1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,306 [screaming] 2 00:00:02,350 --> 00:00:04,961 ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999. 3 00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,051 [ominous tone] 4 00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,055 ♪ 5 00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:28,854 ARCHER: Altair Beta? 6 00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:31,074 Why'd you wake me up way the hell out here? 7 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,859 MALORY:We picked up a distress beacon. 8 00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:35,078 Not surprising. 9 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,080 Altair Beta's not the best neighborhood. 10 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,908 MALORY: Unless you're a Dri'n pirate. 11 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,344 ARCHER: Yeah, speaking of-- 12 00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:42,520 looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard. 13 00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:45,871 Well, what say we go pick the bones? 14 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:49,353 [chuckles] I'd say, uh, unfortunate choice of words. 15 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,486 Figuratively. Hopefully. 16 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:54,271 Well, I'm in, but you know what she's gonna say. 17 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:55,968 Why, does she talk in her sleep? 18 00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,709 What? Mother, come on. We can't not... 19 00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,929 I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so... 20 00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,713 -So? -Huh. 21 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,976 W-Well, should we wake up anybody? 22 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,282 -Why would we? -Good point. 23 00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:08,198 Let's go check it out. 24 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,373 W-Wait, Mother. 25 00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,505 -Hang on. -[farts] 26 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:11,593 Oh, for the... 27 00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:14,378 -You are disgusting. -[snickering] 28 00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,511 Me? He's the one wallowing in... 29 00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:17,512 [sniffing] 30 00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:19,949 Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie. 31 00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,734 [sniffing] Ugh! And banana pudding. 32 00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:30,568 ♪ 33 00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,624 So, on the off chance 34 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,974 the pirates left anything worth taking... 35 00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,236 MALORY: There's no sense cutting 36 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,195 the rest of those idiots in on the deal. 37 00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,631 Yeah, they'll just... Wait, 38 00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,502 what do you mean, "the rest of those idiots?" 39 00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:54,288 -Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot? 40 00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:56,290 -No, I... -Yes, you were. 41 00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,205 I wasn't implying anything. You... 42 00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,859 -[alarm blaring] -COMPUTER: Proximity alert. 43 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:03,340 Proximity alert. 44 00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,473 Proximity alert. 45 00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:08,606 -What the hell? -Proximity alert. 46 00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:10,739 [alarm stops] 47 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:13,959 -[sighs] Idiot. -Aha! See? 48 00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:16,440 -You were implying it. -I'm saying it! 49 00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,660 Now can you please just dock the damn thing? 50 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,183 [crash] 51 00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,577 -Yes. -LANA: Nope! 52 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,318 -[sighs] Here we go. -Oh, goody. 53 00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:27,016 And just what in my own personal hell 54 00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,800 -do you two think you're doing?-Well... 55 00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:31,412 And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me. 56 00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,240 Okay, then... 57 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,068 Never mind. 58 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,116 [Archer theme playing] 59 00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:20,243 ARCHER: Damn it, Krieger, why'd you have to wake her up? 60 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,463 You big-mouth... fish. 61 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,943 Don't call me fish! And I didn't write my code, 62 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,381 -so don't yell at me. -I'll do the yelling. 63 00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:29,470 Great, that way we know you're getting enough oxygen. 64 00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:31,036 Now, somebody explain to me 65 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,516 why you're docking the ship without permission. 66 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,259 -Permission? -Look, we picked up a distress beacon, 67 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,392 and we thought, you know, that we'd... 68 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,481 Leave us all in stasis while you sneak in there 69 00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,396 to loot whatever the pirates might've left behind 70 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,529 in there, which-- spoiler alert-- is jack-shit 71 00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,966 unless you're counting the ionic charges 72 00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,492 they left as booby-traps! 