1 00:00:02,104 --> 00:00:04,156 Well, that was a weird afternoon. 2 00:00:04,315 --> 00:00:08,277 I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird, futuristic cult... 3 00:00:08,444 --> 00:00:11,790 ...but I wasn't prepared for a funeral with so much beeping. 4 00:00:11,947 --> 00:00:13,158 Well, let's not judge. 5 00:00:13,324 --> 00:00:14,415 Everyone has a right... 6 00:00:14,575 --> 00:00:17,624 ...to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose. 7 00:00:17,786 --> 00:00:21,168 Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay? 8 00:00:21,332 --> 00:00:23,419 I'm okay. Although... 9 00:00:24,335 --> 00:00:26,340 Troy and Abed are in mourning 10 00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:27,595 Please stop doing that. 11 00:00:27,755 --> 00:00:31,682 I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. So uncomfortable. 12 00:00:31,842 --> 00:00:34,560 I don't think they got we were singing "mourning" with a U. 13 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:38,018 You were singing "mourning" with a U? Oh, no. 14 00:00:38,182 --> 00:00:40,982 I still don't fully understand the laser lotus theology. 15 00:00:41,143 --> 00:00:44,192 So Pierce's body is in the coffin, and we buried it... 16 00:00:44,355 --> 00:00:47,701 ...but this energon pod contains his life vapour? 17 00:00:47,858 --> 00:00:51,204 All right here in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out. 18 00:00:51,362 --> 00:00:54,708 Once you reach level 16, you can see the colour blurble. 19 00:00:54,865 --> 00:00:57,285 Ridiculous cartoon nonsense. If there is a blurble... 20 00:00:57,451 --> 00:01:00,334 - ...the Lord keeps it hidden for a reason. - What up, N-bombs? 21 00:01:00,496 --> 00:01:02,501 How was the funeral? Awesome? 22 00:01:02,665 --> 00:01:05,512 No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome. 23 00:01:05,668 --> 00:01:08,218 It was deeply sad. You know, funeral style. 24 00:01:08,379 --> 00:01:10,882 Excuse me. I thought you guys hated Pierce. 25 00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:12,341 - No. - We didn't hate Pierce. 26 00:01:12,508 --> 00:01:13,552 Craziness. 27 00:01:13,717 --> 00:01:17,561 Are you sure you guys aren't just doing the "respect the dead" jig-a-lig? 28 00:01:17,721 --> 00:01:19,892 I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang. 29 00:01:20,057 --> 00:01:24,696 I don't know. I definitely remember you complaining about him a lot. 30 00:01:24,854 --> 00:01:27,571 Complained about him when he was alive. This is different. 31 00:01:27,731 --> 00:01:31,742 - Can't believe we'll never see him again. - Reminder, gotta live life to the fullest. 32 00:01:31,902 --> 00:01:35,331 By the time Pierce was my age, he had already been fired from 15 jobs. 33 00:01:35,489 --> 00:01:37,993 I've only seen two Police Academys. 34 00:01:38,159 --> 00:01:39,879 The last two. 35 00:01:40,035 --> 00:01:42,456 Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten. 36 00:01:42,621 --> 00:01:45,006 I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger. 37 00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:47,384 - Who the hell are you? - My name is Mr. Stone. 38 00:01:47,543 --> 00:01:49,595 That's easy for you to say. 39 00:01:50,129 --> 00:01:51,517 And for us to say. 40 00:01:51,672 --> 00:01:52,965 I work for Mr. Hawthorne. 41 00:01:53,132 --> 00:01:56,311 He specified in his will that no matter how natural in appearance... 42 00:01:56,468 --> 00:01:58,141 ...the circumstances of his death... 43 00:01:58,304 --> 00:02:02,065 ...a private inquest should be conducted to determine whether any one of you... 44 00:02:02,224 --> 00:02:03,731 ...his former study group... 45 00:02:04,059 --> 00:02:05,103 ...murdered him. 46 00:02:05,478 --> 00:02:06,569 - What? - To be cleared... 47 00:02:06,729 --> 00:02:09,315 ...you must all submit to a polygraph test. 48 00:02:09,482 --> 00:02:12,910 Schnizzle, you guys are in trouble. 49 00:02:13,402 --> 00:02:15,739 - Later. - Mr. Chang, I presume. 50 00:02:15,905 --> 00:02:18,788 You're also listed as a suspect and requested to participate. 51 00:02:18,949 --> 00:02:20,954 Fine, but I ask the questions. 52 00:02:21,118 --> 00:02:25,211 - I'm afraid I can't allow that. - All right, then just the "fine" part. 53 00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:28,460 We're losing Pierce. 54 00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:30,547 Everyone, quickly. 55 00:02:34,924 --> 00:02:37,095 Someone get a balloon. 