1 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,315 man: 2 00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:29,162 Just give it up, Fabian. 3 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,732 man: 4 00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:44,011 Ow! 5 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,312 Aww, man. 6 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,349 Dang it. This was my year 7 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,084 for the Agent Skills Competition. 8 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,086 I put it on my vision board and everything. 9 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,489 - Next to the sunset? - Above the sunset. 10 00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,524 Wow. I can't believe that didn't work. 11 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,459 Well, maybe next time-- and I know this sounds crazy-- 12 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,161 you could try not sucking. 13 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,163 Well, you don't have to be a dick about it. 14 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,431 Have to? No. 15 00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,033 But then I wouldn't be able to tell you 16 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,367 that the Treaty of Versailles called, 17 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,403 and it wants its total failure to achieve any 18 00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:11,004 of its stated goals back. 19 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,573 Also, it's sorry about Europe. 20 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:15,709 Well, if you're so great, why is your intel so bad? 21 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,544 My name's not Fabian. 22 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,580 Oh, I know that. That's my boss's name. 23 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,281 Yelling it gets me in the mood to shoot people 24 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,716 that I pretend are him. 25 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,518 - Well, you got lucky. - Sure. 26 00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:26,386 Though, in a mirror maze, maybe consider 27 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,789 not putting on a gallon of cologne that smells like... 28 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,258 Gasoline and decaying hobo foot. 29 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:33,694 Ow. 30 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:37,364 Now what was that for? - You're still wearing it. 31 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,238 Hello, Clandesti-con, 32 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,674 where spying meets sweaty buffet food. 33 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,576 Who wants a brochure for IIA, 34 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:25,279 the soulless company that is making us do this? 35 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,681 Come on, Lana. Let's have some fun with it. 36 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,550 We'll take these lemons and make-- 37 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:32,019 Concentrated citric acid to spray in our own eyes? 38 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,387 I have some in my purse if you need it. 39 00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:35,789 This isn't so bad. When I temped at IIA, 40 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,091 they were trying to increase productivity, 41 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,460 so they docked your pay if you peed more than twice a day. 42 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,763 Ugh. I hate this company. 43 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,332 Nice job in the competition, Archer. 44 00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:48,535 Though calling your opponent "Fabian" raised eyebrows. 45 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,204 These two specifically. 46 00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:52,206 Well, despite the fact that you're praising me, 47 00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:53,540 which makes it nearly impossible for me 48 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,376 to not like you, I still definitely wanna murder you. 49 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,712 Today is a crucial day for all of you. 50 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,647 We are launching The Agency 51 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:04,218 as a distinct boutique branch of IIA. 52 00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,652 Wait, really? We'll have autonomy? 53 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:09,590 Yes. Exactly as much autonomy as Kermit the Frog. 54 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,159 Yo, you think Miss Piggy is abusing him? 55 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,027 I know she plays rough, but-- 56 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,596 I get the feeling he enjoys it. 57 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,798 Who wouldn't? Roughed up by a pig in jewelry. 58 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,601 No. I mean you'll be a thin piece of fabric 59 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,569 with my hand up your ass. 60 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,371 Where's your sense of wonder? 61 00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:28,275 IIA represents 60% of private spying, 62 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:31,111 but some clients are too mired in the past. 63 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:34,381 They want a personal touch. Authenticity. 64 00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,583 That's what you lot are for-- to fake that. 65 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,620 So pretend we're independent to make IIA more successful 66 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,189 and allow you to ruthlessly exploit us. 67 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,491 Welcome to the concept of a job. 68 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:48,095 Now, I'm giving the keynote for the conference later today: 69 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:51,198 a speech entitled "Leadership as a Network." 70 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,066 You can't just say "noun as a different noun" 71 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,401 and pretend that it means something. 72 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,471 Sure I can. I call it "language as a weapon." 