1 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:05,631 -[keyboard] -[dog barks] 2 00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:23,232 [Frond through intercom] So remember, Wacky Hat Day is next Friday. 3 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,275 And nobody wear Cat in the Hat 'cause I call it. 4 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,027 Okay, last announcement. 5 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,322 I want to remind everyone about an incredible program 6 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,366 that no one seems to be signing up for. 7 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:35,953 It's my self-developed approach to peer mediation 8 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:40,374 called Peer we-diation, the Frondamentals of Peace. 9 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:43,877 It's "we-diate" because there shouldn't be a "me" in mediate. 10 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,087 And, yes, it's a great name. 11 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,506 So, if you want to get into a heated argument 12 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,425 or a violent physical altercation, go nuts! 13 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,094 -Okay, signing off. -[chair scrapes] 14 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,762 That wasn't a fart. That was my chair. 15 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,222 [school bell rings] 16 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,225 Hey, you know that peer mediation thing Frond was talking about? 17 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,686 -Yeah. -Aren't we peer mediators? 18 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:01,979 -Oh, yeah. -Oh, right. 19 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,939 'Cause of that innocent little milk exchange 20 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,357 we had a few weeks ago. 21 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,817 Milk cannons are armed. 22 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,985 Ready, aim-- 23 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,570 Guys, I don't know if this is a good idea. 24 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,029 -Fire! -[all squeal] 25 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,406 And Mr. Frond was like... 26 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,199 [as Frond] "Do you want an hour of detention, 27 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,243 or do you want to watch a 15-minute video 28 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,620 and become a peer mediator? I'm Mr. Frond." 29 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,747 But, I mean, are we mediators if we all forgot 30 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,000 and no one has signed up to be mediated? 31 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,543 I'm still putting it on my LinkedIn. 32 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,129 Man, look at Isaac and his new shark-tooth necklace. 33 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,590 Now it's his thing. What's my thing? 34 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:33,051 I mean, besides peer we-diation, which I'm clearly passionate about. 35 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,345 But what's my shark-tooth necklace? 36 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,265 You could wear that Coors Light visor somebody left in the restaurant. 37 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,475 -Be that guy? -[Gene sighs] Maybe. 38 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,020 Hey, it looks like Courtney's staring at dirt. 39 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,438 Should we go stare at dirt? 40 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,023 Nah, I'm gonna let you handle that. 41 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,483 I stared at some dirt earlier, so I'm good. 42 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,986 Hey, Courtney. Looking at some sweet topsoil? 43 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,571 I'm looking at that lizard. 44 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,614 -I think that crow just attacked it. -[crow caws] 45 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,908 He looks kinda stunned, and he's not running away 46 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,870 like lizards usually do, when they're not selling car insurance. 47 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,205 I think it's a five-lined skink. 48 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,915 Are you trying to say "skank"? 49 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:07,002 Skink. My cousin found one of these and kept it as a pet. 50 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,837 -You want to hold it? -Oh, uh... 51 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,047 Hi, little fella. 52 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,425 Hey, cool lizard, Gene. Look at Lizard Guy over here. 53 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,926 Lizard Guy. 54 00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,137 -[electric guitar strums power chord] -♪ Lizard Guy ♪ 55 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,389 Uh, I'm not sure if the lizard is gonna be safe here 56 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,932 with that mean old crow. 57 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,101 What if we keep it? Should we? Maybe we keep it. 58 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,312 Oh, I was thinking we'd take it to a veterinarian 59 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,105 or some sort of animal sanctuary. 60 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:30,442 Nah, what do they know? Also, you can't deny this chemistry. 61 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,028 Gene, taking care of a lizard is a lot of work. 62 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:35,113 My cousin talks about it all the time. 63 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,823 It's kind of the only thing he talks about. 64 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,451 I'm, like, "When do we get to discuss my day, Dashiel?" 65 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,036 Come on. It can live in my room. 66 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,496 You need a tank to keep it in. 67 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,998 And you need to feed it. Mealworms, I think. 68 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,375 And they have to be alive. 