1
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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

2
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Hmph.

3
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<i>Welcome to Zombieland.</i>

4
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,779
<i>Back for seconds?
After all this time?</i>

5
00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:50,514
<i>Well, what can I say,
but thank you.</i>

6
00:00:50,516 --> 00:00:51,983
<i>You have a lot of choices</i>

7
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,852
<i>when it comes to
zombie entertainment,</i>

8
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,487
<i>and we appreciate
you picking us.</i>

9
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,953
<i>So you know how Eskimos</i>

10
00:00:56,955 --> 00:00:58,990
<i>have a bunch of words for snow?</i>

11
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<i>The only reason we've survived
the last several years</i>

12
00:01:05,364 --> 00:01:07,764
<i>is we've gotten to know
our bloodthirsty enemies</i>

13
00:01:07,766 --> 00:01:09,301
<i>better than we know ourselves.</i>

14
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,034
<i>In the time since
we last saw you,</i>

15
00:01:11,036 --> 00:01:12,770
<i>zombies have evolved,</i>

16
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:14,504
<i>so we've given them
different names.</i>

17
00:01:15,908 --> 00:01:17,674
<i>This lady here
is getting chased</i>

18
00:01:17,676 --> 00:01:20,844
<i>by the dumbest Z there is,
what we call a Homer.</i>

19
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,248
<i>In a world without YouTube,</i>

20
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:26,885
<i>who isn't entertained
by a Homer?</i>

21
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,158
<i>D'oh!</i>

22
00:01:41,366 --> 00:01:43,734
<i>Unfortunately, for every Homer,</i>

23
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<i>there's a Hawking,
as in Stephen.</i>

24
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<i>Or maybe his slightly less
accomplished sister, Beatrix,</i>

25
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<i>who's still got some brains
left to figure shit out.</i>

26
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Open, open!

27
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<i>Clever girl.</i>

28
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<i>Okay. Last one.</i>

29
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<i>Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what was that?</i>

30
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:25,543
<i>Okay, all right.
Well, this time,</i>

31
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:27,613
<i>let's play Name That Zombie.</i>

32
00:02:28,714 --> 00:02:29,682
Hello?

33
00:02:32,451 --> 00:02:33,486
Hello?

34
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<i>The Ninja. Silent, deadly.</i>

35
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<i>The first thing you hear
is your own scream.</i>

36
00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:57,442
<i>You can imagine how thrilled we
were to crack the zombie code.</i>

37
00:02:57,444 --> 00:03:01,444
<i>But life is about more
than just survival.</i>

38
00:03:01,446 --> 00:03:04,048
<i>Ever since we were evicted
from our normal lives,</i>

39
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:07,651
<i>I'd been searching for a place
to put down roots.</i>

40
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<i>My old pal Tallahassee has this
saying, "Go big or go home."</i>

41
00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:15,928
<i>It's not his signature phrase,
but it did give me an idea.</i>

42
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<i>Why not go big...</i>

43
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:20,765
<i>and go home?</i>

44
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<i>♪ End of passion play ♪</i>

45
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,965
<i>♪ Crumbling away ♪</i>

46
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:58,302
<i>♪ I'm your source
of self-destruction ♪</i>

47
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,572
<i>♪ Veins that pump with fear ♪</i>

48
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,640
<i>♪ Sucking darkest clear ♪</i>

49
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:06,777
<i>♪ Leading on
Your death's construction ♪</i>

50
00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:09,146
<i>♪ Taste me
You will see ♪</i>

51
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:11,015
<i>♪ More is all you need ♪</i>

52
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:15,422
<i>♪ You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you ♪</i>

53
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:22,596
<i>♪ Come crawling faster ♪</i>

54
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,967
<i>♪ Obey your master ♪</i>

55
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:33,504
<i>♪ Your life burns faster ♪</i>

56
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:35,872
<i>♪ Obey your master ♪</i>

57
00:04:35,874 --> 00:04:38,074
<i>♪ Master
Master of puppets ♪</i>

58
00:04:38,076 --> 00:04:41,011
<i>♪ I'm pulling your strings ♪</i>

59
00:04:41,013 --> 00:04:44,815
<i>♪ Twisting your mind
And smashing your dreams ♪</i>

60
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:47,884
<i>♪ Blinded by me
You can't see a thing ♪</i>

61
00:04:47,886 --> 00:04:51,021
<i>♪ Just call my name
'Cause I'll hear you scream ♪</i>

62
00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:53,290
<i>♪ Master
Master ♪</i>

63
00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:56,927
<i>♪ Master of puppets
I'm pulling your strings ♪</i>

64
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,266
<i>♪ Twisting your mind
and smashing your... ♪</i>

65
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:04,468
Hail to
the motherfucking chief.

66
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,538
<i>There are worse places</i>

67
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:08,906
<i>to hang your hat.</i>

68
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:10,742
<i>Casa Blanca.</i>

69
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,543
Wait, why does he get
to be president?

70
00:05:13,545 --> 00:05:15,947
I would have made
a damn fine president.

71
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,249
Kissed a few hands,
shook a few babies.

72
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,851
You would have brought
a real dignity to the office.

73
00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:22,786
- Thank you.
- You don't have what it takes.

74
00:05:22,788 --> 00:05:24,221
- I'll be president.
- Heh!

75
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:26,456
And I nominate Little Rock
as my VP.

76
00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:28,425
So that means
I get to be president

77
00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:29,995
if you get killed by zombies.

78
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,661
That wasn't
what I was thinking

79
00:05:31,663 --> 00:05:34,232
when I offered you
the position, but yes.

80
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:36,800
<i>I have this rule:</i>

81
00:05:36,802 --> 00:05:38,435
<i>Enjoy the little things.</i>

82
00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:40,536
<i>Which is what we spent
a lot of time doing</i>

83
00:05:40,538 --> 00:05:42,439
<i>in those early days
at the White House.</i>

84
00:05:42,441 --> 00:05:44,074
<i>And it was a really
special time,</i>

85
00:05:44,076 --> 00:05:45,643
<i>making a house our home.</i>

86
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:51,115
<i>♪ Happy birthday to... ♪</i>

87
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:54,485
Shooting up, not to.
All right. Nice!

88
00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:01,658
<i>Wichita and I fell into
our own version of domestic bliss.</i>

89
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:05,764
<i>Well, not quite bliss,
but domesticity to be sure.</i>

90
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,497
Did Abe's blindfold
fall off again?

91
00:06:07,499 --> 00:06:09,533
No, it did not fall off.
I took it off.

92
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,802
It's so creepy.
He stares at us all night.

93
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,670
That stare emancipated
the slaves,

94
00:06:13,672 --> 00:06:15,173
and ended the Civil War.

95
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,175
We should be grateful
he's gawking at us.

96
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,843
Remember what happened the last
time you took the blindfold off?

97
00:06:19,845 --> 00:06:21,946
You made me sleep
on the Lincoln couch?

98
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:23,316
Mm-hm.

99
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,021
- Is that better?
- Much better.

100
00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:32,488
Good.

101
00:06:32,490 --> 00:06:35,326
<i>I love you so much, baby.</i>

102
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,995
You are so gorgeous.

103
00:06:38,997 --> 00:06:41,165
We really need
to find you someone.

104
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:42,966
That's where you're wrong.

105
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,870
Any romance left in me
belongs to the Beast here.

106
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:49,175
Okay. Well, then we need
to find someone for me.

107
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Heh, heh, heh,
shouldn't be a problem,

108
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:55,480
long as you're open
to dating zombies.

109
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:58,649
So you're saying what? I'm
never gonna find a boyfriend,

110
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,851
or get married, have a family?

111
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:05,723
We're you family, so one
out of three ain't bad.

112
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:08,692
<i>Little Rock had a
strong desire to leave the nest.</i>

113
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,427
<i>And let's just say Tallahassee</i>

114
00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,663
<i>wasn't the most understanding
father figure.</i>

115
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:13,964
Little Rock!

116
00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:15,398
<i>But for better or worse,</i>

117
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,867
<i>we were a family.</i>

118
00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:18,802
<i>And for the first time
since the virus,</i>

119
00:07:18,804 --> 00:07:20,737
<i>we were living somewhere
truly safe,</i>

120
00:07:20,739 --> 00:07:23,910
<i>making every day feel like...
Well, like Christmas morning.</i>

121
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:27,948
Hello? Ho-ho-ho!

122
00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:30,615
Merry Christmas!

123
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,283
- Hey, Tal.
- Santa.

124
00:07:33,285 --> 00:07:36,187
What would you like for
Christmas, little girl? A pony?

125
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,023
I'd like you to stop calling me
"little girl."

126
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:42,259
Well, technically, you are
little and you're a girl.

127
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:46,062
I am not a little girl, but
do you know what I would like?

128
00:07:46,064 --> 00:07:48,333
I don't give a fuck
what you'd like.

129
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,401
<i>Not to
sound too sentimental,</i>

130
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,069
<i>but those days
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue</i>

131
00:07:53,071 --> 00:07:55,339
<i>may have been the best days
of my life,</i>

132
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,076
<i>and that's counting pre-Z.</i>

133
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,045
Wait a second.

134
00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:03,413
Oh, my God. No.

135
00:08:03,415 --> 00:08:06,917
A first-edition Tolkien,
and you wrote in it.

136
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:10,053
There's my name, marring this
perfectly preserved paper.

137
00:08:10,055 --> 00:08:11,721
Thank you. And yours too.

138
00:08:11,723 --> 00:08:14,893
You didn't stop.
Thank you so much.

139
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,927
It's a bit touching.

140
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:19,396
Hey, you know, I couldn't
find any wrapping paper,

141
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:21,632
but don't worry about it.
Just tear it open.

142
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,268
It doesn't matter.
It's only Taft.

143
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:27,704
He was our fattest president,
so there's a lot left over

144
00:08:27,706 --> 00:08:29,706
if you need some wrapping paper.

145
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:32,011
Columbus, I didn't get
anything from you.

146
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:36,179
Just what I wanted.
Another gun.

147
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:40,317
Oh, hey, well, not just any gun.
A Colt .45.

148
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:44,154
And not just any Colt .45.
The King's.

149
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:48,292
- England? Denmark? Lichtenstein?
- There's only one king.

150
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:52,332
Elvis Aaron fucking Presley,
the greatest who ever lived.

151
00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:55,099
The king of kings.

152
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:58,269
He gave this gun to Nixon
when he visited the White House,

153
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:02,240
and I give it to you,
locked and loaded.

154
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,676
Yeah, he used to shoot
that Colt in his backyard.

155
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:07,610
King's palace,
Memphis, Tennessee.

156
00:09:07,612 --> 00:09:10,081
- I tell you about Graceland?
- Only a hundred times.

157
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,816
We'll go there
together someday.

158
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:14,085
Actually, I'm gonna go
shoot this right now.

159
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:17,288
I think I saw some Zs
down by the reflecting pool.

160
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,023
- I'll go with.
- I'll go by myself.

161
00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:21,625
- It's Christmas.
- It's not fucking Christmas.

162
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:22,661
It's November 17th.

163
00:09:24,663 --> 00:09:27,030
<i>Little Rock was on the
hunt, all right,</i>

164
00:09:27,032 --> 00:09:28,599
<i>for people her own age.</i>

165
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,467
<i>And the thing is,
they were out there.</i>

166
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:32,836
<i>We just made it a point
to keep our distance.</i>

167
00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:35,507
<i>Which would suck if you
were the one stuck in the nest.</i>

168
00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:42,913
God, this is really terrifying,
but totally unrealistic.

169
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,481
Hm...

170
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:45,684
Hey, she'll be fine.

171
00:09:47,319 --> 00:09:49,887
Wish she didn't remind me
so much of me.

172
00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:51,655
Hey, come on.
What's wrong with you?

173
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:54,894
Nothing.

174
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,865
All right.
I wasn't gonna do this now.

175
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:06,637
Okay. Look, you always say that,
like, I play it too safe,

176
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:09,873
and I know we've been in,
like, a bit of a rut lately.

177
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:14,214
So I thought, what better way
to spice things up than to...

178
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:20,583
Get married?

179
00:10:20,585 --> 00:10:23,153
Yeah, well, I was gonna
say, "Get married!" Yay!

180
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,023
- Is that the Hope diamond?
- I certainly <i>hope</i> it is.

181
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,558
I want you to be Miss Ohio.
Or I guess Mrs. Ohio.

182
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,927
This is unfair.
You know how I feel about this.

183
00:10:30,929 --> 00:10:32,562
- What?
- We've talked about this.

184
00:10:32,564 --> 00:10:35,600
In my limited, but absurdly
painful experience,

185
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,734
married people only do
one thing.

186
00:10:37,736 --> 00:10:40,604
- What, fight? We already do that.
- Get divorced.

187
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,373
I don't see us going that route.

188
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,541
I mean, where would
we find the lawyers?

189
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:49,580
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, don't say anything. Yet.

190
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,950
- Okay? This was my fault.
- I put you on the spot.

191
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:56,485
Just think about it, and let me
know whenever you're ready.

192
00:10:56,487 --> 00:10:59,525
Everything will work out
exactly as it's supposed to.

193
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:17,475
Hey, Buttercup. What's wrong?

194
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,110
Get a little too much eggnog
last night?

195
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:22,712
- Bad news.
- Bad news?

196
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:26,149
Well, you know what cancels out
bad news? Good news.

197
00:11:26,151 --> 00:11:28,384
Today is the day
that Wichita says...

198
00:11:28,386 --> 00:11:29,787
Adios.

199
00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:30,824
Hm?

200
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:38,596
"Dear C and T, we feel
like total shit about leaving.

201
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,800
Sorry, not good at notes.
W and LR."

202
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:44,201
Well, yeah.
"Not good at notes"

203
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,139
is a pretty huge understatement.

204
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,307
He's gonna take
this Beast thing pretty hard.

205
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,543
Well, he should learn
to not get so attached.

206
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:55,346
Never get attached.
Remember?

207
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,047
That was the problem
with Columbus,

208
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,282
he got too attached.

209
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,884
Well, with Tallahassee,
it's like

210
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,451
- he thinks he's my dad.
- Sure.

211
00:12:01,453 --> 00:12:03,653
But you are lucky
you don't have a boyfriend.

212
00:12:03,655 --> 00:12:05,789
Have you seen him
use Q-tips?

213
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:08,457
His bedtime routine
took an hour.

214
00:12:08,459 --> 00:12:10,327
- Stop.
- What? God, sorry.

215
00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:12,596
- No, stop! Stop!
- Oh!

216
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:19,905
Namaste.

217
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:23,575
Hi.

218
00:12:26,444 --> 00:12:29,712
<i>Wichita leaving
hit me like a shotgun blast.</i>

219
00:12:29,714 --> 00:12:32,282
<i>So after weeks of feeling sorry
for myself,</i>

220
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:33,951
<i>I thought a little
retail therapy</i>

221
00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,485
<i>might help get her
off my mind.</i>

222
00:12:35,487 --> 00:12:37,453
It's not like
I wanted to start,

223
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:40,191
wedding planning or anything.
I'm not crazy.

224
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,759
Who wants to get married
in winter? Spring, sure.

225
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,162
- Though my hair and humidity...
- Oh, my God!

226
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:48,231
Man, I cannot listen
to this shit anymore.

227
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:51,434
- My God, it's been over a month.
- Yeah, I'm bereft.

228
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:54,538
Okay, I'm giving you
one more day to mope around,

229
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,442
and then you gotta snap
the fuck out of it.

230
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:01,445
This whole "finding a home" idea
of yours has made us soft.

231
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,748
And by us, I mean you.

232
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,716
It's high time that we nut up
and hit the road again.

233
00:13:06,718 --> 00:13:07,850
And by we, I mean me.

234
00:13:07,852 --> 00:13:09,119
That's where I belong.

235
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,389
On my own. Lone wolf.

236
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:14,057
- You're welcome to tag along.
- But when they come back,

237
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,226
- we won't be here.
- They're never coming back!

238
00:13:20,565 --> 00:13:21,664
I got it.

239
00:13:21,666 --> 00:13:24,433
No, no, no, no, no, no.

240
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:26,205
Okay. Uh...

241
00:13:31,242 --> 00:13:33,711
It was good. You shot
your alcohol with your gun.

242
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,558
Not bad, huh?

243
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,663
Hm, no. Not bad,
but definitely no ZKOTY.

244
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:56,299
<i>ZKOTY,
that is "Zombie Kill of the Year."</i>

245
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:58,668
<i>Like a junkie in search
of a higher high,</i>

246
00:13:58,670 --> 00:14:01,638
<i>Tallahassee is no longer happy
with Zombie Kill of the Week.</i>

247
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,407
<i>Which, if you're keeping score,</i>

248
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,743
<i>just went to Dave Sanderman
of Riverside, Iowa.</i>

249
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,177
<i>You may wanna set down
the Milk Duds for this one.</i>

250
00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:09,513
You dead, zombie!

251
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:13,616
Whoo-whee, pig!

252
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:18,589
<i>Congratulations, Dave.</i>

253
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,256
I never told you this before.

254
00:14:20,258 --> 00:14:22,626
In fact, I never told anybody.

255
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:29,232
But I have Native American blood
coursing through my veins.

256
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:33,669
- Like, right now?
- Yeah. Right now.

257
00:14:33,671 --> 00:14:38,442
Blackfoot Indian to be exact.
The freest men in history.

258
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,110
Mid-1800s, roamed the plains,

259
00:14:41,112 --> 00:14:44,447
no houses, no laws,
no possessions,

260
00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:48,152
no chiefs to report to,
no wives to listen to.

261
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:49,255
They listened...

262
00:14:50,555 --> 00:14:52,556
to the call of the buffalo.

263
00:14:53,791 --> 00:14:55,325
And they hunted
those buffalo

264
00:14:55,327 --> 00:15:00,732
by herding them off the cliff
to their deaths.

265
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:07,037
- The great buffalo jump.
- Whoa.

266
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:10,907
I don't know why I never told
anyone about my Blackfoot blood.

267
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:13,644
I guess it's
a sacred little secret.

268
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,346
Honestly, you're
the first paleface

269
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:18,181
I have genuinely trusted

270
00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:20,350
because you've always
been there for me.

271
00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:22,818
You care and you listen.
You really listen...

272
00:15:22,820 --> 00:15:24,721
<i>Unless
you're in a 4D theater,</i>

273
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,956
<i>there is no way
I can communicate</i>

274
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,392
<i>how bad Z-land smells,</i>

275
00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:30,827
<i>which is why I like candles
so much.</i>

276
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:32,830
<i>Today, maybe
a frosty gingerbread</i>

277
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,398
<i>or a Bahama breeze.</i>

278
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,698
Mmm.

