1
00:00:03,990 --> 00:00:07,058
I don't remember buying these fresh peaches.
2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,326
Aah!
3
00:00:08,428 --> 00:00:09,828
Apologies, Serge.
4
00:00:09,896 --> 00:00:12,497
My wife, Claire, seems to have
forgotten that I'm holding office hours
5
00:00:12,532 --> 00:00:14,766
for my Intro to Real
Estate class here at home.
6
00:00:14,835 --> 00:00:17,869
So, when I walked to the laundry
room 10 minutes ago in my bra...
7
00:00:17,971 --> 00:00:18,903
That was kind of perfect, actually.
8
00:00:18,972 --> 00:00:20,071
I had just made a point
9
00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:23,641
about how buildings from the early
'70s were holding up surprisingly well.
10
00:00:23,744 --> 00:00:25,138
So maybe I'll... Yeah.
11
00:00:25,173 --> 00:00:25,910
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
12
00:00:26,012 --> 00:00:27,946
All right, see you in class, buddy.
13
00:00:28,343 --> 00:00:30,281
What a great kid.
14
00:00:30,317 --> 00:00:32,617
That's why I chucked it all
for a life in academia, Claire.
15
00:00:33,455 --> 00:00:34,686
It's a special feeling
16
00:00:34,788 --> 00:00:36,921
knowing that there's a young
man walking around out there
17
00:00:37,023 --> 00:00:39,624
who you helped mold,
who you can be proud of.
18
00:00:39,726 --> 00:00:41,559
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey. You know?
19
00:00:42,863 --> 00:00:44,195
You're up early.
20
00:00:44,297 --> 00:00:45,230
What are you talking about?
21
00:00:45,332 --> 00:00:46,831
I hugged you from behind earlier.
22
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,567
You know, I said,
"I don't remember buying this six pack."
23
00:00:49,669 --> 00:00:51,970
Then you did that funny
Eastern European accent...
24
00:00:52,072 --> 00:00:53,004
"I don't want trouble.
25
00:00:53,106 --> 00:00:54,463
I just want to learn."
26
00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:57,842
Should we be concerned
about group-molesting Serge?
27
00:00:57,944 --> 00:00:59,711
And aren't you at the
minimum number of students
28
00:00:59,813 --> 00:01:01,479
- before they cancel your class?
- Not to worry.
29
00:01:01,581 --> 00:01:03,882
Serge worships me,
and the rest of the class is super solid.
30
00:01:03,984 --> 00:01:05,850
Plus, it's the last day
to drop classes anyway.
31
00:01:05,952 --> 00:01:08,386
Oh, speaking of that,
I'm thinking about dropping history.
32
00:01:08,488 --> 00:01:10,588
- How come?
- It's not really exciting me.
33
00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:12,490
Plus, we've got this huge paper due today
34
00:01:12,592 --> 00:01:14,192
that I haven't quite finished starting.
35
00:01:14,294 --> 00:01:16,227
It's on the Monroe Doctrine.
36
00:01:16,329 --> 00:01:18,329
The Monroe Doctrine?
37
00:01:18,431 --> 00:01:19,464
Oh, no.
38
00:01:19,566 --> 00:01:21,399
Junior year history class,
39
00:01:21,501 --> 00:01:23,168
I wrote the perfect paper.
40
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:26,070
Strong thesis,
impeccable supporting arguments.
41
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,773
I quoted from the letters
of a White House footman
42
00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:31,209
who recalled Monroe calling
to him from the bath,
43
00:01:31,311 --> 00:01:33,812
"Beauregard, fetch me my breeches.
44
00:01:33,914 --> 00:01:35,613
We have a doctrine!"
45
00:01:35,715 --> 00:01:37,182
I got a "C."
46
00:01:39,719 --> 00:01:42,353
Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh?
47
00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:43,655
Don't patronize me.
48
00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:56,668
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,875
Mmm. The food at the club
50
00:01:59,974 --> 00:02:01,509
has gotten so much lighter and healthier.
51
00:02:01,575 --> 00:02:04,843
We had a run of angina attacks,
so we had to go heart-healthy.
52
00:02:04,945 --> 00:02:07,045
We said goodbye
to our social chairman, Herb,
53
00:02:07,147 --> 00:02:09,247
and our butter fountain in the same weekend.
54
00:02:09,349 --> 00:02:10,582
Oh, I'm sorry.
55
00:02:10,684 --> 00:02:11,616
Hey, Mr. Pritchett.
56
00:02:11,718 --> 00:02:12,617
I'll take this when you're ready.
57
00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,586
- Thank you, Maria.
- Oh, Maria,
58
00:02:14,688 --> 00:02:16,487
that's a beautiful name.
That's why it's often sung.
59
00:02:16,590 --> 00:02:17,722
But you're not going to...
60
00:02:17,824 --> 00:02:20,358
♪ Ave Maria ♪
61
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:22,560
And curtain. Okay,
they just started letting gays in here.
