Look, I have Frank and Monica as parents,
even I know how to show up and turn on a fucking TV.
The fuck happened to you?
First of the month. Pony up.
Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
Find husband.
- DEBS: Where's Derek? - You scared him.
He doesn't wanna have a baby.
I've had a hell of a day, we haven't really spoken in weeks.
You're busy. No time for me and my shit.
Military school changed my life.
- Fiona, I wanna go to military school. - You serious?
Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.
Our yield on gross revenues are shit.
FIONA: You know that the woman who owns this place dropped out of high school,
and now she owns, like, half the South Side?
- I'm packing, dummy. - Fuck, you brought a gun in here?
No, I am a trans man.
So, you don't have a dick?
Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it, no strings attached.
FRANK: Welcome, new Gallaghers. Home sweet homeless shelter.
All in favor of preserving the shelter?
One local hero has decided to take a stand.
- Uh, who're you? - Dylan Oswald, your new boss.
LIP: You knew that you were hooking me up with a shady business?
YOUENS: Is it a crime to rip people off who're ripping other people off?
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
- Hey. %GRoANs)
- Hey. -(CHUCKLES)
Shit. What time is it?
SIERRA: Still early.
(EXHALES)
Sorry for crashing overnight.
It's all good.
I gotta jump in the shower and get ready for work, though.
Should I wait or, you know, I could join you or...
(CHUCKUNG)
Everybody's gonna be up soon.
Better if you're not still here.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay.
I don't like a lot of casual guys hanging around.
Confuses Lucas.
Yeah, no, I get that.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll see you at the diner later?
Yeah, after my intern gig.
It's the first day back after the Feds busted us.
So, I have no idea what I'm walking into.
Sounds fun.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER FROM OUTSIDE)
(CLATTERING)
What the hell? (FARTS)
Sugar, either I'm still high, or we got company.
What're you doing there, amigo?
Checking the roof, pendejo.
(DELORES GROANS)
Oh, God.
Are they throwing us out again?
(WHIMPERS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- Mr. Gallagher? - No. Maybe...
I'm Elena Torres from the Make A Nest non-profit on Troy Street.
Your news coverage has been making quite a stir
in the social services community.
Ithas?
We've got some good news concerning your housing crisis.
You... Uh, here.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, come on! Hey, hey, get a room, you two.
Sit, sit.
(STAMMERING) I'll stand.
- Yeah. - Mr. Gallagher,
perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein, the real estate mogul?
The billionaire who got busted emailing dick pics?
Mr. Epstein is actually a philanthropist for the homeless.
After seeing you on the news,
he immediately contacted our community service organization.
- You're kicking us out? - No. No, Mr. Gallagher,
Simon Epstein purchased this house for the South Side homeless.
A billionaire with a bleeding heart and a big dick bought this place for me?
Uh, he bought it for all of you.
And he's asked our organization to manage the property.
We're getting calls from corporate interests
who would like to become sponsors.
Because of your commitment to the homeless,
this is now public housing.
Mr. Epstein will drop by later today
for a quick photo opportunity with you and your family.
I own this place.
No. Uh...
Notjust you, but, yes, it is off the market,
and we are thrilled to be part of your cause,
and we would love to participate in any way we can.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yes.
(GRUNTING AND MOANING)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTING)
(MOANS)
(SIGHS)
I may have broken a Tinder record for how many places to hit it in one room.
So, uh, take the L or call an Uber?
Wow.
Okay. Down to business, huh?
No offense. It's just, I'm running a business,
and I can't save chips unless I'm working.
Oh, I get it. Sex, and back to thinkin' money.
Just a little word of advice,
if you're really a business woman, you'd stack chips, not save 'em.
(LAUGHS) What are you, my financial consultant?
"Marketplace Consulting international"?
You mean, you're actually a financial consultant?
Let me know when you wanna book an investment consultation.
I'm just a swipe away.
