1
00:00:00,108 --> 00:00:02,508
Joe, you're going to see
your first snow.

2
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:06,337
- It's so exciting!
- I can't wait to make a snow person!

3
00:00:06,798 --> 00:00:07,931
"Person"?

4
00:00:07,999 --> 00:00:09,899
We got to get him
out of that hippie school.

5
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,067
I don't know, Jay.

6
00:00:11,135 --> 00:00:13,435
Last report card,
he got straight dolphins.

7
00:00:13,504 --> 00:00:16,138
Christmas in Colombia
was always hot and loud,

8
00:00:16,207 --> 00:00:19,141
people arguing,
betrayal, schemes.

9
00:00:19,210 --> 00:00:21,877
So I rented a mountain cabin
for the whole family

10
00:00:21,946 --> 00:00:24,479
to celebrate my first Christmas
as an American.

11
00:00:24,548 --> 00:00:26,481
I want a white Christmas,

12
00:00:26,550 --> 00:00:29,418
you know,
like white people have.

13
00:00:30,145 --> 00:00:31,845
Hey, want to hit
the pipe one more time

14
00:00:31,914 --> 00:00:33,180
before we get on the road?

15
00:00:33,249 --> 00:00:34,815
Um, yeah.
Couldn't hurt.

16
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:39,386
♪ Silent night ♪

17
00:00:39,455 --> 00:00:41,455
♪ holy night ♪

18
00:00:41,523 --> 00:00:42,890
Oh, my god, we are killing it!

19
00:00:42,958 --> 00:00:45,692
Last Christmas, Mitchell and I
thought it would be fun

20
00:00:45,761 --> 00:00:48,028
to sing a little Christmas Carol
for the family.

21
00:00:48,097 --> 00:00:49,796
Unfortunately, it didn't go

22
00:00:49,865 --> 00:00:53,600
so well because somebody had
a little too much to drink.

23
00:00:55,671 --> 00:00:57,271
Stop doing that.
I was nervous.

24
00:00:57,339 --> 00:00:59,907
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

25
00:00:59,975 --> 00:01:02,376
♪ fa la-la, la-la,
la-la, la, la ♪

26
00:01:02,444 --> 00:01:05,145
♪ don we now our gay apparel ♪

27
00:01:05,214 --> 00:01:06,680
♪ fa la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

28
00:01:06,749 --> 00:01:07,749
Mitchell?

29
00:01:09,084 --> 00:01:11,851
The family has been mocking us
relentlessly all year.

30
00:01:11,874 --> 00:01:13,707
Nicknames like Screeches & Herb,

31
00:01:13,776 --> 00:01:15,910
Simon & God-awful,
Nickelback.

32
00:01:15,978 --> 00:01:17,711
But we're gonna
redeem ourselves this year.

33
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:19,947
We have been rehearsing
our new number for months,

34
00:01:20,016 --> 00:01:22,349
and we will debut it
at the cabin

35
00:01:22,418 --> 00:01:25,219
as a special holiday "screw you"
to the family.

36
00:01:25,894 --> 00:01:27,527
Hey, Marty, listen,

37
00:01:27,595 --> 00:01:30,229
it's your hotel,
but a walnut closet

38
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:32,298
is a place your guests want
to hang their clothes.

39
00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,967
A particleboard closet --
They want to hang themselves.

40
00:01:35,036 --> 00:01:37,069
All this closet stuff
is driving me nuts.

41
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:38,471
I want to get annoyed,

42
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:40,306
but it's hard when I feel
this comfortable.

43
00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:42,241
Oh, god, he's gonna talk about
his new coat again.

44
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:44,944
It's like getting a big,
warm hug from a mama sheep.

45
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,306
Nothing feels
like pure sheepskin.

46
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,674
The gal at the store said

47
00:01:48,743 --> 00:01:50,509
I looked
like Kris Kristofferson.

48
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,844
We don't know who that is.

49
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,445
I have
so much lab homework

50
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:54,880
to get done during this break.

51
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,382
If it were up to me,

52
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,784
Christmas wouldn't
even come this year.

53
00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:01,019
Any chance you could sound more
like a cartoon villain?

54
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:04,423
Come on, Alex, it's three
solid days of winter fun.

55
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,392
We're gonna go sledding,
skating,

56
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,193
ice-fishing,
make snow angels.

57
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,629
Who's with me?!
Snow, snow!

58
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,299
Snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow, snow, snow!

59
00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:16,447
Snow?

60
00:02:16,516 --> 00:02:18,082
No, that's a leaf.

61
00:02:18,152 --> 00:02:19,618
It's hotter here than at home.

62
00:02:19,687 --> 00:02:21,127
Gloria,
in your little daily e-mails,

63
00:02:21,155 --> 00:02:22,354
you said it was gonna be cold.

64
00:02:22,423 --> 00:02:23,889
That's what my phone said.

65
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:25,958
- You're on Celsius.
- Oh.

66
00:02:26,027 --> 00:02:28,661
It's going to be hot, guys!

67
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:40,713
Sync and corrections by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

68
00:02:42,042 --> 00:02:43,376
Oh, is the furnace on?!

69
00:02:43,737 --> 00:02:44,936
Phil, take off that jacket.

