Come work for me.Excuse me?
Well, you settle inner office disputes.
You'’re way too good for that.
Forget it.Think about it.
You have a nail in your head. Take him to the hospital.
My client did have a brain injury.
I didn'’t.I fired a nail into my head
and you exploited that
to negotiate a settlement.
Do you believe Mr. Berman was of sound mind
when he executed the settlement agreement?
No, I do not.
Harry, I'’ve tried very hard to be fair here.No, you haven'’t.
You don'’t even know the meaning of the word "fair."
Oh, Come on. We agreed to play nice.
I'’m not giving you back the money.
Then I'’ll sue you. I'’ve got you dead to rights on liability,
a judgment is a done deal, your own associate admitted
you acted in bad faith-- as soon as I say the word,
you'’ll be facing disbarment charges-- you know it, Harry.
Ask Howdy Doody here, he knows it too.
Goodbye, Sam. Get lost.
Take Gwyneth with you.
Phoebe.Yeah, Phoebe, whatever.
You want a little advice?
Sure.
A lot of lawyers are out of their minds.
Half of us end up on meds of some sort.
It'’s a boring, mind-deadening job that drives us all
crazy in the end.
In my last job, before this, I smoked pot
and watched cartoons all day. We'’re a nutty breed.
But we still are deemed to have the capacity to practice
and enter into contracts.
You'’re not going to win this.
Especially since, at the root of it all,
your client is a tobacco company,
a corporate criminal
who manufactures a product that, even when it'’s used correctly,
kills people.
Bottom line,
you'’re not getting a [bleep] penny.
Meeting go well?
That well?
I'’ll give you a call first thing.
Sounds good.
Hey, Adam.
Give any more thought to...
I haven'’t, actually, but thanks for asking.
Don'’t ask again.
Aye, aye.
Hey, Leese.
Pheeb.
Leese? Pheeb? How do you two know each other, if I may ask.
Oh, we both went to Ohio State,
turns out we were intimate with the same guy.
[laughs]
Oh, yeah? Who?
No idea. I just know she went out with
somebody on the football team.
Do the math.
OLIVER: Hey, Phoebe. You got a second?
I'’ve got a bit of a delicate situation in here
Maybe you can help.
JANE: As we were telling Mr. Richard,
she'’s a wonderful girl-- "A" student, she'’s popular,
she has a steady part-time job...
How old? 17.
She just got into Yale.
Wow.Yeah, wow.
Now here'’s the punchline: we think she might be into drugs.
And it'’s not that she'’s using, although she might be.
We think she'’s dealing.
Ugh. Wow again.
JANE: So here'’s our situation.
We obviously want to protect her, help her, do what...
but we have no real evidence.
And we could seriously jeopardize her
admission to Yale if we cause...
Well, on the other hand, she'’s our daughter, so...
if she is into something,
we came to Oliver about doing an intervention.
What are you, the go-to guy for kidnapping?
Funny.
What evidence do you have?
Kids, ones we'’ve never even met,
call all hours of the night.
They leave strange messages on Facebook and Twitter.
She bought a car; where she got the money...
Couldn'’t have been from waitressing.
We'’ve confronted her, but she denies it.
And then she gets mad at us and stops talking.
Okay, I think the most logical step is to have
somebody neutral to have a conversation with her.
Now, I would do it myself, but,
Phoebe, you seem pretty good with kids,
you'’ve got an easy way about you.
Would you mind talking to her.
See if she presents as a problem?
Let him sue, Tommy... I really don'’t care.
Harry, I like a good fight as much as you do.
But this one might be better to avoid.
I will not pay that man...
that firm...
a nickel.
Try to get that.[chuckles]
It'’s personal.Damn straight it is.
Harry, I'’ve been thinking.
Didn'’t you leave?
Listen, counter-proposal:
I drop the suit.
Your client keeps all the money.
And you come back to work for us.
Come again?
Our patent department has gone to hell, plus
you'’ve obviously become quite a force in Cincinnati.
We want you back, my friend.
That'’s why you came back here.
