1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,135 How we doin'? 2 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:05,304 It's the most stressful day of the year 3 00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:06,672 for Claire... 4 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:07,740 our anniversary. 5 00:00:07,809 --> 00:00:10,242 She tends to leave her gift shopping till the last minute, 6 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,877 and the pressure can really get to her. 7 00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:13,445 I'm great. 8 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,882 Huh. 9 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,018 - Oh, did you forget it's our... - No. 10 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,519 Happy Anniversary. 11 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:22,655 You're strangely calm. 12 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,590 Is this the legendary realm beyond madness? 13 00:00:24,659 --> 00:00:26,659 I already got your gift. 14 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:28,194 And I nailed it. 15 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:29,595 I even stayed below the $100 limit. 16 00:00:29,664 --> 00:00:32,198 - You? - Oh, you'll be quite pleased. 17 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:33,999 Once I find something. 18 00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,635 This time I left my shopping till the last minute, 19 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,038 maybe just to give Claire a chance at our competition. 20 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,739 Am I too competitive? 21 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,908 I mean, she does often say, 22 00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:46,212 "Phil, do you always have to finish first?" 23 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,848 Joe, I'm coming for you. 24 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,150 Hey, have you guys seen Joe? 25 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,052 Aw, man! 26 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,387 You found me so easy. 27 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,156 But that was for fun. 28 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,557 Hide and seek? 29 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,025 What am I, 4? 30 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,229 I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game 31 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,064 that my mom would never let me play. 32 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:08,133 So... what else? What else? 33 00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:10,069 Hey, didn't you get a new video game? 34 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,804 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! 35 00:01:11,873 --> 00:01:13,606 - Did you see her yesterday? - No, why? 36 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,074 That's what she says when she realizes 37 00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,508 she just slept through an entire day. 38 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,943 So, my boss went away for the weekend, 39 00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:19,511 and I realized I left my phone at her house. 40 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,680 There's a doggy door, but then I would have to find a dog, 41 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,083 somehow learn how train it to go inside, and then find it. 42 00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,118 - And I don't know where to get a... - Honey... 43 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,493 Oh my God, duh. 44 00:01:28,528 --> 00:01:31,123 Joe, you have a dog. 45 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,858 Come on. 46 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:45,434 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 47 00:01:49,411 --> 00:01:51,877 Now see, this is when entertainment was classy. 48 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,479 Max Feldman wore a tux, 49 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,281 the audience smoked cigars. 50 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:58,217 And his act is as fresh today as it was in the '70s. 51 00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,685 What are you, an Eskimo? 52 00:01:59,754 --> 00:02:01,020 You got 50 words for "snow," 53 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,489 but apparently none for "toothbrush." 54 00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:07,993 I don't understand why you guys like that man. 55 00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:09,062 He's a bully. 56 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,297 See, this is why we're not bringing you to his show tonight. 57 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,531 You don't get the jokes, 58 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,933 you ask questions the whole time... 59 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,301 It ruins the experience. 60 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,835 I understand funny jokes. 61 00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,737 This is not funny. This is mean. 62 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,072 He just told that guy 63 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:22,942 that he looked like a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo. 64 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,511 And that guy was Ronald Reagan and he loved it! 65 00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,346 I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight. 66 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,648 - Is that why you're wearing that shirt? - Huh? No. 67 00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,884 Anyways, I'm gonna go and run some errands. 