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FXX presents Archer 1999.
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Woooooo!!
Rocket paaaack!
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You know how much fuel
you just wasted?
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I don't know. How much
paint did Michelangelo waste
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on the Sistine Chapel?
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Yeah, but when Mikey ran out of
paint, he didn't die in space.
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Well, let's just cross that bridge
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when we never ever cross
it because it doesn't exist.
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- Would you just trace the...
- Shut up, Lana.
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I'm trying to trace the signal.
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And it's right...
there.
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Nanotube-reinforced reactor grid.
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Man, if we can re-tune that,
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it'll sell for 18 months
of operating costs.
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And, more importantly,
a sizable bonus for us.
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First off, no.
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We badly need a restock
of Gran Classico.
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Second...
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And third, Cyril's picked up a...
What was it?
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I've got a class D ship on
a hyperbolic intercept orbit.
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- Yes, that.
- It's right there!
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For the thousandth time,
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we can't see you pointing.
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And why wasn't that
the first thing?
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Because I said
two other things first?
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All right.
We've trained for this.
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- Cyril, on guns. We need cover.
- On it.
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- Krieger, spool up hyperspace drive.
- Spooling.
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- Cheryl, get to your fighter.
- Lame.
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- Ray, you're still useless.
- You know...
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Pam, swoop in with
the gig, lasso the grid,
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and tow it to the ship.
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Pam? Pam.
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Pam!
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What?
I'm right friggin' here.
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I don't know. Maybe we got
attacked by scavengers,
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barely got out with the
power core, and... oh, right...
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I ran out of fuel
and almost died.
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- Something about a bridge...
- Who am I, Santiago Calatrava?
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- The shortstop?
- No.
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That's what I'm gonna call
my foot when it's gracefully
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yet powerfully suspended
up your ass.
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Look, I feel terrible, guys.
No more mistakes.
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I'll be the perfect
crew member from now on.
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Which is why you skipped
the debriefing?
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I said from now on.
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And came directly
to the mess hall.
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I eat my feelings?
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- Amongst everything.
- Don't be a dick.
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Why would he possibly stop now?
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It's kind of
a big part of my draw.
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Look, I just came down here
to get a leftover sandwich
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from that time we were on
Toba Station.
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Dibs!
Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs.
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Where are you, you beautiful...
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Aah!
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What the hell was that?!
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That would be my sandwich.
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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What do we know about it?
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Well, apparently
it's allergic to compliments.
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And ate all our food.
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The food?
But that's what we eat.
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Where did it come from?
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Well, originally it was
a sandwich from Toba Station.
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See, you eat it while
it's alive and struggling,
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but it was definitely
dead when I finished.
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- It must've regenerated.
- Be that as it may,
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we need a plan before
this gets out of hand.
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It laid eggs.
Weird, gross eggs.
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Cool, let me see!
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Uh, how many?
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I don't know.
Th-They're everywhere.
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So we've got an alien on board
that's multiplying,
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no food, and scavengers
might still be tracking us.
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Anyone have an idea
that doesn't involve
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- us dying in space?
- I vote dying.
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Archer, Lana,
you go find this thing.
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Gillette, Cheryl, gather all
the scraps of food that are left
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to see if we can make
the next spaceport.
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Krieger, study the eggs.
Try to find a weakness.
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Cyril, Ms. Archer, keep
scanning for those scavengers.
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
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I have to stride somewhere
with purpose.
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Wow. Now, I want to say
that's dumb,
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- because, well, Pam.
- Yeah, but that's...
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- Actually...
- A good idea.
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So, if I were
to hypothetically suss out
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the military applications of...
Okay, yes, I see by your faces, yes.
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Got it.
Won't do that.
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We're going to have
such adventures together.
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Yeah, that won't
come back to haunt us.
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I'll keep an eye on him.
And just kill that thing, Sterling,
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before Krieger uses it
to mutate us all into,
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let's say... space goo.
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I vote space goo.
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- So, are you gonna...
- Shh.
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Shut. Shut your mouth.
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I will not let you ruin this for me,
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like you have
so many other times.
