1 00:00:00,988 --> 00:00:02,972 His name is Archie Decoste. 2 00:00:02,985 --> 00:00:06,282 Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven. 3 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:08,216 Sat score zero. 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,305 And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana 5 00:00:11,324 --> 00:00:13,938 to a police officer at a police station. 6 00:00:13,950 --> 00:00:16,549 So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot 7 00:00:16,555 --> 00:00:19,232 instead of an honors student or a science genius? 8 00:00:19,245 --> 00:00:20,839 Do we go to the same Greendale? 9 00:00:20,851 --> 00:00:24,674 Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. 10 00:00:24,687 --> 00:00:27,698 Family net worth, $8 million. 11 00:00:27,729 --> 00:00:30,532 Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we 12 00:00:30,538 --> 00:00:33,615 in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." 13 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:36,281 The perfect mix of low intellect, 14 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:39,555 high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support. 15 00:00:39,568 --> 00:00:42,325 So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate 16 00:00:42,337 --> 00:00:44,807 and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it. 17 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:46,677 Is there really that much money in this, Dean, 18 00:00:46,692 --> 00:00:50,006 or is it like that endorsement deal you made with let's potato chips? 19 00:00:50,018 --> 00:00:52,837 If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's, 20 00:00:52,876 --> 00:00:55,464 feel free to eat that other greasy brand. 21 00:00:55,552 --> 00:00:57,449 Splingles? Not this guy. 22 00:00:57,461 --> 00:00:58,712 Thank you, Troy, 23 00:00:58,736 --> 00:01:03,589 and, I will explain the value of this whale by describing one 24 00:01:03,613 --> 00:01:05,423 who's been swimming right under your nose. 25 00:01:05,455 --> 00:01:08,786 Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80% 26 00:01:08,805 --> 00:01:11,228 of Greendale's classes more than twice. 27 00:01:11,246 --> 00:01:15,119 He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker 28 00:01:15,138 --> 00:01:17,729 or the extended pencil warranty. 29 00:01:17,769 --> 00:01:19,837 Pierce cannot know about this. 30 00:01:19,849 --> 00:01:23,805 He's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention. 31 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,302 Remember when Kerri Strug visited our campus? 32 00:01:26,321 --> 00:01:27,716 - That was horrible. - That was awful. 33 00:01:27,741 --> 00:01:30,499 I have scheduled Archie's visit for tomorrow 34 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,483 when Pierce has no classes. 35 00:01:32,670 --> 00:01:34,441 Guys, I'm asking, 36 00:01:34,482 --> 00:01:36,445 as treasurer of the forensics club. 37 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:39,097 The Dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm. 38 00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:40,362 - Mmm. - Who wants to help? 39 00:01:40,381 --> 00:01:41,826 I'm in. Sounds like a romper. 40 00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:42,995 We do need money. 41 00:01:43,026 --> 00:01:46,921 The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for 10 years. 42 00:01:46,956 --> 00:01:49,917 If we land this kid, we can buy 100 dead pigs 43 00:01:49,941 --> 00:01:51,195 and make everybody happy. 44 00:01:51,213 --> 00:01:53,381 I'll help where I can, but I started a new PE class. 45 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:56,483 I've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever. 46 00:01:56,532 --> 00:01:57,669 I'm in PE too. 47 00:01:57,687 --> 00:01:59,460 I made room in my trophy case. 48 00:01:59,511 --> 00:02:01,722 Then, I remembered classes don't give out trophies, 49 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,597 so I put a fishbowl there instead. 50 00:02:04,027 --> 00:02:05,539 It's been quite the week. 51 00:02:05,552 --> 00:02:07,836 So, the rest of us will have to pick up the slack, 52 00:02:07,848 --> 00:02:10,512 and, yes, Jeffrey, I assume you're out, 53 00:02:10,549 --> 00:02:14,179 because of your track record of literally being too cool for school. 54 00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:16,637 Actually, you can count me in on this one. 55 00:02:16,649 --> 00:02:17,557 What? 56 00:02:17,575 --> 00:02:19,387 You had me at "no Pierce." 57 00:02:19,509 --> 00:02:21,970 He's been all over me lately to hang out. It's weird. 58 00:02:21,989 --> 00:02:24,334 You just want to be a part of something. 59 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:27,915 Admit it, Thanksgiving softened that Winger underbelly. 60 00:02:27,937 --> 00:02:29,595 Ugh, Britta. 