56 00:03:03,744 --> 00:03:07,090 I always wanted to try a polygraph. Like the pie fight of cop movies. 57 00:03:07,248 --> 00:03:09,004 Or the acupuncture of the legal system. 58 00:03:09,166 --> 00:03:11,467 Can't believe Pierce'd think we might murder him. 59 00:03:11,627 --> 00:03:14,510 Yeah, what a waste of murder. I mean, he was, like, 79. 60 00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:17,637 Don't suppose anyone wants to know I consider this a violation. 61 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,639 Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce. 62 00:03:19,802 --> 00:03:21,522 - Final wish. - If I had a final wish... 63 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:24,443 - ...I'd use it to stay alive. - Do it. How do we begin? 64 00:03:24,598 --> 00:03:26,354 We're gonna start with Ms. Perry. 65 00:03:26,517 --> 00:03:28,107 - State your name. - Britta Perry. 66 00:03:28,269 --> 00:03:30,523 Had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce? 67 00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:31,862 - No. - Lie. 68 00:03:32,189 --> 00:03:35,867 I mean, we all wanted to slap him now and again, but I didn't kill him. 69 00:03:36,026 --> 00:03:38,032 In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce... 70 00:03:38,195 --> 00:03:40,366 - ...none of them involved his murder? - What? No. 71 00:03:40,531 --> 00:03:42,702 You had sexual fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne. 72 00:03:42,867 --> 00:03:45,797 - No! What kind of question is that? - I'm asking the questions... 73 00:03:45,953 --> 00:03:48,717 ...just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote them down, I assure you. 74 00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,506 - Mr. Winger, state your name. - Jeffrey Winger. 75 00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,711 - Are you gay? - No. 76 00:03:52,877 --> 00:03:54,348 - You sure you're not gay? - Yes. 77 00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:55,891 - Gay murderer says what? - What? 78 00:03:56,046 --> 00:03:59,012 - He's telling the truth. - I'll point out that means you're gay. 79 00:03:59,175 --> 00:04:01,725 - Ms. Bennett. State your name. - Shirley Bennett. 80 00:04:01,886 --> 00:04:03,227 Are you a dishonest person? 81 00:04:03,387 --> 00:04:04,894 - No. - She thinks that's true. 82 00:04:05,055 --> 00:04:08,152 You could have just said no. I'm watching you acting scientific... 83 00:04:08,309 --> 00:04:11,737 ...and then adding your little two cents every now and again. Continue. 84 00:04:11,896 --> 00:04:16,487 Is it true you're a donor with the pro-life organisation prenatalpatriots.org? 85 00:04:16,650 --> 00:04:18,204 - What? - Keep it cool, girls. 86 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,662 It's my money. It's my choice. 87 00:04:20,821 --> 00:04:24,831 If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters. 88 00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:27,127 Keep it frosty. Don't let your goats get got. 89 00:04:27,286 --> 00:04:29,421 Mr. Barnes, state your name. 90 00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:31,003 Troy Barnes. 91 00:04:31,165 --> 00:04:32,506 I meant to say Butts Carlton. 92 00:04:32,917 --> 00:04:34,423 He did mean to say Butts Carlton. 93 00:04:35,503 --> 00:04:37,923 Barnes, you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne told you... 94 00:04:38,088 --> 00:04:39,595 ...Fat Albert died of diabetes? 95 00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,560 Yes, like any American would. 96 00:04:41,717 --> 00:04:43,224 - Angry enough to murder him? - No. 97 00:04:43,385 --> 00:04:46,648 Is it true you and Abed Nadir have an elaborate doomsday escape plan... 98 00:04:46,805 --> 00:04:49,771 ...to be used in the event of zombie attacks? 99 00:04:49,934 --> 00:04:52,235 We may have a designated rendezvous point... 100 00:04:52,394 --> 00:04:56,025 ...and a couple of bug-out bags filled with gold coins and condoms... 101 00:04:56,190 --> 00:05:00,413 ...in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat. Gold coins for buying food. 102 00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:04,413 Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare of any of your other friends? 103 00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:07,080 - Pass. - Answer the question. 104 00:05:07,368 --> 00:05:09,254 - No. - Troy. Rude. 105 00:05:09,411 --> 00:05:11,499 It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. 