62
00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:23,561
Don't make them regret it.
63
00:02:23,663 --> 00:02:25,063
You might also wanna tell Sharona
64
00:02:25,165 --> 00:02:26,898
- to steer clear of the table.
- Yes.
65
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,900
Yeah, well, I should probably save my energy
66
00:02:29,002 --> 00:02:30,602
for my performance tonight anyway.
67
00:02:30,704 --> 00:02:33,271
Oh, darn.
Gloria and I have tickets to, um...
68
00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:34,906
Um...
69
00:02:35,008 --> 00:02:36,808
Don't worry, Jay. It's... It's not for you.
70
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:38,543
Oh, good. I didn't know
where I was going with that.
71
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:41,212
Tonight is a fundraiser at Lily's school.
72
00:02:41,314 --> 00:02:43,181
We're, you know, raising money for the kids.
73
00:02:43,283 --> 00:02:45,216
A night of song and sketch.
74
00:02:45,318 --> 00:02:47,585
All the dads are performing. Well...
75
00:02:47,687 --> 00:02:48,586
most of the dads.
76
00:02:48,688 --> 00:02:49,587
Proud of you, son.
77
00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:51,089
Ah, it's not a complete victory.
78
00:02:51,191 --> 00:02:53,124
I still have to watch it, so...
79
00:02:53,226 --> 00:02:54,692
- Thanks for breakfast, Dad.
- Hey,
80
00:02:54,794 --> 00:02:56,561
I love spending time with you two!
81
00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:59,497
Every month I've gotta burn
off a minimum at the club,
82
00:02:59,599 --> 00:03:02,166
and literally,
everybody else I knew was busy.
83
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:04,302
That's also why I give a
lot of birthday presents
84
00:03:04,404 --> 00:03:08,248
from the pro-shop. You know,
mugs and visors that say "Kiss My Putter,"
85
00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:09,674
"Talk Birdie To Me."
86
00:03:09,776 --> 00:03:13,019
Quality items. Everybody wins.
87
00:03:13,121 --> 00:03:16,089
So, if you're not rushed,
you should treat yourself to our spa.
88
00:03:16,191 --> 00:03:18,358
You know, get a couple of, uh...
89
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:20,660
a couple of standard treatments.
90
00:03:20,762 --> 00:03:22,929
Oh, well, you're so generous.
91
00:03:23,031 --> 00:03:25,198
Might I say you look very handsome
92
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,166
in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.
93
00:03:27,269 --> 00:03:30,003
They also make it
in "Queen's coral"... oh, no.
94
00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:32,005
- Did I spoil your birthday?
- Sounds like you might.
95
00:03:33,642 --> 00:03:34,563
Oh.
96
00:03:35,644 --> 00:03:37,176
- What's so funny?
- Oh, it's just that
97
00:03:37,279 --> 00:03:38,845
I've been e-mailing this mom at school.
98
00:03:38,947 --> 00:03:40,380
We both volunteer together.
99
00:03:40,482 --> 00:03:42,782
- You... You e-mail?
- It's harmless. Listen.
100
00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:45,952
"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing
around the planetarium with you.
101
00:03:46,054 --> 00:03:47,787
Your jokes were out of this world."
102
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:50,056
Hm, okay. So, if it's so harmless,
103
00:03:50,158 --> 00:03:52,625
I'm sure Gloria knows about
this flirty quipstress.
104
00:03:52,727 --> 00:03:54,627
Don't make something out of this.
105
00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:55,862
Oh, my God. Oh!
106
00:03:55,964 --> 00:03:57,196
That's why he's wearing the shirt.
107
00:03:57,575 --> 00:03:59,732
Because it makes your blue eyes pop.
108
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:02,268
I'm not letting you magpies dirty this up.
109
00:04:02,905 --> 00:04:04,370
Oh, uh...
110
00:04:04,472 --> 00:04:07,207
"Park by the swings
so I can help you carry stuff in."
111
00:04:07,375 --> 00:04:10,677
"Park by the swings
so I can help you carry stuff in."
112
00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,645
You're sullying this, and I'm leaving!
113
00:04:12,714 --> 00:04:14,614
- Okay, well, say "hi" to your girlfriend.
- She's not my girlfriend.
114
00:04:14,683 --> 00:04:15,882
The only reason we're paired together
115
00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:17,283
is because our kids are
in the same reading group.
116
00:04:17,385 --> 00:04:18,584
Oo-ooh!
117
00:04:18,687 --> 00:04:20,153
Damn it!
118
00:04:20,221 --> 00:04:21,312
I love when we "ooh."
119
00:04:21,381 --> 00:04:23,514
We used to do that all the time,
and then we stopped.
120
00:04:23,616 --> 00:04:25,224
- Why?
- I don't know.
121
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:29,028
Joe!
122
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:30,897
Why did I find your eye patch
123
00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,899
- in the garbage?
