-[keyboard] -[dog barks]
[Frond through intercom] So remember, Wacky Hat Day is next Friday.
And nobody wear Cat in the Hat 'cause I call it.
Okay, last announcement.
I want to remind everyone about an incredible program
that no one seems to be signing up for.
It's my self-developed approach to peer mediation
called Peer we-diation, the Frondamentals of Peace.
It's "we-diate" because there shouldn't be a "me" in mediate.
And, yes, it's a great name.
So, if you want to get into a heated argument
or a violent physical altercation, go nuts!
-Okay, signing off. -[chair scrapes]
That wasn't a fart. That was my chair.
[school bell rings]
Hey, you know that peer mediation thing Frond was talking about?
-Yeah. -Aren't we peer mediators?
-Oh, yeah. -Oh, right.
'Cause of that innocent little milk exchange
we had a few weeks ago.
Milk cannons are armed.
Ready, aim--
Guys, I don't know if this is a good idea.
-Fire! -[all squeal]
And Mr. Frond was like...
[as Frond] "Do you want an hour of detention,
or do you want to watch a 15-minute video
and become a peer mediator? I'm Mr. Frond."
But, I mean, are we mediators if we all forgot
and no one has signed up to be mediated?
I'm still putting it on my LinkedIn.
Man, look at Isaac and his new shark-tooth necklace.
Now it's his thing. What's my thing?
I mean, besides peer we-diation, which I'm clearly passionate about.
But what's my shark-tooth necklace?
You could wear that Coors Light visor somebody left in the restaurant.
-Be that guy? -[Gene sighs] Maybe.
Hey, it looks like Courtney's staring at dirt.
Should we go stare at dirt?
Nah, I'm gonna let you handle that.
I stared at some dirt earlier, so I'm good.
Hey, Courtney. Looking at some sweet topsoil?
I'm looking at that lizard.
-I think that crow just attacked it. -[crow caws]
He looks kinda stunned, and he's not running away
like lizards usually do, when they're not selling car insurance.
I think it's a five-lined skink.
Are you trying to say "skank"?
Skink. My cousin found one of these and kept it as a pet.
-You want to hold it? -Oh, uh...
Hi, little fella.
Hey, cool lizard, Gene. Look at Lizard Guy over here.
Lizard Guy.
-[electric guitar strums power chord] -♪ Lizard Guy ♪
Uh, I'm not sure if the lizard is gonna be safe here
with that mean old crow.
What if we keep it? Should we? Maybe we keep it.
Oh, I was thinking we'd take it to a veterinarian
or some sort of animal sanctuary.
Nah, what do they know? Also, you can't deny this chemistry.
Gene, taking care of a lizard is a lot of work.
My cousin talks about it all the time.
It's kind of the only thing he talks about.
I'm, like, "When do we get to discuss my day, Dashiel?"
Come on. It can live in my room.
You need a tank to keep it in.
And you need to feed it. Mealworms, I think.
And they have to be alive.
That's nasty. But go on.
And you need a heat source.
I actually have an aquarium and a UV lamp from when we had a turtle.
Its name was John Tra-turtle.
This is starting to sound like
a "It lives and eats worms at your house," situation.
But I come over and do really helpful stuff too?
Like, take it on fun walks and accept compliments.
Okay, fine. But, Gene, you have to help.
I'm a strong woman,
but I don't want to have to juggle school, extracurriculars and a lizard.
Don't worry. You're talking to Lizard Guy over here.
Hi. Hello.
Yes, I have a lizard.
Yes, you love it.
Bob, did you take your cat allergy pills?
Gayle will be here soon.
I did. These ones are supposed to not make me hallucinate,
so that's good.
That depends on what you're into.
Gayle's staying at your place, huh?
The pipes in her apartment burst.
Her landlord needs time to fix them and clean everything up,
so Gayle and her cats are moving into Tina's room.
She also said something about a new business she started.
Said there's gonna be some clients coming over.
Wait, what? Clients?
Yeah, I forgot to tell you.
She said she needs a private room to see clients during the day.
Is that code for sex stuff?
-Oh, God. -What? No!
She said it's some sort of massage or something.
She took a class.
-Massage? -Linda, no.
It's not a sex massage. I don't think.
-You're like madams. -Teddy, stop.
-Ooh, we are. -No, we are not.
We run a nice, upscale joint.
-Teddy, I'm staying with you. -Yay!
-Never mind. -Oh.
Oh, Bob, don't worry.
