(PLATES CLATTER)
This is what happens when you miss an episode of Shameless.
Your entire life goes completely to shit.
Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
- FIONA: You good? - LIP: I learned I'm not an alcoholic.
What about finishing college, is that off the table?
I got a professor, he's gonna help me find something.
A tech start-up. ltjust might be a while before I get paid, you know?
This management thing is a pain in my ass. I'm losing money.
Tell you what, pay yourself an extra 50 cents an hour.
- Make up the difference. - An extra buck an hour.
Done.
- Nice stroller. Where'd you get it? -(RATTLE JINGLING)
DEBBIE: Well, I found it in the park. I'm gonna sell it.
Dom won't go down on me 'cause I'm not circumcised.
It has all this extra skin and it kind of freaks me out.
I can't feel a thing.
DR. SACHS: Don't worry, you will soon.
I'm meeting an old high school friend for dinner.
IAN: Old friend? CALEB: Denise.
Please tell me she has a dick.
You have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecasts.
Our yield on gross revenues are shit.
Are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.
Oh, yeah, just walk right by.
Ignore your father that you tried to drown in the river.
I was only telling the truth.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
FIONA: Come on, Frank! Open the damn door.
- Come on, Frank. -(POUNDING CONTINUES)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Open the door.
(GROANS)
Hey, Hector? Hi, it's Fiona. Shit. Hang on.
Hi, you still there? Sorry. Uh...
Can you work today? Santos called in sick again.
Yeah. I'm tired of his bullshit, too. (GROANS)
You can? Oh, that's great. Okay, I'll see you at 10:00.
(SIGHS)
Thought you were livin' at Caleb's.
LIP: Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
He's bi?
No dude is bi, all right? Lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
30 YOU guys broke up?
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag?
You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No. If I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
- Eyes on the prize, my brother. - Yeah, which is? (CHUCKLES)
A blowie. From Dominique.
The chick who made you cut your dick?
Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
Uh, you know, it's pretty cold out there. You better put on a turtleneck.
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Excuse you.
Well, you gotta forgive Carl. His manners were in his foreskin.
Ugh! Stop it. It just gives me the willies,
thinking about someone near my junk with a knife.
Where is my vacuum cleaner?
Upstairs, probably.
Kev, grab our cleaning shit.
What's all that crap?
I'm helping Fiona with the bills over at Patsy's.
Place is in a financial shit storm.
Yeah, the Alibi, too.
Svetlana's getting things in order. Which makes me the house husband.
I keep forgetting about the weird situation
you got going on with the two wives.
It's not weird. It's modern.
Yeah, you could draw me a Venn diagram to explain how that works.
What's up with mopey?
Boy trouble.
Girl trouble.
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
(SIGHS) Where's my vacuum? What are you doing?
Uh, vacuum, hall closet. And I'm getting rid of Frank's shit.
That fuckhead's back in the house?
Yeah. Nailed the door shut from the inside.
How's he getting in and out?
I don't know. Window? Ladder? (SIGHS)
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on. Help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank! You're walking. In a weird way, but you're walkin'.
LIP: Yeah, why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon-to-be-ex father?
"Ex-father"? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
"Disinherit"? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Yeah, or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead. Joke all you like,
but once my parental rights are terminated,
you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah. I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by "Fiona."
Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back.
And I'm padlocking the house.
Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
Buh-bye. Gotta go to work.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
Has she talked to anybody about what happened at the wedding?
- Not to me. - Me, neither.
Tumors are repressed feelings, you know.
- Come on. Liam, let's go. - What?
He's the only one who stands a fighting chance to become a real Gallagher.
- No fucking way. - Yeah, you can't just take him, Frank.
Yes, I can. I'm his father.
And he is staying in the will. Aren't ya? (KISSES)
(LAUGHING)
Do you think in his own way, Frank's actually a pretty good dad?
- No. - Jesus.
FRANK: Well, look who it is, Beauty and the Beast.
I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank.
I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs?
The only thing Monica and I could afford
to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey! Give me that. That's not yours.
Well, apparently, it's not yours, either.
-(DEBBIE GROANS) -"Maureen Wilson."
Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry.
So, uh, I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam,
I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus
better start looking for a new last name.