- I don't know.
124
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:35,168
Were you throwing away
another parking ticket?
125
00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:36,636
Okay, you have to put it on.
126
00:04:36,705 --> 00:04:38,938
Why? My lazy eye is fixed.
127
00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:41,074
Okay, I'm over here,
128
00:04:41,176 --> 00:04:43,209
and it's only one more week.
129
00:04:43,311 --> 00:04:44,711
And you look tough,
130
00:04:44,779 --> 00:04:46,646
like a little warlord.
131
00:04:47,118 --> 00:04:48,348
Oh, that's Liam's mom.
132
00:04:48,416 --> 00:04:49,849
See you after school.
133
00:04:49,951 --> 00:04:51,851
Okay, papi, but promise me
134
00:04:51,953 --> 00:04:54,287
that you're going to wear the eye patch
135
00:04:54,356 --> 00:04:56,656
- the whole day.
- I will.
136
00:04:59,494 --> 00:05:01,494
I can't believe you don't trust me.
137
00:05:01,563 --> 00:05:02,762
Two days ago,
138
00:05:02,864 --> 00:05:06,699
I caught you trying to copy
a $20 bill in the printer.
139
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:09,235
Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV
140
00:05:09,304 --> 00:05:11,070
when I start making my own money.
141
00:05:11,172 --> 00:05:13,239
Go to school.
142
00:05:13,836 --> 00:05:16,209
If you guys are ready,
me and Julio will get started.
143
00:05:16,277 --> 00:05:18,344
Oh, by any chance,
did you guys meet down by the schoolyard?
144
00:05:18,413 --> 00:05:20,747
- ♪ Me... ♪
- No... No. Okay.
145
00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:23,249
Ohh.
146
00:05:23,318 --> 00:05:24,917
Oh, that's the spot.
147
00:05:24,986 --> 00:05:27,120
Ohhh, yeah.
148
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,889
Oo-o-ooh!
149
00:05:29,958 --> 00:05:34,227
Now I'm remembering why we haven't had
a couples massage since our honeymoon.
150
00:05:34,329 --> 00:05:35,762
Aruba.
151
00:05:35,864 --> 00:05:37,130
That's not where we went.
152
00:05:37,232 --> 00:05:38,965
That's the noise he made.
153
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:41,567
Arrruuuubaaaa.
154
00:05:41,636 --> 00:05:42,969
Cam, could you just...
155
00:05:43,071 --> 00:05:45,430
just... shh.
156
00:05:45,498 --> 00:05:46,931
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
157
00:05:48,242 --> 00:05:50,134
Ohh, yeah.
158
00:05:50,236 --> 00:05:51,269
Oh, yeah.
159
00:05:51,371 --> 00:05:52,703
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
160
00:05:52,772 --> 00:05:53,938
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call it.
161
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,339
- Mm?
- Mm-hmm. Nope.
162
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:57,041
What happened? Was he forward?
163
00:05:57,143 --> 00:05:59,477
No, I just can't relax with
you making these noises.
164
00:05:59,579 --> 00:06:01,521
Well, I can't relax
without making the noises.
165
00:06:01,623 --> 00:06:03,514
Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio,
166
00:06:03,616 --> 00:06:05,116
and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.
167
00:06:05,218 --> 00:06:06,284
It's Aweema-weh.
168
00:06:06,386 --> 00:06:07,919
Good luck to you both. Okay.
169
00:06:11,388 --> 00:06:13,121
Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.
170
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:14,722
Hey, Mom. Everything all right?
171
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,558
Of course. I just felt like making a stop
172
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,427
by the hallowed halls of community college.
173
00:06:19,529 --> 00:06:20,929
What's with the police tape?
174
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:22,630
Oh, some frat guys decided
175
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,432
to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.
176
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,634
Okay. Well, anyhoo,
177
00:06:26,703 --> 00:06:27,827
since we're here,
178
00:06:27,896 --> 00:06:29,362
before you drop that history class,
179
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:32,098
could you possibly turn
in an old paper of mine?
180
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:34,033
I would love to get a second opinion on it.
181
00:06:34,135 --> 00:06:35,134
Sure,
182
00:06:35,203 --> 00:06:36,936
but you know you just did something weird
183
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:38,872
and I didn't ask a single
follow-up question?
184
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:39,839
Yeah.
185
00:06:39,908 --> 00:06:41,082
You owe me one of those.
186
00:06:42,085 --> 00:06:43,952
How'd you even get an old
paper on a thumb drive?
187
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:45,687
It was easy.
188
00:06:45,789 --> 00:06:47,155
Ish.
189
00:06:47,224 --> 00:06:50,058
The old paper was on an old format,
190
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,259
but it was a simple matter
191
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,261
of stringing a couple
of old machines together
192
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,762
to get what I needed.
193
00:06:54,864 --> 00:06:55,830
All right.
194
00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:59,634
Yes, I have been accused of having a
little problem with perfectionism...
