(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Aw, hey there, big guy. How you feeling this morning, huh?
- Uh, good. - Okay. I'm just checking.
- You're a tough little cookie. - Thanks, Linda.
You guys talking about Dad's hemorrhoid?
- Oh, you mean Gary? - You named my hemorrhoid?
Yeah. Gary. He lives in your butt.
Well, Gary has moved out. It's just my butt now.
- Brian? - Wait. My butt's name is Brian?
Big old Brian.
- Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. - So much better, yeah.
What the doctor was gonna do to you sounded like a horror movie.
- We don't have to talk about it. - Seems like we do.
The doctor said if your dad's hemorrhoid didn't get smaller,
they'd put a needle up his butt and drain it.
- (ALL GROANING) - Nope.
They were about to do it,
but then I started to get nauseous and I was dry-heaving. In a brave way.
So he said we could wait a few days and see if it got better on its own.
- And it did. - Yeah.
It's totally better. All gone.
On its own. Never will have to do that needle thing.
- Butt needle. - Gene.
Why isn't Gretchen calling me back?
Ugh, I know why.
'Cause I melted her lookbook at the salon and she's really upset.
I'm still a little confused how you melted something
while getting a haircut.
(SIGHS) I was in the chair looking at Gretchen's lookbook.
She has old magazine cutouts of every hairstyle she's ever done.
She puts inspirational stuff in there too.
Some cute dogs, Jason Priestley.
Anyway, Gretchen had to step away,
and she put down her curling iron.
So I then decided I wanted to read a magazine.
So I put down the lookbook on top of the curling iron, which I did not see.
Apparently, you're not supposed to do that.
- Because of fire? - Yes, Tina.
It melted in the middle and got sort of roasted around the edges.
- Like a Cubano. - Anyway, I feel horrible.
I'm just gonna call her again. Damn it. Voicemail. Hey, Gretchen.
Oh, my God. I bet you look so pretty today. I can't stand it.
That's a weird-looking squirrel.
Wait. Never mind.
That's just a wet sock laying in the road.
- It makes you think. - Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Free stuff? Veterinarian, the board game.
"Feel the high-paced intensity of a veterinarian's office
-"from the comfort of your living room." - Damn.
Who's excited to play this after school?
I mean, the television still works, right?
Look. You get to operate on dogs, birds, cats.
There's a spinner thing. That's fun, right?
Oh, you guys kept walking.
Gretchen.
- Hi, Linda. - Hi.
You're not here to beat me up, right? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No. I just got my nails done.
Okay. Well, how about a free burger? On the house.
- Sure. I could eat. - Wait. On the house? Seriously?
One burger of the day for Gretchen, Bobby.
- Okay. - Hi, Bob. How are you? You look good.
- Hi, Gretchen. - His hemorrhoid went away.
- Thanks, Lin. - They were gonna use a butt needle.
Lin. Yep, yep. But it's fine now.
It's all good. Bye.
- I figured out how you can pay me back. - Yeah?
- You're friends with a limo driver? - Yeah.
Well, you know how I'm planning my sister Jestain's bachelorette party?
- Yeah. - And everything was gonna be great.
We were gonna eat at the Oyster Palace.
- Oh, yum. - Yeah, she likes the seafood tower.
It's like they put the whole ocean on that thing.
After dinner, we're going to Pickles
to see a different kind of seafood tower. If you know what I mean.
- I think I do. Should I say? - Teddy, no.
And we were gonna drive around all night in a limo,
which apparently you have to book in advance, which I did not do.
So I was wondering if your friend could help me out
and I'll forget all about you burning my lookbook
that I worked on for 15 years!
Okay. Okay. Yes. I'll call her. I'll call her.
- Oh, frick, Linda. I'm out of town. - No.
Yeah, I'm staying with my friend Axel in Cedarburg, Wisconsin, for the week.
He bought a bunch of goats.
His neighbors are mad at him, and I don't blame them.
He doesn't have a fence. Wait.
- What? - Use my limo. Ow. Ow.
You just have to find a driver you can trust
who's comfortable handling a large, elegant vehicle
that's also a rolling work of art.
- Do you know someone like that? - I mean, I...
- What about me? - Done. You're a limo driver now.
- Seriously? - Of course.
You just have to pay for gas and clean up any pukes or poops.
Or puke-poops, which is a thing.
Thank you so much, Nat. I'll take good care of her.
Yes. Now I don't have to burn something you love.
This is gonna be the best bachelorette party.
I'm the best big sister ever!