Bye, Fiona.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BEEPS AND WHIRS)
(RATTLES AND STOPS)
(STOPS)
- Shit. - Uh-oh!
(RATTLES AND STOPS)
What was that noise?
I think it was the sound of the washer dying.
Fiona broke it.
I gotta get some loads in before I have to go to work.
(FIONA GROANS)
Just call V. You can use her washer.
No V.
What's wrong with V?
I guess we're on the outs.
We got into it pretty bad about me not being there for her
and her not giving a shit about me.
And we haven't spoken since.
Don't start the wash yet. I need to throw in one of my shirts.
- Can't. - Washer's broken.
What am I supposed to do about my military school interview?
I can't go in there smelling like one of Frank's homeless.
You're still going through with that?
Don't they check your GPA for military school?
Dom's dad wrote me a killer recommendation.
- Who died? - Another appliance.
Oh, shit, the washing machine?
Yeah, it's the one fucking Jimmy bought for us.
I should've known it would never last.
I guess you're gonna have to date another shithead con artist
to replace it for us, huh?
Somebody has to call to get this fixed, and it's not going to be me.
What am I supposed to do about my shirt?
Oh! Uh, there's such a thing as a sink.
Oh. Flintstones livin' up in here?
Yo, where's Debs?
I think she's avoiding me
'cause she doesn't have her portion of the monthly utilities.
You are being kind of cunty about it.
Yeah, she really thinks you're gonna kick her out.
Maybe you wanna set her straight?
Who says that I'm not?
Somebody drop Liam at daycare. I gotta hit the laundromat.
Yeah, I'll take him.
Come on, bud. Go, go, go, go.
Straight caveman.
(GIGGLES)
How're the books coming, Lana?
Uh, much better with reduced overhead.
Now, we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.
Come on, fist bumps, kids. Fist bumps.
- Mommy, Mommy and Daddy... - Fist bumps.
...are making money!
Ha! Breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.
Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns?
We're married.
We got tax returns?
We can claim as dependents. But we would have to do adoption.
Whose kids are we adopting?
She and I would adopt each other's since we're married.
We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.
Wait, wait, wait. So V adopts Yevgeny.
Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?
That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
He either said, "I burned your breakfast," or "I fucked up your eggs."
SVETLANA: He said, "Good morning."
-(KEV EXCLAIMS) -(KIDS LAUGHING)
Fiona gone?
She knows you're avoiding her.
Don't feel like being harassed about the bills.
I still got two days to pay up.
IAN: She's not really gonna kick you out.
She just wants you to make an effort.
She's a bitch. My stuff will be on the street in 48 hours.
I've got to find financial security for me and Harry.
All right, well, I'll loan you the money.
I get paid on Tuesday.
Hmm, yeah. $372?
You owe $372? What, is that baby formula made out of caviar or something?
It's cool. I'll get the money.
I've got time. I can handle it.
She's not gonna kick you out.
- Hot water, thank God! -(LAUGHS)
Don't gotta clean my flaps with disinfectant wipes no more.
Whoa!
Uh... Whoa!
My family, and un-bathed brethren,
we have won the first battle for homeless dignity by staking our claim.
We demanded our 40 acres and a mule, our three bedrooms and a toilet,
and yours truly has delivered it upon you.
-(ALL CHEERING) - Thank you very much.
But, listen, now that we got the hot water turned on,
we wanna make sure that it stays on,
and let's keep food and illicit substances in our belly.
So, I'm sending you out in groups
to ply the most basic commerce known to mankind,
begging. Okay?
You four, take the bodega.
You three, um, the dry cleaners.
You, sir, you look like you could use a touch of grooming.
So, let's send you to the barbershop.
Okay, let's go. Other people's money waits for no man.
Go out there, give 'em homeless. Yeah!
(WATER RUNNING)
I don't understand why you're not on board.
KEV: It's just the whole lesbian wedding thing again.
You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.
It is just paperwork to secure more money for Amy and Gemma.
