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♪ ♪
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LINDA:
Aw, poor Tan In Real Life.
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-I really thought
they'd make it.
-LOUISE: They flew too close
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-to the artificial sun.
-I never even did
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the free tanning session
that they offered me.
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Maybe don't make this
about you, Dad.
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-Sorry.
-Think if I run out there,
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they'll give me
some of the lotions?
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My calves are parched.
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Oh, and can you also ask
for that cutout
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of the tan man in his swimsuit?
No reason.
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-Guys, no.
-Aw, now that space
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is just gonna sit empty again.
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Hey, remember how
a long time ago we said
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maybe we'd expand
into that space someday?
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If we got real busy?
Remember that, Bob?
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Yeah, I don't think we knew
how, um, hard it would be
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to be a restaurant
that gets busy.
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There was that guy
who came in yesterday.
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It's probably good
that we never tried to expand.
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I mean, I think
this was the first month
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we paid rent on time in years.
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Look at us. Big shots.
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Oh, hey, Tina, it's
the first Friday of the month,
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so you know what that means:
it's time to sharpen the knives.
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-Yay.
-Or how about me?
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Please? I will sharpen
the heck out of those knives.
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No, Louise. You're-you're
not old enough yet.
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-Y-You can do it
in a couple years.
-Years?
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You need more hand strength
to get the angles right.
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Your hands are a little small.
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It could turn out really badly
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and I just couldn't
live with myself.
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I'll be, oh, so careful.
I won't get hurt.
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Oh, no, I was worried
about the knives.
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But, uh, it'd be sad
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if something happened
to you, too, Louise.
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-(groans)
-I'm happy with
my restaurant chores.
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I enjoy fluffing the napkins
even though no one asks me to
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and it's "not hygienic."
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Gene, I've told you
to stop that.
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We get a lot of compliments.
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BOB:
There you go.
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Oh, when you do it
just right, Tina,
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you can get your knife
sharp enough to cut a tomato
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just by being near it.
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I mean, not really,
but it feels that way.
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Ah.
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Uh, what the...?
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Come to me, babies.
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KNIVES:
Yay!
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My queen.
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(bells jingle)
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-Burger Belchers.
-Oh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
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Uh, we're caught up on rent.
Just a reminder.
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Oh, I know, Bob.
That was quite a shock.
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But that's not why I'm here.
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I'm here because I have
a little proposition for you.
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-Want to buy Gene? Three bucks.
-Hey.
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-Five bucks.
-Yeah.
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Actually, this proposal
involves Felix.
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-And a betrayal.
-Eh, you lost me at Felix,
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but you got me back
with betrayal.
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You see, many years ago,
my father,
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the real estate magnate
and entrepreneur that he was,
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won the Best Businessing
of the Bay Award,
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and he received a trophy
which featured
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a very sensual gold-plated lion
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with his claw
on a stack of money.
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-Classy.
-I loved that trophy,
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and Papa knew it, and so he
gave it to me on his deathbed.
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Felix, consumed by jealousy,
insisted that he was
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giving it to me to hold
while he died,
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but I know he was giving it
to me to keep while he was dead.
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Then, ten years ago,
I'm pretty damn sure
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Felix stole it from me
in the dark of night.
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-(thunder crashes)
-(titters)
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So what does this
have to do with...
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-Please, Bob, do not interrupt.
-Okay.
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And so, every year on the date
of the trophy's disappearance,
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which happens to be
three days from now,
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I do something
to try to get Felix
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to tell me
where the damn thing is.
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I've tried hypnosis,
I've tried spanking,
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I laced his food with LSD,
but that little twerp
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won't even admit he stole it.
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And that's where
you all come in.
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-Want me to rough him up?
-Yes, actually.
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But not physically.
Psychologically.
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You see, I recently
accidentally attended
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a performance
of the play Hamlet.
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Wait, accidentally?
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Yes, I thought
it was a burlesque show
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called Ham Legs
that I'd been to before.
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-Yum.
-Ah, you've seen it, too.
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And though I found the lack
of ham and legs disappointing,
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I did enjoy the part where
they used a play within a play
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to get whoever it was
to admit to killing,
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uh, whoever the other guy was.
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That's what Hamlet's about?
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I thought it was about
Romeo and Juliet.
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And also, there was a ghost.
