So, again I just wanted on record
I'm 100% against this.
Aw, you're 100% against everything cool.
No, I'm not. Shut up.
- Like what? - Um, Ranch Tub.
- Oh, for the... - Come on, man.
Everybody was against Ranch Tub!
Seriously, Pam, quit trying to make Ranch Tub happen.
Do I even want to know what that is?
Only if you never want to eat ranch again.
- I meant ranch. - What?
That's a food? It's not important.
- I wouldn't go that far. - Can we
- please... - Cyril, shut up. - Seriously.
Come on, if we're gonna do this, let's do it already.
We're sitting ducks with you two out there.
- Well, whose fault is that? - What? Yours!
You made us stop on the way to Earth for the damn thing.
Exactly, and everybody remember that
when it's time to divvy it up.
Do you think it's worth anything?
Hmm, hard to say.
I've never seen anything like it.
So you just jam it with my new pen?
This is new, this pen right here?
Yes, as a matter...
- You know... - Ooh.
Maybe it's ambergris.
How could it be ambergris?
If a whale puked it up, duh.
Oh, a space whale?
I don't know all the types of whale!
And yet somehow you know about ambergr...
Oh, maybe its mithril!
Is that some other food?
No! And it's not mithril.
Just checking.
Whatever the hell it is, just box it up
and let's go already!
All right! Jesus!
So what do you think, Cyril?
About what?
Is it firm enough to shove in the box?
Nobody?
What, like "space phrasing"?
No. Never mind.
*ARCHER * Season 10 Episode 08 Episode Title :"1999: Cubert"
And radiation levels are...
normal... across the spectrum.
Well, keep testing. Radiation's just one danger.
That thing could be carrying deadly bacteria
- or some kind of virus. - First of all-
Bacteria and virus are the same thing, dummy.
- No, they're not. - Shut up.
- Krieger? - They are not.
Oh, well, what am I thinking of?
Space whores, presumably.
Well, right then, I was, but...
Hey, nobody gets out of there until I'm sure
that thing's not a hazard to the ship,
so the longer you dick around,
the longer you're gonna stay in quarantine.
- Any questions? - What the...
Yeah, are you doinks done yet?
'Cause I wanna check that crazy thing out.
- Pam! - What?
You just broke quarantine, dumb-ass.
So if there's anything deadly on it,
now the entire ship's infected.
Yeah, but you wouldn't have been.
- What? - Helmet, genius.
God damn it.
I'm gonna call him Cubert!
Okay, that was the last test.
And I can confidently say that the object poses
no nuclear, chemical, or biological threat
to the ship or crew.
Not that we could've done anything about itif it did,
- thanks to Pam. - You are welcome.
Hey, can we take a second?
Isn't it crazy that that little scanner
can do all those wildly different tests?
- I mean, come on. - Yeah, pretty great.
Yes, hooray for everything. Now, what's it worth?
Well, that, I can't say.
I don't even know what elements it's made of...
Assuming they're even known to us.
I'll have to do many more tests to...
Ooh, here's a test.
Cut the damn thing open and...
Whoa, hey!
- Cool! - Holy shit! It's magnetic!
No, I don't think so.
There's metal all over the place in here, so...
Oh, my God! Our fillings!
What are you talking about?
A, fillings are nonferrous, so...
So...
So even if it were magnetic...
It's not gonna eat your damn fillings.
But I don't think it is a magnet.
- See? - Well, then how...
Okay, um, pick up another scalpel.
- And? - Huh.
Well, I had a theory...
Damn it, woman! If you don't...
- Ah! - Oh, shit.
Ahem!
That it was reacting to a weapon.
Then let's kill it! Kill it!
Kill it before...
Whoa! Aah!
- Oh, shit. - Uh...
Hmm, or maybejust aggression.
- What? - Huh.
Come on, you're saying it can read our emotions?
I'm not saying anything... yet.
- How 'bout now? - Oh, no.
Sorry, need to do a whole bigseries of tests before I can...
- Huh, still interrupting. - Typical.
But we should probably... uh...
Carol, come on. Let's get out of there.
Wow, that's...
Somebody give me a hand here. I can help.
Somebody strong.
Ready?
I mean... I mean, that's crazy, right?
All right, Jesus. I'm doing it.
- Okay, Pam, you're up. - Mmkay.
One, two, three, go.
Son of a...
Go!
I just thought of something.
Oh, my God, if you say "Ranch Tub"...
No, shut up. Look,
I can bench, like, 500 kilos,
so I can keep pulling on her, but...
Eventually something's gotta give.
Like her birdy little neck bones.
Because whatever this thing is,
I mean, it's obviously supernatural.
Well, since when is it supernatural?
- Well, it's not a magnet. - Oh, come on.
So those are our only two options,
ghosts or magnets?
- I mean... - Oh, come on.
This is just some bullshit of yours
to put off going back to Earth.
What?
So, so what, Lana, I conjured up
some kind of... telepathic ghost cube?
I didn't say you conjured it up, dickwrap.
I said that...
