[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
ARCHER: And so here's what I propose:
We finish these, get some roadies, head back to my huge penthouse...
...drink chilled champagne served by my valet...
Isn't it pronounced "valet"?
Only if he's parking your car.
Then we slip into my new hot tub and see where the evening takes us.
Well, I have to wait until my friend comes back from the powder room.
Obviously we're gonna wait for her. She's the hot one.
[GASPS]
Pig!
[CHUCKLING]
Uh, I'm sorry, is something funny?
Just that last part, where she slapped you.
Yeah? You like physical humor?
[GRUNTING]
Depends on the situation. Ow.
You okay? No, I'm not o... Oh, my God.
You're Burt Reynolds. Yes, I am.
And if I let you up, are you gonna do anything stupid?
No, no, I'm not.
Hi, Sterling Archer. Sterling Archer?
Yeah, you heard of me? Right? Well, just from your...
Press clippings. Hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Calling yourself that can't help. Hang on, true story. Operation C.I.A.?
That movie's basically why I became a secret agent in the first place.
Really? Yes.
That movie was just god-awful.
What's awful is I almost punched you. Heh, heh. No, you didn't.
I've seen all your other movies like five times.
Sam Whiskey, Navajo Joe, Fuzz, Hooper, Shamus, Shark, The Longest Yard...
...Deliverance, the Smokeys, White Lightning, obviously Gator.
Oh, I even saw At Long Last Love.
Yeah, yeah. Well... I thought you were great.
Really? I mean...
Well, I wanted to. Me too.
Listen, I kind of have a date.
No, no, no, Mr. Reynolds, wait.
Sorry. Let me buy you a drink. I wanna tell you my idea for a Gator sequel.
Gator was a sequel. I know.
And this will be the final chapter in the McKlusky trilogy.
Trilogy? Huh. Yeah, with twice as many airboats as Gator.
Twice as many would be none. What? Gator had...
Speedboats, not airboats.
Really? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. I directed it.
Okay, but this one has airboats, and they're central to the plot.
It sounds great, kid, but like I said, I kind of have a date...
I get it. You gonna take her upstairs and give her The Longest Yard?
Uh, heh... WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!
Mother? What are you doing here?
What are you doing here? I'm kicking it with...
Burt? Oh, no. No. Yeah. Yeah.
Remember how I said I kind of have a date? Oh...
It's kind of with your mom. Oh, Burt Reynolds.
[THUD]
I hope that's not gonna be a problem.
MALORY: Oh, please!
Burt Reynolds didn't give you a black eye, the floor did.
When you fainted like a schoolgirl.
It was an involuntary reaction, Mother...
...to seeing you all tarted up to meet my hero in a hotel bar for sex.
Oh, for... We were meeting for drinks. I mean, obviously sex was implied, but...
Ugh! And since when is he your hero?
Since always!
[SINGING] Eastbound and down
I thought that was Richard Petty. Which doesn't even merit a response.
And you cannot date Burt Reynolds. Can, am, and will continue to do so.
I'm serious, I will do something drastic.
You will not. Mainly because you've got bigger things to worry about.
I'll be the judge of... A Cuban hit squad is in New York to kill me?
Apparently. This intel's a week old.
Why are you just telling me about it now? Because.
Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
ARCHER [ON RECORDING]: Hello? Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
Voicemail. You know what to do. Oh, for God's sake.
ARCHER: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on. Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
Hold on, hold on! Hang on. Pick up, Sterling.
[VASE SMASHES AND CAT MEOWS]
I got it.
Sterling? Don't hang up!
[PANS CLATTER THEN ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
ARCHER: Hello? Sterling, it's...
Elaborate voicemail hoax.
Leave it.
[GRUNTING]
And then I just forgot about it, because that same night, I met...
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
CHERYL [OVER INTERCOM]: Burt Reynolds is on line one!
Oh... For you, for some reason.
Burt, dear, what a lovely surprise.
BURT: I'm sitting here with just a mustache and memories of last night.
Oh, Burt. Ugh!
Also a blanket. The AC in my room's stuck on freeze.
Deliverance, Gator, and this is him in Cosmo.
How totally hot is he?!
I swear to God, you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I mean, not that you would, but...
Hey! ARCHER: Shut up!
You're not my supervisor!
