1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:03,020
Well, how many people have ordered
DVDs and haven't paid for them?

2
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,420
- Claire...
- Um, yeah.

3
00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:07,520
- Uh, I guess I could stop by and...
- Really, really important.

4
00:00:08,524 --> 00:00:10,924
Uh, Cheryl, can I call you back?

5
00:00:11,577 --> 00:00:13,444
Okay. Great. Bye.

6
00:00:13,479 --> 00:00:14,979
- Yes? What?
- Hey, yeah...

7
00:00:15,013 --> 00:00:16,647
I was going through your drawer
in the bathroom

8
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:18,883
- looking for some lip stuff because my...
- Lips were dry.

9
00:00:18,917 --> 00:00:20,985
- God, you know me.
- Phil...

10
00:00:21,019 --> 00:00:23,020
Remember the spa certificates we got

11
00:00:23,055 --> 00:00:24,953
- at the children's hospital auction?
- Mm-hmm.

12
00:00:24,954 --> 00:00:27,354
Well, look at this...
they expire tomorrow.

13
00:00:27,389 --> 00:00:29,006
Oh, wow.
What are you gonna do?

14
00:00:29,057 --> 00:00:31,625
Claire, I don't think
you're grasping the magnitude

15
00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:34,294
of this package,
valued at over $250.

16
00:00:34,312 --> 00:00:36,463
- Sweetie...
- If you don't use them,

17
00:00:36,498 --> 00:00:38,432
then all our money
just goes to charity.

18
00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:39,724
And so what am I supposed to do?

19
00:00:39,725 --> 00:00:41,842
Somewhere between
dropping off Alex at orchestra

20
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,633
and picking up Luke from practice...

21
00:00:43,634 --> 00:00:45,818
Oh, and burning a bunch of DVDs
of the talent show,

22
00:00:45,852 --> 00:00:48,637
I'm gonna, what, pop in
for a quick salt scrub?

23
00:00:48,655 --> 00:00:50,528
I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs.

24
00:00:50,529 --> 00:00:51,888
Well, she's supposed to,

25
00:00:51,889 --> 00:00:53,469
but somehow she's got me doing it.

26
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:54,803
Here's what you do.

27
00:00:54,838 --> 00:00:57,873
Say, "Cheryl, no can do today.
Need a little 'me time.'"

28
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,892
Have you met Cheryl?

29
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:00,764
That'll be my new nickname.

30
00:01:00,765 --> 00:01:02,770
I'll be Claire "me time" Dunphy.

31
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,138
It's not worth the headache.

32
00:01:04,172 --> 00:01:05,439
Just say you're sick.

33
00:01:05,473 --> 00:01:07,340
Then I run into her,
and it'll be a whole thing.

34
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,139
Well, if that happens,

35
00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,843
you say you're on your way
to the pharmacy to...

36
00:01:09,878 --> 00:01:11,679
Phil, darling, no, not helping.

37
00:01:11,713 --> 00:01:13,647
Fine. I'll give them to
Florence Gunderman at work.

38
00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,483
Her hands look gross ever since
she took up the banjo.

39
00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,492
Hey, mom, I need
some money for lunch.

40
00:01:18,543 --> 00:01:19,012
We're all gonna go to...

41
00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:20,706
Oh, my God! Take off my sweater!

42
00:01:20,707 --> 00:01:21,804
Mom, tell her to take it off!

43
00:01:21,805 --> 00:01:22,954
Alex, take it off.

44
00:01:22,989 --> 00:01:24,990
Last week, she wore
my sweatshirt without asking.

45
00:01:25,024 --> 00:01:26,508
That is true.

46
00:01:26,542 --> 00:01:28,110
Oh, please... that was an honor

47
00:01:28,144 --> 00:01:29,711
for your stupid old sweatshirt.

48
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:32,180
It was the first time
the top half got any exercise.

49
00:01:32,215 --> 00:01:34,099
Now, mom,
that's my favorite sweater!

50
00:01:34,150 --> 00:01:35,300
I just got it.

51
00:01:35,335 --> 00:01:37,319
You know what you girls
need to learn to do?

52
00:01:37,353 --> 00:01:40,555
You need to learn to share,
because that's what sisters do.

53
00:01:40,573 --> 00:01:42,557
All right, Haley, nothing's
gonna happen to your sweater.

54
00:01:42,592 --> 00:01:43,892
Right, Alex?

55
00:01:43,926 --> 00:01:44,926
Hmm?

56
00:01:44,961 --> 00:01:46,261
Okay, fine.

57
00:01:46,295 --> 00:01:49,498
Then I will just go put
on your favorite nerdy t-shirt,

58
00:01:49,532 --> 00:01:52,584
the one with the guy
from "Back to the future" on it.

59
00:01:52,618 --> 00:01:54,202
That's Albert Einstein!

60
00:01:54,237 --> 00:01:56,371
And it is not nerdy!

61
00:01:56,405 --> 00:01:58,040
Well...

62
00:02:00,225 --> 00:02:01,259
Hi!

63
00:02:01,293 --> 00:02:03,327
Hey, daddy.
How was the farmers' market?

64
00:02:03,361 --> 00:02:06,430
Well, it was great, but guess
what the new spinach is.

65
00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:07,765
Um, radicchio?

66
00:02:07,783 --> 00:02:08,933
Kale.

67
00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:10,251
No!

68
00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,336
I know. I was just
as blown away as you are.

69
00:02:12,371 --> 00:02:15,373
Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to adopt...

