1
00:00:01,862 --> 00:00:03,644
It's open!
2
00:00:03,645 --> 00:00:08,166
Look at us. Our group's
first grown-up Christmas party.
3
00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:10,051
Thanks for hosting.
I hope you don't mind.
4
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:11,753
I brought a few things
just to make the place
5
00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,405
look a little less short-term
corporate housing.
6
00:00:14,406 --> 00:00:16,724
Oh, well,
mi casa es su art project.
7
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,292
Cool.
8
00:00:18,293 --> 00:00:21,396
Figured
just a little something there,
9
00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:23,598
a little zhuzh right there.
10
00:00:23,599 --> 00:00:26,217
Just a few things
to add a little Annie.
11
00:00:26,218 --> 00:00:27,985
Annie, do we have to have
another talk
12
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,654
about you wanting
to play house with me?
13
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:33,991
Sha.
Sha-na-not.
14
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,244
I'm just decorating
for a party.
15
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:39,213
Oh, I saw these curtains,
and I couldn't resist.
16
00:00:39,214 --> 00:00:40,715
Let's just live with them
for a night.
17
00:00:40,716 --> 00:00:43,317
We can totally return them.
Oh, let's totally return them.
18
00:00:43,318 --> 00:00:46,854
Jeff.
Live with them for one night.
19
00:00:46,855 --> 00:00:49,824
Actually, these will also work
for Valentine's day,
20
00:00:49,825 --> 00:00:51,692
presidents day,
whenever people get to see it.
21
00:00:51,693 --> 00:00:55,797
Annie, what is this?
22
00:00:55,798 --> 00:00:58,266
Oh.
I know we said no gifts,
23
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,468
but I couldn't resist.
24
00:01:00,469 --> 00:01:02,353
You realize you've just put
your friends
25
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,521
in a very awkward position.
26
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,957
A gift creates obligation.
27
00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:07,358
I don't see it that way.
28
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,594
Well, I do, and I think
the others will too.
29
00:01:09,595 --> 00:01:11,512
[Knock at door]
Merry Christmas.
30
00:01:11,513 --> 00:01:13,581
I know we said no gifts,
but I couldn't resist.
31
00:01:13,582 --> 00:01:15,917
Oh, who couldn't have seen
that coming?
32
00:01:15,918 --> 00:01:17,585
Oh, Annie, I love
what you did with the place.
33
00:01:17,586 --> 00:01:19,854
It's a work in progress.
34
00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:22,440
Good tidings,
fellow Christmas celebrators.
35
00:01:22,441 --> 00:01:23,991
And to all a good wassailing.
36
00:01:23,992 --> 00:01:26,344
I know we said no gifts,
but we couldn't resist.
37
00:01:26,345 --> 00:01:30,398
There's a real problem
with resistance in this group.
38
00:01:30,399 --> 00:01:31,966
Hi.
Thank you all so much
39
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,935
for inviting me
to my first Christmas.
40
00:01:33,936 --> 00:01:37,655
Oh, Annie explained to me that
"no gifts" means "bring gifts."
41
00:01:37,656 --> 00:01:40,041
I'm getting it.
No means yes.
42
00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:41,893
[Humming]
43
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:44,094
So this is Christmas.
Just this.
44
00:01:44,095 --> 00:01:46,547
I was hoping we could do
a Die Hard in a restaurant.
45
00:01:46,548 --> 00:01:47,665
There's a place
called Nakatomi Sushi.
46
00:01:47,666 --> 00:01:49,901
I hear the Hans Grouper
is to die for.
47
00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:51,118
Come on, people, it's all
spelled out in your evites.
48
00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:53,404
I know you opened them.
Oh, I brought gifts.
49
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,506
Does Annie live here now?
50
00:01:55,507 --> 00:01:59,293
Okay.
Now that we're all here...
51
00:01:59,294 --> 00:02:01,262
Oh, wait.
Where's Pierce?
52
00:02:01,263 --> 00:02:03,214
Oh, sensitivity training
with Gilbert.
53
00:02:03,215 --> 00:02:05,516
Apparently watching Invictus
didn't do the trick.
54
00:02:05,517 --> 00:02:06,818
Oh. Okay.
55
00:02:06,819 --> 00:02:08,336
Well, now that we are all here,
56
00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:11,989
I have some good news
and some bad news.
57
00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:14,041
Great.
Black licorice?
58
00:02:14,042 --> 00:02:15,176
I have to start
with the bad news.
59
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,978
It's about our history paper.
60
00:02:16,979 --> 00:02:20,231
I heard through back channels
we got a failing grade.
61
00:02:20,232 --> 00:02:22,233
All: What?
- Kendra told me.
62
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:23,918
She does assistant work
for Professor cornwallis.
63
00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:25,820
I'll bet she does.
64
00:02:25,821 --> 00:02:27,572
We failed?
This is terrible.
65
00:02:27,573 --> 00:02:29,457
I need that paper to graduate.
66
00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:31,008
Who screwed up their section?
67
00:02:31,009 --> 00:02:32,777
- Jeff, it doesn't matter.
- No, it matters to me.
68
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:35,196
I want to know who cost me
my early graduation.
69
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:37,131
- I didn't do anything wrong.
- I worked really hard.
70
00:02:37,132 --> 00:02:39,433
Guys, there's no need
to point fingers,
71
00:02:39,434 --> 00:02:41,202
because I haven't told you
the good news.
