Next time you miss Shameless,
I cut off your testicles and feed it to homeless dog
who lives behind Alibi.
But today, you get free pass. I tell you.
- Phillip. Tito. Senior intern. - Nice to meet you.
All right, follow me. I'll show you around.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
We are gonna start a maid service that is not only topless,
but also cleans. We'll corner the market.
Your thing is kinda weird.
It has all this extra skin.
Confronted Caleb about that chick. He's screwin' her.
LIP: That's a nice stroller. Where'd you get it?
I found it in the park. I'm gonna sell it.
- FRANK: Hello. - Hello.
- Care to join us, doll face? - Sure.
Sorry to bother you. I work at Patsy's. I'd like to quit.
We should just shut it down.
If I stayed on as manager, would you keep it open?
Just keep it afloat.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
- Shit! Shit! Sorry. - Oh!
You okay, babe? You have a bad dream? Oh, my God!
Hey, we were just working out. You know, just breaking a sweat.
- Sorry. Got to get that lock fixed. - Yeah.
Might take a while to get him back to sleep.
You good to hang? And we can finish our workout?
-(CHUCKLES) -(SIGHS)
No, you know what, actually, I should go.
I gotta be at my internship early.
What do you do there?
Uh, I work for free for a bunch of douche bags
whose asses I would've kicked in high school.
-(CHUCKLING) Sounds fun. - Yeah.
You know your way out?
Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out.
Okay, come on, babe, let's go. Lights out. Come on.
-(PEOPLE COUGHING) - FRANK: No, no, no, no.
No, no! You have to love me. That's your job!
- Shut up, man! - No,no!
MAN: Shut the fuck up! WOMAN: We're trying to sleep in here!
You're dreaming.
-(COUGHING) - You're crying in your sleep.
What you dream about?
Pain. Betrayal.
(PANTING)
Fiona and Debbie ripped my skeleton from my flesh.
Jesus.
Monica was there, too.
Sucking my blood through a straw.
And you were there.
And your kids.
And you put whiskey-drenched cotton candy back where my bones had been.
Who's Monica?
Love of my life.
Bane of my existence.
When you're all strung out,
-you do look a bit like her. -(SOFT CHUCKLE)
You taste like her, too.
Probably the tooth rot.
Slut.
I know you are, but what am I?
- There you go. -(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
Come on, Harriet, sleeping time.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Is she still scared of me?
Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
How do you say, "He had it coming" in Nigerian?
What are you doing up?
- Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. - Begging forgiveness?
Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more.
- Nice sex hair. -(SIGHS)
Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it, no strings attached.
Yeah, but you're female. Wasn't that always available to you?
Maybe, but Tinder makes it simple.
No confusion. No misguided weddings.
Now I just bone and go,
so I can save my energy for more important things.
- Like what? - Like my job.
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be
directing all your freed-up energy there?
You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
- Has a point. - Huh.
But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career.
What?
There's no offense!
Wow.
Some taken.
All right.
Kind of harsh.
- Only 'cause it's true! - You sure about that?
Working for free is called "slave labor," last time I checked.
Good morning. As a reminder,
this shelter is closing at the end of the week.
-(ALL GRUMBLING) - The Container Store franchise
has taken over our lease.
"The Container Store"? That's a thing?
Volunteers are passing out the addresses of other local shelters.
This says the nearest one is 60 blocks away.
Are we supposed to just walk?
Where are we gonna go to?
Back to Tent City, baby.
I hate Tent City.
That Santa-Claus-looking dude is always trying to make me sit on his lap.
No, we are not going to sleep in tents like Indians and hikers.
I'll find a place for us to squat. Some place clean and dry.
Or at least indoors. I'm the patriarch of this family, and I will provide.
Patriarch?
My dream last night wasn't just a dream.
Was it a hallucination from all the drugs?
A message from my highest self. I was awake all night thinking about this.
My kids ripped my bones out.
They betrayed me, they gutted me.
But you were there, you and your kids,
rebuilding me into the man I was meant to be.
Are you sure you're not still high?
Monica, I need this.
I need a new family of Gallaghers.
And you need a man to take charge.
- My name ain't Monica. - Did I call you Monica?
- Yeah. - It's another sign.
Can we come with you?
Where are your parents?
Mom's dead, Dad went out to score last week and never came back.
Jesus. Sign number three!
