-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -PHIL: Ah!
Listen to those birds.
Mmm.
Love it out here. It's so peaceful.
We should have done this months ago. I'm going to go for a run.
-Okay, let's just make sure it's safe. -Okay.
(WHISPERING) Okay, now! Go now.
PHIL: Four days ago, Claire and I moved out here to the driveway.
The house exceeded maximum capacity when Alex moved back home.
She quit her fancy job for something low-paying and ethical.
Yay! Between her, Luke, Dylan, Haley and the twins,
things have devolved into total chaos.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Alex! Open up! My hair is drying and I haven't put any product in yet.
Go use Dad's! Ugh! Can I get, like, two minutes to myself?
-PHIL: Oh, my God! -(BABIES CRYING)
Hey! You woke up the babies, you idiot!
-DYLAN: (GROANING) Haley. -Oh, great. Now, he's up.
Darn it, Luke, that was my foot.
Who made macaroni and cheese and left it out?
Sorry, Mrs. D, that was me and Luke.
But in our defense, we were high and got spooked by your German dishwasher.
Well, now the entire kitchen is covered with ants, and so am I.
God, I gotta take a shower.
Well, good luck with that, no more hot water.
Yep. Gonna lose a toenail. There goes sandal season!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-(DOOR OPENS) -CAM: Oh.
-Do you love it? -Oh, my God, you've gotten so much done.
Well, I wanted to finish it before the housewarming.
-It looks so good. -Thank you.
I swear, it's this place. It makes me better at things.
Yesterday, I threw my T-shirt at the laundry basket,
yelled "money" and it almost went in.
It's been a weird and wonderful month.
-We adopted a baby boy. -And we moved into a new home.
Which we love so much,
we named our son after our street, Rexford.
Rex Tucker-Pritchett. With a name like that, he can be anything he wants,
a quarterback, a running back, a middle linebacker.
He's got big feet, maybe he could be a kicker.
Why don't you believe in him, Mitchell?
(CLATTERING)
This is crazy, we're out of everything.
Is that the last of the cereal?
Oh, we haven't had cereal in days. This is formula over croutons.
They're gross.
(SIGHS) Coffee dust.
Ew.
Oh, don't judge me!
You've been wearing bathing suits for underwear
since the washing machine broke.
I wish I had a clean bathing suit.
I had to cut leg holes into a shower cap.
Do I have coffee in my teeth?
Arvin wants to meet before I sign the contract, for some reason.
Ooh.
I bet I know the reason why.
'Cause he wants to get with you.
No, he does not. He's about to be my boss.
Which is why he wants to talk before you sign.
Nowadays, you get in trouble for dating at work,
unless it's a pre-existing relationship.
I know this because I had to go to an HR thing
thanks to some smoking hot janitor who can't take a compliment. (SCOFFS)
Married mother of two, and you are insane.
Arvin doesn't see me that way.
I mean, does he, do you think?
Yes. He gets all nervous and yammery when he's around you.
How do you still not know you're a babe?
Well, I mean, you did call me a frumpy nerd for 20 years.
Well, I didn't stop because I got nicer.
Who ate all the formula and croutons?
Where are Mom and Dad? We need food.
(ALEX SNIFFING)
Wait. What's that smell?
Phil, bacon? They're going to smell that.
Oh, my God, I didn't think about that. Quick, eat it!
(SCREAMING) Worth it! Worth it!
Hey, they have food.
And coffee. Are you guys living in here?
Mom, I need to borrow some underwear.
(DOOR CLOSES)
It's not my fault. I tried to stop him.
Stop who? What happened?
(GASPS)
Ay, your hair! Where is it?
Dad took me to his barber. It was so cool.
Have you heard of Playboy?
-I'm going to kill him. -It gets worse.
He went rogue on Mitch and Cam's housewarming gift.
So he didn't buy the coffee table book about Los Angeles through the decades?
-JAY: Check this out. -Oh, my God!