Wait, who is my supervisor?
MALORY: Carol! Oh, right.
Go get my gray fox out of cold storage.
Burt Reynolds is taking me to a movie premiere tonight, so...
Help me, God, if you throw that computer on the floor again...
...you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name!
That's actually kind of scary. Eh.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Archer, hey, about this expense report... Not now, Cyril.
Mother is ruining what remains of my life before a Cuban hit squad assassinates me, so...
[WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH]
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, laugh it up, Lana. I am.
You almost got shot in the face.
Get off. You get off.
Cyril, I'm pretty tense right now.
Because of the Cubans or because Burt Reynolds is doing your mom?
[CHUCKLING]
Yeah, laugh it up. I am.
Cyril... Burt Reynolds is actually banging...
Ow! Unh. Archer!
You broke my freaking nose! What's that?
Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of "I broke your nose."
Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.
He's not doing that!
But even if he is, which he is... No, he isn't!
- This Cuban hit squad is no joke. If I were you, I'd lay low in the safe house...
...for a few days until we work out a plan to neutralize them.
Oh. Yeah, okay. The safe house.
I'm sorry, your words made sense, but your sarcastic tone did not.
Because there are no Cubans. Uh...
Mother just wants me out of the way...
...so she can do unspeakable things with Burt Reynolds.
So nice try, idiot.
I love it that I'm the idiot.
MALORY: So unless the building is literally on fire, none of you are to call me.
Because, as I may have mentioned... Fifty times.
- Tonight I will be attending a movie premiere with Burt Reynolds.
Oh, my God, that totally reminds me. This came for you. From him.
And you opened it?
That's how I knew it was from him. Give me that.
"Dear Malory, it's been..."
[GASPS THEN SOBS]
"Dear Malory, it's been real, but I'm dumping you for a young starlet...
...and heading back to Tinseltown.
Do not contact me. Regards, Burt Reynolds."
MALORY: "Regards"? They weren't even warmest!
Wait a minute. Who calls it Tinseltown? Carol Channing?
Or somebody who just thinks that's what movie stars call Hollywood.
Stockard Channing.
Archer. His mother, dating his man-crush?
I bet Archer kidnapped him. How?
Archer goes to Burt's hotel room.
Archer? Burt.
LANA: Knocks him out... CHERYL: Archer knocks out Burt Reynolds?
LANA: With gas. Oh, shit.
And then hides him somewhere, like an idiot kid hiding a lamp he broke.
You really think he'd do that? ARCHER: Yes, really.
I'm serious. If you ever go near my mother again...
...I will do something really bad.
Then you should probably just get it over with.
Don't worry, I... Wait, what?
Because if you don't kill me and I get loose...
...you're gonna wish you were in hell with your back broke.
I don't have a response to that.
They never do.
[LAUGHING]
MALORY: It's my own fault. I should've known.
They tell you they love you and then they just cast you aside...
...when some young starlet catches their eye with her perky little boobs!
Mm. I bet they were perky and big. Jeez...! Ow!
Why are you torturing her like that?
Why are you asking rhetorical questions?
[MALORY SOBBING]
Aw. That's actually kind of sad. All right, here's the plan.
I say we go rescue Burt Reynolds, and as a bonus...
...beat some sense into Archer's head and ass.
Yeah! Right in the head and ass.
So, Pam, Carol, stay here with Malory. Everybody else, let's go to Archer's.
He's got a Cuban hit squad after him. Why wouldn't he go to the safe house?
A, because he thinks they're imaginary, and B, the safe house doesn't have a...
New hot tub! Fifty jets, hand-hewn California redwood, no big deal.
The California redwood is endangered.
So? I already got my tub.
Woodhouse, Burt Reynolds. Burt, Woodhouse.
Hi. Loved you in Gone with the Wind.
Not him. Shut up, get him a drink.
What's your poison?
Pimm's Cup. Odd choice.
Well, the whole thing's pretty odd.
What's odd is you wanting to date my mother.
Why is that odd? Because you're you, and she's...
Beautiful, smart, funny, successful. Mm. Like, one of those, tops.
Not to mention drop-dead sexy. Oh, dear God, yes.
Woodhouse! I shall fetch a cucumber.
You have to not date my mother. Can't do it.
