Come again ♪
♪ My friend, come again, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, uh ♪ ♪ Guys ♪
♪ You know you better ♪
♪ Watch out ♪
♪ Some girls, some girls are only ♪
♪ About ♪
♪ That thing, that thing ♪
♪ That thing ♪
♪ That thing, that thing, that thing ♪
♪ Watch out, watch out ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Look out, look out ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Watch out, watch out ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Look out, look out ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Girls, you know you better ♪
♪ Watch out ♪
♪ Some guys, some guys are only ♪
♪ About ♪
♪ That thing, that thing ♪
♪ That thing ♪
♪ That thing, that thing ♪
♪ That thing. ♪
Oh, my God, D'Shon, we need to get that sound in the studio.
Oh, no, no. We're gonna record your last song
down here in this dungeon.
I mean, it's ballsy, but it's got
that unique thing we were talking about.
Mercedes Jones, you got yourself an album.
Kurt, this TV show
is a huge opportunity.
All you've been talking about for years
is getting on Broadway. Well, now you have.
You've made it. You're that one-in-a-million girl
who actually did it.
Look, every single person that works on Broadway
wants to make it in TV or film. And if you think about it,
some of Hollywood's greats were plucked from the stage.
Hugh Jackman, Diane Keaton,
Meryl Streep. Meryl.
And how many of them quit their shows
less than a month after opening night?
I'm not quitting. No w...
I am not quitting, okay?
It is, like, just an audition. I'm actually doing something
really nice for my understudy. I'm just gonna,
like, take a sick day.
You mean lie? Look,
if someone came to you at NYADA right now
and asked you to audition for this TV show,
tell me you would say no.
Fine. Go for it.
But just don't lie to Sidney Greene.
You'd just be asking for more trouble.
Yes, hello, this is Rachel Berry.
Uh, Berry. With a B.
Yes, hi, uh, I would just like to, uh,
confirm my audition, please.
Good evening. Tonight,
please welcome to our newly christened
Dolloway Dance Lab, our guest of honor,
Mrs. June Dolloway.
Oh, she's stunning.
Modern American royalty, look at her.
Two of our finest
have been selected to perform for you.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.
♪ Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain ♪
♪ I leave my heart open ♪
♪ But it stays right here empty for days ♪
♪ She told me in the morning ♪
♪ She don't feel the same about us in her bones ♪
♪ Seems to me that when I die ♪
♪ These words will be written on my stone ♪
♪ And I'll be gone, gone tonight ♪
♪ The ground beneath my feet ♪
♪ Is open wide ♪
♪ The way that I've been holding on too tight ♪
♪ With nothing in between ♪
♪ The story of my life, I take her home ♪
♪ I drive all night ♪
♪ To keep her warm, and time ♪
♪ Is frozen ♪
♪ The story of, the story of ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ I give her hope ♪
♪ I spend her love ♪
♪ Until she's broke inside ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ The story of, the story of ♪
♪ And I've been waiting for this time ♪
♪ To come around ♪
♪ But, baby, running after you ♪
♪ Is like chasing the clouds ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ I take her home, I drive all night ♪
♪ To keep her warm, and time ♪
♪ Is frozen ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ I give her hope ♪
♪ I spend her love ♪
♪ Until she's broke ♪
♪ Inside ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ The story of, the story of ♪
♪ The story of my life ♪
♪ The story of, the story of ♪
♪ The story of my life. ♪
Oh, I want to thank you. Thank you.
I love your youthful energy.
Oh, thank you. - You know,
I have a very discerning and tasteful eye
for the extraordinary.
And I love to hone it like a rough diamond
until it sparkles.
I have a good feeling about you.
Would you be so kind as to escort me to the
SoHo Center for Outsider Art next week?
And then we can
discuss your future
over a $25,000 plate of rubber chicken.
Oh, my good...
A-Absolutely. I would love to. I-I am your lump of coal.
Mm. Not you, dear.
You.
Sorry.
***
I just didn't have the 25 grand it would cost.
I don't know, maybe I should just stay home with you
and watch Scandal.
Would you stop it?
I'm a little jealous, but I'm not resentful.
All right? I-I'm genuinely happy for you.
I just feel like being one of June's projects
is gonna take up a lot of time.
I especially don't want a friend that's gonna
keep me away from you.
Well, June isn't exactly a friend.
Yeah, you're probably right.
How do I look?
Like Montgomery Clift.