70
00:02:15,407 --> 00:02:16,424
yay...

71
00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:17,809
a new attitude towards kale.

72
00:02:17,843 --> 00:02:20,945
Maybe we'll even adopt
a new vinaigrette.

73
00:02:20,979 --> 00:02:22,446
Adopt, yay!

74
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,215
Okay, what's going on here?

75
00:02:24,249 --> 00:02:26,184
I'm taking the negative charge

76
00:02:26,218 --> 00:02:27,685
out of the word "adopted." Yay.

77
00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:29,036
What did Oprah do now?

78
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:30,521
Well, she had a girl on

79
00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:32,557
who, at 16, found out
that she was adopted

80
00:02:32,591 --> 00:02:34,942
and felt betrayed, ran away,
and became a stripper...

81
00:02:34,977 --> 00:02:37,495
And not the heart-of-gold kind,
the by-the-airport kind.

82
00:02:37,529 --> 00:02:39,230
Okay.

83
00:02:39,477 --> 00:02:41,445
All right. Go get
your gavel, judge Judy.

84
00:02:41,479 --> 00:02:44,748
- No, not at all. I'm adopting...
- Ahh!

85
00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:47,350
...a tolerant attitude
toward your flights of lunacy.

86
00:02:47,369 --> 00:02:49,820
Adopting! Yay!

87
00:02:50,020 --> 00:03:01,420
Sync by YYeTs.net
www.addic7ed.com

88
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,770
Alex, come on. Hurry up.

89
00:03:03,804 --> 00:03:06,422
The later we are,
the more Cheryl texts me to do.

90
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,424
I'm coming, I'm coming.

91
00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:11,945
- Tell me again why the violin
just wasn't you.  - It's too happy.

92
00:03:11,979 --> 00:03:13,863
Oh, my God!

93
00:03:13,898 --> 00:03:15,315
Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

94
00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:16,983
Let's see.
It might not be a big deal.

95
00:03:17,034 --> 00:03:18,932
Just... here we go.
Let's see.

96
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,901
- Oh, okay.
- Is it bad?

97
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:24,538
No, it's gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.

98
00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:25,789
Oh, honey.

99
00:03:25,824 --> 00:03:27,324
Hey, I forgot my phone.

100
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,375
Hi.

101
00:03:28,410 --> 00:03:29,877
What?

102
00:03:29,911 --> 00:03:31,128
Nothing. I love you.

103
00:03:31,163 --> 00:03:32,346
So weird.

104
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,632
You better not spill anything
on that, okay, dork?

105
00:03:34,666 --> 00:03:37,918
Relax. Half the 11th grade's
been inside this sweater.

106
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:39,386
Claire: More than anything

107
00:03:39,421 --> 00:03:42,289
I want my girls to stop fighting
and be close.

108
00:03:42,307 --> 00:03:45,236
I want them to share clothes
and do each other's hair

109
00:03:45,237 --> 00:03:46,941
and gossip about boys...

110
00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:48,403
Like I used to do with Mitchell.

111
00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:52,604
Gloria! Let's go,
let's go, let's go!

112
00:03:52,605 --> 00:03:55,402
Hey, Jay, have you noticed
a spring in my step?

113
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,691
Oh, kids say cruel things.

114
00:03:56,709 --> 00:03:58,135
That doesn't mean
you'll turn out that way.

115
00:03:58,136 --> 00:04:00,219
No. We have something in common.

116
00:04:00,254 --> 00:04:02,054
I'm seeing a younger woman.

117
00:04:02,089 --> 00:04:03,289
How much younger
are we talking about?

118
00:04:03,323 --> 00:04:05,591
13 months. Her name's Chloe.

119
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:07,883
She makes me feel
like a 5th grader again.

120
00:04:07,884 --> 00:04:08,728
Good for you, kid.

121
00:04:08,762 --> 00:04:13,199
Hmm. There they are...
my two dirty old men.

122
00:04:13,233 --> 00:04:14,970
Hey, pretty soon
you're gonna be north of 40

123
00:04:14,971 --> 00:04:16,888
and I'm gonna have to trade you
in for a newer model.

124
00:04:16,939 --> 00:04:17,939
Am I right, buddy?

125
00:04:17,973 --> 00:04:19,831
That's my mother, Jay.

126
00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:21,842
You ready?

127
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:24,478
It's such a beautiful day.
Why do we have to do this?

128
00:04:24,513 --> 00:04:26,513
Because when
this thing is behind us,

129
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:28,282
it's done and we never have
to think about it again.

130
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,584
Come on.

131
00:04:29,618 --> 00:04:32,070
I went to a funeral last Saturday,
and it got me thinking

132
00:04:32,071 --> 00:04:34,305
about where Gloria and I
were gonna end up after we die.

133
00:04:34,339 --> 00:04:36,115
Yeah, it's been a fun week.

134
00:04:36,116 --> 00:04:37,316
I don't like loose ends.

135
00:04:37,350 --> 00:04:38,484
So I made a few calls.

136
00:04:38,518 --> 00:04:40,986
I found these people
selling a couple of primo plots

137
00:04:41,021 --> 00:04:42,538
in the best cemetery in town.

138
00:04:42,589 --> 00:04:44,757
Not that I'm gonna go there
anytime soon.

139
00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,258
Don't be so sure...

140
00:04:46,293 --> 00:04:47,927
with all the bacon that he eats.

141
00:04:47,961 --> 00:04:49,895
Well, got to give
my cholesterol pills

142
00:04:49,930 --> 00:04:51,296
something to do.

