1 00:00:00,752 --> 00:00:02,718 - Good morning, gentlemen. - Hi. 2 00:00:02,787 --> 00:00:03,886 Max, how'd you sleep? 3 00:00:03,954 --> 00:00:06,355 Oh, I love crashing here! 4 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,431 This is just like college... 5 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:11,284 staying up too late, passing out on the couch, 6 00:00:11,319 --> 00:00:13,238 mean Asian chick down the hall. 7 00:00:13,273 --> 00:00:14,559 Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Where is Lily? 8 00:00:14,594 --> 00:00:16,315 I don't know. S-School, maybe? 9 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,035 - I'm right here. - Oh. 10 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:21,503 We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought 11 00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:24,372 was a tour of pottery cafes, so... 12 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,708 I don't remember much about it, but I do remember thinking 13 00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:29,010 he was the funniest person I've ever met. 14 00:00:29,048 --> 00:00:30,982 And we told him if he ever came into town, 15 00:00:31,050 --> 00:00:34,785 that he had to stay with us. And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes 16 00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:37,106 because I remember being really, uh, paranoid 17 00:00:37,141 --> 00:00:38,146 that he didn't like me. 18 00:00:39,099 --> 00:00:40,899 You two, get out of here. 19 00:00:40,968 --> 00:00:42,234 I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast. 20 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,735 Oh! 21 00:00:43,804 --> 00:00:45,037 Oof. 22 00:00:45,105 --> 00:00:47,906 Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg. 23 00:00:47,975 --> 00:00:50,676 - (LAUGHTER) - Oh, come on! 24 00:00:50,744 --> 00:00:52,622 (WHISPERING) I feel like he was funnier in Europe. 25 00:00:52,647 --> 00:00:54,713 - Yeah. - (GASPS) 26 00:00:54,782 --> 00:00:56,248 Mitchell! Look! 27 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,183 Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? 28 00:00:58,252 --> 00:01:00,619 I... uh, we were saving this for the perfect occasion. 29 00:01:00,688 --> 00:01:04,389 Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed. Who does that? 30 00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:07,859 Just drinks somebody's most expensive bottle of wine without asking? 31 00:01:07,928 --> 00:01:09,461 - Okay, it's a hate crime. - How is it a hate crime? 32 00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:10,896 Because I hate him. 33 00:01:10,965 --> 00:01:13,398 (SIGHS) I ca... I can't believe it's almost gone. 34 00:01:13,467 --> 00:01:15,867 Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice... 35 00:01:15,936 --> 00:01:17,169 once early on election night 36 00:01:17,237 --> 00:01:18,971 and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture. 37 00:01:19,039 --> 00:01:21,306 - I know. It's been a rough year. - MAX: Breakfast! 38 00:01:23,610 --> 00:01:25,310 No, no. 39 00:01:25,379 --> 00:01:26,379 Is that our caviar? 40 00:01:26,447 --> 00:01:29,514 Yeah! Lucky I found it. It was hiding in the back of the fridge. 41 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:31,049 For a special occasion. 42 00:01:31,118 --> 00:01:33,185 - Something wrong? - Yeah... yeah. 43 00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:35,420 Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, 44 00:01:35,489 --> 00:01:37,856 now it's our $200 tin of caviar. 45 00:01:37,925 --> 00:01:39,591 - We were saving those. - For what? 46 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:41,126 A celebration, like... 47 00:01:41,195 --> 00:01:42,627 What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar? 48 00:01:42,696 --> 00:01:44,663 Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes... 49 00:01:44,732 --> 00:01:47,599 Okay, you know what? Look. I'm gonna go, okay? 50 00:01:47,668 --> 00:01:51,003 But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 51 00:01:51,071 --> 00:01:53,538 'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it. 52 00:01:53,607 --> 00:01:56,641 I say, make every night special. 53 00:01:56,710 --> 00:01:58,977 Okay, well, that's a... that's a fun philosophy, 54 00:01:59,046 --> 00:02:00,312 but not everyone can follow that, okay? 55 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,114 'Cause... 'Cause we have responsibilities. 56 00:02:02,182 --> 00:02:05,150 We have... We have budgets. We have a daughter, you know. 57 00:02:05,219 --> 00:02:06,385 Where is our daughter? 58 00:02:06,453 --> 00:02:08,053 - I don't know. Backyard, maybe? - Maybe. 59 00:02:15,472 --> 00:02:20,472 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 60 00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:25,370 Earl Chambers, my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, 61 00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:27,372 bought the old horizontal wardrobe. 62 00:02:27,441 --> 00:02:30,075 For you closet non-pros, that means he died. 63 00:02:30,144 --> 00:02:34,179 Then last week, I received this urn and this note. 64 00:02:34,248 --> 00:02:38,283 "You know what to do with my ashes. Follow the path." 65 00:02:38,352 --> 00:02:40,419 What the hell does that mean? 66 00:02:40,487 --> 00:02:43,121 You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't. 67 00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:45,657 He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid. 68 00:02:45,726 --> 00:02:47,893 I still can't figure out the meaning of "Follow the path!" 69 00:02:47,961 --> 00:02:49,361 I'm gonna need you to call Shirl 70 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,530 and find out why her father's been torturing me. 71 00:02:51,598 --> 00:02:53,331 - You call her! - That's not an option. 