[scoffs] You want to invite me back to your firm?
Come on, Harry.
You need to think about your legacy, my friend.
This here... [chuckles]
you don'’t want to go out like this--
half law-firm, half shoe-store... [laughs]
I mean, what the hell.
You know you want to come back, deep down.
Get my gun, would ya?
Harry, we are the "it" firm.
National Law Journal, every year,
picks us as Cincinnati'’s finest.
The Lockober fund-raiser this week,
we will win that competition again, be crowned as the
hottest, best-of-the-best, again.
It has to hurt a little.
I bet you couldn'’t even rustle yourselves an invite.
Come on, why are you kidding yourself, let'’s bury the hatchet
and work this out!
Come on back where you belong.
The only place I would bury my hatchet would be in your head.
As far as the Lockober fund-raiser,
just so happens we did get an invitation.
My firm plans to win the competition this year.
BERMAN: You plan to win it?
What are you trying to "out-crazy" me, Harry?
You'’ll win it? With what?
[laughs] With what?!
[laughs]
JESSICA: First of all, how did you even get in here?
[chuckles] I look like a student.
Look, Jess, I'’m just trying to do
a little factfinding, I'’m not the Gestapo.
So what'’s going on?
There'’s nothing going on, that'’s just it.
My parents...
I'’m an only child.
They'’re having a hard time dealing with me growing up.
I think the idea of my going away to college,
it'’s made them a little crazy.
Hm, they didn'’t seem crazy, just worried.
My friend Ashley got into drugs, that kind of freaked them.
I got a tattoo, they thought that...
[laughs] look, a little flower on my ankle.
You know what my father said?
"Well, if you mutilate your body,
you obviously have no respect for it."
So what about the car, how did you afford it?
I work an upscale restaurant.
I smile. They tip.
I'’m not on drugs.
Okay...
I did a very stupid thing last night.
I had a couple of beers-- I was in a bad mood--
Sam Berman pissed me off...
What'’d you do?
The Lockober fund-raiser.
I entered us into the competition.
[all sigh]You did what?
What'’s done is done.You'’re kidding me.
Never mind, Ollie, I did it, and now we have to win it.
Do you know what that competition is?
Cassie, do me a favor, and check your elitist,
politically correct WASPy little ego
at the door, could you please?WASPy?
Okay, the categories are: "Hottest Female Attorney,"
"Sexiest Male Attorney,"
"Hottest Paralegal," "Hottest Assistant,"
"Hottest Couple," "Most Eligible Bachelor"--
two divisions on that one: over 50 and under.
[snickers]
It'’s a good cause. The money goes to St. Jude'’s
and helps kids with cancer.
"Sexiest Male": Ollie, that would be you.
No offense, Adam, you'’re still
growing into your good looks.
Tommy, "Most Eligible Over 50."
I'’m not technically a part of this firm.
Yeah, but consider yourself a ringer.
"Paralegal"-- Now, would Lisa be game?
I'’ll twist her arm.
LISA [muffled]: Yes, ah!
Adam, Chunhua has a shot at medaling:
"Hottest Assistant."
Oh, come on, you can make her go for it
'’cause I got to win this bet.
Bet?! You bet on us?
Yes, I did.
I... I bet Sam Berman.
If we win, he drops the suit,
it'’s as simple as that.[groans]
So in addition to kids with cancer, you could be saving me.
Uh, what about "Hottest Couple"-- you left that out.
Well, they have to be a real couple, as in intimate.
I mean, that'’s the rule.
Oh.
Do we by chance have
any intimate couples amongst us today?
HARRY: Do we?
Well, well, well.
I knew it! [groans]
[Cassie sighs]
Okay.
First. Pig.
Second. You and Cassie together.
I mean, this is going to be gold.
Forget it.
Oh, come on, Ollie!
For good cause.
Think of the suffering little children.
You can'’t be serious.
Look, the night is always a little raunchy,
but it'’s a lot of fun
and it'’s for a good cause.
[sighs] Talk about coming out as a couple.
That would really be coming out.