143
00:04:54,342 --> 00:04:55,767
Mm. I don't care
how much they promote it,

144
00:04:55,768 --> 00:04:56,602
kale is a garnish.

145
00:04:56,636 --> 00:04:58,471
It's not ready to anchor a meal.

146
00:04:58,505 --> 00:04:59,422
Look at this.

147
00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:01,594
Oh, my God! Lily's little hat

148
00:05:01,595 --> 00:05:03,946
that we bought her
at the airport in Vietnam.

149
00:05:03,981 --> 00:05:05,205
Remember how cute
she looked in that?

150
00:05:05,206 --> 00:05:06,198
Remember how I used to wear it

151
00:05:06,233 --> 00:05:08,634
and walk around and
act like I had a giant head?

152
00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:10,169
- Mm-hmm. That was good acting.
- Oh...

153
00:05:10,187 --> 00:05:11,337
So, what are you doing?

154
00:05:11,355 --> 00:05:13,222
I'm putting together
a little scrapbook

155
00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:14,607
of how Lily became ours.

156
00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,308
You know, her adoption certificate,

157
00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:18,177
some pictures of her
from her village...

158
00:05:18,211 --> 00:05:20,746
All out in the open,
so she has nothing to be ashamed of.

159
00:05:20,764 --> 00:05:21,964
You leaving that on all day?

160
00:05:21,999 --> 00:05:24,216
You know, and I'm also
gonna write a little storybook...

161
00:05:24,251 --> 00:05:25,464
You know, something
I can read her at bedtime.

162
00:05:25,465 --> 00:05:27,278
It's called
"Two monkeys and a panda."

163
00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:29,602
She's the panda
because she's Asian.

164
00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:32,220
- And we're monkeys because...
- I can draw monkeys.

165
00:05:32,239 --> 00:05:34,523
Okay, well, I think
this is a great project,

166
00:05:34,541 --> 00:05:36,642
and I believe you
are gonna finish it.

167
00:05:36,676 --> 00:05:39,028
- Oh, my God.
- What?

168
00:05:39,062 --> 00:05:41,413
Lily's adoption certificate.

169
00:05:41,448 --> 00:05:43,832
- Her name is "Lily Tucker Pritchett."
- Right.

170
00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:47,486
Not "Tucker-Pritchett"
like it's supposed to be.

171
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,072
First name... "Lily."
Middle name... "Tucker."

172
00:05:50,106 --> 00:05:51,373
Last name... "Pritchett."

173
00:05:51,407 --> 00:05:52,675
Well, that can't be right.

174
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:54,476
This is a legal document!

175
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,723
She only has your last name.

176
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:58,524
M... m...my name
is just a middle name!

177
00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,558
Stay calm. Don't get upset.

178
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,527
Nobody knows
anyone's middle name!

179
00:06:01,545 --> 00:06:03,028
- Quick... what's my middle name?
- Scott.

180
00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:04,463
Of course you know mine.
We're a couple!

181
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,799
Okay, look,
t...this is obviously a mistake.

182
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,101
But you're the one
who filled out this paperwork.

183
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,486
You don't make mistakes like this.

184
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,738
You correct mistakes like this.

185
00:06:14,889 --> 00:06:16,723
You did this on purpose.

186
00:06:16,758 --> 00:06:17,891
What?

187
00:06:19,026 --> 00:06:21,027
So your name
could have top billing.

188
00:06:21,061 --> 00:06:23,062
Okay, no, I am not
gonna sit here and listen

189
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,633
to you accuse me
of something so horrible!

190
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,701
It makes so much sense now...

191
00:06:26,735 --> 00:06:29,637
Why you wanted to fill out
all these legal forms.

192
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:30,971
Okay, well, I'm a lawyer!

193
00:06:30,989 --> 00:06:32,607
I fill out all the legal forms,

194
00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:35,076
ever since you signed up
for a 12-year gym membership!

195
00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:36,577
The more you spend,
the more you save!

196
00:06:39,522 --> 00:06:40,922
All the women at work were
too busy to use this certificate,

197
00:06:42,398 --> 00:06:43,876
so I called the spa

198
00:06:43,877 --> 00:06:46,211
and asked them
to extend the expiration date.

199
00:06:46,246 --> 00:06:47,880
But they said no.

200
00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:50,009
Really?

201
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,645
Here's something
they didn't count on.

202
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:56,081
You mess with Phil Dunphy,
the claws come out.

203
00:06:59,063 --> 00:07:00,864
You have very nice hands.

204
00:07:00,865 --> 00:07:02,499
Soft like lady's.

205
00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:05,802
Thank you, Kim.
I appreciate that.

206
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:08,539
My wife never seems to notice.

207
00:07:13,174 --> 00:07:15,892
This is it!
Ta-da!

208
00:07:15,943 --> 00:07:17,527
What is ta-da?

209
00:07:17,578 --> 00:07:19,879
I'm just saying this is it.
Ta-da.

210
00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:21,150
"Ta-da" is when you do a flip

211
00:07:21,151 --> 00:07:24,816
or where the magician
cuts the pretty lady in half,

212
00:07:24,939 --> 00:07:26,489
not when you show someone

213
00:07:26,523 --> 00:07:28,725
where you want
to shove their dead body.

214
00:07:28,759 --> 00:07:30,960
I'm not gonna argue
the proper use of "ta-da."

215
00:07:30,995 --> 00:07:32,011
This is it.