What if something happens to us?
Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.
I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em
if something happened to us?
Fiona only cares about herself anymore.
Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend.
We have the key to her house.
And I'm pretty sure that half our clothes in our closet are hers.
Then I'll take 'em back.
Is this a permanent thing between you two,
or is it until one of you caves and apologizes?
Screw Fiona.
It's time for us to move on and think about what's best for our family,
and that's Svetlana. Adoption will give our kids stability.
Don't you want them to have more than what we had growing up?
I still get to be called, "Daddy" no matter what.
Or, "Big Poppa."
-(YELLING) Oh! -(LAUGHING)
Your choice, baby.
Chicks in uniform rule.
Not into dudes. Especially the teenage kind.
Save your compliments.
Impressive letter of recommendation, Mr. Gallagher.
I know some people.
You should definitely reapply next year.
We're at capacity this fall.
All 75 slots for this upcoming term have been filled.
Wait, so that's it? No interview?
We'll definitely keep your application on file.
Well, the brochure says that incoming classes have 100 students.
The remaining slots are reserved for students of color.
We try to strongly encourage the under-represented groups to apply.
Native-Americans, Pacific Islanders, Hispanic,
and, of course African-Americans.
I'm part Black.
Black Irish doesn't count.
We'll contact you if anything becomes available.
Marco Nunez? You're up.
Go fuck yourself, Pancho.
Slow morning, Etta?
Change machine's out of quarters.
I brought quarters.
Some of your machines are broken too, huh?
Oh, people keep using slugs so they won't have to pay.
They get jammed in there tighter than a string bikini in my ass.
I ain't fishin' 'em out.
My load's not done. I need change for a dollar.
ETTA: There's your change.
FIONA: You gave her too much change.
I did?
You wouldn't have to deal with quarters if you got swipe cards.
Tell that to the new owners. Not that they'd care anyway.
You're sellin' the place?
Ah, those North Side suits,
they been poking around trying to buy out my lease.
I think they're trying to rack up the whole block.
I told 'em to get lost. (CHUCKLES)
What do they want to do with it?
Turn it into a Starbucks or a cheese and wine shop.
I can't handle this place since Wendell died.
You know, we tripled customers over at Patsy's when we updated.
I'm too old for that.
- Worried about my babies, though. -(MEOWS)
Seriously? The cats?
Kitty's getting her thrills, huh?
(CHUCKLES) The newbies around here don't understand the South Side.
You and me, the lifers, we still get it.
DYLAN: Just rented this new space yesterday,
and I need you to order 25 desks, five printers, scanners,
make sure the Trinity gets the swivel seats with the nice butt cushion.
Uh, need a new espresso machine, the Breville 870XL,
and a treadmill desk for Joe. You jotting this down?
Yeah, yeah. No, I got it.
All right. Gotta pimp this place back out, man.
We lost a quarter of our staff,
so we need you to get everyone back on the network.
Lost a quarter of our staff, huh?
Yep.
Your intern got scared off,
so you're gonna have to hire a new one and fetch your own lunch.
Mine, too.
Yeah, Game Change is back up and running.
(LAUGHING)
Good, Candice, 50 bucks is a great start.
But, we got to talk about technique to increase our profits.
Oh, an out-of-work vet is worth at least 40 bucks an hour, Hector.
Try to triple this, all right? And, please, just say no to pennies.
Frank, I need to speak with you.
Well, well, well. The prodigal daughter returns.
How do I make some money? Fast.
No,no,no. No free advice for Gallagher traitors.
Come on, Frank. You've been hustling your entire life.
I need expertise.
I already have a Debbie to bestow my gentle wisdom upon.
Yes, Daddy Frank?
You see? She knows who the real papa is.
Isn't that a boy?
Not to me.
Well, what about your granddaughter? Don't you care what happens to her?
Oh, you mean that strange mixed-race kid with the butch name?
What if I change her name back to Franny?
Franny for life? No take-backs.