I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on.
Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
"Harry!" Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dyke
she's gonna grow up to be some day.
Come on, kid, we got work to do.
Hey, Carl. Hey. Bunch of us going to the movies tonight. Wanna come?
I told you. I can't hang out with you for 72 hours.
Thought that meant we just couldn't fool around.
Even just being in your vicinity gives me a boner.
-(CHUCKLES) That's so sweet. - Seriously, stop.
Hey, freak fuck! Heard you got a tranny operation.
I only told a couple of people.
Got your penis chopped off. Now you're a lady.
Not that you were that far off to begin with.
See you around, Bruce Jenner.
Hey, Bruce Jenner was the dude, so fuck you guys! Thanks for the compliment.
Don't listen to them. Okay, I think you're manly for what you did.
And when the 72 hours and one second is over,
I'm gonna loosen your belt. Then take off your pants.
- No. - Then your underwear.
- No, no, stop. - Then suck your lollipop.
- Seriously. -(CHUCKLES)
Oh, fuck!
Thought you said I just couldn't go near you!
Where are you going? We have class.
Doctor. Clinic. Now.
So, burger well-done with crispy fries, and a Denver omelet, extra ham.
- Thank you very much. Yes, thank you. - Let me get you a refill on these sodas.
MALE COOK: Order up!
We'll get that cleared up for you in just a sec.
You get my order on 14?
Oh, yeah, I did. You're two hours late.
I called Melinda. Said it wasn't busy.
So you figured you'd just come in whenever you felt like it?
I had laundry to do. Melinda was cool with it.
(SCOFFS)
I'm glad you guys feel like you can just change my schedule whenever you want.
What Sean always let us do?
In case you haven't noticed, Sean's not here anymore. Excuse me.
And that's too bad.
FEMALE SECRETARY: Game Change, please hold.
- Phillip. Tito. Senior intern. - Hey. Nice to meet you.
All right, follow me. I'll show you around.
Oh, you can start by getting coffee for the Three Musketeers.
- Who? - The owners, Phillip.
- Two million! Whoo! -(ALL CHEERING)
This is, uh, Sarah. Head of sales and marketing.
- Yeah. - Black coffee. Extra hot. Splash of 2%.
Jesse, I buy ad space on your stupid network every Sunday.
Least you could do is cut me a deal for the playoffs.
Joe. Brains behind the operation.
And the VC guy. Raised the money to start this place.
- He okay? - Uh, new heated floors. He gets cold.
Green tea. Steeped for three minutes. One Truvia.
Gene. Tech. Four double shots of espresso. Before noon.
Wears a new pair of socks every day.
Throws out the old ones. You'll help him put them on.
- He doesn't like to take the goggles off. - Copy that.
Uh, the sign is self-explanatory.
Kitchen is yours, too. There's a grocery list on the bulletin board.
EXCITED EMPLOYEE: Three million!
(CHEERING)
Hey... Listen, you, you get paid, you know, being the senior intern?
No, but last senior intern just got a job at Porsche Marketing.
100 grand a year.
- Fuck. - Was only here eight months. So...
But you can get started with the coffee and the tea. So...
Yeah.
All right? And, Phillip, um, get me an iced soy latte.
(LIP SNIFFS)
MAN: (ON P A.) Home and Garden, line four.
Buenos dias. Frank Gallagher.
My son, Liam. Looking for some workers to help with a home masonry project.
- Right here. - Pick three guys
with a strong physique and a dumb disposition.
You. You. You.
(CHUCKLES) You make me proud, my one and only son.
Very proud. Uh, the supplies I need.
(VEHICLE BEEPING)
MAN: (OVER SPEAKER) Shelby, report to Hardware.
- JOHN: Frank fucking Gallagher. -(LAUGHS)
You got money for once, Frank?
Credit card. And could I get a $400 cash advance on that card?
And keep $100 for yourself.
Whatever you say, "Mrs. Wilson."
(DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Yo. How come you didn't come home last night? Or answer my texts?
-(BELT BUCKLE RATTLES) - Busy.
Care to elaborate?
I don't know, ask Denise.
Is that what this is about? My high school girlfriend?
Your high school girlfriend who you fuck.
