ARCHER: Ahhh... Oh man, is this great?
LANA: No Archer, it's... ARCHER: Was that a rhetorical question?
LANA: Archer... Archer! ARCHER: And also was that?
Answer, yes, they both were, because New Orleans is my kind of town,
and I haven't had a vacation in forever.
LANA Well, that's great but... ARCHER: Nola!
The Crescents City!
- The Big Easy... - Our mission is to stop an eco-terrorist
from blowing up the biggest natural gas pipeline in North America,
so I wouldn't exactly call it a vacation.
ARCHER: Well whatever, working vacation.
Cause I'm not too worried about some drum-circling hippie tree-hugger.
STEWARDESS: Sir, can you find your seat for me?
ARCHER: Yeah it's right there.
Can you go find some more hurricanes for me?
LANA: Hippies aren't the only people who care about the environment.
Like, I happen to care. A lot.
And so does our target Joshua Gray, aka Gandalf.
ARCHER: His name's Gandalf? And he's not a hippie?
LANA: Gray's an ex-Green Beret, and he's attacked nuclear power plants
hydro-electric dams, wailing ships...
Wailing ships? What? He's against clean-burning lamp oil?
Would you relax?
We know he's gonna try to attack the pipeline, and we know where the pipeline is...
LANA: Yeah, running through a couple hundred miles of marshy wetlands.
ARCHER: So mobility will be key, Lana.
And how will we achieve mobility? Huh?
ARCHER: An airboat, Lana!
Just like Burt Reynolds in "White Lightning"!
LANA: Great, just... ARCHER: Not to mention "Gator"!
Which, even though it's the sequel, I think is actually the stronger of the two films.
LANA: Just try to keep a low profile.
We could scare off Gray if we don't maintain the element of surprise.
ARCHER: Hey here's a surprise:
this is Hermès.
Ooh, and here's another one.
Remember Jerry Reed's character in Gator? LANA: No.
ARCHER: Bama McCall?
LANA: No.
ARCHER: Well whatever, check this out. I stuh...
borrowed it from Woodhouse.
LANA: Archer, what the shit?!
ARCHER: Right? It's just like in Gator... SKY MARSHAL: Gun! Gun!
Drop it, drop it!
ARCHER: You drop it!
Lana, hijacking!
LANA: Dammit, it's not a...
ARCHER: Oh great, there better be more of those!
SKY MARSHAL: Sky marshal! Drop your weapon!
ARCHER: Oh! Okay relax, it's okay, we're... LANA: Dut dut dut dut dut!
ARCHER: Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS, and we're on a mission to stop
an eco-terrorist from blowing up a gas pipeline!
So for the love of God, woman, go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes!
LANA: Great.
Way to keep a low profile.
Thanks.
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
BACKUS: This is the AmPetCo gas pipeline... Runs right underneath these
swamps, supplyin' almost twenty percent of America's liquid natural gas demand.
ARCHER: Right... BACKUS: But there's a pig launcher here...
ARCHER: Is that what it sounds like?
BACKUS: It's a pipe inspection gauge, for cleaning the pipeline.
It's the only section above ground, so if Gray wants to attack our pipeline...
LANA: He'll have to do it there.
So we'll set up a defensive perimeter at the launcher,
and catch him when he tries.
ARCHER: Well wait, hang on a second... Can I get the oyster
po'boy and just like, a side of crawfish étouffee?
Cause I'm not sure if I'll like it.
LANA: Archer.
ARCHER: No? Just an entree? Okay.
Oh, so the po'boy...Hello?
ARCHER: Wow, speaking of disastrous... LANA: Speaking of shut up,
think about what will happen to those fragile wetlands if that
pipeline explodes!
BACKUS: Screw the damn swamps, think what'll happen to AmPetCo's profit margin!
LANA: What? MALORY: Big money.
Huge tax credits from that hippie Democrat congress,
just for making a few simple changes around here.
CYRIL: Well, a lot of these aren't so simple.
Replacing all the lights with high efficiency fluorescents,
putting lowflow fixtures on all the plumbing...
PAM: Recycling old batteries?!
MALORY: Exactly, don't we do that already?
PAM: Umm...
Prrretty much... MALORY: Good.
Because I'm not leaving money on the table.
So to get these freebie socialist tax credits, we are going to make this place
lean and green.
LANA: Typical corporate bullshit Thirty acres of wetlands disappear every day,
but all you care about is how much natural gas you can pump out!