Fine.
Come here. Can I pick you up?
Oh, I've missed you! Yes, yes, yes. How much cash are we talking about?
$372 in 48 hours.
Well, that's a fast turnaround. I hope you're good at hand jobs.
Well, I don't know.
Shake a lot of snakes to come up with that kinda dough.
Anything that doesn't involve touching male anatomy?
(CHUCKLING) Oh! Good sign, Morris.
- Yeah. - Shouldn't that be "homeless"?
FRANK: No, spelling deficiency is good for the cause.
You know, you're really wasting your best assets.
Young, white, mother, female. You're a cash cow on the corner.
You want me to be a prostitute?
No, don't be ridiculous. Competition is way too steep.
But stick a sign with you and a baby in your arms,
and just watch the middle class pity roll in. Go.
Begging?
Yep. He)'-
Hey. Got your text. What's up?
Hey. Grab a bag.
This for Frank's shelter?
Yeah, one of my teens from the youth center is moving in.
- HeY- - HeY-
Ian, this is Gia.
Hi. Appreciate it. Not as strong as I look.
These shits are heavy.
Cute and got manners. Nice.
Gia got kicked out of the house. We're lucky the shelter had some space.
Hey, Frank didn't give him too much shit about moving in, did he?
Gia's a her, not a him. Her proper pronoun is, "she."
Your dad's a local hero.
Well, Frank is a Frank, not a dad. And his proper pronoun is, "it."
We, uh... We hanging tonight?
Hope so.
(MUSIC PLAYING IN EARPHONES)
Jesus!
Sorry.
Uh, what are you doing here?
Uh, looking for Margo. Is this still her office?
Uh, she's out for a deposition today.
What's the problem?
There's no problem.
I just came to report that Patsy's is doing great.
We've been overcrowded on our off-shifts,
and our nighttime crowds are so heavy we have to take names for tables.
- Good work. - Thanks.
I got a lot more ideas, but I'd like to discuss me getting a reasonable cut.
Cut of what?
The profits.
Seeing as how I'm the reason that they increased.
(CHUCKLES)
On what planet do diner managers get a cut of the business profits?
I turned that place around.
Yeah, so we wouldn't close it down.
I worked 24/7, and got itjumping.
That's above and beyond manager.
I busted my ass on that shit diner, and I'm not gettin' paid what I'm worth.
Join the club.
Nobody making a paycheck is paid what they're worth.
Look, you have to own something to make real money,
and Margo's the only owner around here.
Fine, what about an additional 50 bucks a week?
You just got a raise. Not gonna happen.
So, who's married to whom?
- We're married. - We're married.
To each other.
But we still have relationship with all three of us.
I'm Big Poppa.
And who's adopting whom?
She adopting our daughters.
She's adopting son I had with jailbird.
And that's him?
No, this is Big Poppa. He's a good daddy and a good husband.
Jailbird in jail. Not daddy anymore. New daddy, Big Poppa.
Huh. Fascinating. And your triplets?
My son, their daughters.
So weird how we have to keep explaining our situation to people.
It's like they'd never heard of a menage é three.
This may be the most exciting adoption case this firm has ever seen.
I mean, I'll be the face of the modern family.
This is career changing.
So, we negotiate discount fee. For a mutual benefit.
BEVERLY: Let's get the paperwork started to begin the application process.
You'll need to gather all of your healthcare information
to build your case file. And the same for the children.
All of their checkups, immunizations, MMR vaccines.
Oh.
- MMR vaccine? - Not now, Kev.
What do you want?
I didn't get into military school, sir.
You fail the drug test?
(SIGHS) No. They said the only slots left were for colored people.
People of color, son. Don't say "colored people."
It's reverse racism.
So, what you call all the white slots? Reverse-reverse racism?
Well, I told 'em I was part black. They didn't believe me.
You've met my brother, Liam.
Somebody in my family's been dipping in the chocolate.