72 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,600 She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father, 73 00:02:55,669 --> 00:02:57,269 and for some reason, she doesn't like me. 74 00:02:57,337 --> 00:02:59,504 Hmm... I'll see what I can do. 75 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:08,413 Oh... 76 00:03:08,482 --> 00:03:10,415 Hey, Manny! What's up? 77 00:03:10,484 --> 00:03:11,917 I'm not here! Everything's fine! 78 00:03:11,985 --> 00:03:14,386 - Super-dupes. - Okay, I'll... I'll... I'll talk. 79 00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,289 Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, 80 00:03:17,357 --> 00:03:19,424 and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since. 81 00:03:19,493 --> 00:03:21,126 What? Where did you see him last? 82 00:03:21,195 --> 00:03:22,360 He went off with this girl. 83 00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:23,395 - With a girl? - Yeah. 84 00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:25,530 (LAUGHS) Manny. 85 00:03:25,599 --> 00:03:27,766 Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men. 86 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,534 When we come into contact with a lady, 87 00:03:29,603 --> 00:03:31,236 we leave her with a burning sensation. 88 00:03:31,305 --> 00:03:32,704 Let me try that again. 89 00:03:32,773 --> 00:03:35,707 Um... when a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, 90 00:03:35,776 --> 00:03:36,942 he's just gotta get in it. 91 00:03:37,010 --> 00:03:38,243 - No! - I get the point. 92 00:03:38,312 --> 00:03:39,978 Look, I'm just glad you came to me... 93 00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:41,580 I didn't. You caught me here. 94 00:03:41,648 --> 00:03:43,949 ...'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this. 95 00:03:44,017 --> 00:03:46,051 Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail. 96 00:03:47,187 --> 00:03:49,054 Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob. 97 00:03:49,123 --> 00:03:51,289 I really think you should be a little worried about this. 98 00:03:51,358 --> 00:03:52,557 Worried?! 99 00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,092 Let me tell you something about Dunphy men. 100 00:03:54,161 --> 00:03:56,595 Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood. 101 00:03:56,663 --> 00:03:58,897 Tell you what, if it makes you feel better, 102 00:03:58,966 --> 00:04:00,465 we'll go down there and look around for him. 103 00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:03,001 We're gonna need backup... serious backup. 104 00:04:03,070 --> 00:04:04,936 (TRAFFIC PASSING BY) 105 00:04:05,005 --> 00:04:06,605 Okay, be cool. 106 00:04:06,673 --> 00:04:08,206 I used to live in this neighborhood. 107 00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:10,542 If you act tough, nobody will mess with you. 108 00:04:11,945 --> 00:04:12,945 MAN: Hey! 109 00:04:14,615 --> 00:04:15,714 Would you like to try 110 00:04:15,782 --> 00:04:17,949 a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone? 111 00:04:18,018 --> 00:04:19,518 - What? - Free sample. 112 00:04:19,586 --> 00:04:21,086 You can get a larger one down at our stand. 113 00:04:21,155 --> 00:04:22,287 We also refurbish tubas. 114 00:04:22,356 --> 00:04:23,855 No, thank you. 115 00:04:23,924 --> 00:04:25,624 What happened to my neighborhood? 116 00:04:25,692 --> 00:04:27,392 Have the best day. 117 00:04:28,428 --> 00:04:31,563 White people with beards... they ruined everything. 118 00:04:31,632 --> 00:04:34,032 Why would you even say that this place was dangerous? 119 00:04:34,101 --> 00:04:36,801 It was a lot scarier at dark. There was jazz. 120 00:04:38,972 --> 00:04:40,338 Luke's still not answering. 121 00:04:40,407 --> 00:04:41,907 We're gonna find him, Phil. 122 00:04:41,975 --> 00:04:43,675 Oh, I-I'm not worried. I've been there. 123 00:04:43,744 --> 00:04:45,877 Meet a girl, you lose track of place and time, 124 00:04:45,946 --> 00:04:47,546 not just 'cause your compass watch is missing, 125 00:04:47,614 --> 00:04:49,514 and suddenly her cousin Rodney has the exact same watch 126 00:04:49,583 --> 00:04:50,815 but swears it was always his. 127 00:04:50,884 --> 00:04:53,185 Oh, look! Mario's Bodyshop. 128 00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:55,720 At least one thing is still the same. 129 00:04:55,791 --> 00:04:57,491 There's nothing that happens in this street 130 00:04:57,559 --> 00:04:59,159 that Mario doesn't know about. 131 00:04:59,228 --> 00:05:00,528 Let's go over there. 132 00:05:01,799 --> 00:05:04,767 So, red lights are flashing, alarms are blaring. 133 00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:08,204 We're about 10 seconds from a meltdown so hot 134 00:05:08,272 --> 00:05:11,140 it's gonna turn Belgium into a pool of hot chocolate. 135 00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:12,842 And I suddenly realize, 136 00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:15,478 they haven't properly accounted for the relativistic distort... 137 00:05:15,546 --> 00:05:16,912 Hey, what's this building's number? 