1
00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,053
Good morning. Uop.

2
00:00:18,698 --> 00:00:22,885
How do we turn this off? Okay, can you help me?
Can you come and help me turn it off? Oh-oh.

3
00:00:23,337 --> 00:00:25,749
How do we turn this off? Can you
help me with this? Can you help me with...

4
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:28,525
Oh, thank you, thank you so
much. I didn't mean to snap.

5
00:00:28,526 --> 00:00:30,254
Uhm, good morning.

6
00:00:30,255 --> 00:00:36,563
Many of you are halfway through your first
week here at Greendale, and as your dean,

7
00:00:36,564 --> 00:00:41,353
I thought I would share a few thoughts
of wisdom and inspiration.

8
00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:43,294
What is community college?

9
00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:46,094
Well, you've heard all kinds of things.

10
00:00:46,095 --> 00:00:52,811
You've heard it's a loser college
for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts,

11
00:00:52,812 --> 00:01:00,730
middle-aged divorcees, and old people keeping
their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity.

12
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:05,987
That's what you heard. However, I wish you luck!

13
00:01:09,979 --> 00:01:12,122
Okay, you know... Oh-oh.

14
00:01:12,123 --> 00:01:14,673
Okay, there's more to this speech. There's
actually a middle card that is missing.

15
00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:17,648
Can we all look around our immediate areas,
'cause I really wanted to...

16
00:01:17,649 --> 00:01:20,178
I'm only half-Arabic,
actually. My dad is Palestinian.

17
00:01:20,179 --> 00:01:22,384
He's a US citizen. He's not a threat
to national security or anything.

18
00:01:22,385 --> 00:01:24,890
A lot of people want to know that after
they meet him, because he has an angry energy.

19
00:01:24,891 --> 00:01:27,231
But not like angry at America, just
angry at my mom for leaving him.

20
00:01:27,232 --> 00:01:30,071
Although she did leave because he was angry,
and he was angry because she's American.

21
00:01:30,072 --> 00:01:31,937
My name is Abed, by the way.

22
00:01:31,938 --> 00:01:35,603
Abed, nice to know you and
then meet you, in that order.

23
00:01:35,604 --> 00:01:38,517
- Now, about that question that I had...
- Oh, uh...

24
00:01:38,518 --> 00:01:40,168
Five after 11:00 when you asked.

25
00:01:40,169 --> 00:01:41,713
- Abed.
- Yeah.

26
00:01:41,714 --> 00:01:44,283
What's the deal with
the hot girl from Spanish class?

27
00:01:44,284 --> 00:01:46,007
I can't find a road in there.

28
00:01:46,008 --> 00:01:48,853
Well, I only talked to her once, while she
was borrowing a pencil, but...

29
00:01:48,854 --> 00:01:51,769
Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday
in October, she has two older brothers,

30
00:01:51,770 --> 00:01:54,376
and one of them works with children
who have a disorder I might want to look up.

31
00:01:54,377 --> 00:01:55,841
Oh, and she thinks she's gonna
flunk tomorrow's test,

32
00:01:55,842 --> 00:01:59,145
so she really needs to focus, so she's sorry
if that makes her seem cold.

33
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,065
Holy crap.

34
00:02:01,145 --> 00:02:02,306
Abed...

35
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:05,626
I see your value now.

36
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,316
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

37
00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:13,248
Absolutely not.

38
00:02:14,377 --> 00:02:17,904
If these guys knew you like I did,
they would have given you a small office.

39
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,325
Jeff Winger! Genius at law.

40
00:02:21,326 --> 00:02:25,144
- You got to stop saying that.
- I will never do that. Sit down

41
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:29,808
I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to
connect 'September the 11th' with my DUI,

44
00:02:36,955 --> 00:02:38,320
I'm a student.

45
00:02:38,857 --> 00:02:43,647
- Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
- Uh, I... I am in a bit of a jam.

46
00:02:43,648 --> 00:02:46,815
The state bar has suspended my license.

47
00:02:46,816 --> 00:02:50,501
They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.

48
00:02:50,502 --> 00:02:52,489
I thought you had a
bachelor's from Columbia.

49
00:02:52,490 --> 00:02:54,588
Now I have to get one from America.

50
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,674
And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

51
00:02:56,675 --> 00:02:59,135
- Well, you've picked a fine school.
- Yes!

52
00:02:59,136 --> 00:03:03,683
And I'm hoping that our friendship
will yield certain advantages.