216
00:07:32,062 --> 00:07:34,147
Seriously?
In the file cabinet?

217
00:07:34,198 --> 00:07:35,331
It's called a crypt.

218
00:07:35,366 --> 00:07:37,684
And how are you
not getting how great this is?

219
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,602
We're four down
from Bugsy Siegel.

220
00:07:39,636 --> 00:07:41,437
No. I'm not going into any wall.

221
00:07:41,472 --> 00:07:42,839
I'm going in the ground.

222
00:07:42,873 --> 00:07:43,873
Sorry, not me.

223
00:07:43,891 --> 00:07:45,341
There's enough to not like about death

224
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,843
without adding dirt and worms.

225
00:07:46,861 --> 00:07:48,611
The whole thing
gives me the willies.

226
00:07:48,629 --> 00:07:50,680
You die, you go to the ground.

227
00:07:50,714 --> 00:07:53,149
Is natural.
You go back to the earth.

228
00:07:53,183 --> 00:07:56,236
Here, you're just
a mushy bag of bones

229
00:07:56,287 --> 00:07:58,071
rotting away for all eternity!

230
00:08:00,757 --> 00:08:02,724
Sorry for your loss.

231
00:08:03,117 --> 00:08:05,058
Can we get the hell out of here?

232
00:08:05,059 --> 00:08:06,643
What am I supposed to tell the guy?

233
00:08:06,678 --> 00:08:08,595
Tell them we don't want our bodies

234
00:08:08,630 --> 00:08:11,647
inside these drawers
where God cannot find us!

235
00:08:11,648 --> 00:08:13,007
These are not like
our drawers at home.

236
00:08:13,008 --> 00:08:14,875
People can find things in these.

237
00:08:15,545 --> 00:08:17,260
I'm thinking of getting bangs.

238
00:08:17,312 --> 00:08:19,245
Ooh, you totally should.

239
00:08:19,246 --> 00:08:20,714
You would be so cute with bangs.

240
00:08:20,748 --> 00:08:22,382
You have the face for it. I don't.

241
00:08:23,919 --> 00:08:25,052
Oh, there's my better half.

242
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,904
Kim, would you mind?

243
00:08:27,304 --> 00:08:28,338
Thank you

244
00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:29,824
Hey, honey. Where are you?

245
00:08:29,858 --> 00:08:31,609
Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.

246
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:32,793
Oh, uh, did you know

247
00:08:32,828 --> 00:08:34,762
Karen and Richard Carpenter
grew up in Downey?

248
00:08:34,796 --> 00:08:37,882
What random and
not-helpful fact, Phil.

249
00:08:38,587 --> 00:08:41,189
I'm sorry. I'm...
I'm having kind of a rough day.

250
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,974
Yeah, I'm kind of having
a rough day myself.

251
00:08:45,427 --> 00:08:47,512
Look, Phil, I need you
to take care of dinner for me.

252
00:08:47,546 --> 00:08:48,746
What's wrong?

253
00:08:48,781 --> 00:08:50,598
Oh, Alex ripped
Haley's favorite sweater,

254
00:08:50,649 --> 00:08:52,784
and now I'm driving around
from store to store,

255
00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:55,253
trying to find the exact
same one before Haley finds out.

256
00:08:55,287 --> 00:08:57,772
Don't do that. Just explain
to her what happened.

257
00:08:57,823 --> 00:08:59,357
Mnh-mnh.
Haley's not gonna understand.

258
00:08:59,391 --> 00:09:02,583
- Sure, she will.
- No, Phil, you don't understand.

259
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,336
I'm trying to avoid this
turning into a whole big thing.

260
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,737
Then just get her
something close.

261
00:09:06,771 --> 00:09:08,138
She'll never know the difference.

262
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:10,007
Phil, could you just
take care of dinner, sweetie?

263
00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:11,342
That's all I'm asking.
That's it.

264
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:13,711
I'm just saying, there's
a simpler way to do this.

265
00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:15,713
There is no simpler way.
Just make dinner!

266
00:09:15,747 --> 00:09:16,680
Thank you.

267
00:09:16,715 --> 00:09:17,648
Hello?

268
00:09:22,050 --> 00:09:22,872
What?

269
00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:26,077
Mr. Pritchett...

270
00:09:26,111 --> 00:09:27,712
We're the Rutledges,

271
00:09:27,746 --> 00:09:29,514
the ones selling the spots.

272
00:09:29,548 --> 00:09:31,432
Hi. Hi.

273
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:33,167
Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.

274
00:09:33,202 --> 00:09:35,920
I hadn't heard. Martin is in.

275
00:09:35,955 --> 00:09:38,423
Well, look at that.

276
00:09:38,457 --> 00:09:40,992
I'm sorry. Is that a friend
of yours? We've made a point

277
00:09:41,026 --> 00:09:42,961
to get to know everyone
in the neighborhood.

278
00:09:42,995 --> 00:09:46,080
We think it makes it less awkward,
you know, later.

279
00:09:46,115 --> 00:09:48,049
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my wife, Gloria.

280
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,918
Oh.

281
00:09:49,952 --> 00:09:53,938
I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.

282
00:09:53,973 --> 00:09:55,773
And this is my loving wife

283
00:09:55,808 --> 00:09:58,276
and devoted mother of three, Winnie.

284
00:09:58,310 --> 00:09:59,811
She'll be here.

285
00:09:59,878 --> 00:10:01,779
I don't know what
our lineup is yet.