73 00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:59,139 Now, Archer, you need to win 74 00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:00,674 the Agent Skills Competition 75 00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,343 if we're going to launch The Agency properly. 76 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,479 By the way, the board hates the idea. 77 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,247 They'd rather you were completely broken up 78 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,749 and redistributed. 79 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,151 So, Archer, our fate is in your hands. 80 00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,654 - Well, sayonara, guys. - Oh, boy. 81 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,722 You know what? I'll be honest with you. 82 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:19,026 That's a responsibility I take very seriously. 83 00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,597 Round of Glengoolie Blues, please. 84 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,133 I'm looking for one of you 85 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,101 to take the mantle of leadership. 86 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,038 Under me, of course. So dot, dot, dot. 87 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,773 Are the dots supposed to make me love stickers? 88 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,741 Damn it! I should be in the competition with Archer! 89 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,110 No, Lana. I need you here, 90 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,345 front and center. 91 00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:39,646 And don't be afraid to get out there 92 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,715 and really be diverse. 93 00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:44,084 Remember, a personal touch. 94 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,419 - You heard him, sweetheart. 95 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,787 A personal touch. 96 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,655 Hey, would you like some stickers? 97 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,757 They're edible. - They don't look edible. 98 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,759 Anything's edible if you try hard enough. 99 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,095 - - Aww, lucky. 100 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,663 Should we do something? 101 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,765 Like make popcorn? Or what? 102 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,535 - - Now where is she going? 103 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,507 I think you got me. 104 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:09,209 See? You just get me. I do feel a responsibility 105 00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:10,744 to keep my mother's legacy alive, 106 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:13,547 but on the other hand, now I don't have to worry about being 107 00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,049 yelled at by the one person in the world who scares me. 108 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:19,553 So do I go with responsibility, or do I go balls to the wall? 109 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,522 Or, more accurately, balls to the wall 110 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,690 then through that wall into an adjoining wall 111 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,192 that's probably load-bearing. 112 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,364 So...which is it? 113 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:33,600 I'm thinking. 114 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,537 Robert: I thought that was you, Lana. 115 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,672 Finally. - Robert? What the hell? 116 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,607 Did you just fly all the way to Dubai 117 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,010 to hear me say, "Talk to my divorce lawyer?" 118 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,412 Yes. And was on the way to Abu Dhabi. 119 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:48,215 Now, I get that I'm the one who's mostly at fault here-- 120 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,517 - Mostly? - But you aren't blameless. 121 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,686 And we need to think about what's best for AJ. 122 00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:55,122 Oh-ho-ho. Is that why you nailed that skank? 123 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,457 For AJ? What, were you looking for a parenting book 124 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,759 between her piss flaps? 125 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,128 No. That's not where they keep those. 126 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,129 What are you even worried about? 127 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,363 We signed a prenup. 128 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,132 Well, there is the issue of custody. 129 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,600 Excuse me? 130 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,235 I'm just being realistic. 131 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,537 It was your job that got AJ kidnapped. 132 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:13,640 To a judge, that sounds like an unsafe environment. 133 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,375 And if they put AJ on the stand, 134 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:18,645 are you 100% sure she chooses you? 135 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,480 Why do you have teeth marks on your elbow? 136 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,583 I'll show you. Do you like stickers? 137 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,518 I'm sensing you need space. 138 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,054 - What? - Shouldn't you be 139 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,222 back at the booth? 140 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,290 No, because what I do is kick ass. 141 00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:32,092 And I should be in the competition 142 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:35,095 so I can take over when Archer screws up. 143 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:38,265 Come, now. Archer is reliable when he needs to be. 144 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,267 He's resting right now for his next round. 145 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,270 Uh, did he specify the type of round? 