53
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:07,080
- You know, academic guidance, moral support...
- Yes.

54
00:03:07,081 --> 00:03:11,741
Every answer to every test for every
one of the classes that I'm taking.

55
00:03:11,742 --> 00:03:14,707
- Here's my schedule.
- No. Now Jeff, just by asking that,

56
00:03:14,708 --> 00:03:19,225
you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution. Hey!

57
00:03:19,402 --> 00:03:22,183
Waster! Not a bathroom!
Not a bathroom.

58
00:03:22,184 --> 00:03:27,519
Okay Duncan, you did seem less
into integrity the day that I convinced

59
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,338
12 of yours peers that when you made
that 'U-turn' on the freeway

60
00:03:31,339 --> 00:03:34,350
and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box,

61
00:03:34,351 --> 00:03:36,445
that your only real crime
was loving America.

62
00:03:36,446 --> 00:03:39,880
Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.

63
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,727
I... I love chalupas.

64
00:03:42,801 --> 00:03:44,166
But...

65
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:48,476
- I'll look into it.
- Thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.

66
00:03:48,477 --> 00:03:52,483
Jeff, are you familiar with the
adage 'cheaters never prosper'?

67
00:03:52,484 --> 00:03:53,630
No...

68
00:03:53,631 --> 00:03:57,830
and if i wanted to learn something,
I wouldn't have come to community college.

69
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:06,078
Sync and corrected by vNaru
- www.addic7ed.com -

70
00:04:29,997 --> 00:04:32,528
- Oh, hey, Spanish.
- Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?

71
00:04:32,529 --> 00:04:35,376
Whoa, I wouldn't dream of it.

72
00:04:35,414 --> 00:04:39,176
I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.

73
00:04:40,006 --> 00:04:44,922
Oh, woh-wow, the guy who's playing 'Bejeweled'
on his iPhone all class has a study group?

74
00:04:44,923 --> 00:04:46,724
Uhm, can I sign up twice?

75
00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:50,785
I'm taking the class as an easy credit.
I'm actually a Spanish tutor.

76
00:04:50,786 --> 00:04:53,980
- Board certified.
- Can you say that in Spanish now?

77
00:04:53,981 --> 00:04:58,665
Duermo tarde español, una hora más, no
rallar mi coche. (Nonsense)

78
00:05:01,016 --> 00:05:04,557
- I really need help with Spanish.
- Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff.

79
00:05:04,558 --> 00:05:06,440
Or 'Jefe'. (Boss)

80
00:05:06,441 --> 00:05:09,879
- The group meets at the library at 4:00.
- Britta. Thanks.

81
00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:13,356
You gonna be there?

82
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:16,101
Poquito más. (A little more)

83
00:05:16,102 --> 00:05:17,952
That means "See you there".

84
00:05:18,979 --> 00:05:21,753
Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group, right?

85
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,741
Oh jeez, I'm sorry, uh...

86
00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:28,266
I was raised on TV and I was
conditioned to believe that every

87
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:31,530
black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor.

88
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:34,954
Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Sanfield?

89
00:05:34,955 --> 00:05:37,198
Yes, I'm so sorry.

90
00:05:37,199 --> 00:05:38,730
It's Seinfeld.

91
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,784
Bienvenido, bienvenido, bienvenido.

92
00:05:43,785 --> 00:05:45,331
Bienvenido.

93
00:05:45,582 --> 00:05:47,253
Bienvenuto! Hey!

94
00:05:47,254 --> 00:05:49,088
All right, come on in.

95
00:05:49,089 --> 00:05:51,397
- I got the whole table. Welcome.
- Yeah.

96
00:05:51,564 --> 00:05:54,424
- We have the whole room.
- Here's the... Yeah, here's the, uh...

97
00:05:55,157 --> 00:05:58,155
contact sheet. Just put your
stuff there. That's it.

98
00:05:58,723 --> 00:06:00,069
Man.

99
00:06:00,988 --> 00:06:02,797
The rest of the group is running late.

100
00:06:02,798 --> 00:06:04,754
But you and I can get acquainted.

101
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,597
You may have noticed this morning,
not so good at the small talk.

102
00:06:07,598 --> 00:06:09,337
Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?

103
00:06:09,338 --> 00:06:12,749
- That's not small talk?
- What's your deal and is God dead?

104
00:06:13,162 --> 00:06:14,893
All right, you wanna know my deal?

105
00:06:14,894 --> 00:06:19,230
I dropped out of high school because I thought
for some reason it would impress Radiohead.

