1 00:00:01,198 --> 00:00:03,101 Oh, my God. * 2 00:00:03,102 --> 00:00:04,802 [ laughing ] I know, right? 3 00:00:04,820 --> 00:00:06,688 What? 4 00:00:06,739 --> 00:00:09,140 Dad just wrote another classic one. Tell her. Oh! 5 00:00:09,158 --> 00:00:11,860 I don't know about "classic," but here we go. 6 00:00:11,911 --> 00:00:15,080 "if you're looking for a two-story house, I'm your man. 7 00:00:15,114 --> 00:00:18,116 "I'll tell you one story before you buy it 8 00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:20,985 And then another story after." 9 00:00:21,003 --> 00:00:22,871 Luke: No, you didn't! 10 00:00:22,922 --> 00:00:25,373 [ both laugh ] 11 00:00:25,424 --> 00:00:27,825 Tonight is the s.C.A.R.B. 12 00:00:27,843 --> 00:00:30,195 The southern california annual realtor's banquet. 13 00:00:30,229 --> 00:00:31,763 I think they know what it is. 14 00:00:31,797 --> 00:00:32,764 Mm-hmm. 15 00:00:32,798 --> 00:00:34,265 It's the mother of all 16 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,551 Residential-real-estate banquets. 17 00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:39,187 Now, for the last five years, gil thorpe has hosted, 18 00:00:39,221 --> 00:00:40,538 But as luck would have it, 19 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:42,841 He's having a sketchy-looking polyp remove 20 00:00:42,875 --> 00:00:46,578 So they've asked me to..."phil in." 21 00:00:48,898 --> 00:00:50,448 [ laughing ] see what I did? Oh, yeah. 22 00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:52,016 "phil." you think I should open with that? 23 00:00:52,034 --> 00:00:54,119 You betcha. You should. 24 00:00:54,153 --> 00:00:55,320 [ both laugh ] 25 00:00:55,354 --> 00:00:56,855 Phil is gonna bomb. 26 00:00:56,889 --> 00:01:00,058 It's not that he's not fun. He is so fun. 27 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:01,376 He's just not funny. 28 00:01:01,410 --> 00:01:02,894 It's probably my fault, 29 00:01:02,928 --> 00:01:05,246 Because I laugh at all of his jokes. 30 00:01:05,297 --> 00:01:07,298 With my mout-- 31 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,667 Not with my eyes. 32 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:12,937 "I see the great realtor margaret wilson is here, 33 00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:16,007 "looking more curvaceous than ever. 34 00:01:16,041 --> 00:01:19,427 Talk about your balloon payments." 35 00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:23,848 [ both laugh ] 36 00:01:23,882 --> 00:01:26,067 Jay: Gloria, do we have to keep 37 00:01:26,101 --> 00:01:27,652 This colombia/brazil soccer game? 38 00:01:27,686 --> 00:01:29,020 Yes, I haven't seen it yet. 39 00:01:29,054 --> 00:01:30,939 It's been sitting in there for five months. 40 00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:32,490 I mean, I can tell you who wins. 41 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:33,775 Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! 42 00:01:33,826 --> 00:01:36,227 And what about this two-hour "antiques roadshow"? 43 00:01:36,245 --> 00:01:37,579 I'll watch it today. 44 00:01:37,613 --> 00:01:39,531 Fine. I'm gonna play some golf. 45 00:01:39,565 --> 00:01:42,283 No. What about mirabel's daughter's quinceañera? 46 00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:44,969 I honestly didn't get any of that. 47 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:47,138 Mirabel. She works for you. 48 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:48,739 Okay. 49 00:01:48,757 --> 00:01:51,809 Her daughter, rosalba, is celebrang her quinceañera, 50 00:01:51,844 --> 00:01:53,178 Her 15th birthday. 51 00:01:53,212 --> 00:01:55,930 She invited us. You just going to ignore it. 52 00:01:55,965 --> 00:01:57,715 Of course not. I get this all the time. 53 00:01:57,750 --> 00:01:59,284 I throw it on my secretary's desk, 54 00:01:59,318 --> 00:02:01,586 And she sends them an omaha steak. 55 00:02:01,604 --> 00:02:04,189 Ay, jay. What?! 56 00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:05,923 Manny's right. 57 00:02:05,941 --> 00:02:09,561 The quinceañera is very important in the latin culture. 58 00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:13,164 The moment the father dances with his little princess. 59 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:17,569 Ay, I remember my own father holding my hand. 60 00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:20,455 There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel. 61 00:02:20,489 --> 00:02:22,574 But these people don't want me there. 62 00:02:22,608 --> 00:02:24,325 See, they're just being polite. 63 00:02:24,376 --> 00:02:25,627 I'm the boss. 64 00:02:25,661 --> 00:02:28,129 That's what you tell yourself so you can stay above them. 65 00:02:28,163 --> 00:02:31,165 You just throw them an "obama" steak and run to the golf course. 