I think it'’s kind of cool, isn'’t it?
Really?
Cassie, let'’s just be a couple.
A couple couple?
Yeah, like a couple couple.
You couldn'’t handle me in a relationship.
Maybe not, but I like to fail upward.
You feel your thigh vibrating?
Yeah, I do.
I think it'’s your phone.
Oh.
[phone buzzing]
Yeah.
This is Oliver.
Ted, where are you?
Okay, I'’ll be right there.
[school bell rings]
OLIVER: These are prescription drugs.
Yeah, all the same drug.
"Just In Case."
OLIVER: Sorry?
Just In Case. It'’s emergency birth control.
She'’s dealing the Morning After pill.
PHOEBE: I'’ll talk to her.
[sighs]
You didn'’t quite tell me everything.
I don'’t even know you.[chuckles]
Well, you might get the chance to.
You need a lawyer now, for real.
You'’re about to be arrested.Arrested?!
You have a treasure trove of
prescription drugs in your locker.
They can easily make Intent to Distribute.
That'’s a felony, Jess.
The Morning After pill?
You want to tell me what'’s going on?
They'’re only prescription drugs for girls 16 and under.
If you'’re over 16, which I am,
I can buy them without a prescription.
Which I did.
Okay.
Why?
You were selling them to underage girls.
At cost. I don'’t make a profit.
And you did this because...?Because it'’s the only way
for the girls to get them.
Unless they go to a clinic,
or ask their parents, which they'’re too afraid to do.
Am I really in trouble?
[sighs]
A lot.
You want me to do what?!
It'’s for a really good cause:
St. Jude'’s Children'’s Hospital.
"Hottest Assistant"?
You could win this, Chunhua.
I don'’t really want to win it.
It'’s all in good fun.
So, what would I have to do?
Well, I guess you kind of walk down a runway
and look as hot as you can.
Which you can do.
I felt about "that" high, Harry.
Sorry to hear that. Did she agree?
Uh-oh. You'’re about to lecture me again.
Okay, let'’s have it.
You'’re the most reasonable, logical,
fair person I know.
Okay, this is bad.
Except when it comes to your old firm.
Then you just see red.
Okay, you know what?
And this is not to be repeated--
it'’s between you and me.
Okay.
I'’m tired of the way people think about us.
We win our cases.
We'’ve been a success story at a time
when not many young law firms make it.
Sanders and O'’Malley, remember that?
On cover of American Lawyer.
Where are they now?
Gone.
Melvoy, Titlebaum, on the cover of
the Cincinnati Enquirer Business Section.
Flavor of the month. Today, nada.
All these firms try to jump out with mostly youth--
hot young litigators, pretty faces
trying grab the young demo.
They come and they go.
Unlike the Law Offices of Harriet Korn.
We just keep plodding along.
You ever see us on the cover of a magazine?
No.
Eh, we'’re not hot copy, we'’re fuddy-duddy.
Well, we'’re not fuddy-duddy.
As a matter of fact, we'’re far from it.
You, Ollie, Cassie, Chunhua...
we'’re pretty good-looking.
By Cincinnati standards, we'’re great-looking.
And you know what else?
I may be 60, I may be short,
but I'’m damn hot.
I sizzle, in fact.
And I want to win this competition.
Maybe the equivalent of a lawyer'’s wet t-shirt contest--
I don'’t care.
The Law Offices of Harriet Korn:
we'’re sexy, we'’re hip.
And we'’re hot.
CLERK: Case number 62941,
The State of Ohio v. Jessica Donner
on a charge of Possession with Intent
to Distribute a Controlled Substance.
Uh, good evening, Your Honor.
Oliver Richard appearing for the defendant,
along with Phoebe Blake.
The defendant will waive reading.
Would ask that my client be...
Wait a second.
Aiding and Abetting Statutory Rape?
OLIVER: You kidding me?
Your client proffers birth control pills
to minors, counsel-- what for but to
facilitate them having unlawful intercourse?
That count is dismissed, Mr. Cruickshank.