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I. Am. Ready.
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- Ya done?
- What?
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I don't know how to do
the volume on this thing.
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I said, "ya done?"
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Oh, got it.
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I think so.
There's nothing left,
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and also I can barely move.
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And that's gonna help you
catch this thing how?
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All of this, Lana,
is totally necessary.
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Actually, let's see where it is.
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I only have another seven,
eight steps in me.
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Huh. This says
it's within two meters.
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Which would only make sense if...
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Oh, screw you,
two-dimensional display.
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Aah!
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Hey! Hey!
Lana, it's friendly.
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Also laying gross eggs.
Pretty much constantly.
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And the cloaca blooms.
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And what does that mean,
other than that you now
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have a sideline
in Georgia O'Keefe sculptures?
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The eggs contain
self-healing DNA.
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If I can isolate it, I might
unlock the secret of regeneration.
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And they called me mad.
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- Who did?
- Huh?
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- Oh, I guess I just assumed.
- Safe bet.
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So, do you want the bad news?
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- Or the what?
- Uh, there is no other news.
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- Then why did you ask?
- Rhetorical effect?
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Well, it stopped us
in our tracks, Cicero,
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so mark it as ineffective.
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Look, we don't have
enough food to make it
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to the nearest spaceport.
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Even if we carefully rationed
out the scraps here,
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we still wouldn't have...
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He... He's incorrigible.
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- Damn it, Archer.
- What?
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He said there wasn't enough
food to make it to spaceport.
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Nothing's changed.
So I accept your apology.
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Ooh! It's starting.
We'll tear ourselves apart
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with suspicion and doubt
and then eat each other!
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I call first dibs.
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- To eat or be eaten?
- Whatever. I'm not picky.
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Better sharpen those chompers.
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- I am so confused by your tone.
- Me too.
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It may not come to that.
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Using the egg,
I may have found a way
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to regenerate our cells
as we starve.
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It won't be pleasant...
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- But?
- No, I was done.
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Let me guess... there's a chance
it'll turn us into space goo?
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No! Well, yes.
Actually, it's pretty likely.
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How'd you know that?
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Because it's always
space goo with you.
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- Well, not just that.
- We should eat the eggs.
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Oh, these hook-covered,
evil-smelling
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pus sacks that just happen
to be the property
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- of my new best friend?
- But they make you feel amazing!
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Oh, God.
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But you didn't even
know we were out of food.
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So when did you
start eating those?
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Pretty much immediately.
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So, not to start
this off on the wrong foot,
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but I'm thinking
of eating your feet.
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When I said we had
to consider our options,
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- this is not what I meant.
- Well, I didn't hear
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anyone else suggesting anything.
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- Because you told me to shut up!
- And here you are, talking.
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I meant something that leaves
us with the right number of feet.
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Lana, it's offensive to call
it "the right number of feet"
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when those lacking limbs are
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- valuable members of society.
- Hey, yeah.
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It's also why you should
let me eat your feet.
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This seems productive.
Shouldn't you be scanning?
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I think Cyril's on that.
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- Not on that.
- And clean yourselves up.
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You go a few days without food,
and suddenly you look
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like a pack of Okies
matted with wet dirt.
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Uh, it's called mud,
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and why is it that you
don't care about starving?
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Oh, I've trained myself
to live on a liquid diet.
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I guess that's
the upside of having blood
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- that's basically formaldehyde.
- So you're essentially pre-embalmed.
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Okay, look, we're all hungry.
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Let's just calm down
and stop insulting Mother
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- until I think of a really good one.
- I'll mark my calendar.
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Oh, look... it's dreaming.
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Shouldn't we try eating these eggs?
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I mean, before
we drown in them?
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Not yet. Krieger says
they're loaded with all sorts
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00:09:31,783 --> 00:09:34,438
of crazy chemicals
and God knows what.
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- Pam seems okay.
- Does she?
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00:09:45,535 --> 00:09:47,581
Anyhoo, just hang tight.
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Krieger might have something soon.
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00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:51,846
And for God's sake,
show some restraint.
