- Hi. - Hey.
Who is this little ballerina?
It's Charlie, your fourth and final child, right?
Isn't that dress adorable?
I bought it for her first ballet class,
which you are taking her to, because I have to work tomorrow.
But, honey, I'm supposed to... I'd be happy to.
And I need you to videotape it,
- because I don't want to miss a thing. - But the camera I...
I'd be happy to.
Ballet... what a stupid thing to do.
Actually, your father took ballet in high school.
Great.
Another image to keep me up at night.
Actually, our football coach thought that taking ballet
would help our agility and balance.
Either that or he was just really messing with us.
You should've seen your dad in his tights. He looked hot.
Yeah, the whole idea of "hot"
must've been different in the olden days.
♪ Today's all burnt toast ♪
♪ Running late and Dad jokes ♪
♪ Has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪
♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪
♪ Grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪
♪ There it is, up on the roof ♪
♪ I've been there, I've survived ♪
♪ So just take my advice ♪
♪ Hang in there, baby Things are crazy ♪
♪ But I know your future's bright ♪
♪ Hang in there, baby ♪
♪ There's no maybe ♪
♪ Everything turns out all right ♪
♪ Sure, life is up and down ♪
♪ But trust me, it comes back around ♪
♪ You're gonna love Who you turn out to be ♪
♪ Hang in there, baby ♪
- Uh, Mr. Piper, can I talk to you- - Hold on.
- See, it'll just... - Eh!
Now what is it?
Oh, well, you're gonna laugh when you hear this,
but you actually made a mistake.
So this is where you'd be laughing.
Anyways, um,
see, this answer here? You marked it wrong.
- It is wrong. - But the correct answer is "B".
Yes, but you did not completely shade in the oval next to the "B."
So, it is wrong.
You're kidding, right?
Miss Duncan, I haven't kidded since...
I've never kidded.
Good to know. Um...
So you're gonna, you're gonna change my grade, right?
- No, I'm not. - But that's not fair.
This is me completely shading in
the oval next to "I don't care."
But, uh, that's, that's...
Hmm?
There she is. Happy one-week-aversary.
Oh, PJ, you remembered.
Yeah, and they said it wouldn't last.
They did? Who are they?
No, it's just an expression.
Wow. It's so fun going out with a smart guy.
- I wrote a poem for you. - Oh, let me see.
"P is for the way you play guitar,
J is for the jokes you tell."
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah, the hard part was getting it to rhyme,
so I didn't.
Oh, oh, I have a gift for you too.
- A necklace? - Yeah.
- What's this? - It's a piece of churro.
It is the last bite of the first snack we ever shared.
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Now I'm sad.
What's wrong?
Oh, PJ, you know me so well.
Something is wrong.
My ex-boyfriend keeps texting me. He wants to get back together.
You're wearing my churro. We're at the churro stage.
Well, I'll talk to this guy,
- set him straight. - Would you?
- Yeah. Who is he? - His name's Brock
and he's captain of the wrestling team.
He thinks he's so great just 'cause he's undefeated.
Huh. So he's never lost a fight
and I've never been in a fight.
Huh. We should have lots to talk about.
- See ya. - See ya.
Man, the churro stage is complicated.
- Hello. - Hi.
Mom, could you sign this, please?
- Sure, honey. - Wait a second.
I know that move. She's hiding something.
- No, I'm not. - Then move your hand away.
I don't want to.
A disciplinary notice?
Yes! I knew it!
Finally, Little Miss Perfect did something bad.
Okay, Teddy, honey, what did you do?
What? Nothing. I just got mad at a teacher
because he lowered my grade for not filling in a stupid oval,
so I snapped one of his stupid pencils.
That's it?
I've waited my whole life for that?
Teddy, honey, I'm not hearing that you did anything wrong.
Well, that's because I didn't.
Okay, I'll tell you what. Maybe I should go down
and have a little talk with this guy.
- Oh, no, no, no, please don't. - Why not?
Well, because whenever you get involved
in stuff like this, you turn into...
- Mama Bear? - Mm-hmm.
Is that what you're worried about?
Yes.
Because whenever Mama Bear comes out of her cave,
bad things happen.
Yeah, but they're usually entertaining.
Teddy, honey, I am more than capable of going down there
and having a civilized discussion.
Now who is this teacher?
Mr. Piper.
Ah-ha. Piper. Figures.
Yeah, PJ had him. Gave him an "F"
- when he clearly deserved a "D minus." - Ooh.
Can you please just promise me you won't get involved?
Okay, if it's that important to you, I'll stay out of it.
Mama Bear is going into hibernation.
Well... Oh! Great, she forgot to sign this.