195
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:01,102
♪ It's working ♪
196
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:04,239
...but I also have a little
problem with injustice,
197
00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:07,508
much as a certain U.S.
President had a little problem
198
00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:09,344
- with European Imperialism.
- Yes!
199
00:07:09,412 --> 00:07:11,512
Of course when a man does it,
it becomes a doctrine.
200
00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:12,914
And when a woman does it,
201
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,549
she's hysterical.
202
00:07:15,021 --> 00:07:17,585
I hope you guys like counting 'crows.
203
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,187
Es-crows, that is.
204
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,457
It had become a familiar sound...
205
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:26,119
my 18 devoted students laughing as one.
206
00:07:26,187 --> 00:07:27,996
Only something was different this time.
207
00:07:28,098 --> 00:07:30,223
It sounded like 17.
208
00:07:30,292 --> 00:07:34,102
Could it be that I had
a wobbler in my midst?
209
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:37,739
Sure enough, Paige Stevens was
going through the course catalog.
210
00:07:37,807 --> 00:07:40,475
If I lost her,
I'd be below my minimum and lose the class.
211
00:07:40,577 --> 00:07:42,201
For the sake of those 17 dreamers,
212
00:07:42,270 --> 00:07:45,747
I had no choice but to
unleash the Dunphy charm.
213
00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:47,915
- Paige Stevens.
- Present.
214
00:07:48,018 --> 00:07:50,018
Oh, we already did that part,
and you nailed it.
215
00:07:50,086 --> 00:07:52,420
I read your essay last night.
216
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,489
Whom did you study privately with?
217
00:07:54,591 --> 00:07:56,991
- I'm sorry?
- Come, now, Paige.
218
00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:59,127
Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular.
219
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,328
W-Was it Freemont?
220
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,896
Or perhaps one of the Europeans?
221
00:08:01,965 --> 00:08:03,097
Scharfenbrugen?
222
00:08:03,158 --> 00:08:04,832
- No.
- Oh, of course not.
223
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,502
He lives as a recluse.
He hasn't taken students in years.
224
00:08:08,295 --> 00:08:10,872
I'm simply saying
that your raw instincts
225
00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:12,440
may be the best thing
to happen to real estate
226
00:08:12,509 --> 00:08:15,677
since the allowing of
split commissions in 1994.
227
00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:16,811
Didn't you tell us it was...
228
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,680
Can we for one moment
229
00:08:18,782 --> 00:08:21,282
have a break from the Serge show?!
230
00:08:23,787 --> 00:08:26,587
Just promise me that in a few short years
231
00:08:26,656 --> 00:08:29,324
when you become the next Fred Dunham,
232
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,425
that you'll come visit us?
233
00:08:30,851 --> 00:08:31,893
Do you really think...
234
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,027
I don't think.
235
00:08:33,129 --> 00:08:34,462
I know.
236
00:08:35,999 --> 00:08:37,932
From there, it was a bit of flattery,
237
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:39,634
a dash of encouragement,
238
00:08:39,703 --> 00:08:42,370
and Paige was turned.
239
00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:46,007
So, if I could paraphrase what
our star pupil just pointed out,
240
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:47,608
sometimes it's just a matter
241
00:08:47,677 --> 00:08:50,778
of finding the "dupe" in "duplex."
242
00:08:51,327 --> 00:08:52,780
And there it was again,
243
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:54,349
that sweet music...
244
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,818
18 people laughing.
245
00:08:56,886 --> 00:08:58,720
I'll see you all next week.
246
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,054
Definitely.
247
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,290
Oh, and I am holding
office hours at my house,
248
00:09:02,392 --> 00:09:03,991
so feel free to come by any time.
249
00:09:04,094 --> 00:09:05,927
Oh, cool.
250
00:09:06,029 --> 00:09:07,061
Oh, you...
251
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:08,329
Uh, Paige.
252
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:13,267
"Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?
253
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,268
Curses.
254
00:09:14,337 --> 00:09:17,271
I'd over-wooed my wobbler.
255
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,341
Oh, hey.
256
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:21,743
Are we still on for dinner tonight?
257
00:09:21,845 --> 00:09:23,010
Yeah, I can probably get us in
258
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:24,912
to the late seating at my
grandpa's country club.
259
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,514
Can you hold off 'til 6:30?
260
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:27,882
Actually, I thought
261
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,784
maybe I could come over and cook for you.
262
00:09:29,886 --> 00:09:30,885
Awesome.
263
00:09:32,522 --> 00:09:34,589
Hey, there's my favorite class dad!
264
00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:35,556
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
265
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,858
Tie my apron, will you?
266
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,192
My pleasure.
267
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:40,328
Uh, not my... not my pleasure, of course.
268
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:41,763
That sounds weird,
269
00:09:41,865 --> 00:09:43,064
and I'm not a weird man.
270
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,766
Mitch and Cam got in my head.
