♪
(grunting)
-And that's when I switched to boxer briefs. -Mm-hmm.
And I never looked back. Best of both worlds.
Okay, I'm heading out.
Hey, Linda, you're just in time to hear
why I changed my underpants.
I-I mean the kind of underpants I wear.
I'm gonna have to take a rain check, Teddy.
I'm going on a power walk.
Ooh, power walk. Sounds fun.
What is that? Do you stomp really hard?
Yeah, it's a part of this thing I'm doing with Ginger.
Gettin' Fitty in your Forties.
It's all about exercising and eating better
-and being in your forties. -Can I do it, too?
-I could probably be healthier. -No.
Sure you can. Get ready for salads
and veggies and smoothies.
Smoothies with cayenne pepper and flax seed.
Wow. What's flax seed?
I don't know, but I feel great.
Maybe it comes from a flax machine.
-Ha! I'm getting fittier and funnier. -Yeah, you are.
Anyway, Ginger already took her walk,
so now I got to take mine or I'll get a frowny face
on my profile.
And Ginger and I have this bet.
Whoever gets the most frowny faces
has to wear their bra over their shirt
for a whole day.
That might be bad for business.
Or possibly good.
Yeah, it depends on the bra. Ooh, I better get going.
We got the kids' parent-teacher- student conferences
in an hour and a half.
Yeah, where they make us all sit together
and discuss the kids right in front of them.
I try to not make eye contact with... our children.
Well, they don't usually grade the parents,
but I bet the teachers will probably give me an "A"
for A-mazing lifestyle changes and great parenting.
-Speaking of, where are the kids? They're late. -You're right.
Maybe it's for a good reason?
I mean, it never is.
Maybe there's a cool new dance all the kids are doing,
and they're having a dance-off in the alley?
Why is it in an alley?
That's where people step to you, Bob.
Maybe they got on the wrong bus from school
and ended up in a different town.
-That happened to me a lot. -(entry bell jingles)
LINDA: There you are. Where were you?
Where were you?! No? Does that not work?
-We all got detention. -What?!
-Yeah. -Uh-huh. -How?
I swapped out Ms. Labonz's morning announcements
with the lyrics for "Baby Got Back,"
which she only read the first line of,
but it was hilarious.
I put a hot dog in the pencil sharpener
to make Hot Dog Swirl Snacks-- patent pending.
And Tammy said horses are just boring zebras.
And one of us got her hair pulled,
and the other one got detention.
So, what's new around here?
I can't believe you guys.
What? Oh, the detentions.
Yeah, kids, that's not good.
But, Gene, the hot dog thing? I kind of get it.
I've had the same thought before.
-(angry groan) -But y-you shouldn't do it.
And you do this on parent- teacher-student conference day
of all days?!
I guess it's not a great look. Sorry, Mom.
But, hey, if it helps, you don't even have to worry
about punishing us because detention was... woof.
It was rough. They didn't let us get water,
more than several times.
And there were no pastries at all.
Not even a bear claw.
I did kind of enjoy being alone with my thoughts.
-(Louise clears throat) -But, yeah, it was hard. Real, real hard.
Oh, you're all getting punished, Miss Missies
and Mister Misters.
But we're sorry, Mama.
-No! It's not gonna work this time, Gene. -(gasps)
It's called rules, okay? Rules exist for a reason.
It's how society is a thing. You got to follow the rules.
Right? Bob, right? This is where you come in.
Um, yeah, that's right.
Sorry, you just seemed like you were on a roll.
I mean, we should all be trying to be better people
around here, you know.
I'm doing my part. I'm eating flax.
-Maybe you should just relax and have some more flax. -No!
No, Gene. Leave my flax out of this.
Now I'm going on my power walk, and I'm gonna think of
a punishment that fits how annoyed I am.
Spoiler alert, it's gonna be a big one.
In the meantime, get to work here and do your homework.
-(entry bell jingles) -Wait, which one do you want us to do?