66 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,917 I'm not trying to stay above them. 67 00:02:32,951 --> 00:02:35,787 I just don't think I have to go all "arriba, arriba" with them. 68 00:02:35,821 --> 00:02:37,922 Because you're better than them? No, of coue not. 69 00:02:37,956 --> 00:02:39,790 I mean, I'm better than some of them. 70 00:02:39,808 --> 00:02:41,759 Do you even know these people, jay, hmm? 71 00:02:41,793 --> 00:02:44,662 Or they're just the backs you step on? 72 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:46,531 I know you like to make me out as an elitist, 73 00:02:46,565 --> 00:02:48,466 But the truth is, I'm close with these people. 74 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,735 Then prove it. Just go to the party. 75 00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:53,655 Fine. One hour. You drive. 76 00:02:53,689 --> 00:02:56,608 'cause I don't want to give my valet ticket to the wrong guy, 77 00:02:56,642 --> 00:02:57,859 Have you all over me. 78 00:02:57,910 --> 00:02:59,494 Ay, jay. 79 00:02:59,528 --> 00:03:01,479 Where do you keep popping out from?! 80 00:03:01,513 --> 00:03:04,165 So, cam has started working out again, 81 00:03:04,199 --> 00:03:06,484 Which is -- it's -- it's great. 82 00:03:06,502 --> 00:03:10,121 He's feeling good about himself, and I want him to be healthy, 83 00:03:10,155 --> 00:03:11,289 So it is all good. 84 00:03:11,323 --> 00:03:12,957 Except for one thing. 85 00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:14,042 Knock, knock. 86 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:16,177 Look who's there. 87 00:03:16,211 --> 00:03:17,462 [ sighs ] 88 00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:19,597 Maybe there's a person in this world 89 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,266 Who looks good in bike shorts, 90 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,018 But my boyfriend is not that person. 91 00:03:24,053 --> 00:03:28,206 And I-I can't tell him because he gets incredibly sensitive 92 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,392 About even the tiniest comment concerning his physique. 93 00:03:31,443 --> 00:03:33,811 Hey, I think I'm gonna take this spin class 94 00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:34,812 Tomorrow morning. 95 00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:35,846 Oh, sure. 96 00:03:35,864 --> 00:03:38,883 Oh, I get it. Message received. 97 00:03:46,525 --> 00:03:48,393 I didn't say anything! 98 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,041 -- Sync by Rafael UPD -- www.addic7ed.com/ 99 00:04:07,062 --> 00:04:10,181 Okay, can't you just run like a normal person? 100 00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:11,349 What? It's troga. 101 00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:12,350 It's what? 102 00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:13,651 You never heard of troga? 103 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,186 I hate it when you do that. 104 00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:16,187 What? 105 00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:17,355 "you've never heard of troga?" 106 00:04:17,389 --> 00:04:18,656 "you never tried octopus?" 107 00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:20,158 "you never did this amazing thing 108 00:04:20,192 --> 00:04:21,492 "I just discovered yesterday 109 00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:23,394 T I pretend like I've done my whole life?" 110 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:26,864 So, troga is treadmill yoga. 111 00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:28,783 It's de rigueur. 112 00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,735 It's de-dorky. 113 00:04:30,753 --> 00:04:32,437 What is your deal today? 114 00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:34,539 I'm sorry. 115 00:04:34,573 --> 00:04:35,973 Phil is hosting that thing tonight, 116 00:04:36,008 --> 00:04:37,408 And -- and he's been writing jokes. 117 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,476 Ooh, yikes. 118 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:39,594 I know. 119 00:04:39,628 --> 00:04:41,262 And I'm worried he's gonna humiliateself 120 00:04:41,296 --> 00:04:42,797 In front of all those important people. 121 00:04:42,848 --> 00:04:44,098 I can't say anything because -- 122 00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:45,550 No, no. I get it. I get it. I get it. 123 00:04:45,584 --> 00:04:47,485 Because it would hurt him even more coming from you. Yeah. 124 00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:49,454 You know, I'm kind of going through something similar 125 00:04:49,488 --> 00:04:50,555 With cam right now. 126 00:04:50,589 --> 00:04:52,757 Why? He's started exercising again. 127 00:04:52,775 --> 00:04:54,392 Well, that's good for him. 128 00:04:54,426 --> 00:04:56,227 Yeah. He's wearing bike shorts. 129 00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:57,362 That's bad for you. 130 00:04:57,396 --> 00:04:59,930 And I'm the last person who can say anything, 131 00:04:59,948 --> 00:05:00,931 Because he's -- yeah. 132 00:05:00,949 --> 00:05:02,767 Okay, wait. No, no. All right. 133 00:05:02,785 --> 00:05:04,619 You know the movie "strangers on a train"? 