God is handing me a do-over!
Uh... Uh... New Carl, New Debbie.
- I'm a boy. - Really?
You need a haircut, Debs.
Uh, new Ian, New Lip...
You. Yeah. You alone?
Yeah.
- New Fiona! - Oh, no, I don't do three-ways.
Jesus, New Monica! She's my new daughter, not a three-way.
Although we should discuss the three-way thing, 'cause you're really missing out.
But no, that's not what this is about.
What is it?
You need new parents, I need new kids.
Grateful kids. Loving kids. Whiskey-drenched cotton candy kids!
Not the fucking ingrates that I've raised.
Welcome, New Gallaghers.
Come on, give Daddy Frank a hug! Come on.
Come on. Come on! Will you?
Yeah! There you go! Yeah!
Okay. Come on, buddy, can't be late.
Daycare's for losers.
Thank you, Frank. Oh, here.
I'm not violent, Joyalisi, just in a hurry.
Her name is Jo-la-yemi.
She can call me what she wants.
You owe me for the week.
Right. I'm sorry, I'm a little short.
My Internet business had a slowdown due to a lack of inventory,
but I'll have it for you tonight.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Okay, thanks! Have a great day!
(BABY CRYING)
- Luther? What's up? - What's up?
What's up is you gave my daughter gonorrhea,
you little shit stain. That's what's up!
- I did? - Run, Carl!
What the hell?
You better run, Gallagher!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- What? - I'm worried about Fiona.
I don't know what to say, I keep texting and deleting.
- Why worried? - Haven't heard from her.
I haven't had time to stop by. It's weird.
I have no idea what's going on in her life.
She's busy fucking strangers. It's new hobby.
- Very time-consuming. -(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Kev is on his way with the ice cream truck.
"Tittie van," you mean?
He already has seven bookings.
So what? I watch bar, you strip, Kev watches babies?
It would be more fun to strip together.
So, Kev watches babies behind bar?
No, 'cause he wants to drive us around, act as a bouncer, just in case.
A Pimp, you mean.
- So, who's gonna watch bar? -(HORN HONKING)
That's Kev.
Check it out, sister-wives!
We're gonna ride around in that?
Right?
(CHUCKUNG)
Whoo!
You know, my tits are smaller than this.
Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal.
Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.
Where are the kids?
Check it out! Custom-built. Are you ready for this?
What do you think? Is that genius, or what? They love it.
They... Look at "em. Look at 'em, they love it!
Hi.
What's that smell?
That's not coming from the van. Excuse me, sir,
this is a legitimate business here. Would you--
(BOTH YELLING IN RUSSIAN)
- Whoa! - What the fuck?
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh!
Shit!
(BOTH CONTINUE YELLING IN RUSSIAN)
What the fuck is going on here?
(SVETLANA PANTING)
This is my father.
He's staying with us for a while.
Guy at table eight sent back his burger and left without paying.
Said it tastes like ketchup-flavored cardboard.
Johnny, come on!
You burn any more of these burgers, I'm gonna deep-fry you.
You get me better meat, and I wouldn't have to char it.
That shit you bought tastes like freezer burn.
Well, I had to cut costs, otherwise, we all lose our jobs.
You get what you pay for.
Yeah, well, can't you get creative? Some new spices or something?
You think you can do my job better than me? You're welcome to it.
-(CELLPHONE RINGING) - You pick up that attitude in prison?
Hello?
Liam punched him where?
Okay, did he say that he was sorry?
No, I'll come pick him up.
I gotta go pick up my kid brother at daycare.
Try not to poison anyone while I'm gone.
What, are you gonna eat breakfast off of that floor?
- How long have you been here? - Came in early.
Caleb and I broke up. Needed something to fill my time.
Well, the shine's hurting my eyes.
MAN ON RADIO: Medic 12. First and Indian Heights.
Agitated female, tried to run into traffic.
Police have her subdued and cuffed.
- That's us. Let's hit it. - I'm coming.
Come on, let's go!
- Yes! -(CHEERING)
Yo! Smells like a brewery in here.
Because that is the smell of victory. Yes!
- Yes! - Yeah!
- How long's he been playing for? - About 18 hours.
Jesus. You guys watch him all night?
L gotta piss!
- That's you, man. - Okay.
Hey, so, you want me to play for you while you go to the bathroom?
I'm not bad, but I can't make any promises.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What?
