'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
'The truth is out there... Not!
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
(Fiona) 'When l was little, my mum used to say, ''Keep your eyes open, Fiona.
'''Things aren't always as they seem.''
'Which bugged me, cos l thought, what about when you're asleep?
'lt's only now l know what she meant.
'That it's the things you think you know best
'that have the power to surprise you most.'
< Fiona!
Just nipped out for essentials.
(WHlSTLES) Nice outfit.
Started on the spare room again. Going to be a big job, though.
You're telling me.
Reckon it'll take a few coats to get rid of that purple.
- Have you noticed anything unusual? - Like what?
On the estate.
Everywhere you turn, it's like people have started...
..gardening.
Carol? What's going on?
My way of contributing, to say thank you to Fiona.
lf we happen to win the competition, so much the better.
Come on!
- What competition? - Didn't you see the letter?
- What letter? - From the council, l left it on table.
New initiative, so tenants show respect for their houses.
There's a year's free rent for the house with the best-kept exterior.
A year's free rent? You're joking!
- Why didn't someone tell me? - Don't you get post at your house?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Anyway, you don't stand a chance with that shit heap of yours, do ya?
lf anybody is winning that prize, it's us.
< (All) Yeah!
< (All) Ooh!
lt'll look lovely when it's all arranged, Fiona.
That's very kind of you, Carol.
Just in time for my birthday.
l'm thinking, summer barbecue.
How much longer can we string this decoration out?
l reckon we should do orange next.
Tell them it'll remind Marty of fire.
Going to win though, aren't they?
- No one else will make that sort of effort. - So?
So, thanks to my mother helping next door,
theirs looks good while ours looks like Steptoe's bleeding yard.
Oh, no. l am not gardening if that is where this is leading.
Not for some poxy competition.
Kev...
lt's for a year's free rent.
Which is why l'm going to work.
And you can get them bleeding bikes fixed!
SHE LAUGHS
Steve, l need a favour. >
KNOCK ON DOOR
Steve, are you there? >
A lady doesn't tell her age. You're as old as the man you feel.
Cheeky bugger!
Day after tomorrow, you know where we are. Dress to impress.
Did you shout earlier? We were having a lie-down.
Borrowed Steve's mobile, mine's as flat as a pancake.
Oh, Kerry Anne, who the...
Oh, it's not my phone.
'Could be a mistake.'
l got one asking if the gecko was still for sale.
''See you tomorrow, can't wait, four fucking kisses?''
He's met someone else. Who the fuck is Kerry Anne?
- You could always ring her. - And say what?
Trust my mum to go sticking her nose in.
Veronica, if it's the truth, l'd rather know.
- You can't go charging in all guns blazing. - Why not?
Because you're angry. Whatever he says, you'll only hear guilt.
That proves nothing.
Steve's not the affair type,
but it tells you one thing - he's meant to be meeting her tomorrow.
So then you'll find out whether he's lying.
Yeah.
TV PLAYS
All right, fellas. How's it going?
Shite.
Fucking council. Might as well take the shirt off my back.
Getting people to do their own gardens.
That is a conspiracy, Kev.
Trying to force us out.
TV CONTlNUES BLARlNG
Hey Tommy, you know what they say.
Don't get mad, get even.
You still got that big truck?
Right, let's get started.
WATER TRlCKLES
You like it?
What the...? How did you...?
Well, remember the council wasting all that money
on the Diana memorial garden?
lt's what she would have wanted.
We're gonna win! We're gonna win! l love you! l love you!
How has this happened?
Just appeared overnight.
< Must be God, looking out for us.
Yeah, God and his mates, Tommy and Phil.
You nicked it?
Best 50 quid l ever spent.
You've done this out of spite!
lt's our garden. We'll do what we like!
She's always been like this, always has to go one better.
What is your problem? Why can't you be pleased for me?
Hang on a minute, calm down. Both gardens look better than they did.
Yeah, but ours is a bit shit in comparison.
A year's free rent coming our way.
My own daughter turns against me.
Taxi will be here any minute.
l still don't understand why the twins can't go with you.
Frank, she's in a hospice.
Yeah, but do they not have a creche?
Just a couple of days, you'll manage.
l'm worried about you.
lt's not good for mothers to be apart from their nippers,
it plays havoc with the hormones.
Everything's here. l've colour-coded them.
Morning is green, afternoon is amber, evening is red.
Well, puce.
lt's like a traffic light in reverse.
Here's a list of what everything does.
l have brought up six of my own. What about grub?