271
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,369
I'd had a perfectly innocent
relationship with the fun mom,
272
00:09:48,471 --> 00:09:50,204
but then they got me feeling all guilty.
273
00:09:50,273 --> 00:09:52,407
Suddenly I couldn't mention
one thing in that school
274
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,367
without it sounding like a double entendre.
275
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,843
Nap time?
276
00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:58,312
Fun zone?
277
00:09:58,381 --> 00:09:59,839
Juice box...
278
00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:01,874
I got some nice tomatoes.
279
00:10:04,345 --> 00:10:06,679
Oh, yep.
280
00:10:06,781 --> 00:10:08,147
- Did you spill something?
- Huh? No.
281
00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:09,916
I'm just working hard on this pizza.
282
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,418
Guess I ought to take this off.
283
00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:14,420
Boy, feels naked without it.
284
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:15,988
You ever feel that way? Naked?
285
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:22,128
I really wanted to trust that
Joe was wearing his eye patch,
286
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,363
but after finding it in the garbage,
287
00:10:24,432 --> 00:10:25,865
I had to make sure.
288
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,968
I didn't want him to mess up his vision.
289
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:31,637
I think it's a big problem in this country.
290
00:10:31,739 --> 00:10:35,108
Everywhere I look,
there are men with googily eyes.
291
00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:38,411
Let's take a selfie for the
school newsletter, so...
292
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,746
Flash those baby blues.
293
00:10:47,388 --> 00:10:48,588
Did you preheat my oven?
294
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,922
Not on purpose.
295
00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:55,428
Well, that was quite
a little snitfit back there.
296
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,163
Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?
297
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,439
Mm, is that even possible?
298
00:10:58,533 --> 00:10:59,640
The singing in the restaurants,
299
00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:01,676
your Herbal Essence
audition during the massage?
300
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,744
You know, you're the one
who should be embarrassed.
301
00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:05,746
I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?
302
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:09,550
Look at you. You can't even put on your
boxer-briefs in a men's locker room
303
00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,085
without your little terrycloth shame skirt.
304
00:11:11,154 --> 00:11:12,820
It's called modesty, Cam.
305
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,222
Can you please just keep your voice down?
306
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:17,024
Yeah, yeah. You know what?
Well, it's all part of the same thing.
307
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:18,993
You know, I'm not embarrassing.
308
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,795
You're the one that's just
embarrassed by everything.
309
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,029
That is crazy...
310
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:23,164
Ow.
311
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,867
- This seems worth it.
- I'm fine.
312
00:11:25,969 --> 00:11:28,035
No, you're not,
and it's affecting all of us.
313
00:11:28,137 --> 00:11:30,004
You're constantly shushing Lily and me,
314
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,273
scolding us just for living out loud.
315
00:11:32,375 --> 00:11:34,008
Can we please have this conversation later?
316
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,844
No, we can't, because I'll be busy
performing in Fathers' Follies...
317
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,813
something else you're
too self-conscious to do.
318
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:41,082
You're missing out on life, Mitchell.
319
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,184
You need to take off your shackles.
320
00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:45,887
Let people see
321
00:11:45,989 --> 00:11:47,288
who you are.
322
00:11:53,444 --> 00:11:57,398
I've had enough...
the wandering eye, the lies.
323
00:11:57,466 --> 00:12:00,501
Why was I so nervous?
I had done nothing wrong.
324
00:12:00,569 --> 00:12:03,404
Sure, I engaged
in some friendly e-mail banter.
325
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,573
I guess I realized blue
shirts make my eyes sparkle.
326
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,275
Might have done a few
push-ups in the parking lot
327
00:12:08,344 --> 00:12:10,978
before the pizza party,
but that's for everybody.
328
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:12,946
He's trying to make a fool of me.
329
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:14,782
Sonia, I have to go.
330
00:12:17,019 --> 00:12:18,752
Where have you been all day?
331
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,487
I see what you're implying. Fine.
332
00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:22,823
Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me,
333
00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:24,892
and the only reason my wedding ring is off
334
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,561
is 'cause I was afraid I
would lose it in her dough.
335
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:28,796
I'm sorry.
336
00:12:28,864 --> 00:12:30,397
What the hell are you talking about?
337
00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:32,533
Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.
338
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:37,471
"Park by the swings so I can
help you carry stuff in."
339
00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:38,706
These are what you're worrying about?
340
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:39,673
There's nothing there.
341
00:12:39,775 --> 00:12:42,342
Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying
there was something weird going on.
342
00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:43,410
That's crazy.
343
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:44,812
She's, like, 35 and gorgeous.
344
00:12:44,914 --> 00:12:46,313
Exactly.
345
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:49,049
Although, I don't think you read that e-mail
346
00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:50,250
the only way it could have been read.