73 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,885 Well, you've clearly already made up your mind, so... 74 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,671 [sighs] Somebody tell me this is a joke. 75 00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:59,978 Oh, what, you being first mate?Sadly, no. Not a joke. 76 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,764 No, this. Which better not be what it looks like. 77 00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,070 [laughs] That's better than what it smells like. 78 00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:08,378 -Huh? -Which is a giant bag of assholes. 79 00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,511 -What? -Cyril, you reek. 80 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:11,990 No, I...[sniffs] 81 00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:13,731 Is that shepherd's pie? 82 00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,907 [giggles] And banana pudding. 83 00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:16,995 Damn it, Archer. 84 00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:19,128 Did you fart in my stasis pod again? 85 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,173 -Why, I oughta... -You oughta wash off 86 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:22,305 that 'nana puddin'. 87 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,351 [grunting] 88 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,397 Stop touching me! You stink! 89 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,486 Will you two knock it off? 90 00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,489 -Yes. -Ow! 91 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,405 Why do we even serve shepherd's pie? 92 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,451 And, follow-up, why do we have 93 00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:39,714 the world's loneliest courtesan on board? 94 00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,237 -[gasps] -Seriously, though, 95 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,718 this whole place smells like a fart shit its pants. 96 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,459 PAM: Did somebody say pants? 97 00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:48,723 [laughing, cheering, applause] 98 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:54,206 [laughing, applause quiets] 99 00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:58,254 'Cause I'm not wearing any. 100 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,038 Because welcome to the freak show. 101 00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,345 What? Said the bug zapper. 102 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,565 -Yeah, and speaking of. -What? 103 00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:05,957 We had a deal. 104 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,003 -[all grumbling] -ARCHER: Yeah, come on, Mom. 105 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,614 [sighs] Oh, all right. 106 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,450 -Happy? -No, actually. 107 00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:23,540 Because you two were about to violate quarantine protocols, 108 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:26,413 possibly exposing my ship to dangerous... 109 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,415 -It's not your ship! -Half of it is. 110 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,286 Because I had a shitty divorce lawyer. 111 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,505 Whose fault is that? 112 00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:33,507 You're the one who wanted a divorce! 113 00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,378 When what I should've done is just wait for you 114 00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,555 to get murdered by one of the enemies you either owe money, 115 00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:41,210 cheated, cuckolded, straight-up stole from, 116 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,604 or some combination thereof. 117 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:46,433 [clears throat] Your point being? 118 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:49,261 Her point, Captain Doctor Science, 119 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,655 is you can't expose just half the ship 120 00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,788 to potentially deadly microorganisms. 121 00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,790 Aha! Potentially deadly. 122 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,269 I'm not having this argument again. 123 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,445 [chuckles] Apparently you are. 124 00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,185 -No, I'm not. 125 00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:01,752 Aborting docking sequence. 126 00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,798 Yes, you a... [grunting] 127 00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:06,322 -Damn it, Lana! -Aborting docking seq... 128 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,628 -BOTH: Krieger! -Guys, come on. 129 00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,586 We've been over and over and over this. 130 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,805 The Laws of Robotics... 131 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,285 Is made-up shit from a comic book. 132 00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:14,765 [gasps] 133 00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:17,202 -Sorry. -Don't be. It had to be said. -[thump] 134 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,421 -[muffled screaming] -[overlapping chatter] 135 00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:21,555 -CHERYL: What the shit? -[muffled splat] 136 00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:22,773 -[all gasp] -Oh, my God. 137 00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,427 [muffled grunting, straining] 138 00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,994 -PAM: What is that? -MALORY: Oh, my God, 139 00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,648 -what the hell... -KRIEGER: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody, shh. 140 00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,302 [grunting] 141 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,787 [pop] 142 00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:38,528 -Aah! -Kill it! -Boy! 143 00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:39,660 [panting] 144 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,052 Whew. 145 00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,580 -Are... -[screaming] 146 00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,500 [footsteps pattering away] 147 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:56,459 Happy? 148 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,940 I'm... happy you're not. 149 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:06,121 PAM: What the hell was that thing? 