MAYOR_CUPCAKE
*
MARY, NARRATING: Home.
Everyone needs a place to call home,
somewhere to be from
and take pride in.
NFor a long time, Bridgeville'''s been home to all kinds...
(Chuckling)
* Waiting for you '''cause you want me to *
...from the immigrant melon farmer
to the upstart businessman.
It was a booming agricultural centre
in the early 20th century.
A lot of people laid down deep roots here.
And, boy, they worked hard.
(Chuckling)
They played hard too.
People like...
my grandma.
She didn'''t remarry after Grandpa
never came back from Okinawa.
My grandma is buried right here
in Bridgeville, in the cemetery,
over 20 years ago.
She'''s actually in Pauper'''s Field, which is--
Still ticks me off, but that'''s a whole other story.
You know, sometimes big towns turn into small towns,
which doesn'''t fit some people
like, well, my mom,
who took off to-- I don'''t know where.
--when I was just seven.
* Because I love you
* Honestly, I love you
My grandmother raised me,
and we lived together until I married
Bridgeville policeman Donald Maroni when I was only 18.
We raised three girls, Anita, Lana and Tanya,
each one so different, makes you wonder.
Today, Bridgeville is no boomtown.
Like everywhere else, we'''ve hit some rough spots,
but it'''s still famous for three things:
the annual Punkin''' Chunkin''' Festival,
which, you know, you'''ve gotta see to believe;
Rapa Scrapple, the king of all scrapple;
and Jimmy'''s Grille,
which is right here on Main Street,
and where I come in.
I'''m Mary Maroni.
I'''m a cupcake maker.
* I love you honestly
* I do
* I love you honestly
* I do
*
MARY: Here you go.
And what are we calling this new little one?
Guess! Some of us don'''t have to guess.
Go easy on him, Bart. He'''s new in town.
Takes time to make the wall of fame.
Lenny?
Okay, I'''m gonna say something maple.
That'''s the easy part.
Try again.
Why do you always make me guess?
I heard you were an Ivy League man.
You'''re supposed to be smart!
If he was smart, he'''d be in the big city
practicing law instead of being our new country lawyer.
I'''m right where I wanna be, Bart.
Just doing my part for the town.
I don'''t have to be in a big place.
You sure?
No, I'''m not sure, but I sure am hungry. Oh!
Need your vote, Bart!
A vote for Bloodworth is a vote for Bridgeville!
Can I eat my namesake cupcakes in peace?
You'''ve been unopposed the last four elections.
Unopposed?
Well, I think Milo Horn would take exception to that.
Milo Horn, my keister.
He gets one vote every election, and it'''s his own!
He wouldn'''t get two votes if he ran for dogcatcher
and his dog had a ballot!
He needs help,
so give it a rest
before I start reciting this town'''s problems.
I'''ll do it.
Broken-down garbage trucks,
overhanging limbs, homeless people.
You ought to talk to the town council,
but I take your meanin'''.
Enjoy.
You need help!
Hey, Quail.
Give any more thought to selling me that antique plane?
That tool would make a fine birthday gift for Donald.
Yeah. No.
Um, I hate to see it go.
BART: Quail.
It'''s an antique store.
Store, as in "sell things."
You get it?
Bart, maybe it'''s just too important for him to sell.
Yeah, I just hate parting with. That'''s all.
Maybe next time.
Need your vote, Mary.
*
Night, Alex!
MARY: Hey, Albert.
Hey, Mary.
Nice job on the trim.
It'''s not much, but I try to keep it up.
Scrapple sandwich in there. Thanks.
Got another one for you. Oh!
Thanks.
Thanks for stopping by.
*
MARY: Oh.
Whoo!
How far was that one?
Twenty-eight yards into about a 10-mile-per-hour wind.
Not too shabby.
Thanks.
One more? Yeah.
Well, I'''m not saying it'''s wrong
to want to be the first female NFL player,
but do you really want to team up with all those guys
bumping and dancing around after every move?
I mean, really.
Well, that'''s just the entertainment part of the sport.
They'''re told to do all that stuff.
Yeah, well, they look silly.
Baseball players don'''t do that most of the time.
Mom, you'''re out of touch.
*
Will you go get your dad?
Sure.
I'''ll do it.
*
(Knocking on door)
Dinner, Dad.
Be right there.
(Harmonica continues playing)
You didn'''t tell her, right?
And miss all the fun when you do?
Shut up!
* Red roses, hot coffee, and sky blue *
* Oceans, salt, autumn
* And buttercream too
* And I admit
* All of it'''s true
* But I love nothing more than I love you *
(Birds chirping)
All right.
If somebody has something to say, just say it.
The ribs look good.
Anita, how'''s the job search going?
Jimmy'''s looking for a dependable dishwasher.
I'''m looking, but you gotta understand.
The Noize is starting to draw some big, big crowds.
Lana, what'''s going on with you?
Huh? Nothing. Nothing.
The ribs look really good, though.
All right, everybody, forks down.
Lana'''s got something she wants to tell us.
Okay, here'''s how it happened.
Elbows off the table.
Sorry.
Remember that time I volunteered you
to substitute when I was, like, nine?
Yes, and I told you I would not substitute,
because I don'''t like classrooms or babysitting.
LANA: Right.
Well, this is not like that.
Good. What'''s it like?
I also told you how civics was gonna drag down my GPA?
We talked about my teacher?
Tommy Nixon.
More of a coach than a teacher.
Exactly.
Well, he gave us this little extra-credit assignment
about taking part in Bridgeville'''s politics,
and, in a broader sense, "America" politics?
All right. Come out with it.
You'''re running for mayor.
Excuse me, uh, what?
I volunteered you.
(Gasping)
Why didn'''t you volunteer your father?
Come on, Mom, we all know who our family mayor is,
and it'''s not Dad.
Sorry, no offence.
Well, tomorrow you just tell Tommy Nixon
that you'''re un-volunteering me!
Mom, it'''s school stuff!
Just because you didn'''t finish school
does not mean I don'''t want to!
Back!
Come here!
Sit down.
Pass me the bread, please.
All of it.
Mayor?
MARY: Hey! Coach Nixon!
Just the man I'''m looking for.
Hey, Mare.
Oh, by the way, the Jimmy'''s Jam,
that was good stuff.
I don'''t know what, uh--
I don'''t know what you guys do there, but tasty.
Look, um, I want my name taken off the ballot today, now.
What ballot? What are you talking about?
This.
Oh, well, look at this!
Wow, haven'''t seen-- Where'''d you get this?
Councilman Grundle brought it by Jimmy'''s this morning.
Thought it was rather funny.
Actually, I did too.
It wasn'''t meant to be humorous.
It was, you know, a project for the kids.
I don'''t like politics, and, uh, even though someone should run
against Bloodworth, it'''s not gonna be me.
Mare, we all know Charlie'''s got it in the bag.
This was just a way for the kids to get involved in the process,
kick the tires a little, you know?
Well, you should be proud of Lana.
She was the only one who got a volunteer.
Volunteer? No, I didn'''t volunteer.
Just get my name off the ballot, please.
