1 00:00:00,090 --> 00:00:01,335 Hey, thank you. 2 00:00:01,971 --> 00:00:03,071 Here's an Andrew Jackson. 3 00:00:03,075 --> 00:00:04,607 Make a clean set of sheets happen, 4 00:00:04,690 --> 00:00:06,090 I'll introduce you to his twin brother. 5 00:00:07,731 --> 00:00:09,897 You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me? 6 00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,033 Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train. 7 00:00:12,102 --> 00:00:14,002 Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel 8 00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:16,537 now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention. 9 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,893 We are all traveling to Portland 10 00:00:18,962 --> 00:00:21,796 because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried. 11 00:00:21,865 --> 00:00:22,998 We're so happy. 12 00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:24,199 For us. 13 00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:26,001 It means the end of those damn alimony payments, 14 00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:27,969 so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it. 15 00:00:28,038 --> 00:00:31,806 It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done." 16 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,920 Dude, how much choice action are we gonna get on this trip? 17 00:00:35,989 --> 00:00:37,722 I'm managing my expectations. 18 00:00:37,791 --> 00:00:39,958 Don't you know anything about trains? 19 00:00:40,026 --> 00:00:41,059 Chicks go crazy. 20 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,061 The vibrations get them all worked up. 21 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,096 Also, they're trapped, which is nice. 22 00:00:45,165 --> 00:00:46,364 Hey. 23 00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:48,332 We're just gonna go bang out this toast for Mom. 24 00:00:48,369 --> 00:00:49,768 Yeah. Shouldn't have waited till the last minute. 25 00:00:49,837 --> 00:00:51,670 It'll be a nice distraction from your motion sickness. 26 00:00:51,739 --> 00:00:53,472 It's good, as long as I'm not facing backwards 27 00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,408 when the train is -- Oh, God, no. 28 00:00:56,477 --> 00:00:57,209 Lead me. 29 00:00:57,278 --> 00:00:58,410 All right, I got it. 30 00:00:58,479 --> 00:01:00,679 - There you go. Fixed point. - Mm-hmm. 31 00:01:08,788 --> 00:01:12,121 Sync and corrections by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 32 00:01:14,362 --> 00:01:15,461 Oh, my God, it can't be. 33 00:01:15,529 --> 00:01:16,929 What? No, it's not a bald spot. 34 00:01:16,998 --> 00:01:18,397 I slept on it funny last night. 35 00:01:18,466 --> 00:01:21,066 No. The guy two rows back. 36 00:01:21,135 --> 00:01:22,768 - Oh, my... - That's Simon Ha-- 37 00:01:22,837 --> 00:01:23,902 - Hastings. - Oh, my -- 38 00:01:23,971 --> 00:01:25,037 You're a fan of his, too? 39 00:01:25,106 --> 00:01:26,271 Oh, my -- He's my favorite author. 40 00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:27,773 Don't tell Mitchell, but I was so engrossed 41 00:01:27,842 --> 00:01:30,376 in his last book, I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half. 42 00:01:32,313 --> 00:01:33,979 Wait a second. 43 00:01:34,438 --> 00:01:36,938 Simon Hastings is the genius behind 44 00:01:37,007 --> 00:01:38,740 the Silverton mystery novels. 45 00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:39,841 "Dismembers Only." 46 00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:41,176 "A Death of Fresh Air." 47 00:01:41,245 --> 00:01:42,244 The world has been waiting 48 00:01:42,312 --> 00:01:43,512 for the final book of the trilogy 49 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:44,880 for almost, what, 10 years? 50 00:01:44,948 --> 00:01:47,082 I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction. 51 00:01:47,151 --> 00:01:48,350 What? 52 00:01:48,419 --> 00:01:50,352 I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate 53 00:01:50,421 --> 00:01:52,320 with "Open House, Closed Casket." 54 00:01:54,024 --> 00:01:55,023 Goose bumps. 55 00:01:59,263 --> 00:02:01,163 - Hey! - Hey! 56 00:02:01,231 --> 00:02:03,698 We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author. 57 00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:06,001 Gentlemen, the words are all out there. 58 00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:08,870 I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way. 59 00:02:08,939 --> 00:02:11,740 - Classic Hastings. - Droll. Droll is what it is. 60 00:02:11,809 --> 00:02:13,608 That by any chance isn't the -- 61 00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:15,544 the next Silverton novel, is it? 62 00:02:15,612 --> 00:02:17,112 You mean "Locomotive for Murder"? 63 00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:18,413 Crackerjack. 64 00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:20,649 It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it. 65 00:02:20,717 --> 00:02:22,350 Well, I hope you won't be disappointed. 66 00:02:22,419 --> 00:02:23,485 Lovely to meet you. 67 00:02:27,357 --> 00:02:28,490 What's your process? 68 00:02:28,559 --> 00:02:30,358 Are the characters just speaking through you? 69 00:02:30,427 --> 00:02:31,493 How important is plot? 70 00:02:31,462 --> 00:02:33,895 Here's an idea -- how would you two like 71 00:02:33,964 --> 00:02:36,565 to sit quietly and read the first chapter? 