WEBVTT

1
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[ Indistinct talking,
glass clinking ]Claire: Speech! Speech!

2
00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:05,962
Okay, okay, okay.
Settle down.

3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,181
Um...

4
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:09,183
It's hard to believe I'm 50.

5
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:11,620
A-A-As of today,
I'm middle-aged.

6
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:13,274
What's he been
the last10 years?

7
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:15,232
Delusional. He thinks
he's a millennial, like us.

8
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,104
I've thought a lot
about what's next.

9
00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:19,323
51.Thank you, buddy.

10
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:21,891
And it's important
that I continue to grow

11
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:24,981
and that I stay
mentally challenged.

12
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Which is why
I am starting...

13
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,246
piano lessons,

14
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so that
by next year's birthday,

15
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I'll be good enough
to perform in public.

16
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:34,991
Oh, great.
Another thing to go to.

17
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,863
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.

18
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iExcelente!

19
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:42,216
Uh, I --
I haven't started yet.

20
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:44,000
Um, and finally, um --

21
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and I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,

22
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,483
but...

23
00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:51,225
[ Chuckles ] I'm gonna learn
how to ride a unicycle!

24
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[ Sighs ]

25
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,098
Phil, you forgotto open one of your gifts.

26
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,273
Ooh!

27
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This one, Jay picked it upfor you himself.

28
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He did?

29
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[ Paper ripping ]Hey, Dad.

30
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:03,019
So, what's going on
with that hat?

31
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Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take

32
00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:06,892
when we go
to these things,

33
00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:08,372
so I'm searching
for the right hat

34
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,244
that makes me look
like I'm having fun.

35
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,159
Or you could
just smile more.

36
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Eh.

37
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Wow!

38
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"The Sommelier's Guide
to the Wines of France."

39
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Claire: Ooh!

40
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I love it so much.Nice!

41
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Oh, my goodness.
It's inscribed.

42
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[ Gasps ]

43
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"May you continue to age

44
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as gracefully
as a fine Bordeaux."

45
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Dad...

46
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"Happy Birthday, Jay.

47
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:31,917
Love, Cam."

48
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,355
...Cam. Yeah.Jay, you re-gifted my gift?

49
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Dad!

50
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I didn't know
he wrote in it.

51
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:37,749
Because
you didn't open it.

52
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So now
I feel like a jerk.

53
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,231
How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.

54
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A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.

55
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,024
--Captions by VITAC--

56
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,950
I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift --

57
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:08,215
a box set of DVDs
of all the Dean Martin Roasts.

58
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:10,826
I was so moved
by the romantic gesture

59
00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:12,523
that for Jay's birthday,

60
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:15,961
I invited a bunch of people over
to insult him.

61
00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:17,354
[ Laughter ]

62
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,443
Shorty:
So, my ex-wife and I,

63
00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:21,967
we were on vacation
with Jay and Gloria.

64
00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:23,404
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,

65
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:26,189
"Whoa,
look at all that skin."

66
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,322
And I said, "Baby, come on.

67
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What's wrong with that?

68
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:31,890
She's a beautiful woman
in a bikini."

69
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,241
She said, "Oh, I'm talkin'
about Jay's scalp."

70
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,330
[ Laughter ]

71
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,639
Jay is so not Latin

72
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that every time that he dances,

73
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people point him
to the bathroom.

74
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[ Laughter ]

75
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He has no rhythm.
That's what I mean.

76
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But seriously,
I love the whites.

77
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,219
No, but seriously, Jay is
quite the environmentalist.

78
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Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine --

79
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a wonderful book about wine.

80
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[ Laughs, whimpers ]

81
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[ Clears throat ]

82
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,229
I-I don't want to say
my father is old,

83
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but he remembers panicking
at Y-1-K.

84
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,669
[ Laughter ]

85
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,845
My dad is old.

86
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,847
Together: How old is he?

87
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He's so old
that when he started using it,

88
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it was called Preparation G.

89
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[ Laughter ]

90
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Enough!

91
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:25,030
This is terrible!

92
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:28,164
I don't know why any ofyou people think this is funny!

93
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:32,473
You may think these are jokes,but it's way too real.

94
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:36,085
We need to respect Grandpainstead of cutting him down.

