- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
I'm whipping you so hard. Turn into cream!
- Get a room, you two. - We did get a room, Gene.
It's called the kitchen.
I'm making whipped cream for your mom
for her Mother's Day waffles,
which you kids are supposed to be helping me with.
Sorry, Dad. We have our hands full. Tina had to make a card,
we had to tell her to make the card.
- Tina, let's see it. - Read it and weep.
Or lightly chuckle because it's pretty funny.
It's a drawing of a mushroom cloud
and all of us flying through the air, and it says,
- "You dropped a mom on us"? - Pretty good, right?
Yeah, but you made this exact same card two years ago.
Damn it, I knew it felt familiar.
We got to think of something else, and quick.
- Think of what? - Uh...
Happy Mother's Day!
- Aw, thanks. - Ugh. Happy Mother's Day, Lin.
- Wow, you're sweaty. - What's in the box?
- Is it a tiny little David Blaine? - Eh, I was thinking about my mother.
And then I started to think about my grandmother,
and I wanted to find a picture of her, and I found this.
A box full of old family stuff.
"Old family stuff." Those are three exciting words.
I wanted to look through it while we have Mother's Day breakfast.
Aw, here she is. My sweet Grandma Claudia.
Oh, I just loved her so much. Ooh, family tree.
Let's see what we have here.
- Any celebrities or criminals? - Portia de Rossi?
Oh, that says "Peter DeRosa."
Still though, pretty cool.
Wait, why is this whole section crossed out?
Oh, that's because of the feud.
Wha-Wha-What? A feud?
Something interesting happened in our family?
I think you're forgetting about Dad's uncle with huge feet.
Oh, yeah, Uncle Frank. Good swimmer.
Well, it's kind of a long story, but I'll tell you.
This thing started way before I was born.
My great-grandma Maria had four kids,
and they didn't have a lot of money.
One of them, Tony, worked down at the docks.
And he was trying to save up to buy his dream house in Staten Island.
I think Billy Joel wrote a song about that.
But Joey, the baby of the family, married a rich girl.
I think her father invented the raincoat.
- Probably not. - Shush!
And then Joey and his new rich wife
bought Tony's dream house before Tony could!
- Damn. - So, is that why someone crossed
all of Joey's family out on the family tree?
No. There's more.
You see, Joey invited the family over
to his new house for dinner.
And my great-grandmother Maria
brought over her famous Bolognese sauce.
Say more about the sauce.
- It was delicious, Gene. - I knew it.
And then it happened.
I didn't say what it was yet.
Sorry, it's just tense.
So, they're eating dinner,
and Joey is just laughing and laughing
about how great his new house is.
But as he reaches for the Parmesan cheese,
Tony goes in with his fork to get more pasta
and accidentally stabs Joey in the hand!
Yes! He forked him!
Joey and his sister Paulina
thought Tony forked him on purpose
because Joey bought Tony's dream house
with Daniela's stupid raincoat money.
- It-it couldn't have been raincoat. - It was.
But Tony swore that it was an accident,
and his sister Claudia, my sweet little grandmother, believed him.
Joey throws Tony out of the house.
Claudia and her husband Burt, my grandfather, go with him.
And here's the kicker: it's pouring rain.
None of them have raincoats. They all get wet.
From that moment on, you were either Team Tony or Team Joey.
- So we're on team... ? - Tony. All the way.
- And Tony's the one who... ? - Accidentally forked that jerk Joey.
You never met any Team Joeys
'cause we stopped talking to them, 'cause they're dumb.
And you want to know the worst part?
Then the Great Depression happened?
No. After my lovely great-grandmother Maria passed,
dumb Joey, his wife Daniela and their idiot kid
went over to her house, went through all her stuff
and stole the only written-down copy
of Grandma Maria's famous Bolognese recipe.
They did what?!
My Grandma Claudia knew how to make it,
and she used to make it for me,
and it was delicious, but she died,
and so now I can only taste the sauce in my memories.
- In your mammaries? - Gene.
So now the only people who know
how to make it are those cold-hearted,
house-stealing Team Joey people.