BACKUS: Hey, we're just supplying a demand.
LANA: Yeah, AmPetCo's demand for huge profits!
BACKUS: Well, some of those huge profits are paying ISIS to
protect that pipeline... LANA: Which I'm only doing for the wetlands...
BACKUS: Wetlands, profits, whatever... ARCHER: Yeah, sounds like a win-win...
BACKUS: Just get out there and do your job!
LANA: Yeah I will!
If you will excuse me!
ARCHER: I should go with her.
I don't think room service is coming.
REMY: Shoulda called first... Cause dat's the only airboat
around for fifty miles, and it's reserved.
ARCHER: What do you mean it's reserved?
REMY: Is dat not self-explanatory?
LANA: Look, this is kind of an emergency.
- Can we work something out? - Maybe.
Maybe use that money to buy a time machine,
go back in time, and be the first person
to reserve dat boat.
ARCHER: You sure about that?
REMY: Yup. ARCHER: Good.
Cause I've waited my entire life to say this exact phrase...
I'm commandeering this airboat.
LANA: Sorry!
It really is an emergency!
ARCHER: Of an awesome and asskicky nature.
REMY: And some damn guard dog you is!
Annie! Annie?
Aw, well that's just great.
Now both my dogs is dead!
CHERYL/CAROL: Stupid efficient Canadian lightbulbs.
I can barely even see what I'm doing.
PAM: What arya doin?
CHERYL/CAROL: I need six more of these.
PAM: Why do you need seven?
CHERYL/CAROL: One for each cat, duh!
CYRIL: For God's sake, Pam!
Have you no sense of decency?!
That bathroom's like a, a war crime!
PAM: Don't blame me, it's those new lowflow toilets!
With the old ones you could flush a dachsund puppy!
I mean, not that you would, but CYRIL: Well next time use the...
CHERYL/CAROL: Dut dut dut dut!
CYRIL: Women's restroom!
PAM: The what?
CHERYL/CAROL: Thanks, Cyril.
ARCHER: Woooo! Seriously Lana, this must be what it's like to have sex with me!
LANA: How can an airboat be selfish?
ARCHER: Nope! Can't hear you, I'm too happy!
LANA: You can't hear me because you're redlining the engine!
ARCHER: Thank you, certified airboat mechanic!
Now where's the pig launcher thing?
LANA: This heading, one mile!
But I'm serious, if you don't slow down... ARCHER: I'll keep feeling this
incredibly vibrant and alive!
LANA: Yeah, right up until you blow the damn engine, so...
Lana!
I am not... gonna blow...
Try clearing your throat about a jillion more times, Lana, see if that helps.
No?
Nothing?
ARCHER: No no, by all means, let me do it...
You just sit there like the African Queen.
LANA: The African Queen was the boat.
ARCHER: What? No it wasn't, it was Audrey... LANA: Katherine.
ARCHER: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
LANA: Of Africa.
ARCHER: Yeah.
LANA: The white queen of Africa.
ARCHER: Yeah, back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race
thing... Like, Amos and Andy were white, a white guy played Charlie Chan...
LANA: Archer... ARCHER: Pretty sure Tonto was a Jew... LANA: Stop!
ARCHER: What? ! Gator?!
Gator? LANA: Talking!
But I wish there was a gator!
ARCHER: Hey c'mon, not even as a joke.
LANA: It so wasn't. ARCHER: Look, I said I was sorry!
LANA: Tell all this wildlife you're sorry when the pipeline
blows up because we're not there to protect it!
ARCHER: A, all this wildlife can suck it!
Every thing out here either wants to eat me or give me malaria!
And B...
No thanks to you, Queen Audrey.
LANA: Would you, just...
Okay, let's set up a defensive perimeter.
ARCHER: Yeah, right after I set up the grill.
LANA: Dammit Archer, will you... ARCHER: Hey! I just dragged this
damn boat through a mile of my three biggest fears,
so I think I've earned a kabob!
MALORY: Well, too bad!
Your lab uses more electricity than the rest of ISIS put together.
KRIEGER: Yes, and I need every single watt!
- No! - But, but I need...
We all have to pitch in to make ISIS green.
Loot at me, chopping ice for a Tom Collins
like a field hand.
KRIEGER: But... MALORY: Ooh, or do I want a mint julep?
KRIEGER: But the slightest reduction of power to my lab
could put lives at risk!
MALORY: Lives of what, a few lab rats?