- Whoa! What are you talking about? I-- - I saw you with her last night.
You're spying on me?
Yeah, 'cause I knew you'd been cheating on me.
I wasn't cheating.
So you didn't fuck Denise, then?
Cheating would be if I sucked some guy's cock, all right?
So, you didn't sleep with her?
- I didn't say that. - I'm confused.
How do you think I feel? You're the one calling me a cheater.
You still haven't answered the question. Did you or did you not fuck Denise?
Jesus. What's the big deal?
-(LAUGHS) What's the big deal? - She's an old friend.
Who you fuck!
We've been sleeping together since we were kids.
Don't make this into somethin' more than it is.
You're taking your dick, you're putting it into a vagina.
And you're telling me you've never done that before?
No. I haven't. I'm gay.
So am I! Sticking my dick in a friend's vagina doesn't make me not gay.
(SCOFFS) Are you hearing this, Raul?
This is why I didn't wanna tell you.
Because I didn't want you freaking out the way you are right now.
Oh. Geez. Sorry. Hey, how should I react when you say you've been screwing a woman?
I don't know. Maybe by being more accepting
of your partner's normal, sexually-fluid experiences.
Maybe by sharin' some of your own.
I don't have anything to share. I'm gay. All right? 100% gay.
No one's a 100% anything.
Yeah, well, I am. All right?
So now this inexperienced vagina fucker has got to get to work.
(SIRENS BLARING IN THE DISTANCE)
-(SIGHS) -(DOOR CLOSES)
- Uh, you Trisha? - I am.
It's brand-new.
(HORN HONKING)
How much did you want, again?
Like I said in the ad, at the store it's $2,500, but I can let it go for two.
How about $1,500?
You're haggling with me?
Isn't that what Craigslist is all about?
It's also about people advertising baby stuff,
and when the pregnant lady shows up, they cut the baby out of her stomach.
- DR. SACHS: You doing all right? - You're sewing up my penis, you tell me.
You don't have a lot of undamaged skin left down here.
Yeah, because you chopped it all off.
I warned you this would be difficult.
It's harder than I thought to not get an erection. (SIGHS)
You can get through this, son. Just put your mind to it.
I literally think about sex 70,000 times a day.
Have to find other things to focus on.
Like what?
Hairy balls can work. Or your grandmother naked.
I've even had patients suggest to me
that watching Ted Cruz on C-SPAN is an
effective measure for preventing an erection.
Okay, guys. Here's your Snappy. Snap, snap, snap.
Here's- I don't know what this is, but you guys like it.
And here's your tennis racquet.
All right, you guys play. Daddy's gotta clean this place up. All right?
Yevgeny! Get that out of your mouth!
What are you doin', man? You're gonna light yourself up like a Christmas tree.
How'd you get my phone? How'd you get my phone?
Come on, now. I gotta move all these weights. I gotta clean this place up.
Okay. Let me just take a break here first. Just a second.
You know what? I'm gonna use you as my weights.
Don't worry, Gemma, I'll use you in my next set.
- AMY: (GIGGLES) Whee! - Whee! Whee!
Shit. You are heavy.
LEGAL STAFF: (SINGING) Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Sherry Happy birthday to you
(ALL CHEERING)
(KNOCKING)
Excuse me. I'm looking for Chad. Is he around?
Chad!
Okay. Thank you.
Actually, sorry to bother you. I work at Patsy's. I wanted to let Chad know-
Where?
Patsy's. Pies.
Oh, yeah. The dump on Franklin.
You know it. I've been filling in as manager.
I'd like to quit. Go back to waiting tables.
That's fine. Do whatever you want.
Are you allowed to say that? I mean, don't you have to run it by Chad first?
Red velvet. (CHUCKLES) I know it's not your favorite, boss,
but Sherry wanted it for her birthday.
Oh.
- Hey. - Hi.
MARGO: Zoning board is on my ass.
Where's that environmental impact study for the redevelopment project?
- Which one? - The west side.
I'll call Fitz. Tell him we need it ASAP.
Oh, and this one. She works at that shithole over on Franklin.
- Patsy's. - Yeah, she wants to quit.
- You do? -well, as manager.
I wanna go back to waiting tables.
