1
00:00:03,221 --> 00:00:06,290
Agent Sterling Archer,
codename Duchess.
2
00:00:06,358 --> 00:00:07,890
Licensed to kill.
3
00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:10,794
Primary skills: covert operations.
4
00:00:10,862 --> 00:00:12,028
Unarmed combat.
5
00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:13,062
Firearms.
6
00:00:13,131 --> 00:00:14,130
Explosives.
7
00:00:14,199 --> 00:00:15,764
Asset acquisition.
8
00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,533
Enemy agent disposal.
9
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,968
Current status: missing.
10
00:00:20,037 --> 00:00:21,571
For three months!
11
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:26,012
Sterling's been missing for three
months and you idiots have nothing!
12
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:32,021
Well name-calling's
not gonna get us --
13
00:00:32,089 --> 00:00:32,723
Anywhere.
14
00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:34,224
Which is where
Archer could be.
15
00:00:34,293 --> 00:00:36,627
Malory, we've checked every safe
house, run down every lead...
16
00:00:36,695 --> 00:00:41,432
And he hasn't touched any of his
bank accounts, so unless he... oh.
17
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,735
Were you gonna say
"unless he's been skimming
18
00:00:43,804 --> 00:00:46,271
tons of cash from his operations
accounts all these years"?
19
00:00:46,341 --> 00:00:47,640
Yeah, duh, right?
20
00:00:47,709 --> 00:00:49,609
Wh-?
He wouldn't dare steal from me!
21
00:00:49,677 --> 00:00:54,213
Oh please, we all --
think he would dare to do that.
22
00:00:54,282 --> 00:00:57,216
So we've got a g highly-ih
skilled covert agent,
23
00:00:57,284 --> 00:01:00,018
who probably has millions
of dollars in cash...
24
00:01:00,087 --> 00:01:01,821
Who doesn't
want to be found.
25
00:01:01,890 --> 00:01:04,492
Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him!
26
00:01:04,561 --> 00:01:06,027
What does that mean?
27
00:01:06,096 --> 00:01:07,061
Oh, don't give me that!
28
00:01:07,130 --> 00:01:09,131
You're all secretly
delighted that he's gone!
29
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,103
- I wouldn't say delighted, but...
- I cannot say I miss
30
00:01:13,172 --> 00:01:13,938
the bullying.
31
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:14,639
Me neither.
32
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,842
Plus ISIS actually turned
a profit this quarter.
33
00:01:16,911 --> 00:01:20,079
Be that as it -- no, never mind!
34
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,184
Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in --
35
00:01:23,253 --> 00:01:24,519
Malory, he can't!
36
00:01:24,588 --> 00:01:25,086
Be found!
37
00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:29,459
- I mean, if he's even still...um...
- Still what.
38
00:01:29,528 --> 00:01:31,095
Aliiive.
39
00:01:31,163 --> 00:01:33,064
Jeezow, talk about duh.
40
00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:36,035
I bet he totally already
killed himself.
41
00:01:36,103 --> 00:01:37,103
No he didn't!
42
00:01:37,171 --> 00:01:38,104
What's wrong with you?!
43
00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:39,105
Nothing!
44
00:01:39,174 --> 00:01:41,875
Because my skeevy Russian fiancée
wasn't murdered in front
45
00:01:41,944 --> 00:01:44,112
of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding!
46
00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:46,882
Noooooooooooooooooooo!
47
00:01:46,951 --> 00:01:48,216
Kaaatyaaa!
48
00:01:48,285 --> 00:01:50,553
Noooo ho ho wah ha haaa!
49
00:01:50,622 --> 00:01:51,354
Woooooh!
50
00:01:51,423 --> 00:01:52,188
How's it feel, Archer?!
51
00:01:52,257 --> 00:01:54,124
Now both our weddings
are canceled!
52
00:01:54,192 --> 00:01:57,127
Baarryyyyyyy!
53
00:01:57,195 --> 00:01:58,895
Is that how
you crash a wedding?
54
00:01:58,964 --> 00:02:03,099
- Yes it is, Bionic Barry, yes it is...
- No!
55
00:02:03,168 --> 00:02:07,071
No matter how distraught Sterling is
over Katya, he won't kill himself.
56
00:02:07,139 --> 00:02:08,238
He'd never do that to me.
57
00:02:08,307 --> 00:02:10,975
He's alive, somewhere, and
since you fools can't find
58
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:13,577
him I called in someone who can.
59
00:02:13,646 --> 00:02:16,680
Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
60
00:02:16,749 --> 00:02:17,681
Manhunter?
61
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:21,218
- Now if that is the pot calling
the kettle black... - Oh Rip,
62
00:02:21,287 --> 00:02:23,121
you old so-and-so!
63
00:02:23,189 --> 00:02:24,122
How are you, Malory?
64
00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:24,923
Besides gorgeous?
65
00:02:24,992 --> 00:02:26,591
Oh I'm not, I'm a mess!
66
00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:29,929
I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and --
Well, don't be.
67
00:02:29,997 --> 00:02:30,897
I tracked him down.
68
00:02:30,966 --> 00:02:31,798
Already?!
69
00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:32,365
Wh-? How?!