Can't or...? Won't, whatever. Pick one.
Then here's what's gonna happen. You'll drink your Pimm's Cup...
Which is exciting. Never had one. Mm-hm. Then I'm gonna knock you out.
You'll wake up in a mental hospital with total amnesia, under someone else's name.
Now that's an idea for a movie. Yeah, I think it already was.
I wasn't in it. Maybe not...
Fade in: A mental ward. White walls, white sheets...
...nurses in crisp white uniforms...
...broken men shuffle like zombies.
We see a hospital wristband on a man's arm, John Doe.
And we slowly tilt up to see a man's face: Gator McKlusky.
[GASPS]
And he's looking out the window, the afternoon sun on his face.
A spark of recognition in his eyes. Know what he's looking at?
No. The Okefenokee Swamp.
There's a mental hospital there?
Right on the water. And guess what's tied up out there at the dock.
An airboat! And the head nurse falls in love with him...
...and finds out who he really is, so she helps him escape.
And they get chased by dirty cops, but in the end they win!
And you just got a screenplay credit.
For real? Yeah, maybe even...
Your Pimm's Cup, sir.
Doesn't it come in a silver chalice?
Uh, that would be a pimp cup, sir.
Oh.
I hate to sound Hollywood, but could you put my Pimm's Cup in a...?
Pimp cup? Certainly.
It would be an honor, Mr. Gable.
ARCHER: Maybe even what? Executive producer.
Executive producer?! But I'm not...
...falling for that, you big liar.
You're not gonna make that movie. Oh, I absolutely am.
And once your ISIS buddies find out that you kidnapped me and come find me...
...I'm gonna give them all an EP credit.
No, you're not. So drink your stupid Pimm's Cup...
Yeah, where are we with the chalice?
- Because nobody is coming for you, Burt.
And especially nobody from ISIS. LANA: Okay.
Don't take this the wrong way...
...but I'm kind of wondering how you're gonna be an effective field agent.
Interesting, coming from a woman.
Excuse me? Burn.
MAN: Eh?
[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for affirmative action, but...
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all...
Hey, guys? LANA: Zip it, nerds!
I was twice the agent you were when your legs worked, so don't hand me that...
Shit! What the...?
Duck!
Aah! And this conversation isn't over!
Isn't it?!
No, no, no! My brand-new van!
Holy shit! Lana! Hang on!
Cuban hit squad! I gotta go!
Would you go?! I can't yet!
And now I... Sorry. Now I do actually see your point.
CYRIL: Krieger, go!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Damn, Krieger can't outrun anything with all that handicapped shit.
I gotta go after them, but this conversation is not over.
You'll never catch them.
Yes, I will! No, you won't. I've seen you drive.
Heh, heh. You drive like an egg.
You think you can outdrive me?
And I'll bet on it. Go on.
If I don't catch them, I will just ride off into the sunset.
Where they don't have telephones to ever call my mother again ever?
On my word. And if I do catch them...
You keep dating my mother, yeah, got it.
And since we've wasted a shitload of time already, I feel pretty good about this bet.
So let's do this!
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
You're kidding me. It drives me nuts.
It's like the world's slowest elevator.
This is like the world's slowest van!
It's all this handicapped shit!
Jesus, God, I get your point!
You should get a Bat-Pole.
Nine thousand bucks. What?
Lowest quote I got. That's ridiculous.
For just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is.
But the co-op board was like, "But what'll we do with the garbage?"
Yeah, but you could still throw it down the... Whatever, the same shaft.
I know. And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
If you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.
And you were gonna pay for it yourself, no assessment or anything.
Yep.
Ridiculous. Preaching to the choir, buddy.
[SIGHS]
That's not your car, is it? Yeah, why?
Nothing, just didn't know they sold those to men.
Yeah, laugh it up, Burt. I am.
[LAUGHING]
[ARCHER SCREAMING]
Heh, heh, heh. Burt, it's too fast! You're going too fast!
No such thing. Yes, such thing. Slow down.
BURT: Don't you wanna help your friends? ARCHER: I don't care about them.
You do. You just pretend you don't because you're afraid of...
[LINE RINGING]
Dying in this freaking car!
BURT: Emotional intimacy.
Oh, my God, you...
LANA [OVER PHONE]: You are such an asshole!