72 00:02:36,633 --> 00:02:37,532 - Oh... - What? 73 00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:39,301 - ...my... - What? 74 00:02:39,370 --> 00:02:41,169 - ...God. - What? 75 00:02:41,238 --> 00:02:42,471 Rest assured. 76 00:02:42,539 --> 00:02:44,039 Your treasure is in good hands. 77 00:02:44,108 --> 00:02:46,308 We are also members of the artistic community. 78 00:02:46,377 --> 00:02:47,242 Clown. 79 00:02:47,311 --> 00:02:48,043 Magician. 80 00:02:52,282 --> 00:02:53,315 Nope. 81 00:02:53,384 --> 00:02:54,616 What? We're on a train, 82 00:02:54,685 --> 00:02:56,518 and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel. 83 00:02:56,587 --> 00:02:58,120 I get it, and I love it. 84 00:02:58,188 --> 00:02:59,821 Wonderful Victorian tea hat. 85 00:02:59,890 --> 00:03:01,656 Thank you. Top-notch travel derby. 86 00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:04,259 Ma'am. See you at high tea. 87 00:03:04,328 --> 00:03:05,927 He acts like someone with low "T." 88 00:03:05,996 --> 00:03:07,129 Ah. 89 00:03:07,197 --> 00:03:09,698 Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum. 90 00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:11,266 Oh, it's hard to do two things at once. 91 00:03:11,335 --> 00:03:12,734 You got an extra book? 92 00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:14,269 Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," 93 00:03:14,338 --> 00:03:15,904 but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck. 94 00:03:15,973 --> 00:03:17,005 What you got? 95 00:03:17,074 --> 00:03:19,174 "Hurricane Harriet." It's mostly pictures. 96 00:03:19,243 --> 00:03:21,376 Sold. Move over. 97 00:03:21,445 --> 00:03:23,111 So, what's Harriet's deal? 98 00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:26,181 She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, 99 00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:27,516 but never realizes it. 100 00:03:27,584 --> 00:03:29,851 Doesn't sound very realistic. 101 00:03:32,189 --> 00:03:34,356 Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is? 102 00:03:34,425 --> 00:03:35,757 Oh, back there. 103 00:03:35,826 --> 00:03:37,159 Isn't it that way? 104 00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:38,860 Doesn't matter. 105 00:03:41,965 --> 00:03:43,198 First-class ticket, please. 106 00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:44,566 I just came looking for the bathroom. 107 00:03:44,635 --> 00:03:45,934 My ticket is in my seat. 108 00:03:46,003 --> 00:03:48,236 Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that? 109 00:03:48,305 --> 00:03:49,838 Just go back where you came from. 110 00:03:49,907 --> 00:03:51,239 Go back where I came from? 111 00:03:51,308 --> 00:03:52,541 Okay. 112 00:03:52,609 --> 00:03:53,942 I see how it is. 113 00:04:03,253 --> 00:04:05,987 So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave? 114 00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,456 She never knows what she's doing. 115 00:04:07,524 --> 00:04:10,492 What an idiot. 116 00:04:13,097 --> 00:04:13,962 Excuse me. 117 00:04:15,732 --> 00:04:16,631 You mind if I sit here? 118 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:18,033 Uh, no. 119 00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:23,171 You have a beautiful smile. 120 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,406 Thanks. 121 00:04:24,475 --> 00:04:26,041 They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, 122 00:04:26,110 --> 00:04:27,776 but, hey, look at me now. 123 00:04:28,979 --> 00:04:29,945 Tickets? 124 00:04:30,013 --> 00:04:31,012 Oh, yeah. 125 00:04:31,081 --> 00:04:32,547 Uh, honey, do you have my ticket? 126 00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:33,715 No. 127 00:04:33,784 --> 00:04:35,450 I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe. 128 00:04:35,519 --> 00:04:37,385 Sorry, babe. Back to coach. 129 00:04:37,454 --> 00:04:38,587 I forgive you. 130 00:04:42,926 --> 00:04:45,694 Come find me. 131 00:04:48,232 --> 00:04:50,599 "Mom has always been a free spirit." 132 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:54,202 "She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles 133 00:04:54,271 --> 00:04:56,838 'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello! 134 00:04:56,907 --> 00:04:58,340 Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in. 135 00:04:58,408 --> 00:04:59,474 Uh, how about this one? 136 00:04:59,543 --> 00:05:00,976 "The secret to her chocolate chip cookies 137 00:05:01,044 --> 00:05:02,377 was a dash of salt --" 138 00:05:02,446 --> 00:05:06,481 "And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced." 139 00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:07,449 Hello! 140 00:05:07,518 --> 00:05:09,217 Claire, this is toast, not a roast. 141 00:05:09,286 --> 00:05:11,887 Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life, 142 00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:13,388 you have to be the straight man? 143 00:05:13,457 --> 00:05:14,623 Hello! 144 00:05:14,691 --> 00:05:16,925 Saying "hello" doesn't make mean things funny. 145 00:05:16,994 --> 00:05:17,959 I like it. 146 00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:19,060 Well, you don't get to decide. 147 00:05:19,129 --> 00:05:20,495 How come you get to decide? 148 00:05:20,564 --> 00:05:22,197 'Cause Mom asked me and not you. 149 00:05:22,266 --> 00:05:23,965 I included you because I felt bad. 150 00:05:25,702 --> 00:05:26,968 That's fine. I don't care. 151 00:05:27,037 --> 00:05:28,870 You can do it yourself. 