70
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:34,601
Uh, this new thing
called intelligence gathering?
71
00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:38,172
Anyhoo, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia --
72
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,908
- With his millions in caaaash...
- Tending bar.
73
00:02:40,977 --> 00:02:41,843
Or nooooot.
74
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,546
So I'll pick him up tonight,
then say, three days back to New York,
75
00:02:44,614 --> 00:02:48,116
- so if you're not busy Friday night...
- I'll book us our old
76
00:02:48,184 --> 00:02:49,183
booth at 21.
77
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,451
Outstanding.
78
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,185
Riley out.
79
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,387
What a hunk!
80
00:02:52,455 --> 00:02:54,389
Total sploosh.
81
00:02:54,457 --> 00:02:57,559
Actually yeah, gotta
give him the sploosh.
82
00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:00,195
And, whatever my
equivalent of sploosh is,
83
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,466
which, I guess is just sploosh.
84
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:05,568
Only with semen.
85
00:03:07,497 --> 00:03:18,956
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:03:41,706 --> 00:03:45,410
Oh my God, I can't
believe I just did that...
87
00:03:45,478 --> 00:03:48,598
You know, I'm not like that --
No, hey c'mon, don't do that...
88
00:03:48,718 --> 00:03:51,852
Don't ruin your post-coital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
89
00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:55,390
How is it misplaced,
I'm on my honeymoo-hooon!
90
00:03:55,458 --> 00:03:56,742
Well at least
you got a honeymoon!
91
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,126
My fiancée was murdered!
92
00:03:58,195 --> 00:03:59,528
- Wait, what?
- Yeah!
93
00:03:59,597 --> 00:04:01,163
Oh! And you married an idiot!
94
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:04,266
Who plays thirty-six holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?
95
00:04:04,335 --> 00:04:07,602
Because not to, whatever, but that
cannot bode well for your marriage.
96
00:04:07,671 --> 00:04:10,171
Get the hell out,
you piece of shit!
97
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,008
Seriously, I hope she didn't
sign a pre-nup, because -- Oh my God!
98
00:04:14,077 --> 00:04:17,011
Hey so, what happened was,
somebody ordered room service,
99
00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:19,913
but the regular room service
guy, uh, he died, so I came in
100
00:04:19,981 --> 00:04:23,716
here and fell on the bed --
Wait, you're not her husband.
101
00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,520
And you're not one of my dick
bosses, so can I help you, or...?
102
00:04:26,588 --> 00:04:28,789
Yes, you can quickly and
quietly walk down to the dock
103
00:04:28,857 --> 00:04:30,190
and board my seaplane.
104
00:04:30,259 --> 00:04:33,494
Okay A, rhetorical,
and B, your what?
105
00:04:33,563 --> 00:04:34,195
Seaplane?
106
00:04:34,264 --> 00:04:36,631
Looks like an airplane
had a baby with a boat?
107
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,433
I know what a
seaplane is, idiot!
108
00:04:38,502 --> 00:04:40,235
And yet you're
surprisingly unclear on the
109
00:04:40,304 --> 00:04:41,637
phrase "quickly and quietly."
110
00:04:41,706 --> 00:04:44,039
And even more
unclear on who you are?
111
00:04:44,108 --> 00:04:45,107
Name's Rip Riley.
112
00:04:45,176 --> 00:04:47,342
Your mother hired me to
bring you back, Sterling.
113
00:04:47,411 --> 00:04:48,210
She what?!
114
00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:48,944
I mean who?!
115
00:04:49,013 --> 00:04:50,646
I'm Randy! See?
116
00:04:50,715 --> 00:04:54,083
So you can just go back to...
that other guy's mother and tell
117
00:04:54,152 --> 00:04:56,185
her that even if you did
find that other guy,
118
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,255
he's never coming back to ISIS!
119
00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:00,956
Wait, did you say ISIS, or...?
120
00:05:01,025 --> 00:05:03,225
How did ISIS suddenly get in
the mix, is what I'm asking.
121
00:05:03,294 --> 00:05:05,161
And I'm asking you, for
the second and last time,
122
00:05:05,229 --> 00:05:05,961
to get on that plane.
123
00:05:06,030 --> 00:05:07,329
Ya wanna try and make me?
124
00:05:07,398 --> 00:05:08,230
No, I don't.
125
00:05:08,299 --> 00:05:15,872
And I promise -- you
don't want that either.
126
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,909
Hey, so listen...
I think we got off on the wrong foot?
127
00:05:19,978 --> 00:05:24,013
But I'm willing to, ya know, let
bygones be gone by the wayside...
128
00:05:24,082 --> 00:05:26,282
Good to know...
But I'm there yet.
129
00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:27,783
Well, give it some time.
130
00:05:27,852 --> 00:05:29,852
Speaking of, how long
is this stupid flight?
131
00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:32,688
- Eh, about forty hours in the air...
- Hooray...
132
00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:34,657
But I have to
island-hop to re-fuel.
133
00:05:34,726 --> 00:05:38,594
Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.
134
00:05:38,663 --> 00:05:40,930
Making it wildly
impractical, got it.
135
00:05:40,998 --> 00:05:42,698
This plane is
totally practical!