We should just shut it down.
- What? - Uh, it's just not worth the aggravation.
-well, you can't close it. - Why not?
- I depend upon it to feed my family. - You just quit.
That's the problem with havin' a family.
Well, I didn't think it would lead to you closin' it.
Ah, it's on its last legs, anyway.
We're planning on redeveloping that whole block.
You sure? Remember what happened to that chicken place over on LeSalle?
Homeless guy started that kitchen fire to stay warm, burned half the building down.
If I stayed on as manager, would you keep it open?
Fine. Just don't lose any money.
Well, the only way to do that is to fire people.
I mean, the old manager hired so many unreliable-
Did you hear what I said? Just keep it afloat.
Okay-
Andale, gringos! Andale.
Ooh! Nice wheels.
Ah, thanks. ljacked it.
Or it's one of my boss's cars. Sent me to get it detailed.
Looks pretty clean already.
Yeah, I was thinking aboutjust wiping it down. Pocketing the 100 bucks.
I don't have a lot of time, so I ordered for you.
Sweet. Thanks.
So, what's up? You sounded pretty freaked.
I, uh, confronted Caleb about that chick.
He's screwin' her.
I guess there's something to be said for honesty, right?
Except he says it's not cheating.
How'd he come up with that reasoning?
Says if it were a guy, then he'd be cheating.
Guess that kinda sort of makes sense.
I'd rather have my girlfriend sleeping with another chick than some dude.
- You ever fuck a guy before? - Fuck,no.
-'Cause you're 100% straight, right? - Absolutely.
Yeah, well, Caleb's trying to argue that no one's 100% anything.
It's cheater's logic.
Ever think about experimenting?
With a dude? No.
Think it makes you less worldly or some shit?
Why?
You thinking about experimenting with a chick?
No.
I don't know. Maybe. (CHUCKLES)
So what would you do, right?
You're with this chick, bombshell chick, you're fooling around, you know.
You look down, you realize a guy had joined.
He's suckin' your dick.
How far along am I?
So you're, like, 93% straight.
It's like 96% straight.
All right.
Help wanted?
Yeah, I gotta cover the mornings when you need to do your laundry. Right?
Girl, you got a target on your back.
You're the bitch who told me to stay home this morning.
(SCOFFS)
Let's make things a little easier for us this time, Harry.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
We'll steal the stroller someone wants,
instead of finding someone who wants the stroller we have.
And now, we wait and see what happens, Harry.
(MESSAGE TONE DINGS)
Holy shit, Harry, we got an e-mail already.
It's for the Bugaboo stroller.
Uh, hello, Melanie?
Hi. You contacted me about the baby Bugaboo?
Yes, it's still here.
I mean, available. Uh, just one sec.
Hi, sorry, um, where are you coming from?
Great. I'm not too far from you.
Why don't we meet at the, uh, Trader Joe's on Ontario?
Great. I'll see you there in 30 minutes.
-(CUTLERY CLATTERS) -(CUSTOMERS CHATTERING)
ARIEL: Excuse me?
I saw the "help wanted" sign at the window.
Uh-huh.
Can I leave my résumé with you?
Uh-huh.
Thanks.
Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES)
(DOOR OPENS)
(SOFTLY) Oh, fuck.
Son of a bitch.
- Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-choo -(KIDS GIGGLING)
Hully-gully-hull y--gully-hully-gully-goo
Hully-gully-hully-gully--
Hey, Hully Gully, I just cleaned that floor, man.
(GIGGLES)
Man, what are you laughing at? Again with my clean floor.
Here we go.
-(AMY BABBLES) - Oh!
No, you didn't.
Ah, screw this. Food fight. Animal crackers. Fighting.
-(SCREAMS) -(AMY GIGGLES)
-(YELLS AND LAUGHS) -(AMY GIGGLES)
Work looks good, gentlemen.
Gracias.
Fiona's gonna be mad.
Well, tough titties.
Gallagher and son would like to thank you for your efficiency.
Uno momento.
(WHISPERS) This is where we Iowball the illegals.
They got nothing over us after the work is done.
Here we go. As promised, $50 each.
You said $100.
How about we make it $75, and I won't have you deported?
