1
00:00:01,830 --> 00:00:03,240
Jay, should I get rid of this?

2
00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:04,720
The hat, the jacket, or the cane?

3
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:06,510
Actually, yes. Just yes.

4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,968
We're having a yard sale for
our social studies class

5
00:00:08,969 --> 00:00:09,970
to raise money for UNICEF.

6
00:00:10,150 --> 00:00:12,290
The point is for us to learn
about global altruism.

7
00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:14,399
No, the point is for us

8
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,318
to raise more money than
Miss Cooper's class

9
00:00:16,319 --> 00:00:18,100
so we get a pizza and a pool party.

10
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:20,720
Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.

11
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,340
Ease up, Delgado.
I've seen you with a pizza.

12
00:00:24,540 --> 00:00:25,918
Ugh. I hate garage sales.

13
00:00:25,919 --> 00:00:27,880
Bunch of shady characters
going through my stuff.

14
00:00:27,881 --> 00:00:29,499
Why can't I just write a check?

15
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:30,869
Ay, relax, Jay.

16
00:00:30,870 --> 00:00:32,368
It's just a couple of
people in the driveway.

17
00:00:32,369 --> 00:00:33,698
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts.

18
00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:35,580
Then it's, "it's just a local call."

19
00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:36,878
"Can I use your bathroom?"

20
00:00:36,879 --> 00:00:38,280
"My mother needs to lie down."

21
00:00:38,281 --> 00:00:39,610
No, it just stinks.

22
00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:42,220
He did write a check.

23
00:00:42,890 --> 00:00:44,390
Shh! The less he nows, the better.

24
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:46,490
You're not even here aymore.

25
00:00:46,491 --> 00:00:47,839
But it's my stuff.

26
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,800
Where's Mom?
Luke, take me to Mom.

27
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,299
And move slow. I'm still drunk

28
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,469
ing my coffee. Mom!

29
00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:55,590
What's the problem?

30
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:58,299
Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff?

31
00:00:58,300 --> 00:00:59,999
Honey, come on. Give it up.

32
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,689
Even John Mayer doesn't have
a John Mayer poster any more.

33
00:01:02,690 --> 00:01:04,020
It's signed by him.

34
00:01:04,170 --> 00:01:05,870
It's time you knew--
they come that way.

35
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,060
But it's "To Haley."

36
00:01:08,190 --> 00:01:10,270
In a different color.
Your dad wrote that.

37
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,920
Ew! He wrote
"My body is a wonderland."

38
00:01:13,190 --> 00:01:14,919
I didn't catch that till after.

39
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,290
Mom, is it okay if Michael
comes to the yard sale?

40
00:01:17,420 --> 00:01:19,130
Well, honey, did't you see him last night?

41
00:01:19,540 --> 00:01:22,229
So? Why don't you like my boyfriend?

42
00:01:22,230 --> 00:01:23,769
I do like him.

43
00:01:23,770 --> 00:01:27,050
I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.

44
00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:28,789
Yes, when Michael took me to prom,

45
00:01:28,790 --> 00:01:30,330
I questioned his sexuality.

46
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,970
But then... we made out.

47
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,470
A couple times.

48
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:38,100
There was even a little...
under-the-shirt action.

49
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,060
His chest is very smooth.

50
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:45,200
Heads up! Coming through!

51
00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:48,210
Wow! I am glad you're finally
getting rid of that thing.

52
00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,290
What? I'm not selling this bad boy.

53
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,428
I was gonna meet you at your dad's

54
00:01:51,429 --> 00:01:52,928
and get a little exercise on the way.

55
00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:55,268
What's, uh, what's your beef
with my streetstrider?

56
00:01:55,269 --> 00:01:57,450
Even I think it's nerdy,
and I'm fluent in elvish.

57
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,399
It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.

58
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,929
I hope you mean into the garage,

59
00:02:00,930 --> 00:02:02,460
because I have friends on this street.

60
00:02:03,050 --> 00:02:05,869
Honey, you finally found
something less cool

61
00:02:05,870 --> 00:02:07,850
tan those pants that zip off into shorts.

62
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,789
My shants, which you have been
gunning for since day one.

63
00:02:10,790 --> 00:02:12,809
Does it matter to any of
you that this is actually

64
00:02:12,810 --> 00:02:14,788
an extremely efficient
cardiovascular workout

65
00:02:14,789 --> 00:02:15,970
that could prolong my life?

66
00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:20,010
Mm, yeah, but what kind of life?
And with whom?