KRIEGER: Also, yes.
LANA: Yeah, good, great idea... Do the one thing that
could possibly make it hotter.
ARCHER: Ya gotta sear 'em first, it locks in the flavor.
And if you're hot, and also somewhat bitchy, drink a beer.
LANA: I don't want a beer, I want water.
ARCHER: Your funeral.
God knows what kinda parasites are swimming around in it.
LANA: Not swamp water, ass, bottled!
Oh you are shitting me... ARCHER: I know, right?
A rainbow should shoot out every time you open it.
LANA: You didn't bring any water?!
ARCHER: Where would I have put it?
LANA: Great, I'll just wait half an hour for a cup of ice to melt.
ARCHER: Dut dut dut dutm dut. LANA: Oww, shit!
LANA: What the [BEEP] shit is this?
ARCHER: No, no, no, Lana. It's dry ice!
Hurry, put your hands in the swamp!
LANA: Rrrgh!
ARCHER: How ya doin, buddy?
Because dry ice is something crazy like, negative a hundred degrees...
LANA: I need you, to not talk to me.
ARCHER: I know, and I know you're in a lot of pain, so just try to relax...
LA: Why are you still talk... ow!
ARCHER: And say hi to Sister Morphine.
LANA: Morphine?!
Dammit, I don't... need... That actually feels waaaay better.
ARCHER: Yeah? LANA: Yeahhhh...
That actually feels better.
ARCHER: Good, then get up. You're sitting on the beer.
Alright, so wait a second.
LANA: What're your three biggest fears?
ARCHER: Nope.
LANA: C'mon... ARCHER: No, hush, I'm trying to fish.
LANA: No, don't shoot the fish.
C'mon, this is a very fragile ecosystem.
ARCHER: Too fragile to spare one trout?
LANA: No, but... ARCHER: Or bass or whatever, what's in here?
LANA: Nothing soon, if people like you keep destroying the environment.
ARCHER: Wh-?! It's one lousy fish!
LANA: One lousy black rhino, one lousy Bengal tiger...
ARCHER: One lousy Lorax!
Since when are you such a radical environmentalist?
LANA: I'm not radical.
Well, I mean not anymore.
Back in the day, though...
HIPPIES: Fur is murder!
Fur is murder!
LANA: How's it feel to be a murderer?!
MALORY: Shall we find out?
LANA: Lady, you don't scare me... MALORY Dear, this is a forty-four magnum.
You're really not scared, are you? LANA: Newp.
MALORY: Then how would you like a job?
LANA: Three weeks later I was in Tunisia, killing a different man...
And how and why is that funny?
ARCHER: Not that, I forgot about that afro.
LANA: Hey, ya know what?
ARCHER: I know you looked like Angela Davis had a lovechild
with Sweet Lou Dunbar.
LANA: Shut up... ARCHER: You shut up, I'm trying to catch us some dinner.
LANA: Well, if you'd brought enough food... ARCHER: I wouldn't have had room
for beer, and I since I can't catch beer... LANA: Or a fish.
ARCHER: Yes I can.
Burt Reynolds is my spirit-guide.
LANA: Did you say man-crush?
ARCHER: No, I'm pretty sure it was shut up.
LANA: What're your three biggest fears?
ARCHER: Getting stuck on a boat with you three times.
Ooh, here we go.
C'mere fishy, fishy.
And while you eat humble pie with a side of crow, Lana I'll be dining on trout.
LANA: Waaaaagh!
What the hell is that?!
ARCHER: What the hell does it look like?!
LANA: Shoot it! Shoot it!
ARCHER Oh, so now it's okay?!
What happened to your fragile ecosystem?!
LANA: Screw the damn ecosystem, shoot!
ARCHER: You are such a hypocrite!
I bet you probably eat veal!
Did you see that?!
And hear that, what is that, what's that sound?
LANA: Oh you are shitting me... How did you shoot the boat?!
ARCHER: Because I was bucking around like a rodeo clown in a barrel!
LANA: Well did you hit the gator?!
ARCHER: I dunno!
I mean, maybe... LANA: Great, so maybe he's wounded.
ARCHER: No, he's definitely wounded.
LANA: Oh right, I forgot he has an arrow, sticking out of his head!
ARCHER: Yeah I think that's what enraged him.
LANA: And so now all twenty enraged feet of him is swimming around out there...
ARCHER: In that inky black water... LANA: Into which we are currently sinking.