What?
Before the accident.
Oh, thank you.
Try to have fun tonight, all right? And don't worry about me.
Remember, whatever door June opens for you,
I'll be right there next to you walking through it with you.
You're taking one for the team.
I love you.
Who are all of these people?
This is the one percent of one percent.
Never have so many boring and rich people
found themselves grouped together in such a space.
He thinks someone like you is too fabulous to have friends.
No, I... My friends are why I'm fabulous. Andrew.
This is Blaine.
Hi. Pleasure.
No, friends are everything.
You are the company you keep.
That is why, Blaine, if I'm gonna launch your career
and make the world know who you are, we have to be friends.
I have to know you, spend time with you, know what you like.
It's the only way I can really serve you, you see.
What-What is the take?
Holding steady at two million.
Two million?
Has anybody told them
the recession is over?
I can't force them to give, June.
No.
Okay. We have to inspire them.
Um, where... where are you going?
I'm gonna go earn our supper.
Okay, everybody. Now, settle down.
Now, you know that I've been to all of your events
and I've written some pretty fat checks myself, correct?
So tonight is your opportunity to return the favor.
And when I say fat,
I mean "Fatty Arbuckle fat."
I-I don't mean
fat as in your chubby first wife.
Now, you're gonna get something for the money.
Believe me. I have something special.
Blaine, come up, please.
I want to introduce you. Blaine Anderson.
Blaine... Blaine here is my new discovery.
And, as you all know, I'm never wrong. So...
♪ Oh, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Didn't I make you feel ♪
♪ Like you were the only man? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Didn't I give you nearly everything ♪
♪ That a woman possibly can?
♪ Honey, you know I did ♪
♪ And each time I tell myself that I ♪
♪ Well, I think I've had enough ♪
♪ But what I'm gonna show you, baby ♪
♪ Is that a woman can be tough ♪
♪ I want you to come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ And take it ♪
♪ Take another little piece of my heart now, baby ♪
♪ Oh, oh, break it ♪ ♪ Break it ♪
♪ Break another little piece of my heart now ♪
♪ Darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Have a, have another little piece of my heart now, baby ♪
♪ Well, you know you got it, child ♪
♪ If it makes you feel good ♪
♪ I need you to come on ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Now give it ♪
♪ Give another ♪
♪ Little piece of your heart now ♪
♪ Baby ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Break it, break another little piece of your heart now ♪
♪ Darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Have a ♪ ♪ Have another little piece of your heart now, baby ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You know you got it ♪
♪ Child, if it makes you feel good ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh. ♪
Look, they just want a great song from me, okay?
They don't care how I give it to 'em. Just trust me.
Hey.
Did I get the days mixed up?
I was expecting you tomorrow. Well,
Santana and I were talking, and we were thinking...
that that song we're looking for is a duet.
And don't just say no,
because we sounded great.
On a Lauryn Hill song, yeah.
But I liked the song we had.
We just needed a new take on it, which is what we got.
You, pure, raw, underground.
Yeah, but the take that I want
is a duet with me and my girl.
Uh...
look, Mercedes, I know this is your friend...
and you got something...
but this is your calling card.
This is going to be your story.
Introducing another voice,
how do we sell that?
Think Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
Mercedes, I think that we should go.
I'm just trying to protect you.
But it's my album. Okay, look,
if you're really into doing a duet,
let me make some phone calls, let me call in some favors,
let me get you with Katy, let me get you with Carly,
let me get you with Alicia. Let me get you with someone
more famous than you that can actually help you,
and Santana can sing backup.
And if everything goes like it's supposed to,
then we revisit this
on your follow-up album.
Yeah, you know what?
I think that he's right.
This is your big chance,
and it should be all about you, you know?
And I really appreciate what you tried to do for me here,
but I know what I would do if I was in your position.
I'm just not worth it.
Santana...
Sidney...
I know I said I would never miss a show, but...
I just saw my doctor, and he said that I have the flu.
The flu? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know I was starting to feel run-down.
Why does this always, always happen to me?
I'm sorry. Do you think my understudy Wendy can do it?
Well, if I have to, uh, I have to.
But, uh, nobody can replace you, Rachala.
You're my... you're my star, you're my show.
I-I'm gargling with a magical mouthwash,
and-and I'm-I'm gonna dry up my sinuses with a humidifier,
and I will do my absolute best to be better in 24 hours.