136
00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:44,466
Maybe for this
ridiculous image you're trying
137
00:05:44,535 --> 00:05:46,435
- to cultivate for yourself...
- What image?
138
00:05:46,504 --> 00:05:48,303
Sky Captain
of Yesteryeeear!
139
00:05:48,339 --> 00:05:51,340
At least I'm not sky
captain of I ran away from home,
140
00:05:51,409 --> 00:05:53,008
I didn't run
away from home!
141
00:05:53,077 --> 00:05:53,608
I'm a grown man!
142
00:05:53,677 --> 00:05:56,278
Whose fiancée was murdered
in front of his very eyes!
143
00:05:56,346 --> 00:05:58,880
So excuse me for needing
some time to grieve!
144
00:05:58,949 --> 00:06:00,715
By tending bar
and banging newlyweds?
145
00:06:00,784 --> 00:06:04,185
Apparently that's
my grieving process!
146
00:06:04,254 --> 00:06:05,519
And also I need to
use the bathroom!
147
00:06:05,588 --> 00:06:06,720
A, it's called the head.
148
00:06:06,789 --> 00:06:07,955
And B, no.
149
00:06:08,024 --> 00:06:08,955
Pee in your pants.
150
00:06:09,024 --> 00:06:10,724
Yeah, wrong number.
151
00:06:10,792 --> 00:06:13,859
And I've literally had nothing but
liquor and mangoes for three months,
152
00:06:13,928 --> 00:06:17,696
so unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that...
153
00:06:17,765 --> 00:06:19,297
Okay, I'm setting
the auto-pilot.
154
00:06:19,366 --> 00:06:21,199
But this better not be a ruse.
155
00:06:21,268 --> 00:06:22,167
A ruse?
156
00:06:22,235 --> 00:06:23,301
Brrring! Brrring!
157
00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:23,902
Hello?
158
00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:26,971
Hi, it's the 1930's, can we have our
words and clothes and shitty airplane
159
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:27,305
back?
160
00:06:27,374 --> 00:06:28,039
Let's go, kid.
161
00:06:28,108 --> 00:06:29,174
Call ya back, 1930's!
162
00:06:29,242 --> 00:06:31,209
And hey, watch out for
that Adolf Hitler!
163
00:06:31,278 --> 00:06:32,010
He's a bad egg!
164
00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:35,080
No, one pedal fills it with water --
I did that!
165
00:06:35,148 --> 00:06:36,815
And the other
pedal flushes it!
166
00:06:36,884 --> 00:06:38,150
No, it doesn't!
167
00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:42,187
Ugh, you come try, I gotta
choke down this gag reflex.
168
00:06:42,256 --> 00:06:42,655
Yeah, ha ha!
169
00:06:42,724 --> 00:06:45,224
Quit being a dick for five
seconds and unlock the door!
170
00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:46,393
It doesn't have a lock!
171
00:06:46,461 --> 00:06:48,328
Dammit, I'm gonna
puke and there's no room
172
00:06:48,397 --> 00:06:49,363
in the toilet or the sink!
173
00:06:49,431 --> 00:06:52,499
What the hell'd
you put in the sink?!
174
00:06:52,568 --> 00:06:53,434
A ruse!
175
00:06:53,503 --> 00:06:55,336
You big dumb idiot.
176
00:06:55,405 --> 00:06:58,106
And also a bunch of shaving
cream and toilet paper.
177
00:06:58,175 --> 00:06:59,641
Just because.
178
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:02,077
And where does Malory get
off implying we didn't try our
179
00:07:02,146 --> 00:07:02,778
best to find Archer?
180
00:07:02,847 --> 00:07:04,346
No, she
straight up said it.
181
00:07:04,415 --> 00:07:07,048
What she implied was that
we're jealous of Archer,
182
00:07:07,117 --> 00:07:09,617
and that you hate yourself cause
you're still attracted to him.
183
00:07:09,686 --> 00:07:10,918
I -- that's -- what?!
184
00:07:10,987 --> 00:07:12,619
Oh please, you're
so hot for him I could
185
00:07:12,688 --> 00:07:14,922
re-heat this chili in yer cooch.
186
00:07:14,990 --> 00:07:17,858
Don't you have some...
humans to resource?!
187
00:07:17,926 --> 00:07:19,025
Actually, no.
188
00:07:19,094 --> 00:07:20,927
Most of my job's dealing
with sexual harrassment
189
00:07:20,996 --> 00:07:25,431
complaints against Mr. Archer, so...
are we gonna some cooch chili
190
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,368
or what?
191
00:07:28,436 --> 00:07:32,372
Wuzza... wuzz...
What in the holy hell are you doing?
192
00:07:32,441 --> 00:07:33,974
Well it was gonna
be an Old Fashioned,
193
00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,877
but I couldn't find any bitters, so --
How long was I out?!
194
00:07:36,946 --> 00:07:37,477
Hard to say.
195
00:07:37,546 --> 00:07:40,113
After I shaved and stuff I
took a pretty long nap, so --
196
00:07:40,182 --> 00:07:41,314
Uncuff me, you idiot!