Listen. You're not playing for him, you're changing his piss bag.
His what?
Well, he's wearing an external catheter.
What the fuck is that?
Well, it's a condom attached to his dick, attached to a tube,
and it fills up that bag.
- Why? -'Cause that's what champions do!
-(CHEERING) - Nice!
Just change it before it overflows.
Are you fucking with me?
Well, it's either that or you can pull the catheter off his dick
and hold the bottle and he can piss in it.
You're an intern. Grunt work is the job. And I've changed it twice already, so...
I have got to piss!
All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
God.
VERONICA: Why is he covered in shit, Lana?
He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
- He can't stay with us. - He's covered in tattoos.
Is that a penis fucking a skull?
Kev, he sold her into sex slavery!
- Yeah. He can't stay with us. - Tell her!
- Hey, Svet? - Yo.
Uh, he can't stay with us.
Yeah. Sorry. We discussed it. And we just don't think it's a good idea.
So, we live together, we love together, we even raise babies together.
But this decision, we do not make together?
She's right.
We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
He's good for babies. He's sweet.
He's also good behind bar.
He solves bartender problem while we go out and do tittie van business
so we can save money for college for babies.
You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?
English does not matter.
Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money.
I grew up in his bar.
Everything I know, I learn from this man.
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
- I'll go get him some clothes. - Don't you dare leave.
-(SIREN WAILING) - Dude, can you just slow down?
Paul said "agitated woman." "Agitated" is code for "mentally ill."
The cops already have her cuffed. She can't do any more damage.
She's suffering.
Well, Jesus, we're not gonna be able to help her if you kill us first.
Almost there.
- Burst your stitches again? - What the hell did you do to me?
Excuse me, but he has his finger up my ass.
Take a seat in the waiting room. I'll be with you in a minute.
- The gonorrhea? - What?
You gave me gonorrhea!
Jesus.
I didn't give him gonorrhea. I gave him a circumcision.
- He's a little old for that, isn't he? - That's what I said.
All right, I've seen TV, I know how you can get infections from these surgeries.
Why do you think you have gonorrhea? You have swollen glands? Discharge?
No, but my girlfriend has it, and her dad
wants to kill me, and the dude's a cop!
Okay. First things first. Let's run a test. Hop up on the table.
(SIGHS)
That's not the hole it goes in.
Whenever you consider not using a condom, remember this pain.
(SCREAMING)
Barkeep, six Bloody Marys, hold the Mary.
Here we go.
I hate Bloody Marys.
Tomato juice prevents scurvy, and beggars can't be choosers.
Put your stuff over there.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Who's this? - Svetlana's father.
Welcome, comrade. I'm Frank Gallagher, me and my kids drink for free.
Also, we're gonna be staying in the apartment upstairs for a while.
If Kevin were here, he'd sign off on that
because he once tried to kill me, and he would like to avoid prison.
(CHUCKUNG)
Also assuming you're a communist,
you understand the rich helping out the poor.
So, I'll just need those drinks.
Not for the kids. No alcohol for the kids.
They drink Virgin Marys.
And the key, which Kev keeps in the register right there.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(FRANK GROANING)
Christ on a cracker, Russians are strong!
- Are you okay, Daddy Frank? -'Course I am.
My spirit is like a cockroach. It can't be crushed.
My back's a little weaker than my spirit.
Come on, kids, let's go dumpster-diving behind the donut shop.
- No.No! - We're hungry.
I said I'll provide. (STAMMERING) I will provide.
Help me up. I know a joint.
Great pancakes, shitty service, cunty manager.
We'll get food there.
(SIREN WAILING)
- Ma'am, I need you to calm down. - No! Why aren't you listening to me?
Let me go, let me go! He's coming for me, I have to go. I have to go!
Kaylee Jones. She ran into traffic, says a demon was chasing her.
History of schizophrenia, but no violent crimes,
so I'd rather not book her if I can avoid it.
- Please. Please. - All right, Kaylee. Kaylee. I'm Ian.
- Where's the demon now? - He's coming! Please!
Then we better keep you safe.
I can do that, but you have to trust me, Kaylee.
- Can you do that? - He's coming!
I know.
Demons have been after me before, too.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
All right, we just have to get to the ambulance,
and then you're safe, all right, Kaylee?
- All right, you can do that, right? - Mmm-hmm.