This bachelorette party's gonna suck. I screwed up.
None of Jestain's friends can come.
Okay, slow down. Tell me what happened.
I forgot to send the email invite.
All her friends are doing other things tomorrow night.
- All of them? - Yeah. One of them's an ER doctor.
Another one's visiting her mom in Florida. I mean, come on.
And another one already has plans
because the person let them know more than a day before the event.
So now we have an empty limo, except for me,
Jestain and Ms. Baker, our third grade teacher.
- Your third grade teacher? - I was desperate.
Third grade teachers can be friends, Linda.
Should we do it on a different night?
No. It has to be tomorrow.
Jestain asked her boss for the night off weeks ago.
That Wing You Do doesn't just let waitresses
take off whatever night they want. (SIGHS)
That limo's gonna feel so empty.
Well, uh, I could go, maybe, as a guest.
- Huh? - I mean, I know Jestain, sort of.
I met her that time at the salon when she brought you wings.
And then you ate the wings while you did my hair.
- Okay. - My sister Gayle could come maybe.
She's sort of fun for people to be around.
- Yeah. - Then it'll be you, me,
and our little sisters hanging out and shouting woo. And Ms. Baker too.
Yeah. Maybe that could work and not be too weird.
We just need to find a new limo driver. Ooh, what about Bob?
Wait. You want me to drive the limo?
Bobby, please. I need this night to go well so Gretchen will forgive me.
And driving is just like sitting.
So, really you'll just be sitting all night.
Mmm-hmm. I love sitting.
Well, maybe you want to sit down here and play a little board game
that's fun for the whole family.
- Nope. - Sorry, Tina.
Not feeling it right now. Okay. I get it.
- So Bob can do it. Bob's gonna drive. - GRETCHEN: Great.
Hey, this is gonna be okay, right?
Of course. We're gonna give Jestain
the bachelorette party of her dreams
with people she kind of knows. All right.
- (TINA WHISTLES) - Thank you.
Doesn't your father look like a real limo driver?
What can't this guy do?
- Touch his toes. - Hmm.
- Touch his knees. - Okay.
- Brush his teeth. - Let's not play this game.
Wait. Where's Jen? She should be here by now.
That's the first rule of babysitting. Be at the place.
I'm gonna call her. Hi, Jen. It's Linda Belcher.
- Hi, Linda. It's Jen. - Are you on your way?
- In life? - To our house.
I'm not babysitting until next weekend,
so if I left now, I'm worried I'd get there too early.
Next weekend? No, tonight.
Oh, it, uh, can't be tonight because I wrote down
"Linda Belcher, babysit next weekend."
Tonight I wrote down "teach night school."
Guys, go ahead and take out your graphing calculators.
I should probably get off the phone. Bye.
Okay, Tina, you're in charge tonight.
In charge, huh? So they have to do or play whatever I say?
- No, Mom, please. - She's gonna make us neuter animals.
Sorry. She's the oldest. She's in charge, and we got to go.
Don't neuter anything I wouldn't neuter, and stay out of my room.
Uh-oh. Just going over a speed bump.
Front wheels and back wheels.
- (SIGHS) Yeah, we did it. - He's very bad at driving.
What are you wearing? Is that your Renaissance faire outfit?
- Yeah. I also sleep in it sometimes. - (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Ooh, hey, Gretchen. - I just thought of something.
Bob can't be Bob, your husband.
It kind of ruins the magic. Can he be someone else?
Um, yep. Bob, you got that?
- What am I doing? - Gotta go. Bye.
- Pretend you're just the limo driver. - Okay.
And come up with a fake name.
- Really? - You should have an accent.
Wait. What? I don't want to do an accent.
You gotta do it.
Oh, Bob, pretend you're an ex-con putting your life back together.
And you didn't mean to hurt all those people,
but their ghosts come to see you at night
and give you little riddles to solve about their lives.
- Do I say all of that or... - No, that's just your vibe.
Oh, my God. Look at this freaking limo!
Hello. Ciao. I am your limousine driver, Dob.
Dob, the driver. Uh, and I am not married. I'm single.
Not me. I'm getting married.
Hello, Dob. It's nice to have never met you.
Glad you could make it, Linda. And Gayle, right?
This is Ms. Baker. I haven't seen her since third grade.
I brought stickers. Jestain always liked stickers.
Gretchen liked fighting.
Well, now look at her. Or look at me, 'cause she did my hair.
She's a genius with hair.
Like that Einstein guy. Have you seen the hair on him?