-(TOOLS CLATTER) -(CHUCKLES) How about we make it $100,
and we won't murder you and the little brown boy in your sleep?
You've jogged my memory.
(STAMMERS) It was $100 each.
I was in a coma.
I was in the hospital. I was in a coma. I get... (STAMMERS)
Lucky you caught me. Was about to go home.
(SIGHS) I don't feel so lucky right now.
Can barely find any skin you haven't torn to sew back together.
Jesus.
Did the best I could.
Put on your pants.
Carefully.
If it happens again, you're gonna be in trouble.
May have no choice but to turn that thing into a vagina.
Hairy balls, son. Hairy balls.
(SIGHS)
You got restaurant experience?
Been waiting tables since I was 13.
- Any felony convictions? - Nope.
Are you working right now?
Place I was at, Pelloni's, closed down.
Uh, it's being turned into an Urban Outfitters.
The owner here wanted to close this place down, too.
But she's giving me a shot to turn it around.
- Sounds cool. -(DOOR OPENS)
That is just the kind of enthusiasm that I'm looking for.
-(SIERRA CHUCKLES) - FIONA: When can you start?
Soon as you want me to.
That's great. It's minimum wage plus shared tips.
-(SIGHS) - See you tomorrow at noon for training.
Thank you so much, Miss Gallagher.
- Hey, Olga? - OLGA: Yeah.
You're fired.
You can't fire me.
I'm the only woman of color. And I will sue your ass.
DIDI: Excuse me, where's the manager?
Hi, I saw your "help wanted" sign.
You're hired. Come back tomorrow at noon for training.
Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
(INAUDIBLE)
(LAUGHS)
DR. SACHS". Hairy balls, son. Hairy balls.
(WILMA MOANING AND KISSING)
(IAN GASPS)
(WILMA MOANING AND KISSING)
You're making me so wet.
Here, feel.
Yeah, it's, you know, like a rainforest. It's like a Slip 'N Slide.
(MOANS) Yeah.
Lick my pUSSY-
_(lvlOANS) - Okay.
(IAN GRUNTS)
WILMA: Mmm-hmm.
(INHALES THROUGH TEETH)
(MOANING)
Oh, God. I could come right now. (MOANING)
But not yet. Come up here. (MOANS)
Come up here. (MOANS)
I wanna come with you inside me.
Whenever you're ready, okay?
- Oh, okay. I'll do that. -(MOANS)
-(WILMA MOANING) -(IAN GRUNTING)
TED CRUZ: (ON TV) Good morning.
God bless CPA C.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
We're at the edge of a cliff.
- Liberty is under assault. {DOOR CLOSES)
Why are you watching this crap?
To not get a boner.
Is it working?
So far.
Is your penis doing okay?
It's all right.
-(KEYS JINGLING) - All right. I'm gonna go take a shower.
No, you're not.
- Huh? - Go take a look for yourself.
- Frank? - I assume so.
The other side, too?
Yep.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Hey, V. - VERONICA: Hey.
Hey. Can I get a beer and a water?
Thank you.
Starting to remind me of him.
Lip.
(LAUGHS) Hey. Buddy, hey.
- FRANK: Hey, hey, hey, hey. - What's going on?
Don't be talking to strangers, son.
Frank, Liam can't be in here.
Drinking age in my country is four. And a half.
KERMIT: That half really makes the difference.
Fine. He can stay.
But no booze. And we charge the same for sodas.
- Uh, extra for sodas. - FRANK: Oh.
Don't be corrupting my son
with your interracial, bisexual funny business.
- What do you want, Frank? - FRANK: Two Cokes.
Never thought I'd hear that come out of your mouth.
Well, being a good role model for my progeny is an important job, Kermit.
Unlike the bad influences he's had up to this point.
Hey, buddy. Hey. You doing okay?
I'm having fun with Frank.
Well, of course you are.
Well, if you need anything, you know how to call, yeah?
LIAM: Mmm-hmm.
All right.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
He'!-
Wanna have some real fun tonight?
What do you say you and me get some female company for tonight?
You can have your pick of the litter.
Now, the important criteria to look for is who's DTF,
who's holding weed or coke,
and who makes your wee-wee tingle.