Good. Let's go.
It's okay.
It's all right, I'm here.
OMG, your bag is to die.
Oh, thank you. It's a limited edition.
Oh, clearly. Is there anything I can help you with?
Um, well, Harry's only six months old,
but she's already wearing clothes for 18 months.
Do you have this cashmere sweater in a larger size?
I think I do in the back! Love her name, by the way. It's so retro.
Thank you!
VERONICA: I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl
until I was 10 years old, ready to work on corner.
For this, I owe him.
I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?
This is land of free, home of brave.
And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you
and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
- She's got a point. - Shut up, Kev!
I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot, too.
- You know what- - Okay, enough.
We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.
(GRUNTS)
Hi, uh, sorry, but can you move your van?
I live right over there, and I have some little kids
who are about to come out and play in the yard.
And?
And, uh, your van is very graphic.
- It's pornographic, really. - Oh, thank you. Those are my wives.
-(CHUCKLES) Well, lucky you. - Mmm-hmm.
Uh, my wife, I just have the one, highly-emotional woman.
And if my five and seven-year-old sons
are exposed to pornography for the first time while playing in our yard,
she's just likely to cry until I agree
to move to an even more expensive neighborhood.
Look, man, tell your wife this is a legitimate business
and under the 14th Amendment
we have every right to exercise our right to free speech and show boobs.
The 14th Amendment abolished slavery.
Goddamn right, it did.
Good thing, too. Because one of my wives is black and the other one was a slave.
Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
Oh, good. Thanks a lot! Now you woke up my kids.
Okay, look. Look. All right?
(SHUSHING)
Please. I'm begging you.
Father to father, husband to husband.
Come on, man.
I'll pull the van around the block.
Hey, you want a business card?
Just in case your wife goes out of town or something?
(SIREN WAILING)
Please. I can't breathe.
I will not let the demon near you, Kaylee. I promise.
I can't move. Please, undo them.
I'm not supposed to do that.
Please. Please, they're hurting me.
It's gonna be okay. All right? You're okay.
It hurts.
SUE: Ian!
- She's gonna be okay. - It's not protocol.
Please, help me.
Take a deep breath, Kaylee. All right?
- I'm gonna open them. - God damn it, Gallagher!
She's fine, Sue! Just watch the road, all right?
- She's fine! You're all right, right? - Oh, yes. Yes!
All right. Yeah, look at me, you're okay.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Ian! - See? She's fine! She's-
Kaylee!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, my God!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
When is the last time someone ordered liver and onions?
Just that old dude who comes in Tuesdays for the early bird.
Sorry, old dude.
So you can spend money on this camel-toe I'm forced to wear,
but the liver and onions is just too much?
Uniforms bring in business. Liver and onions don't.
FRANK: (CHUCKLING) Hungry as a horse, too. Hey...
- Table for seven, please. - No, I'm sorry, I don't--
- Out! - There's a booth open. Come on, kids!
- Out! - DOLORES: Come on, kids.
- I got it. I got it. - Dad! Mommy!
Hey!
She's not your mother, Liam.
Water is thicker than blood these days.
Yeah! And thanks to your influence, Frank,
Liam is no longer welcome at daycare.
He punched a kid in the balls and called him a gringo.
Okay, son! Glad to hear it. Give 'em hell.
- What's your name? - It's--
Uh, this is New Carl,
and that's New Ian and New Lip,
and this cute one right here is New Debbie.
- Can't I be New Dan? - There's no Dan.
NEW CARL: I'm hungry.
I'm sorry, but you can't eat here unless somebody shows me some money.
- How about this? - Oh. Perfect.
Mrs. Wilson, let me just take care of that for you.
- Oh! - Come on!
You're a heartless little twat, aren't you?
Almost positive I'm not.
I've got money. Took it all from teacher's purse.
You what?
Just like I taught you!
- Okay, can we get some food for my-- - No, Frank.
- Hungry, formally homeless-- - You all stink,
and 6 bucks won't even cover coffee.
Okay, kids. As we discussed. One, two, three, go.
-(WAILING AND CLAMORING) - No. You're gonna throw up?
She's gonna throw up.
Where's the bathroom? We've been doing drugs.
She's sick. Don't throw up!
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Fine. Fine. Just shut up!
- There we go. - No, none for the adults!
Bitch.