106
00:06:19,231 --> 00:06:21,826
You'd be surprised what
gets back to these guys.

107
00:06:21,827 --> 00:06:24,293
I... I joined the Peace Corp.

108
00:06:24,294 --> 00:06:28,149
I did a little foot modelling, I got tear
gassed in a World Trade Rally...

109
00:06:28,150 --> 00:06:29,455
Marry me.

110
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:33,633
And I guess Jeff, my deal
is above all else... honesty.

111
00:06:33,922 --> 00:06:35,566
- Honesty?
- Yeah.

112
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:39,232
You tell me the truth, I will like you.
You lie to me, I will never talk to you again.

113
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,467
That's my deal.

114
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,614
- Uh, that's a good deal.
- So, what's your deal?

115
00:06:42,615 --> 00:06:48,654
Uh, I would have to go...
I would have to say, uhm, honesty.

116
00:06:48,705 --> 00:06:49,828
Because...

117
00:06:49,985 --> 00:06:55,546
I would say anything to get what
I want, and I want you to like me, so...

118
00:06:56,604 --> 00:06:59,159
Wow. That's a very honest answer.

119
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,328
All right, for now I like you, fine.

120
00:07:01,329 --> 00:07:04,581
- Really? Wow, you're easy.
- Hell yeah.

121
00:07:04,582 --> 00:07:09,199
- Abed in the house! Woah!
- Woah!

122
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,885
- Woah! Why?!
- Oh, Britta invited me. Is that cool?

123
00:07:11,886 --> 00:07:15,248
Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.

124
00:07:15,249 --> 00:07:16,960
- Cool.
- There you go.

125
00:07:16,961 --> 00:07:19,555
Oh, hey, here. Put your contact
info down right there.

126
00:07:19,556 --> 00:07:22,223
- That's great.
- Cool, cool, cool.

127
00:07:22,671 --> 00:07:24,373
Cool, cool, cool.

128
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:27,120
Hey, this is kind of like Breakfast Club, huh?

129
00:07:27,121 --> 00:07:28,652
- We are in a library.
- Yeah.

130
00:07:28,653 --> 00:07:31,763
I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us
that would make us cry if we talked about it.

131
00:07:31,764 --> 00:07:34,638
Do you have something
balled up inside you?

132
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,698
Well, i got a little doozy
in the chamber if things get emotional.

133
00:07:39,506 --> 00:07:41,883
Oh. Hey, text message.

134
00:07:42,021 --> 00:07:44,457
- Let's give this bad boy a read.
- That's probably just for you.

135
00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:47,416
- I've never gotten one of these.
- Well, uh.. it's probably... you just...

136
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:50,723
- Just for your eyes.
- "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."

137
00:07:51,898 --> 00:07:54,732
- "Say you have to pee."
- That is weird.

138
00:07:54,733 --> 00:07:57,116
- "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
- Yeah. do you have to pee?

139
00:07:57,116 --> 00:08:01,121
- No. That's so weird.
- Mm. Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy.

140
00:08:01,122 --> 00:08:02,782
That makes two of us.

141
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,726
- What's that?
- Does it say you have to pee?

142
00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:08,851
No, it's just someone with a
misguided grasp of abbreviation.

143
00:08:08,952 --> 00:08:14,575
I... I just need five minutes, you guys.
So go ahead and study all the verbs. In Spanish.

144
00:08:15,087 --> 00:08:16,237
- Abed...
- Yeah?

145
00:08:16,238 --> 00:08:17,898
What's your read on that guy?

146
00:08:18,805 --> 00:08:20,705
You look like Elisabeth Shue.

147
00:08:22,546 --> 00:08:26,374
Just act natural... pretend you are watching
the athletic proceedings.

148
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:28,352
You couldn't stop me from watching them.

149
00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:32,393
There's a guy trying out for the track,
that's older than the game of poker.

150
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:35,112
He's kinda trucking.

151
00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:39,498
Suppose I was to say to you it was
possible to get those test answers.

152
00:08:39,499 --> 00:08:42,441
I would say go for that. And could
have said so in a text.

153
00:08:42,442 --> 00:08:45,814
I'm asking you, if you know the
difference between right and wrong.

154
00:08:46,302 --> 00:08:49,332
I discovered at a very early age
that if I talked long enough,

155
00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:51,551
I could make anything right or wrong.

156
00:08:51,552 --> 00:08:56,010
So either I'm God or truth
is relative. And in either case, booyah.