ARCHER: Yeah, it's not ideal.
I mean, even if we had more shells, LANA: You only brought two shells?!
ARCHER: No, I brought shitloads, thank you!
LANA: Well where are they?!
ARCHER: In the gear bags... With your guns. And everything else.
Still got the cooler though, so...
Thank God for small miracles, huh?
Lana. Lana.
Lanaaaa!
LANA: What?!
ARCHER: I said thank God for small miracles.
LANA: I heard you.
ARCHER: I know.
LANA: Yeah, why dontcha have another one?
ARCHER: Well, somebody's got to.
And since you refuse to help... LANA: You don't need help to get drunk!
CHER: Oh please, it takes more than some three-two... Or, wow,
six percent beer to get Sterling Archer drunk.
Six, really?
LANA: Yeah, so lay off!
There's a giant wounded alligator out there, not to mention a dangerous
eco-terrorist... ARCHER: Holy shit, totally forgot about him.
LANA: I didn't... ARCHER: But that's even more reason for you to get on board
with my new plan!
LANA: Is it as idiotic as your other plan?
ARCHER: That's how brainstorming works, Lana!
It's free-form, you come up with a lot of ideas... LANA: Yeah, like using the
pipeline to set the entire swamp on fire.
ARCHER: Which, yes, bad idea, but it got me thinking about chemical reactions!
LANA: Like alcohol's effect on the brain?
ARCHER: No, like the reaction between solid carbon dioxide,
also known as dry ice, of which we have plenty...
And a fun, sexy little molecule I like to call di-hydrogen monoxide.
- Water? - Water.
Combine them in a sealed container
- and you've got yourself... - Some kind of dry ice bomb?
Arrgh, yes, ruiner of explanations.
I was building to that, but yes.
Well, we got plenty of water.
No, the swamp's too dirty,
it's full of whatever alligators shit out
- which I can only assume it's people. - They don't eat people.
- They eat people all the time. - They don't.
Last year, Sarasoni County Florida, Chett Willer, age 16,
swimming in the Oak River Canal,
killed by an 11 footer.
Two years ago, *** County, Georgia,
Ruth Baker, age 39,
killed in her back yard by a 10 footer.
Same year, Pinellas County Florida, Walter Jakes, age 70, and his dog,
killed by a 12-footer.
Three years ago, Dade County... LANA: Archer!
ARCHER: What?!
LANA: What are your three biggest fears? Archer?
ARCHER: Alligators, by far the biggest.
LANA: And so... you've memorized every fatal alligator attack?
ARCHER: Just in the U.S., I can't find any information on tacks in China.
They only live here and China.
Two different species.
Chinese alligators are smaller, but their bellies are
fully-armored so it kind of equals out and... Can we change the subject?!
LANA: Okay, what's your second biggest fear?
ARCHER: God, will ya just... it's crocodiles!
LANA: Wait, do crocodiles even live here?
ARCHER: Not here-here, but in the Everglades.
LANA: That's like, a thousand miles away.
ARCHER: Well, three years ago they caught a 9-foot croc in the surf at
Myrtle Beach so, ya know... shit happens.
LANA: Wow.
Not sure I even wanna know what your third-biggest fear is...
ARCHER: Brain aneurysm. - What?
LANA: What does a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?!
ARCHER: Nothing, it can happen anywhere. At any time.
That's why it's terrifying.
LANA: Oh my God... okay, okay, so if the gator-poop water is too dirty...
ARCHER: Yeah, we need distilled water.
LANA: Does your plan include finding some?
ARCHER: Yes. But.
LANA: But what.
ARCHER: You're not gonna like it.
LANA: Do we have to distill our pee?
ARCHER: I guess you can if you want.
But I was just gonna use this... LANA: There was bottled water
in there the whole time?!
ARCHER: Yeah, I just forgot.
LANA: You forgot.
Thanks, idiot!
ARCHER: What, you still would've burned your hands reaching in here! Idiot!
LANA: I hope an alligator attacks you at the exact second
you have a brain aneurysm.
ARCHER: How could you even say that?!
That's like me saying I hope you get cancer!
LANA: What the hell is wrong with you?!
ARCHER: I obviously don't!
But holy shit, Lana... I pour my heart out, and you just throw it right back in my face?
LANA: Sorry. ARCHER: Well, you should be.
That's... wait, okay, what's your biggest fear?
LANA: Newp. ARCHER: Come on, I told you mine!