Mare, if you didn'''t want your name on the ballot,
why'''d you sign the registration form?
The what?
Uh, the form, the registration, the form to run?
No, I-- That-- I never saw anything, uh...
Okay, well, I got a copy of it,
or I thought I had a copy of something.
Hang on.
Oh, yeah. Right here.
*
* Hey
You wanna pay the electric bill; you can leave everything on.
Otherwise...
(Sighing)
...turn it off, now.
(Clicking keys)
(Music stops)
All right. Let'''s talk about this.
I signed your name.
So what? I happen to like politics.
Maybe I'''ll be mayor or governor someday.
This town could use a woman running things.
You should have volunteered yourself then.
No, Mom, I'''m too young.
But I'''m gonna ace civics now.
My grades are important to me.
You should be happy.
I'''m not, not at all.
I don'''t know why we'''re talking about this.
Nobody is gonna notice your name on the stupid ballot.
Hm.
All right.
Good night.
Here you go, honey.
Thanks, Mom.
(Sighing)
Hello, Mary.
The usual, Britney?
Or should I call you my esteemed opponent?
BRITNEY: Didn'''t think you were into politics, Mrs. Maroni,
being a mom and a bakery lady and all.
I'''m not.
It was just a mistake, a joke!
Well, I assure you running for the office of mayor
is no joke, Mare.
Well, now, that'''s wide open for debate.
Hey, Britney.
Tanya.
Your hair looks cute.
Thanks.
Change bowls?
Uh-huh.
Oh, well, you ought to be proud of your mother,
rising up from obscurity
to oppose me in my quest for a fifth term.
You know, no one really likes you.
I hope my mom wins.
Honey.
*
GREG: What'''ll she get?
A handful of votes at best.
It'''s a slap in the face, my face!
Come on, Charlie, it'''s no big deal.
Yeah, she'''s the cupcake lady.
Don'''t say it like it isn'''t important.
Yeah, Arnie, cupcakes are very important.
Cupcakes?
Just a reminder that your position on the town council
is by appointment, my appointment!
If I lose, then you lose all those nice little perks
you'''ve been extracting from the town budget year after year!
Greg, you still planning to put that above-ground pool
in your backyard next spring?
What if someone else'''s pencil is tallying up the merchants''' dues?
And, Arnie, with you out of the police and fire equation,
town might just decide a new patrol car is the way to go,
meaning no more new diamanté jewellery
for that wife of yours.
So, gentlemen, is this really funny?
I didn'''t think so.
Now, get out the damn vote.
You heard him, Arnie.
Get out the damn vote.
(Insects buzzing)
(Honking)
Speed traps kill towns, Donald.
*
(Laughing)
Vote for Bloodworth.
*
(Sign creaking)
(Sighing)
(Gasping)
Oh!
(Puffing)
Oh!
How much?
Quail?
Hey, hey!
Ahem. Would you mind if I--?
Don'''t even think about it, Arnie.
Okay. I won'''t.
What are you reading?
MARY: Whoa!
Gotta be 30.
Wind'''s up, too.
Ready for me to hold?
No, not yet.
Do they let the pros kick field goals off of tees?
Well, what if I kicked your hand?
Mm, well, can'''t think like that, honey.
(Kissing)
Is it my turn?
Yeah. Aye.
It'''s catchy and topical,
with a sentiment that'''s dead on.
What? Oh!
Mm!
(Harmonica playing)
Donald?
I'''m worried about Anita.
She doesn'''t have any direction.
DONALD: She'''ll be fine.
And she thinks The Noize is her direction.
Should check them out sometime.
The Noize with a Z?
I mean, really, how many people is she playing for, like, three?
That'''s no way to make a living. Hold on.
I want to try this on you.
That'''s good.
And Lana, she knows what she wants, clearly.
Even Tanya knows what she wants to be
when she grows up, but I just--
I want Anita to be happy.
Seems happy to me.
How come you never let me hear you play?
Play what?
Never mind. How'''s work?
Ugh.
They'''re talking about layoffs again.
Really?
They'''ll never let you go.
Well, if they do,
you can always teach me how to make those cupcakes.
Mm, no, I never will.
(Chuckling)
"And your little dog, too."
Mm.
(Laughing)
Mary.
What?
I'''m gonna vote for you.
*
* I gotta get back, get back to you *
* I know it'''s been a long time *
* But I don'''t know what to do * Thank you.
* With my time and my mind It'''s a fantasy *
Good luck.
* I know it'''s just a dream, girl *
All these men voting.
I'''m getting a bad feeling, Brit.
She'''s so much, well, cuter than I am.
* Finally home now that work is done *
* I know it'''s been a long time *
* Since you and I'''ve had any fun *
I wonder who authorizes speed traps.
* Just what love could mean
* I know I want you near me
* For the rest of what may be *
* On a whim
* I'''ll run laps and relax And we'''ll all turn in *
* Till we decide to face facts for all my worries *
* Are onto you Still on a whim *
* I come straight back
* To you
Mary, can I ask you something?
Sure, just make it quick.
Okay, I'''m almost 20 and I work at a diner
making practically no money.
I feel kind of useless.
I mean, no, no, no.
It'''s just you have a real skill, and I just wait tables.
Don'''t you go to college, Claire?
I kind of quit last semester.
Oh.
Okay, if you want to feel useful,
either go back to college or work harder.
I'''m sure Jimmy will give you a couple more shifts.
Okay.
It'''ll work out.
You know, Mary, I would'''ve voted for you;
I just didn'''t get the chance.
It'''s okay. It'''s-- It'''s fine. Okay.
Jimmy, you know, you ate all the blueberries again.
Did I?
Yeah, and now I gotta go get some more,
'''cause Bart'''ll be back after lunch for another dozen.
You know, I'''d have voted for you, too, but--
I know. It's fine.
It doesn'''t matter. I'''m not mayor material, anyway.
When are the results supposed to be announced?
I don'''t know. It doesn'''t matter.
I'''m just gonna be happy when the whole thing is over with.
Slow it down, mayor. We got all day.
Admittedly, I'''m a bit edgy.
Once it'''s certified, town council announces,
then I'''ll have my tea.
I just can'''t shake this feeling of impending doom.
Doom? Why?
You'''ve got it in the bag again.
We know that for 100% certain.
Greg will be knocking on our front door any minute.
Sure you'''re right.
You'''re always right, sugar.
Mm!
Look at that one!
Mm!
Mayor?
Heimlich. What? What?
Speak clearer, please! Heimlich!
Like what'''s his name? Oh, Marvin? Marvin!
Heimlich!
Heimlich? Oh, Heimlich.
Oh, yes, oh, yes! I'''ll Heimlich you.
Oh! Oh, I can'''t, mayor.
Hold on. Hold on.
Cough, mayor, cough!
(Pottery shattering)
Cough hard!
* And you make me feel so... (Coughing)
(Hacking)
(Grunting)
How was that? All better?
Daddy?
Daddy!
* All I know
(Siren chirping)
Please! Hurry, hurry, please!
My daddy'''s inside! Please! Hurry!