It could be good for business. People are gonna be pretty hungry
after having sex with Linda's sister in your daughter's room.
[Bob] Mm-hmm.
So should we throw him on my shoulder and get out there?
Hit the beach, turn some heads, make people go, "Damn!"
No. We've got to try and feed him, Gene.
Yeah, otherwise I'm just a man holding a tub of live worms.
Can I hand this off to someone?
-[Gene groans] -I'll take it. Here, lizard. Come on.
Yum, yum.
Why isn't it eating?
Maybe 'cause it has standards?
Should we light some candles and pour it a nice Chablis?
[Doug] Ooh! Now I want a Chablis.
[groans] Eat the worm.
Eat it! Eat. Eat it!
Well, I love this, and I'm not bored at all,
but I'm gonna go.
My mom is making spaghetti, AKA, people worms.
Anyway, Lizard Guy out.
Maybe not a Chablis.
Maybe I want a gin and tonic. Is that crazy?
Yes. Gin makes you buy nostalgic items on eBay.
Do you remember the fax machine?
[chortles] Do I ever.
-[Teddy moaning] -[Gayle grunting]
It's just massaging.
[moaning, grunting continues]
Normal massaging, that's all.
Mom, Dad, are we a brothel?
-No, we are not a brothel. -I'm not judging.
Hey, guys, I'm hearing we're a brothel?
You know what? I don't wanna know what she's doing in there.
Maybe we never find out 'cause life is full of mystery, right?
-Spaghetti time. Move! -[moaning continues]
Sorry we let this happen to your room, Tina.
No problem.
♪ Don't be a dummy ♪
♪ Get that wormy in your tummy ♪
♪ Mommy knows you're hungy ♪
♪ A chewy, yummy, yummy ♪
Whoa, kind of a different energy in here today.
This is the only way he'll eat.
You gotta dim the lights, you gotta be real calm,
and you gotta sing this song to him.
Or a different song that's better? Did you try "Lady in Red"?
Also, he's a he?
Yes, I did some research. He's a boy.
And I think we should name him Linus 'cause he's a five-lined skink.
And also, he's the moral compass of his peer group.
Well, time to scoop the poop out of his cage.
Gene, you ready to glove up?
I'll pick up the poop, you hold the bag.
Oh. Uh, or a better idea?
How about I take Linus out of your hair for a bit
so you can really dive in on those poops?
-[grunts] Okay. -Come here, little guy.
It's time to go see the world and let the world see me holding you.
[♪ jaunty music playing]
-[Gayle babbling] -[client squealing]
[sneezes]
[sneezes, groans]
Pills, please work better. And cats, please go away.
[Gayle imitating multiple animal calls]
Just ignore it and focus on the movie.
Focus on Apollo 13. They're in space. Everything's fine.
-[Gayle imitating chainsaw] -[client gasping]
Okay, that's it. I'm going in. Kids, stay here.
Kids, your mom said... Okay, I'm coming too.
Gayle, what is going on? Oh!
Linda, I'm in the middle of a session.
Sorry. I thought you were, uh...
-What? -Um, nothing.
What are you doing?
My very effective and highly specialized massage technique.
-I call it pinching. -[Linda] Pinching?
Yeah, like this. Ha!
-[yelps, pants] -[Linda] Oh.
It's been proven by me to release tension, stimulate circulation,
and I'm pretty sure it increases your IQ. Maybe.
-[shouts] -[gasps]
-[doorbell rings] -I'll get it.
Oh, hey. What's going on?
What's going on is that we were supposed to take care
of this lizard together, Gene.
But all you do is come by sometimes, take the lizard and walk around,
eat all of my chewable vitamins and then leave.
Not all of them.
I'm tired of it. That's why I'm going on a girls' weekend
with my mom and dad to the Green Pines Hotel and Resort.
They have three indoor water slides.
I'm gonna sit by the pool and drink Arnold Palmers,
though I'm not supposed to have caffeine.
Whoa! You can have one Arny Palmy a day, hon.
Not now, Daddy.
I'll be back on Sunday.
Here's the instructions. Follow them.
That's a lot of pages.
He's a lot of work.
And Gene, buddy, the mealworms go in the fridge, but be careful.
The container looks like takeout.
[chuckling] It's not takeout.
Goodbye.
So, this is gonna be fine.
I'm a capable caretaker.
[all agreeing hesitantly]
-Sure. Yeah. -Totally.
Oh, do cats eat lizards?