See? You don't get that reaction from a picture of a dusty guy
picking oranges on Sunset Boulevard.
That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
But I like my hair.
No, not you, sweetie. You're perfect, and no woman will ever deserve you.
Hey, I don't know if you journal,
but you might want to dog-ear today's page for your future therapist.
Jay, you can't be buying home decor things for gays.
Mitch and Cam are going to hate this thing.
No, they won't. The guys are going to love it.
Just like Joe loves his haircut.
Ay. Everybody is going to think that he has lice.
I hope not, bad hygiene is one of Miss September's three biggest turnoffs.
(SIGHS)
Mitchell, I love this house!
-Do you love it? Say you love it. -I do, I love it.
I love the flow, I love the lights, I love the location.
There... There's even a karaoke room in the basement.
(GASPS) So fun!
The last time I had a hot mike in my basement...
You know what? I'm going to wait till there are more people here.
(REXFORD CRYING)
Oh, the baby is awake. Do you wanna meet him?
I do. I can ask him if he liked our gift. We never heard.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hello. -Mr. Tucker. It's Jim Alvarez.
Athletic Director from the University of North Central Missouri.
Uh, yes, of course. How can I help you?
This is a bit of an awkward call.
As you know, you were the runner-up for our head coaching job.
Uh, yes, yes.
You know, Coach Ashley is a great guy, great choice. No hard feelings.
I actually... I sent him a bottle of congratulatory scotch.
Well, he drank it. Then he did a press conference
where he used some colorful language to address a female reporter
-and blamed some things on the Jews. -Oh, my.
The point is, the job is yours, if you still want it.
I'm... I'm sorry. What?
I know this is coming at you fast,
but I'll need an answer by the end of the day.
So talk it over with the mister, and let me know.
Uh, yes. Yes, okay. Thank you... Thank you very much.
(EXHALES)
RONALDO: Look at him. He's perfect.
MITCHELL: I know. I know, it's all perfect.
It's like the universe gave me everything I wanted.
(SIGHS)
(REXFORD FUSSING)
(CAM GROANING)
Okay. (CLAPPING) Family meeting. Please, sit down.
Dylan, please. Thank you.
(CLAIRE SIGHS)
Now, um, this is going to sound harsh.
No parent with half a heart wants to say this. So, Claire?
Fine, I have no problem saying it.
There are too many people living in this house.
(BABY COOS)
It's disgusting.
I think there's something alive in the kitchen sink water.
It's just Sinky.
You didn't turn on the garbage disposal, did you?
Okay... We cannot live this way. One of you has to move out.
-Are you serious? -That's not fair.
-That's not okay. -You can't just spring this on us.
ALEX: I just took a huge salary cut
so it is really not a good time for me to move.
Me neither. I just took a leave of absence from work
to spend more time with my family.
Well, I have two babies and a special needs husband.
It's true. I have a medical condition
that requires a room big enough for a giant mattress.
He sleep-wiggles.
Look, if one of you doesn't volunteer,
your mother is going to have to pick someone.
Well, Haley's the oldest, there's four of them,
and honestly, it's only a matter of time before she gets pregnant again.
-Especially since he's a wiggler. -Whoa, we can say it.
Well, Alex is the one that has the most education.
(SCOFFS) I shouldn't be penalized for being smart.
I'm not running for President.
What about you? Didn't you apply to college?
Yeah, and I never heard back from them. College is rude.
Okay. You can figure this out amongst the three of you
as you clean up the house.
We need a name by the end of the day.
ALEX: Well, it's not going to be me.
I just can't imagine being apart from my best friend.
Nice try, Luke.
-(WHISPERING) Help me, it's working. -Oh, come on.
-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, Cam, look.
Cam? Cam?
Oh, um, sorry. My mind was elsewhere.
Our neighbor just dropped this off. So sweet.
And guess what? She's a pediatrician.
I mean, how lucky is that?
(GROANS) That's amazing!
Now you don't have to ugly up the house with baby-proofing.
Don't ever have kids.