134 00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:05,736 Hm, I never saw it. 135 00:05:05,754 --> 00:05:07,221 You've never seen "strangers on a --" 136 00:05:07,272 --> 00:05:08,523 I'm sorry. Great film. 137 00:05:08,557 --> 00:05:11,977 But it's these guys who both discover 138 00:05:11,992 --> 00:05:13,650 That they want someone out of their lives. Uh-huh. 139 00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:15,212 So one of the guys proposes the perfect crime. 140 00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:18,432 They will do each other's murders. 141 00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:19,951 We should do that. 142 00:05:19,985 --> 00:05:23,087 All right, so I would tell cam to lose the bike shorts? 143 00:05:23,121 --> 00:05:24,372 Keeping me out of it. 144 00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:26,674 And I tell phil to lose the jokes. 145 00:05:26,725 --> 00:05:28,125 I like it. I'm in. 146 00:05:28,143 --> 00:05:29,927 All right! I am in! 147 00:05:29,945 --> 00:05:31,862 Alex: Hey, mackenzie. 'sup? It's alex. 148 00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:33,598 Hey, so I was thinking later we'd -- 149 00:05:33,665 --> 00:05:35,182 Oh, no. Whatever you want. 150 00:05:35,217 --> 00:05:36,183 Call me later! 151 00:05:36,218 --> 00:05:37,969 Or I'll call you later, or -- 152 00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:39,437 [ groans ] 153 00:05:39,471 --> 00:05:42,540 -So, who's mackenzie? -You don't know her. 154 00:05:43,925 --> 00:05:45,425 Haley: Oh, I know mackenzie. 155 00:05:45,477 --> 00:05:47,010 Cute. Popular. 156 00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:49,947 I am mackenzie. I invented mackenzie. 157 00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:53,383 And the way she's making my sister run around... 158 00:05:53,418 --> 00:05:56,653 [ chuckles ] it's -- it's kind of funny, but... 159 00:05:56,688 --> 00:05:59,756 I can't have it. It's bad for the family. 160 00:05:59,791 --> 00:06:03,560 [ beeping ] 161 00:06:03,595 --> 00:06:05,929 What are you doing? I was about to call -- 162 00:06:05,964 --> 00:06:07,862 Mackenzie? Yeah, I know. 163 00:06:07,897 --> 00:06:09,232 Now shut up and let me help you. 164 00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,301 The world is divided into two groups -- 165 00:06:11,336 --> 00:06:13,120 Cool girls and girls like you. 166 00:06:13,171 --> 00:06:15,555 And you have been given a rare opportunity 167 00:06:15,590 --> 00:06:17,774 To move from the former to the latter. 168 00:06:17,809 --> 00:06:18,825 The latter to the former. 169 00:06:18,860 --> 00:06:20,861 Whatever. Oh, my god. You're such a geek. 170 00:06:20,912 --> 00:06:23,613 Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular? 171 00:06:24,682 --> 00:06:27,351 [ sighs ] I think I want to be popular. 172 00:06:27,385 --> 00:06:28,418 Of course you do. 173 00:06:28,453 --> 00:06:31,532 You just can't be so obvious about it. 174 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:33,611 You've given mackenzie way too much power, 175 00:06:33,646 --> 00:06:35,631 And you need to take some of that power back. 176 00:06:35,666 --> 00:06:36,893 [ cellphone rings ] it's her. 177 00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:38,228 Give me the phone. 178 00:06:38,262 --> 00:06:39,629 Here's what you're gonna say -- 179 00:06:39,664 --> 00:06:41,989 "hey, mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later." 180 00:06:42,024 --> 00:06:44,217 Then you hang up. No way! 181 00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:46,252 [ sighs ] then you're not getting the phone back. 182 00:06:46,303 --> 00:06:47,220 Just give it to me. 183 00:06:47,254 --> 00:06:48,438 "hey, mackenzie. I'm busy. 184 00:06:48,472 --> 00:06:50,056 Call me back later." then you hang up. 185 00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:51,173 I can't. Do it. 186 00:06:51,191 --> 00:06:51,841 No! Do it! 187 00:06:51,859 --> 00:06:53,910 Okay! Damn you. 188 00:06:55,362 --> 00:06:58,514 Hey, mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later. 189 00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,818 [ sighs ] 190 00:07:01,852 --> 00:07:03,319 That was hard. 191 00:07:03,353 --> 00:07:06,072 If it was easy, everyone would be popular. 192 00:07:10,710 --> 00:07:12,344 Cameron: Come on in! It's open! 193 00:07:12,378 --> 00:07:13,712 Hey! 194 00:07:13,730 --> 00:07:16,198 I just wanted to drop off these old baby clothes for lily. 195 00:07:16,232 --> 00:07:17,816 Oh, that's right. You're so sweet. 196 00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:19,151 I hope I didn't come at a bad time. 197 00:07:19,185 --> 00:07:20,436 Not at all. 198 00:07:20,470 --> 00:07:22,988 I was just deciding where to take lily for our bike ride -- 199 00:07:23,023 --> 00:07:24,607 The lake or the park. 200 00:07:24,641 --> 00:07:26,175 I'm leaning towards the park. 201 00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:28,894 I can see that. 202 00:07:28,929 --> 00:07:31,213 You didn't have to do that. [ video game beeping ] 203 00:07:31,264 --> 00:07:33,766 You guys are a touch o' class. 204 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:34,950 [ chuckles ] 205 00:07:34,985 --> 00:07:37,836 Well, it is a big night for you, so, french. 