Both. Multitask!
Wow, I would not want to be you guys right now.
-Nope. -Thank you both.
Mom seemed extra angry.
Her teeth were grittier than ever.
Gritty and gorgeous.
Okay, so here's what I think we should do.
Work extra hard, and when she comes back,
this place will look so great, she'll say,
"No punishment necessary."
Yeah. And she'll pick us up and throw us in the air
and say, "My beautiful bouncing babies."
I mean, I always work extra hard.
I leave it on the field every day.
But, okay, let's try it with all three of us.
So, Bob, back to my underpants story.
Oh, do we need to go back? I think I got it all.
Here's the thing. I signed up for an improv class,
and I'm really nervous about it.
So we're not talking about underpants?
No, we are.
Our first performance is tonight.
I'm starting to freak out, so I was wondering
if you'd come to the show and yell out a suggestion.
In this case, underpants,
so I can roll into my underpants story.
I don't think the point of improv is to have
a story ready to tell, Teddy.
Oh, I'm sorry, Professor Think-em-ups.
Listen, please just come.
Please come and yell out "underpants."
-No. -Yes, and?
(scoffs) I can't believe those kids.
Darn rule-breaking hooligans.
On parent-teacher-student conference night.
Out of my way, squirrel!
-Oh, I'm so mad. -(stomach rumbles)
Uh-oh, cayenne smoothie is moving around in there. Ow.
-Oh, oh, oh, boy. I better go back home. -(rumbling louder)
Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm gonna poop!
Oh, no. Oh, no, it's gonna happen.
Oh, thank God.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it.
-Damn it! Oh, what? -(rumbling)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
-Tag, you're it. -Eh, stupid kids!
I mean, hi.
Childhood. Happy memories.
Oh, maybe I'll just go behind there.
No. No. No. No. No! Hi.
Oh, my God, it's happening!
-(relieved): Okay... -(siren wails)
Oh, poop.
LINDA: You gotta believe me.
I almost always poop in toilets.
It was an accident. An emergency.
-That's what they all say. -They all say that? Who's they?
-Public poopers. -What?!
No, no, that's not who I am.
This was all just a mistake.
I'm on this new exercise program, and I'm eating healthy.
I think my body's just confused
that I'm not shoveling garbage into it.
It's not used to salads.
And that damn cayenne pepper is a spicy little bastard.
So, I didn't need to hear any of that.
-Uh, the fine is $100. -Okay.
But since you have no wallet or ID, or even a phone,
we need someone to come pay the citation
with cash before you can leave.
Okay, no problem.
I'll call my husband and he'll be right here.
I get a phone call, right? Like in the movies?
-Let me see your hands. -Wha?
-Palms up. -Oh, hand sanitizer.
Right, right, right, right.
TEDDY: Oh, come on, Bob.
Kids, tell your dad to come to my improv show
and yell out "underpants."
I'll do it at your wedding.
Sorry, Teddy, we're quietly and obediently doing our work,
-like good children. -But if you want some advice, maybe just have fun with it?
You think improv's supposed to be fun?!
-(phone ringing) -Sorry, sorry.
Bob's Burgers. Oh, hi. What?
You're kidding. Are you serious?
Uh, okay, okay, let me look. We might be a little short.
But I'll go to the bank and head right over.
Oh, uh... I-I promise. I won't.
L-Love you, too. Bye.
That was, um, the restaurant supply store.
They called me personally to say they're-they're having
a half-off sale for the next 30 minutes.
And you love them?
-Yes, very much. -TINA: Aw.
So I'm gonna go check it out real fast
and be back in time to take you to your conferences.
Kids, go upstairs and do your homework.
-Teddy, um, leave. -Okay, fine.
But if you need someone to shout "underpants"
in a room full of ten or 11 people,
don't come crawling to me, Bob.
Okay, sounds good.
Are you sure you don't want us to stay here
and do extra work, Dad,
with our sweet little hands?