152 00:05:28,939 --> 00:05:31,006 - I don't care. - Claire. 153 00:05:31,074 --> 00:05:32,607 Wait. 154 00:05:33,577 --> 00:05:34,709 Nope. 155 00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:36,808 This is a $20. 156 00:05:36,877 --> 00:05:39,778 When my wife shows up later, "iced tea" means Scotch. 157 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,647 Grandpa, do you think it's weird 158 00:05:42,716 --> 00:05:44,182 Nana invited you to her wedding? 159 00:05:44,251 --> 00:05:46,484 I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done. 160 00:05:46,553 --> 00:05:48,286 Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her? 161 00:05:48,355 --> 00:05:49,554 We were young. 162 00:05:49,623 --> 00:05:52,090 She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede 163 00:05:52,159 --> 00:05:54,992 wore me down, robbed me of my will to live. 164 00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,334 One day, she pushed me off the edge. 165 00:05:57,402 --> 00:05:58,702 I ran out of the house. 166 00:05:58,770 --> 00:06:01,038 They found me shirtless in the local fire station. 167 00:06:01,074 --> 00:06:02,140 Excuse me. 168 00:06:02,209 --> 00:06:04,242 This, uh, Dede that you're speaking of -- 169 00:06:04,311 --> 00:06:06,244 um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance? 170 00:06:06,313 --> 00:06:07,612 Do you know her? 171 00:06:07,681 --> 00:06:09,581 She's marrying my father. 172 00:06:09,650 --> 00:06:10,849 You're kidding. 173 00:06:10,917 --> 00:06:13,218 No. We're traveling to the wedding right now... 174 00:06:13,287 --> 00:06:14,419 if there is one. 175 00:06:14,978 --> 00:06:16,377 I've got to call Dad. 176 00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:17,512 I told you that woman was off. 177 00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:18,479 Just ridiculous. 178 00:06:20,283 --> 00:06:22,316 I'm gonna need $18 back. 179 00:06:23,953 --> 00:06:25,419 Uh, excuse me. 180 00:06:25,488 --> 00:06:26,788 Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings. 181 00:06:26,856 --> 00:06:29,023 Um, do you know -- have they developed a cure yet? 182 00:06:29,092 --> 00:06:30,291 For what? 183 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,527 A blown mind -- because we have two of them. 184 00:06:32,595 --> 00:06:33,895 You're too kind. 185 00:06:33,963 --> 00:06:35,196 - Oh. - Oh, thank you. 186 00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:38,510 Well, we are just dying to know how the conductor got 187 00:06:38,515 --> 00:06:41,081 all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador, 188 00:06:41,082 --> 00:06:42,348 and not be seen? 189 00:06:42,416 --> 00:06:44,416 There's an escape hatch in the control room. 190 00:06:44,485 --> 00:06:45,551 Oh. 191 00:06:45,619 --> 00:06:47,386 He climbs up, crawls his way across 192 00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:49,355 the top of the train to the caboose. 193 00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:53,559 There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes, 194 00:06:53,627 --> 00:06:55,694 he hangs down, shoots the ambassador, 195 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,696 then crawls back the way he came. 196 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,173 That is so ingenious. 197 00:07:00,242 --> 00:07:01,608 How does he avoid the video cameras? 198 00:07:01,677 --> 00:07:03,110 - Yeah. - I beg your pardon. 199 00:07:03,178 --> 00:07:04,511 On top of the train. 200 00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:06,380 He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras. 201 00:07:06,448 --> 00:07:08,582 Oh, no, they all have cameras now -- Big Brother. 202 00:07:08,651 --> 00:07:10,450 I just read an article about it in Rail World, 203 00:07:10,519 --> 00:07:12,052 the magazine in your seat pocket -- 204 00:07:12,121 --> 00:07:13,553 also a great interview with amateur conductor 205 00:07:13,622 --> 00:07:14,988 Valerie Bertinelli. 206 00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:17,357 Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible. 207 00:07:17,426 --> 00:07:19,059 And if the ambassador is still alive, 208 00:07:19,128 --> 00:07:22,262 then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria. 209 00:07:22,331 --> 00:07:25,365 And if that's the case, he's not at the coup, 210 00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:28,235 which means the whole thing doesn't work. 211 00:07:28,303 --> 00:07:30,337 Dear God, I have no book. 212 00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:31,838 Oh. 213 00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:36,677 I have no book! 214 00:07:37,746 --> 00:07:39,813 Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos. 215 00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,778 What are you still doing here? Go find him. 216 00:07:43,832 --> 00:07:45,164 I don't know. 217 00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:46,279 Come on, it's a better love story 218 00:07:46,347 --> 00:07:47,846 than the one you're reading. 219 00:07:47,881 --> 00:07:50,115 You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl, 220 00:07:50,184 --> 00:07:52,384 and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes 221 00:07:52,452 --> 00:07:54,085 with a bunch of hobos in coach. 222 00:07:54,154 --> 00:07:55,220 It's a $20 difference. 223 00:07:55,289 --> 00:07:57,022 Alex, you got this. 224 00:07:57,090 --> 00:07:58,390 Trains make guys crazy. 