COMMENTATOR: He shoots. Score!
-(BUZZER BUZZING) -(CHEERING)
Thanks for the suite, Ben. You the best!
Yeah!
Uh, you're welcome, you drunken maniacs.
Excuse me?
Are you one of the players?
Oh, no, my job's much better, big guy.
You know what I do is I'm in charge of this entire arena.
Every night, 17,505 people come here expecting to have a good time.
I make sure they do.
Are you one of the players?
What? I just told...
What the hell's the matter with you?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yeah.
Right.
Well, you tell Springsteen
that I'm the boss of this arena.
Don't tell him that. Tell him he gets whatever he wants.
Have you seen a really hot marketing executive anywhere?
Where you been, dude?
I got a meeting after the game.
How much time do we have?
Eight minutes, 13 seconds.
-I can get a lot done in eight minutes and 13 seconds. -Really?
I mean, I may not be able to break out any of my special moves.
Which one of your special moves is when you look up and say,
''I'm sorry, I don't know what just happened?"
She's funny. She's a funny girl.
(GIGGLES)
Hey, buddy, so you wanna do this, or what?
I do. I really do.
I'm seeing other people.
I'm seeing other people, too.
(CAMEL BELLOWING)
MAN: Happy birthday, Ben.
Thanks, how do you know that?
Morning.
Okay.
Happy birthday, Ben!
(LION ROARING)
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
-Hey, you're the head maintenance guy, right? -Yes.
And your name is Bob... Bobenson... Bobert?
-Yes. -Really?
Your name is Bob Bobenson Bobert?
Two years ago, you told me you only wanted to hear me say yes.
It's tricky because you don't always ask yes or no questions.
Well, forget about that, for now.
The circus is here tonight.
And if there's ice on the floor, some of the fire-eaters
may slip and fall and impale themselves
on their sticks that are on fire
in front of all the nice children.
-Do you understand? -Yes.
Well, now I don't know whether you're still doing that thing or not.
The hot water pump is broken.
Why aren't you rushing to fix this, Bobert?
You also told me to never run in the hallway.
Forget about the conversation we had two years ago.
-Okay. -Would you gather everyone together
and figure out a way to melt the ice, please?
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Oh, no, no, no, no.
-She wants to talk. -It's never good, bro.
Just melt the ice, Bobert.
CHORUS: * Mr. Sunshine, yay!
CRYSTAL: Benjamin, get in here. Quickly! Quickly!
Quick as you can. Quick! Quick! Quick!
Uh, Crystal, before you get upset and start firing everybody,
I'm on the ice thing.
Have you seen a small, white pill with some Spanish written on it?
I may have misgauged your level of concern.
Did I already take the pill?
-(DEAD TONE) -Hello?
Yeah, I think you've already taken the pill.
I just hate it when the circus is here. Clowns terrify me.
Are they happy? Are they sad?
Why are their pockets so big?
(SIGHS) What are we talking about?
I believe you are talking about clowns.
I do not like them, Benjamin.
Good morning, beautiful people.
Good morning, Alonzo. You're in an impossibly wonderful mood again today.
Every day is a beautiful day, my friend.
-Really? Every day? -Hmm.
What about the day you missed the buzzer shot
in the finals, and shortly after that,
our franchise moved all the way to Cincinnati?
Ben, that was the most beautiful day.
That was the day I stopped caring about myself
and started my life of service
to the great people of San Diego.
Right, right, but didn't later that night the great people of San Diego
throw your car into the bay?
Yes, they did.
-Out of their collective sorrow... -You missed the shot!
You missed it...
What are you doing?
I gotta get this pill out of my system.
What's happening with my charity event today?
Cha... Charity? What...
I invested rather heavily in a legal, Himalayan dog track.
One of the dogs allegedly bit a Himalayan.
Anyway, I've got a Himalayan nightmare on my hands.
And to counter the negative press and improve our stand in the community,
both here and in the Himalayas,
Crystal Cohen has generously offered to donate $50,000
to an inner-city youth group.
Can't we use that money to make this place nice again?