157
00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,200
Oh, interesting.

158
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,595
It's just the average person has a much
harder time saying booyah to moral relativism.

159
00:09:01,596 --> 00:09:04,209
Duncan, you don't have to play
shrink to protect your pride.

160
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,018
I accept. You're chicken.

161
00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,616
Are you trying to use reverse
psychology on a psychologist?

162
00:09:08,617 --> 00:09:11,879
No, I'm just using regular psychology
on a spineless, British twit.

163
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,970
I'm a professor. You can't
talk to me that way.

164
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:17,536
- A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
- Yes, because that would be adorable!

165
00:09:17,537 --> 00:09:20,846
No, because you're a five-year-old girl,
and there's a pecking order.

166
00:09:20,847 --> 00:09:22,856
- Fine, I'll do it!
- Thank you.

167
00:09:22,857 --> 00:09:25,541
Yeah, pleasure. Bye!

168
00:09:25,792 --> 00:09:27,166
Yes! Good!

169
00:09:27,494 --> 00:09:29,395
Why am I still shouting?!

170
00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:31,181
I'm drawing attention to myself.

171
00:09:31,182 --> 00:09:33,897
You guys aren't going to believe this,
but the rest of the group...

172
00:09:35,469 --> 00:09:36,614
Is here.

173
00:09:36,786 --> 00:09:39,342
Are you the board-certified tutor?

174
00:09:39,343 --> 00:09:41,153
That means you do my
homework, right Seacrest?

175
00:09:41,154 --> 00:09:43,318
I need to call my babysitter
if we gonna be later than 10:00.

176
00:09:43,319 --> 00:09:45,204
What board certifies a tutor?

177
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:46,226
- Where's Britta?
- Not sure.

178
00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:48,813
But I invited more people
from Spanish class. Is that cool?

179
00:09:48,814 --> 00:09:51,052
It's the coolest.

180
00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:54,382
I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

181
00:09:54,383 --> 00:10:01,459
And bring my jacket, wallet and keys
with me. In case there's a fire.

182
00:10:02,062 --> 00:10:03,316
Should we go with him?

183
00:10:03,317 --> 00:10:05,337
I'm leaving my homework with
Slumdog Millionaire over here.

184
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,288
That's borderline racist I think.

185
00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:13,008
And... busted.

186
00:10:13,384 --> 00:10:16,578
- Uh, listen.
- Now you know. I'm a smoker.

187
00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:19,978
Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.

188
00:10:19,998 --> 00:10:22,942
You ready to get started? Looks like
the rest of your group showed up.

189
00:10:22,943 --> 00:10:26,345
Yeah, not mine actually.
I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist.

190
00:10:26,346 --> 00:10:30,912
And I was trained never to say this,
but I think that group may be untutorable.

191
00:10:30,913 --> 00:10:31,925
Oh, really?

192
00:10:31,926 --> 00:10:34,503
So, why don't you and
I go study over some...

193
00:10:34,504 --> 00:10:36,229
- Dinner?
- Or drinks.

194
00:10:36,230 --> 00:10:41,864
I think, actually, we should prioritize here
and study first, and then go to dinner.

195
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:46,718
And if they really prove
to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.

196
00:10:47,295 --> 00:10:52,065
Oh. They will be... untutorable.

197
00:10:59,604 --> 00:11:01,682
All right.

198
00:11:02,057 --> 00:11:03,578
Look at this crew.

199
00:11:03,613 --> 00:11:06,232
All ready to study all night.

200
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,780
Well, I can stay at least till 10:00.

201
00:11:07,781 --> 00:11:10,355
But who studies with strangers, right?

202
00:11:10,356 --> 00:11:11,906
My name is Jeff.

203
00:11:11,955 --> 00:11:13,195
Jeff, it's a pleasure.

204
00:11:13,325 --> 00:11:15,065
My name is Pierce Hawthorne, and yes...

205
00:11:15,066 --> 00:11:19,054
that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne wipes,
the award-winning moist towellete.

206
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:20,259
I was just gonna ask.

207
00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:22,685
I'm a Toastmaster, so perhaps
I should do the introductions.

208
00:11:22,686 --> 00:11:24,365
- Definitely!
- All right, you already know Brittles.

209
00:11:24,366 --> 00:11:27,039
- Britta.
- Uh, Abed. Abed the Arab.

210
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,354
- Is that inappropriate?
- Sure.