206 00:07:37,870 --> 00:07:39,738 Luke: Those guys. 207 00:07:39,773 --> 00:07:41,857 So, have you given any thought to what you might say? 208 00:07:41,908 --> 00:07:44,409 Oh, actually, I'm trying not to think about my act right now. 209 00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,612 I'm kind of fighting the old butterflies, to be honest. 210 00:07:46,646 --> 00:07:47,863 That's normal. 211 00:07:47,914 --> 00:07:51,500 I hear the jonas brothers get scared before every concert. 212 00:07:51,551 --> 00:07:53,585 Not kevin? The guy's a rock. 213 00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,621 Especially kevin. 214 00:07:56,305 --> 00:07:59,274 [ scoffs ] I can't believe I ever bought this for alex. 215 00:07:59,308 --> 00:08:01,242 I wish somebody had said something. 216 00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:03,595 Oh, come on. That was probably cute 10 years ago. 217 00:08:03,646 --> 00:08:06,014 No, no. It never was. And you know -- 218 00:08:06,048 --> 00:08:07,782 I'm the exact same way about my clothes. 219 00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,000 Most of the time, great. 220 00:08:09,035 --> 00:08:11,353 But every now and again, there's that one outfit 221 00:08:11,387 --> 00:08:15,056 I just wish somebody would be honest with me and say, 222 00:08:15,091 --> 00:08:19,012 "what you're wearing is in...Appropriate." 223 00:08:19,047 --> 00:08:22,852 -Do you know what I mean? -I think I do, claire. 224 00:08:22,887 --> 00:08:24,181 -I think I do. -Mm-hmm. 225 00:08:24,233 --> 00:08:25,799 And my answer is yes. 226 00:08:25,817 --> 00:08:26,934 Okay. 227 00:08:26,969 --> 00:08:28,569 I would love to dress you. 228 00:08:28,604 --> 00:08:30,871 No, it -- I don't want you to dress me. 229 00:08:30,906 --> 00:08:31,872 No. 230 00:08:31,907 --> 00:08:34,292 And...I owe it to you to be honest, 231 00:08:34,343 --> 00:08:35,643 So I'm just gonna say 232 00:08:35,710 --> 00:08:38,312 That you need to lose the bicycle shorts. 233 00:08:39,581 --> 00:08:40,498 Excuse me? 234 00:08:40,549 --> 00:08:42,450 They're not working for you, cam. 235 00:08:42,484 --> 00:08:44,352 Please don't take this personally. 236 00:08:44,386 --> 00:08:46,654 I mean, nobody looks good in bike shorts. 237 00:08:46,688 --> 00:08:49,724 I just -- I feel that I owe it to you to be honest. 238 00:08:49,758 --> 00:08:51,142 So, we're good, right? 239 00:08:51,193 --> 00:08:52,927 We're great. We're great. 240 00:08:52,961 --> 00:08:54,045 We're great. Oh, great. 241 00:08:54,079 --> 00:08:55,429 Okay. 242 00:08:55,464 --> 00:08:56,797 Okay. 243 00:08:57,532 --> 00:08:59,499 You should probably just show yourselfut. 244 00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:01,635 I hear -- I hear some crying down the hallway. 245 00:09:01,669 --> 00:09:03,186 Look at that. That's a good dad. 246 00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:05,722 'cause you've got a baby, and you hear every little sound. 247 00:09:05,757 --> 00:09:08,008 I wouldn't have -- I wouldn't have even noticed... 248 00:09:08,042 --> 00:09:09,843 Crying. [ door slams ] 249 00:09:09,861 --> 00:09:11,244 [ cameron crying ] 250 00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:14,514 Uh, okay. [ clears throat ] all right. 251 00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:16,416 All you need to know about this one 252 00:09:16,451 --> 00:09:18,685 Is that skip woosnum is a well-known realtor 253 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:19,636 And he's old. 254 00:09:19,671 --> 00:09:20,654 Got it. 255 00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:22,222 Skip woosnum. Realtor. Old. 256 00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:23,723 Here we go. 257 00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:26,960 I'm not saying realtor skip woosnum is old, 258 00:09:26,995 --> 00:09:29,730 But the first property he ever sold... 259 00:09:29,764 --> 00:09:31,481 Was a cave. 260 00:09:31,532 --> 00:09:33,800 [ phil and luke laugh ] 261 00:09:34,335 --> 00:09:35,268 You're not, uh... 262 00:09:35,302 --> 00:09:36,335 Not laughing. 263 00:09:36,353 --> 00:09:38,943 Why aren't you laughing, uncle mitchell? 264 00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:40,018 'cause he doesn't think it's funny, 265 00:09:40,053 --> 00:09:41,241 Or maybe -- maybe you don't think I'm funny. 266 00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:42,709 Is that what you're saying, mitch? 267 00:09:42,743 --> 00:09:43,726 No, it's... 268 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:47,780 I just got it! 269 00:09:47,815 --> 00:09:49,632 [ laughs ] oh. 270 00:09:49,683 --> 00:09:52,151 Cave! [ laughs ] 271 00:09:52,186 --> 00:09:54,070 That one's kind of a thinker. Yes! 272 00:09:54,104 --> 00:09:56,122 [ man singing in spanish ] 273 00:10:00,077 --> 00:10:02,061 There he is. [ chuckles ] 274 00:10:02,112 --> 00:10:03,279 All right, now. 275 00:10:03,313 --> 00:10:04,296 Knock it off, jay. 276 00:10:04,331 --> 00:10:05,681 You don't know anyone's name here. 277 00:10:05,715 --> 00:10:06,665 Are you kidding me? 278 00:10:06,716 --> 00:10:07,950 Carlos! 