347
00:12:50,319 --> 00:12:51,552
I mean, it could've gone,
348
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:52,653
"Park by the swings
349
00:12:52,722 --> 00:12:54,054
so I can help you
350
00:12:54,156 --> 00:12:56,390
carry stuff in."
351
00:12:56,459 --> 00:12:58,692
Sounds like she knows about your bad back.
352
00:12:58,761 --> 00:13:01,662
Jay, there's no harm in a little flirting,
353
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,564
- especially you.
- What is that supposed to mean?
354
00:13:03,632 --> 00:13:06,834
You're a good man.
You have, like, a built-in alarm system.
355
00:13:06,902 --> 00:13:08,702
It keeps you in the right path.
356
00:13:08,804 --> 00:13:10,270
Then why did you shoot
me that look at school?
357
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,905
It was meant for Joe.
358
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:15,375
I worry that he doesn't
have your strong conscience.
359
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:17,544
I worry that he has my family genes
360
00:13:17,646 --> 00:13:20,180
where we can lie and lie and lie and lie
361
00:13:20,249 --> 00:13:22,416
without feeling one ounce of guilt.
362
00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:24,184
Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?
363
00:13:24,253 --> 00:13:25,586
Never.
364
00:13:29,091 --> 00:13:31,225
Here he is now. I'll bet he comes in here
365
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:32,993
and apologizes for lying.
366
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,162
Yeah, if he's like one from your family.
367
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,631
But if he walks in here all easy-breezy
368
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,067
pretending that he didn't do anything wrong,
369
00:13:40,169 --> 00:13:42,302
he's 100% Ramirez,
370
00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,004
or whatever our real name is.
371
00:13:46,142 --> 00:13:47,708
Hey, buddy.
372
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,643
I'm sorry, okay?!
373
00:13:49,712 --> 00:13:51,645
I lied about wearing my eye patch,
374
00:13:51,714 --> 00:13:53,480
and that's only the beginning!
375
00:13:53,549 --> 00:13:55,482
I lied about how my bike broke.
376
00:13:55,551 --> 00:13:57,084
I never walk Stella.
377
00:13:57,153 --> 00:13:58,786
I tie her to the treadmill.
378
00:13:58,854 --> 00:14:00,621
The last three teeth I put under my pillow
379
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:01,722
were Tic-Tacs.
380
00:14:01,824 --> 00:14:03,423
I'm a terrible boy.
381
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:04,658
Oh, good.
382
00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:06,293
He's weak like you.
383
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,264
Thank you, Tiffany's dad!
384
00:14:10,332 --> 00:14:12,633
And now, please put your hands together
385
00:14:12,735 --> 00:14:15,569
for Lily, Harper, Zack,
and Danielle's dads...
386
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:17,437
The Bees Knees!
387
00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:24,077
Go, Dad! Woot, woot!
388
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,313
I was the only dad in the audience.
389
00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:28,782
It was just me and a bunch
of women and children.
390
00:14:28,851 --> 00:14:30,984
I felt like a coward on a life boat.
391
00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:33,187
I mean, Cam was right...
I-I was missing out.
392
00:14:33,255 --> 00:14:35,556
Hey, Bob. A quick favor to ask.
393
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,090
If you don't think Harper would mind,
394
00:14:37,159 --> 00:14:39,059
do you think maybe I could
wear the bee costume?
395
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,061
Take it. I'm in the show later anyways,
396
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,230
- playing bass with the Grateful Dads.
- Oh.
397
00:14:43,332 --> 00:14:44,498
Then good, yeah.
398
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:53,674
Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you!
399
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,150
Thank you. Thank you!
400
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:07,321
And now we'd like to take a moment
to remember our beloved lunch lady,
401
00:15:07,389 --> 00:15:08,622
Mrs. Penny Miller.
402
00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:13,393
Oh, my gosh.
403
00:15:13,462 --> 00:15:14,828
I can't believe you did that!
404
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:17,664
- That was amazing!
- Oh, stop it.
405
00:15:17,766 --> 00:15:18,832
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
406
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:21,101
Whoa! No!
407
00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,572
Oh, God.
408
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,507
Did we learn nothing from the gloves?!
409
00:15:29,278 --> 00:15:31,478
Sorry. No.
410
00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:32,512
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I got it. I got it.
411
00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:34,348
I got it. I got it. I got it.
412
00:15:35,918 --> 00:15:37,084
For starters,
413
00:15:37,152 --> 00:15:38,785
my grandmother's ravioli.
414
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,020
It looks amazing.
415
00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:41,889
I've been saving some
occasion wine in my room.
416
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:43,790
The grape character on the box is saying
"Mamma Mia!"
417
00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:45,525
so it should go well with Italian.
418
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:53,634
Hello, Professor.
419
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,136
I, uh...
420
00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,906
I see you took me up on that
open-door policy I mentioned.
421
00:15:58,974 --> 00:16:01,775
Oh, I'm not here for office hours.
422
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,177
- This is a date.
- Of course.