- Now, go get the one you want. -(WOMAN LAUGHS)
Oh, tiny dude.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
I've got a date.
A lovely choice.
- Hello. - Hello.
Care to join us, doll face?
Sure.
LIP: Dude, it's really not that bad.
How do you deal with it?
With the taste, and the folds, and the slime.
Like a cheese dick and a throat full of spooge, that's better?
Give me a beer.
(CHUCKLES)
(GARGLES)
Man, if I sucked some guy's dick,
I wouldn't be half as dramatic as you're being right now.
You're a better man than I.
You at least feel more worldly?
Not at all.
- I think I had steam coming off of me. -(CHUCKLES)
Should I just get you the Drano, then?
If I knew I could gargle with it without dying, I'd say yes.
You're 100% gay.
I have PTSD.
(LAUGHING)
-(DOOR OPENS) -(CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
What the hell happened here?
SVETLANA: Did we get robbed?
- Kev? - Wake up. Hey.
(GROANS)
Hey, sexy. Hey, beautiful.
- What is going on? - Uh, this place is a disaster.
You were supposed to clean today.
Oh, I'm sorry. I know. I got too busy.
But we had a great day.
Oh, my... Did you know Gemma can climb up on the couch all by herself?
Your only job was to clean today.
Really?
I thought I was supposed to keep the kids alive, too.
We were at work all day busting our butts.
Yeah, all we ask is to come home to a clean house.
I was working all day, too.
Doing what? Having a food fight?
- Did you even shower? - VERONICA: Make us dinner?
Oh, my God. I'm not a maid. Why are you two riding my ass?
Because you sat on that ass all day doing nothing.
Oh, that's exactly what I did today.
Nothing. (LAUGHS)
I did a heaping shit pile of absolutely nothing!
- WOMAN: Uh, $328. (LAUGHS) - Please.
No, no, no. No, wait, no, no.
Come on. Not the front door. We have a special entrance.
- WOMAN: Whoa! -(FRANK GRUNTS)
You got a plan.
Yeah, of course there's a plan.
Shit. Let's just...
WOMAN: Okay.
(RACCOON CHITTERING)
- Ladies first. - Okay. Oh, boy.
- I'll give you a boost. - Okay.
Liam, come on.
- Okay. - Just don't fall. Okay?
Are you sure this thing is safe?
- Well, we'll find out soon. Okay. - Okay.
Liam, grab my ankles.
- Okay. - In you 90-
Yeah. Thank you.
-(WOMAN LAUGHS) - FRANK: Jesus.
-(FRANK GRUNTS) -(WOMAN LAUGHS)
(FRANK CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Holy shit.
I had no idea our floor was so slanted.
It'd be nice to have a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
Yeah, I need a shower.
My ass is numb from this chair.
This couch is pretty comfy.
You still not mad at Frank, huh?
I refuse to let him have any of my energy.
Dibs on the kitchen bathroom.
Oh, shit, you--
(FIONA YELLS)
Shit. (GRUNTS)
We gotta get upstairs.
Yeah, we can throw a stink bomb up there if Liam weren't with him.
He put bars up on the window.
FIONA: Do you guys think we can set fire to the top floor of the house?
(BANGING) Hurry up in there.
I'm using the sink.
Holy shit.
(CHUCKLES) Dude, that's a mangled mess. Ugh!
Oh, my God. It's all bloody and raw, man.
(CHUCKLES) You shouldn't have gotten that stupid circumcision, man.
All right, well, I did. And there's nothing I can do about it now.
So, fuck you guys.
I already feel like enough of a freak
being the only Gallagher who's not circumcised.
Thanks for making me feel worse about it.
What the hell?
Hey, kids. You see those ladies over there?
They're gonna help us clean the house
so we can spend more time playing together.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Ah, what the hell.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Yeah.
Main's off. And the outside spigot's open.
All right. Hand me the hack saw.
Thanks.
Let's see how long he lasts up there without water.
This is so fun, Harry. We have such a great life now.
Double stroller.
We could get a lot for that.
Pretty soon, we'll be able to start saving up for college.
Oh, no, it's okay, you don't have to go to college if you don't want to, Harry.
(BABY CRYING)
Shit.