225 00:07:58,458 --> 00:08:00,125 When were you ever on a train? 226 00:08:00,182 --> 00:08:02,416 In Vegas, between my plane and the luggage area. 227 00:08:02,485 --> 00:08:03,617 Stuff went down. 228 00:08:03,686 --> 00:08:04,485 Fine. I'll go for it. 229 00:08:04,553 --> 00:08:05,786 Oh, wait. 230 00:08:05,855 --> 00:08:07,221 Nope. 231 00:08:12,716 --> 00:08:14,582 Manny likes hats, doesn't he? 232 00:08:14,651 --> 00:08:16,885 Ooh, someone's still got a crush. 233 00:08:16,953 --> 00:08:18,253 I'm not proud of it. 234 00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:19,554 I tried to get past it. 235 00:08:19,623 --> 00:08:21,022 But, you know, trains. 236 00:08:21,091 --> 00:08:24,926 Well, I think you look cute, and I bet he would, too. 237 00:08:25,829 --> 00:08:27,128 Hey, pervs. 238 00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:29,597 Let me guess -- shoulders tired from striking out so hard? 239 00:08:29,664 --> 00:08:31,397 It's still early. 240 00:08:31,466 --> 00:08:33,966 Ooh, I see a dime piece over there. 241 00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,167 That means she's a 10. 242 00:08:35,236 --> 00:08:36,302 Yeah. I speak d-bag. 243 00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:37,603 Luke, she's a little old. 244 00:08:37,672 --> 00:08:39,805 Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90. 245 00:08:39,874 --> 00:08:41,173 Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my pillow 246 00:08:41,242 --> 00:08:42,141 every now and then. 247 00:08:43,745 --> 00:08:45,177 How does he have prospects? 248 00:08:45,246 --> 00:08:46,412 If it makes you feel any better, 249 00:08:46,481 --> 00:08:48,948 that one's got a big crush on you. 250 00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:54,261 I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. 251 00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,196 I've always sensed a little heat from Alex. 252 00:08:56,265 --> 00:08:58,132 A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat 253 00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:59,833 unless she wants to get into his blazer. 254 00:09:01,998 --> 00:09:03,264 Hey. 255 00:09:03,332 --> 00:09:04,265 Peace offering? 256 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:05,332 Thank you. 257 00:09:05,401 --> 00:09:06,600 Look, I'm sorry I told you 258 00:09:06,669 --> 00:09:08,536 that Mom picked me for the toast and not you. 259 00:09:08,604 --> 00:09:09,870 It's just that 260 00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:11,405 I've always had a special relationship with her. 261 00:09:11,474 --> 00:09:13,774 Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey. 262 00:09:13,843 --> 00:09:14,909 Don't do that. 263 00:09:14,977 --> 00:09:16,176 Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me. 264 00:09:16,711 --> 00:09:18,211 Mom manipulates you. 265 00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:19,879 She uses you against the rest of us. 266 00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:21,714 I have no idea what you're talking about. 267 00:09:21,783 --> 00:09:23,716 Oh, God, if only I could think of an example. 268 00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,284 Oh, wait, here's one of 30. 269 00:09:25,353 --> 00:09:27,987 She blew off Alex's graduation, but she didn't tell us. 270 00:09:28,056 --> 00:09:31,290 She made you do it so we would all dump on you instead of her. 271 00:09:31,376 --> 00:09:34,477 And now she bans me from giving a toast, 272 00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:35,611 and we're fighting about it. 273 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,380 Come on. She's using you like a human shield. 274 00:09:37,449 --> 00:09:39,148 Does that seem like a healthy relationship? 275 00:09:40,485 --> 00:09:41,851 Why don't you give that some thought 276 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,219 while you're getting me a refill? 277 00:09:43,288 --> 00:09:44,420 When did you even drink that? 278 00:09:44,489 --> 00:09:45,855 You've been talking the whole time. 279 00:09:45,924 --> 00:09:47,623 Fine. I don't get anything. 280 00:09:47,692 --> 00:09:49,092 - No... - Hey, pal. 281 00:09:49,610 --> 00:09:52,478 Before you call your dad, what I was saying about Dede 282 00:09:52,547 --> 00:09:54,713 was me just covering up because I lost 283 00:09:54,782 --> 00:09:57,383 the greatest, most stable person I've ever known. 284 00:09:57,451 --> 00:09:58,617 But you seemed so angry. 285 00:09:58,686 --> 00:10:00,386 It's because I can't get over her. 286 00:10:00,454 --> 00:10:03,022 I've tried everything -- therapy, pills, electricity. 287 00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:04,190 I'm sorry. 288 00:10:04,258 --> 00:10:05,891 It's just that I miss her so much. 289 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,027 I-I'm gonna see the luckiest man in the world 290 00:10:08,095 --> 00:10:11,163 marry the most wonderful woman in the world, and I have nobody. 291 00:10:11,508 --> 00:10:13,141 Excuse me, sir. 292 00:10:13,209 --> 00:10:14,742 This woman says she's your wife. 293 00:10:14,811 --> 00:10:15,877 Never seen her before. 294 00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:20,515 But here's someone I do know -- my son, Mitchell. 295 00:10:20,583 --> 00:10:22,183 Mitchell and Dede are great pals. 296 00:10:22,252 --> 00:10:24,118 Tell these lovely folks about your mother. 