150 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,558 I think the more pressing question is... 151 00:07:08,602 --> 00:07:10,386 No, Krieger, for the millionth time, 152 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,606 -you'll never be a real boy. -I was going to say... 153 00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,695 I think it's more tragic than anything. 154 00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:16,087 -You're one to talk. -[gasps] 155 00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:17,698 -I was going to say... -Ooh! 156 00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:18,916 When will you be a real boy? 157 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,962 What the hell was it running from? 158 00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:23,617 Um... 159 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,836 -[all exclaim] -Son of a... 160 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,230 [growling] 161 00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,799 Dri'n dak! Dak txakurrak! 162 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,758 Oh, yeah? You want some of this? 163 00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:36,151 Ow! 164 00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,154 I think they might, actually. 165 00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:40,764 Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door. 166 00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,157 Yep, yep, yep. 167 00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,727 [muffled growling] 168 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,642 -That oughta hold 'em. Okay... -Hang on. 169 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:51,732 Shut up. Krieger, undock us. 170 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,169 Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon, 171 00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:56,519 split up, and find that xenomorph. 172 00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,173 For all we know he's a Trojan horse. 173 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:01,568 -He was pretty rubbery. -[laughing]: So stupid. 174 00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:02,656 Right? 175 00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,701 And if you can temporarily de-ass your head, 176 00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,311 want to get us out to here? 177 00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,878 Why? We can take these assholes. 178 00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,359 -[crashing] -[all scream] 179 00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,883 -COMPUTER: Hull damage. -You were saying? 180 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:16,104 -[sighs] -Hull damage. 181 00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,498 -[alarm blaring] -Hull damage. 182 00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:23,198 -Hull damage. -I heard you. 183 00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:29,813 ARCHER: Okay, Krieger, we clear? 184 00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:30,988 KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep! 185 00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:32,468 ARCHER: Okay then. 186 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,252 Everybody brace for initial thrust. 187 00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,254 In three... 188 00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,473 -Whoa! -God... 189 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,431 -Damn... -Son of a... 190 00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,608 -Bitch! -Ow! 191 00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:42,652 [laughs] 192 00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:43,740 "Woooooo!!" 193 00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:46,961 RAY: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no 194 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,789 -no, no! -[ceramic shattering] 195 00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,225 [sighs] 196 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,444 Can't have anything nice. 197 00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,968 Never gets old, does it? 198 00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,839 Nope. Unlike some people. 199 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:56,840 Excuse me?! 200 00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,842 Lana, handle your business. 201 00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,671 There's a giant squeezy toy on the loose. 202 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,586 LANA: I'll squeeze your... Damn it! 203 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,632 ARCHER: [laughs] Got nothing. 204 00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,991 Okay, keep your crazy eyes peeled. 205 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:18,819 And watch your muzzle, will ya? 206 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,951 I'm not trying to get blasted in the face. 207 00:09:20,995 --> 00:09:23,171 -Well, I'm not trying to get slimed. -What? 208 00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,086 It's not a ghost, dumbass. 209 00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:28,263 -How do you know? -[scoffs] Because nothing's a ghost. 210 00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:29,830 -[thump] -[gasps] -Shh. 211 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,747 You open it on three. 212 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,183 Ready? 213 00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:36,880 One... 214 00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:40,231 -[gasps] -[yelps] -Oh, for... You pussy. 215 00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,756 You're supposed to belooking for the damn xenomorph. 216 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,627 I'm checking all the storage lockers. 217 00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,762 This one's clear. 218 00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,286 [footsteps pattering] 219 00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:52,722 On me. 220 00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:57,031 -Freeze! -Don't shoot, don't shoot! 221 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,467 Let me see those hands! 222 00:09:58,510 --> 00:09:59,773 I... I don't have any. 223 00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,296 -Duh-hoy. -Shut up. 224 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,690 Okay, so who or what are you? 225 00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,039 I... W... I'm Bort. 226 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,085 Bort the Garj? 227 00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:13,003 -Of the House of Garj? -Well, Mr. Bort the Garj, 228 00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,744 just, what do you think you're doing? 229 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,705 Eating off-brand cereal. 