Well, you are the owner, so we should do what you say.
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm the owner.
See that oil painting of me?
They don't do oil paintings of people who don't own things, Benjamin.
-Now, Alonzo. -Hmm.
Make sure you have a good mix of kids for the photo-op.
You know, black, white...
The Himalayas are in Asia, right? -Mmm-hmm.
Get me an Asian kid.
Ooh. And I'm gonna need some kind of a trophy.
Have the Asian child hand me some kind of a trophy.
You're right to clap, because these are all very strong ideas.
(MOUTHING)
Oh, Benjamin, I almost forgot.
My son is in your office.
You... Your son?
-You have a son? -We're not close.
Find him a job. Melt the ice. Happy birthday.
-Wow. -Yeah.
So how is your new assistant working out?
Oh, Heather? Uh, she's great, thank you for her, by the way.
Always on time, very sweet.
Remind me again, though, what did she do? She... She lit a man on fire?
There was an investigation. The evidence was inconclusive.
Eh, yes.
But the guy's okay though, right?
Well, she... She did light him on fire, so...
He's not great.
(STUTTERING) Alonzo?
What do you think it means when a girl sends you a text that says ''We need to talk.''
That's funny. I'm going through something similar.
Uh, I think it means you have an opportunity to get closer.
What's better than that?
-Yeah, that's what I think, too. -Hmm.
-Happy birthday, little man. -Thanks.
Little man?
Good morning, Heather.
Good morning.
Hey, could you do me a favor and find out who put
''Happy Birthday Ben'' up on the score board?
-I did. -Oh, well, I love it!
And I'll tell you why I love it.
Because it promotes a sense of family,
a family that would never harm one another.
-Hey, Ben! -Oh, God, jeez, what?
There's a guy in your office. And he's gorgeous.
Okay.
-Hi. -Hi.
Was somebody else in here with you?
Somebody maybe a little more attractive than you are?
No.
Okay, I'm Ben.
I'm Roman.
So, you're Crystal's son. That must be terrible for you.
Yeah, it has not been fantastic.
Okay, well, we have to find you a job, so uh...
What are your interests? What are your skills?
(GRUNTING)
Interests.
Well, I like boats.
I like how they float on the ocean.
Okay.
And, I like mafia movies!
Uh, as for my skills...
Okay, well, this is a very exciting place.
We've got political conventions, sports,
the rodeo, lingerie, football, motocross.
Does any of that interest you at all?
I do not know what two of those things are.
-Hi. -Hi.
Remember me?
I sent you three texts and you didn't return any of them.
I think after five months of sleeping together,
you'd know how much dangling texts drive me crazy.
Look, I know we said we hate commitment,
and I signed up for this friends-with-benefits thing.
But this morning, I woke up at your place, alone.
Which means, you snuck out of your own apartment.
And I couldn't find my underwear.
Until, I pulled them out of my purse while paying for coffee.
And although I did get a free coffee, I need more.
(ROMAN CHUCKLES)
-Who is this? -That's Roman.
He likes boats.
And mafia movies, I like those too.
Hi, Roman. I'm Alice.
I'm the marketing director here.
I didn't see you there.
No, yeah, I get that all the time.
Well, you and I really need to talk.
Yes, we do, because it's an opportunity to get closer.
And what's better than that?
-What are you doing? -I don't know.
Okay, this is as far away from my office as I could think of.
I mean, this is a good job opportunity for you.
I'll see you at the Christmas party.
Hey, Ben!
There's an elephant loose in the building.
Oh, you can't possibly mean that,
say it in Spanish, I speak a little Spanish.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
Yeah, I don't understand what you just said.
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
Well, actually, your English is pretty good.
And also... Oh, no.
Elephant?
Here, boy. Here, here, here, big, big, big...
Oh, Crystal, you may wanna go back to your office.
There's an elephant loose in the building.
I need you to go over my speech for the charity event.
Did you hear what I just said?
I did not.
Okay, let me see your speech.
I don't think you should open with ''Yay, black kids.''
Then when should I say it?
I don't think you should say it at all.