95
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:39,610
None of us really knowshow much time he has left.

96
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,525
Do you really want theseto be the last words he hears?

97
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Well,
now I feel like hell.

98
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And that'show you roast!
Bam!

99
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[ Laughter and applause ]

100
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I don't understand
why adults make such a big deal

101
00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:53,494
about their birthdays.

102
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So this year,
I asked for nothing.

103
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No party, no fuss.

104
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Just a quiet night by myself,

105
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with my thoughts, all alone.

106
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[ Crickets chirping ]

107
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,158
Okay.

108
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:08,465
Just as I had hoped,Mitchell is miserable.

109
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He saidhe didn't want a party,

110
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,295
but it's like when you write"No gifts" on an invitation

111
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:13,688
but you secretly want everyoneto bring something

112
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:14,732
big and expensive,
Jotham.

113
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I made a heartfelt toast
at your party.

114
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Yes, and those 12 wordswere just as generous

115
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as the actual physical giftseveryone else brought.

116
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Okay,I'm gonna go in.

117
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When you hear me say"Mitchell, you're not alone,"

118
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that's when you come inand you yell "Surprise."

119
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We know what to say.

120
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Mm. Do you?
[ Chuckles ]

121
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Hey!

122
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How you doing? Okay?Yeah.

123
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Now do you see what it's liketo spend your birthday alone?

124
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[ Sighs ] I do.
And it's...

125
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Yeah.
...amazing.

126
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,371
What?
Cam, thank you.
Thank you.

127
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,764
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted

128
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:49,114
instead of what you thought
I should want.

129
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:51,029
Honey, this is
the best birthday present ever.

130
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It is?
Yes!

131
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:55,033
Oh, and you've --
you've got to be relieved, too.

132
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I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,

133
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they leave and you spend
the rest of the night

134
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complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.

135
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I don't knowwhat you're talking about!

136
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Oh, please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.

137
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That doesn't
sound like me!

138
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Antonio's weave
is falling apart.

139
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Vincent's
a sloppy drunk.

140
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Oh, oh, Jeffrey
won't stop telling

141
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,965
his one
Bernadette Peters story.

142
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You're
the sloppy drunk!

143
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Surprise!

144
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Here's a thing I realized --

145
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you can't get older
if you never have birthdays.

146
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♪ Happy birth--

147
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What'd I tell you?

148
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I thoughtthis would be the year.

149
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:40,992
I told my family
I just wanted my birthday

150
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:43,212
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,

151
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:44,996
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,

152
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,389
and I knew
they'd get all suspicious

153
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:47,608
about why I wasn't drinking.

154
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,087
What was I going to say?

155
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"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?

156
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[ Laughs ]

157
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,527
There's no way
they'd believe that.

158
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,268
Here.
I got you a present.

159
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,531
Ooh! Thank you!

160
00:05:57,574 --> 00:05:59,184
[ Gasps ]

161
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,403
Get out!

162
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:01,752
Gucci baby sneakers!

163
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[ Laughs ]

164
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,539
They're adorable.

165
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,410
[ Crying ]Our baby's gonna be so hot.

166
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,890
Personally,
I think it's weird

167
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,413
that there are shoes
for someone who can't walk.

168
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:11,414
But you know what,
Haley?

169
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:14,374
I love
that we're pregnannnt --

170
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,594
Hello!
Hi!

171
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:18,682
What are you guys
doing here?

172
00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:20,249
At the restaurant?
We got a --

173
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:21,555
We got a Groupon,
but we --
Us too.

174
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:23,470
Yeah, we j-- we just saw
that you were over here.

175
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,080
Wanted to say
happy birthday.Happy birthday.

176
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,690
Didn't mean
to overhear.

177
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:27,430
You didn't
overhear anything.

178
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,127
We were talking
about a TV show.

179
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,564
Oh, well, then,
what's -- what's up

180
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,652
with these little
baby shoes, then?

181
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:33,436
These are --These are not baby shoes.

182
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,568
Oh.
No, they're, um...

183
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,091
We are
starting a business

184
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:39,834
for people who cannot affordfull-size designer wear.

185
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,880
Oh. Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I -- Mm.

186
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:44,055
Okay.