Lana! Lana, we're coming to help. Where are you?
Heading north on the FDR at 60th. Getting shot at by your damn Cubans.
Which is totally not cool!
Great. Now tell her to keep going north.
Doesn't matter, we can't catch them. We're all the way acr... Oh, shit!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
We'll catch them. I know a shortcut.
What...? How? I did a TV series here called Hawk.
I forgot about Hawk!
He was part Indian. Right!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Whoa. Now it's officially a chase. Hooray!
BURT: You know what your problem is? ARCHER: My pants are wet?
You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person.
She has hopes and dreams and fears and needs.
Don't make it weirder.
Not sexual needs... Well, maybe those too.
- But personal, professional, all that stuff that makes a person who they are.
And until you... Oops. Hang on. What...?
Holy shit! Burt Reynolds!
Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.
[THUD AND ARCHER YELLS]
How about now? It's gone. I'm all ears.
Good, because my point is...
Oh, wait, wait. You're gonna wanna see this.
See wh...? No!
Burt, no!
[CHUCKLING]
Please, don't do this.
Oh, shit!
My pants are now literally wet.
And my point is, until you can look at your mother...
...and see her not just as your mother...
...but as a person, a real person, you can't grow up.
Huh. Food for thought.
And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that...
...because I plan to be seeing a lot of her.
Oh, uh... By "a lot of her," I mean... I get it.
But I guess you're out of luck, because we had a...
...bet. Goddamn it.
Now what do you say we have some fun?
Whatever.
[GUNSHOTS]
Oh, my God, not the van.
Will you please drive straight?!
No, serpentine, serpentine!
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, hello. Hello.
[GIGGLING]
Holy shit! It's Burt Reynolds!
[BURT SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Now watch what I do right here. Yeah, duh, I only invented it.
Oh, well, nice to meet you, Hal Needham. Whatever.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[ASSASSINS SCREAMING]
Ha, ha, ha. That was actually pretty sweet.
Oh, looks like we're in danger of a frown turning upside-down.
Cut it out, that tickles.
Heh, heh, heh. Burt, come on.
[LAUGHING]
Cut it out.
Burt, watch the goddamn road. Oh, shit.
Sorry about that.
You should be. That was totally irresponsible.
[GUNS COCK]
[SCREAMING]
Kick-ass! Stupid villains!
Wait, was that the same footage?
[BURT CHUCKLES]
LANA: Thanks, Burt! Anytime, darling.
But you probably wanna go ahead and slow down.
LANA: Oh, shit!
Krieger, brakes! KRIEGER: I am!
They're not doing anything! We're gonna die!
A round must have cut the brake line! That's okay, I got it.
What do you mean you g...? Oh, shit!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Um...
Unh! Hang on, everybody.
[SCREAMING]
[CHUCKLING]
Everybody okay?
I'm okay. I may need a doctor.
Okay?! No, we're not okay!
Look at Vanispheres!
No, we okay.
Don't you touch me!
Uh... Is that a ghost? No, no, it's... Never mind.
We're good. Thank you, Burt.
Oh, no, don't thank me, thank, uh...
Uh, you... Right, right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think we can still make that movie premiere.
Ah! You're taking me to the premiere?
Leave me for some hot little 20-year-old?
Well, I'll show him. I'll go find me a 10-year-old!
Ew! Yeah, I don't think you wanna do that.
Shut up. Okay. Taxi!
[ALL GASP]
You! Malory, wait, I can...
Save it! Nobody wants your... Mother, Burt...
...mustache rides around here, buster!
Oh! Oh, my God. Listen, Burt didn't write the note. I did.
You what? I know, I'm sorry, I...
Ow. Ow. Ow!
What is wrong with you?!
A lot, actually. He's kind of a mess.
I am too. Look at me. Raccoon eyes...
I think you look beautiful.
And I for one would love to walk you down the red carpet.
And I for one would be delighted.
Have a good time, Mother.
And I honestly mean that.
Oh, blow it out your ass.
[LAUGHING]
[MALORY GASPS]
Oh, Burt!
Oh, Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome.
Yeah, he actually kind of is.
And I for one am gonna go watch Hooper and masturbate till my fingers bleed.
Just tape them up.
[English - US - PSDH]