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Good afternoon,
Greendale Community College.
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00:00:04,066 --> 00:00:08,332
I am your dean with a few corrections
to the fall class catalogue.
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00:00:08,537 --> 00:00:11,472
Cosmology should be
Cosmetology.
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00:00:11,673 --> 00:00:13,402
Astrology should be Astronomy.
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The students on the cover
should be smiling,
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but I suppose
that's a matter of opinion.
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Whoever is growing a small patch
of cannabis behind the gymnasium,
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congratulations,
you have won a cruise.
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Report to security
to claim your tickets.
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00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:30,019
In order to increase awareness
of homelessness,
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security has been given
binoculars.
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In campus news, the debate over
our library's PA system continues,
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with some students suggesting
its volume be lowered
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while others question
its very purpose.
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More on that story as it unfolds.
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That dude makes
a lot of announcements.
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I like it. It makes every 10 minutes
feel like a new scene of a TV show.
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The illusion lasts until someone says
something they never say on TV,
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like how much life is like TV.
There, it's gone.
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I guess Jeff's running late again.
Oh. What a shame.
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Maybe we should get started...
No, no, no.
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00:01:01,623 --> 00:01:04,217
I think we should wait for
Jeff before we start studying.
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00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:09,323
But when Jeff gets here, we could talk
to him, as a group, about his tardiness.
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Oh, come on now.
Don't use that word around Abed.
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If you want me to have
a chat with Jeff, I'd do it.
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We've got a bond going, kind of,
sort of like brothers.
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Hope your mom didn't make
you take baths together.
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Because one of you
would have been like 30.
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Ha, ha, ha.
That's funny.
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Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't
have to sit through your tardiness.
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Sorry, Abed.
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Hey, will you guys have
some self-respect?
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You are obsessing over someone who
does not give you a second thought.
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Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are
being killed by their own government.
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You jumped a column there.
What's happening in Guatemala?
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Nothing.
Journalists are being murdered?
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Believe me, every day in that country,
people are killed for speaking out.
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The worst part of it is,
when it's all over,
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Spoilers.
It's as if it never happened.
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Hey, Abed, real stories,
they don't have spoilers.
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You understand that TV and
life are different, right?
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Hey, baby.
Hi, sweetie.
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You smell nice. Vitamin P.
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Morning, Jeffrey.
People were jazzed to see me too.
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Word them up.
Word them everywhere.
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Good entrance. Thank you.
It was for you.
49
00:02:22,671 --> 00:02:23,660
Britta.
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00:02:23,872 --> 00:02:24,964
Hey, Jeff.
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I think there's something that the
group would like to talk to you about.
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Actually, there's nothing more to say.
Nice jacket.
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If you're gonna study
with people,
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it would be cool of you
to show up on time.
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Oh. Were you waiting?
No.
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I just got here.
No.
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You guys spend the first 20 minutes
talking about your interesting lives
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and your cool emotional problems.
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I feel like
I never have anything to offer.
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Ohh.
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No, no. Truth is, my life is emptier
than this three-ring binder.
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Annie, do you have any Spanish
notes that might fit in there?
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Wow. Double-spaced.
Thank you.
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So what's a guy gotta do
to get a C around here?
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That's the one.
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Good study.
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Thanks for good study.
See you later.
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00:03:37,145 --> 00:03:39,773
Hey, you know what today is?
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The two-week anniversary
of my horrible first impression.
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There's a card for that?
Well, not specifically.
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00:03:44,853 --> 00:03:47,048
But if you think of grandsons
as metaphors for friendship,
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you'll agree with
this Transformer here
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that it's time for ours to become
a man by reading from the Torah.
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Look, Jeff,
you're harmless enough to me.
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A life full of ups and downs
has given me douche-ray vision.
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But those are good people in there,
and they trust and respect you,
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and watching you exploit them
bums me out.
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00:04:03,505 --> 00:04:06,497
Exploit them? They're my friends.
Can I bring your car around?
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00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:10,371
No, Abed, I don't want you
bring my car around.
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00:04:10,578 --> 00:04:13,945
I'll bring yours around, good guy.