279
00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:38,302
Whoa!

280
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:41,738
Oh, my God! Please forgive me.
It's fake fur!

281
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,073
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
I thought you were a...

282
00:15:44,075 --> 00:15:46,243
- You thought I was a zombie?
- Yeah. Of course.

283
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,111
Oh, my God, no.
I don't even eat meat.

284
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:51,115
I'm a vegetarian.
Vegan, actually. Heh.

285
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:54,918
- Sorry. Hi, I'm Columbus.
- Madison. Heh-heh.

286
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,387
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

287
00:15:57,389 --> 00:16:00,057
All right. We're hugging.
So soon. Nice to meet you.

288
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:02,426
It's nice
to touch a human.

289
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:03,894
- Don't mind me.
- Oh, hello.

290
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,629
If I can have my body?
Hi, sorry.

291
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,464
This is Tallahassee.
This is Madison.

292
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,234
- Madison, Tallahassee.
- Is this your dad?

293
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:14,705
For shit's sake, slightly older,
better-looking friend.

294
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,972
- Ha, ha, cute.
- You live here?

295
00:16:16,974 --> 00:16:21,412
No, Paul Blart. I live in the
freezer in Pinkberry, mm-hm.

296
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,681
It keeps the zombies out,
though it is awfully chilly.

297
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,251
Do you ever consider
turning it off?

298
00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,421
Couldn't find the switch
anywhere.

299
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,522
Just hoping the electricity
would run out.

300
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:35,592
It's amazing. As long as it
rains, the dams give us power.

301
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:37,162
Apparently not brain power.

302
00:16:39,564 --> 00:16:41,465
I feel like
you're being super judgy.

303
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:45,469
Like, I'm getting
a real anti-me vibe off of you.

304
00:16:45,471 --> 00:16:47,437
- Are you?
- Oh, my God. There it was again.

305
00:16:47,439 --> 00:16:49,605
- Yeah, I saw it.
- And that's hurtful, okay?

306
00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:51,807
I'm, like, really good
at surviving.

307
00:16:51,809 --> 00:16:54,177
I carry a can of mace
with me everywhere I go.

308
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,679
And I can run really, really,
really, really fast.

309
00:16:56,681 --> 00:16:59,417
Probably because I used to do
hot yoga and SoulCycle.

310
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,586
Cardio! Sorry, I do
a lot of cardio too.

311
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:05,922
It's actually my number one
rule, which is so dorky.

312
00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:08,592
But I have a list of rules
for surviving Zombieland.

313
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:09,626
- Really?
- Yeah.

314
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:11,494
- So do I!
- You have rules

315
00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:13,829
- for surviving Zombieland?
- Mine is just mostly

316
00:17:13,831 --> 00:17:15,598
- stay in the freezer.
- Oh.

317
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,434
You know, we set up camp,

318
00:17:18,436 --> 00:17:20,436
like, down the road
at the White House.

319
00:17:21,773 --> 00:17:23,307
The White House?
Oh, my God.

320
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:24,840
Would you wanna come hang out?

321
00:17:24,842 --> 00:17:26,644
- I would love that.
- Cool.

322
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,612
Okay. How many rules
do you have?

323
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:31,748
- You wanna know about my rules?
- I wanna hear all of them.

324
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:35,085
- Well, number two is double tap.
- Double tap.

325
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,988
- Double tap, yes.
- Double tap you.

326
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,691
- You got me. I'm murdered.
- Ha-ha-ha.

327
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:43,125
<i>Okay, yeah,
I know what you're thinking.</i>

328
00:17:43,127 --> 00:17:44,862
<i>She's absolutely not my type.</i>

329
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,762
<i>But after Wichita
broke my heart,</i>

330
00:17:46,764 --> 00:17:48,766
<i>I was just excited
to talk to somebody</i>

331
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:51,669
<i>who smelled like a candle,
and not whiskey and gunpowder.</i>

332
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,336
So Wichita and
Little Rock left.

333
00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:55,838
It was just us guys again.
You know, bachelors.

334
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,407
This guy. You know,
making a mess.

335
00:17:58,409 --> 00:18:02,913
Which actually brings me
to rule number 53, Wet-Naps.

336
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,749
- Wow.
- Yeah.

337
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,684
I can't believe that you keep
all this stuff in your head.

338
00:18:08,686 --> 00:18:09,752
Heh, thank you.

339
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,422
- It's amazing.
- Thank you.

340
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,823
- You know, you're really lucky.
- What?

341
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:17,827
That you found someone so smart
to take care of you.

342
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:21,265
Most people your age,
they get left all by themselves,

343
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,400
and that can be so sad.

344
00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:26,869
- Yeah. I am so lucky.
- Oh!

345
00:18:28,473 --> 00:18:30,907
Can we have a little summit
in the Oval Office?

346
00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:31,974
Yeah, sure.

347
00:18:31,976 --> 00:18:33,710
You guys, I can't believe

348
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:37,480
we're in the White House.
This is soy random.

349
00:18:37,482 --> 00:18:40,483
You got to broom this girl.
You know why she's still alive?

350
00:18:40,485 --> 00:18:43,721
Because zombies eat brains,
and she ain't got any!

351
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,255
All right? It doesn't matter

352
00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,391
because I'm hitting
the road come sunup.

353
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,991
- Columbus?
- Yes?

354
00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:50,760
Could you maybe give me a tour?

355
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:54,230
Whoa, this is the Oval Office.

356
00:18:54,232 --> 00:18:56,032
Why do they call it that?

357
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,202
- You ready?
- You ready?

358
00:19:00,204 --> 00:19:01,604
- I'm ready too.
- I'm ready.

359
00:19:01,606 --> 00:19:02,575
- Great.
- Too.

360
00:19:04,976 --> 00:19:06,477
- Let's go.
- He's kind of funny.

361
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,578
Yeah, he's great.
Try not to speak to him.

362
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,779
Okay.

363
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,815
The main attraction.

364
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,450
Ta-da, the Lincoln bedroom.

365
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,885
Believe it or not,
Lincoln never even slept here.

366
00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:18,454
I didn't actually
want a tour, silly.

367
00:19:18,456 --> 00:19:20,156
- What? Oh.
- Hi.

368
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,458
Hi.

369
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,726
Mm-mm, mm-mm.

370
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,161
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

371
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:28,031
- Don't you think that I'm pretty?
- Yes, you're very pretty.

372
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,901
You're like, "Girl
in Apartment 406" pretty.

373
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,135
I just... I feel
kind of guilty.

374
00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:35,739
Because of Jesus?

375
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,343
I know ways around that.

376
00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:44,413
- No, no. I... Please. I can't.
- Okay, look,

377
00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:46,316
I've been alone in a freezer
for years.

378
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,152
So either we're doing
this right now,

379
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:52,088
or I am biting the bullet,
and I am doing the old guy.

380
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:53,024
Okay.

381
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:56,492
God! You're so hot!
Oh my God!

382
00:19:56,494 --> 00:19:58,994
- It's the humidity.
- Oh, yes!

383
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:04,569
Holy...

384
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:09,440
Nutting up, definitely
not shutting up.

385
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,644
Yeah!

386
00:20:25,456 --> 00:20:28,124
- Aah! Oh, shit!
- Oh! Whoa!

387
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,626
Sorry, it's Washington's
old flintlock.

388
00:20:30,628 --> 00:20:33,328
It's a gift to Eisenhower
from the emperor of Japan.

389
00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:34,530
Oh, touché.

390
00:20:34,532 --> 00:20:35,999
- I heard a strange noise.
- Yeah.

391
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:38,134
I've been hearing
some strange noises too.

392
00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,369
Oh, yeah. That was us
having sex.

393
00:20:40,371 --> 00:20:42,838
Rule number one.

394
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,175
Yeah, maybe rule number 32
for her.

395
00:20:46,177 --> 00:20:47,213
What? Hey.

396
00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:50,049
Okay. Ready?

397
00:20:51,482 --> 00:20:53,516
- Go!
- Okay, let's go. Come on.

398
00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:56,222
Oh, fuck. Shit.

399
00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:00,891
- Honey, I'm home.
- Oh, my God, you're back.

400
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,093
I mean, you're back
or whatever. That's cool.

401
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,095
I'm not staying.
I came to get weapons.

402
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,329
At 1:00 in the morning?

403
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,632
Yeah, after a month missing.

404
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,034
Little Rock's gone.

405
00:21:23,848 --> 00:21:27,217
It was great. It felt so good
to be on the move again.

406
00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:31,387
We've been having a really
good time here too. Together.

407
00:21:31,389 --> 00:21:35,025
We picked up someone new.
Just a boy.

408
00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:37,394
He's a couple years older
than Little Rock,

409
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:38,595
and he's from Berkeley.

410
00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:40,663
- Berkeley?
- Mm-hm.

411
00:21:40,665 --> 00:21:42,098
♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪

412
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:44,067
- <i>You said Berkeley?</i>
- <i>Yes.</i>

413
00:21:44,069 --> 00:21:47,203
<i>Berke-fucking-ley?</i>

414
00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:51,008
- ♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
- <i>He plays the guitar.</i>

415
00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:52,375
Shut the fuck up right now!

416
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:54,178
I know what you're about
to tell me.

417
00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:56,546
She's dating a musician!

418
00:21:56,548 --> 00:22:00,453
Come on, don't you think you're,
like, overreacting a little bit?

419
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:06,123
Yeah. Yeah. No, I could be
overreacting.

420
00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:07,859
I'm... I'm sorry.
You're right.

421
00:22:09,261 --> 00:22:10,559
You go ahead.

422
00:22:10,561 --> 00:22:12,962
And he's a pacifist.

423
00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:15,399
He has survived
on a strict policy

424
00:22:15,401 --> 00:22:17,770
of conflict avoidance,
like Gandhi.

425
00:22:18,936 --> 00:22:22,271
No!

426
00:22:22,273 --> 00:22:23,940
No!

427
00:22:23,942 --> 00:22:27,344
Birkenstocks, sandals,
wheatgrass!

428
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,578
Fucking basketballs!

429
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:41,657
No, I really... I have
nothing against pacifists.

430
00:22:41,659 --> 00:22:45,461
I just wanna beat
the shit out of them.

431
00:22:45,463 --> 00:22:51,102
♪ This is my message to you ♪

432
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:58,607
Wow, I mean...
You have a beautiful voice.

433
00:22:58,609 --> 00:23:01,477
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- Yeah.

434
00:23:01,479 --> 00:23:05,981
Hey, have you ever heard
of this place, Graceland?

435
00:23:05,983 --> 00:23:09,185
Elvis was a fraud.
He ripped off the black man.

436
00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:13,824
Oh. I... I don't know. I've just
always wanted to go there.

437
00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:16,326
Yeah, me too. Yeah.

438
00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:21,464
- Graceland would be cool.
- Yeah. Yeah, it would be.

439
00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:23,499
<i>I was adamant
it was a dumb idea,</i>

440
00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:27,136
so I did what I never do
with her, I told her no.

441
00:23:27,138 --> 00:23:29,038
You can guess
what happened next.

442
00:23:33,511 --> 00:23:37,683
<i>She left a note,
and then she hit the road.</i>

443
00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:48,024
Does anyone else
get the irony in that? Huh?

444
00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:50,661
I'm so worried, you guys.

445
00:23:50,663 --> 00:23:52,229
They're traveling
all that way,

446
00:23:52,231 --> 00:23:54,130
and all they have
is a fucking guitar.

447
00:23:54,132 --> 00:23:56,866
Yeah, with no intention
of ever swinging it at anything.

448
00:23:56,868 --> 00:23:58,468
You know, because
he's a hippie.

449
00:23:58,470 --> 00:24:00,336
She's supposed to be
killing the dead,

450
00:24:00,338 --> 00:24:02,404
- not following them.
- Oh, God.

451
00:24:02,406 --> 00:24:04,339
There's something going on
out there.

452
00:24:04,341 --> 00:24:06,576
- What?
- Berkeley told us

453
00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:08,377
about this new kind of zombie

454
00:24:08,379 --> 00:24:10,881
that's stronger, and faster,

455
00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:14,517
and deadlier and better
adapted to the hunt.

456
00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,752
I'm sorry, but that
sounds totally made up.

457
00:24:16,754 --> 00:24:18,954
If you want us to come
with you, just ask us.

458
00:24:18,956 --> 00:24:21,457
Honestly, I just came back
for guns and ammunition.

459
00:24:21,459 --> 00:24:23,259
Come on. Stop begging.
We'll do it.

460
00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:24,928
You know, this is
all your fault.

461
00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:26,695
- Me?
- If you hadn't pushed her away...

462
00:24:26,697 --> 00:24:28,065
Well,
not exactly, no.

463
00:24:28,067 --> 00:24:29,432
I didn't just run
from him.

464
00:24:29,434 --> 00:24:30,770
She ran from you too.

465
00:24:32,436 --> 00:24:33,571
What?

466
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:37,906
You... You mean well,
but you're...

467
00:24:37,908 --> 00:24:39,244
kind of overbearing.

468
00:24:40,444 --> 00:24:42,878
Oh, right.
I'm overbearing?

469
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,413
She's not a kid
anymore.

470
00:24:44,415 --> 00:24:46,382
Yeah, she's not a kid,
but I don't know,

471
00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:48,017
it sounds like
she needs us.

472
00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:50,155
Whatever.
We're gonna go get her.

473
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:53,457
We ride at dawn.

474
00:24:53,459 --> 00:24:55,928
Once she's safe,
I'm going my own way.

475
00:24:58,730 --> 00:25:02,132
So no goodbye,
just like...

476
00:25:02,134 --> 00:25:04,134
- Yeah, I'm terrible at notes.
- A lame note.

477
00:25:04,136 --> 00:25:06,771
Yeah, I know. You mentioned
that in the note.

478
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,341
Uh, I, uh...

479
00:25:11,842 --> 00:25:15,179
I might have overreacted
a little bit.

480
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:17,313
I mean, the proposal
kind of spooked me.

481
00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:18,748
Mm-hm.

482
00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:20,553
You know what
I'm trying to say.

483
00:25:22,253 --> 00:25:24,119
Oh, God. I'm sorry.

484
00:25:24,121 --> 00:25:26,189
You know how hard it is
for me to say that

485
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:28,525
because I hate women
who are always apologizing

486
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,926
for things they have
no reason to apologize for.

487
00:25:30,928 --> 00:25:35,867
But in this particular instance,
I actually am really sorry.

488
00:25:37,969 --> 00:25:41,104
Well, thank you.
That actually does mean a lot.

489
00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:43,339
I don't know.
Maybe this could be like a...

490
00:25:43,341 --> 00:25:44,944
Like a turning point for us.

491
00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:47,943
Yeah, maybe.

492
00:25:47,945 --> 00:25:50,814
Columbus,
you coming back to bed?

493
00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:57,153
Wow.

494
00:25:57,155 --> 00:25:59,321
Oh... Oh, boy.

495
00:25:59,323 --> 00:26:01,059
I mean, wow!

496
00:26:03,627 --> 00:26:08,067
Glad we had this little talk.
Real turning point.

497
00:26:10,034 --> 00:26:11,102
Hi.

498
00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:16,541
- Is that your sister?
- Oh, fuck.

499
00:26:21,046 --> 00:26:22,746
You definitely
don't need any help.

500
00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:23,913
- No, I've got it.
- Cool.

501
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,382
The Beast is back.

502
00:26:25,384 --> 00:26:28,984
I cannot wait to get my hands
behind the...

503
00:26:28,986 --> 00:26:32,721
What the fuck?

504
00:26:32,723 --> 00:26:35,692
No, no, no, no, no.

505
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:40,230
No way is that GD minivan
even sniffing at Graceland,

506
00:26:40,232 --> 00:26:43,833
home to perhaps
America's finest automobile,

507
00:26:43,835 --> 00:26:47,471
Elvis' 1955 Fleetwood Series 60.

508
00:26:47,473 --> 00:26:52,174
No. You know, it takes a real
man to drive a pink Cadillac.

509
00:26:53,377 --> 00:26:56,480
Might make that
a rule of my own.

510
00:26:56,482 --> 00:26:57,980
On second thought, fuck that,

511
00:26:57,982 --> 00:27:00,016
rules are for pussies.
Nothing personal.

512
00:27:00,018 --> 00:27:02,019
How could it not be?
That's my thing.

513
00:27:02,021 --> 00:27:03,752
Yeah, you're right.
It was personal.

514
00:27:03,754 --> 00:27:05,355
Yeah. It's gonna be okay.

515
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:06,990
<i>Even Tallahassee knows</i>

516
00:27:06,992 --> 00:27:08,423
<i>beggars can't be choosers.</i>

517
00:27:08,425 --> 00:27:10,493
<i>Vehicles with working batteries
and parts</i>

518
00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:12,261
<i>are way scarcer nowadays,</i>

519
00:27:12,263 --> 00:27:14,763
<i>thanks to years
of neglect and decline.</i>

520
00:27:14,765 --> 00:27:15,932
Breakaway mirror.

521
00:27:15,934 --> 00:27:17,767
<i>We can't be so picky anymore.</i>

522
00:27:17,769 --> 00:27:19,969
- Clear.
- What? Oh, okay.

523
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,903
- Booyah.
- Okay.

524
00:27:21,905 --> 00:27:23,341
Heh!

525
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:29,045
- This never happened.
- I'll get the door.

526
00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:31,283
I got it.
I'm gonna lay in the back.

527
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:34,549
- Oh, catch.
- Oh!

528
00:27:34,551 --> 00:27:37,286
Shoot. Heh, I got it!

529
00:27:37,288 --> 00:27:40,789
What in the butt?

530
00:27:40,791 --> 00:27:42,625
- Ah, shit.
- What?

531
00:27:42,627 --> 00:27:43,893
- Hi!
- Hi.

532
00:27:45,530 --> 00:27:47,096
Are we dropping her off

533
00:27:47,098 --> 00:27:48,798
at an animal shelter
or something?

534
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,098
She's a human being.

535
00:27:50,100 --> 00:27:52,101
We're not gonna
leave her here alone.

536
00:27:52,103 --> 00:27:55,038
We can't
just leave Columbus' girlfriend.

537
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,471
Okay.

538
00:27:56,473 --> 00:27:57,774
A minivan. Nice.