211
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,587
- Roy. Roy the Wonder Boy.
- Troy.

212
00:11:30,588 --> 00:11:32,661
- Little Princess Elizabeth.
- Annie.

213
00:11:32,762 --> 00:11:36,424
And finally, this beautiful
creature is named Shirley.

214
00:11:36,425 --> 00:11:38,243
Is that even close?

215
00:11:38,672 --> 00:11:41,213
I'd like to know why I had to find
out about this group on accident.

216
00:11:41,214 --> 00:11:43,564
- This is getting way more like 'Breakfast Club' now.
- Where's breakfast.

217
00:11:43,565 --> 00:11:47,075
- Okay, uhm, maybe we should get started.
- You know, I've been a part of a lot study groups

218
00:11:47,076 --> 00:11:49,691
that fell apart because of unresolved tension.

219
00:11:49,692 --> 00:11:52,902
Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?

220
00:11:52,903 --> 00:11:54,485
Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not
behind your back.

221
00:11:54,486 --> 00:11:57,965
- We just didn't think about...
- Can we stop with the 'pumpkins' and the 'sweeties'?

222
00:11:57,966 --> 00:11:59,934
Being younger does not make me inferior.

223
00:11:59,935 --> 00:12:04,039
If anything, your age indicates
that you've made bad life decisions.

224
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,028
- Shirley has a response to that.
- No, no, no, I don't.

225
00:12:06,808 --> 00:12:09,721
- Please Shirley, go ahead.
- Okay, okay.

226
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:16,755
I'm sure I've made some bad life decisions,
and maybe Annie's decisions will be better.

227
00:12:16,756 --> 00:12:20,240
But I think she needs to decide
whether she wants to be considered a child,

228
00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:25,630
or an adult, because children get pity,
but not respect. And adults, they get respect,

229
00:12:25,631 --> 00:12:28,411
but they also get the back of they head grabbed
and their face pushed through jukeboxes.

230
00:12:28,412 --> 00:12:32,890
Okay! Why don't we try learning
'jukebox' in Spanish?

231
00:12:32,891 --> 00:12:34,994
- What are you doing?!
- Pierce!

232
00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:37,145
- Let's discuss this creepiness.
- Pardon you?

233
00:12:37,146 --> 00:12:39,240
- What are you doing?
- I'm certified.

234
00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:43,600
Are you unaware that Shirley
finds your advances inappropriate?

235
00:12:44,438 --> 00:12:45,489
What advances?

236
00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:48,987
You have been sexually harassing me
since the very first day of class.

237
00:12:48,988 --> 00:12:51,046
Sexually harassing?

238
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:56,127
What? That makes no sense to me.
Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?

239
00:12:56,532 --> 00:12:59,597
Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.

240
00:13:00,232 --> 00:13:01,389
Hey.

241
00:13:02,122 --> 00:13:05,544
I am a prominent business leader,
and a highly sought-after dinner guest...

242
00:13:05,545 --> 00:13:09,714
and I will not take courting advice
from some teenage... boy.

243
00:13:09,715 --> 00:13:13,083
Well, this teenage boy
is a quarterback and a prom king.

244
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:16,493
You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
This isn't Riverside High.

245
00:13:16,494 --> 00:13:18,335
How'd you know I went there?

246
00:13:18,336 --> 00:13:21,555
Because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket.

247
00:13:21,556 --> 00:13:25,610
And more importantly, I sat
behind you in Algebra.

248
00:13:26,237 --> 00:13:29,326
Wait, you're that girl that got
hooked on pills and then dropped out.

249
00:13:29,327 --> 00:13:30,921
You're little Annie 'Adderall'.

250
00:13:30,922 --> 00:13:36,562
Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship
by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand.

251
00:13:36,563 --> 00:13:39,272
- Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off.
- Don't talk to me.

252
00:13:39,273 --> 00:13:41,684
You don't know... I'm a legend.

253
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:49,171
You know what I got for Christmas?

254
00:13:50,473 --> 00:13:53,280
It was a banner year at the Bender family.

255
00:13:53,315 --> 00:13:55,724
I got a carton of cigarettes.

256
00:13:55,725 --> 00:13:59,675
The old man grabbed me, he said,
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny!"

257
00:14:00,819 --> 00:14:03,233
"No, dad! What about you?"

258
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:11,674
Well, uh... that actually was from
'The Breakfast Club'.

259
00:14:12,115 --> 00:14:14,087
Nobody puts baby in the corner.