And I would also cut the song.
Well, see, this is good. This is the process.
-Still ice out there. -Yeah, I know.
So, what are you gonna do for your birthday. Any plans?
No.
Do you think it's sad that I'm gonna be alone on my birthday?
Well, it doesn't seem sad to me,
that's the way you set your life up.
You never wanted someone to be emotionally dependent on you,
wondering how you are, where you are,
kissing you goodbye in the morning,
waiting for you to get home at night?
You're an island. What better day to celebrate all of that,
than on your birthday?
Yeah. Yeah.
But on your birthday, you throw huge parties for yourself.
Well, sure, I need reminders that I'm not just floating in this world all by myself.
I need to know that I'm not gonna be alone.
You don't need that. You're young.
What are you? 31? 32?
-I'm 40. -Ooh.
Not sure what to do now.
I'll get out, and you can just drive away.
Thanks.
* All the blacks, and the whites, and the Asians... *
Don't sing the song.
-Hi. -Oh, hey.
-Listen... -(OVERLAPPING TALKING)
Can I go first? I'd really like to go first.
I think we should go to dinner, tonight, for my birthday.
I think that's a very good step for us.
I... I like... I like you.
And I think we should be together.
I'm ending this with you.
Why did you let me go first?
-Try to understand... -(OVERLAPPING TALKING)
You go first. In all future conversations, you go first.
We were seeing other people, remember?
Well, for me, other people is Alonzo.
Alonzo? He's my best friend.
-You hate Alonzo. -Oh, I do hate Alonzo.
For a while now, he's wanted me to move in with him.
He, he wants more of a commitment.
He wants more of a commitment?
This is a man we're talking about, right?
-Oh, very much so. -(BABBLING)
Look, Ben. Alonzo is a grown-up.
He cares about other people.
He asks me questions about myself,
and actually listens to the answers.
Oh, well, you know what he sounds like to me? A stupid idiot.
I'm surprised this is even bothering you.
Well, what bothers me is I thought we were the same.
When you said you were emotionally broken, I believed you.
-Hey, Alice, will you unzip me? -No!
-I dropped a taco in here. -Just get out.
It's starting to really smell.
What did he say when you told him?
He was already a very happy man,
this must have made his head explode.
I haven't told him yet.
But I will.
Hey, you know what?
Don't tell him anything.
Move in with me. We can do the committed thing.
And we can hold hands, or talk to each other, whatever you want to do.
(LAUGHING) Oh, God.
What're you doing? Why are you making those sounds?
Honey, I'm not the answer for you.
You're sweet, and you're really fun to be around.
But no one is the answer for you
because you only think about yourself.
(ROMAN SCREAMING)
-What was that? -I think it was the inside of my head.
I can't be a fry-cook.
Let's go. There's an elephant loose, the ice won't melt,
your borderline racist mother is speaking
to a group of ethnic children in 20 minutes
and you, now, are apparently just always around.
-Looks like it. -(SIGHS)
Alice is gonna commit to Alonzo and live happily ever after.
Aw.
(GROANS)
You know what the worst part is?
She's making the right decision.
She's completely right about me.
I don't care about anyone other than myself.
Tell me something about you.
Well, um...
I'm really nervous 'cause I haven't seen my mom in a long time.
Yes, see, I don't care.
I find it virtually impossible to care about any of that.
All of a sudden, I wanna make a connection
and I don't have the first clue how to do it.
I'm in trouble, man.
Hey, do you know the song, Rainbow Connection?
Kermit the Frog, right?
Yeah.
Well, what about it?
It's just a really good song.
Come on, man.
-That's him, that's him. -Everyone say "Sunshine!"
-(HORN SQUEAKING) -ALL: Sunshine.
Who wants to see the camel? I know I do.
How about you?
Hey, Ben.
BOTH: Hey!
He is really appealing.
Uh, hi.
Do any of you guys know how to use an ax?
-ALL: Yeah. -Of course.
Come on, clown.
Get it, get it.
Get in there.
Good afternoon.
-We're almost... -Okay, here we go. You ready?