Whoo! I can't believe we're going to Pickles after dinner!
Gretch, remember the last time we were there?
Of course I do.
- The tea party! - The tea party!
Tea party? Is that, like, a sex thing I don't know about?
No. The three dancers were on stage having an actual tea party.
Not just any dancers either.
The best dancers at Pickles. Throb, Rocket and Steve. Oh...
Yeah, sitting in little chairs, little saucers, teacups, tiny sandwiches.
And then the music kicked in.
And when those men formed a pyramid,
and the guy on top sprayed tea everywhere,
like he was the damn fountain at the Bellagio...
In that moment, everything in the world felt beautiful.
Oh, my God.
And I got to be there with my big sister.
If we see that performance tonight... Wow.
Oh, you're seeing it. Don't worry.
Look how many singles I brought.
- $40 worth of singles. - Whoo!
- I dropped one. I dropped some more. - I love my big sister!
Oh, red light.
Hi. How's your sandwich?
Now look. I know you guys are a little on the fence about playing this game.
- On the fence? - But I'm in charge, so we're doing it.
So, it says the player who has saved the most animals wins.
You spin the spinner thing and move your piece.
Gene, you go first.
GENE: Four.
Ooh, exciting. Procedure card. See what it says.
"Express poodle's anal glands. Collect $150." Yeah.
Way to go, Gene. My turn. Six. Big number. Heh.
"Fake credentials"? "License suspended"? "Lose two turns"? "Pay $200"?
What? But... Uh... Having fun. Heh.
All right, Louise, your turn.
- Okay. - Hope you get a six. Kidding. Heh.
(WITH ACCENT) Oh, we're going to drive by Pickles on our way to dinner.
Maybe if we look real hard, we'll see some abs.
- Yeah, a little abs-setizer. Whoo! - What the...
(REGULAR VOICE) Uh-oh. Linda? Linda?
- What? - Pickles is being fumigated.
- What? - Look.
Oh, no. Oh, my God. You know what? Don't drive this way.
- Turn, turn, turn! - What?
- Turn! - Oh, my God.
(WITH ACCENT) Hang on, everyone.
- (ALL GASP) - Sorry. That street was, uh, no good.
What a mysterious man. I wonder what demons he's running from.
Welcome to the Oyster Palace, ladies.
Uh, Gretchen, hang back here for a second. Everyone else go in.
Everything's fine. Ooh, oh, I can smell the oysters.
What is it? What's going on?
Pickles is closed. They're fumigating.
- What? No, no, no. - That's why I turned like that.
- I'm a good driver. - Didn't you call and make a reservation?
Who makes a reservation at a strip club?
"Hey. Hi. Can you reserve some naked men for us?"
I just figured you'd called or something.
- What are we gonna do? - Is there another strip club nearby?
There was Dingles in Bog Harbor, but it shut down last year.
And, of course, Todd's Tush Tavern closed a while back.
So Pickles is really the only option. I keep screwing this up.
What? No.
You heard how much Pickles meant to her.
Can we at least wait till after dinner to tell her we're not going?
No. You're not telling her anything.
You asked for my help, and I'm gonna help you.
I don't just burn precious lookbooks. I also put out fires.
- (GASPS) I just got chills. - Yeah. Yeah.
Wait. Jen. Jen's cousin works at Pickles.
Hot Cousin Dave?
Yes. Maybe we can call Jen and get his number.
And maybe he can get us the numbers of those guys.
Throb, Rocket, and Steve?
- Yeah. - Wait. And then what?
There's no Pickles right now.
Well, maybe we all go to a different place.
Maybe they'll come to Gretchen's place.
Damn it. My landlady said no more parties
since the one where I kind of peed off my balcony onto her balcony.
What is a balcony for, then? What are you using your balcony for?
I mean, there is a place we could use.
- Bob. - Oh, no.
- Come on. We're desperate. - I don't know if that's even legal.
- We'll cover up the windows. - But we serve food there.
What if penis sweat gets everywhere?
I mean, it won't get everywhere.
- Do it for Gretchen. - Yeah, do it for me. And Jestain.
Oh, my God. My sweet little Jestain.
- Ugh, fine. - All right!
- Pickles at the restaurant. - Oh, my God. Thank you.
We should get inside and eat oysters. For Jestain.
Right. Bobby, can you call Jen and all the other people?
(SIGHS) Accent or no accent?
Feel your way through it. Have fun. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Oysters!
Okay, 50 bucks for giving a parakeet CPR.