260
00:14:15,156 --> 00:14:16,697
Dirty dancing.

261
00:14:16,698 --> 00:14:18,639
- Hello?
- It's professor Duncan.

262
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,443
- <i>Come to the parking lot now.</i>
- What's wrong with your voice?

263
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:24,237
<i> I'm disguising it. </i>

264
00:14:25,243 --> 00:14:27,024
Uh, I'll be right back.

265
00:14:27,025 --> 00:14:30,605
But while I'm gone, you guys need
to hash this stuff out.

266
00:14:30,606 --> 00:14:32,606
No stone unturned.

267
00:14:32,769 --> 00:14:34,453
Go!

268
00:14:42,739 --> 00:14:44,378
Get in the car!

269
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,085
Act as if either you have just finished
or yet to begin driving.

270
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,137
Every answer to every test
in your curriculum this semester.

271
00:14:56,138 --> 00:14:58,215
I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you.

272
00:14:58,216 --> 00:15:00,061
Whoa there, grabby-grabby.

273
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,127
- What do I get?
- The satisfaction of being even.

274
00:15:04,128 --> 00:15:07,085
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.

275
00:15:07,086 --> 00:15:09,386
- Booyah, booyah.
- What do you want from me?

276
00:15:09,448 --> 00:15:12,990
- Your Lexus.
- My car for a semester's worth of answers?

277
00:15:12,991 --> 00:15:15,307
Will it be just a semester though, Jeff?

278
00:15:15,308 --> 00:15:18,941
Won't you be taking the easy way out
for the next four years?

279
00:15:18,942 --> 00:15:23,284
I want payment in advance. I want
leather seats with built-in ball warmers.

280
00:15:23,285 --> 00:15:27,395
You know, bluffs this weak are how
your people lost the colonies.

281
00:15:27,396 --> 00:15:29,680
Have a nice disbarment hearing.

282
00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:33,698
- What am I supposed to drive?
- Well, you should take this car. It's good for the earth.

283
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:37,315
Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf,
but it's not how a man gets around!

284
00:15:43,555 --> 00:15:44,857
A golf cart.

285
00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:54,530
- It is a disaster in there.
- Yeah, untutorable.

286
00:15:54,674 --> 00:15:58,861
- You like Thai food? I love Thai food.
- Wait... so, this is a game to you?

287
00:15:58,862 --> 00:16:03,715
You put human beings into a state of emotional
shambles, for a shot at getting in my pants?

288
00:16:03,716 --> 00:16:07,057
Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?

289
00:16:07,058 --> 00:16:09,874
Ok, ok, ok, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

290
00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:13,180
I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.

291
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:16,156
But how was I suppose to know
that you were smart and cool.

292
00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:17,989
I mean, you look like Elizabeth Shue.

293
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:19,699
- You're unbelievable.
- What do you want me to do?

294
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:23,208
Oh, maybe one decent thing could be
to go in there and clean up your mess.

295
00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:26,325
<i>Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room.</i>

296
00:16:27,050 --> 00:16:30,150
Okay, if I do that... then dinner, right?

297
00:16:32,521 --> 00:16:34,057
Yeah, fine, whatever.

298
00:16:34,058 --> 00:16:38,625
As if there's a dinner on earth that could
make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.

299
00:16:38,626 --> 00:16:41,924
Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.

300
00:16:49,481 --> 00:16:51,784
All right, everybody!

301
00:16:51,837 --> 00:16:54,537
I want to say something.
Sit down.

302
00:16:54,776 --> 00:16:57,602
You don't have to yell. I don't
appreciate your tone.

303
00:16:59,569 --> 00:17:02,227
You know what makes humans
different from other animals?

304
00:17:02,228 --> 00:17:03,554
Feet.

305
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,674
No, no, no, come on, bears have feet.

306
00:17:05,675 --> 00:17:10,003
We're the only species on earth
that observes 'Shark Week'.

307
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:13,485
Sharks don't even observe
'Shark Week', but we do.

308
00:17:13,486 --> 00:17:18,851
For the same reason I can pick up this pencil,
tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this.

309
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:26,180
And part of you dies just a little bit on the
inside, because people can connect with anything.

310
00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:27,823
We can sympathize with a pencil.

311
00:17:27,824 --> 00:17:32,015
We can forgive a shark, and we can give
Ben Affleck an academy award for screenwriting.

312
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,414
- Big mistake.
- He's got a point.

313
00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:38,073
People can find the good in just
about anything but themselves.