There's champagne, there's truffles, there's caviar...
City folk, huh? I mean, whatever happened to a basket of apples
and a thoughtfully-misspelled note?
I mean, huh?
All right, give us a tour, and make sure it includes the bar.
-Yes! -So, let's start down in the karaoke room
and then we'll work our way up to the master.
Sounds like my dream date.
Sorry, I'm a single father, I never get out.
Is this still how we talk?
Okay, no. All right, right this way.
Okay, I hope the big earthquake that we're long overdue for
doesn't hit while you're down there.
You're being so negative. What is wrong with you?
Okay, look, I have to tell someone,
but you cannot repeat it to anyone, especially Mitchell.
I just got offered the football job that I wanted in Missouri.
-But you just moved in. -I know.
-With a newborn. -I know!
And you were the one pushing for both.
I don't need a recap, it's my crisis!
We're here!
Hey. Hey, guys. Wow, Joe, nice haircut.
-See? -See?
I miss his old hair.
It's cute. He looks like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
I wouldn't mind cruising a few good men.
Again, I'm sorry. I spend all my time at kids' birthday parties.
We're really probably better than this now, right?
Anyways, we brought you a housewarming gift.
Jay deserves all the credit.
-Close your eyes. -Maybe never open them.
-Ta-da! -(GASPS)
He's an old-time barkeep.
Now, check it out. He's a big guy like Cam.
And he's got red hair, like you.
Dad! This is exactly what we needed, a little whimsy! I love it!
No, you don't. Other gays, tell him.
-We love it. -So cheeky.
We're gonna have so much fun with this guy.
We can throw an Uncle Sam hat on him for the Fourth of July,
a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.
Or a rainbow wig for Pride.
Well, it's a piece of art. I don't think you want to make it silly.
So, does this, uh, big fella have a name?
Sure does. Since he's a combo of Cam and Mitch, he's Kitsch!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, he is. Dad, it's perfect.
Great. Now, Mitchell is even happier. I'm gonna die in this house.
-Hi. -Alex, hi. Come in, have a seat.
(ARVIN CHUCKLES)
-So, uh... -So, I guess I'll just get right into it.
I... I didn't see this coming when I asked you to work with me,
and I guess I'm sort of afraid how you... How you might react,
which explains why I'm acting so awkwardly,
and why this sentence won't seem to end,
which is so delightful when Hugh Grant does it,
I just sound like a raving...
-Let me stop you. -Please do.
I think I know what you're trying to say.
Uh, it appears there's some romantic tension between us,
and you're afraid that once I sign my contract,
we won't be able to act on it.
Uh...
Actually, I was... I was just going to tell you
that our project has been moved to Switzerland.
Damn it, Haley!
Then why were you hemming and hawing, and bringing up Hugh Grant,
which takes every girl right to rom-com?
Well, I was afraid that you wouldn't want to move so far, and...
And I feel responsible for you quitting your job.
Forget what I said! So, uh, Switzerland, huh?
-Do they pay for housing? -Uh, actually, yeah.
Perfect, perfect. That solves a big problem for me.
Yup, count me in. See you at the airport.
Oh, hold on. Seems like there's something that we should circle back to.
No, no. No, I'm fine.
Alex, I've never considered a romantic relationship with you.
-Oh, great, let's relive it. -I mean, I'm so much older.
-I dated your sister. -All good reasons.
-I'm at a meter, so... -But if it's something
that isn't completely out of the realm of possibility for you,
then I'd be lying if I said it was out of the realm of possibility for me.
-Oh. -So, let's go back.
You're saying that if we had a pre-existing relationship,
or rather a relationship that existed in a quantum state, like, to entangle...
You don't have to dumb it down, but... But, yes.
We'd be good to go, legally speaking.
Huh.
Well, then, maybe we should create evidence now
of a relationship that may or may not happen later.
What kind of evidence?
I suppose we could exchange saucy texts.
-Seems logical. -Yeah.
Okay.