70
00:02:45,005 --> 00:02:46,872
You're making me hot
just looking at you.

71
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,607
Saleslady said
that would happen.

72
00:02:48,675 --> 00:02:50,642
Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber.

73
00:02:50,711 --> 00:02:53,378
Something about the coat
just knows what my body needs.

74
00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:55,013
You're sweating
like a heroin addict.

75
00:02:55,082 --> 00:02:58,016
Oh, hey, look, a piano.

76
00:02:58,085 --> 00:03:00,585
Maybe we can get a little song
from The Crapenters.

77
00:03:04,024 --> 00:03:05,524
- Hey.
- Be cool.

78
00:03:05,592 --> 00:03:06,912
Andy's fiancée, Beth,
has to work,

79
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,360
so Gloria invited him
for Christmas,

80
00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:10,195
which
is complicated

81
00:03:10,264 --> 00:03:12,764
because we've been having sex
and nobody knows about it.

82
00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:15,033
I mean, we know.

83
00:03:15,102 --> 00:03:16,835
My family
cannot find out about us.

84
00:03:16,904 --> 00:03:18,470
I'm certainly not
gonna tell them.

85
00:03:18,539 --> 00:03:19,805
I still have their respect.

86
00:03:19,873 --> 00:03:22,374
Andy, chop-chop.
Joe's making his bathroom face.

87
00:03:22,442 --> 00:03:24,743
All right, let's just go home.
I mean, it's hot.

88
00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:27,679
There's no Wi-Fi.
- Alex, stop being the Grinch.

89
00:03:27,748 --> 00:03:31,283
If that is the worst problem,
then Merry Christmas.

90
00:03:31,351 --> 00:03:33,084
Oh, thank god you made it!

91
00:03:33,153 --> 00:03:36,822
I thought you'd gotten
into a horrible car accident!

92
00:03:36,890 --> 00:03:38,356
Wait a second.

93
00:03:38,425 --> 00:03:41,493
You're not Trip, Tad, Lois,
Darcy, and Marlene.

94
00:03:41,562 --> 00:03:43,628
- No, we're other names.
- Who are you?

95
00:03:43,697 --> 00:03:45,096
Fig Wilson.

96
00:03:45,165 --> 00:03:47,465
My family's been coming here
for the holidays for years.

97
00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:49,501
We rented this cabin
from the Wilsons.

98
00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:51,703
- They are in Hawaii.
- Nobody told me that.

99
00:03:51,772 --> 00:03:54,239
Okay, well, bye-bye.

100
00:03:54,308 --> 00:03:55,907
How could they abandon me?

101
00:03:55,976 --> 00:03:57,976
Uh, I'm the most caring one
in the family.

102
00:03:58,045 --> 00:03:59,978
I warn them about cancer.

103
00:04:00,047 --> 00:04:03,181
I buy their fat kids clothes
in aspirational sizes.

104
00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,917
I invite them all
to my dogs' funerals.

105
00:04:05,986 --> 00:04:08,053
Last one ran straight
into traffic.

106
00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:09,387
I can see that.

107
00:04:09,456 --> 00:04:11,156
Is it possible
the invitation got lost?

108
00:04:11,225 --> 00:04:13,725
I mean...
You seem great.

109
00:04:13,794 --> 00:04:17,729
Well, I guess I'll just get
my bags and walk down the hill.

110
00:04:17,798 --> 00:04:20,832
Hopefully, I'll get to the
bus station before nightfall.

111
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:23,101
It's wolf season.

112
00:04:23,170 --> 00:04:25,237
Why don't you stay here with us?

113
00:04:25,305 --> 00:04:26,905
It's Christmas.

114
00:04:26,974 --> 00:04:28,607
Oh.

115
00:04:28,675 --> 00:04:29,975
First time I saw you,

116
00:04:30,043 --> 00:04:32,043
I thought you were
gonna be a pain in the ass,

117
00:04:32,112 --> 00:04:34,846
but it turns out
you're my favorite.

118
00:04:41,188 --> 00:04:42,954
What do you think's in here?

119
00:04:43,023 --> 00:04:45,891
No one told you the legend
of the forgotten boy?

120
00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:49,060
Happened right here
100 years ago.

121
00:04:49,129 --> 00:04:51,263
A boy was very bad,

122
00:04:51,331 --> 00:04:54,532
and his parents locked him
in this secret room

123
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:56,334
and left him here forever.

124
00:04:56,403 --> 00:04:58,036
They say at night,
you can hear him

125
00:04:58,105 --> 00:04:59,738
trying to scratch his way out.

126
00:05:01,074 --> 00:05:02,607
We got her.

127
00:05:02,676 --> 00:05:05,310
Idiots.

128
00:05:05,779 --> 00:05:07,512
That was you scratching, right?

129
00:05:08,715 --> 00:05:09,948
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.

130
00:05:10,017 --> 00:05:11,883
- No, you go.
- No, it's okay. After you.

131
00:05:11,952 --> 00:05:13,718
Here, I'll just...

132
00:05:13,787 --> 00:05:16,388
Oh, why don't I go...

133
00:05:16,456 --> 00:05:19,124
What are you guys doing --
Having a staring contest?

134
00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:20,258
I got winners!