539
00:27:57,776 --> 00:27:59,107
I'm not gonna feel guilty.

540
00:27:59,109 --> 00:28:00,710
You left me in
the harshest way.

541
00:28:00,712 --> 00:28:01,912
You recovered quickly.

542
00:28:01,914 --> 00:28:03,913
- Well, thank you.
- Can you help me?

543
00:28:03,915 --> 00:28:05,414
- I got it.
- Okay.

544
00:28:05,416 --> 00:28:07,115
- It's just, like, heavy.
- No problem.

545
00:28:07,117 --> 00:28:08,884
- Thank you.
- Go ahead, get in.

546
00:28:08,886 --> 00:28:11,022
Okay. You are so nice.

547
00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:23,133
Ah, Makkapitew, Askuwheteau,
Sunukkuhkau...

548
00:28:23,135 --> 00:28:24,666
Is he having a seizure?

549
00:28:24,668 --> 00:28:27,135
I'm trying out
Blackfoot names,

550
00:28:27,137 --> 00:28:29,873
so full shushy or you
go back in your mall fridge.

551
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,307
Okay.

552
00:28:31,309 --> 00:28:34,210
Oh, I didn't tell you.
We met at the mall.

553
00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:37,480
- Mm.
- Yeah. I was living there.

554
00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:39,383
Like <i>Dawn of the Dead.</i>

555
00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:42,852
Last I checked,
it's the post-acropolis.

556
00:28:42,854 --> 00:28:46,788
It was so sad when
the acropolis struck.

557
00:28:46,790 --> 00:28:48,325
Yeah, I know.

558
00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:50,692
Madison, can you remind me,
when we first met,

559
00:28:50,694 --> 00:28:52,827
did you point a gun at me
and steal my car?

560
00:28:52,829 --> 00:28:55,464
No. When we first met,

561
00:28:55,466 --> 00:28:57,800
I told you
you were really smart.

562
00:28:57,802 --> 00:29:01,503
- Oh, yeah.
- And then I slept with you.

563
00:29:01,505 --> 00:29:02,971
That's right. You did.

564
00:29:05,510 --> 00:29:08,443
Road trip! Here we go!

565
00:29:08,445 --> 00:29:10,680
This is gonna be a long drive.

566
00:29:19,723 --> 00:29:22,659
I love the smell of
gunpowder in the morning.

567
00:29:22,661 --> 00:29:25,130
Eh, I'm more of
a patchouli oil guy myself.

568
00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:30,499
You don't...
You don't have weed, do you?

569
00:29:30,501 --> 00:29:33,836
I've always wanted to smoke
way too much weed.

570
00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:35,438
Do I look like
the type of person

571
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,673
that would have weed on me?

572
00:29:37,675 --> 00:29:40,542
Oh, no. I w... That...
I'm sorry, that was...

573
00:29:40,544 --> 00:29:42,912
- Boom, yeah.
- Ha! Oh.

574
00:29:42,914 --> 00:29:45,382
- Of course I do. Oh, I love weed.
- You got me there.

575
00:29:45,384 --> 00:29:48,117
- Look. I mean, look at me.
- Yeah.

576
00:29:48,119 --> 00:29:53,191
I wanted to say it's really nice
to have another woman around.

577
00:29:54,893 --> 00:29:56,058
Yeah.

578
00:29:56,060 --> 00:29:59,228
Like to talk
about relationships.

579
00:29:59,230 --> 00:30:01,433
- Recipes.
- Rings.

580
00:30:02,532 --> 00:30:04,768
Oh, my God.

581
00:30:04,770 --> 00:30:06,371
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.

582
00:30:07,871 --> 00:30:10,740
I know! I found it
in the bedside drawer.

583
00:30:10,742 --> 00:30:13,075
I think it belonged
to the first lady or...

584
00:30:13,077 --> 00:30:14,845
You know what?
I think you're right.

585
00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:17,712
It did belong
to the first lady.

586
00:30:17,714 --> 00:30:20,215
Well, I think it was given
to the first lady,

587
00:30:20,217 --> 00:30:21,916
but she heartlessly
rejected it.

588
00:30:21,918 --> 00:30:26,122
What kind of idiot would
turn down a ring like this?

589
00:30:26,124 --> 00:30:30,292
Maybe an idiot who didn't
wanna be weighed down.

590
00:30:30,294 --> 00:30:32,662
Anchored. Chained
to something immobile.

591
00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:33,762
Hmm...

592
00:30:36,734 --> 00:30:40,103
- Oh, shit. Are you okay?
- Oh, shoot!

593
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:41,770
Forgot the seatbelt rule.

594
00:30:41,772 --> 00:30:44,106
So she knows the rules?

595
00:30:44,108 --> 00:30:45,907
Yeah, I told her
just a few of them.

596
00:30:45,909 --> 00:30:49,645
- Seventy-three. Are there more?
- Nope, that's it.

597
00:30:49,647 --> 00:30:51,780
- I gotta check this out.
- You guys have spent

598
00:30:51,782 --> 00:30:53,383
a lot of time together, huh?

599
00:30:53,385 --> 00:30:54,951
That's sweet.

600
00:30:54,953 --> 00:30:57,820
You're cute together.
I like it.

601
00:30:57,822 --> 00:30:59,654
Oh!

602
00:31:07,565 --> 00:31:08,834
This looks promising.

603
00:31:16,174 --> 00:31:18,807
He's so flexible.

604
00:31:18,809 --> 00:31:21,277
That's what's so great
about him. He's very bendy.

605
00:31:21,279 --> 00:31:23,645
Ohio, whenever
you're done with that...

606
00:31:23,647 --> 00:31:24,750
What? Yeah.

607
00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:28,951
Ah!

608
00:31:28,953 --> 00:31:30,486
What? No. No, no, no.

609
00:31:30,488 --> 00:31:31,854
No way. Nonstarter.

610
00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:33,888
You know how I feel
about clowns.

611
00:31:33,890 --> 00:31:35,791
- No, not that.
- What?

612
00:31:35,793 --> 00:31:38,162
- That.
- Oh.

613
00:31:40,132 --> 00:31:42,201
- Looks good.
- Mm.

614
00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:45,067
- Can I see?
- Hm?

615
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:46,402
Can I see?

616
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:49,471
Yeah. Here you go. Yeah.

617
00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:56,645
- The old man is so tiny.
- Can you see that?

618
00:31:58,015 --> 00:32:00,150
What's-his-name,
you're so tiny.

619
00:32:00,152 --> 00:32:01,518
Now you're not.
Now you are.

620
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:02,951
Now you're not. Now you are.

621
00:32:02,953 --> 00:32:05,121
Now you're not. Now you are.
Now you're not.

622
00:32:05,123 --> 00:32:07,021
Tiny. Big. Tiny!

623
00:32:07,023 --> 00:32:10,392
- She is adorable.
- She is. I'm lucky.

624
00:32:10,394 --> 00:32:12,295
Tiny. Big. Tiny.

625
00:32:13,999 --> 00:32:15,731
You're overreacting, okay?

626
00:32:15,733 --> 00:32:17,299
Madison's not
a real thing.

627
00:32:17,301 --> 00:32:20,068
It was just circumstance.
It was a lack of options.

628
00:32:20,070 --> 00:32:21,971
You could say
the same thing about us.

629
00:32:21,973 --> 00:32:24,640
- What?
- Circumstance, lack of options.

630
00:32:24,642 --> 00:32:26,175
Really? You really think that?

631
00:32:26,177 --> 00:32:28,010
Whereas you two seem
like soul mates.

632
00:32:28,012 --> 00:32:29,778
Destined to share
deep thoughts.

633
00:32:29,780 --> 00:32:32,115
Maybe you're right,
maybe we are soul mates.

634
00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:34,784
Because she's nice, all right?
And I'm nice.

635
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:36,419
And you're not.
You're mean.

636
00:32:36,421 --> 00:32:39,422
- Whatever. I'm not mean.
- Yeah, you're kind of mean.

637
00:32:39,424 --> 00:32:41,690
Well, my sister is missing.
She could be dead.

638
00:32:41,692 --> 00:32:43,726
You're screwing
some Forever 21-year-old.

639
00:32:43,728 --> 00:32:45,461
So if I wanna be mean,
I'll be mean.

640
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,130
I don't have
the right shoes.

641
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:49,865
Oh, you could borrow
a pair of my strappy sandals.

642
00:32:49,867 --> 00:32:50,935
- Really?
- Mm-hm.

643
00:32:52,870 --> 00:32:56,505
Kidding. You... She was ki...
You guys are all very sarcastic.

644
00:32:56,507 --> 00:32:59,674
Yeah, they're not nice people.
Sorry. Just try to ignore them.

645
00:32:59,676 --> 00:33:02,612
- Yeah. Yeah. Ignore us.
- Please, God, ignore us.

646
00:33:02,614 --> 00:33:04,149
Ah, see? Mean.

647
00:33:07,018 --> 00:33:09,184
All right!

648
00:33:09,186 --> 00:33:10,853
This is what
I'm talking about.

649
00:33:10,855 --> 00:33:13,256
We're finally gonna be
riding in style.

650
00:33:13,258 --> 00:33:16,759
I partied with 3 Doors Down
in one of these. It was so...

651
00:33:16,761 --> 00:33:18,693
Oh, shit.

652
00:33:23,367 --> 00:33:24,465
What?

653
00:33:25,636 --> 00:33:27,236
Man, we're getting
good at this.

654
00:33:27,238 --> 00:33:29,271
- Columbus.
- Tallahassee.

655
00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:30,774
- The hood is 12 o'clock.
- Yes.

656
00:33:30,776 --> 00:33:32,678
Trunk is 6. You're our eyes.

657
00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:36,178
Hey, don't worry,
you guys.

658
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:39,280
They are much more afraid of us
than we are of them.

659
00:33:39,282 --> 00:33:42,017
God, that is not even
remotely true.

660
00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:44,653
- Well, what do I do?
- You know how cheerleaders

661
00:33:44,655 --> 00:33:46,088
- form a pyramid?
- Yeah.

662
00:33:46,090 --> 00:33:47,524
And the three on the bottom

663
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:49,424
- anchor the pyramid?
- Oh, yeah.

664
00:33:49,426 --> 00:33:52,428
I don't give a shit what you do,
just stay out of my way.

665
00:33:52,430 --> 00:33:54,829
Okay, 8 o'clock. Eight o'clock.

666
00:33:54,831 --> 00:33:58,134
Did you say the front was 12?
Oh, fuck me. Sorry. Two o'clock.

667
00:33:58,136 --> 00:34:01,103
Eleven! Eleven! Seven-thirty!

668
00:34:01,105 --> 00:34:03,239
Six o'clock. Six!

669
00:34:03,241 --> 00:34:05,074
I'll get 6.

670
00:34:06,176 --> 00:34:07,509
Uh, shit. One-fifteen.

671
00:34:07,511 --> 00:34:08,511
One-thirteen, 1:20.

672
00:34:08,513 --> 00:34:09,912
It's moving that way.

673
00:34:09,914 --> 00:34:11,680
Why is everyone
shouting numbers?

674
00:34:11,682 --> 00:34:13,115
Eleven!

675
00:34:13,117 --> 00:34:14,151
- Twelve!
- Six!

676
00:34:15,854 --> 00:34:17,486
Two o'clock!

677
00:34:17,488 --> 00:34:18,390
Eight.

678
00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:21,827
- Six o'clock.
- Shit.

679
00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:26,898
One o'clock. Six-thirty.

680
00:34:29,033 --> 00:34:30,732
Ten! Eight!

681
00:34:31,803 --> 00:34:32,968
- Eight!
- Shit.

682
00:34:34,037 --> 00:34:35,136
Shit!

683
00:34:40,845 --> 00:34:43,546
- Narsty!
- Thank you.

684
00:34:43,548 --> 00:34:44,546
You're welcome.

685
00:34:44,548 --> 00:34:46,482
One o'clock! Two-thirty.

686
00:34:46,484 --> 00:34:47,586
Three! One!

687
00:34:49,386 --> 00:34:50,689
Okay. I'll get 3.

688
00:34:52,490 --> 00:34:53,689
Right on time, Columbus.

689
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:56,758
One o'clock! Ten-thirty!

690
00:34:59,830 --> 00:35:01,196
Eleven! Eleven!

691
00:35:01,198 --> 00:35:02,899
Actually, it's a Homer.

692
00:35:02,901 --> 00:35:05,834
Abort! Abort 11.
Don't waste a bullet.

693
00:35:05,836 --> 00:35:08,870
- Hawking! Hawking!
- What? Oh, shit!

694
00:35:15,180 --> 00:35:16,479
Yay!

695
00:35:17,848 --> 00:35:20,082
- Aah, he's trying to bite me!
- Ninja! Ninja!

696
00:35:20,084 --> 00:35:21,352
Oh, my God!

697
00:35:23,053 --> 00:35:25,220
You saved me.

698
00:35:25,222 --> 00:35:26,524
All right. Settle down.

699
00:35:30,193 --> 00:35:33,895
- Hey, Tal, 1 o'clock.
- Pardon me, Pop-Tart.

700
00:35:33,897 --> 00:35:35,598
Not quite done yet.

701
00:35:44,874 --> 00:35:46,209
What the fuck?

702
00:35:50,749 --> 00:35:52,584
Try to dodge me, motherfucker.

703
00:35:54,452 --> 00:35:58,220
<i>This was our first T-800,</i>

704
00:35:58,222 --> 00:36:00,622
<i>named for the Terminator
it-fucking-self.</i>

705
00:36:00,624 --> 00:36:01,756
Uh...

706
00:36:01,758 --> 00:36:03,691
- Tal?
- Yup?

707
00:36:07,798 --> 00:36:10,765
<i>T-800s were a
mutated strain of zombie,</i>

708
00:36:10,767 --> 00:36:13,905
<i>stronger, deadlier
and harder to kill.</i>

709
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,477
One plus one
is still two, right?

710
00:36:25,082 --> 00:36:29,451
<i>They were the apex
predator, top of the food chain.</i>

711
00:36:29,453 --> 00:36:32,287
<i>Single-minded and relentless
like their namesake,</i>

712
00:36:32,289 --> 00:36:34,055
<i>once they locked on
to a target,</i>

713
00:36:34,057 --> 00:36:36,660
<i>T-800s stopped at nothing
to devour their prey.</i>

714
00:36:37,761 --> 00:36:39,964
What the ever-loving fuck?

715
00:36:52,176 --> 00:36:53,709
Ew.

716
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:55,812
<i>Seeing that T-800 firsthand</i>

717
00:36:55,814 --> 00:36:57,345
<i>was all the more worrisome</i>

718
00:36:57,347 --> 00:36:59,314
<i>knowing that Little Rock
was out there</i>

719
00:36:59,316 --> 00:37:01,520
<i>with nothing but a hippie
and a guitar.</i>

720
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:07,526
♪ Like a rollin' stone ♪

721
00:37:09,493 --> 00:37:12,861
Okay.
That song is amazing.

722
00:37:12,863 --> 00:37:13,995
Did you write that?

723
00:37:16,434 --> 00:37:18,133
Wa... Was that a dumb question?

724
00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:20,502
Sorry, I was like 11
when the zombies took over.

725
00:37:20,504 --> 00:37:21,770
Not a dumb question.

726
00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:23,339
I was laughing
because you think

727
00:37:23,341 --> 00:37:24,939
I'd play some
stupid cover song.

728
00:37:24,941 --> 00:37:26,142
Of course I wrote it.

729
00:37:26,144 --> 00:37:27,343
If you love that,

730
00:37:27,345 --> 00:37:29,312
then you're really
gonna love this.

731
00:37:29,314 --> 00:37:33,147
But it's a work in progress,
so be gentle.

732
00:37:34,486 --> 00:37:39,223
♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪

733
00:37:41,758 --> 00:37:45,930
♪ Would you still remember me? ♪

734
00:37:48,832 --> 00:37:52,334
<i>♪ I
must be traveling Onward... ♪</i>

735
00:37:52,336 --> 00:37:55,870
- A poem by Tallahassee.
- Ah!

736
00:37:55,872 --> 00:38:02,211
<i>Traveling to Graceland
In comfort and class</i>

737
00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:06,615
<i>That Pontiac Trans Sport
Can kiss my ass</i>

738
00:38:08,519 --> 00:38:12,520
- Very good! Very good.
- Here we go, baby! Woo-hoo!

739
00:38:12,522 --> 00:38:15,691
Let's go see the King
and let's go get Little Rock!

740
00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:22,932
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm as free... ♪</i>

741
00:38:26,905 --> 00:38:29,640
- Did... Did we just get...
- Shorter?

742
00:38:31,776 --> 00:38:33,211
I say we take the clown car.

743
00:38:34,546 --> 00:38:36,444
No, no, no. No!
That is a deal-breaker.

744
00:38:36,446 --> 00:38:38,115
No fucking clowns!

745
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:49,558
In moments of great dishonor
such as this,

746
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:54,395
ancient samurai warriors
were required to commit seppuku,

747
00:38:54,397 --> 00:38:59,303
or ritual suicide
by disembowelment.

748
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,674
My mom had this car.

749
00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:07,942
- So did mine.
- So did mine.

750
00:39:11,481 --> 00:39:13,448
Fucking minivan.

751
00:39:13,450 --> 00:39:15,783
Back on the road, yay!

752
00:39:26,064 --> 00:39:28,397
I've always wanted
to start a business

753
00:39:28,399 --> 00:39:32,066
where strangers drive strangers
around in their car

754
00:39:32,068 --> 00:39:34,136
- for money.
- Mm.

755
00:39:34,138 --> 00:39:37,272
Let's say you were really
drunk and needed a ride home.

756
00:39:37,274 --> 00:39:38,774
You'd just get online

757
00:39:38,776 --> 00:39:40,743
and hop right in
with a stranger.

758
00:39:40,745 --> 00:39:43,377
And they'd take you
anywhere you wanna go.

759
00:39:43,379 --> 00:39:45,948
- Oh, yeah. Who then kills you.
- Yeah. Ha, ha!

760
00:39:45,950 --> 00:39:48,718
They'd have gum
or, like, lollipops.

761
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,486
That was what my parents
taught me.

762
00:39:50,488 --> 00:39:54,189
They were like, "If a stranger
offers you candy or gum,

763
00:39:54,191 --> 00:39:55,658
get in their car."
Great idea.

764
00:39:55,660 --> 00:39:57,359
If they try to murder you,

765
00:39:57,361 --> 00:39:59,495
you can have a system
so you can rate them.