72
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,037
I invited the Professor
to our party tonight.
73
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,805
- Annie!
- What? How is that better?
74
00:02:44,806 --> 00:02:46,691
No, no, Annie's right.
This could work.
75
00:02:46,692 --> 00:02:48,776
I mean, the grade isn't etched
in stone.
76
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:50,828
I mean, these British guys
like to socialize
77
00:02:50,829 --> 00:02:51,879
with their students.
78
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,564
We just need to show him
a good time,
79
00:02:53,565 --> 00:02:55,233
laugh at his jokes,
80
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:57,235
love whatever he loves,
and by the end of the night
81
00:02:57,236 --> 00:03:00,004
I bet you we can get that grade
back up to a "c."
82
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:00,988
Who knows?
Maybe even an "a."
83
00:03:00,989 --> 00:03:02,490
Or something realistic.
84
00:03:02,491 --> 00:03:04,191
And just like that
our pleasant holiday party
85
00:03:04,192 --> 00:03:06,327
turned into a tense,
high-stakes secret mission.
86
00:03:06,328 --> 00:03:08,613
No costumes.
No funny voices.
87
00:03:08,614 --> 00:03:10,248
- Oh.
- Okay.
88
00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:11,732
But, for the purpose
of story symmetry,
89
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,201
I suggest we wait here silently
until the Professor arrives.
90
00:03:14,202 --> 00:03:15,753
It's the only real plot point
we need next.
91
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:22,426
Oh, what...
this is ridic...
92
00:03:22,427 --> 00:03:23,661
[Doorbell rings]
93
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,897
♪ Give me some rope
94
00:03:25,898 --> 00:03:27,615
♪ tie me to dream
95
00:03:27,616 --> 00:03:28,983
♪ give me the hope
96
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:30,534
♪ to run out of steam
97
00:03:30,535 --> 00:03:34,071
♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪
98
00:03:34,072 --> 00:03:35,823
♪ we could be roped up
99
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,042
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
100
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:43,247
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
101
00:03:43,248 --> 00:03:47,468
♪ one by one,
they all just fade away ♪
102
00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:50,410
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
103
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:52,840
All: Hi!
104
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,809
I'm sorry.
I can't stay long.
105
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:56,560
I've got my daughter in town.
106
00:03:56,561 --> 00:03:57,812
Didn't want to appear rude.
107
00:03:57,813 --> 00:04:01,165
Was I expected to bring a gift?
108
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:04,719
No.
Nor was anyone else.
109
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,304
Can I show you around,
starting with the bar?
110
00:04:06,305 --> 00:04:08,556
A lovely place.
Very feminine.
111
00:04:08,557 --> 00:04:12,143
[Gasps] Did you hear him
use "feminine" as an insult?
112
00:04:12,144 --> 00:04:14,478
Typical phallo-centric
worldview.
113
00:04:14,479 --> 00:04:16,614
I bet he gave us
a failing grade
114
00:04:16,615 --> 00:04:18,349
because he could tell my section
115
00:04:18,350 --> 00:04:20,451
was written
by a strong, independent...
116
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:22,637
Would you excuse me?
I've just seen an old friend.
117
00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:25,289
Hurry back soon.
118
00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:28,476
Hey, Abed,
got you an early Christmas gift.
119
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:31,078
I know you were bummed about not
doing Die Hard in a restaurant.
120
00:04:31,079 --> 00:04:34,348
And your recent divorce.
121
00:04:34,349 --> 00:04:36,934
To Abed:
Yippee-ki-yay, Father Christmas.
122
00:04:36,935 --> 00:04:38,452
I tried to get you
"taking off shoes,"
123
00:04:38,453 --> 00:04:39,503
but I didn't know
how to wrap it.
124
00:04:39,504 --> 00:04:41,038
John McClane's tank top?
125
00:04:41,039 --> 00:04:43,641
You're getting really good
at Christmas, Troy.
126
00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,359
Ooh, things
I've never seen before.
127
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,560
It's Macallan Eighteen.
128
00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:48,746
I like to serve it neat
if that's okay with you?
129
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:49,997
What, in America?
130
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,999
Don't you mix it
with cherry pop
131
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,168
or Monterey Jack cheese?
132
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,687
Professor,
these are melon slices with ham.
133
00:04:56,688 --> 00:04:58,339
And asparagus
wrapped in salmon.
134
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:01,292
I see somebody's
been attempting tapas.
135
00:05:01,293 --> 00:05:02,710
Oh, that would be me.
136
00:05:02,711 --> 00:05:04,912
I think cuisine is like
a window into history.
137
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:06,881
I believe it was the hun...
138
00:05:06,882 --> 00:05:09,433
Actually, you know,
I was talking to the ladies.
139
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,818
Both: Oh.
140
00:05:10,819 --> 00:05:13,371
Well, I'll let... I'll leave
you three be, all right?
141
00:05:13,372 --> 00:05:14,872
Britta.
142
00:05:14,873 --> 00:05:17,808
Look, the Professor
seems to be responding
143
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,326
to things that I don't have,
144
00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:20,961
so you gotta get in there
and jiggle something.
145
00:05:20,962 --> 00:05:22,263
He hates me.
146
00:05:22,264 --> 00:05:23,931
He called me Broken Barbie
all year.
147
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,599
Well, we're all gonna have
to work it
148
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,985
if we're gonna get
that grade changed.