138 00:05:16,981 --> 00:05:18,747 - I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie. - Shh! 139 00:05:18,765 --> 00:05:22,667 I quickly do a few multi-dimensional tensor calculations in my head, 140 00:05:22,736 --> 00:05:26,804 I push this crying guard to one side and adjust the synchrotron. 141 00:05:27,181 --> 00:05:29,214 I look up at the countdown clock. 142 00:05:29,283 --> 00:05:30,416 5... 143 00:05:30,484 --> 00:05:31,617 4... 144 00:05:31,686 --> 00:05:35,087 (CELLPHONE RINGS) 145 00:05:35,156 --> 00:05:37,990 You, with the phone! 146 00:05:38,059 --> 00:05:39,958 - What's your name? - Alex Dunphy. 147 00:05:40,027 --> 00:05:42,461 Ms. Dunphy, is my story of saving the world 148 00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:46,798 whilst accidently creating three new elements boring you? 149 00:05:46,808 --> 00:05:49,208 Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry, Professor. 150 00:05:49,277 --> 00:05:50,810 Nothing you could say would ever bore me. 151 00:05:50,879 --> 00:05:52,045 I revere you. 152 00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:54,113 I actually went as you last year for Halloween. 153 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,849 Okay, it's my phone. Don't blame my sister. 154 00:05:56,918 --> 00:05:59,585 Hey, Chelsea. Gonna have to call you back. 155 00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:02,121 - (GASPS) Shut up! Shut up! - Shut up! 156 00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:04,123 Excuse me, Chelsea's friend. 157 00:06:04,192 --> 00:06:06,092 Y-You don't look like one of my students. 158 00:06:06,161 --> 00:06:08,628 Oh, thank you! That is so sweet. 159 00:06:08,697 --> 00:06:10,396 No. Why are you here? 160 00:06:10,465 --> 00:06:12,265 Oh, I have a really big job interview today, 161 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:14,367 and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my... 162 00:06:14,436 --> 00:06:16,703 Yeah, we're going. I'm taking her out. I am so sorry. 163 00:06:16,771 --> 00:06:19,541 What? He asked. You're being rude. 164 00:06:19,808 --> 00:06:20,808 Ohh! 165 00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:22,875 Ooh. (LAUGHS) 166 00:06:22,944 --> 00:06:24,444 - Very revealing. - Get out. 167 00:06:25,974 --> 00:06:27,543 Claire, I'm so glad you called. 168 00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:29,106 How come we've never done this before? 169 00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:30,464 Because we were born into a feud. 170 00:06:30,584 --> 00:06:32,794 Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, 171 00:06:32,930 --> 00:06:36,072 the... the closet lunatic and the closet idiot. 172 00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,513 By the way, I'm really sorry about your dad. 173 00:06:38,538 --> 00:06:39,563 Thanks. 174 00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:42,486 Do you have any idea why he had his ashes sent to my dad? 175 00:06:42,521 --> 00:06:44,803 - Probably to drive him bonkers. - Well, it's working. 176 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,137 That would've made him happy. 177 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,451 Let's make a pact... to never be like them. 178 00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:50,777 - I am in. - Mm-hmm. 179 00:06:50,812 --> 00:06:52,928 We are two women in a male-dominated industry. 180 00:06:52,963 --> 00:06:54,351 We should help each other. 181 00:06:54,386 --> 00:06:58,002 Actually, do you have any sources for antique pineapple knobs? 182 00:06:58,037 --> 00:06:59,816 We're doing this whole colonial line... 183 00:06:59,851 --> 00:07:02,215 Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know. He's our lead designer. 184 00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:04,929 Everybody knows who Lazlo is. He's a legend. 185 00:07:04,964 --> 00:07:06,837 Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn. 186 00:07:06,872 --> 00:07:08,922 Robot workers. Now, that's the future. 187 00:07:08,957 --> 00:07:10,743 Right! They work 24/7, 188 00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:12,766 and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake. 189 00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,235 Yeah, and as they become more human, 190 00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:16,266 you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", 191 00:07:16,301 --> 00:07:18,948 - and then you just go to town on them. - Yeah. 192 00:07:20,412 --> 00:07:22,813 (GASPS) What the hell? 193 00:07:22,881 --> 00:07:24,581 What happened to the bodyshop? 194 00:07:24,650 --> 00:07:25,982 Oh, we just kept the sign. 195 00:07:26,051 --> 00:07:28,218 Oh, uh, so... so no M-Mario? 196 00:07:28,287 --> 00:07:30,520 Mnh-mnh. We're an artist collective. 197 00:07:30,589 --> 00:07:31,888 Jillian works in yarn, 198 00:07:31,957 --> 00:07:35,592 Mumford sculpts with Lego, Duncan is a painter. 199 00:07:35,661 --> 00:07:36,661 May I write you a poem? 200 00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:39,429 - Are you kidding me? - I told you it was a career. 201 00:07:39,511 --> 00:07:42,979 Um, any chance that you have, uh, seen my son? 202 00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:44,280 No, I'm sorry. 203 00:07:44,349 --> 00:07:46,315 Oh, okay. He... He was around here last night. 204 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:48,342 He apparently wentoff with a girl from this neighborhood. 205 00:07:48,410 --> 00:07:49,877 We just haven't been able to reach him since. 