You get going, all right?
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00:04:14,616 --> 00:04:16,174
You're cute but selfish,
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and narcissistic to the point
of near-delusion.
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She said I was cute.
Tell you what. You take her.
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I have less to prove.
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00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,158
You know, Jeff, you can't
pursue people so desperately.
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It starts to creep them out.
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00:04:30,665 --> 00:04:32,826
Why don't we get a beer?
I'll give you advice,
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00:04:33,034 --> 00:04:35,764
and we can have what the kids
are calling a sausage fest.
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I'm not much of a sausage guy,
Pierce. Maybe next time.
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Next time then.
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Hey.
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00:04:46,247 --> 00:04:47,942
Will you tell us more
about Guatemala?
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I wanna be political.
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00:04:49,784 --> 00:04:52,309
That's good. You should discover
that stuff on your own.
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00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,612
We need your help.
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00:04:53,822 --> 00:04:56,086
We've been living on the wrong
side of the looking glass.
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00:04:56,291 --> 00:04:58,691
You're like Jodie Foster
or Susan Sarandon.
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You'd rather keep it real
than be likeable.
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00:05:00,562 --> 00:05:02,462
Can you at least tell us
what to Google?
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00:05:02,664 --> 00:05:04,791
You could start with the
journalist Chacata-Panecos.
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00:05:04,999 --> 00:05:07,559
He wrote an article critical of the
government and they killed him.
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00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,236
Oh.
That's horrible.
103
00:05:09,437 --> 00:05:10,426
Can we have a protest?
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00:05:10,638 --> 00:05:11,935
I wanna protest the hell
out of something.
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A candlelight vigil, like
lesbians on the news.
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I could make brownies.
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Brownies?
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Every once in a while,
a student will ask:
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"Seņor Chang,
why do you teach Spanish?"
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They say it just like that.
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"Why do you teach Spanish?"
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Why you.
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Why not math?
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Why not photography?
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Why not martial arts?
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I mean, surely it must be
in my nature to instruct you
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in something that's ancient
and secret
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00:05:56,317 --> 00:05:59,411
like, oh, building a wall that
you can see from outer space.
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Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.
It is none of your business, okay?
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00:06:04,859 --> 00:06:08,295
Now, I don't wanna have
any conversations about what
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a mysterious, inscrutable man I am.
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I am a Spanish genius.
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In espaņol my nickname is
El Tigre Chino.
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Because my knowledge
will bite her face off.
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So don't question Seņor Chang
or you'll get bit.
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Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.
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Okay, Friday maņana,
we'll be having conversations
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with the rest of the class, using
some phrases we learned in unit one.
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You'll be partnering up
in pairs of dos.
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Heh.
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So if you look under your desk,
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you will find a card with either
a picture or a word on it, okay?
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00:07:03,451 --> 00:07:05,351
Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,
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00:07:05,553 --> 00:07:08,249
has a card with a picture
of a house on it.
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00:07:08,456 --> 00:07:10,287
So that means the person
with the card
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00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:12,756
with the word "casa" on it
is her partner.
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Comprende, Star-Burns?
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Okay, see you Friday, find your
partners, have a great day.
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And what do we say
at the end of every class?
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Come on, hands.
Ninety percent of Spanish.
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Good.
Abed, do you want to trade cards?
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No.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
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00:07:41,322 --> 00:07:42,516
No.
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Fifty bucks.
No.
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I don't want money. I want your shirt.
What?
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I've had my eye on it
since registration day.
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Fine. Give me your card.
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00:07:51,065 --> 00:07:53,761
I don't think you understand.
I wanna wear it out of here.
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Thanks.
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00:07:57,472 --> 00:07:58,837
What are the odds?
151
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,940
Are you sure you didn't
adjust the odds?
152
00:08:01,142 --> 00:08:03,770
I know Abed's been eyeing
that shirt for three weeks.
153
00:08:03,978 --> 00:08:06,913
It's almost like you gave it to him
so he would switch cards.
154
00:08:07,115 --> 00:08:09,913
I gave Abed my shirt
because I'm not selfish.
