1 00:00:08,243 --> 00:00:09,979 And that's your message? 2 00:00:09,979 --> 00:00:11,705 My god, who... 3 00:00:11,705 --> 00:00:12,494 Who's there?! 4 00:00:12,741 --> 00:00:13,926 What do you want?! 5 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,122 Because all you're gonna get is holes! 6 00:00:16,122 --> 00:00:19,349 I-I mean holes in you, not my... 7 00:00:20,541 --> 00:00:22,132 sterling? 8 00:00:22,132 --> 00:00:23,245 Hello, mother. 9 00:00:23,245 --> 00:00:25,177 Where the hell have you been?! 10 00:00:25,177 --> 00:00:26,074 I don't know. 11 00:00:26,074 --> 00:00:28,555 Wh-- and why do you have a cleaver?! 12 00:00:34,375 --> 00:00:36,463 "All interoffice fraternization of an intimate 13 00:00:36,463 --> 00:00:39,352 Nature is hereby prohibited, to include, but not limited to, 14 00:00:39,352 --> 00:00:42,375 Trysts, assignations - -" What's this even mean? 15 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,588 It means no more banging co-workers. 16 00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:46,852 Oh, so it doesn't affect you... 17 00:00:47,513 --> 00:00:48,746 Oh, wait. Guess what. 18 00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:51,109 Hey, this isn't my fault! 19 00:00:51,109 --> 00:00:53,006 It's exactly your fault, idiot. 20 00:00:53,006 --> 00:00:54,683 When mother found out you cheated on lana -- 21 00:00:54,683 --> 00:00:56,210 Hey, you cheated on lana plenty! 22 00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:58,205 Yeah, but with starlets, models. 23 00:00:58,205 --> 00:01:00,496 Oh, and one time, two actual princesses. 24 00:01:00,496 --> 00:01:01,400 Two at the same time? 25 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,328 Yeah, they were sisters. Sploosh. 26 00:01:03,328 --> 00:01:04,563 Cyril, you threw lana 27 00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:06,714 Away on chicks like -- like carol. 28 00:01:06,714 --> 00:01:09,038 it's cheryl. archer: Exactly. Back me up here. 29 00:01:09,038 --> 00:01:10,492 You slept with her, too! 30 00:01:10,492 --> 00:01:11,598 When I was bored. 31 00:01:11,598 --> 00:01:12,698 Like, stuck at home, waiting for 32 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,683 The cable guy, or -- oh, hey, 33 00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:17,013 What you doing Thursday between 00 and noon? 34 00:01:17,721 --> 00:01:18,515 1:00 and 4:00? 35 00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:20,687 I'll be doing one of your co-workers. 36 00:01:20,687 --> 00:01:22,690 Well, do it before quitting time Friday! 37 00:01:22,690 --> 00:01:24,629 Why would ms. Archer give us until Friday? 38 00:01:24,629 --> 00:01:27,055 I did that, because somebody in this building is 39 00:01:27,055 --> 00:01:28,397 Gonna have sex with me. 40 00:01:28,397 --> 00:01:28,944 Yeah? 41 00:01:28,944 --> 00:01:30,302 You think between now and friday, 42 00:01:30,302 --> 00:01:31,941 you can score some roofies? 43 00:01:32,606 --> 00:01:35,785 Uh, pam, I will end you. 44 00:01:38,774 --> 00:01:40,731 Where the hell is my staple gun?! 45 00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:42,376 I think I saw cyril with it. 46 00:01:42,376 --> 00:01:43,706 He went through my desk?! 47 00:01:43,706 --> 00:01:45,410 I guess. I mean, he said he did. 48 00:01:45,410 --> 00:01:46,901 Oh, I don't know why i'm surprised. 49 00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:50,019 I mean, can you believe him, cheating on lana? 50 00:01:50,019 --> 00:01:51,766 Baffling. Said the kettle! 51 00:01:51,766 --> 00:01:54,314 Which is why I started that new policy. 52 00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:55,805 Yeah? You idiots run around 53 00:01:55,805 --> 00:01:58,553 Here like it's spring break on south padre. 54 00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,912 Just sex, sex, sex... 55 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,886 Sexy, sexy, eh? 56 00:02:02,886 --> 00:02:05,628 Nikolai?! Is from frederick's of latvia. 57 00:02:05,628 --> 00:02:07,558 Mother! Oh, hello, son. 58 00:02:07,558 --> 00:02:09,494 What?! Nikolai... Why did he just call me son?! 59 00:02:09,494 --> 00:02:10,776 Nikolai. What is this?! 60 00:02:10,776 --> 00:02:13,932 You mean besides incredibly awkward? 61 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:51,139 No, I think "Incredibly awkward" Just about sums it up. 62 00:02:51,139 --> 00:02:52,810 W-- mother! 