61 00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:33,172 Now, let's set sail and hunt that whale! 62 00:02:33,192 --> 00:02:35,305 - Yeah. - Hey, let's do that. 63 00:02:35,311 --> 00:02:36,168 Oh! 64 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,017 You know what the commercial says. 65 00:02:38,029 --> 00:02:40,367 "Keep your damn hands off my Let's." 66 00:02:41,147 --> 00:02:44,436 ♪ Give me some rope tie me to dream 67 00:02:44,474 --> 00:02:47,811 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam 68 00:02:47,842 --> 00:02:51,013 ♪ somebody said it can be here 69 00:02:51,032 --> 00:02:55,190 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year 70 00:02:55,215 --> 00:02:59,803 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay 71 00:03:00,099 --> 00:03:04,220 ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ 72 00:03:04,256 --> 00:03:07,399 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com 73 00:03:09,229 --> 00:03:11,186 Hey, Jeff, there you are. 74 00:03:11,546 --> 00:03:14,321 I was thinking we could swing by this great barbershop I know. 75 00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,710 You're looking a little stubbly, 76 00:03:15,722 --> 00:03:17,953 and nobody handles a razor like an Italian. 77 00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:21,849 They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses. 78 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,962 Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes. 79 00:03:24,999 --> 00:03:26,553 Now, how can I put this? 80 00:03:26,578 --> 00:03:28,824 No. I don't want to go. 81 00:03:28,859 --> 00:03:31,960 Not now, not ever. No. 82 00:03:32,976 --> 00:03:34,343 No prob. 83 00:03:34,939 --> 00:03:36,755 We'll work around your skedge. 84 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:37,992 Ah. 85 00:03:38,449 --> 00:03:39,927 - It's okay. Pierce is gone. - Yes. 86 00:03:39,951 --> 00:03:42,478 Walking Dead has left the building. Resume operation, Deadliest Catch. 87 00:03:42,512 --> 00:03:44,711 Archie is gonna love this banner. 88 00:03:44,741 --> 00:03:46,522 The name, brand glitter really shows. 89 00:03:46,570 --> 00:03:47,835 Yo, yo, yo. 90 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,274 School board guys in the hizzie! 91 00:03:50,290 --> 00:03:52,320 Richie, Richie, pace yourself. 92 00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:53,578 Hey, there, Dean. 93 00:03:53,590 --> 00:03:56,385 Just thought we'd pop in and check on the big whale hunt. 94 00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:59,283 Ah, what a day we have planned for young Archie. 95 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,499 Library tour, calculator lab demonstration... 96 00:04:02,505 --> 00:04:03,983 And, it all culminates 97 00:04:04,014 --> 00:04:06,458 in the "spirit of Greendale" reception. 98 00:04:06,503 --> 00:04:08,166 Magnitude is a soft yes. 99 00:04:08,191 --> 00:04:09,479 Oh, wow, that's a get. 100 00:04:09,503 --> 00:04:11,824 As much as we love that magnitude, 101 00:04:11,854 --> 00:04:14,498 your tour may be lacking a little... 102 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,998 Tour sucks, bro. 103 00:04:16,027 --> 00:04:18,091 - What? - You gotta think big. 104 00:04:18,242 --> 00:04:21,776 Hookers, blow, hookers. 105 00:04:21,846 --> 00:04:23,088 He's been mixing, 106 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:25,002 but there is some wisdom there. 107 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,588 We need this whale money. 108 00:04:26,607 --> 00:04:28,313 The kid likes snowboarding. 109 00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:32,733 Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster. 110 00:04:32,751 --> 00:04:33,761 He likes to party. 111 00:04:33,784 --> 00:04:36,304 Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat. 112 00:04:36,354 --> 00:04:38,528 The Delta Cubes, or whatever. 113 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,066 Dean, you're not considering this, are you? 114 00:04:40,085 --> 00:04:42,022 No, no. Greendale stands on its own. 115 00:04:42,047 --> 00:04:43,341 No hookers, no blow, 116 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,997 no Shaun White frat. 117 00:04:45,064 --> 00:04:47,289 College dean threatening a fraternity. 118 00:04:49,057 --> 00:04:50,858 You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes. 119 00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:53,901 - What? - Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes... 120 00:04:53,933 --> 00:04:56,061 Look, it's your call, Craig. 121 00:04:56,079 --> 00:04:58,561 Don't let this whale swim away. 122 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,878 Cruise by Skeeper's Express for a refill? 123 00:05:01,922 --> 00:05:04,215 I'll second that motion. 124 00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:08,165 I've been working on my victory dances. 