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Which is something I guess you'll
finally discover while we work on this.
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Tomorrow night?
Dinner, drinks?
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00:08:16,391 --> 00:08:19,485
I think that's something that we
should discuss with our partners.
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Oh, see, I did switch cards.
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Can you believe this?
What are the odds? Heh, heh.
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00:08:28,937 --> 00:08:31,735
That's a nice shirt. Wanna sell it?
Yes.
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00:08:35,343 --> 00:08:37,607
What's the moist towelette
industry like? Oh.
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Believe me,
it's nothing like the product.
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No, it's a hard,
dry, large business.
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Destroyed all my marriages.
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00:08:45,053 --> 00:08:47,283
It didn't help any
that I can't have children.
166
00:08:47,488 --> 00:08:52,016
I'm not sterile. In fact it's a rare
condition called hyper-virility.
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Apparently my sperm shoot through
the egg like bullets. Heh.
168
00:08:55,863 --> 00:08:59,526
Can you believe that?
I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
169
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:03,632
So the assignment is to write
a Spanish conversation
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00:09:03,838 --> 00:09:06,568
using those five phrases that...
Ooh.
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00:09:06,774 --> 00:09:08,366
Hemingway's lemonade.
172
00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:10,642
We don't need to make this
a long evening.
173
00:09:10,845 --> 00:09:12,574
What am I,
a piece of garbage to you?
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What? No.
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Got you. Hey, come on, let's
have one drink before we work.
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Mm, mm, mm.
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00:09:29,497 --> 00:09:30,987
To the empowerage of words.
178
00:09:31,466 --> 00:09:34,435
To the irony of that sentence.
179
00:09:35,970 --> 00:09:36,994
So, what's up with you?
180
00:09:37,205 --> 00:09:39,867
It seems like you got a burr
up your ass or something.
181
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,645
Well, I guess that it's, uh...
I think it's Britta.
182
00:09:44,846 --> 00:09:47,041
Forget Britta. All you have to
know about her is her name.
183
00:09:47,248 --> 00:09:50,479
What is she, a water filter?
I mean, heh, heh, she's ugly.
184
00:09:51,019 --> 00:09:52,384
Okay.
185
00:09:53,721 --> 00:09:55,586
Why don't we start
with me saying, donde...
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00:09:55,790 --> 00:09:58,156
What the hell are you doing?
Our assignment.
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00:09:58,359 --> 00:09:59,826
Oh, no, no, no.
188
00:10:00,028 --> 00:10:03,122
This is the first time people are gonna
see Winger and Hawthorne together.
189
00:10:03,331 --> 00:10:05,356
We're gonna show them
we're to be reckoned with.
190
00:10:05,566 --> 00:10:08,091
Come on,
let's brainstorm some story ideas.
191
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:14,335
Better yet, before we do that,
let's ask ourselves...
192
00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:19,209
what is a story?
Oh, my God in heaven.
193
00:10:21,115 --> 00:10:24,642
Guatemala, we hate
194
00:10:24,852 --> 00:10:27,446
Guatemala, we hate
195
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:31,318
If you like that brownie, you're gonna hate
what's going on in Guatemala. Google it.
196
00:10:31,526 --> 00:10:32,720
Oh, hey, hey.
Hi.
197
00:10:32,927 --> 00:10:34,189
Raise the truth.
198
00:10:34,395 --> 00:10:37,125
Okay, once it gets dark,
I hand out the candles,
199
00:10:37,331 --> 00:10:39,697
and we do what's called
a speechless protest.
200
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:42,426
We put tape over our mouths
and gather hand in hand
201
00:10:42,637 --> 00:10:44,502
in a sea of outraged silence.
202
00:10:50,478 --> 00:10:53,003
Star-Burns, no, no.
203
00:10:53,748 --> 00:10:56,148
What's gotten into you?
This is not how you do this.
204
00:10:56,350 --> 00:10:58,682
It's not how you do it.
We're doing everything.
205
00:10:58,886 --> 00:11:01,252
But this is tacky and lame.