69 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,043 That's nasty. But go on. 70 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,711 And you need a heat source. 71 00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,881 I actually have an aquarium and a UV lamp from when we had a turtle. 72 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,675 Its name was John Tra-turtle. 73 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:55,842 This is starting to sound like 74 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,345 a "It lives and eats worms at your house," situation. 75 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:00,681 But I come over and do really helpful stuff too? 76 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:03,517 Like, take it on fun walks and accept compliments. 77 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,228 Okay, fine. But, Gene, you have to help. 78 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:07,562 I'm a strong woman, 79 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:11,233 but I don't want to have to juggle school, extracurriculars and a lizard. 80 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,777 Don't worry. You're talking to Lizard Guy over here. 81 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,903 Hi. Hello. 82 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,071 Yes, I have a lizard. 83 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,239 Yes, you love it. 84 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,866 Bob, did you take your cat allergy pills? 85 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,034 Gayle will be here soon. 86 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,954 I did. These ones are supposed to not make me hallucinate, 87 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,038 so that's good. 88 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:26,540 That depends on what you're into. 89 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,166 Gayle's staying at your place, huh? 90 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,918 The pipes in her apartment burst. 91 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,504 Her landlord needs time to fix them and clean everything up, 92 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,756 so Gayle and her cats are moving into Tina's room. 93 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,634 She also said something about a new business she started. 94 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,553 Said there's gonna be some clients coming over. 95 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,887 Wait, what? Clients? 96 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,472 Yeah, I forgot to tell you. 97 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,434 She said she needs a private room to see clients during the day. 98 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:46,768 Is that code for sex stuff? 99 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,854 -Oh, God. -What? No! 100 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,148 She said it's some sort of massage or something. 101 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,357 She took a class. 102 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:53,817 -Massage? -Linda, no. 103 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,194 It's not a sex massage. I don't think. 104 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,155 -You're like madams. -Teddy, stop. 105 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,031 -Ooh, we are. -No, we are not. 106 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,741 We run a nice, upscale joint. 107 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,452 -Teddy, I'm staying with you. -Yay! 108 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:04,536 -Never mind. -Oh. 109 00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:05,996 Oh, Bob, don't worry. 110 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,540 It could be good for business. People are gonna be pretty hungry 111 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,084 after having sex with Linda's sister in your daughter's room. 112 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,169 [Bob] Mm-hmm. 113 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,839 So should we throw him on my shoulder and get out there? 114 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,843 Hit the beach, turn some heads, make people go, "Damn!" 115 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,262 No. We've got to try and feed him, Gene. 116 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,849 Yeah, otherwise I'm just a man holding a tub of live worms. 117 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,601 Can I hand this off to someone? 118 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:30,729 -[Gene groans] -I'll take it. Here, lizard. Come on. 119 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,189 Yum, yum. 120 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:33,774 Why isn't it eating? 121 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,150 Maybe 'cause it has standards? 122 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:38,153 Should we light some candles and pour it a nice Chablis? 123 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:39,863 [Doug] Ooh! Now I want a Chablis. 124 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,782 [groans] Eat the worm. 125 00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:46,077 Eat it! Eat. Eat it! 126 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:48,455 Well, I love this, and I'm not bored at all, 127 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,623 but I'm gonna go. 128 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,667 My mom is making spaghetti, AKA, people worms. 129 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,377 Anyway, Lizard Guy out. 130 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,629 Maybe not a Chablis. 131 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,006 Maybe I want a gin and tonic. Is that crazy? 132 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,384 Yes. Gin makes you buy nostalgic items on eBay. 133 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,886 Do you remember the fax machine? 134 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,387 [chortles] Do I ever. 135 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,139 -[Teddy moaning] -[Gayle grunting] 136 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,768 It's just massaging. 137 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,353 [moaning, grunting continues] 138 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:14,022 Normal massaging, that's all. 139 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,650 Mom, Dad, are we a brothel? 