Who wants waffles with homemade whipped cream?
- I do. - I mean, sort of whipped.
It's really hard to do. My wrist hurts.
- Anyway, here you go. - Oh.
Ew. Did you just pour milk on her waffles?
Damn it. The kids didn't help at all.
Because we're, uh, doing our own thing for Mom.
- We're giving it to her later. - We are?
Yes. And it's really, really great.
- Wait, did I miss a meeting? - Ignore Tina.
Why don't we focus on Dad's wet milk waffles for now.
I'll make you new ones.
- Gene will eat those. - Yay! Floppy waffles.
Floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy.
So, Teddy, what'd you get your mom for Mother's Day?
Well, you know how she's pretty tatted up?
What? No.
Yeah, well, she's got a tattoo that she hates,
so I booked her an appointment at a laser tattoo removal place.
- Okay. - But it's kind of expensive.
- How expensive? - Well, it's $500 a visit,
and it can take a bunch of visits.
Which I wasn't totally aware of
when I was signing her up for the first lasering.
- That's a lot of money. - I know.
- But she really wants it gone. - Why?
- What-What's it a tattoo of? - Uh, I'll show you.
Here, check a look. It's on her upper, upper thigh.
Oh. Gr-Great.
So, it's a tattoo of a bunch of playing cards?
It's a gin rummy thing. She was in a group,
and I guess they all got the same tattoo.
Aw, gin rummy chummies.
Well, not anymore.
My mom plays with, let's say, a lot of flare.
- And by "flare," I mean rage. - Your mom sounds intense.
- She's passionate, Bob. - Wait, I have an idea.
Maybe she doesn't have to remove her tattoo.
Why doesn't she just add to what's already there?
Make it into something else? I bet that's cheaper.
- I mean, probably? - Hey, we should brainstorm.
- Ooh, we can use the chalkboard. - Oh, uh... Heh.
That's where I put the Burger of the Day that I wrote,
carefully, so people know what it is.
And you erased it.
This is just for a minute. I'll remember it.
- It was a something-something burger. - Yup.
So, what are we getting for Mom?
- A different card from Tina? - Oh, okay. Lot of pressure.
- Wait. O-mama bin Lovin'? - That's been done.
No. What we're gonna do is
get that old family sauce recipe and we're gonna cook it for Mom
and give her the greatest Mother's Day dinner of all time.
- You had me at "sauce." - Where are we gonna get the recipe?
I found out where Lorraine lives.
- Who's Lorraine? - Joey's daughter.
Got it. Who's Joey again?
He's Great-Grandma Claudia's brother. Just look at this.
Mom said Joey took the recipe.
Since he's passed on, smart money is that
his only daughter, Lorraine, has it now.
Guess what. She lives in Bottom Hook,
- which is only eight miles away. - Yes. Louise, this is such a good idea.
- I know. - Wait, how are we gonna get there?
- No clue. - You kids help out around here, right?
I-I'm just checking because
sometimes it feels like you don't help out at all.
- We're taking a hiatus. - Dad, just shush.
We think we found where the sauce recipe might be.
It's only eight miles away at Mom's cousin Lorraine's house.
Go get your car keys.
Oh, that's actually a really sweet idea,
but we can't leave your mom alone in the restaurant on Mother's Day.
- Boo. - Don't boo me.
Look, maybe you guys can save this idea for next year.
- Boo. - Stop booing me.
- What if we get another ride? - Do you know someone with a car?
And don't say Ken because he's not real.
He is real and he's a very good driver,
but he's getting his Jeep lowered today.
I think I might know someone who could take us.
Is it someone we know and trust?
It's someone we know.
So I got my license un-suspended,
then they said I needed to take the eye test again,
but I was like, "Nah, this prescription is fine."
Oh!
Sorry. This road is so curvy.
Ugh, I can't believe we're actually going
to that punk Lorraine Parcone's house.
And possibly to a soft serve drive-through on the way? Eh?
Aunt Gayle, you and Mom still get pretty frothy
about the whole forking thing, huh?
It started with the forking.