63 00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:54,712 Nikolai, could I call you back? 64 00:02:54,712 --> 00:02:57,784 Da. I will be here maybe one hour. 65 00:02:57,784 --> 00:02:59,957 Mother! jakov: Then I try to hit gym. 66 00:02:59,957 --> 00:03:01,846 The gym. That'll be the day. 67 00:03:01,846 --> 00:03:03,381 Are you out of your mind?! 68 00:03:03,758 --> 00:03:06,548 I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my 69 00:03:06,548 --> 00:03:08,067 Steuben bar set! 70 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,009 Well, you just destroyed my innocence! 71 00:03:10,009 --> 00:03:11,496 Oh, please. 72 00:03:11,496 --> 00:03:13,977 That brazilian au pair did that when you were 13! 73 00:03:13,977 --> 00:03:16,196 12! And why does nikolai jakov, the 74 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,418 Head of the kgb, have a direct line to your office?! 75 00:03:19,418 --> 00:03:23,128 Well, you know, from time to time - no, just leave that. 76 00:03:23,128 --> 00:03:24,821 You'll cut yours-- sterling! 77 00:03:24,821 --> 00:03:26,280 And a follow-up question! 78 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,466 Why did he just call me son?! 79 00:03:28,466 --> 00:03:30,728 That's...Often a figure of speech. 80 00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:31,787 Yeah?! How often?! 81 00:03:31,787 --> 00:03:33,106 Very often. 82 00:03:33,466 --> 00:03:35,010 Just not in this case. 83 00:03:35,010 --> 00:03:35,931 I know what -- 84 00:03:37,049 --> 00:03:38,144 What? 85 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:41,526 Terrific. 86 00:03:41,526 --> 00:03:44,505 Two steuben glasses left, and you break one. 87 00:03:44,505 --> 00:03:47,681 I'm sorry, krieger, but it's over, so here's all your 88 00:03:47,681 --> 00:03:49,814 Creedence clearwater albums back. 89 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:52,019 And now a sad moon is on the rise. 90 00:03:52,019 --> 00:03:53,276 I know. Devastating. 91 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,532 But it's not you, it's your weak, womany hands. 92 00:03:55,532 --> 00:03:57,165 They're not - it's like being choked by a 93 00:03:57,165 --> 00:03:59,715 Child, which I thought would be hot, but -- 94 00:03:59,715 --> 00:04:01,123 Wait. No. I'll take steroids. 95 00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:04,116 I can't wait. I need a man now with monster hands. 96 00:04:04,116 --> 00:04:06,992 Oh, like lan-- ah! Hey, you! 97 00:04:06,992 --> 00:04:09,902 You know, the whole monster-hands thing -- starting 98 00:04:09,902 --> 00:04:10,886 To border on mean. 99 00:04:10,886 --> 00:04:12,887 oh, you gonna run cry to ms. Archer, 100 00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:14,672 like when cyril Cheated on you? 101 00:04:15,537 --> 00:04:16,360 Hello. 102 00:04:16,653 --> 00:04:19,078 Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I 103 00:04:19,078 --> 00:04:20,718 Made out of extension cord. 104 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,621 guess what. She wasn't the only one cyril cheated with. 105 00:04:24,570 --> 00:04:26,488 And what is that supposed to mean? 106 00:04:26,488 --> 00:04:28,145 figure it out, truckasaurus. 107 00:04:28,145 --> 00:04:30,238 Oh, that gives me an idea. 108 00:04:30,238 --> 00:04:31,936 But I already have a father! 109 00:04:31,936 --> 00:04:34,108 His name was john fitzgerald archer, and he 110 00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:35,793 Was a fighter ace and he won the 111 00:04:35,793 --> 00:04:37,302 Navy cross and his men called him -- 112 00:04:37,302 --> 00:04:38,615 "Black jack" Archer. 113 00:04:38,615 --> 00:04:39,990 I know, dear, I know. 114 00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:41,451 Because I made it all up. 115 00:04:41,451 --> 00:04:43,337 But the military funeral! 116 00:04:43,337 --> 00:04:44,391 ready! 117 00:04:44,391 --> 00:04:45,892 Oh, my god. 118 00:04:46,868 --> 00:04:49,912 If we miss that train, I will go blind. 119 00:04:49,912 --> 00:04:51,156 fire! 120 00:04:52,241 --> 00:04:53,775 But the 21-gun salute! 121 00:04:53,775 --> 00:04:55,613 I donated 600 bucks 122 00:04:55,613 --> 00:04:58,429 To a junior rotc team up in yonkers. 123 00:04:58,429 --> 00:05:01,616 What? Which they used to go to a competition in albany, 124 00:05:01,616 --> 00:05:03,255 Where they won third place! 125 00:05:03,255 --> 00:05:05,286 What? malory: So a lot of good came out of that. 126 00:05:05,286 --> 00:05:07,009 Oh, so, all's well that ends well?! 127 00:05:07,009 --> 00:05:07,922 What was I to do? 128 00:05:07,922 --> 00:05:10,495 Tell a 3-year-old his father might be in the kgb?! 129 00:05:10,495 --> 00:05:12,167 What?! What do you mean, might be?! 130 00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:17,721 So, there may or may not be a few other possibles in the mix. 131 00:05:19,232 --> 00:05:19,976 What? 132 00:05:19,976 --> 00:05:20,729 Seriously? 