206 00:07:49,945 --> 00:07:53,013 - Do you know the girl's name? - No. Uh, something Latin-y. 207 00:07:53,082 --> 00:07:56,049 What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y. 208 00:07:56,118 --> 00:07:59,652 - Can you describe her? - Brown hair, high cheekbones... 209 00:07:59,732 --> 00:08:03,100 What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos? 210 00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:07,471 - Huh, that is surprisingly effective. - (GASPS) 211 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:09,540 Wait a minute. I know that girl. 212 00:08:09,609 --> 00:08:11,442 I think she works at a cupcake shop. 213 00:08:11,511 --> 00:08:13,043 Great. Where is it? 214 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,000 Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four. 215 00:08:15,069 --> 00:08:17,069 There's Cupcakes! with an exclamation point, 216 00:08:17,137 --> 00:08:18,870 there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, 217 00:08:18,939 --> 00:08:20,872 there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, 218 00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:22,876 and then there's Rick's VCR Repair. 219 00:08:22,911 --> 00:08:25,072 Oh, they make the best cupcakes. 220 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,377 Stupid Max, forcing us to eat our caviar 221 00:08:27,446 --> 00:08:29,212 on a regular Friday morning. 222 00:08:29,281 --> 00:08:30,847 I can't even enjoy the symphony of flavors, 223 00:08:30,916 --> 00:08:32,882 or the... or the way that it melts in my mouth. 224 00:08:32,951 --> 00:08:35,051 Why don't you just wash it down with whatever wine's left. 225 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,120 Yeah, why don't I. 226 00:08:36,188 --> 00:08:37,353 - Cheers. - Cheers. 227 00:08:39,089 --> 00:08:40,622 Mmm, and, of course, you know what? 228 00:08:40,691 --> 00:08:42,123 It pairs perfectly. 229 00:08:42,192 --> 00:08:45,427 I-I cannot believe I'm having one of the best meals of my life 230 00:08:45,495 --> 00:08:46,795 and we're not even celebrating anything. 231 00:08:46,863 --> 00:08:47,996 Yeah, thanks, Max! 232 00:08:48,065 --> 00:08:49,631 - Thank you, Max. - Thank you, Max. 233 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:50,832 (SCOFFS) 234 00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:51,901 Mmm... 235 00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:56,071 Cam, is it... is it... is it possible 236 00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:57,806 that we're actually enjoying ourselves 237 00:08:57,874 --> 00:08:59,540 and... and that Max was right? 238 00:08:59,584 --> 00:09:01,050 Maybe we do defer enjoyment. 239 00:09:01,119 --> 00:09:03,019 All those unspent frequent flyer miles, 240 00:09:03,088 --> 00:09:04,654 the boots that I have waited so long to wear 241 00:09:04,722 --> 00:09:05,988 that they're no longer in style, 242 00:09:06,057 --> 00:09:08,057 the... the... the surfboards 243 00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:09,849 that we've never used because it just 244 00:09:09,874 --> 00:09:11,494 "had to be the perfect beach day". 245 00:09:11,563 --> 00:09:13,029 (SIGHS) 246 00:09:13,098 --> 00:09:14,464 What are you doing? 247 00:09:14,533 --> 00:09:16,212 - Mitchell... - I'm lighting it. 248 00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:17,800 - No! - I'm lighting it! 249 00:09:17,835 --> 00:09:19,235 No, that is our monogrammed wedding candle, 250 00:09:19,304 --> 00:09:20,603 and we're supposed to save it. 251 00:09:20,672 --> 00:09:22,705 For what, Cam? 252 00:09:22,774 --> 00:09:24,107 - I don't know! - You don't know. 253 00:09:24,175 --> 00:09:25,675 - I don't. - You don't know. 254 00:09:25,744 --> 00:09:28,211 Ohh... look at it. 255 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,579 (SNIFFING) Smells like eternal love. 256 00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:34,268 - Aww...oh. - O-kay. 257 00:09:35,031 --> 00:09:36,880 (FOOTSTEPS) Why are you always in my office? 258 00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:38,815 - I do my best work in here. - (SIGHS) 259 00:09:38,884 --> 00:09:40,917 I've been trying to get into his head. 260 00:09:40,986 --> 00:09:42,586 I even brought his favorite lunch... 261 00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:44,687 shrimp cocktail and bourbon. 262 00:09:44,722 --> 00:09:46,789 Or that's just what you have for lunch every day. 263 00:09:46,824 --> 00:09:48,328 That's another thing Earl stole from me! 264 00:09:48,363 --> 00:09:49,764 - (SIGHS) - What did you find out? 265 00:09:49,799 --> 00:09:52,328 First of all, Shirl doesn't know anything about the ashes. 266 00:09:52,376 --> 00:09:54,676 And second, we're not gonna be a part of your little feud anymore. 267 00:09:54,745 --> 00:09:56,845 - We're gonna be friends. - She's playing you! 268 00:09:56,914 --> 00:09:58,480 - No... - Let me ask you a question. 269 00:09:58,549 --> 00:10:01,185 Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens? 270 00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,270 No. Why? 271 00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:04,219 Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call 272 00:10:04,288 --> 00:10:06,470 saying just out of the blue, 273 00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:09,557 Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us. 274 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,451 Did she see your proposal? 275 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,481 Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure 276 00:10:13,516 --> 00:10:15,566 she rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom. 277 00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:17,744 You went to the bathroom? Why don't you just give her the company?! 