(MESSAGE TONES)
-"You look beautiful today"? -Is that too much?
No. No, no, no, but maybe delete mine...
Oh, my God! You're so much better at this than I am!
(SOFTLY) Shouldn't have sent it.
-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Hello, you two. -Hey.
-How about a little quiche? -Oh. How European.
Muah. Muah.
Oh, Ronaldo, what's your secret?
Cam got offered that coaching job in Missouri,
and Pepper got his eighth face lift!
-What? -I know.
We don't buy soup anymore
because he can't close his mouth all the way.
-Cam, you got the job? -And you're moving.
Damn it, Ronaldo! Apparently, Pepper's not the only one
who can't keep his mouth closed.
Go, serve your little apps.
(SIGHS)
-I can't believe this. -Okay, don't panic.
I'm... I'm going to turn it down.
Really? But it's what you've always wanted.
I know, but Mitchell, he's... I've never seen him so happy.
And I can't ruin that. I'm...
I'm not even going to tell him I got the offer.
Look, I am not a fan of the idea of you guys leaving,
but if you don't tell Mitchell, you're going to end up resenting him.
No, that's... That's not how I'm built.
I make decisions, move forward, don't look back. No regrets.
(GLASS CLINKING)
Hey, everyone, I just want to thank you all for coming to see our new home,
and meet our precious new roommate, Rexford.
ALL: Aw!
And I also want to thank my wonderful husband,
Cam, who really led the charge and made of all this possible. I...
I couldn't be happier right now, and it's all because of him.
Now, if I could just get him to give up hogging the covers, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
'Cause I haven't given up enough for you!
This is so embarrassing.
I just realized Ronaldo was offering me quiche.
So, you were never going to tell me you got offered the job?
It's just that you just seemed so happy, and I couldn't ask you to give that up.
Cam, you've been wanting to move closer to your family for years.
And this is your dream job. No.
This is my chance to be there for you.
Are you sure?
I... I don't care where we live, as long as you're there by my side.
Always.
ALL: Aw!
All right. Now, let's celebrate with some champagne.
Yeah.
Mitchell... Mitchell, that was beautiful.
Well, everyone was looking at me, what the (BLEEP) was I supposed to say?
(DOOR CLOSES)
How are you feeling?
Uh, it's gonna be weird without them being here all the time.
Plus, they got the new kid.
Poor guy's gonna grow up with those Missouri closets,
thinking that's normal.
It was so sweet how Mitch didn't have to think twice about going.
Well, it's like he said, it's his turn to support Cam.
Almost the same thing I'm trying to do for you,
except I'm pissing you off.
Because you won't do anything the way that I would do it!
-I don't see anyone else complaining. -That's the worst part.
That nobody needs me! It's 2020.
I shouldn't be losing jobs to an old white man.
When Manny gets homesick, who do you think he's going to call?
When Joe has a nightmare, who does he want?
And when I'm sitting here, already sad about Mitchell leaving,
who do you think I want to walk into this room?
-Me? -Of course.
And I think I know what's going on here.
You're feeling guilty about working. Don't.
Do you think I ever felt guilty working while you held down the fort here?
-You sure didn't. -No, and now it's time for you
to go out into the world and crush it.
While you hold down the fort and look pretty?
Well, I'm not just a sex object. I have other gifts.
-(CAR ALARM CHIRPS) -CLAIRE: Oh.
-That was a crazy day. -Yeah.
I'm going to be up for a while tonight.
You want to buckle yourself into bed
and I'll drive you around until you fall asleep?
-until you fall asleep? -(LAUGHS)
You know, I... I don't want to sleep in the driveway.
I don't. I want to sleep in our house with our kids, all of them.
With what's going on with Mitchell and Cam,
I just feel like we're losing enough family as it is.
Funny. I was feeling that, too.
Mmm.
-You came down so hard on them earlier. -Mmm.
-I'll go give them the good news. -Like hell you will!
-Hey. -Hi.
Oh, good, you're home.