140 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,236 -No, we are not a brothel. -I'm not judging. 141 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,238 Hey, guys, I'm hearing we're a brothel? 142 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,448 You know what? I don't wanna know what she's doing in there. 143 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:26,243 Maybe we never find out 'cause life is full of mystery, right? 144 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,078 -Spaghetti time. Move! -[moaning continues] 145 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,996 Sorry we let this happen to your room, Tina. 146 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,081 No problem. 147 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,500 ♪ Don't be a dummy ♪ 148 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,794 ♪ Get that wormy in your tummy ♪ 149 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,838 ♪ Mommy knows you're hungy ♪ 150 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,714 ♪ A chewy, yummy, yummy ♪ 151 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,259 Whoa, kind of a different energy in here today. 152 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,760 This is the only way he'll eat. 153 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,054 You gotta dim the lights, you gotta be real calm, 154 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,014 and you gotta sing this song to him. 155 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:51,560 Or a different song that's better? Did you try "Lady in Red"? 156 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:52,727 Also, he's a he? 157 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,813 Yes, I did some research. He's a boy. 158 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,816 And I think we should name him Linus 'cause he's a five-lined skink. 159 00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,026 And also, he's the moral compass of his peer group. 160 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,195 Well, time to scoop the poop out of his cage. 161 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,697 Gene, you ready to glove up? 162 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,490 I'll pick up the poop, you hold the bag. 163 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,909 Oh. Uh, or a better idea? 164 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,911 How about I take Linus out of your hair for a bit 165 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:12,539 so you can really dive in on those poops? 166 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,875 -[grunts] Okay. -Come here, little guy. 167 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:19,212 It's time to go see the world and let the world see me holding you. 168 00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:21,840 [♪ jaunty music playing] 169 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,636 -[Gayle babbling] -[client squealing] 170 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:29,848 [sneezes] 171 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,770 [sneezes, groans] 172 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,231 Pills, please work better. And cats, please go away. 173 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,233 [Gayle imitating multiple animal calls] 174 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,527 Just ignore it and focus on the movie. 175 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:46,406 Focus on Apollo 13. They're in space. Everything's fine. 176 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,742 -[Gayle imitating chainsaw] -[client gasping] 177 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,870 Okay, that's it. I'm going in. Kids, stay here. 178 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,623 Kids, your mom said... Okay, I'm coming too. 179 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,750 Gayle, what is going on? Oh! 180 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,252 Linda, I'm in the middle of a session. 181 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,837 Sorry. I thought you were, uh... 182 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,339 -What? -Um, nothing. 183 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,506 What are you doing? 184 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,218 My very effective and highly specialized massage technique. 185 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,137 -I call it pinching. -[Linda] Pinching? 186 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,347 Yeah, like this. Ha! 187 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,806 -[yelps, pants] -[Linda] Oh. 188 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:16,353 It's been proven by me to release tension, stimulate circulation, 189 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,230 and I'm pretty sure it increases your IQ. Maybe. 190 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,565 -[shouts] -[gasps] 191 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:21,816 -[doorbell rings] -I'll get it. 192 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,444 Oh, hey. What's going on? 193 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,821 What's going on is that we were supposed to take care 194 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,865 of this lizard together, Gene. 195 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,661 But all you do is come by sometimes, take the lizard and walk around, 196 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,829 eat all of my chewable vitamins and then leave. 197 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,997 Not all of them. 198 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:38,875 I'm tired of it. That's why I'm going on a girls' weekend 199 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,087 with my mom and dad to the Green Pines Hotel and Resort. 200 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:43,922 They have three indoor water slides. 201 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,257 I'm gonna sit by the pool and drink Arnold Palmers, 202 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:47,842 though I'm not supposed to have caffeine. 203 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:51,179 Whoa! You can have one Arny Palmy a day, hon. 204 00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,014 Not now, Daddy. 205 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,391 I'll be back on Sunday. 206 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,559 Here's the instructions. Follow them. 207 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,812 That's a lot of pages. 