68 00:02:31,953 --> 00:02:33,619 If Jorge arrives before I'm back, 69 00:02:33,688 --> 00:02:35,587 please don't bore him with this stuff. 70 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,557 Jorge was this steamy Latin musician your mother used to date. 71 00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,759 Apparently she feels she has to invite him here, 72 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,394 instead of just thinking about him 73 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:44,430 while she pages through a high-school yearbook 74 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,232 on her third Scotch like a normal person. 75 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,600 Jay, don't be jealous. 76 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,969 It was 20 years ago, 77 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,271 and I only dated him for six months. 78 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,573 And we never had what you and I have. 79 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:55,591 Well, that's nice to hear. 80 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:56,709 It was only physical. 81 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,679 Manny... 82 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:02,548 you're gonna learn something today. 83 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,249 I try to learn something every day. 84 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,919 It keeps me young, or nuori, as they say in Finnish. 85 00:03:06,988 --> 00:03:08,988 Assuming you stop saying stuff like that, 86 00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,489 one day you will be married, 87 00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,291 and eventually the ex will show up 88 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,459 sniffing around, 89 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,728 puffing out his pretty-boy chest, 90 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,596 which is your cue to go alpha. 91 00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:18,998 Don't you think Mom will get annoyed 92 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:20,699 when she sees you being rude to an old friend? 93 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,800 Not at all. 94 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,502 Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish 95 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,636 all who came before. 96 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,238 It's basic animal stuff. 97 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,906 Oh, I get it. 98 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,009 My girlfriend Karen was pretty frisky the other night 99 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,677 after her ex showed up, and I bested him 100 00:03:31,746 --> 00:03:33,645 in a chocolate-soufflé bake-off. 101 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,913 I don't need to tell you 102 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,815 my soufflé wasn't the only sweet brown dish 103 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,150 she devoured that night. 104 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,886 - Because...? - I also made molasses cookies. 105 00:03:40,955 --> 00:03:43,455 I've learned to ask the second question. 106 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,791 I don't even remember what the fight was about. 107 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:48,160 Uh-huh. Then why does your teacher want to have a chat with us? 108 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,895 - Maybe she has trouble meeting people. - Ah. 109 00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,096 Hey. 110 00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,631 Oh, that is a... that's bold. 111 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,966 - It's too young, isn't it? - No! 112 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:56,368 Oh god, these things have lie detectors now. 113 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,536 Sir, please give me your bag. 114 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,438 Oh...we... well, the cashier probably 115 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:01,740 just forgot to take a security tag off of the... 116 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,043 Where did that come from? 117 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,611 Possible 488. 118 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,479 No. I wouldn't steal a bra! 119 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,214 I don't wear bras! 120 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:10,649 Oh. Well, maybe once. 121 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,684 Our friend Pepper had a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party. 122 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,219 Yeah, he's had five of those. 123 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,354 - So... - Sir, please come with me. 124 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,589 No... No, no, no, no, no. Mitchell, call a lawyer! 125 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:18,658 I'm a lawyer. 126 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,793 Yeah, but you've lost more suits than a Men's Wearhouse in a tornado. 127 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,227 April Fool's! 128 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,962 They thought you were a shoplifter! 