135
00:05:20,856 --> 00:05:22,956
Later, though.
Come here.

136
00:05:23,025 --> 00:05:24,591
Andy...

137
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:26,226
I've got a very special
present for you.

138
00:05:26,295 --> 00:05:29,029
Did this guy tell you he passed
his real-estate-license test?

139
00:05:29,097 --> 00:05:30,330
I know.
I helped him cram.

140
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,632
- Ah, she's really drilling me pretty hard.
- Cool.

141
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:34,768
Listen, when I first
got into real estate,

142
00:05:34,837 --> 00:05:36,903
I worked at one of those
big firms with the blazers.

143
00:05:36,972 --> 00:05:38,338
I'd rather not say their name,

144
00:05:38,407 --> 00:05:40,573
but it rhymed with
"century not very fun."

145
00:05:40,742 --> 00:05:43,009
Anyway, I saved this.

146
00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:45,178
I'd like for you to have it.

147
00:05:45,247 --> 00:05:46,546
Wow.

148
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,334
When you wear it, remember
the values of our profession --

149
00:05:49,402 --> 00:05:52,604
Trust, honor, integrity,
fidelity, and purity.

150
00:05:54,074 --> 00:05:55,940
Are you worthy
of the blazer, Andy?

151
00:05:56,009 --> 00:05:57,208
I want to be.

152
00:05:57,854 --> 00:05:59,887
I didn't expect it
to hit this hard.

153
00:05:59,956 --> 00:06:00,855
Me either.

154
00:06:02,659 --> 00:06:04,892
Who wants eggnog?

155
00:06:04,961 --> 00:06:06,027
I'll take some.

156
00:06:06,095 --> 00:06:07,695
I had a tough week at work.

157
00:06:07,764 --> 00:06:10,298
- What do you do? - Oh, my dad
and I are in the closet business.

158
00:06:10,366 --> 00:06:13,167
I'm sorry, it almost sounded like
you said, "closet business."

159
00:06:13,236 --> 00:06:16,437
I did -- residential and
hospitality storage solutions.

160
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:17,905
Yikes.

161
00:06:17,974 --> 00:06:20,174
Hey, Specks,
I'm dying over there.

162
00:06:20,243 --> 00:06:21,275
What are you reading?

163
00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:22,710
Science stuff.
I'm sure it'll bore you.

164
00:06:22,779 --> 00:06:24,812
I teach astrophysics at M.I.T.

165
00:06:24,981 --> 00:06:26,280
Wait a minute.

166
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:28,682
- Are you F.N. Wilson?
- F-N right, I am!

167
00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:30,231
We just read your essay
on how solar flares

168
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,799
will wipe out life on earth!

169
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:34,068
Hopefully before closet lady
corners me again.

170
00:06:34,137 --> 00:06:35,770
Hey, hey, everybody's here,

171
00:06:35,838 --> 00:06:38,472
- so let's just casually make our way
over to the piano. - Okay, okay.

172
00:06:38,541 --> 00:06:40,174
Ooh, what are we drinking there,
Miss Scarlet?

173
00:06:40,243 --> 00:06:42,476
Relax. It's hot tea
for my throat.

174
00:06:42,545 --> 00:06:44,345
Oh, we should have Lily film us.

175
00:06:44,414 --> 00:06:45,913
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Lily, come here.

176
00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:48,416
Okay, so, daddy and I are about
to sing a Christmas song, and --

177
00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:49,951
- I'm gonna stop you right there.
- No, no.

178
00:06:50,019 --> 00:06:51,285
No, it's not gonna be
like last year

179
00:06:51,354 --> 00:06:54,488
because we're prepared and
we're singing "Silent Night."

180
00:06:54,557 --> 00:06:56,524
That's my favorite.
Can I sing with you?

181
00:06:56,592 --> 00:06:58,092
♪ um ♪

182
00:06:58,161 --> 00:06:59,427
Aaaaaah!

183
00:06:59,495 --> 00:07:01,162
Oh.

184
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:03,898
Can I have
everyone's attention, please?

185
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,668
I feel so lucky celebrating

186
00:07:07,737 --> 00:07:10,104
with the best damn family
any man could hope for.

187
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,529
- Aww!
- Dad.

188
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,598
- And Fig.
- Hey, all!

189
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:16,201
Gloria and I have been talking
about this for a while.

190
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,003
What with Joe getting older,
I feel it's just the right time

191
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,906
to start a new chapter,
which is why I've decided...

192
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:22,975
To retire.

193
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,409
- Oh, my.
- What?!

194
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,977
Maybe "retired" is the wrong word --

195
00:07:26,194 --> 00:07:27,426
More of a transition.

196
00:07:27,495 --> 00:07:29,662
So, when people ask,
"where's Jay Pritchett?"

197
00:07:29,731 --> 00:07:31,297
You tell them,
"he's transitioning."

198
00:07:31,366 --> 00:07:33,199
- Mm.
- Okay, I heard it, too.

199
00:07:33,268 --> 00:07:35,101
Let's go back to retiring.

200
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:36,770
Hey, we can finally
rent that R.V.

201
00:07:36,839 --> 00:07:38,572
and visit all
of the major league ballparks.

202
00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,073
You can probably go ahead
and do that alone.