- Pretty good deal. - I'm rolling in veterinarian dough.
Lopping off dog testicles is easy money, baby.
Tina, it's your turn.
Break a leg. Not a dog's leg.
- Again. That was sad. - Here I go.
Three. Mmm-hmm. "A cat was hit by a car.
"Spin an even number for a blood transfusion
"or lose the patient in your next turn." You've got to be kidding.
- You got this, T. Do it for kitty. - Five. Damn it!
Ooh! Sorry, kitty.
She can be friends with the other ones you lost.
- In pet heaven. - (GROANS)
Tina, it doesn't seem like you're really enjoying this.
- We don't have to keep playing. - What are you talking about?
I love this game. I don't even care at all how bad I'm doing.
(WHISPERS) I heard she went to the worst vet school.
Do you think Bob can pull this off?
Oh, yeah. Bob is great at talking on the phone.
Unless it's to my mother or people.
But maybe he's great at talking to male strippers.
(SIGHS) I'm so nervous.
I'm gonna drink some more of my Scotch on the Beach.
Excuse me, waiter.
Can I take these shells home with me?
Those are yours to keep, ma'am.
Yes. Anyone else keeping your shells? Can I have your shells?
- Want my shrimp tails? - Give them to me.
Should we get around round? You want another round?
- Ms. Baker, look at you. - What? It's not a school night.
Who wants stickers?
- I'll take one. - Everybody getting stickers.
I'm so full of seafood, but I'm saving room for Pickles!
- Yeah, definitely. - Pickles.
I'm putting my sticker on my face.
Hot Cousin Dave, it's Bob Belcher.
Your cousin Jen babysits for us.
I mean, our kids. We're grown-ups. Quick work question for you.
Do you happen to have Throb, Rocket and Steve's phone numbers?
Which Throb? There's more than one?
Hi. Is this, um, Throb?
Oh, sorry. Terry. Your real name isn't Throb. Of course.
Well, Hot Dave gave me your number. You guys don't call him that?
I think he's pretty hot. I'm wondering if you're busy...
Oh, you're at a nursing home? Stripping? Right.
Not stripping. You're with your father. That's nice. Is he mobile?
You're making pizza. That's great, Rocket.
Well, tell your son happy birthday from me.
Hey, Steve. My name is Bob. I got your number from Hot Dave,
who I guess isn't considered hot in your community.
But anyway, this is kind of a Hail Mary. But here it is.
ALL: (SINGING) We're getting in the limo
We're getting in the limo
- Whoa, Ms. Baker loosened up. - A lot of Mai Tais. So many.
Well, are they coming? I'm freaking out.
- I don't know. - What do you mean?
Throb is with his dad.
And it's Rocket's son's birthday. They're having pizza.
But I left a voicemail for Steve. A good voicemail, I think.
I mean, you know, for me.
So we don't know if he's coming?
What do we do? We get Bob to strip?
Bob, what are you comfortable showing us?
I don't think that's a good plan.
I think we take her to the restaurant and hope Steve shows up.
- Oh! We're screwed. - Well, who knows?
Maybe she's full of shrimp and oysters and shots that Gretchen made up
that used vodka and tartar sauce
in a way that seemed to make the bartenders uncomfortable.
And now she's sitting down in the cozy limo,
and she won't be that excited for strippers anymore.
Strippers! Strippers!
OTHERS: Strippers! Strippers!
Well, we are here, ladies, at the restaurant... I mean, uh, Pickles.
- The private Pickles place. - Yep. Private Pickles.
It's better than regular old public Pickles
because here you get the dancers, or maybe a dancer, all to ourselves.
- It's like a premium package. - Yeah. Yeah.
Dob, any word on your limo driver phone about anything?
- Nothing. - Wait. Isn't this your restaurant? Hey.
You haven't been here before.
- You don't know where you are. - Ow!
Looks like a burger place.
That's why it's such a good private club.
Let's go in. Whoo!
"Spin an odd number, or the bunny will have to be euthanized."
I don't know if I can take this.
Tina, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's pretty late.
We should probably go to bed.
No. We started this and we have to finish it.
Kids, what are you still doing up?
I'm just getting sheets for the restaurant.
- Is the restaurant cold? - Um, here's the thing.
Sometimes mommies and daddies are doing a bachelorette party
and the strip club is closed, and the strippers have to come to you.
- We know all that. - Meaning come to the restaurant?
Uh, yes. We hope. We haven't heard back.
Are you sure we shouldn't come down and help out?
Serve waters, choreograph numbers?