149
00:05:27,986 --> 00:05:29,970
Be honest.
Your section sucked, right?
150
00:05:29,971 --> 00:05:33,324
No way. I read an entire book
on the Peloponnesian War.
151
00:05:33,325 --> 00:05:35,159
Wow.
You pronounced it right.
152
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,894
Then someone else
had to tank it
153
00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:38,095
for us to get that "f."
154
00:05:38,096 --> 00:05:40,748
Someone else?
155
00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:42,583
- Can you keep a secret?
- Yeah.
156
00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:45,269
- I blew my section off.
- What?
157
00:05:45,270 --> 00:05:47,605
Well, there was
a secret Tom Waits show in town,
158
00:05:47,606 --> 00:05:48,772
so I did the math.
159
00:05:48,773 --> 00:05:50,124
There's seven sections
to the paper.
160
00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:52,543
Annie gets an "a,"
Pierce buys his from Neil,
161
00:05:52,544 --> 00:05:53,728
so that's solid.
162
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,246
And then you guys get
"b"s and "c"s,
163
00:05:55,247 --> 00:05:57,331
so, I figured
if my section gets an "f,"
164
00:05:57,332 --> 00:05:59,734
the worst we could end up
with is a "c-minus."
165
00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:01,202
So you just left
your section blank?
166
00:06:01,203 --> 00:06:02,853
No, of course not.
167
00:06:02,854 --> 00:06:04,788
I copied and pasted the lyrics
to war, what is it good for?
168
00:06:04,789 --> 00:06:06,190
- Good God.
- Shh.
169
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,559
Your friends
were counting on you.
170
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,726
Well, that's their fault.
171
00:06:09,727 --> 00:06:11,128
I have carefully cultivated
172
00:06:11,129 --> 00:06:13,547
a persona that screams,
"you're on your own."
173
00:06:13,548 --> 00:06:15,966
That's my judgey face.
174
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,485
Noted.
I'll make it right.
175
00:06:17,486 --> 00:06:19,870
I'm going back in.
176
00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:23,541
How's it going?
Well, he asked me to get
177
00:06:23,542 --> 00:06:25,693
my fit bum to the kitchen
for a refill,
178
00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:26,794
so that's good, right?
179
00:06:26,795 --> 00:06:28,162
Kevin's showing him
a card trick.
180
00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:31,248
What?
Oh, God.
181
00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:32,316
Is this a card?
182
00:06:32,317 --> 00:06:34,018
No, it isn't.
Queen of Hearts.
183
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,603
No, I'm asking, is this a card?
184
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,872
Hey, Kevin, did you know
that we have bubble wrap?
185
00:06:37,873 --> 00:06:40,091
- What?
- Poppy poppy paper.
186
00:06:40,092 --> 00:06:43,194
I so enjoy that.
Do you mind if I pop some?
187
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,261
Oh, go crazy.
188
00:06:44,262 --> 00:06:45,780
Changnesia.
189
00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,165
I mean,
why do you indulge that idiot?
190
00:06:48,166 --> 00:06:50,000
Oh, I, too, was skeptical
at first,
191
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,186
but now I actually have
some sympathy.
192
00:06:52,187 --> 00:06:53,471
I believe
it was tacitus who said...
193
00:06:53,472 --> 00:06:55,939
You know, Mr. Winger,
your pathetic attempts
194
00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:58,092
to suck up to me
are a wee bit transparent.
195
00:06:58,093 --> 00:07:00,261
I mean, I can only surmise
that it's something to do
196
00:07:00,262 --> 00:07:02,580
with the "c-minus" I gave you
for that final paper.
197
00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:04,331
"C-minus"?
198
00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:06,283
Oh, thank you.
Is this the...
199
00:07:06,284 --> 00:07:07,668
If you'll excuse us.
200
00:07:07,669 --> 00:07:09,587
Annie, he's giving us
a "c-minus."
201
00:07:09,588 --> 00:07:11,038
- Right.
- A "c-minus"
202
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,122
is not a failing grade.
203
00:07:12,123 --> 00:07:13,457
To me, it is.
204
00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:14,809
I'm on a Valedictorian track,
205
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,995
and a "c-minus" means I fail
to get Valedictorian.
206
00:07:17,996 --> 00:07:19,630
You ruined our Christmas dinner
207
00:07:19,631 --> 00:07:21,331
so you could be crowned
the smartest person
208
00:07:21,332 --> 00:07:22,600
at the dumbest school?
209
00:07:22,601 --> 00:07:23,684
Look, the only reason I agreed
210
00:07:23,685 --> 00:07:26,036
to kiss
that pompous anglo's ass
211
00:07:26,037 --> 00:07:27,771
was because I thought
we were getting an "f."
212
00:07:27,772 --> 00:07:29,340
Good news, Mr. Winger.
213
00:07:29,341 --> 00:07:31,725
You may remove your lips
from my buttocks,
214
00:07:31,726 --> 00:07:33,511
because you have
in fact succeeded
215
00:07:33,512 --> 00:07:34,728
in changing your grade.
216
00:07:34,729 --> 00:07:36,780
It's now an "f."
What?
217
00:07:36,781 --> 00:07:38,482
You're "f" -ing us?
218
00:07:38,483 --> 00:07:41,402
Professor, if you could
just give us a minute,
219
00:07:41,403 --> 00:07:43,270
this has been
a terrible misunderstanding,
220
00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:47,090
and I'm sure we can get
this whole thing sorted out.