206
00:11:02,090 --> 00:11:04,786
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
207
00:11:04,992 --> 00:11:09,053
What I meant to say was that this
cause is really personal to me.
208
00:11:09,263 --> 00:11:13,097
Are you saying that
we're not allowed to protest?
209
00:11:13,301 --> 00:11:16,031
Britta, you sound like Guatemala.
210
00:11:16,237 --> 00:11:18,398
Somebody has a case of
"use fringe politics
211
00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:21,575
to make themselves feel special
but doesn't ever do anything."
212
00:11:21,776 --> 00:11:24,574
Itis.
No, I do things. I...
213
00:11:24,779 --> 00:11:26,371
I went to...
214
00:11:28,249 --> 00:11:30,740
I don't do anything.
215
00:11:32,587 --> 00:11:33,611
What can I do?
216
00:11:35,556 --> 00:11:37,387
You can hang the
Chacata-Panecos piņata.
217
00:11:38,126 --> 00:11:40,253
You guys realize
he was beaten to death, right?
218
00:11:40,461 --> 00:11:43,692
That's where we got the idea from.
Poignant.
219
00:11:44,232 --> 00:11:45,460
All right.
220
00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:52,302
Okay, tell me what I've got so far.
What we have so far?
221
00:11:52,507 --> 00:11:55,374
Well, we have something
incredibly long
222
00:11:55,576 --> 00:11:57,942
and very confusing,
and a little homophobic.
223
00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:01,279
And really, really,
specifically, surprisingly
224
00:12:01,482 --> 00:12:03,712
and gratuitously critical
of Israel.
225
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:06,113
It's called "Two Conquistadors.
" Should be dos.
226
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,914
I mean, it is Spanish class.
Oh, which reminds me.
227
00:12:09,123 --> 00:12:11,057
The only thing not included
in this epic
228
00:12:11,259 --> 00:12:14,751
are the five phrases required
to get me a passing grade.
229
00:12:16,297 --> 00:12:17,958
You're right. Needs more work.
230
00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:20,396
What are you guys doing?
I have no idea.
231
00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:22,762
We're headed to the demonstration.
Hippies?
232
00:12:22,970 --> 00:12:25,939
Some cause Britta's into.
It's a silent protest, lots of candles.
233
00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:28,506
Gets the ladies in the mood for social
change, if you know what I mean.
234
00:12:28,709 --> 00:12:30,233
Good chance to put
some miles on this shirt.
235
00:12:30,444 --> 00:12:33,675
You realize these conversations
are due in the morning, don't you?
236
00:12:33,881 --> 00:12:36,315
Oh, yeah. Right.
237
00:12:38,119 --> 00:12:39,984
What do you wanna do?
238
00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:54,696
Tsk. Hacks. Okay, what do we do
about the ending of act two?
239
00:12:54,902 --> 00:12:57,996
I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We are gonna take this
240
00:12:58,206 --> 00:13:00,834
and we're gonna put it
in a museum for crazy people.
241
00:13:01,509 --> 00:13:05,104
And then we're going to take this
and memorize five phrases from it
242
00:13:05,313 --> 00:13:08,339
tomorrow morning before class.
Good night.
243
00:13:08,549 --> 00:13:11,382
Wait a minute. You're bailing
on our first sausage fest?
244
00:13:11,586 --> 00:13:14,919
This is your definition of friendship?
No, this is my definition
245
00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:16,919
of you trying way too hard
246
00:13:17,124 --> 00:13:19,752
and me finding it harder
and harder to stay polite.
247
00:13:19,961 --> 00:13:22,862
This was a fine enough way to
spend an evening devoid of hope,
248
00:13:23,064 --> 00:13:25,692
but the woman I kind of like
is out in the moonlight
249
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:27,663
caring about something stupid.
250
00:13:27,869 --> 00:13:32,363
And this is my chance to show her that I
care enough to act like I care about it too.
251
00:13:32,573 --> 00:13:33,870
That's all you had to say, Jeff.
252
00:13:34,075 --> 00:13:35,064
That was it? Oh.
253
00:13:35,276 --> 00:13:37,870
That would have been great
if I had done that two hours ago.