125 00:05:08,190 --> 00:05:11,067 Basketball, football, 126 00:05:11,162 --> 00:05:12,960 and crab soccer. 127 00:05:12,978 --> 00:05:14,466 That one's the hard one. 128 00:05:14,518 --> 00:05:16,057 Well, that's nice. 129 00:05:16,075 --> 00:05:18,271 Hey, when I was in grade school, 130 00:05:18,296 --> 00:05:21,740 PE was about being picked on and picked last, 131 00:05:21,808 --> 00:05:23,837 but, you'll put me on your team, right? 132 00:05:23,848 --> 00:05:25,995 - Right, but also, wrong. - Ah. 133 00:05:26,038 --> 00:05:27,719 PE's about survival of the fittest. 134 00:05:28,535 --> 00:05:30,206 Line up, class. 135 00:05:31,972 --> 00:05:34,716 Welcome to PEE I'm coach Jason Chapman. 136 00:05:34,741 --> 00:05:36,446 Physical education education? 137 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,840 I thought that was a typo in the course cartalogue. 138 00:05:38,858 --> 00:05:40,425 It started as a typo, 139 00:05:40,452 --> 00:05:42,046 but it's grown into one of Greendale's 140 00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:43,873 most successful programs. 141 00:05:43,992 --> 00:05:45,431 Anyone can take PE. 142 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,984 I teach my student coaches to teach PE. 143 00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,127 - Something funny, coach Barnes? - No, it's just... 144 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,601 You're teaching us how to be gym teachers. 145 00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:55,964 Gym teachers? 146 00:05:56,052 --> 00:05:58,185 A gym is a building, 147 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,773 a man-made structure inside which 148 00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:02,479 physical education teachers 149 00:06:02,517 --> 00:06:05,754 teach physical education to physical education students. 150 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:06,987 Pop quiz, coach Barnes, 151 00:06:07,011 --> 00:06:09,212 a student is choking on a plastic golf ball. 152 00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:10,387 - What do you do? - I... 153 00:06:10,439 --> 00:06:13,794 How many orange cones does it take to line a regulation soccer field? 154 00:06:13,863 --> 00:06:16,203 What if students are talking during stretches? 155 00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:18,593 When my kids talk past bedtime, 156 00:06:18,617 --> 00:06:20,484 I use my angry voice, and I say, 157 00:06:20,502 --> 00:06:23,382 "the next peep I hear will be the last." And I give 'em one of these. 158 00:06:23,898 --> 00:06:25,331 Not bad, coach Bennett. 159 00:06:26,063 --> 00:06:28,031 - Look at me! - I see you. 160 00:06:30,994 --> 00:06:32,373 Two hours late? 161 00:06:32,389 --> 00:06:35,184 This is exactly the lack of follow-through that makes Archie so appealing, 162 00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:37,764 but still, send a text, right? 163 00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:41,156 Okay, Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea. 164 00:06:41,169 --> 00:06:42,765 The Delta Cubes will never die. 165 00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:44,237 We've only just begun to fight. 166 00:06:44,249 --> 00:06:46,060 You only began yesterday. 167 00:06:46,387 --> 00:06:47,970 Whale, ho! Look alive, everyone. 168 00:06:47,988 --> 00:06:49,718 Hey, what are you guys all doing out here? 169 00:06:49,736 --> 00:06:51,965 Oh, no! Pierce will ruin everything! 170 00:06:51,984 --> 00:06:53,954 What's an Archie? Why does he get a banner? 171 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,381 Jeff! Do something. 172 00:06:57,627 --> 00:06:58,441 Oh! 173 00:06:59,782 --> 00:07:01,415 Ugh. 174 00:07:02,666 --> 00:07:03,935 There you are, Pierce. 175 00:07:03,955 --> 00:07:05,554 Thought you were gonna cancel our plans. 176 00:07:05,594 --> 00:07:07,575 - Plans? - To spend the entire day 177 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,981 together away from everyone else. 178 00:07:10,379 --> 00:07:12,820 Oh, yeah! Those plans. 179 00:07:13,988 --> 00:07:14,913 Suck it, bozos. 180 00:07:14,937 --> 00:07:16,651 You're getting ditched by the cool kids. 181 00:07:16,676 --> 00:07:18,281 Oh, what a day we're gonna have. 182 00:07:18,286 --> 00:07:20,392 Text me the instant I can ditch him. 183 00:07:20,518 --> 00:07:22,384 - Oh! - Hey, guys. 184 00:07:22,405 --> 00:07:23,418 Sweet campus. 185 00:07:23,424 --> 00:07:25,291 Welcome to Greendale. I'm bean Pelton. 186 00:07:25,303 --> 00:07:27,155 "Bean Pelton?" Dean Pelton. 187 00:07:27,172 --> 00:07:28,550 Gosh, I'm nervous. 188 00:07:28,568 --> 00:07:30,455 Please enroll in our school. Please, please. 189 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,547 Nice scooter, Archie. 190 00:07:32,559 --> 00:07:34,472 Yeah, city college gave it to me as a present. 