[screaming]
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.
[ominous tone]
â™ª
ARCHER: Altair Beta?
Why'd you wake me up way the hell out here?
MALORY:We picked up a distress beacon.
Not surprising.
Altair Beta's not the best neighborhood.
MALORY: Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.
ARCHER: Yeah, speaking of--
looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard.
Well, what say we go pick the bones?
[chuckles] I'd say, uh, unfortunate choice of words.
Figuratively. Hopefully.
Well, I'm in, but you know what she's gonna say.
Why, does she talk in her sleep?
What? Mother, come on. We can't not...
I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so...
-So? -Huh.
W-Well, should we wake up anybody?
-Why would we? -Good point.
Let's go check it out.
W-Wait, Mother.
-Hang on. -[farts]
Oh, for the...
-You are disgusting. -[snickering]
Me? He's the one wallowing in...
[sniffing]
Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie.
[sniffing] Ugh! And banana pudding.
â™ª
So, on the off chance
the pirates left anything worth taking...
MALORY: There's no sense cutting
the rest of those idiots in on the deal.
Yeah, they'll just... Wait,
what do you mean, "the rest of those idiots?"
-Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot?
-No, I... -Yes, you were.
I wasn't implying anything. You...
-[alarm blaring] -COMPUTER: Proximity alert.
Proximity alert.
-What the hell? -Proximity alert.
[alarm stops]
-[sighs] Idiot. -Aha! See?
-You were implying it. -I'm saying it!
Now can you please just dock the damn thing?
[crash]
-Yes. -LANA: Nope!
-[sighs] Here we go. -Oh, goody.
And just what in my own personal hell
-do you two think you're doing?-Well...
And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me.
Okay, then...
Never mind.
[Archer theme playing]
ARCHER: Damn it, Krieger, why'd you have to wake her up?
You big-mouth... fish.
Don't call me fish! And I didn't write my code,
-so don't yell at me. -I'll do the yelling.
Great, that way we know you're getting enough oxygen.
Now, somebody explain to me
why you're docking the ship without permission.
-Permission? -Look, we picked up a distress beacon,
and we thought, you know, that we'd...
Leave us all in stasis while you sneak in there
to loot whatever the pirates might've left behind
in there, which-- spoiler alert-- is jack-shit
unless you're counting the ionic charges
they left as booby-traps!
Well, you've clearly already made up your mind, so...
[sighs] Somebody tell me this is a joke.
Oh, what, you being first mate?Sadly, no. Not a joke.
No, this. Which better not be what it looks like.
[laughs] That's better than what it smells like.
-Huh? -Which is a giant bag of assholes.
-What? -Cyril, you reek.
No, I...[sniffs]
Is that shepherd's pie?
[giggles] And banana pudding.
Damn it, Archer.
Did you fart in my stasis pod again?
-Why, I oughta... -You oughta wash off
that 'nana puddin'.
[grunting]
Stop touching me! You stink!
Will you two knock it off?
-Yes. -Ow!
Why do we even serve shepherd's pie?
And, follow-up, why do we have
the world's loneliest courtesan on board?
-[gasps] -Seriously, though,
this whole place smells like a fart shit its pants.
PAM: Did somebody say pants?
[laughing, cheering, applause]
[laughing, applause quiets]
'Cause I'm not wearing any.
Because welcome to the freak show.
What? Said the bug zapper.
-Yeah, and speaking of. -What?
We had a deal.
-[all grumbling] -ARCHER: Yeah, come on, Mom.
[sighs] Oh, all right.
-Happy? -No, actually.
Because you two were about to violate quarantine protocols,
possibly exposing my ship to dangerous...
-It's not your ship! -Half of it is.
Because I had a shitty divorce lawyer.
Whose fault is that?
You're the one who wanted a divorce!
When what I should've done is just wait for you
to get murdered by one of the enemies you either owe money,
cheated, cuckolded, straight-up stole from,
or some combination thereof.
