Pierce, you made us all drive out to a warehouse
in the middle of nowhere.
You could at least tell us why.
Hey, I know as much as you.
I got a letter
from the executor of my father's estate.
It said to come out here with my seven closest friends.
You brought six.
Well, who else was he gonna bring?
Levar Burton was a maybe.
Mr. Hawthorne.
I apologize. - Gilbert.
Even from the grave, my father's got you
by the short and curly salt and pepperies.
My name is Gilbert Lawson.
I was Cornelius Hawthorne's assistant for over 30 years,
and before that, I was just the teenager
who read the Bible to him in the bath.
- ew. - All right, all right.
It's inheritance time.
How 'bout that check, soul brother?
Your father did leave you something,
but it's more of an activity.
Thank you for keeping it as creepy as possible.
This looks like a multi-Player gaming interface.
I've heard enough.
Oh, that diabolical old fossil face.
I asked him for money to invest in video games
back in 1979.
Cornelius spent over 30 years developing a video game for you.
It was his dying wish
that you and seven of your closest friends would play it.
Lavar Burton was a maybe.
So, please, choose a seat.
Cool.
So a 100-year-Old man designed a 30-year-Old video game?
This I've got to see.
once you're seated behind your computers,
a photograph of you will be taken
and an avatar will be made from your likeness.
I didn't bring my likeness.
Don't smile.
All right, everyone, let's begin.
?T× ?T×
- Nice! - Cool.
- Old school. - Cool, cool, cool.
Which one is me? I assume nothing because I'm not racist.
aww! We're adorable!
Why did this thing take photos
if it was going to completely fabricate random body shapes?
That's what I'm saying! My hair looks good, though.
Orange button is jump.
Whee!
Which guy am I?
There's a door here.
- Peace. Love. - What's that?
- I think it's a hippie. - Peace. Love.
aww!
Annie, stop "Awing" everything.
don't be jaded. He's saying "Peace."
Hello. - Sex.
- Did he say "Sex"? - Drugs. Sex.
Oh, my god.
hold on, I'm coming.
- oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! - Darn! Shoot!
Dang it. Um-- - Jeff, you just murdered Annie.
Well, better than doing nothing!
- I'm not sure that's the case. - that's debatable.
You guys, help me.
- the way you helped Annie? - Sex.
Before we engage,
we should hang back and study their tactics.
- What? - Group sex.
Oh, my god!
Oh, cool, I'm alive.
Pierce? - This game makes no sense.
What happened to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
Pierce, point the joystick right.
So I'm supposed to just guess that?
Where are the instructions?
Take that! Take that! Yeah, we rule!
Oh, you guys are alive.
You re-Spawn in the study room when you die.
Here, I'll show you.
- Hey! - Jeffrey! Shame on you!
"hang back and study their tactics"?
Let him get it out of his system.
Ah, forget it. Let's just keep moving.
Now what?
Welcome to hawkthorne.
that's dad's voice. Dad?
Piercinald, in 1980,
you said that video games, not moist towelettes,
were the business of the future.
Today, moist towelettes are stocked in every supermarket,
while arcade after arcade closes.
He's got a point.
nevertheless, I designed this game
to be played upon my death
by you and whatever cabal of fruits,
junkies, and sluts you call your friends.
Her name is Britta.
Only one player can win--
The first to reach my throne Inside castle hawkthorne.
Their reward, Pierce, will be your inheritance.
- What? - His inheritance? What?
So you see, Pierce, turns out you were right.
Video games are important.
Worst son ever!
Well, great. How do I fight you guys?
Which button fights?
- Pierce, stop. - Pierce, relax.
Pierce, stay in the game, stay in the game.
Pierce, calm down.
Nobody's gonna fight you. Why not?
Because when you're friends with someone for three years,
it's weird to steal their family's money.
And there wouldn't be a lot of sport in beating you.
Look at yourself. Yeah, he's right.
You're playing the game wrong.
Why is Harry belafonte in here?
It's Gilbert.
You're not supposed to cooperate,
you're supposed to compete.
Thanks for the advice,
but I think we can choose how we want to play.
- I suppose we can. - is he being ominous?