Can you write me another letter, tell 'em I qualify for a diversity slot?
You want me to vouch for your blackness?
If it wouldn't be too much trouble.
I don't know what you are, Gallagher. Part black. Part white. Part dipshit.
Any asshole can claim black by convenience.
It's not fair, sir.
White man's burden, son.
Until there's some genuine racial balance out there,
you gotta take the short end of the diversity stick.
Well, where am I supposed to learn to be a real man?
Gonna be stuck in this hood forever.
Ugh! Two arson victims, a 35-year-old heart attack,
and a projectile vomiting three-year-old, and it's not even 5:00.
Yeah.
How's your stain coming?
Gonna need something stronger than baby wipes.
That kid got you good.
Yeah, it's not my first time wearing projectile vomit.
Usually there's cheap beer and fists involved.
Oh, we're all hitting up the bar after work. You wanna come?
Ah, no, I'm supposed to meet up with a new friend later.
A new friend, huh?
Sounds like a rebound.
You gotta go slow.
My last rebound slashed the tires of the rig I was working.
I had a patient in the back with a Coke bottle shoved up his ass.
Not a rebound, all right?
Just a guy I met.
His name is Trevor. He's a lot of fun to hang out with.
It's just platonic.
There's no such thing as platonic.
You're either boning or you're waiting to bone.
See, that's why I only hang out with my coworkers.
'Cause after a day on the rig wearing everybody's piss and vomit,
-none of us are fuckable. - What?
- No offense. - Ah.
No, trust me, this friend is just a friend.
- Can't be any other way. -(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Is that your strictly friend there texting?
Address to a yard party tonight.
Boning or waiting to bone, Gallagher.
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, we connected yet?
Uh, no, I need someone to login to complete the network setup.
All right.
There. Create a temporary password and get it done.
Once we're back on, start tweeting from our account.
Folks need to know we're alive.
Hey, so, one second the offices are getting raided by the Feds,
and the next we're here like nothing happened.
How do you guys stay afloat?
Making a shit ton of money.
Think we don't budget for that kind of crap?
It's part of the business plan.
Like the first time we were live, 14 months.
This time it was 20. Called progress.
Yeah, but won't you guys just end up getting busted again?
No, there's no crime in fantasy sports and processing credit cards.
The Feds can try to fight it till they're blue in the face.
So, I was thinking, you know, since we got less staff now, um,
-any chance maybe I could get paid? -(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Sarah's Pomeranian needs to be at the groomer before lunch.
Got it.
Since we're gonna be new parents,
we should probably all have the same last name.
How about Kev's?
Great. We'll all be Balls.
Pregnant again, V? Congrats!
I'm not pregnant. We're adopting each other's kids.
Adopting kids you already have?
You wanna take some of mine while you're at it?
Did we get the kids the MMR shot?
Isn't that linked to autism?
In Russia, we don't do vaccines.
In winter, we send baby out to nap in cold,
it gets immune to virus.
So, the doctors inject the babies with a virus to prevent the virus?
But does that mean that they give 'em a virus that they didn't already have?
The government did that to black soldiers with penicillin.
Gave them syphilis. A lot of 'em died.
Government wants to give our babies syphilis?
My sister gave her kid that shot,
now he just hides in a corner and hums show tunes.
Vaccines are the greatest medical invention of all time.
No polio, no smallpox, no measles.
You want your kids to end up with scarlet fever?
Used to kill thousands.
- Sounds bad. - Was bad.
It's not as safe as they say.
Better than polio.
So, we experiment. Don't give vaccine to all babies.
Just some. See what happens.
- This is like my family. - Yeah.
Just like a family. Highs and lows, right, ladies?
- Lot of highs. - Lot of lows.
You're a real people's champion, Mr. Gallagher.
- Thank you. - If there's more you need,
please, don't hesitate to let Elena and the organization know.
Well, good sir, since you're so generous, we could use a new television
to keep us distracted from the drugs.