129 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,065 Burn! 130 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:28,067 A fight at school, and now a shoplifting prank? 131 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,435 If you wanted to rebel, 132 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,370 why don't you just put a pink streak in your hair? 133 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,638 I told you, I don't want one. 134 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:33,872 But you would look so cute. 135 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,127 Okay, well, whatever this phase is, I'm not a fan. 136 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,022 I blame us. We've been far too permissive. 137 00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:40,813 Agreed. You are grounded for one month, Missy! 138 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,214 We got the Cirque du Soleil tickets. 139 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,549 - Except for Cirque du Soleil! - And the Disneyland trip. 140 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,906 And for Disneyland! But you are not going to 141 00:04:45,931 --> 00:04:47,701 Christina's slumber party tonight no matter how much... 142 00:04:47,726 --> 00:04:49,588 - We have reservations at Cactus. - Okay, Christina's slumber party 143 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:50,823 is the last one for a while. 144 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,391 Right. That's right. 145 00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,964 Scented candles. 146 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,501 The simpleton's choice. 147 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:06,205 The perfect gift has three elements... not something you'd buy for yourself, 148 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:09,408 takes you on an emotional journey, that journey is on a ship... 149 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,243 A showmanship. 150 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:12,811 Mm. 151 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,680 I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging, 152 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,182 but here's the thing. Bad ideas aren't your enemy. 153 00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:19,118 In fact, sometimes if you free-associate 154 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,653 from the bad ideas, you discover great ones. 155 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,288 Let's try it. 156 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,324 Sir, would you like a bonsai tree? 157 00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,458 Novelty key chain. 158 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,993 First thing that popped into the noodle. 159 00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,229 It's terrible. Let's see what that key unlocks. 160 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:33,232 Novelty key chain. Novelty lock. 161 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,434 Loch Ness Monster. Monster bike. 162 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:38,504 Bike lock. Padlock. Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad! 163 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,640 Novelty key chain! What... just... happened? 164 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,543 It was like my muse just disappeared. 165 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,111 And she wasn't coming back. 166 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,447 Soap?! She's not your grandma, Phil! 167 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,716 If I don't care that it mops, dusts, squeegees, 168 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,850 and lights up, 169 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,385 would I care that Stacey Keach says 170 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,220 it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need? 171 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,558 Box of chocolates. 172 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,660 Count Chocula. 173 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:04,830 Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man. 174 00:06:04,899 --> 00:06:06,698 "I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu. 175 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,901 Lululemon, lemon peel. 176 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,602 "Key & Peele," key chain! 177 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,004 Novelty key chain?! 178 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,506 No! No! 179 00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:19,249 - Laundry, right? - Oh, it never ends. 180 00:06:19,318 --> 00:06:20,817 I heard that. 181 00:06:20,886 --> 00:06:23,353 - Happy Anniversary, by the way. - Thank you. 182 00:06:23,422 --> 00:06:25,088 Did you get anything special for Phil? 183 00:06:25,157 --> 00:06:26,556 Kid's smooth like butter. 184 00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:28,225 Just like I coached him. 185 00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:30,127 I am very excited about the present I got for Phil. 186 00:06:30,195 --> 00:06:31,394 Come on over here. Come on closer. 187 00:06:31,463 --> 00:06:32,596 But you have to promise 188 00:06:32,664 --> 00:06:34,297 that you are not gonna tell anybody. 189 00:06:34,366 --> 00:06:35,565 Talk to papa. 190 00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:38,702 I don't want anybody else to hear what it is. 191 00:06:38,771 --> 00:06:40,437 It's a really good secret. 