191 00:07:34,485 --> 00:07:35,751 - City college? - Mmm-hmm. 192 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,035 City college bought you a vespa? 193 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:39,035 Brand-new. 194 00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:42,097 So, Archie, have you heard about 195 00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:45,680 our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White? 196 00:07:45,704 --> 00:07:47,292 - What? - Yeah, let me tell you about it 197 00:07:47,316 --> 00:07:49,548 in our Mountain Dew cool zone tent. 198 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,651 Put up a tent, write "Mountain Dew" on it, make it cool. 199 00:07:51,662 --> 00:07:54,681 Ah, here we go. Let's keep going. This is our library. 200 00:07:57,535 --> 00:07:58,888 Okay. 201 00:07:58,919 --> 00:08:01,933 Archie, why don't you "hang ten" on the web 202 00:08:01,952 --> 00:08:04,191 while I talk business, and you know what? 203 00:08:04,211 --> 00:08:05,410 You can take that computer. 204 00:08:05,428 --> 00:08:06,751 Wah! Sweet! 205 00:08:06,789 --> 00:08:08,772 My friends and I can drop it off an overpass. 206 00:08:08,802 --> 00:08:10,700 Ah, I shouldn't have heard that. 207 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:13,174 Dean, you're giving him our computers? 208 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:17,349 He is a 22-year-old stoner-head whose parents bought him a GED. 209 00:08:17,386 --> 00:08:18,901 Which college is he going to choose? 210 00:08:18,919 --> 00:08:22,087 Vespa state, or "ooh, look at our library" university? 211 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,002 Those school board guys were right. 212 00:08:24,047 --> 00:08:26,406 - Britta, where do we get drugs? - Really? 213 00:08:26,509 --> 00:08:28,208 Look who stumbled onto the high road. 214 00:08:28,222 --> 00:08:29,688 This is a slippery slope. 215 00:08:29,728 --> 00:08:32,735 Well, city college slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, 216 00:08:32,766 --> 00:08:36,250 but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil. 217 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,573 Three, two, one! 218 00:08:40,923 --> 00:08:42,846 Time! 219 00:08:43,242 --> 00:08:45,496 Coach Barnes, it seems dodge ball storage 220 00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:47,251 isn't quite in your skill set, 221 00:08:47,273 --> 00:08:48,723 much like table tennis prep. 222 00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:51,862 Excellent job, coach Bennett. 223 00:08:51,911 --> 00:08:54,923 You have the spatial reasoning skills of a young Kevin Miller, 224 00:08:55,122 --> 00:08:57,255 a really good PE teacher I know. 225 00:08:57,339 --> 00:09:00,871 The skill of ranking others in order of ability is crucial. 226 00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:03,897 In this next drill, our two best student coaches 227 00:09:03,932 --> 00:09:05,812 will split the rest of the class, 228 00:09:05,855 --> 00:09:07,014 coach Bennett, coach Neil. 229 00:09:07,044 --> 00:09:08,555 - Yeah! - Pick your teams. 230 00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,467 - Coach Donovan. - Coach Goldman. 231 00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:11,996 - Coach McKenna. - Coach Cutler. 232 00:09:12,014 --> 00:09:13,920 - Coach Winston. - Ooh, coach Dornetto. 233 00:09:13,945 --> 00:09:15,957 - Coach Guest. - Coach Panos! 234 00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,214 Oh. 235 00:09:17,238 --> 00:09:18,649 Choose wisely. 236 00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:22,745 You're one decision away from victory or defeat. 237 00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:25,557 Coach... 238 00:09:26,074 --> 00:09:26,957 Marzec. 239 00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,409 Oh, yay! 240 00:09:28,428 --> 00:09:29,772 Well picked, coach Bennett. 241 00:09:29,790 --> 00:09:31,730 Your team wins! 242 00:09:31,764 --> 00:09:33,504 Oh, we won! Nice! 243 00:09:33,542 --> 00:09:35,647 Ah, the barbershop. 244 00:09:35,748 --> 00:09:38,795 A reminder of a bygone era when men were men, 245 00:09:38,807 --> 00:09:41,884 and women were sex cooks who did laundry. 246 00:09:41,909 --> 00:09:43,875 I've been getting a daily shave here for decades. 247 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:47,075 And apparently, reading the same eight magazines the entire time. 248 00:09:47,093 --> 00:09:48,942 Yeah, National Geographic's got some 249 00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:51,270 tribal boob shots that are exquisite. 250 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,801 There's something about a breast 251 00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,917 that's never been touched by white hands. 252 00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:57,232 You are a complicated man. 253 00:09:57,348 --> 00:10:01,251 Silvio, spin up lucky number seven. 