And a microwave, new refrigerator, some appliances.
Maybe a furniture upgrade?
- We'll send some things over. - Thank you.
Now, which ones of these kids are yours?
Want to make sure they get in the picture.
Oh! This is little Liam right here.
- Hey, there. -(CHUCKLES)
Nice smile, son. Okay, show 'em your pearly browns.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Here's your check. - Thank you.
- Hi. -$15.83.
Take it off my tab. And I'll be back with more so don't touch my things.
Gallagher,
been looking for you.
As much as an annoying and otherwise rodent-like pest you've become
in my daughter's life,
I've grown to feel a sense of responsibility for you.
Military school might be your best shot to avoid being human scum.
You going to vouch for my blackness?
Still, no.
But you can take a DNA test to prove your African ancestry.
All it takes is an oral swab of your cheek.
They swab my ass cheeks?
Oral, Gallagher. That's the mouth.
Huh. Cool.
Pick you up at 10:00 a.m. sharp.
-(SIGHS) - Debbie?
-(BABY CRYING) - Hey, Tanya. What's up?
What are you doing out here?
Just raising money for Franny.
Job scarcity and nobody's hiring. Crazy, right?
Got any spare change? (CHUCKLES)
Do you need help or something?
Or, like, a babysitter?
No, we're fine. Just doing whatever it takes.
If you talk to Derek, tell him I said hi.
I'll see you later.
Hey, my corner, freckle face.
Excuse me?
Pack up your stuff and get lost. Belongs to me and my baby.
I've still got 355 bucks to earn. Find another fucking corner.
Oh. No, you know what, I think I'll keep this one.
- What are you doing? - Marking my territory.
- So am I, bitch! - No,no!
- Hey! -(BABY CRYING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
You're a terrible person!
- HeY- - HeY-
You get a quote on the washer?
Uh, I didn't have time today. Can't you handle it?
I was serious about not taking this house shit on.
I'll pay my fair share of whatever it costs to fix it.
But until then, I'll keep taking my quarters to Etta's at the 'mat.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
This DJ is wild! Whose place is this?
My friend Kali. She's a legendary party promoter.
She even planned one for Prince in Paisley Park.
It's been a while since I had someone to party hop with.
I miss this shit.
Good to see you let your hair down, Red.
I turned around profits at the diner, and I asked for a raise,
but how can I ensure my future?
Well, you might want to consider a SEP-IRA
or a Roth-IRA to prepare for the long term.
You know, I'm surprised you messaged me again.
(CHUCKLES) I know, my rule's one time,
but I could really use the tips, and, you know, you're a great lay.
(CHUCKLES) No problem.
You might also want to consider bonds.
Some low risk, high yield, perhaps something more aggressive.
I can do all this stuff on a manager's salary?
Investing and ownership is really the only way to go from being poor to rich.
Ownership?
Yeah. Anybody who's really rich owns something.
Or lots of something.
Next time, we can just meet in my office.
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah.
DEBS: $337 per pint of blood.
I can sell two pints before my body goes into shock.
(SIGHS) No, you're right. That'd only last us a couple of months.
Ten dollars per square inch of skin.
Seems kind of low.
We still have time. I am not going to let Fiona kick us to the curb.
How much for one cornea?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Had some of your things at my house, so I thought I'd bring them by.
Oh, those fit you better than they fit me anyway,
you can just keep 'em.
Not sure what you wanna do with the spare key, but...
FIONA: I can bring by your stuff later.
No need. Kev'll pick it up.
- Fine. - Cool.
- Hey, V. - Hey!
Sorry, Kev put that one in with the colors.
Oh, it's okay. Thanks.
No problem. That's what friends do for each other.
Jesus, any colder in here, we're gonna need parkas.
What's with you and V?
Really couldn't go to the laundromat just like everyone else?
Just 'cause you wanna ice everyone out doesn't mean I have to.
What's up with you?
What's up with me?
I'm working around the clock, I'm doing great.