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I must be pretty hungry.
Now I'm hearing things.
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00:09:55,676 --> 00:09:57,460
- Uh, that's not imaginary.
- Good.
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00:09:57,504 --> 00:09:59,854
'Cause I was about
to kick my imagination's ass
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00:09:59,897 --> 00:10:02,683
for having terrible taste.
What is that?
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00:10:02,726 --> 00:10:05,903
Sounds like a piano
double-crossed the yakuza.
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00:10:09,753 --> 00:10:11,842
♪ Struck oil from the start ♪
201
00:10:11,885 --> 00:10:13,495
♪ But the real land
you stole was in my...♪
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00:10:13,539 --> 00:10:15,497
Please don't say "heart."
203
00:10:15,541 --> 00:10:18,022
Start-heart is the lyrical
equivalent of light beige.
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00:10:18,065 --> 00:10:19,676
What is all this here, then?
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00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,721
Hey, remember when
you said I was useless?
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00:10:21,765 --> 00:10:23,810
Honestly, no,
but it does sound like me.
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00:10:23,854 --> 00:10:25,029
"All this here then"
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00:10:25,072 --> 00:10:27,205
is me finally finding
my true purpose in life.
209
00:10:27,248 --> 00:10:28,902
Didn't you come out,
like, years ago?
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00:10:28,946 --> 00:10:30,861
Yeah, there's more to me
211
00:10:30,904 --> 00:10:32,732
- than my sexuality.
- Eh.
212
00:10:32,776 --> 00:10:34,995
For example, my love
of musical theater.
213
00:10:35,039 --> 00:10:36,910
And that's distinct from...
214
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,914
I'm writing what
I always dreamed of:
215
00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:44,048
A rock musical about
the Teapot Dome Scandal.
216
00:10:44,091 --> 00:10:46,441
- That is the worst idea...
- Let me finish!
217
00:10:46,485 --> 00:10:49,488
- With some hip-hop elements.
- I stand corrected.
218
00:10:49,531 --> 00:10:51,446
Please tell me it's not
called "Off the Dome."
219
00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,057
Why?
Do you not like that?
220
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,450
Well, I'm proud of you
for pursuing your dream.
221
00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:56,800
Thank you very much.
222
00:10:56,843 --> 00:11:01,239
But you sure seem to have a lot
of energy for a starving person.
223
00:11:01,282 --> 00:11:03,284
- Come on, where's your stash?
- Be more specific.
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00:11:03,328 --> 00:11:05,896
This room is basically
nothing but contraband.
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00:11:05,939 --> 00:11:08,376
- Your food stash.
- I don't have any.
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00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,727
I'm just filled with
a glowing sense of purpose.
227
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,816
Now, if you'll
leave me to my art,
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00:11:12,859 --> 00:11:15,732
I have to find a rhyme
with Mineral Leasing Act.
229
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:18,822
The Crédit Mobilier scandal
would be much more compelling.
230
00:11:18,865 --> 00:11:22,086
- You take that back.
- Oh, come on. Union Pacific Railroad...
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00:11:22,129 --> 00:11:24,741
one of the central guys
was named George Train.
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00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:27,613
- That writes itself.
- Nothing writes itself!
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00:11:27,657 --> 00:11:29,789
Don't listen to them.
234
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:31,965
Nothing but great calls, baby Ray.
235
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,710
- God, these eggs are dynamite.
- Neurological dynamite, that is.
236
00:11:37,754 --> 00:11:41,148
- Loaded with neurotransmitters.
- So what do they do?
237
00:11:41,192 --> 00:11:43,324
The human brain
is fiendishly complex.
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00:11:43,368 --> 00:11:46,763
It's all neurons and
electricity and mushy parts.
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00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,287
- So you don't know?
- We'd have to scan someone
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00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:50,767
while they ate one
for the first time.
241
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,988
- But that could cause anything.
- Define "anything."
242
00:11:55,032 --> 00:11:59,101
Hmm. Insanity, memory loss,
death, or a sexual syndrome
243
00:11:59,102 --> 00:12:01,952
called brainaphilia
that I just now invented.