133 00:05:20,729 --> 00:05:22,360 You cheated on me with carol?! 134 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,948 cheryl! Exactly. 135 00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:26,312 And I can explain that. 136 00:05:26,312 --> 00:05:27,455 Well, if you'd let me! 137 00:05:27,455 --> 00:05:30,513 Yeah, tell me how my father might be nikolai jakov, 138 00:05:30,513 --> 00:05:34,306 Head of the kgb, or len trexler, head of odin! 139 00:05:34,306 --> 00:05:36,655 I assume those are my only choices! 140 00:05:38,602 --> 00:05:40,386 Oh, my -- who else?! 141 00:05:40,848 --> 00:05:41,804 Gene krupa. 142 00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,850 What?! The drummer?! No, wait, not krupa. 143 00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:45,368 The other one, with the teeth. 144 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:47,772 Buddy rich. 145 00:05:47,772 --> 00:05:49,997 Oh, my -- i could never say no to a drummer. 146 00:05:49,997 --> 00:05:51,575 Could you say no to anybody?! 147 00:05:52,822 --> 00:05:55,383 I said no to plenty. 148 00:05:55,383 --> 00:05:57,265 No. No. Yes. Have sex with me. 149 00:05:57,265 --> 00:05:58,584 No. Please? No. 150 00:05:58,584 --> 00:06:00,370 Oh, come on! 151 00:06:00,687 --> 00:06:02,983 Nobody would ever know! 152 00:06:02,983 --> 00:06:05,496 Yeah. I'd know. 153 00:06:05,496 --> 00:06:06,454 No! Da! 154 00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:07,768 No! jakov: Let me talk to him! 155 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:08,683 No! jakov: Kroshka. 156 00:06:08,683 --> 00:06:10,244 Nikolai, he's not even here. 157 00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:12,244 He stormed out, thanks to you! 158 00:06:12,244 --> 00:06:14,418 But I could talk sense into him! 159 00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:16,257 After all, I am his father. 160 00:06:16,257 --> 00:06:18,809 Oh. So... 161 00:06:19,368 --> 00:06:22,470 Len trexler or buddy rich?! 162 00:06:22,737 --> 00:06:25,730 Get me that crazy german! Now! 163 00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:28,400 Hostile work environment. jakov: Shut up! 164 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,757 We're going to kidnap agent sterling archer. 165 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:32,737 oh, yeah, then what? You hurt his feelings? 166 00:06:32,737 --> 00:06:35,456 Nyet! Then we put new mind-control 167 00:06:35,456 --> 00:06:37,358 Microchip into his brain. 168 00:06:37,358 --> 00:06:41,807 We use its remote-control capability to bring him here, 169 00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:43,721 Make the papa test. 170 00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:45,941 And if I am archer's father, I 171 00:06:45,941 --> 00:06:49,754 Turn him against his own mother as soviet agent. 172 00:06:49,754 --> 00:06:52,284 Make him a, how you say, vole. 173 00:06:53,698 --> 00:06:55,564 I think you mean "Mole." 174 00:06:55,564 --> 00:06:56,334 mole. 175 00:06:56,334 --> 00:07:00,572 Vole is also rodent but more closer related to lemming. 176 00:07:02,862 --> 00:07:06,661 Ah, da, da, da. 177 00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:09,945 Come on, buddy. 178 00:07:15,928 --> 00:07:17,070 Can't you read, ass douche?! 179 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,984 You're not supposed to be here without a kid! 180 00:07:18,984 --> 00:07:21,785 as it happens, I am here with a child. 181 00:07:21,785 --> 00:07:24,344 mani, can we have more money for the sweets? 182 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:26,920 What?! That's not even a real baby! 183 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,084 Und that is? 184 00:07:28,429 --> 00:07:29,104 I thought you were 185 00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:31,747 Off to the fair mit your prize turnip! 186 00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,458 Listen, you kraut puke! 187 00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:36,157 Hallo? Oh, ja. 188 00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:37,707 You should go. 189 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,702 Oh, you're lucky his father's not here. 190 00:07:39,702 --> 00:07:40,966 He knows krav maga! 191 00:07:40,966 --> 00:07:44,383 He'll kick your balls right through your head, nazi shit-ass! 192 00:07:44,605 --> 00:07:45,940 Mani, these peoples! 