314
00:17:38,074 --> 00:17:41,642
Look at me. It's clear to
all of you that I am awesome,

315
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,427
but I can never admit that,
because that would make me an ass.

316
00:17:44,428 --> 00:17:48,583
But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome. She's driven.

317
00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:52,062
We need driven people or the
lights go out and the ice cream melts.

318
00:17:52,063 --> 00:17:54,598
And Pierce.
We need guys like Pierce.

319
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,088
This guy has wisdom to offer.

320
00:17:57,089 --> 00:17:59,912
- The Dalai Lama and I...
- We should listen to him sometime.

321
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:02,437
We wouldn't regret it.
And Shirley.

322
00:18:02,438 --> 00:18:07,992
Shirley has earned our respect. Not
as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman.

323
00:18:07,993 --> 00:18:10,422
And don't test her on that,
because that thing about the jukebox

324
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,714
was way too specific to be improvised.
And Troy.

325
00:18:13,772 --> 00:18:17,625
Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?
Maybe he is.

326
00:18:17,626 --> 00:18:20,879
You think astronauts go to the moon
because they hate oxygen? No!

327
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,842
They're trying to impress
their high school prom king.

328
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:27,188
And Abed.
Abed's a shaman.

329
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:30,746
You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup.

330
00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:33,432
Because you know what? Soup is better.

331
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:34,615
Abed is better.

332
00:18:34,616 --> 00:18:37,478
You are all better
than you think you are.

333
00:18:37,479 --> 00:18:40,708
You are just designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.

334
00:18:40,709 --> 00:18:42,078
Soup?

335
00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:44,577
I want you to look
to the person to your left.

336
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,462
Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.

337
00:18:48,463 --> 00:18:49,767
Look at her? Okay.

338
00:18:50,069 --> 00:18:51,229
- This...?
- Yeah.

339
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:54,398
I want you to extend to that person...

340
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:58,510
the same compassion that you extend
to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck.

341
00:18:58,511 --> 00:19:02,001
I want you to say
to that person, "I forgive you."

342
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,629
- I forgive you.
- I forgive you.

343
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,189
- I forgive you.
- You little twerp.

344
00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:09,451
Pierce, I'd like you to say,
"I forgive you."

345
00:19:09,452 --> 00:19:10,702
He didn't say it?

346
00:19:11,238 --> 00:19:12,567
I forgive you.

347
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,070
You've just stopped being a study group.

348
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:18,338
You've become something... unstoppable.

349
00:19:18,878 --> 00:19:22,639
I hereby pronounce you... a community.

350
00:19:22,847 --> 00:19:25,499
Oh, that's nice. I like that.

351
00:19:28,971 --> 00:19:30,602
This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore.

352
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,156
Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray, really.

353
00:19:33,157 --> 00:19:36,357
I agree with Abed that tonight
has been very special.

354
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:40,913
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a dinner engagement with Britta.

355
00:19:41,063 --> 00:19:43,891
- Britta?
- I lied.

356
00:19:44,315 --> 00:19:49,100
Thanks for calming everyone down, but since
you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep

357
00:19:49,101 --> 00:19:52,487
who purposely upset everyone
in an attempt to get with me,

358
00:19:52,488 --> 00:19:56,292
I'd appreciate it if you left
and stopped wasting all of our time.

359
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,955
Everybody ready?

360
00:19:59,219 --> 00:20:00,446
Fine.

361
00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:03,480
And I'm happy to report...

362
00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:06,762
that one of the benefits
of being a lying creep,

363
00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:09,933
is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.

364
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:14,893
And I'm happy to share them with anyone
whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine.

365
00:20:14,894 --> 00:20:19,563
Jeff, if you have all the answers,
why the hell did you start this study group?

366
00:20:19,564 --> 00:20:21,542
I don't have a study group,
Pierce. I made it up.

367
00:20:21,543 --> 00:20:24,137
- What about the 'Look Left' speech?
- Made it up. That's what I do.

368
00:20:24,138 --> 00:20:30,245
I make things up. And I got paid a lot of money
to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet.

369
00:20:30,246 --> 00:20:31,684
I was a lawyer.

370
00:20:34,679 --> 00:20:36,760
You know, I thought you were
like Bill Murray in any of his films,

371
00:20:36,761 --> 00:20:38,769
but you're more like
Michael Douglas in any of his films.

372
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:39,863
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

373
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,277
Well, you have Asperger's.