208 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,021 He's a lot of work. 209 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:04,401 And Gene, buddy, the mealworms go in the fridge, but be careful. 210 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,361 The container looks like takeout. 211 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,071 [chuckling] It's not takeout. 212 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,155 Goodbye. 213 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,869 So, this is gonna be fine. 214 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,579 I'm a capable caretaker. 215 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:17,747 [all agreeing hesitantly] 216 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,666 -Sure. Yeah. -Totally. 217 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,668 Oh, do cats eat lizards? 218 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,753 Not my cats. They're pacifists. 219 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,130 They only kill birds. 220 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:28,508 Okay. [groans] Just in case, let's get this into your room, Gene, 221 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,926 and let's keep the door closed. 222 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,804 All right, but the cats are gonna think it's about them. 223 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,639 Boy, this is dense. 224 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,392 Uh, I'm just gonna wing it. I know how food works. 225 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:40,311 Eat up, buddy. Looks and smells so good! 226 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,646 Doesn't make me want to vomit. 227 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,898 Come on, lizard. 228 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,317 [Louise] Gene, Mom's gonna let Aunt Gayle pinch her! 229 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,903 -[Gayle] Yay! -[Linda] I said I might. I'm scared! 230 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,573 Coming! Here. You'll figure it out. Bye, bye bye. 231 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,575 [Linda] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! 232 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,160 [♪ suspicious music playing] 233 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:59,372 You still didn't eat? I'm starting to feel sorry for the worm. 234 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,291 You're gonna give him a complex. 235 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:05,712 Fine, okay, I'll look at Courtney's many, many instructions. [vocalizes] 236 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,005 Oh, here it is, "Feeding." 237 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:10,425 Blech! The Wormy Song. Do you really like that song? 238 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,344 Linus, your taste in music is pretty basic, 239 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,555 but it's hard to say no to that smile. 240 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,892 Or whatever your little lizard mouth is doing right now. 241 00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,644 [Tina] Oof, Dad. Looking rough, my man. 242 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:22,896 Yeah, cool face, bro. 243 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,315 [sighs] It's the cats. I can't breathe. 244 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,860 Bob, I can help. Just let me pinch your nose really hard. 245 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,153 No, thanks, Gayle. 246 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,614 Bob, I gotta say, when the swelling went down, 247 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,033 I do think I felt kind of okay? 248 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,451 Well, if that doesn't sell you... 249 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,912 How about I start by pinching your nipples and work up? 250 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:39,996 No, thank you. 251 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,165 ♪ Don't be a dummy ♪ 252 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,043 ♪ Get that wormy in your tummy ♪ 253 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,295 ♪ Genie knows you're hungy ♪ 254 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:49,589 ♪ Chewy, chewy, yummy ♪ 255 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,591 -[chomps] -[gasps] Oh, my God, it worked. 256 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,468 He ate! I fed him! [opens door] 257 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,012 Everyone! Everyone! I got Linus to eat! 258 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,931 Aw, that's great, sweetie. 259 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,516 Whoa! Dad, you look terrible. 260 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,935 Uh, thank you, son. It's... It's the cats. 261 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,770 It could just be your bad attitude. 262 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,105 -And your old age. -Hmm. 263 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,606 Where are the cats? 264 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,650 Wait! Did I close my door? Oh, no! [shrieks] 265 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,944 I didn't put the lid on the tank. No, no, no, no, no, no! 266 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,946 Jean Paw'd Van Damme! Mr. Business! 267 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,823 No! [screams] 268 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,533 Get out of here! Get out of here! 269 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:20,203 [shrieking] Your tail fell off! And it's wiggling around! 270 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,789 Maybe it'll jump back on. No, that's probably not how it works. 271 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,458 Gene, what's going on? Is your lizard okay? 272 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:28,044 -The cats scared his tail off! -Oh. 273 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,462 [all retch] 274 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,965 -Still moving. Throw it at Dad. -[Bob] No. 275 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,633 Kids, you're grounded. 