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
(GRUNTING)
That smell could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
(GRUNTS)
He'!-
Doll face, we gotta hose you down.
You're riper than a fat boy in a clown costume.
- Hey. (GIGGLES) - Sorry.
Liam, coffee on the hot plate.
(TAP RUMBLES)
(CREAKING)
God damn it.
(SNIFFS)
I think that it's recently flushed.
(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
Two raptors circling the nest.
Phew! Nest is secured.
(KEYS JINGLE)
What's in the box?
New uniforms.
Oh, those are so cute.
Oh, hell, no. I am not exposing my legs.
Oh, come on, you'll make more tips.
Nobody sees my spider veins
except my gyno and the neighbor with the binoculars.
Don't have to work here anymore.
Fine.
Bunch of us are going to The Melody Lounge after work.
- You should come. - Is that a club?
It'll be fun.
I don't have a change of clothes.
- Of course you do. - Yeah, right.
(LAUGHS) Come on, you look fine. Hey, bring Lip, too.
(SHARPLY INHALES AND EXHALES)
You know, the Feds showed up at my internship today.
They took a couple of servers.
- What for? - No idea.
Those nerds are richer than balls.
I texted Caleb. Told him to meet me at the loft after work.
- You gonna compare vagina stories? - That's exactly what we're gonna do.
There's Carl.
(RADIO STATIC)
Carl Gallagher, please approach the ambulance.
Gonna need you to speed up, Carl.
(KNOCKING)
I'm coming.
You're gonna wake up the damn babies.
You must be from the topless maid company.
- You're quick. Can I come in? - Yes.
Yes.
Let me show you around.
As you can see, the place is a mess.
I'm gonna need you to do the laundry, wash the dishes.
Clean the floors, vacuum and dust the furniture.
Sound good? Okay.
Wow. Sorry.
This is happening.
Those are spectacular.
It's amazing how you stuffed them in there.
And now they're out in all their glory. Hallelujah.
(CHATTERING ON RADIO)
What's happening to me?
Gave you a jumbo dose of Thorazine.
My brain feels like cotton candy.
And that's the way you're gonna feel for the next 72 hours.
No way you get a boner on that shit.
Don't have to think about hairy balls anymore?
(CHUCKLES) What?
You guys are the best.
(SIGHS) Wendy, don't get me wrong.
I like what's going on here,
but are you gonna be doing any cleaning today?
Cleaning?
You didn't bring any Lysol, or ammonia, or a mop or anything.
You thought a topless maid service actually did cleaning?
Yes.
That's cute.
Here. My services are a la carte. Pick what you like.
-"Mop and Glow." - That's one of my specialties.
I'm sure it is.
-"Pipe Cleaning." - Old dudes like that one.
"Brazilian Floorwax."
That one's not what you think it is.
I have no idea what I think that is.
"Sham Wow"?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey. Finally decided to come home.
Did you trick me into having sex with a woman?
What?
So that you wouldn't feel bad about what you did?
Look, what are you talking about?
You made me feel like a freak 'cause I'm only gay.
How you feel is on you.
I slept with some random chick 'cause of you.
I didn't force you to do anything.
I can still taste her hairspray. And her pubes, and her vagisitis.
You obviously picked the wrong woman.
Don't turn this around on me. You're the weirdo, all right? Not me.
Because I like to have sex with women once in a while?
- It's not normal. - It's very normal.
If you're gay, it's not. It's disgusting.
Then don't do it anymore.
And it's a turn-off.
Me? I'm the turn-off?
If you sleep with women? Yeah.
Then why are we even going out?
I keep asking myself the same thing.
- Judgmental much? - Vagina-fucker much?
When did you become such a baby?
When did you become such a bisexual?
So, that's it, then?
Yeah, I guess so.
- Have a nice life. - Already am.
(CLICKING AND HISSING)
Kevin, what are you doing?
I got a great idea for a business.
- VERONICA: Where are the babies? - Sleeping.
- Monitor. -ls the house clean?
That is a great question, which is directly related to my new business plan.
- So,no? - You are correct.
The topless maid that I hired was more of an escort.
You hired a topless maid?
- Did you have sex with her? - Of course not.
What else did you think a topless maid service did, Kev?
I was focused on the maid part and not the topless part.