203
00:07:40,141 --> 00:07:42,508
Uh, anyway, I had to ask myself,

204
00:07:42,578 --> 00:07:44,645
"who's the best person
to lead the company?"

205
00:07:45,513 --> 00:07:47,514
And the answer is obvious.

206
00:07:47,999 --> 00:07:49,832
- Chuck Feeny.
- Who?

207
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,735
Gutters and screen hot shot
out of Chicago.

208
00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:55,037
With him in charge,
we can all relax

209
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:57,974
knowing that the company
is in good hands.

210
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,675
- Claire gets a great new boss.
- Mm-hmm.

211
00:07:59,744 --> 00:08:01,911
And you all get to spend
more time with yours truly.

212
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,513
- Uh...
- Well, to this one's new boss.

213
00:08:04,582 --> 00:08:05,815
Uh...

214
00:08:05,884 --> 00:08:07,183
Claire, that's my gesturing hand.

215
00:08:07,252 --> 00:08:08,551
I need it for work.

216
00:08:09,647 --> 00:08:11,613
I work 60-hour weeks
so Chuck Feeny can have

217
00:08:11,635 --> 00:08:13,668
the corner office and
the best table at Closet Con!

218
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:14,836
Honey, you need to slow down.

219
00:08:14,904 --> 00:08:16,604
This coat
isn't quite broken in yet.

220
00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,940
Listen, you have
every right to be mad.

221
00:08:19,309 --> 00:08:21,142
Everyone knows
you deserve that job.

222
00:08:21,692 --> 00:08:23,359
And to think
of all the weekends I worked

223
00:08:23,428 --> 00:08:25,528
and the -- the family vacations
we've put off,

224
00:08:25,597 --> 00:08:27,897
not to mention the stress
and the insomnia and --

225
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,832
Come here.

226
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:33,269
- Mm.
‭- Claire, life's like a mountain road...

227
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:36,172
With a new adventure
around every corner.

228
00:08:36,541 --> 00:08:38,508
If that's the slogan for this
stupid coat, I'm gonna kill you!

229
00:08:38,576 --> 00:08:39,742
Shh! Get in here.

230
00:08:43,151 --> 00:08:45,051
- Have you seen Claire?
- No.

231
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,020
I told you this Chuck Feeny
thing was a terrible idea!

232
00:08:48,089 --> 00:08:49,322
It's a brilliant idea.

233
00:08:49,390 --> 00:08:50,690
There is no Chuck Feeny.

234
00:08:50,758 --> 00:08:53,126
I made him up because
of what happened to Don McSorley

235
00:08:53,194 --> 00:08:55,294
when he turned his company
over to his son.

236
00:08:55,363 --> 00:08:58,231
Son only took the job
because he felt obligated.

237
00:08:58,299 --> 00:09:00,533
One year later,
business went bankrupt.

238
00:09:00,602 --> 00:09:04,203
Broke my heart to buy his entire
inventory 8 cents on the dollar.

239
00:09:05,931 --> 00:09:07,063
I'm doing this for Claire.

240
00:09:07,132 --> 00:09:08,698
She'd do anything
to make me happy,

241
00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:10,867
and that's not why
I want her to take the job.

242
00:09:10,936 --> 00:09:12,569
If she wants it,
she'll fight for it.

243
00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:14,204
If not, I just gave her
an easy out.

244
00:09:14,272 --> 00:09:16,272
I can think
of 10 better ways to do this.

245
00:09:16,341 --> 00:09:17,874
Relax.
It's gonna be perfect.

246
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:19,809
She'll come to me,
demand what's hers.

247
00:09:19,878 --> 00:09:22,245
I'll tell her the truth,
big hug, perfect Christmas.

248
00:09:22,352 --> 00:09:24,185
- I'm a genius.
- You're a crazy person.

249
00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:26,821
In my village, we will tie
a tin can around your neck

250
00:09:26,890 --> 00:09:28,022
to know when you're coming.

251
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,128
♪ silent night ♪

252
00:09:34,197 --> 00:09:37,732
♪ holy night ♪

253
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,835
♪ all is calm ♪

254
00:09:40,904 --> 00:09:44,605
♪ all is bright ♪

255
00:09:44,674 --> 00:09:49,977
♪ 'round yon
virgin mother and child! ♪

256
00:09:50,145 --> 00:09:51,877
Okay, hey, hey,
I have a fun idea!

257
00:09:51,947 --> 00:09:53,947
Why don't we give Lily one
of her presents right now?

258
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,707
- Ooh, that is a fun idea, daddy.
- Yeah.

259
00:09:56,776 --> 00:09:58,375
Then she can go play with a toy

260
00:09:58,444 --> 00:10:00,745
- rather than being
with us boring, old adults. - Mm.

261
00:10:00,813 --> 00:10:02,179
How's that sound, Lily?

262
00:10:02,248 --> 00:10:04,328
I feel like you're up
to something, but I don't care.

263
00:10:04,383 --> 00:10:06,350
I want a present.
I'll take the bike-shaped one.

264
00:10:06,419 --> 00:10:08,352
Nice wrapping job, by the way.

265
00:10:08,421 --> 00:10:09,787
Uh, wasn't that for Joe?