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Anyway, that gave me the idea
to use the empty storefront
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next door to put on
my own version of Hamlet,
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about Felix stealing the trophy.
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Felix has always been deeply
affected by live theater.
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After he saw
Phantom of the Opera,
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he couldn't stop
dropping chandeliers on me.
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So I think this may be my ticket
to getting the trophy back.
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And I need you to be my actors.
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I don't want to use real actors,
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because they just talk
about acting all the time
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and their hair product
is almost always too pungent.
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-I want to do a play.
-Of course you do.
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Oh, and I'll need
a director, too.
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I'll be focused on Felix
during the performance.
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And also drinking.
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I'll be the director.
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I want to yell,
"Make me feel something."
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Uh, I-I don't know.
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I mean, we're kind of
occupied here, where we work.
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Yes, I see. What if I pay you
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in the form of you
not paying me rent next month?
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Mm, give us the space next door
to expand the restaurant.
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-What? No.
-For, like, a month
or something.
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-See how it goes.
-All right, it's a deal.
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-No. I mean, no, thanks.
-(groans)
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Come on, Bob. Don't you want
to be a business lion?
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Like my dear old papa?
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I mean, I-I am kind of
already a business lion.
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I-I have a restaurant.
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(chuckling):
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
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Uh, but it's so small
and so slow.
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That's more like
a business snail.
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It is a little slimy in here.
This part is, anyway.
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-I'm not sure what that is.
-Ew.
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Well, I guess I'm off
to hire actual actors.
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I'll go looking for people
holding eight-by-ten photographs
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of themselves down by the docks.
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Bob, are you sure you don't want
to do Mr. Fischoeder's thing
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-and expand next door?
I thought...
-Yes. I mean, no.
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-I mean, yes.
-That's my confident boy.
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(shouts)
Uh, hey, Louise.
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What are you doing?
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Oh, just watching you
brush your teeth
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with your big,
knife-sharpening mitts.
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But don't worry, I won't switch
our hands while you're asleep.
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Then why did you ask me
if I knew someone who could do
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"a Face/Off, but for hands"?
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(chuckles)
Wait, do you know someone?
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Nah, but I'm making some calls.
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Okay. (chuckles)
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Just gonna go to sleep now.
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(whispers):
Sleep with one hand open.
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(Tina groans)
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(Bob grunting)
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(shouts)
Ghost!
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Oh, uh, am I, am I dreaming?
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Seems like I am.
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Y-You want me to come with you?
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Um, okay.
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You don't talk, or-- Whoa!
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(grunts)
Oh, now we're down here?
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Wait, is this because
of the Hamlet ghost stuff
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from earlier?
Did someone murder you?
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-No.
-Oh, you do talk?
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Shush. I'm going to show you
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who's been murdering
your business.
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-Behold.
-Oh, I get it.
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Like, it's me because I said
I didn't want to expand.
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Well, if the boo fits.
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-(chuckles) Sorry,
I love ghost puns.
-That's funny.
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So, you're saying I should've
said yes to Fischoeder's offer?
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I don't know, ghost.
Uh, I'll think about it?
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I mean, I guess
I am thinking about it
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since this is,
you know, my dream.
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Okay, but Hamlet
thought about stuff too much,
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and then that led
to a whole thing, I think.
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-I'm not a big reader.
-(chuckles): Oh, me, neither.
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Look, I have to go now, Bob,
but remember, avenge me.
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-Wait, why?
-Sorry, I think
it's a Hamlet thing.
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You say it when you exit.
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-Okay.
-Avenge me.
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Yep.
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(gasps, sighs)
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(snoring)
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(Bob groaning)
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Huh, lot of groans today, Bob.
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-Groan Crawford over here.
-(Fischoeder humming)
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Mm, uh, wait. Mr. Fischoeder!
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Uh-oh, why is Dad running?
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Dad, no, don't run.
You could go into shock.
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Mr. Fischoeder, wait.
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What is it, Bob?
I don't have any spare change.
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Um, We'll do it.
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The-the, the play. Um,
and the extra restaurant space.
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Goody. 'Cause I couldn't
find any actors yesterday.
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They must have all made it big.
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(gasps) Kids, did you hear that?
We're doing the play.
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Encore! Right?
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Okay, at this point,
you've all had a chance
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to read my script entitled
Hamlet: But Good This Time.