Then there was the recipe theft, of course,
but the bad blood's been passed down
from generation to generation.
- You know about the wedding incident? - No.
It was my mother and father's wedding...
Your grandparents... And my Grandma Claudia
made them invite everyone to try to make peace.
It was a disaster.
Lorraine Parcone wore white.
I mean, I think it was a full wedding dress.
- Poor Grandma Gloria. - Well, she got Lorraine back.
Literally. She poured punch down her back,
and then she punched her in the back.
I hear it was a beautiful wedding.
Sounds lovely.
Well, you know me, Aunt Gayle. I love a good family feud.
But today, the plan is to put all that aside.
Tomorrow, you can go back to feuding it up. Okay?
Yeah, do it for Mom. It's Mother's Day.
I mean, she's not your mother, but she's a damn good woman.
Ugh, Mother's Day.
You know, it's actually been proven
that owning and taking care of cats
is 4,000 times harder than being a mom to a human.
- Did your cats get you a present? - Not yet.
Maybe they're just waiting for the right moment
and tonight you're gonna find like 50 dead birds in your bed.
Can you imagine?
Okay, you didn't like the wacky broom idea
where the cards were the end of the wacky broom.
- Nope. - You didn't like the giant eyebrow idea
where the cards were a giant eyebrow over an eye.
- Terrifying. - But what about this?
I present to you long hair lady.
- That hair is long. - You like it?
I like it. I just think it's also bad.
Oh, I got one. I just thought of one.
All right, hang on. I'm coming around.
Okay, okay. Grabbing the chalk.
Uh, you could make all the cards look like an accordion.
So it's like an accordion lady.
A lady who plays the accordion?
No, kind of like a lady who is an accordion.
- Oh. - Huh.
Came all the way out here to do that, huh?
Yeah. Oh, the burger's burning.
I mean, not burning. It-It's perfect.
I'm just gonna, uh, run back and see how perfect it is.
Remember, everyone,
no matter how awful this Lorraine lady is,
we got to stick to the plan... kill her with kindness.
- I heard "kill." - No, no, no. Kindness.
Right. But also, what if we just start, like,
a little tiny fire in her house?
- Aunt Gayle, no. - Oh, hi.
Uh, we are looking for a Lorraine Parcone.
Would the Lorraine of the house be home?
She is not. But I am her son.
I'm Nico. Uh, who are all of you?
Oh, I'm Louise.
This is my brother Gene and my sister Tina.
And we're... your cousins!
Well, third cousins. I think.
- So we're totally fine to marry. - And we're not enemies at all.
Oh. Okay, great.
And you must be their mom-slash-also my cousin?
- Happy Mother's Day. - Oh, right.
I-I am their mother. Yes.
That is what I am.
I'm Linda, the homelier one.
Gayle, my sister, is a trial lawyer
and a model for a bikini corporation.
Okay. Well, come on in.
My mom should be back soon. She went out to pick up some groceries.
That's a fun Mother's Day errand.
So, what brings you all here today?
Such a good question.
We were in the area and thought we'd drop by
and meet some cousins and just visit.
- We don't want anything from you! - So, how are we related exactly?
You're not from my great-great-uncle Tony's
side of the family, are you?
Is what my mother would ask if she were here.
But I don't care. I'm just glad to meet some cousins.
Can I call you "cuz"? Everybody okay with "cuz"?
Abso-cuz-lutely. Hey, you don't have a few minutes
to bust out the photo albums or, I don't know,
old family recipes and just sit around and get into it, do you?
Well, the paint's got to dry on my Buckaroo Banzai figurine.
Buckaroo Banzai? Buckaroo Banzai? No?
Uh, I'll tell you about it. Let's go.
You guys, this is gonna be
easier than I thought, but we have to get the recipe
before Lorraine gets home.
Aunt Gayle, why did you say you were our mom?
I don't know. It just came out.
But hold my hand and call me Mom and let me give you advice.
You should part your hair in the middle.
- No, I don't want to do that. - You're grounded.
Okay, here we go.
It's a lady with long hair driving a race car.