Hurry, he'''s--
* '''Round one hand on the phone *
* And your feet can hardly touch the ground *
* But you'''re not
* High maintenance to me *
I'''m so sorry for your loss, Britney.
I'''m an orphan!
MARY: One of my cupcakes killed him?
It wasn'''t the cupcake
so much as the massive internal organ damage.
What?
So the almost-good-part for you
is before he died, the mayor won his election rather handily,
something like 83% of the vote.
But he'''s dead. Yes.
Yes, he is, which means he'''ll be hard-pressed to hold office.
Now, the town council wants to hand-pick our replacement.
Good. Let them.
But--
But?
Lenny spoke to the state attorney, who confirmed that,
yes, Charlie did win his election,
but he died before it could be certified,
and they cannot, by law,
certify the winner as someone who is dead,
so the election goes to whoever comes in second.
Milo got his usual one vote.
You got 32 votes, Mary.
You came in second.
You'''re the new mayor.
(Gasping)
GREG: Good evening, everyone.
Charles Bloodworth was a good and decent man
who loved Bridgeville and all its people.
I don'''t know what they need me here for.
I'''m not taking their job. You have to.
There were two other candidates on the ballot with Charlie,
one, Mary Maroni,
who openly admits she had no desire to run for mayor.
The other, Milo Horn,
has long been a seeker of the office.
What are they doing here?
They'''re supposed to be in school.
That'''s what happens when the coach is a teacher.
Civics! Civics class.
A cupcake baker is hardly qualified to hold this office.
That'''s ridiculous.
Is it my mom, or the idea of a woman as mayor
that has you shaking in your boots?
She'''s not even a high school graduate.
Guess she'''s overqualified, then.
(Laughing)
Thank you, Bart.
Mary has no interest in this position, whereas Milo--
Milo Horn, would you please stand?
Milo has a passion for public office.
Now, I would ask both of our losers--
Um, losing mayoral candidates. --to come on up on stage.
Um...
your shirt'''s on inside out.
Yep, clean side in.
Oh.
That'''s really who we want to be mayor?
Mary?
Is it?
I want you.
Now, go up there and accept it.
Do it, Mom.
So, here we are.
A high school dropout, baker, and mom,
who would have no clue how to lead Bridgeville--
Well, I think I might have a clue.
On the other hand, we have Milo Horn,
a man with a plan.
Isn'''t that right, Milo?
Mr. Grundle? Mr. Grundle! Sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
I know there'''s a lot going on.
This just came up,
and it'''s something we'''ve gotta deal with.
They had a water main burst over in Shelby.
They'''re asking if they send two of their water tankers,
can we fill them with water?
And can they tap into our lines for the next 24 hours?
What did Shelby ever do for us
except raise hotel prices at festival time?
Exactly.
Let'''s hear it for Milo!
Terrible plan. Boo!
Is that how we treat our neighbours?
Oh, so you think
we should send water over to Shelby?
MARY: What about the children?
What about the senior citizens?
You want your grandma to go without water?
And where is our nearest hospital, huh?
Shelby.
Cousin up there right now.
GREG: W-well, I think what Milo said before was spot on.
We need to hold on to our water.
Milo did not say anything about water.
Please, lady, stick to your cupcakes.
Uh, excuse me. I need an answer.
Greg, okay.
Okay?
I want to be sworn in.
You what?
Lenny, swear me in. Now-- Now--
A-a-and tell Shelby to send
those tankers over right away, okay?
GREG: You can'''t do that! Okay.
State attorney disagrees, Greg.
Mary'''s if she wants it. Sounds like she does.
Mary, raise your right hand and repeat after me.
I, Mary, middle name, Maroni--
I, Mary Rose Maroni--
--do solemnly swear to uphold the office of--
--mayor of Bridgeville.
--mayor of Bridgeville!
(Cheering)
So help me God.
Oh, help me, God.
(Puffing)
(File clicking) Ah!
Washington!
Adams!
Jefferson!
Madison!
Monroe!
*
(Sighing)
GREG: Uh, mayor...
Greg.
Listen, I know you'''re new to all of this,
and I realize how difficult it'''s gonna be for you,
so I want you to understand
that the position of mayor is more of a figurehead,
so to speak.
Now, Arnie and I, we take care of the details.
Ahem, any advice or assistance
or counselling you need,
we'''re here for you.
You are? Yes.
That'''s confusing.
Oh, you mean all that stuff that I said at the meeting.
Well, that was just--
Rude. Politics.
I don'''t care much for politics, Greg.
I guess you'''d better start.
Eh, what are those? Donald'''s Double Chocolate.
Oh, so Donnie boy'''s got his own, huh?
Are they any good?
My favourite.
(Chuckling)
Now, you keep the change.
And remember, just leave the tough stuff to me,
and I'''ll be behind you all the way, 100%.
(Bell dinging)
Here you go.
Mary?
Sit down. Let me buy you a cupcake.
You know, in high school, even in college,
people always had high expectations of me.
"Lenny, you'''re so smart.
You'''re gonna be rich, a big shot,"
and I bought into that.
And I started traveling down the road
of other people'''s expectations.
And I was unhappy.
And then I realized what was making me unhappy,
and I started traveling down my own road.
Why are you telling me this?
You chose the road you'''re gonna travel,
or the road chooses you.
And, Mary, I haven'''t been in this town very long,
but I have been in here long enough
to know that you will be a wonderful mayor.
Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
Does it bother you when people call you
"just a country lawyer"? (Chuckling)
I take it as a compliment.
I'''m here with people I care about,
people who care about me,
people I can advise and help,
like you, Mary.
So...
cheers.
Another journalist is waiting out there for you, Mary.
I'''ll be right there. (Phone ringing)
Miles of marvellous motoring! This is Greg Grundle speaking.
Hi, Greg, it'''s Mary.
Um, I was just talking to the town attorney.
I had some questions for him.
Well, Lenny said that the mayor--
That'''s me. --has the power to appoint the town council.
Did he?
Yeah, I never thought about it much,
being not political and all.
You and Charlie and Arnie,
controlling the town for so long--
Yeah, well, we'''re just trying to do our civic duty.
Little bit of money we make just a token, really.
Doesn'''t amount to much.
Then you'''re not gonna miss it.
You'''re fired.
Now, you listen to me, you stupid little woman.
* Mary, can'''t you see
* Some things were meant to be *
* Just do the best you can
* Someday they'''ll understand
*
So, why do you only make little cupcakes?
Can we hurry up? I'''ve got four dozen in the oven.
So, tell me...
what'''s the first thing you want to accomplish?
Oh, I'''ve already done that.
These really are the best.
Mm-hm. Thank you.
(Mary sighing)
I don'''t even know what to ask for.
Where do I start?
I know one thing.
Numbers never lie.
Get the town chequebook.
Get all the town income statements.
Read '''em both carefully,
and then come back here,
and I'''ll go over them with you.
Thank you.
How you doing, Albert?
George Bernard Shaw said,
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world."
So, here I am, being reasonable.
Adapting.
Jimmy could use your help.
You know, assistant manager or something?