[clears throat] Your point being?
Her point, Captain Doctor Science,
is you can't expose just half the ship
to potentially deadly microorganisms.
Aha! Potentially deadly.
I'm not having this argument again.
[chuckles] Apparently you are.
-No, I'm not.
Aborting docking sequence.
Yes, you a... [grunting]
-Damn it, Lana! -Aborting docking seq...
-BOTH: Krieger! -Guys, come on.
We've been over and over and over this.
The Laws of Robotics...
Is made-up shit from a comic book.
[gasps]
-Sorry. -Don't be. It had to be said. -[thump]
-[muffled screaming] -[overlapping chatter]
-CHERYL: What the shit? -[muffled splat]
-[all gasp] -Oh, my God.
[muffled grunting, straining]
-PAM: What is that? -MALORY: Oh, my God,
-what the hell... -KRIEGER: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody, shh.
[grunting]
[pop]
-Aah! -Kill it! -Boy!
[panting]
Whew.
-Are... -[screaming]
[footsteps pattering away]
Happy?
I'm... happy you're not.
PAM: What the hell was that thing?
I think the more pressing question is...
No, Krieger, for the millionth time,
-you'll never be a real boy. -I was going to say...
I think it's more tragic than anything.
-You're one to talk. -[gasps]
-I was going to say... -Ooh!
When will you be a real boy?
What the hell was it running from?
Um...
-[all exclaim] -Son of a...
[growling]
Dri'n dak! Dak txakurrak!
Oh, yeah? You want some of this?
Ow!
I think they might, actually.
Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door.
Yep, yep, yep.
[muffled growling]
-That oughta hold 'em. Okay... -Hang on.
Shut up. Krieger, undock us.
Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon,
split up, and find that xenomorph.
For all we know he's a Trojan horse.
-He was pretty rubbery. -[laughing]: So stupid.
Right?
And if you can temporarily de-ass your head,
want to get us out to here?
Why? We can take these assholes.
-[crashing] -[all scream]
-COMPUTER: Hull damage. -You were saying?
-[sighs] -Hull damage.
-[alarm blaring] -Hull damage.
-I heard you.
ARCHER: Okay, Krieger, we clear?
KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep!
ARCHER: Okay then.
Everybody brace for initial thrust.
In three...
-Whoa! -God...
-Damn... -Son of a...
-Bitch! -Ow!
[laughs]
"Woooooo!!"
RAY: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
-no, no! -[ceramic shattering]
[sighs]
Can't have anything nice.
Never gets old, does it?
Nope. Unlike some people.
Excuse me?!
Lana, handle your business.
There's a giant squeezy toy on the loose.
LANA: I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
ARCHER: [laughs] Got nothing.
Okay, keep your crazy eyes peeled.
And watch your muzzle, will ya?
I'm not trying to get blasted in the face.
-Well, I'm not trying to get slimed. -What?
It's not a ghost, dumbass.
-How do you know? -[scoffs] Because nothing's a ghost.
-[thump] -[gasps] -Shh.
You open it on three.
Ready?
One...
-[gasps] -[yelps] -Oh, for... You pussy.
You're supposed to belooking for the damn xenomorph.
I'm checking all the storage lockers.
This one's clear.
[footsteps pattering]
On me.
-Freeze! -Don't shoot, don't shoot!
Let me see those hands!
I... I don't have any.
-Duh-hoy. -Shut up.
Okay, so who or what are you?
I... W... I'm Bort.
Bort the Garj?
-Of the House of Garj? -Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,
just, what do you think you're doing?
Eating off-brand cereal.
No, the passengers were from all over.
I was the only Garj, and soI was able to hide in the walls
when they attacked the transport.
And after they killed all the crew, they just...
took everybody.
To sell into the spek mines, no doubt.
So how do you know English?
-Is... that relevant? -Yeah, Lana.