67
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:36,010
== Sync by YYeTs.com | Corrections by Alice ==
www.addic7ed.com

68
00:02:36,550 --> 00:02:38,360
Remember, everyone, this is for charity.

69
00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:40,930
Every dollar we earn
helps a diseased child,

70
00:02:41,050 --> 00:02:43,010
a starving child, an abused child.

71
00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:43,780
Now have fun!

72
00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:46,440
Speaking of starving children,
here's my contribution.

73
00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:48,890
Six pair of jeans that
don't fit me any more

74
00:02:48,891 --> 00:02:50,410
because I've lost 25 pounds.

75
00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:53,250
That's like... one, two, three
children's bowling balls.

76
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,010
- Mm, bravo! Hey!
- Very nice.

77
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,240
C- Cam? Are--are you really
getting rid of all of these?

78
00:02:58,330 --> 00:02:59,340
I mean, they're almost new. It's...

79
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:00,678
Well, what if you, um--

80
00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:01,990
Chat if I what, Mitchell?
Put the weight back on?

81
00:03:01,991 --> 00:03:03,990
No! No.

82
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,070
No, what if you--

83
00:03:06,071 --> 00:03:08,629
you think of some creative art
project that requires denim?

84
00:03:08,630 --> 00:03:11,679
You know, something farm
or Kelly Clarkson-themed?

85
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,398
Or... I've already down
so much with that motif.

86
00:03:13,399 --> 00:03:14,150
Yeah. Yeah.

87
00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:16,220
You know what?
No, sell 'em! I wanna purge,

88
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,420
which, for the record, is
not how I lost this weight.

89
00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:21,540
Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight,

90
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,068
he gets rid of his big pants.

91
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:24,340
And then when he puts the weight back on,

92
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:25,608
he has to buy them all new again.

93
00:03:25,609 --> 00:03:26,628
It's--it's a nightmare.

94
00:03:26,629 --> 00:03:28,598
Just put the jeans in the car
while he's in the house.

95
00:03:28,599 --> 00:03:29,830
No, Dad! That's incredibly dis--

96
00:03:29,831 --> 00:03:31,270
I'm gonna do that. Yeah.

97
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:34,848
Whoa! Where you think
you're going with those?

98
00:03:34,849 --> 00:03:35,568
Oh, these aren't for sale.

99
00:03:35,569 --> 00:03:37,040
Hey, this is for charity.

100
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,240
You know you're taking those
jeans out of the hands

101
00:03:39,241 --> 00:03:40,899
of some needy, giant children.

102
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,240
You know they're not getting
the actual jeans, right, Luke?

103
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,729
Oh. Right? Welll then how about a donation?

104
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:47,220
- 20 bucks?
- A hundred.

105
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:49,119
$20?

106
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,400
Sure. What's it to you

107
00:03:50,401 --> 00:03:53,190
if some kid gets sick bathing
in poo river, Africa?

108
00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:55,620
How much for the ashtray?

109
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,300
I don't know. What's the tag say?

110
00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,579
50 cents. But there's a chip in it.

111
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,650
Well, that's why it's lying
on a blanket on my lawn,

112
00:04:01,651 --> 00:04:03,769
next to some old corn on the cob handles.

113
00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:04,878
I'll give you 35.

114
00:04:04,879 --> 00:04:06,338
You're wearing a $10,000 watch.

115
00:04:06,339 --> 00:04:07,770
You're haggling over 15 cents?

116
00:04:07,910 --> 00:04:10,360
You live in this place, and you
can't let that 15 cents go?

117
00:04:10,361 --> 00:04:11,380
Fine. 35.

118
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,350
Can you break a 50? Get out.

119
00:04:20,870 --> 00:04:21,580
Manny.

120
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:23,890
What is this case doing here?

121
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,228
I found it in the attic.

122
00:04:25,229 --> 00:04:26,080
Why? What is it?

123
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,560
Nothing that concerns you.

124
00:04:28,710 --> 00:04:29,780
It's from Colombia.

125
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,120
- But I thought you said--
- You thought nothing.

126
00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:38,539
It's going back in the attic,
and I want no more questions.

127
00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:39,148
Why?

128
00:04:39,149 --> 00:04:40,080
That's a question.

129
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:44,480
Wow. That was weird.

130
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:45,640
Too weird.

131
00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:46,810
I wonder what's in there.

132
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:48,840
Wake up, Delgado.

133
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,180
Locked box, from Colombia,
"no more questions"?

134
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,070
It's obviously a human head.