286
00:10:01,814 --> 00:10:04,864
But at home,
I sleep on the right side,

287
00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:06,065
so probably there.

288
00:10:06,116 --> 00:10:08,117
We don't mean to be rude,

289
00:10:08,135 --> 00:10:11,392
but you seem to be much
younger than your husband.

290
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,954
- You're not rude. I'm very much younger.
- Is that a problem?

291
00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:16,307
Well, it's just that
there's a good chance,

292
00:10:16,358 --> 00:10:18,859
uh, you'll be moving in
long before she would.

293
00:10:18,893 --> 00:10:22,296
Our concern is,
your wife remarries,

294
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,632
and she wants to be laid to rest
with her new husband.

295
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,701
So she sells this spot
to the highest bidder.

296
00:10:27,736 --> 00:10:30,337
And we're left lying
next to a complete stranger,

297
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:33,040
without even so much
as a formal "how do you do?"

298
00:10:33,074 --> 00:10:34,523
Gloria, tell them you're in.

299
00:10:35,138 --> 00:10:39,040
I don't know, Jay.
I think they have a very good point.

300
00:10:39,075 --> 00:10:41,242
And they're not crazy at all.

301
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:43,044
What do you mean
they have a good point?

302
00:10:43,078 --> 00:10:44,746
I don't think
this is going to work.

303
00:10:44,780 --> 00:10:47,449
Good luck getting someone
into your drawers.

304
00:10:52,925 --> 00:10:54,248
It occurs to me

305
00:10:54,249 --> 00:10:56,984
that I may have gotten
a little too upset

306
00:10:57,019 --> 00:10:59,170
and jumped to some conclusions

307
00:10:59,204 --> 00:11:01,355
that were perhaps not true.

308
00:11:01,390 --> 00:11:03,491
I realize now that you would

309
00:11:03,525 --> 00:11:06,648
never intentionally
do something so unthinkable.

310
00:11:06,649 --> 00:11:08,049
So...

311
00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:11,653
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for accusing you.

312
00:11:12,404 --> 00:11:13,117
I did it.

313
00:11:13,118 --> 00:11:14,835
I knew it! You two-faced...

314
00:11:14,886 --> 00:11:16,670
- Let me explain.
- There is...

315
00:11:16,705 --> 00:11:19,073
there is no explanation.
There is just no excuse.

316
00:11:19,107 --> 00:11:20,291
I just want to know why!

317
00:11:20,325 --> 00:11:23,704
Okay, y... you know how,
um, s... some women say

318
00:11:23,705 --> 00:11:26,023
that they forget
how painful childbirth was?

319
00:11:26,058 --> 00:11:28,659
Well, I... I... I think
that you are forgetting

320
00:11:28,693 --> 00:11:30,410
how panicked you were
before we got Lily.

321
00:11:30,411 --> 00:11:32,911
- You were freaking out.
- I was not!

322
00:11:32,946 --> 00:11:35,180
Okay, so, it says that
we can put the mattress

323
00:11:35,215 --> 00:11:36,632
at one of three different levels.

324
00:11:36,666 --> 00:11:38,283
- Which one should we do?
- I don't know.

325
00:11:38,318 --> 00:11:40,285
Well, just think about
how far down she should be.

326
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,681
- How far...
- I don't know! I can't do this!

327
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:47,084
Okay.

328
00:11:47,118 --> 00:11:49,026
Oh, this latch system is great.

329
00:11:49,027 --> 00:11:50,411
What did people do before this?

330
00:11:50,445 --> 00:11:51,861
I don't know!
Stop asking me questions!

331
00:11:51,862 --> 00:11:54,252
- Cam...
- I can't do this! I can't!

332
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:56,767
Okay, well, I...

333
00:11:56,818 --> 00:11:59,069
I don't see what that
has to do with anything.

334
00:11:59,104 --> 00:12:01,572
I... I was scared that...
that it was just gonna all be

335
00:12:01,606 --> 00:12:03,941
too much for you and
that you were gonna leave.

336
00:12:03,992 --> 00:12:06,992
And then I would be the one
taking care of a baby

337
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,511
and half of her last name

338
00:12:08,545 --> 00:12:10,746
would belong
to the guy who left us.

339
00:12:12,582 --> 00:12:13,916
It was a mistake. I'm sorry.

340
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,301
I... I wanted to have it changed,

341
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,969
but I needed
to get your signature,

342
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:19,004
and I was afraid that
it would start a big fight

343
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:20,389
and that you would hate me and...

344
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:25,189
OK, I'm confused...

345
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:27,434
you're saying that if she
tells me she has a problem,

346
00:12:27,435 --> 00:12:28,835
I'm not supposed to help her?

347
00:12:28,869 --> 00:12:30,536
Not unless she asks for your help.

348
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:32,020
But if she lets me help her,

349
00:12:32,021 --> 00:12:33,306
I can make her problem go away.

350
00:12:34,939 --> 00:12:36,756
That is such a male thing to say.

351
00:12:36,791 --> 00:12:39,192
- Well, forgive me for being a man.
- Mm.

352
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:40,710
Mango or kiwi?

353
00:12:40,745 --> 00:12:42,128
Ooh, kiwi.

354
00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:45,265
When you say, you know,
"do this or do that,"

355
00:12:45,316 --> 00:12:47,684
all she's hearing is,
"I'm smarter than you."

356
00:12:47,702 --> 00:12:50,053
- Believe me, she doesn't think that.
- Mm.