221
00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:49,043
Bedroom.
Now.
222
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,913
Jeff just got us an "f."
223
00:07:52,914 --> 00:07:55,249
- I thought we had an "f."
- No, we were lied to.
224
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:57,000
This isn't fun.
That guy's creepy.
225
00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,135
Yeah, if there's
a human version
226
00:07:58,136 --> 00:07:59,386
of Scrooge McDuck,
this guy is it.
227
00:07:59,387 --> 00:08:00,387
This wouldn't have happened
228
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:01,856
if Jeff hadn't taunted him.
229
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,524
No, it wouldn't have happened
if you hadn't decided
230
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,142
a "c-minus" isn't good enough.
231
00:08:05,143 --> 00:08:06,977
When are you gonna grow up
and realize
232
00:08:06,978 --> 00:08:08,612
that grades don't matter
outside of school?
233
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,514
That's a lie they tell
dumb people
234
00:08:10,515 --> 00:08:12,032
when they're fitting them
for work boots.
235
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,450
All we needed
was a passing grade,
236
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:16,370
and we had it until you
dragged us into this mess.
237
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:19,740
- Judgey face.
- All right.
238
00:08:19,741 --> 00:08:21,325
I will talk to him, man to man,
239
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:22,993
and try to get
our "c-minus" back.
240
00:08:22,994 --> 00:08:24,211
Ah!
241
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,546
Annie, it's the best
we can do right now.
242
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,414
Let me handle this.
Let go of me,
243
00:08:27,415 --> 00:08:29,383
you big, hairy nutter!
244
00:08:30,835 --> 00:08:32,286
I'm proving my worth
to you guys.
245
00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:35,005
Do you want me to kill him?
246
00:08:37,729 --> 00:08:40,246
- Kevin bad!
- I have Changnesia.
247
00:08:40,247 --> 00:08:41,430
I'm not a dog.
248
00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:43,966
Professor, we're so sorry.
249
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:45,985
Obviously,
Kevin made a mistake.
250
00:08:45,986 --> 00:08:47,153
Or did he?
251
00:08:47,154 --> 00:08:48,704
Why are you
"or did he" -ing him?
252
00:08:48,705 --> 00:08:51,223
I'm just saying the Professor
can't get any more tied up,
253
00:08:51,224 --> 00:08:53,175
and we can't get any less
than an "f,"
254
00:08:53,176 --> 00:08:55,611
so let's just take a beat
and think this through.
255
00:08:55,612 --> 00:08:58,264
Okay, this is way better
than Die Hard in a restaurant.
256
00:08:58,265 --> 00:09:00,983
So what exactly
is your plan here, Mr. Winger?
257
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:03,569
I mean, I'm certainly
not gonna change your grade,
258
00:09:03,570 --> 00:09:06,338
and it'll take several days
to starve me
259
00:09:06,339 --> 00:09:09,425
as I really loaded up
on that dreadful tapas.
260
00:09:09,426 --> 00:09:11,777
Oh, but you already
have changed it, Professor.
261
00:09:11,778 --> 00:09:13,012
You just dropped it to an "f,"
262
00:09:13,013 --> 00:09:15,214
thereby proving the work
on the page
263
00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:16,982
is not the only factor
you consider.
264
00:09:16,983 --> 00:09:19,368
And now, thanks to Kevin's
complete misreading
265
00:09:19,369 --> 00:09:22,121
of the situation, we have
our moment of maximum leverage,
266
00:09:22,122 --> 00:09:24,256
so let's just talk
about this "f."
267
00:09:24,257 --> 00:09:27,526
Maybe it can come up
to a "c-minus," or, who knows,
268
00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,278
perhaps an "a."
269
00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:31,147
This is actually a felony.
270
00:09:31,148 --> 00:09:33,449
I mean, I will call the police,
271
00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:35,384
and you will all go to jail.
272
00:09:35,385 --> 00:09:37,253
Let me explain to you
why you won't do that.
273
00:09:37,254 --> 00:09:39,004
First, he's tied up.
274
00:09:39,005 --> 00:09:40,622
First, you're tied up,
and second,
275
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,725
who can really be sure
what happened in this apartment?
276
00:09:42,726 --> 00:09:44,426
Maybe you attacked one of us.
277
00:09:44,427 --> 00:09:47,062
Oh, really?
Where are the signs of struggle?
278
00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:49,849
- Oh.
- You were full of scotch
279
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:51,434
when things took a dark turn.
280
00:09:51,435 --> 00:09:54,570
We'd all heard
about your troubles with co-eds
281
00:09:54,571 --> 00:09:55,737
back at Oxford,
282
00:09:55,738 --> 00:09:59,041
but it was becoming
all too real.
283
00:09:59,042 --> 00:10:01,210
As you lumbered around the room,
we had to assume
284
00:10:01,211 --> 00:10:03,629
you were coming after me
or Britta.
285
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:04,697
Ah-ah-ahem!
286
00:10:04,698 --> 00:10:05,914
Or Shirley,
287
00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:07,817
who I didn't mention earlier,
288
00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:10,236
because she intimidates you
sexually.
289
00:10:10,237 --> 00:10:12,671
- Thank you.
- Point being,
290
00:10:12,672 --> 00:10:14,957
let's just take the idea
of the police
291
00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:16,859
off the table, shall we,
Professor?