Why are you being ominous?
Whoa. We can pick stuff up?
This game is more complex than you can imagine.
And aside from its programmers,
who have all been deported back to China,
I'm the one who knows how it works.
Run, run! He's gonna throw a knife!
He's gonna throw a knife! Go!
Jump! Jump!
Wah!
Wait! What are you--?
he's a psychopath! He's suffo--
Yeah.
Hey, look, Buddy, I know it must have sucked
being colonel Sanders' manservant and all,
but Pierce is technically our friend,
and we're not gonna watch you screw him over.
Perhaps you should be asking yourselves
how you intend to stop me.
How about if we come over there and kick your ass?
Go get him, Troy.
Be my guest.
But 30 seconds after you leave your chairs,
the weight sensors will recognize it
as an automatic forfeit.
Weight sensors?
That's it. Let's get that jag!
- Yeah! - Get him!
- Kick that hippie's ass! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Let's go! Move, move, move!
- I think he left a note. - What?
"after you've squandered the last of your savings,
"I'll watch you writhe, penniless, in the gutter,
"through a telescope in the penthouse office
of Hawthorne tower."
you can leave notes. This game is incredible.
Pierce?
- No, Pierce! - Please, no!
We need you!
Just let me die.
Pierce, so Gilbert knows a couple tricks.
Big deal. We outnumber him.
And most importantly, while he's fighting for greed,
we're fighting for friendship,
which means we can't lose, okay?
- Okay. - Okay!
I guess there's no hug button.
Everybody keep Pierce protected.
We have to get him to the throne of hawkthorne before Gilbert.
And don't forget, when you die,
you go all the way back to the study room.
So...don't die.
Good pep talk, Jeff.
Yeah, I used to love dying,
but that speech really turned me around.
Whatever.
What's that? Kill it!
It's a girl milking a cow, Pierce.
I'll check it out. I owe Jeff that.
I wasn't gonna say it.
I am Hilda. I live in the village.
- Lesbian. - Shh!
I can help with that.
I have information on many topics.
Cool.
The throne is in castle hawkthorne, north of here.
You unlock the castle with the white crystal of discipline,
which you must free from the black caverns.
I'm picking up on some hidden symbolism.
right, "White Crystal."
You think dad was into meth?
You can usually get supplies in a town like this.
Man, why can't my mom be here?
She always said my video game Knowledge would come in handy.
I never believed her.
Everybody split up and take a hut.
Our only chance of beating Gilbert is to cover more ground.
I have information on the following topics.
Holy crap.
Where have you been my whole life?
I buy and sell weapons and armor.
Cool. We need weapons.
ooh. Well, what's free?
Can we have a torch?
- Thief! Thief! - Annie, put it back.
Sorry. Sorry.
Arr! Arr!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, my god. - Oh, oh! Oh, no!
What are you doing? - It was an accident!
- Arrr! - He's dying!
- Arrrrrr! - All right, hold on, hold on!
Arrr! Arrr!
Now what are you doing?
He was suffering!
Yeah, from axe wounds!
Well, if this isn't worth any points, what is?
You're asking me? I'm still looking for a pong paddle.
- Let's play poker. - Oh, now we're talking.
Check the desk. I'll check the dresser.
How do I straighten that painting?
You can't. Stop playing like a girl.
Stop playing like a girl?
Here's the thing about women, Jeff.
We don't Hack and slash our way through life
because we're one with life.
- Help me hide the body. - Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord.
Shirley, these things happen in video games.
- They do? - Yes.
We can't get hung up
on Real world morality.
We need to survive and win.
Hello, I'm the blacksmith's wife--Aah! Help!
- Oh, crap! - Guard the door.
What?
Shirley!
No witnesses!
Grab everything you can carry.
I'll check upstairs for any more family.
Don't give me that look. These are your loose ends.
I'm just tying 'em up.
This is so cool.
Where are your clothes?
Pierce taught me poker.
I'm not good at it.
You still talking to this girl?
Yeah, she only has three moves
that you activate with basic patterns of stimulus.
I've never felt this way before.
- Abed, don't get weird. - Oh, I won't.