LANA: I know. You lose.
ARCHER: I think your biggest fear is intimacy... LANA: Ha.
ARCHER: When what you should be afraid of is falling in love
with me again because of my awesomeness.
Check this out.
LANA: Wait, how do you light it?
ARCHER: You don't, the pressure just builds up until it explodes.
LANA: How long does that take?
ARCHER: Depends on how much water you add, we're gonna need to dial it in.
LANA: So you have no idea when that's gonna go off.
ARCHER: How could I?
Aw, shit!
LANA: Asshole. ARCHER: Did it getcha?
LANA: No! ARCHER: Me neither.
Wow, again, small... LANA: Don't!
ARCHER: Miracles. LANA: Rrgh!
ARCHER: How long was that?
LANA: Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to time it!
ARCHER: It's okay, I forgot to measure it.
So we're both gonna need to do better.
MALORY: Every single one!
To hell with the tax credits, I want every last one of those
low-flow toilets out!
Dump them on the street with those ridiculous light bulbs.
PAM: Why do I have to carry the toilets?
MALORY: You know why.
CYRIL: Because of the things that come out of your body.
MALORY: Oh shut up.
Mister Bigmouth, telling her we have a women's bathroom.
Where I better never catch you again!
PAM: Okay!
Jeez, hostile work environment.
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, so everything's back to normal.
KRIEGER: Is it?!
KRIEGER: I told you lives were at risk!
Now behold the horror you have wrought!
And Pam? If you're dumping stuff on the street?
This can all go.
PAM: What is it? KRIEGER: Shattered dreams.
CHERYL/CAROL: Smells like rotten meat.
KRIEGER: Also, yes.
ARCHER: Yeah, there we go!
Okay, I think we've got the recipe figured out!
LANA: Yeah, that was actually pretty great.
- Duh! - Shut up! - You shut up!
ARCHER: Okay, I'll get dry ice in the rest of the bottles,
you be ready with the water, and we'll wait for that big fat
stupid gator to come back.
GRAY: Destroying his habitat isn't enough?
What?
I would've been here sooner, but you stole my boat.
Do you not understand how reservations work, or...?
ARCHER: Reserve this, Treebeard!
LANA: Oh please, it's not even loaded.
ARCHER: Wh-? Thanks Lana. LANA: Shut up.
LANA: Hi, Josh. GRAY: Hello, Lana.
ARCHER: You know each other?!
LANA: Josh was my Environmental Policy T.A. When I was in college.
GRAY: And her lover...
LANA: Also, yes.
ARCHER: Wait, I thought he was a Green Beret!
GRAY: I went to grad school on the G.I. bill.
And that's when I realized I had to lead the fight against
the systematic rape of Mother Nature.
LANA: But back then you just organized peaceful protests...
GRAY: Like that day at the fur store where you disappeared without a trace.
LANA: I guess I kinda... found my calling.
GRAY: What, as a hired gun for the military- industrial complex?
A traitor to the cause of environmental protection?
LANA: Me? ! What about you?!
Always running around, blowing shit up... ARCHER: Threatening our supply
of lamp oil... LANA: Shut up, but Josh seriously,
do you really think the ends justify such violent means?
GRAY: Yes!
Because this is a war!
And victory will only come when Americans will stop destroying the Earth
just so they can drive
bigger cars, build bigger houses, and eat bigger food!
LANA: So like, never. GRAY: Yeah.
Oh my God, that's depressing... LANA: Sorry.
And I'm also sorry we can't let you blow up this pipeline.
GRAY: I wasn't going to.
LANA: Well then why... GRAY: I mean I was, but I saw you with this idiot,
yelling on the plane about working for ISIS.
ARCHER: So technically I saved the pipeline!
GRAY: Yeah, you're the best.
ARCHER Whatever, I win.
Suck it, Samwise.
LANA: Archer... GRAY: So, you need a lift back to land?
- Yeah, lemme just grab my cooler and... - Not you! Ass.
Lana? Maybe we can grab dinner, see some Dixieland jazz?
LANA: That sounds lovely.
ARCHER: Oh c'mon, are you kidding me?!
You're really gonna leave me out here?!
LANA: Yup!
GRAY: I like your new hairdo, by the way.
LANA: Well if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...
ARCHER: Well that's just great.
She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid, and I get mosquitos and no beer
and not laid.
How could this get any w...
Lemme finish, worse?
Now, okay see, you ruined it.
You ruined the moment.