187
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,667
I'm pregnant.[ Gasping ] Oh, my God.

188
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:47,929
[ Whispering ]
That's exciting!

189
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:49,887
Is it?
We think so.

190
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:51,672
But we have nottold my parents yet,

191
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,282
so please
don't say anything.

192
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:55,676
Oh, honey, Icould
keep your secret forever,

193
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:57,329
but just so you know,
he can't.

194
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:58,722
Yeah, I'm weak.

195
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:00,463
Yeah, you got
maybe three, four days tops.

196
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,943
[ Laughs nervously ]What?
Yeah.

197
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,901
Oh. Okay. Well,
these werefrom us, but...

198
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,468
Yeah, she can't have it.She's pregnant.

199
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,339
Okay, there you go.
See?

200
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:08,689
Now,
you listen to me.

201
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:09,820
My roller-coasteringhormones

202
00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:11,735
cannot handle another lecturefrom my mother right now,

203
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,302
so you aregoing to tell me a secret

204
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:16,958
that I will reveal to everyoneif you ever spill mine!

205
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,829
Yeah, but I don't have
any secrets.
Mm?

206
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,831
[ Whispering ]
Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,

207
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:23,181
he puts the makeup
everywhere.

208
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,618
Mm. You're the best.[ Giggles ]Mm-hmm.

209
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,839
Because of the whole 21 thing,

210
00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:30,493
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.

211
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,626
But it's all
I've been thinking about

212
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,497
for the last three years.

213
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,630
[ Rock music playing,
needle buzzing ]

214
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:37,631
Hey.

215
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,111
Three years ago,
I came in here,

216
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,766
and when I saw you,
I fell in love.

217
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,160
The kind of love
that punches you in the gut

218
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:47,292
and makes you
wanna be a better man.

219
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:49,556
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.

220
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:52,210
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."

221
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,648
Well...
check it out.

222
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,214
Oh! Happy birthday!

223
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:57,781
But now
I don't date men.

224
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:58,608
Oh.

225
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:03,961
Well...looks like
I've got a decision to make.

226
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,312
On mybirthday this year,

227
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,098
I really got a sense
of what people think of me.

228
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,447
Which is...

229
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,579
so great.

230
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,624
This is
from me and the boys.

231
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,147
Gloria got you
her own gift.

232
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:19,237
Wow, this is wrapped
so nicely!

233
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,325
Idid that.

234
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:22,110
It's a lost art
in this modern age

235
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,547
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.

236
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,418
Papi,
just be normal.

237
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,812
Let's see.
It is, uh...

238
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,335
some kind
of silk pillow?

239
00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:31,336
Well,it's more than that.

240
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,687
See, there's a switch
on the side,

241
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:36,341
and when you lay on it, it --it plays ocean sounds for you.

242
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,691
You know,i-it helps you relax.

243
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:38,953
Huh.

244
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,607
At leastit's not a re-gift.

245
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:41,782
How do you
live with this?
I...

246
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,958
[ Inhales sharply ]
Tell you what.

247
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,481
How about we do onemore gift,
and then

248
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,352
we take a break for cake
and do the rest after?Yeah.

249
00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:48,702
Hmm?

250
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,617
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.

251
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,053
Mm,
thank you, Dylan.

252
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:53,402
Although I have to say,

253
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:56,448
you have given me enough giftsthis year already.

254
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,973
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.

255
00:08:59,016 --> 00:08:59,713
Yeah.

256
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,279
[ Clears throat ]

257
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:02,759
What is this?

258
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,282
It's an aromatherapy
machine.

259
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,371
See, you put in oils
that are supposed to help you

260
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:07,808
with the stress
of the day.

261
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:08,852
Oh!

262
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:10,854
Alright, well...
let's see.

263
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:13,422
So far,
I have gotten a spa day,

264
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:14,641
three massages,

265
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:17,644
a meditation class,
an ocean pillow,

266
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:20,168
a rage bat,
and a little machine

267
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,257
that's supposed to trick my noseinto calming me down.

268
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,606
Why does everyone think
I'm so tense?

269
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:25,608
You bit throughyour night guard.

270
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:27,654
You're squeezing me
too hard.

271
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,830
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.

272
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:32,180
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.

273
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:33,834
The entire family
was sick.