Looks like she's in a bathtub.
- Does your mom like race cars? - Everyone likes race cars.
Everyone likes baths. It could just be a bathtub.
Or she could have no tattoo there,
which was my original present!
Hey, speaking of Mother's Day presents,
the kids have been gone for a while. Are you really not gonna tell me
where Gayle took them to get my gift? Come on!
I'm not gonna tell you. It's a surprise.
Is it Vermont?
- What? - Did they drive up to Vermont
to get me a blanket?
I bet Vermont has great blankets.
That... No.
I can tell you that they're not doing that.
Now I know it's not a blanket. Good job, Bob.
Okay, I went with the bathtub thing.
- I gave her a bar of soap. - Why does the bathtub have wheels?
'Cause it was a race car!
And here's my grandpa Joey again.
- This is when he started sitting a lot. - Wow. I love these pictures.
But do you know what I also love?
Letters, laundry lists,
lists of ingredients or something.
Ooh, there's another album. I know where it is.
I think there are a couple of pictures
of Grandpa Joey standing in that one.
We got to find that recipe and get out of here.
I'm gonna move that stool over and check on top of the fridge.
I see some cookbooks.
Tina, help me. Gayle, what are you doing?
I'm gonna scratch Joey's eyes out.
- Nope, nope. - Don't talk to your mother that way.
Ooh, recipe box. Recipe box.
Flipping through.
- Wait. Lasagna. - We're not looking for lasagne.
- Maybe it's looking for us. - He's coming back.
- Give it to me. - No, no, no.
Well, look at that. I can move this stool.
- Oh, hey, cuz. - Look what I got.
Ooh, I think Mom's home.
- Oh, no. - Do I look like I've
- been trying to find a job? - So much.
Nico, who's in my spot? Ugly little car.
Crap, crap, crap. What do we do?
Ah. Who are you people?
Run! I mean, hey, you.
- Wait, who are they? - They're our cousins.
Yeah, Gene, Tina and me, Louise.
And Linda. We were just headed out.
Yup, we're taking our mom to get washed.
- A brunch and wash. - I'm filthy.
Nico, you have been nothing but delightful.
Lorraine, incredible to meet you.
- Are we hugging? I can't tell. - Wait.
Did you say your name was Linda?
Yes. And these are my three beautiful children
that I home-birthed while watching TV
because birth isn't as hard as people are always saying it is.
So you're Gloria's daughter?
I am. And that's really true.
- Nico, do you realize what you've done? - Uh, no.
You've let the foxes into the henhouse.
You've invited the blood of Tonys
- into this house of the blood of Joeys! - Ah!
So, we know there's some history in our family,
but we swear, we come in peace.
The same way Tony came to dinner in peace
all those years ago and forked my grandfather?
The same way your Grandma Gloria came in peace
when she poured punch down my back
at her wedding and then punched me?
Well, we should go move that ugly car.
You're not leaving. Why'd you come here?
- What did you do? - Here's the thing.
We actually came here to say
- we think your side is right. - What?
- What? Ow. - Yeah.
That's why we're really here.
To tell you that our side of the family
is dumb and stabby and bad.
- Really? - Okay.
Really. Right, guys?
It's not easy being a Tony.
Oh, man, yeah. "Be a Tony," they said.
"It'll be easy," they said.
- Well, it's not! - Yeah, it's the worst. Ugh!
Even our, uh, mom agrees. Right, Mommy?
- Yes, I do. - Well, you're right. They're the worst.
But I guess it's not your fault you come from garbage.
Hey, I got a rotisserie chicken for Nico.
Uh, he eats so many chickens.
And I have Sprite. You like Sprite?
You want to stay for some Sprite and some chicken? Huh?
Oh, we should really get going.
- It's Sprite and chicken time, baby! - Gene.
Mom, do we really have to give them my chicken?
Yes, Nico! You're sharing your chicken.
Oh, that's Mom.
She said she's sorry it took so long to respond.
She was at an estate sale
and she got some really good Rollerblades.
Oh! She likes the long hair bathtub lady.
Okay. With the wheels?