230 00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:22,317 No, the passengers were from all over. 231 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,799 I was the only Garj, and soI was able to hide in the walls 232 00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:27,322 when they attacked the transport. 233 00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,498 And after they killed all the crew, they just... 234 00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:30,804 took everybody. 235 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,023 To sell into the spek mines, no doubt. 236 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,243 So how do you know English? 237 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:38,072 -Is... that relevant? -Yeah, Lana. 238 00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,813 I mean, why does anybody know it? 239 00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,815 I mean she does. She's obviously not human. 240 00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:44,556 -But not so obviously a she. -Hey! 241 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,732 We were all thinking it. 242 00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,734 'Cause you're all a bunch of xenophobes. 243 00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:50,345 Are you... You're as bad as she is. 244 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,739 -Always calling me fish or... -That doesn't count. 245 00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,872 -You're a robot. -Synthetic human. 246 00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,526 Potato, pobobot, am I right? 247 00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,311 Anyway, the important thing is I'm okay. 248 00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,704 -Is that so? -Well, yeah. 249 00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:04,228 I mean, I'm heir to the throne of the House of Garj, so... 250 00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,971 And that's actually a pretty huge deal. 251 00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:10,104 -Well, li-like, how huge? -Well... 252 00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,410 I-If you had to express it monetarily. 253 00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,978 -Wh... Oh, no. -Lana, shut up. 254 00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:16,588 -Archer, shut up. -[all clamor] -No! 255 00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:18,982 -We are not going off on some...-Wild goose chase! Who's in? 256 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,810 -I'm so in!-Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!-Ooh, me! 257 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:24,553 -No. Now, wait a minute. -Lana, democracy has spoken. 258 00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:27,338 So, if we take you home to Garj... 259 00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,992 Well, to Garjek, our moon, 260 00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:31,821 then my parents will reward you handsomely. 261 00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,997 I'm already handsome. How much? 262 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,999 I mean... easily a million credits. 263 00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:39,002 -[excited chatter] -In this economy? 264 00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,004 And like I said, I'm a pretty huge deal. 265 00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,006 Yes, yes, you definitely are. 266 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,356 So, can somebody here please 267 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,011 get His Highness some more cereal right now? 268 00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,752 Yeah, or maybe just better cereal? 269 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,885 Well, I don't know about all that. 270 00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:52,929 Just a thought. 271 00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,366 Can I talk to you... please? 272 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,630 If you can do it while I'm plotting a course for Garjek. 273 00:11:58,674 --> 00:11:59,806 Wha... 274 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,198 And ignoring you. 275 00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:04,985 LANA: Because we need to put the ship in dry-dock. 276 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,421 The hull was damaged, 277 00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,989 -even before this fiasco. -ARCHER: All right, 278 00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,120 carry the two... 279 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,427 And now you want to put more stress on the ship 280 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,342 and jump two systems away 281 00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:17,824 just because a sentient blobsays there might be money in it. 282 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,651 Uncarry the two. 283 00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:21,697 On top of which-- not that you give a shit-- 284 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,917 but you swore to me we'd go back to Earth. 285 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,135 -You promised. -Lana, come on. 286 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,876 I promised you lots of things. 287 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,356 -Archer... -Besides, 288 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,575 like you said, it's just two systems, a... 289 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:31,838 a skip and a jump. 290 00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,665 What could possibly go wrong? 291 00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:34,928 -Seriously? -[chuckles] 292 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,146 Besides all the normal stuff 293 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,845 that could easily go disastrously wrong, 294 00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:41,848 -since space travel is so dangerous. -Ugh. 295 00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,285 [engine whirring] 296 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,809 ARCHER: [laughs] Woooooo!! 297 00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,986 Hyperspace! 298 00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:05,045 ARCHER [laughing]: Oh, m... oh, man. 299 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,003 Is hyperspace not the best? 300 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,876 If you mean is it the bestat putting stress on the hull... 301 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,747 Is this the rest of my life now-- 302 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,315 you bitching about the damn hull? 303 00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,534 Right? Relax. The hull's gonna be... 304 00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:17,666 -[explosion] -Aah! 305 00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:18,754 -What the hell was that? -[glass shatters] 306 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,104 My last bottle of bitter lemon! 