Yeah. Are your brother and sister here?
I want to talk about this whole living situation.
Actually, problem solved.
-I'm moving to Switzerland. -What?
They're transferring my research team there.
I get housing and everything, so you're good.
Like, "hot chocolate" Switzerland?
-Oh, hey, did you tell them our news? -Uh, just mine.
Dylan and I are moving out, too.
Oh, but you don't have to.
We want to. You guys are right, it's time for us to go.
We did the math and we realized we had $1 million.
(CHUCKLES)
Then we had Alex check the math, and turns out we don't,
but we do have enough for a cute apartment.
Now that they don't test on animals,
I've made extra money doing clinical trials at work.
The hours are long,
-but the mazes are fun. -(DOOR OPENS)
Sweet, you're all here.
Everyone can relax, I'll be the one who goes.
-Oh, no, no, Luke, it's okay. -No, no, no, I lied before.
I actually did hear back from University of Oregon.
I got in.
-Amazing! -Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
-We're so proud of you. -That's amazing, Luke.
Yeah, congrats.
Wait, you're... You're all moving out?
Really, we are?
-Yeah. -Weird.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, it's Arvin. Sorry, I've got to respond to it.
It's a work thing.
I've gotta get ready. I've got a date.
(BABIES CRYING)
-Oh, there they are. -I bet you're not going to miss that.
ALEX: Oh, Luke, I'm in here!
LUKE: What are you doing?
ALEX: Oh, get out!
-(DOOR SLAMS) -(BABIES CONTINUE CRYING)
I am going to miss this.
(SNIFFLES)
Me, too.
Hey. Everybody's gone.
Look... (SIGHS)
I haven't called the college yet.
I wanted to talk to you first. I know you were being generous up there...
You know me, I... I can be happy anywhere.
No, seriously, after some time, I'll forget all about this place.
We named our son after the street.
So we'll just change his name to the new street.
The coach's house is at the intersection of Route 13 and Burnt Corn Lane.
Dear God, what are we doing? I... I'm not gonna fit in.
What if no one likes me? What if I can't find a job?
Are there... Are there lattes? Are there art house theaters?
What if I never see a black and white movie?
Or a black and white couple?
Hey. Where are we on this move?
That's what Daddy and I are talking about right now, sweetie.
'Cause I have a major project due on Tuesday,
and I'm not saying I haven't started it,
but if you asked to see what I've done so far, there wouldn't be anything.
We're going.
Are you sure?
I'm gonna need a little time to adjust, but we... We are going.
-Are you okay with that? -Totally. I'll reinvent myself.
I'm gonna dye my hair blue and carry around an emotional support pig.
Oh, I know... I know just the pig!
Cam, well, call the college.
Okay, I just want this to be the right thing.
If this ends up hurting the family, I would never forgive myself.
No. No, we're stronger than that, okay? We're gonna be fine.
-Yeah. -(SLOW MUSIC PLAYS)
-Not... Not now, Lily. -You guys are gonna end up singing.
Just get to it.
Excuse me, young lady, having a serious conversation here, okay?
Do not reduce us to a couple of stereotypical...
(SINGING) My love
There's only you in my life
The only thing that's bright
Why do I always have to sing the female part?
My first love
You're every breath that I take
You're every step I make
Ugh! What was I thinking?
You will always be
My endless love
Two hearts Two hearts that beat as one
Ew, I do not like being the first person at a party.
Oh, actually, you're the last one.
Yeah, Sal, everybody's gone.
What? Boo! Gays used to be so fun before kids.
Come on, let's do shots!
You know this house is only a block from my new place.
Well, it's not "mine," but I get to stay there for free
'cause I let the guy who owns it watch me on web cams.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Boo, I'm going to be coming over all the time.
Yay!
And, um, Happy Face Emoji here can babysit my dogs and kid,
and you guys cook, right?
(SIGHS) 'Cause my gummy's kicking in.
Actually, I'm feeling better about the move already.
Yeah.