Sorry. Kids at a bachelorette party kinda kills the vibe. No offense.
Now go to bed. And stay out of my room.
Okay. Yeah, we'll just go to bed while Pickles is going on downstairs.
That's what I say every night. Talking about my "hmm-hmm."
Okay, I have a proposal as your babysitter.
We stop the game, get the ladder, go into the attic,
drop into the crawl space and watch the strippers through the vent.
Whoa. Okay. I like sneaking into places. Let's do that.
Good game, everybody. Who knows who would've won? Neck and neck.
I feel bad about that cat's neck.
Great. Let's go see some grown-ups acting like maniacs around ding-a-lings.
(MUSIC THUMPING)
Good wine here, huh? Tastes like it was opened this week.
(GROANS) He's not coming. This is a disaster.
(SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Gretchen. Do you want me to strip?
I mean, I would if we could, you know, make it a lot darker in here.
- Like, pretty much completely dark. - No, let's just call it.
But thanks. I'm just gonna tell her. (GROANS)
Jestain, I screwed up everything. No strippers are coming.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Huh? What do you mean?
I forgot to invite all your friends until it was too late.
That's why they're all busy tonight.
And I forgot to get a limo. And Dob is actually Bob.
He's a burger cook and this is his restaurant.
Hi. Hello.
I never called Pickles, so I didn't know that they were closed.
I just messed up everything.
I'm the worst person you could have asked to do this.
- Oh. - Boo.
I'm sorry. I wanted this to be great.
I wanted to do this for you 'cause you look up to me so much.
There's more crying at this strip club than I expected.
Huh, it was a lot of work to get down here,
and I'm not sure how we get out. It's fine. Never mind.
I'm sorry, Jestain.
I'm a terrible big sister.
- Gretchen... - I ruined your party.
- You're not terrible. - You don't get it, Linda.
You're always the perfect older sister.
- Mmm. - I mean, I'm not.
Definitely not.
- Okay, Gayle. - She makes a lot of mistakes.
One time she tried to sleep with my husband.
No, Gayle, that was you.
- My husband and you. Bob. - That's true.
Well, that's not how I remember it.
I'm just saying big sisters are allowed to make mistakes too.
We're not perfect.
Otherwise, how do little sisters know it's okay not to be perfect?
Oh, that's what you've been doing for me.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Gretch, I know tonight didn't go exactly as planned.
Like, none of my friends could come.
Though Ms. Baker is making her way up there.
- That's right. - But you're the coolest person I know.
You're, like, the one I want to be with on my bachelorette party night.
- I freaking love you. - I freaking love you too.
- I still have a hemorrhoid! - What?
It's not better. It hurts. I'm in a lot of pain right now. I lied.
I knew it. That man has been clenched for three days.
I was so scared at the doctor, Lin.
When he was about to put the needle in my butt,
I just wanted you to be there to hold my hand.
But I was too embarrassed to ask you to come to the butt doctor with me.
Oh, my God. Of course I'd hold your hand.
I don't want you to be scared.
- You're my big, strong boy. - Thanks, Lin.
Um, sorry. It seemed like we were all confessing things.
- Are we in the right place? - Steve?
- You came! - Oh, hi, Steve.
It was hard to say no to that voicemail.
That guy sounded so desperate.
Hey. That was me. I get that a lot.
I brought my friend, Smooth.
I'm sorry we can't do the tea party routine,
but Smooth and I can do the double Dutch routine.
- I don't know if you've seen that one. - Ah, tea party...
Sorry. We need a third person for the high tea finale.
- We form kind of a pyramid. - Oh, I know.
The double Dutch is still pretty good.
I mean, it's no tea party, but what is?
I'll be your third.
- Oh, damn. - Seriously?
- Um... - I know every move, and I'm strong.
- I'll be the base. - Right on. I'll be the top.
Can we borrow some cups and saucers?
- Uh... - Sure.
- Smooth? - Let's serve some tea.
- (MUSIC THUMPING) - All right. Here we go.
This makes me want tiny sandwiches.
Wait. Where's he going? No. Are they climbing onto the counter?
We see their feet. I don't want to just see feet.
Watching you right now is my favorite part so far.
You look like a dog that got locked out of a tennis ball store.
GENE: Too soon. She lost a lot of dogs today.
- BOB: Oh, God. - (WOMEN CHEERING)
- Take it all off! - You gotta be freaking kidding me.
BOB: Careful with the cups. Careful with the cups.
(TEA PARTY SONG PLAYING)