Not my cats. They're pacifists.
They only kill birds.
Okay. [groans] Just in case, let's get this into your room, Gene,
and let's keep the door closed.
All right, but the cats are gonna think it's about them.
Boy, this is dense.
Uh, I'm just gonna wing it. I know how food works.
Eat up, buddy. Looks and smells so good!
Doesn't make me want to vomit.
Come on, lizard.
[Louise] Gene, Mom's gonna let Aunt Gayle pinch her!
-[Gayle] Yay! -[Linda] I said I might. I'm scared!
Coming! Here. You'll figure it out. Bye, bye bye.
[Linda] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[♪ suspicious music playing]
You still didn't eat? I'm starting to feel sorry for the worm.
You're gonna give him a complex.
Fine, okay, I'll look at Courtney's many, many instructions. [vocalizes]
Oh, here it is, "Feeding."
Blech! The Wormy Song. Do you really like that song?
Linus, your taste in music is pretty basic,
but it's hard to say no to that smile.
Or whatever your little lizard mouth is doing right now.
[Tina] Oof, Dad. Looking rough, my man.
Yeah, cool face, bro.
[sighs] It's the cats. I can't breathe.
Bob, I can help. Just let me pinch your nose really hard.
No, thanks, Gayle.
Bob, I gotta say, when the swelling went down,
I do think I felt kind of okay?
Well, if that doesn't sell you...
How about I start by pinching your nipples and work up?
No, thank you.
♪ Don't be a dummy ♪
♪ Get that wormy in your tummy ♪
♪ Genie knows you're hungy ♪
♪ Chewy, chewy, yummy ♪
-[chomps] -[gasps] Oh, my God, it worked.
He ate! I fed him! [opens door]
Everyone! Everyone! I got Linus to eat!
Aw, that's great, sweetie.
Whoa! Dad, you look terrible.
Uh, thank you, son. It's... It's the cats.
It could just be your bad attitude.
-And your old age. -Hmm.
Where are the cats?
Wait! Did I close my door? Oh, no! [shrieks]
I didn't put the lid on the tank. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Jean Paw'd Van Damme! Mr. Business!
No! [screams]
Get out of here! Get out of here!
[shrieking] Your tail fell off! And it's wiggling around!
Maybe it'll jump back on. No, that's probably not how it works.
Gene, what's going on? Is your lizard okay?
-The cats scared his tail off! -Oh.
[all retch]
-Still moving. Throw it at Dad. -[Bob] No.
Kids, you're grounded.
Hi. I'm trying to leave a message for a guest,
and you just put me through to the room, but no one picked up.
Oh. You can write down a message?
It's for Courtney Wheeler.
You ready?
Okay. "I messed up.
"I didn't put the lid back on his tank,
"and the cats got in, and his tail fell off.
"You shouldn't have left him with me.
"I'm not a good lizard dad,
and I don't know if I ever will be." The end.
Yeah, you can read it back to me.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I mean, I don't like how you did my voice,
but you got the message right.
I'm gonna figure out how to help you, okay?
[Gene] There you go.
Gonna keep your stump nice and clean.
Nope. Never mind.
That's a no-go on the bath for Louise, people.
It's TV o'clock, Gene. You coming?
No, thanks. We're just gonna take it easy.
Dang, it really smells in here. Bye.
-[doorbell rings] -[Linda] I got it. I'm coming.
Gene, it's Courtney.
[breathing furiously]
Um, did you have fun on your trip?
We were having fun until we had to leave, Gene.
I only got to go on two of the three water slides,
but then we got your message, and we rushed back.
-I went on all the slides. -I know, Daddy.
I was working my way up to the highest one.
-Well, I got there. -[scoffs]
He really is fine. There's just a little less of him.
A little less? It's, like, half less.
I'm taking him back to my house.
Okay, but I think he's happy here, aside from the incident.
I got him to eat. I cleaned his stump.
Gene, you are never taking care of this lizard again.
What? No, please!
This is a peaceful, nurturing environment.
-[Gayle grunting] -[client moaning]
Come on, Daddy, help me get all this lizard stuff.
Are you sure you still want him?
We can get you a full one.
The tail grows back.
Well, sure it does.
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
[Gene sighs] I'm gonna go talk to her.
Okay. We're gonna stand over here and eavesdrop.
So, talk loud, okay?
-Hey, Courtney. -Hello, Gene.
So, um, I called to say good night to Linus last night,
but Doug said you were washing his hair?