Wait. She said she needs to "see it on skin."
Mom, just draw it right on your thigh.
She says she can't.
- She's rollerblading. - Ooh, Teddy.
We draw it on your thigh and send a picture.
My thighs are just a tiny bit hairier than my mom's.
Okay. So we do it on your back and pretend it's a thigh?
- Eh, I-I-I don't know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Take your shirt off. - Okay.
H-He'll-He'll put his shirt back on soon. Enjoy your burger.
Sorry it's not home-cooked.
And it's not that warm and the soda's not cold.
I'll never eat chicken any other way.
I can't believe you gave them the drumsticks.
Hush! Guests get the drumsticks!
Well, that was delicious.
Got to save some room for brunch, though. Right, everybody?
Yes, let's leave. I'll take my fanny pack.
- I'll take my chicken. - Okay, bye.
No, no. Don't go yet. We're having such a nice visit,
and you were gonna say bad stuff about your grandparents. Sit, sit, sit.
- Okay. - Sure.
Can someone please pass the chicken?
So, Grandma Gloria. Yuck, right?
- Oh, yuck. Yeah. - Ugh. The worst.
- Right, Mom? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I didn't have another dress to wear to her wedding,
so I wore my wedding dress, and somehow I'm the bad guy?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Linda, have some chicken.
- I don't want chicken. - I'll have some chicken.
Ah! And that voice. Everyone on that side.
Linda, you are lucky you didn't get it.
- Mm-hmm. - Have some chicken.
- I'd like the chicken. - Ah, those people make me sick.
Linda, seriously, have some chicken.
- You don't like chicken? - Fine, I'll get it myself.
All right, I'll have some chicken!
Ow!
Did you just stab my sweet baby boy Nico?
- It was an accident. - I just wanted some chicken.
- Okay, gosh, look at the time. - Bye-bye.
Oh, I dropped my fork that I didn't stab you on purpose with.
I'll pick it up.
- Oh, no. - Uh-oh. Oh, God.
Wait! Is that my recipe box?
- You stole my recipes? - You can't prove anything.
Well, this has just been delightful.
Of course you Tonys come in our home,
fork my boy and try to steal my recipes.
- They ate my drumsticks. - Okay, yes, we did all of those things.
No matter how much we told someone to be cool.
It was an accident, sort of.
But, listen, we wanted to give our mom
something special for Mother's Day.
- The brunch and wash? - No, the recipe
for her great-grandma Maria's Bolognese sauce.
And that's the whole truth.
- Well, she's also not our mom. - Right. Good point.
I'm Linda's brilliant sister Gayle.
So now that's the whole truth.
Also, I haven't brushed my teeth in four weeks. There, that's it!
Why would you think I would have that recipe?
Because you're no-good Joeys?
We don't have it. The Tonys do.
One of you took it when you were going through
Grandma Maria's stuff in her basement after she passed.
And you won't share it with us!
- Liar! - Ugh, now I'm hearing
Gloria's voice in there.
Lorraine, our family doesn't have the recipe. We swear.
It's why we came all the way to your house today.
And to hang with this guy. Am I right?
We just wanted to do it for our mom... our real mom.
She said that sauce reminds her of her Grandma Claudia,
who she was missing today,
and she said she wished she could taste it again.
Huh. All these years, Tony's side thought
Joey's side had it, and Joey's side thought Tony's side had it.
And after the totally understandable
- wedding dress incident... - I mean...
... no one's talking to each other.
And we all think the other side is having Nana Maria's
incredible Bolognese for dinner every night.
But no one was Bolog-nosey enough
to come after the recipe until us.
The rest of Nana's stuff went off on a truck to Goodwill.
Some stranger's making great sauce right now.
- And Tina's making another card. - Damn it.
I really think it came out great.
Y-You know you can put your shirt back on, right?
Uh, I just want to let the tat breathe a little.
- It's still pretty raw. - It's pen, Teddy.
Yeah, but she pressed really hard.
Oh, here we go.
Mom says, "On second thought, I don't think it works."
- Crap. - I guess it's back to
paying to have her tattoo removed.