279 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,121 Lucky guess. 280 00:10:12,155 --> 00:10:14,490 I'm lucky only one turned around. 281 00:10:14,524 --> 00:10:17,276 Listen -- I need a favor. 282 00:10:17,327 --> 00:10:19,929 I overestimated the number of people I know at this party. 283 00:10:19,963 --> 00:10:23,299 So you go around, introduce yourself, 284 00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,400 And I'll hear the names. 285 00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:25,785 You realize you're asking me 286 00:10:25,836 --> 00:10:27,536 To help prove my own mother wrong. 287 00:10:27,554 --> 00:10:29,688 I'll pay two bucks per introduction. 288 00:10:29,739 --> 00:10:31,707 All right, well, that's ramona. She's crazy for bingo. 289 00:10:31,741 --> 00:10:32,741 Ramona. 290 00:10:36,530 --> 00:10:38,664 [ conversing in spanish ] 291 00:10:49,962 --> 00:10:51,446 Jay: Gloria! 292 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,014 Stop being such a snob. 293 00:10:53,049 --> 00:10:55,550 Come over and meet my friend julio and his wife -- 294 00:10:55,584 --> 00:10:57,268 Uh, I'm sorry. Your name again? 295 00:10:57,303 --> 00:10:58,386 Qué? 296 00:10:58,420 --> 00:11:00,588 I think you're really gonna hit it off with kay! 297 00:11:00,623 --> 00:11:02,490 Mm-hmm. 298 00:11:04,226 --> 00:11:06,394 I mean, she's gonna tell me how to dress?! 299 00:11:06,428 --> 00:11:08,897 She ought to stick to things she knows more about, 300 00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:10,164 Like overcooking salmon. 301 00:11:10,182 --> 00:11:11,165 Okay, wait. 302 00:11:11,183 --> 00:11:12,267 So, she actually said 303 00:11:12,301 --> 00:11:14,069 That you don't look good in bicycle shorts? 304 00:11:14,103 --> 00:11:15,170 Yes. 305 00:11:15,204 --> 00:11:18,606 "you don't look good in bicycle shorts." 306 00:11:18,641 --> 00:11:19,641 Madness. 307 00:11:19,675 --> 00:11:21,192 [ cellphone rings ] 308 00:11:21,243 --> 00:11:22,193 Oh, and here she is. 309 00:11:22,244 --> 00:11:23,878 Okay, you know what? I can't be here. 310 00:11:23,913 --> 00:11:25,463 I'm -- I'm going out for some air. 311 00:11:25,514 --> 00:11:27,799 Yes. Yes, go. This -- this could get ugly. 312 00:11:28,633 --> 00:11:30,568 [ angrily ] hello, claire. 313 00:11:30,619 --> 00:11:32,653 You are a gutless weasel. 314 00:11:32,671 --> 00:11:33,687 Oh, yeah. No. 315 00:11:33,722 --> 00:11:35,890 I heard what you said to my boyfriend. 316 00:11:35,924 --> 00:11:37,775 You told phil he was hysterical! 317 00:11:37,809 --> 00:11:40,394 You said he was this generation's richard pryor! 318 00:11:40,412 --> 00:11:43,247 Well, I am not the one that you need to apologize to. 319 00:11:43,281 --> 00:11:45,966 What are you babbling about? You owe me a murder. 320 00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:47,701 [ door slams ] 321 00:11:47,719 --> 00:11:49,737 Okay, claire, I c-- I couldn't do it. 322 00:11:49,771 --> 00:11:51,705 I couldn't crush phil's dreams. 323 00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:54,241 We had a deal. I told cam about the bike shorts. 324 00:11:54,276 --> 00:11:55,609 No! No! 325 00:11:55,644 --> 00:11:58,562 The deal was to get cam to take off the bike shorts. 326 00:11:58,613 --> 00:12:01,782 But guess what -- he is still in the stupid bike shorts. 327 00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:03,317 Can I call you back? 328 00:12:03,351 --> 00:12:05,202 Turns out cam was here the whole time, 329 00:12:05,237 --> 00:12:07,054 And he just heard everything I said. 330 00:12:07,088 --> 00:12:09,156 Ooh. Did he just run into the bedroom and cry? 331 00:12:09,191 --> 00:12:10,658 Oh, yes, 'cause that's what all gay men do. 332 00:12:10,692 --> 00:12:13,494 We all dissolve into -- [ door slams, cameron crying ] 333 00:12:13,528 --> 00:12:14,762 Yes. That is what he did. 334 00:12:17,963 --> 00:12:20,990 There are challenging moments in every marriage. 335 00:12:21,025 --> 00:12:23,882 Um...Having to tell your husband that he's not funny 336 00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:25,583 So that he won't humiliate himself 337 00:12:25,601 --> 00:12:27,012 Has to be one of the toughest. 338 00:12:32,524 --> 00:12:34,837 So I went a different way. 339 00:12:34,871 --> 00:12:36,079 Stop talking. 340 00:12:36,113 --> 00:12:39,055 I just need some time for this wound to become a scar. 341 00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:41,215 I'm sorry I got claire involved, 342 00:12:41,251 --> 00:12:43,342 But -- and this is not a criticism, 343 00:12:43,377 --> 00:12:45,860 But sometimes you can be a little sensitive 344 00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:47,255 About your...Appearance. 345 00:12:47,289 --> 00:12:48,785 Well, this is a criticism -- 346 00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:51,337 Sometimes you can be insensitive about everything. 347 00:12:51,372 --> 00:12:53,191 Oh, I-I just -- cam, I just feel like 348 00:12:53,226 --> 00:12:56,082 Our relationship's strong enough to survive a little candor. 