Your Honor, we'’ve all heard the expression:
"All it takes for evil to succeed
is for good men to do nothing."
Well, imagine how evil would prosper
if the good people of our citizenry actually became active
in promoting sin, promoting, if you will, underage copulation.
JUDGE BUCKLAND: Yeah, that count is dismissed.
Your Honor, this guy is a whack-job,
I request that he be removed.
I am not a whack-job, Mr. Richard.
But I'’ll tell you this: I am a sinner.
Which is why I know first-hand
the corruptive powers of enablers,
of which your client is one.
Dispersing birth control pills that enable young girls,
minors, to have illegal sexual relations...
All right, Mr. Cruickshank,
Now, the defendant will be released
on her own recognizance...Thank you, Your Honor.
I'’d also ask for an immediate trial.I'’m sorry?
Well, it'’s pretty clear what he plans to do.
In the meantime, Yale University will no doubt
rescind its offer of admission to my client.
I would like to get these ridiculous charges dropped,
and end this nightmare as soon as possible.
The prosecution stands ready for trial, Your Honor.
And eager, it seems.
We could begin right now, if you'’d like.
Defense is ready.
The defendant will be processed out.
Next case.
You sure about this?
The longer this hangs over her, the more she gets hurt.
What is wrong with you?
Just doing my job, Mr. Richard.
How we doing?
My daughter has an American Doll collection.
She'’s got one that looks just like you.
Her name'’s Julie Albright.
Julie'’s my favorite.
Sometimes I like to cuddle with her myself.
Tell Adam Branch hello for me. Would you do that?
Are you sure we shouldn'’t just try to reach a plea?
We could do that, but with any conviction,
Yale will likely rescind its offer.
Look, guys, this is a felony conviction we'’re facing.
It comes with real prison time.
I think we have to plea.
No. I want to fight.Honey...
No, Mom.
All right, let'’s just focus on what we need to do.
We'’ve stipulated as to the factual pleadings,
so the entire proceeding will pretty much be our defense.
Jess, we'’ll call you first.
Next, we'’ll bring up one of your customers,
then a doctor, then rest.
JANE: And there'’s just no way the D.A. can let this go?
Not this D.A.
Any D.A. but this one.
TOMMY: It'’s for kids with cancer.
I realize that, Tommy.
I know all about the Lockober event.
I think it'’s a great cause and a fantastic time.
I go every year.But...?
But I don'’t want you entering "Most Eligible Bachelor."
[chuckles]It sends the message that you are
eligible, which is both false and hurtful.
Hurtful to me.
Amanda, Harry made a bet.
Well, she loses, then; at least on this.
How would you like it if I entered "Hottest Babe"?
I'’d love it.
It'’s been my dream to
have the girl all the other guys want to schtup.
That came out wrong.
Huh.
JESSICA: I never meant for this to be my cause in life.
And what happened?
Well, I got angry, I guess.
At who? What?
Well, to be honest...
Uh, Obama.
The President.I mean, don'’t get me wrong,
I'’ll probably vote for him.
I turn 18 in October.
But... on this,
on the issue of birth control...?
What did he do?
I won'’t be voting for him, by the way,
but what did he do?
not politics, dictate certain policies.
Here, his own scientists determined that the
Morning After pill is safe and effective
for women under the age of 18,
without a prescription.
The FDA, in fact, approved it for girls under 18.
And then, whoosh, Health and Human Services swoops in
and just overrides the FDA.
That'’s politics totally trumping science,
and it pissed me off.
And I guess it gave me a purpose.
OLIVER: Now, some people refer to Just In Case
as the abortion pill.
And that'’s wrong.
The abortion pill is called RU-486; it'’s totally different.
The Morning After pill does not abort a conceived pregnancy.
It has no effect on pregnancy.
It simply prevents one.
Conception doesn'’t occur sometimes
as late as a 120 hours after intercourse.
Just In Case is the medication to be taken in the interim.
Even so, it sounds like a very important decision
whether or not to take such a medication.
An adult decision, if you will.