106 00:05:11,664 --> 00:05:15,211 You wanna see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat? 107 00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:16,633 - Guess not. - That's a lie. 108 00:05:17,086 --> 00:05:18,343 He's doing it again. 109 00:05:18,504 --> 00:05:19,975 Pierce is doing it again. 110 00:05:20,130 --> 00:05:21,803 Mr. Chang, state your name. 111 00:05:21,966 --> 00:05:25,312 Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. 112 00:05:25,469 --> 00:05:28,269 Nothing to hide. Let's do this. 113 00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:30,981 Have you ever masturbated in the study room? 114 00:05:33,894 --> 00:05:36,575 - Mr. Nadir, state your name. - Abed Nadir. 115 00:05:36,730 --> 00:05:38,866 - Have you ever 9/11 'd anyone? - No. 116 00:05:39,024 --> 00:05:43,200 When you were a child, did you kill a squirrel, surprised you felt nothing... 117 00:05:43,362 --> 00:05:46,328 ...and wonder if you were capable of doing it to a human? 118 00:05:48,492 --> 00:05:50,046 No. 119 00:05:51,912 --> 00:05:54,332 Do you and Troy still use Jeff's Netflix account... 120 00:05:54,498 --> 00:05:57,179 - ...without his permission? - You told Pierce that? 121 00:05:57,334 --> 00:05:59,422 You logged in at our place, never logged out. 122 00:05:59,587 --> 00:06:02,173 Is that why my review of The Grey is changing? 123 00:06:02,339 --> 00:06:04,594 - Stop giving it four stars. - I like Liam Neeson. 124 00:06:04,758 --> 00:06:06,230 Send him a message about roles. 125 00:06:06,385 --> 00:06:08,521 This is not the issue. You're stealing from me. 126 00:06:08,679 --> 00:06:11,265 And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice. 127 00:06:11,432 --> 00:06:12,689 - I had no idea. - Lie. 128 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:14,487 Why would I even try that? 129 00:06:14,643 --> 00:06:17,692 - State your name please, miss. - Annie Edison. 130 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:20,536 Did you use your intelligence and organizational skills... 131 00:06:20,691 --> 00:06:23,704 ...to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne? 132 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,202 And no. 133 00:06:25,362 --> 00:06:28,791 Is it true you overcharged Troy and Abed for their share of the rent? 134 00:06:29,408 --> 00:06:31,627 - Pierce. - Annie? 135 00:06:31,785 --> 00:06:33,791 Yes, but for a good reason. 136 00:06:33,954 --> 00:06:35,757 You guys know you're bad with money. 137 00:06:35,915 --> 00:06:37,836 I padded your share of the rent by $10. 138 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,049 I've been putting it into a savings account that yields 4 percent. 139 00:06:41,212 --> 00:06:44,889 You'll be thanking me in six years when you find out you have $86. 140 00:06:45,049 --> 00:06:46,223 That's jacket money. 141 00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:49,064 Did you hear that, Abed? We've been washing paper plates... 142 00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,355 ...and making our own toothpaste. Don't worry. 143 00:06:51,514 --> 00:06:54,064 When we have robot bodies, we can share a free jacket. 144 00:06:54,225 --> 00:06:57,404 You should know better than to hoard money. That's a stereotype. 145 00:06:57,561 --> 00:06:59,898 - Was that anti-Semitism? - No. 146 00:07:00,064 --> 00:07:01,108 That's sensitivity. 147 00:07:01,273 --> 00:07:04,655 It's anti-Semitic to do things like that when you know you're Jewish. 148 00:07:05,569 --> 00:07:07,906 We could have bought a tyre for our tyre swing. 149 00:07:08,072 --> 00:07:09,365 Or your own Netflix account? 150 00:07:09,532 --> 00:07:11,038 Liam Neeson? Not that great. 151 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,585 As if you were ever gonna get that tyre. 152 00:07:15,246 --> 00:07:16,918 All right. 153 00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:19,673 Let's begin. 154 00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:22,598 Wait, wait. What do you mean, "begin"? 155 00:07:22,753 --> 00:07:26,265 That completes calibration questioning. We're ready to begin the inquest. 156 00:07:26,423 --> 00:07:28,927 We're ready to end. We've humoured this long enough. 157 00:07:29,093 --> 00:07:31,180 Jeff, it's for Pierce. 158 00:07:31,345 --> 00:07:33,849 Look, respect for the dead is only a thing... 159 00:07:34,014 --> 00:07:36,565 ...because the dead usually don't do any more damage. 