254 00:10:05,073 --> 00:10:07,440 You know what? That feels good, 255 00:10:07,459 --> 00:10:09,231 I'll give you that. 256 00:10:10,085 --> 00:10:11,544 Now, that soda goblet 257 00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:13,837 gets you free refills in the cafeteria, 258 00:10:13,861 --> 00:10:17,146 and it was painted by our professor Ed Hardy... 259 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,007 - Whoa! - Who teaches bikini class. 260 00:10:19,038 --> 00:10:20,676 Oh, yeah! 261 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:23,407 Whoa, check out that bling! 262 00:10:23,451 --> 00:10:24,988 I want that. 263 00:10:25,008 --> 00:10:27,741 You heard him, Annie! Bling the king! 264 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,175 Yeah, just take it off of him. 265 00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,578 - There you go. - Thank you. 266 00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:31,838 Delta Cubes! 267 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,972 Prepare to bond through embarrassment. 268 00:10:33,984 --> 00:10:35,832 Pacifiers in! 269 00:10:36,274 --> 00:10:37,283 Commence... 270 00:10:37,415 --> 00:10:38,366 Code Dean! Code Dean! 271 00:10:38,384 --> 00:10:41,486 Gosh dean it, Abed! I told you, no fraternities! 272 00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:44,551 There's soda all over my kicks! 273 00:10:44,570 --> 00:10:47,635 Britta, give Archie your scarf so he can dry his kicks. 274 00:10:47,654 --> 00:10:49,467 Dry his kicks, Britta. Put your back into it! 275 00:10:49,485 --> 00:10:51,994 No! Line drawn! 276 00:10:52,372 --> 00:10:54,543 If I wanted to wait on a rich man hand and foot, 277 00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:57,968 I would've gone to Dubai what that sheik I met at trader Joe's. 278 00:10:58,818 --> 00:11:00,894 Don't worry about her, Archie. 279 00:11:00,914 --> 00:11:04,649 Onward to the Microbrew Pizzatorium! 280 00:11:04,839 --> 00:11:08,312 I think all a man needs in life is a close shave, a cold beer, 281 00:11:08,343 --> 00:11:10,776 and you know, maybe a faithful dog. 282 00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:13,967 Hmm, I had a chocolate lab growing up, Rosie. 283 00:11:13,986 --> 00:11:15,061 Oh. 284 00:11:15,238 --> 00:11:17,705 She used to wake me up every morning by licking my feet. 285 00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:20,249 Mine was Walter, a German Shepherd. 286 00:11:20,383 --> 00:11:22,300 Followed me to school every day. 287 00:11:22,337 --> 00:11:25,333 I'd look out the window, and there he was, 288 00:11:25,474 --> 00:11:28,263 dropping a steaming fat one on the lawn. 289 00:11:28,294 --> 00:11:31,940 Would someone please tell me why I've been shaving my own face 290 00:11:31,971 --> 00:11:34,037 all these years like a sucker? 291 00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:39,487 This state-of-the-art mock locker room, 292 00:11:39,493 --> 00:11:42,171 or "mocker room," simulates the conditions 293 00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:43,661 of an actual locker room. 294 00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:45,473 Don't we have an actual locker room? 295 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,125 You think you're ready for that, coach Barnes? 296 00:11:48,839 --> 00:11:50,739 For our next drill, drama students 297 00:11:50,747 --> 00:11:52,601 will play the role of PE students, 298 00:11:52,613 --> 00:11:55,352 and each of you will oversee them in a "mocker room" setting. 299 00:11:55,370 --> 00:11:58,062 My character just had her first period. 300 00:11:58,081 --> 00:11:59,478 Mine has eczema! 301 00:11:59,508 --> 00:12:01,135 Coach Bennett, care to go first? 302 00:12:01,172 --> 00:12:02,419 Yes! 303 00:12:05,136 --> 00:12:07,043 Keep yo hands to yourself! 304 00:12:07,062 --> 00:12:09,030 Running will get you five laps, mister! 305 00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:10,291 - Ow! - Joey! 306 00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:13,293 I will come in that shower and kick yo bare ass! 307 00:12:13,305 --> 00:12:14,518 Sorry, coach Bennett. 308 00:12:14,537 --> 00:12:17,615 I have never seen such natural disciplinary skills. 309 00:12:17,652 --> 00:12:19,042 You're up next, coach Barnes. 310 00:12:19,094 --> 00:12:20,795 Entertain us with your ineptitude. 311 00:12:24,424 --> 00:12:26,243 How's the foam machine coming, Leonard? 312 00:12:26,268 --> 00:12:28,409 Memories will be made tonight. 313 00:12:28,427 --> 00:12:29,217 Destiny! 314 00:12:29,238 --> 00:12:30,986 Oh, thank you for coming on such short notice. 315 00:12:31,019 --> 00:12:32,720 Well, I did get your Christmas card. 316 00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:35,250 Look... no, so... no, no, no time to pre-party. 317 00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:38,065 You and the girls get in position and wait for my signal. 