423
00:16:04,246 --> 00:16:06,046
I've heard things like this
happened to Paul McCartney
424
00:16:06,148 --> 00:16:07,214
at the height of his Beatles fame.
425
00:16:07,316 --> 00:16:09,583
It was a classic fatal-attraction situation.
426
00:16:09,652 --> 00:16:10,684
I had to do two things.
427
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:12,286
One... get through the next 10 minutes
428
00:16:12,354 --> 00:16:14,154
'til the deadline to
drop my class had passed
429
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,123
by distracting her with light banter
430
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,725
and enjoying her Tuscan cooking, and, two...
431
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,762
check to see if she had
beaten and restrained Claire.
432
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:25,265
I'm not coming on too strongly,
am I, with this dress?
433
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,034
Oh. No.
434
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:29,036
Lovely.
435
00:16:29,104 --> 00:16:31,438
I'm really nervous about my cooking.
436
00:16:31,507 --> 00:16:34,574
If a guy doesn't eat every
bite of my grandma's ravioli,
437
00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:35,943
I go nuts.
438
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,845
Well, we certainly...
439
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,147
don't want that to happen, do we?
440
00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:43,650
Now, uh...
441
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,218
where are you from?
442
00:16:45,321 --> 00:16:46,453
Originally.
443
00:16:46,555 --> 00:16:47,754
I would say Italy,
444
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,122
but there's no accent,
445
00:16:49,191 --> 00:16:50,891
so, obviously, that's not the case.
446
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:52,960
Oh, Luke, Luke.
447
00:16:53,028 --> 00:16:55,195
Luke, any word on my Monroe Doctrine paper?
448
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,998
Oh, actually,
I decided not to drop that class,
449
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,599
- so it didn't feel right turning it in.
- Huh.
450
00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:00,734
But something funny did happen.
451
00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,069
I had your paper open on my computer.
452
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:03,637
Paige saw it and thought it was mine.
453
00:17:03,706 --> 00:17:05,138
She made some really good changes.
454
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:06,740
- Changes?
- Yeah, well,
455
00:17:06,809 --> 00:17:08,241
she cut to the chase in a few places,
456
00:17:08,344 --> 00:17:09,476
cleaned up the ending.
457
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:10,811
She's a history major, you know.
458
00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:12,879
- Get it.
- Mom, I'm...
459
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:14,281
kind of in the middle of a dinner date.
460
00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:15,649
Are you? By now you might be
461
00:17:15,718 --> 00:17:17,050
in the middle of a movie or a board game.
462
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,719
We all know how obsessed
she is with changing things.
463
00:17:18,821 --> 00:17:20,020
Go get the paper, Luke.
464
00:17:22,411 --> 00:17:23,991
Oh, good, you're okay.
465
00:17:24,093 --> 00:17:25,525
I'm not that okay.
466
00:17:25,594 --> 00:17:27,527
I'm not a fan of this Paige.
467
00:17:27,596 --> 00:17:29,162
- She's got some nerve.
- So you're aware.
468
00:17:29,231 --> 00:17:30,931
Oh, I'm aware.
I'm aware that she has no problem
469
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,600
putting her grubby, little paws all over
something that doesn't belong to her.
470
00:17:33,669 --> 00:17:35,669
- I can see you're upset.
- I am.
471
00:17:35,738 --> 00:17:39,773
I'm upset because I basically took
the most boring thing in history
472
00:17:39,842 --> 00:17:41,475
and made it interesting.
473
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:43,477
She thinks she can just come
in here and just make it hers.
474
00:17:43,579 --> 00:17:44,845
- No.
- Feels a little hurtful,
475
00:17:44,913 --> 00:17:47,214
but she is my student,
and I have a lot at stake here,
476
00:17:47,282 --> 00:17:49,397
so can I please just handle this myself?
477
00:17:51,954 --> 00:17:54,221
You didn't miss much with the ravioli.
478
00:17:54,289 --> 00:17:56,390
The showstopper is my branzino.
479
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,524
It smells great.
480
00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:58,725
We don't get to have fish around here.
481
00:17:58,827 --> 00:17:59,793
My dad hates it.
482
00:17:59,862 --> 00:18:01,395
Well, this one's a family recipe,
483
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,629
so if you don't like it,
484
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:05,032
I'll pretty much have to drop you.
485
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,800
Well...
486
00:18:06,902 --> 00:18:08,068
let's not have
487
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:09,603
any of that
488
00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:11,405
crazy... talk.
489
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,173
Two minutes to deadline.
490
00:18:13,242 --> 00:18:15,275
I couldn't let her drop my class!
491
00:18:17,312 --> 00:18:18,499
Now
492
00:18:18,881 --> 00:18:19,967
...back...
493
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,383
...to where you're from.
494
00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:24,818
Encino.
495
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:25,927
Oh.
496
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,888
Damn it.
497
00:18:27,956 --> 00:18:29,423
Mom, don't be mad at her. She was just...