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Yep, loved it. Lot of fun typos.
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-It said Queef instead of Queen.
-That wasn't a typo.
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Anyway, we need to perform it
tomorrow night
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on the anniversary of the theft.
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So that gives us what I assume
is the normal amount of time
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to put on a play: one day.
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Uh-huh, sure, I think
they did Les Mis in a day.
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Lin, I-I don't think
that's true.
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Well, I'm gonna have to drive
you guys pretty hard.
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-A-one, two, three, four.
-What did you--
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-Why are you counting, Lin?
-Five, six, seven
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-and eight, one.
-Linda, stop.
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Bob, I thought you could play
the ghost of my papa
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since you remind me of him.
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I mean, sort of. Papa was more,
I don't know, symmetrical.
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-Okay.
-And this one can play
the character
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that represents me,
Calvinicus Fischoederton,
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-because she's
the tallest child.
-Yep.
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Louise, it's true. But only
if you actually measure us.
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And the middle-sized one can
play my buxom German maid Inga,
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but in the play
she's called Inga-phelia.
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I feel you.
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And the tiny one
can play Felixicus.
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Not tiny, thank you.
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And only if Felixicus
can have a lot of knives.
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No, no, no, no, no.
That wouldn't be accurate.
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Felix isn't allowed
to have knives
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-or sugar after 6:00 p.m.
-(Louise groans)
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I myself won't be acting.
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No, I'll be staring meaningfully
at my brother during the play,
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waiting for his full confession.
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Like this.
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Fun. All right.
236
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Everyone up on your feet.
We will start by loosening up
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and doing some acting exercises.
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Pretend you're an actor. Go.
239
00:09:16,464 --> 00:09:18,131
Lin, we have to open
the restaurant in 20 minutes.
240
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,559
All right, you're loosened up.
Let's rehearse.
241
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,209
LINDA:
Okay, in this scene,
242
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,621
it's nighttime,
and Calvinicus is asleep.
243
00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:26,714
Tina, that's you,
with the super cute eye patch
244
00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:29,626
I made last night, so, uh,
lay down on those chairs.
245
00:09:29,719 --> 00:09:32,720
(grunts) Sorry, without my
glasses and with the eye patch,
246
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,888
I'm kind of blind.
247
00:09:33,982 --> 00:09:36,466
I loved it.
I fall out of bed all the time
248
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,151
from drinking
too much limoncello.
249
00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:41,154
Tina, put your glasses on over
the patch. It'll be a fun look.
250
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,565
Now, it says here, "Enter the
ghost of Papa Fischoederton."
251
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,643
Bob, that's you.
You want to say your line?
252
00:09:46,812 --> 00:09:48,478
Come, my largest and best son,
253
00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:51,314
and I will show you
a hideous crime.
254
00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:53,333
Bob, can you say that
more ghostly, maybe?
255
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,168
-Little more ghostly.
-Right. Uh...
256
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,595
-Come...
-No-- No.
257
00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:58,096
No, I was wrong.
Do it the first way.
258
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,580
Back to-- Okay.
259
00:09:59,658 --> 00:10:01,841
All right, so, Bob,
you make a pointy gesture
260
00:10:01,993 --> 00:10:03,509
-towards Louise.
-So, point?
261
00:10:03,662 --> 00:10:05,662
Give it some flair.
Don't just point.
262
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:06,921
Yeah, Bob, give it some flair.
263
00:10:07,015 --> 00:10:09,107
Behold, my smaller, yucky child.
264
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,425
He will commit an abomination.
265
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,671
Now, Louise, you come in and
steal the trophy off the mantel.
266
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:16,281
-Yep, got it.
-Ooh, Good prop.
267
00:10:16,432 --> 00:10:17,282
Thank you.
268
00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:18,358
And, Gene, this is your big line
269
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:19,433
as the German maid.
270
00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:22,028
(German accent):
Oh, hello, Felixicus.
271
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,013
What is under your jacket?
272
00:10:24,032 --> 00:10:27,125
Some chocolates?
Give me yum-yum.
273
00:10:27,352 --> 00:10:28,460
Okay, now everyone freezes.
274
00:10:28,611 --> 00:10:30,203
And, Bob, you step
into the spotlight
275
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:31,688
for your ghostly monologue.
276
00:10:31,781 --> 00:10:33,965
Calvinicus, this very night...