278 00:10:17,769 --> 00:10:18,941 Oh, God. 279 00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,625 - Bingo! Ketchup! - What does that prove? 280 00:10:22,694 --> 00:10:25,328 - Did she have ketchup for lunch? - She had... French fries. 281 00:10:25,397 --> 00:10:26,863 There's your smoking gun. 282 00:10:26,932 --> 00:10:30,544 Margaret? I'm gonna need fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head. 283 00:10:30,579 --> 00:10:31,915 No! No, Shirl wouldn't have done this. 284 00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:33,075 Um, bad news. 285 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:35,404 Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, 286 00:10:35,475 --> 00:10:37,215 but they were all just bought up by Closets... 287 00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:38,244 - No. - ...Closets... 288 00:10:38,311 --> 00:10:40,911 - No, Margaret! - ...Closets Closets. 289 00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:43,881 (SIGHS) Shirl screwed me. 290 00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:45,350 You know what you have to do? 291 00:10:45,418 --> 00:10:46,651 You've got to hit her where it hurts. 292 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,921 - What does she value most? - Lazlo. 293 00:10:50,478 --> 00:10:53,645 I don't think you understand how humiliating that was for me. 294 00:10:53,714 --> 00:10:55,848 There are parts of me that will never uncringe. 295 00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:59,251 Oh, my God! So I interrupted some boring story. 296 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,488 Dr. Arvin Fennerman is a two-time Vanderkoff Grant winner... 297 00:11:02,556 --> 00:11:04,523 one for philosophy and one for geometry. 298 00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:05,809 You can't put him into a box because... 299 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,364 Could you please just read my sample? 300 00:11:07,399 --> 00:11:11,116 This job is important to me. This is my one shot at a real career. 301 00:11:11,151 --> 00:11:12,731 Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? 302 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,090 I've seen this NERP business. 303 00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:17,008 Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. 304 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,936 Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism? 305 00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:21,544 No. Turns out there are no laws against 306 00:11:21,579 --> 00:11:24,923 eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines. 307 00:11:24,958 --> 00:11:28,496 But she's a success story. Child star, Bond girl, 308 00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:31,257 indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme. 309 00:11:31,292 --> 00:11:33,887 - Don't you mean Ponzi scheme? - Sadly, no. 310 00:11:33,922 --> 00:11:36,437 So, out of desperation, she invented NERP, 311 00:11:36,472 --> 00:11:38,697 and next thing you know... boom! Empire. 312 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:40,187 I just want to be a part of something great. 313 00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:43,149 Well, if I'm being honest, your writing sample's actually pretty good. 314 00:11:43,205 --> 00:11:44,371 Really?! Thank you. 315 00:11:44,439 --> 00:11:45,805 Oh, my God. It's Dr. Fennerman. 316 00:11:45,874 --> 00:11:47,512 Don't think, don't breathe, keep your head down. 317 00:11:47,537 --> 00:11:48,537 O-kay. 318 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,346 Hello. 319 00:11:53,415 --> 00:11:54,881 Sorry! Hello, Doctor. 320 00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:57,484 - Would you like down sit? - What? 321 00:11:57,552 --> 00:11:59,719 Kind, that's very you of, Alex. 322 00:12:01,257 --> 00:12:03,758 Um... tell me again, why were you in my class? 323 00:12:03,826 --> 00:12:05,326 I have a very big interview 324 00:12:05,394 --> 00:12:07,128 with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just... 325 00:12:07,196 --> 00:12:08,996 Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right? 326 00:12:09,065 --> 00:12:10,331 Yes, I know. 327 00:12:10,399 --> 00:12:11,999 People complain about the diarrhea all the time, 328 00:12:12,018 --> 00:12:13,033 but that is the point. 329 00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:15,369 Her science is utter nonsense. 330 00:12:15,392 --> 00:12:17,359 I mean, space stickers that give you energy, 331 00:12:17,428 --> 00:12:21,263 and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, and seriously... $1,200 socks? 332 00:12:21,332 --> 00:12:22,731 Those sheep eat nothing but sushi. 333 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,500 - Are we done here? - Surprisingly, not. 334 00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:28,003 This might sound crazy, but... 335 00:12:28,072 --> 00:12:30,201 - I'm going to marry you. - What?! 336 00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:33,007 I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl? 337 00:12:33,065 --> 00:12:35,299 No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. 