192 00:06:40,506 --> 00:06:41,805 And the present is... 193 00:06:41,874 --> 00:06:42,973 Ow! 194 00:06:43,041 --> 00:06:44,741 Why would you do that?! 195 00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:47,210 My ears are still developing! 196 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:49,012 Nice try, Phil. 197 00:06:49,081 --> 00:06:50,280 That's so funny! 198 00:06:50,349 --> 00:06:51,882 Oh. Hey, honey. How are you? 199 00:06:51,950 --> 00:06:53,216 I'm so sorry. I have to take this. 200 00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:54,951 Oh, boy. 201 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:56,653 Hello, Robert... 202 00:06:56,722 --> 00:06:58,388 Not too much. How are you? 203 00:06:58,457 --> 00:07:00,791 There are a lot of ways you can establish status 204 00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:02,526 over another man, like Jorge. 205 00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:03,794 A firm handshake... 206 00:07:05,063 --> 00:07:06,930 ...displays of wealth... 207 00:07:06,999 --> 00:07:08,865 and feats of strength. 208 00:07:10,669 --> 00:07:12,836 Interesting. Moving that rug 209 00:07:12,905 --> 00:07:14,004 was the hardest thing in the world for you 210 00:07:14,072 --> 00:07:15,272 when I needed to practice tap dancing. 211 00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:17,808 There are also more subtle moves, 212 00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:20,177 what I call micro-aggressions. 213 00:07:20,245 --> 00:07:21,444 Call him by the wrong name. 214 00:07:22,714 --> 00:07:24,648 Throws him off the moment he meets you. 215 00:07:24,716 --> 00:07:26,583 You must be Huevos! 216 00:07:26,652 --> 00:07:28,385 Jay! Pleasure. 217 00:07:28,453 --> 00:07:29,553 Jorge de la Selva. 218 00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:30,754 In English, it's George of the Jungle, 219 00:07:30,823 --> 00:07:32,422 so I stick with Spanish. 220 00:07:32,491 --> 00:07:34,658 - Hey, who's got the great taste? - That would be me! 221 00:07:34,726 --> 00:07:35,926 Nice! 222 00:07:35,994 --> 00:07:37,594 Uh, hello... 223 00:07:37,663 --> 00:07:41,398 So, you and Gloria... you used to, uh... 224 00:07:41,466 --> 00:07:42,899 Yep. 225 00:07:44,536 --> 00:07:46,937 Hey, so he was a little more handsome 226 00:07:47,005 --> 00:07:48,238 than you were expecting, 227 00:07:48,307 --> 00:07:50,440 but pull yourself together, man. 228 00:07:50,509 --> 00:07:53,376 Now, fights are very common at Lily's age. 229 00:07:53,445 --> 00:07:54,744 I mean, so many parents ask me, 230 00:07:54,813 --> 00:07:56,379 "What happened to my sweet little kid," 231 00:07:56,448 --> 00:07:58,248 and I say, "that's puberty." 232 00:07:58,317 --> 00:07:59,516 Puberty? 233 00:07:59,585 --> 00:08:00,750 Well, Lily's a little young for that, so... 234 00:08:00,819 --> 00:08:03,220 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is this? The inner ear? 235 00:08:03,288 --> 00:08:05,455 That is the female reproductive system. 236 00:08:05,524 --> 00:08:06,623 - Oh. - Cam. 237 00:08:06,692 --> 00:08:08,592 Oops. Heh. I dropped the, uh... 238 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:09,993 I want to say egg chute, 239 00:08:10,062 --> 00:08:12,195 but I know it's probably something more Latin-y. 240 00:08:12,264 --> 00:08:13,496 It can be a challenge 241 00:08:13,565 --> 00:08:15,632 when a child enters into adolescence, 242 00:08:15,701 --> 00:08:16,800 so I was thinking... 243 00:08:16,869 --> 00:08:18,235 does Lily have any aunts 244 00:08:18,303 --> 00:08:20,503 or any other female figures in her life? 245 00:08:20,572 --> 00:08:21,605 Yes, why? 246 00:08:21,673 --> 00:08:22,873 Well, she might want to talk to a woman 247 00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:23,907 about what she's going through. 248 00:08:23,976 --> 00:08:26,076 Okay. I see. So meaning, as a gay couple, 249 00:08:26,144 --> 00:08:28,678 we're not up to the task of raising a daughter on our own. 250 00:08:28,747 --> 00:08:29,779 - No... - Okay. 251 00:08:29,848 --> 00:08:30,947 Mitchell, I'm stuck. 252 00:08:31,016 --> 00:08:33,183 I'm just saying that Lily may be self-conscious 253 00:08:33,252 --> 00:08:35,151 talking to men... even her dads... 254 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:38,188 about certain female body issues. 255 00:08:39,658 --> 00:08:41,424 Did she tell you what the fight was about? 256 00:08:41,493 --> 00:08:44,361 - Yes. Obviously. - Yes, we are a very open family. 257 00:08:44,429 --> 00:08:46,963 It's not like we wouldn't just not follow up. 258 00:08:47,032 --> 00:08:48,064 And what did she tell you? 259 00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:50,033 - Uh, that... a boy..? - A... 260 00:08:50,102 --> 00:08:51,102 - No. - Girl. 261 00:08:51,169 --> 00:08:52,402 A girl tried to snap Lily's... 262 00:08:52,471 --> 00:08:53,870 - Finger! - Bra. 263 00:08:53,939 --> 00:08:56,006 - But Lily doesn't have a bra. - Exactly. 264 00:08:56,074 --> 00:08:57,474 And now she's getting teased, 265 00:08:57,542 --> 00:08:59,709 because unlike the other girls, she doesn't have a... 266 00:08:59,778 --> 00:09:02,412 - Oh, just say it. A mom. - A bra. 267 00:09:02,481 --> 00:09:03,513 - Oh. - Okay, so... 268 00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:06,082 Oh, that wasn't a joke when she stuffed that bra in your bag. 269 00:09:06,151 --> 00:09:08,218 She wants one. She's just... 270 00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:09,586 she was too embarrassed to ask for it. 271 00:09:10,696 --> 00:09:11,855 Oh, boy. 272 00:09:11,924 --> 00:09:13,323 You don't think this is gon... gonna come up 273 00:09:13,392 --> 00:09:14,858 at the slumber party, do you? 274 00:09:14,927 --> 00:09:16,559 Not Christina S's slumber party? 275 00:09:16,628 --> 00:09:17,861 - Yes. - Oh, God. 276 00:09:17,930 --> 00:09:21,031 She single handedly sent our lunch lady back to rehab. 