You tell 'em, New Fiona.
That's New Fiona?
- If the bra fits. - Okay.
Out or, I swear to God, I'm gonna call the cops.
- You wouldn't. - Here I go.
Wait. You'd call the cops?
Uh-huh.
What kind of a Gallagher are you?
I'm not a Gallagher. You disowned me, remember?
You just keep ripping my bones out, don't you?
Out.
Come on, kids. Leave it.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Ian what? Where?
Oh, shit.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.
Sierra, I got a situation. Can I borrow your car?
- Yeah, sure. - I'm leaving you in charge.
Text me if there's a problem and I'll talk you through it, okay?
Uh, are the asses in the window gonna be a problem?
Oh, Jesus.
Cops are on their way, Frank.
Guess I'll be adding public nudity to my complaint.
Traitor!
Who do I gotta blow to get a meal around here?
You don't need to blow anyone. Listen...
Ask and Daddy Frank will provide. Follow me.
Where?
To the best free chocolate chip cookie in the Upper Midwest. Come on!
In Russia, family is family.
We aren't used to parents seeing their children as sex objects.
Oh, your husband fucked your mother to make babies.
You want to ride on high horse?
I have two daughters. You don't see how that might worry me?
He will not be interested in baby girls until they reach at least 10 years old.
- You don't see how that's disturbing? -(GROANS) Oh!
Put your boobs away fast. Babies in the truck.
We're not done.
No, I know. But it turns out we can make way more money
by driving the truck around and just parking it. Come on.
Oh, sir, no charge, for lack of completion.
Help yourself to a cookie and have a look around.
Take all the time you need. I'm here to answer any questions you may have.
Kids, you heard her. Help yourselves!
Frank Gallagher. You working with a realtor this time
or you just here for the baked goods?
No, I'm my own salesman, so no need of a real estate agent.
But thanks for asking, Silvie.
She's a shark, this one. I hope you know how to negotiate.
(CHUCKLING) Mmm!
Too bad you're not as good a realtor as you are a baker.
SILVIE: You've got your cookies. On your way, now.
Let me just show you the master bathroom.
Oh! Oh, oh. Make sure you show them where Mrs. Kevitz died.
How long was it before they found her? A week? Two?
It was months ago. She died of old age, peacefully, at home in bed.
It's what we all wish for, isn't it?
It's hard to believe that you got the smell out.
It must've been a lot of air freshener.
Her nephew lives overseas. Very motivated to sell.
So, the master bathroom.
It needs a little work, but there's lots of potential there.
Nice to meet you two.
Is this gonna be our new house, Daddy Frank?
(CHUCKLES)
You know, New Debbie, that's not a bad idea.
- I get the biggest bedroom! - Dibs on the shower!
What? Hey.
What do you think, Moni?
- Home sweet homeless shelter. Yeah? -(GIGGLES)
Fuck me, I need a break.
Only break for you is the record you're about to break, brah!
(CHEERING)
Hey, let's replenish this food, all right?
Yeah, you know where the kitchen is.
Hey, what the hell, man?
I'm not a fuckin' slave, okay? I'm supposed to be learning something.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
All right, listen. I have a Rhodes scholar, an MIT Valedictorian,
and a chick with a great ass and a master's degree from Carnegie Mellon
who all want this internship.
The only reason you're here is because
Youens let me take my Particle Physics final
after I slept through it the first time.
Now, your attitude sucks,
and I am this close to using whatever little power
I have in this position to get rid of you.
Do you want that?
Just think about it.
Hey! Shoes off the bed!
Get dressed!
You've had your fun, Frank. Now get out!
I'm afraid you're gonna have to be the one to leave, Silvie. I got a lease.
I went behind your back and contacted the owner.
No, you most certainly did not.
- Prove it. - You prove it!
One year, with an option to buy.
You can't smoke in here!
Oh, come on.
Hey, kids! I need you to show Ms. Silvie the door.
You sick bastard. Using these kids for your own selfish-- Ow!
I'll be back with the police!
You stay here with the kids.
Don't leave, no matter what. Don't leave.
Okay.
- Okay. - I'll be back.
NEW CARL: Where are you going, Daddy Frank?
There's power in numbers, new and improved Gallaghers.
Lock the door behind me.
Use force to hold our position if necessary.
Please, please.
PARAMEDIC: Ready, one, two.