160 00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:39,520 - That's true. - You can quit any time you like. 161 00:07:39,687 --> 00:07:43,199 It should be noted Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20 million. 162 00:07:43,357 --> 00:07:46,620 Only those cleared of his murder can receive their bequeathments. 163 00:07:47,069 --> 00:07:50,451 I'm only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us... 164 00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:54,327 ...into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation. 165 00:07:54,493 --> 00:07:57,875 We're all smart enough to know we should quit while we're not ahead. 166 00:07:58,038 --> 00:08:00,090 - I do believe we should. - Yes, definitely. 167 00:08:00,249 --> 00:08:01,803 - Absolutely. - Right. 168 00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:06,095 - They're all lying. - We all know that, you judgmental bitch. 169 00:08:09,133 --> 00:08:11,103 PIERCE ANASTASIA HAWTHORNE 170 00:08:12,303 --> 00:08:14,771 Ms. Perry, have you ever eaten at the sandwich shop... 171 00:08:14,930 --> 00:08:17,066 ...started by Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Hawthorne? 172 00:08:17,224 --> 00:08:19,942 - Yes. - And what sandwich would you order? 173 00:08:20,102 --> 00:08:22,321 Only one I can, the Helen of Soy with no mayo. 174 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,410 - Helen of Soy. - Are you aware that to save money... 175 00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:29,078 ...Shirley stopped using real tofu and replaced it with Midwestern tofu... 176 00:08:29,236 --> 00:08:31,076 ...called meatfu? 177 00:08:31,238 --> 00:08:32,828 Oh, my God! 178 00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:35,790 It's still not actually meat, legally. 179 00:08:35,951 --> 00:08:39,249 You have never respected anything that I hold sacred. 180 00:08:39,413 --> 00:08:41,252 - I'm sorry. - Did you know that Britta... 181 00:08:41,415 --> 00:08:44,345 ...was high on marijuana at your son's baptism? 182 00:08:44,752 --> 00:08:45,796 I'm sorry? 183 00:08:45,961 --> 00:08:48,595 - Well, no higher than usual. - Not true. 184 00:08:48,756 --> 00:08:50,761 You did drugs in my church? 185 00:08:50,925 --> 00:08:53,096 I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. 186 00:08:53,260 --> 00:08:56,143 How do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? 187 00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:58,476 With a bris, there's an element of suspense. 188 00:08:58,641 --> 00:09:00,977 Next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do warm-up. 189 00:09:01,143 --> 00:09:03,528 Guys, these questions are obviously designed... 190 00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:06,701 ...to turn us against each other. If we wanna beat Pierce... 191 00:09:06,857 --> 00:09:09,361 ...we own up to our mistakes and forgive each other. 192 00:09:09,527 --> 00:09:13,038 Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests? 193 00:09:13,197 --> 00:09:15,036 In a church, Britta? 194 00:09:15,199 --> 00:09:16,456 For shame. 195 00:09:16,617 --> 00:09:18,124 It's where Jesus gets his mail. 196 00:09:18,285 --> 00:09:20,373 Answer the question, Adrien Grody. 197 00:09:20,746 --> 00:09:22,668 I know what Pierce is referring to. 198 00:09:22,832 --> 00:09:26,046 I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment. 199 00:09:26,210 --> 00:09:27,551 I happen to be a single male. 200 00:09:27,711 --> 00:09:28,969 Visitors leave things. 201 00:09:29,129 --> 00:09:31,680 Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties? 202 00:09:32,716 --> 00:09:34,722 You told me a hawk stole them. 203 00:09:34,885 --> 00:09:36,226 You exploited me... 204 00:09:36,387 --> 00:09:39,685 ...and made me believe in a slightly more magical world. 205 00:09:39,849 --> 00:09:41,486 To collect women's underwear, can't you buy them? 206 00:09:41,642 --> 00:09:43,279 They have to be won in battle. 207 00:09:43,561 --> 00:09:45,151 - Gross. - Awesome. 208 00:09:45,312 --> 00:09:49,738 I think we can all agree the gross thing is Pierce snooping through my stuff. 209 00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:52,036 Abed and I go through your stuff all the time. 210 00:09:52,194 --> 00:09:53,582 Why keep bread in the freezer? 211 00:09:53,737 --> 00:09:55,992 Why's your bathroom mirror say "you're special"? 212 00:09:56,157 --> 00:09:59,004 - I don't have to ans... You took a shower? - Yeah. 213 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,840 - Mr. Barnes. - Okay. I did it, okay? I killed Pierce. 