292
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,911
Fine. You think you can hold
this group together
293
00:10:18,912 --> 00:10:20,930
without anyone cracking?
294
00:10:20,931 --> 00:10:22,331
Oh, we're solid.
295
00:10:22,332 --> 00:10:25,951
Empires are always destroyed
from within.
296
00:10:25,952 --> 00:10:27,853
And I can prove it to you
297
00:10:27,854 --> 00:10:30,489
from the comparative comfort
of this tacky chair.
298
00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:32,858
I will give an "a" right now
299
00:10:32,859 --> 00:10:35,244
to the first person
that unties me.
300
00:10:35,245 --> 00:10:36,412
The rest of you will fail.
301
00:10:36,413 --> 00:10:39,465
[All shouting]
302
00:10:39,466 --> 00:10:40,599
Stay where you are.
303
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,583
This is amazing
304
00:10:41,584 --> 00:10:42,935
and possibly all in real time.
305
00:10:42,936 --> 00:10:45,187
Everybody, stop it.
No one listen to him.
306
00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:47,656
The Professor's job
is to make us turn
307
00:10:47,657 --> 00:10:48,974
on one another.
We hold all the cards
308
00:10:48,975 --> 00:10:51,277
as long as we stay united.
309
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:52,862
And, Kevin, you're one of us.
310
00:10:52,863 --> 00:10:55,097
- Thank you.
- All right.
311
00:10:55,098 --> 00:10:58,517
Who will be the betrayer...
312
00:10:58,518 --> 00:11:01,187
the type-a lolita,
313
00:11:01,188 --> 00:11:04,039
the put-upon housewife...
Is that me?
314
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,543
Or how about you,
the odd, emotionless Muslim?
315
00:11:07,544 --> 00:11:09,512
I mean, come on,
you don't deserve an "f."
316
00:11:09,513 --> 00:11:11,897
And you know that,
because of your impairment,
317
00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:14,133
they'll forgive you anyway.
318
00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:16,168
All true, but I'm probably
not your best target.
319
00:11:16,169 --> 00:11:17,803
If you don't mind,
I'd like to get some popcorn.
320
00:11:17,804 --> 00:11:19,355
Typically, it takes a while
for villains to ramp up.
321
00:11:19,356 --> 00:11:21,323
Promise not to monologue
till I get back?
322
00:11:21,324 --> 00:11:23,792
Give it up, Professor.
You got nothing.
323
00:11:23,793 --> 00:11:25,461
Oh, I've got plenty.
324
00:11:25,462 --> 00:11:27,195
Why don't we just let him go
and be done with this?
325
00:11:27,196 --> 00:11:28,964
It's Christmas.
We have gifts to unwrap.
326
00:11:28,965 --> 00:11:31,466
Don't you see? We can't now
or someone will get the "a."
327
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:32,768
No one wants to screw the group.
328
00:11:32,769 --> 00:11:34,036
Oh, you see that, Professor?
329
00:11:34,037 --> 00:11:35,671
Your offer
actually made it harder
330
00:11:35,672 --> 00:11:37,072
for you to get untied,
331
00:11:37,073 --> 00:11:39,024
because no one wants
to be the betrayer.
332
00:11:39,025 --> 00:11:42,244
Beware the ides of march,
Mr. Winger.
333
00:11:42,245 --> 00:11:44,947
Everyone wants to be
the betrayer.
334
00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:47,099
What the hell is your game?
335
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,885
I'm trying
to teach you history.
336
00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:53,489
Your failure will be the same
as any self-obsessed nation.
337
00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:55,791
You only care about each other
when you're winning.
338
00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,626
The Romans loved Rome
339
00:11:57,627 --> 00:11:59,245
when it was raping
half the world,
340
00:11:59,246 --> 00:12:01,647
but when Hannibal
came charging over the Alps,
341
00:12:01,648 --> 00:12:03,482
the Romans turned on themselves
342
00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:06,769
as quickly as you can say,
"e pluribus unum."
343
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:09,171
I'm pretty sure it's "anus."
344
00:12:09,172 --> 00:12:12,224
Usually, the cracks are hidden
within the alliances.
345
00:12:12,225 --> 00:12:13,392
So let's see.
346
00:12:13,393 --> 00:12:14,893
In any group of seven,
347
00:12:14,894 --> 00:12:17,980
there's bound to be
some romantic entanglements.
348
00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:21,050
See, I've noticed
that the damaged blonde
349
00:12:21,051 --> 00:12:23,102
is dating
the childish black one,
350
00:12:23,103 --> 00:12:26,438
I wonder, does anyone
take issue with that pairing?
351
00:12:26,439 --> 00:12:27,740
You're fishing, Professor.
No one has anything
352
00:12:27,741 --> 00:12:29,241
against Britta and Troy dating.
353
00:12:29,242 --> 00:12:30,359
And that's coming from Jeff,
354
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,461
and we used to date, so...
355
00:12:32,462 --> 00:12:34,597
Britta, information is ammo.
356
00:12:34,598 --> 00:12:36,181
And what we did was not dating.
357
00:12:36,182 --> 00:12:38,433
- Uh.
- Ah. A little friction.
358
00:12:38,434 --> 00:12:39,952
That usually indicates heat.
359
00:12:39,953 --> 00:12:41,570
Heat?
There's no heat.