244
00:12:01,995 --> 00:12:07,174
So testing on a live subject
would be totally unethical.
245
00:12:07,218 --> 00:12:11,396
- Let's use Cheryl.
- Wait, were we considering anything else?
246
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:16,836
- So, hitting the sauce pretty hard?
- It's not sauce.
247
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,404
- I didn't think it was literally...
- It's marinade.
248
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,754
Yeah. And that's how
that conversation ended.
249
00:12:21,798 --> 00:12:24,583
Hey, the map thingy says
that we're flying toward
250
00:12:24,626 --> 00:12:26,977
- the Fang Nebula.
- So it does.
251
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:29,022
Well, aren't there, like,
six overlapping wars
252
00:12:29,066 --> 00:12:30,197
going on there right now?
253
00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:32,547
Why do people
rob banks, Cheryl?
254
00:12:32,591 --> 00:12:34,245
If I'm remembering this right,
255
00:12:34,288 --> 00:12:37,248
it's because the action is the juice?
256
00:12:37,291 --> 00:12:39,424
Because that's
where the money is,
257
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,382
and if we're
looking for salvage,
258
00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:43,776
you fly into the teeth of chaos
259
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:49,086
- and howl at the shadow of death itself.
- So say we all.
260
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:51,785
Greetings, Rat Racers.
261
00:12:51,828 --> 00:12:54,222
How does it feel to follow
orders like robots,
262
00:12:54,265 --> 00:12:56,224
pawns in your own lives?
263
00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:59,357
- Cyril, what are you doing?
- Other than mixing metaphors
264
00:12:59,401 --> 00:13:01,882
into some kind
of smoothie-like paste.
265
00:13:01,925 --> 00:13:04,362
- As little as possible, muchacha.
- Why aren't you scanning?
266
00:13:04,406 --> 00:13:07,148
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Hold on.
267
00:13:08,410 --> 00:13:10,238
Yep, all clear.
268
00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:13,502
We're in deep space.
Nothing's ever on the scanner.
269
00:13:14,851 --> 00:13:18,159
It's all a scam to keep you busy
while they rob you of your freedom.
270
00:13:18,202 --> 00:13:21,336
Freedom to what, become
a human Jimmy Buffet B-side?
271
00:13:21,379 --> 00:13:25,449
- You mean awesome and underrated?
- No. Stop twisting my words.
272
00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:27,168
Lana, he's twisting my words.
273
00:13:27,211 --> 00:13:30,475
Can we just get to the point?
Cyril, did you find food?
274
00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,261
You bet I did.
Mmm, mmm.
275
00:13:33,304 --> 00:13:37,744
I came here to do two things:
eat eggs and nothing.
276
00:13:37,787 --> 00:13:41,661
And I'm not out of either.
Now get out.
277
00:13:43,010 --> 00:13:46,404
- What is going on?
- I know. Why am I in the hallway?
278
00:13:46,448 --> 00:13:47,797
No.
That's not what I was...
279
00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:49,364
Wait, did I just do what he said?
280
00:13:49,407 --> 00:13:52,846
Oh, no. He's the alpha.
He cares less than I do.
281
00:13:52,889 --> 00:13:55,762
I-I don't want to live
in a world where Cyril's cool.
282
00:13:55,805 --> 00:13:57,807
So, you're not worried
that our crew
283
00:13:57,851 --> 00:14:00,592
seems to be going insane
and/or starving?
284
00:14:00,636 --> 00:14:02,986
Listen to me, I'm talking
about something important.
285
00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:05,728
My intrinsic dominance
over other males.
286
00:14:05,772 --> 00:14:07,425
You think he'd let me groom him?
287
00:14:07,469 --> 00:14:08,775
It's something about those eggs.
288
00:14:08,818 --> 00:14:10,602
This might be
the starvation talking
289
00:14:10,646 --> 00:14:12,953
or the fact that I don't like
the looks of your feet,
290
00:14:12,996 --> 00:14:15,433
but maybe we should
just eat the eggs?