766
00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:02,198
If they try to murder you,
like, "You get zero points."

767
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,667
But if they don't try to murder
you, "You get five points."

768
00:40:05,669 --> 00:40:08,136
Madison, I think it is
a very good idea.

769
00:40:08,138 --> 00:40:10,673
That's... No, I cannot
see that going wrong.

770
00:40:10,675 --> 00:40:13,709
All I'm saying is the
taxi industry was very flawed.

771
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,015
- Mm, oop...
- Are you okay?

772
00:40:19,017 --> 00:40:21,783
I think I'm, like, hot.
I'm hot.

773
00:40:21,785 --> 00:40:23,317
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

774
00:40:23,319 --> 00:40:25,687
I'm used to being in
the freezer all the time.

775
00:40:25,689 --> 00:40:28,557
- Get this off.
- Yeah. Sure. That makes sense.

776
00:40:34,330 --> 00:40:37,834
I feel funny. My tongue...

777
00:40:37,836 --> 00:40:39,801
My tongue... My tongue...

778
00:40:39,803 --> 00:40:41,502
Boss?
You're gonna wanna pull over.

779
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:43,939
- No.
- Pull over.

780
00:40:43,941 --> 00:40:45,339
We're making good progress.

781
00:40:45,341 --> 00:40:46,341
- Ugh!
- Pull over!

782
00:40:46,343 --> 00:40:48,009
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.

783
00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:56,852
- Oh.
- Oh.

784
00:40:56,854 --> 00:40:57,886
Chunkage.

785
00:40:57,888 --> 00:40:59,787
Maybe she'll pull through.

786
00:40:59,789 --> 00:41:02,424
What? You are the one
who says "don't take chances."

787
00:41:04,595 --> 00:41:07,598
So who wants do the honors?

788
00:41:08,932 --> 00:41:11,633
I mean, personally,
I wouldn't mind,

789
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:15,004
but I don't want
you guys calling me selfish.

790
00:41:15,006 --> 00:41:18,207
Hey, come on. She is a living,
thinking being. Okay?

791
00:41:18,209 --> 00:41:19,741
She's a living being.

792
00:41:19,743 --> 00:41:24,279
Look, I know you guys
are in love or whatever,

793
00:41:24,281 --> 00:41:26,714
but in two minutes,
she's gonna become a:

794
00:41:28,618 --> 00:41:32,955
A zombie, not a velociraptor.
And it's the right thing to do.

795
00:41:32,957 --> 00:41:36,459
If you love something,
you shoot it in the face

796
00:41:36,461 --> 00:41:39,194
so it doesn't become
a flesh-eating monster.

797
00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:40,629
I know.

798
00:41:40,631 --> 00:41:42,698
She's making a good point.

799
00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:48,970
Maybe it's time for you to be
the Brave Little Toaster.

800
00:41:53,845 --> 00:41:56,111
<i>They say when
something bad happens,</i>

801
00:41:56,113 --> 00:41:57,846
<i>you have three choices:</i>

802
00:41:57,848 --> 00:42:01,318
<i>Let it define you, destroy you,
or strengthen you.</i>

803
00:42:04,988 --> 00:42:07,191
<i>Time to teach Lennie
about the rabbits.</i>

804
00:42:11,928 --> 00:42:14,029
No! Don't come with me!
Don't come with me!

805
00:42:14,031 --> 00:42:15,830
Madison, Madison, please.

806
00:42:15,832 --> 00:42:18,167
- Madison, please. Please, please.
- Don't hurt me!

807
00:42:18,169 --> 00:42:19,669
- No, no, no!
- Wait. Listen to me!

808
00:42:19,671 --> 00:42:20,903
- Please. Wait.
- No, no, no!

809
00:42:20,905 --> 00:42:23,071
- Madison, just wait.
- I'm a monster.

810
00:42:23,073 --> 00:42:24,839
- I'm a monster.
- Please, please.

811
00:42:24,841 --> 00:42:27,475
Listen. I realize we don't
know each other that well.

812
00:42:27,477 --> 00:42:29,979
I mean, well, we do
in the biblical sense, yes.

813
00:42:29,981 --> 00:42:32,015
But I think you're
a really great person.

814
00:42:35,019 --> 00:42:36,250
Well, not now.

815
00:42:38,522 --> 00:42:40,455
I'm sorry.

816
00:42:53,303 --> 00:42:55,504
Thanks.

817
00:42:55,506 --> 00:42:57,339
Can we just, uh...

818
00:42:57,341 --> 00:42:59,374
I'm so sorry.

819
00:42:59,376 --> 00:43:01,642
All right. Just...
Come on, come on, let's go.

820
00:43:12,555 --> 00:43:14,555
I'm not gonna lie and say

821
00:43:14,557 --> 00:43:17,261
that I'm broken up
about it, but, um...

822
00:43:18,863 --> 00:43:20,997
- I am sorry.
- Yeah.

823
00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:23,064
- She didn't deserve that.
- Thanks, man.

824
00:43:23,066 --> 00:43:27,772
He's right. That's a terrible
way to go, even for...

825
00:43:29,006 --> 00:43:31,238
- It's....
- Oh, come on. It's Madison.

826
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:32,575
- You know that.
- Madison!

827
00:43:32,577 --> 00:43:34,642
You know that, okay?
Her name is Madison.

828
00:43:34,644 --> 00:43:37,879
Or her name was Madison.
And she was a real person, okay?

829
00:43:37,881 --> 00:43:40,015
She had, you know,
complex feelings

830
00:43:40,017 --> 00:43:41,816
and emotions and interests.

831
00:43:41,818 --> 00:43:46,921
She liked dolphins and rainbows,
you know? And double rainbows.

832
00:43:46,923 --> 00:43:49,658
- I'm agreeing. It's sad.
- Okay.

833
00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:51,392
That is obviously not
what I wanted.

834
00:43:51,394 --> 00:43:54,095
- What is it that you do want?
- I wanna find my sister.

835
00:43:54,097 --> 00:43:55,263
Me too.

836
00:43:55,265 --> 00:43:56,964
- Good.
- Good.

837
00:43:56,966 --> 00:43:59,433
- Good. Great. Awesome.
- Great, in fact. Great.

838
00:43:59,435 --> 00:44:01,303
This is gonna be
a long drive.

839
00:44:12,482 --> 00:44:14,049
This is it.

840
00:44:14,051 --> 00:44:17,252
Hey, little buddy,
don't be cruel to me

841
00:44:17,254 --> 00:44:19,457
for waking you up,
but we're here.

842
00:44:20,591 --> 00:44:23,424
Oh. Oh, my God.

843
00:44:23,426 --> 00:44:24,859
Oh, my God.

844
00:44:27,198 --> 00:44:29,698
Every choice I've ever
made in my life

845
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:32,633
has been leading me
to this moment right here,

846
00:44:32,635 --> 00:44:35,604
right now,
3764 Elvis Presley Boulevard.

847
00:44:35,606 --> 00:44:39,073
I feel like a 1954 teenybopper.

848
00:44:39,075 --> 00:44:40,144
And here comes...

849
00:44:42,747 --> 00:44:43,681
No.

850
00:44:46,582 --> 00:44:48,649
No, no, no!

851
00:44:48,651 --> 00:44:51,319
Hey, dude, if you need,
like, a moment or...

852
00:44:51,321 --> 00:44:54,022
Oh, my God. No Graceland.

853
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:55,756
No Beast.

854
00:44:55,758 --> 00:44:58,526
- No Little Rock.
- No Little Rock?

855
00:44:58,528 --> 00:45:00,328
Am I not allowed

856
00:45:00,330 --> 00:45:05,100
one cock-sucking duck-fucking
little break in this world?

857
00:45:05,102 --> 00:45:07,203
You're not the only one
that's upset.

858
00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:10,973
Just... Just drive.
Drive, drive. Drive now!

859
00:45:10,975 --> 00:45:12,743
Get away from here. Go!

860
00:45:16,713 --> 00:45:18,846
<i>Graceland was a pile of rubble,</i>

861
00:45:18,848 --> 00:45:20,482
<i>Little Rock was still missing,</i>

862
00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:22,350
<i>and we were unsure
of our next move.</i>

863
00:45:22,352 --> 00:45:24,986
<i>But sometimes, you just have
to follow the signs.</i>

864
00:45:24,988 --> 00:45:26,955
Hm.

865
00:45:26,957 --> 00:45:29,160
Well, when Z-land
serves you lemons...

866
00:45:31,361 --> 00:45:33,564
Hey, Florida, 11 o'clock.

867
00:45:36,834 --> 00:45:38,332
What?

868
00:45:38,334 --> 00:45:42,339
- Hound Dog Hotel.
- Oh, what a bunch of bull.

869
00:45:44,274 --> 00:45:47,078
- Whoa, the Beast!
- Little Rock!

870
00:45:55,051 --> 00:45:57,752
Damn. Wow,

871
00:45:57,754 --> 00:45:59,520
for a place
that ain't Graceland,

872
00:45:59,522 --> 00:46:01,823
it sure looks a hell
of a lot like Graceland.

873
00:46:01,825 --> 00:46:03,424
- Yeah, it does.
- Here's the idea.

874
00:46:03,426 --> 00:46:05,060
We'll split up.
I'll go this way.

875
00:46:05,062 --> 00:46:06,861
No, no, no.
I should talk to her.

876
00:46:06,863 --> 00:46:09,932
I'm her sister. I'll talk to
her first. You guys stay here.

877
00:46:09,934 --> 00:46:11,700
Mm, sound.

878
00:46:11,702 --> 00:46:14,903
- Huh.
- Buh, buh, buh, buh.

879
00:46:14,905 --> 00:46:17,404
- Little respect.
- Why? He's dead probably.

880
00:46:17,406 --> 00:46:19,876
Oh. Oh, for you. Okay.

881
00:46:22,412 --> 00:46:24,613
- This is so degrading.
- It's not for me.

882
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:25,582
Yeah, I know.

883
00:46:26,917 --> 00:46:28,417
Okay.

884
00:46:28,419 --> 00:46:30,419
- Oh, yeah.
- Smells like a wet dog died.

885
00:46:30,421 --> 00:46:32,154
- That's not... Push it.
- I am.

886
00:46:32,156 --> 00:46:34,959
- Square peg, round hole. Stop.
- Yeah, okay. Sorry.

887
00:46:39,530 --> 00:46:42,096
Oh, my God. It's uncanny.

888
00:46:42,098 --> 00:46:44,399
This is incredible.

889
00:46:44,401 --> 00:46:48,035
It's a perfect fit. I feel
like Cinderella at the ball.

890
00:46:48,037 --> 00:46:52,274
Are you jealous that I have
the same size shoe as Elvis?

891
00:46:52,276 --> 00:46:55,980
No. It's not like those
are Elvis' actual shoes.

892
00:46:59,048 --> 00:47:00,484
Sorry.

893
00:47:20,771 --> 00:47:24,506
♪ Well, I never been to Spain ♪

894
00:47:27,611 --> 00:47:28,846
Little Rock?

895
00:47:33,649 --> 00:47:36,820
♪ The ladies are insane ♪

896
00:47:39,656 --> 00:47:43,494
♪ And they don't have it easy ♪

897
00:47:49,165 --> 00:47:52,935
♪ Well, I never been
To heaven... ♪

898
00:47:52,937 --> 00:47:54,502
Ow!

899
00:47:55,939 --> 00:47:59,174
- Start talking.
- Ah, you first.

900
00:47:59,176 --> 00:48:01,676
- Hi, my name's Tallahassee.
- Nevada.

901
00:48:01,678 --> 00:48:04,379
- Which part?
- Nevada's as close as you get.

902
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:06,381
Now, what are you doing
in the Hound Dog?

903
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:09,352
I got a thing for the King.

904
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:13,855
No, no,
don't shoot my friends.

905
00:48:13,857 --> 00:48:16,457
- Anybody else in here with you?
- No, just us.

906
00:48:16,459 --> 00:48:19,861
We're all civilized people.
Let's just put the guns down.

907
00:48:19,863 --> 00:48:22,964
Why the hell are you wearing
Elvis' actual shoes?

908
00:48:22,966 --> 00:48:24,001
Comfort.

909
00:48:25,669 --> 00:48:27,868
- You live here?
- Yeah.

910
00:48:27,870 --> 00:48:30,971
So that car out front, the girl
who was driving it, is she...

911
00:48:30,973 --> 00:48:34,042
Gone. She and that poser
peace lover of hers...

912
00:48:34,044 --> 00:48:36,611
- Berkeley.
- Berkeley.

913
00:48:36,613 --> 00:48:37,979
...took off a few days ago.

914
00:48:37,981 --> 00:48:39,982
And trust me,
they shouldn't have.

915
00:48:39,984 --> 00:48:41,216
It's not safe out there.

916
00:48:41,218 --> 00:48:44,118
- Damn it.
- Why didn't they take the Beast?

917
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:46,053
He said it was
too "establishment."

918
00:48:46,055 --> 00:48:49,390
Oh, I will kill
that little fart snack myself.

919
00:48:49,392 --> 00:48:51,392
You're lucky I didn't do
the same to you.

920
00:48:51,394 --> 00:48:54,531
Seriously. You know how close
I came to Murraying you?

921
00:48:57,568 --> 00:48:59,734
To what-ing him?

922
00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:02,703
Murraying him. You know,
when you shoot someone

923
00:49:02,705 --> 00:49:04,673
because you think
they're a zombie.

924
00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,441
Apparently, that's
how Bill Murray died.

925
00:49:07,443 --> 00:49:09,578
Wow, God, who's Bill Murray?
I never...

926
00:49:09,580 --> 00:49:11,212
I don't even know
what that is.

927
00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:13,714
Oh, the actor.
That's so sad.

928
00:49:13,716 --> 00:49:15,417
I don't read <i>Variety.</i>
That's sad.

929
00:49:15,419 --> 00:49:18,086
Sorry if you knew him.
If you didn't, I'm still sorry.

930
00:49:18,088 --> 00:49:20,854
It's sad when anybody dies.
Sounds like an urban legend.

931
00:49:20,856 --> 00:49:23,426
- It happened.
- I doubt it. It's weird. What?

932
00:49:26,097 --> 00:49:28,529
I'll say this about Murray,

933
00:49:28,531 --> 00:49:32,600
if I ever find out who did him,
I'm gonna do him.

934
00:49:32,602 --> 00:49:34,736
Me too. I'll be...
You first, but me second.

935
00:49:34,738 --> 00:49:36,504
Don't listen to this guy.

936
00:49:36,506 --> 00:49:38,173
He's killed more
celebrities than cocaine.

937
00:49:38,175 --> 00:49:39,908
The girl that was here before,

938
00:49:39,910 --> 00:49:41,542
did she say
where she was going?

939
00:49:41,544 --> 00:49:44,513
No, but that idiot Berkeley

940
00:49:44,515 --> 00:49:46,448
wouldn't shut up about it.

941
00:49:46,450 --> 00:49:48,683
Babylon is a commune,
safe haven,

942
00:49:48,685 --> 00:49:50,250
protected on all sides.

943
00:49:50,252 --> 00:49:53,687
Completely pacifist.
No guns or violence of any kind.

944
00:49:53,689 --> 00:49:55,457
A lot of young people too,
you know.

945
00:49:55,459 --> 00:49:57,526
Generation Z living
in peace and harmony.

946
00:49:57,528 --> 00:49:59,794
- It sounds cool.
- I know you had your heart set

947
00:49:59,796 --> 00:50:04,635
on this Graceland, but this
is <i>mucho, mucho</i> better.

948
00:50:11,676 --> 00:50:14,910
This is a very good replica
of the King's Jungle Room,

949
00:50:14,912 --> 00:50:17,245
where he recorded
his last two albums.

950
00:50:17,247 --> 00:50:21,082
<i>From Elvis Presley Boulevard,</i>
<i>Memphis, Tennessee</i> and...

951
00:50:21,084 --> 00:50:23,250
And <i>Moody Blue.</i>

952
00:50:23,252 --> 00:50:24,455
You know your Elvis.

953
00:50:25,921 --> 00:50:28,792
Every lover of the King
has a story.

954
00:50:29,926 --> 00:50:31,459
What's yours?

955
00:50:31,461 --> 00:50:34,863
My mama took me to see Elvis
when I was a kid.

956
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:37,631
Something about him.
Attitude, the music...

957
00:50:37,633 --> 00:50:40,134
The hips, the ass.

958
00:50:40,136 --> 00:50:42,136
Well, I was 10,
but with Elvis,

959
00:50:42,138 --> 00:50:43,738
there is something
for everyone.

960
00:50:43,740 --> 00:50:46,006
Cut to later,
I'm in high school.

961
00:50:46,008 --> 00:50:48,944
And my buddy
Frankie Hammond says, uh:

962
00:50:48,946 --> 00:50:51,279
"Do your Elvis."

963
00:50:51,281 --> 00:50:54,616
I said, "We're in the library.
It's gonna be loud."

964
00:50:54,618 --> 00:50:57,151
He convinces me. He starts
tapping his pencil,

965
00:50:57,153 --> 00:50:58,388
and I get up.

966
00:51:02,193 --> 00:51:05,627
♪ You ain't nothing
But a hound dog ♪

967
00:51:05,629 --> 00:51:08,462
♪ Crying all the time
Bo, bo, doo-de-doo ♪

968
00:51:08,464 --> 00:51:11,232
Everybody starts gathering
around and clapping,

969
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:14,169
and I jumped on a table.
I finish off with a flourish.

970
00:51:14,171 --> 00:51:16,169
♪ You ain't never
Caught a rabbit ♪

971
00:51:16,171 --> 00:51:18,038
♪ You ain't no friend of mine ♪

972
00:51:19,508 --> 00:51:22,845
Yeah! And the whole place,
thunderous applause.

973
00:51:22,847 --> 00:51:26,013
And up comes the cutest girl
in the school,

974
00:51:26,015 --> 00:51:30,218
Robin Rogers, who never
gave me the time of day before.

975
00:51:30,220 --> 00:51:32,553
She plants a kiss
on my cheek.

976
00:51:32,555 --> 00:51:34,855
And for a moment, just one,

977
00:51:34,857 --> 00:51:36,626
I felt like the King.

978
00:51:39,696 --> 00:51:42,533
I suddenly feel a little jealous
of Robin Rogers.

979
00:51:44,702 --> 00:51:45,669
You don't say.

980
00:51:47,970 --> 00:51:49,439
I don't know about you...