276 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,136 Hi. I'm trying to leave a message for a guest, 277 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,972 and you just put me through to the room, but no one picked up. 278 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,015 Oh. You can write down a message? 279 00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,350 It's for Courtney Wheeler. 280 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,476 You ready? 281 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,061 Okay. "I messed up. 282 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,729 "I didn't put the lid back on his tank, 283 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,982 "and the cats got in, and his tail fell off. 284 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,441 "You shouldn't have left him with me. 285 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,985 "I'm not a good lizard dad, 286 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,237 and I don't know if I ever will be." The end. 287 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,239 Yeah, you can read it back to me. 288 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,908 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 289 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:00,994 I mean, I don't like how you did my voice, 290 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,579 but you got the message right. 291 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,623 I'm gonna figure out how to help you, okay? 292 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:20,972 [Gene] There you go. 293 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,474 Gonna keep your stump nice and clean. 294 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:24,767 Nope. Never mind. 295 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,437 That's a no-go on the bath for Louise, people. 296 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,564 It's TV o'clock, Gene. You coming? 297 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,941 No, thanks. We're just gonna take it easy. 298 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,902 Dang, it really smells in here. Bye. 299 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,654 -[doorbell rings] -[Linda] I got it. I'm coming. 300 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,907 Gene, it's Courtney. 301 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:40,366 [breathing furiously] 302 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,785 Um, did you have fun on your trip? 303 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,663 We were having fun until we had to leave, Gene. 304 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,957 I only got to go on two of the three water slides, 305 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,084 but then we got your message, and we rushed back. 306 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,337 -I went on all the slides. -I know, Daddy. 307 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,631 I was working my way up to the highest one. 308 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,132 -Well, I got there. -[scoffs] 309 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,177 He really is fine. There's just a little less of him. 310 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,471 A little less? It's, like, half less. 311 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,889 I'm taking him back to my house. 312 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:06,184 Okay, but I think he's happy here, aside from the incident. 313 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,770 I got him to eat. I cleaned his stump. 314 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:12,732 Gene, you are never taking care of this lizard again. 315 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,359 What? No, please! 316 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,320 This is a peaceful, nurturing environment. 317 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,864 -[Gayle grunting] -[client moaning] 318 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:22,158 Come on, Daddy, help me get all this lizard stuff. 319 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,701 Are you sure you still want him? 320 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,203 We can get you a full one. 321 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,371 The tail grows back. 322 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,580 Well, sure it does. 323 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,707 Whatever you need to tell yourself. 324 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,587 [Gene sighs] I'm gonna go talk to her. 325 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,923 Okay. We're gonna stand over here and eavesdrop. 326 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,091 So, talk loud, okay? 327 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,260 -Hey, Courtney. -Hello, Gene. 328 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:43,888 So, um, I called to say good night to Linus last night, 329 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,307 but Doug said you were washing his hair? 330 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,768 Can I just come over after school sometime and see him? 331 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,354 I don't trust you around him, Gene. 332 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,983 What if next time, his arms fall off or his head? 333 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,567 Why would his head fall off? 334 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:58,486 I don't know. You have that effect on people. 335 00:12:58,569 --> 00:12:59,612 [Frond] Hi. Hi. Hi. 336 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:02,657 I couldn't help but hear a little dispute going on. 337 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,243 She won't let me see the lizard that we're co-parenting. 338 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,537 [squeals] A lizard custody battle. 339 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,833 That sounds like a perfect case to be handled by peer we-diation. 340 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,167 [both groan] 341 00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,712 You want resolution, right? We can do it this afternoon. 342 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,922 I just need to assign our we-diators. 343 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,757 Uh, oh! Tina, Louise. 