374
00:20:42,923 --> 00:20:44,073
What does that mean?

375
00:20:45,114 --> 00:20:46,210
'Ass-burger'.

376
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:48,435
- It's a serious disorder.
- It really is.

377
00:20:48,436 --> 00:20:51,105
If it's so serious,
why don't they call it meningitis?

378
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,988
- Ass-burger.
- Burger for your ass.

379
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:21,868
Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may
want to think about the gift you've been given.

380
00:21:21,869 --> 00:21:24,961
- An excuse to punch a hippy?
- No. No, not that.

381
00:21:24,962 --> 00:21:26,924
An important lesson, my friend.

382
00:21:26,925 --> 00:21:32,010
You see, the tools you acquired to survive
out there will not help you here at Greendale.

383
00:21:32,011 --> 00:21:35,695
What you have my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.

384
00:21:35,696 --> 00:21:41,779
Why are people trying to teach me things
at a school that has an express tuition aisle?

385
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:44,969
- Give me the keys.
- No, I have to keep your car for the lesson...

386
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,721
Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me.

387
00:21:46,961 --> 00:21:48,399
Jeffrey, Jeffrey!

388
00:21:48,756 --> 00:21:50,206
Are we cool?

389
00:21:50,665 --> 00:21:51,855
Are we cool?

390
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:54,957
We're cool.

391
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,499
I like you, Jeffrey.

392
00:22:00,290 --> 00:22:02,890
You remind me of myself at your age.

393
00:22:03,888 --> 00:22:05,338
I deserve that.

394
00:22:05,507 --> 00:22:10,695
You know, I've been divorced...
seven times.

395
00:22:12,241 --> 00:22:14,428
Sometimes, I think I'm doing
something wrong.

396
00:22:20,389 --> 00:22:22,589
You keep getting married.

397
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:24,910
I never looked at it that way.

398
00:22:28,244 --> 00:22:30,260
Shouldn't you guys be studying?

399
00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:33,193
Yeah, things got kind
of boring after you left.

400
00:22:33,194 --> 00:22:34,907
Let me ask you something.

401
00:22:35,289 --> 00:22:38,758
People have been clowning me for wearing
this jacket ever since I got here, but...

402
00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:42,659
If I take it off to make them happy,
that just makes me weak, right?

403
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:45,435
Listen, it doesn't matter.

404
00:22:45,453 --> 00:22:49,090
You lose the jacket to please them,
you keep it to piss them off.

405
00:22:49,091 --> 00:22:51,311
Either way it's for them.

406
00:22:51,655 --> 00:22:53,408
That's what's weak.

407
00:22:56,980 --> 00:22:58,763
You just wrinkled my brain, man.

408
00:22:58,764 --> 00:23:00,709
- He's good, isn't he?
- He's real good.

409
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:04,433
Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?

410
00:23:07,649 --> 00:23:10,002
I don't have any of the answers.

411
00:23:10,042 --> 00:23:12,147
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna flunk the test.

412
00:23:12,148 --> 00:23:14,938
If you just, like, study for like
an hour, It's not that hard.

413
00:23:14,939 --> 00:23:17,076
You seem pretty
smart. You got a sports coat.

414
00:23:17,077 --> 00:23:18,542
Yeah, me...

415
00:23:18,543 --> 00:23:19,904
Funny thing about being smart,

416
00:23:19,905 --> 00:23:23,534
is that you can get through most of life
without ever having to do any work.

417
00:23:23,535 --> 00:23:25,351
So, uh...

418
00:23:25,352 --> 00:23:27,633
I'm not really sure how to do that.

419
00:23:40,101 --> 00:23:42,882
What's going on?
Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf?

420
00:23:42,883 --> 00:23:45,073
- Can you hear me talking right now? Yes?
- Yes.

421
00:23:45,074 --> 00:23:46,574
That's good.

422
00:23:48,463 --> 00:23:49,529
You know what?

423
00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:52,824
Jeff, actually, we didn't
get that far without you, so...

424
00:23:52,825 --> 00:23:55,391
if you want to come back upstairs.

425
00:23:58,058 --> 00:23:59,230
Really?

426
00:23:59,549 --> 00:24:01,794
Well, it is your study group, so.

427
00:24:01,949 --> 00:24:03,446
Come on, let's study.

428
00:24:03,447 --> 00:24:05,887
- Sounds good.
- No pressure.

429
00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:19,063
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas
and I see your value now.

430
00:24:21,157 --> 00:24:24,657
Well, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.