214 00:10:01,996 --> 00:10:03,549 - Lie. - Okay, good. 215 00:10:03,706 --> 00:10:04,749 Just making sure. 216 00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:08,261 You and Abed have a specialised, exclusive handshake you refuse to do... 217 00:10:08,419 --> 00:10:11,218 - ...with your other friends? - Absolutely. 218 00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:13,385 Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake? 219 00:10:13,549 --> 00:10:15,269 - Yes. - Lie. 220 00:10:15,634 --> 00:10:19,063 Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the video blog Fun For Friends? 221 00:10:19,221 --> 00:10:20,432 - No. - Lie. 222 00:10:20,598 --> 00:10:21,939 Silence, wench! 223 00:10:23,184 --> 00:10:24,394 Hi, I'm Kevin. 224 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,617 This is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake you can do with your best friend. 225 00:10:29,273 --> 00:10:31,112 All right. Thanks for watching, guys. 226 00:10:31,275 --> 00:10:34,075 Don't forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe. 227 00:10:34,236 --> 00:10:36,621 - I can't look at you. - You should know I'm crying. 228 00:10:36,780 --> 00:10:39,995 I forgive you. To escape the pattern of self-righteous indignation... 229 00:10:40,159 --> 00:10:42,709 - ...followed by immediate comeuppance. - Mr. Nadir. 230 00:10:42,870 --> 00:10:45,089 It's happening. You broke my heart. Continue. 231 00:10:45,247 --> 00:10:48,510 Is it true you planted trafficking devices on everyone so you'd know... 232 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,423 - ...where they are at all times? - Yes. 233 00:10:53,255 --> 00:10:55,474 You're changing your faces. Mad at me or hungry? 234 00:10:55,633 --> 00:10:56,974 You're tracking us? 235 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,898 - We're mad at you, Abed. - Why? 236 00:11:00,054 --> 00:11:02,984 Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state. 237 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:06,355 - Do you not read my updates? - I'm not the government. I'm your friend. 238 00:11:06,519 --> 00:11:08,191 That's what governments say, nimrod. 239 00:11:08,354 --> 00:11:12,067 When one of you gets kidnapped you'll be glad you don't have to count... 240 00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:16,113 - ...the bumps from the trunk of a car. - Are those blinking dots us? 241 00:11:16,278 --> 00:11:19,826 - What's this one all the way to the side? - That's where Pierce is buried. 242 00:11:20,908 --> 00:11:24,254 Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin? 243 00:11:24,537 --> 00:11:26,755 I was trying to get it back. They're expensive. 244 00:11:26,914 --> 00:11:28,836 Abed, where did you plant these things? 245 00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,672 Feel better, you'll never find them. 246 00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:35,176 I know you know it's wrong to do that without telling us. Shame on you. 247 00:11:35,339 --> 00:11:37,593 - Okay, I'm ashamed. Lie. - Lie. 248 00:11:37,758 --> 00:11:40,855 Ms. Edison, is it true you once dosed the members of your group... 249 00:11:41,011 --> 00:11:43,396 ...with a pharmaceutical amphetamine? 250 00:11:48,018 --> 00:11:49,691 - Yes, kind of. - What? 251 00:11:49,854 --> 00:11:52,322 It sounds worse on paper than it was. 252 00:11:52,481 --> 00:11:56,112 We were cramming for the anthro final. Everyone was falling asleep. 253 00:11:56,277 --> 00:12:00,203 I put 5 milligrams of something in your coffees and we all got an A. Done. 254 00:12:00,364 --> 00:12:03,995 I'm a bad person for tracking you, but you altered brain chemistry? 255 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,251 I was up for three days. 256 00:12:05,411 --> 00:12:07,831 I invented a language, you fiiztbarping gitzgorg. 257 00:12:07,997 --> 00:12:10,168 - Sorry. - You messed with my brain. A big deal. 258 00:12:10,332 --> 00:12:12,219 I don't mess with your brain, Annie. 259 00:12:12,376 --> 00:12:14,049 - You kind of do. - I don't think I do. 260 00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,631 - What about her Facebook boyfriend? - It's different. 261 00:12:16,797 --> 00:12:20,012 You made a profile for a fake dude and lured her into a relationship. 262 00:12:20,176 --> 00:12:21,219 He's catfishing you. 263 00:12:22,136 --> 00:12:25,398 You're Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw? 264 00:12:25,556 --> 00:12:28,902 Whenever you were in a relationship, you hummed a lot and made pancakes. 