- And Andre's going as Han Solo.
- Oh!
- The boys are stormtroopers
and little baby Ben is an ewok.
- Oh! - Oh!
- Aw, you don't have enough children.
- Happy Halloween parties, everyone.
You all look great... ham.
- Pig. Let me guess.
You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless,
wearing silk underwear.
- And you are as wrong as you are welcome.
Now, this year, I planned a two-person costume with Annie.
She's going as my ring girl.
- Pretty freaky-deaky, huh?
- Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl.
They're the sexy ones that hold the round numbers.
- Yeah, see?
This is why we can't just text about it, Jeff.
I don't watch sports.
- But there's no boxer in the ring.
- Yeah, well, I don't watch scary movies.
- And that's why we leave the couples' costumes
to the couples, she said wisely.
- You should probably warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.
- Just because we're dating doesn't mean
that we have to do everything together.
- Well, you need to do some things together.
- We do some things.
We do a lot of things.
Not all the things.
Things.
- Okay, so, we're all here, minus Pierce,
who wasn't invited to Vicki's party
for reasons beyond ourcontrol or concern.
- No mystery there. She put a pencil through his face.
- Does Vicki have a TV? - Abed, it's a party.
You're not watching TV. - No, I'll be watching Annie.
She started watching Cougar town re-runs,
which makes Annie my third favorite show,
and tonight is their hallo-wine special.
- Ooh, that's right. Better not miss the Merlot.
Clink! What? You fall into it.
- That was Pierce.
He accidentally locked himself
in his panic room and he needs our help.
- Oh! - Oh!
- No, "Oh!"
"Oh" means we are going against our will,
and we are not going.
He's lying.
- He seemed pretty upset,
and he's been all alone up there in that mansion
ever since I moved out, and his dad, you know,
got killed by Jeff.
- Hmm, calling for help. A classic call for help.
Hello, Dr. Perry's Office. Damaged psyche?
Yes, I'll accept the charges.
- Heads, lock up your brains.
Britta's on the prowl for fresh therapy meat.
- Maybe we should just stop by on our way to the party.
- I assure you,
the only thing Pierce is trapped in is adolescence.
He is a geriatric toddler,
throwing the most elaborate tantrums money can buy,
and I, for one, am not gonna stand by
and allow some lonely, ridiculous person
to derail our group's plans.
- Ding, ding, ding! To your corners, fighters.
Someone save me a towel.
you guys going to Vicki's party?
- We just gotta do this thing first.
♪ give me some rope ♪
♪ time in a dream ♪
♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said it could be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
- Oh.
Holy Helen, this place is huge.
- It seems spookier than I remember.
- Ah, the only thing spooky about this place
is the tacky decor.
It's like David Lee Roth threw up Miami Vice.
so tacky.
- I don't know.
Maybe Pierce isn't doing so well
since he lost his father and then his inheritance
in a video game battle with Gilbert,
an illegitimate half-Brother he never knew he had.
I guess I've never said it out loud.
- Guys, over here.
Mr. Hawthorne's panic room,
one of the 27 stops on the guided tour
I had to memorize before moving into Hawthorne Manor.
- Does the house get many visitors?
- You're the first.
Impenetrable titanium carbonite door,
Hacker-Proof key-Code access panel,
and impressive video telecom screen with remote.
Maximum occupancy one, with female companion.
Purchased June 30, 1989.
It took me forever to remember that date.
- June 30, 1989.
Theatrical release of do the right thing.
- oh!
Oh.
- Wait!
It might be a trap. Or it might let him out.
Either way, we-- - Oh, put a sock in it, shorts.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Pierce, are you okay?
- Oh, sure. Fine, fine.
I was dusting in here,
and I must have bumped a switch or something.
As the graceful one in the group,
I'm kind of embarrassed.
- don't be.
I've been locked in way worse places than this.
Oh, not against my will.
Been in there long?
- No, not long, but I couldn't remember the damn code.
Sorry to be a burden on you guys,
but I guess that's all I am now.
- oh! - Oh!
- It's okay. We're happy to help.
- Yeah, no sweat, boba fett.
- Yeah. Do you have a TV?
- What Abed means is, did you write the code down anywhere?
- Yes. It's in a red notebook in my study
or my bedroom, maybe.
I used to know where everything was
before I fired my maid.
Now there's no reason to use my safe.