197
00:07:41,383 --> 00:07:44,384
Holy God, if we overshot
our chance to refuel...!
198
00:07:44,452 --> 00:07:46,119
I thought you
put it on auto-pilot!
199
00:07:46,188 --> 00:07:48,387
It just maintains
course and altitude!
200
00:07:48,456 --> 00:07:51,824
It doesn't know how to find the
only airstrip within a thousand
201
00:07:51,892 --> 00:07:55,460
miles so it can land
itself when it needs gas!
202
00:07:55,529 --> 00:07:58,396
Well, then I
misunderstood the concept.
203
00:07:58,464 --> 00:07:59,397
Uncuff me!
204
00:07:59,465 --> 00:08:00,231
Okay, God!
205
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:02,433
Wait, first promise you
won't take me back to ISIS!
206
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:03,167
ISIS?!
207
00:08:03,235 --> 00:08:06,036
You'll be lucky if I can
get us back to land!
208
00:08:06,105 --> 00:08:07,138
Now uncuff me!
209
00:08:07,206 --> 00:08:08,373
Okay, God!
210
00:08:08,442 --> 00:08:09,007
Wait a minute.
211
00:08:09,076 --> 00:08:12,777
Is this a ruse?
212
00:08:12,846 --> 00:08:14,195
Because if it is?
213
00:08:14,315 --> 00:08:16,415
Pretty elaborate.
214
00:08:19,454 --> 00:08:19,883
Dammit!
215
00:08:20,003 --> 00:08:20,931
There goes number two!
216
00:08:20,995 --> 00:08:22,340
But it can land
on water, right?!
217
00:08:22,372 --> 00:08:23,696
I mean, isn't that
the whole point?!
218
00:08:23,786 --> 00:08:24,986
It's a kinda
different story when we're
219
00:08:25,054 --> 00:08:27,688
dropping like a ton of bricks!
220
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,424
Damn, I can barely hold her level!
221
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:30,959
Want me to
help steer, or...?
222
00:08:31,027 --> 00:08:32,727
Haven't you
done enough already?!
223
00:08:32,795 --> 00:08:35,996
Wh-?!
How is this suddenly my fault?!
224
00:08:36,065 --> 00:08:37,656
Okay, this is it!
225
00:08:37,776 --> 00:08:39,999
C'mon Lucy Goosey, you can do it!
226
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:43,236
Looking good, girl...
I think we're gonna be okay!
227
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:44,837
Wait, you didn't
put the wheels down!
228
00:08:44,906 --> 00:08:47,706
The wh -- Noooo!
229
00:09:47,402 --> 00:09:48,835
Woooooo!
230
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:51,038
Two personal records!
231
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:55,844
For breath holding and number of
sharks shot in the frickin face!
232
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:58,647
Did you see that?
233
00:09:58,716 --> 00:09:59,815
Dude are you even alive?
234
00:09:59,884 --> 00:10:01,817
No, that side's too low!
235
00:10:01,886 --> 00:10:03,586
Well I
can't tell from here!
236
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:05,521
Well I can,
and it's too low.
237
00:10:05,590 --> 00:10:08,325
- I think you mean premature...
- What'd you say?!
238
00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:09,025
Nothing!
239
00:10:09,094 --> 00:10:11,828
It's just that Archer obviously
doesn't want to come back,
240
00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:13,830
so I don't know how Riley's
gonna get him on a plane...
241
00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:16,265
- Which, I bet will crash...
- Yeahhh!
242
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:17,100
Now you listen!
243
00:10:17,168 --> 00:10:20,469
Sterling is coming home safe and
sound, and when he does it'll be no
244
00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:24,373
thanks to you people, so you can
forget about getting Carvel!
245
00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:27,776
Aww... Cookie Puss.
246
00:10:27,845 --> 00:10:30,812
Wuzza... wuzz...
what the... what in the holy
247
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,080
hell are you doing now?!
248
00:10:32,149 --> 00:10:34,516
Ugh, wondering why
this is called a D-Ration.
249
00:10:34,585 --> 00:10:35,851
Oughta call it a Y-ration.
250
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,854
As in "Hey, this
tastes like catshit."
251
00:10:37,923 --> 00:10:41,191
They're not candy bars,
jackass, they're survival rations!
252
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:43,393
And they might have
to last us a while!
253
00:10:43,462 --> 00:10:47,598
- Umm...
- You son of a -- okay, that is it!
254
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:49,601
As of right now, I'm -- what the...?!
255
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:51,603
Looking for this?
256
00:10:51,671 --> 00:10:52,537
Give me that weapon.
257
00:10:52,605 --> 00:10:53,471
No. You're agitated.
258
00:10:53,539 --> 00:10:56,473
I'm "agitated" because
you crashed my plane in the God
259
00:10:56,542 --> 00:10:59,442
knows if it's even the
middle of the Pacific Ocean!
260
00:10:59,511 --> 00:11:01,844
Yeah, which you're floating
on, and not getting shit out of
261
00:11:01,913 --> 00:11:02,712
a shark in!
262
00:11:02,781 --> 00:11:03,212
Wait, what?
263
00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:05,447
I saved you from a shark!
264
00:11:05,516 --> 00:11:09,017
Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shitheap of a plane,
265
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,886
but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head!