I mean, why does anybody know it?
I mean she does. She's obviously not human.
-But not so obviously a she. -Hey!
We were all thinking it.
'Cause you're all a bunch of xenophobes.
Are you... You're as bad as she is.
-Always calling me fish or... -That doesn't count.
-You're a robot. -Synthetic human.
Potato, pobobot, am I right?
Anyway, the important thing is I'm okay.
-Is that so? -Well, yeah.
I mean, I'm heir to the throne of the House of Garj, so...
And that's actually a pretty huge deal.
-Well, li-like, how huge? -Well...
I-If you had to express it monetarily.
-Wh... Oh, no. -Lana, shut up.
-Archer, shut up. -[all clamor] -No!
-We are not going off on some...-Wild goose chase! Who's in?
-I'm so in!-Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!-Ooh, me!
-No. Now, wait a minute. -Lana, democracy has spoken.
So, if we take you home to Garj...
Well, to Garjek, our moon,
then my parents will reward you handsomely.
I'm already handsome. How much?
I mean... easily a million credits.
-[excited chatter] -In this economy?
And like I said, I'm a pretty huge deal.
Yes, yes, you definitely are.
So, can somebody here please
get His Highness some more cereal right now?
Yeah, or maybe just better cereal?
Well, I don't know about all that.
Just a thought.
Can I talk to you... please?
If you can do it while I'm plotting a course for Garjek.
Wha...
And ignoring you.
LANA: Because we need to put the ship in dry-dock.
The hull was damaged,
-even before this fiasco. -ARCHER: All right,
carry the two...
And now you want to put more stress on the ship
and jump two systems away
just because a sentient blobsays there might be money in it.
Uncarry the two.
On top of which-- not that you give a shit--
but you swore to me we'd go back to Earth.
-You promised. -Lana, come on.
I promised you lots of things.
-Archer... -Besides,
like you said, it's just two systems, a...
a skip and a jump.
What could possibly go wrong?
-Seriously? -[chuckles]
Besides all the normal stuff
that could easily go disastrously wrong,
-since space travel is so dangerous. -Ugh.
[engine whirring]
ARCHER: [laughs] Woooooo!!
Hyperspace!
ARCHER [laughing]: Oh, m... oh, man.
Is hyperspace not the best?
If you mean is it the bestat putting stress on the hull...
Is this the rest of my life now--
you bitching about the damn hull?
Right? Relax. The hull's gonna be...
-[explosion] -Aah!
-What the hell was that? -[glass shatters]
My last bottle of bitter lemon!
Dri'n fighters inbound.
ARCHER: From where?
-LANA: From the transport. -ARCHER: What?!
LANA: They must've followed us, dumbass.
How am I a dumbass?
How much time do you have?
Ow!
Uh... not much.
-COMPUTER: Hull damage. -We know!
-[alarm blaring] -COMPUTER: Battle stations.
Ugh! What now?
Seriously.
But whatever it is, I'm sure it's Archer's fault.
-Krieger, helm! -Yep!
Okay, assholes. Sun's out, guns out.
Well, in space, the sun is always...
Don't step on my line, fish!
Whoa...
Uh, I thought this was a civilian ship.
Isn't it illegal for it to have weapons?
Oh, my God, it is.
Should we pull over and call the Federation, or, uh...
-What? No, I just... -'Cause we're happy to pull over, Bort!
-KRIEGER: S-seriously? -LANA: No. Archer...
-[loud thud] -Please!
Quit dicking around.
ARCHER: Yeah, Bort.
Come on, come on, come on, come on...
Yes!
Get some! Get some!
Suppressing fire!
ARCHER: Jesus,
you couldn't suppress a cough.
-CYRIL [over comms]: Yes, I could. -TouchÃ©, Cyril.
We're taking too much damage!
Damn it! Okay, Carol...
Carol? Carol!
-What? -ARCHER: You know what!