291
00:14:15,477 --> 00:14:18,567
Everyone's acting weird, but...
I guess they're not dead, right?
292
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:20,961
Yeah, so what's the worst
that could happen?
293
00:14:21,004 --> 00:14:22,963
Dot, dot, dot.
294
00:14:23,006 --> 00:14:25,966
How did this happen?
I hate you.
295
00:14:26,009 --> 00:14:27,315
Yeah, and I don't usually
have a thing
296
00:14:27,358 --> 00:14:29,491
- for older divorced ladies.
- Hey!
297
00:14:29,492 --> 00:14:32,102
I'm kidding. I totally have a
thing for older divorced ladies.
298
00:14:33,147 --> 00:14:34,452
Not all the time.
299
00:14:34,496 --> 00:14:35,976
It's like a...
What's the drink called?
300
00:14:36,019 --> 00:14:38,326
Like a drink you drink
between other drinks.
301
00:14:38,369 --> 00:14:43,244
- Like aperitif, but not.
- God, Cyril's gonna be pissed.
302
00:14:43,287 --> 00:14:45,202
Not digestif, that's after...
303
00:14:45,246 --> 00:14:47,248
wait, you're sleeping with Cyril?!
304
00:14:47,291 --> 00:14:49,772
- And why would you care?
- I don't know.
305
00:14:49,816 --> 00:14:53,558
I guess, deep down,
I s-still care what you do.
306
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,909
That's very slightly touching.
307
00:14:55,952 --> 00:14:59,608
I mean, you're my ex-wife, Lana.
What you do reflects back on me.
308
00:14:59,651 --> 00:15:02,785
Oh, this from the guy that
just called me an intermezzo.
309
00:15:02,829 --> 00:15:04,656
That's it!
"Intermezzo."
310
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:08,008
- That was really bothering me.
- This is a nightmare.
311
00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:10,924
Talking to you is like talking
to a very selfish rock
312
00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:14,014
- with mother issues.
- Rocks don't have moms.
313
00:15:14,057 --> 00:15:15,972
Unless you count volcanoes.
314
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,583
But speaking of things
that are hard as a rock...
315
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,629
Great segue.
That was pretty amazing, right?
316
00:15:20,672 --> 00:15:24,154
Unfortunately, yes.
Round two?
317
00:15:27,549 --> 00:15:29,725
Does it bother you
that it's watching us?
318
00:15:32,293 --> 00:15:33,685
Why?
319
00:15:37,925 --> 00:15:40,406
How long do you need?
320
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:42,834
After that sexual Iditarod?
321
00:15:43,627 --> 00:15:45,759
- Two minutes, 15 seconds.
- Should we maybe discuss
322
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:47,631
what's going on
with the ship and, uh,
323
00:15:47,674 --> 00:15:49,720
how we should
maybe do something about it?
324
00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:50,633
Now you've pushed it back
325
00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:53,375
to three with all that talk,
so might as well.
326
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,595
I just want to look at it.
327
00:15:55,639 --> 00:15:58,076
Oh, my God, what's that?
328
00:15:58,119 --> 00:16:00,600
Huh.
I-I guess it was nothing.
329
00:16:00,644 --> 00:16:01,906
Oh, put a sock in it, Benedict.
330
00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:03,995
You've fallen for that,
like, four times.
331
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:06,345
At some point, it is your fault.
332
00:16:06,388 --> 00:16:09,435
You're calling it... No.
I will not engage with that.
333
00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:11,568
Are you sure?
I've got a whole series of quips about it.
334
00:16:11,611 --> 00:16:14,005
We're under the influence
of something, right?
335
00:16:14,048 --> 00:16:16,660
I think we've just finally
discovered our true feelings.
336
00:16:16,703 --> 00:16:18,749
All the games can stop now.
337
00:16:18,792 --> 00:16:20,402
We're gonna be together forever.
338
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:25,799
Yeah, yeah, we're egg crazy.
339
00:16:25,843 --> 00:16:28,019
Which explains why
we're setting sex records
340
00:16:28,062 --> 00:16:31,805
in both frequency and duration
and probably distance,
341
00:16:31,849 --> 00:16:34,591
- if they measured sex in that.