Ah.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Rachel Berry,
- who is taking Broadway by storm. - Hello.
Uh, this is Andrew Cosgrove. He is our Captain Solomon.
Hi. I'm Rachel Berry. Hi.
- Rachel, you ready? - You bet.
Ah.
Hello. I'm Rachel Berry, and I will be singing
the seminal Bette Midler classic, "The Rose."
♪ Some say love ♪
♪ It is a river ♪
♪ That drowns ♪
♪ The tender reed ♪
♪ Some say love ♪
♪ It is a razor ♪
♪ That leaves ♪
♪ Your soul to bleed ♪
♪ Some say love ♪
♪ It is a hunger ♪
♪ An endless ♪
♪ Aching need ♪
♪ And the ♪
♪ Soul ♪
♪ Afraid of dying ♪
♪ That never ♪
♪ Never learns to live ♪
♪ When the night ♪
♪ Has been too lonely ♪
♪ And the road ♪
♪ Has been too long ♪
♪ And you think ♪
♪ That love is only ♪
♪ For the lucky ♪
♪ The lucky and the strong ♪
♪ Just remember ♪
♪ In the winter ♪
♪ Far beneath ♪
♪ The bitter snows ♪
♪ Lies the seed ♪
♪ That with the sun's love ♪
♪ In the spring ♪
♪ Becomes the rose. ♪
Excuse me?
Yes.
- Uh, that was beautiful, - Thank you.
um, but we-we really don't
need you to sing.
- Oh? - Yeah,
this show is not a musical.
Did you not read
the script?
I'm-I'm sorry. I-I didn't... I didn't get a script.
- I just saw the title, The Song of Solomon. - Oh, Rachel,
that's my bad. I'm going to fire my assistant.
Song of Solomon
is a sci-fi space opera.
Oh. Okay. Andrew here plays
Captain Dax Anderss, uh, who pilots his ship,
the Solomon, across the Andromeda Galaxy
with, uh, Galadriel the Starmorian... that's you...
Okay. searching for the Drax Flute,
Right. which he needs to use
to play a song implanted in his head by his father
that he believes will open a wormhole
back to his home planet.
Okay! Yeah. Okay.
It's sort of like Guardians of the Galaxy
meets Game of Thrones.
Okay. With a strong
Grey's Anatomy element.
Yeah. That's what mostly... really excited about that.
Great. Love that show.
Andrew, let's take it from, uh...
Let's just try the first scene
in the engine room, okay?
Great. Okay.
You gonna just stand there, or are you gonna pass me
the warp-core?
Would you care to explain what went on back there? Oh, don't
play coy, Galadriel.
You Starmorians may like to beat around the bush,
but I always prefer a straight shooter.
Then let me be perfectly clear.
I am not just some space trash
you picked up in the Triangulum Sector.
I am a princess of the royal house of...
I'm sorry, Antrya...
Antyrexx, but make it your own. Stay in it. Antyrexx. I'm just gonna
pass by it. We'll talk about it later. Okay.
I am not the last... Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
I-I am the last Starmorian,
and I will not risk my life
and the future of my people
because of some dream locked in your head
and a flute...
and a flute that will never avenge
the destruction of my planet.
Lately, I've only dreamt of one thing.
And that's doing this.
Mmm.
Okay, uh...
next scene? No, thank you so much, Rachel.
So, so great.
I think, uh... Yeah,
I think that we've seen all we need to see.
Great. Thank you.
Okay.
I can't believe it.
That was seriously the worst audition ever.
What?
Rachel. Hi, Sidney.
Look, before you say anything, I just... I felt really bad
after our last conversation, and, you know,
I want to reiterate to you my commitment to Broadway
and to the show, and-and I wanted to tell you
what-what an honor it is working for you
and-and being in Funny Girl. And, you know, I was thinking
about playing Fanny night after night after night,
and I honestly... I just... it made me feel so much better.
Oh, I'm so relieved. I'm so relieved to hear that, Rachel.
Listen, um, your understudy today during rehearsal
fell off the lip of the stage.
You fell off the lip of the stage. Oh, no...
Now, look, hydrate yourself, okay?
And then come to the theater, 7:30.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no. Taxi?
Taxi!
Take me to the airport!
So I said to Prince Faisal,
"What do you think this is, a quarter horse convention?"
I want to be you when I grow up.
Why? What do you find so attractive?
Tell me. Is it the fame?