- that's okay. We'll find it. It'll take two secs.
- Or we take one sec and just skip to the catch.
This place has not been dusted in months,
and he starts with the panic room?
No sale. He's not a sad old man.
He's a sad old liar. - Jeffrey!
- No, no, he's right. I've been lying to you.
The truth is, last night, I got up
to get a glass of red W--Uh, water,
and on my way back from the cellar,
I saw something that scared me so badly,
I locked myself in here, on purpose.
The part about not remembering the code is True.
I'm very thirsty.
- Why didn't you call me sooner?
- I had to come up with that awesome dusting story
because if you knew what spooked me,
you'd probably call me crazy and old.
- No one's gonna call you, Pierce.
- You can tell us. We're here to help you.
- I thought I saw my dad. - Oh!
- It looked like his face was coming right through the wall,
but that's impossible, because my dad is dead.
- aha!
I mean, not, aha, your dad is dead,
But, aha, I knew it.
Ghost dad, exploring your haunted mansion
for secret codes?
Nice try, Pierce. You gotta be kidding me!
What in the Scooby-Doo is happening to you people?
- Jeff, just go to the party, and we'll meet you there.
We're gonna stay here and help Pierce.
- He doesn't need help. He needs attention.
Are you really this naive? - Am I naive?
I'm sure as stuff not your sexy little ring girl.
- I-- - Can it, ham.
She's also my ride.
- Troy said--
- Pierce's bedroom is the third door on the left.
I didn't leave my short-term memory at Coachella.
- Jeez, Winger, keep it above the belt.
- I'm sorry. - Ah, already forgotten.
- This house is getting to me.
- I know. Kind of weird that a dead person used to live here.
- No, what's weird is that a living person lived here
with his parents, well into his 60s.
Then they died, and he's still here,
like a paralyzed Peter Pan.
- Not for long.
I'm gonna set my shrink-ray to daddy issues
and blast that sucker full of closure.
- Well, I guess it can't hurt.
- Exactly, because, in one way or another,
therapy is always helpful.
- No, because there's no possible way
you could mess him up worse.
It's like practicing on a cadaver.
Knock yourself out.
- This has got to be it.
- ugh.
I wish I didn't have so much exposed skin.
agh.
- Tubular.
- I, too, lack the adjectives.
- ♪ Heaven-- ♪
- Now, how does one search for a red notebook
that doesn't exist without looking, touching,
or creating future nightmares?
- I'll check the nightstand.
- I'll check my messages.
- Oh, my God.
Pierce keeps his dad's bowtie by his bed.
Yeesh.
Table for siggy Freud, party of--
- Britta, stop answering phones.
How about we ask rip Van racism where the codes are?
- Don't. That's not nice. - What?
He was a tight-Fisted, philandering bigot
who got to outlive most Bridges.
We don't owe him our reverence.
So, how about it, you old bag of dust?
You got our numbers?
- I'm serious. Stop it. - Come on.
You don't really believe in ghosts?
- I don't know. I'm just not so quick to rule it out.
I believe people can be haunted
by unresolved issues in their past.
- Yeah, but issues don't turn into ghosts.
- Maybe for Pierce, they have.
Maybe Pierce and his dad
have some seriously unfinished business.
- No, the dead can't have business.
They can't want or think or do.
It's what makes them dead.
It's the living who choose to be haunted.
Cornelius was barely a dad.
Now, he's nothing.
And Pierce keeps staring into that void
or he can turn around, face his future like I did,
and say, "who gives a crap who my dad was?
I'm my own man now. I--"
wow. Pretty slick, Britta,
using ghosts to trick me into opening up.
Too bad it didn't work.
- Aw, man, so this is what the zone feels like.
Oh! Analyze this!
- We don't want to go over the same area twice,
so be thorough.
- Thorough. Got it.
More of a burnt umber, but I won't hold that against him.
"Pierce Hawthorne's ideas for ladies"?
Oh, please.
"Blonde, long legs, with tennis racquet.
"Asian rockette.
Big boobs, redhead, but doctor," question mark.
Oh, he's not 100% on that one?
- This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
- How long is this?
Okay, I don't have the codes.
Maybe Shirley and Troy
are having better luck in the library.
Abed?
If this is supposed to be, like,
that part in that movie that's like this,
I would like to remind you that I don't watch scary movies
and therefore cannot appreciate the homage.