307 00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,236 Dri'n fighters inbound. 308 00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:23,846 ARCHER: From where? 309 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,413 -LANA: From the transport. -ARCHER: What?! 310 00:13:25,456 --> 00:13:27,632 LANA: They must've followed us, dumbass. 311 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:28,851 How am I a dumbass? 312 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,722 How much time do you have? 313 00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:31,898 Ow! 314 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,900 Uh... not much. 315 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,076 -COMPUTER: Hull damage. -We know! 316 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,555 -[alarm blaring] -COMPUTER: Battle stations. 317 00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:39,862 Ugh! What now? 318 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,864 Seriously. 319 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:45,128 But whatever it is, I'm sure it's Archer's fault. 320 00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,042 -Krieger, helm! -Yep! 321 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:49,654 Okay, assholes. Sun's out, guns out. 322 00:13:49,698 --> 00:13:51,526 Well, in space, the sun is always... 323 00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,963 Don't step on my line, fish! 324 00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,495 Whoa... 325 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,324 Uh, I thought this was a civilian ship. 326 00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:08,891 Isn't it illegal for it to have weapons? 327 00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,675 Oh, my God, it is. 328 00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:13,722 Should we pull over and call the Federation, or, uh... 329 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,898 -What? No, I just... -'Cause we're happy to pull over, Bort! 330 00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:18,292 -KRIEGER: S-seriously? -LANA: No. Archer... 331 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,510 -[loud thud] -Please! 332 00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,425 Quit dicking around. 333 00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:23,863 ARCHER: Yeah, Bort. 334 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,085 Come on, come on, come on, come on... 335 00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,565 Yes! 336 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,831 Get some! Get some! 337 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:40,357 Suppressing fire! 338 00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,359 ARCHER: Jesus, 339 00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:43,926 you couldn't suppress a cough. 340 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,189 -CYRIL [over comms]: Yes, I could. -Touché, Cyril. 341 00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,150 We're taking too much damage! 342 00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,848 Damn it! Okay, Carol... 343 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,937 Carol? Carol! 344 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,417 -What? -ARCHER: You know what! 345 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,985 -Ugh! -LANA: Goddamn it, woman. 346 00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,030 All right, already! 347 00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:03,903 Jesus! 348 00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,993 [weapons firing] 349 00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,828 Isn't it kind of weird Carol hates doing 350 00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:18,352 the one thing she's good at? 351 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,658 No, I get it. I mean, I'm like that with blowjobs. 352 00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:23,661 -MALORY: Oh, for... -[laughing]: Wai-Wait, what? 353 00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:26,403 -Yeah, whooda what? -ARCHER: Since when are you good at blowjobs? 354 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:27,752 Excuse me? 355 00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,580 [chuckles] For your information... 356 00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,017 LANA: Cyril, shut up. 357 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,193 -Let the man speak. -ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. 358 00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,238 He has nothing to say on the matter. 359 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:38,241 -Do you, Cyril? -I... No, I guess not. 360 00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:40,113 ARCHER: Whoa, w-whoa, w... wait a minute. 361 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,854 LANA: Hey, look over there-- that was the last pirate. 362 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,204 Way to go, Carol. 363 00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:45,857 Yeah. Yay me. 364 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,468 ARCHER: Okay, we will talk about this later. 365 00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,774 -LANA: No, we won't. -ARCHER: But for now, head to the gig. 366 00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,124 We leave for the surface in five. 367 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:54,083 Time to see what a million credits looks like. 368 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,434 And we should take a duffel bag, or... 369 00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,220 -Ray, uh, what are you doing? -[footsteps approaching] 370 00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:02,352 I thought I'd go down with y'all and see if I could, 371 00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,267 you know, find some clientele. 372 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:06,313 [all laughing] 373 00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,012 Hey, you know what? 374 00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,927 I don't need it! 375 00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:16,018 PAM: Aw, man. Now I feel kind of bad. 376 00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,802 ARCHER: Yeah, I d... 377 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,891 I do too. Let's bring him something back. 378 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,806 Does he still collect those little spoons? 