Six drafts of milk in the fridge, baby rice in the cupboard.
l meant for me!
Nothing can go wrong.
Anything else?
Bye.
Here's to Alzheimer's. World of your own, and revenge on your kids.
BABlES CRY
Oh, for fuck's sake.
We're singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
SHE CACKLES
What a glorious feeling, l'm happy again
- Da da da da! - Da da-der da-der
Fuck!
Right. That fucking bitch!
D'you know what time it is?
< Look at our garden!
Go on. Look at it!
We know who's behind that. She's done this!
You malicious old bitch!
Veronica. Everybody's in bed!
What's she saying about me?
Oh, Carol. Go back to bed.
Who did she get to do it for you? One of your shags?
What are you talking about?
Our garden, you vicious old cow!
l've not touched your precious bloody garden!
- You're making a show of yourself. Go indoors. - lt's all right for you.
You don't need a year's free rent,
cos flash twat's bought you a spare house!
We still pay for next door!
lf you hadn't spent the last month
trying to find a million reasons why your mum and Marty
couldn't move back into your house, none of this would have happened!
Fuck off!
You...
Mm. There's a face l'm happy to see.
- You all right? - Where have you been?
Stoke.
l thought l told you. Had to offload that Freelander.
l'm gonna have a beer and l'll follow you up.
..Any other guy
l just wanna tell you how l'm feeling
l gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
(Muffled) Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye...
All right, Sergeant, through the back entrance.
..Hurt you... lt's a raid!
Fucking 'ell!
All right, sir? What can l do for you?
Just you two, is it?
BABlES GURGLE
- Whose are they? - (Both) Mine!
Out.
Yeah, no. The thing is, see. l know what it looks like...
l've three of my own. l know it can be hard, getting out, getting a beer.
But the simple fact is, they don't come in here. Ever.
Now get 'em home.
1 2:30. Residential area. Pub full of drinkers. That's a violation of your licence.
l'm doing you a favour.
lf they're in here, they're not out there.
Council orders. Straight from the top. Zero tolerance.
Temporary cessation of licence, pending appeal.
- You're closing us down? - Short, sharp shock.
That's the message from on high.
But surely we could come to... some sort of arrangement?
No.
Get 'em out of here.
- Anyone would think there was a war on. - You are spot on, Frank.
They only introduced the law to stop miners getting pissed all night.
l mean. Hello...
Who the fuck has to get up in the morning? Find the keys.
- Cracking house, Frank. - Everything has to come at a price.
- Where the fuck are we going to drink now? -Tommy, l just don't fucking know.
Come on.
How long is Sheila away for?
Frank?
(All) Surprise!
Happy birthday, Carol!
Jesus! l almost thought me heart had stopped then!
- Happy birthday, Carol! - Oh!
(All) Hooray!
Sounds like we're missing all the fun.
Or we could just make our own.
Question.
Do you love me?
Where has that come from?
That's not an answer.
Of course l love you.
All right. Mental checklist.
Birthday. Fine.
Anniversary of our first date...
You haven't forgotten anything.
Then what's the face for?
Hm?
PHONE RlNGS
Yes, l am hearing what you're saying, but l don't understand why you get...
Look. Two days you told me. Three tops.
And now this.
(Sheila) 'Things aren't too good this end.'
But what about your kiddies?
Eh? Two little babies, missing their mum. They need you, Sheila.
Christ. Every time l hold little Nigel, he starts sucking on me tit.
l've got to go, our Debbie's here.
Debbie. Good girl. Come to help your old dad baby-sit?
No. Carol's having a birthday party. We need to borrow plates and bowls.
Tell her what you told me.
Last night, a gang of lads kicked hell out of my fence,
then did over blind Brenda's.
- The little bastards. - Satisfied?
Funny how they didn't touch yours!
Happy birthday.
Fuck face.
Message for Veronica - don't bother coming to the party.
Oh, here.
What the fuck's this?
Stuff you borrowed from us. Mum wants it all back.
Best of A-ha?
A couple of hours, Tommy.
Three tops. Just got to show my face, family stuff.
Yeah. Right you are.
Help yourself to anything in the cupboard. Well, not anything.
lf they start crying, just, you know... Stick 'em upstairs.
You've not got a present?
lt says it's fucking shut till further notice. Hey, Frank.
Hey, Phil. Tommy's round our place watching the fight.
Nice one.
Hello, darling!
Hey!
Little something from me and Sheila.