Which gave me this idea.
-"Nooks and Fannies"? - Yes.
We are gonna start a maid service that is not only topless,
but also cleans. We'll corner the market.
You expect me to clean someone else's house?
Don't have to. That's the genius part.
You two are the boobs of the operation.
She's gonna do the cleaning.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
I think these girls just invited me so I'd bring you.
He'!-
- He's here, he's here. Oh, my God. - Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Hi, Lip. - Hey. Hi.
Ah! (GIGGLES)
What are you drinking?
- Uh,been - Okay. You want something, girl?
Uh, a change of clothes. You guys look great.
Have a shot. It'll make you feel sexier.
Uh, two Stellas, and three shots of Jager. On my tab.
I saw you checking me out during my interview.
It was that obvious?
But I liked it.
Oh.
LIP: Thanks.
Cheers, Boss.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Ugh!
- Let's dance. - Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
Just so you know,
I have a kid and a stupid ex-boyfriend.
So, I'm not looking for anything serious.
Okay, well, I just got expelled from college, did 30 days in rehab, so...
So we're a perfect match.
- Hey. - What's up?
Is that Ariel's boyfriend?
No. She just met him on Tinder. Going to the bathroom to bang.
-(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh. - You on Tinder?
Hmm. Not into the meaningless, random hook-up?
Uh, nah, I'm more of a one-dysfunctional- relationship-into-another kinda girl.
- I'm taking a break. - This is why you need Tinder.
Give me your phone.
You're a hot piece of ass. You should be boning on the regs.
- Let's take a picture. - I don't know.
They always seem to get attached. Or maybe that's me.
You bragging about your golden vagina?
No, more like my golden ability to pick liars.
Then don't talk to them. Just swipe, fuck, leave.
Ooh, you already have three matches.
And Luke is at the bar across the street. Ready to rumble.
- Mmm-hmm. - Oh!
(SNARLS)
What the fuck.
YO, yo; yo:
- What's going on? - That.
Oh!
Holy shit. Fuck.
Don't say Papa never gave you a pet.
(LAUGHS)
Hey. He)'-
(SNARLS)
(SHUDDERS)
(LAUGHS) V!
V! Where are you?
Oh, V! Hi.
What the hell are you doing?
Can V come out and play?
It's 2:00 a.m. My kids, and my husband, and wife are sleeping.
(FIONA LAUGHS)
You know that that sounds weird, right?
You're drunk.
And fucked. I just Tinder fucked.
This guy. His name is like a J. Or an L.
Or some other letter. I don't care.
Careless, mindless sex has set me free.
- Tell me more about it tomorrow. - This guy was doing...
What the fuck?
Did you just close the door on my face?
- LIP: Found a pickaxe. - What the hell are you doing?
- Looking for demolition tools. - Fiona?
- There's a shovel in here. - She's asleep.
(CLATTERS)
VERONICA: It's me.
Hey, I brought you some coffee. I figured you might be hungover.
I am. What time is it?
Not as early as you ringing my door bell last night.
- Huh? - Don't "huh" me.
- Yo, Fi. - Hmm?
Pickaxe, sledgehammer?
Sledgehammer.
(LIP SIGHS)
- I'll see you upstairs. - FIONA: Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.
(GRUNTS) We're getting rid of Frank.
(GROANS) ow;
So, who is this random guy you hooked up with last night?
Key word in that sentence is "random."
I don't know.
Why you sleeping with random dudes, anyway?
Why am I not hooking up with random dudes?
- Some sort of rebound thing from Sean? -(SNORTS)
I'd have to care for it to be a Sean rebound thing.
Funny, you said the same thing about Frank.
Ooh. Having a rebound thing with Frank?
No, dummy. Caring.
You seriously think that I give a fuck about Sean? Or Frank?
It's been weeks, and you haven't talked at all
about what happened on your wedding day.
'Cause there's nothing to talk about.
So I'm not gonna talk about it. Ever.
(GRUNTS)
It's harder than I thought.
You're up.
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck?
CARL AND DOMINIQUE: Five, four, three, two, one.
(DOMINIQUE CHUCKLES)
Okay. Well, the 72 hours is up.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
English-SDH BY [PR]