- So let's go talk to Krieger,
342
00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:36,593
figure out a solution
to our starvation problem
343
00:16:36,636 --> 00:16:38,595
and then get rid of these eggs.
344
00:16:38,638 --> 00:16:41,815
- Or we could just have sex again?
- Yup, probably that.
345
00:16:46,211 --> 00:16:49,693
- Krieger, I command that you scan me.
- I already am.
346
00:16:49,736 --> 00:16:51,564
Because I command it.
All is well.
347
00:16:51,608 --> 00:16:53,610
Huh, same as Gillette and Cyril.
348
00:16:53,653 --> 00:16:54,719
Tough to see brain changes
349
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,048
with all the background egg
in your blood.
350
00:16:57,091 --> 00:16:58,832
This scanner sees through clothes.
351
00:16:58,876 --> 00:17:01,269
- Why are we in our underwear?
- Why indeed?
352
00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:02,836
I did it because Pam told me to.
353
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,492
- Hey, me too.
- Patton couldn't lift these nuts. Hooah!
354
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:09,364
My current hypothesis is
that these neurotransmitters
355
00:17:09,408 --> 00:17:10,627
free you from mental blocks
356
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,759
and let you pursue
your deepest wishes.
357
00:17:12,803 --> 00:17:15,022
- Leadership.
- Doing nothing.
358
00:17:15,066 --> 00:17:19,070
"Off the Dome."
And we're married to that title?
359
00:17:19,113 --> 00:17:21,072
Do you just live
in doorways now?
360
00:17:21,115 --> 00:17:23,465
Found this one nibbling
on a power cord.
361
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,642
What are you, part Mynock?
362
00:17:25,685 --> 00:17:28,862
No. I was just trying
to tenderize myself.
363
00:17:28,906 --> 00:17:30,081
Now who's stupid?
364
00:17:30,124 --> 00:17:32,470
Can't believe we were
so wrong about you.
365
00:17:32,505 --> 00:17:33,737
Cheryl, can you step in here
366
00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:37,424
- and put this in your mouth?
- Not gonna fall for that again.
367
00:17:37,654 --> 00:17:39,743
Damn it!
368
00:17:39,786 --> 00:17:41,832
- How do you feel?
- I don't feel any different.
369
00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:45,879
I mean, hmm, I kinda
want to blow up the ship,
370
00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:47,185
but I always want to do that.
371
00:17:47,228 --> 00:17:48,621
There goes your theory.
372
00:17:48,665 --> 00:17:50,536
No, I think
this actually confirms it.
373
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:53,844
Because she has no impulse control,
the eggs don't affect her.
374
00:17:53,887 --> 00:17:57,325
- That's totally unfair.
- Whuh-oh.
375
00:17:57,369 --> 00:17:59,850
Seems these eggs
are also highly addictive.
376
00:17:59,893 --> 00:18:00,981
- No, they're not.
- That's ridiculous.
377
00:18:01,025 --> 00:18:01,982
- What, these?
These eggs right here?
378
00:18:02,026 --> 00:18:05,551
Krieger, I think
it's time we took a walk.
379
00:18:05,595 --> 00:18:07,379
Ooh, I love secret plans.
380
00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:11,905
Oh, God.
381
00:18:11,949 --> 00:18:14,125
I just ejaculated dust,
382
00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:17,694
and I'm pretty sure it was
my own pulverized skeleton.
383
00:18:17,737 --> 00:18:21,045
- One more go?
- So, hey, guys.
384
00:18:21,088 --> 00:18:24,222
Ugh. I would act startled
but it would probably kill me.
385
00:18:24,265 --> 00:18:26,267
Turns out those eggs
are highly addictive
386
00:18:26,311 --> 00:18:28,139
and make you act out
your deepest desires.
387
00:18:28,182 --> 00:18:30,271
Yeah, that's kind of
where we came out on it.
388
00:18:30,315 --> 00:18:33,840
- So if you'll excuse us.