What's up with you?
Jesus, how hard can managing a fucking diner be
for you to stop giving a shit about us and V?
Who says I don't give a shit?
I'm not gonna apologize for getting my life together.
V will be fine once she realizes that self-improvement is not a crime.
And so will all of you.
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
- Where's that go? - Over here.
Guys, watch your backs.
You fucking seeing this?
Is that a new washer-dryer getting delivered to Frank?
Even the homeless get better stuff than us.
(DOOR OPENS)
Okay, so which one of you little titans is getting vaccinated first?
This one's first. She gets the whole bundle.
None for her, and for the boy, can we get, like, half of 'em?
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
- Oh! _Hey!
- Yo, bro! - Jesus!
- Just... Sorry to interrupt. - What's up, dude?
- No, no, we're good here. - Yeah?
So, catch you later?
GIRL: Fuck off, Joaquin.
HEY-
Hey, you guys here to get the swab kit?
- That's right. - For both of you?
LUTHER: Just for the kid.
All right. Just so you know, we got a special promo
going on today if you're interested.
Get two DNA tests for half off. So basically, you get one free.
Just for the kid, thanks.
What are my chances of being from the Motherland?
As in Africa, or as in...
Africa.
It's pretty fair, actually.
You know, I had the test done and it changed my life.
Found out my family was from the Fulani tribe of Nigeria.
Been there twice now, planning on moving there next year.
Even changed my name to Chuku.
What was your name before?
My slave name was Lin.
Hey, what if we were in the same tribe, Mr. W? Wouldn't that be cool?
(SUCKS TEETH) I don't think so, Gallagher.
How do you know we aren't?
We could find out. We'll let you know when we get the results.
A two-for-one special's kind of unbeatable.
If I find out any of your people owned any of my people,
I'mma have to shoot you.
God.
- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!
- I'm sorry. - Need a ride?
(BABY COOING)
(LAUGHING)
Frank! Aren't you supposed to be buried under some bulldozers?
Take more than that to kill this cockroach.
Barmaids, whatever you have on tap for the wife and me.
We getting married?
It's a figure of speech.
No more running bar tab for sewer rat who never pays.
I assume you're referring to Kermit,
but I'm ready to reconcile my debt. Give me the numbers.
$223.75.
How about just for the last 30 days?
$223.75.
It's gonna take real money, Frank.
- Kev's not here for you to confuse. - Mmm-hmm.
What other kind of money is there?
What, you rob a bum there, Frank?
Or a lousy stripper? (LAUGHS)
Old-fashioned entrepreneurship, my friends.
I create financial opportunities for the homeless,
I get to keep a nest egg for myself. The American way.
Careful spending all that in one place.
How're you gonna afford your drugs?
That's a good point. It may be time to increase my profits.
$223...
And 75 cents.
(GIGGLING)
Mmm!
You got me crazy, woman.
Properly boozed and debt-free. What a way to live.
(GIGGLES)
Uh, one second. Neil?
I took the bus. I met a redheaded girl with big ta-tas.
- Uh, you two know each other? -(CHUCKLES)
This is my brother. Excuse him.
He was in an accident and says whatever he's thinking.
Neil, no ta-tas.
Oh. Sorry.
He seems sweet. And Franny seems to really like him.
I'm hungFY-
I have to work, but I'll bring you a burger, all right?
- Okay. - I can sit with him.
You sure you don't mind?
Totally sure.
Okay. Uh, if he tries to touch your tits or anything,
just swat his hands away. It's involuntary.
Okay-
I'll bring you guys some Cokes.
Who is that weird, creepy guy sitting with my sister?
Uh, my brain-damaged brother. Debbie sitting with him cool?
Yeah, of course.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey. - Hey. Peppermint tea.
Sober-tonic before heading into work.
Good idea, thanks. Come on.
I had a blast hanging last night.
Yeah, the party was epic.
Might need to go light a few days to recover.