265 00:12:29,059 --> 00:12:31,195 I did what I did in the name of breakfast. 266 00:12:31,353 --> 00:12:33,821 I bore my soul to you. 267 00:12:33,981 --> 00:12:37,078 I told you about my holding hands at Disneyland fantasy. 268 00:12:37,568 --> 00:12:40,249 Do you care about people at all, Abed? 269 00:12:40,404 --> 00:12:42,990 Answer on the polygraph. 270 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,503 Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking so he can get a better spot. 271 00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:49,164 Britta invited Garrett to Annie's birthday party. 272 00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,335 Troy won't sit on the toilet seat after Jeff. 273 00:12:51,499 --> 00:12:54,002 When alone, Shirley refers to you as "those people." 274 00:12:54,168 --> 00:12:56,932 When Annie's with other females, she calls Jeff her uncle. 275 00:12:57,087 --> 00:13:00,682 - Shirley thinks we're all going to hell. - You are all going to hell. 276 00:13:00,841 --> 00:13:04,270 We're not necessarily gonna go to hell. I mean, what is hell? 277 00:13:04,428 --> 00:13:08,272 Guys, stop! We have to stop letting Pierce do this to us. 278 00:13:08,641 --> 00:13:11,855 Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question in quite some time, Mr. Winger. 279 00:13:13,312 --> 00:13:14,819 He's right. 280 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:17,780 I actually forgot for a second that Pierce was dead. 281 00:13:17,942 --> 00:13:19,781 Maybe that's what he wanted. 282 00:13:19,944 --> 00:13:22,494 Or he wanted us to know we're no better off without him. 283 00:13:22,655 --> 00:13:24,245 Or no better than him. 284 00:13:26,325 --> 00:13:27,796 He kind of nailed it, didn't he? 285 00:13:28,577 --> 00:13:31,211 I didn't just masturbate in the study room. 286 00:13:31,372 --> 00:13:34,504 I masturbated everywhere. 287 00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,632 Everywhere! 288 00:13:41,590 --> 00:13:44,094 Confession is good for the soul. 289 00:13:44,385 --> 00:13:45,726 You should try it sometime. 290 00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:54,567 There's another round of questions, if you'd like to continue. 291 00:13:54,728 --> 00:13:58,608 Give us a moment to sit in our own filth before you heap another bucket on us. 292 00:13:58,774 --> 00:14:02,321 Strange, after all these years how much we've kept hidden from each other. 293 00:14:02,611 --> 00:14:05,411 You'd think by now we would have learned to be better people. 294 00:14:05,573 --> 00:14:09,832 I think we got into this mess by thinking there was such a thing as better people. 295 00:14:10,411 --> 00:14:12,831 Wait. That's it. 296 00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:16,422 If we're no better than Pierce, Pierce is no worse than us... 297 00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:19,264 ...then that means nobody's really that bad. 298 00:14:19,670 --> 00:14:22,434 So what if we're willing to suffer and inflict pain... 299 00:14:22,590 --> 00:14:25,140 ...at the mere prospect of material reward? 300 00:14:25,301 --> 00:14:27,353 If we stop now, that doesn't make us better. 301 00:14:27,511 --> 00:14:29,018 It just makes us so dishonest... 302 00:14:29,513 --> 00:14:32,443 ...that we would rather be poor than admit we're flawed. 303 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,480 Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich. 304 00:14:36,645 --> 00:14:40,358 Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way... 305 00:14:40,524 --> 00:14:42,944 ...not by saying fake nice things around a casket... 306 00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:48,164 ...but by admitting we're monsters and clawing joyfully for some of his cash. 307 00:14:48,657 --> 00:14:52,880 So does anybody have anything left before we continue? 308 00:14:53,037 --> 00:14:56,465 Let's empty our tanks of lies once and for all. 309 00:14:56,624 --> 00:14:58,960 I'm Jeff Winger, and if I had my choice... 310 00:14:59,126 --> 00:15:02,720 ...I would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with. 311 00:15:03,255 --> 00:15:05,841 I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot. 312 00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:07,182 It wasn't a taco truck. 