Oh, Frank. You shouldn't have.
Oh! lt's a...
Thank you!
Here's to another 60 years, eh, Carol?
Ooh! Looking good!
That's just like the one we bought Sheila for her birthday.
Hey.
lf you're getting hammered, l'm not going to be four drinks behind.
MOBlLE PHONE RlNGS
- Who was that? - My sister. Probably wants to slag Mum off.
l'll call her tomorrow.
Happy birthday, Carol! Hooray!
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Veronica. Come over. - Has she asked you to do this?
lt's your mum's birthday. You can't not speak to her.
Why not?
lf she were that bothered, she'd have come round herself.
l'm sorry about last night.
lt was her l was mad at, not you.
What happened with Steve?
He lied to me.
Straight to my face, he just lied.
You still haven't asked him?
Second that question comes out of my mouth, my life changes forever.
All l've been hoping for - marriage, kids.
Let's just get through tonight.
l can't come to the party, Fiona.
Can you just give her that?
PHONE RlNGS
You're right welcome. The more, the merrier.
- (Man) Eh-up, Phil. - Yeah. Anybody.
All right. See you later.
Honestly, that's the last time. All right?
l promise.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Can you hear that? lt's raining!
- lt's fucking raining! - Oh, my God.
Everybody get the food in!
Turn that music up!
Fucking 'ell.
Cats and dogs!
Whole thing's a wash-out. l thought it were a bit optimistic.
Still going on, though, innit?
Still going on without us.
Hey.
What's up?
She doesn't even want me there.
Her own daughter and she hasn't even missed me.
l've spent my whole life feeling like this.
Like l wasn't good enough.
Always playing second fiddle.
Me dad, me brothers.
The dog.
Well, l've had enough.
- l'm sick of her rubbing my nose in it. - Veronica.
Come on, Eileen
Oh, l swear (what he means )
At this moment
You mean everything
You in that dress
My thoughts, l confess
Verge on dirty
Ah, come on, Eileen...
MUSlC STOPS
Party is over!
Veronica!
l might have known! There's no show without Punch.
- Just give me the fuses. - Keep out of it.
Always has to be centre of attention.
- Why's that, Mum? - Oh, grow up!
Houseful of people?
Did it never occur to you that someone was missing?
Come on. This isn't going to help.
< Give me the fuses!
- This is none of your business. - You're in our house.
- So? - So give me the fucking fuses.
- Whoa, posh lad! - Steve.
Want the fucking fuses?
Find the fucking fuses!
You stupid bitch.
What is it with you, Veronica? A perverse Midas touch?
Everything you touch turns to shit?
That's rich coming from the bloke who's screwing behind his girlfriend's back!
Veronica!
Kerry Anne ring any bells, Steve?
(Oh, Jesus.)
Tell 'em.
She's my daughter.
< Come on, tell me.
Kev asked me to give him a wank once!
And l did it for him!
THEY LAUGH
You join us just in time!
Daughter. Kerry Anne. Seven years old.
Great kid.
Great smile. Biggest mistake of my life.
And you never thought to tell me?
l was 1 9 years old.
l was training to be a doctor. She was a family friend. Her name was Miranda.
We'd known each other since we were kids.
l should never have started it, but... lt was only meant to be casual.
Bit of fun over the summer.
Next thing l know she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
So you just pissed off, left her with one in the oven.
She told me she was on the pill.
l swear to God, Fiona, neither of us wanted a kid.
We both had careers ahead of us.
She only did it to keep hold of me.
l fucked off because l couldn't allow myself to get trapped. Not in that life.
How often do you see her?
Three or four times a year. Special occasions, birthdays...
The contact - that's a new thing.
She's fallen in love with mobiles.
When last?
- lt is not as simple as you think, Fiona. - When did you last see your daughter?
She doesn't know l'm her dad.
She lives with my brother.
Joey stepped in after l left.
Filled a vacuum.
He'd always loved Miranda, everybody knew,
but part of me thinks l was only shagging her to put one over on him.
They brought up Kerry Anne as their own and it painted me out of the picture.
- l need a drink.. - Fiona, please, just...
l was 1 9.
< SOBBlNG
KNOCKlNG
Veronica.
l'm not talking to the fucking door.
- Veronica! - Go away!
Just let me explain!
Go to bed, Kev.
- Have a wank. - Just come out.
Yeah, all right, he wanked us off.
Oh!
But it wasn't pleasure,
and if you'd stop behaving like a bleedin' child for a second...