- Please, don't mind me.
389
00:18:33,884 --> 00:18:36,756
Do we mind? I mean,
I could go either way.
390
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,062
Yes, we mind.
391
00:18:38,105 --> 00:18:41,456
And I mind that this ship is
doomed if no one does their jobs.
392
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,835
Oh, come on, it's...
393
00:18:45,199 --> 00:18:47,114
- ...probably fine.
- But if this keeps up,
394
00:18:47,158 --> 00:18:48,725
we're probably
gonna die of chafing.
395
00:18:48,768 --> 00:18:50,901
Pam also locked the ship
onto a course
396
00:18:50,944 --> 00:18:53,033
for the Fang Nebula.
397
00:18:53,077 --> 00:18:55,166
♪ I am Wyoming, I am home ♪
398
00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,734
♪ I am America,
I'm Teapot Dome. ♪
399
00:18:57,777 --> 00:19:00,824
God, wow, that is
cask-strength ear poison,
400
00:19:00,867 --> 00:19:04,349
- but I'm still on the fence.
- Do you really want to live the rest
401
00:19:04,392 --> 00:19:07,744
of your short life in a world
where Cyril is cooler than you?
402
00:19:07,787 --> 00:19:09,789
We'll shoot the eggs into space.
403
00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:13,037
But only if you modify Benedict
so he stops laying eggs.
404
00:19:13,072 --> 00:19:14,794
He's my friend and he's staying.
405
00:19:14,838 --> 00:19:16,361
And I just realized
he's probably a she.
406
00:19:16,404 --> 00:19:17,928
There's no way for me
to know if I can even...
407
00:19:17,971 --> 00:19:19,973
He'll do it
or he goes in the recycler.
408
00:19:20,017 --> 00:19:21,932
But wait... what will we eat?
409
00:19:21,975 --> 00:19:23,847
I cobbled together a formula
from stuff on hand
410
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:25,283
and the regenerative DNA.
411
00:19:25,326 --> 00:19:27,981
It should provide enough
nutrients to get us to spaceport.
412
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:31,419
- Really? Space goo?
- No. It's more of a slurry.
413
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:34,379
Yeah, it's a goo.
414
00:19:36,773 --> 00:19:38,775
All right, that's the last of them.
415
00:19:38,818 --> 00:19:40,951
- Took you long enough.
- Not engaging. Not engaging.
416
00:19:41,995 --> 00:19:43,301
Engage, MF-ers.
417
00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:45,520
You'll touch that button
when I say so.
418
00:19:45,564 --> 00:19:47,392
And guess what?
I won't.
419
00:19:47,435 --> 00:19:49,568
- How did you find us?
- Uh, I tapped into
420
00:19:49,611 --> 00:19:51,396
the shipwide surveillance system.
421
00:19:51,439 --> 00:19:53,964
Which, by the way...
pretty pissed about.
422
00:19:54,007 --> 00:19:55,835
Look, we've got to get
rid of these eggs,
423
00:19:55,879 --> 00:19:57,315
and everything
will go back to normal.
424
00:19:57,358 --> 00:19:58,751
- No.
- Screw normal.
425
00:19:58,795 --> 00:20:01,145
You think I like being a courtesan
on a salvage ship?
426
00:20:01,188 --> 00:20:04,382
- I have a postgraduate degree.
- What's it called?
427
00:20:04,417 --> 00:20:07,206
- A Ph. Dong?
- That's what they call it!
428
00:20:07,241 --> 00:20:10,415
I just want to do nothing and
be happy and not get yelled at!
429
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:12,243
And I'm good at being a captain.
430
00:20:12,286 --> 00:20:15,250
I want to take some initiative
without this ding dong.
431
00:20:15,319 --> 00:20:16,682
- Hey!
- Not you.
432
00:20:16,726 --> 00:20:18,684
Doing his stupid plans.
433
00:20:18,728 --> 00:20:21,774
So, what I'm hearing is you
want Archer to be nicer or,
434
00:20:21,818 --> 00:20:25,647
alternatively, we can die in space,
as previously discussed.