318 00:12:38,152 --> 00:12:39,138 Strippers? 319 00:12:39,163 --> 00:12:40,461 Oh, tons. 320 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,532 - It's good for the school. - Mmm-hmm. 321 00:12:42,853 --> 00:12:44,933 The whale is here. Balloon drop, go! 322 00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,426 There you go. 323 00:12:50,432 --> 00:12:52,349 Release the whores. 324 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,173 - Oh, yeah. - No way! 325 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,439 Pierce. 326 00:12:59,890 --> 00:13:01,844 I was wrong about this shop. 327 00:13:02,025 --> 00:13:03,885 It really is special. 328 00:13:03,904 --> 00:13:06,319 Well, if you like the place so much, why don't you gay marry it? 329 00:13:13,479 --> 00:13:14,951 You probably didn't notice it, Jeff, 330 00:13:14,970 --> 00:13:17,770 but I've been subtly trying to get us some alone time. 331 00:13:17,809 --> 00:13:19,709 I might've picked up on that. 332 00:13:19,912 --> 00:13:22,430 I'm no stranger to father issues, 333 00:13:22,448 --> 00:13:24,816 so I know confronting your dad couldn't have been easy, 334 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,696 and I just want to say I'm proud of you. 335 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,691 Well... 336 00:13:30,161 --> 00:13:32,529 If you're so proud... 337 00:13:32,871 --> 00:13:34,675 Why don't you gay marry me? 338 00:13:37,246 --> 00:13:38,920 You guys, behave! 339 00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:41,737 Hit the showers! Everybody in the showers! 340 00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,342 Please stop hitting each other! 341 00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:45,917 Hit the showers! Cut! Scene! 342 00:13:46,195 --> 00:13:47,164 Shirley, help. 343 00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:49,617 I can't control these drama students or their characters. 344 00:13:49,909 --> 00:13:51,418 No! No! 345 00:13:51,443 --> 00:13:53,509 PE is survival of the fittest, Troy. 346 00:13:57,866 --> 00:13:59,903 Hey, your phone's buzzing. 347 00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:03,356 Ooh, it's from Annie. You sly dog. 348 00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:07,076 "Need more time. Keep Pierce busy." 349 00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:08,491 Keep me busy? 350 00:14:08,504 --> 00:14:12,686 Look, the group is giving some big shot a tour, 351 00:14:12,723 --> 00:14:15,241 so it's my job to keep you busy. 352 00:14:15,253 --> 00:14:16,769 You know how you get jealous. 353 00:14:16,824 --> 00:14:18,866 So, that's why you spent the day with me? 354 00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:20,502 You drew the short straw. 355 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,100 Well, that's how it started, 356 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,942 but I really did end up having a good time. 357 00:14:24,954 --> 00:14:29,103 Yeah, I used to regret not having a son to bring here. 358 00:14:29,115 --> 00:14:30,616 I'm glad I didn't have kids. 359 00:14:30,749 --> 00:14:34,372 They just end up disappointing you. 360 00:14:41,194 --> 00:14:43,200 So Archie, having a good time? 361 00:14:43,346 --> 00:14:45,544 Gettin' crazy up in this club? 362 00:14:45,562 --> 00:14:47,216 Sicker than ever, bro! 363 00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:48,721 I've made my decision, Dean. 364 00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:51,085 I'm about to get all up in this Greendale. 365 00:14:51,866 --> 00:14:53,312 Whoo! 366 00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:55,924 Human beings, it's official! 367 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:58,336 Say hello to our newest Greendalian, 368 00:14:58,354 --> 00:14:59,951 Archie Decoste! 369 00:15:01,845 --> 00:15:03,157 Pop pop! 370 00:15:03,176 --> 00:15:04,815 Pop pop! 371 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,083 I want that to be my thing now. 372 00:15:08,065 --> 00:15:10,533 I don't think you can do that. 373 00:15:12,589 --> 00:15:16,412 Magnitude, you're not to say "pop pop" ever again. 374 00:15:16,757 --> 00:15:18,334 Not pop? 375 00:15:18,357 --> 00:15:20,042 That's right. Find a new thing. 376 00:15:20,217 --> 00:15:21,105 Get him out of here. 377 00:15:21,123 --> 00:15:23,599 Ah! Here we go! We're back! 378 00:15:26,195 --> 00:15:27,829 ♪ Get dirty 379 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,833 ♪ Get dirty 380 00:15:30,042 --> 00:15:31,842 ♪ Get dirty 381 00:15:31,881 --> 00:15:32,580 ♪ Get dirty 382 00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:35,902 Pop pop! 383 00:15:36,045 --> 00:15:38,446 ♪ She's a dirty girl 384 00:15:42,148 --> 00:15:44,150 Well, we did it. We did what we had to do, 385 00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:45,656 and I feel great about it. 386 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,131 - It's all for Greendale. - All for Greendale. 