498
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,924
No, she made it better.
499
00:18:30,993 --> 00:18:32,793
What was I thinking with this sentence?
500
00:18:32,861 --> 00:18:35,429
"The esteemed barrister's
argument was as layered
501
00:18:35,497 --> 00:18:37,964
as the cuffs on his after-dinner breeches"?
502
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,167
That is the third time I mentioned breeches.
503
00:18:40,269 --> 00:18:41,301
What was I going through?
504
00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:43,670
- Can I go now?
- Yeah.
505
00:18:43,772 --> 00:18:45,372
Oh, wait, honey.
506
00:18:45,474 --> 00:18:47,340
I like this girl for you.
507
00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:49,342
She deserves better than boxed wine.
508
00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:51,078
Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.
509
00:18:54,382 --> 00:18:56,650
You really seemed to like that.
510
00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,019
- Oh, yeah.
- I could make another one,
511
00:18:59,121 --> 00:19:00,420
but it would take a while.
512
00:19:00,489 --> 00:19:01,888
Let's see. It's 7:00 now...
513
00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:04,057
Oh, thank God.
514
00:19:04,159 --> 00:19:06,359
Paige, we have to talk.
515
00:19:06,428 --> 00:19:08,762
I-I may have sent some
signals I didn't mean to send.
516
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,497
Nonetheless, some of your behavior
517
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,699
has been a little inappropriate, frankly,
518
00:19:12,768 --> 00:19:14,501
kind of disrespectful to my wife.
519
00:19:14,603 --> 00:19:15,969
Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on.
520
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,270
I changed my mind about that.
521
00:19:17,372 --> 00:19:19,172
I am not mad at you.
522
00:19:19,274 --> 00:19:20,841
All you did was take an
interest in something
523
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,343
that I should have dropped 25 years ago.
524
00:19:23,445 --> 00:19:25,512
- Um, Claire.
- And can I say something else?
525
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,447
I'm all in favor of this relationship.
526
00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:29,216
- Claire?
- I don't want to jinx it,
527
00:19:29,318 --> 00:19:32,853
but I think you could be
exactly what he needs.
528
00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:35,522
I know, he may look like a man,
529
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,757
but, honestly, in a lot of ways,
he's still just a little boy.
530
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,460
Complete mess in the bedroom.
531
00:19:40,562 --> 00:19:42,596
Although, here's a tip for you.
532
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:45,665
He actually does respond well
if you stay on top of him.
533
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:48,034
- So, you're okay with...
- Absolutely.
534
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,270
As a certain U.S. president once said,
535
00:19:50,372 --> 00:19:52,739
"Let the era of good feelings commence."
536
00:19:52,841 --> 00:19:55,175
Oh, my God! This is the best day ever!
537
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,376
Oh!
538
00:19:56,478 --> 00:19:57,878
Huh.
539
00:19:57,980 --> 00:19:59,212
Huh.
540
00:19:59,314 --> 00:20:01,915
So, it turns out Paige was
only making dinner for me
541
00:20:02,017 --> 00:20:03,683
so she could get close to my dad.
542
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,285
I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone
543
00:20:05,387 --> 00:20:06,419
about the Dunphy charm.
544
00:20:06,522 --> 00:20:07,954
It's also a little interesting
545
00:20:08,056 --> 00:20:10,056
that Paige's Realtor
dad abandoned the family
546
00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,992
- when she was 12.
- Seems irrelevant.
547
00:20:12,094 --> 00:20:13,460
He also dabbled in magic.
548
00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:15,795
Now we're just having two
separate conversations.
549
00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:17,864
Did you know her last
three boyfriends were 50?
550
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,366
Maybe spend a little
less time with your nose
551
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,835
in that psych book and a
little more time being sexy.
552
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,986
Ah, ah, ah. You'll get this
back when your homework is done.
553
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:29,225
Joe, what is this?
554
00:20:29,327 --> 00:20:30,860
Just some notes from my friend Hannah.
555
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:32,962
Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that.
556
00:20:33,064 --> 00:20:34,230
This is very flirty.
557
00:20:34,332 --> 00:20:35,898
Let me see that.
558
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,467
"Dear, Joe,
want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"
559
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,036
Well, this is just kids being kids.
560
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:41,637
Ay, don't be a fool.
561
00:20:41,739 --> 00:20:44,974
"Dear Joe,
wanna share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"
562
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:46,342
That's a different spin on it.
563
00:20:46,444 --> 00:20:47,510
Where's that voice been?
564
00:20:47,612 --> 00:20:48,544
Try this one.
565
00:20:48,646 --> 00:20:51,314
"It was so fun running at recess."
566
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:55,484
"Randy's rash is really gross."
567
00:20:55,586 --> 00:20:56,752
Maybe we should go upstairs.
568
00:20:56,854 --> 00:20:58,287
Watch your movie, Joe.
569
00:21:02,809 --> 00:21:04,885
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