297 00:10:24,187 --> 00:10:25,953 She's a scheming dragon woman 298 00:10:25,956 --> 00:10:27,622 hell-bent on destroying everyone around her. 299 00:10:27,691 --> 00:10:28,957 You pick today to realize that?! 300 00:10:29,025 --> 00:10:29,958 You're welcome. 301 00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:31,159 I finally got him to see Mom 302 00:10:31,227 --> 00:10:34,128 for who she really is -- a nasty, old nutjob. 303 00:10:34,197 --> 00:10:35,496 But she's someone else's problem now, huh? 304 00:10:35,565 --> 00:10:36,364 - Mm-hmm. - Wait a minute. 305 00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:37,398 You know what? 306 00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:38,433 I don't know these people, either. 307 00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,534 Let's go. Excuse me. 308 00:10:39,602 --> 00:10:41,069 Pardon us. 309 00:10:41,137 --> 00:10:43,171 Hi. I'm Haley. 310 00:10:43,611 --> 00:10:45,411 Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud. 311 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:46,779 Sounds like you need a drink. 312 00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:48,281 I'm not sure that's a good idea. 313 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:49,716 I used to have something of a -- 314 00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:51,551 Oh, come on. I feel weird drinking alone. 315 00:10:52,013 --> 00:10:54,180 I don't. I just wanted him to pay. 316 00:10:54,249 --> 00:10:56,216 The last time I was this bladdered, 317 00:10:56,284 --> 00:11:00,120 I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's smug gob. 318 00:11:01,623 --> 00:11:02,689 Do you know Adele? 319 00:11:02,758 --> 00:11:03,923 Oh. 320 00:11:03,992 --> 00:11:07,327 - There he is. - Hey. Just checking in. Hi. 321 00:11:07,395 --> 00:11:09,262 Ooh, celebrating solving your problem? 322 00:11:09,385 --> 00:11:12,220 After 10 years of paralyzing writer's block, 323 00:11:12,288 --> 00:11:13,821 I at last felt that I was drinking 324 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:16,023 directly from the teat of the muse. 325 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,425 But she was no muse. 326 00:11:17,494 --> 00:11:18,693 She was a succubus. 327 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,428 Such a gift for language. 328 00:11:20,497 --> 00:11:23,397 At the next stop, I'm going to burn this book. 329 00:11:23,466 --> 00:11:24,632 That is bad-ass. 330 00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:25,867 No! What? 331 00:11:26,244 --> 00:11:29,245 Yes. It will be the last act of my career. 332 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,681 Well, not counting the panel discussion in Portland. 333 00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,182 It would be rude to cancel. 334 00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:34,817 There's a wine-and-cheese reception. 335 00:11:34,922 --> 00:11:36,688 You have to finish. 336 00:11:36,757 --> 00:11:39,057 What if we proved it could happen? 337 00:11:39,126 --> 00:11:40,392 Maybe there's another way 338 00:11:40,461 --> 00:11:42,961 for the murderer to get to the caboose and back. 339 00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:44,830 I've filled the train with characters 340 00:11:44,898 --> 00:11:47,299 who cannot know that the engineer has left his post. 341 00:11:47,368 --> 00:11:49,134 It's hopeless! 342 00:11:49,203 --> 00:11:50,335 Wait. Did we just stop? 343 00:11:50,404 --> 00:11:51,603 - No. I don't think so. - No. Mnh-mnh. 344 00:11:59,436 --> 00:12:01,703 Look how beautiful California is. 345 00:12:01,771 --> 00:12:03,438 The best part about taking the train, 346 00:12:03,506 --> 00:12:06,941 as I often do for my work with, uh, the children, 347 00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:08,409 has got to be the scenery. 348 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:09,244 Yeah? 349 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,378 What's your favorite spot? 350 00:12:10,447 --> 00:12:13,281 Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh... 351 00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:15,783 the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior. 352 00:12:15,852 --> 00:12:18,219 Huh. I don't think I've seen that. 353 00:12:18,288 --> 00:12:19,988 Can you excuse me for just a pinch? 354 00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,056 Sure. 355 00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:29,264 What are you doing? 356 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,866 Getting swollen 'cause that's how you close. 357 00:12:32,259 --> 00:12:34,159 Oh, by the way, 358 00:12:34,228 --> 00:12:37,295 if you see a tie on our door, Luke's starting to score. 359 00:12:37,364 --> 00:12:40,332 It's a little hard to root for you right now. 360 00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:42,955 So, where were we? 361 00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:45,591 Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur? 362 00:12:45,659 --> 00:12:47,492 No, it's not, little miss. 363 00:12:48,896 --> 00:12:51,496 I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight. 364 00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:54,397 Not like my view right now isn't fantastic. 365 00:12:54,466 --> 00:12:56,032 You're cute. 366 00:12:56,101 --> 00:12:58,168 You know, if you're into it, 367 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,904 I think I could show you a few things. 