135
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,870
Why is that always your first guess?

136
00:04:56,871 --> 00:04:59,390
One of these days,
I'm gonna be right.

137
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:02,430
No way!

138
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,048
You're selling the Harley?

139
00:05:04,049 --> 00:05:05,600
No, I'm just trying to
move it out of the way.

140
00:05:05,810 --> 00:05:08,140
Some asshat offered me 100 bucks for it.

141
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,950
But with the baby coming, I
guess I am gonna sell it.

142
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,240
Oh, she's a beaut.

143
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:13,880
What, you wouldn't be
interested in it, would you?

144
00:05:14,690 --> 00:05:15,500
Why wouldn't I be?

145
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:18,301
Well, I just never thought of
you as a motorcycle kinda guy.

146
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,470
I would be if Claire would
ever let me have one.

147
00:05:20,990 --> 00:05:22,320
You can have a motorcycle if you want.

148
00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:26,619
Can I also have an affair with
my super hot receptionist?

149
00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:28,058
What super hot receptionist?

150
00:05:28,059 --> 00:05:29,408
Don't change the subject!

151
00:05:29,409 --> 00:05:31,388
Now what would everybody like for lunch?

152
00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:32,718
You don't have to buy a motorcycle

153
00:05:32,719 --> 00:05:33,790
if you don't want one.

154
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:35,830
But don't blame it on me.
I'm fine with it.

155
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,120
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

156
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,160
Yeah, look, I know it's not the
safest thing in the world,

157
00:05:40,161 --> 00:05:41,860
but it is sexy.

158
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:46,340
Yes. I lot more sexy than that
crazy machine you rode up on.

159
00:05:46,610 --> 00:05:48,790
Is that something that
your doctor make you use?

160
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,050
All right, I'm gonna take this around back,

161
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,220
unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.

162
00:05:53,221 --> 00:05:55,040
Sure. Let's go. Not too fast.

163
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:56,328
Precious cargo.

164
00:05:56,329 --> 00:05:57,600
I'm not taking you, sweetheart.

165
00:05:57,750 --> 00:05:58,470
I'm driving?

166
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,340
Awesome!

167
00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:05,008
I'm terrified of motorcycles,

168
00:06:05,009 --> 00:06:07,008
but sometimes you have to
do things to show the world

169
00:06:07,009 --> 00:06:07,940
you're still a man.

170
00:06:09,190 --> 00:06:11,190
Same reason I got that henna tattoo.

171
00:06:12,070 --> 00:06:14,460
Japanese symbol for "courage."

172
00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:15,910
Yeah.

173
00:06:16,070 --> 00:06:17,730
Oh, Michael's here! Hi, Michael!

174
00:06:19,530 --> 00:06:21,589
Well, well, well. What is this all about?

175
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:24,099
Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?

176
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,610
Well, she certainly thinks so.

177
00:06:25,790 --> 00:06:27,859
Is there any way that boy is straight?

178
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:29,350
Ooh, what's going on?
Who are we looking at?

179
00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:32,280
Uh, it's Alex's new "boyfriend" Michael.

180
00:06:32,410 --> 00:06:33,358
What's up with the air quotes?

181
00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:34,450
She thinks he's gay.

182
00:06:34,451 --> 00:06:37,729
I "think" he's gay she same way
I "think" that lamp is hideous.

183
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,520
Okay, brought it,
made it in art class.

184
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,999
Look, I like Michael. I really do.

185
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,389
I just--I don't want her
to get her heart broken.

186
00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:45,188
When it comes to boys,

187
00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:46,548
her self-esteem is low enough as it is.

188
00:06:46,549 --> 00:06:48,410
I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.

189
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,039
Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside.

190
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,519
Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.

191
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,160
By all means, look right
at me when you say that.

192
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,860
If she wants to get her
heart broken by a gay guy,

193
00:06:57,861 --> 00:07:00,029
she can do so when she's 18 or 19

194
00:07:00,030 --> 00:07:01,350
and can drink her way through it.

195
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,060
Aw. You're a "good mother."

196
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,520
Mm-hmm. I don't know, Claire.
You could be wrong.

197
00:07:04,521 --> 00:07:07,060
Boys aren't as concerned about
traditional masculinity any more.

198
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:08,508
You know, they're not butching it up.

199
00:07:08,509 --> 00:07:10,478
They're not pushing down their feelings.

200
00:07:10,479 --> 00:07:11,810
- Yeah, they care about their clothes.
- Mm-hmm.