357
00:12:50,087 --> 00:12:52,088
She doesn't want you
to solve her problems.

358
00:12:52,122 --> 00:12:54,190
She just wants you
to give her support

359
00:12:54,225 --> 00:12:56,126
so that she can solve
her problems herself.

360
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,078
Yes, and sometimes...

361
00:12:58,129 --> 00:13:00,930
sometimes she just wants
a sympathetic ear.

362
00:13:00,964 --> 00:13:03,099
- Whoa. Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.

363
00:13:03,134 --> 00:13:04,601
Maybe it's all the creams,

364
00:13:04,635 --> 00:13:07,137
but that just made sense,
girlfriends.

365
00:13:07,807 --> 00:13:11,226
So if Claire says,
"I hate getting stuck in traffic,"

366
00:13:11,261 --> 00:13:14,680
- I shouldn't say, "maybe u should
leave earlier"... - No.

367
00:13:14,714 --> 00:13:16,581
- Or, "don't get on the freeway."
- No.

368
00:13:16,616 --> 00:13:20,251
I should just say,
"I know. It's so frustrating."

369
00:13:20,270 --> 00:13:21,637
- Yes! That's it!
- Really?

370
00:13:21,688 --> 00:13:22,921
Yes! Yes!

371
00:13:22,956 --> 00:13:24,923
And... and if she says, uh, uh...

372
00:13:24,958 --> 00:13:26,925
"The waiter I had today
was so rude,"

373
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,061
I shouldn't say,
"maybe you should just order

374
00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:30,963
- something on the menu for once."
- No.

375
00:13:30,997 --> 00:13:33,649
I should just say,
"what a jerk."

376
00:13:33,683 --> 00:13:35,233
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah!

377
00:13:35,268 --> 00:13:38,464
And if she says, "Phil,
the TV's driving me crazy,"

378
00:13:38,465 --> 00:13:39,766
I should just say, "I know!

379
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,502
There is not enough
quality programming for women."

380
00:13:42,536 --> 00:13:45,688
No! Turn off the damn TV.

381
00:13:45,739 --> 00:13:48,151
Okay, now I'm confused again.

382
00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:52,111
So, I heard you had
a rough time today.

383
00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:53,380
Yeah, well...

384
00:13:53,414 --> 00:13:55,582
Remember the days when
we thought we'd live forever?

385
00:13:55,616 --> 00:13:56,933
Don't you want to go play?

386
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:58,001
When do I ever play?

387
00:13:58,577 --> 00:13:59,794
I'm kind of wrestling

388
00:13:59,828 --> 00:14:02,047
with this whole "older man,
younger woman" thing.

389
00:14:02,081 --> 00:14:03,977
It's like Chloe and I
grew up in different worlds.

390
00:14:03,978 --> 00:14:05,828
Today I made a joke
about the wiggles.

391
00:14:05,863 --> 00:14:08,131
- It went right over her head.
- I don't know what that is.

392
00:14:08,165 --> 00:14:10,033
It's an expression...
means she didn't get it.

393
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:14,995
Yeah, it sometimes...
this age thing...

394
00:14:15,030 --> 00:14:16,313
knocks you in the head.

395
00:14:16,365 --> 00:14:17,782
That what this is about?

396
00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:21,239
I always knew your mother
might remarry after I'm gone.

397
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,607
That never bothered me.

398
00:14:22,641 --> 00:14:25,427
I figured her husbands
would be your dad, me,

399
00:14:25,461 --> 00:14:27,912
and some putz who
could never live up to me.

400
00:14:27,947 --> 00:14:29,847
But what if I'm not the main guy?

401
00:14:29,865 --> 00:14:31,349
What if some other guy is?

402
00:14:31,383 --> 00:14:33,084
What if I'm the putz?

403
00:14:33,118 --> 00:14:35,270
When my mom and dad
got divorced,

404
00:14:35,304 --> 00:14:38,389
do you have any idea
how many guys chased after her?

405
00:14:38,424 --> 00:14:40,492
The phone didn't stop ringing.

406
00:14:40,526 --> 00:14:42,427
Men would stop her on the street.

407
00:14:42,461 --> 00:14:44,829
Guys would propose to her
from moving cars.

408
00:14:44,863 --> 00:14:47,298
They were good-looking guys, Jay...
with money.

409
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,266
I think one of them
was a Kennedy.

410
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:49,901
Where are you going with this?

411
00:14:50,588 --> 00:14:53,357
When you showed up,
I didn't think you had a prayer.

412
00:14:53,391 --> 00:14:56,143
You were so nervous and sweaty,
I felt sorry for you.

413
00:14:56,177 --> 00:14:58,078
I had to climb
three flights of stairs.

414
00:14:58,113 --> 00:15:00,714
But of all people,
my mom fell for you.

415
00:15:00,765 --> 00:15:02,182
I got a few moves.

416
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:04,067
She said she fell in love
with you during your first fight.

417
00:15:04,101 --> 00:15:06,804
- What?
- She said she'd finally met her match.

418
00:15:06,838 --> 00:15:08,372
Oh.

419
00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,055
So if you think she's
just gonna replace you

420
00:15:11,056 --> 00:15:11,875
when you're gone,

421
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,293
then you are the putz.

422
00:15:13,882 --> 00:15:17,034
Thanks, kid, I appreciate that.

423
00:15:18,303 --> 00:15:19,720
I thought you liked me
when I first showed up.

424
00:15:19,754 --> 00:15:21,138
Please. For the first month,

425
00:15:21,172 --> 00:15:23,107
I didn't even bother
to learn your name.