Can I just come over after school sometime and see him?
I don't trust you around him, Gene.
What if next time, his arms fall off or his head?
Why would his head fall off?
I don't know. You have that effect on people.
[Frond] Hi. Hi. Hi.
I couldn't help but hear a little dispute going on.
She won't let me see the lizard that we're co-parenting.
[squeals] A lizard custody battle.
That sounds like a perfect case to be handled by peer we-diation.
[both groan]
You want resolution, right? We can do it this afternoon.
I just need to assign our we-diators.
Uh, oh! Tina, Louise.
-Oh, yeah? -Hey?
They'll be great. They're also the only ones
I've been able to trick into doing this. [chuckling]
I mean, the only ones lucky enough to be chosen for this honor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gene's sisters are gonna mediate?
That does not seem fair.
They're just gonna let Gene have the lizard
and keep it at their house forever.
Ha, I don't know about that.
Worms in the fridge, lizard in the tub, not loving it.
And that smell is a big old hell no.
-Wait. What? -Okay, I'll do the peer mediation.
-It's settled. -[Gene groans]
We'll meet in the all-purpose room after school this afternoon.
Oh, and I'm gonna film the whole thing
and show it to the superintendent.
She makes some calls,
and we're on our way to becoming a we-diation nation.
Do you all have time to whiten your teeth before we film? Uh, it's fine.
I am so hungry. [sighs]
I've been waiting for this moment all day.
[sighs] Here's your burger... [sneezes]
[shrieks] No! You did not just sneeze on my burger.
Um, is that a problem?
You have to fix this, Bob. Fix yourself.
It's the cats, Teddy. The frickin' cats. I hate them.
Just figure it out! I can't live like this!
Nor should I be forced to!
Oh! So you think it's fun for me?
Easy, easy.
This is all I have, Bob, and you sneezed all over it!
We'll make you another burger. Oh, you're eating it.
[groans] God, I forgot! [spits, sobs]
[groans] I'm not gonna survive this Gayle visit.
I don't know what to do.
[Linda] Maybe try the pinching.
Hi! I just had another great session.
You can tell 'cause I have so much of his skin under my nails.
-Nope. -Bob, this can't go on.
Let Gayle pinch you.
[sighs] Okay, fine. I'll do it.
-Ha! Great. It's $100 a session. -What?
Okay. Shot looks good.
[clears throat] Let's we-diate.
Today you will determine
who receives custody of Linus Belcher-Wheeler.
Courtney, Gene.
Your peer representatives will help you arrive at an arrangement.
The decisions you make in this room are final and legally binding.
Sort of. And go!
Okay. [flatly] Uh, first, Gene Belcher will state his side of the dispute.
Maybe try it again with a little more energy?
-No. -Okay. I admit.
Courtney did a lot of the work at first. Most of it.
That girl can clean an aquarium tank like nobody's business.
[whimpers] Okay, skip ahead to the interesting part.
Well, she got tired of doing everything,
and she dropped Linus off at my house for the weekend.
So she abandoned the lizard? Got it. Keep going.
Hey, I didn't say that.
Sorry. [blusters] Is this peer mediation
or middle-aged, dorky man mediation?
-It's not my fault you can't keep up. -Uh, anyway.
I was nervous at first,
but then I finally got him to eat a worm and then--
And then his tail fell off!
-Didn't it, Gene? Little tail fail? -[groans]
Is it my turn yet?
Sure. Just keep up the energy.
Now Courtney Wheeler will state her side--
-[trills] Skip it. -Oh.
I did get a bit overwhelmed, but I also don't think Gene's ready
for this kind of responsibility.
So, now I think the best thing for the lizard
is to go live with my cousin.
I told him about it. He's excited. He's a real lizard freak.
Your cousin? He lives, like, four hours away.
I'll never see Linus again!
-It's for the best, Gene. -Can I say something?
Hold on, Gene.
Gene, would you like to say something?
Yes. Sure. At first, I wasn't very helpful.
I wanted to be Lizard Guy and people would see me
and say, "Hey, there's Lizard Guy. He's our town's greatest treasure."
But then I figured out how to feed Linus and take care of him
and it felt really good.
And I want to keep doing that.
Keep making him happy.
Well, crap. That was actually really nice, Gene.
Should we skip ahead to the resolution part
and just give him the lizard?
I kind of wish I had more lines, but okay.
Nope. That's not how it works.
Also, I haven't submitted the message yet.