349 00:12:56,135 --> 00:12:57,495 I mean, look, you could tell me 350 00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:59,502 If there's something about me you'd like to change. 351 00:12:59,537 --> 00:13:01,135 I hate your beard. 352 00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:02,258 Wow. 353 00:13:02,293 --> 00:13:04,265 Well, you had that bullet in the chamber. 354 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,003 I never said anything because I never wanted to hurt you... 355 00:13:07,039 --> 00:13:09,436 But I've always found your beard off-putting. 356 00:13:15,187 --> 00:13:17,584 See? Hurts. 357 00:13:19,439 --> 00:13:20,918 [ door slams ] 358 00:13:20,953 --> 00:13:22,092 Mitchell? 359 00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:24,405 Mitchell, get back here! 360 00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:29,389 What are you doing? 361 00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:31,328 I'm shaving off the bear 362 00:13:31,364 --> 00:13:32,690 Seriously? 363 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:35,667 Yeah, well, the man I love doesn't like it, so off it goes. 364 00:13:35,702 --> 00:13:36,653 Well, good. 365 00:13:36,688 --> 00:13:38,184 Good. Great. 366 00:13:38,219 --> 00:13:39,392 Great. Okay. 367 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,484 [ sighs ] one... 368 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,661 Two... 369 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:46,111 Three. 370 00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:47,370 Wait! 371 00:13:47,405 --> 00:13:50,023 The fact that you're willing to do it is enough for me. 372 00:13:50,059 --> 00:13:51,827 I love your beard. 373 00:13:51,861 --> 00:13:54,752 I love that when you drink cappuccino, you get foam in it 374 00:13:54,788 --> 00:13:56,895 And when you're nervous, your little... 375 00:13:56,931 --> 00:13:57,916 Hairs twitch. 376 00:13:59,278 --> 00:14:02,100 Well, you couldn't have told me before took a notch out? 377 00:14:02,135 --> 00:14:03,598 I'm sorry. I-I -- listen. 378 00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:07,153 I know... I can be touchy about... 379 00:14:07,188 --> 00:14:08,514 This. 380 00:14:08,566 --> 00:14:10,743 But you're this amazing-looking guy, and -- 381 00:14:10,777 --> 00:14:13,566 I am not amazing - 382 00:14:13,601 --> 00:14:14,587 Really? 383 00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,475 I wouldn't change anything. 384 00:14:16,527 --> 00:14:18,312 Oh... 385 00:14:18,364 --> 00:14:20,234 You should know that every day, 386 00:14:20,253 --> 00:14:22,939 I wake up very grateful to have you in my life. 387 00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:25,167 I'm the one who got lucky, handsome. 388 00:14:25,202 --> 00:14:27,242 Maybe I just don't show it enough. 389 00:14:27,278 --> 00:14:29,947 Well, you can make it up to me by doing my shoulders. 390 00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:31,308 Sure. 391 00:14:37,654 --> 00:14:39,813 I meant a massage. What are you saying? 392 00:14:39,865 --> 00:14:42,722 Oh, mitchell. Mitchell. 393 00:14:45,547 --> 00:14:48,472 [ cellphone rings ] 394 00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:49,527 It's mackenzie. 395 00:14:49,595 --> 00:14:50,683 Again. 396 00:14:50,718 --> 00:14:52,520 She wants me to come to this party she's throwing. 397 00:14:52,555 --> 00:14:53,507 She texted me earlier. 398 00:14:53,542 --> 00:14:54,731 You texted her back, right? 399 00:14:54,749 --> 00:14:55,888 [ scoffs ] no. 400 00:14:55,907 --> 00:14:56,909 Wow. 401 00:14:56,927 --> 00:14:58,100 I'm... 402 00:14:58,118 --> 00:14:59,767 Proud? 403 00:14:59,802 --> 00:15:01,621 Tell her you'll try and come. Right. 404 00:15:01,674 --> 00:15:02,897 And then when she says -- 405 00:15:02,932 --> 00:15:03,918 Haley... 406 00:15:03,952 --> 00:15:05,211 I got this. 407 00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,000 Hey. 408 00:15:08,035 --> 00:15:09,327 Who's this? 409 00:15:09,361 --> 00:15:10,381 Brilliant. 410 00:15:10,417 --> 00:15:14,056 No, I didn't see it. I get a lot of texts. 411 00:15:14,090 --> 00:15:15,655 [ sobs ] 412 00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:18,070 [ voice breaking ] I have a sister. 413 00:15:18,088 --> 00:15:19,907 When's the party? 414 00:15:19,926 --> 00:15:21,710 I'll try and come. 415 00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:24,466 You know, I'm kind of busy. I have a life. 416 00:15:24,502 --> 00:15:26,609 You know, stuff. 417 00:15:26,645 --> 00:15:27,681 Homework. 418 00:15:27,717 --> 00:15:28,719 Uh-oh. 419 00:15:28,737 --> 00:15:30,147 I mean, not homework. 420 00:15:30,183 --> 00:15:32,240 It's not work if you love it. 421 00:15:32,275 --> 00:15:33,550 Oh, god. Hang up. Hang up. 422 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:34,774 Shut up! 423 00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:35,948 Not you, mackenzie. 424 00:15:35,984 --> 00:15:37,564 Drop the phone and kick it over here! 425 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,618 Um, I have to go. 426 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:39,912 I-I'll call you later. 