274
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:35,313
I was not
cooking meth.

275
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,620
You know what?
I don't even want cake.

276
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,796
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,

277
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,319
especially
on my birthday.

278
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:43,017
[ Motor buzzing ]

279
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:47,021
Um, that's my gift.
Open later.

280
00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:50,024
Manny and I share a birthday,

281
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,635
so I always do something big
to get attention.

282
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,333
Look! No hands!

283
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,639
Way to go, kid!Bravo, papi!

284
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,685
Hey, guys!
Check it out.

285
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,252
Unicycling
to my piano lesson.

286
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,907
Wow!We're so proud of you!

287
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:04,647
Now,
that'simpressive.

288
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,910
Happy birthday, Joe!

289
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,130
It was!

290
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,784
It goes without saying

291
00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:12,699
I'm the best performer
in the family.

292
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:15,702
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show

293
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,486
so they all start saying it.

294
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,009
Wait.

295
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:20,881
It's a talent show?I-I didn't know that.

296
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:21,664
It said soon the invitation.

297
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:22,665
Cam: Mitchell?

298
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,101
I only skimmed it.

299
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:25,233
This is a disaster.

300
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,061
We didn't
prepare anything!

301
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:30,542
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪

302
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:34,285
♪ In the morning

303
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,157
♪ No one could be sweeter
than my sweetie... ♪

304
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,812
I can't believe they hadmatching vests in their car.

305
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,118
Uncle Grumpy,
why are you so angry?

306
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:44,731
[ Deep voice ]Because the Presidentwants to build a wall!

307
00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,168
Ay, yeah,
that is very sad.

308
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,560
Sad for me,

309
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:52,347
because I have no moneyand I am ugly.

310
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:56,307
For you,he would let you inbecause you have money

311
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,309
and you have the boobs.

312
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,311
[ Laughter ]

313
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,791
I never thought Uncle Grumpywould go political.

314
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:02,662
Hm. Yeah.

315
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,882
[ Beethoven's "Fur Elise"
plays slowly ]

316
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:08,929
[ Sour notes play ]

317
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:11,714
I knew I wasn't ready!

318
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,411
♪ Naah-aah
♪ Butterflies
all flutter up ♪

319
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:14,935
♪ Aah-aah
♪ And kisseach little buttercup... ♪

320
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,501
Stella, walk in a circle.

321
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:17,720
Stella, sit.

322
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:19,330
Bang!

323
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,767
Ohh.Ah. Close, Dad.

324
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,160
No, I taught her
to go for the gun.

325
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,206
[ "Turkey in the Straw" plays ]

326
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:28,644
The banjo scares me ever sinceI saw that creepy film.

327
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,906
Wait. What was it
called, again?

328
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,125
"Deliverance"?

329
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:34,345
No -- "The Muppet Movie."[ Shudders ]

330
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,608
[ Cellphone clicking ]He was a three-toed tree toad,
but a two-toed toad was she.

331
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,393
The three-toed tree toad
tried to win the two-toed
shetoad's heart,

332
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,960
for the three-toed tree toad
loved the ground

333
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,135
that the two-toed
tree toad trod.

334
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:42,571
"...tree toad trod."And sent.[ Cellphone bloops ]

335
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:43,746
[ Cellphones ding, chime ]

336
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:44,878
Ohh!
Whoa!
Ay!

337
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,444
Stop it!

338
00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:47,968
Fastest thumbs
in the West!

339
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,839
[ Blows, laughs ]

340
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:53,364
♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp
for only a day ♪

341
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:57,368
♪ I would make a wish,
and here's what I'd say ♪

342
00:11:57,412 --> 00:12:00,545
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪

343
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:04,549
♪ In the mooorniiing

344
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,595
As you all know,
Sherry and I met

345
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:09,206
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.

346
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,948
So, we're at
a romantic restaurant.

347
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:13,341
Okay.

348
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:14,646
[ Chair thuds ]

349
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,039
[ Sighs ]

350
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,998
That dinner
was delicious.

351
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,913
I can't believeyou chose this place.

352
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:22,002
The chef
is my ex-boyfriend.

353
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:23,046
The crazy one?

354
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,047
Yes.

