Who dares disturb Doom?
Disturb? Never!
Entertain is what I, the Ringmaster, do,
oh great Doom.
I seek only to...
Oh! Is that a snuggly-wuggly?
Oh, yes. A bankie, but with sleeves.
Truly, an Afghan worthy of my evil genius.
My armor is powerful, yes.
But cozy? No, not cozy at all.
What do you want?
Only to serve, oh, potentate in polar fleece.
You have been going about your search
for the powerful fractals all wrong.
Doom, wrong?
By wrong, I mean brilliantly right.
However, I have a new method of doing it right.
I liberated this divining rod
from one of my sideshow fortune tellers.
It is magically enchanted to jerk when it points at a fractal.
It does what?
I just told you... Jerk.
That didn't come out right at all.
No, so why don't you put it back in?
I couldn't believe my eyes when I read your file.
Wolverine, surely you know the importance of a good education.
Hey, I got an education, Cap.
Just no diploma.
A little thing called the Shi'ar alien invasion
came along before graduation day.
Kind of shredded the cap and gown.
What? Clothes?
Reptil's laundry.
Kid's not great about doing his chores.
Why, that's un-American. Oh!
Well, at least he goes to school, Mr. Dropout.
S.H.I.E.L.D. requires all of you Squaddies to have a diploma.
Do you know what that means?
Oh, Cap, please don't say it.
Please.
Wolverine, you're going back to school.
No!
Seriously, I'd rather get invaded.
No!
With that Infinity Sword, I will rule the universe.
All right, Squaddies! Time to Hero Up!
I hate those Squaddies.
Reptil!
I have had it up to my anodized neck with you.
Why are there dirty dishes in your quarters?
But Iron Man, you told me not to leave them in the sink.
We clean as we go, little slobasaurus.
Huh? I never see Hulk cleaning.
Ha.
Oopsie.
Well, not since we lost deck five, no.
We all do stuff we don't want to, kid.
Don't believe me? Just watch me go back to school.
-Hey, what are you doing in there? -You invited me.
-Please, can I come to school? Please? -No.
-Please? -No.
Oh! I want to meet the X-Men.
They're, like, my all-time favorite heroes!
No. The last thing I need is to baby-sit a bed wetter
while I'm getting my mind remolded.
Oh, let him go.
Maybe a semester with Professor X will pound some discipline into him.
Ugh. Ow.
Don't get so excited. This ain't no country club.
-Are those tennis courts? -Yeah.
So, my frisky fractal finder,
this school is where we shall find our prize, eh?
Well, if we want to get in good with Doom,
we must conduct our search unnoticed.
Fortunately, the Ringmaster is also a master of disguise.
Welcome to the Xavier School for Gifted Children.
I know. The X-Men are the most gifted super-team ever.
Class, I'd like you to give
an extra-special Xavier School welcome
to our old alumnus Wolverine,
and his guest, Reptil.
The X-Men! I'm your biggest fan.
I can't believe I'm finally meeting you.
Hey, Storm,
you didn't tell me you were still in school.
I shouldn't be, but evidently,
not all of my overseas credits transferred.
Hey, Reptil. Darn glad to meet you.
You must be Jean Grey, head cheerleader.
-You wish.
I'm the only cheerleader.
Watch the nails.
This is Iceman, alleged class clown.
She sure gave you the cold shoulder.
Get it? Too fast for you?
I am being exchange student, Colossus.
Football am enjoying me, very, very much. Good times.
People, people!
I know you think that running
and jumping and fighting villains and monsters
is really cool,
but it can't hold a candle to the exciting world of civics.
Between you and me, even old Doomie himself
couldn't come up with a better torture.
Sorry, Prof.
Oh, my clever disguise as a harmless old lunch lady is perfect.
Ah! And my divine divining rod tells me a fractal is nearby.
Oh, what a nice-looking bunch.
That desk!
There must be a fractal inside.
Now, to get one of these weird-looking students
to do my dirty work.
Look into my hat.
You are getting sleepy,
sleepier than you normally are in civics class.
Hey, that's a cool...
Good. Now, you will obey me.
Find some subtle way of searching your teacher's desk.
Well, I suppose to a boy in a blue spandex unitard, that is subtle.
Who did that?
You know better than to think the X-Men would ever rat on...
He did it! It was him! Totally guilty!
Really? Cyke's what you call a paragon of virtue.
Indeed. He would never consider pulling a childish prank like that.
Ah, read his mind. Go ahead, read his mind.
Hello in there.
He has no memory of that act,
or anything.
Ha, mutant teenagers.
Look, he's an X-Man,
and I may not be worthy to clean the stuff out of his toenails,
but I saw what I saw.
Perhaps my rod was wrong this time,
but that fractal is here, and I'm going to find it,
even if I have to reduce this entire school to rubble.
I don't believe it.
The X-Men, decorating for homecoming?
Not exactly what I'd call hero work.
School spirit is super-important work.
These streamers aren't going to hang themselves.
Snikt, snikt, snip.
You got to make an effort, Scaly.
That's what makes me the best there is at what I do. Whoa!
Hi, there.
What? In that locker?
All right, we'll try it your way.
Hey, pom-pom princess.
Over here.
Boing. I am totally hypnotized.
Now, ransack these lockers, and be quick about it.
Oh, okay.
But first, we need the perfect cheer.
Whoa!
I don't want to die for an extracurricular!
My adamantium kisser!
-There goes on my head!
Pterodactyl wings!
This will slow things down.
Gotcha.
American tornado drill?
Very good!
Where is it? Where is it?
Nothing but candy wrappers and teen magazines.
Would you knock it off, pom-poms?
Another bizarre attack.
Who could be behind this?