368 00:13:00,972 --> 00:13:04,274 Uh... it's a little loud in here. 369 00:13:04,342 --> 00:13:06,109 Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet. 370 00:13:06,178 --> 00:13:07,177 Sure. 371 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,546 Really? 372 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,181 Trains. 373 00:13:14,639 --> 00:13:16,105 You're so serious. 374 00:13:16,174 --> 00:13:18,107 I want to make sure I capture your beauty. 375 00:13:18,176 --> 00:13:19,308 Can I see yet? 376 00:13:19,377 --> 00:13:20,643 I hope you like it. 377 00:13:24,515 --> 00:13:25,715 Oh! 378 00:13:25,783 --> 00:13:27,917 So, he's not an artist. Who cares? 379 00:13:35,971 --> 00:13:37,971 People in first class think they have it made 380 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,106 with their early boarding 381 00:13:39,174 --> 00:13:41,074 and their slightly cleaner seats. 382 00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:45,045 But they don't know what living is. 383 00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:56,189 I'll take a long line for the bathroom 384 00:13:56,258 --> 00:13:59,359 if that bathroom is in heaven. 385 00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:03,096 I'm so glad you came back here. 386 00:14:03,165 --> 00:14:06,299 Me too. 387 00:14:06,368 --> 00:14:07,367 This feels weird. 388 00:14:07,436 --> 00:14:09,302 Do you have a compartment? 389 00:14:09,371 --> 00:14:11,271 I do, but how will you get up there? 390 00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:12,706 I'll find a way. 391 00:14:12,775 --> 00:14:13,607 I promise. 392 00:14:16,214 --> 00:14:19,082 Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B, 393 00:14:19,151 --> 00:14:21,017 as in, "Boy, are you cute." 394 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:23,853 Idiot. Just keep walking. 395 00:14:23,922 --> 00:14:25,021 Got it. 396 00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:26,289 I have a signal. 397 00:14:26,358 --> 00:14:27,557 Oh, good. Guys, guys, guys, come on. 398 00:14:27,626 --> 00:14:29,826 The only signal we need is this. 399 00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:31,920 My kids in the back -- they don't hate Dede. 400 00:14:31,989 --> 00:14:33,856 They're preparing a roast for the wedding. 401 00:14:33,924 --> 00:14:35,324 That's how our family shows love. 402 00:14:35,393 --> 00:14:37,126 You'll get a taste of it at the reception. 403 00:14:37,194 --> 00:14:38,127 What are you, Italian? 404 00:14:38,195 --> 00:14:39,261 We'll do a whole thing, 405 00:14:39,330 --> 00:14:40,829 unless you shoot the place up first. 406 00:14:40,898 --> 00:14:42,231 - Oh. - See? That kind of stuff. 407 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,867 Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you! 408 00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:46,168 I don't know why you're pretending 409 00:14:46,237 --> 00:14:47,569 that you don't know me, 410 00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,905 but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason! 411 00:14:49,974 --> 00:14:51,273 She really is your wife? 412 00:14:51,342 --> 00:14:52,508 For now. 413 00:14:52,576 --> 00:14:54,510 Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train 414 00:14:54,578 --> 00:14:55,978 to my next wedding. 415 00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:57,579 You're driving me insane. 416 00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,250 Oh, I see what's going on. 417 00:14:59,319 --> 00:15:00,618 Don't listen to her. 418 00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:02,920 Dede's not crazy. You are. 419 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,455 Sure. That works. 420 00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:05,289 Who are you? 421 00:15:05,358 --> 00:15:06,324 Oh, I'm Carl. 422 00:15:06,393 --> 00:15:07,925 Uh, my father's marrying Dede. 423 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,027 Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. 424 00:15:09,095 --> 00:15:10,028 Drinks on me. 425 00:15:10,096 --> 00:15:11,462 What the heck. 426 00:15:11,531 --> 00:15:13,097 And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you guys about Dede. 427 00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:14,599 Oh, please. 428 00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,701 It's not like Carl's father is such a prize. 429 00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:17,969 What? 430 00:15:18,038 --> 00:15:19,570 He snapped and burned your mom's house down. 431 00:15:19,639 --> 00:15:20,938 She's kidding. 432 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,407 Uh, we're doing a roast, too. 433 00:15:22,475 --> 00:15:24,842 Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast. 434 00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:30,526 We needed to prove that the crime was feasible, 435 00:15:30,594 --> 00:15:34,428 so I would play the role of engineer/murderer. 436 00:15:34,465 --> 00:15:36,432 And I would play the role of everyone else. 437 00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:38,834 When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood" 438 00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:41,170 was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role 439 00:15:41,239 --> 00:15:43,672 of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar. 440 00:15:43,741 --> 00:15:44,940 - Tuck? - Didn't have to. 441 00:15:45,009 --> 00:15:46,709 The costume hid it quite nicely. 