360
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:43,405
If there was heat,
I'd be nervous,
361
00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:44,873
and, if I was nervous,
I'd be rambling,
362
00:12:44,874 --> 00:12:47,226
and I'm definitely not rambling,
so there's no heat.
363
00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:49,061
Ah, well, I think
we found our triangle.
364
00:12:49,062 --> 00:12:51,897
Thank you
and welcome to the party, Troy.
365
00:12:51,898 --> 00:12:53,582
He knows my name.
366
00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:55,250
Guys, keep it together.
367
00:12:55,251 --> 00:12:56,952
[Microwave beeps]
368
00:12:56,953 --> 00:12:59,454
[Chuckles]
369
00:13:05,228 --> 00:13:06,979
I missed something great,
didn't I?
370
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:08,414
Enough.
It's time to stop arsing about
371
00:13:08,415 --> 00:13:09,715
and get serious.
372
00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:11,800
So let's hear it
from the one person
373
00:13:11,801 --> 00:13:14,336
who needs that "a" the most
374
00:13:14,337 --> 00:13:17,473
and can't possibly abide
by an "f,"
375
00:13:17,474 --> 00:13:22,127
the one person on pace
to become class Valedictorian.
376
00:13:22,128 --> 00:13:24,480
I would never turn
against the group.
377
00:13:24,481 --> 00:13:26,298
I'm not talking
about you, miss Edison.
378
00:13:26,299 --> 00:13:28,517
What?
Abed?
379
00:13:28,518 --> 00:13:30,636
Jeff?
Is it me?
380
00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:32,154
Oh, my God, Britta?
381
00:13:32,155 --> 00:13:34,189
First of all, it's me,
and, second of all,
382
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:35,374
you put Britta ahead of me?
383
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:36,742
None taken.
384
00:13:36,743 --> 00:13:38,026
Oh, my God, Shirley.
385
00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,628
Why didn't you ever tell me
about it?
386
00:13:39,629 --> 00:13:41,380
I didn't think
it was a competition.
387
00:13:41,381 --> 00:13:43,498
Oh, of course
you'd play it that way
388
00:13:43,499 --> 00:13:44,800
so I wouldn't be expecting...
389
00:13:44,801 --> 00:13:47,820
A church-going mother of three
to be smart, huh?
390
00:13:47,821 --> 00:13:51,139
So, miss Edison,
it's decision time, isn't it?
391
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:52,808
Annie, don't listen to him.
392
00:13:52,809 --> 00:13:55,711
You know you can't make
Valedictorian with an "f,"
393
00:13:55,712 --> 00:13:59,164
and you can eliminate your
competition in one easy step.
394
00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:01,917
What else do you have
to lose, my dear?
395
00:14:01,918 --> 00:14:04,803
I mean, these people,
they're not here to support you.
396
00:14:04,804 --> 00:14:08,741
I mean, they already hate you
for this disaster of a party.
397
00:14:08,742 --> 00:14:10,142
Not this guy.
398
00:14:10,143 --> 00:14:12,761
No.
I can't.
399
00:14:12,762 --> 00:14:15,364
Give it up, Professor.
You've fired all your bullets.
400
00:14:15,365 --> 00:14:18,650
No, I've got
one more bullet left,
401
00:14:18,651 --> 00:14:21,203
and it's a doozy.
402
00:14:21,204 --> 00:14:23,172
Mr. Winger, would you like
to tell your friends
403
00:14:23,173 --> 00:14:26,458
why they did so poorly
on this paper,
404
00:14:26,459 --> 00:14:27,609
or shall I?
405
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:29,278
- Jeff?
- Jeff?
406
00:14:29,279 --> 00:14:30,445
Jeffrey.
407
00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:33,766
I tanked my section.
408
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,501
I knew you guys
would all work hard,
409
00:14:35,502 --> 00:14:37,219
so I just coasted.
410
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:38,504
Tom Waits was...
Ah!
411
00:14:38,505 --> 00:14:41,006
- Ow.
- You cost me Valedictorian.
412
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,291
He cost me Valedictorian.
That was my punch.
413
00:14:43,292 --> 00:14:47,896
[All shouting]
414
00:14:47,897 --> 00:14:49,631
Tom waits!
[Doorbell rings]
415
00:14:51,451 --> 00:14:53,819
Oh, my God.
416
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:56,105
Jeff, do you have
any milk duds?
417
00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:02,414
Jeffrey, I know
you're in there.
418
00:15:02,415 --> 00:15:05,034
[Sing song]
I can smell you.
419
00:15:05,035 --> 00:15:06,351
Did I have the game on
too loud?
420
00:15:06,352 --> 00:15:07,419
Is everything okay?
421
00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:09,004
I was just spending an evening
422
00:15:09,005 --> 00:15:11,206
with my two irresistible lady
friends, Rizzoli and Isles,
423
00:15:11,207 --> 00:15:12,775
when I heard...
wait a minute.
424
00:15:12,776 --> 00:15:14,410
What the hell
is going on in here?
425
00:15:14,411 --> 00:15:16,011
All: No, don't!
- I can explain.
426
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:18,764
No explanation necessary.
427
00:15:18,765 --> 00:15:22,534
Next time you decide to have
a party without me, Jeffrey,
428
00:15:22,535 --> 00:15:25,170
at least have the decency
to do it when I'm in spin class.
429
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:30,476
I'm a blast
at holiday-themed parties.
430
00:15:30,477 --> 00:15:33,495
- Where the hell is he?