201
00:07:11,811 --> 00:07:13,330
- They--they--they groom.
- Mm-hmm.

202
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:14,740
Everybody's hairless.

203
00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:16,700
Yeah, you can't tell anything any more.

204
00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:18,160
- Mnh-mnh.
- Really?

205
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,720
Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.

206
00:07:20,950 --> 00:07:22,100
Hi! Hello.

207
00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:23,800
Okay, come on.

208
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,498
- Yep, he's gay.
- We stand corrected.

209
00:07:27,499 --> 00:07:28,080
Yeah.

210
00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:34,420
Okay.

211
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,420
Now be careful. I don't want you to crash.

212
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:38,890
I don't want the bike all scratched up.

213
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:40,588
And don't be nervous.

214
00:07:40,589 --> 00:07:42,378
People make mistakes when they're nervous.

215
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,390
I'm not nervous.

216
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,880
I've had bigger hogs than
this between my legs.

217
00:07:51,130 --> 00:07:53,610
He really oughta run things
through his head first.

218
00:07:53,970 --> 00:07:54,690
Yeah.

219
00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:58,480
I know I looked super cool on the outside,

220
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:01,490
but on the inside, I was terrified.

221
00:08:01,710 --> 00:08:02,670
And then I remembered

222
00:08:02,671 --> 00:08:06,129
that Fonzie once put together a
whole motorcycle while blind.

223
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:06,830
And I thought,

224
00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:08,460
that was a great show,

225
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,490
Andi got really distracted
and--and I forgot I was scared.

226
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,360
So I headed up the canyon
and I left the city behind.

227
00:08:15,230 --> 00:08:16,740
I'd never felt so exhilarated.

228
00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:18,630
I don't know exactly when it happened,

229
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:20,880
but somewhere on that lonely road...

230
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,660
The bike and I became one.

231
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:25,580
Ohh. Oh, no.

232
00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:27,060
No. Oh, you're heavy!

233
00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:27,910
No! Ohh!

234
00:08:37,510 --> 00:08:38,290
Lock the door.

235
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,320
Okay, let's do this.

236
00:08:42,530 --> 00:08:44,950
No matter what we find in here,
I will always love my mother.

237
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,630
Even if it's a head?

238
00:08:47,070 --> 00:08:48,040
It's not a head.

239
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,690
Oh, my God! It's a head!

240
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:52,900
Ah! Finally!

241
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,100
Mitchell!

242
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,398
I was just in the car, and I
found my fat pants in there.

243
00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:58,380
Do you know anything about that?

244
00:08:58,381 --> 00:09:01,530
What? No! No.
Did you forget to put 'em out?

245
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,148
No. Remember?
I posed, people clapped...

246
00:09:03,149 --> 00:09:03,938
I had my moment.

247
00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:06,530
I do remember that. That--
Oh, that was a great moment.

248
00:09:06,531 --> 00:09:08,080
I am so proud of you.

249
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,070
What's going on? You're being weird.

250
00:09:11,330 --> 00:09:12,929
What? First, I'm a pants thief

251
00:09:12,930 --> 00:09:14,590
and--and now I can't pay you a compliment?

252
00:09:14,591 --> 00:09:16,360
You know who's being weird? You.

253
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:18,280
Here comes Claire! Hey, girl!

254
00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:19,560
I don't know what that was.

255
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,900
Okay, I just saw Alex and
Michael sittin' in a tree.

256
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:25,800
Don't make me spell this out for you.

257
00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:27,120
Well, what can you do?

258
00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:29,520
I can't do anything, but
you two could talk to her.

259
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,518
And tell her what?

260
00:09:30,519 --> 00:09:31,900
Michael's playing for the pink team.

261
00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:33,378
Okay, we get to say that.
You don't really.

262
00:09:33,379 --> 00:09:34,930
I know, because you have credibility,

263
00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:37,520
and I have the opposite of credibility.
I have...

264
00:09:38,650 --> 00:09:39,550
I am a mother.

265
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:40,838
Okay, we're not doing this.

266
00:09:40,839 --> 00:09:42,440
No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute.

267
00:09:42,441 --> 00:09:45,079
You know, when I was...
young and straight,

268
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,399
I left a trail of broken
hearts like a Rock star.

269
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:47,958
I'm not proud of it.

270
00:09:47,959 --> 00:09:49,098
Ah, you're kinda proud of it.

271
00:09:49,099 --> 00:09:50,448
You work it into a lot of conversations.

272
00:09:50,449 --> 00:09:51,690
He brought it up yesterday.