266
00:11:11,955 --> 00:11:12,887
Oh.
267
00:11:12,956 --> 00:11:13,788
Well... thanks.
268
00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:14,923
You're welcome.
269
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:15,990
Sorry I ate so much food.
270
00:11:16,059 --> 00:11:17,492
Yeah, that was
a pretty dick move...
271
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,827
If it makes you feel any
better I puked most of it up --
272
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,396
It doesn't --
raft's pretty bobby.
273
00:11:21,464 --> 00:11:23,431
Well we've got a few
gallons of fresh water,
274
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:26,268
a desalinator for when that runs out...
let's see,
275
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,970
flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear... oh!
276
00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:29,738
And this guy.
277
00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:30,338
What is that?
278
00:11:30,407 --> 00:11:31,406
Emergency beacon.
279
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:35,177
- Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite...
- Oh well that's
280
00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:35,911
just great!
281
00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:39,081
Now I get to deal with this, as
my hot meatball sub congeals
282
00:11:39,149 --> 00:11:44,286
into a big fat disappointing
blob of shit.
283
00:11:44,354 --> 00:11:46,287
Nobody's
gonna touch that?
284
00:11:46,356 --> 00:11:46,921
Yeah.
285
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:49,190
So I figure three days for ISIS
to get a rescue team out here.
286
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:49,958
Nice!
287
00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:52,694
So we just kick back, catch a
few rays, catch some sushi...
288
00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:54,363
Well it's not gonna
be a picnic, but --
289
00:11:54,432 --> 00:11:55,899
Hey, can I
check that thing out?
290
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:57,367
Okay, but don't
mess with the knobs, I've
291
00:11:57,435 --> 00:12:00,738
got the frequency all set, so --
Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi.
292
00:12:00,806 --> 00:12:03,941
Who I think invented the radio.
293
00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:04,475
Over.
294
00:12:04,544 --> 00:12:06,478
But if the emergency
beacon is going off --
295
00:12:06,547 --> 00:12:09,548
oh my God, their plane crashed!
296
00:12:09,616 --> 00:12:13,052
I said
that would happen and it did!
297
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,320
What if I have
psycho-kinetic powers?!
298
00:12:15,389 --> 00:12:18,957
I dunno, just try
to only use em for good.
299
00:12:19,026 --> 00:12:19,959
No.
300
00:12:20,027 --> 00:12:20,826
Well?!
301
00:12:20,895 --> 00:12:23,462
Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese!
302
00:12:23,531 --> 00:12:24,329
Do something!
303
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:25,230
Ow, and I am.
304
00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:28,501
Our satellite's locked on
the beacon, which is, jeez,
305
00:12:28,569 --> 00:12:29,335
the middle of nowhere.
306
00:12:29,403 --> 00:12:30,135
Lana, Ray!
307
00:12:30,204 --> 00:12:31,704
Get there this instant!
308
00:12:31,772 --> 00:12:33,939
Uh, sorta following
up on his thing about the
309
00:12:34,008 --> 00:12:37,076
middle of nowhere... how?
310
00:12:37,145 --> 00:12:39,045
The black titanium
corporate card?!
311
00:12:39,114 --> 00:12:40,981
I thought it was just a myth!
312
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:43,684
Like a big, beautiful,
no-limit unicorn!
313
00:12:43,753 --> 00:12:46,854
Charter a private jet to
Honolulu, then I don't care if you have
314
00:12:46,923 --> 00:12:49,590
to buy a plane, get out
there and find him!
315
00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:51,592
Wait, no, that's
not in the budget!
316
00:12:51,661 --> 00:12:54,227
Say budget
to me again, Cyril.
317
00:12:54,296 --> 00:12:55,929
Save your receipts, please.
318
00:12:55,997 --> 00:12:58,664
And call me the very
instant you have an update!
319
00:12:58,733 --> 00:12:59,265
And you!
320
00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:03,502
You lose my son, you'll have to drink
your meatballs subs through a straw.
321
00:13:03,571 --> 00:13:04,369
Again, ow.
322
00:13:04,438 --> 00:13:08,073
And again, the satellite is locked
on the beacon, so unless he,
323
00:13:08,141 --> 00:13:11,776
I dunno, throws it away...
Wh-? Why the hell would he do that?!
324
00:13:11,845 --> 00:13:12,577
I told you!
325
00:13:12,646 --> 00:13:14,012
I'm not going back there!
326
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:17,616
- Well, you say that...
- Riley no shit, I will shoot you.
327
00:13:17,685 --> 00:13:18,884
And then I'll shoot you.
328
00:13:18,952 --> 00:13:19,384
With a flare.
329
00:13:19,453 --> 00:13:21,954
And then I'll use a D-ration bar
and two survival crackers to
330
00:13:22,023 --> 00:13:27,027
make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.
331
00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:28,028
God damn, dude.
332
00:13:28,096 --> 00:13:30,030
Sorry, but you're
acting really crazy.
333
00:13:30,099 --> 00:13:30,497
Well?!
334
00:13:30,566 --> 00:13:31,399
Being a spy makes you crazy!