426
00:15:24,626 --> 00:15:27,294
- Is she back yet?
- She's on her way.

427
00:15:27,329 --> 00:15:28,746
- Did you find it?
- I did.

428
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,180
At the fifth store I went to.

429
00:15:30,215 --> 00:15:32,349
It was in the window,
and I had to undress a mannequin

430
00:15:32,383 --> 00:15:33,684
while a creepy guy filmed it,

431
00:15:33,718 --> 00:15:35,819
- so we have to look forward
to on the Internet. - Ugh.

432
00:15:35,837 --> 00:15:38,138
- Thank you so much, mom.
- You're welcome.

433
00:15:38,173 --> 00:15:40,424
Now, go put that exactly where
you found the other one, okay?

434
00:15:40,458 --> 00:15:41,842
Okay. Mwah.

435
00:15:43,261 --> 00:15:44,378
Uh-oh.

436
00:15:44,412 --> 00:15:46,530
- What?
- The security tag... it's still on!

437
00:15:46,564 --> 00:15:48,332
I told those people
to take that off.

438
00:15:48,366 --> 00:15:50,250
- Oh, no.
- She's pulling into the driveway!

439
00:15:50,285 --> 00:15:51,502
Okay. It's fine. It's fine.

440
00:15:51,536 --> 00:15:52,970
Don't panic.
I've got it. I've got it.

441
00:15:53,004 --> 00:15:55,205
- She's getting out of the car!
- All right! I am doing it!

442
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,507
I've almost got it. I...
Oh, God! Oh, no!

443
00:15:57,525 --> 00:15:59,493
- What is that?!
- Well, it's ink.

444
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,378
- Aah!
- Hide it. Hide it.

445
00:16:01,413 --> 00:16:04,298
- She's in the house!
- What are you doing with my sweater?

446
00:16:04,349 --> 00:16:05,766
Oh, my God! It's ruined!

447
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,101
It was an accident!

448
00:16:07,135 --> 00:16:09,317
I knew this would happen, you idiot!

449
00:16:09,318 --> 00:16:11,420
Hey, hey! Let's try to get along.

450
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,188
I wish she was never even born!

451
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:16,141
They were trying
to make one with a brain!

452
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:18,327
- Not fair!
- Honey, you guys are both...

453
00:16:18,361 --> 00:16:21,063
oh... pretty smart.

454
00:16:21,097 --> 00:16:22,665
Ohh...

455
00:16:22,699 --> 00:16:24,566
Geez.

456
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,335
It's that sweater, huh?

457
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,354
Yeah. It is that sweater.

458
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,407
And I did everything I can
to stop them from fighting.

459
00:16:31,441 --> 00:16:32,508
I don't understand

460
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:34,777
why they can't see
how much you love them.

461
00:16:34,811 --> 00:16:35,911
I don't know.

462
00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:38,374
Meanwhile, Cheryl
has be calling me all day

463
00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:40,359
because she's angry
I didn't show up.

464
00:16:40,394 --> 00:16:42,762
Doesn't Cheryl have
a housekeeper and a nanny?

465
00:16:42,796 --> 00:16:44,414
Why does she need so much help?

466
00:16:44,465 --> 00:16:46,099
I know, right?

467
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,351
You work so hard.

468
00:16:48,402 --> 00:16:50,203
You do so much.

469
00:16:50,237 --> 00:16:51,804
I do.

470
00:16:51,839 --> 00:16:53,089
Of course you do.

471
00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:54,674
I do.

472
00:16:54,708 --> 00:16:56,876
I do.

473
00:16:58,313 --> 00:17:00,681
Oh, sweetie, thank you.

474
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:02,700
I really appreciate that.

475
00:17:05,303 --> 00:17:06,353
Hey.

476
00:17:06,388 --> 00:17:07,354
Yeah?

477
00:17:07,389 --> 00:17:08,389
Who's my gal?

478
00:17:08,423 --> 00:17:09,673
I am.

479
00:17:09,708 --> 00:17:11,075
Darn right. Yeah.

480
00:17:11,126 --> 00:17:13,026
Mwah!

481
00:17:13,044 --> 00:17:14,328
Oh. Let me get this.

482
00:17:14,362 --> 00:17:15,646
Hey, by the way...

483
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,970
notice anything
different about me?

484
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,722
Unh-unh.

485
00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:22,441
Huh.

486
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,159
- Hmm.
- What is it?

487
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:25,410
Nothing.

488
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,762
- A haircut?
- A week ago.

489
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,481
Okay, so, tell me.

490
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,283
Forget it. It's not important.

491
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:34,235
- Okay.
- I'll just go start dinner.

492
00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:38,890
Listen, I've been thinking.

493
00:17:38,941 --> 00:17:40,375
When I go,

494
00:17:40,409 --> 00:17:42,511
I want you to know...

495
00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:44,880
it's okay if you marry
someone else.

496
00:17:44,914 --> 00:17:46,314
I know.

497
00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:48,950
Because I want you be happy.

498
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,051
I'll be happy.

499
00:17:50,086 --> 00:17:52,058
You're driving me crazy
on purpose, right?

500
00:17:52,059 --> 00:17:54,276
Jay, I'm not going
to marry anyone else.

501
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:55,477
That's what you say now,

502
00:17:55,495 --> 00:17:57,596
but no one knows
what the future holds.

503
00:17:57,630 --> 00:17:59,264
So I want you to have this.