Girls are often afraid to ask their parents for prescriptions,
that'’s the very reason the FDA
authorized the sale to minors.
Yes, and perhaps when you get older
and have a family of your own, Ms. Donner,
you'’ll feel differently about
allowing the government to dictate
how we parent our children. Objection.
Let'’s leave our personal politics
out of this, Mr. Cruickshank.
Your Honor, I only seek to cross-examine
the witness on her politics.
that'’s why we'’re here.
Am I right?
Ms. Donner, you endeavor to substitute
your judgment for that of the Commander-in-Chief.
Probably not, otherwise we'’d never get
our 17-year-olds to fight our illegal wars.
Well, I see you have it in for all the presidents.
Although, I must say,
I do admire a young lady who fights for what she believes in.
And in this case, you decided to distribute the drugs
to underage girls, knowing full well that your actions
were against the law.
Didn'’t you, Ms. Donner?
Yes.
I guess we'’d have a better country
if we all just started breaking the laws we don'’t agree with.
You concur, Ms. Donner?
He'’s good, Cruickshank.
Weird, but good.
You know, it'’s funny, in my day,
in most states, you had to be married just to get on the pill.
Now, everybody'’s having sex except for the married folks.
And he'’s back.
Unlike you, Harry, I just can'’t get comfortable
taking advantage of people in the throes of a mental lapse.
If you want out of the bet, I'’ll let you out.
I don'’t want out. My firm is going to win.
Harry, we have 180 lawyers at my firm.
You know the misogynists who work in corporate;
they hire on looks alone.
You know what'’s sexy, Sam?
Character. Intelligence.
Compassion.
My people ooze all that.
While your people just ooze.
We'’re gonna kick your silicone-injected asses.
[chuckling]: Wow.
Sounds almost like you'’d be willing to go double-or-nothing.
Double it is.
Well, I guess I have no choice
but to try to save face, then.
See you at the ball, Cinderella.
He just played me, didn'’t he?
Like a piano.
How much is it, Harry?
Mm...
[groans] Somewhere around...
$3.1 million.
So, how is it you'’re here today, Madison?
Well, you want the whole story?
I know it'’s embarrassing, but if you wouldn'’t mind.
Well... my boyfriend and I had sex,
and his condom ripped.
We had never really planned to have sex.
At least, I didn'’t.
And he said he didn'’t either,
but he did, somehow, have a condom in his pocket.
PHOEBE: And not a very good condom, I gather.
Well, I'’m not an expert, but it did rip.
I was freaked.
If I got pregnant at 15...
PHOEBE: So what did you do?
Well, I'’d heard that Jessica--
I didn'’t know her--
I heard that you could get the morning-after pill from her.
Which was my only option without a prescription.
And why not just get a prescription?
I'’d need my parents'’ permission.
And if I went to them, they'’d kill me.
Seriously, why not just go to them?
Seriously, they'’d kill me.
So I went to Jessica.
Her.
And she sold me the pill.
Well, you seem like a remarkably loyal friend, I must say.
I'’m not her friend.
Oh, right.
Just a customer.
I should have said, "loyal customer."
Did Ms. Donner ask you if you had a prescription?
No, she didn'’t.
I see. And have you ever taken this drug before?
No.
And you'’re sure it wasn'’t something else?
I mean, you did buy it out of a locker, not a pharmacy.
It said "Just In Case" right on the package.
I see. And if I gave you a candy bar
with "Snickers" printed on the label, you'’d just eat it?
Objection: this case is not about
Mr. Cruickshank'’s proclivity for offering
candy bars to underage girls.
Let'’s just move it along.
Did the defendant give you any special instructions
with respect to this drug?
Instructions? It was a pill.
Well, for example, did she warn you about side effects?
Did she inquire as to other medications that you were on?
Did you discuss possible drug interactions?
No. I see.
Just "Thank you for the money. Here'’s your pill."
Objection.Sustained.
It must'’ve been some comfort to know
Was it of some comfort, Madison?
I don'’t know. I guess.
Yeah, in fact, if you hadn'’t had a condom at all,
good to know you had this supply
of morning-after pills available, right?