Huh.
Well, I hope you're all...
Jeezy Petes.
- Happy. - Is she breathing?
- No. - So she's...
- I mean... - Oh!
If only we had access to some sort of device
which could tell us!
Krieger! What's that?
Oh, right, the scanner! Doy.
Hang on, let me reset it for...
Are you okay?
- I think so. - What was it like?
- What did you see? - I don't know. It...
I can't explain it.
Oh, my God!
- What? - I just remembered.
- Remembered what? - I don't even have fillings.
So that whole time you're in there,
you didn't see anything?
No, I mean, it's hard to explain.
It was kind of like I was nothing...
and everything.
If that makes any sense.
About as much as what normally
comes out of your mouth.
And speaking of your mouth...
What about it?
You're really packing it away there.
Um, I'm hungry. Sue me.
I will if it turns out you ate
all the priceless filling out of that cube.
Oh, my God.
What?
Pointless.
You really think it's worth something?
It's gotta be,
I mean, to somebody.
And whom might that somebody be?
Well, obviously we need to do some market research,
but it's... I-t's gone.
- What? - Gone? - Wait, what?
- What are you doing? - What's the matter?
Hey, the food ain't that bad, baby.
What's wrong? Are you choking?
- Typical. - W-w-w-what's the matter?
- This is serious. - Get a spoon in her!
Space phrasing!
No. Plus, that's a collectible!
Get that spoon in her!
I'm trying.
- Oh, God. - Ugh!
- Gross. - What the shit with the spoon?
- I... - We thought you were...
What, "She's choking, so let's shove
a goddamn spoon down her throat"?
- Yeah, Cyril. - Hey, you know what?
I know the stupid cube is gone.
- Yeah. - Yeah, what happened?
Yeah, what the shit, Krieger?
It was right here on... well, six inches above the table.
I needed some more sterilizing wipes, so I...
Why would you need sterilizing wipes?
- I... - Oh, Krieger, buddy.
Please tell me you didn't try
to have sexwith the ghost cube.
- Krieger! - That's nasty, Krieger!
Ew! - No, of course I didn't.
We can check the security footage.
There isn't any. The camera was off.
Oh, how convenient.
I did not have sex with the cube.
Because first of all, with what?
Oh, okay, okay.
You wanna make your stupid little Ken Doll jokes?
Would they be warranted?
- I... - Focus, people.
There's a million credits' worth
of ghost cube missing.
What happened, Ken?
As I was saying...
I needed more sterilizing wipes.
I need more sterilizing wipes.
So I walked out the door, and after it closed behind me,
I keyed in the alphanumeric code
to lock it.
I walked down to the supply room,
got the wipes, and walked back.
I keyed in the code to unlock the afore mentioned door.
I walked in...
What the...
The cube was gone.
So obviously one of you took it.
- No, we did not! - That's bullshit.
Nobody took your new girlfriend.
Yeah, plus, we were all together in the mess, so...
So how did it leave a locked room?
Plenty of ways.
Here, hold this.
All right, let's go find that thing.
And let's all split up.
We can cover a lot more ground that way.
So individually go bumbling around this big ole spaceship
looking for a ghost.
To bumble or notis up to you,
but whoever finds it gets to keep it.
- Wait, what? Findies keepies!
- Wait a minute, what? - Huh?
- Out of my way! - No, no, no, no!
Get out of my way! No!
And bumble it is.
- Get out of my way, meat-head. - I saw it first!
Wait a minute.
Now, look, before you all go running off half-cocked...
Krieger, we don't have time to pile on you
with a bunch of no-dick jokes.
I knew it right when I said it.
- I call bridge! - Well, I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not. - Uh...
well, then I-I get the crew quarters.
You better not go in my boudoir.
Okay, I call dibson the... aah!
- Dibs on them ribs, sucka! - Oh, holy shit.
That really hurt.
Well, if you think that hurt...
That's disconcerting.
Yeah, ya think?
Yes.
I said no, God damn it!
- Get out! - Hey!
I won't have you manhandling
my beautiful things.
Well, how do I know it's not in there?
- Because we said so. - Who's "we"?
Is that supposed to be funny?
Hope it was his dick.
Right in the foot! - Eh.
Any luck? - No, Lana.
And this is my area, so...
So...
So... so talk about space whores, huh?
- Excuse me? - I, um...
Uh, nothing. Uh, ne... never mind.
I'll never your mind.
Um, airball.
I'll... air your balls.
Yeah, yeah, you will.
God damn it!
Holy shit, I think I'm seeing things.
I maybe need to get some sleep, huh?
Or at least my balls aired out.
Yeah, right?
- Hey. - Who the hell are you, man?
What are you... I'm TV's Michael Gray.
TV's Michael Gray who?
Uh, TV's Michael Gray says quit being a dick
and open the door?
Seriously, quit being a dick.
Okay, um, h-hang on.
Okay, on three. Ready?
Can we not do it on one?
Shut up, okay.
One...
two!
Disconcerting.
Michael.
TV's Michael Gray.