-The message? -Yes.
A phone message Gene left for Courtney.
Um, Mr. Frond, I'm not sure I want you to show that here.
I'm sorry, Courtney. It's too late, you already gave it to me.
I would like to submit this dictated message
on letterhead from the Green Pines Hotel and Resort.
[clears throat] "You shouldn't have left him with me.
"I'm not a good lizard dad, and I don't know if I ever will be."
[gasps] There's a shocked hush in the mediation room.
Wow, that is really damning evidence.
But Gene's been great with the lizard
ever since its tail, um, became more independent.
[trills] Gene, did you dictate these words?
Yes.
Can you tell us with 100% certainty
that the words you said in this message are no longer true?
That you've totally changed and now you're super-responsible
and capable of taking care of another living creature?
I... I... I don't know!
The disputant crumbles on the stand.
I think we've had a breakthrough here.
You peers have decided that Courtney can bring the lizard to her cousin's home.
-But we didn't-- -Yeah, that's not what we decided.
[trills] Shush! Kids helping kids, Frondamentals of Peace.
[sobbing] No! No.
Gene, can you stop crying?
We'll... We'll edit that out. God, I love we-diating.
[doorbell rings]
-Hi, Courtney. -Hi, Gene.
I just came to say goodbye before you take him to your cousin's.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
I also brought his tail.
I didn't know if he wanted to, like, bring it with him,
use it as a body pillow or--
It's pretty gross, Gene.
Yeah, it's definitely started rotting a little bit.
Come on in. Maybe not the tail, though.
So you are clothed?
Yeah. Uh, that works for me.
Well, we'll see. Okay.
I just need you to close your eyes and not be scared.
-[high-pitched] Mm-hmm. -Forget everything else in the world.
The restaurant, your troubles, your difficult wife.
Hey, I'm right here, Gayle.
-See what I mean? -Can you just do it?
Okay. You might feel some pressure
when I... [shouting] ...pinch!
-Ow! [yelping] -Pinch, pinch, pinch!
-[Gayle vocalizing] -[Bob whimpering]
You're killing him.
-[Gayle chants] -[screeches]
And here comes the big one.
No, please. No, Gayle!
-[strains] -[cries out in pain]
[both yelp]
-And we're done. -Holy crap!
I thought I was gonna have to stab you, Gayle.
So, how do you feel?
[sniffs deeply, exhales]
[pants] Oh, my God, I can breathe.
-I can breathe! -It worked?
-It worked. -And you're a little aroused?
N-No.
[Gene] Hey, his stump is looking good.
In a few days, he'll grow a thin layer of stump skin.
Oh, and I read squash is good for lizards.
I'm not a squash man myself,
but maybe I could mail a butternut to your cousin?
Wow, Gene. Someone's been doing their research.
Yeah, I read, like, a bunch of stuff about lizards.
And lizard people infiltrating America's top corporations.
That was hard to avoid online.
You know what? You should keep him.
-What? -Yeah, you should take him.
Seriously? Oh, my God. Did you hear that, Linus?
Whoa! His head is orange.
Oh, yeah. You think he's sick? Or he got into my dad's bronzer?
No, I know what this is.
-He's going through lizard puberty! -What?
I read that when they're mature and it's time to mate
their heads turn orange.
You're saying our lizard is single and ready to mingle?
Yeah. [sighs] I think I know what we have to do.
Okay, little guy. We're both so proud of you.
But you're not a kid anymore.
You're a big, strong man with a crazy orange head
and it's time for you to get out there and have lizard intercourse.
Don't let the stump thing hurt your confidence.
It's not the size of your tail that matters.
It's the size of your penis.
-I was going to say "heart," but okay. -Oh.
You're sure you're ready to give him up, Gene?
He doesn't belong to us.
He belongs to the world of sex.
Lizard sex.
[♪ sad piano music playing]
That was the right thing to do, Gene.
I'm gonna miss that stumpy little son of a bitch.
Should we go hide some mealworms in my dad's pockets?
We sure should, Courtney.
We sure should.
♪ Oh, you're cold-blooded ♪
♪ But you're warm hearted ♪
♪ Oh, come on, girl ♪
♪ Let's get the evening started ♪
♪ We won't need a heat source ♪
♪ When we're having reptile intercourse ♪
♪ Find a batch of dirt that's soft ♪
♪ And we'll make love till our tails fall off ♪
♪ Let's get our scales to rub ♪
♪ When we're making lizard love ♪