504
00:17:59,315 --> 00:18:01,383
Look at this.

505
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,635
An empty coffee can.

506
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:06,054
Do you know what men
used to buy me?

507
00:18:06,089 --> 00:18:08,824
When I go, toss me in the fire,

508
00:18:08,858 --> 00:18:10,943
sweep up my ashes,
stick 'em in that.

509
00:18:10,944 --> 00:18:12,077
Ta-da!

510
00:18:12,128 --> 00:18:15,530
We need to talk
about this "ta-da."

511
00:18:16,253 --> 00:18:19,234
'Cause I don't care
if it's in a wall

512
00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:20,936
or if it's in the ground...

513
00:18:20,970 --> 00:18:23,222
Just as long as I end up with you.

514
00:18:23,273 --> 00:18:26,074
Oh, Jay.

515
00:18:26,993 --> 00:18:28,343
It's perfect.

516
00:18:28,378 --> 00:18:32,314
Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel
in the old coffee can.

517
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:35,934
That will drive the putz crazy.
And I like that.

518
00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:46,996
Um, so, f... for whatever it's worth,

519
00:18:47,030 --> 00:18:48,921
I... I called 
the adoption attorney...

520
00:18:48,922 --> 00:18:50,221
Adoption, yay!

521
00:18:50,239 --> 00:18:53,091
And on Monday,
they're gonna start the process

522
00:18:53,125 --> 00:18:56,311
of changing Lily's last name
to "Tucker-Pritchett."

523
00:18:56,345 --> 00:18:57,896
Great.

524
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:01,299
Again, I'm... I'm so sorry.

525
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:04,335
Okay.

526
00:19:05,538 --> 00:19:08,006
Um... oh, I, uh...

527
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,809
I took a quick pass at
"Two monkeys and a panda."

528
00:19:11,827 --> 00:19:13,628
So, just let me know
what you think.

529
00:19:13,679 --> 00:19:14,813
Um...

530
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:16,747
"Once upon a time,

531
00:19:16,765 --> 00:19:18,116
"there were two monkeys.

532
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:20,385
"They loved each other very much,

533
00:19:20,419 --> 00:19:22,153
but there was something missing."

534
00:19:22,188 --> 00:19:23,321
A hyphen?

535
00:19:24,274 --> 00:19:25,839
"They wanted a baby.

536
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,541
"And they heard that
there was a very special baby

537
00:19:28,576 --> 00:19:31,210
"in a faraway land
who needed a family.

538
00:19:31,229 --> 00:19:35,115
"She was a panda named Lily.

539
00:19:35,149 --> 00:19:36,866
"One of the monkeys was scared.

540
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:39,019
"They'd never had a panda before.

541
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,354
"But they held Lily in their arms,

542
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,758
"and the scared monkey
became the brave one.

543
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:47,915
And the two monkeys..."

544
00:19:47,916 --> 00:19:49,501
- Coco and Miko.
- I'm sorry. What?

545
00:19:49,502 --> 00:19:51,402
"Coco" and "Miko"
are the names of the monkeys.

546
00:19:51,437 --> 00:19:52,221
Really?

547
00:19:52,222 --> 00:19:53,889
That doesn't seem like
it's a little un...

548
00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:57,995
Coco and Miko.
I like that. I like that.

549
00:19:58,582 --> 00:20:00,627
Coco and Miko... yeah.

550
00:20:00,628 --> 00:20:02,010
"They traveled all the way home

551
00:20:02,011 --> 00:20:05,914
with the perfect panda
that they adopted."

552
00:20:07,170 --> 00:20:08,537
Did she just clap?

553
00:20:08,572 --> 00:20:10,406
She heard "adopted" and clapped!

554
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,575
Cam! That's amazing!

555
00:20:12,609 --> 00:20:14,160
Oh, my God! You did that!

556
00:20:14,194 --> 00:20:16,162
- Well, I don't...
- What?!

557
00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:19,865
You did that. That is amazing.
I can't believe that.

558
00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:23,252
And just like that,
peace returned to our house.

559
00:20:24,588 --> 00:20:26,922
Well, technically,
i...it's my house, but...

560
00:20:26,957 --> 00:20:29,318
I... I will... I will fix that, too.

561
00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:33,398
Once we finished writing the book,
we realized something.

562
00:20:33,421 --> 00:20:35,788
We're not the only two monkeys
with a panda.

563
00:20:35,806 --> 00:20:37,430
Gay parents are a huge market,

564
00:20:37,431 --> 00:20:39,025
and no one's writing for them.

565
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:41,394
We thought we were
sitting on a gold mine.

566
00:20:41,429 --> 00:20:43,696
But we weren't.

567
00:20:45,958 --> 00:20:47,241
Oh.

568
00:20:47,276 --> 00:20:48,676
"Gay parenting."

569
00:20:48,710 --> 00:20:49,594
Oh.

570
00:20:49,628 --> 00:20:51,679
- "Gay adoptive parenting."
- Okay.

571
00:20:51,713 --> 00:20:53,911
- "Gay adoption: Foreign children."
- Wow.

572
00:20:53,912 --> 00:20:56,004
- "Gay adoption: Asian children."
- What?

573
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:58,292
"Bisexual adoption: Asian children."

574
00:20:58,293 --> 00:21:01,355
"Transgendered adoption."

575
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,541
Okay, come on.
Let's go, Miko.

576
00:21:03,741 --> 00:21:12,441
Sync by YYeTs.net
www.addic7ed.com