Makes it easier for underage girls at your school
to have sex, I suppose.Objection!
Sorry. It seems I hit a nerve back there.
I believe I have nothing further.
Tommy, I need you.
Harry, she'’s got my balls in a lockbox.
I don'’t care. You got a
real shot at medaling in the over-50 division.
If I could just get a third-place finish out of you.
I need those points.
Relationships are about compromise.
You'’ll enter in the "Most Eligible Over-50" division.
Case closed. What about Chunhua, is she in?
Very grudgingly.
And I am
totally willing to take one for the team.
And from the team, so I hear.
Ah, Cassie, good. Listen, I don'’t want you
to take this in a sexist
You'’ve got nice ones, long ones.
I expect you to use every inch.
She'’s lost her mind.
Totally.
And she'’s risked losing the firm.
She doubled the bet with Berman.
We'’re on the hook for out-of-pocket now.
She'’s out of control.
It'’s called "Just In Case."
It couldn'’t be easier, it'’s one step.
You swallow it.
Is that important, Doctor?
It'’s important because the reason stated by the government
to prevent its marketing to underage women
was that it'’s too complicated for teens to use.
You seem a little perturbed.
It comes in a little pack with directions.
It'’s a pill.
The morning-after pill has no effect
on established pregnancies.
It'’s basically a higher dose of hormones
that prevents ovulation.
What about safety?
It'’s certainly safer than pregnancy.
including ibuprofen, antihistamines,
certain cough medicines.
Your Honor, this discussion isn'’t about whether
the drug should be available to minors
with a prescription.
Under the law, it isn'’t.
The only issue before this
court is did the defendant commit a crime.
The doctor'’s own policy views are irrelevant.
Objection is sustained.
May I respond to that?Briefly.
The point I'’m trying to make:
scientific experts, including OB/GYNs
and pediatricians, reviewed
the morning-after pill and agreed
that it met the regulatory standard
for a non-prescription drug.
The FDA concluded the same
and approved it for all women of childbearing potential.
This was the right call.
And the administration overruled it,
in all likelihood because it'’s an election year.
We all certainly appreciate your input.
Tell me, Doctor, is it legal for a minor
under the age of 17 to purchase "Just In Case"
without a prescription?
No.
Is it legal for someone 17 or older
to purchase "Just In Case," and then give it to a minor?
No.
Thank you.
PHOEBE: He won'’t budge on the felony conviction.
He did intimate he'’d wiggle with sentencing, but...
Well, look, if he'’ll go easy on sentencing,
that'’s half the battle.
She'’ll kiss Yale good-bye.
If you don'’t have a deal,
I think we need to keep going forward, keep negotiating.
Can I have a sec?
Oh, get over yourself.
I need him to medal.
You cannot just order someone
to objectify himself in front of...
Yes, I can.
I'’m the boss.
God, people need to lighten up around here.
Not me. I'’m already light.
The facts of this case couldn'’t be simpler.
Jessica Donner sold and distributed
a regulated medication to underage minors.
We call that trafficking.
It'’s the same as though she were 21,
went out, bought some beer, and then sold it to teenagers.
Or cocaine.
We all saw Madison Tanaka on the stand-- so young, so vulnerable.
Jessica Donner is not a doctor.
She was effectively treating this young person,
prescribing medication.
The defendant is hardly educated enough to counsel
or to diagnose-- she'’s not in any position to understand
the intricacies of drug interaction.
She'’s been poisoning these young girls
with a high dose of hormones.
I suppose some of you are parents.
I realize...
it seems like anything goes these days.
The most popular television show on MTV is
the Jersey Shore,which flaunts sex, with drunken jezebels
"smushing" any "juicehead" that stumbles past.
And who watches MTV? Teenagers.
Our youth.
Of course kids want to have sex.
By God, they probably feel they'’re expected to.
And children are now sexually active; I get that.
It'’s a bit frightening for all of us.
Them, too, I suppose.
that instead of turning to their parents or physicians
for emotional and medical counseling
during this very dangerous threshold...
they rather seek out other teenagers.