193 00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:48,788 Well, you wanted him to grow up in the city. 194 00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:51,088 Oh, scheisse! Nein, major, not you! 195 00:07:51,088 --> 00:07:52,414 Ja, listening. 196 00:07:52,414 --> 00:07:54,576 And after you take archer to the... 197 00:07:55,815 --> 00:07:57,988 ...Kgb safe house on gansevoort, 198 00:07:57,988 --> 00:08:00,830 You will implant the microchip into his brain. 199 00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:01,778 Got it. 200 00:08:02,418 --> 00:08:03,740 Ja, seriously. 201 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,228 Okay, uta, we have a job, so -- 202 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:09,033 W-where is the diaper bag? 203 00:08:10,466 --> 00:08:12,367 I forgot where I put it. 204 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,930 huge surprise. 205 00:08:14,608 --> 00:08:15,418 Idiot! 206 00:08:15,418 --> 00:08:16,780 What is wrong with you?! 207 00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:19,135 And just who the happy hell do you think you 208 00:08:19,135 --> 00:08:20,608 Are, hanging up on me?! 209 00:08:20,608 --> 00:08:23,942 Oh! You gonna tell your boyfriend, len trexler, or 210 00:08:23,942 --> 00:08:25,226 Maybe gene krupa?! 211 00:08:25,226 --> 00:08:26,646 It was the other one! 212 00:08:26,646 --> 00:08:29,460 Maybe. Or you, maybe, or -- whoever 213 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,069 It was, he wasn't there to raise 214 00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:33,507 Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now! 215 00:08:33,507 --> 00:08:34,517 We'll see. What? 216 00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:37,289 Nothing. Nikolai, what are you scheming at?! 217 00:08:37,289 --> 00:08:40,697 Nothing. Again he hangs up on me! 218 00:08:43,918 --> 00:08:46,712 And there goes the last steuben. 219 00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:51,241 sploosh! 220 00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:53,124 Yes. that's what I'm talkin' about! 221 00:08:53,124 --> 00:08:53,960 Yep, yep, yep. 222 00:08:54,548 --> 00:08:56,710 wait...You think it's safe? 223 00:08:58,644 --> 00:08:59,447 No. 224 00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:01,493 Okay, we got the french 225 00:09:01,493 --> 00:09:04,936 Chick and carol and anybody else, rambone? 226 00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:07,080 No. Hi, cyril. 227 00:09:10,621 --> 00:09:12,508 Scatterbrain jane?! Really?! 228 00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:15,422 Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. 229 00:09:15,498 --> 00:09:17,338 oh, right! 230 00:09:17,338 --> 00:09:19,693 I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and... 231 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,626 Mastectomy coupons. 232 00:09:21,626 --> 00:09:24,913 Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this. 233 00:09:24,913 --> 00:09:26,701 Yep. Anybody else? 234 00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:30,914 Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me. 235 00:09:32,654 --> 00:09:33,784 Aren't you? 236 00:09:33,784 --> 00:09:34,648 Nope! lan okay. 237 00:09:34,648 --> 00:09:36,580 No. No one. lana: Okay, get out. 238 00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:38,487 Of...My own office? 239 00:09:38,487 --> 00:09:39,936 Yep. cyril: Why? 240 00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:43,944 Oh, you don't want to be here... When I bang every last 241 00:09:43,944 --> 00:09:44,716 Dude in the building. 242 00:09:44,716 --> 00:09:46,525 Whaty. lana: Right here on your blotter. 243 00:09:46,525 --> 00:09:47,597 No! lana: Yep. 244 00:09:47,597 --> 00:09:49,367 You can't do that! lana: Really? 245 00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:50,936 Is it opposite day already? 246 00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:53,230 Uh, attention? 247 00:09:53,646 --> 00:09:55,868 Hi, this is agent kane, and if 248 00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,388 You want to have ball-slappy sex 249 00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,424 With me on cyril's desk, please 250 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,361 Line up and take a number. 251 00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:04,085 You heard the lady! 252 00:10:04,398 --> 00:10:05,943 Take a number! 253 00:10:07,349 --> 00:10:08,864 86'ed?! 254 00:10:08,864 --> 00:10:11,709 Unh-unh! You don't 86 me! 255 00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:15,140 'cause my dad won the navy cross! 