Where's the Asian kid? I specifically requested an Asian kid.
There's an Asian kid right there.
-And continuing in that tradition... -All right.
Of generosity, I give to you the remarkable, awe-inspiring Crystal Cohen!
-(APPLAUSE) -Yes!
Yes!
Thank you.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Stop.
-Stop. -They have stopped.
People often ask me why I love children so much.
Well, maybe it's because I never had one of my own.
I believe that our children's happiness
is the true marker of the kind of people we are
and the society we want to live in.
Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance as they are our future,
and when you ask them to get things for you, they do it with enthusiasm.
Or maybe it's something I've come to believe as I've gotten older.
That a life lived only for oneself is empty.
Only when I, finally, looked outside of myself
and recognized the needs of others,
did I begin to become the kind of person I wanted to be.
(CHUCKLES)
I wasn't going to, but I think I need to sing
a little song I wrote for this occasion.
Oh, oh.
* Oh, the blacks and the whites
* And the Asians, and the Himalayans too
* The Middle-Eastern Indians and all of the Jews... *
BEN: Well, aside from the musical portion,
that was unbelievably moving.
Sometimes, it's a real pleasure to work for you.
I'm crazy high right now.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
All right, just a little bit.
On three, everyone say, ''Thank you, Crystal Cohen!" Okay?
Big smiles, big smiles. That's good. Ready?
One, two...
(SCREAMS) Look out!
-Clowns with axes! -(CAMERAS CLICKING)
Clowns with axes!
-(CHILDREN SCREAMING) -Clowns with axes!
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
(SCREAMING)
Clowns with axes!
(SCREAMING) Clowns with axes!
What an almost beautiful, beautiful moment.
Hi, I noticed you took off a little early.
-You okay? -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good, okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hi.
Uh...
A very smart woman pointed out to me earlier today
that I may not always be the best at noticing
or caring what's going on with other people.
So, I'm just gonna ask you again.
Are... Are you okay?
I'm a little scared.
Well, uh...
Yeah.
You know, you gotta be wondering if you're picking the right guy.
Oh, I'm a 100% sure I'm picking the right guy.
Oh, right, well, what a wonderful...
Wonderful moment.
(LAUGHS)
I've never done this before.
What if I'm not ready?
What if he just thinks he wants me?
What if after he gets me, he doesn't want me anymore?
Of course he's gonna want you.
You're beautiful,
and you're smart,
you're everything.
You're everything.
You know, maybe what you need, right about now,
is a friend, and I could be that for you.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, you know, we could have sex one last time.
That's, uh... That's not a good idea at all.
Hello, Crystal.
I see in the schedule John Cougar Mellencamp
is playing here next Wednesday
and I'd very much like to make love to him.
I will see what I can do.
I just spoke to the photographer,
and this is the picture they were gonna go with in tomorrow's paper.
Ooh, look at my arms.
-Pilates is paying off. -Yes.
May I direct your attention to the terrified child
you're hurling through the air?
Oh. Oh, missed that.
In any case,
this is what I've convinced them to go with now.
Aw, it looks like I'm hugging him.
-That was the thought. -How much?
More than when you kicked the policeman,
less than when you sank the mayor's boat.
-Great. -Great.
While I have you,
I'd like you to sit down with someone
whose childlike enthusiasm and loyalty is gonna make him
a terrific asset here at The Sunshine Center.
Get in the cart. Get in the cart.
I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about.
(MOUTHING)
-Hi, Mom. -Hello, son.
Wonderful.
Happy birthday, Ben.
Thanks.
Hey.
What's your name?
-Dan. -Dan.
Thanks, Dan.
Already forgot it.
Hey, Ben. Have you seen Alice?
Uh, yeah. She's up in her office.
I was just talking to her. Not about anything important. Just a work thing.
There's an elephant in the room.
Yeah, I know.
Ben?
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
Oh, I see what you mean.
(GROWLING)
What do you do in a situation like this?
You know what? Uh, I'm gonna run for my life.
-Yeah, I'll do that too. -(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING ANGRILY)