277 00:09:21,099 --> 00:09:22,966 I would strongly consider bringing Lily... 278 00:09:23,035 --> 00:09:24,334 Thank you, we got it. 279 00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:25,568 Mm. 280 00:09:25,637 --> 00:09:26,770 Obviously you were gonna say 281 00:09:26,838 --> 00:09:29,673 we should bring Lily... home? 282 00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:32,175 Actually, I was going to say bring Lily a training...bra. 283 00:09:32,244 --> 00:09:34,010 - Training bra! - A train set! Bra. 284 00:09:34,079 --> 00:09:36,212 See? We all said training bra at the same time. 285 00:09:39,151 --> 00:09:41,418 Oh, wow. This crema is incredible. 286 00:09:41,486 --> 00:09:43,787 The secret is Amore beans from Guatemala. 287 00:09:43,855 --> 00:09:45,155 Low-acid, shade-grown, 288 00:09:45,223 --> 00:09:47,891 individually massaged by an order of hill nuns. 289 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,427 Oh, I'm very familiar with the Amore bean. 290 00:09:50,495 --> 00:09:51,528 I get why you have trouble 291 00:09:51,595 --> 00:09:52,595 vanquishing this guy. 292 00:09:52,664 --> 00:09:55,065 He's perfect. So, Jorge, um, 293 00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,901 you were Gloria's boyfriend right before Javier? 294 00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,602 Yeah, and a little during, you know? 295 00:09:59,671 --> 00:10:01,204 She kinda bounced around between the two of us. 296 00:10:01,273 --> 00:10:03,239 Um, where is she anyway? 297 00:10:03,308 --> 00:10:04,774 I got to be at a Dodger game in an hour. 298 00:10:04,843 --> 00:10:06,309 Oh, you like sports? 299 00:10:06,378 --> 00:10:07,811 That's fantastic! 300 00:10:07,879 --> 00:10:10,380 I tried to get this one into baseball. No go. 301 00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:12,349 Actually, I hate baseball. 302 00:10:12,417 --> 00:10:13,783 I'm here to sing the national anthem. 303 00:10:13,852 --> 00:10:15,418 I'm an opera singer. 304 00:10:15,487 --> 00:10:17,087 I just finished two months at La Scala. 305 00:10:17,155 --> 00:10:19,289 The house that Toscanini built?! 306 00:10:19,358 --> 00:10:20,790 Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt a few times. 307 00:10:20,859 --> 00:10:22,892 You know, a bunch of opera singers prancing around. 308 00:10:22,961 --> 00:10:24,627 It, uh, takes its toll on the foundation. 309 00:10:24,696 --> 00:10:26,196 - Yeah. - Hey. 310 00:10:26,264 --> 00:10:28,231 I'm here to pick up Mom's old boombox from storage? 311 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,666 She needs it for... 312 00:10:31,303 --> 00:10:33,269 How many Mannys do you see through these things? 313 00:10:33,338 --> 00:10:35,205 That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend. 314 00:10:35,273 --> 00:10:36,706 Wait, how far ex? 315 00:10:36,775 --> 00:10:39,242 Roughly 20 years. 316 00:10:39,311 --> 00:10:40,510 Oh, my God. 317 00:10:40,579 --> 00:10:42,012 Is... Is it possible? What does Gloria say? 318 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,313 She hasn't even seen him yet. 319 00:10:43,382 --> 00:10:44,481 The odd bit is, 320 00:10:44,549 --> 00:10:46,116 these two clones don't see the resemblance. 321 00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:48,618 Maybe she won't either? I'm not gonna force it on her. 322 00:10:48,687 --> 00:10:50,053 I mean, it's no easy thing to say 323 00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:51,588 "Is there a chance you're so dumb 324 00:10:51,656 --> 00:10:53,356 you don't even know who the father of your baby is?" 325 00:10:53,425 --> 00:10:56,760 We could do a DNA test. I could do one at the lab at school. 326 00:10:56,828 --> 00:10:58,495 And then you would have a definitive answer. 327 00:10:58,563 --> 00:10:59,729 If it comes back negative, 328 00:10:59,798 --> 00:11:01,364 mm, you don't even really have to tell Gloria. 329 00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:02,699 Well, what do you need, saliva? 330 00:11:02,768 --> 00:11:04,200 We take these two down to the Sizzler, 331 00:11:04,269 --> 00:11:06,302 and you squeegee what you need off the salad-bar window? 332 00:11:06,371 --> 00:11:07,904 They use hairs now! 333 00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:13,098 "But we hanged Wichita Willy yesterday," said the sheriff. 334 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,300 "Could he be back for revenge?" 335 00:11:15,368 --> 00:11:16,701 That's when they looked up 336 00:11:16,769 --> 00:11:18,870 and there was Wichita Willy, 337 00:11:18,938 --> 00:11:20,738 the noose still dangling from his neck. 338 00:11:26,779 --> 00:11:28,446 Hey, sweetie. What you guys doing? 339 00:11:28,515 --> 00:11:30,014 Have you heard of Twice Hung Willy? 340 00:11:30,083 --> 00:11:32,450 Um, yes, I'm familiar with his films, but... 341 00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:33,651 What are you doing here? 342 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:34,785 There's something we forgot to pack for you. 343 00:11:34,854 --> 00:11:35,987 Can... can I talk to you for a second? 344 00:11:36,055 --> 00:11:38,689 - No. It's girls only. - Yeah, no, but you're gonna love it. 345 00:11:38,758 --> 00:11:39,991 What is it? 346 00:11:40,059 --> 00:11:41,893 Oh, it's not for you, Christina. 347 00:11:41,961 --> 00:11:43,094 - Uh... - Oh, God. 348 00:11:43,162 --> 00:11:44,795 Lily...? 349 00:11:44,864 --> 00:11:46,998 Why does your dad have a fallopian tube? 350 00:11:47,066 --> 00:11:48,399 - That's what it is. - Oh. 351 00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:49,734 What's wrong with you?! 352 00:11:49,802 --> 00:11:51,669 Calm down, okay? Your father was fiddling 353 00:11:51,738 --> 00:11:53,037 with your teacher's reproductive organ. 354 00:11:53,106 --> 00:11:54,739 Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?! 