273
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,378
Okay, how am I supposed to
walk into a dry cleaner

274
00:09:53,379 --> 00:09:55,820
and not mention my girlfriend
Wendy Jo Martinizer?

275
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:57,470
Can we get back to my problem?

276
00:09:57,570 --> 00:09:59,690
You don't have a problem, okay?
They're kids.

277
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,420
They're gonna work it out.

278
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:03,378
Can you talk to her?

279
00:10:03,379 --> 00:10:04,470
Not when she's like this.

280
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,090
- Oh, you mean Alex.
- Mm-hmm.

281
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,740
Yeah. I'll do it.

282
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:09,490
Thank you.

283
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,330
Claire, kids,

284
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:14,670
if you're seeing this,
then they found my body.

285
00:10:15,830 --> 00:10:18,150
Or I finally got a signal and I
sent it to you in an e-mail.

286
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:19,610
Although in that case, I'd just call.

287
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,860
But sometimes you can actually get
a pretty decent data signal and no voice.

288
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,830
I know I'm not making any sense.

289
00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:27,120
I've been trapped out here now for...

290
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,560
27 minutes.

291
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:31,910
I'm such an idiot.

292
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,600
Why did I bring this stupid
motorcycle out here?

293
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,010
To prove I'm a man?

294
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:37,340
I am a man.

295
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,090
Mom.

296
00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,749
Manny, what is this doing here?

297
00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:46,150
If you don't mind, we'll be
asking the questions now.

298
00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,380
I do mind.

299
00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:48,950
I apologize.

300
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:50,510
We couldn't help ourselves.

301
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:51,480
But I've gotta know.

302
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,140
Why were you hiding this?

303
00:10:57,150 --> 00:10:58,780
Love this! Sold!

304
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,790
What's the story here?

305
00:11:01,270 --> 00:11:02,930
I don't want to talk about it!

306
00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:04,838
Aw! Cute!

307
00:11:04,839 --> 00:11:05,760
Oh, where'd that come from?

308
00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:07,970
It's my mom's.
She's being very cagey.

309
00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:10,030
We think something's stashed in the head.

310
00:11:10,150 --> 00:11:11,930
It's from Colombia.

311
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,180
Mom, what's the big deal?

312
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:16,750
Okay, fine.

313
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:20,670
When I was young, I was
in a beauty pageant.

314
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,750
All the other girls, for their talent,

315
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,430
were juggling knives, as they always do.

316
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,660
But I wanted to stand out,

317
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,550
so I came up with...

318
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,060
Uncle Grumpy.

319
00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:33,649
Okay. Never been so happy.

320
00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:34,548
Not leaving till I see it.

321
00:11:34,549 --> 00:11:35,210
Hit it, Gloria.

322
00:11:35,340 --> 00:11:36,628
Excuse me, how much is this vase?

323
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:37,408
It's yours. Take it.

324
00:11:37,409 --> 00:11:38,028
So what do you need here?

325
00:11:38,029 --> 00:11:39,238
A stool? Glass of water?

326
00:11:39,239 --> 00:11:40,058
How do we make this happen?

327
00:11:40,059 --> 00:11:41,000
Let's go. I need to see this.

328
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,210
You see nothing.

329
00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:46,140
That pageant was one of the
worst nights of my life.

330
00:11:46,650 --> 00:11:48,650
After weeks of rehearsing,

331
00:11:49,780 --> 00:11:52,400
I froze, and we were speechless.

332
00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:53,850
Aw, and you lost.

333
00:11:54,690 --> 00:11:56,250
No. I won.

334
00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:58,610
Imagine this when I was 18.

335
00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:01,670
But it was very humiliating.

336
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,940
I don't want to do it ever again.

337
00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:07,360
And yet, you kept him all these years.

338
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,079
Maybe there's a part of you that
wants to work through this,

339
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,230
get some closure.

340
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,260
You're wrong, whoever you are.

341
00:12:17,850 --> 00:12:19,100
It's going on 31 minutes.

342
00:12:20,090 --> 00:12:20,960
I feel so alone.

343
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,130
I gotta get my leg free.

344
00:12:33,270 --> 00:12:37,340
Why didn't I wear my shants?!

345
00:12:39,870 --> 00:12:41,289
Hey, guys. Check it out.

346
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:42,150
You like my new bracelet?

347
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,030
Ooh, cute.

348
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,600
It's an old curtain ring
Michael saw over there.

349
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,880
He braided three leather
shoelaces around it

350
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:47,670
and voila.