I know it'''s not what you'''re used to, but...
I could really use you over there.
*
Who'''s trimming the trees?
Tree trimming company.
Uh, but you'''ll have to find a new one.
Mayor sort of stiffed the last crew.
Ah. Oof.
I love the swirly chocolate ones.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.
You want to come inside? Your office awaits.
No, I am not going in there, not ever.
It'''s just a building. Not to me.
And what if people want to see their new mayor?
Where do they find him--? Her. Her.
Where I always am?
The bakery?
Yeah. I need to look at the books.
Um, you want to take '''em? Yes.
Ho-kay. Um, yeah, I-I guess that'''s, uh, fine.
You'''re the man, uh, so to speak.
Thanks.
Oh, do-- You'''re gonna come back with those, right?
Yeah, maybe.
There'''s eight of '''em.
Okay.
Enjoy!
Hey, Albert, can I talk to you down here for a minute?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, I have plenty of time.
Plenty of time.
Sorry.
All right, Pete gave me these ledgers today,
and this is all they have.
And it doesn'''t make much sense to me.
Could you just look at it for a minute for me?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Thanks.
What about the chequebook?
I'''ll get on that right away.
*
You'''re the mayor. Is that true?
Yes. Unbelievable.
Do you see this? Yes.
It'''s a traffic ticket.
It'''s the third one I'''ve gotten this month.
I drive from Washington, D.C.
to Dewey Beach twice a week,
and I'''m tired of your local-yokel cops
giving me a ticket every time
I'''m five miles over the speed limit. Okay.
Are you listening to me? Yes, I am.
Are you listening to me? Yes!
This town'''s a joke.
They only push you around if you let them.
You heard that? Why didn'''t you stick up for me?
You'''re the mayor.
Hi, Quail, what can I get you?
Well, I need a word with the mayor.
Oh. I-I'''ll meet you out there. Jimmy?
Yeah, I'''m not a good counter person.
Oh, sure you are. Here.
It'''s gonna be fine. I'''ll be back!
Is this the mayor'''s office?
Yes, it is. Um, have a seat.
Wow.
Now, that'''s a nice view.
Whoa!
Okay. Can I help you with anything?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, business has been down.
Now, I asked the other mayor, the dead one,
well, before he came up dead,
if I could put out a bigger sign,
but he said there was restrictions on business signs.
Restrictions?
Yes, ma'''am.
Eight square foot is where the tolerance is at.
And what size are you looking at?
Sixteen.
And you think that would help?
Whoo, yeah, I do.
You might help yourself, Quail,
if you actually sold people what they wanted to buy.
I don'''t know.
Oh, I get what you'''re saying.
I'''ll just give you that hand planer that you wanted.
You know, I know, '''cause the mayor and Grundle,
they always wanted things, too.
They did?
Oh, yes, ma'''am, they did.
I give '''em my two signed guitars last year
after he told me about the street store limit.
The what? The store limit?
Well, yes, ma'''am.
There'''s only so many stores allowed
to set up on Main Street.
(Sighing)
Quail.
I will buy that antique plane from you,
but only if you'''re willing to sell it to me, not give it.
If you want a bigger sign, go ahead and do it.
There'''s all kinds of big signs on Main Street.
Yeah!
Well, thank you, Mayor Mary.
All right, if you want coffee, you gotta go back to your booth.
Okay.
Hey, Pete, thanks.
Um, I usually make out the cheques.
I know.
All the stubs here?
Last three years''' worth of cheques.
Have a seat.
Oh, sure.
So, Pete, what is it exactly that you do,
besides writing cheques?
Um, lots of filing, processing of applications,
licenses, fee collection,
Merchants''' Association dues, and the like.
Huh.
And a store limit or zoning limit on Main Street,
i-is there any?
Store limit, what do you mean?
All Main Street'''s zoned commercial.
There'''s no store limit.
Really?
The Merchants''' Association,
anyone in particular in charge of that?
Oh, yeah, uh, Councilman Grundle
till you canned him.
Huh.
Pete, I gotta go.
Thanks. Yeah.
(Sighing)
*
Whoa! Yes!
* Have you seen the cupcake lady *
* The cupcake man * Man!
* The cupcake
* Lady * Man
(Laughing)
Hey, Mom,
how come Daddy never plays his harmonica
where we can see him?
He'''s just practicing, like you with your kicks.
And when he'''s ready for us to hear him and see him,
he'''ll come out of the bathroom.
Is that the same as coming out of the closet?
No, it'''s not the same.
Hey.
I only had to go up to Van Buren.
Oh, what happened?
An enthusiastic chisel.
Oh.
What number is he?
Eight. Oh!
That'''s really good.
Keeps getting lower.
Very proud of you.
Town is broke.
Broke? We owe money.
What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do? You'''re the mayor.
I don'''t--
Hey, are you sure you don'''t wanna come with me?
Oh, honey, no, I can'''t.
I'''m trying to match this all up.
Okay.
Good one.
("Don'''t You Forget About Me" playing)
* Hey, hey, hey, hey
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Thank you. That'''s my daughter up there.
* Won'''t you come see about me *
* I'''ll be alone
* Dancing, you know it, baby *
* Tell me your troubles and doubts *
* Giving me everything
* Inside and out
* Love'''s strange
* So real in the dark
Think of the tender things
* That we were working on *
* Slow change may pull us apart *
* When the light gets into your heart, baby *
* Don'''t you forget about me *
* Don'''t, don'''t, don'''t, don'''t *
* Don'''t you forget about me *
* Will you stand above me?
* Look my way and never love me? *
* Rain keeps falling
* Rain keeps falling down, down *
* Don'''t you try to pretend *
* It'''s my feeling that we will win *
* I won'''t harm you
* Or touch your defences
* Vanity, insecurity, oh
* Don'''t you forget about me *
(Harmonica playing)
How'''s it coming?
Not so good.
Should I be worried about my job?
Not yet.
Oh! Thank you for my sign.
You'''re welcome.
It'''s okay?
I'''m only using it because you made it.
Like your ring.
This old thing?
Wanna have sex?
(Birds chirping)
What happened in there
that the mayor hates the place so much?
Seems weird having
this perfectly good building and not doing--
Pete, when she was a little girl,
Mary'''s mother ran off to find herself,
so her grandmother took her in.
She was a working woman,
you know, cleaning other people'''s houses.
She did what she could to raise Mary right.
Tried to get her everything she needed,
but she died how she lived,
poor.
And they were too poor to give her a proper burial,
so they stuck her down in Pauper'''s Field.
So, 20 years ago, Mary goes into this building
and she asks if she can put up a small tombstone
with her grandmother'''s name on it
so that people would know that she had lived,
that she was a regular person,
just like all the people buried
in the regular cemetery.
And they told her no.
That if they said yes to her,
they gotta say yes to everybody who asks,
and they are not in the memories business.
That'''s what they told her,
"the memories business."
Wow.
Help me put this thing up, will you?
Happy to.
Keep your end up. All right.
*
BART: I don'''t want to rock your domestic boat, as it were,
but let me tell you something.
I have an idea.