355 00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:56,307 No, ju... the model on her desk. 356 00:11:56,376 --> 00:11:57,942 And then he put his finger into it, 357 00:11:58,011 --> 00:11:59,343 and then he couldn't... 358 00:11:59,412 --> 00:12:00,745 - Well, now mine's stuck! - Okay, let me... 359 00:12:00,813 --> 00:12:01,946 - Okay, this is tight. - Push your finger through. 360 00:12:02,015 --> 00:12:03,381 Oh, no. 361 00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:04,649 - Are they like this in real life? - I don't think so. 362 00:12:04,717 --> 00:12:06,150 This is gross! 363 00:12:06,219 --> 00:12:07,351 No. It's not gross, okay? 364 00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:09,020 Nothing about your body is gross to us. 365 00:12:09,088 --> 00:12:10,988 Yes. Not your cycles, not your fluids... 366 00:12:11,057 --> 00:12:14,492 Oh my God, just stop talking forever. Just go! 367 00:12:15,595 --> 00:12:18,162 Oh, well, that was a disaster. 368 00:12:18,231 --> 00:12:20,131 You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit 369 00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:21,532 that straight couples have strengths 370 00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,267 that we don't, you know? 371 00:12:23,336 --> 00:12:26,304 And maybe moms know more about girls than we do. 372 00:12:26,372 --> 00:12:27,972 Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out? 373 00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:30,541 Yeah, but to who? Claire's an over-sharer. 374 00:12:30,610 --> 00:12:32,710 Gloria... is her body even human? 375 00:12:32,779 --> 00:12:34,579 Haley knows less than Lily. 376 00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,581 - So who do we go to? Alex? - I guess. 377 00:12:36,649 --> 00:12:38,816 I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right. 378 00:12:38,885 --> 00:12:41,485 - Let's prank call Milo again. - You totally like him. 379 00:12:41,554 --> 00:12:43,888 I do not! I just want to torture him. 380 00:12:43,957 --> 00:12:45,556 Okay...so, see, are we supposed to hear something like that 381 00:12:45,625 --> 00:12:46,791 - and say nothing? - Yes, we are. 382 00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:47,925 - Come on. - Okay, hi. 383 00:12:47,994 --> 00:12:49,327 If you want to get a boy's attention, 384 00:12:49,395 --> 00:12:51,862 you know, a prank call is probably not the move. 385 00:12:51,931 --> 00:12:52,964 Dad! 386 00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:54,865 Cam, this is not our place. But, he's not wrong. 387 00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,233 I just like to make him mad! 388 00:12:56,302 --> 00:12:57,602 Yeah, well, we just thought you liked him 389 00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:59,704 and you wanted to know the best way to get his attention, 390 00:12:59,772 --> 00:13:02,179 but apparently not. So good night. 391 00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:03,758 Wait! 392 00:13:03,793 --> 00:13:06,584 Okay. Okay, so, who's Milo's best friend? 393 00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:08,321 - Barrett. - Okay, you're gonna text Milo, 394 00:13:08,346 --> 00:13:11,816 "You're hilarious! Crying-laughing face, and winky face emoji." 395 00:13:11,884 --> 00:13:14,185 Then wait a beat. Then you're gonna text back, 396 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,686 "Oops, sorry. That was for Barrett. 397 00:13:15,755 --> 00:13:17,855 Neutral-face emoji with straight-line mouth." 398 00:13:17,924 --> 00:13:20,758 Oh my God. Genius. 399 00:13:20,827 --> 00:13:22,627 Wow, I've never seen her smile. 400 00:13:22,695 --> 00:13:23,894 Dudes! 401 00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:25,196 Milo just texted me back. 402 00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:26,430 Okay, what'd he say? 403 00:13:26,499 --> 00:13:29,333 "You're a jerk. Winky eye face with the tongue hanging out." 404 00:13:29,402 --> 00:13:31,335 - Oh, you're in. You're in. - Oh! Yeah. 405 00:13:31,404 --> 00:13:33,304 Do not text him back, okay? 406 00:13:33,373 --> 00:13:34,672 But when you see him on Monday, 407 00:13:34,741 --> 00:13:36,440 walk right past him and throw him a quick... 408 00:13:36,509 --> 00:13:37,575 "Hey." 409 00:13:37,644 --> 00:13:39,543 - Hey. - Yes! 410 00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:40,745 All right, you girls got it from here. 411 00:13:40,813 --> 00:13:41,879 We have a dinner reservation. 412 00:13:41,948 --> 00:13:43,814 Hey, I saw what you put in the bag. 413 00:13:43,883 --> 00:13:44,949 Thanks. 414 00:13:45,018 --> 00:13:46,684 You're welcome, sweetie. And we love you. 415 00:13:46,753 --> 00:13:48,619 Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy? 416 00:13:48,688 --> 00:13:50,688 - Oh, no. No. - No. Not a chance. 417 00:13:55,161 --> 00:13:58,229 - Good, you're home. - One second. 418 00:13:58,297 --> 00:14:00,231 Papi, you look great in that new shirt! 419 00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:03,467 - So handsome! - Gloria! 420 00:14:03,536 --> 00:14:05,736 Oh. I thought you were Manny. 421 00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,538 Good. You're caught up now. 422 00:14:07,607 --> 00:14:08,873 I know I put on a few, 423 00:14:08,941 --> 00:14:10,641 but they don't take you seriously as an opera singer 424 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:12,143 when you're too skinny. 425 00:14:12,211 --> 00:14:14,445 Do you know what happens when the thin lady sings? 426 00:14:14,514 --> 00:14:15,880 The show just keeps going. 427 00:14:15,948 --> 00:14:18,315 It's so wonderful to see you. 428 00:14:18,384 --> 00:14:20,918 I'm gonna go and open a bottle of wine. 429 00:14:24,691 --> 00:14:27,692 Do you think that Jorge could be...? 430 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,193 Jorge mentioned you bounced around 431 00:14:29,262 --> 00:14:30,327 between him and Javier. 