351
00:12:51,180 --> 00:12:54,059
Yu know, Alex, you and
Michael remind me so much

352
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:56,540
of me and my first girlfriend
Annabelle Pickett.

353
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,238
Huh? You had a girlfriend? Oh.

354
00:12:58,239 --> 00:13:00,100
Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too.

355
00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:02,179
So one year, I asked her to go

356
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:03,910
to the church bazaar lip sync
contest with me,

357
00:13:03,911 --> 00:13:06,589
and we did our version of "Endless Love"...

358
00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:08,340
Which was ironic because two weeks later,

359
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,109
I fell head over heels

360
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:13,280
for a young square-jawed rodeo
ticket taker named Woody Ray.

361
00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:16,220
Oh, no. Of course, she was
devastated, just destroyed her.

362
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:18,338
And then she spray-painted
something unrepeatable

363
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:19,940
on my daddy's barn and
never spoke to me again.

364
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,218
Wow, and all because

365
00:13:21,219 --> 00:13:23,000
she wanted you to be
something you just weren't.

366
00:13:23,450 --> 00:13:24,048
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

367
00:13:24,049 --> 00:13:25,298
Ugh. Stop. I get it.

368
00:13:25,299 --> 00:13:26,900
I know what you think about Michael, Mom.

369
00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:29,480
You didn't have to bring in your
big gay guns to back you up.

370
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:30,898
No offense.

371
00:13:30,899 --> 00:13:31,980
- None taken.
- I kinda like it.

372
00:13:31,981 --> 00:13:34,299
Okay. Honey, I am worried about you.

373
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,680
I don't want you to get hurt.

374
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,820
I told them that this was
a bad idea, all right?

375
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:40,630
You know, maybe Michael's gay.
Maybe he's not.

376
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:41,418
He is.

377
00:13:41,419 --> 00:13:43,788
Your mother just wants you
to have all the information

378
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,200
so that--that you can go slow.

379
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:47,240
Uncle Mitchell, he's straight.

380
00:13:47,930 --> 00:13:48,980
We kissed.

381
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:50,840
Oh, honey, I...

382
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,889
I kissed a lot of girls when
I wanted to be straight.

383
00:13:53,890 --> 00:13:56,289
And your Uncle Cam kissed
some, too, he says.

384
00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:57,690
But that's neither here nor there.

385
00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:00,148
What's important is that
you make your own--where--

386
00:14:00,149 --> 00:14:00,798
wait, where are you going?

387
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:02,340
It's not the olden days any more, you guys.

388
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:03,450
I can just ask him.

389
00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:05,398
- Hope you're happy.
- I'm not.

390
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:07,110
That "olden days" comment
ws like a punch to the gut.

391
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,088
She may as well have spray-painted it
on my daddy's barn.

392
00:14:09,089 --> 00:14:10,259
Yeah, I'm done with this.

393
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:10,950
Where's he going?

394
00:14:11,890 --> 00:14:12,810
Hey, you got any bread?

395
00:14:12,950 --> 00:14:14,588
I wanna make sure this thing still works.

396
00:14:14,589 --> 00:14:15,630
Yeah, that' not gonna happen.

397
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,078
Oh, it doesn't have to be bread.

398
00:14:17,079 --> 00:14:18,500
I mean, I can get the information I need

399
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:20,919
from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.

400
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:21,458
Look, kid,

401
00:14:21,459 --> 00:14:23,400
you're just gonna have to
roll the dice on this one.

402
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:25,230
I don't know.

403
00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:27,170
What's your return policy?

404
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,110
You return, I call the police.

405
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:30,720
Where'd you get that?

406
00:14:31,230 --> 00:14:32,710
- From the kitchen.
- Give me that!

407
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:36,948
You selling the pot-bellied pig?

408
00:14:36,949 --> 00:14:37,810
Get out of my driveway.

409
00:14:40,950 --> 00:14:41,790
You're not a pig.

410
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,750
You're Daddy's little girl.

411
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,230
There you are.

412
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,020
Hey. Sorry.

413
00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:52,940
I got lost in this "Elle Decor."

414
00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:56,229
Justin Timberlake is
designing his own home line,

415
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,140
and I'm trying to reserve judgment.

416
00:14:59,730 --> 00:15:01,560
Michael I have to ask you something.

417
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,039
I want you to know it's okay either way,

418
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:05,770
but...

419
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:08,630
Are you gay?

420
00:15:08,940 --> 00:15:09,800
What?

421
00:15:10,430 --> 00:15:11,680
No! I'm not!