Now, just suppose that someone was to stand upstream
of that speed trap with a sign--
Mm-hm.
--saying "Hey, there'''s a speed trap.
Now, you slow your gas down, or you'''re gonna get a ticket."
Okay. All right.
Now, them people, instead of getting a ticket for $35
and saying, "To hell with this town.
I ain'''t ever coming back here again," they say,
"This is a pretty interesting town.
"They even tell you where their speed traps are.
"You know, let'''s take a look over here.
"Let'''s come into Jimmy'''s.
"Let'''s stop at Quail'''s store, and we'''ll spend a little bit.
We'''ll spend a little time," you know?
Now, we get the income from those sales,
and that goes into the general fund.
Do you know where the speed trap money goes?
No, I don'''t.
That goes into a special fund, you understand what I'''m saying?
That only certain people control.
You make a note of that.
(Sighing)
*
(Insects buzzing)
Here she comes.
Hello! Hey.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom.
Hey.
I'''m so sorry I'''m late.
I got hung up at work.
Which work, mayor or cupcake?
Mayor.
Is everything okay?
Not exactly.
Wow! Who made dinner?
DONALD: Lana.
Do you like it? Mm-hm. It'''s good.
All right, you guys can go.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks.
Anita?
Thanks for dinner. Yup.
Good night, guys.
Be home by 12:00.
It'''s just rehearsal.
So, what went wrong today?
* I can'''t make you happy
* Yes, I can
DONALD: That'''s ridiculous. MARY: What? What?
He'''s making a laughingstock of this town is what he'''s doing.
What Bart'''s doing out there
might just help Bridgeville in the long run.
What, you want cars flying by here willy-nilly
on the way to God-knows-where without slowing down?
They'''ll slow down '''cause Bart'''s out there
warning them it'''ll cost them if they don'''t,
and maybe they'''ll stop and shop,
and that'''ll add a lot of money to the local economy.
Local economy?
Look, do you realize how much money
those speeding tickets added to our coffers?
No, but I bet you do.
Damn right I do.
Wait, what'''s that supposed to mean?
I'''ve been looking in these ledgers,
and I see a lot of money going back to you, Arnie,
and to Greg, and to the late Mayor Bloodworth.
Well, you got it all figured out, don'''t you?
No!
That'''s right, sweetheart,
you don'''t, not by a long shot.
GREG: What is Mary'''s weak spot?
ARNIE: Never seen her take a drink or cuss.
She doesn'''t gossip, bitch, or moan like normal women.
She just works and runs her family
like some kind of saint or something.
Well, every saint has its chink.
You mean knight. Every knight has a chink.
You know, armour and all?
Whatever, Arnie. Jesus.
We'''re conspiring here, not teaching American history.
(Sighing)
Mary!
I, uh, hey. I just got to Jimmy'''s.
He said you left early. Yeah.
Do you mind if I walk with you a little bit?
No.
Um, hey, I just--
I need to know: what do you want me to do now?
Well, what have you been doing, Pete?
I'''ve barely been there three years.
I'''ve never done anything wrong.
I never stole. I never took from the town.
I just did my work; took my paycheque--
And looked the other way.
(Sighing)
Not because I wanted to.
Report to Jimmy'''s, 7:00 a.m. sharp every day.
7:00. Why so early?
An hour and a half after I get there.
And bring whatever you need.
If you can help me get this town out of hock,
you can keep your job.
I don'''t believe in firing people.
Yes, ma'''am. Thank you.
Ma'''am?
TV ANNOUNCER: Is gonna be good!
Yes! Did you see that?
Fifty-five yards in OT!
That'''s a pressure kick. Mm-hm.
Man.
Nothing you couldn'''t do.
(Sighing)
(TV switching off)
Get ready for the pitch!
MARY: Do you know what the fuel costs
for the police cruisers were last year?
Well, it was good that you took us off the speed trap.
Saved gas there.
Most guys left their engines running.
Not me.
The PTA wants to meet with me.
Fun! And the Merchants''' Association
and the Rotary and the Women'''s Club.
Let me show you something.
Right now? Just two minutes.
Ah, can we do it later, honey?
Okay. Please, I just--
("Don'''t You Forget About Me" playing)
Hey, could you turn it down, please?
Okay.
* Whoa
LENNY: This list of items we discussed,
they'''re all within your authority as mayor.
You'''ve got the green light.
That'''s great.
Pete?
Excuse me, mayor.
Uh, yeah?
You really want to do all this?
For starters.
People in this town are gonna flip out.
Not if it works.
Look, we can sit around and complain,
or we can fix it.
How many businesses have gone under in the past two years?
Ah, five or ten.
Well, what happened to the workers?
Well, some got other jobs,
but most went on unemployment or moved out.
Will these things save the town of Bridgeville money?
Yeah, I'''ll say.
If we can just get out of debt,
people will have confidence again.
Businesses will come back.
We can fix up the parks,
maybe even take out ads for the Apple Scrapple
and Punkin''' Chunkin''' contests.
You know, bring in some more business.
Get this town back on its feet.
Okay.
Ms. Mayor, what about my office?
Well, that booth'''s open.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah, hi, this is Pete down at Mayor Maroni'''s office.
How many street lights did you tell them
to turn off, Mayor Mary?
Every other one.
Won'''t it be too dark, Mom?
It might make it more romantic.
DONALD: You want us to do what!?
Are you gonna start counting presidents on me, Donald?
That'''s funny.
I'''m not mad.
I'''m just-- What?
Dumbfounded! I'''m leaving you one cruiser
for emergencies and bad weather.
Criminals aren'''t gonna know that?
The guys aren'''t gonna go for it.
(Toothbrush scraping)
You can talk '''em into it, honey.
WOMAN: Nice ride.
MAN: Don'''t let it get you down, Donny boy!
Yeah!
Washington.
Adams.
Jefferson.
Madison.
Monroe.
Adams.
Jackson.
Harrison.
"Just go to the bike."
*
(Scoffing)
She'''s just plain crazy.
What'''s next?
* Part of where I'''m going
* Is knowing where I'''m coming from *
* I don'''t wanna be anything
* Other than what I'''ve been trying to be lately *
* All I have to do is think of me *
* And have peace of mind
* I'''m tired of looking '''round *
MARY: Cut that-- That one down.
Coach is pretty nimble, huh, for a man his age?
He'''s younger than we are.
* I don'''t wanna be anything other than... *
All right, um, just cut that-- That one down.
Hon, I don'''t think this is a good idea.
Yeah, one less bill to pay.
Yeah, that one! Quail, give him the saw.
Hey, you know, Quail,
I really like this old hacksaw.
How much is this going for?
Oh...
well, I'''m not sure if that one'''s for sale, Don.
Hey, hey, hey!
He'''s really nimble!
Don'''t laugh. Next tree'''s yours.
* I can'''t be the only one who'''s learned *
* I don'''t want to be anything *
* Other than what I'''ve been trying to be lately *
* All I have to do is think of me *
* And have peace of mind Hey, Mary.
Hey, you should jump on the town website.
Your mayor mail is piling up.