Mikey-Mike, where are you?
Who the hell's Mikey-Mike?
Exactly, that's what I'm...
'Cause you think he'd like some of this?
What? No.
Stop that. What... what are you doing?
I'm hungry. Sue me.
And then get up to the bridge.
Her Lanaship has some big announcement.
Whoa, what, did somebody find it?
Find what?
What cube?
Mother, I am extremely not in the mood,
so seriously, where is it?
You mean like an ice cube or something in a Rubik...
- Quit dicking around already! - Hey, whoa.
I'm talking about the mysterious
and possibly haunted ghost cube
that Carol got her head stuck in.
I think I'd remember that.
And I'd be the first one to believe
she got her head stuck in something.
- Thank you. - But you are just
sounding insane.
You sound insane! All of you!
Oh, oh, and I all know what you're trying to do.
You wanna
maybe walk us through that?
Oh, my God.
I know somebody found the cube
and that it's findies keepies.
You mean finders keepers.
But don't stand there and lie to me.
- Nobody's... - Plus, you dressing
- like a whore? - Excuse me?
- And how is Cyril's foot okay? - Uh, what, now?
You got shot in the foot, asshole.
And, oh, my God, TV's Michael Gray?
- TV's Michael who? - Huh?
All right.
I don't know if you got in the meds locker
or if this is just the onset of tertiary syphilis, but...
He better not have syphilis.
Why had he better not have syphilis?
I... wh... because syphilis is bad, dude.
Listen to me, God damn it!
- Oh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, - Easy!
whoa, man.
And speaking of meds,
don't you think you could use a bit of a... relaxer?
- No! - Oh, now...
Krieger, don't you have something to take the edge off?
As a matter of fact...
You and your pills keep away from me, you...
You dickless fish!
- Wha... - He's got a gun!
Sterling!
Sterling, look at me.
Now, I don't knowwhat's wrong,
but I promise you, whatever it is, we'll fix it.
But first you have to trust us.
- Oh, no. - Suit yourself.
- Krieger? - Yep, yep, yep!
No, no, no, no...
You dick.
Jesus!
All right.
Krieger, take him down to the med lab
and try to find out what in the hell's the matter with him.
Him? What about me?
We know what's wrong with you.
Yeah, foot hole.
Well?
Well, it's really kind of weird.
Uh, no shit.
The scanner shows normal vitals
and doesn't show anything
physically or neurologically unusual.
No drugs in his system and...
just what I assume is a therapeutic level of bourbon.
And... no syphilis?
No venereal disease of any kind.
Or judgment, by the way.
- Don't care. - Eh.
How does that thing know all that?
I know. Pretty great.
All right, keep scanning or whatever,
and keep him down here
until you find out what's wrong with him.
My therapeutic levels are low.
And I could actually use some sterilizing wipes.
I'll bet. Keep an eye on him?
Mm-hmm.
Uh... hello?
Is there a reason you locked the door from the outside?
Krieger? Hello?
Super.
- Is it? - Oh!
Jesus Christ, Archer!
What are you doing? You scared the shit out of me!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well...
what'd ya expect, nerfnuts?
It's alcohol. It's gonna hurt.
Well, if you think that hurt...
Yes! Yes, I do think it hurt!
You'd better not be wasting that.
Um, guess it kind of dependson how you mean.
I mean, we've really only got
two options here, Lana.
One is that this is all some sort of ruse,
and the other is that I'm crazy.
You're kind of acting crazy.
I don't think I'm acting crazy.
That's kind of one of the symptoms.
Ah, the old catch-21.
21, 22, whatever it takes.
Ow! Shit!
Jesus Christ, you are crazy!
Yeah? Would a crazy person do this?
No, no, no, no, wait!
- Oof. - Yes.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey, what the...
mergency.
Med lab.
What emergency?
Well, it has been almost a minute
since Archer got some attention.
You're just a mess.
Holy shit! Look!
Oh, my God! Come on!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Argh!
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on!
Why the hell is it so long?
- Space phrasing. - That's just how it comes!
- Twofer. - Oh, my God,
just reset it, Dr. Science!
Will you shut up?
If I mess up, I have to start all over again!
Sterling, stop!
Do you hear me?
Stop it this instant!
What are you doing?
My frickin' tit!
Sterling!
A Tennessee titty twister?
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa!
Well, how do ya likethese titties?
Lana? Are you all right?
I...
I think so.
Ugh, my magazine's not.
- Shut up. - And, Pam, Gillette...
throw his ass in the brig.
Yeah, well...
I guess we'll see about that!
Huh?
Pfff. The brig.
Like, where do they get off?
They're the ones running around, changing clothes
and shooting people in the neckwith darts
and... eating perfectly good magazines.
You know? I mean, that's crazy.
I mean, right?
- Yes, sir. - Yeah.
Thank you.Mmm.
God, that's good.
Wait, are... are... are you supposed to be here?
No, sir.
Huh. Now, that's disconcerting.
Yes, sir.
Corrections done by srjanapala
Made in Georgia.