338 00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:38,836 Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running 339 00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:42,272 dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, 340 00:12:42,341 --> 00:12:44,742 and... and they all end with us... 341 00:12:44,810 --> 00:12:46,310 (INHALES) ... together. 342 00:12:46,378 --> 00:12:48,678 I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but... 343 00:12:48,709 --> 00:12:49,975 Oh, I have plenty of those. 344 00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:51,743 Um, are you a neuro-electrical current 345 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,046 because you've been running through my mind all day? 346 00:12:54,114 --> 00:12:55,314 But th-th-that's not what this is. 347 00:12:55,382 --> 00:12:57,583 This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy. 348 00:12:57,651 --> 00:12:59,885 - Ew, how do you know my name? - I know everything. 349 00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:01,853 Also, your pass has your name written on it. 350 00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:03,288 I think I'm gonna pass out. 351 00:13:03,357 --> 00:13:06,892 Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone. 352 00:13:06,961 --> 00:13:09,394 Um, you just tap to accept it. 353 00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:12,018 Uh, yeah, not gonna... tap that. 354 00:13:12,087 --> 00:13:13,320 I think you will. 355 00:13:14,256 --> 00:13:18,258 Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand... 356 00:13:18,327 --> 00:13:21,761 measurable forces that... can't be explained, 357 00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:24,998 but cannot be denied... 358 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,900 and that's... that's what this is. 359 00:13:28,036 --> 00:13:31,137 I don't get it, but... I know that it's real. 360 00:13:32,841 --> 00:13:34,841 Wow! (LAUGHING) 361 00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,476 That was so dumb! 362 00:13:36,545 --> 00:13:37,811 What? No, it wasn't. 363 00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:39,079 You're... You're dumb. 364 00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:41,548 That's gonna stick. I'm... I'm in your head. 365 00:13:41,617 --> 00:13:42,749 - Okay. - You'll see. 366 00:13:42,818 --> 00:13:44,484 Sure, buddy. Now try and walk away cool. 367 00:13:44,553 --> 00:13:46,019 - Oh, I will. - Okay. 368 00:13:49,889 --> 00:13:51,155 We were standing right here making out. 369 00:13:51,224 --> 00:13:53,054 All of a sudden, he said, "I'll be right back", 370 00:13:53,089 --> 00:13:55,463 and that was the last I saw of him. 371 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:57,455 You guys, my break is over, but I hope you find him. 372 00:13:57,524 --> 00:13:58,823 Thank you for your help, 373 00:13:58,892 --> 00:14:01,192 and the cupcakes are delicious, by the way. 374 00:14:01,261 --> 00:14:03,094 - Those are for dogs. - Oh, no. 375 00:14:03,163 --> 00:14:05,030 Ay, Phil, are you okay? 376 00:14:05,098 --> 00:14:06,398 Yeah, yeah. 377 00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:08,633 I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation 378 00:14:08,702 --> 00:14:11,236 why Luke would abandon a make-out session. 379 00:14:11,304 --> 00:14:14,739 No, there isn't. A Dunphy man would never do that. 380 00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:17,492 We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, 381 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,194 but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting! 382 00:14:20,263 --> 00:14:21,529 You have to stay positive. 383 00:14:21,598 --> 00:14:24,932 Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn. 384 00:14:24,966 --> 00:14:27,399 I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, 385 00:14:27,468 --> 00:14:29,702 but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't. 386 00:14:29,770 --> 00:14:31,770 I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, 387 00:14:31,839 --> 00:14:34,206 but then Jay will have lost a daughter. I'll have to smother him, too. 388 00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:36,175 That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern. 389 00:14:36,244 --> 00:14:38,911 - The police are after me! - Get ahold of yourself! 390 00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:40,779 - Ay! - Ow! What the hell? 391 00:14:40,893 --> 00:14:43,093 It wasn't me. Look, I'm still cocked! 392 00:14:43,162 --> 00:14:44,594 It was a shoe. 393 00:14:44,663 --> 00:14:46,163 Wait, that's... 394 00:14:46,231 --> 00:14:48,065 that's Luke's. 395 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,399 LUKE: (HOARSELY) Hey! 396 00:14:49,468 --> 00:14:51,868 Luke! You're okay! 397 00:14:51,937 --> 00:14:53,837 I got stuck on the roof. 398 00:14:53,906 --> 00:14:55,505 (LAUGHING) I'm so relieved! 399 00:14:55,574 --> 00:14:57,707 I don't have to kill your mother! 400 00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:00,343 Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom. 401 00:15:00,412 --> 00:15:01,678 Someone told him it was upstairs, 402 00:15:01,747 --> 00:15:03,080 so he walked all the way up to the roof 403 00:15:03,148 --> 00:15:04,614 and locked himself out. 404 00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:06,483 His phone was dead, and he... he lost his voice 405 00:15:06,552 --> 00:15:08,919 trying to scream over the street musicians. 406 00:15:08,987 --> 00:15:11,922 I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss. 407 00:15:12,664 --> 00:15:14,598 PHIL: Gloria! 408 00:15:14,666 --> 00:15:16,399 Hi. We're stuck. 