254
00:14:20,922 --> 00:14:23,482
Nice sign.
Thanks.
255
00:14:23,691 --> 00:14:25,989
I like what you've done
with the place.
256
00:14:27,395 --> 00:14:31,456
I think was a little too harsh on you.
I'm not perfect.
257
00:14:31,666 --> 00:14:34,226
I am. I'd be happy
to show you the ropes.
258
00:14:34,635 --> 00:14:36,034
Awesome.
259
00:14:36,604 --> 00:14:39,573
Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.
260
00:14:39,774 --> 00:14:42,106
Too awesome for old Pierce
261
00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:46,440
with your hip shirts
and your gelled hair
262
00:14:46,948 --> 00:14:50,816
and your cool tape
over your mouth.
263
00:14:51,352 --> 00:14:53,445
Why is everybody wearing
tape over their mouth?
264
00:14:53,888 --> 00:14:55,150
It's a protest, Pierce.
265
00:14:55,356 --> 00:14:56,653
Oh, good.
266
00:14:56,857 --> 00:15:00,224
Because I know what I'd like to protest.
How much you hurt me.
267
00:15:00,428 --> 00:15:03,989
Conflicts like these will ultimately
bring us together as an unlikely family.
268
00:15:04,198 --> 00:15:05,529
You have horrible breath
right now.
269
00:15:05,733 --> 00:15:07,894
First, you constantly blow me off,
270
00:15:08,102 --> 00:15:09,899
then you want me to do
your homework.
271
00:15:10,104 --> 00:15:13,437
Then you tell me I'm trying too hard
to be your friend so you have to go.
272
00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:16,474
You had to come out here
to pretend to care
273
00:15:16,677 --> 00:15:19,475
about the stupid stuff
she cares about.
274
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,581
His words, not mine.
He is paraphrasing.
275
00:15:23,150 --> 00:15:25,618
I got an idea.
Why don't you go get a cup of coffee
276
00:15:25,820 --> 00:15:28,687
and hold some waitress hostage
with a monologue about sperm.
277
00:15:28,889 --> 00:15:31,517
I'll show you some sperm,
buddy.
278
00:15:31,726 --> 00:15:33,785
Is this your idea?
What the hell?
279
00:15:33,995 --> 00:15:35,053
Fire.
280
00:15:35,262 --> 00:15:37,457
No, I'm not ready to die.
281
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:40,998
Oh. Oh. He's...
282
00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:43,734
He's jumped in the fountain.
283
00:15:43,938 --> 00:15:46,463
He's fine.
Please call 911.
284
00:15:50,990 --> 00:15:53,833
Have you seen it?
We did it, girl. Page three.
285
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:55,995
It's about Pierce,
but listen to that paragraph.
286
00:15:56,203 --> 00:15:59,468
"The incident occurred during a protest
regarding events in Guatemala."
287
00:15:59,673 --> 00:16:01,368
Awareness.
This isn't the school paper.
288
00:16:01,575 --> 00:16:03,907
This is a real damn newspaper.
There's a Marmaduke in here.
289
00:16:04,111 --> 00:16:05,942
It's more than I ever accomplished.
290
00:16:06,146 --> 00:16:07,977
You know about
ethnic cleansing in Burma?
291
00:16:08,181 --> 00:16:09,580
We need to bust out
that brownie mix.
292
00:16:14,955 --> 00:16:16,980
Morning.
Morning.
293
00:16:18,058 --> 00:16:19,423
Oh, no, I get it.
294
00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:22,186
Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor
Day, and you'd like a fresh start.
295
00:16:22,396 --> 00:16:24,489
Nice try.
It's actually Secretaries Day.
296
00:16:24,698 --> 00:16:26,563
It says that I'm sorry
about crashing your protest
297
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,792
with that drunken,
self-immolating baby boomer.
298
00:16:29,002 --> 00:16:31,436
We don't blame you.
Pierce has been on my watch list.
299
00:16:31,638 --> 00:16:34,163
That dude is crazy.
He told me girls have two pee holes.