- Professor? Did he leave?
431
00:15:33,496 --> 00:15:35,414
Why in God's name
would I leave?
432
00:15:35,415 --> 00:15:36,682
[All scream]
433
00:15:36,683 --> 00:15:37,900
This is just getting
interesting.
434
00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:41,020
Now, one of you untied me.
435
00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:43,272
I wonder who it was.
436
00:15:43,273 --> 00:15:45,541
Who is the Benedict Arnold,
437
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:47,409
the true hero of this story?
438
00:15:47,410 --> 00:15:49,861
Oh, no, what's gonna happen
when we find out
439
00:15:49,862 --> 00:15:52,548
who betrayed us?
I wonder why you're so scared.
440
00:15:52,549 --> 00:15:53,849
It wasn't me.
441
00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:55,734
Can we just say
a ghost did it again?
442
00:15:55,735 --> 00:15:58,587
We're gonna find out who
did it when we get our grade.
443
00:15:58,588 --> 00:16:00,439
No, we'll have to find out now.
444
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,507
Otherwise,
the lesson isn't complete.
445
00:16:02,508 --> 00:16:04,910
But the lesson
is complete, Professor.
446
00:16:04,911 --> 00:16:06,078
You know what you taught us
tonight?
447
00:16:06,079 --> 00:16:07,563
That, yes, empires fall,
448
00:16:07,564 --> 00:16:09,681
but we're no empire.
449
00:16:09,682 --> 00:16:12,351
We're just a bunch
of flawed, selfish people.
450
00:16:12,352 --> 00:16:13,485
And that's not our weakness.
451
00:16:13,486 --> 00:16:14,920
It's our strength.
452
00:16:14,921 --> 00:16:17,122
The one thing
that we can count on
453
00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:18,724
at any given moment
is that the six of us
454
00:16:18,725 --> 00:16:20,943
are paying for a mistake
made by one of us.
455
00:16:20,944 --> 00:16:22,561
And that means,
at any given moment,
456
00:16:22,562 --> 00:16:24,580
one of us is screwing up
so badly,
457
00:16:24,581 --> 00:16:27,499
that he or she is gonna forgive
whoever screws up next.
458
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:31,286
Now I'm gonna do something
that Octavian never would...
459
00:16:31,287 --> 00:16:32,788
yeah, I read the book.
460
00:16:32,789 --> 00:16:35,090
I'm gonna say that
whoever untied the Professor...
461
00:16:35,091 --> 00:16:36,442
I don't give a crap.
462
00:16:36,443 --> 00:16:37,876
Because whoever it was,
463
00:16:37,877 --> 00:16:41,997
I know it was
some flawed, selfish, weak,
464
00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:44,166
hopeless soul like me.
465
00:16:47,771 --> 00:16:50,656
Exactly what the betrayer
would say.
466
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:52,708
Fine, dick, if it was me,
467
00:16:52,709 --> 00:16:55,494
I'm gonna lose my "a"
by tying you up again.
468
00:16:55,495 --> 00:16:58,180
Ow!
[All shouting]
469
00:16:58,181 --> 00:17:00,249
Get over here.
470
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:01,984
That's hurting.
That's hurting.
471
00:17:01,985 --> 00:17:03,402
[Cackles]
472
00:17:03,403 --> 00:17:05,254
Now, if you'll excuse us,
473
00:17:05,255 --> 00:17:06,789
we have some gifts to open.
474
00:17:06,790 --> 00:17:08,557
Ooh, mine first, mine first.
475
00:17:08,558 --> 00:17:11,510
Milady.
476
00:17:11,511 --> 00:17:15,948
Mm, Kevin, did you wrap
these presents yourself?
477
00:17:15,949 --> 00:17:18,667
Once again, I'm not a dog.
478
00:17:18,668 --> 00:17:21,069
Zoink.
479
00:17:21,070 --> 00:17:22,387
Doink.
480
00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:24,907
Kevin, how do you tie a knot?
481
00:17:24,908 --> 00:17:26,291
Really simple.
482
00:17:26,292 --> 00:17:29,495
So you go...
483
00:17:29,496 --> 00:17:33,098
Make a little rabbit ear
like so,
484
00:17:33,099 --> 00:17:35,284
then the kids go marching
down the well.
485
00:17:35,285 --> 00:17:37,553
Oh...My...God.
486
00:17:37,554 --> 00:17:39,704
Professor,
you were never tied up.
487
00:17:39,705 --> 00:17:41,673
What?
488
00:17:41,674 --> 00:17:43,108
What do you want me to say?
489
00:17:45,645 --> 00:17:48,914
What do you want me to say?
490
00:17:48,915 --> 00:17:50,749
That I did it
because I'm lonely?
491
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:53,302
That my daughter isn't in town?
492
00:17:53,303 --> 00:17:55,370
That she never comes to see me
493
00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:58,190
because she finds me
too manipulative?
494
00:17:58,191 --> 00:18:00,959
Or you could say you're sorry
for the whole thing.
495
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,062
Yes, I suppose
that would be accurate.
496
00:18:04,063 --> 00:18:06,365
And that, as compensation
for the mental anguish
497
00:18:06,366 --> 00:18:08,617
you caused us,
you'll give us an "a."
498
00:18:08,618 --> 00:18:10,686
Jeff.
Overreaching?
499
00:18:10,687 --> 00:18:13,639
Fair enough. Maybe you
can grade us separately.