Abed?
Aah!
I hate reference humor.
- Hold on.
I've been offended by this coat rack before.
Are we going in circles?
- Okay, so maybe I spent
a little less time in the library
than, say, the walk-In cereal closet,
but it's definitely near here.
- You skipped this door.
- Pierce told me I don't need to go in there.
- then it's probably the library.
Racist son of a--
sodom and gomorrah.
- It's Pierce's special gym.
He never let me use it, 'cause he thinks I'm a child.
- Hold--
- He's hiding the indoor swing,
and I'm the child.
- No.
Troy, get out of there.
- Why does he have so many collars?
Secret dogs!
- Oh, it's okay. Come on. Oh, no.
Forget you saw that,
and then forget I knew what it was.
- Great, you won't tell me, Pierce won't tell me.
I have no idea what to Google. I'll never know.
- believe me, dating Britta,
you'll know too much too soon soon enough.
- What does Britta have to do with this?
- Well, she's a modern woman with experienced tastes.
I think it's nice you two are dating.
I only hope she doesn't make you feel pressured.
- pressured to what? - To fulfill her expectations.
Expectations of what?
Never mind. - Unsatisfied with what?
- Whaaaa--Oh. - Whaaaa--Oh.
- I lost Abed.
I turned around and he disappeared.
- I told you to never let him out of your sight.
That goes double for holidays and wax museums.
- How are we gonna find him?
- I don't know, but we have to.
He's probably already looking for us.
- aah!
- Oh, well, that's hallo-Wine in cougar town for ya.
Oh, ladies, I'll follow you anywhere.
- I do not have daddy issues. - You get two minutes.
- Denial is the first step to acceptance.
- that can't be right. - Says the deny-ist.
- Not a word.
- You want to keep digging this hole?
Confronting your daddy issues now
could prevent you from ending up haunted, like Pierce.
- I'll never end up like Pierce. - Won't you?
- No, because I'm nothing like him.
- aren't you? - Are you gonna keep doing that?
- Am I? - The worst therapist? No.
Because you're not a therapist.
But since your misdiagnosing by a mile,
let me point out some differences.
Pierce was raised by his dad.
Mine took off when I was eight.
Pierce spent his whole, pathetic life
begging for scraps of his father's approval.
I moved on.
Maybe Pierce needs a dad. I don't.
- don't you? - Stop that!
Okay, if I need a dad so bad,
how come I've had his phone number for three weeks
without the slightest urge to call him?
- You found your dad?
- Did I?
- Give it here!
- I remember when this show was about a community college.
- No, you take the fish sticks, senator.
Enjoy the boat show.
cool.
cool, cool, cool.
- Just let me see the number, for medical purposes!
- No!
- Help me heal your heart hole!
- Never!
So, this is where Pierce has been hiding the taste.
- Here's to you, Cornelius.
Gone, But not forgiven.
Of course.
Otherwise, it wouldn't be pointless.
- This is pointless.
We have no Abed, no codes.
Pierce sent us on a wild goose Chase.
Jeff was right. I am naive.
- Oh, don't listen to him.
- there's nothing naive about helping a friend in need.
Jeff would know that if he wasn't too cool
for after-School specials.
- Thanks, Troy.
- don't worry. Abed's here.
I can feel him.
Maybe we should loop back to the indoor swing room.
- Indoor swing? That's ridiculous.
Someone's gonna break a lamp.
- Break something on it.
- Britta, while I applaud your gentle approach
to psychoanalysis,
I'm not gonna talk about it.
Hey, cut it out!
you're gonna break the... door.
- Well, look who came crawling back.
- I'm not crawling. Walking. Quite briskly.
Follow!
- I like talking to you, Annie. It's easy.
I hope you feel like you can talk to me too.
- Ohh!
Uh, I--
- Spit it out. No secrets between roomies.
- Behind you!
- I'm behind you too.
- Hands! Wall!
- Not sure where you're going here,
But just let it out.
- aah! - Aah!
- Waah! Aah! Don't let it out! Don't let it out!
- All right, Pierce, turn off your haunted house!
- Aah! - Aah!
- Oh, my God, Pierce is dead.
- Cornelius killed him.
- I broke the remote! Do you think it's expensive?
- Please, Pierce.
Please don't die slightly before your time.
- This means we're next, and I care about us.
- It's okay. I've got the code.