266
00:10:09,856 --> 00:10:12,189
- Well, Joe's getting a doll now.
- All right.

267
00:10:13,926 --> 00:10:14,926
Oh, hey.

268
00:10:14,994 --> 00:10:16,393
- Hey.
- ‭

269
00:10:16,462 --> 00:10:18,495
- Gloria asked me to get some kindling.
- Mm.

270
00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:21,443
Why are you walking around
wearing next to nothing?

271
00:10:21,511 --> 00:10:22,877
It's 26 Celsius out there.

272
00:10:22,946 --> 00:10:24,045
Ah, I'm not showing any skin

273
00:10:24,114 --> 00:10:25,447
'cause I don't want
to tempt you.

274
00:10:25,515 --> 00:10:27,082
Oh, well, your gold blazer
took care of that.

275
00:10:27,150 --> 00:10:29,150
- You know you're into it.
- I know. Why?

276
00:10:29,219 --> 00:10:31,019
Damn you
and that eagle scout smile.

277
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,088
I want to take a swim
in those big doe eyes.

278
00:10:33,156 --> 00:10:34,522
This is happening.

279
00:10:34,591 --> 00:10:35,591
Mm-hmm.

280
00:10:35,892 --> 00:10:38,125
- Getting wood, Andy?
- What?!

281
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,772
Can you believe Gloria
wants a traditional fire?

282
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,206
As if it isn't hot enough
in here.

283
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,441
- Mm.
- Come on, bro.

284
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,876
Okay.

285
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,818
Hello, Lily.

286
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,186
What are you wearing?

287
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,895
Mom made us put on
our Christmas sweaters,

288
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,122
but look what we found.

289
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,191
It's a note.

290
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,929
"I'm hungry for the blood
of a little girl.

291
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,898
Signed,
the forgotten boy."

292
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,633
This is terrifying.

293
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,067
It's getting real.

294
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:13,070
The scariest thing is that
he spells like a 2-year-old.

295
00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:15,073
Wait, what?

296
00:11:17,242 --> 00:11:18,343
Dude.

297
00:11:19,309 --> 00:11:20,542
Christmas, huh?

298
00:11:20,611 --> 00:11:22,377
Who the hell came up
with this one?

299
00:11:22,447 --> 00:11:23,846
It was Emperor Constantine.

300
00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:25,181
I love it!

301
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,950
It's not easy being the smartest
person in the room.

302
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,919
My sister thinks quantum theory
is a game show,

303
00:11:29,988 --> 00:11:31,053
and my brother once tried

304
00:11:31,122 --> 00:11:32,655
to take his pants off
over his head.

305
00:11:32,724 --> 00:11:35,224
Gals like us, we see through
all the family B.S.

306
00:11:35,293 --> 00:11:37,159
We call it like we see it.

307
00:11:37,228 --> 00:11:39,028
So, if we're alone for Christmas

308
00:11:39,097 --> 00:11:41,430
and birthdays and weekends,
it's their loss.

309
00:11:41,599 --> 00:11:44,633
Gals like us
we don't need anyone.

310
00:11:44,802 --> 00:11:47,136
I'm not big on mysticism,
but, clearly,

311
00:11:47,205 --> 00:11:49,038
this woman was
my ghost of Christmas future.

312
00:11:49,106 --> 00:11:51,540
So, I decided
to turn things around

313
00:11:51,609 --> 00:11:53,876
and jump in
on the holiday spirit.

314
00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:56,111
Jump aboard the fun train!

315
00:11:56,180 --> 00:11:57,746
Whoo, whoo!

316
00:11:59,715 --> 00:12:01,083
That was a train.

317
00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:02,925
Something smells good!

318
00:12:02,994 --> 00:12:04,394
What?
What doesn't smell good?

319
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:06,029
No, I-I said it did.

320
00:12:06,097 --> 00:12:07,964
I am confused!
What is it that you don't like?!

321
00:12:08,033 --> 00:12:10,466
I'm just excited for dinner.
I love you guys.

322
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:12,335
Oh, don't be nasty.
We're trying our best.

323
00:12:12,404 --> 00:12:13,404
Yes!

324
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:18,808
Hey, look what I found --
A key to that secret room.

325
00:12:18,877 --> 00:12:20,409
My entire family is here.

326
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,211
Do you have any idea
how dangerous that is?

327
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,546
Meet me in two minutes.

328
00:12:26,259 --> 00:12:27,358
There she is.

329
00:12:27,274 --> 00:12:29,274
Haven't seen you since
my big announcement.

330
00:12:29,343 --> 00:12:30,475
What do you think?

331
00:12:30,544 --> 00:12:32,477
I think that I gave my all
to this company

332
00:12:32,546 --> 00:12:34,880
and that if you were gonna
hand over the reins to somebody,

333
00:12:34,948 --> 00:12:37,549
it should be me
and not some hump from Chicago!

334
00:12:37,618 --> 00:12:39,284
Well, it just so happens --

335
00:12:39,353 --> 00:12:40,686
I'm not finished, dad!

336
00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:42,421
Thank you for saving me

337
00:12:42,489 --> 00:12:44,523
from wasting the next 20 years
of my life

338
00:12:44,591 --> 00:12:48,360
talking about slats,
rods, and hinges --

339
00:12:48,428 --> 00:12:50,028
from becoming
the most boring person

340
00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:52,230
in the most boring industry
on earth!