277
00:10:34,192 --> 00:10:35,449
-Ooh, Bob. Not like that.
-Oh.
278
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:38,194
Okay, we should go open
the restaurant.
279
00:10:38,287 --> 00:10:39,638
Are you happy with it,
Mr. Fischoeder?
280
00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:41,122
It's really getting there, huh?
281
00:10:41,216 --> 00:10:42,140
Well, I was asleep
during the last part,
282
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:44,809
but I assume it was what it was.
283
00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:47,036
LINDA:
♪ Putting on a play ♪
284
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:49,147
♪ Having a really great day. ♪
285
00:10:49,374 --> 00:10:50,464
Linda's in a good mood, huh?
286
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:53,059
Yeah, we're doing
a very weird play thing
287
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,802
for Mr. Fischoeder.
288
00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:56,470
A play? Oh, wow. Can I come?
289
00:10:56,564 --> 00:10:58,305
-Uh...
-Of course you can come, Teddy.
290
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,216
It's tomorrow night, next door.
291
00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:01,993
And did Bob tell you
the big news?
292
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,554
We're going to expand
into the space next door.
293
00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:06,313
Oh, wow. That is big news.
294
00:11:06,408 --> 00:11:07,332
Which side should I go to?
295
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,892
Do you think I'd fit in
over there?
296
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:10,576
I-I don't know what the vibe is.
297
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,229
Oh, we're gonna be Bob's still,
but bigger. Like Bob's Biggers.
298
00:11:13,322 --> 00:11:15,581
And Bob's gonna do
all his fancy restaurant ideas.
299
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,233
He's got a million of them.
300
00:11:17,326 --> 00:11:19,752
-Like lights. Sauces.
-Ah. Oh.
301
00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:21,328
-Meat that's not round.
-Ooh.
302
00:11:21,423 --> 00:11:23,740
I mean, we haven't
figured it out yet, at all.
303
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:26,500
Ooh, we might even get
one of those Michelin tires.
304
00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:29,688
-You mean stars?
-Yeah, those, too.
305
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,916
GHOST:
Boo.
306
00:11:33,009 --> 00:11:34,341
Oh, you're-you're back.
307
00:11:34,419 --> 00:11:36,361
It's like I'm haunting you.
Is that a good pun?
308
00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:39,197
I-I don't, I don't think so,
because, you know,
309
00:11:39,424 --> 00:11:41,182
you are literally haunting me.
310
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,201
Maybe it works
on a lot of levels?
311
00:11:43,278 --> 00:11:46,413
No, just the one, I think.
Or zero-- Whoa!
312
00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:49,265
Whoa, i-is this us expanded
313
00:11:49,284 --> 00:11:50,691
into the space next door?
314
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:53,044
Yes, and you got a really good
deal on lighting.
315
00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:56,530
Look at those fixtures.
Look at them.
316
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,459
Yeah. Oh, uh,
I look pretty good, too.
317
00:11:59,611 --> 00:12:02,220
And we all look
weirdly good at our jobs?
318
00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:05,465
And Gene's wearing that.
Uh, o-okay, th-that's fine.
319
00:12:05,617 --> 00:12:09,118
I guess expanding
was a good idea, huh?
320
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:11,137
VOICE:
But what about me?
321
00:12:11,289 --> 00:12:13,806
-Who-who said that?
-Me said that.
322
00:12:13,959 --> 00:12:15,433
Hey, dream me, uh,
323
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,551
y-you need to flip
that burger right now.
324
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:21,130
GHOST:
He can't hear you. I guess this
Bob isn't as focused on burgers.
325
00:12:21,224 --> 00:12:23,241
BURGER:
All those years together, Bob.
326
00:12:23,392 --> 00:12:25,059
Don't you love me anymore?
327
00:12:25,136 --> 00:12:26,911
I-I do love you, but businesses
328
00:12:27,063 --> 00:12:29,247
are supposed to get bigger,
I think.
329
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,140
I mean, I didn't go
to business school,
330
00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:33,084
but I bet they have exams
where they ask questions
331
00:12:33,311 --> 00:12:34,568
like, "Should you grow
a business?"
332
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,904
And I'm pretty sure
the answer is yes.
333
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,757
BURGER:
Oh, ouch. I'm burning.
334
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:42,335
I'm burning. Help me, Bob.