355
00:12:24,091 --> 00:12:25,266
He's very jealous,

356
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,355
and I'm scaredhe did something to your food.

357
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,617
Oh. Eh...

358
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,010
I amfeeling
a little funny.

359
00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:31,707
I wish thiswere
a little funny.

360
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,404
Ooh. Ha.
Okay. Oh, boy.

361
00:12:33,448 --> 00:12:34,884
Whew!

362
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,364
I-Is this room spinning?
I --

363
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:37,060
No.

364
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:38,714
I was afraid of that.

365
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,760
Well, then I better do this
before it's too late.

366
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:43,632
And this part is real.

367
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:45,460
Sherry Shaker,

368
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,244
I used to be
a one-man show,

369
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,812
and then you entered
from stage left,

370
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,683
and I fell in love.

371
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,163
I want you

372
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:56,036
to be my scene partner
forever.

373
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:59,256
Darling, let's force our friendsto sit through

374
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,824
the rest of our lives
together.

375
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,434
[ Gasps ]

376
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,088
Will you marry me?

377
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,089
[ Whispering ]Oh, my God.

378
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,177
[ Exhales sharply ]

379
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,918
Manny!

380
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:11,878
No!

381
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,054
Why would you do this?!

382
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:15,882
[ Rapid footsteps departing ]

383
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,321
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.

384
00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:21,322
[ Chuckles ]

385
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:22,149
[ Door opens, closes ]

386
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,718
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.

387
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:30,897
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily

388
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:34,901
♪ Happy birthday to you

389
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,685
[ Crying ] I still can't believeSherry said no

390
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,034
and broke up with me.

391
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:39,906
[ Whispering ]
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.

392
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:42,647
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.

393
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,301
Whatever happened
to "Yes and"?

394
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,912
Gloria: [ Whispering ]Jay, I've tried everything.

395
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:48,262
Please say something to himthat will make him feel better.

396
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:49,916
Fine.

397
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,918
Kid, let it go.

398
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,658
It was four days ago.

399
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:55,965
Alright,
let's make a wish!

400
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,140
I wish I were dead.

401
00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:58,141
[ Blows ]

402
00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:59,273
Alright.

403
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,840
There we go.

404
00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:05,279
Haley and I
have had this plan for years

405
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:08,238
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.

406
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:11,067
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.

407
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:13,678
Technically, four.

408
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:16,246
[ Techno music plays ]

409
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:18,901
Lemme tell you something,Haley Dunphy.

410
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,034
Do you knowhow much I admire you?

411
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:22,078
[ Laughs ]
Do you?

412
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,950
So much!

413
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:26,953
While I wasworking my butt off,

414
00:14:26,996 --> 00:14:28,606
you were out there
having fun!

415
00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:30,173
Not worrying
about anything --

416
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,697
not school, not work...

417
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,134
[ Laughing ]
not condoms.

418
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:36,049
Look at you --
all preg-a-nant.

419
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,398
[ Chuckles ]

420
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:39,095
Maybe I should have Billcome get mepregnant.

421
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,401
Ooh.

422
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:43,186
Then we can be pregnanttogether! That would be fun!

423
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,753
Where's my phone?

424
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,973
I'm gonna text himto come get me pregnant.

425
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,409
You know what?

426
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,585
It's 2000-something.

427
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,021
I'm gonna
get himpregnant!

428
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,068
I miss drinking.

429
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,592
Unlike somepeople,
I love my birthday.

430
00:14:57,635 --> 00:14:59,724
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.

431
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,378
[ Scoffs, chuckles ]

432
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,163
[ Indistinct conversations ]

433
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:03,990
Oh, yeah.
Um, um --

434
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:06,166
So, um, I thought
it would be fun

435
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,558
if we all
went around the room

436
00:15:07,602 --> 00:15:08,951
and say
what we love about Cam.

437
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,344
Oh!
Yeah.

438
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,389
Well, that's out of nowhere,
but if you insist.

439
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,738
Haley,
why don't you go first?

440
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,131
Oh, me? Okay.

441
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,090
Well, um...
I love Uncle Cam

442
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,527
because he is funand dresses with flair.

443
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:20,789
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my gosh.

444
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:21,790
[ Chuckles ]

445
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,183
And, uh, I love

446
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,967
that he makesmy Uncle Mitchell happy.