300
00:16:34,374 --> 00:16:36,501
I sang Christmas carols
at a nursing home once.
301
00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:39,736
I've seen the face of dementia,
and last night, I saw it again.
302
00:16:39,946 --> 00:16:43,712
You know what he did
that's really crazy?
303
00:16:43,917 --> 00:16:47,318
He offered me a 100 dollars
to switch cards with him
304
00:16:47,521 --> 00:16:49,819
just so he could be partners
with Jeff.
305
00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:54,350
I think he thought getting closer to Jeff
would bring him respect in the group.
306
00:16:54,561 --> 00:16:57,621
I think he spent his whole life
looking out for himself,
307
00:16:57,831 --> 00:17:02,165
and he would trade it all
for a shot at some kind of family.
308
00:17:08,709 --> 00:17:09,698
Hola, class.
309
00:17:11,111 --> 00:17:12,169
All right, time
for our presentations.
310
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,813
First up was supposed
to be Jeff and Pierce,
311
00:17:15,015 --> 00:17:16,983
but Pierce explained
the situation to me.
312
00:17:17,184 --> 00:17:19,152
There was a falling out,
things were said,
313
00:17:19,352 --> 00:17:21,547
people were betrayed.
314
00:17:21,755 --> 00:17:22,744
Wow.
315
00:17:22,956 --> 00:17:25,015
Jeff, having
heard Pierce's side of the story,
316
00:17:25,592 --> 00:17:27,787
the thing to do
would be to give you a C
317
00:17:27,994 --> 00:17:29,962
and let Pierce do
his presentation alone.
318
00:17:30,163 --> 00:17:31,687
If that sounds fair to you.
319
00:17:37,304 --> 00:17:39,898
That doesn't sound fair
to me at all.
320
00:17:40,107 --> 00:17:42,268
I understand if you don't
wanna be my friend.
321
00:17:42,476 --> 00:17:46,503
But this thing that we've created,
it is bigger than the both of us,
322
00:17:46,713 --> 00:17:50,171
and it deserves to be done right.
323
00:17:52,152 --> 00:17:53,813
All right.
324
00:17:55,689 --> 00:17:57,987
Okay, um, guys, why are
there costumes involved?
325
00:17:58,191 --> 00:18:00,523
These are short conversations.
They're not supposed to take...
326
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:02,092
Your breath away?
327
00:18:03,463 --> 00:18:04,555
Well, tough.
328
00:18:05,499 --> 00:18:06,625
You ready, amigo?
329
00:19:30,183 --> 00:19:32,378
F, F-minus.
330
00:19:33,186 --> 00:19:34,676
What?
331
00:19:35,689 --> 00:19:37,054
Did you say S?
332
00:19:41,361 --> 00:19:42,692
So...
333
00:19:43,663 --> 00:19:46,063
that was one of the worst
things I have ever seen.
334
00:19:46,266 --> 00:19:49,702
Which I guess makes being a part
of it a pretty selfless act.
335
00:19:49,903 --> 00:19:51,564
So I'm impressed.
336
00:19:51,771 --> 00:19:54,706
How do you know I didn't do it
just to get another shot at you?
337
00:19:54,908 --> 00:19:57,775
A smart guy like you would know
that no woman in that class
338
00:19:57,978 --> 00:20:01,539
will be able to look at you as a
sexually viable candidate ever again.
339
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:07,011
No, I know. I thought of that.
340
00:20:07,721 --> 00:20:09,313
She looked back.
341
00:20:12,325 --> 00:20:14,350
You did an all right job up there,
my friend.
342
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:15,653
Thanks, Pierce.
343
00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:16,851
A couple of notes.
344
00:20:17,063 --> 00:20:19,531
You got this thing you do with your
face when you're trying to be funny
345
00:20:19,733 --> 00:20:23,225
that forces people to think
about how cool you think you are.
346
00:21:03,636 --> 00:21:05,069
Yeah, boy, boy.
347
00:21:05,271 --> 00:21:06,533
Yeah.
What.
348
00:21:06,739 --> 00:21:09,537
It's 2009.
Word.