335
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:34,902
I mean what kind of job is that,
where your fiancée gets murdered?!
336
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:36,036
Hello, stress!
337
00:13:36,105 --> 00:13:38,805
- Don't even get me started on my mother,
I mean she -- - She can be
338
00:13:38,874 --> 00:13:42,043
a steel-clad bitch, I know,
why do you think I left ISIS?
339
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,378
Wh-?
You were an ISIS agent?!
340
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,380
Briefly, way back.
341
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,282
Didn't work out, because,
ya know, your mother...
342
00:13:47,351 --> 00:13:48,817
Was impossible
to please, right?
343
00:13:48,886 --> 00:13:50,586
- God, if you only knew...
- What?
344
00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,788
...how much your mom loves you!
345
00:13:52,857 --> 00:13:55,257
You would at least have the
heart to go tell her you're
346
00:13:55,326 --> 00:13:56,124
quitting in person.
347
00:13:56,193 --> 00:13:56,658
Eesh.
348
00:13:56,727 --> 00:13:58,627
- Rather get shot with a flare...
- Oh, man up!
349
00:13:58,696 --> 00:13:59,328
Talk to your mother.
350
00:13:59,397 --> 00:14:02,832
Then you can go be a bartender, and
destroy a new marriage every week.
351
00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:04,133
C'mon, that
marriage was doomed.
352
00:14:04,202 --> 00:14:09,072
And so are we, if we don't
work together out here, so... truce?
353
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:12,842
Uh, ya, and hey,
we're not doomed!
354
00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:14,077
Look!
355
00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:15,278
Over here! Hey!
356
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:17,547
No no no wait, get down!
357
00:14:17,616 --> 00:14:18,081
Wh-?
358
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:19,115
Don't you wanna get rescued?
359
00:14:19,184 --> 00:14:20,984
Yeah, but those
could be pirates!
360
00:14:21,052 --> 00:14:23,086
Okay, well, they'll
just have to do 'til we
361
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:25,021
find some cowboys and Indians.
362
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:25,622
What?!
363
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,256
What what.
364
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,626
What're you talking about?
365
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:35,732
I'm sorry... I didn't know pirates
were...still a real thing.
366
00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:41,794
Man, this is not
at all what I pictured...
367
00:14:41,862 --> 00:14:42,594
I mean, you hear "pirate ship"
368
00:14:42,663 --> 00:14:46,198
you think sails, cannonballs...
oh, and not one of these guys has a beard.
369
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,222
- You done?
- Hang on.
370
00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:49,527
Planks.
Now I'm done.
371
00:14:49,775 --> 00:14:52,004
Because the fact that
we're still alive tells me they
372
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:54,807
wanna try to r --
Don't say rape.
373
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:55,841
Ransom us.
374
00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:56,808
Awesome.
375
00:14:56,877 --> 00:14:57,676
Compared to rape.
376
00:14:57,745 --> 00:14:59,377
Which seems like a thing
pirates would do.
377
00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:01,713
But those numbskulls who
picked us up were so drunk --
378
00:15:01,782 --> 00:15:03,248
Now that did seem piratey.
379
00:15:03,317 --> 00:15:04,449
-- they forgot to search me.
380
00:15:04,518 --> 00:15:05,984
Well, unless you've
got a bunch of Navy SEALs
381
00:15:06,052 --> 00:15:07,385
- stuffed in your pants...
- No!
382
00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:08,486
I've got the signal beacon!
383
00:15:08,554 --> 00:15:08,886
So?
384
00:15:08,955 --> 00:15:10,654
So we just stall the
pirates until the ISIS rescue
385
00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:13,057
team shows up, boards the
ship, and takes 'em all out!
386
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:15,358
Bing, Bang, Boom.
387
00:15:17,328 --> 00:15:18,828
Which is funny why?
388
00:15:18,897 --> 00:15:20,730
Well, gee,
where do I start?
389
00:15:20,799 --> 00:15:24,000
I will start with the
caviar and the '38 Montrachet,
390
00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:27,603
then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin,
391
00:15:27,672 --> 00:15:30,606
and then this chocolate
terrine looks insaaane.
392
00:15:30,675 --> 00:15:32,875
And then I guess just send me
to fat camp and pray to God
393
00:15:32,944 --> 00:15:36,212
I don't eat all those fat,
delicious little chiddrens.
394
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,847
Because I will gobble them up.
395
00:15:37,915 --> 00:15:40,516
Wow, ISIS has
really gone downhill.
396
00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:41,950
But there must be
some good agents.
397
00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:44,852
It kills me to say
it, but it maybe Lana...
398
00:15:44,921 --> 00:15:47,288
Ray, I doubt that's what
Malory had in mind when she gave
399
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:48,088
us the card.
400
00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:49,723
Ya know, we are on
a rescue mission.
401
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:50,223
Ugh.
402
00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:53,860
Rescue me from myself...
such a fatty.
403
00:15:53,929 --> 00:15:56,696
But even so, I wouldn't put
all my rescue eggs in that basket.
404
00:15:56,765 --> 00:15:57,130
Well?!
405
00:15:57,199 --> 00:15:58,431
You got a better plan?!
406
00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,866
I don't, I'm
not really a planner.