I might have to sell my truck, but that's okay.
I can bike my tools and ladders around. Or scooter.
Wait. Teddy, this is crazy.
Your mom loved gin rummy enough
to get a tattoo of it on her upper, upper thigh.
Well, do you want to know what's cheaper than
getting a tattoo removed?
Your mom calling her card buddies
and telling them she's sorry for being such a rummy crumbum
that they kicked her out of the group.
You think she should try to patch things up
- with the Rum Runners? - Yes, Teddy, I do.
Funny, coming from the lady with the family feud
that's three generations long.
- It's Mother's Day. Shush. - Yup. Sorry.
I'm gonna call her.
Ma?! What?!
- Teddy, you're shouting. - Ma?!
- I can't... - Teddy.
Bob, I'm gonna take this outside.
It's too loud in here.
- Ma?! Ma?! - Ooh, there they are.
- Hey, kids. Ma?! - Hi, Gayle.
Does some lucky mom have a sweet Mother's Day present
coming her way?
We wanted to get you something really special,
but we kind of failed.
Turns out we weren't too big to fail.
Wait, what were you kids trying to get me?
Your great-grandmother's Bolognese recipe
that Grandma Claudia used to make for you.
Oh, my God! I'm gonna cry.
That's so sweet.
Oh, snot's coming out. Snot's coming out.
How would you even get that?
Aunt Gayle took us to your cousin Lorraine's house.
- What? - In my car that I know how to drive.
- She wouldn't give you the recipe, huh? - No.
She couldn't give us the recipe because
she doesn't have the recipe. No one does.
Wait, what? Wh-What do you mean?
Great-Uncle Joey never had it.
They thought our side of the family took it.
Wait, so the Joeys aren't recipe stealers?
- It's just gone? - It's sauced in translation.
And you know what? I'm just gonna say it. This feud is dumb.
Somebody bought a house, and then somebody forked somebody,
like, forever ago, and everyone should just get over it.
People get forked every day and move on with their lives.
I forked Nico today.
I mean, what... We're supposed to be the idiot kids.
Why do we have to tell you all this crap?
Yeah, Mom, grow up! Uh, sorry.
Wow. Don't really like that smart-mouth attitude,
but maybe you're right.
Maybe it's time to start putting feuds behind us.
Gin rummy feuds, family feuds...
Yeah, I was kind of the one who pointed that out earlier.
It's Mother's Day!
Well, she wasn't crazy about the apology idea,
but she said maybe she'll hold off
on getting the tattoo removed.
She told me to just take her some place nice
for a baked potato and then call it a Mother's Day.
Ooh, baked potato.
Well, we're sorry we couldn't get you
your family's sauce recipe.
But we made you this card on the way home.
It says "Moth-er's Day," and I drew you as a moth.
That'd be a good tattoo.
Aw. You kids are incredible,
and you acted so grown-up today.
Trying to end a bitter family feud.
And I made you that way, so I'm, like, the best mom in the world.
Now come here, my little babies. I love you so much.
Hey, maybe we should have Lorraine and Nico
over for dinner sometime.
- We owe him some chicken. - Okay, fine.
- But then we can prank them. - Yeah.
I'll hide a fork in my sock.
Fork both of them when they're not looking,
- as a fun joke. - Yeah, yeah.
Never cross these women!
♪ Floppy waffles ♪
♪ Floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy ♪
♪ Mother's Day in the kitchen ♪
♪ Things are getting sloppy ♪
♪ Oh, my, check it out ♪
♪ It's gonna make you scream and shout ♪
♪ Your waffles are pretty floppy ♪
♪ Floppy waffles ♪
♪ Floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy ♪
- ♪ Floppy waffles ♪ - ♪ Floppy waffles... ♪
♪ Floppy waffles falafels ♪
♪ Floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy, floppy ♪
♪ Floppy waffles, floppy waffles ♪
♪ Flippity flop, flop, floppity flop, flop, flop ♪
♪ Waffles. ♪
Huh, fell on the floor. Ah, I'm still eating it.
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --