Are you awake?
I slept for six minutes two hours ago.
I'm gonna have to take a sleeping pill,
which means you're gonna have to hide my car keys,
laptop and Reba McEntire wig.
It's been a crazy couple of days.
Uh, yesterday I found out I didn't get the college football coaching job
that I had been chasing.
I was... I was devastated.
And moments before that, we got a phone call from our old adoption agency
with the opportunity for us to adopt a baby boy.
So, a door closes...
A window opens. But do you answer it?
You don't answer windows.
How fun for you. Cam made a little mistake.
I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head. Uh...
The way a baby smells is on both.
Okay, all right. Pros? Go.
Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling.
(GIGGLES)
A bigger family, an extra vote on whether to pull the plug
on us when we get old.
I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Yeah, and another child would help us figure out
how much of Lily's personality is our fault and what's on her.
It would be nice to be vindicated.
-Okay, other pros. Christmases. -(SIGHS) Oh.
Dipping little toes into the ocean
-for the first time... -Yeah.
...the way a toddler runs towards the door in their jammies...
-Hmm. -...saying "Daddy!" (CHUCKLES)
Okay. You better hit me with some cons. I'm practically ovulating.
Okay. No sleep, car seats...
-Oh. -...diapers,
coughs and colds, all the doctor's appointments,
-plastic toys everywhere. -Everywhere.
Our place is already too small.
-We don't have enough bedrooms. -Mmm-mmm.
Oh, God, the clock is ticking. We have half a day to give them an answer.
-Okay, you know what? No thinking... -(SIGHS)
...on the count of three.
-Say yes or no. -(SIGHS)
One, two, three...
-I don't know. -I can't decide!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, why is there a black Suburban outside with a driver?
My company sent it.
I'm manning the Helo Dynamics booth for the job recruitment fair at Caltech.
Wow! Look at you, being chauffeured in a giant SUV.
When I picture you driving, you're crying in a Prius.
I do cry less when I'm driven.
And that outfit is on point.
Well, I mean, it's sort of a triumphant return for me.
I spent four years there in sweats
with greasy hair, caring only about grades.
The only time anyone ever noticed me
was when I pulled out all my eyebrows during finals week.
Now I have a big job, swanky apartment,
shoes that cost more than my first laptop.
Oh, it's like a rom-com.
You left a nerd, and returned a hot nerd.
(GASPS) Oh! Speaking of hot people,
maybe I should go and recruit for NERP.
For legal reasons, we need a science-y person to endorse product.
Considering we're all a bunch of people who didn't graduate college,
we sell a lot of products that go inside of you.
Yeah. No, it doesn't really work that way.
A, you have to be invited, and B, no self-respecting scientist
is going to endorse the nonsense your company is pushing.
Excuse me, but our copper-infused toothpaste
is on the FDA's top 10 items to watch.
So... (SCOFFS)
Phil. Phil, can you come in here?
I've worked up a little presentation
for my Skype interview, and I would love to get your feedback.
Yes, please.
You've been such a cheerleader for me with all my magic shows
and SCARB dinners, I'd love to be yours. Hit it.
-(INHALES DEEPLY) -I'm gonna stop you right there.
I've been out of work for a few months, and I've gotten kind of antsy.
To channel my anxiety, I have cleaned, I have organized.
-Perhaps a bit obsessively. -Doctors were consulted.
One, a therapist, so not even a real doctor.
But meds were quickly dismissed.
We didn't want the sexual side effects.
Anyway, I am going to channel my anxiety into a career.
I am interviewing for my dream job.
Senior VP of my favorite organizing chain store, Organize 'Em.
-I'm so excited, I could have an organasm. -You're better than that.
So throughout the call, I'm gonna be referring
to this organizational system
that I created using the "Organize 'Em" products.
-Smart. -Yeah, watch.
Oh, Ms. Beckman, what an interesting point. I should jot that down.
Boop... Bop...
-(PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRS) -Bam.
(BUZZ SAW WHIRRING NEARBY)
What the hell is that?
Oh, my God. What...
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
Your dad came over to help me. I gotta fix that step.