256 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,321 Use the door! 257 00:10:19,321 --> 00:10:21,348 Help! Please help me! 258 00:10:21,348 --> 00:10:23,300 My baby! He's swallowed something! 259 00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,452 He's choking! 260 00:10:25,466 --> 00:10:27,628 Uh, who gives a shit about a baby? 261 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,604 Who would want to raise a child here? 262 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,754 Well, that was a huge waste of time. 263 00:10:36,754 --> 00:10:38,530 I said, don't take your clothes off. 264 00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:39,687 Well... Begged, even. 265 00:10:39,687 --> 00:10:41,798 Well! This is good to go. 266 00:10:41,798 --> 00:10:43,086 So was this. 267 00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:44,347 So, let's get number 2 in here. 268 00:10:44,446 --> 00:10:46,037 You really think this is gonna work? 269 00:10:46,037 --> 00:10:47,608 Pam, look at me. 270 00:10:47,608 --> 00:10:49,914 Yeah...Sploosh. 271 00:10:51,248 --> 00:10:53,090 Now serving number 2! 272 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:54,090 I'm 2! 273 00:10:55,128 --> 00:10:56,545 That's me! Move, dude! 274 00:10:56,545 --> 00:10:57,580 Animals! 275 00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:59,458 You're all just animals! 276 00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:00,426 Lying in wait at 277 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:03,579 The watering hole, taut buttocks all aquiver... 278 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,184 What the... gillette:... Aching to pounce 279 00:11:05,184 --> 00:11:07,337 On the supple, brown flesh of your woman. 280 00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:08,888 Shut up! gillette: They're gonna mess her up. 281 00:11:08,888 --> 00:11:10,997 Why are you even here? gillette: Hello... 282 00:11:10,997 --> 00:11:13,261 But you're gay! gillette: Girl, please. 283 00:11:13,488 --> 00:11:14,794 Nobody's that gay. 284 00:11:14,794 --> 00:11:16,620 Wait. What? What, what? 285 00:11:16,620 --> 00:11:19,328 What part of "You pay me $600" do you not get? 286 00:11:19,328 --> 00:11:21,742 The...Part where we don't have sex? 287 00:11:21,742 --> 00:11:23,584 You get to say we did, 288 00:11:23,584 --> 00:11:25,918 Which is like half the reason men have sex! 289 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,699 But that's a lot of money. 290 00:11:27,699 --> 00:11:30,137 Not compared to rotator-cuff surgery. 291 00:11:30,137 --> 00:11:31,108 What? Which you're gonna need 292 00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:32,796 After the jillion high-fives you 293 00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:34,388 Give your little bros. 294 00:11:35,773 --> 00:11:37,220 Okay, I'm in! But the first guy you 295 00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:39,624 Tell is cyril, and you make up the sickest -- 296 00:11:39,624 --> 00:11:41,039 Yeah, shut up. Do you take plastic? 297 00:11:41,039 --> 00:11:44,102 5% discount for cash. I thought it was 10%. 298 00:11:45,742 --> 00:11:47,254 I can't wet my beak?! 299 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,839 Hey, seriously, 300 00:11:50,839 --> 00:11:54,622 Kidnappers, super not in the mood for this right now. 301 00:11:56,074 --> 00:11:57,739 Or that. What is that? 302 00:11:58,438 --> 00:11:59,450 Is that a drill? 303 00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:01,338 Okay. I don't want that. 304 00:12:01,338 --> 00:12:02,059 Okay, so, I make a 305 00:12:02,059 --> 00:12:04,409 Klein hole in the skull mit this. 306 00:12:04,409 --> 00:12:05,428 You can shut that off. 307 00:12:05,428 --> 00:12:08,172 Then, into the hole, i smoosh this. 308 00:12:08,172 --> 00:12:09,622 What is that? manfred: Und then they can 309 00:12:09,622 --> 00:12:10,875 Control his brain. 310 00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:14,894 But is soviet technology, so it's a "Kreppenschutze." 311 00:12:14,894 --> 00:12:16,255 This is amazing, no? 312 00:12:16,255 --> 00:12:17,106 What is amazing is 313 00:12:17,106 --> 00:12:19,204 We just ran into him on the street. 314 00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:20,824 Hey. manfred: It's a huge city. 315 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,546 Hey, proposition! 316 00:12:22,546 --> 00:12:24,335 First person to untie me, guy or 317 00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:27,632 Gal, I will let him or her give me a handy. 