435
00:20:26,648 --> 00:20:29,216
I'm thinking.
Ow, fine.
436
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:31,566
Jesus, your knuckles
are like filberts.
437
00:20:31,610 --> 00:20:33,220
- Well, don't worry about food, because I...
- Christ.
438
00:20:33,264 --> 00:20:34,221
- Yup.
- You made space goo.
439
00:20:34,265 --> 00:20:35,606
- Space goo.
- Space goo.
440
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:38,106
- Aw, my moment.
- Oh, my God!
441
00:20:38,135 --> 00:20:39,618
- Oh! Come on, man!
- Oh, the stench!
442
00:20:39,653 --> 00:20:41,925
What'd you use to make it...
human waste and garbage?
443
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:45,015
- Hmm, not just that.
- Okay, I'm back on the egg side.
444
00:20:45,058 --> 00:20:46,190
Seriously? What about...
445
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:48,845
Wow. Okay.
That is powerful.
446
00:20:48,888 --> 00:20:51,586
- Cork it, electro-nuts.
- Whew.
447
00:20:51,630 --> 00:20:53,588
L-Look, we're all happy.
448
00:20:53,632 --> 00:20:57,592
Yes, maybe it's a shortcut, but
don't we deserve that once in a while?
449
00:20:57,636 --> 00:21:00,030
Isn't it nice just to be together?
450
00:21:00,073 --> 00:21:01,858
To not worry about the future?
451
00:21:01,901 --> 00:21:05,165
Call it an intermezzo,
but maybe it's worth it?
452
00:21:05,209 --> 00:21:07,037
Ah, that was beautiful.
453
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,214
But no, I will not gorge myself
on a highly addictive substance
454
00:21:10,257 --> 00:21:13,652
while we drift into a war zone while
listening to a shitty rock musical,
455
00:21:13,695 --> 00:21:16,046
because it's insane and we will die.
456
00:21:18,657 --> 00:21:20,485
- Seize her.
- No, no, no...
457
00:21:20,528 --> 00:21:23,183
- No, no, no, wait!
- Hey, guys.
458
00:21:23,227 --> 00:21:27,057
Remember when you were happy?
459
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:29,233
No!
460
00:21:35,935 --> 00:21:37,763
- Why did you do that?!
- It turns out the eggs
461
00:21:37,807 --> 00:21:39,721
did unleash my deepest desire.
462
00:21:39,765 --> 00:21:41,898
It's to make you all miserable.
463
00:21:43,508 --> 00:21:45,118
Warning:
unknown vessel approaching.
464
00:21:45,162 --> 00:21:48,844
Cyril, what did we say about
the scanner, you colossal turd?
465
00:21:48,879 --> 00:21:52,435
- Hey, you said you'd be nicer to me.
- I never agreed to that.
466
00:21:52,470 --> 00:21:55,684
- Yes, you did.
- I obviously didn't mean it, Lana.
467
00:21:57,043 --> 00:21:59,698
Well, we're all gonna die.
468
00:21:59,741 --> 00:22:01,569
- Thanks, Lana.
- How is this my fault?
469
00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:05,008
I don't know,
but it feels good to say that.
470
00:22:05,051 --> 00:22:07,227
Hey, guys, it's Captain Brett!
471
00:22:07,271 --> 00:22:09,447
Yeah, I've been tracking
you guys for a while,
472
00:22:09,490 --> 00:22:12,145
and I thought you guys
might need some supplies.
473
00:22:13,494 --> 00:22:15,105
Wait, wait, wait, wait...
how do we know it's Brett?
474
00:22:15,148 --> 00:22:20,023
Ooh, hold on guys, I'm getting
something weird on my scanner here.
475
00:22:20,066 --> 00:22:21,763
Yeah, what are those?
476
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:23,678
Oh, no. No, no!
477
00:22:23,722 --> 00:22:27,552
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Nooo!
478
00:22:35,865 --> 00:22:39,478
Yep, th-that was Brett.
479
00:22:41,258 --> 00:22:45,753
sync & correction by f1nc0
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