313 00:15:07,343 --> 00:15:10,356 Racist of me to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle. 314 00:15:10,513 --> 00:15:13,230 I only give money to homeless people when I'm with someone. 315 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,111 I've never been to Legoland. 316 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:17,403 I just wanted you guys to think I was cool. 317 00:15:17,561 --> 00:15:20,065 I can be passive-aggressive sometimes. 318 00:15:20,523 --> 00:15:22,076 Don't everybody disagree at once. 319 00:15:22,233 --> 00:15:25,246 - Oh, Lord, I did it again. - When you chew gum I wanna punch you. 320 00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,416 May as well have machine guns in your mouths. Vibrates my skull. 321 00:15:28,572 --> 00:15:29,830 Everybody clear? 322 00:15:29,990 --> 00:15:31,201 - Yeah. - All right. 323 00:15:31,617 --> 00:15:34,417 Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale. 324 00:15:34,578 --> 00:15:37,046 May it be as brutal as we deserve. 325 00:15:37,206 --> 00:15:38,250 Very well. 326 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,586 Mr. Hawthorne's final round of questions. 327 00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:45,765 "Britta Perry. Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should... 328 00:15:45,923 --> 00:15:47,762 ...and that your passion inspired me?" 329 00:15:49,009 --> 00:15:50,053 No. 330 00:15:50,386 --> 00:15:51,857 That's true. She didn't know. 331 00:15:52,012 --> 00:15:54,183 "To Ms. Perry, I leave my iPod nano... 332 00:15:54,807 --> 00:15:57,856 ...filled with music to take life less seriously by." 333 00:15:58,018 --> 00:15:59,940 Oh, that's nice. 334 00:16:00,104 --> 00:16:03,616 "Also this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm... 335 00:16:03,774 --> 00:16:06,278 ...in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out... 336 00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:09,029 ...and you wish to raise an army of geniuses. 337 00:16:09,321 --> 00:16:13,118 Shirley. Did you know you are not only a credit to your race and gender... 338 00:16:13,284 --> 00:16:16,878 ...but to our species? I was intimidated by your strength of character... 339 00:16:17,037 --> 00:16:18,793 - ...and business acumen?" - Yes. 340 00:16:18,956 --> 00:16:22,135 "To Shirley Bennett, I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida... 341 00:16:22,751 --> 00:16:26,382 ...where she can take what's-his-name and however many children she has. 342 00:16:26,547 --> 00:16:29,181 I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm. 343 00:16:30,134 --> 00:16:34,061 Annie Edison. Did you know that you were always my favourite?" 344 00:16:34,221 --> 00:16:35,514 You mentioned it once, but... 345 00:16:35,681 --> 00:16:38,944 "I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept. 346 00:16:39,101 --> 00:16:41,865 Same tiara I used to wear when my mother would assault me... 347 00:16:42,021 --> 00:16:43,611 ...for not being a little girl. 348 00:16:43,772 --> 00:16:44,816 Also sperm. 349 00:16:45,733 --> 00:16:46,777 Jeff Winger. 350 00:16:46,942 --> 00:16:48,829 - Did you know you're gay?" - No. 351 00:16:48,986 --> 00:16:50,374 "Agree to disagree. 352 00:16:50,529 --> 00:16:52,866 To you, I leave this bottle of fine Scotch... 353 00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:57,338 ...so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm. 354 00:16:57,495 --> 00:16:59,713 Abed Nadir. Did you know that you are insane... 355 00:16:59,872 --> 00:17:02,007 ...and nothing you said made any sense to me?" 356 00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:04,005 - Yep. - "Here's your sperm. 357 00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:05,342 Troy Barnes. 358 00:17:06,003 --> 00:17:09,052 Did you know that you possess the greatest gift life can give? 359 00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:10,342 The heart of a hero. 360 00:17:11,258 --> 00:17:14,640 And that it's up to you not to waste it like I did?" 361 00:17:15,846 --> 00:17:16,973 I think. 362 00:17:17,139 --> 00:17:18,979 "To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm." 363 00:17:21,185 --> 00:17:23,404 Maybe it's because everyone else got one... 364 00:17:23,562 --> 00:17:28,865 ...and because it's an old man's semen, but I'm kind of disappointed. 365 00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:33,284 "Also, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares... 366 00:17:33,447 --> 00:17:38,003 ...in the Hawthorne Wipes Company currently valued at $14.3 million. 