981
00:51:51,075 --> 00:51:52,777
...but I feel my temperature
rising.

982
00:51:57,381 --> 00:51:58,582
Mm.

983
00:52:01,517 --> 00:52:04,319
This is Babylon.

984
00:52:04,321 --> 00:52:07,721
Oh, like those ancient
hanging gardens.

985
00:52:07,723 --> 00:52:09,857
- Huh?
- Of Babylon.

986
00:52:09,859 --> 00:52:13,093
No, no. It's named
for that cool David Gray song.

987
00:52:13,095 --> 00:52:14,931
Man, I wish I'd written
that one.

988
00:52:16,267 --> 00:52:19,066
No guns allowed
is our one rule.

989
00:52:19,068 --> 00:52:22,238
- That, and no group sex.
- All right. Hand them over.

990
00:52:24,874 --> 00:52:27,107
Here you go.

991
00:52:27,109 --> 00:52:29,544
No guns. No guns.
Just hugs.

992
00:52:29,546 --> 00:52:31,379
Then welcome.

993
00:52:31,381 --> 00:52:33,747
Come on, señorita.
You're gonna love this place.

994
00:52:33,749 --> 00:52:35,816
It's completely safe
and entirely organic.

995
00:52:35,818 --> 00:52:37,752
- This is so cool.
- All right.

996
00:52:37,754 --> 00:52:40,455
We're gonna melt your guns here
and give you a pendant.

997
00:52:40,457 --> 00:52:42,290
- They melt it?
- Yeah.

998
00:52:42,292 --> 00:52:43,625
It's a symbolic thing.

999
00:52:43,627 --> 00:52:45,259
Goodbye, violence.

1000
00:52:45,261 --> 00:52:46,895
Hello, peace.

1001
00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:48,095
Once we're done,

1002
00:52:48,097 --> 00:52:49,730
we'll take you up
to the rooftop.

1003
00:52:49,732 --> 00:52:50,899
I hope you like stairs.

1004
00:52:50,901 --> 00:52:51,836
That's good.

1005
00:52:55,705 --> 00:52:58,073
- Thanks.
- Welcome to Babylon.

1006
00:52:58,075 --> 00:52:59,975
Let me show you the way.

1007
00:52:59,977 --> 00:53:01,109
Aw, right on.

1008
00:53:05,615 --> 00:53:07,314
Hey, brother. What's up?

1009
00:53:07,316 --> 00:53:09,019
- Hi.
- Yeah.

1010
00:53:28,771 --> 00:53:32,307
Wake
up, my little blue suede baby.

1011
00:53:32,309 --> 00:53:34,341
It's now or never. Ooh!

1012
00:53:34,343 --> 00:53:37,712
My friends say you're sleeping
like a tired pup.

1013
00:53:39,816 --> 00:53:40,982
What the fuck?

1014
00:53:42,218 --> 00:53:43,220
Shit.

1015
00:53:50,325 --> 00:53:52,794
Oh, no, no, no!

1016
00:53:52,796 --> 00:53:54,796
This is not happening!

1017
00:53:54,798 --> 00:53:57,933
This is not fucking happening!

1018
00:53:57,935 --> 00:54:00,133
Hey, motherfucker,
that's my ride!

1019
00:54:00,135 --> 00:54:02,669
Oh, my apologies,
tiny Elvis.

1020
00:54:02,671 --> 00:54:05,973
Just didn't expect anything
to be parked in my driveway.

1021
00:54:05,975 --> 00:54:07,044
Your driveway?

1022
00:54:08,778 --> 00:54:11,279
That's right. My driveway.

1023
00:54:11,281 --> 00:54:13,214
Well, that's funny.
When I parked in it,

1024
00:54:13,216 --> 00:54:14,582
no one told me to pull out.

1025
00:54:16,352 --> 00:54:18,819
Well, actually,
it's my driveway.

1026
00:54:18,821 --> 00:54:20,654
Hey, Nevada.

1027
00:54:20,656 --> 00:54:25,560
But see, when I'm
in town, I use it.

1028
00:54:25,562 --> 00:54:29,031
Well, I'm in town now,
and I'm using it.

1029
00:54:29,033 --> 00:54:31,165
Keep talking like this,
and I can arrange

1030
00:54:31,167 --> 00:54:34,067
so neither of you
ever uses my driveway again.

1031
00:54:34,069 --> 00:54:36,102
I don't think they're talking
about the driveway.

1032
00:54:36,104 --> 00:54:37,506
No, I don't think so.

1033
00:54:37,508 --> 00:54:39,774
- You happy now? Good move.
- Satisfied? Good job.

1034
00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:42,609
- Does he remind you of...?
- Yeah, it's weird.

1035
00:54:42,611 --> 00:54:45,379
I don't like you at all.

1036
00:54:45,381 --> 00:54:46,747
It's not weird,
it's creepy.

1037
00:54:46,749 --> 00:54:48,415
It's like
an un-funhouse mirror.

1038
00:54:48,417 --> 00:54:51,685
I think you double-parked
or more perpendicular-parked.

1039
00:54:51,687 --> 00:54:53,721
- Hope we don't get a ticket.
- Whoa.

1040
00:54:53,723 --> 00:54:55,823
- Calm down.
- I'm just ragging you.

1041
00:54:55,825 --> 00:54:58,392
- What is going on here?
- What?

1042
00:54:58,394 --> 00:55:00,495
- What do you mean, "what"?
- What?

1043
00:55:00,497 --> 00:55:03,330
- Does he not remind you of...?
- Hello, everyone.

1044
00:55:03,332 --> 00:55:05,533
Of... Of what?

1045
00:55:05,535 --> 00:55:07,035
- This is Albuquerque.
- Howdy.

1046
00:55:07,037 --> 00:55:09,169
- I'm Flagstaff.
- Hey. I'm Columbus.

1047
00:55:09,171 --> 00:55:10,772
Oh, great.

1048
00:55:10,774 --> 00:55:13,508
Uh, this is Tallahassee,
Wichita,

1049
00:55:13,510 --> 00:55:15,709
- and I guess you know Nevada.
- Yes, I do.

1050
00:55:15,711 --> 00:55:16,877
Easy, cowboy.

1051
00:55:16,879 --> 00:55:18,912
So sorry about your ex-car.

1052
00:55:18,914 --> 00:55:22,285
I guess, as I like to say,
expect the unexpected.

1053
00:55:23,553 --> 00:55:26,620
- It's one of my commandments.
- Oh.

1054
00:55:26,622 --> 00:55:28,589
- Commandments?
- Yeah. Sort of guidelines

1055
00:55:28,591 --> 00:55:30,725
for staying alive.
I've got loads of them.

1056
00:55:30,727 --> 00:55:32,761
- Hm, interesting.
- Number one is teamwork.

1057
00:55:32,763 --> 00:55:35,330
Teamwork. That's so great.

1058
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:37,232
I spent a long time
thinking about it.

1059
00:55:37,234 --> 00:55:39,901
I have rules, you know,
which is, like, less biblical.

1060
00:55:39,903 --> 00:55:42,636
I love rules. Without rules,
everything's chaos.

1061
00:55:42,638 --> 00:55:45,140
- Thank you.
- Columbus has quite a few rules.

1062
00:55:45,142 --> 00:55:47,241
- I do.
- Awesome. Like what?

1063
00:55:47,243 --> 00:55:49,644
- I don't wanna toot my own horn.
- Go on, toot.

1064
00:55:49,646 --> 00:55:51,879
- Let me toot for him. Uh...
- Thank you.

1065
00:55:51,881 --> 00:55:54,883
- Number one, cardio.
- That's right.

1066
00:55:54,885 --> 00:55:56,051
Cardio. Okay.

1067
00:55:56,053 --> 00:55:58,086
- What?
- I don't mean to laugh.

1068
00:55:58,088 --> 00:56:02,089
It's just that cardiovascular
fitness is his number 29,

1069
00:56:02,091 --> 00:56:03,892
meaning he has
28 other commandments

1070
00:56:03,894 --> 00:56:05,493
that he finds more important,

1071
00:56:05,495 --> 00:56:08,095
like, say, what's one
of your great ones?

1072
00:56:08,097 --> 00:56:10,799
Number 12. The world
is your bathroom, meaning

1073
00:56:10,801 --> 00:56:14,069
you can whip it out wherever
you want, and have at it.

1074
00:56:14,071 --> 00:56:16,270
Oh, just whip it out
wherever you want!

1075
00:56:16,272 --> 00:56:17,805
That sounds a little uncouth.

1076
00:56:17,807 --> 00:56:20,107
The "whip it out" part's
for guys, obviously.

1077
00:56:20,109 --> 00:56:23,044
If you're a woman,
you can reveal it.

1078
00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:25,312
- Whichever.
- I have beware of bathrooms.

1079
00:56:25,314 --> 00:56:27,515
Yeah, I'm just generally
careful around them.

1080
00:56:27,517 --> 00:56:29,649
But it's not a competition.

1081
00:56:29,651 --> 00:56:32,520
- No, doesn't have to be.
- But number 18 is limber up.

1082
00:56:32,522 --> 00:56:34,555
- But that's...
- That's fine. I have warm up.

1083
00:56:34,557 --> 00:56:37,625
Again, not a competition,
but commandment number 45

1084
00:56:37,627 --> 00:56:39,894
for me is, well,
mind your manners.

1085
00:56:39,896 --> 00:56:41,495
Just because
it's the apocalypse

1086
00:56:41,497 --> 00:56:43,131
doesn't mean
you have to be rude.

1087
00:56:43,133 --> 00:56:45,031
Keep your hands
to yourself, number 42.

1088
00:56:45,033 --> 00:56:46,167
Do you have sunscreen?

1089
00:56:46,169 --> 00:56:47,903
- Just shade.
- Shade. Of course.

1090
00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:50,872
It's free. It's everywhere.
Yeah. Number two, double tap.

1091
00:56:50,874 --> 00:56:53,274
I have number five,
confirm your kill.

1092
00:56:53,276 --> 00:56:55,310
- Confirm your kill.
- Avoid perishables.

1093
00:56:55,312 --> 00:56:57,279
- Do you have that?
- Sorry. Ziploc bags.

1094
00:56:57,281 --> 00:56:59,346
- Same thing, different word.
- Yeah. Exactly.

1095
00:56:59,348 --> 00:57:01,716
I probably would shy away
from the word "Ziploc"

1096
00:57:01,718 --> 00:57:03,450
because I try
to avoid name brands.

1097
00:57:03,452 --> 00:57:06,520
Okay, great. So, what brought
you guys back so soon?

1098
00:57:06,522 --> 00:57:09,524
We was headed for the Rockies,
but the goddamn Bolts...

1099
00:57:09,526 --> 00:57:11,359
- Bolts?
- Yeah.

1100
00:57:11,361 --> 00:57:12,961
The zombies
out on the plains.

1101
00:57:12,963 --> 00:57:15,196
They're a lot tougher
than what we're used to.

1102
00:57:15,198 --> 00:57:18,198
I guess because of all
the running and hunting.

1103
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,368
So we call them Bolts,
as in Usain.

1104
00:57:20,370 --> 00:57:21,903
As in pretty fucking athletic.

1105
00:57:21,905 --> 00:57:23,772
No, that makes total sense.

1106
00:57:23,774 --> 00:57:26,274
- We call them T-800s.
- <i>Terminator.</i> Yes! I love it.

1107
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,575
Really?

1108
00:57:27,577 --> 00:57:29,209
Yes. My favorite movie.
Well, <i>T2.</i>

1109
00:57:29,211 --> 00:57:31,044
Yeah, <i>T2</i> is my
second favorite movie.

1110
00:57:31,046 --> 00:57:34,115
- What's number one?
- Uh, it's <i>Fantasia.</i>

1111
00:57:35,283 --> 00:57:36,883
Well, anyhow,

1112
00:57:36,885 --> 00:57:38,852
the Bolts' food sources
are running low,

1113
00:57:38,854 --> 00:57:40,955
so they're pushing east,
which is <i>no bueno.</i>

1114
00:57:40,957 --> 00:57:43,124
You know what else
is <i>no bueno?</i>

1115
00:57:43,126 --> 00:57:45,426
You murdered the Beast.

1116
00:57:45,428 --> 00:57:48,363
Yeah, well, let me
call AAA for you.

1117
00:57:48,365 --> 00:57:50,798
I'm sure they'll be right over.

1118
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,167
So you have to play
your cards as...

1119
00:57:53,169 --> 00:57:56,270
Whoo, that onesie was starting
to cut off my circulation.

1120
00:57:56,272 --> 00:57:59,207
- To your vagina?
- Your vagina.

1121
00:57:59,209 --> 00:58:01,207
What'll you have, Florida?

1122
00:58:01,209 --> 00:58:03,944
He strikes me as
the, uh, lemon drop type.

1123
00:58:03,946 --> 00:58:06,948
You know, something with an
umbrella or something like that.

1124
00:58:06,950 --> 00:58:09,551
I heard "something with
an umbrella." Make it two.

1125
00:58:09,553 --> 00:58:10,584
Three please. Three.

1126
00:58:10,586 --> 00:58:12,620
So that's your sidekick.

1127
00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:14,189
That's my partner.

1128
00:58:14,191 --> 00:58:16,790
You might look
at Flagstaff and think:

1129
00:58:16,792 --> 00:58:19,426
"Oh, he's a little slight,
diminutive."

1130
00:58:19,428 --> 00:58:23,298
Effeminate even, but he's
a real beast in battle. Yeah.

1131
00:58:23,300 --> 00:58:26,433
Come on. You're being sweet.
You sweet, sweet man. Thank you.

1132
00:58:26,435 --> 00:58:28,134
- Well, I love you.
- Love you too.

1133
00:58:28,136 --> 00:58:30,772
Yeah, you know, Tubbs
to my Crockett over here.

1134
00:58:30,774 --> 00:58:33,741
He may look a little bookish,
but he's an animal too.

1135
00:58:33,743 --> 00:58:36,444
He eats zombies for breakfast,
shits them out by lunch.

1136
00:58:36,446 --> 00:58:37,944
Cheers.

1137
00:58:37,946 --> 00:58:40,147
He shits out
everything by lunch.

1138
00:58:42,752 --> 00:58:45,019
What the hell was that?

1139
00:58:48,925 --> 00:58:50,524
They must have
followed you.

1140
00:58:50,526 --> 00:58:52,593
Oh, God, those are T-800s.

1141
00:58:52,595 --> 00:58:54,462
Or at the very least T-700s.

1142
00:58:54,464 --> 00:58:57,230
- There was no T-700.
- Yeah, T-800's the first model.

1143
00:58:57,232 --> 00:59:00,301
This is great,
having the two of you.

1144
00:59:00,303 --> 00:59:02,904
Okay.
Time to nut up or shut up.

1145
00:59:02,906 --> 00:59:05,774
That saying's very 2009.

1146
00:59:09,312 --> 00:59:12,145
- Okay. We got this.
- Ho!

1147
00:59:12,147 --> 00:59:14,415
You don't send a boy
to do a man's job.

1148
00:59:14,417 --> 00:59:16,750
We brought them here.
We'll take care of it.

1149
00:59:16,752 --> 00:59:19,285
Yeah, you know what?
Have at 'em.

1150
00:59:19,287 --> 00:59:21,421
You have a safe word
in case things go bad?

1151
00:59:21,423 --> 00:59:22,991
Heh, that's good.
Come on, Flag,

1152
00:59:22,993 --> 00:59:25,093
let's show these fuckers
how it's done.

1153
00:59:25,095 --> 00:59:27,160
Sure. You got it, boss.

1154
00:59:27,162 --> 00:59:29,663
<i>Hasta la vista,</i> baby.
<i>Terminator 2.</i>

1155
00:59:29,665 --> 00:59:31,999
- Remember?
- Ready, buddy?

1156
00:59:32,001 --> 00:59:34,167
He's so cool.

1157
00:59:34,169 --> 00:59:36,504
Whoo, heh, heh!
Suck these bullets!

1158
00:59:36,506 --> 00:59:37,973
Come on! Get you some!

1159
00:59:37,975 --> 00:59:40,975
Anybody else find those
two uniquely annoying?

1160
00:59:40,977 --> 00:59:43,413
- Get it!
- Uniquely? No.

1161
00:59:45,381 --> 00:59:47,182
Well, I don't love
their chances.

1162
00:59:47,184 --> 00:59:49,984
They ignored rule 52,
don't be afraid to ask for help.

1163
00:59:49,986 --> 00:59:52,319
Get fucked in the face, bitch!

1164
00:59:52,321 --> 00:59:53,988
- Flagstaff?
- Yeah, boss?

1165
00:59:53,990 --> 00:59:57,024
You made the all-star team
today. I mean, no kidding.

1166
00:59:57,026 --> 00:59:58,359
Unbelievable job.

1167
00:59:58,361 --> 01:00:00,227
And is it me,
or are those Bolts

1168
01:00:00,229 --> 01:00:02,330
they're just getting meaner
by the day?

1169
01:00:02,332 --> 01:00:05,332
- They're full-blown dickheads.
- I got an action shot of you

1170
01:00:05,334 --> 01:00:07,569
that's going right
into the scrapbook.

1171
01:00:07,571 --> 01:00:10,671
This is gonna be a good one.
You just keep raising the bar,

1172
01:00:10,673 --> 01:00:14,207
and that's why we will continue
to ride these highways together.

1173
01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:16,644
- I'm so proud of you.
- I learned from the best.

1174
01:00:16,646 --> 01:00:18,680
- Oh, come on now.
- Nice work, Querq.

1175
01:00:18,682 --> 01:00:20,048
Thank you. Thank you.

1176
01:00:20,050 --> 01:00:22,582
This is gonna be
a hell of a shot. Ha, ha!

1177
01:00:22,584 --> 01:00:25,051
It's so cool he let you
wear the hat.

1178
01:00:25,053 --> 01:00:26,587
- Querq?
- Yeah?

1179
01:00:26,589 --> 01:00:29,457
I think you got
a little something here.

1180
01:00:31,127 --> 01:00:32,625
Oh, what, that?

1181
01:00:34,196 --> 01:00:37,531
Oh, yeah, that's just...
That's just a tattoo.

1182
01:00:39,535 --> 01:00:42,470
Sorry, you got a tattoo
of a zombie bite?

1183
01:00:42,472 --> 01:00:46,374
No, it's just a tattoo
I got one night in Bernalillo.

1184
01:00:46,376 --> 01:00:47,276
Huh.

1185
01:00:48,443 --> 01:00:49,776
All right, everybody.