341
00:12:52,502 --> 00:12:53,668
- "Boring"?!
- Boring!

342
00:12:53,736 --> 00:12:56,371
Closets bring order
to a chaotic world!

343
00:12:57,940 --> 00:12:59,173
- What happened?
- I'll tell you what happened.

344
00:12:59,242 --> 00:13:00,808
I raised a mean,
ungrateful daughter,

345
00:13:00,877 --> 00:13:02,757
and I'm glad I gave the business
to Chuck Feeny!

346
00:13:02,812 --> 00:13:04,879
There is no Chuck Feeny!

347
00:13:15,730 --> 00:13:17,430
Manny, Luke, knock it off!

348
00:13:17,498 --> 00:13:18,964
No one thinks it's funny!

349
00:13:20,101 --> 00:13:21,567
- Are you talking to us?
- Huh?

350
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,673
Hey, as long as everybody's
just sitting around, uh --

351
00:13:27,742 --> 00:13:29,041
Oh, they're gonna
do another one!

352
00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:31,577
Thank you, Santa Claus!

353
00:13:31,646 --> 00:13:32,878
That's hilarious.

354
00:13:32,947 --> 00:13:34,447
Hope you're having fun,
'cause that's about to end.

355
00:13:34,515 --> 00:13:36,315
Okay, stick to the scripted
patter, sweetie.

356
00:13:36,384 --> 00:13:38,918
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And a one and a two.

357
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,654
♪ silent night ♪

358
00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:43,322
Oh, my god, what was that?

359
00:13:43,391 --> 00:13:44,790
- Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
- Fine. It's no big deal.

360
00:13:44,859 --> 00:13:46,059
So, Mitchell, here we go again.

361
00:13:46,127 --> 00:13:47,960
♪ silent night ♪

362
00:13:48,529 --> 00:13:50,362
That is your daughter screaming!

363
00:13:52,033 --> 00:13:53,666
- Lily, are you okay?!
- What's going on?!

364
00:13:53,735 --> 00:13:56,335
The forgotten boy --
I heard him! He's in there!

365
00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:58,370
- All right, let's get him out, huh?
- Of course he is.

366
00:13:58,439 --> 00:14:01,307
- We'll make sure that
he doesn't bother -- - Oh, god!

367
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:03,843
Oh, god!

368
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,611
Andy?

369
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,513
Take off the blazer.

370
00:14:08,908 --> 00:14:11,074
We were just looking
for dinner napkins.

371
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:14,677
- Where? In her shirt?
- I have so many questions.

372
00:14:14,735 --> 00:14:16,535
Boys, Lily,
go play where snow would be.

373
00:14:16,604 --> 00:14:18,403
So, is this a thing?

374
00:14:18,572 --> 00:14:19,838
- Is it the first time?
- Yes!

375
00:14:19,907 --> 00:14:20,939
- No.
- Andy!

376
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,694
I-I'm sick of the lies.

377
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,163
- We've been having improper relations.
- Aren't you engaged?

378
00:14:26,172 --> 00:14:27,905
Oh, suddenly,
you're concerned about loyalty.

379
00:14:27,981 --> 00:14:29,447
Oh, you're talking to me.
Won't that bore you?

380
00:14:29,516 --> 00:14:31,516
- Apparently, I'm boring!
- Listen, everyone,

381
00:14:31,585 --> 00:14:34,352
let's not let this ruin
our beautiful holiday.

382
00:14:34,421 --> 00:14:36,153
Alex, nobody needs
your sarcasm right now!

383
00:14:36,215 --> 00:14:37,448
It's ugly, honey.

384
00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:39,850
This is Andy
and Haley's private business.

385
00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:42,653
I think we should be focused
on this special night.

386
00:14:42,722 --> 00:14:44,455
This special silent night.

387
00:14:44,524 --> 00:14:45,856
- One and a two.
- No.

388
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,159
♪ silent night ♪

389
00:14:48,227 --> 00:14:50,561
- ♪ hol-- ♪
‭- Guys, I have a surprise!

390
00:14:51,130 --> 00:14:52,797
It's Beth!

391
00:14:53,766 --> 00:14:54,498
Oh, my god.

392
00:14:55,267 --> 00:14:56,801
This is one
of my Christmas surprises.

393
00:14:56,869 --> 00:15:00,504
Andy, you can spend Christmas
with your fiancée after all!

394
00:15:00,973 --> 00:15:02,873
- Mmm, hi, bittle-battle!
- Hey, pumpkin!

395
00:15:03,127 --> 00:15:05,394
Beth, you mind if I have
a quick chitchat with your man?

396
00:15:05,463 --> 00:15:07,023
Yeah, I'll give Beth
a tour of the house

397
00:15:07,065 --> 00:15:08,698
while we get Gloria up to speed.

398
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:09,999
- Don't you just love the holidays?
‭- Yeah.

399
00:15:10,068 --> 00:15:12,802
Full of wonder and magic
and surprise and --

400
00:15:13,171 --> 00:15:14,137
What?!

401
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:16,005
Sit.