Okay.
You can check it from home.
So, Pete, how much do you think we could get
on this Craigslist thing
for a couple of gas-guzzling police cruisers?
Oh, you'''d be surprised, yeah.
People love police cars.
How about some broken-down garbage trucks?
Eh, you can do all right.
What about a Cadillac XLR? Cadillac?
Made out to Greg Grundle?
(Sighing)
City bought it three years ago.
That'''s two months before I started.
What do you think, 30 grand?
Absolutely. Hell yes.
* I'''m tired of looking '''round rooms *
* Wondering what I gotta do
* Or who I'''m supposed to be *
Hey, that'''s my car! Don'''t take my car!
* Hey, hey, hey
* I don'''t wanna be
* Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah *
Here you go, honey.
No, thanks, I'''d rather have pimples.
They'''re not pimples. They'''re blemishes, and this'''ll help.
Mom, what is that made out of?
A little baking soda, water, egg whites.
Cupcake batter?
No, you use baking powder in cupcake batter.
Just try it. A little dab.
Uh-uh. Where did you find that?
My grandma.
She made me put it on.
It works. A dab.
(Cutlery clicking)
Would you help me with my mayor e-mail, please?
Absolutely. Sure. Okay.
We'''ll set you up a little Google site, stick you on MySpace,
Facebook, get you Tweeting.
(Gasping)
Look at all that mail.
Wow.
You used a computer, man.
* How does it feel
* Knowing that you'''re winning out? *
* Go ahead and scream and shout *
* Oh oh, scream and shout
* How does it feel
* Knowing that without a hand *
* You'''re able, able to stand? *
* Oh, oh
* And maybe you can
You working on something?
Yeah, it'''s a new song.
We missed you at dinner tonight.
Oh, I had a run-in at Sanitation.
It seems that they'''re not so happy about having to be...
groundskeepers.
I'''m sorry, Mom. That sucks.
Did you write that?
Yeah.
Night, baby.
Night, Mom.
*
(Humming)
* I don'''t want to be anything other
* Than what I'''ve been, baby, lately *
* I just want to...
Hi. Hi.
Yeah, I like your song.
Thank you. Yeah, thank you.
But the lyric, uh, is, "Trying to be lately."
Yeah?
No, it'''s "baby," actually.
Yeah. "Baby."
Maybe you'''re right. Yeah, sorry.
Enjoy your cupcake.
Thank you, yeah. They look great. Thanks.
Need some coffee? Sure. Please.
You know that'''s Gavin DeGraw?
He'''s the singer of that song.
* Baby lately
I like it. "Baby'''s" nice.
That was your mayor, right?
Yeah.
I thought, yeah. She'''s very nice.
Here you go, Pete. Oh, thanks.
Boy, you really upset some people.
You want me to e-mail them back,
and tell them we'''re making progress?
No, I should talk to them.
PETE: You really wanna do that?
No.
Yes.
Wow, look at that. The Women'''s Club, the Rotary.
(Gasping)
Look what that Greg Grundle said.
Yeah.
How am I gonna have time to talk to all these people
and get everything else done?
Why don'''t you have them all come to see you?
Kind of like a town shareholders''' meeting.
Set it up. They'''ll show up.
Get '''em some scrapple burgers. They'''ll love it.
Okay.
I'''ll set it up.
TOMMY: The condition of these jerseys is outrageous.
I understand. I got numbers peeling away.
I will call you. I promise.
You'''ll call me about what? Mayor?
Mayor, I need to talk to you.
Oh, you know what? Mayor, why do you hate men?
Uh, I don'''t, actually.
You hate me. You hate Bart. No, no, no.
You hate Greg.
You hate Grundle Motors. No, I don'''t.
You keep giving us tickets.
It'''s not snowing, and you need to pay your tickets.
All right. I understand.
You rock, Mom.
I hear you make a pretty mean cupcake, mayor.
Uh, yeah, I make a lot of mean cupcakes,
and some nice ones, too, actually.
Well, maybe I'''ll have to check that out.
So, take us through this.
You got elected mayor of Bridgeville
and set up your office there at the grill and bakery?
Yeah, that'''s pretty much it.
Is it true you closed down town hall?
Yeah, trying to cut costs.
Um, Donald-- That'''s my husband. --and Pete, they boarded it up.
Where do all the town hall people go?
Oh, they'''re pretty much here.
Let me show ya.
Come here.
Um, this here,
this is my office.
Hi, Donald.
Um, over here is Pete, the town clerk.
Uh, we got Mike in Parks and Recreation.
Um, Utilities Commission, License and Permits.
Okay, and here'''s Lenny, our town attorney.
Well, looks like you'''ve got everything
right there where you need it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it'''s great.
Thanks to-- Jimmy! Jimmy!
Here'''s Jimmy. This is his place.
He'''s been very patient. Thank you.
Over the past several months, Mayor Maroni,
you'''ve made a lot of changes that have people talking.
Yeah, that'''s right.
GRETA: Let'''s see.
You'''ve turned off street lights, cancelled trash pickup,
sold three police cruisers,
shut off water every other day for three hours,
cut town employees''' pay by 25%.
How'''s it all working out?
Well, we were in a pretty deep hole, Greta,
and now we'''re climbing out, but there'''s--
There'''s still a lot more to do.
What are you trying to accomplish there in Bridgeville?
Tell us, Mayor Maroni. Then we'''ll let you go.
I don'''t know. We'''re just trying to do right
for the people in this great town.
I swear I didn'''t know it was ill-gotten.
I believe you.
You do? No.
See you later, Britney.
Tell that scrawny wife of yours to stuff it!
*
Don'''t worry. She'''ll get what'''s coming to her.
When, Greg?
Would it help if Uncle Greg came over for a visit?
That'''d be nice. Right now?
Tonight.
I gotta take the wife to her Women'''s Club meeting
and, Greg Jr. to karate,
but I'''ll swing by right after.
Okay.
See ya.
(Phone beeping)
*
Take this down, Quail.
Thank you.
Bobby D.? Hey.
What have we got here?
Oh!
Uh, Pete, do you know what to do with this?
Haven'''t a clue. Could you come back tomorrow and...
w-we'''ll talk about it?
Okay. Thank you.
MARY: Next. Oh!
You brought me cupcakes? Thank you.
Oh, yeah, I think this is perfect,
but if it'''s not just--
Just call Pete, '''cause I, uh...
Thank you.
Thanks for the cupcakes.
Come on, Jimmy.
*
Yes!
(Harmonica playing)
*
I tell ya: I really dread this meeting tomorrow.
You said the same thing about the TV interview,
and that turned out great.
Okay.
Any last words of advice?
Be yourself. Tell the truth.
Can'''t go wrong with that.
I made a chart for you. Bunch of bullet points and stuff.
Oh.
(Whispering)
MAN: Hey, Pete, uh, could I ask you a question, please?
I got a question about...
(All chattering)
PETE: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I know you all have questions and comments for our mayor.
You mean TV star?
(Sighing)
Mayor Maroni?
(Applause)
(Cheering)
Okay, I know that some of you, um--
Excuse me, can you speak up, please?