146 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,505 Archer: Whoo-hoo! 147 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,778 I'm not totally convinced that's a downside. 148 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:56,116 It's like his liver absorbs alcohol and excretes luck. 149 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,652 Having said that, you can stay in the competition. 150 00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:00,320 Thank you. I was going to anyway, 151 00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:01,522 you absolute turd. 152 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,524 But thank you. 153 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,459 Archer: The competition is basically a formality. 154 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,761 I'm generally considered the world's greatest spy. 155 00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,297 Yes. You absolutely were. 156 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:13,333 You know, I used to be a spy just like you. 157 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,435 Oh, who'd you spy for, the Etruscans? 158 00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,070 Hmm. Indeed. 159 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:20,073 In this biz, one minute, you're the greatest thing 160 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,042 since the 3:00 p. m. dinner special, 161 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,411 and the next, dog shit on a bun. 162 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,614 My advice? Buy mustard, lad. 163 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,250 Why would I buy mustard to eat myself? 164 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:33,020 So you think about that. 165 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,088 Ugh. Why are you in such a great mood? 166 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,491 Why don't you ask your face? 167 00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,227 My face says Robert's gonna fight for custody of AJ. 168 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,461 Um, can he do that? 169 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,729 Well, when you have that much money, 170 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,364 turns out you can pretty much do anything. 171 00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:45,666 Why is AJ not picking up? 172 00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,601 A kid not picking up a phone call? 173 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,137 Weird. Did you try her telegraph? 174 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,739 Or lighting the signal fires of Gondor? 175 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,709 Why is everything so complicated? 176 00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:58,312 Because you're divorcing one of the world's richest men- 177 00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:01,148 slash-ex-boss who wants custody of the daughter you had 178 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:03,383 with a different coworker. - Well, sure, but-- 179 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,385 All while you work for a corporate behemoth 180 00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,287 that seems to be trying to take over the world. 181 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:10,090 Yes. All of that. I guess. 182 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,593 Well, I discovered the answer to all those problems, Lana. 183 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,595 It's simple, it's easy, 184 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,497 and it's right at the bottom of this glass. 185 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,801 Well, it wasn't at the bottom of that one, 186 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,136 But I'm no quitter. 187 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,272 Behold, an audio bug. 188 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,708 Ooh. 189 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:31,645 And that's all it does. The wonders of IIA science. 190 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,248 A microphone. Truly groundbreaking-- 191 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,517 for 1876. 192 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,619 Hey, what's that new one you're working on called? 193 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:41,154 The wheel? 194 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,456 Got 'em good, Ikari. 195 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,291 I am working on something called The Wheel! 196 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,226 But it's a sex thing... 197 00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:49,696 that I can't build at work. And you call that justice? 198 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,265 Okay, look, I get it. 199 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:54,201 IIA might not be the "cool upstart rebel," 200 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,636 but this ain't "The Breakfast Club," 201 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,172 and Judd Nelson doesn't end up with Molly Ringwald. 202 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,574 He ends up at the bottom of a lake wearing concrete shoes 203 00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,476 with my frickin' initials on them. 204 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,578 That's the power of IIA with The Agency 205 00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,246 as your personal concierge. 206 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,115 I'm intrigued. 207 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,150 And tell them Ray Gillette sent you. 208 00:09:10,184 --> 00:09:12,452 Wh--stealing my customers? Really? 209 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,188 You think that'll get you Mallory's chair? 210 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,322 All's fair in love and-- 211 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,723 Ow! - Ahh! 212 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,325 - Damn it! - 213 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,560 Where the hell'd you come from? 214 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:22,596 A good leader always keeps tabs on his team. 215 00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:24,498 So spying on us? 216 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,567 How is it that passing out brochures 217 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,235 is somehow beyond you? 218 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,170 And why are you standing there nodding? 219 00:09:30,204 --> 00:09:32,139 I said I wanted leadership. 