367 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,212 On one condition. 368 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:45,672 You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon... 369 00:17:45,835 --> 00:17:48,303 ...by yourself around the entire world." 370 00:17:48,462 --> 00:17:50,550 - What? - Again with the bait and switch. 371 00:17:50,714 --> 00:17:53,728 "When I was 23, my father asked me to do the same thing... 372 00:17:53,884 --> 00:17:55,724 ...to earn my adulthood and his fortune. 373 00:17:55,886 --> 00:17:58,105 I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize... 374 00:17:58,264 --> 00:18:01,396 ...for a year doing coke with John Denver. I always regretted it. 375 00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:04,572 I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did: 376 00:18:04,979 --> 00:18:07,315 Become your own man." 377 00:18:07,731 --> 00:18:09,285 Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy. 378 00:18:09,441 --> 00:18:13,155 It should be possible to contest these conditions as unreasonable. 379 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,038 Pierce can take his mind games, his sperm and he can put... 380 00:18:16,198 --> 00:18:18,250 - I'll do it. - What? 381 00:18:20,035 --> 00:18:21,079 Troy? 382 00:18:21,245 --> 00:18:24,591 Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah... 383 00:18:24,748 --> 00:18:28,509 ...but I think he knew something about me that even I didn't know until now. 384 00:18:28,669 --> 00:18:33,593 Because he's offering me something I've been searching for my whole life. 385 00:18:35,759 --> 00:18:38,263 Millions of dollars. 386 00:18:38,429 --> 00:18:41,442 And being a man or whatever he said. 387 00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,895 Jeff, say something. 388 00:18:46,145 --> 00:18:47,438 I'm speechless. 389 00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:52,739 Somebody say something. Abed? 390 00:18:56,614 --> 00:18:58,085 Cool. 391 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,043 Cool, cool, cool. 392 00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:02,088 That's a lie. 393 00:19:12,630 --> 00:19:14,516 And then that sperm came down. 394 00:19:14,673 --> 00:19:16,643 I mean, I couldn't say anything. 395 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,141 But, oh, my God. 396 00:19:18,302 --> 00:19:19,856 I was gonna explode. 397 00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,646 And then that one, that last question... 398 00:19:22,806 --> 00:19:25,440 ...with all of that nice stuff out on the table. 399 00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:28,401 You were having this discussion about whether or not to quit? 400 00:19:28,562 --> 00:19:30,283 At first, I was like: 401 00:19:31,106 --> 00:19:32,281 But you did it. 402 00:19:32,441 --> 00:19:33,652 You did it. 403 00:19:33,818 --> 00:19:35,455 It was amazing. 404 00:19:35,611 --> 00:19:36,952 You're amazing, man. 405 00:19:37,112 --> 00:19:40,161 You're amazing. Guys, this is the best. 406 00:19:40,324 --> 00:19:42,459 We should do this every week. 407 00:19:42,618 --> 00:19:44,588 Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know? 408 00:19:44,745 --> 00:19:46,667 I mean, you talk about lying? 409 00:19:46,831 --> 00:19:48,171 I was lying the whole time. 410 00:19:48,332 --> 00:19:50,420 This is who I really am. This is me. 411 00:19:50,584 --> 00:19:52,755 This is the real me. I'm artistic. 412 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,432 Ideas come to me all the time. 413 00:19:56,590 --> 00:19:58,512 I have this idea for a movie. 414 00:19:58,676 --> 00:20:01,357 It's about this guy who oversees polygraph tests... 415 00:20:01,512 --> 00:20:04,098 ...and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is. 416 00:20:04,265 --> 00:20:06,601 People can't focus and tell the truth. 417 00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:07,978 It's unbelievable. 418 00:20:08,644 --> 00:20:12,191 By the way, we never found out how Pierce died. 419 00:20:12,356 --> 00:20:15,322 Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't tell you yet. 420 00:20:15,484 --> 00:20:19,874 It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders. 421 00:20:20,030 --> 00:20:23,293 I mean, it's how I wanna go, but, hey, I'm a little nutty. 422 00:20:25,077 --> 00:20:27,581 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 423 00:20:27,746 --> 00:20:29,716 Shots!