Cheerleader. She did it. Right there.
-Inconceivable.
Jean is our squeaky-clean pep rally princess,
incapable of mischief.
-Just look at her.
Huh? Wolverine, you've got to believe me.
Something weird is going on.
Kid, I've known the X-Men since you were in little dino diapers.
Who should I believe? Them or you?
You fractal-blocked me one too many times, meddlesaurus.
Professor Hair Club.
You're getting sleepy,
and that chair is getting so comfy.
I obey, evil master.
You, principal's office. Now.
What for?
For questioning my arbitrary edict,
I'm sending you to the principal's office.
Can't wait to tell the principal what's going down around here.
-Who is the principal, anyway? -I am.
Uh!
I see.
And these spinning spiral eyes of the perpetrators,
what do they look like?
Well, Professor, they look...
Uh, they look...
Just like that.
Huh! Uh-oh.
The Danger Room?
Also the detention room.
Your punishment is to scrub the walls until they shine like...
Like the top of your head?
You'll regret that remark.
But not for long.
Ah!
Oh, what are you waiting for?
Take off the safety protocols and activate the room.
He does such a good job.
Uh! Fine, I'll do it myself.
And I'm setting it for puree.
-Hey, I was cleaning that.
Triceratops shield!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ay, ay, ay, this is bad.
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, come on!
Whoa!
Holy guacamole.
Ah!
Triceratops horn.
Worst detention ever!
Looks like this time, I'm not going to be saved by...
The bell?
The Danger Room is also the cafeteria.
And the gym, and the glee club practice room.
Oh, well, that explains the dorky smell.
But this room just tried to turn me into a dinosaur smoothie.
I think your old pals are being taken over, one by one.
This again?
Like I told you, squirt, the X-Men are my peeps.
Them, I trust.
Sorry, but I got to jet.
Huh?
What? Only underclassmen geeks eat on campus.
I'm a senior, señor.
Oh!
There you go...
I mean, there you go, dearie.
I'm telling you, guys, something weird is going on.
First, Cyke was taken over,
then Jean, then Professor X. That's three!
Oh, Odin, dva...
Uh, you're right! What should we do?
Thank goodness. Finally, someone sees reason.
Okay, we need to attack this problem calmly,
and not let anything distract us.
Potatoes. I hate potatoes on my head!
Whoa, Colossus, Colossus, stay calm! We need to think.
Calm, da. I am staying calm.
Get ready for meatball special, frosty!
Food fight!
No, no, no, guys!
No food fight! Not now!
Zephyr winds, take these cheese fries!
Here come the four basic food groups!
Whoa!
That's got to hurt!
Oh, how my villainous heart rejoices at the sight
of food being wasted!
Oh, you again.
It's in here now, is it?
You're such a tease.
Oh, well. What have I got to lose?
This looks like a class project.
Hey, kids. Naptime.
We obey.
Hey, I just cleaned that.
Ha, the lunch lady.
I should have known when she gave me seconds on tater tots.
Uh... Mommy.
Nice try, Jurassic boy,
but you forgot to bus your tray.
-Get him! -Whoa!
Ah! Okay, worst lunch period ever!
I got to go find help.
What's the hurry, kid?
Wolverine, the lunch lady is a dude from the circus,
and he's taken over everybody's mind.
You've got to believe me now.
Oh, but I do believe it.
Bub.
Wolverine, not you, too.
Oh, no. I'm caught between a jock and a hard case.
Stegosaurus plates.
Sorry, dino boy. The ice age is upon you.
Get him!
Oh! Whoa!
Hey!
Ankylosaurus tail!
Not Thor's hammer, but it'll do in a pinch.
Oh, well, it was worth a try.
Ornithomimid legs!
Uh, what you think you do with those, boychik?
These babies let me run away!
Ah!
Up to my neck in cleaning supplies, again.
Hey, that's it!
All right, Reptil, time to Hero up.
Where are you, my little Mesozoic meddler?
Free tickets to the circus for whoever finds him!
Ha, don't bother, X-Men!
Ringmaster's circus is the lamest show on Earth.
You only hypnotize people to keep them from walking out.
What? You dare... ...me?
No one... ...the Ringmaster!
It is I who... ...them!
Avante!
Wrong turn, boy.
You're trapped like a prehistoric rat.
You'd better destroy me,
because you sure as heck couldn't hypnotize me with that hat.
I could totally hypnotize you.
It's what I do best.
Yeah, right. I'd love to see you try.
And so you shall.
-Psych! -Oh, dang.
Now, you are in my power.
Yes.
You no longer control the X-Men.
No.
You will cluck like a chicken.
Plymouth Rock or Rhode Island Red?
-Ah, villain's choice. -Thank you.
Well, Ringmaster, looks like you're going to make a great jailbird.
You get it? 'Cause the jailbird and the...
X-Men, laugh like I just said something really funny.
So, look to this day, graduates.
Prof, there's only us. Let's wrap this up.
Ah, right. Back to class, everybody.
Well, junior, what did you think of Xavier's?
I actually learned something.
Like how if you hadn't done a bang-up job polishing those walls,
you'd be a dino burger right now?
Ha, ha, ha.
I learned that I can hold my own against a whole mess of X-Men.
Not too shabby.
And also what a bicameral legislature is.
Well, I learned something, too.
Great as your old friends are,
you still got to listen to the new ones.
Oh, and cafeteria food still tastes nasty.
Poor Ringmaster. What a doof, thinking that dumb stick
would actually point out a fractal.
Good work, Reptil.
This kitchen is immaculate.
The windows are spotless.
The toilets sparkle like General Eisenhower's head.
Well, it's like I always say,
any job worth doing is worth doing well.
Don't I say that?
Yes, master.