Is it the power?
Is it the money? What is it?
No, it's-it's the life.
I mean, how did you manage to find yourself
in the center of all of it?
You attract in what you put out.
So if you put out charisma
to every person you meet,
the universe will see to it that it comes back to you.
Because like attracts like.
That's why I'm so in like with you.
Oh, my God. I just...
I can't believe that you see me that way.
Okay, so we're going to do a show,
showcase your talent.
It'll be the biggest event the whole year.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
That-that's huge.
I just want to shine a light on what the world should see.
Well, I-I would just have one request.
I would love it if we could have Kurt
in the show, too. We really want to do everything together,
and I think that the world really needs
to see his talent, too.
No, I don't think the world needs to see that.
Well, then I-I don't think I could do it.
Stop.
Blaine, I've been in and out of love
more times than you've had breakfast.
I know you're not asking me this,
but I am telling you.
You should break off that engagement.
I love Kurt.
Well, of course you do.
I loved Richard Burton and Howard Hughes.
So what? That's what we humans do.
We fall in and out of love.
We break each other's hearts.
The first time, you always think it's the most important,
but that isn't true.
It's the test.
So you have to make a decision.
Are you gonna settle,
or are you going to venture out into the unknown
like a samurai, and realize your full, full
potential?
Excuse me, sir. Why is there a traffic jam?
Because there's always a traffic jam.
Interesting story.
In 1950s, all the hot-shot automakers
allegedly banded together and got rid of the trolley cars.
And that's what inspired Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Uh, I'm sorry. Remember that?
Excuse me.
I have to make a flight at the airport,
10:00 a.m. to New York.
I have to make it. I'm in a Broadway show.
I have to get there.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Hey, I'm an actor, too.
I played a john on The Client List.
This seat belt is stuck.
Hey, girl. How's it going?
Oh, my God, Kurt, I am dead. I am so dead right now.
Okay, Sidney is expecting me at the theater,
and my understudy cannot get on,
and-and I'm not gonna make it
until after the curtain goes up.
Well, this is a disaster!
You have to call Sidney right now and tell him the truth!
What? No! And-and ruin my TV and my Broadway career all at once?
Kurt, you have to help me! Please!
What is that?
It's a contract, and you need to sign it
so that we can get to work on our duet.
Okay, you know what? You are literally insane.
You need to take this contract, rip it up,
apologize to D'Shon and do that song by yourself.
Listen, I want my album to be the best,
and, Santana, you make me better.
Rachel... she's great, but we both know
who the top bitches of that glee club were.
Point taken.
And I want to help you.
Yeah, but, see, um, I think that I've proven
that I'm not the world's best friend.
You might be a work in progress,
but I think you're worth the wait.
You know, this is the nicest thing
that anyone has ever done for me.
I know. I'm awesome, huh?
Do either of you
look at your phone?
Rachel is stuck in L.A., okay?
We have to delay tonight's performance until she gets back.
Okay, I'm thinking maybe like a bomb threat,
or maybe like a bed bug scare, or...
or maybe I run out in the lobby, and I'm, like,
"Hey, Barbra's in the park, and she's doing a concert for free!"
Please stop. Just stop. All of your ideas are horrible.
Well, do you have a better one? Because, I mean,
if Rachel doesn't get back in time, she could get fired!
No one is gonna get fired.
And yes, I actually do have a better idea.
Ooh! What a night, right?
Hold that. Um,
I didn't want to alarm you,
but I didn't know who else to call.
How is this possible?
Um, she's right in there.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm going on as Fanny.
I thought you quit.
I guess I could quit again if you want
to spend the next couple of hours handing out refunds.
Where's Rachel?
She's not here, but...
I am, and trust me, Sidney, I've got this.
So, I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone
by thanking you for keeping me from getting fired
and humiliated by making sure the show wasn't canceled.
I cannot believe they didn't can you anyway.
Yeah, well, they still might.
I e-mailed Rupert and Sidney
and explained the whole situation to them,
and all I got back was an e-mail saying
that I had to come in for a mandatory meeting tomorrow.
You're so screwed.
Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know.
At least I'm not going to be, like, sued or anything
for all of the tickets that they would have had
to refund if the show had been canceled.
Don't sweat it. I had a blast, actually.
I mean, that Broadway stuff is fun
if you only have to do it once.
So, what's the, uh, second bird?
Well, I mean, I wanted to see what you wanted in return.