-Ugh! -LANA: Goddamn it, woman.
All right, already!
Jesus!
[weapons firing]
Isn't it kind of weird Carol hates doing
the one thing she's good at?
No, I get it. I mean, I'm like that with blowjobs.
-MALORY: Oh, for... -[laughing]: Wai-Wait, what?
-Yeah, whooda what? -ARCHER: Since when are you good at blowjobs?
Excuse me?
[chuckles] For your information...
LANA: Cyril, shut up.
-Let the man speak. -ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
He has nothing to say on the matter.
-Do you, Cyril? -I... No, I guess not.
ARCHER: Whoa, w-whoa, w... wait a minute.
LANA: Hey, look over there-- that was the last pirate.
Way to go, Carol.
Yeah. Yay me.
ARCHER: Okay, we will talk about this later.
-LANA: No, we won't. -ARCHER: But for now, head to the gig.
We leave for the surface in five.
Time to see what a million credits looks like.
And we should take a duffel bag, or...
-Ray, uh, what are you doing? -[footsteps approaching]
I thought I'd go down with y'all and see if I could,
you know, find some clientele.
[all laughing]
Hey, you know what?
I don't need it!
PAM: Aw, man. Now I feel kind of bad.
ARCHER: Yeah, I d...
I do too. Let's bring him something back.
Does he still collect those little spoons?
Ugh, yes.
Hey, we're not going down there for a shopping spree.
We're gonna use that reward money to repair the ship.
Jesus, calm down, it's just a spoon.
Yeah, Lana.
So, Bort, wh... uh, what do we call your folks?
BORT: Do what?
ARCHER: Like, is this a "Your Majesty" type deal, or...
Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
Okay, so...
Oh, should I curtsy?
Ugh, there's a picture.
PAM: First of all, I was voted
Most Ladylike in my cotillion class, and I also...
Who was your competition-- a boulder?
-[weapons cocking] -[all gasp] -Oh, the Dri'n.
-[cackling] -ARCHER: What the...
-BARRY: Hey, gang. -Wha...
Barry Six?!
-MALORY: Good God. -CYRIL: Not Barry Six. -[all groan]
Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six. Say, Bort.
-Goddamn it, Bort. -Hey, Six. -You know him?
How the hell do you know Bort?
Oh, Bort and I go way back.
I got Bort out of a sticky little mess on Vega Three,
-didn't I, bud? -Yeah.
So this was all a big set-up?
-Duh-hoy. -I'm super sorry, you guys.
Oh, you will be, you little...
Butt-plug looking piece of shit!
That's what he reminds me of!
Mother, please.
Well look at him.
So are we... cool?
[chortling]
I mean, I am.
Okay, well, then I'm just gonna...
[grunting] kinda...
tip... just tip on out, then.
BARRY [chuckling]: Wow.
Wow. Look at that. Little kook.
You believe he's heir to the throne of the House of Garj?
What do you want with us?
Well, me and Archer have what you might call
an outstanding account to settle.
So, for starters, I'm gonna extract
all the bones from his body.
-What?! -No biggie.
Well, now just hold on a minute!
-Yeah! -If this is between
the two of you, the rest of us...
-No! -The rest of you, I hope,
are gonna fetch me a pretty good price
when I sell you down the spek mines.
-Seriously? -[overlapping chatter]
Yeah. Not great, huh?
[Dri'n laughing]
[door slams]
How about now-- happy now?
I mean... probably happier than I'm gonna be
when Barry Six starts yanking my bones.
[laughs] Space phrasing.
No.
MAN: Made in Georgia.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
Whoo!
-Hey. -[screeching]
-Welcome to the freak show. -[gasps]
[growling]
-[farts] -[sniffs]
-Is that shepherd's pie? -And banana puddin'.
-Why, I oughta-- -You oughta... wash off that 'nana puddin'.
-[slaps land] -[grunting]
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.