402
00:15:17,097 --> 00:15:19,104
- Mr. Dunphy, I am s--
- It's not your turn to talk.

403
00:15:19,273 --> 00:15:21,433
That's my daughter, and you're
engaged to someone else.

404
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:23,362
If this is a fling, it's over.
You understand me?

405
00:15:23,878 --> 00:15:26,211
But if this is something real,
you need to be honest with Beth.

406
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,047
It's time to step up
and be a man.

407
00:15:28,615 --> 00:15:29,648
I understand.

408
00:15:29,747 --> 00:15:30,787
Let me tell you something.

409
00:15:31,782 --> 00:15:33,181
Life is like a mountain road

410
00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:35,150
with a new adventure
around every corner.

411
00:15:36,219 --> 00:15:37,219
- Wow.
- Right?

412
00:15:37,288 --> 00:15:39,988
- Did you just think of that?
- I did.

413
00:15:54,022 --> 00:15:55,555
Seems tense.

414
00:15:57,259 --> 00:15:59,726
Your big sis
is kind of a disaster, huh?

415
00:15:59,795 --> 00:16:02,896
Fig, we are a lot alike,
like you said.

416
00:16:02,965 --> 00:16:05,432
And sometimes we can give off

417
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:07,501
a negative vibe
without meaning to.

418
00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:08,406
What's your point?

419
00:16:08,431 --> 00:16:11,195
Well, I was thinking maybe
we could make more

420
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:15,575
of an effort to be more positive
and actually enjoy Christmas.

421
00:16:15,644 --> 00:16:16,644
As a goof?

422
00:16:18,313 --> 00:16:19,713
Okay, all right, new plan.

423
00:16:20,259 --> 00:16:23,460
We wait until the whole
Haley/Andy thing blows over.

424
00:16:23,528 --> 00:16:25,595
- Everyone gets a little liquored up.
- Other people.

425
00:16:25,664 --> 00:16:28,665
And then, right before dessert,
you sit down at the piano.

426
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:29,966
- Shh!
- You --

427
00:16:30,035 --> 00:16:32,135
- ♪ silent night ♪
- What the hell is that?

428
00:16:32,204 --> 00:16:35,305
♪ holy night ♪

429
00:16:35,374 --> 00:16:38,942
♪ all is calm ♪

430
00:16:39,011 --> 00:16:42,879
♪ all is bright ♪

431
00:16:42,948 --> 00:16:48,685
♪ 'round yon virgin mother
and child ♪

432
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:50,887
- Son of a bitch!
- Mother...

433
00:16:50,956 --> 00:16:57,127
♪ Holy infant,
so tender and mild ♪

434
00:16:57,195 --> 00:17:02,832
♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪

435
00:17:04,301 --> 00:17:05,568
That's it.
I'm drinking.

436
00:17:05,837 --> 00:17:11,341
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

437
00:17:12,913 --> 00:17:14,846
- Wow.
- Aww.

438
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:19,350
That's got to hurt!

439
00:17:24,490 --> 00:17:25,856
Hey, zucchini blossom!

440
00:17:25,926 --> 00:17:27,525
Hey, popcorn shrimp, listen.

441
00:17:27,594 --> 00:17:30,528
Something is going on, and...

442
00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:33,831
as painful as it may be,
I think we should talk about it.

443
00:17:35,101 --> 00:17:37,101
You could always see through me.

444
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:39,571
- What now?
- Yes, I met someone.

445
00:17:39,639 --> 00:17:42,340
I've been dating him for
a few months behind your back.

446
00:17:43,506 --> 00:17:44,872
And I'm actually
cheating on him, too.

447
00:17:44,941 --> 00:17:46,040
You mean with me?

448
00:17:46,109 --> 00:17:47,408
No!

449
00:17:47,477 --> 00:17:48,943
No.

450
00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:50,678
Oh.

451
00:17:50,747 --> 00:17:52,379
Popcorn shrimp.

452
00:17:54,626 --> 00:17:56,393
Well, slight change of plans.

453
00:17:56,462 --> 00:17:57,794
I'm gonna be going.

454
00:17:57,863 --> 00:17:59,663
Merry Christmas, everyone.

455
00:17:59,731 --> 00:18:00,997
Bye, Beth!

456
00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:02,933
Drive safe!

457
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:04,001
Keep in touch!

458
00:18:04,036 --> 00:18:05,569
I don't see us keeping in touch.

459
00:18:05,737 --> 00:18:07,704
Hey, you broke up with Beth?

460
00:18:07,773 --> 00:18:09,873
She cheated on me.
I can't believe it.

461
00:18:09,942 --> 00:18:12,108
- Wait, you're upset?
- Of course I'm upset.

462
00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:13,376
We dated for 10 years.

463
00:18:13,645 --> 00:18:15,378
I just got stabbed in the back.

464
00:18:15,447 --> 00:18:17,547
- Welcome to the club.
- Really?

465
00:18:17,616 --> 00:18:18,948
You were stabbed in the back?

466
00:18:19,017 --> 00:18:21,584
A daughter mocking
her father's life.

467
00:18:21,653 --> 00:18:24,187
Closets aren't fascinating?
Since when?

468
00:18:24,256 --> 00:18:25,922
Want to talk about betrayal?