I'm sorry, it was a judgment call.
You took the restraints off a schizophrenic en route?
You are lucky she isn't dead.
It was a mistake. I won't make it again.
You sure as shit won't.
Look, I'm gonna cover for your ass this time,
but I need you to watch this.
Rita, I'm taking my meds.
You wanna keep your job, Gallagher?
Shut up and watch this.
(SIREN WAILING)
Ian, if Rita's telling you to go home, you need to listen.
Even if it seems unfair, even if you're feeling great.
You made a promise to Rita that no matter what,
if she thinks you're off your game, you're gonna go home.
So go, right now. Don't fight her.
I'm serious. Just go, all right? Go!
Come on, Ian. I'll drive you home.
What are you doing here?
RITA: She's your emergency contact.
- Look, I'm not having an emergency! - I disagree.
Rita, I'm not manic, okay?
You drove way too fast on the way.
You scrubbed the rig three hours before work,
and Woody had just cleaned it last night.
You were making breakfast in the middle of the night, Ian.
Your meds can go out of balance
when you go through a high-stress thing like a breakup.
Just take the week off and go to a doctor.
_okay. _okay.
WOMAN". Do you need any other sizes?
Um... Yeah. I'd love to see the jeans and pink sweater
in the next size up, please.
Still working on losing the baby weight.
WOMAN: Oh, I know, it's just the worst. Take your time. I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Been texting you.
Jeez, Carl, you scared me.
Yeah, well, your pops tried to kill me this morning.
Yeah? Probably best to avoid him.
I'm so sorry. I don't know how I possibly could have gotten gonorrhea.
You better get out of here. My dad'll be home soon.
Wait, so that's it? You're just gonna ride off on the bike I bought you?
I cut the tip of my dick off for you!
Dom, I love you!
(SIGHS)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
Hey, your little pixie tribe's in there trashin' the place.
Total shit show. (CHUCKLING)
Ma'am, I understand. I'm gonna get you your right order. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - What's going on?
I...
- Ow! -(SCREAMS)
Okay, stop! Stop, stop, stop! Stop. What's happening?
Johnny walked out. We couldn't reach you,
and we tried calling that guy Chad, but he doesn't pick up his phone.
Okay. Fuck. Okay, go back to the floor, and I'll handle this.
Uh, offer free drinks and tell everyone
we're just doing the cold menu right now.
Salads and sandwiches.
- Salads and sandwiches. - Okay, okay. Got it.
What's going on?
Uh, I had a...
The cook quit in the middle of the lunch rush, but I'm handling it.
Adam, hi. Uh, I need you to come in right now.
I'm saying pretty please. Okay, thanks.
Chad, you wanna help? Grab an apron, start making a BLT.
Otherwise, get out of my way and you can yell at me later.
You're leaving?
Uh, yeah. Sorry, nothing fit.
Bummer. Well, could I tempt you with this new white gold baby cuff?
- Just got it in this weekend. - Cute. Uh, maybe next week.
Could you have taken any longer? That's her. She's stealing!
- What? - I'm not stupid like your baby's name.
(SCOFFS)
- I'm saying, if you're in over your head-
- I'm not.
But you can't leave the diner unattended
-during busy hours. - I understand.
Well, I need assurance that this will never happen again.
Look, I have to take shit every day all day from a high school dropout
who could buy and sell me, 'cause that's my job.
I don't have time to also do yours.
Margo's a high school dropout?
That is so not my point.
I'm sorry that I wasted your time. It won't happen again.
Do better.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
(GROANS)
You have got to be kidding me. No. No, I cannot come right now.
No. No, don't call the police.
Uh, yes, I'll be right there.
The Container Store!
They're closing this shelter, shutting it down.
Not even bothering to replace it,
so they can bring in "The Container Store!"
A whole building that used to house human beings
will now be dedicated to selling things
to people who own so much stuff, they can't contain it themselves.
- So they need the help of a store. -(APPLAUSE)
Well, I, for one, am not waiting
for them to close this shelter at the end of the week.
And I am not wandering on foot for 20 miles
to find my way to another shit-hole
that they'll close next week to open a box store, or a paper store,
a bag store or a goddamn pet store.
(ALL CHEERING)
Because animals are more important in this country
than homeless human beings.
(CHEERING)
Well, I'm not waiting, and I'm not wandering.
I have found a new place to lay my head.