387 00:15:48,143 --> 00:15:50,881 Oh, you look pretty sad for someone whose forensics club can now afford 388 00:15:50,905 --> 00:15:52,883 that state-of-the-art body farm. 389 00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:53,714 Mmm! 390 00:15:53,733 --> 00:15:55,162 I can smell the corpses now. 391 00:15:55,174 --> 00:15:56,596 None of this is weighing on you? 392 00:15:57,343 --> 00:15:58,038 Sha! 393 00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:00,449 The only thing weighing on me is tons and tons of whale money. 394 00:16:00,468 --> 00:16:02,756 - Ah, Jeffrey. - Hey. Landed a whale, huh? 395 00:16:02,790 --> 00:16:05,344 Yeah, but I'm starting to feel like maybe we... 396 00:16:05,369 --> 00:16:06,907 Okay, Archie goes to Greendale now. 397 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,099 We're moving forward, Annie! 398 00:16:08,105 --> 00:16:09,481 Okay, we all paid a price. 399 00:16:09,499 --> 00:16:10,830 You don't hear Jeffrey grumbling, 400 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:12,827 and, he had to spend a whole day with walking dead. 401 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,187 Well, that's true. You know what? 402 00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:16,160 I can't believe I'm gonna say this. 403 00:16:16,298 --> 00:16:18,226 Don't talk about Pierce like that. 404 00:16:18,257 --> 00:16:20,962 Look, maybe the only reason he can be so unpleasant 405 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,100 is because we expect him to be. 406 00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,577 If we don't treat him like such a dick... 407 00:16:25,664 --> 00:16:27,832 Well, he'll probably still be one 98% of the time, 408 00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:30,201 but the 2% he's tolerable, 409 00:16:30,341 --> 00:16:32,108 it might be worth it. 410 00:16:34,766 --> 00:16:36,784 Well, who put the salt in his cereal, huh? 411 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,574 Look, I, for one, am still proud of what we did for Greendale. 412 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:46,862 I've been up all night trying out new catchphrases. 413 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,276 Diggity doo? 414 00:16:52,413 --> 00:16:54,648 My God, what have we done? 415 00:16:55,564 --> 00:16:58,205 I thought you dropped pee. 416 00:16:58,223 --> 00:17:01,323 I did, but I lost my keys in the mocker. 417 00:17:01,342 --> 00:17:03,986 I had to hitchhike home last night in a burrito truck. 418 00:17:04,095 --> 00:17:05,680 It's not as fun as it sounds. 419 00:17:05,798 --> 00:17:07,985 I'm sorry for how I acted in class. 420 00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,963 Don't apologize. You were the fittest, and you survived. 421 00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:13,636 Still, no one deserves to be mocked 422 00:17:13,664 --> 00:17:16,036 for being mock-locked in a mock locker. 423 00:17:16,156 --> 00:17:18,689 Friends should help friends survive. 424 00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,111 Ah! Oh, geez! 425 00:17:20,141 --> 00:17:22,986 Hi. Ah, ah, ah! 426 00:17:23,004 --> 00:17:25,155 So, I'm going to help you learn 427 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,805 to teach the most unteachable student there is. 428 00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,578 ♪ Teachers teaching to teach 429 00:17:31,609 --> 00:17:34,010 ♪ Coaches coaching to coach 430 00:17:34,242 --> 00:17:36,876 ♪ You've gotta dig down deep 431 00:17:36,897 --> 00:17:39,309 ♪ To prove you want it the most 432 00:17:39,503 --> 00:17:42,597 ♪ Get your physical education 433 00:17:42,610 --> 00:17:43,612 ♪ Education 434 00:17:43,635 --> 00:17:48,638 ♪ There's no room in the gym for hesitation 435 00:17:49,297 --> 00:17:51,699 ♪ PEE is not PE 436 00:17:51,711 --> 00:17:54,482 ♪ It's a totally different philosophy 437 00:17:54,494 --> 00:17:57,502 ♪ It's physical education 438 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,405 ♪ Education 439 00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,425 - Well done, coach Barnes. - I can't breathe. 440 00:18:01,458 --> 00:18:02,924 You as well, coach Bennett. 441 00:18:03,213 --> 00:18:05,416 You know, I was supposed to teach you two 442 00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:06,703 to teach other people, 443 00:18:06,722 --> 00:18:07,781 but instead, 444 00:18:07,814 --> 00:18:09,509 you ended up teaching me. 445 00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:10,915 Oh. 446 00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:12,894 I did it! 447 00:18:13,070 --> 00:18:15,038 I used the water fountain. 448 00:18:17,657 --> 00:18:19,529 Archie, wake up! 449 00:18:19,627 --> 00:18:22,228 Chillax, bro. It's not even noon. 450 00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:24,598 I will neither chill nor relax. 