- Oh!
- Where...
- Gotcha!
- What the hell?
- I totally had you guys convinced I was dead.
That'll teach you to value my presence.
- Pierce. - Don't Pierce me.
You were going to Vicki's party without me.
Bet you didn't expect me to fake a haunted house
to teach you a lesson.
- That's exactly what we expected.
- for heaven's sake, Pierce,
Vicki's the one that didn't invite you.
Why didn't you scare her?
- 'cause I hate her.
- Abed, where have you been?
- I found Pierce's secret surveillance room.
Did you guys know he was faking a haunted house?
- This has been Abed nadir with the late report.
- Sorry. Good montages take time.
- man, it was so easy.
A few shadows, a couple of mirror tricks.
A little, custom-built latex walls,
and you're all crappin' in your short pants.
- It was pretty impressive,
particularly the shadowy figure
you hired to watch you sleep.
- Wow, that is creepy.
- A stand-out performance. Is he sad?
- Emergency lockdown.
- What are you doing? - I didn't hire anyone.
- Oh, enough, Pierce. Just open the damn door.
There's no ghost.
- Then how do you explain this?
- You probably asked someone
to help you with your stupid prank
and then forgot.
- Uh-Uh. Levar Burton was a hard no.
There's only one explanation.
I belittled my father's good name for a prank,
and his ghost has returned to scold me
and probably Butcher you guys for going along with it.
- You think hiding in this room is gonna keep you safe?
- Ghosts can't go through doors, stupid.
They're not fire.
- Pierce, I am paying a teenager by the hour
to care about my children so I can go to this party,
so you have to ask yourself,
is the real threat out there or in here?
- Fine. I'll open it myself.
- No, no. He'll scold me!
- Aah!
- Someone's punching in the code from the outside.
- Please tell me one of us is outside.
- Oh!
- Emergency lockdown deactivated.
- May I be of some assistance?
Gilbert!
- Gilbert, what are you doing in my house?
- Well, technically, it's my house.
After our father died,
I became the sole inheritor of his estate,
including all six houses and the decommissioned submarine.
- What? - What?
- So you came here to kick me out?
- Actually, I came here to give you the deed,
but on the day of my arrival, you were out.
I noticed mail piled up by the door.
I took it in, paid the overdue bills,
replaced a few light bulbs, and, well,
that was six weeks ago.
- So you've been living here in secret this whole time?
- Yes.
I'm ashamed to say
that after a lifetime as Cornelius's assistant,
I've had a difficult time adjusting to his passing.
It seems his absence has taken a greater toll
than his presence ever did.
Taking care of Pierce gave my life purpose again,
but now that I've been discovered by your thin friend,
I must apologize and bid you adieu.
Good-Bye, Pierce.
There's a load of clean socks in the dryer.
- Gilbert, Wait. Wait.
Look, I've been doing really well since dad died,
so I don't need anyone taking care of me,
but if you're having a tough time...
Well, I guess I could use a roommate.
- Will there be anything else, brother?
- Yes. Bring it in.
- Ohh. - Ohh.
- Have fun at the party.
Tell Vicki I say happy Halloween.
That'll mess with her.
- You sure you don't want to come?
- I've got a Mask for you to wear.
One that doesn't zip at the mouth.
- No, thanks.
I'll hang around here with Gilbert.
He needs me.
- Oh, that's nice.
- What was all that about masks?
- Don't know, don't want to.
- Fair enough.
Hey, how about you and I skip out on this party?
- Why? To do what and where?
- Oh, I was thinking you could show me
some inspector spacetime.
You're always talking about it.
I've never seen a full episode.
- Oh, are you sure you want to?
It starts pretty slow.
The first inspector couldn't even time-Travel.
- Uhh! That sounds fine.
After a night of running in circles,
trying to untie Winger knots,
I'm looking for something slow.
- Sorry I ruined your night.
- Actually, Pierce ruined my night,
but you were right to let him.
- You still want to go to the party?
I heard Vicki bought dry ice
and gave Leonard the wrong address.
- Uh, I'll take a pass. - Oh.
- I have some unfinished business at home.
- Troy!
Are you in here?
- Abed, was that you?
I want to show you something on the other side of the bookcase.
- Troy?
Find me as soon as you can.
- Who is in my house?
Gilbert!
Hijinks.
- Indubitably.
- Did it work? Are you tall?
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