409 00:15:16,468 --> 00:15:19,102 Could you pop on up and open the door? 410 00:15:19,171 --> 00:15:20,837 (SIGHS) Dunphy men. 411 00:15:24,543 --> 00:15:26,176 Hello, Lazlo. 412 00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:29,612 - It's pronounced "Lazlo". - That's what I said. 413 00:15:29,757 --> 00:15:31,457 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 414 00:15:31,525 --> 00:15:33,125 Have you had a chance to consider our offer 415 00:15:33,194 --> 00:15:34,326 to join Pritchett's Closets? 416 00:15:34,395 --> 00:15:36,829 I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands. 417 00:15:36,897 --> 00:15:39,498 Ah, yes, of course. 418 00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:40,833 We have, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) 419 00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:43,102 ...uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, 420 00:15:43,170 --> 00:15:45,404 an empty office with a drain in the floor..." 421 00:15:45,473 --> 00:15:47,773 - What's a "scream room"? - I think that's self-explanatory. 422 00:15:47,842 --> 00:15:49,208 - Hmm. - SHIRL: Pritchett! 423 00:15:49,276 --> 00:15:50,509 Girl Earl! 424 00:15:50,578 --> 00:15:54,446 You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? 425 00:15:54,589 --> 00:15:55,955 I thought we were friends. 426 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,157 We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs. 427 00:15:58,226 --> 00:15:59,859 - As a gift! - What? 428 00:15:59,927 --> 00:16:01,427 - I had them sent to you. - You did? 429 00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:04,830 Don't listen to her. This is all part of some sick plan. 430 00:16:04,846 --> 00:16:08,647 Stealing Claire's proposals, Earl's urn to get in my head. 431 00:16:08,716 --> 00:16:10,516 But your little games are not gonna work. 432 00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:12,084 Yeah. Yeah, how do you explain 433 00:16:12,153 --> 00:16:14,720 the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries? 434 00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,422 I never use ketchup. 435 00:16:16,491 --> 00:16:18,958 I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo... 436 00:16:19,026 --> 00:16:20,860 undressed. 437 00:16:20,928 --> 00:16:22,747 (VOICE BREAKING) Twiddle-Dee. 438 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,105 You guys have a really complicated relationship. 439 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,229 And what's that red stain? 440 00:16:31,005 --> 00:16:32,438 Shrimp cocktail sauce, uh-oh. 441 00:16:32,506 --> 00:16:33,606 Dad! 442 00:16:33,674 --> 00:16:34,807 - Shirl... - Save it. 443 00:16:34,876 --> 00:16:37,142 We could have been friends. Well, forget it. 444 00:16:37,211 --> 00:16:38,844 Game on. 445 00:16:39,747 --> 00:16:40,980 Shirl... 446 00:16:41,048 --> 00:16:42,448 What is she up to? 447 00:16:42,516 --> 00:16:46,022 No, no. Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend. 448 00:16:46,057 --> 00:16:48,921 I thought I'd finally found an... an ally in this industry, 449 00:16:48,956 --> 00:16:51,712 somebody to... to climb the hill with. 450 00:16:51,747 --> 00:16:54,644 Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it! 451 00:16:54,679 --> 00:16:57,334 No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now! 452 00:16:57,369 --> 00:16:59,058 I am furious at you! 453 00:16:59,093 --> 00:17:01,760 The answer is... yes. 454 00:17:02,617 --> 00:17:04,357 (MELODRAMATICALLY) People say that NERP 455 00:17:04,426 --> 00:17:05,792 is nothing more than a con job, 456 00:17:05,861 --> 00:17:08,695 a cash-grab vanity project from a kooky actress. 457 00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:09,996 Ugh. 458 00:17:10,065 --> 00:17:12,051 Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a question? 459 00:17:12,086 --> 00:17:13,184 - No. - Oh, okay. 460 00:17:13,219 --> 00:17:14,219 But... 461 00:17:14,306 --> 00:17:15,659 is it true? 462 00:17:15,694 --> 00:17:18,071 - They don't tell me things. - Who's "they"? 463 00:17:18,152 --> 00:17:21,721 See, I don't see NERP as, like, a business. 464 00:17:21,789 --> 00:17:24,390 - It's more, like, a kind of... - Like a way of life! Me too! 465 00:17:24,459 --> 00:17:27,951 Walt Disney once... envisioned... 466 00:17:27,986 --> 00:17:29,554 a magical world... 467 00:17:29,564 --> 00:17:31,764 ...and people told him he was mad. 468 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,666 They called it "Walt's Folly." 469 00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:36,537 - But you know what that place became? - Disneyland. 470 00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:39,531 - That was not a question. - Oh, I... I'm sorry. 471 00:17:39,566 --> 00:17:40,702 (WHIMPERING) 472 00:17:40,737 --> 00:17:41,955 (EXHALES) 473 00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:44,723 That place is Disneyland. 474 00:17:44,758 --> 00:17:47,613 What?! That's crazy. Didn't see it coming. 475 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,133 I want to turn NERP 476 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,670 into the next Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox. 477 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:56,140 It's a world changer. It's a road map to the future. 478 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:01,078 - That was a question! - Oh...uh...uh... 479 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:02,780 Alright, listen. 