It splintered. I wiped out this morning and landed on my head.
Yeah, but my call.
We gotta take care of that before someone gets hurt.
Someone did.
I mean, what if it was Haley with the babies, or Dylan?
Or me. I threw up.
Holy Moses, Gloria was here yesterday in heels. That could've been ugly.
I'm sleepy.
Buddy, you gotta move. Someone's gonna trip over you.
Hey, guys, we can't do this right now. Okay? I've got an interview at 1:23.
Well, that's specific.
No, not for Audrey Beckman.
Her whole life is scheduled down to the second.
She's a god to OCD people.
Why do you think I've got that bumper sticker
that says "Straighten It Like Beckman"?
Can I come down now?
If I don't have the babies' bottles when they wake up, they're mean.
You're not even in the terrible twos yet.
Oh. When do those start?
Okay, look, it's almost time.
Just, please, nobody make any noise, nobody go in that office.
I have all my ducks in a row.
I'm just gonna run upstairs and change my shirt.
-Uh, okay, but be careful. -I know what I'm doing, honey.
-I've got this. -(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, boy! Oh, God!
My leg is stuck! Somebody do something.
I'm really good at getting rings off. Do you want me to butter your thighs?
Hey, Dylan, sometimes I like to play things out
in my head first, if that's helpful.
(TEXT MESSAGE TONE CHIMES)
Hey, honey, we need to talk to you about something.
Sweetie, this is something pretty big, and I want you to brace yourself.
(MITCHELL INHALES DEEPLY)
The adoption agency called...
I'm not going back.
Do you know what happens to soft, entitled kids in Da Nang?
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, n... No, no.
There's a baby boy.
Oh.
I think you should do it.
Really? Just like that?
Whatever stops you dropping by my sleepovers.
-You guys are way too focused on me. -(MITCHELL SIGHS)
Plus, I think it'd be fun to have a baby brother.
-Oh. -Although...
Although what?
Aren't you guys kind of old to be having a baby?
I'm getting into the juicy part of my teen years.
I don't want to have to take over for you.
-Okay... We are not that old. -(MITCHELL CHUCKLES)
-You're like 50. -(MITCHELL GASPS)
Oh, my God!
No. Daddy is 44, and I'm 48.
You do realize when the baby's a senior in high school,
you guys will be senior citizens?
-We will not be senior... Sixty-six. -Cam...
I'll be 66.
And I'll be 61.
-Well, 62. -Not until June!
It's not working. My leg is really stuck in there. Oh...
It might be time to return to my idea.
I'm not cutting my leg off.
Think about how fast you would run with a robot leg.
Luke, your mom's not getting a robot leg.
She'd need two, or she'd just run in circles.
JAY: Come on, let's check under the stairs.
Yes, please, and hurry.
What the hell is the matter with this house?
How could two steps be broken?
(SWITCH CLICKS)
My God, the humidity. My hair's gonna frizz out.
That's why I never show any pictures from 'Nam.
No, I totally forgot about the humidifier for my mushroom log.
It needed darkness and moisture. It must have rotted the wood.
-(PIPES CLANGING) -(PHIL GRUNTS)
Wow, honey, you're really wedged in here tight.
CLAIRE: Yeah, no kidding.
Why can't you buy your mushrooms at a store like a normal person?
Store-bought mushrooms?
You really don't get my generation, boomer. Maybe this will enlighten you.
Open up.
-Get your hand away from my... -PHIL: Open up.
That's damn good.
Why do I always default to no? Is Gloria right?
Should I try slim-cut jeans?
Guys, what's going on down there?
Your foot's stuck between two copper pipes.
We're gonna have to cut it. It might take a while.
I don't have a while.
I can't believe this. I'm going to miss my interview.
And this was my dream job.
I was gonna get to organize the whole world,
and now everything's gonna stay so messy.
Can't you just reschedule it?
No. Phil, I'd look like a flake.
This is an organizational company, not the loosey-goosey world of real estate
where everything's,
"See you noon to 3:00, and I'll bring the cookies."
I'm sorry. I'm lashing out.
No, it's okay. The lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.