She's not ready for anything serious,
but she wants me to meet her family.
- My father is the blacksmith. - her father's a blacksmith.
- Hello! - Everybody go shopping?
That's all we did.
Is that hut on fire?
Oh, my. What an unexplained tragedy.
don't we look comfy at a cauldron.
check it out.
Ooh, see, I'll put all of this in here,
and then that, and then I'll hit this.
What is it?
I assume, like, a strength potion.
Then I assume it's poison.
You're just jealous because we found a world
where I know what I'm doing.
This place is 20 cat turds and a pixies poster
from being your apartment.
What's with the st. Pauli girl?
Hilda's parents lived there.
Now she has no family.
She'll be forced to marry a male villager
or take her chances in the wilderness.
What kind of game is this?
Oh, crap, it's Gilbert. Well, well, well.
Looks like someone's one step behind.
Yeah, if you're looking for equipment, tough luck.
The store was lost in a freak accident.
I hardly need equipment, young lady.
While you were shopping, I gained enough levels to do this.
Uh-Huh, come on and bring it!
He's shooting lightning and I'm naked!
Get behind us! We have armor!
Oh! Whoa!
Aah!
Oh, great! Gilbert!
Oh, great! Evil Jedi lightning Gilbert!
oh!
Britta, drink that super strength potion you made.
Oh, right, right, right, right.
Hurry up, Britta!
I'm trying, I'm trying! Aah!
Damn it, I thought we could count on Britta
to not screw up drinking.
This'll be fun.
what the hell?
Here's hoping we can count on her
to screw up making potions.
Unbelievable.
Jeff bet all our lives on Britta and won,
and I lost my pants to a pair of nines.
very well.
Let's play.
Abed, are you sure about this?
Yeah. It just feels like the right thing to do.
Hey, I made it back.
You guys never died. How did you beat Gilbert?
Oh, you know. Teamwork.
We were headed for the black caves
to find the white crystal.
We were just saying good-Bye to abed.
I'm gonna stay here in the village with Hilda
and help her rebuild her life.
Abed, she's a program.
People have said similar things about me.
Uh-Oh. He's playing the rain man card.
Let's bounce.
I've got an inheritance to win.
?T× ?T×
Offensive. Called it.
Shut up, Britta.
?T× ?T×
You did great in there, Jeff.
Shut up, Pierce.
?T× ?T×
Okay, duck. Stay ducked.
Okay, unduck.
Okay, now jump.
I think we're almost there.
Thank god. This cave is the worst.
I know, I don't know what's more offensive--
The actual racism or the insulting notion
that it might somehow rub off on us.
look out! Jive turkeys!
Kill them before they start multiplying!
- Yeah, suck on this! - Take that, jive turkey!
All right! The White crystal!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- Get it! - Get it!
I'll take it.
I've earned it by having friends.
This is it.
It certainly is.
- No, man! - You again?
Now I'll have that crystal.
I think you'll have this.
whoops.
Arrows!
What? Come on!
Where'd you get all that stuff?
You've only been alive for an hour.
Well, that was not fair.
What the hell, Gilbert?
You're cheating, which I have no problem with,
but you're getting caught, and that's not cool!
Yeah, don't be a knob.
That inheritance is rightfully mine!
Rightfully?
I'm his son.
- So am I. - Oh.
What? That can't be True.
You're half...white. - Nice save.
Do you remember your childhood nanny, Etta?
Well, Etta had a hot cousin.
My mother.
So you see, Pierce,
I am your half-Brother,
and I am more your father's son than you ever were,
so shut up and play the game.
Why you-- - Let's go, Pierce.
Okay, look, I know things seem hopeless
because he's all the way to the castle with the crystal
and we're starting over,
but here's the thing--
We're better at this game now.
We've died and been reborn, and that makes us heroes.
- Charge! - Let's get him!
?T× ?T×
I guess the fact that we're still playing
means he hasn't won yet.
Yeah, but what's the point?
He'll just keep cheating until he wins.
Why are all the trees cut down?
Isn't this where abed's village was?
- Hello, old friends. - abed!
You remember Hilda.
I live in the village. I love abed.