432 00:14:30,396 --> 00:14:32,963 How much bouncing did you do? 433 00:14:33,032 --> 00:14:35,466 Technically, it's possible. 434 00:14:35,535 --> 00:14:36,734 Oh, my God. 435 00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:39,336 - How is Manny going to handle this? - Not great. 436 00:14:39,405 --> 00:14:41,605 You know he doesn't respond well to surprises. 437 00:14:41,674 --> 00:14:42,807 Remember how upset he got 438 00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:44,208 when he found out those mashed potatoes 439 00:14:44,277 --> 00:14:45,743 were really just whipped cauliflower? 440 00:14:45,812 --> 00:14:48,245 What are we going to do? 441 00:14:48,314 --> 00:14:50,915 Okay, Grandpa, I got... Oh, Gloria, you're here. 442 00:14:50,983 --> 00:14:53,584 What do you bring with you, besides that guilty look? 443 00:14:53,653 --> 00:14:56,287 Okay, in order to get a definitive answer, 444 00:14:56,355 --> 00:14:59,090 I had Alex perform a DNA test. 445 00:14:59,158 --> 00:15:00,758 You got them both to spit? 446 00:15:00,827 --> 00:15:02,727 - They use hair now. - Eugh. 447 00:15:02,795 --> 00:15:04,995 Hey, lotion's on the sink, Jorge. 448 00:15:05,064 --> 00:15:06,330 Hey, turns out I'm not the only one 449 00:15:06,399 --> 00:15:09,133 who suffers from dry naval. 450 00:15:09,202 --> 00:15:11,736 Uh, Alex, why do you have a medical form with my name on it? 451 00:15:13,339 --> 00:15:16,040 I don't think I should be the one to explain this. 452 00:15:19,078 --> 00:15:20,811 Manny... as you know, 453 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,681 your mother and Jorge had a relationship. 454 00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:24,882 You're a lot alike, 455 00:15:24,951 --> 00:15:27,251 and it made us curious as to whether... 456 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,487 Uh, are... are you saying... 457 00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,055 This is a DNA test. 458 00:15:31,124 --> 00:15:33,557 Your mom didn't even find out until today. 459 00:15:33,626 --> 00:15:36,293 So... I... 460 00:15:36,362 --> 00:15:39,029 I... I don't even know how to react. 461 00:15:39,098 --> 00:15:41,799 So my whole childhood was a lie? 462 00:15:41,868 --> 00:15:43,300 I thought Javier was my dad. 463 00:15:43,369 --> 00:15:45,402 Now he's just some stranger who gave me baths? 464 00:15:45,471 --> 00:15:46,971 Listen, buddy. 465 00:15:47,039 --> 00:15:48,839 It's not who brings you into the world. 466 00:15:48,908 --> 00:15:50,441 It's what you do when you're there. 467 00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:51,776 You're not Javier. 468 00:15:51,844 --> 00:15:53,210 You're not this guy. You're you. 469 00:15:53,279 --> 00:15:54,645 And what you are is amazing. 470 00:15:54,714 --> 00:15:57,481 And for the record, I've been your dad since you were 10, 471 00:15:57,550 --> 00:16:00,584 and I'm gonna be your dad until I'm gone. 472 00:16:00,653 --> 00:16:03,187 I love you, and I always will. 473 00:16:03,256 --> 00:16:04,488 I love you too, Jay. 474 00:16:10,696 --> 00:16:13,497 Ha! April Fool's! 475 00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:16,700 Now who doesn't understand a joke?! 476 00:16:16,769 --> 00:16:17,835 What? 477 00:16:17,904 --> 00:16:20,204 I never dated Jorge! 478 00:16:20,273 --> 00:16:22,306 He's the butcher at the grocery store! 479 00:16:22,375 --> 00:16:24,642 I just thought that he looked like Manny! 480 00:16:24,710 --> 00:16:26,944 Why would you do that? 481 00:16:27,013 --> 00:16:30,281 Because you said that I didn't understand funny. 482 00:16:30,349 --> 00:16:32,216 I didn't know you were going to take the prank this far. 483 00:16:32,285 --> 00:16:33,651 You made Grandpa cry. 484 00:16:33,719 --> 00:16:35,719 I know! He was like, 485 00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:38,956 "I love you and I always will." 486 00:16:41,727 --> 00:16:42,927 Okay, look, I'm out. 487 00:16:42,995 --> 00:16:44,395 Uh, I used to raise veal, 488 00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:46,564 and this has to be the cruelest thing 489 00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:47,665 I've ever been a part of. 490 00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:52,136 Okay, almost there... almost there... 491 00:16:52,205 --> 00:16:53,237 Hang on. One second. 492 00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:55,739 Claire's gift involved a blindfold 493 00:16:55,808 --> 00:16:57,107 and a second location... 494 00:16:57,176 --> 00:16:58,676 showmanship of the highest order. 495 00:16:58,744 --> 00:17:01,359 To make things worse, the clock ran out on me. 496 00:17:01,394 --> 00:17:02,447 My gift... 497 00:17:03,182 --> 00:17:04,381 I settled... 498 00:17:05,685 --> 00:17:07,051 I can't even say it out loud. 499 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:09,220 And... 500 00:17:09,288 --> 00:17:10,387 Ta-da! 501 00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:11,422 Oh, my God. 502 00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,828 Our old apartment. 503 00:17:13,863 --> 00:17:17,394 I know. I was noodling around on Airbnb a couple of weeks ago 504 00:17:17,463 --> 00:17:19,430 and it was just right there listed. 505 00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:21,532 Unbelievable. 506 00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:23,467 It's $85 for the night, 507 00:17:23,536 --> 00:17:25,669 $6 for our old favorite Arizona fish sticks, 508 00:17:25,738 --> 00:17:28,305 which you will smell warming right now... 509 00:17:28,374 --> 00:17:31,342 ...$3 for the "Forget Paris" rental. 