(screams)
335
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,320
(shouts)
I-I need to do something.
336
00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:45,671
Wh-Where-- Where's my spatula?
337
00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:48,249
Burger, no. I thought you said
the restaurant thing
338
00:12:48,343 --> 00:12:50,084
was a good idea,
and now you're saying it's not?
339
00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:52,345
GHOST:
Uh, can't talk. Uh, fading.
340
00:12:52,497 --> 00:12:55,756
Wait, wait, don't go. Should I
expand the restaurant or not?
341
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:58,334
Avenge me.
342
00:12:58,427 --> 00:13:01,004
Okay, so you're
not telling me. Great.
343
00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:01,946
GHOST:
And fade.
344
00:13:02,098 --> 00:13:03,523
(gasps)
345
00:13:03,675 --> 00:13:06,175
-What is it? What is it?
-I-I just had a bad dream.
346
00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:09,362
Um, or-or a good one?
I-I can't tell.
347
00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:10,789
Was it the dream
about the soccer ball
348
00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:12,123
with penises all over it?
349
00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:15,109
What? No, I-I've never
had that dream.
350
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,352
Oh, I have it all the time.
351
00:13:16,445 --> 00:13:17,945
Too many penises
on that thing, right?
352
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,523
Get some sleep, Bob.
We got a big day tomorrow.
353
00:13:20,616 --> 00:13:23,617
Gonna do a play and then all
our dreams are gonna come true.
354
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:27,046
-(yawns): All our dreams.
-Right, right. Our dreams.
355
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,215
-Hey, uh, Linda?
-(snoring)
356
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,534
Yep, okay, you're asleep.
357
00:13:31,553 --> 00:13:33,436
Oh, penis basketball?
358
00:13:36,966 --> 00:13:39,267
All right, have a seat
my little Meryl Streeps.
359
00:13:39,377 --> 00:13:41,152
I put some hot water
with lemon and honey out
360
00:13:41,304 --> 00:13:43,137
with your breakfast to protect
your voices for tonight.
361
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,897
I'll just take
a cup of honey, honey.
362
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,991
Louise, why are you wearing
Tina's eye patch?
363
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:49,476
Oh, you know, I was thinking
maybe Tina and I should
364
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,313
switch roles, in the play
and also in real life.
365
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,499
-And I sharpen the knives.
-No. No switching roles.
366
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,742
Everyone barely knows
their lines as it is.
367
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,838
Mother, that's not fair.
We don't know them at all.
368
00:13:59,989 --> 00:14:01,397
Eh, that's true.
369
00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:03,341
You all got to read from
the scripts onstage, I guess.
370
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:06,069
But make it seem like
it was an edgy choice we made
371
00:14:06,237 --> 00:14:08,087
-as a theater company, okay?
-TINA: Okay.
372
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,515
Hey, sleepyhead.
You want some eggies?
373
00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:12,425
No, actually,
I'm just gonna head down
374
00:14:12,577 --> 00:14:14,835
and get some cleaning done,
since we also have
375
00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,170
to do a whole play later.
376
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,247
And, you know,
I'll start making a list
377
00:14:18,266 --> 00:14:21,342
of some stuff we need
for the expansion, I guess.
378
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,770
Which I know we're both
really excited about.
379
00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:27,273
Uh-oh, kids, I think
your dad's nervous to act.
380
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,611
I-I'm not nervous to act.
I act. I am a man of action.
381
00:14:31,763 --> 00:14:33,112
It's just, this is a big deal.
382
00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:35,522
We're making, like, a huge,
life-changing decision
383
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,617
without really thinking
about it at all.
384
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:40,545
Uh, I meant act,
like acting onstage, Bob.
385
00:14:40,738 --> 00:14:43,214
Oh. Yeah, no.
I-- That's what I meant, too.
386
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:46,200
I-I'll-- I'll see you all
in a little while.
387
00:14:46,294 --> 00:14:47,534
Oh, let's do
some vocal warm-ups.
388
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,296
Follow me: Matthew Perry's
brother Gary
389
00:14:50,448 --> 00:14:52,115
killed and ate a pink canary.
390
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:54,208
ALL:
Matthew Perry's brother Gary
killed and ate...
391
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,969
You aren't worried about this
whole expansion thing, right?
392
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,545
I-I won't let you burn.