447
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,360
Awww!
Ohh!

448
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,014
Oh, also, I love that you guyswere the first ones

449
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,016
to find out I was pregnantand you never judged me.

450
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:32,757
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

451
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:35,021
I thought we all found out
at the same time.

452
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:36,239
Oh, uh...Well...

453
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,024
Mitchell, you knew she waspregnant and you didn't tell me?

454
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,982
I didn't think
it was my place.

455
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,549
Anyway,
who's next?

456
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:43,029
"What I love
about Cam is..."

457
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:45,335
I just wish you would
have my back just once.

458
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:47,468
I don't think
she's been using my gift.

459
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:50,036
♪ Happy birthday to Cam,
happy -- ♪Stop. Drop it.

460
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,472
Welcome to myworld.

461
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,213
At mybirthday, all anyone
cared about was weepy Manny

462
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,128
'cause Sherry
broke up with him.

463
00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:57,826
[ Crying ]She has a boyfriend now.

464
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,349
Way to go, Lily.

465
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,872
Way to go!

466
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:02,265
[ Sighs ]

467
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:04,093
[ Vivaldi's "Four Seasons"
plays ]

468
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:12,623
♪♪

469
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,843
How old are you?

470
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:18,020
I turn 51 in, uh...

471
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,456
this many days.

472
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,892
Ugh.

473
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,156
Mydad hada midlife crisis, too.

474
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,027
I have a hamster
at his condo.

475
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:26,942
No.
N-No midlife crisis.

476
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,205
I just think you're --
you're never too old to learn.

477
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,033
♪♪

478
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,817
Just stay away
from my mom.

479
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,645
She has a thing
for losers.

480
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:35,951
♪♪

481
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,648
[ Breathing quickly ]

482
00:16:37,692 --> 00:16:38,693
Are you okay?

483
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:40,173
Should we take you
to the hospital?

484
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,262
Yeah, the contractions
are getting closer together.

485
00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:43,959
No. Dad is next.

486
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,135
I can hold it
for a few minutes, okay?

487
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:47,876
I don't want to screw this up
for him. [ Groans ]

488
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:51,053
[ Song ends ]

489
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,186
[ Cheers and applause ]

490
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:56,319
Yikes.Hate to follow that.

491
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,191
What are yougonna dazzle us with?

492
00:16:58,234 --> 00:16:59,279
"Fur Elise."

493
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:02,108
In which key --
"B" obvious?

494
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:05,850
Next up, the only
student of mine who shaves.

495
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,983
[ Chuckles ]
Phillip Dunphy.

496
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,551
[ Applause ]

497
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,031
[ Breathing quickly ][ Phil clears throat ]

498
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:15,556
Um...

499
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,210
[ Bench squeaks ]

500
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:20,169
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things

501
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:21,953
to take me
out of my comfort zone

502
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:24,217
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family

503
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,132
for being
my biggest cheerleaders.

504
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:27,133
Haley: Oooooaaaaaah!

505
00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:28,873
I love you, too, honey.

506
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:31,093
No, Haley's going into
labor! We've got to get her
to the hospital, honey!

507
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,094
Phil: Oh!I tried to hold it!
I'm sorry, Dad!

508
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,096
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, everyone!

509
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,011
Convenient.

510
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:41,756
[ Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays
quickly ]

511
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:49,764
♪♪

512
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:51,113
[ Song ends ]

513
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,158
[ Cheers and applause ]Yes! Great! Come on!

514
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,115
Great work, honey.

515
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,335
Tell your mom I say hi.

516
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,293
[ Cheers and applause continue ]

517
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:59,904
[ Indistinct talking over P.A. ]

518
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:00,905
Dylan!

519
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:02,124
Is everything
okay?

520
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,343
[ Sighs ]

521
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:04,431
No.

522
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,477
Everything's amazing.

523
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,392
Why would you
say it that way?

524
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,567
Haley's fine.

525
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:12,265
She was so brave.

526
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,049
And the babies are great!

527
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,746
I can't wait
to see them!

528
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,139
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.

529
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,488
I'm gonna
go get them now.

530
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:19,489
Wait, wait.

531
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,012
What aboutthe sex?