469
00:18:26,191 --> 00:18:28,091
How about when
somebody steals a song

470
00:18:28,159 --> 00:18:30,259
and takes it for themselveses?

471
00:18:30,428 --> 00:18:32,628
I had no idea that you guys
were gonna sing that song.

472
00:18:32,697 --> 00:18:34,330
I did.
I heard them rehearsing.

473
00:18:34,399 --> 00:18:36,666
I thought there was an animal
stuck in the wall.

474
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,801
And to think we invited you
into our home.

475
00:18:38,870 --> 00:18:40,436
We should've left you
out in the warm.

476
00:18:40,505 --> 00:18:42,305
I get that you're upset,
but remember,

477
00:18:42,373 --> 00:18:43,840
I even liked you
when you were fat.

478
00:18:43,908 --> 00:18:45,508
They give out awards
to people like me!

479
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:48,570
I gave up
a three-day trip to Cabo

480
00:18:48,639 --> 00:18:50,372
to close that Best Western deal.

481
00:18:50,441 --> 00:18:53,175
That's right.
You owe her 25 margaritas!

482
00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:54,609
- Phil!
- 21!

483
00:18:54,677 --> 00:18:56,844
- 21!
- Enough, enough, enough!

484
00:18:56,913 --> 00:18:58,679
All I wanted
was a white Christmas,

485
00:18:58,748 --> 00:19:00,581
and instead,
I'm back in Colombia --

486
00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:04,918
The heat, the betrayal,
people stealing songs!

487
00:19:05,707 --> 00:19:06,907
This ends now!

488
00:19:07,056 --> 00:19:11,025
Andy, stop whining and be
grateful that Haley likes you!

489
00:19:11,093 --> 00:19:15,161
She's a stone-cold 10,
and you're a Utah 7!

490
00:19:15,319 --> 00:19:19,088
Jay, it's time for you
and Claire to kiss and make up!

491
00:19:19,097 --> 00:19:20,763
Why doesn't he
kiss Chuck Feeny?!

492
00:19:20,832 --> 00:19:22,331
Because there's no Chuck Feeny!

493
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,500
He made it up to test you!

494
00:19:24,569 --> 00:19:27,570
And if she didn't care,
she wouldn't be this upset!

495
00:19:28,638 --> 00:19:29,538
There is no Chuck Feeny?

496
00:19:29,607 --> 00:19:33,342
It was a dumb idea, but I saw
what happened to Don McSorley!

497
00:19:33,411 --> 00:19:34,743
The crackerjack blinds guy.

498
00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:36,658
You got his whole company
for 8 cents on the dollar.

499
00:19:36,726 --> 00:19:38,660
I bought his photocopier
for 7 bucks.

500
00:19:38,728 --> 00:19:41,062
I always hoped
you'd take over the company.

501
00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:42,730
There's no one I trust
more than you.

502
00:19:42,799 --> 00:19:44,766
I just had to know
that you really wanted it!

503
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:47,935
That I wanted to run a company
that gives people a place

504
00:19:48,004 --> 00:19:50,171
to store not only their jeans,
but their dreams?

505
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,673
- Yes!
- Here.

506
00:19:51,741 --> 00:19:56,277
I got you a little
early Christmas present.

507
00:19:56,346 --> 00:19:58,579
"Claire Dunphy, C.E.O."

508
00:19:58,648 --> 00:19:59,648
- Oh, you!
- What?!

509
00:19:59,716 --> 00:20:01,382
Oh!

510
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,151
That's more like it!

511
00:20:03,219 --> 00:20:05,019
Who cares what the weather is?

512
00:20:05,088 --> 00:20:07,889
What is important is
that we have each other!

513
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,924
Snow!

514
00:20:09,993 --> 00:20:13,194
Good King Wenceslas,
there is snow!

515
00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:18,066
I told you everything
was going to work out.

516
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,601
It's a perfect Christmas.

517
00:20:23,019 --> 00:20:25,153
- What are we looking at?
- Snow!

518
00:20:25,221 --> 00:20:27,522
Our miracle for Christmas.

519
00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:28,623
That's not snow.

520
00:20:28,692 --> 00:20:30,892
That's ashes from a forest fire.

521
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,593
If you're quiet,
you can hear screaming.

522
00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:37,723
Phil, did you look
in all the drawers?

523
00:20:37,791 --> 00:20:39,391
Yep, and under the bed.
Got everything.

524
00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:42,694
- Bye, Gloria. Thank you.
- Bye.

525
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,829
Jay, don't forget
Joe's new doll.

526
00:20:44,898 --> 00:20:48,066
Mitch and Cam --
always pushing their agenda.

527
00:20:50,737 --> 00:20:52,203
Bye-bye, house!

528
00:20:52,272 --> 00:20:54,706
We will miss you!

529
00:21:04,584 --> 00:21:06,284
Hello?

530
00:21:06,353 --> 00:21:07,519
Hello?!

531
00:21:07,587 --> 00:21:09,187
I-it's me -- Luke!

532
00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:13,358
I think I locked myself in here!

533
00:21:15,429 --> 00:21:17,962
Uh, I don't think
I'm alone in here!

534
00:21:19,055 --> 00:21:21,055
Sync and corrections by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com