1186
01:00:49,778 --> 01:00:53,448
Just take it easy.
Everything's fine.

1187
01:00:53,450 --> 01:00:56,250
Nevada, why don't you whip up
some of your signature...

1188
01:01:00,256 --> 01:01:02,890
All right.
That was a little weird, huh?

1189
01:01:02,892 --> 01:01:05,959
- Yeah.
- All right. Just calm down.

1190
01:01:05,961 --> 01:01:07,895
We'll just
have a drink, you know.

1191
01:01:09,198 --> 01:01:12,234
So we can just kind
of celeb... Celeb...

1192
01:01:15,303 --> 01:01:17,537
Excuse me. It's okay.

1193
01:01:17,539 --> 01:01:20,073
It's just nerves
from the fight. Just...

1194
01:01:21,209 --> 01:01:22,609
Uh, you guys, I think

1195
01:01:22,611 --> 01:01:24,812
Albuquerque might be infected.

1196
01:01:24,814 --> 01:01:26,613
Me? I'm infected?

1197
01:01:27,651 --> 01:01:28,982
You got bit twice.

1198
01:01:28,984 --> 01:01:31,017
- Ah, Flagstaff!
- No, no. That's a lie.

1199
01:01:31,019 --> 01:01:33,020
Trust me. Okay? Trust me.

1200
01:01:33,022 --> 01:01:34,656
I don't get bit.
I never get bit.

1201
01:01:34,658 --> 01:01:36,790
I don't get bit either.
We're slippery.

1202
01:01:36,792 --> 01:01:38,158
- See?
- I know. Are you okay?

1203
01:01:38,160 --> 01:01:40,294
- I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
- You are?

1204
01:01:40,296 --> 01:01:42,366
- I'm fine.
- Okay, he's fine. He's fine.

1205
01:01:43,466 --> 01:01:45,165
No, he's not fine. No.

1206
01:01:45,167 --> 01:01:49,169
No. You're starting to look
like a T-800. <i>Terminator 2.</i>

1207
01:01:51,374 --> 01:01:52,809
No. No, no, no!

1208
01:01:53,843 --> 01:01:55,676
No!

1209
01:01:55,678 --> 01:01:56,776
Aah!

1210
01:01:56,778 --> 01:01:59,446
Move! Move!
Get out of the way.

1211
01:01:59,448 --> 01:02:01,582
Aah! Aah!

1212
01:02:01,584 --> 01:02:02,519
Ow!

1213
01:02:05,354 --> 01:02:06,754
No! No!

1214
01:02:08,258 --> 01:02:09,622
Flagstaff, you're breaking

1215
01:02:09,624 --> 01:02:11,394
like 10 commandments right now!

1216
01:02:17,365 --> 01:02:20,236
This is for what you did
to the Beast! Unh!

1217
01:02:21,838 --> 01:02:22,870
Sorry!

1218
01:02:24,606 --> 01:02:25,839
- How you doing?
- Bad!

1219
01:02:25,841 --> 01:02:27,441
- How are you?
- Bad!

1220
01:02:29,111 --> 01:02:30,981
Sorry, shoes. Sorry, Elvis.

1221
01:02:37,988 --> 01:02:39,388
Oh, shit. Oh!

1222
01:02:41,022 --> 01:02:43,991
- How you doing now?
- Still bad! You wanna switch?

1223
01:02:43,993 --> 01:02:46,761
Switch?
How would that benefit me?

1224
01:02:54,836 --> 01:02:55,905
Shit!

1225
01:03:03,046 --> 01:03:06,883
- Help! Shoot him! Shoot him!
- I don't wanna hit you!

1226
01:03:11,720 --> 01:03:12,886
Shit.

1227
01:03:12,888 --> 01:03:15,459
Gun, gun, gun! Oh, shit!

1228
01:03:18,495 --> 01:03:20,428
Stop shooting! I got this!

1229
01:03:20,430 --> 01:03:21,798
Great, because I'm reloading!

1230
01:03:30,872 --> 01:03:34,774
Don't swing! Don't swing!
Don't swing! Swing!

1231
01:03:34,776 --> 01:03:36,743
Shit!

1232
01:03:36,745 --> 01:03:39,479
No, no, no, not me!
Not me! Oh, fuck!

1233
01:03:39,481 --> 01:03:42,616
<i>Hasta la vista,</i> baby.

1234
01:03:42,618 --> 01:03:44,921
Thank you. Thank you very much.

1235
01:03:46,256 --> 01:03:48,988
Those guys are dicks.

1236
01:03:48,990 --> 01:03:50,625
Great job.

1237
01:03:50,627 --> 01:03:51,926
Thank you.

1238
01:03:51,928 --> 01:03:54,828
- Ah. Can I wear the hat?
- Oh, negatory.

1239
01:03:54,830 --> 01:03:58,499
- Cool.
- Zombie Kill of the Year?

1240
01:03:58,501 --> 01:04:01,636
<i>Mm, sorry.
Not with the performance just turned in</i>

1241
01:04:01,638 --> 01:04:03,337
<i>by Matteo Bianchi
of Pisa, Italy.</i>

1242
01:04:18,287 --> 01:04:20,189
<i>Yeah, yeah. That Pisa.</i>

1243
01:04:34,303 --> 01:04:35,771
Bravisimmo, <i>Mateo.</i>

1244
01:04:38,675 --> 01:04:41,642
Ahh, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

1245
01:04:41,644 --> 01:04:44,211
Jesus, Big Fat Death is right.

1246
01:04:44,213 --> 01:04:46,948
That thing is, like,
a huge rollover risk.

1247
01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:48,683
It is.

1248
01:04:48,685 --> 01:04:52,118
Hey, dude, I think you should
ask her to come with us.

1249
01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:53,354
- No, no, no.
- Come on, yes.

1250
01:04:53,356 --> 01:04:55,488
I think they make
a nice match.

1251
01:04:55,490 --> 01:04:57,457
Look, what have I been
telling you guys?

1252
01:04:57,459 --> 01:04:59,627
I'm trying to shed baggage,
not pick it up.

1253
01:04:59,629 --> 01:05:02,729
- Yeah.
- Besides, she wouldn't do that.

1254
01:05:02,731 --> 01:05:04,166
She's not the type.

1255
01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:08,805
Stay safe,
Sunshine State.

1256
01:05:10,772 --> 01:05:12,309
Excuse me.

1257
01:05:16,613 --> 01:05:18,345
Stay dangerous, Nevada.

1258
01:05:26,455 --> 01:05:30,558
Okay. Hey, no offense, but
my sister is still out there.

1259
01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:32,896
Wanna hit the old road.

1260
01:05:34,229 --> 01:05:36,398
If by some miracle
you don't die...

1261
01:05:38,133 --> 01:05:40,736
there's always room
in my driveway.

1262
01:05:43,405 --> 01:05:44,874
I best stay alive.

1263
01:05:47,609 --> 01:05:49,176
Okay, you're back. Good.

1264
01:05:49,178 --> 01:05:51,544
Do you know how to drive
one of these things?

1265
01:05:51,546 --> 01:05:54,848
I'm gonna just pop that puppy
off of there

1266
01:05:54,850 --> 01:05:57,350
and then you guys can jump in.

1267
01:05:57,352 --> 01:05:58,787
Nice.

1268
01:06:00,890 --> 01:06:03,758
She's a big old stallion,
but I can tame her.

1269
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:12,102
Whoo!

1270
01:06:16,071 --> 01:06:17,171
Oh, shit.

1271
01:06:21,410 --> 01:06:24,080
- I think he's got the hang of it.
- Shit!

1272
01:06:25,214 --> 01:06:27,048
- No. No, no.
- No, no, no.

1273
01:06:27,050 --> 01:06:29,216
Goddamn motherfucker!

1274
01:06:29,218 --> 01:06:30,319
Got it.

1275
01:06:37,359 --> 01:06:40,928
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

1276
01:06:40,930 --> 01:06:42,632
Maybe you should
leave a note.

1277
01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:45,566
That's your department.

1278
01:06:50,439 --> 01:06:53,839
I... I just can't do it.

1279
01:06:53,841 --> 01:06:55,110
Yeah. I'll drive.

1280
01:07:01,783 --> 01:07:03,385
What was that?

1281
01:07:04,653 --> 01:07:05,919
Satisfying.

1282
01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:13,394
Teamwork. Always put
the team first.

1283
01:07:13,396 --> 01:07:15,495
I can't believe
I didn't have that. Stupid.

1284
01:07:15,497 --> 01:07:17,932
You know, if Flagstaff
was so great,

1285
01:07:17,934 --> 01:07:21,301
then where was
the undeniably gorgeous

1286
01:07:21,303 --> 01:07:24,238
but emotionally inaccessible
Kansas City?

1287
01:07:24,240 --> 01:07:25,805
I don't know. Maybe she split

1288
01:07:25,807 --> 01:07:28,343
because she thought
they had a random relationship.

1289
01:07:28,345 --> 01:07:31,444
Or maybe she was
just about to come back

1290
01:07:31,446 --> 01:07:34,651
under the thinly veiled cover
of needing guns and ammo.

1291
01:07:35,850 --> 01:07:38,451
Wait,
what are you getting at?

1292
01:07:38,453 --> 01:07:41,020
I think you're smart enough
to figure it out...

1293
01:07:41,022 --> 01:07:43,024
Oh, my God.

1294
01:07:43,026 --> 01:07:45,058
You gotta be kidding me.

1295
01:07:45,060 --> 01:07:46,495
You gotta be kidding me.

1296
01:07:47,830 --> 01:07:49,897
You gotta be kidding me!

1297
01:07:49,899 --> 01:07:52,232
You gotta be fucking
kidding me.

1298
01:07:52,234 --> 01:07:53,834
Why the hell
is she still alive?

1299
01:07:53,836 --> 01:07:57,537
Oh, my God, I literally
missed you guys. Yay!

1300
01:07:57,539 --> 01:07:58,540
Oh, my God.

1301
01:08:00,242 --> 01:08:02,142
Whoa!

1302
01:08:02,144 --> 01:08:03,644
Just... No, just look ahead.

1303
01:08:03,646 --> 01:08:06,379
Hi, old guy!

1304
01:08:06,381 --> 01:08:07,814
Let's hang out.

1305
01:08:07,816 --> 01:08:09,584
- Ha-ha-ha!
- It is so weird to see you.

1306
01:08:09,586 --> 01:08:11,718
The last time I saw you,
you were like a...

1307
01:08:11,720 --> 01:08:13,187
- You were a zombie.
- I wish.

1308
01:08:13,189 --> 01:08:15,221
Stupid nut allergy.

1309
01:08:15,223 --> 01:08:16,857
- Nut allergy? Oh.
- Yeah.

1310
01:08:16,859 --> 01:08:19,460
Yeah, I think it was
the trail mix Wichita gave me.

1311
01:08:19,462 --> 01:08:21,562
Who knew there were nuts
in trail mix.

1312
01:08:21,564 --> 01:08:23,630
Not me. I thought it was vegan.

1313
01:08:23,632 --> 01:08:25,165
I kept trying to tell you

1314
01:08:25,167 --> 01:08:27,635
it was only an allergic
reaction, but you thought

1315
01:08:27,637 --> 01:08:30,036
- I was trying to bite you.
- Yeah, well...

1316
01:08:30,038 --> 01:08:33,740
- Not that you minded last time.
- Mm.

1317
01:08:33,742 --> 01:08:35,643
Thank you for shooting
over my head.

1318
01:08:35,645 --> 01:08:37,812
I was really just trying
to scare you off.

1319
01:08:37,814 --> 01:08:39,813
You're not gonna get rid
of me that easy.

1320
01:08:39,815 --> 01:08:41,415
- Oh, no!
- Ha-ha-ha.

1321
01:08:41,417 --> 01:08:45,085
There I was, hiding in
the woods, when I thought:

1322
01:08:45,087 --> 01:08:49,290
"I used to live in a freezer,
so why not a freezer on wheels?"

1323
01:08:49,292 --> 01:08:51,392
Can't argue
with that logic.

1324
01:08:51,394 --> 01:08:53,861
I really miss this.

1325
01:08:53,863 --> 01:08:55,895
Was that sarcasm?

1326
01:08:55,897 --> 01:08:57,532
Was it?

1327
01:08:57,534 --> 01:08:58,501
Mm-hm.

1328
01:09:03,306 --> 01:09:05,973
Why wouldn't we
just move to an island?

1329
01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:07,573
That's a really
good idea.

1330
01:09:07,575 --> 01:09:09,109
Then there
wouldn't be zombies.

1331
01:09:09,111 --> 01:09:10,611
- Right.
- Of course.

1332
01:09:10,613 --> 01:09:12,848
We should go
to Temptation Island.

1333
01:09:14,749 --> 01:09:16,884
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

1334
01:09:16,886 --> 01:09:18,385
- What?
- Hey, hey.

1335
01:09:18,387 --> 01:09:20,519
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

1336
01:09:20,521 --> 01:09:22,355
Just... Just eyes
on the road.

1337
01:09:22,357 --> 01:09:25,024
Do you want me to change
the CD or anything?

1338
01:09:25,026 --> 01:09:26,693
Is this a CD playing?

1339
01:09:26,695 --> 01:09:28,228
- Yeah. It's Port...
- What is this?

1340
01:09:28,230 --> 01:09:30,264
It's Portishead.

1341
01:09:30,266 --> 01:09:32,633
- This is Portishead?
- Yeah. You know what's funny?

1342
01:09:32,635 --> 01:09:34,801
I used to think
it was called "Portashed"

1343
01:09:34,803 --> 01:09:37,603
until I went to one of
the concerts, and she explained.

1344
01:09:37,605 --> 01:09:39,273
Yeah, I would think
"Portasheed."

1345
01:09:39,275 --> 01:09:42,276
- Right. Yeah, that's funny.
- Yeah.

1346
01:09:42,278 --> 01:09:43,943
<i>It was obvious to me</i>

1347
01:09:43,945 --> 01:09:46,145
<i>that Wichita and I
were meant to be together,</i>

1348
01:09:46,147 --> 01:09:47,613
<i>which is why Madison's return</i>

1349
01:09:47,615 --> 01:09:49,250
<i>could not have been
worse timing.</i>

1350
01:09:49,252 --> 01:09:51,318
<i>Of course, I was glad
she wasn't a zombie.</i>

1351
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:54,157
<i>But couldn't she have just
gone back to her mall fridge?</i>

1352
01:09:56,825 --> 01:09:59,294
Hey. Hey, look,
look, look. Look.

1353
01:10:03,031 --> 01:10:04,130
Look.

1354
01:10:07,770 --> 01:10:10,437
We made it to Baby-lon.

1355
01:10:10,439 --> 01:10:14,008
<i>If you hear more than
the usual excitement in my voice,</i>

1356
01:10:14,010 --> 01:10:15,776
<i>it's for two reasons.</i>

1357
01:10:15,778 --> 01:10:18,511
<i>One, we may have caught up
to Little Rock,</i>

1358
01:10:18,513 --> 01:10:19,714
<i>for real this time.</i>

1359
01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:21,247
<i>And two, we may have</i>

1360
01:10:21,249 --> 01:10:23,483
<i>finally found our forever home,</i>

1361
01:10:23,485 --> 01:10:25,786
<i>which is what I've been
looking for all along.</i>

1362
01:10:25,788 --> 01:10:29,290
- Whoa, Babylon.
- I love that song.

1363
01:10:29,292 --> 01:10:32,091
- Hm?
- This place is soy cute.

1364
01:10:37,266 --> 01:10:40,332
- Whoa, Jesus!
- What the fuck?

1365
01:10:40,334 --> 01:10:43,536
- Enjoy the little things.
- My bags were in there!

1366
01:10:43,538 --> 01:10:46,340
- No, they weren't.
- No guns allowed!

1367
01:10:48,377 --> 01:10:50,977
I like this place already.
You got a sense of humor.

1368
01:10:50,979 --> 01:10:52,712
No guns allowed.

1369
01:10:52,714 --> 01:10:57,318
I'm not giving up my guns under
any circumstances, period-o.

1370
01:10:57,320 --> 01:11:00,220
Well, then, there's no way
you're getting up to Babylon.

1371
01:11:00,222 --> 01:11:02,257
You know, you could
always wait in the car.

1372
01:11:05,928 --> 01:11:07,763
Do you wanna see
Little Rock or not?

1373
01:11:21,709 --> 01:11:23,510
There she is!

1374
01:11:23,512 --> 01:11:25,644
I'm on a 40-day bowel blast.

1375
01:11:25,646 --> 01:11:26,915
Little Rock.

1376
01:11:28,484 --> 01:11:31,318
- Hey.
- Hi.

1377
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:32,719
What are you guys
doing here?

1378
01:11:32,721 --> 01:11:34,354
I am so glad you're safe.

1379
01:11:34,356 --> 01:11:36,023
- Wow, okay.
- Oh, my God.

1380
01:11:36,025 --> 01:11:37,425
- Come here.
- Hello.

1381
01:11:37,427 --> 01:11:39,260
Seriously, what are
you doing here?

1382
01:11:39,262 --> 01:11:41,362
Hey, we don't leave
each other.

1383
01:11:41,364 --> 01:11:42,996
I know, I know.
I'm really sorry.

1384
01:11:42,998 --> 01:11:45,198
Make me a pact.
No more notes. Ever.

1385
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,067
- No more notes. Ever.
- Ever. Great.

1386
01:11:47,069 --> 01:11:48,937
Just so you know,
there's no group sex.

1387
01:11:50,272 --> 01:11:52,406
- Okay, fine, group sex.
- Oh, whoa.

1388
01:11:52,408 --> 01:11:54,741
Hey, Wichita. That means
you're Columbus,

1389
01:11:54,743 --> 01:11:56,911
and that makes you Tallahassee.

1390
01:11:56,913 --> 01:11:58,911
- Berkeley?
- You're from Berkeley?

1391
01:11:58,913 --> 01:12:00,746
- You're Berkeley?
- No, come on.

1392
01:12:00,748 --> 01:12:02,983
What are the chances
we're both from Berkeley?

1393
01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:04,919
- Berkeley!
- Calm down, calm down. Okay?

1394
01:12:04,921 --> 01:12:07,287
Thank you for coming
to check up on me, I guess.

1395
01:12:07,289 --> 01:12:10,057
But you have to understand
these people are peaceful,

1396
01:12:10,059 --> 01:12:11,791
and they're friendly and nice.