422
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,170
I-I took you to prom.

423
00:15:13,171 --> 00:15:14,390
I kissed you.

424
00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:17,160
Unless you're a boy, I'm
pretty sure I'm straight.

425
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,400
Are--are you a boy?

426
00:15:18,401 --> 00:15:19,209
No.

427
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:21,370
Right. So then I'm straight.

428
00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:23,420
I didn't mean to make you mad.

429
00:15:23,421 --> 00:15:25,170
I'm not mad. I'm just...

430
00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:26,490
Angry.

431
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:28,330
I'm sorry.

432
00:15:29,130 --> 00:15:30,700
And those are synonyms.

433
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:32,740
You just know everything today.

434
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,720
Can you just give me a minute?

435
00:15:47,190 --> 00:15:48,010
Hey. Can I help you?

436
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,480
Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay?

437
00:15:51,610 --> 00:15:53,310
God, I hate yard sales.

438
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:56,080
Thank you.

439
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:01,080
Sorry for snooping around and
finding your old man doll.

440
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,800
In Colombia, if you snoop
around the wrong box,

441
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:06,060
you might end up inside that box.

442
00:16:06,170 --> 00:16:06,930
I shouldn't have done it.

443
00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:08,650
Now I feel bad for Manny.

444
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:10,930
What do you mean?

445
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,818
Well, I don't know.

446
00:16:12,819 --> 00:16:14,390
He's always talking about
how brave you are,

447
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:16,030
how you're not afraid of anything.

448
00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,850
Now... he just seems a little sad.

449
00:16:18,990 --> 00:16:19,720
How sad?

450
00:16:19,850 --> 00:16:21,550
Don't worry. It's a good thing.

451
00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:23,320
He needs a little dose of reality.

452
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,438
You walk around school

453
00:16:24,439 --> 00:16:26,530
telling everyone how great
your mommy is all the time,

454
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:29,020
you find yourself on the
business end of a wedgie.

455
00:16:31,650 --> 00:16:34,090
I know how to push buttons
to get what I want,

456
00:16:34,390 --> 00:16:37,110
and what I want is to see a puppet show.

457
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,090
J'accuse!

458
00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:41,780
I'm sorry. One more time?

459
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:43,450
It's just a dramatic way of accusing you...

460
00:16:43,451 --> 00:16:45,650
Of stashing my fat pants in a bush!

461
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:47,880
- Saboteur!
- That's a second way.

462
00:16:48,010 --> 00:16:49,769
How... could... you?

463
00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:50,630
And a third.

464
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:51,960
Why, Mitchell? Why?

465
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:53,490
Cam... oh, come on.

466
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:54,730
All right, the...

467
00:16:55,270 --> 00:16:56,610
This is a little hard to say, but...

468
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:59,310
Every time you get rid of these pants,

469
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,990
you have to buy them all over again,

470
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,880
and you get depressed, all right?

471
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,059
This is just a way to have a safety net.

472
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:07,638
I can't have a safety net, Mitchell.

473
00:17:07,639 --> 00:17:10,090
Otherwise, I won't be successful
and keep the weight off.

474
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,340
Have you ever thought of that?

475
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,490
No. No, I didn't.

476
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,398
You know, you're not the
only one who remembers

477
00:17:16,399 --> 00:17:17,570
all the times I failed.

478
00:17:19,890 --> 00:17:20,750
You're right.

479
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,859
I-I should support you more.
I'm--I'm sorry.

480
00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:24,908
I'm happy to hear you say that.

481
00:17:24,909 --> 00:17:26,030
Well, I'm happy you're happy.

482
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,370
Well, I hope you both are happy.

483
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,330
Michael's not gay. Now he hates me.

484
00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:30,670
Thanks a lot.

485
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:32,488
You see?

486
00:17:32,489 --> 00:17:34,920
This is exactly why I didn't
want to get involved.

487
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:37,950
Now I feel terrible.

488
00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:40,670
These feelings would go good with pie.

489
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,780
There he is!

490
00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:50,609
Sweetheart, do you love it?

491
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:51,890
No, Claire, I do not love it.

492
00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:54,929
Oh, that's too bad 'cause
you look so cool on that.

493
00:17:54,930 --> 00:17:56,900
Do I, Claire? Do I really?

494
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,410
What happened?

495
00:17:58,550 --> 00:17:59,980
It's a long story. Check your in-box.

496
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,530
But suffice it to say, I'm
not buying that motorcycle.

497
00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:04,270
- Uh-huh.
- I know what I am, Claire.