318 00:12:28,232 --> 00:12:31,097 Come on, let's share the lkma of hu n kindness! 319 00:12:31,097 --> 00:12:32,750 What an arsch hole! Come on. 320 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,917 Don't worry, your time is coming. 321 00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:37,012 Wait? My time? Do you mean me? 322 00:12:37,012 --> 00:12:38,164 And by "Don't worry," 323 00:12:38,164 --> 00:12:40,563 Do you mean the chick's gonna be doing the handy? 324 00:12:41,148 --> 00:12:43,826 And either way, can we do it without that thing? 325 00:12:44,336 --> 00:12:45,492 Hey, seriously. 326 00:12:46,483 --> 00:12:47,994 Give me a hanjo. 327 00:12:57,366 --> 00:12:59,535 It doesn't work. 328 00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:04,141 I drill hole in head of man who maybe is my son, 329 00:13:04,141 --> 00:13:11,372 put chip in his brain, and now you tell me it doesn't work. 330 00:13:11,372 --> 00:13:13,617 you should have asked me before, you... 331 00:13:13,617 --> 00:13:15,701 See, in testing we have had 332 00:13:15,701 --> 00:13:17,330 Teensy problem with signal from 333 00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,411 Satellite. 334 00:13:18,411 --> 00:13:20,788 When it is in small window, just 335 00:13:20,788 --> 00:13:22,855 Over the target, it can signal 336 00:13:22,855 --> 00:13:23,660 The chip. 337 00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:28,040 but when it exits this 338 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:28,930 Window... 339 00:13:30,114 --> 00:13:31,710 This problem does not 340 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,104 Sound teensy! 341 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,452 it is, compared to the 342 00:13:34,452 --> 00:13:36,784 Problem we had with interference 343 00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,074 From cellphones. 344 00:13:41,999 --> 00:13:43,652 ...Which, in lab, sent our 345 00:13:43,652 --> 00:13:45,078 Subjects into ferocious, 346 00:13:45,078 --> 00:13:46,716 Homicidal rages. 347 00:13:47,108 --> 00:13:49,505 So, obviously, we need to tweak it. 348 00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,822 Damn that crazy, jealous russian. 349 00:13:52,822 --> 00:13:53,998 Bet he's hatching some 350 00:13:53,998 --> 00:13:56,646 Half-assed, vodka-soaked scheme to -- 351 00:13:56,646 --> 00:13:58,013 Hello? Sterling? 352 00:13:58,013 --> 00:14:01,379 Sterling, listen very - ha! Voicemail. 353 00:14:01,379 --> 00:14:02,673 You know what to do. What? 354 00:14:02,673 --> 00:14:04,106 we're sorry... Damn it! 355 00:14:04,106 --> 00:14:06,401 Carol? Carol! 356 00:14:06,401 --> 00:14:08,485 And just where the hell is she?! 357 00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:11,260 krieger! Aah! 358 00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:14,027 Oh! Oh, god, sorry! 359 00:14:15,602 --> 00:14:17,626 Sorry. what are you doing?! 360 00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:19,680 I thought you said, "Start slacking off." 361 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,708 not "Slacking off"! 362 00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,674 Dude, swear to god, 363 00:14:24,674 --> 00:14:27,340 She gave me a jane hathaway, right on my chest! 364 00:14:27,979 --> 00:14:29,662 My man knows what I'm talkin' about! 365 00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,105 Doesn't anyone work around here?! 366 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,084 And, cyril, I am so disgusted 367 00:14:34,084 --> 00:14:36,593 With you right now, I just want to vomit. 368 00:14:38,566 --> 00:14:40,756 That's exactly what I said to lana. 369 00:14:44,038 --> 00:14:45,590 37? 370 00:14:45,590 --> 00:14:46,593 37? 371 00:14:46,593 --> 00:14:48,305 Ooh! C'est moi. 372 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,075 move. 373 00:14:53,054 --> 00:14:55,341 Just get it done by Friday. 374 00:15:13,152 --> 00:15:15,652 Oh, come on, sterling, pick up, pick -- 375 00:15:16,362 --> 00:15:17,501 Sterling? archer: Hello? 376 00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:18,826 Sterling, what's wrong? 377 00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:21,301 Are you -- alternate voicemail. 378 00:15:22,359 --> 00:15:23,640 You know what to do, stupid. 379 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,872 we're sorry, the number... malory: I'm done. 380 00:15:25,872 --> 00:15:27,246 He's dead to me. 381 00:15:28,621 --> 00:15:30,058 "Mother." 382 00:15:30,058 --> 00:15:31,588 Ubil...Mat. 383 00:15:32,418 --> 00:15:34,315 Kill...Mother. 