393
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,957
(high-pitched): I'm not worried
if you're not worried, Bob.
394
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,049
Are you worried?
395
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,309
(laughs):
No. No, not at all.
396
00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:06,053
'Cause, you know,
it's-it's gonna be great.
397
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:07,071
It's gonna be great.
398
00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:08,981
It's gonna
be great.
399
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,891
(laughs):
It's gonna be the best.
400
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,226
(high-pitched):
Okay, you keep saying that.
401
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,669
How could you know that?
402
00:15:13,671 --> 00:15:15,246
You're a different burger
than the one before.
403
00:15:15,398 --> 00:15:17,415
We all have the same soul,
dum-dum.
404
00:15:17,642 --> 00:15:20,418
-Seriously?
-Just kidding. I was over there.
I overheard.
405
00:15:20,645 --> 00:15:23,070
Well, I-- Like I said,
it's gonna be great.
406
00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:25,298
Whatever you say.
407
00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:31,429
Good turnout, Mr. Fischoeder.
People love the arts.
408
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:33,414
Nah, I told my tenants
if they didn't come
409
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,158
-I'd cancel their leases.
-Oh.
410
00:15:35,251 --> 00:15:38,252
Ah, and there's Felix.
He has no idea what's coming.
411
00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:40,346
Calvin, I'm here,
and I know what's coming.
412
00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:41,831
-Damn it.
-And it's not gonna work.
413
00:15:41,849 --> 00:15:44,167
I don't know what you're
talking about, dear brother.
414
00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:45,610
Oh, please, you try this
every year.
415
00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:48,688
Some plot to get me to confess
to taking Papa's award.
416
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,507
But it's not gonna work
because I didn't take his award.
417
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,434
This play is in no way
related to that topic.
418
00:15:53,528 --> 00:15:55,954
It's just a fun play
I wrote. Enjoy.
419
00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:57,180
-I will.
-Good.
420
00:15:57,348 --> 00:15:59,106
-Good.
-Good.
-Good.
421
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,184
(chuckles)
I already like this.
422
00:16:01,277 --> 00:16:03,461
Well, Bob,
big night for you, huh?
423
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:05,204
Tonight your restaurant
becomes a man.
424
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,114
And you become a business lion.
425
00:16:07,283 --> 00:16:08,524
Yeah, that's, uh...
426
00:16:08,617 --> 00:16:11,711
That's good. I-I'm supposed
to want that, right?
427
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:14,697
Of course you want that.
Every businessperson wants that.
428
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:17,383
Probably see some results
in the bedroom, too.
429
00:16:17,535 --> 00:16:19,310
Should we do the traditional
preshow headbutt?
430
00:16:19,537 --> 00:16:22,313
-Your head, my butt?
-I don't want to do that.
431
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:25,208
-Preshow pat on the back?
-Um, okay.
432
00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:28,060
Ow! Um, thank you.
That-that helped.
433
00:16:28,213 --> 00:16:30,880
(German accent):
♪ Oh, I'm the housekeeper
Inga-phelia ♪
434
00:16:30,898 --> 00:16:33,716
♪ And I have a tale
to tell you ♪
435
00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:36,310
♪ Please sit back
and hear me sing-a ♪
436
00:16:36,404 --> 00:16:39,555
♪ Of deceit and betraying-a ♪
437
00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:42,816
♪ Ooh, boo-bah-dee-boo
bah-dee-boo-bah-dee-boo. ♪
438
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,227
Our father hath died.
439
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,578
He hath. 'Tis a bummer.
440
00:16:45,730 --> 00:16:48,581
And I know he asked you
to hold yon trophy
441
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:51,509
as he was deceasing,
but now we shall share it.
442
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,753
Nonsense thou speakst.
443
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,255
'Tis mine. Farewell.
444
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,499
A pox upon you!
It shall be mine someday.
445
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:02,595
Because I am a grubby
little spoiled rat.
446
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:03,913
Hiss.
447
00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:06,190
I hath come to take
my father's trophy.
448
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:08,584
I don't deserve it,
but then again,
449
00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:11,512
this is exactly what
a rotten turd like me would do.
450
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,440
-Here we go.
-I have made my choice.
451
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,593
I have set upon my path
and I can't look back now.