Yeah, really get into it.
I don't know, maybe mop the ceiling?
No, that's-that's okay.
We could tackle that sticky corner that we always avoid.
So many hairs stuck there. It looks like a little forest.
I'm positive. Go upstairs and I'll be right back
with all those restaurant supplies I'm gonna get.
-Your wish is our command, Papa. -(bell jingles)
Looks like there's no cleaning our way out of this one.
And Mom's still out there, angrily strutting around
thinking of God knows what to punish us.
And God's seen some pretty rough stuff.
(Tina groans)
-So, uh, yeah, my husband will be here really soon. -Mm-hmm.
And he'll bring the money and we'll clear all this up.
-Uh-huh. -He just has to stop at the bank.
Sure. He sounds great and totally real.
He is real.
You know what else is real? Toilets.
I know. I was looking for one.
Would it help if I showed you a picture
of what they look like? Toilet. Toilet.
That's the kind I have. Oh, that's a nice one.
-That one's okay. -Ugh.
That one's dumb.
What? Bank holiday?
I know, right? Another one?
They should just tell us the days that aren't bank holidays.
It'd be a shorter list.
Well, at least the ATMs are open.
I know, but it's not the same.
-I like the human interaction. -Why is my card not working?
Oh, it's all scratched up. How did that happen?
Oh, right.
Get in there. Oh, ah...
-Is that my ATM card? -Yeah.
I'm showing Gene and Tina how they can open any door
with a simple credit card.
I'm not sure I need to know this.
Then why did you sign up for
Louise's Life Skills Workshop?
I thought it would be more about organizing my closet.
I'm just here to network. Hello, I'm Gene.
What do you do for work?
Oh, my God, I hate that workshop.
Math, math, math. Oh, who can do math
-at a time like this?! -I know.
I think we finally pushed Mom over the edge.
I'm scared of what she's gonna do to us.
It's gonna be bad.
It's gonna be really bad.
You think she's gonna ground us through high school?
What if she replaces our hands and feet with mops and brooms,
makes us clean all day long?
What if she hires a gorilla to eat us?!
I know they're plant-eating, gentle giants,
but everyone has their price!
What if she says no TV?
-Aah! -Aah! I don't want that life!
Hey, did you guys watch that really great TV show
-that was on the TV last night? -LOUISE and GENE and TINA: No!
Too bad. It was a shared cultural moment.
(chuckles) See you later.
We can't let this happen!
-MAN: Just the gum? -BOB: Yes.
So, you were sitting at home, and you thought,
"I need some gum, I'm gonna get in the car
and head over to the grocery store"?
Uh... yeah.
So can you just ring it up?
Yep. Ringing up one gum.
One gum for the man that only needs gum.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
I-I came to cash a check because the banks are closed
and my ATM card isn't working.
-Cash a check? -Yeah. Like, if I write a check
for $40 over the amount of my purchase,
you give me the $40.
Oh, no, I, uh, I know what cashing a check means,
but we're not in the '80s anymore.
-What? -Most stores stopped doing that a long time ago, including ours.
Well, there should be a sign that says that.
There is.
-Damn it! -You still want the gum?
-Yes. -That'll be $1.39.
Uh, one dollar
and 39 cents.
This feels like time travelling.
Carp. 40 minutes till parent- teacher-student conferences.
Oh, why can't we just have lots of money lying around?
Oh. Linda's secret emergency money drawer.
-Of course! I forgot. -You know, the more I hear you,
the more I feel like your life doesn't make sense.
But, uh, I'm just a normal person.
Shush.
I don't know what's taking him so long.
He should have been here by now.
Yeah, most people who exist
would have been here by now.
You know what? I have an idea.
I'll go home, I'll get the money,
I'll come right back and pay you.
No, no, that's not how this works.
No, yeah, it's good, it's good.
So should I just let everyone out of jail?
I'm sure they'll all come back, right?
I mean, it's something to try.