451 00:18:24,616 --> 00:18:27,888 All this hoopla is not what Greendale really is. 452 00:18:28,156 --> 00:18:30,688 Greendale is a nice welcome banner. 453 00:18:30,713 --> 00:18:33,254 Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. 454 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:38,102 And Greendale is Magnitude saying "pop pop." 455 00:18:38,214 --> 00:18:40,022 Now, I am a man of very little integrity, 456 00:18:40,041 --> 00:18:43,564 and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus, 457 00:18:43,587 --> 00:18:46,355 but I will not allow Greendale 458 00:18:46,495 --> 00:18:48,931 to lose the things that make it Greendale. 459 00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:51,351 Now, Archie, I would love for you to enroll in my school, 460 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,321 but I will not change it for you. 461 00:18:53,628 --> 00:18:56,716 Greendale will stay Greendale, 462 00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,873 no matter what. 463 00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:01,463 You know what? 464 00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:05,477 Everybody kisses my ass because my dad is loaded, 465 00:19:05,672 --> 00:19:07,654 and they always give me free stuff, 466 00:19:07,697 --> 00:19:09,495 like that jet ski I sunk, 467 00:19:09,568 --> 00:19:11,067 but it would be pretty sweet 468 00:19:11,187 --> 00:19:12,973 to be treated like a normal dude... 469 00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,064 So I'm in. 470 00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:18,286 Magnitude. 471 00:19:18,311 --> 00:19:20,211 You usually have the perfect blend 472 00:19:20,223 --> 00:19:24,543 of brevity and wit that sums up situations like this. 473 00:19:24,832 --> 00:19:25,998 Pop pop! 474 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,241 Yay! 475 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:28,821 Oh, that's so good! 476 00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,844 So good! 477 00:19:29,850 --> 00:19:34,645 I think we all learned today that all human beings deserve dignity. 478 00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:37,586 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 479 00:19:37,604 --> 00:19:41,668 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 480 00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:44,272 Delta Cubes, operation, slack attack! 481 00:19:44,285 --> 00:19:45,216 Slack attack? 482 00:19:45,253 --> 00:19:47,132 Ah! 483 00:19:47,709 --> 00:19:49,414 Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! 484 00:19:49,426 --> 00:19:51,344 Mark my words, Delta Cubes, 485 00:19:51,371 --> 00:19:54,005 you'll pay for this! 486 00:19:57,373 --> 00:20:01,076 ♪ I've even been to paradise 487 00:20:02,828 --> 00:20:04,128 is this seat taken? 488 00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:05,860 Free country. 489 00:20:07,930 --> 00:20:11,574 ♪ Christopher Columbus may have reached... ♪ 490 00:20:11,602 --> 00:20:13,752 You know, I was thinking 491 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,433 I might start coming here more often. 492 00:20:18,198 --> 00:20:20,032 I like the vibe. 493 00:20:22,477 --> 00:20:25,242 You know what sport I never got? 494 00:20:25,416 --> 00:20:26,949 Golf. 495 00:20:28,358 --> 00:20:29,871 No argument here. 496 00:20:29,921 --> 00:20:31,969 They lost me immediately with the clown clothes. 497 00:20:31,995 --> 00:20:34,183 You know, I belong to a dozen country clubs. 498 00:20:34,208 --> 00:20:35,301 Never played. 499 00:20:35,347 --> 00:20:37,477 I just spend my time hitting on the waitresses. 500 00:20:37,539 --> 00:20:39,924 There's something about a country club waitress 501 00:20:39,936 --> 00:20:42,996 that just makes you wanna pay your dues every year. 502 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,721 ♪ Let's snack it up 503 00:20:47,017 --> 00:20:48,783 ♪ Let's do it right 504 00:20:49,173 --> 00:20:51,525 ♪ Let's taste the crisp with the flavor and crunch 505 00:20:51,544 --> 00:20:53,536 ♪ with all our might 506 00:20:53,709 --> 00:20:55,876 ♪ Let's grab a bag 507 00:20:55,899 --> 00:20:57,723 ♪ Let's take a bite 508 00:20:58,029 --> 00:21:00,750 ♪ Let's grab potato chips, Let's do it right... ♪ 509 00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:03,401 Get your damn hand off of my Let's! 510 00:21:06,053 --> 00:21:07,954 Honestly, after all that, you still eat splingles? 511 00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:09,253 Uh, yeah, Troy. 512 00:21:09,271 --> 00:21:11,201 Splingles have 30% less fat. 513 00:21:11,278 --> 00:21:13,311 They're the fit chip. 514 00:21:14,008 --> 00:21:16,661 You know, I kinda have a headache. Maybe you should go home. 515 00:21:18,554 --> 00:21:23,554 Sync and corrections by Norther www.addic7ed.com