407
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,738
My process is a little more...
organic?
408
00:16:03,807 --> 00:16:04,506
Datang!
409
00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:05,640
Untuk kapten!
410
00:16:05,709 --> 00:16:09,077
So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.
411
00:16:09,146 --> 00:16:09,578
See?
412
00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:11,881
This is why I like
to keep it loose.
413
00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:13,783
I mean the wine's crap,
but -- Oh, sorry.
414
00:16:13,852 --> 00:16:14,484
No offense, captain.
415
00:16:14,553 --> 00:16:16,787
No, I am who am sorry.
416
00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:18,922
This from million dollar yacht.
417
00:16:18,991 --> 00:16:21,825
Now I don't feel bad
for killing them.
418
00:16:21,894 --> 00:16:24,528
- Serves em right, those jerks...
- But you know wine!
419
00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:25,429
You rich man!
420
00:16:25,498 --> 00:16:27,898
Who me? No, I'm --
Rich man!
421
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:29,866
My men take this off you!
422
00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:32,302
The Omicron Spacemaster!
423
00:16:32,371 --> 00:16:34,972
Oh, it's actually
the Sp -- acemaster, yeah.
424
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:39,177
- Good ol' Spacemaster...
- To Sterleen... Love, Muddah.
425
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:40,912
You muddah rich lady!
426
00:16:40,981 --> 00:16:41,813
Uh... oh!
427
00:16:41,882 --> 00:16:45,651
Yeah, crazy-rich, she invented
the splashless urinal cake.
428
00:16:45,719 --> 00:16:46,218
The what?
429
00:16:46,287 --> 00:16:48,888
They're -- doesn't matter,
she's rich and she loves me
430
00:16:48,957 --> 00:16:53,526
and I'm really rich and this is
my manservant, uh... Jerkins.
431
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,427
Funny stuff.
432
00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:55,428
Not now, Jerkins.
433
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:57,797
So I bet she'd pay whatever
ransom you ask for.
434
00:16:57,866 --> 00:17:00,400
Splashless urinal cakes have
been pretty good to us.
435
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:01,034
As you can imagine.
436
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,869
- This good to hear...
- But we can't do any
437
00:17:03,938 --> 00:17:05,304
of that "mail somebody a finger"
438
00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:09,174
- shit, or --
- No, no, no we take you back to my island!
439
00:17:09,243 --> 00:17:12,610
Call you muddah, get
a big big money!
440
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:13,144
Awesome.
441
00:17:13,213 --> 00:17:14,079
Compared to finger-mailing.
442
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:17,149
So tell me about this
island of yours?
443
00:17:17,218 --> 00:17:19,018
It's a tiny little
rock called Pangu...
444
00:17:19,087 --> 00:17:21,787
Nothin else within a thousand
miles, and the beacon's been
445
00:17:21,856 --> 00:17:24,123
headin straight for it
at about twenty knots.
446
00:17:24,192 --> 00:17:26,292
So a ship must
have picked them up!
447
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:27,960
But I've never even
heard of Pangu.
448
00:17:28,029 --> 00:17:30,096
Is there a naval base there, or...?
449
00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:31,798
Mmmnot exactly.
450
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:34,734
- It's more of a, uh...
- Pirate fortress.
451
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,303
No, yeah, I just wanted
to make sure you said
452
00:17:36,371 --> 00:17:38,071
the phrase "pirate fortress."
453
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,208
Which apparently, yes, you
did, say the word pirate,
454
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:43,744
followed by the word --
Fortress!
455
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:47,515
- That is the word, My english so crap...
- Eh, I bet you just need
456
00:17:47,584 --> 00:17:48,182
more practice.
457
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:50,752
Try this: Jerkins,
you're a douchebag!
458
00:17:50,821 --> 00:17:51,386
Funny stuff.
459
00:17:51,455 --> 00:17:53,188
Jehkin, you dooshaback!
460
00:17:53,257 --> 00:17:54,222
Keep at it.
461
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,557
Oh and hey, did we cross the
international date line?
462
00:17:56,626 --> 00:18:00,695
Because I can change the date for
you on that Omicron Spacemaster.
463
00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:01,329
Eh?
464
00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:05,899
Yeah, okay dumb guy...
Wouldn't want to be walking around like a
465
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:06,766
dickhead!
466
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:11,003
With the wrong date on your...
Omicron Spymaster!
467
00:18:11,072 --> 00:18:11,671
Wh-?!
468
00:18:11,739 --> 00:18:12,738
Wuzza hell dumb guy?
469
00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:15,007
It's the
Omicron Spymaster!
470
00:18:15,076 --> 00:18:17,977
Which is why it's got knockout
gas and a garrote and I think
471
00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:21,180
even a laser and Riley do I have
to kill everybody myself?!
472
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:25,250
Huh? Oh!
473
00:18:25,319 --> 00:18:27,019
Seriously, what
the hell, Riley?!
474
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:28,720
I didn't know you
were making a move!
475
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:29,788
Uh, dickhead?!
476
00:18:29,856 --> 00:18:31,022
Takes one to know one.
477
00:18:31,091 --> 00:18:33,024
No!