Honey, just take the call from there.
How ridiculous would I look taking a call on stairs?
Plus, I need my shelves.
'Cause I had this whole thing worked out with the products.
You don't need gimmicks.
You were the CEO for Pritchett's freaking Closets.
You know how many people can say that?
Me and you.
And Margaret, every five years when I went under for my colonoscopy.
Fine. Give me my phone. I'll bomb the interview from right here.
She's lost her confidence. She needs those shelves.
You know what? If she can't get to the office,
we can bring the office to her.
You're staring. I'm frizzing, aren't I?
-(CAR DOOR OPENS) -(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS)
ALEX: I've got to admit, walking onto that campus,
all those eyes on me, the adoration...
It felt good. It felt right.
Like I had earned everything that was coming my way.
You suck!
No, you!
-What? -Helo Dynamics is evil.
Excuse me? We help people.
Yeah, people like fascists, dictators, oligarchs.
What are you talking about? We make things like facial scanners
that detect predisposition to genetic diseases.
Which oppressive governments use to identify political dissidents.
(SCOFFS) Well, I mean, it's also used on video chats
to turn yourself into a unicorn. Name one thing more fun.
Why don't you walk your fancy shoes out of here, you sellout?
Why is someone wearing socks and sandals yelling at your fabulous shoes?
-BOY 1: Sellout! -I don't know.
And what are you doing here?
I'm recruiting for NERP. I told you I need a science-y person.
You can't just saunter in here. You have to be approved.
Oh. Hey, kid. You don't care what you look like. You must be smart.
Wanna work at a place that has a lot of hot girls?
Stop it! Could you make this horrible situation any worse?
Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
I didn't do that.
ALL: (CHANTING) Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
I've never seen nerds swarm like this before.
We're not typically a clustering people.
Oh, my God! It's Arvin.
No. I emailed him I'd be here.
Oh, this is going to be so awkward for me.
The last time I saw him, I broke his heart.
Awkward for you?
These people hate me so much, they're making eye contact.
Alex, hi. What's all the... Haley?
Arvin. Hi.
I didn't know you'd be here.
(SIGHS) This isn't going to be easy to say.
I got married, and I have twins.
ARVIN: I know. Yes.
It was the lead story in Dylan's holiday newsletter.
You sure you haven't been stalking a little?
No, no, that's why.
Alex, is this directed at you?
Yes. Yes, it is. And they are so mean!
ALL: (CHANTING) Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
Uh, excuse me. Uh...
You all know I'm a cool guy, right?
I'm chill with you calling me "Arvin." We had class outside that one time.
Hmm? Will you just give us a minute?
I assure you, she will feel the full effects of my rage.
(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
-So, how have you been? -Not so great.
-They're not fans of your employer? -Which is so unfair.
I'm doing very advanced research that could have far-reaching implications.
Yeah. Of course you are. One sec.
-How do you sleep at night? -Okay, so you too?
No, of course not. I'm not here to judge you or your boss.
-Satan! -(CROWD CHEERING)
Anyway, I just thought I'd drop by and say a quick hello.
Haley, lovely to see you.
You have to move on.
Alex, I wish you nothing but the best. Okay.
Right, guys. Now with feeling.
ALL: (CHANTING) Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
What Lily said really got to us. Maybe we are too old to have a new baby.
Yesterday I found hairs on my ears and I yelled at the local news.
-And I called Seinfeld "Steinfeld." -(INHALES SHARPLY)
You know, but on the other hand,
there are a lot of men our age having babies.
Yes, but they have second wives and nannies,
who are often the same person.
We just needed to talk to a parent that had a baby when they were old.
You must be mistaken, because I had Joe when I was 35.
No, I remember, you had just turned...
She's not gonna budge. Okay, just tell us, how hard is it?
Well, are there nights where you don't sleep
and you want to kill yourself? Of course.
Are there shooting pains in your back
from picking the baby and putting him down? Constantly.
Okay, well, is there a "but"?
It's hanging in there, but it's not the same.
Look, I know that you guys worry that you're too old,
or too slow to have a baby at this age, but guess what.