Is that the kind of friend that you think that I am?
Yeah. Okay. Look, I get it.
I get how I could come off that way,
but let's just use this as an example
of the kind of friend that I'm trying to be now.
Okay.
Well, why the sudden thawing of your icy heart?
Well, because I realized
that the world is even colder than I am.
You know, and the only thing that you can do
to keep from freezing to death is
have good friends around you to keep you warm.
So, I decided that I want to use
my bitch powers to protect the people that I care about.
And I guess that means that I care about you.
Don't tell anyone.
I won't.
Okay. I made it in time
for the second act, and you were really good.
Thanks.
I just can't believe I screwed it all up.
I mean, I had everything, and
all my dreams had come true,
and I threw it away.
And for what?
Nothing.
Listen, I don't know what Sidney is going to do to you tomorrow.
Maybe he'll fire you.
I know I would.
But I also know that you are the type of person
that can't be held down.
You're this huge talent.
It's like Russell Crowe and Johnny Carson.
No matter how awful you are,
people are always gonna want to work with you.
That was kind of nice, I think, but...
You're a really good friend, Santana.
Oh, I'm gonna take this all for myself.
Finally, I get some alone time with you on the couch.
I feel like I haven't seen you in days.
Well, you keep telling me never to say no to June.
Well, you never know who she might introduce you to
who could help us in our careers.
I mean, literally, all her friends are rich and famous.
By the way, I'm upset with you.
Why? Because
you haven't filled me in on any of the gossip.
You spend six hours a day with her,
and I have yet to receive one text being, like,
"Hey, I'm talking poverty with Bono," or-or tales
of lunch at Balthazar with Karl Lagerfeld or Condi Rice.
It's not like that at all.
It's-it's just me and June.
Well, is-is she being inappropriate?
Because I draw a line.
What? No. Gross. Not at all.
Then what is it?
Um, well, we're, um, planning a... a show.
It's just like a one-night-only showcase.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
Why didn't you tell me?
I just wanted to make sure that your part was more fleshed out.
I get to be in it?!
But I-I thought she hated me.
Well, she doesn't hate you.
You're such a sweetheart!
Oh, like, okay, okay.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the surprise.
Oh, okay, I'm not gonna ask you anything else, but
I am... I am dying to know
what I'll be doing.
Oh, I love you so much. Oh.
Rachel, have a seat.
Mr. Greene, I just... I really wanted to apologize
for how everything turned out.
Oh, please. It's okay.
As you young people say, "I totally understand."
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you wanted out of a performance,
and I told you "no" in no uncertain terms.
Mr. Greene...
Let me finish.
You lied to me.
You know, I'm disappointed.
Now, I personally feel betrayed.
But I'm not going to fire you.
- Oh. Really? - No.
I wanted to fire you.
I spent all day trying to fire you.
I spoke to Rupert, the other investors,
and they all agreed
that you're an ambitious, irresponsible child.
What can we do?
You're our star. We need you.
Well, Mr. Greene, I... I know I made a mistake,
but I had an opportunity come my way,
and I just... I thought...
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you thought.
I've seen this all the time,
and let me tell you something, Miss Berry.
You aren't some Broadway legend.
If you ever
pull something like this again,
I will not only fire you;
I will sue you back to the stone age
for breach of contract.
And you'll never be able to work on Broadway again.
Your reputation...
will not exist.
Get the hell out of my office.
Hello?
Hi, Rachel. Lee Paulblatt.
Yeah, I've got some bad news.
As you're aware, that, uh, was not a great audition.
There were some girls who just came in
and knocked it out of the park, so,
the bottom line is that,
unfortunately, you did not get the part.
I know, Mr. Paulblatt.
Thank you for the opportunity.
But I've also got some good news.
Rachel, I mean, clearly,
Song of Solomon was not the right project for you.
But when I said that you were
a once-in-a-generation talent, I meant it,
which is why I want to give you a development deal.
Are you serious?
I don't... I don't even know what that means.
We want to create a TV show around you, Rachel.
We don't know what it is,
but, uh, oh, we'll figure that out.
Are you serious?
Yes, Rachel, I am serious.
I've got a writer in mind I want to pair you with.
You don't even have to leave New York.
We're sending her to you.
Mr. Paulblatt, I... I.. I-I don't even know what to say.
Just say thank you. Congrats, Rachel.
Celebrate with your friends. We'll be in touch.
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