498
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,280
I'm not a rider. I'm a strider.

499
00:18:07,030 --> 00:18:08,490
I hope that's sexy enough for you.

500
00:18:09,570 --> 00:18:10,900
Well, I can see stuff.

501
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,440
Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it.

502
00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:14,350
Mm. It's not like I have
another pair of pants.

503
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:16,360
Oh, uh, today is your lucky day.

504
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,210
It's for a good cause.

505
00:18:18,860 --> 00:18:19,990
Aw. You might need a belt.

506
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,108
Oh, I doubt it.
I bet we wear the same size.

507
00:18:22,109 --> 00:18:22,920
Don't do that.

508
00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:24,020
Copy.

509
00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:28,370
Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.

510
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,130
I don't know. She looks okay.

511
00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:32,820
- Oh, looks like they made up.
- Hmm.

512
00:18:33,670 --> 00:18:34,570
If she would just listen to me,

513
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,240
I could have avoid her so much pain.

514
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:38,400
Give it a rest.
She's 14, all right?

515
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,970
No matter who that boy is,
he's not gonna last.

516
00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:41,708
Mm, you're right.

517
00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:42,628
Well, at least with a gay kid,

518
00:18:42,629 --> 00:18:44,350
you know she's gonna get a
great flower arragement.

519
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,330
Should've seen the one I made Annabelle.

520
00:18:46,450 --> 00:18:48,100
Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous...

521
00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:51,130
Till she pulled it apart and
spelled "homo" on my porch.

522
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,860
This doesn't make me feel any better.

523
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,100
Gather around everybody.

524
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,160
I want you to meet somebody.

525
00:18:58,530 --> 00:18:59,700
Oh, but that might.

526
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:00,760
Uncle Grumpy.

527
00:19:02,410 --> 00:19:04,430
Luke's wise words got to me.

528
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,430
I needed my son to respect me again.

529
00:19:07,970 --> 00:19:11,710
More than that, I needed to respect myself.

530
00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:13,720
Holy maracas!

531
00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:16,830
I think I sat on the right lap!

532
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,090
Uncle Grumpy, we're in public.

533
00:19:20,210 --> 00:19:23,380
Ay, look at all those white faces!

534
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:26,570
I see we made it over the wall.

535
00:19:26,810 --> 00:19:28,700
Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood?

536
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:32,820
Damn right I am!
I just came from the movies.

537
00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:37,420
A whole day's pay
to see "Basic Instinct."

538
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,760
Oh. And what did you think?

539
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,580
Basically, it stinked.

540
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:45,090
You're so grumpy.

541
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:46,970
Damn right I am!

542
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,710
I just met the girl of my dreams.

543
00:19:50,410 --> 00:19:51,970
Ay, that's such great news.

544
00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:55,380
No. She gave me the termites.

545
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:57,550
Gloria, I'm just gonna--

546
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,970
Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know
what this is. I'm outta here.

547
00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:01,820
- You're leaving?
- Damn right.

548
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,780
The only difference between
this and a home invasion

549
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,570
is I get to shoot people
at a home invasion.

550
00:20:06,810 --> 00:20:09,560
Oh, my God. She married her puppet.

551
00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:15,560
Uncle Grumpy!

552
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:18,130
Can anyone hear me?!

553
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,560
Please help me!

554
00:20:22,570 --> 00:20:24,000
I don't wanna die!

555
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,229
If I had to make a playlist

556
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:28,208
for being trapped under a motorcycle,

557
00:20:28,209 --> 00:20:29,010
it'd be, um...

558
00:20:30,510 --> 00:20:32,510
"Stuck In The Middle,"
"Hit The Road Jack,"

559
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,060
um, anything by Heavy D.

560
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:38,120
Ooh, Pointer Sisters, "Neutron Dance."

561
00:20:38,610 --> 00:20:40,629
Turns out today wasn't

562
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,910
the first day of the rest of my life.

563
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:46,000
Oh, my goodness.

564
00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:49,369
There's some DVDs in a
shoe box in, uh, my closet

565
00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:51,160
that I was holding for... a buddy.

566
00:20:52,590 --> 00:20:54,440
Um, you can go ahead and just
throw the whole box away.

567
00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:05,750
I'm so hungry.

568
00:21:07,670 --> 00:21:09,220
I don't know how long
I'm gonna be out here.

569
00:21:10,630 --> 00:21:12,070
I gotta ration my food.

570
00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,250
I said no tomatoes!

571
00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:28,250
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