452
00:17:17,612 --> 00:17:19,203
I will no longer be
just the smaller,
453
00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:22,189
weaker, dumber brother
with bad fashion sense
454
00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:24,283
and an unfortunate chin.
455
00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:26,193
Here it comes. Here it comes.
456
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:28,028
LOUISE:
The tiny little man who cannot
457
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,939
even come close
to my big brother
458
00:17:29,957 --> 00:17:32,199
who is smart and strong
459
00:17:32,293 --> 00:17:34,460
and so good at business
like his daddy.
460
00:17:34,537 --> 00:17:36,203
I have got him now.
461
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,613
I can't take it anymore!
462
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:39,448
I don't want to expand
the restaurant!
463
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:40,633
-What? What's happening?
-No!
464
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,285
Small one, go on. Do your line.
465
00:17:42,303 --> 00:17:45,045
-We've almost got him.
-Fine, and I want to sharpen
466
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,731
the knives
even though I'm small.
467
00:17:46,958 --> 00:17:48,841
-That's not the line.
-Sorry, Linda.
468
00:17:48,993 --> 00:17:51,069
I don't want to expand
the restaurant.
469
00:17:51,296 --> 00:17:53,738
I'm friends with that actor.
470
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,726
What are you doing, Bob?
471
00:17:59,804 --> 00:18:01,245
You weren't supposed
to blurt out some secret truth.
472
00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:02,914
Felix was supposed
to blurt out secret truths.
473
00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:06,309
-You ruined it.
-See? Now, that's how
you point with flair.
474
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:09,312
I knew it. Like I'd ever
confess to taking the trophy.
475
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:11,497
'Cause I totally didn't do it.
'Cause why would I?
476
00:18:11,649 --> 00:18:13,740
I don't even care at all!
Just 'cause Daddy thought
477
00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:17,002
you were better than me,
and 'cause you're bigger than me
478
00:18:17,155 --> 00:18:19,155
and think you're so great.
479
00:18:19,173 --> 00:18:20,673
I am bigger and I am great.
480
00:18:20,825 --> 00:18:24,176
And you are a trophy-stealing
boy-shaped man.
481
00:18:24,253 --> 00:18:25,661
(both blow raspberries)
482
00:18:25,754 --> 00:18:27,513
-Oh, boy.
-FELIX: Well, if you're
so great, Calvin,
483
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:30,441
how come you never figured out
where I stashed the trophy, huh?
484
00:18:30,668 --> 00:18:33,111
-Aha!
-Oops, well, it's not
in the swan pond,
485
00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:34,946
so don't look there.
486
00:18:35,173 --> 00:18:36,839
Gotcha! To the swan pond.
487
00:18:36,858 --> 00:18:37,949
Oh, shoots and ladders.
488
00:18:38,176 --> 00:18:39,951
-(panting): Stop.
-(laughing)
489
00:18:40,178 --> 00:18:42,528
-(door closes)
-Well, uh...
490
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,865
and everybody lived
happily ever after.
491
00:18:46,017 --> 00:18:47,683
Huh. The end.
492
00:18:47,776 --> 00:18:48,775
Garbage!
493
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,035
Hi, Edith.
494
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,113
Lin, I'm sorry
for ruining the play.
495
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,799
I-I guess I am scared to act.
496
00:18:55,026 --> 00:18:57,451
I'm not a business lion.
497
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,861
I-I know you wanted
to expand the restaurant
498
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,197
like we always said we would
a long time ago, but...
499
00:19:01,215 --> 00:19:03,883
What? No.
I don't care about that.
500
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:06,960
What do you mean? You seemed
so excited about expanding.
501
00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,462
You were in such a good mood.
502
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,298
I was only excited because
I thought you were excited.
503
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,300
And because I got
to direct a hit play.
504
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,044
Take that, Steven Spielberg.
505
00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:16,545
Uh, I don't think
he directs plays.
506
00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:18,547
Anyway,
I guess what I'm saying is
507
00:19:18,566 --> 00:19:20,383
I already love
what our restaurant is,
508
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:22,643
and I feel like I have
everything I want
509
00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:24,495
-and I don't need more.
-Aw.
510
00:19:24,647 --> 00:19:27,481
-Except money. We-we could use
a little more money.
-Yeah.
511
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,242
Hey. Sorry I've been so weird
about the knives thing.
512
00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:33,320
-I was a little jealous.
-I know.