344 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:20,842 -Oh, yeah? -Hey? 345 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,760 They'll be great. They're also the only ones 346 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:25,138 I've been able to trick into doing this. [chuckling] 347 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,308 I mean, the only ones lucky enough to be chosen for this honor. 348 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,893 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gene's sisters are gonna mediate? 349 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,228 That does not seem fair. 350 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,813 They're just gonna let Gene have the lizard 351 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,606 and keep it at their house forever. 352 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,233 Ha, I don't know about that. 353 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,486 Worms in the fridge, lizard in the tub, not loving it. 354 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,488 And that smell is a big old hell no. 355 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,741 -Wait. What? -Okay, I'll do the peer mediation. 356 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,034 -It's settled. -[Gene groans] 357 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,911 We'll meet in the all-purpose room after school this afternoon. 358 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,371 Oh, and I'm gonna film the whole thing 359 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:51,914 and show it to the superintendent. 360 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,207 She makes some calls, 361 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,878 and we're on our way to becoming a we-diation nation. 362 00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:00,590 Do you all have time to whiten your teeth before we film? Uh, it's fine. 363 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,717 I am so hungry. [sighs] 364 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,594 I've been waiting for this moment all day. 365 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,137 [sighs] Here's your burger... [sneezes] 366 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,682 [shrieks] No! You did not just sneeze on my burger. 367 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,100 Um, is that a problem? 368 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,102 You have to fix this, Bob. Fix yourself. 369 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,772 It's the cats, Teddy. The frickin' cats. I hate them. 370 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,940 Just figure it out! I can't live like this! 371 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,358 Nor should I be forced to! 372 00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,027 Oh! So you think it's fun for me? 373 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,071 Easy, easy. 374 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,782 This is all I have, Bob, and you sneezed all over it! 375 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,784 We'll make you another burger. Oh, you're eating it. 376 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,953 [groans] God, I forgot! [spits, sobs] 377 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,206 [groans] I'm not gonna survive this Gayle visit. 378 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,290 I don't know what to do. 379 00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,918 [Linda] Maybe try the pinching. 380 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,004 Hi! I just had another great session. 381 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,132 You can tell 'cause I have so much of his skin under my nails. 382 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,176 -Nope. -Bob, this can't go on. 383 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,427 Let Gayle pinch you. 384 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,221 [sighs] Okay, fine. I'll do it. 385 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:51,474 -Ha! Great. It's $100 a session. -What? 386 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,352 Okay. Shot looks good. 387 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,604 [clears throat] Let's we-diate. 388 00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:57,939 Today you will determine 389 00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,858 who receives custody of Linus Belcher-Wheeler. 390 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,110 Courtney, Gene. 391 00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:05,947 Your peer representatives will help you arrive at an arrangement. 392 00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:09,992 The decisions you make in this room are final and legally binding. 393 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,537 Sort of. And go! 394 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:17,792 Okay. [flatly] Uh, first, Gene Belcher will state his side of the dispute. 395 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,502 Maybe try it again with a little more energy? 396 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,295 -No. -Okay. I admit. 397 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,881 Courtney did a lot of the work at first. Most of it. 398 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,717 That girl can clean an aquarium tank like nobody's business. 399 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,220 [whimpers] Okay, skip ahead to the interesting part. 400 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,305 Well, she got tired of doing everything, 401 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,724 and she dropped Linus off at my house for the weekend. 402 00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,644 So she abandoned the lizard? Got it. Keep going. 403 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,979 Hey, I didn't say that. 404 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,273 Sorry. [blusters] Is this peer mediation 405 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,483 or middle-aged, dorky man mediation? 406 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,944 -It's not my fault you can't keep up. -Uh, anyway. 407 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,237 I was nervous at first, 408 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,614 but then I finally got him to eat a worm and then-- 409 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,616 And then his tail fell off! 410 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,411 -Didn't it, Gene? Little tail fail? -[groans] 411 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,495 Is it my turn yet? 412 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,122 Sure. Just keep up the energy. 