I'm gonna go, I'll be right back. You'll see.
You really should sit back down.
If you walk out that door, I'll be forced to detain you.
More than I'm already detaining you.
-But we're friends. -Nope.
Acquaintances? If I saw you on the street, I'd say hi.
Ma'am, don't open that door.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
Oh, double poop.
In case Mom really does go crazy and says no TV,
we should make a cardboard decoy TV for the living room,
and we'll put the real TV in my room.
-Um, my room? -My room.
Okay, we'll put the TV in the middle of the floor
and let it come to who it likes best.
-(door closes) -Ah! Homework!
Yeah, my hands are so sore
from doing all this homework so well.
And my butt is sore from all of my homework farts.
-Uh, uh-huh, uh-huh, great. -Are you chewing gum?
Since when do you have gum we don't know about?
Did you get anything good at the restaurant supply store?
Maybe some fun aprons?
-Oh, um... -Apron fashion show?
First of all, even if I did get some good aprons,
you kids are in trouble, so no apron fashion show.
-Boo. -And second of all, um,
there wasn't anything good at the store, so I got some gum
to cheer myself up.
And now I'm going into my bedroom to get something,
and I don't want you to follow me.
I like new Gum Dad. He's in charge.
LINDA: You made a big mistake
putting me in here, a big mistake.
Pretty Woman big. Not that I do Pretty Woman stuff.
My lawyer's gonna be so mad!
What's your lawyer's name?
John Lawyerton.
I've heard of him.
-He's good. -Oh.
Oh, there's Sergeant Bosco.
He'll vouch for me. You'll see.
He knows I'm good for the money.
-Sergeant Bosco! -Linda Belcher?
-What are you doing here? -It's all a big misunderstanding.
I was on a power walk and I got a ticket
and I don't have my purse or any ID.
Yeah? What'd you get a ticket for?
Nothing. It was nothing. It-it was no big deal.
Public defecation.
-Oh, dear Lord. -No, no, please.
It was the cayenne pepper.
And maybe the flax, I don't know.
Oh, but come on, Bosco, you know me.
I thought I knew you. Public poopers are just... ugh.
I mean, this is a society. There are rules.
I know, I know. I say that all the time.
It's just the worst.
Well, what about murderers?
Well, murder is bad, too, but at least
it's not pooping outside like some kind of psycho.
Sergeant Bosco, wait, come back.
-It was an accident. -That went well.
Come on, secret emergency money underwear drawer.
Nothing. And so many holes in the underwear.
Why does she keep these?
-(yelps) -Are you looking for Mom's secret cash stash?
Hey. I told you not to follow me.
You look like a different guy from behind.
Huh. What's this?
"I.O.U. seven dollars. Love, Linda."
Why would she write herself I.O.U.s?
GENE: Because she's on it.
Dad, what's happening?
Why do you need emergency money?
And where's Mom? She should be back by now.
-What's going on? -Was Mom taken and you need to pay her ransom?
Should we call Liam Neeson? Do we need some Neeson?
-I bet he drives a Nissan. -(hyperventilating)
Tina, kids, calm down. Everything's okay.
Bull-doody. Give us some answers, old man.
(sighs) Okay, fine. While she was on her walk,
your mom got a ticket, and we have to go pay the ticket
but I don't have enough cash and the banks are all closed.
-Mom got a ticket? -Yes.
It's just a ticket? So she's fine? Phew.
Tina, I know this is a little awkward, but...
you don't have any babysitting money, do you?
Like, $18? I'll-I'll pay you back tomorrow.
With interest. 50%, I get half.
-Tina, let's do this. -I don't have any.
I spent it all on Boys 4 Now perfume.
Pituitary by Boyz 4 Now. It's nasty.
(sighs) I think I have an idea of how to get some money.
Wait a minute, what did Mom get a ticket for?
I promised her I wouldn't tell you.
-Jaywalking? -Walking way too loud?