1397
01:12:11,793 --> 01:12:14,493
And honestly, I don't think
you're gonna fit in here.

1398
01:12:14,495 --> 01:12:17,930
- They melted our fucking weapons!
- This is exactly what I meant.

1399
01:12:17,932 --> 01:12:20,567
Guys, I think
we should stay.

1400
01:12:20,569 --> 01:12:23,304
- You don't get a vote.
- I do get a vote.

1401
01:12:23,306 --> 01:12:25,438
Haven't you ever heard
of women suffering?

1402
01:12:25,440 --> 01:12:26,643
Women's suffrage?

1403
01:12:27,743 --> 01:12:29,643
- No, honey.
- Oh, boy.

1404
01:12:29,645 --> 01:12:31,379
- Who the hell is this?
- I'm Madison.

1405
01:12:31,381 --> 01:12:32,946
- Don't say it.
- You'll love this.

1406
01:12:32,948 --> 01:12:35,648
- Don't say it.
- That's Columbus' girlfriend.

1407
01:12:35,650 --> 01:12:36,983
It's official.

1408
01:12:36,985 --> 01:12:38,152
Wow, you just didn't

1409
01:12:38,154 --> 01:12:39,719
waste any time, did you?

1410
01:12:39,721 --> 01:12:42,421
- Well, thank you for your vote.
- And you're welcome.

1411
01:12:42,423 --> 01:12:45,593
Okay. I'm late for my
drum circle, so I gotta go.

1412
01:12:45,595 --> 01:12:46,826
Hey, Little Rock!

1413
01:12:46,828 --> 01:12:48,629
Sorry about that.

1414
01:12:58,641 --> 01:13:00,340
<i>Seeing Little Rock safe</i>

1415
01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:02,341
<i>and surrounded by friends
her own age,</i>

1416
01:13:02,343 --> 01:13:05,612
<i>Tallahassee realized
his nest was now empty.</i>

1417
01:13:05,614 --> 01:13:07,947
<i>And he began to hear
the call of the buffalo.</i>

1418
01:13:14,690 --> 01:13:16,889
All right, I'm ready!

1419
01:13:16,891 --> 01:13:19,326
Come on, don't be
so Gloria Glum.

1420
01:13:19,328 --> 01:13:20,960
I told you guys
I was leaving.

1421
01:13:20,962 --> 01:13:22,864
So, what, you're
just gonna split?

1422
01:13:25,367 --> 01:13:29,202
It's time. Gotta set out
on my own adventures.

1423
01:13:29,204 --> 01:13:31,136
Little Rock's
safe,

1424
01:13:31,138 --> 01:13:34,077
and, uh,
a lone wolf's gotta hunt.

1425
01:13:35,377 --> 01:13:36,844
So where are you gonna go?

1426
01:13:36,846 --> 01:13:39,716
The direction's
the destination. West.

1427
01:13:42,017 --> 01:13:44,350
West is that way.

1428
01:13:44,352 --> 01:13:48,889
Yeah. Anyway, like the title of
a great Phil Collins song:

1429
01:13:48,891 --> 01:13:52,526
"If You Love Somebody,
Set Them Free."

1430
01:13:52,528 --> 01:13:54,961
- Pretty sure that wasn't him.
- Pretty sure it was.

1431
01:13:54,963 --> 01:13:57,265
- No, it was someone else.
- Pretty sure it was him.

1432
01:13:59,235 --> 01:14:01,001
Yeah. Peace.

1433
01:14:01,003 --> 01:14:05,604
Uh, I'm not much
for goodbyes, so...

1434
01:14:05,606 --> 01:14:07,273
Just don't say
the pig thing.

1435
01:14:07,275 --> 01:14:09,376
Keep your tits dry.

1436
01:14:09,378 --> 01:14:11,778
- Oh, okay.
- Didn't see that coming, right?

1437
01:14:11,780 --> 01:14:13,712
I would've rather
the pig thing.

1438
01:14:18,454 --> 01:14:19,455
Hey.

1439
01:14:20,888 --> 01:14:23,325
Hey, don't do nothing
I wouldn't not do.

1440
01:14:24,927 --> 01:14:27,126
- You get what I'm saying.
- Not really, no.

1441
01:14:27,128 --> 01:14:28,728
No? Okay.

1442
01:14:29,864 --> 01:14:32,734
Anyway, gonna miss you guys.

1443
01:14:41,110 --> 01:14:43,242
I will never forget you,
what's-his-name.

1444
01:14:43,244 --> 01:14:45,444
- See you, pals.
- It's Tallahassee. I told you.

1445
01:14:45,446 --> 01:14:47,214
Sally Tally!

1446
01:14:57,226 --> 01:15:01,161
♪ Give me a
home Where the buffalo roam ♪

1447
01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:05,765
♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪

1448
01:15:05,767 --> 01:15:10,236
♪ Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word ♪

1449
01:15:10,238 --> 01:15:11,904
♪ And the skies are not... ♪

1450
01:15:18,814 --> 01:15:20,615
T-800s.

1451
01:15:23,517 --> 01:15:24,619
That decides it.

1452
01:15:39,266 --> 01:15:40,535
♪ Kumbaya ♪

1453
01:15:41,971 --> 01:15:43,937
♪ Kumbaya, Buddha ♪

1454
01:15:43,939 --> 01:15:46,809
Everybody.
♪ Kumbaya ♪

1455
01:15:48,744 --> 01:15:51,143
Coming to you. Oh!

1456
01:15:51,145 --> 01:15:53,246
There it is. Let's start again.

1457
01:15:53,248 --> 01:15:55,115
Oh, it's all right.
I got it.

1458
01:15:55,117 --> 01:15:57,318
Excuse me. Yes. I got it.

1459
01:15:57,320 --> 01:15:59,486
- You're supposed to kick it back.
- Really?

1460
01:15:59,488 --> 01:16:02,458
- You never seen hacky sack?
- I thought it's like hopscotch.

1461
01:16:04,126 --> 01:16:06,792
- Salty Taffy's back!
- Holy shit!

1462
01:16:06,794 --> 01:16:10,295
Hey, T-800s, a whole swarm
of them, heading right this way.

1463
01:16:10,297 --> 01:16:14,567
Those goddamn fireworks
might as well be a dinner bell!

1464
01:16:14,569 --> 01:16:17,170
Stop the fireworks!
Stop the music!

1465
01:16:17,172 --> 01:16:19,139
Everybody shut the fuck up!

1466
01:16:19,141 --> 01:16:20,240
Shut up.

1467
01:16:20,242 --> 01:16:21,907
Question:

1468
01:16:21,909 --> 01:16:24,544
Did you melt all the weapons?

1469
01:16:24,546 --> 01:16:27,013
Yeah, that's how we made
these peace thingies.

1470
01:16:27,015 --> 01:16:28,948
- Oh, Jesus.
- My guns!

1471
01:16:28,950 --> 01:16:31,050
Hey. Hello.
I got something going.

1472
01:16:31,052 --> 01:16:32,885
I think I might have a plan.

1473
01:16:32,887 --> 01:16:35,054
- Oh.
- What?

1474
01:16:35,056 --> 01:16:37,991
Heh, I got nothing.
I'm just a songwriter.

1475
01:16:37,993 --> 01:16:39,859
No. No, you're
a song transcriber.

1476
01:16:39,861 --> 01:16:41,694
- Listen, Berkeley?
- Yeah?

1477
01:16:41,696 --> 01:16:43,529
I don't think this
is gonna work out.

1478
01:16:43,531 --> 01:16:45,031
Even 12-year-olds know

1479
01:16:45,033 --> 01:16:47,367
who Bob Dylan is,
you fucking poser.

1480
01:16:47,369 --> 01:16:50,504
Oh, my God. I'm not gonna lie,
I have truly enjoyed

1481
01:16:50,506 --> 01:16:53,173
this moment, but there
are zombies approaching.

1482
01:16:53,175 --> 01:16:57,309
Okay. Uh, Civil War general,
you must know how to fight?

1483
01:16:57,311 --> 01:16:58,577
Sure.

1484
01:16:58,579 --> 01:17:02,182
Poverty, sexism,
social injustice.

1485
01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:04,651
- We could try running.
- I'm done running.

1486
01:17:04,653 --> 01:17:07,787
I mean, what good is a home
if you can't stay in it?

1487
01:17:07,789 --> 01:17:10,355
- Columbus.
- Yes, Thor?

1488
01:17:10,357 --> 01:17:12,091
You're gonna make me
cry right now.

1489
01:17:12,093 --> 01:17:13,593
- No, please don't.
- Oh, my God.

1490
01:17:13,595 --> 01:17:15,461
Okay. I moved through it.

1491
01:17:15,463 --> 01:17:18,098
From where I stand, there's
only one thing we can do.

1492
01:17:18,100 --> 01:17:19,802
Group sex.
Right?

1493
01:17:21,235 --> 01:17:23,004
No. Um...

1494
01:17:24,306 --> 01:17:26,471
We'll fight them.

1495
01:17:26,473 --> 01:17:29,776
You'll be the first to die,
but I like your enthusiasm.

1496
01:17:29,778 --> 01:17:32,347
- You might die.
- Thank you for your sacrifice.

1497
01:17:35,717 --> 01:17:37,951
All right,
everybody, listen up.

1498
01:17:37,953 --> 01:17:41,888
They outnumber us 100 times,
but they ain't got what we do.

1499
01:17:41,890 --> 01:17:43,590
- Guns?
- We don't have guns.

1500
01:17:43,592 --> 01:17:45,157
- What?
- What we do have

1501
01:17:45,159 --> 01:17:48,594
is heart, brains
and biodiesel.

1502
01:17:48,596 --> 01:17:50,330
<i>We're gonna light
these zombies up</i>

1503
01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:52,398
<i>like it's the Fourth of July.</i>

1504
01:17:52,400 --> 01:17:54,166
<i>Then we hit the stragglers.</i>

1505
01:17:54,168 --> 01:17:56,636
What we do is
we form a gauntlet.

1506
01:17:58,138 --> 01:18:00,439
One, two, three, yah!

1507
01:18:00,441 --> 01:18:02,943
- Then we mop them up.
- Sick.

1508
01:18:02,945 --> 01:18:05,844
- This is gonna work, right?
- It has to.

1509
01:18:16,057 --> 01:18:17,292
- Rolling. Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa!

1510
01:18:23,598 --> 01:18:24,964
- Keep screwing.
- Yeah, I am.

1511
01:18:24,966 --> 01:18:26,602
- Keep screwing.
- I am.

1512
01:18:41,283 --> 01:18:42,648
No turning back now.

1513
01:18:42,650 --> 01:18:45,419
Okay, there we go.

1514
01:18:45,421 --> 01:18:46,521
Nice.

1515
01:18:49,658 --> 01:18:51,758
Yeah. Oh, that's gonna work.

1516
01:18:54,128 --> 01:18:55,461
- Oh!
- Oh, that's pretty.

1517
01:18:55,463 --> 01:18:57,130
That means the zombies
are coming!

1518
01:18:57,132 --> 01:18:58,831
The zombies are coming!

1519
01:18:58,833 --> 01:19:01,704
- Time to nut up or shut up.
- You need a new line.

1520
01:19:03,270 --> 01:19:05,037
Let's kick some dicks.

1521
01:19:05,039 --> 01:19:07,974
Just because it rhymes doesn't
make it a great catchphrase.

1522
01:19:07,976 --> 01:19:09,608
- What's her problem?
- I don't know.

1523
01:19:09,610 --> 01:19:11,413
I like it when it rhymes.

1524
01:19:12,881 --> 01:19:15,180
- Here we go.
- Okay.

1525
01:19:31,932 --> 01:19:33,700
- Zombies, they're coming!
- Oh, dear.

1526
01:19:33,702 --> 01:19:36,102
Look out, guys!
Here they come. They're coming!

1527
01:19:36,104 --> 01:19:37,272
Battle stations!

1528
01:19:40,909 --> 01:19:41,811
Light them up!

1529
01:19:58,360 --> 01:20:00,896
Let's go, let's go!
Get up to safety.

1530
01:20:16,177 --> 01:20:17,613
Here we go.

1531
01:20:29,891 --> 01:20:32,259
Okay now, blow!

1532
01:20:32,261 --> 01:20:36,528
Come on. Now would be
an ideal time to blow.

1533
01:20:36,530 --> 01:20:38,967
- It's not working.
- Damn!

1534
01:20:44,873 --> 01:20:45,904
God!

1535
01:20:45,906 --> 01:20:47,439
Holy shit.
It worked.

1536
01:20:47,441 --> 01:20:49,776
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

1537
01:20:49,778 --> 01:20:52,045
Okay. Here, now we
mop up the stragglers.

1538
01:20:52,047 --> 01:20:53,647
Okay. Yeah.

1539
01:20:57,052 --> 01:20:58,384
Oh, shit.

1540
01:20:58,386 --> 01:21:00,286
Would those be
considered stragglers?

1541
01:21:00,288 --> 01:21:02,123
Oh, boy. Here they come.

1542
01:21:03,458 --> 01:21:05,027
Get ready!

1543
01:21:15,037 --> 01:21:18,104
Kill those motherfuckers!

1544
01:21:32,354 --> 01:21:35,787
Well, guys, I hate to say this.

1545
01:21:35,789 --> 01:21:38,159
I think this might be
the end of the road.

1546
01:21:40,994 --> 01:21:42,527
- Come here.
- I love you guys.

1547
01:21:42,529 --> 01:21:44,499
- I love you more.
- We had a hell of a run.

1548
01:21:47,302 --> 01:21:48,771
Oh, my God.
They're gonna die.

1549
01:22:00,582 --> 01:22:01,717
Oh!

1550
01:22:05,020 --> 01:22:06,088
Hey!

1551
01:22:13,028 --> 01:22:15,527
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

1552
01:22:15,529 --> 01:22:17,432
Thank God for rednecks!

1553
01:22:26,007 --> 01:22:27,674
- Need a ride?
- Oh, yeah.

1554
01:22:27,676 --> 01:22:29,111
- Get in.
- Let's go!

1555
01:22:33,213 --> 01:22:36,582
- Are y'all strapped in yet?
- Yep. Strapping in now.

1556
01:22:36,584 --> 01:22:38,518
- Rule four. Got it.
- You too.

1557
01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:41,223
I'm not a pussy like Columbus.
Nothing personal.

1558
01:22:42,656 --> 01:22:44,057
- Oh, God!
- Shit!

1559
01:22:44,059 --> 01:22:45,561
- Seatbelts are for a reason.
- Yep.

1560
01:22:49,696 --> 01:22:51,496
I'm feeling
a little nauseous.

1561
01:22:51,498 --> 01:22:54,067
- Can somebody crack a window?
- Oh, no, you don't.

1562
01:22:54,069 --> 01:22:55,768
Whoa!

1563
01:22:55,770 --> 01:22:57,437
- Roll down the window.
- That won't...

1564
01:22:57,439 --> 01:22:59,441
If you get sick,
we all get sick.

1565
01:23:01,243 --> 01:23:03,108
Woo-hoo!

1566
01:23:03,110 --> 01:23:04,944
Okay, okay. Oh, God.

1567
01:23:04,946 --> 01:23:07,080
Could you pull over
so I can get eaten?

1568
01:23:07,082 --> 01:23:08,316
It'll be more comfortable.

1569
01:23:11,753 --> 01:23:14,121
Whoo!

1570
01:23:14,123 --> 01:23:15,491
- Oh, shit. Watch out!
- Do it!

1571
01:23:20,895 --> 01:23:21,996
Woo-hoo!

1572
01:23:24,132 --> 01:23:26,832
Oh, my God, you are sexy.

1573
01:23:26,834 --> 01:23:29,471
Can you not say "sexy"?
I'm already nauseous.

1574
01:23:34,810 --> 01:23:37,713
Shit, Shit, shit!
Oh, shit.

1575
01:23:38,946 --> 01:23:40,078
Shit.

1576
01:23:40,080 --> 01:23:41,514
- Shit!
- You guys okay?

1577
01:23:41,516 --> 01:23:43,282
Thank you for flying
Big Fat Death.

1578
01:23:43,284 --> 01:23:44,750
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!

1579
01:23:44,752 --> 01:23:46,952
I told you these things
were a rollover risk!

1580
01:23:46,954 --> 01:23:48,621
- We gotta move!
- Come on!

1581
01:23:48,623 --> 01:23:51,491
Hurry! Hurry! They're coming!

1582
01:23:51,493 --> 01:23:53,460
- Oh, no!
- Come on! Here they come!

1583
01:23:53,462 --> 01:23:54,997
- Go, go, go!
- Shit.

1584
01:23:56,131 --> 01:23:57,496
- Come on!
- Oh, shit!

1585
01:23:57,498 --> 01:23:59,933
Come on!

1586
01:23:59,935 --> 01:24:01,303
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!

1587
01:24:03,605 --> 01:24:04,573
Whoa!

1588
01:24:09,778 --> 01:24:10,810
- Thank you.
- Thank you!

1589
01:24:10,812 --> 01:24:12,545
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

1590
01:24:12,547 --> 01:24:14,147
Here they come!

1591
01:24:18,954 --> 01:24:20,756
- Go, get in. Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!

1592
01:24:24,592 --> 01:24:25,591
Run!

1593
01:24:28,629 --> 01:24:31,699
- I'm out of bullets!
- Guys, go! I'm right behind you!

1594
01:24:34,802 --> 01:24:37,872
Get in position! Form the
gauntlet! I'll hold them off!

1595
01:24:41,176 --> 01:24:43,512
<i>Donkey Kong,</i> motherfuckers!

1596
01:25:08,869 --> 01:25:11,371
<i>You can't write
the history of Zombieland</i>

1597
01:25:11,373 --> 01:25:15,207
<i>without telling the story
of one momentous day.</i>

1598
01:25:15,209 --> 01:25:18,210
<i>The day one free man
made the ultimate sacrifice</i>

1599
01:25:18,212 --> 01:25:21,346
<i>and paid respect
to the Blackfoot ancestors</i>

1600
01:25:21,348 --> 01:25:23,217
<i>he may or may not have had.</i>

1601
01:25:25,285 --> 01:25:28,854
<i>The day he led the first,
the last, the only</i>

1602
01:25:28,856 --> 01:25:30,225
<i>great American zombie jump.</i>

1603
01:25:58,887 --> 01:26:00,620
Zombie Kill of the Year?

1604
01:26:00,622 --> 01:26:02,288
<i>Century.</i>

1605
01:26:02,290 --> 01:26:04,924
<i>Only one problem.
Well, okay, two.</i>

1606
01:26:07,628 --> 01:26:08,596
Oh!