220 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,141 You look like a bobblehead they give away 221 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,677 to raise awareness for diabetic librarians. 222 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,246 Technically, I'm prediabetic. 223 00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,583 Oh, what are we gonna do about that guy? 224 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,151 Complain and then nothing? 225 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,719 This is fun. Ask me another one. 226 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,355 Here's some fun. I just put a bug on Fabian. 227 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:49,723 If we get dirt on him, 228 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,292 maybe then he'll approve my design for the gun bomb. 229 00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:54,328 You see, it looks like a gun-- 230 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,230 Or improve working conditions. 231 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,099 Yeah. We were promised curated snacks. 232 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:02,035 At this point, your blood's just melted Otter Pops, huh? 233 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,637 Well, you guys have fun. 234 00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:06,640 I'm off to find the best part about every convention: 235 00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:08,408 the party room. 236 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:11,745 Oh, if Fabian comes back, tell him he can gnaw on my chode. 237 00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:16,250 Yeah, I'm not gonna tell him that. 238 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,553 Come on. Let's hear some bottles popping, 239 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,389 maybe some fun squishy noises. 240 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,625 Whoa. Now, that's contraband. 241 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:29,463 Not following you. I'm not following you. 242 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,698 Just checking stuff out. 243 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,136 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 244 00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:39,640 Who's ready to Pam-page? 245 00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,443 Oh. Wrong party. 246 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,112 Hey, get her! 247 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:53,120 I need to party at work more often. 248 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,589 We are gonna crush this next event. 249 00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,057 Whoa. Lana. 250 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:58,258 High-fiving is one of those things 251 00:10:58,292 --> 00:11:00,027 you should never do when drunk, 252 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,629 like bomb disposal or helping deliver a baby. 253 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,298 Haven't you done both of those? 254 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,599 That's how I know. 255 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,401 All right. Now, nobody worry, 256 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,269 'cause Archer and I have been resting-- 257 00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:10,504 - Ahh! - Shit! 258 00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,472 Guys, there was a room. 259 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,308 Guns--lots. 260 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,009 Like, they're probably coming. 261 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,311 Kind of sounds like you're coming. 262 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,446 Kaboom! That's a new thing I do. 263 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,415 No, you don't. And it doesn't even sound like that. 264 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,584 - How would you know? - Solid burn. 265 00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,552 But Pam, look at the security here. 266 00:11:25,586 --> 00:11:26,687 They don't allow guns on the floor, 267 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,255 so what would they even do? 268 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,623 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, guys. 269 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,059 Something's happening with Fabian. 270 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,461 No! You'll pay for this! 271 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,530 You'll never take me alive! 272 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,367 Okay, so you took me alive. 273 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,237 So, uh...what? 274 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,210 Okay, now that we've had a moment to process--what? 275 00:11:50,244 --> 00:11:52,045 Why are they kidnapping him? 276 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,748 They're probably trying to humiliate IIA. 277 00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,350 It's right before his speech, 278 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,051 so they'll have to admit he's kidnapped, 279 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,486 and if they can't protect their own, 280 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,154 then how are they gonna protect you? 281 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,724 Then they parade him, and then they kill him. 282 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,225 What? We were all thinking it. 283 00:12:05,259 --> 00:12:07,261 Does this solve everything? 284 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:09,563 Yeah, except he said that the board would break us up 285 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,365 and redistribute us. 286 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,201 Wait, are we actually gonna save Fabian? 287 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,103 No. We're gonna save Fabian. 288 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,038 You two have to win that competition. 289 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,673 We still need a splash for The Agency. 290 00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,041 Plus if you dropped out, 291 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,409 the kidnappers will know something's up. 292 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,012 Ugh. I really wish I hadn't had that many drinks. 293 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,580 Me too, but the opposite. 294 00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:29,283 So what's your next event? 