It's warm, it's dry, and it's local.
And I invite you all to join me there right now!
-(ALL CHEERING) - Right now!
Right now!
Let's go, right now! Yes!
But first, everybody grab a cot!
I'm here.
She's sorry.
Let's go, Debs.
Uh, not so fast. She was shoplifting,
so unless you're able to pay for everything she was taking, then I--
- How much? -$2,423.82.
- In baby clothes? - And mommy clothes.
And if you're not gonna pay, I'm calling the police, so...
Don't call the police.
She wasn't shoplifting. She just forgot to pay.
She does that sometimes. She forgets things.
It's a symptom of her low IQ.
Fiona!
She's retarded?
That's a deeply offensive word.
That's right, Debs. You tell her.
Sorry again for the trouble. We're leaving.
Where the fuck?
- You okay, man? - Yeah, I'm fine!
It's just you just opened that same cabinet, like, three times.
I'm thirsty.
Right. So you just try the fridge, second shelf.
- So what happened at work today? - They sent me home.
I'm fine, you know, but 'cause I have a history of mental illness,
they send me home when I make one mistake.
- Okay. I get it. - No, you don't.
What, I don't get how shitty Gallagher genes are?
I have to set a timer every time I wanna have a beer.
Frank's genes might not be quite as bad as Monica's, but...
But they suck.
Yeah. Yeah, man, they fucking do.
I haven't slept in a couple nights, and it's not 'cause Caleb's been texting.
I don't feel manic, but I never feel it when I'm manic.
I just feel fine or great until obviously I'm not,
'cause I did something crazy.
When you feel like your meds might be out of balance,
what are you supposed to do?
Up my downers, sleep it off, see the shrink as soon as possible.
Right. Then you do that.
I don't want to.
Yeah, I know.
You know, I didn't wanna go to fucking rehab, but I did it.
You know, and if I was gonna bare my soul to you, which I'm not,
but if I was...
You know, I might admit that I wish I'd done it a lot sooner.
You know, like, uh...
Before I got kicked out of college and ruined my whole fucking future.
Yeah.
How do you say sorry to a girl you gave a disease that could kill her? Flowers?
What? You gave a girl what?
- Gonorrhea. - Oh, shit. You get antibiotics?
No, I tested negative so I don't need 'em.
Okay. But Dom, she tested positive?
Mmm-hmm.
Uh, look, buddy, if you don't have it,
there's no way that you could have given it to her.
Wait, I couldn't?
No. But it means, she got it from somewhere else.
Like, from a toilet seat?
Uh... No, no.
More like, um...
Another guy's dick.
(DOOR OPENS)
I was just trying to be a good mom, Fiona.
You are so lucky that they called me and not the police.
I mean, you realize they can take Harry away if you get arrested?
They could also take her away if they think I'm special needs, Fiona!
Wait, what happened?
She was shopliftin', you believe that? Fuckin' Prada diapers.
Huh. My money was on stripping.
I was gonna sell them for money to pay Jolayemi.
I just wanted to get sleep at night so I could be a good mom.
Good moms stick around,
and going to jail would drastically affect your ability to do that.
Did you really think I was making money strippin'?
Don't get any ideas.
- Well, where you going now? - I have a job! And so do you.
Aren't you supposed to be washin' dishes tonight?
Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm coming.
- WOMAN: Five-O! Cops! - MAN: Oh, shit, man!
Oh, my God! What have you done?
Okay. Easy, easy, easy. Papa Frank's got this. Calm down.
Uh...
They're closing the homeless shelter on Winslow, so we decided to move in here.
Sir, who gave you permission to occupy these premises?
Uh, the Statue of Liberty when she said,
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
Jesus Christ when he washed the feet of the homeless
and also shared with them his wine.
And finally, uh, the owner of this residence.
That's a lie. They're trespassing!
Where is the owner?
He's on a Norwegian cruise at the moment, but--
I didn't have any trouble reaching him just a little while ago.
How would you even have his number?
I've lived in this neighborhood for I don't know how long.
I was very close with the old aunt.
She gave me the number a long time ago, in case of emergency.
What's his name, then?
If you don't know that, I'm not going to... Oh, Silvie.
Silvie has trouble letting go, Officer. She always has.
I'm sorry, lady. But I think this is one for the courts.
- You must be joking. This man is- - I know who he is.