And when these 14- and 15-year-old girls--
sometimes 13-year-old girls--
when they do decide "Hey, let'’s have a go at this sex thing,"
and they go looking for a little advice...
older enablers like Jessica Donner are right there
waiting for them,
ready and willing to sell them a drug.
Wow.
Almost.
Kids growing up-- it'’s a scary thing, period.
One day they'’re playing with dolls,
and the next...
Whether it'’s driving a car, going to high school parties,
engaging in risky behavior,
there is nothing more terrifying to any parent
than watching their child navigate through the teen years.
And it would be nice if the adults could be there every step
of the way to help guide them.
We'’re not. Not by a long shot.
Madison and Jessica, the two young ladies you heard from,
their school teaches abstinence only.
They'’re not even educated on condoms.
This.
The idea of this finding its way into our school system...
many adults find that idea repulsive.
Perhaps the most important piece of health advice one can give
his or her teenage child: the condom.
We do our best as a society to keep it secret.
Icky. Turn on the television, just try watching
for an hour or two without seeing an ad
for erectile dysfunction.
How to perform better?
Sure.
How to be safe?
Uh-uh.
Our government won'’t stand for that.
Guys, what are we doing?
Teenagers are having sex.
We want them to be safe.
We want to deter unwanted teenage pregnancies.
The doctors, the scientists--
medical and social alike-- the FDA,
they'’ve all said, "Hey,
"let'’s make the morning-after pill
"available over the counter
to all women of child-bearing years."
Our administration maintains
it will never let politics trump science.
This is silly.
A straight-A student, bound for Yale.
He wants to keep her from Yale and put her in prison.
This is silly.
[upbeat music playing, shouting and clapping]
EMCEE: Let'’s keep this party rolling
with this next tall drink of water,
Cincinnati'’s own Liz Colt!
♪ Let'’s ride to the liquor store around the corner ♪
♪ The boys say they want some gin and juice ♪
♪ But I really don'’t want a ♪
♪ Beer bust like I had last week ♪
♪ I must stay deep because talk is cheap ♪
♪ I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita ♪
♪ And as I continue you know they are getting sweeter... ♪
[song continues]
Okay.
I need each of you to smile and put out.
I know you'’ll be a trooper.
Chunhua.
You ready? All set.
Burn the house down!
[raucous cheering]
♪ A little bit of Jessica, here I am... ♪
Hey.
Not competing tonight?
Harry doesn'’t think I'’m hot enough.
The question is:
why aren'’t you entering?
I did that last year.
Been there.
You won, didn'’t you?
I did.
How many years have you won?
Three.
In a row?
It'’s Cincinnati.
Okay, when our people come out here,
scream for all you'’re worth.
Popularity is contagious.
Hey, Gwynnie.[cell phone ringing]
Hello?
[cheering, applause and whistling]
Can you scream it? I'’m in a loud place.
Now?
Harry, jury is back.
Tell Ollie I'’ve got it covered.
You sure? Harry.
The competition.
I'’m starting to like that kid.
Here comes Chunhua.
Yeah!
[airhorn blaring]EMCEE: ...take a gander at Chunhua Lao!
She'’s good, Adam.Yeah, she is.
EMCEE: A newcomer hailing from the Law Offices of Harry Korn,
this "Hot Assistant" can examine my briefs anytime.
HARRY: Go, Chunhua!
[airhorn honks]
[cheering]
HARRY: Aw, yeah!
That'’s what I'’m talking about!
[airhorn blaring]
[sultry music playing]
[cheering]
Yeah!
Law Offices of Harriet Korn!
We'’re hot!
I rest my case!
Where'’s Oliver?
Oh, he'’s a bit tied up.
We'’re good.
What does it mean that they already have a verdict?
It could mean anything, Mr. Donner.
There'’s no way of really telling.
I just spoke to the clerk,
and the jury should be coming in, in ten.
Oh, my God.Hey.
Positive thoughts, okay?
Think win.