Veronica! Veronica!
My entire family are trying to ruin my life,
but l think, it's all right, cos l've got Kev.
But no, now l find out you've been getting it on with fucking Marty!
We weren't getting it on!
l do not want to know anything about it! Don't tell me anything!
First it's wearing my knickers to work, now this...
You're as bad as me fucking dad.
lf you're gay, Kev, just admit it!
SHE SOBS
Frank! What are you drinking?
What the fuck's going on?
Where has all this lot come from?
Folk flock to folk, Frank. Call it community.
Call it a fucking joke! Get them out, you thick Yorkshire dick.
- They've got to know where to go. - What about a home? There's...
Who brought the fucking darts?!
They're all paying £1 a can.
And as much free weed as we can smoke.
All the benefits of the pub without leaving your own home.
Hey, where are the twins?
Don't worry, cos Sally is looking after them and she loves kiddies.
All right?
That's a fucking bloke.
(Tommy) Oh.
(Tommy) Right... Where could we put that fruit machine?
Where's Steve?
Had to head off early. Had to be somewhere.
l saw you sneaking out of Debbie's room this morning.
You are not splitting up, are you?
lan, have you still got that spare cash-and-carry card?
- How is Sheila's mum? - Oh, fuck knows? ls that kettle on?
What do you need it for?
Cos your so-called mate won't give us a discount.
- What about rewarding loyalty? - l've lent it to Veronica.
Well, run and get it. Ask Kev if he's still got that trailer.
Do it your fucking self!
Frank says have you still got that cash-and-carry card?
Veronica, look, just tell me where it is and l'll get it.
Hi, are you all right? There's something l need you to see.
Hey, get in.
Aw, Jesus, Frank!
Look at the state of this place!
PHONE RlNGS
Tommy, don't... !
-Tommy's Bar, how can l help you? - No, no, no!
Yeah, just hang on a sec!
Sheila, a tad upset.
Wrong number!
Sorry, no, Frank is not here. This is Tommy's Bar, Faliraki.
She's gonna buy that, isn't she? >
Where the fuck's the other one?
Tommy, what's happened to the other one?
Right, the last l saw... Sally. Adam.
What, Psycho Sally?
- Jesus. Er, is your Sally in? - Stuart.
- That fucking nancy boy?!
Try the Nancy House on Nancy St!
Oh, Brenda. You're looking lovely.
You've gotta help us. Have you seen Psycho Sally?
(Man's voice) Not recently. l heard he was shacked up with little Lisa.
Who the fucking hell is little Lisa?
- Are you from the council? - Do we look like the fucking council?!
Sally, where the fuck's Sally?! Sally!
Where is the twisted fucking weirdo?!
- Taken t'baby out. - Yeah, my fuckin' baby!
Frank!
- Frank! - Nothing but fucking weirdos!
He's got womb envy!
He doesn't mean any harm.
There she is. That's Kerry Anne.
The short one.
Joe picks her up every day after work.
They collect Miranda on the way home. lt's like clockwork.
She's lovely.
(Fiona) Really lovely.
They're a real family, Fiona.
They have everything they want.
They don't need me.
So, are you coming to meet her?
No. No, l'll wait here.
Hi, Uncle Steve!
Mr Fitch, Council. >
Come to judge your garden.
Oh, right, yeah. Come in.
- Er, when do we find out if we've won? - No idea. Ring the council.
- You are the council. - l just tick boxes.
The fella's here from the council.
Come to judge...the garden.
Do you wanna ask him any questions?
Fine. Fuck you!
Make yourself at home.
All right?
HE TRlES TO SPEAK
What? Oh, shit! Shit!
Wait there! lt'll be all right. Veronica. Veronica!
- Oh, Veronica, for fuck's sake! - What's going on?
- Him. Dying. Ambulance. - Where's Veronica?
Not talking. Guess why?!
Veronica. For God's sake!
Recovery position. On your side!
- No! Sit him up! - He's having a heart attack.
l can see that. Sit him up! Keep the blood circulating.
Come on, mate. Are you all right?
Can you understand what l'm saying?
- Have we called an ambulance? - lt's on its way.
Pock... Pocket.
He's got tablets. Get him some water.
And bring a cold flannel. And see if you can find any aspirin.
lt were just a wank, Veronica. Nothing perverse.
Marty!
You were trying for babies. He thought he was impotent.
So we went to get tested. But he couldn't do it with the jazz mags. Wanking!
- Shall we talk about this later? - Probably scared that he couldn't be a father.