-Did her boob fall out again? -No. Wait, her boob fell out?
At the store once. She didn't notice for a while.
She's fun.
-Was she trespassing? -No.
-Carjacking? -No.
Flapjacking? It shouldn't be illegal.
No, look, the reason she got a ticket
was not that big of a deal, but I promised
-I wouldn't tell you. -Why are we stopping here?
Time to say goodbye to an old friend.
Is that a panini maker?
BOB: It's my CD player.
It's the only thing that truly gets me.
So as you can see, it-it's in great condition.
-Mm... -I paid probably a lot for it.
And it-it has the cassette thingy here
that you plug into the dashboard,
which is basically magic, and the CD goes there.
Oh, it has skip protection, by the way, so rest easy.
I-I could let it go for $40.
I'll give you five bucks for it.
What? A-Are you crazy?
CDs are coming back. I-In a big way.
I'm young and hip and I can vouch for that.
So am I and so can I, daddio.
Five bucks, take it or leave it.
-$18? Final offer. -Let me handle this, Dad.
Hey. Give my dad $18 for his old man music machine.
I'd listen to her if I were you, mister.
She seems loco.
-No. -Well, I tried.
Okay, that didn't go great.
But at least I didn't have to lose you.
-To that mean man. -What are we gonna do now?
Well, your parent- teacher-student conferences
start in half an hour. (sighs)
I guess there's one other thing we can do.
-Tell us what Mom did? -No.
-(phone rings) -Hello, Teddy?
I deserve this.
I was supposed to be getting fitty in my 40s
but instead I got poopy in the park.
I'm a bad person rule breaker.
No wonder the kids all got detention.
Look at what kind of example I set.
They'll never respect me again after this.
They probably don't want to come 'cause they won't be able
to look me in my public pooping eyes.
That's why they're taking so long.
-What are you in for? -Attempted to sell drugs
to a state trooper. You?
-Public defecation. -Oh.
So, you need $18?
-Yep. -Is it okay if I only have a 20?
Yeah, that's fine, Teddy. Thank you.
Do you want to give me the two dollars' change now,
or just owe me the whole 20?
I-I'll owe you 20, Teddy.
I'm so sorry, we're-we're in a big rush.
I can't believe Linda got a ticket
and you won't tell me what it's for.
Probably flapjacking. (chuckles)
He won't tell us, either. He's keeping that mustache shut.
Except to chew his precious gum.
Oh, you got gum?
Y-Yeah. Do-do you want a piece?
I never say no to a piece of gum.
Okay, uh, here you go. Now if I could just get that...
-Maybe one for now, one for later? -(sighs)
-Okay, fine. Here. -Big night for me, too, I guess.
-Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. -I'm just bouncing off the walls.
-Going through scenarios, you know, pre-improvising. -Right.
-Yep. -Who knows. Who knows what the night holds, right, Bobby?
-Mm-hmm. -Ah. Maybe I'll think of some improvs,
maybe I won't, maybe my mind will just go blank.
Okay, fine. Teddy, I'll come.
I'll come and yell out "underpants."
Oh, really? That's great.
Because you weren't that into it before.
Yeah, no, yeah. It's-it's gonna be great.
So, anyway, Teddy, we really have to go.
We have parent-teacher-student conferences in 20 minutes.
Gosh, I-I'm just dying to know what Linda's ticket was for.
I bet it was something great and the cops just misunderstood.
Like stealing a cloud.
-It was for public pooping, okay? -(all gasp)
I mean, allegedly. I mean, not that.
I was improvising. Forget I said anything.
I'm taking the 20. Bye.
Wow.
Mmm. Just chew it, Teddy.
Don't swallow it. (gulps) Damn it.
Okay, you guys have to pretend
I didn't tell you what your mom did.
May-may or may not have done, I mean.
Y-You have to erase that from your minds.
There are some things your father tells you
that you never forget.
And "your mom got a ticket for public defecation"
is definitely one of them.