Here, let me have it. I've got her signature down.
Okay. Come on, Charlie.
Come on. Spin. Spin.
Come on, twirl around.
Well, do something cute.
And that's why we need the lessons.
People. People.
Welcome to Miss Donna's school of ballet.
I'm Miss Donna, and I am passionate
about teaching the art of ballet
to the next generation of ballerinas.
Did I get everyone's check?
Very good. Now so the magic can begin,
will the parents please exit to the hallway?
And there's no peeking in the window.
It distracts the children.
Um, um, Miss... Miss Donna?
- Yes? - Hi, Bob Duncan.
Listen, I promised my wife I'd videotape the class.
Well, I'm sure a giant man
with a shiny camera won't distract the children.
Okay, um, look, if I don't get this on tape,
I'm in really big trouble.
It's not my problem you're afraid of your wife.
Okay, I am not afraid.
I just have a very healthy respect.
All right, children,
the first piece we're going to learn today
is called "A Dance To Spring."
If anyone needs to make a doody,
please raise your hand.
Daddy.
- No, dear, I said "doody." - Daddy.
Um, Mr. Piper.
Hi, I'm Amy Duncan, Teddy's mom.
Ah. Teddy Duncan.
She's one of my most...
students.
Right. Um, anyway,
I wanted to talk to you about her last quiz.
Mrs. Duncan, parents must schedule an appointment
for any conference.
Right, and I am so sorry,
but I'm here now during my lunch hour,
so if you could just make an exception.
Oh, let me check over here
where I posted the special rules
that apply only to you.
Oh, look, they don't exist.
At any rate, as you can see by my desk,
I am far too busy right now.
Oh, okay.
Mama Bear just cleared your schedule.
Hey, Gabe, uh, do me a favor...
Listen to this and tell me what you think.
- What is it? - Uh, well, I've gotta talk
to Skyler's ex-boyfriend and tell him to quit bothering her.
Okay, let me stop you right there.
- Go, go, go, go. - What?
Oh, I just wanted to stop you. I'm not interested.
Okay, this is what I'm thinking about saying.
"Hello, Brock, you don't know me,"
but I've heard a lot of great things about you.
If it isn't too much trouble,
could you please maybe stop texting Skyler so much?"
Are you trying to tell him off or invite him to the prom?
Tell him off... Nicely.
So he won't get all punchy and hurty on me.
Then you've gotta be confident!
- Show him you mean business. - Oh, no.
- What are you afraid of? - Well, clowns, spiders, the dark...
No, I mean with Brock.
He's the captain of the wrestling team.
Trust me... all tough guys are the same.
You stand up to them, they'll always back down.
- All right, I'll... I'll try it. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Brock.
This is PJ. Uh...
Skyler is my girlfriend now
and I want you to stop bothering her.
Uh-huh. Works for me. Okay. Bye.
He wants to meet after school.
- To do what? - I'm guessing homework.
He said he was gonna teach me a lesson.
Hi, uh, you wanted to see me, Principal Hibbert?
Yes, Teddy, have a seat.
I want to show you something
our security cameras caught earlier today.
I think you'll find it interesting.
Can we see what else is on?
Shh, shh, shh!
Here's my favorite part.
- Why... why is it in fast motion? - It's funnier that way.
I... I don't know what to say.
There's good news and bad news.
Mr. Piper has agreed not to press charges,
but your mother is banned from campus.
What's the bad news?
Mr. Piper is demanding an apology.
Oh. Oh, okay, okay.
Well, I'll say sorry to him the next time I see him.
Not from you.
Ooh, there's the bad news.
Hey, honey, how was Charlie's first ballet class?
Okay, you're not gonna like this,
but Charlie got kicked out of class because I was videotaping.
But I'm gonna fix it, so please don't yell at me.
Okay.
Cupcake?
That's it? You're not mad?
No! I'm not mad.
Honey, everybody in this family has to learn to be very forgiving people.
What'd you do?
Nothing.
Mom!
Ooh, I think we're gonna find out what "nothing" means.
What's up, sweetie?
I just saw the most interesting nature film...
- Mmm? - In school today.
Yeah, it was about a Mama Bear
that wandered into a classroom and chased a teacher.
That's nice, dear. Cupcake?
No. No, cupcakes only work on Dad.
It's true.
Mr. Piper is coming over tomorrow night
and you will apologize to him.
Fine, I'll apologize.
I guess I got a little bit out of control.
I don't know why I do it. I just lose it sometimes.
Did you see the part where I chased him around the janitor?
You have to admit that was a little funny, right?
Maybe a little.
Miss Donna?
- Oh, Mr. Duncan. - Oh!