413 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,915 Now Courtney Wheeler will state her side-- 414 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,333 -[trills] Skip it. -Oh. 415 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,045 I did get a bit overwhelmed, but I also don't think Gene's ready 416 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,714 for this kind of responsibility. 417 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,884 So, now I think the best thing for the lizard 418 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,052 is to go live with my cousin. 419 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,889 I told him about it. He's excited. He's a real lizard freak. 420 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,183 Your cousin? He lives, like, four hours away. 421 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,809 I'll never see Linus again! 422 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:19,145 -It's for the best, Gene. -Can I say something? 423 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,271 Hold on, Gene. 424 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,106 Gene, would you like to say something? 425 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:25,026 Yes. Sure. At first, I wasn't very helpful. 426 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,612 I wanted to be Lizard Guy and people would see me 427 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:31,490 and say, "Hey, there's Lizard Guy. He's our town's greatest treasure." 428 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:35,161 But then I figured out how to feed Linus and take care of him 429 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,246 and it felt really good. 430 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,873 And I want to keep doing that. 431 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,625 Keep making him happy. 432 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,586 Well, crap. That was actually really nice, Gene. 433 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,339 Should we skip ahead to the resolution part 434 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,757 and just give him the lizard? 435 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,926 I kind of wish I had more lines, but okay. 436 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,552 Nope. That's not how it works. 437 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,305 Also, I haven't submitted the message yet. 438 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:55,890 -The message? -Yes. 439 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,100 A phone message Gene left for Courtney. 440 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:01,187 Um, Mr. Frond, I'm not sure I want you to show that here. 441 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,773 I'm sorry, Courtney. It's too late, you already gave it to me. 442 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,192 I would like to submit this dictated message 443 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,904 on letterhead from the Green Pines Hotel and Resort. 444 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,698 [clears throat] "You shouldn't have left him with me. 445 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:18,663 "I'm not a good lizard dad, and I don't know if I ever will be." 446 00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:23,376 [gasps] There's a shocked hush in the mediation room. 447 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,337 Wow, that is really damning evidence. 448 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,797 But Gene's been great with the lizard 449 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,425 ever since its tail, um, became more independent. 450 00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:35,054 [trills] Gene, did you dictate these words? 451 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,138 Yes. 452 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,182 Can you tell us with 100% certainty 453 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,768 that the words you said in this message are no longer true? 454 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,563 That you've totally changed and now you're super-responsible 455 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,856 and capable of taking care of another living creature? 456 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,192 I... I... I don't know! 457 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,070 The disputant crumbles on the stand. 458 00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,406 I think we've had a breakthrough here. 459 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:58,452 You peers have decided that Courtney can bring the lizard to her cousin's home. 460 00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,955 -But we didn't-- -Yeah, that's not what we decided. 461 00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:05,501 [trills] Shush! Kids helping kids, Frondamentals of Peace. 462 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,587 [sobbing] No! No. 463 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,088 Gene, can you stop crying? 464 00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:12,341 We'll... We'll edit that out. God, I love we-diating. 465 00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:16,596 [doorbell rings] 466 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,347 -Hi, Courtney. -Hi, Gene. 467 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:21,601 I just came to say goodbye before you take him to your cousin's. 468 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,269 Oh, okay. Yeah. 469 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:24,854 I also brought his tail. 470 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,189 I didn't know if he wanted to, like, bring it with him, 471 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,150 use it as a body pillow or-- 472 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,610 It's pretty gross, Gene. 473 00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:33,195 Yeah, it's definitely started rotting a little bit. 474 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,114 Come on in. Maybe not the tail, though. 475 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,742 So you are clothed? 476 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,910 Yeah. Uh, that works for me. 477 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,579 Well, we'll see. Okay. 478 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:45,041 I just need you to close your eyes and not be scared. 