I can't believe this and I can't believe I learned
a new word for poop today.
Defecation, defecation, defecation...
-(grumbles) -...defecation, defecation, defecation.
Dead. They're all dead.
Bob, Tina, Gene, Louise, dead.
That's why they aren't gettin' me.
I've got no one and nothing in this world.
I live here now.
Can I, can I switch cells?
Hi, we're here to pay the fine for Linda Belcher. Here it is.
In small bills.
Great. Why is it wet?
-Is that sweat? -Probably.
20, 25, 26...
We're kind of in a hurry, so...
Well, now I've lost my place.
20, 25...
It's just, we have the kids'
parent-teacher-student conferences,
and we need to get to the school, so...
-Oh, let me know how that goes. -TINA: We got detention today.
That's probably already in your system.
I don't know if that's how it works.
Yeah, we had a meeting about it with the chief.
Oh, God.
Hi, honey. Sorry it took so long to get here.
There were, um, some, uh, money things.
It's fine. Hi, kids.
-Hi, Mom. -Hey, there. -Hello, Mother.
-You told them, didn't you? -Told us what? -No.
I don't even know what defecation is.
Something you do at church?
Yeah, sorry. And I told Teddy.
And maybe a guy at the ATM.
-I-I can't really remember. -Okay, fine.
I pooped in public and I got arrested.
Not technically. You were detained.
-She got detention. -Thank you.
So, newsflash: your mom isn't perfect, okay?
What made you think we thought you were perfect?
Yeah, you're a work in progress.
Hey, we should really finish this conversation i-in the car.
Uh, the conferences start in seven minutes.
So we should leave jail and go do that.
So you thought I was gonna say no TV?
-Kind of? -I would never. I'm not a monster.
TV's almost my favorite child. If I had a favorite.
We do celebrate its birthday.
And you thought we'd never respect you
or listen to you again?
Well, yeah. Why would you, after all this?
Are you serious? You did time.
I respect you more than ever now.
Yeah, you've changed, man. You got hard.
And we also kind of don't want to end up like you.
-(laughs softly) -So I...
kind of scared you straight?
-GENE: Damn straight. -Well, then, good.
-BOB: Okay, let's go in. -LINDA: Wait a sec. Listen.
-We're already late. -So we'll be a little late.
Here's the thing: it is important
for everyone to follow the rules.
But sometimes we make mistakes.
Some we can control, like putting a hot dog
in a pencil sharpener, and some we can't.
-Like clenching your sphynxter. -"Sphincter."
-What did I say? -Never mind.
But as long as we're trying,
we'll all be okay, you know?
-(coughs) You pooped in a bush. -Look at me.
Any of you bring this up inside of that school, ever,
the TV goes in the ocean.
-(shouts) -Got it. -We won't, ever!
-You, too, Bob. -I'm so scared of you right now.
Good. Now somebody get me a baby wipe.
TEDDY: Okay.
So we need a suggestion.
Anything at all.
-Underpants. -Chicken wings.
Oh, chicken wings. I got a great story about chicken wings.
I mean, i-it's a thing I'm just coming up with now.
-Okay, chicken wings. -What?
Ah, one order of chicken wings, please.
-(chuckles) -Oh, my God.
Uh, take it easy, sir. Who brought this guy? Uh...
♪ I started eating healthy but it made me have to deuce now ♪
♪ I tried to do it stealthy but I landed in the hoosegow ♪
♪ This song I'd like to dedicate ♪
♪ To everyone who's defecate ♪
♪ -ed in public ♪
♪ Try to hold it, try to hold it ♪
♪ Just as long as you can ♪
♪ For there might be repercussions ♪
♪ If you try to drop anchor ♪
♪ Try to hold it, try to hold it, try to hold it ♪
-♪ Hold it, hold it in ♪ -♪ I'm gonna make it ♪
♪ I'm not gonna break it ♪
♪ Gonna hold it, gonna hold it, hold it in. ♪
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