513
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,174
But I do not want to end up
like the Fischoeders.
514
00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:38,401
Me, neither. Although,
I wouldn't mind a swan pond.
515
00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:39,677
But just so you know,
I think Dad
516
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,012
should let you
sharpen the knives.
517
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:42,496
I really hate doing it.
518
00:19:42,590 --> 00:19:43,923
It feels judgy
towards the knives.
519
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,683
Like, maybe they're
comfortable being dull?
520
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:49,169
I know the play is over, but I'm
keeping these bazongas forever.
521
00:19:49,263 --> 00:19:51,004
A boobity-boobity-boo.
522
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:54,266
-(Bob chuckles)
-Aw, my pretty
little booby boy.
523
00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:57,010
I'm telling you, Linda,
best play I've ever seen.
524
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,696
In a store, with not actors,
525
00:19:58,847 --> 00:20:01,590
written by a guy who, you know,
doesn't care about structure.
526
00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:03,442
-Thanks, Teddy.
-(Gene hums fanfare)
527
00:20:03,594 --> 00:20:06,537
Father, we present to you
the first-ever tomato trophy
528
00:20:06,689 --> 00:20:09,540
for Best Dad Who is Also
Pretty Good at Business.
529
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:10,708
Congrats.
530
00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:13,193
Wow. Is that, is that
supposed to be me?
531
00:20:13,287 --> 00:20:14,712
-Yeah.
-Red and lumpy.
532
00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:15,938
And moldy near the stem.
533
00:20:16,031 --> 00:20:17,440
Thank you. I-I love it.
534
00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:19,533
And I cut the mustache into it.
535
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,127
That's really impressive.
It's hard to carve a tomato.
536
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,296
(chanting): Unless the knives
are really sharp.
537
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:27,299
'Cause I know how to do that now
'cause Tina showed me how.
538
00:20:27,452 --> 00:20:29,042
Secretly behind your back.
539
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,761
(chants):
And I hope that is okay.
540
00:20:30,988 --> 00:20:32,230
Oh, no. No, no, no.
541
00:20:32,457 --> 00:20:34,790
Relax, Dad.
Most of the knives are fine
542
00:20:34,925 --> 00:20:36,567
if you don't look at them
too closely.
543
00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:39,478
-Oh, my knives.
-They are sharp.
544
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:41,814
But some of them in places
you wouldn't expect.
545
00:20:41,966 --> 00:20:43,632
(Bob whimpers)
546
00:20:43,651 --> 00:20:45,225
And I don't think
I do need stitches.
547
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,652
And I don't need them, either.
548
00:20:46,804 --> 00:20:49,247
Aw. I'm gonna put this tomato
right here on the shelf.
549
00:20:49,474 --> 00:20:52,250
What sweet kids we have.
Family hug.
550
00:20:52,401 --> 00:20:53,476
Ooh, I want in.
551
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:55,253
-Coming over the counter.
-Teddy, no.
552
00:20:55,404 --> 00:20:56,903
Just stay there.
We'll come to you.
553
00:20:56,998 --> 00:20:59,148
-Teddy, you're gonna fall.
Oh, oh, Teddy, Teddy!
-(shouts)
554
00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:02,743
♪ Avenge me, avenge me,
it's so fun to revenge me ♪
555
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:06,322
♪ Yeah, Hamlet, Macbeth, I bet
they both had creepy deaths ♪
556
00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:10,493
♪ But we didn't read the play,
so we just have to guess ♪
557
00:21:10,586 --> 00:21:14,497
♪ When that one guy poured
poison in the other guy's ear ♪
558
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:18,200
♪ It got everyone in Denmark
shaking their rear ♪
559
00:21:18,260 --> 00:21:22,187
♪ Avenge me, avenge me,
it's so fun to revenge me. ♪
560
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,431
GHOST:
Ooh, avenge me, Bob.
561
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:26,284
-Yeah, Bob, avenge me, too.
-Okay.
562
00:21:26,511 --> 00:21:28,143
-Dad, avenge me.
-You got it.
-No, avenge me, Dad.
563
00:21:28,195 --> 00:21:30,346
-I wouldn't mind being avenged.
-BOB: I'll avenge you all.
564
00:21:30,364 --> 00:21:31,772
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
565
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,457
and TOYOTA.
566
00:21:33,609 --> 00:21:34,625
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org