1607
01:26:13,467 --> 01:26:15,300
- Hey!
- Tallahassee!

1608
01:26:15,302 --> 01:26:18,136
- Hang on, we're coming.
- Hold on.

1609
01:26:18,138 --> 01:26:19,471
- Help! I'm falling!
- Shit!

1610
01:26:19,473 --> 01:26:21,340
We can't help you.

1611
01:26:21,342 --> 01:26:22,841
Guys! Help me!

1612
01:26:22,843 --> 01:26:25,344
- Shit. What should we do?
- Throw something at them.

1613
01:26:25,346 --> 01:26:28,113
Oh, shit. Okay. Shit. Sorry.

1614
01:26:28,115 --> 01:26:31,084
Wha... You hit me in the nuts
with a hacky sack!

1615
01:26:31,086 --> 01:26:32,318
- Sorry.
- What?

1616
01:26:32,320 --> 01:26:34,756
I'm losing my grip.
I'm gonna fall.

1617
01:26:36,123 --> 01:26:38,457
No! Oh, no!

1618
01:26:52,239 --> 01:26:53,876
Long live the King.

1619
01:26:55,276 --> 01:26:57,510
- Oh.
- Ew.

1620
01:26:57,512 --> 01:26:59,444
Guys! I'm still here!

1621
01:26:59,446 --> 01:27:01,413
- Give me your hand!
- Hold my arm.

1622
01:27:01,415 --> 01:27:04,082
- Kick your foot out.
- Goddamn it, Columbus!

1623
01:27:04,084 --> 01:27:05,518
Point your toe!

1624
01:27:05,520 --> 01:27:07,319
This human chain thing
is a terrible idea!

1625
01:27:07,321 --> 01:27:08,688
- Guh!
- I can't reach.

1626
01:27:08,690 --> 01:27:10,523
Kick it, kick it. I got it.

1627
01:27:10,525 --> 01:27:12,157
Pull, pull.

1628
01:27:12,159 --> 01:27:14,126
Okay. I got you.

1629
01:27:14,128 --> 01:27:15,460
Okay.

1630
01:27:15,462 --> 01:27:17,662
Oh, man. Are you okay?

1631
01:27:17,664 --> 01:27:19,532
- Yeah.
- That was amazing.

1632
01:27:19,534 --> 01:27:21,503
Oh... Thank you.

1633
01:27:22,803 --> 01:27:23,805
Hey.

1634
01:27:26,707 --> 01:27:28,174
You kept the gun?

1635
01:27:28,176 --> 01:27:30,643
How could I give up
my favorite Christmas present?

1636
01:27:30,645 --> 01:27:32,344
Why didn't you
pull it out sooner?

1637
01:27:32,346 --> 01:27:34,913
I forget about it but...
I smoked a lot of weed.

1638
01:27:36,985 --> 01:27:38,420
Chip off the old block.

1639
01:27:41,722 --> 01:27:43,555
Yes.

1640
01:27:43,557 --> 01:27:45,927
Yes?
Oh, yes, yes?

1641
01:27:47,061 --> 01:27:48,030
Yes, yes.

1642
01:27:49,597 --> 01:27:50,763
Yes, yes, yes?

1643
01:27:50,765 --> 01:27:52,665
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes?

1644
01:27:52,667 --> 01:27:53,735
- Really?
- Mm-hm.

1645
01:27:56,171 --> 01:27:57,937
What changed your mind?

1646
01:27:57,939 --> 01:28:00,642
Because Zombieland or not,
we're meant to be together.

1647
01:28:04,079 --> 01:28:08,881
So basically, that means
this belongs to her.

1648
01:28:08,883 --> 01:28:11,951
Oh, hm. Cool.

1649
01:28:11,953 --> 01:28:13,618
Thank you.

1650
01:28:13,620 --> 01:28:15,086
Okay.

1651
01:28:17,458 --> 01:28:19,425
- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yeah.

1652
01:28:19,427 --> 01:28:20,760
- Okay. I'm good.
- Okay.

1653
01:28:20,762 --> 01:28:23,263
- Yeah, do the damn thing. Yeah.
- Okay.

1654
01:28:23,265 --> 01:28:26,432
- Great. Which hand do I...?
- This one.

1655
01:28:26,434 --> 01:28:27,802
- Okay.
- Okay, yes. Here we go.

1656
01:28:32,339 --> 01:28:33,742
Wow.

1657
01:28:34,943 --> 01:28:36,211
Come here.

1658
01:28:40,714 --> 01:28:42,916
Nicely done.

1659
01:28:42,918 --> 01:28:46,885
I'm gonna walk that little
spitfuck down the aisle.

1660
01:28:46,887 --> 01:28:49,555
It's a good thing
you didn't die, then.

1661
01:28:49,557 --> 01:28:50,825
Washoe County.

1662
01:28:53,394 --> 01:28:56,228
- What?
- Washoe County, Nevada.

1663
01:28:56,230 --> 01:28:58,096
Ah, Reno.

1664
01:28:58,098 --> 01:29:00,002
Biggest little city
in the world.

1665
01:29:07,542 --> 01:29:08,808
- Just go for it.
- Thank you.

1666
01:29:08,810 --> 01:29:10,542
- Sweet.
- Oh, my God.

1667
01:29:11,878 --> 01:29:12,978
What? What?

1668
01:29:12,980 --> 01:29:14,516
- Oh, my gosh!
- Shit!

1669
01:29:19,553 --> 01:29:23,255
- Homer. It's a long way down.
- Our work here is done.

1670
01:29:23,257 --> 01:29:24,822
Let's party!

1671
01:29:24,824 --> 01:29:26,293
- Come on!
- Yeah!

1672
01:29:27,462 --> 01:29:28,661
Wait for me.

1673
01:29:51,519 --> 01:29:56,621
Hell, this is
a 1955 Fleetwood Series 60. Hoo!

1674
01:29:56,623 --> 01:30:00,827
Every hair on my body
feels like a little wang.

1675
01:30:00,829 --> 01:30:03,196
- Yikes.
- Where to?

1676
01:30:03,198 --> 01:30:05,630
Mm, how about home?

1677
01:30:05,632 --> 01:30:06,732
Home?

1678
01:30:06,734 --> 01:30:07,869
- Yeah.
- Yes, good idea.

1679
01:30:09,870 --> 01:30:10,905
Where's home?

1680
01:30:12,539 --> 01:30:15,308
I think we're already there.

1681
01:30:15,310 --> 01:30:17,010
<i>Because if our adventures</i>

1682
01:30:17,012 --> 01:30:19,678
<i>had taught us about anything,
it was home.</i>

1683
01:30:19,680 --> 01:30:21,846
<i>Wichita didn't need
to be afraid of it.</i>

1684
01:30:21,848 --> 01:30:23,881
<i>I didn't need
to keep looking for it.</i>

1685
01:30:23,883 --> 01:30:27,687
<i>Because home isn't a place,
it's the people you're with.</i>

1686
01:30:27,689 --> 01:30:29,988
<i>I guess that's why
they're called your homies.</i>

1687
01:30:29,990 --> 01:30:32,224
<i>And my homies
are pretty fucking awesome.</i>

1688
01:30:32,226 --> 01:30:34,827
<i>So till next time,
this is Columbus, Ohio,</i>

1689
01:30:34,829 --> 01:30:37,028
<i>on behalf of Wichita,
Little Rock,</i>

1690
01:30:37,030 --> 01:30:38,331
<i>Reno and Tallahassee,</i>

1691
01:30:38,333 --> 01:30:42,166
<i>saying</i> hasta la vista, <i>baby.</i>

1692
01:30:42,168 --> 01:30:43,702
<i>That one's for you, Flagstaff.</i>

1693
01:30:50,244 --> 01:30:54,715
<i>♪ Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising ♪</i>

1694
01:30:56,851 --> 01:30:58,584
<i>♪ Higher, higher ♪</i>

1695
01:30:58,586 --> 01:31:01,021
<i>♪ It's burning through
To my soul... ♪</i>

1696
01:31:03,891 --> 01:31:06,224
<i>Oh, hey.
Yeah, sorry. One more thing.</i>

1697
01:31:06,226 --> 01:31:08,827
<i>I'm feeling a little guilty
about what Nevada said.</i>

1698
01:31:08,829 --> 01:31:11,496
<i>You know, about Murraying
a certain you-know-who?</i>

1699
01:31:11,498 --> 01:31:13,232
<i>Yeah, my bad.
I blew a hole</i>

1700
01:31:13,234 --> 01:31:15,667
<i>through the finest comic actor
of our generation.</i>

1701
01:31:15,669 --> 01:31:18,269
<i>But I would love to make it up
to you, to all of you.</i>

1702
01:31:18,271 --> 01:31:21,005
<i>And for that,
we gotta go back to 2009.</i>

1703
01:31:24,412 --> 01:31:25,777
Welcome, everyone,

1704
01:31:25,779 --> 01:31:27,913
to the <i>Garfield 3: Flabby Tabby</i>
junket.

1705
01:31:27,915 --> 01:31:29,448
You'll each have five minutes.

1706
01:31:29,450 --> 01:31:31,751
Please keep your questions
focused on the film

1707
01:31:31,753 --> 01:31:33,452
and don't go off-topic.

1708
01:31:33,454 --> 01:31:35,621
<i>The idea of a
trilogy was something...</i>

1709
01:31:35,623 --> 01:31:39,090
As an artist,
you think the great ones:

1710
01:31:39,092 --> 01:31:41,059
<i>Godfather</i> and...

1711
01:31:41,061 --> 01:31:43,161
uh, <i>Lethal Weapon.</i>

1712
01:31:43,163 --> 01:31:46,999
But the question is,
why in the world <i>Garfield 3?</i>

1713
01:31:47,001 --> 01:31:49,300
- Can this be just between us?
- Yes.

1714
01:31:49,302 --> 01:31:51,336
Drugs cost money.

1715
01:31:51,338 --> 01:31:53,072
And I have to say,
as an actor,

1716
01:31:53,074 --> 01:31:55,773
how many of your nine lives
do you think you have left?

1717
01:31:55,775 --> 01:31:59,312
Well, I've done three of these.
Three <i>Garfields.</i>

1718
01:31:59,314 --> 01:32:00,612
So that's six.

1719
01:32:00,614 --> 01:32:02,581
The essence of Garfield,
I think...

1720
01:32:02,583 --> 01:32:03,648
Right.

1721
01:32:03,650 --> 01:32:05,850
...is the hairball.

1722
01:32:05,852 --> 01:32:08,319
Didn't I say? I had a feeling
this would come up.

1723
01:32:12,827 --> 01:32:15,027
You don't wanna do the hairball
really quick?

1724
01:32:15,029 --> 01:32:16,795
- No.
- Can you try now?

1725
01:32:16,797 --> 01:32:19,365
- Give me a little hairball now?
- Come on.

1726
01:32:22,168 --> 01:32:23,238
Come on.

1727
01:32:29,177 --> 01:32:31,309
You know, how about if I
did it with you?

1728
01:32:31,311 --> 01:32:33,312
- Okay. Come on. Come on.
- That was close.

1729
01:32:33,314 --> 01:32:34,880
We'll do a selfie together.

1730
01:32:36,784 --> 01:32:38,216
Great. Great.

1731
01:32:41,254 --> 01:32:43,022
You all right, man?

1732
01:32:44,091 --> 01:32:45,323
All over the mike.

1733
01:32:45,325 --> 01:32:46,925
Can we get a baby wipe
for Al?

1734
01:32:46,927 --> 01:32:48,693
Maybe move him back
to his room?

1735
01:32:55,436 --> 01:32:57,205
Huge fan, Mr. Roker.

1736
01:32:59,539 --> 01:33:01,674
All right, Tim,
let's get out of here.

1737
01:33:01,676 --> 01:33:03,675
Somebody get my car.
I'm ready to go.

1738
01:33:03,677 --> 01:33:05,676
I've never seen Roker
behave that way.

1739
01:33:05,678 --> 01:33:07,045
That was crazy.

1740
01:33:07,047 --> 01:33:09,115
Sometimes it feels like
you against the world.

1741
01:33:09,117 --> 01:33:10,549
- Oh, my God.
- I think it is.

1742
01:33:16,723 --> 01:33:17,855
Oh, dear.

1743
01:33:17,857 --> 01:33:19,457
<i>♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪</i>

1744
01:33:21,128 --> 01:33:22,264
Excuse me?

1745
01:33:26,133 --> 01:33:28,733
<i>♪ Do what you like ♪</i>

1746
01:33:28,735 --> 01:33:30,536
<i>♪ Doing it naturally ♪</i>

1747
01:33:30,538 --> 01:33:32,237
Nice!

1748
01:33:32,239 --> 01:33:34,807
<i>♪ But if it's too easy ♪</i>

1749
01:33:34,809 --> 01:33:36,140
<i>♪ They're gonna disagree ♪</i>

1750
01:33:36,142 --> 01:33:37,509
Help me!

1751
01:33:37,511 --> 01:33:40,712
<i>♪ It's your life ♪</i>

1752
01:33:40,714 --> 01:33:43,284
Bill Murray! I love some
of your films. Help me!

1753
01:33:46,587 --> 01:33:48,123
I ain't afraid of no ghost.

1754
01:33:52,694 --> 01:33:54,663
<i>Buenas tardes,</i> señorita.

1755
01:33:58,966 --> 01:34:00,965
I hate Mondays.

1756
01:34:00,967 --> 01:34:06,140
<i>♪ Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising ♪</i>

1757
01:34:08,441 --> 01:34:10,209
<i>♪ Higher, higher ♪</i>

1758
01:34:10,211 --> 01:34:12,847
<i>♪ It's burning through
To my soul ♪</i>

1759
01:34:15,083 --> 01:34:16,782
<i>♪ Girl, girl, girl ♪</i>

1760
01:34:16,784 --> 01:34:19,788
<i>♪ You gonna set me on fire ♪</i>

1761
01:34:21,722 --> 01:34:23,455
<i>♪ My brain is flaming ♪</i>

1762
01:34:23,457 --> 01:34:25,927
<i>♪ I don't know
Which way to go ♪</i>

1763
01:34:28,163 --> 01:34:31,563
<i>♪ And your kisses
Lift me higher ♪</i>

1764
01:34:31,565 --> 01:34:34,934
<i>♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪</i>

1765
01:34:34,936 --> 01:34:37,435
<i>♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪</i>

1766
01:34:37,437 --> 01:34:39,940
<i>♪ With your burning love ♪</i>

1767
01:34:41,941 --> 01:34:43,575
<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

1768
01:34:43,577 --> 01:34:48,480
<i>♪ I feel
My temperature rising, yeah ♪</i>

1769
01:34:48,482 --> 01:34:50,215
<i>♪ Well, help me, I'm flaming ♪</i>

1770
01:34:50,217 --> 01:34:55,153
<i>♪ I must be
A hundred and nine, wow ♪</i>

1771
01:34:55,155 --> 01:34:56,988
<i>♪ Burning, burning ♪</i>

1772
01:34:56,990 --> 01:35:01,327
<i>♪ Burning
And nothing can cool me, oh ♪</i>

1773
01:35:01,329 --> 01:35:04,229
<i>♪ I just might turn
Into smoke ♪</i>

1774
01:35:04,231 --> 01:35:06,368
<i>♪ But I feel fine ♪</i>

1775
01:35:08,101 --> 01:35:11,303
<i>♪ Because your kisses
Lift me higher ♪</i>

1776
01:35:11,305 --> 01:35:14,840
<i>♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪</i>

1777
01:35:14,842 --> 01:35:17,442
<i>♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪</i>

1778
01:35:17,444 --> 01:35:22,113
<i>♪ With your burning love
Yeah ♪</i>

1779
01:35:22,115 --> 01:35:25,117
<i>♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪</i>

1780
01:35:25,119 --> 01:35:28,453
<i>♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪</i>

1781
01:35:28,455 --> 01:35:32,694
<i>♪ Ah, ah, ah
Burning love ♪</i>

1782
01:35:34,994 --> 01:35:36,795
<i>♪ It's coming closer ♪</i>

1783
01:35:36,797 --> 01:35:41,934
<i>♪ The flames are now
Reachin' my body, oh ♪</i>

1784
01:35:41,936 --> 01:35:43,602
<i>♪ Please, won't you help me ♪</i>

1785
01:35:43,604 --> 01:35:48,540
<i>♪ I feel like
I'm slippin' away, oh ♪</i>

1786
01:35:48,542 --> 01:35:50,242
<i>♪ It's hard to breathe ♪</i>

1787
01:35:50,244 --> 01:35:52,881
<i>♪ Oh, and my chest
Is a-heaving ♪</i>

1788
01:35:55,048 --> 01:35:56,916
<i>♪ Oh, Lord have mercy ♪</i>

1789
01:35:56,918 --> 01:35:59,721
<i>♪ I'm burning a hole
where I lay ♪</i>

1790
01:36:01,555 --> 01:36:04,755
<i>♪ 'Cause your kisses
Lift me higher ♪</i>

1791
01:36:04,757 --> 01:36:08,359
<i>♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪</i>

1792
01:36:08,361 --> 01:36:10,830
<i>♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪</i>

1793
01:36:10,832 --> 01:36:13,264
<i>♪ With your burning love ♪</i>

1794
01:36:13,266 --> 01:36:16,736
<i>♪ Yeah, your burning love ♪</i>

1795
01:36:16,738 --> 01:36:19,904
<i>♪ Ah, your burning love ♪</i>

1796
01:36:19,906 --> 01:36:21,674
<i>♪ Ooh ♪</i>

1797
01:36:21,676 --> 01:36:24,777
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1798
01:36:24,779 --> 01:36:28,380
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1799
01:36:28,382 --> 01:36:31,416
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1800
01:36:31,418 --> 01:36:34,752
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1801
01:36:34,754 --> 01:36:38,023
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1802
01:36:38,025 --> 01:36:41,359
<i>♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪</i>

1803
01:36:41,361 --> 01:36:44,429
<i>♪ Burning love, yeah ♪</i>

1804
01:36:44,431 --> 01:36:49,903
<i>♪ Burning love, nah ♪</i>

1805
01:38:38,678 --> 01:38:41,313
Oh, pardon. <i>En español,</i>
it's like:

1806
01:38:48,689 --> 01:38:50,792
P... P... Pardon my accent.

1807
01:38:51,720 --> 01:38:56,720
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org