He needed a helping hand. Did it for you, Veronica.
He were looking at a picture of you the whole time.
l swear to God. lt's the truth.
She needed to hear it.
- Thanks. - Help me.
Right. How many of these are we taking?
One.
Little Nigel. Little baby Nigel, with some pervert.
Shall we see if the police can find him?
Here we go.
Oh, Jesus.
What's going on?
Frank Gallagher?
More's the pity.
Picked up your baby-sitter.
Oh!
< Pissed on a park bench.
She asked us to return him.
Often leave your kids with alcoholic transvestites, Frank?
Three strikes and you're out. Understand? Party's over.
He-he-he! Got ya! Got ya back!
Hello! Come on, eh?!
- Together again! Sorted. Sorted. - Look at that! Two peas in a pod.
- Eh. Look... - You'll be all right, won't you?
Frank!
Frank! >
(Oh, mother of Christ!)
Surprise!
Hey, no, it's all right. lf you're not in the mood l can always...
- Did you not get my message? - No. What message?
Me mum's dead.
Me mum's dead!
So you'll put in a good word for us about the gardening competition?
The whole thing's a sham.
lt's a free clean up. Winner'll be...
..house most in arrears.
lt's working!
So?
So...
lt were just before our Kelly moved to Paphos.
And this arsehole she was going out with
kept calling me ''dry balls'',
cos he'd had four kids to four different women
and couldn't believe l hadn't slipped one past the goalie.
Why didn't you tell me?
Cos l was embarrassed.
l just wanted to give you a kid.
l know.
But why did you have to pick our bleedin' Marty!
And how did him doing it help?
He's not even good-looking!
Good-looking?!
He's a bloke, for fuck's sake!
Anyway, look. l needed some help and l was looking at you the whole time.
Oh, Kev!
This, Kev - us,
it's the one thing in my life that's got absolutely nothing to do
with my stupid bleedin' family.
From now on,
can we keep it that way?
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Veronica. l really need a friend.
Come on.
lt's not that he lied.
l understand why he might have wanted to bury it, but when l saw him, holding her...
There are fathers fighting through the courts,
because they can't get access to their kids.
How can he not want to be part of her life?
He goes around like nothing can faze him, tough, confident, answer for everything.
Now l realise that comes at a price.
There's no way around it, Fiona. We never really know 'em.
We think we do. We think there's nothing can surprise us.
Then they get wanked off by your brother.
Sorry about lumbering you with my mum and Marty.
l can't live with her, Fiona.
She makes me feel like l'm seven again.
Why don't we keep them?
They can't come back here. You'll end up murdering each other.
But you don't want them.
We'll cope. One condition...
They pay their way. Rent, bills - then we know where we stand.
Oh, thank you!
Ah! >
You two OK? We've behaved like right idiots, haven't we?
Normal service shall be resumed.
Yey!
lt's good doing this, in a way -
takes your mind off the grief!
Hey, no. Come on! Come on, love!
Come on. Think about them two...
..little Nigel and little Delia.
lt's like the great cycle of life and death, innit?
Yes.
We're your family now, aren't we?
lt's time l was...getting home.
All right.
- Whoa, whoa! -This is chicken.
- Anybody want...? - There's some plates there.
Spring rolls.
Hey, Lip. Didn't you order some chicken and black bean sauce...?
- Juice, anybody? - Yeah, thanks.
My whole life...
feels like all l've had is people letting me down.
- Fiona, please... - Let me finish.
You say you love me, and you want us to be together.
l do.
All l want is someone l can trust...
..someone l can rely on.
Because all the rest, Steve, it's just words.
So that's a yes, then?
l will not let you down.
'That day, my mum's adage came back to me.
'When l looked behind Steve's eyes, all l saw was love.'
l, Steve McBride, take thee, Fiona Gallagher
to be my lawful wedded wife...
- Congratulations.. - Yeah.
Bastard!
- You're not gay, are you? - No.
Wow! lf l stuck a bonnet on that, it'd look like a microphone.
lt's a happy day, starting a brand new life, marrying Steve...
Dead dog!
'l'm not baby-sitting you all my life.' Upstairs!
Eugh! You scummy git!
Fuck sake!
'You can tell he knows.'
l'm sick of that creep getting everything his own way!
MUSlC: The Sun Always Shines On TV by A-ha
Touch me, yeah
How can it be?
Believe me, yeah
The sun always shines on TV
Hold me...
Close to your heart
Give all your love to me!