384 00:15:39,168 --> 00:15:41,668 Oh, my god, I'm exhausted. 385 00:15:41,668 --> 00:15:43,870 Whereas I am merely confused. 386 00:15:43,870 --> 00:15:45,877 If you told every guy the same thing, 387 00:15:45,877 --> 00:15:48,369 then they all know that none of them had sex with you, 388 00:15:48,369 --> 00:15:50,809 so they're all gonna realize they're all lying. 389 00:15:50,809 --> 00:15:52,251 Hey, yeah. 390 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,404 Wait a minute. 391 00:15:53,404 --> 00:15:56,035 But, remember, they're s.S. 392 00:15:56,293 --> 00:15:59,385 what? brett: Um, I had sex with lana. 393 00:15:59,385 --> 00:16:00,366 me too. 394 00:16:00,651 --> 00:16:03,247 Lana kane, you magnificent bastard. 395 00:16:03,602 --> 00:16:06,065 I just hope cyril doesn't, like, snap. 396 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,122 cyril? Snap? 397 00:16:08,122 --> 00:16:10,325 Snap. P girl,lease... 398 00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,609 7...6...2... 399 00:16:13,609 --> 00:16:17,913 Millimeter...Full metal jacket. 400 00:16:17,913 --> 00:16:19,331 Someone's in here! 401 00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:21,704 Holy shit snacks! 402 00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:23,304 You made over 20 grand! 403 00:16:23,304 --> 00:16:25,010 Minus my 60 bucks. 404 00:16:25,010 --> 00:16:26,486 Plus cyril's broken heart. 405 00:16:26,532 --> 00:16:28,650 Not too shabs, pam. Are you kidding?! 406 00:16:28,650 --> 00:16:30,203 36 guys?! 407 00:16:30,203 --> 00:16:32,267 It's like "Schindler's list" Up in here! 408 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,974 pam! And I'm like that little 409 00:16:33,974 --> 00:16:36,880 Gandhi dude, helping out with the books, and the -- 410 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,478 Inappropriate analogies! 411 00:16:38,478 --> 00:16:40,853 What the hell is wrong with you?! 412 00:16:40,853 --> 00:16:42,711 nothing! 413 00:16:43,173 --> 00:16:45,920 I'm a desirable, full-bodied 414 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,785 Woman, but nobody will have sex with me! 415 00:16:48,785 --> 00:16:53,443 And I have so much love to give! 416 00:16:55,587 --> 00:16:57,299 Get on the desk. Really?! 417 00:16:57,299 --> 00:16:58,724 Yeah, come on, before I 418 00:16:58,724 --> 00:17:02,478 Change my mind, but you cannot say a word. 419 00:17:02,478 --> 00:17:04,022 I won't tell anybody! 420 00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:06,833 No, honey, I mean during, cause I'm gonna pretend 421 00:17:06,833 --> 00:17:08,162 You're alex karras. 422 00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,326 And that's your message? 423 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,040 My god, who... 424 00:17:18,229 --> 00:17:19,215 Who's there?! 425 00:17:19,215 --> 00:17:20,404 What do you want?! 426 00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:22,717 Because all you're gonna get is holes! 427 00:17:22,717 --> 00:17:25,628 I-I mean holes in you, not my... 428 00:17:27,096 --> 00:17:28,637 Sterling? 429 00:17:28,637 --> 00:17:29,780 Hello, mother. 430 00:17:29,780 --> 00:17:31,714 Where the hell have you been?! 431 00:17:31,714 --> 00:17:32,652 I don't know. 432 00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:35,160 Wh-- and why do you have a cleaver?! 433 00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:38,940 I don't know. 434 00:17:39,598 --> 00:17:41,916 Well, you're safe now... So get out. 435 00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:43,951 I'm hungry. So lick that coat! 436 00:17:43,951 --> 00:17:45,949 You smell like a -- grilled cheese. 437 00:17:45,949 --> 00:17:48,121 What? Grill me a cheese. 438 00:17:48,121 --> 00:17:50,280 I'm not grilling you a cheese! 439 00:17:54,176 --> 00:17:56,519 Oh, for god's sake. 440 00:17:57,404 --> 00:18:00,878 Waltz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, 441 00:18:00,878 --> 00:18:03,936 waving a cleaver and reeking of what I hope to god is meat, 442 00:18:03,936 --> 00:18:05,544 and that's all you have to say? 443 00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,612 I don't know. I was worried sick. 444 00:18:07,612 --> 00:18:11,189 Called you twice, came this close to leaving -- and why 445 00:18:11,189 --> 00:18:12,927 Doesn't your voicemail just say 446 00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:14,715 "Leave a message, I'm a jackass"? 447 00:18:14,715 --> 00:18:16,878 I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. 