442 00:15:51,962 --> 00:15:53,294 Sunday dinner! 443 00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:54,329 What?! 444 00:15:54,397 --> 00:15:55,663 The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard 445 00:15:55,732 --> 00:15:58,933 was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious. 446 00:15:59,353 --> 00:16:00,619 Ustten! 447 00:16:00,688 --> 00:16:01,620 What? 448 00:16:01,689 --> 00:16:02,888 It's Turkish for "from the top." 449 00:16:02,957 --> 00:16:04,323 I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting. 450 00:16:04,391 --> 00:16:05,391 Oh. 451 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,893 Woof! 452 00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:09,595 Did you forget Count Maxim Du Vernay 453 00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:11,029 brought his service shar-pei? 454 00:16:11,098 --> 00:16:13,799 If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part. 455 00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:15,767 Again! 456 00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:22,429 Hi. You ready for me? 457 00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:25,866 I believe I've Googled everything I need to know. 458 00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:32,172 So, let's get started. 459 00:16:36,378 --> 00:16:37,844 This is California. 460 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,414 Lake Superior is here, all the way across -- 461 00:16:41,483 --> 00:16:43,083 Are you trying to take off my shoe? 462 00:16:43,152 --> 00:16:44,918 I thought you wanted to show me things. 463 00:16:44,987 --> 00:16:46,253 I do. 464 00:16:46,321 --> 00:16:51,057 I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one. 465 00:16:52,458 --> 00:16:53,724 Are you kidding me? 466 00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,793 If her new husband is an arsonist, 467 00:16:55,862 --> 00:16:57,228 you guys have to tell her. 468 00:16:57,296 --> 00:16:59,497 Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house. 469 00:16:59,565 --> 00:17:02,099 He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay. 470 00:17:02,168 --> 00:17:04,168 I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom, 471 00:17:04,237 --> 00:17:05,469 but I love her. 472 00:17:05,538 --> 00:17:07,071 I don't want her to wake up in a burning house 473 00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:08,539 just so you don't have to pay alimony. 474 00:17:08,608 --> 00:17:11,175 I love Mom, too... usually. 475 00:17:11,244 --> 00:17:12,610 But if this wedding doesn't happen, 476 00:17:12,678 --> 00:17:14,545 you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years -- 477 00:17:14,614 --> 00:17:17,681 su casa or... my... casa. 478 00:17:18,144 --> 00:17:21,078 Besides, the first wife obviously drove the guy nuts. 479 00:17:21,147 --> 00:17:23,314 How do we know your mother's gonna -- 480 00:17:23,383 --> 00:17:24,582 Oh, geez. 481 00:17:27,554 --> 00:17:30,021 Luke, you're such a quick learner. 482 00:17:30,089 --> 00:17:33,491 Thanks. I had no idea that was there. 483 00:17:36,262 --> 00:17:38,029 Come in. 484 00:17:39,899 --> 00:17:40,965 Is that you? 485 00:17:41,034 --> 00:17:42,199 Uh-huh. 486 00:17:42,618 --> 00:17:44,051 I'll be out in a second. 487 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:45,920 This is so naughty. 488 00:17:45,988 --> 00:17:48,022 I was going to see Alex and let her down easy. 489 00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:49,890 I mean, she's family. It's taboo. 490 00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:51,814 I'm sorry. 491 00:17:51,882 --> 00:17:55,584 I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains. 492 00:17:58,389 --> 00:18:01,757 Ooh. Dark. I like it. 493 00:18:03,861 --> 00:18:05,060 I-I was going to let you down! 494 00:18:05,129 --> 00:18:07,062 You sure did! 495 00:18:07,131 --> 00:18:09,832 Well, your hat was garish. 496 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:11,133 Excuse me. 497 00:18:11,202 --> 00:18:12,401 Have any of you guys seen the guy 498 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:13,836 I was dancing with earlier? 499 00:18:13,904 --> 00:18:17,306 So, it turns out James got off right after I left him. 500 00:18:17,374 --> 00:18:21,443 On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone. 501 00:18:22,363 --> 00:18:23,429 Trains. 502 00:18:23,497 --> 00:18:25,631 Mr. Hastings, we did it. 503 00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:29,234 We made it to the caboose and back without being seen. 504 00:18:29,303 --> 00:18:30,269 Your book works. 505 00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:31,570 I can't believe it. Are you sure? 506 00:18:31,639 --> 00:18:32,871 - Yes! - Yes. 507 00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,340 It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise, 508 00:18:34,408 --> 00:18:35,708 and not to write the book for you, 509 00:18:35,776 --> 00:18:37,576 but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand. 510 00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:39,845 Well, I was sort of in that area anyway. 511 00:18:39,914 --> 00:18:41,046 A thousand thank-yous. 512 00:18:41,916 --> 00:18:43,182 Silverton lives! 513 00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:44,583 Yay! 514 00:18:45,139 --> 00:18:48,440 Hi. Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right? 