532
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:22,840
Doctor says
not for six weeks.

533
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,280
Jay: Is this
the Dunphy suite?

534
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,281
[ Laughter ]

535
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,805
Oh, how's the mommy?

536
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:33,199
Hand sanitizer, everyone.
Here you go.

537
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,287
How you doing, kiddo?

538
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,202
A little tired.
I overdid it last night.

539
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:38,552
[ Chuckling ] I don't think
he was talking to you, buddy.

540
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:39,988
It's overwhelming.

541
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:41,424
Just feeling
so many different emotions.

542
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,339
I'm also doing great.

543
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:45,776
I have
a son and a daughter,

544
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,822
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.

545
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:48,823
Gloria: Aww!

546
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:50,346
Oh, what are
their names?

547
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:53,306
We're gonna put a pin in thatuntil the drugs wear off.

548
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:56,222
Nobody needs grandchildrennamed Pixar and Coachella.

549
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,266
Ooh.

550
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,312
Phil,
this is for you.

551
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:02,184
It's a...littleearly birthday present.

552
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:05,231
And I admit,this one is a re-gift.

553
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,452
"World's
Best Grandfather."

554
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:10,671
Claire: [ Gasps ]

555
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,412
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.

556
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,456
You kept it
all these years.

557
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,980
Yeah. But, uh...
it's yours now.

558
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:18,157
I don't need it anymore.I got a new title.

559
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,507
"Great grandma"?

560
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,118
Oh, hell.I grabbed the wrong one.

561
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,337
Here.

562
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,468
I'm going to
count to three.

563
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:26,469
Yeah.

564
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,471
Hey, how was
your recital, Phil?

565
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:30,038
Oh, I messed it all upfor him.

566
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,257
Sorry about that, Dad.

567
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,911
I-I know that wasyour big goal for the year.

568
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:35,913
I have
a better one now.

569
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:38,089
Mi ano fue hermoso.

570
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:39,047
My year was beautiful.

571
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,353
Claire: Mm.

572
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,268
"Año" means "year."

573
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,313
"Ano" means "anus."

574
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:46,837
Still works.

575
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:49,013
Hey, everybody.

576
00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:51,364
[ Gasps ] Ay, where arethe babies? I want to see them.

577
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,540
There's no easy way
to say this.

578
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:58,458
Mitch and Cam have a whole thingthey want to do.

579
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,373
Oh, God.It's worse than I thought.

580
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:04,159
♪ Nants ingonyama

581
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,465
♪ Bagithi baba

582
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,076
Oh, my God!
I love it so much!

583
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:08,946
[ Laughter ]

584
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:12,820
♪♪

585
00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:15,910
♪ It's the circle of life

586
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,391
I can't believe they hadmatching robes in their car.

587
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:19,479
♪ And it moves us all

588
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:23,047
They're so beautiful!

589
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,876
♪ Through despair and hope

590
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,138
Good job.

591
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,271
[ Whispering ] You're bothgonna get dog beds.

592
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,099
♪ Through faith and hope

593
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,318
You're next, huh?

594
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,406
Shh!

595
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:34,755
Okay. Okay.
I'm just saying.

596
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:39,107
♪ It's the circle

597
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:40,717
Good job, kid.

598
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:46,157
♪ The circle of life

599
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,424
Oh,
is he still crying?

600
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,773
Yeah,
has been for hours.

601
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,340
[ Sighs ] Wow.

602
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,298
I thought he'd cry himself
to sleep, poor little guy.

603
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,299
Well,has he eaten anything?

604
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,301
Uh, I fed him
an hour ago.

605
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:01,129
It's amazing
how one can be fine

606
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:02,783
and the other one
is so upset.

607
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:04,524
You go up to bed.I'll check on him one last time.

608
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,308
Thanks, Mom.

609
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:09,920
There's
my big, brave boy.

610
00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:11,444
[ Crying ] Sherry bookeda toothpaste commercial.

611
00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:12,575
Uh-huh.

612
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,708
I'm going to have to seethat beautiful smile

613
00:21:14,751 --> 00:21:16,013
all the time!

614
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:17,406
Mm.

615
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,668
There, there.
Let it out.

616
00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:19,713
[ Sobs ]