510 00:17:31,410 --> 00:17:34,712 Aw, you even found cans of the wine we used to like. 511 00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:36,547 You completely nailed it. 512 00:17:36,616 --> 00:17:39,049 I know. I really did! I did! I did! 513 00:17:39,118 --> 00:17:41,151 And it was the first time ever. 514 00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:42,519 And... 515 00:17:42,588 --> 00:17:44,054 I really want this feeling to last. 516 00:17:44,123 --> 00:17:45,289 Would it be weird if I asked you 517 00:17:45,358 --> 00:17:46,790 not to give me your gift until tomorrow? 518 00:17:46,859 --> 00:17:48,525 - You got it. - Yes! 519 00:17:48,594 --> 00:17:49,927 In fact, I might, uh... 520 00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:51,929 I might sneak off and trade this in 521 00:17:51,998 --> 00:17:53,364 for something really terrible 522 00:17:53,432 --> 00:17:54,765 just to seal your victory. 523 00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,066 All right. 524 00:17:56,135 --> 00:17:57,968 Now let's get this party started. 525 00:17:59,038 --> 00:18:00,271 - No. - Mm. 526 00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:02,172 - The old mixtape I made you? - Mm-hmm. 527 00:18:02,241 --> 00:18:05,342 Oh, yeah. "Songs in the key of Phil." 528 00:18:05,411 --> 00:18:07,044 - Oh, no! - Oh. Oh. 529 00:18:07,113 --> 00:18:08,879 Aw, no. Wait, hang out. 530 00:18:08,948 --> 00:18:10,681 - It's not going back in. - You know what? 531 00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:12,416 Sometimes it's nice to not have music. 532 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,420 Well, I'm not listening to that all night. 533 00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:17,688 Oh. 534 00:18:17,757 --> 00:18:21,358 I wonder if the old intercom system still works. 535 00:18:21,427 --> 00:18:22,960 Oh, yeah! 536 00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:24,962 - Yeah. - Give it to 'em. 537 00:18:25,031 --> 00:18:27,398 Tell 'em how I feel. 538 00:18:27,466 --> 00:18:29,566 Hey! 539 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:31,912 Hey! Ahh! 540 00:18:31,971 --> 00:18:33,170 - Oh, my God! - Oh, oh, oh! 541 00:18:33,239 --> 00:18:35,539 It's okay! Okay. No need to be alarmed. 542 00:18:36,943 --> 00:18:38,976 - Oh, no, not the fish sticks! - Okay... 543 00:18:40,613 --> 00:18:42,513 Oh, oh, Phil? 544 00:18:42,581 --> 00:18:44,348 Open the window, and it'll stop the alarm! 545 00:18:46,619 --> 00:18:47,651 - Oh, God! - Whoa! 546 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:48,819 - Oh, God! - Oh, it's okay! 547 00:18:48,888 --> 00:18:50,688 - Phil! Phil! - Oh! I got you! 548 00:18:50,756 --> 00:18:52,289 - Okay... - I got you! 549 00:18:52,358 --> 00:18:53,457 Oh, God. 550 00:18:53,526 --> 00:18:56,160 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. 551 00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:58,395 - Waah! - Wine is flammable?! 552 00:18:58,464 --> 00:18:59,863 No! But that is! 553 00:18:59,932 --> 00:19:00,965 Oh, God. 554 00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,833 Ahh... Ohh... 555 00:19:04,537 --> 00:19:05,869 Raccoons! 556 00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:07,705 Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult. 557 00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:08,973 No! 558 00:19:09,709 --> 00:19:12,076 Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out. 559 00:19:12,144 --> 00:19:14,511 In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons? 560 00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:15,612 Wait. 561 00:19:20,319 --> 00:19:21,651 What is that? 562 00:19:24,556 --> 00:19:26,523 Oh, my goodness. Oh, yes. 563 00:19:27,159 --> 00:19:29,093 What... what is this? 564 00:19:30,429 --> 00:19:31,495 Ohh... 565 00:19:32,531 --> 00:19:34,832 Ahh! Oh, yes! 566 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,534 Yeh-ha! Yah! Yah! Yah! 567 00:19:37,603 --> 00:19:39,636 - Yeah! Get out! - You shut your mouth! 568 00:19:39,705 --> 00:19:41,505 Oh, yeah! 569 00:19:41,574 --> 00:19:43,774 And since the neighbors can't take a hint... 570 00:19:44,343 --> 00:19:45,442 Oh! 571 00:19:45,511 --> 00:19:47,444 That was amazing. 572 00:19:47,513 --> 00:19:51,582 My dear, Nothing but the best for you... 573 00:19:52,752 --> 00:19:54,351 ...on our anniversary. 574 00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:56,388 Now... 575 00:19:57,723 --> 00:19:59,056 ...where were we? 576 00:19:59,125 --> 00:20:00,257 Okay. 577 00:20:02,061 --> 00:20:04,428 Oh. 578 00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:09,199 May I have this dance? 579 00:20:09,268 --> 00:20:10,734 Yes. 580 00:20:10,803 --> 00:20:12,669 Oh... 581 00:20:12,738 --> 00:20:14,938 I am the luckiest girl in the world. 582 00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:16,206 - Shh. - Mm. 583 00:20:16,275 --> 00:20:19,905 - Did you get me a mop for our...? - Shh. 584 00:20:24,344 --> 00:20:26,076 Come on. 585 00:20:26,145 --> 00:20:27,410 Honey, what happened? 586 00:20:27,479 --> 00:20:28,678 I spilled some milk. 587 00:20:28,747 --> 00:20:31,148 Apparently the only thing this mop can't do is mop. 588 00:20:31,216 --> 00:20:33,150 Well, there's no use crying over it. 589 00:20:33,218 --> 00:20:34,417 Just call them and complain. 590 00:20:34,486 --> 00:20:35,684 Oh, you're right. 591 00:20:36,459 --> 00:20:39,046 This is your emergency moperator, how can I help? 592 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,848 The mop function on my mop isn't working. 593 00:20:42,873 --> 00:20:46,449 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm gonna go ahead and do a remote reset, 594 00:20:46,474 --> 00:20:48,603 so you may notice your mop gets extremely hot. 595 00:20:48,628 --> 00:20:51,368 - Oh... Should I... - I'm kidding. 596 00:20:51,403 --> 00:20:54,065 Good one, moperator. 597 00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:57,756 - You should have seen his face! - I did! You're and adorable couple. 598 00:20:57,781 --> 00:20:59,072 Get rid of it. 599 00:20:59,097 --> 00:21:00,497 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com