295 00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,252 woman: Nearing the drop zone. 296 00:12:32,286 --> 00:12:34,721 If you are to die, please take comfort in the fact 297 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,224 that it will not upset me at all. 298 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,627 Ugh. Oh, I'm gonna puke. 299 00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:43,564 Wow. Is it Dartmouth freshman orientation already? 300 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,566 Seriously, if you were any more of a lightweight, 301 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,067 you'd be levitating. 302 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,368 Should we be, like... 303 00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:50,070 More concerned about this Fabian thing? 304 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,206 Nah. The rest of the gang is on it. 305 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,675 - Well, we could-- 306 00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:57,077 Ooh, or we could, um... 307 00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:00,614 I hate to ask, but who got kidnapped again? 308 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,449 Still no call back from AJ. 309 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,484 Okay, I'll just text her and tell her that I'll take her out 310 00:13:04,518 --> 00:13:05,719 this weekend and do whatever she wants. 311 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,454 Wrong. 312 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,289 You just demanded more time from her, 313 00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:10,657 and now she just resents you. 314 00:13:10,691 --> 00:13:12,359 Text her that you were just thinking of her 315 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,660 and how proud you are. 316 00:13:13,694 --> 00:13:15,629 Then write, "No need to respond." 317 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,197 How do you know this stuff? 318 00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:18,565 It helps that I've never moved 319 00:13:18,599 --> 00:13:20,067 past emotional adolescence. 320 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,768 This event is very simple. 321 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:24,571 Five briefcases. Five spots in the finals. 322 00:13:24,605 --> 00:13:26,673 No weapons. Any question? 323 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,546 Archer: Whoo-hoo! 324 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:35,148 Johnny Utah! 325 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,720 Excuse me. 326 00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,154 Excuse me. - 327 00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:42,689 Pardon me. Pardon me. 328 00:13:42,723 --> 00:13:44,024 Oh, 'scuse me. Pardon me. 329 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,131 Falkor, away! 330 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,406 Oh, ahh! 331 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:02,676 I guess we're interpreting "no weapons" pretty liberally. 332 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,614 Ahh! Disgusting! 333 00:14:07,648 --> 00:14:10,184 Uh, let's not tell anyone about this. 334 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,085 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 335 00:14:17,591 --> 00:14:19,092 Decent trade. 336 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:21,528 Woman: Altitude warning. Pull now. 337 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:30,103 - Ahh! - You big baby. 338 00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,572 Just use your backup chute. 339 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,242 Unless we were way lower than I thought. 340 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,211 Really should have been keeping tabs on that. 341 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,579 Oh, well. 342 00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:40,747 Cyril: Well, what? Cheryl: Well, catch me up. 343 00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:42,683 You've been here the whole time. 344 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,251 Quiet down. 345 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,320 We're trying to flirt our way to finding out 346 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:49,690 who booked that conference room full of dudes and guns. 347 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:53,160 And striking out. 0 for 2. 348 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,728 I don't know, y'all. I can't get a read. 349 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,231 He's like a sexual Rubik's Cube. 350 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,633 Or as I call it, a Rubik's Cube. 351 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,735 Huh. Maybe I should give him a try. 352 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,471 I've developed a sexual nervous system stimulator 353 00:15:04,505 --> 00:15:06,507 I call "The Wheel." 354 00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:08,642 Okay, I'll bite. Why is it called The Wheel? 355 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:11,512 Because once it gets rolling, there's no stopping it. 356 00:15:11,545 --> 00:15:13,447 Any other ideas? 357 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,616 Literally anything. 358 00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:18,018 Can I help any of you 359 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,454 in some way that does not involve, and I quote, 360 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,322 "a hot beef enema"? 361 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,191 - That wasn't me! - I panicked! 362 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,493 Just stand right there. Hold on. 363 00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:27,728 Keep standing. 364 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,229 Really, I don't have time for-- 365 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,598 - And you're overwhelmed. - Oh. Oh. Ahh. 366 00:15:31,632 --> 00:15:33,200 Ahh, ahh, ahh. Ahh! 367 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,369 Got it! Whoever booked the conference room 368 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,337 is staying in the Sultan Suite. clerk: Ahh! Ahh! Oh! 369 00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:38,472 You ever lend that thing out? 370 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,207 Sure. Just clear your schedule, 371 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,243 because it goes for, like, a couple of days. 372 00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:44,545 clerk: Oh. 373 00:15:44,578 --> 00:15:46,613 So we enter, clear the guards-- 374 00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:48,715 With what? We don't have guns. 375 00:15:48,749 --> 00:15:50,350 Guys, in the dealer's hall. 376 00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:52,319 There's a ton of non-lethals in there. 