427 00:15:39,947 --> 00:15:41,579 [ chuckles ] or you call me later. 428 00:15:41,614 --> 00:15:42,667 Love you! 429 00:15:42,703 --> 00:15:43,807 Aah! Aah! 430 00:15:43,842 --> 00:15:45,423 Aah! Aah! 431 00:15:45,458 --> 00:15:46,716 They were right in here! 432 00:15:46,751 --> 00:15:48,621 I know, and we looked everywhere, honey, 433 00:15:48,639 --> 00:15:49,999 So just calm down. 434 00:15:50,051 --> 00:15:51,786 Are you kidding me? "calm down"? 435 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:52,942 In one minute, 436 00:15:52,977 --> 00:15:54,694 I'm gonna be standing up there like... 437 00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,242 Like a... 438 00:15:56,277 --> 00:15:58,623 Oh, my god. I have no material at all. 439 00:15:58,642 --> 00:16:00,766 Okay. You're gonna be fine. You don't need jokes. 440 00:16:00,802 --> 00:16:01,787 Listen to me, honey. 441 00:16:01,805 --> 00:16:03,454 Get up there. Be your charming self. 442 00:16:03,472 --> 00:16:06,635 Make the introductions from your heart, and get out. 443 00:16:06,687 --> 00:16:09,068 You're gonna -- you're gonna be amazing, okay? 444 00:16:09,087 --> 00:16:10,275 Mwah! Man: Phil dunphy. 445 00:16:10,327 --> 00:16:11,807 [ applause ] go. Go. 446 00:16:21,011 --> 00:16:23,459 [ clears throat ] 447 00:16:23,494 --> 00:16:24,989 Good evening. 448 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,419 I would not be here tonight 449 00:16:26,454 --> 00:16:27,712 If not for the hard work 450 00:16:27,746 --> 00:16:29,855 Of the s.C.A.R.B. Board of trustees... 451 00:16:29,890 --> 00:16:31,216 I didn't have my jokes. 452 00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:34,243 What choice does a guy have but to play it straight? 453 00:16:34,279 --> 00:16:36,898 ...The support of my family, 454 00:16:36,932 --> 00:16:39,925 And gil thorpe's colon. 455 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,443 [ laughter ] 456 00:16:46,696 --> 00:16:51,016 But phil dunphy is no straight guy. 457 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:55,712 So many giants of residential real estate here tonight. 458 00:16:55,746 --> 00:16:58,194 And, of course, j.J. Mccubbin. 459 00:16:58,229 --> 00:16:59,759 [ laughter ] 460 00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:04,641 I'm not saying j.J. Is small, 461 00:17:04,693 --> 00:17:08,775 But in the realty section, he was described as "charming." 462 00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:10,918 [ laughter ] 463 00:17:10,954 --> 00:17:13,437 Mark simon, you out there? 464 00:17:13,471 --> 00:17:16,175 There's mark. How are you, buddy? 465 00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:18,999 Mark recently moved into a new model. 466 00:17:19,051 --> 00:17:20,683 How are you, francine? 467 00:17:20,718 --> 00:17:22,826 [ laughter ] 468 00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,548 I kid, mark simon. I kid, mark simon. 469 00:17:25,583 --> 00:17:27,317 You know that. 470 00:17:27,335 --> 00:17:31,229 Trancito, little manuel, and carlos, my wife, gloria. 471 00:17:31,264 --> 00:17:32,471 Nice to meet you. 472 00:17:32,506 --> 00:17:33,713 We have to talk. 473 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:34,733 Un momento. 474 00:17:34,769 --> 00:17:36,588 Mm. 475 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,863 You know, I -- 476 00:17:37,898 --> 00:17:39,564 I can't believe you never met them. 477 00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:41,282 You've never met any of these people. 478 00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:42,967 You don't know anyone in this room. 479 00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:44,225 Vamos, jay. 480 00:17:44,261 --> 00:17:46,369 I'm not leaving before the father/daughter dance. 481 00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:48,103 And "these people," as you call them, 482 00:17:48,139 --> 00:17:49,294 Are not just employees. 483 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:50,775 They're mi familia, or "my family." 484 00:17:50,827 --> 00:17:52,832 I know what "mi familia" is, jay. 485 00:17:52,868 --> 00:17:53,853 [ applause ] 486 00:17:53,888 --> 00:17:56,371 Oh, I was afraid of this. 487 00:17:57,529 --> 00:18:00,215 [ speaking spanish ] 488 00:18:02,326 --> 00:18:04,145 No. Jay. No. 489 00:18:05,677 --> 00:18:07,053 Jay: Thank you. Thank you. 490 00:18:07,088 --> 00:18:09,503 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. 491 00:18:09,538 --> 00:18:10,812 I'm gonna make this brief. 492 00:18:10,865 --> 00:18:13,296 I know a lot of you out there don't even know who I am. 493 00:18:13,348 --> 00:18:15,184 As my lovely wife, gloria, pointed out, 494 00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,839 That's my fault, not yours. 495 00:18:17,873 --> 00:18:19,641 I'm jay pritchett, 496 00:18:19,677 --> 00:18:21,070 El jefe. 497 00:18:21,088 --> 00:18:22,466 [ chuckles ] 498 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,017 Listen -- on this very, very happy occasion, 499 00:18:25,051 --> 00:18:27,296 I'd like to pick up the tab on the bar. 500 00:18:27,331 --> 00:18:30,188 [ applause ] 501 00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:36,142 You know, when I started this company... 