Did she just say your name?
Yeah, if you Max out a character's trust
and affection levels, you can gain access
to a front-End scripting language.
Watch.
Cool cool cool!
She can make babies for me.
Oh, and I can't?
I can't.
Come on inside.
I built this from scratch.
Check out my castle.
- Oh, it's nice. - Wow.
I hope this isn't blood gold.
This is my family.
Baby abed has my eyes and her bonnet.
Each baby is capable of executing custom code,
which means you can write a code
that makes one baby tell another baby what to do,
much like real children on a playground.
Oh, abed, but--
Annie, let's find the tin man's heart later.
Abed, how much stuff do you have here
and what can we make with it?
- That depends. - on?
On what you can imagine.
Baby abeds: Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Welcome.
You are the first to make it to the throne of hawkthorne.
Let me take a look at you.
According to your complexion,
I think you might be Gilbert Lawson.
Is this True?
Just a moment.
Hello, Gilbert.
Due to the nature of our relationship,
I'll need your electronic signature
on this legally-Binding agreement.
it dictates that you will never, ever
besmirch the Hawthorne name
with Any outlandish notions
regarding you genealogical origins.
You are the bastard offspring
of a colored seductress
and an unknown, weak-Willed miscegenist...
it's a simple question, Gilbert.
Do you agree?
Thank you for being honest, Gilbert.
No!
I'm your son!
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
I always knew you'd disappoint me.
Baby abeds: Cool cool cool! Cool Cool cool!
Cool Cool cool!
Ah, I see you've chosen teamwork.
A coward's strategy.
I will upgrade your challenge accordingly.
?T× ?T×
I bequeath my fortune to no inferiors.
?T× ?T×
- Yeah! - Attack!
What's this now?
Whoo hoo hoo hoo! Here we go!
Get him! Aim for the joints!
Baby ABEDS: Cool cool cool! Cool Cool cool!
- Take that! - Get him!
Die, racism!
Troy and ABED: ?T× Troy and abed shooting lava ?T×
Yeah!
Take that!
- Aah! - Aah! Oh, no! Aah!
Hey! Look at me now, dad!
Aah!
I suppose you're wondering, player,
why record myself breathing weird
and letting you destroy me.
Because I am a man of honor.
So you've earned the pleasure of my death.
But I didn't.
I'm not the one that beat you.
Yes, you are.
We're forfeiting.
Stations one through seven abandoned.
Players disqualified.
Gilbert, you're right.
You were more his son than me.
You took all his crap
and you didn't even get to take his name.
He once sat on me in church just so he could see better.
We've only been playing this game a couple of hours.
You've been playing it your whole life,
and now it's time for your reward, brother.
So get in there and kill our dad.
Thank you, Pierce.
Wait a second. Here, take this.
- oh! - Whoa!
- You may need it. - Oh, Pierce.
You really don't know how this works, do you?
Are you always carrying that?
Not in the shower.
I'd like to thank you again for today
and offer my apologies for my conduct.
I wasn't myself.
Family can make a person do a lot of crazy things.
I understand. I have an uncle who makes his own pizza.
- don't worry about it. - Yeah, totally.
if it would make it up to any of you in any way,
there's a bar in town called skeepers,
and I hear they make a specialty drink--
a Margarita, in fact, and it's served in a glass
an entire yard long.
My treat. - Score.
This is the greatest day of my life.
I've always wanted to have a brother.
Hey, Hey, settle a bet.
The word "Mulatto, " is it okay or just borderline?
- We apologize for him. - Oh, that's okay. He's family.
Hilda, my love, I said I'd come back for you.
I don't know.
I just think that in a parallel universe,
blorgons are-- - hold on.
a baby. I wasn't expecting this.
guess we'll have to support it.
I guess I could get some kind of job,
maybe at beans and more.
I'll probably have to work double shifts, but--
Oh, I see.
While you're off, climbing the ladder at beans and more,
I'll just stay home and raise him alone.
That's fine. I'll just give up on my dreams.
- Here we go. - What?
He needs to learn a strong man can cry.
So, what were you saying about blorgons?
They're actually called glorbons.