Bridgeville is my home, my family'''s home.
My own grandma was born and buried here.
I love it. I never want to live anywhere else.
Look, I know all of these cutbacks
have been hard on all of us,
but we'''re making progress.
We'''ve almost repaid all of our loans,
and we'''re moving up.
Like-- Like this good man over here.
You all know him. MAN: You know him.
That'''s Albert. Works at Jimmy'''s.
But, um, Albert used to run his own bank down on Highway 1.
Did a lot of good.
Put folks to work.
Gave to charity.
And then some people got in his way,
telling him who to lend to and what rates to set.
And before he knew it,
well, he lost everything.
And my point is Albert'''s doing whatever he has to to get by.
And that'''s what Bridgeville is doing, getting by!
(Sighing)
We'''re gonna do better,
but we can'''t count on anyone else to help.
It'''s up to us.
Us or you?
Us!
I need your help.
That'''s why we'''re here.
How long we have to keep taking trash
to the fill place ourselves?
Until we can afford good trucks to put back on the road.
No one likes garbage, Britney. I know.
You made these cuts already,
and there'''s talk that you'''re gonna cut sports
from the high school. Oh, no.
That one'''s not me.
That'''s the county school board,
but it seems to me that if the parents get together
and mend the uniforms,
put on homemade concessions, drive to faraway games,
we could get rid of the school bus
and maybe head that one off.
(Applause)
If you want to save money,
why don'''t we cut your salary in half, mayor?
How about that?
All right, I could do that, Arnie,
but, uh, I'''m not taking a salary.
Now, I never finished high school,
but it seems to me that half of zero is still zero.
I graduated high school. I graduated.
Now, wait. Wait, everyone.
Listen to me. Listen up.
Now, we'''ve all got to ask ourselves:
is this really the type of woman that we want
running our fine town? Washington, Adams,
Jefferson, Madison...
Our values here in Bridgeville are important to us,
and we all know
that she didn'''t finish high school, okay, but why?
She didn'''t just drop out because she wasn'''t smart.
She got herself pregnant.
Now, is that an example for our young ones?
Clinton, Bush, Obama.
Come on.
He'''s a cop.
He'''s not gonna hit me.
I mean, can'''t we all just get along?
DONALD: Continue.
Yeah, Dad! Yeah, Dad!
(Sighing)
You'''re a hard woman to get a hold of, Mrs. Maroni!
Hi! You'''re up early. I'''m on my way to work.
You mind if we walk and talk on camera?
Yeah, if you can keep up with me.
Well, they call you Mayor Cupcake.
Now, the implication of the word "cupcake":
it'''s a euphemism for something or someone being soft, too soft.
Doesn'''t that bother you?
Nothing about cupcakes bothers me.
I make '''em, and people like '''em.
You know, I have never, ever, met a person
who wasn'''t in a better mood eating a cupcake,
except for Bart, you know, who'''s always in a bad mood.
Okay! So, can we get your side of the scuffle?
I don'''t really have a side.
I was just trying to answer some questions,
get some feedback.
Well, we spoke to former town council chair Greg Grundle.
Now, he alleges your husband attacked him.
Is that true?
Yes, it'''s true.
And that doesn'''t bother you?
No. He landed a good shot.
If he hadn'''t, then that would bother me.
Gotta go. Thanks.
She did not just say that, did she?
*
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey.
Everything okay, Jimmy?
Not really.
Oh. I'''m sorry.
You'''re upset that I'''m late and you had to make the coffee.
No, that'''s not it.
You'''re sick of working behind the counter.
I know how much you hate that.
Yeah, well, I'''m getting better on that front, so, no.
You'''re sorry you ever let me set up town hall out here,
making a mess of things and disrupting business.
(Grunting)
All right, well, then, what is it?
It'''s the cupcakes, Mary.
The cupcakes?
Cupcakes aren'''t as good.
They'''re not as perfect.
Uh, sizes are off.
They'''re not as moist or fluffy.
One customer said his were gritty.
Gritty? Yep.
Gritty, all right.
Now, I know you got a lot on your plate right now--
Yes, and I think I'''m making a lot of changes around here,
and I'''m doing things that I never dreamed I was capable of.
Some people are upset about it,
but, yes, I have a lot on my plate.
Here she comes.
REPORTER Well, we spoke to former town council chair Greg Grundle.
Now, he alleges your husband attacked him.
Is that true?
Yes, it'''s true.
And that doesn'''t bother you?
No.He landed a good shot.
If he hadn'''t, then that would bother me.
That, my friend, is a chink!
(Laughing)
Ow! I'''m sorry.
That'''s okay.
Oh, Mary, did you still want that antique planer tool
for Donald'''s birthday?
It'''s okay if not, but--
I mean, you'''re trimming it a shade close if you do.
Oh.
*
I bet you didn'''t think I could sell it, huh?
Didn'''t have it in me?
If I'''ve been rude or distant or uncaring in any way, I--
You'''re my friend, and friends shouldn'''t--
Oh, I know. I--
I understand.
You'''ve been busy with all the town stuff.
It'''s tough on you.
Go on now.
Friend.
*
Thanks.
*
There you are.
I need to talk to you.
Make an appointment.
Lady, you were on TV saying how your husband attacked me.
Now, he can'''t just go around beating up just anybody.
You'''re not.
Not what?
Anybody.
I'''m going to press charges.
I'''m going to have Donald arrested, prosecuted,
and kicked off the force.
and then I'''m gonna file a civil suit,
And I'''ll win, thanks to your TV testimony, Mayor Cupcake.
Why are you telling me this?
Just being neighbourly.
All right. What do you want?
Funny you should ask.
Happy birthday, Dad. TANYA: Happy birthday.
Thank you very much. Thank you, sweetheart.
Love you! Love you too.
You hardly ate any cake, Mom.
Yeah. I'''ll try to do better next time.
Oh, guess what?
I'''m ready for a holder!
Oh, there'''s one in the kitchen,
and the napkins are in the pantry.
No, I mean, for my kick, for--
Yeah, it'''s okay.
I'''ll talk to her about it.
But that'''s good news, really good news.
DONALD: Hey.
Whatever you'''re worried about,
we'''ll figure it out.
I almost forgot your birthday.
But you didn'''t.
It'''s not right.
What? Things.
What things?
Greg Grundle wants me to call a town meeting,
appoint a vice mayor, and then quit.
Oh, and then the vice mayor becomes the "mayor" mayor?
Until the next election.
And Grundle wants to be the vice mayor.
Yeah, that'''s a perfect name for him.
No, not Greg. Milo.
I really love my gift.
It'''s a little "plain."
How did you get Quail to part with it?
*
* You don'''t let me in
* Oh, what have I done?
* I don'''t know where I'''m from *
* But I know where I belong
* You won'''t let me stay...
Donald?
Is it morning yet?
No.
Did I dream it, or did you play your harmonica for me?
When?
Last week.
No.
You were standing right over there.
You played your harmonica, and I didn'''t even notice.
*
(Cheering, applause)
If you want to see us again, tell the boss man.