515 00:18:48,509 --> 00:18:50,576 - Yeah. - Well, I don't know if this helps at all, 516 00:18:50,644 --> 00:18:52,544 but I was just talking to the engineer. 517 00:18:52,556 --> 00:18:54,255 It turns out he can't leave the controls 518 00:18:54,324 --> 00:18:56,124 because of what's called a dead man's switch. 519 00:18:56,193 --> 00:18:58,927 If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops. 520 00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:01,262 Anyway, you're welcome. 521 00:19:06,038 --> 00:19:09,339 If the engineer can't leave the controls, then... 522 00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:11,075 He can't commit the murder. 523 00:19:11,144 --> 00:19:11,942 It's over. 524 00:19:12,011 --> 00:19:13,911 Hastings, we are so sorry. 525 00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:16,781 It's time to rid myself 526 00:19:16,849 --> 00:19:18,949 of this 500-hundred page stain. 527 00:19:19,018 --> 00:19:20,384 - Wait! No! - No, no, no, no! 528 00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:21,152 - No! - No, no! 529 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:21,952 Open, damn you! 530 00:19:22,021 --> 00:19:22,920 - Wait! - Wait! 531 00:19:22,989 --> 00:19:24,889 Is that the back of the train? 532 00:19:26,292 --> 00:19:28,793 Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. 533 00:19:28,861 --> 00:19:30,961 Only two of them in the continental United States, 534 00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:33,030 one of which is here in California, 535 00:19:33,099 --> 00:19:34,465 which is in North America. 536 00:19:34,534 --> 00:19:36,801 Sadly, I know all of this now. 537 00:19:36,869 --> 00:19:38,202 That's it. 538 00:19:38,271 --> 00:19:40,371 The engineer -- he never has to leave the controls. 539 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,173 He waits for the horseshoe turn. 540 00:19:42,241 --> 00:19:44,875 Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. 541 00:19:44,875 --> 00:19:45,574 I heard it. 542 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,309 This is brilliant! 543 00:19:47,378 --> 00:19:50,679 I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book. 544 00:19:50,748 --> 00:19:52,748 Actually, it's just one clown. 545 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,250 One magician. 546 00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:57,353 - Hey, Mom! Hi! - Hi, Mom! 547 00:19:57,421 --> 00:19:59,321 Well, hello, original family. 548 00:19:59,914 --> 00:20:01,580 Dede, we have something we have to tell you. 549 00:20:01,649 --> 00:20:03,415 Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this. 550 00:20:03,484 --> 00:20:04,817 Just can't think of it. 551 00:20:04,886 --> 00:20:06,986 Your fiancé's a pyro. 552 00:20:07,054 --> 00:20:09,321 He burnt down his ex-wife's house. 553 00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:12,458 It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day. 554 00:20:12,526 --> 00:20:14,860 Mom, we just thought you should know. 555 00:20:14,929 --> 00:20:16,295 Jerry told me everything. 556 00:20:16,364 --> 00:20:18,030 Trust me. She had it coming. 557 00:20:18,099 --> 00:20:19,531 The woman's "cah-razy." 558 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,567 So, you're okay he's a firebug? 559 00:20:21,636 --> 00:20:23,235 He's passionate, Jay. 560 00:20:23,304 --> 00:20:26,939 He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you. 561 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,141 Maybe if you had burned our house down, 562 00:20:29,210 --> 00:20:30,409 we'd still be together. 563 00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:32,687 My mistake. You're right, Dede. 564 00:20:32,756 --> 00:20:34,089 Great, Mom. See you at the wedding. 565 00:20:34,157 --> 00:20:35,156 Bye. 566 00:20:35,225 --> 00:20:36,624 Claire, you're not mad at me 567 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:37,826 about your seating arrangements? 568 00:20:37,894 --> 00:20:38,927 Why? Where am I sitting? 569 00:20:38,995 --> 00:20:39,961 Mitchell, tell her. 570 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:40,895 Got to run. 571 00:20:42,265 --> 00:20:44,399 You're not sitting at the family table. 572 00:20:44,468 --> 00:20:45,934 Hello! 573 00:20:46,986 --> 00:20:49,352 Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction, 574 00:20:49,437 --> 00:20:50,770 "Open House, Closed Casket." 575 00:20:51,546 --> 00:20:53,513 "He looked up at the pristine crown molding 576 00:20:53,582 --> 00:20:55,315 in the great room and felt the breeze 577 00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,484 of the recently updated central air. 578 00:20:57,552 --> 00:21:01,087 'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot 579 00:21:01,156 --> 00:21:05,325 was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.' 580 00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:07,227 The widow gasped and steadied herself 581 00:21:07,295 --> 00:21:09,629 on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor 582 00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:12,399 for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance 583 00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:16,202 to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools." 584 00:21:16,271 --> 00:21:18,605 I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks. 585 00:21:19,775 --> 00:21:21,341 Don't answer that! 586 00:21:21,365 --> 00:21:23,365 Sync and corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com