480 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,950 I really liked your writing sample, it's true. 481 00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:08,219 But... (SIGHS) 482 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,288 ...we have a lot of candidates 483 00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,858 with more experience and famous-er parents, so... 484 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,126 fly away, little birdie. 485 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,845 Flap. Flap, flap. 486 00:18:22,816 --> 00:18:24,115 Okay, thank you. 487 00:18:26,953 --> 00:18:28,753 Nicole? 488 00:18:28,822 --> 00:18:30,955 You and me... this is gonna happen. 489 00:18:31,024 --> 00:18:32,356 Excuse me? 490 00:18:32,425 --> 00:18:35,293 There are forces in the universe that we don't understand. 491 00:18:35,361 --> 00:18:37,695 They can't be explained, but they cannot be denied, 492 00:18:37,764 --> 00:18:39,363 and that is what this is. 493 00:18:39,432 --> 00:18:42,767 I don't... I don't get it, but I know that it's real. 494 00:18:42,836 --> 00:18:44,302 Oh, my God! 495 00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:47,273 That is just what I said to all of those haters 496 00:18:47,308 --> 00:18:49,825 who told me that my crystal energy stickers 497 00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:51,354 did not improve your colon health. 498 00:18:51,389 --> 00:18:52,539 - Uh! - Crazy. 499 00:18:52,574 --> 00:18:54,245 - They do if you, you know... - Yeah. 500 00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:57,681 So, um, does that mean that I will see you Monday morning? 501 00:18:57,732 --> 00:18:58,898 Let's make it Tuesday 502 00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:01,167 'cause I like to spend Mondays in a flotation tank. 503 00:19:03,371 --> 00:19:06,906 JAY: As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree, 504 00:19:06,975 --> 00:19:09,809 where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe. 505 00:19:09,878 --> 00:19:13,113 We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then. 506 00:19:13,181 --> 00:19:16,382 But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years. 507 00:19:19,121 --> 00:19:23,423 Like, live today as if there's no tomorrow... 508 00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:26,593 that it's not too late to right past wrongs, 509 00:19:26,661 --> 00:19:30,129 and when things are looking down, look up... 510 00:19:31,366 --> 00:19:34,100 ...or take chances you never imagined you would. 511 00:19:36,465 --> 00:19:37,715 _ 512 00:19:41,042 --> 00:19:45,278 "You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it. 513 00:19:45,347 --> 00:19:47,914 Did you try to do something special? 514 00:19:47,983 --> 00:19:50,083 Was it at sunset? 515 00:19:50,152 --> 00:19:52,118 It was at sunset, wasn't it? 516 00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:56,289 Sucker. I win. 517 00:19:56,358 --> 00:19:58,124 See you in hell." 518 00:20:00,595 --> 00:20:02,695 I look forward to that. 519 00:20:08,370 --> 00:20:09,702 (GRUNTS) 520 00:20:16,738 --> 00:20:17,753 - Whoo! - Whoo! 521 00:20:17,772 --> 00:20:20,050 - Whoo! - Ohh, this is amazing! 522 00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:22,007 I know! We should have done this years ago. 523 00:20:22,042 --> 00:20:23,633 Whoa. I'm a little cold. Are you a little cold? 524 00:20:23,668 --> 00:20:25,474 Yeah, the parts of me that I can still feel sure are. 525 00:20:25,509 --> 00:20:27,806 Oh, look at those suckers on their way home from work. 526 00:20:28,109 --> 00:20:29,920 - Enjoy the rat race! - (BOTH LAUGH) 527 00:20:29,945 --> 00:20:32,378 - Don't forget to pay your taxes! - Yeah! (LAUGHS) 528 00:20:32,403 --> 00:20:36,105 Hey, did you see the story about that, um, dinosaur fish? 529 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:39,204 It said it had the head of... a head of a snake or something. 530 00:20:39,229 --> 00:20:40,582 - Yeah, 16 rows of teeth, uh-huh. - Yeah. 531 00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:44,700 Hey, do you think that we look like seals from underneath? 532 00:20:44,725 --> 00:20:47,156 - Mitchell, w-what are we doing? - What are we... (LAUGHS) 533 00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:49,948 We're living our lives, is what we're doing. 534 00:20:49,973 --> 00:20:54,194 Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking, but was imagining it more fun? 535 00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:55,451 Well, it was warmer. 536 00:20:55,476 --> 00:20:58,291 You know, I like looking forward to things. 537 00:20:58,316 --> 00:21:00,464 Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation", 538 00:21:00,489 --> 00:21:02,611 not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did". 539 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:05,129 Hey, I have an idea. L-Let's go back, 540 00:21:05,154 --> 00:21:06,926 we'll buy a bottle of wine that we'll never open 541 00:21:06,951 --> 00:21:08,336 and a candle that we'll never light, 542 00:21:08,361 --> 00:21:10,320 - call it a day, huh? - That sounds wonderful. 543 00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:12,502 - Okay, but stop touching my feet. - I didn't touch you. 544 00:21:12,527 --> 00:21:15,303 - I didn't touch you. - You didn't... 545 00:21:15,328 --> 00:21:17,669 - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! 546 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:21,138 (SHRIEKING) Mitchell! Mitchell, do not leave me alone! 547 00:21:21,163 --> 00:21:26,163 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com