479 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,252 -[high-pitched] Mm-hmm. -Forget everything else in the world. 480 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:52,006 The restaurant, your troubles, your difficult wife. 481 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,591 Hey, I'm right here, Gayle. 482 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,551 -See what I mean? -Can you just do it? 483 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,054 Okay. You might feel some pressure 484 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,639 when I... [shouting] ...pinch! 485 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,058 -Ow! [yelping] -Pinch, pinch, pinch! 486 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,644 -[Gayle vocalizing] -[Bob whimpering] 487 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:05,770 You're killing him. 488 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,688 -[Gayle chants] -[screeches] 489 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,190 And here comes the big one. 490 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:10,691 No, please. No, Gayle! 491 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:13,944 -[strains] -[cries out in pain] 492 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,029 [both yelp] 493 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,989 -And we're done. -Holy crap! 494 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,075 I thought I was gonna have to stab you, Gayle. 495 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,118 So, how do you feel? 496 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,703 [sniffs deeply, exhales] 497 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:26,040 [pants] Oh, my God, I can breathe. 498 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,667 -I can breathe! -It worked? 499 00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,835 -It worked. -And you're a little aroused? 500 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:30,920 N-No. 501 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,047 [Gene] Hey, his stump is looking good. 502 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,092 In a few days, he'll grow a thin layer of stump skin. 503 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,260 Oh, and I read squash is good for lizards. 504 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,804 I'm not a squash man myself, 505 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,181 but maybe I could mail a butternut to your cousin? 506 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,392 Wow, Gene. Someone's been doing their research. 507 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,769 Yeah, I read, like, a bunch of stuff about lizards. 508 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,730 And lizard people infiltrating America's top corporations. 509 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,190 That was hard to avoid online. 510 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,192 You know what? You should keep him. 511 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,069 -What? -Yeah, you should take him. 512 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,114 Seriously? Oh, my God. Did you hear that, Linus? 513 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,907 Whoa! His head is orange. 514 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:04,078 Oh, yeah. You think he's sick? Or he got into my dad's bronzer? 515 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,663 No, I know what this is. 516 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,207 -He's going through lizard puberty! -What? 517 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,459 I read that when they're mature and it's time to mate 518 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,711 their heads turn orange. 519 00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,505 You're saying our lizard is single and ready to mingle? 520 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:17,425 Yeah. [sighs] I think I know what we have to do. 521 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:21,053 Okay, little guy. We're both so proud of you. 522 00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,596 But you're not a kid anymore. 523 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,766 You're a big, strong man with a crazy orange head 524 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:29,311 and it's time for you to get out there and have lizard intercourse. 525 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,355 Don't let the stump thing hurt your confidence. 526 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,399 It's not the size of your tail that matters. 527 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,025 It's the size of your penis. 528 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,611 -I was going to say "heart," but okay. -Oh. 529 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,864 You're sure you're ready to give him up, Gene? 530 00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,240 He doesn't belong to us. 531 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,284 He belongs to the world of sex. 532 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,744 Lizard sex. 533 00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:49,165 [♪ sad piano music playing] 534 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,625 That was the right thing to do, Gene. 535 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:54,253 I'm gonna miss that stumpy little son of a bitch. 536 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,506 Should we go hide some mealworms in my dad's pockets? 537 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,258 We sure should, Courtney. 538 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,801 We sure should. 539 00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:03,179 ♪ Oh, you're cold-blooded ♪ 540 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,764 ♪ But you're warm hearted ♪ 541 00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:06,348 ♪ Oh, come on, girl ♪ 542 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,642 ♪ Let's get the evening started ♪ 543 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,771 ♪ We won't need a heat source ♪ 544 00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:15,858 ♪ When we're having reptile intercourse ♪ 545 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:20,279 ♪ Find a batch of dirt that's soft ♪ 546 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:24,658 ♪ And we'll make love till our tails fall off ♪ 547 00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:28,579 ♪ Let's get our scales to rub ♪ 548 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:32,750 ♪ When we're making lizard love ♪