-You can! -(CAM EXCLAIMS)
What the hell was that?
A doll. It was supposed to prove that you guys were ready to have a baby,
but if this was a real one, you would've killed it.
Well, wouldn't it be your fault for throwing it?
Give me a break. I was trying something.
I'm in the middle of selling a house.
Oh, yeah. It's very cute, by the way. How many bedrooms is it?
Three and a den.
Oh, that's one more than we have. Mitchell, this house, huh?
Cam, I can't even begin to think about a house
when we haven't even made a decision about whether or not we're gonna...
But maybe it's a sign. You know, the new job goes away,
baby comes along, and all of a sudden,
we're standing in a charming three-bedroom...
Three and a half bath.
Which, holy cow, we could afford
if we just switch back to grocery store face cream.
-No. -And it's in a great school district.
You know what? She's right about that.
They have a full-time nurse.
We have a Band-Aid jar and a can of ginger ale.
Okay. We already have too much on our plate. We're not buying this house.
Oh, and in the basement, they have a karaoke room
for people that want to impersonate divas without their fathers seeing them.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look.
(JAY GRUNTS)
I don't know, guys. Does it really look like I'm in my office?
Jaws wasn't a real shark,
but I still wouldn't sit
-on a toilet seat for months. -(CLAIRE SIGHS)
How's this angle, Mom?
Um... Eh, fine, I guess.
My cheek is itching. Is there something on my face?
Admiral Ackbar, what the hell happened to you?
I'll bet it was your stupid mushrooms.
Why do I try new things? I'm sticking to my Brett Favre jeans.
-(RINGING ON LAPTOP) -Oh, God! That's her,
that's her. Shh! Everybody, quiet.
Wait. I have to get up there with the babies...
Shh! Sit!
(KEYBOARD CLACKS)
Hi, Ms. Beckman. Thank you so much for this...
-(JAY SNEEZES) -(CLAIRE FEIGNS SNEEZING)
...opportunity.
You're welcome. (SNEEZES)
Uh...
I wasn't mocking you.
It's just that whenever I hear someone sneeze, I have to sneeze, too,
so that it's an even number.
It's perfectly normal.
Oh. No, I completely understand.
A few years ago, I forgot to tap the towel rod twice
when I got out of the shower, and we lost George Michael that day, so...
(WHISPERING) That was you?
BECKMAN: Let me tell you a little bit about our company.
Oh. I'd love that, but first, I'd like to take some notes.
(CRASHING)
(WHISPERING) Tilt up!
It's what I love about this industry.
Never a dull moment.
(WHISPERING) It's not plugged in!
(PHIL IMITATES PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING)
-(CLAIRE BLOWS) -(PHIL GRUNTS)
We like to think of Organize 'Em as a wellness company...
(ALL SNEEZING)
A mindfulness company...
(SHELF CREAKING)
Are your shelves shaking?
Uh...
Yeah. Yeah. I think we're having a little earthquake.
You know what? Why don't I tell you a little something
about myself?
I like to think that I'm the kind of person
who can see where the consumer trends are leaning,
adjust quickly and lean back the other direction.
(JAY GROANING SOFTLY)
-(PHIL GRUNTS) -(BABY COOING)
Oh, my God!
Do I love organizing.
Baby, do I love it.
Ms. Dunphy, have you been drinking?
Just lie. She can't smell your breath.
No, Poppy, no!
(JAY SCREAMS)
-Oh... -(CRASHING)
-What the hell is happening? -I'm calling it.
I'm sorry, Ms. Beckman. This was a terrible idea.
Okay. I fell through a step, and my leg is stuck.
And, listen, there's no company I would rather work for.
I didn't want to cancel on you,
so I asked my family to make it look like this was my office.
Jay Pritchett, closeteer, but you probably know that.
(BOTH SNEEZING)
Could you just please get him out of my earshot?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Listen.
I wanted you to think that I was a person who had it all together, but I'm not.
The reality is I live in chaos.
But that's why I love your products.
When my kids are fighting, or the grandkids are crying,
or my husband is making pancakes on a pogo stick,
I know that I can go into my office
and file bills in a color-coded divider,
and experience one moment of peace.