377 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,055 Tasers, air hammers, something called a knife light. 378 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,590 Well, then let's get sampling. 379 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,258 All right. We're in the finals. 380 00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:00,427 It's getting intense. They tried to kill us up there. 381 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,329 - How are things here? - Great. 382 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,665 We've located Fabian and the kidnappers, 383 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:06,466 and we've got a plan to get them back. 384 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,635 You do? I was assuming you'd fail. 385 00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:10,504 And why would you think that? 386 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,140 Because you're you? 387 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,242 - This was the plan! - I didn't think it would work. 388 00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,511 Are we really saving this guy? He sucks. 389 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,047 I hate him, and he's gonna make us do bad jobs 390 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,748 for terrible people. - You think I want this? 391 00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:24,218 All I want is to do my job and go home. 392 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,620 But if we get fired, that's not gonna help my custody problem. 393 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,222 Custody problem? 394 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,257 If you need me to give Robert a personal tour 395 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,659 of an industrial thresher, say the word. 396 00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:34,228 - No. - Got it. 397 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,096 - No, you don't. - Okay. 398 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:40,334 But, I mean, saving Fabian is the only way we stay together. 399 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,035 Right? - We'll figure the rest out, 400 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,437 but not if we're separated. 401 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,372 Y'all--y'all are family. 402 00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,407 Oh, my God. Is this what it's come to? 403 00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,343 Acting responsibly? 404 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:51,778 Ugh. Fine. Let's go save a jerk's life, 405 00:16:51,812 --> 00:16:53,714 thereby making the world a worse place. 406 00:16:53,747 --> 00:16:55,716 Yay for the good guys. 407 00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,484 Should we even do the competition? 408 00:16:57,518 --> 00:16:59,353 If you drop out now, the kidnappers will know 409 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,054 something's up and kill Fabian. 410 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,356 So what's the final event? 411 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,091 Gonne be hard to top skydiving. 412 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,459 woman: And now, 413 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:08,161 it's time to reveal the final event 414 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:11,131 of the Clandesti-con Agent Skills Competition. 415 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:14,134 Your final event will be 416 00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:18,438 King of the Train! 417 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,009 Holy shit. 418 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,612 Forget responsibility. I'm gonna be king of the train. 419 00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,086 Stay on your toes. 420 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,022 One of us has to win to keep The Agency alive and-- 421 00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,590 Uh, yeah. Whatever. 422 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:39,560 I'm gonna be king of the train. Toot toot! 423 00:17:39,593 --> 00:17:41,595 Ugh. Everyone in position? 424 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:44,031 Yeah. But this stuff from the dealer's hall 425 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:45,566 isn't the most intimidating. 426 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:47,000 I don't even know what this does. 427 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,671 Yeah, we're gonna need a few minutes. 428 00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:52,139 Archer: I'll signal you at the start. 429 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,174 Chances are, they'll be distracted watching 430 00:17:54,208 --> 00:17:57,444 the closed-circuit feed of my glorious victory. 431 00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,580 If you touch the ground 432 00:17:59,613 --> 00:18:02,449 or get hit by a paintball, you're out. 433 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,318 You start with no weapons, 434 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:07,087 but you may find some at points on the train, 435 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,424 as well as a few surprises. 436 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,326 Now, the time has come 437 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:16,597 to find the most skilled agent in the world. 438 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:24,304 woman: Three. Two. One. 439 00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:27,007 Begin! - 440 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,577 Shocking. 441 00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:32,579 Kaboom! 442 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,549 - Ahh! - 443 00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:38,318 Whoa! 444 00:18:47,094 --> 00:18:48,462 - 445 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,330 Ahh! 446 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,002 Ahh! 447 00:18:55,035 --> 00:18:57,538 Oh, knife light! Now I get it. 448 00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:00,307 Hold still, Cirque du Suck Ass! 449 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,547 We're leaving. Nobody move, or Fabian gets it. 450 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,282 Do what he says! 451 00:19:15,789 --> 00:19:17,057 Archer! Duck! 452 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,293 Ooh. 453 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,161 Ugh. 454 00:19:21,195 --> 00:19:22,729 God. You couldn't just duck? 455 00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:24,598 You know I have trust issues, Lana, 456 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,167 which you are partially responsible for. 457 00:19:27,201 --> 00:19:28,268 - How? - I don't know, 458 00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:29,336 but it feels right! 