379 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,286 Ugh, yes. 380 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,462 Hey, we're not going down there for a shopping spree. 381 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,812 We're gonna use that reward money to repair the ship. 382 00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,119 Jesus, calm down, it's just a spoon. 383 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,207 Yeah, Lana. 384 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,650 So, Bort, wh... uh, what do we call your folks? 385 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,304 BORT: Do what? 386 00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,872 ARCHER: Like, is this a "Your Majesty" type deal, or... 387 00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,092 Uh, y-yeah, I guess. 388 00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,397 Okay, so... 389 00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:48,964 Oh, should I curtsy? 390 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,879 Ugh, there's a picture. 391 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,881 PAM: First of all, I was voted 392 00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,318 Most Ladylike in my cotillion class, and I also... 393 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,842 Who was your competition-- a boulder? 394 00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,235 -[weapons cocking] -[all gasp] -Oh, the Dri'n. 395 00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,194 -[cackling] -ARCHER: What the... 396 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,674 -BARRY: Hey, gang. -Wha... 397 00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,241 Barry Six?! 398 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,200 -MALORY: Good God. -CYRIL: Not Barry Six. -[all groan] 399 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:10,986 Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six. Say, Bort. 400 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,161 -Goddamn it, Bort. -Hey, Six. -You know him? 401 00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,684 How the hell do you know Bort? 402 00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:15,295 Oh, Bort and I go way back. 403 00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:18,124 I got Bort out of a sticky little mess on Vega Three, 404 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:20,300 -didn't I, bud? -Yeah. 405 00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,084 So this was all a big set-up? 406 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:25,218 -Duh-hoy. -I'm super sorry, you guys. 407 00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:26,654 Oh, you will be, you little... 408 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:29,091 Butt-plug looking piece of shit! 409 00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,875 That's what he reminds me of! 410 00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,181 Mother, please. 411 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,182 Well look at him. 412 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,228 So are we... cool? 413 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,099 [chortling] 414 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,796 I mean, I am. 415 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,321 Okay, well, then I'm just gonna... 416 00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:45,194 [grunting] kinda... 417 00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,066 tip... just tip on out, then. 418 00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:50,678 BARRY [chuckling]: Wow. 419 00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:54,377 Wow. Look at that. Little kook. 420 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,510 You believe he's heir to the throne of the House of Garj? 421 00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:58,207 What do you want with us? 422 00:17:58,251 --> 00:17:59,991 Well, me and Archer have what you might call 423 00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,124 an outstanding account to settle. 424 00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:04,692 So, for starters, I'm gonna extract 425 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,172 all the bones from his body. 426 00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,782 -What?! -No biggie. 427 00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,131 Well, now just hold on a minute! 428 00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,263 -Yeah! -If this is between 429 00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,178 the two of you, the rest of us... 430 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,745 -No! -The rest of you, I hope, 431 00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,791 are gonna fetch me a pretty good price 432 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,184 when I sell you down the spek mines. 433 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,707 -Seriously? -[overlapping chatter] 434 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,839 Yeah. Not great, huh? 435 00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:23,058 [Dri'n laughing] 436 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,103 [door slams] 437 00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:36,767 How about now-- happy now? 438 00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:39,205 I mean... probably happier than I'm gonna be 439 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,424 when Barry Six starts yanking my bones. 440 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,165 [laughs] Space phrasing. 441 00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,213 No. 442 00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,943 MAN: Made in Georgia. 443 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,384 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 444 00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:31,170 Whoo! 445 00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:33,737 -Hey. -[screeching] 446 00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,391 -Welcome to the freak show. -[gasps] 447 00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:37,132 [growling] 448 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,438 -[farts] -[sniffs] 449 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:41,658 -Is that shepherd's pie? -And banana puddin'. 450 00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,444 -Why, I oughta-- -You oughta... wash off that 'nana puddin'. 451 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,532 -[slaps land] -[grunting] 452 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,229 ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999. 453 00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:50,189 All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.