448 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,310 What is wrong with you? 449 00:18:18,310 --> 00:18:20,720 My head hurts! And I have no father! 450 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,067 Sterling, of course you have a father, just maybe 451 00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:25,335 Not the one you wanted. 452 00:18:25,335 --> 00:18:26,694 And you! Irnd me neither! 453 00:18:26,694 --> 00:18:28,373 Because even though that whole weekend 454 00:18:28,424 --> 00:18:30,278 is just a big jazzy blur, 455 00:18:30,278 --> 00:18:32,372 I'm pretty sure it wasn't buddy. 456 00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:34,223 all these years, you lied to me! 457 00:18:34,223 --> 00:18:37,090 I -- sterling, I was protecting you! 458 00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:39,017 From what, this sandwich?! 459 00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:40,184 This is swiss, mother! 460 00:18:40,184 --> 00:18:42,536 Because that's all i had, you ass! 461 00:18:42,536 --> 00:18:44,268 Just like I'm all that you have! 462 00:18:44,268 --> 00:18:46,293 Well, I hate it! And I hate you! 463 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:50,623 Sterling malory archer, you will eat every last 464 00:18:50,623 --> 00:18:52,829 Crumb of that sandwich. 465 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,392 No! malory: Then get out. 466 00:18:55,392 --> 00:18:56,674 I'll call you a cab. 467 00:18:57,748 --> 00:19:00,000 What? Sterling, stop that this instant! 468 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,130 Ubil mat! 469 00:19:01,317 --> 00:19:02,405 Kill mother. 470 00:19:04,841 --> 00:19:06,087 Kill mother! 471 00:19:06,709 --> 00:19:07,976 Police, police. 472 00:19:07,976 --> 00:19:09,120 Have to call the -- aah! 473 00:19:11,861 --> 00:19:14,978 I'm having a nightmare, and you lock me out of your bedroom?! 474 00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,657 Sterling, no! Stay back! 475 00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:19,105 Only this time, you'll be crying for help, and 476 00:19:19,105 --> 00:19:22,108 I'll be the one drinking and laughing in there with 477 00:19:22,108 --> 00:19:23,194 Uncle buddy! 478 00:19:23,194 --> 00:19:25,644 Sterling, I'm warning you! 479 00:19:26,778 --> 00:19:27,908 Sterling! 480 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:33,456 Sterling? 481 00:19:33,456 --> 00:19:35,380 sterling? 482 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:36,616 Sterling! 483 00:19:36,616 --> 00:19:38,333 What?! God! 484 00:19:39,524 --> 00:19:41,604 Well, whose fault is that? 485 00:19:41,604 --> 00:19:44,040 Waving a cleaver, screaming in russian? 486 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,511 I'm sorry. malory: Ass. 487 00:19:45,511 --> 00:19:48,023 Seriously, I don't know what's going on with my head. 488 00:19:48,086 --> 00:19:48,958 Filthy coat. 489 00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:51,353 Can't tell what's cow's blood and what's yours. 490 00:19:51,353 --> 00:19:53,530 The wet blood, mother, is mine! 491 00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,242 And it's ruining my brand-new linens! 492 00:19:55,242 --> 00:19:58,047 Sorry! malory: This is why I can't have nice things. 493 00:19:58,047 --> 00:19:59,572 Why, because you shoot them? 494 00:19:59,572 --> 00:20:00,691 Serves you right. 495 00:20:00,691 --> 00:20:01,964 You nearly scared me to death! 496 00:20:01,964 --> 00:20:03,904 Well, you obviously weren't that scared, 497 00:20:03,904 --> 00:20:05,355 judging by your grouping. 498 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:08,360 Hah! Guess the old gal's still got it. 499 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,635 All 6, right in the 10 ring. Hooray. 500 00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:14,534 Just like I taught you, without any help from... 501 00:20:14,534 --> 00:20:15,973 Whoever your father is. 502 00:20:15,973 --> 00:20:18,028 Yeah, you were always there for me, 503 00:20:18,028 --> 00:20:19,784 which I never really thank you for. 504 00:20:19,784 --> 00:20:22,154 Sterling, I don't need thanks. 505 00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,838 That's what makes me such a wonderful mother. 506 00:20:25,128 --> 00:20:27,032 Are you kidding? Don't be shitty! 507 00:20:27,284 --> 00:20:28,868 Can't we just enjoy the moment? 508 00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:30,726 Yeah, how could we not? 509 00:20:33,806 --> 00:20:34,849 Ass. 510 00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:44,850 Sync by YYeTs.net Transcript by Addic7ed.com