Hey, hey. Hi. Huh.
Miss Donna, you know, I was just...
Demonstrating a well-executed plié.
You have some ballet experience?
Oh, it was a long time ago. I don't, uh...
First position!
Second position.
Attitude.
Now give me two grand jetés!
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, all right.
Very impressive.
Thank you, thank you, but really I'm...
I'm here 'cause I'm hoping that you'll let Charlie back in the dance class.
Well, I will if you'll help me with something.
I'm doing some choreography for one of my advanced classes.
Now I'm going to do a stag leap into your arms.
Lift me high
and then release me gently onto the floor.
You know, I... I only had, like, three classes.
Oh, boy!
Miss Donna, are you okay?
My head's in a wall.
Uh, listen, about the Charlie thing,
how are we feeling?
- What's going on? - Okay, so I gave you a little bad advice
about Skyler's old boyfriend and now I'm gonna make up for it.
You bought me a ninja?
- Dude. - This is Matt, my karate teacher.
- Oh. Hey. - How you doing?
Oh!
Matt's made me the most feared kid in the third grade.
- You're in fifth grade. - Hey, one grade at a time.
Anyway, Matt's gonna help you win your fight tomorrow.
All right, PJ, let's see what you've got.
Come at me, all right?
I want you to punch, hit, kick.
I don't... I don't want to hurt you.
That's the whole point of this suit.
You wearing this, can't feel a thing.
Really? Then I have a better idea.
How you doing?
You PJ?
You... Wait. You're Brock,
the captain of the wrestling team?
My coach says I'm 98 pounds of white-hot fury.
What's with the outfit?
It's a self-defense suit.
Fine by me.
Oh, wait. Oh...
Okay.
We'll take a water break.
No. Not until I'm done teaching you a lesson.
Forget it.
I can't beat you up. I can't get Skyler back.
I can't wear skinny jeans 'cause they're too baggy.
Man, I know it stinks to get your heart broken,
especially by someone as beautiful and smart as Skyler.
Well, beautiful.
But you know, fighting never solved anything.
Yeah, I've really gotta work on my people skills.
You'll find someone else.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Well, there is this one other girl I kinda have a crush on.
- Who? - Teddy Duncan.
Do you know her?
As a matter of fact, I do,
and I happen to know she is totally available.
Oh, there's Mr. Piper.
Now, Mom, you promised you'd be good.
Mama Bear has been declawed.
- Open the door. - Here we go.
Ah. Mr. Piper, come on in.
Ah. Wonderful. You remember my mom?
Every time I close my eyes.
Mom.
Wasn't there something you wanted to say to Mr. Piper?
I'm sorry.
For?
Swiping everything off your desk.
And?
Chasing you through the hallway.
- While? - You screamed like a little girl.
Okay!
Good enough. All right, who's hungry?
Oh, Dad, there you are.
Mom, why don't you go check on dinner
without saying anything else?
- Bob Duncan. - Peter Piper.
- You're kidding, right? - No.
He's not kidding. Never has, never will.
So, Bob, what do you do for a living?
I'm an exterminator.
The irony. You spend all day getting rid of pests,
then you come home to the biggest one of all.
Crudités?
- You talking about my wife? - Crudités?
You know, Peter Piper,
you're gonna be picking your pickled peppers
- out of the other side of your... - Dad!
- Are you threatening me? - Oh, this is just the appetizers, people.
Let's pace ourselves.
Just say you're sorry.
All right.
I'm sorry you married a lunatic.
That's it.
Oh, no! It's happening again!
Mini-quiche?
Hey! Come back here, you little weasel!
You're crazier than your wife!
Hey! No one's crazier than my wife!
Yeah! No one's crazier than me!
See you in class!
Hi, Mrs. Dabney.
Hey, Charlie. So we're here at your very first ballet recital
and I'm gonna get the whole thing on tape.
Ooh.
That's odd.
Some guy named Brock just asked me out.
I wonder who he is.
No idea.
Ooh, it's starting.
Welcome, everyone, to Miss Donna's school of dance.
In this performance, the role of Miss Donna
will be played by Bob Duncan.
Whoo!
Without further ado,
a flower is born.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, I'm a friendly flower. I'm a friendly flower...
Hey! I'm friendly!
Don't run!
- Ooh! That was a very short recital. - It was awesome!
It was like a monster movie.
I... I said no videotaping in here.
Well, I just have to say really quick... Good luck, Charlie!
Okay, are you ready?
I don't know, Dad.
Teddy, would you trust me? I know what I'm doing.
Heard those words before.
Well, this time...
This time I mean it.
All right, here we go.
Man! I gotta work on my technique.
Ya think?