(SIGHS)
I know I'm what your company needs,
because I know how much I need your company.
(SOFTLY) Wow.
I got the job!
I'm so proud of her. I guess it's our lucky step.
(THUDDING)
(LUKE GROANS)
Don't worry. It's just me.
-Oh. -See? (CHUCKLES)
-(ARVIN HUMMING) -(DOOR OPENS)
You know what? You could have defended me.
Hmm. Should I have?
Are you saying you agree with them?
I found their chant rather simplistic.
You know, I would have probably gone with something like,
"Helo Dynamics is a multinational corporation
"that prioritizes profits over ethics."
I knew it. You are judging me.
Do you judge all of your students like this?
Alex...
All my students don't have the potential you do.
You are extraordinary. You are meant to change the world!
It's not just me that thinks it.
-Dylan said so in his newsletter. -Oh, spare me.
The sanctimonious academic looking down on the star pupil
because of her $1,000 shoes.
-Those shoes were $1,000? -Damn it.
Do they come with medicine for a village?
You know what? I hate to say it, but I don't need your approval
because I love what I do.
Ah. Well, I am sorry to hear that.
-Don't be. -I'm sorry,
because I'm assembling a research team to create AI capable of everything,
from discovering exoplanets in deep space to biomarkers of disease in humans.
And you would've been a superb addition
to an exceptional team, but... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Well, Professor, you can take that job
and give it to me.
But I'm going to need you to match my salary.
-I'm not sure we have that kind of money. -Deal.
I'm gonna go see if I can still return these.
And finally back to the beautiful family room.
-It's great. -I mean, it is beautiful.
I can see you both having a delightful misunderstanding here.
-Okay. Now, Mitchell... -MITCHELL: Hmm?
...you know I'm not usually impulsive.
Please. You never go to the grocery store alone
and not come home with a balloon.
That bathroom upstairs is amazing.
Yeah, and I do love the idea of me having my own sink.
Our housekeeper would finally realize who the real villain is.
Okay, so we should do it. Let's do it.
-Buy this house? -Yeah.
We haven't even made a decision about the baby yet.
Oh. Another broker just sent me a text.
An offer is coming at 6:00.
Great. Another ticking clock.
Let's also disarm a time-bomb while buying Beyoncé tickets online
with an expired credit card.
Okay, that one got to me.
I'm having a hard time breathing.
I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack!
And this big family room with the cozy fireplace
is the perfect place to have that.
Okay. You know what, Gloria? Stop. We need to think.
No, no, we do not need to think. We need to stop this.
Okay, within the span of 18 hours,
we're supposed to completely and utterly change our lives?
No, no big, life-altering decisions should be made that way.
(SIGHS) You're right.
You know, it's... Then... let's not.
-Okay. -It's way too much.
When things are right, it shouldn't be a struggle like this. You just know it.
Yeah, I know.
That little boy, he's gonna find an amazing family, right?
-Of course he is. -Yeah. Yeah.
You know what? I already...
I already feel a little lighter.
-And we don't need the stress of moving. -No.
Because, you know what? I love our house.
-I do, too. -It is not perfect, but neither are we.
-We aren't. -And neither is your car.
Can you please remove that thing from the driveway?
I'm trying to sell a lifestyle here.
-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -MITCHELL: Oh.
-Is it the adoption agency? -Yeah. Um...
-I'll tell them. -Yeah.
Hello.
Yes, my husband and I would love to adopt him.
Let's write up an offer.
-Dad, wake up. -Huh? What happened?
-I think Daddy took a sleeping pill again. -MITCHELL: Oh.
-Is he... -LILY: Yeah.
Okay.
(SINGING IN COUNTRY ACCENT) He taught me to love him and promised to love
And cherish me over all others above
-Come on, sing it with me, Tucson. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
My poor heart is wondering No misery can tell...
Hey, Mitchell, I have a dozen wings for Reba.
Yeah, okay. Thank you so much, Corey. We'll see you next time.
Tony, I'm getting a little feedback in my ear here.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Tony Hammond, ladies and gentlemen!