And I know he's probably lying.
But I'm not about to arrest a couple of dozen homeless people and their kids
when it's your word against his.
- If you can get the owner on the phone--
- I told you I can't!
Thank you for your service,
and thank you for your protection.
You be careful out there, okay? You promise?
Thanks for dropping by, okay? Thank you.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah, Frank!
When's dinner?
GIRL: Yeah, when's dinner? I'm starving.
(HUMMING)
What the fuck?
(CHURCH CHOIR SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
Daddy Frank?
Can I help you?
Sweet sister, I surely hope you can.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mmm-hmm?
Hey, Fi, uh, there's only a couple stragglers left.
Cool for me to clock out?
You know the woman who owns this place dropped out of high school,
and now she owns, like, half the South Side
and a whole neighborhood in Indianapolis?
Jesus. She must've worked her ass off, huh?
Never got married. Never had kids.
Paid her dues. Invested her money.
"Leveraged" it, whatever the fuck that means.
Holy shit. She's worth 300 million?
Yeah.
So is it cool if I go?
Mmm-hmm.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
(KNOCKING)
It wasn't me, okay? I'm clean.
What is this?
Where is she? She's supposed to be at Latisha's.
Unless Latisha's the name of a college, she's not.
Are those Greek letters on that motherfucking house?
- Do you remember where this place is? - Yeah.
Come on.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah, does anybody need a coffee, beer?
- Beer. - Beer.
All right.
- Is there gonna be gunfire? - I sure as shit hope so.
OFFICER: Go. Go, go, go! Police! On the ground...
NEW DEB: Dear, God, thank you for Daddy Frank.
He's the best new Daddy we've ever had.
And please let him let me be a boy named Dan starting tomorrow.
- Good night, kids. - KIDS: Night, Daddy Frank.
You want a quick BJ, Daddy Frank?
That's just not right.
- What's going on? - I called a family meeting.
'Cause apparently she's the queen.
Hey, don't start shit.
You stay up all night with a screaming baby and tell me that.
- I'm not invited? - I just didn't wanna wake you.
- How'd you sleep? - Good. Slept all night.
You guys mind? I gotta get to work.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
All right, so, it used to be that we had a squirrel fund,
and everybody contributed what they could,
but I carried the bulk of it because I was the only grown-up.
But time has passed and things have changed.
Most of us are grown-ups now.
Or at least pretending to be.
So, I ran the numbers, and I came up with a system that I think is fair.
- What's this? - That's your share.
That's what you have to pay every month
towards the bills if you wanna stay here.
If we wanna stay here?
If you want us all to stay together, to stay a family.
Otherwise, I'll rent out your rooms or sell the house,
and everyone can fend for themselves.
Why is mine higher than Carl's?
'Cause Carl doesn't need diapers and rash cream and baby food.
Well, I fired Jolayemi because I can't afford to pay her anymore.
How am I gonna afford $375?
You're not in school, Debs. You could get a job.
Who's gonna watch the baby?
Not my problem.
The house belongs to me. I'm not gonna be paying rent.
The house and the bills are all in my name,
and it's my credit that's fucked if we don't pay.
And it's not rent. It's water, power, and property taxes.
Since when do you care about your credit?
Since now.
The only one who gets a free ride around here anymore is Liam.
So if you're out of work, file for disability or welfare or get a job.
Also...
I want you all to put me at the bottom of your emergency contact list.
Put Lip first, and then Ian,
and then Kev and V, and then me.
Because I have a plan for my life,
and I can't do it if I'm getting a call every five minutes about one of you.
And just so we're clear,
I'm just as likely as anyone else in this family to make something of myself.
And it's about time you got that, you arrogant shit.
You see what Frank's doing down the block?
Pile it on, friends! Don't be shy, get your fill.
God does not want you to go out into your
busy day of begging without a full belly.
FIONA: Wow.
My family's really uppin' the ante, huh?
Tell me about it. I got three kids, a wife, a husband
and a father-in-law with a giantjohnson that I've seen twice already.
- What? - We have a lot to catch up on.
What is this? Looks like Communist Russia.
"Gallagher Home for the Homeless"?
This shit smells good.
Frank, you can't have a homeless shelter here.
I beg to differ, neighbor.
- Momma! - FRANK: (CHUCKLING) Oh!
English - SDH BY [PR]