Dickhead was the go-word!
478
00:18:33,093 --> 00:18:34,392
How was I
supposed to know?!
479
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,662
Oh. Yeah sorry, I forgot
to tell you the go-word was --
480
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:41,967
Dooshaback!
481
00:18:42,036 --> 00:18:44,070
But even still,
Riley you gotta be quicker.
482
00:18:44,138 --> 00:18:46,639
I mean, I know you're pretty old but --
Well now that I know the
483
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,909
go-word, I --
No, idiot, it changes every time.
484
00:18:48,977 --> 00:18:49,877
Well what is it now?
485
00:18:49,945 --> 00:18:50,444
Pirates!
486
00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:56,050
Kinda confusing, since we're on a --
Owww! Come on, that was right
487
00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:57,085
next to my frickin ear!
488
00:18:57,153 --> 00:18:59,487
Sorry, I know that hurts.
489
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,889
Happens to me kind of a lot.
490
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:04,025
I actually have like
mild tinnitis now.
491
00:19:04,093 --> 00:19:09,330
I mean, it's gotten to where I had
to start sleeping with a fan on.
492
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:12,767
Oh my God... Yeah,
otherwise it's like eeeeeeeeeee.
493
00:19:12,835 --> 00:19:15,036
No, you just
killed like, ten pirates.
494
00:19:15,105 --> 00:19:17,038
Wow, and if the
five-year old me knew that
495
00:19:17,106 --> 00:19:19,440
he would get a huge boner.
496
00:19:19,509 --> 00:19:20,575
No idea why I said that.
497
00:19:20,643 --> 00:19:22,777
Well once these idiots
figure out they can turn those
498
00:19:22,846 --> 00:19:28,183
twenty-millimeter cannons on the
wheelhouse, we'll be -- kinda confused.
499
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:29,084
What are they doing?
500
00:19:29,153 --> 00:19:30,852
It looks like
they're surrendering!
501
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:31,286
Why?
502
00:19:31,355 --> 00:19:33,154
All they have to do is --
Shut up, who cares why?
503
00:19:33,223 --> 00:19:33,855
I do!
504
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:34,656
What if it's a ruse?
505
00:19:34,725 --> 00:19:35,557
It's not a ruse!
506
00:19:35,626 --> 00:19:37,259
Say something, before
they change their minds!
507
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,094
Do they speak English?
508
00:19:39,163 --> 00:19:40,896
Uh... hello, pirates!
509
00:19:40,965 --> 00:19:44,066
Who speaks English,
let's see some hands!
510
00:19:44,135 --> 00:19:46,102
Wow, way
more than I thought.
511
00:19:46,171 --> 00:19:47,103
Uh, excuse me?
512
00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:49,072
Sorry, hi, I'm Noah?
513
00:19:49,141 --> 00:19:50,607
What're you,
the first mate, or...?
514
00:19:50,676 --> 00:19:54,478
Oh!
Oh God no, no, I'm a bajak budak?
515
00:19:54,547 --> 00:19:58,849
It's sort of a -- well, I guess the
nearest translation is slave-pirate?
516
00:19:58,918 --> 00:20:00,117
Do you speak English?
517
00:20:00,186 --> 00:20:01,018
I do.
518
00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:03,687
They don't, though, they're just
surrendering the ship to you.
519
00:20:03,756 --> 00:20:04,688
Dan benteng?
520
00:20:04,757 --> 00:20:05,122
Ya.
521
00:20:05,191 --> 00:20:05,890
And the fort.
522
00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:06,824
You're the new captain.
523
00:20:06,893 --> 00:20:07,425
The what?!
524
00:20:07,493 --> 00:20:10,294
Well if you kill the old
captain, you become the new captain.
525
00:20:10,363 --> 00:20:12,996
I know you don't think of
pirates as having a lot of
526
00:20:13,065 --> 00:20:15,131
rules, but they actually
do and that's a big one.
527
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,333
Well, tell them...
hands down!
528
00:20:17,402 --> 00:20:19,536
Tangan ke bawah!
529
00:20:19,604 --> 00:20:20,370
Holy shit!
530
00:20:20,438 --> 00:20:21,304
Did you see that?!
531
00:20:21,373 --> 00:20:24,106
- No, I'm too busy looking at that...
- What is...
532
00:20:24,175 --> 00:20:25,040
what am I seeing?
533
00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:28,143
Oh, the women always us throw a
huge feast when we return to port.
534
00:20:28,212 --> 00:20:30,112
Should I tell them
to cancel it, or...?
535
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:31,146
Huh?
536
00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:34,415
No, we're totally feasting!
537
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:35,016
Say that!
538
00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:37,319
Mulai pesta!
539
00:20:37,387 --> 00:20:38,152
Nice plan.
540
00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:41,556
Once they're good and drunk we'll
turn this tub around and head home.
541
00:20:41,625 --> 00:20:44,159
Home?
Riley... I am home.
542
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:47,061
Wh-? ! Over my dead body are you
running away to be a pirate!
543
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:51,010
Of course I'm not
gonna be a pirate...
544
00:20:52,731 --> 00:20:54,840
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
545
00:20:55,166 --> 00:21:05,669
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com