459 00:19:34,942 --> 00:19:37,578 Oh, now she has a jetpack and a machine gun? 460 00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:38,579 How is that fair? 461 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,087 - Still want that jetpack? - I know you want me to say no, 462 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,056 but the answer is still yes! 463 00:19:53,093 --> 00:19:54,428 Pam: We need backup! 464 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,762 They're bringing Fabian to the floor! 465 00:19:55,796 --> 00:19:58,065 - Throw me the gun! - It's empty! 466 00:19:58,098 --> 00:19:59,166 Just throw it to me! 467 00:20:01,335 --> 00:20:03,370 Man, this is such a bad idea. 468 00:20:05,606 --> 00:20:07,174 - Whoa! - 469 00:20:14,348 --> 00:20:15,449 Archer: Look out! 470 00:20:22,189 --> 00:20:25,192 Everyone, this is what we think of IIA. 471 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,493 Lana. Lana. 472 00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,562 Do something! Lana, I know you're faking. 473 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,064 No. I'm very, very unconscious. 474 00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:33,066 Why am I always the responsible one? 475 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,469 And so I don't shoot Fabian for me. 476 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,704 I shoot him for-- - Ahh! 477 00:20:37,738 --> 00:20:40,307 woman: What an amazing performance. 478 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,043 Congratulations to the king of the train, 479 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,579 Agent Lana Kane, 480 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:50,150 representing The Agency, a boutique subsidiary of IIA. 481 00:20:50,184 --> 00:20:52,052 - God damn it. - Thank you. 482 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,054 Thank you. You're too kind. 483 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,490 And great work by The Agency. 484 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,592 Now, that was obviously 485 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,328 a fake kidnapping and assassination, 486 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:02,729 but they didn't know that. 487 00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:05,599 In fact, this was the demonstration portion 488 00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:09,036 of my talk, "Leadership as a Network." 489 00:21:09,069 --> 00:21:13,140 I turned this unruly bunch into a finely-honed fighting force. 490 00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:16,343 Sterling Archer himself stepped between me and a bullet 491 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:19,279 despite the fact that he hates my guts. 492 00:21:19,313 --> 00:21:21,281 That is the power of leadership. 493 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:23,684 Well, thank you all 494 00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,452 for helping me with my speech. 495 00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:29,022 So who gets to be head of The Agency? 496 00:21:29,056 --> 00:21:31,425 I gave away the most brochures. Kaboom. 497 00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,027 Jesus, Cyril. Not the time. 498 00:21:34,061 --> 00:21:36,063 But it's me, right? See me lead that mission? 499 00:21:36,096 --> 00:21:38,065 Actually, it's Agent Gillette. 500 00:21:38,098 --> 00:21:40,067 So, uh, what? 501 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,569 Because he understood the true mission. 502 00:21:42,603 --> 00:21:45,439 He's been gathering dirt on all of you for years, 503 00:21:45,472 --> 00:21:48,675 which he has compiled in this very convenient binder. 504 00:21:48,709 --> 00:21:51,712 Like "Pam once snuck a goat into the office. 505 00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:54,581 No one knows why." - I was fostering it. 506 00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:56,316 And the next week, she brought in 507 00:21:56,350 --> 00:21:58,318 goat meat tacos for everyone. 508 00:21:58,352 --> 00:22:01,054 That goat's personality was very toxic. 509 00:22:01,088 --> 00:22:04,591 Well, I'm sure you have a lot to talk about. 510 00:22:04,625 --> 00:22:07,694 You backstabbing son of a bitch. 511 00:22:07,728 --> 00:22:11,698 In my defense, I did not know he was gonna tell everybody. 512 00:22:11,732 --> 00:22:14,034 Aww. Heh. 513 00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:15,302 Look. 514 00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:17,437 You know, you're good at this, Archer. 515 00:22:17,471 --> 00:22:20,707 It'll take time, but maybe you should get more involved. 516 00:22:20,741 --> 00:22:22,276 You're right. And, you know, 517 00:22:22,309 --> 00:22:23,710 I didn't wanna let you win, 518 00:22:23,744 --> 00:22:26,313 but up there on the train, I suddenly had this idea-- 519 00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:28,315 being declared the best agent in the world. 520 00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:30,350 That's gotta help your custody case for AJ. 521 00:22:30,384 --> 00:22:32,352 And that keeps her in my life. 522 00:22:32,386 --> 00:22:36,323 Aww. Buddy, that won't affect the case at all. 523 00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:37,691 They don't consider that kind of thing. 524 00:22:37,724 --> 00:22:39,326 God damn it. That's it! 525 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,328 I've learned a very valuable lesson today. 526 00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:44,031 Making the responsible choice is for suckers. 527 00:22:44,064 --> 00:22:46,466 Until now, I've been the careful, restrained, 528 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,669 subtle, rule-respecting Archer. 529 00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:51,071 - What? - But that is over! 530 00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:53,040 Welcome to the new Archer. 531 00:22:53,073 --> 00:22:55,442 I'm gonna go find two bottles of whiskey, three women, 532 00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:58,178 a full-color illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra, 533 00:22:58,212 --> 00:23:01,281 and six gallons of orange sports drink. 534 00:23:01,315 --> 00:23:04,318 I will see you all one: when I feel like it, 535 00:23:04,351 --> 00:23:06,520 and two: in hell! 536 00:23:09,356 --> 00:23:11,191 God damn it. 537 00:23:30,110 --> 00:23:33,046 Made in Georgia.