♪ A little bit of Rita is all I need ♪
♪ A little bit of Tina is what I see ♪
♪ A little bit of Sandra in the sun ♪
♪ A little bit of Mary all night long ♪
♪ A little bit of Jessica, here I am ♪
♪ A little bit of you makes me your man... ♪
If we don'’t win...
Some of these people are kind of attractive, Harry.
Don'’t say that.
Nobody'’s had anything on Chunhua so far.
Oh, there he is.
Looking so, so cocky.
[cheering and applause]
CASSIE: We got this, guys.
Okay. Simon Jones is next.
Tommy Jefferson in three.
Bring it home, Tommy.
We need this one.
Don'’t worry about me. I'’m ready.
Tommy, three, two, one.
Go, Tommy!
Hot!
That'’s hot!
[airhorn blaring]
♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪
Oh, money! Nothing hotter!
♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪
What the hell is he doing?
♪ This is your chance to make it ♪
♪ Out, out, out ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Oh, whoa! The man'’s loaded!
♪ You'’ll get out, out, out, oh, yeah ♪
Oh, my God. What a teaser.
♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪
♪ They showed the money to you ♪
What you gonna do now, baby?
Credit cards! Lots of credit cards!
That'’s hot!
[yells]
♪ You'’ll get out, out, out ♪
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪Tommy, that'’s hot!
Yeah!
My God!
[song ends]Oh, my God.
EMCEE: Don'’t let this next contestant'’s
buttoned-up attire fool ya...
[upbeat song begins]
...the way I hear it,
Oh, I can'’t look.
♪ ♪
ADAM: Easy, girl. Oh, mother...
Is it over?
[cheering]
Oh, mother.
Madam Forewoman, has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?
We have, Your Honor.What say you?
In the matter of The State of Ohio v. Jessica Donner,
on the charge of possession
with intent to distribute a controlled substance,
we find the defendant, Jessica Donner,
not guilty.
Oh, my God.Oh! Okay.
Okay.Thank you so much.
I don'’t know how to thank you.
The half nelson is good.
[laughter]
Where'’s Ollie?
Well...
[R&B intro begins]
Okay.
Let'’s kill this thing, shall we?
Can you dance at all?
Can I what?
Just follow me.
EMCEE: ...Cassie Reynolds and Ollie Richard.
♪ I ♪
♪ I'’m so in love with you ♪
[cheering and applause]
♪ Whatever you want to do ♪
♪ Is all right with me ♪
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ So brand-new ♪
♪ And I want to spend... ♪
[cheering]
Now, that is hot.
No kidding.
♪ Oh, let'’s... ♪
♪ Let'’s stay together ♪
[cheering and applause]
♪ Loving you whether ♪
♪ Whether ♪
♪ Times are good or bad ♪
♪ Happy or sad... ♪
EMCEE: Medaling in an unprecedented
three categories, including a first
in "Hottest Assistant," a second
in "Most Eligible Bachelor Over 50"
and another first in "Hottest Couple,"
the winner and new champion
of the Lockober Spring Gala Event goes to...
the Law Offices of Harriet Korn!
[cheering]
Oh, my God!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
OLLIE: So, the big question--
if you had lost the bet,
would we have still had to pay?
Maybe not.[laughter]
I mean, it'’s unenforceable.
But it doesn'’t matter.
I just wanted to beat that putz.
Firm. Excuse me?
Nothing. Congrats, Harry.
Big win.
[laughter]
All came down to my legs.
TOMMY: Ooh.
Ow! Ah, listen, I'’m sorry.
to ask you guys to parade yourselves out like that.
I apologize.
HARRY: Gwynnie.
We heard you won.
We did. As did you, I'’m told.
Congrats. Thanks.
We medaled in three categories.
You are a hot, sexy firm.
We are.
And you know what else?
We'’re a fine family, too.
TOMMY: Ah, cheers.
♪ The bittersweet between my teeth ♪
♪ Trying to find the in-between ♪
♪ Fall back in love eventually ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Score! Score! Score! Boom!Stinker!
[woman groans]