500
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,275
That way, Shirley and Annie
can get their "a" s.
501
00:18:16,276 --> 00:18:18,193
No, Jeffrey,
he can give us an "f"
502
00:18:18,194 --> 00:18:19,695
or you can give us an "a,"
503
00:18:19,696 --> 00:18:22,447
but we should all get
the same grade.
504
00:18:22,448 --> 00:18:24,917
God's sake, don't rub it in.
505
00:18:24,918 --> 00:18:27,486
Very well.
Seeing as you saved me
506
00:18:27,487 --> 00:18:31,473
from my yearly Christmas
tradition of plum pudding,
507
00:18:31,474 --> 00:18:34,109
roasted goose,
and updating my suicide note...
508
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,794
[Chuckles]
509
00:18:35,795 --> 00:18:39,665
I suppose I could give you
a "c."
510
00:18:39,666 --> 00:18:41,600
- Oh.
- Uh.
511
00:18:42,743 --> 00:18:43,518
Plus.
512
00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:45,187
[Cheers, chatter]
513
00:18:45,188 --> 00:18:46,738
Merry Christmas.
514
00:18:46,739 --> 00:18:49,324
All: Merry Christmas.
515
00:18:49,325 --> 00:18:51,743
[Jingle Bell Rock playing]
516
00:18:51,744 --> 00:18:53,595
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
517
00:18:53,596 --> 00:18:55,297
♪ jingle bell rock
518
00:18:55,298 --> 00:18:57,015
♪ jingle bells swing
519
00:18:57,016 --> 00:18:58,350
♪ and jingle bells ring.
520
00:18:58,351 --> 00:19:00,552
Annie!
521
00:19:00,553 --> 00:19:03,438
Oh, my God.
522
00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:06,158
Wow.
That's really great.
523
00:19:06,159 --> 00:19:07,609
All right.
♪ Jingle bell
524
00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:09,444
Oh, poppy poppy paper.
525
00:19:09,445 --> 00:19:10,579
♪ Jingle bells chime
526
00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:11,947
No, there's a gift in there.
527
00:19:11,948 --> 00:19:14,116
Yeah.
528
00:19:14,117 --> 00:19:15,900
Buttered noodles.
My favorite.
529
00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:17,586
- Oh!
- By the way,
530
00:19:17,587 --> 00:19:18,954
I didn't get anyone gifts,
531
00:19:18,955 --> 00:19:20,339
so my gift to you all
532
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:22,507
is you get to lord it over me
for the next year.
533
00:19:22,508 --> 00:19:25,510
No, stupid, a gift
doesn't create an obligation.
534
00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:27,813
It's the obligation
that's a gift.
535
00:19:27,814 --> 00:19:30,265
I gotta drop a deuce.
536
00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,768
See you guys.
537
00:19:34,971 --> 00:19:36,388
Hey, it's Chang.
538
00:19:36,389 --> 00:19:38,607
No, they're not expelled.
539
00:19:38,608 --> 00:19:40,309
I have to do something else.
540
00:19:40,310 --> 00:19:42,260
[Popping]
541
00:19:46,301 --> 00:19:50,225
Oh, how could I have stayed mad
at you, guys?
542
00:19:50,226 --> 00:19:54,313
Here, I was gonna save these
for the real Christmas day,
543
00:19:54,314 --> 00:19:56,098
but these guys
were getting antsy.
544
00:19:56,099 --> 00:19:57,433
Hi, there.
545
00:19:57,434 --> 00:19:59,485
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
546
00:19:59,486 --> 00:20:01,320
Oh!
[Chuckles]
547
00:20:01,321 --> 00:20:02,655
August.
548
00:20:02,656 --> 00:20:05,407
And this one is James.
549
00:20:05,408 --> 00:20:08,360
And this one is Fiona.
550
00:20:08,361 --> 00:20:10,863
And these two guys are Jeffrey.
551
00:20:10,864 --> 00:20:12,164
At nice times like this,
552
00:20:12,165 --> 00:20:13,832
I wonder what's happening
in the darkest timeline.
553
00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:14,950
Timeline?
554
00:20:14,951 --> 00:20:18,120
Abed, there are
no dark timelines.
555
00:20:21,074 --> 00:20:24,827
Your honor,
I may not have a right arm,
556
00:20:24,828 --> 00:20:27,496
but I am armed
with what's right.
557
00:20:27,497 --> 00:20:30,916
My client miss Edison did rob
several drug stores,
558
00:20:30,917 --> 00:20:33,619
and, yes, she did stab
several pharmacists,
559
00:20:33,620 --> 00:20:36,105
but let's talk
about the bigger crime,
560
00:20:36,106 --> 00:20:41,360
that someone so beautiful
has been removed from society.
561
00:20:41,361 --> 00:20:44,713
Miss Edison,
you are hereby released
562
00:20:44,714 --> 00:20:47,583
from Greendale Insane Asylum.
563
00:20:47,584 --> 00:20:50,035
Are you sure you don't have a
problem with our age difference?
564
00:20:50,036 --> 00:20:52,204
Yeah, I wish
you were even younger.
565
00:20:52,205 --> 00:20:53,772
Now, come on,
the others are waiting.
566
00:20:53,773 --> 00:20:56,742
We've got a prime timeline
to destroy.
567
00:20:56,743 --> 00:21:00,212
[Evil laughter]
568
00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:04,626
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com