So, guess what.
My mom just got elected mayor of Bridgeville.
(Booing)
No, no, no! Hey, hey.
It'''s dope. It'''s what we needed.
So, uh, this one'''s for Mom.
("Don'''t You Forget About Me" playing)
* Hey, hey, hey, hey
* Ooh, ooh, ooh
* Whoa
REPORTER: Well, we spoke to former town council chair Greg Grundle.
Now, he alleges your husband attacked him.
Is that true?
Yes, it'''s true.
You really are quite photogenic.
MARY: No. He landed a good shot.
So, what'''s the good word?
I'''ll do it.
I'''ll appoint a vice mayor, and I will quit.
Now, who said you weren'''t smart?
You did! Oh, that'''s right.
But admit it: you'''re gonna be happy
to see things go back to the way they were.
I will be. Good deal, then.
I want to ask you one thing.
And what'''s that?
Well, you and Charlie and Arnie have been stealing money
from the people of Bridgeville for so long:
doesn'''t it bother you a little bit?
It doesn'''t bother me.
And you want to know why?
Because the people in this town are a bunch of idiots.
If you don'''t reach down and snatch things from them,
well, they just might hurt themselves.
So that'''s what we did.
We took things. So what?
Who cares?
Screw every last one of them.
(Sighing)
Whoa, whoa. Uh, Mary?
Would you work a little harder on those cupcakes?
The last batch was a little--
I don'''t know. --gritty.
Hi.
Good afternoon, everyone.
I want to start out with the good news.
We'''ve paid back all of our outstanding bills
and, um, ordered a new garbage truck.
We even have a little bit left over
for a down payment on a new cruiser.
(Applause)
Good work, everybody!
Now, some people, um, actually one of you,
has advised me to appoint a vice mayor.
Now, Lenny here tells me that I have the power to do this
as the mayor, so I'''m--
That'''s what I'''m gonna do.
Milo, would you please come up here?
(Faint applause)
You look good.
Thanks. So do you.
Um, I just wanted to say that I don'''t think
that Milo would do anything wrong on his own.
He'''s a good man.
Thank you, Milo. You can sit.
Good job, Milo.
I'''m warning you.
I'''d like to present our new vice mayor.
*
Thank you, mayor.
Albert'''s been my advisor since day one.
Lenny, would you do the honours and swear him in?
LENNY: I, Albert, middle name, Peach--
I, Albert Doville Peach--
--do solemnly swear to uphold
--the office of vice mayor of Bridgeville.
--do solemnly swear to uphold
--the office of vice mayor of Bridgeville.
So help me God!
So help me God.
So help me God, I want Donald Maroni arrested
for attempted murder!
(Shouting indistinctly)
Gil! What do you get paid for?
Take him away!
I war-- I warned you.
I think you all might be interested in this.
MARY: You and Charlie and Arnie,
stealing from the people of Bridgeville for so long:
didn'''t it bother you?
GREG: No. Didn'''t bother me,
because the people in this town are a bunch of idiots.
If you don'''t reach down and snatch things from them,
well, they just might hurt themselves.
So that'''s what we did. We took things.
So what? Who cares?
Screw every last one of them.
Mary, would you work a little harder on those cupcakes?
The last batch was a little--
I don'''t know. --gritty.
*
You really need help now, Grundle!
Uh, honey?
She can'''t tape me talking without my permission.
So you admit that that was you?
Um, don'''t I have the right to remain silent?
You have the right to remember that if you utter
another disparaging remark
about either my wife or my girls,
I will personally rip the lips off your face.
Do you understand?
Good.
Some friends are here to see you.
Would any of you like to join him, hm?
Honey?
Carry on, mayor.
Well...
now I think we all know where
some of our hard-earned money went.
(Applause)
Whoo!
*
* Mary, Mary
* Working every day
* In a sleepy little town
* Mary, Mary
* Far from ordinary
* You could turn this place around *
* They call you over
* Call you out
* You'''re the one
* They'''re talking about
* Mary, can'''t you see
* Some things were meant to be? *
* Just do the best you can
* Someday they'''ll understand
*
(Phone ringing)
I'''ll get it. No, no, no, honey.
We'''re eating. We'''re eating.
You haven'''t served, so technically we'''re not eating.
Hello? Hi, Mary.
Mom, Mom, you gotta get this one.
Hello?
Things must be getting pretty exciting
down there in Bridgeville.
I'''d like to get a quote.
About what?
Don'''t tell me you haven'''t heard.
(Scoffing)
Okay, bye.
Who was it?
Dad, it was Greta Van Susteren from TV again.
About what?
About someone putting my name in
to run for governor.
and me being a front-runner in early national polls.
Wasn'''t me.
No, I know better.
People need someone like you, hon.
I say we just eat like a family and,
um, don'''t rush into anything.
You know, 17 presidents were governors first, right, Dad?
That'''s right.
And four out of the last six.
How does she know that?
It'''s only four years.
PRESIDENT: Uh, Jim, did we hear back from her yet?
JIM: Yes, Mr. President.
She passed. She passed?
It'''s an important position in this administration.
Why would she pass?
She said thank you,
but she wants to stay right where she is.
What'''s so important over in Delaware?
What does she do, exactly?
She'''s a cupcake maker, sir.
A cupcake maker?
I like cupcakes.
My girls love cupcakes.
Well, everybody likes cupcakes.
Cupcakes.
* Mary, Mary
* You can'''t go anymore
* There'''s a fine line drawn on the door *
* There'''s a sad song stuck in your head *
* And some memories under your bed *
* Now, I know I'''ve gotta be strong *
* As the days keep dragging along *
* All my thoughts get carried away *
* Till I'''m left with nothing to say *
* '''Cause I'''m waiting
* For an elevator
* That can take me
* Anywhere
* But here
* There'''s a hazy look in your eyes *
* It'''s as if you wore a disguise *
* Circumstance beyond my control *
* But I just don'''t wanna let go *
* Did I hear you calling my name?
* All the words keep sounding the same *
* Calling out to everyone
* It'''s the last day under the sun *
* As I'''m waiting
* For an elevator
* That can take me
* Anywhere
* But here
*
("I Don'''t Wanna Be" playing)
*
* I don'''t wanna be anything
* Other than what I'''ve been trying to be lately *
* All I have to do is think of me *
* And have peace of mind
* I came from the mountain *
* The crust of creation
* My whole situation'''s made from clay, dust, stone *
* And now I'''m telling everybody *
* I don'''t wanna be anything
* Other than what I'''ve been trying to be lately *
* All I have to do is think of me *
* And have peace of mind
* I'''m tired of looking '''round rooms *
* wondering what I gotta do
* Or who I'''m supposed to be
* I don'''t wanna be anything
* Other than me
* I don'''t wanna be
* Hey, yeah Hey, yeah *
* I don'''t wanna be
* Oh, oh
* I don'''t wanna be
* I don'''t wanna be anything
* Anything other than me
* I don'''t wanna be
* Hey, yeah, yeah
I don'''t wanna be *
* Hey, yeah, yeah
* Hey, yeah...