502 00:18:36,176 --> 00:18:37,536 [ slow music plays ] ...The first thing that I -- 503 00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:38,591 What? 504 00:18:38,609 --> 00:18:40,156 Oh, right. Right, now. Good. Yeah. 505 00:18:40,192 --> 00:18:41,415 Is is not about me. 506 00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:43,780 This is about a very special young lady 507 00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:47,028 And the man who loves her more than anyone else on earth. 508 00:18:51,435 --> 00:18:53,867 Isn't that lovely? 509 00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,942 That's a beautiful, beautiful thing. 510 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,234 You know, I'm reminded 511 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,787 Of when I used to dance with my little girl. 512 00:18:59,821 --> 00:19:00,976 But not like that. 513 00:19:04,669 --> 00:19:06,506 Slow down, there, muchacho. 514 00:19:08,208 --> 00:19:11,558 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [ cheers and applause ] 515 00:19:11,593 --> 00:19:13,803 What, are you applauding this? You're applauding this? 516 00:19:13,838 --> 00:19:15,674 I don't care what kind of tradition this is. 517 00:19:15,709 --> 00:19:17,817 This is gonna stop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. No! 518 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,485 No! What? What? Am I the only one seeing this?! 519 00:19:19,519 --> 00:19:20,675 Gloria: V-v-vamos! 520 00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:23,363 I mean, honey, I am not kidding when I tell you 521 00:19:23,398 --> 00:19:26,221 There was a woman next to me gasping for breath. 522 00:19:26,256 --> 00:19:29,215 Seriously, you were so freaking funny, phil. 523 00:19:29,249 --> 00:19:30,780 I have seen professional comedians 524 00:19:30,814 --> 00:19:32,226 Who could never have done that. 525 00:19:32,278 --> 00:19:33,280 You were unbeliev-- 526 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:39,660 I know it was you, claire. You stole my index cards. 527 00:19:40,817 --> 00:19:43,946 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 528 00:19:43,981 --> 00:19:46,158 I thought I was protecting you. 529 00:19:46,192 --> 00:19:48,573 And if my plan had been successful, 530 00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:53,336 I would have robbed you of the greatest night ever. 531 00:19:53,370 --> 00:19:55,275 I'm sorry I'm awful. 532 00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:56,789 You're not awful. 533 00:19:56,824 --> 00:19:57,810 Mm... 534 00:19:57,845 --> 00:19:58,983 Claire... 535 00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:01,603 I love that you're looking out for me, 536 00:20:01,637 --> 00:20:03,440 And know why you worry about me. 537 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,148 But I knew I had this tonight. 538 00:20:07,183 --> 00:20:08,679 [ sniffles ] 539 00:20:08,715 --> 00:20:11,010 I know. 540 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,761 Sometimes I just think my job 541 00:20:12,797 --> 00:20:15,518 Is to make sure you guys don't fall on your faces. 542 00:20:15,552 --> 00:20:17,457 That's a hard job in the dunphy house. 543 00:20:19,023 --> 00:20:20,178 We fall a lot. 544 00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,539 I know. 545 00:20:21,558 --> 00:20:26,064 Maybe your real job is to be the person who picks us back up. 546 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,139 Nobody does that better than you. 547 00:20:28,174 --> 00:20:29,399 Thank you. 548 00:20:33,749 --> 00:20:34,766 Alex. 549 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,552 I have no friends. 550 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,522 You're on the clock. 551 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:45,560 Mm. 552 00:20:45,594 --> 00:21:01,776 All right. [ sighs ] 553 00:20:55,759 --> 00:20:57,292 Luke: Oh, my gosh, mom. You're killing me. 554 00:20:57,310 --> 00:20:58,394 It's pretty good, right? 555 00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:01,123 Pretty good? You could be, like, in vegas. 556 00:21:01,158 --> 00:21:03,384 -Well... -W-w-what's going on there? 557 00:21:03,419 --> 00:21:04,843 Mom does the funniest impression 558 00:21:04,878 --> 00:21:06,824 Of that weird lady at the supermarket. 559 00:21:06,859 --> 00:21:09,027 Oh, yeah. I know her. Let's hear it. 560 00:21:09,062 --> 00:21:10,634 Okay. Um... 561 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,509 [ accented voice ] "it's cheaper 562 00:21:12,544 --> 00:21:14,445 If you buy two jars of pickles." 563 00:21:14,511 --> 00:21:17,578 [ laughter ] 564 00:21:17,613 --> 00:21:19,721 It's like she's right here! 565 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,204 I know! Yeah. 566 00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:21,950 So like she's right here! I know. 567 00:21:21,985 --> 00:21:23,852 That's not what she sounds like. 568 00:21:23,853 --> 00:21:29,853 -- Sync by Rafael UPD -- www.addic7ed.com/