Well, we can always hang out at my place next time.
Watch a movie or fuck.
What?
Dude, come on. You were all over me last night.
We were drunk.
Call it whatever you want. But, you couldn't keep your tongue off of me.
You were in heat, ready to hump anything that moves.
I get it if you're too scared to admit
that you've got the hots for a trans dude.
I'm not scared of anything.
I'm into cock.
(SCOFFS) What, afraid you'll get your world rocked, Red?
You do have a vagina, right?
Like, technically, not philosophically?
I have a cock for packing.
I have several silicone cocks for fucking.
I consider to have a cock connected to my body.
The "vagina" is a non-factor.
It's cool. Okay? There's no need to be freaked out.
We can just be friends.
Really hot friends who both have cocks.
Give me a shout when you're free to hang, all right?
Sure, yeah.
See you later, friend.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
So, workforce or college, which one's the bigger scam?
Uh...
I don't know, maybe equal, I guess.
Look at all this fresh meat.
College's gotta have an edge on that, right?
Yeah, higher concentration, maybe.
I don't know about an edge.
Not planning to come back?
Urn, I'm interning for a bunch of rich college friends,
degrees bought and paid for by trust funds or whatever.
I tutor douchebags like that in Micro Engineering,
they all still end up with the jobs. It sucks ass. But...
We could hack these fucks,
-and they wouldn't know what hit 'em. -(CHUCKLES)
Wait, what?
Look, I'm already into their system helping them reboot the company, right?
Easy access to reroute credit card payments to our own account.
Is this what you came up here for?
- You're the smartest lowlife I know. -(CHUCKLES)
So, you had an accident?
I rode my skateboard into a bus.
What does your hair smell like?
Uh... Shampoo, I think.
- Were you wearing a helmet? - No.
Like, strawberry shampoo or dandruff shampoo?
Closer to strawberry, I think.
Did you sue the bus company?
Yeah. We won a lot of money. And disability.
And I like babies. And I like yourjuicy booty.
Involuntary, right?
Uh, do you have your own place?
Yeah, with my sister. Is it soft?
My booty?
Uh, sort of, I guess.
Your nipples are hard through your shirt.
Uh...
Who takes care of you?
Sierra when she's not busy. But she's busy a lot.
Hmm.
So let me get this straight.
You have your own place, your own money, and nobody to take care of you?
Neil, do you believe in fate?
- Hey. - What's up?
You mind if I use the washer? Some of Liam's stuff.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Just keep your mouth shut,
the babies are still sleeping.
Oh, man, they got their shots today, well, some did.
Waiting to see on who gets sick. These viruses, deadly stuff, man.
Oh, uh, Fiona left some shit for you. It's V's, I guess.
- What, hooker boots and CD's? - IAN: Yeah.
Did Fiona tell you what's going on with those two?
I think I must've missed something.
Not really. She's just being weird about the whole thing.
Must be what it's like for kids whose folks are going through a divorce.
One minute they're BFFs, the next minute
you're picking on who you wanna live with.
It's stressing me out. I mean, I'm picking V, obviously,
but it doesn't mean I don't miss Fiona.
Oh, they're both being stupid.
What's going on with you?
- Same ol' same ol'. - Oh, dude, don't hold out on me.
I've been dealing with toddlers all day, talking ABC's.
Telling them what sounds a cow makes.
It's "moo," motherfucker, it's "moo."
(BOTTLES CLINKING)
I'm thinking about fucking one of my friends.
Sweet! Why you even think about it? Just do it.
He's got a vagina. Kind of.
What, like, a real vagina? Or he acts like a pussy?
No, no, like a real live vagina.
Except I'm not supposed to call it that
because the vagina is like a fucking non-factor. I don't know.
So, is it imaginary?
No, I think it's more like a man cave.
I don't even know if we're still talking about body parts.
Uh, you know, I really like the guy,
and he's hot.
I don't wanna mess with the friendship part,
and I don't know if I can suck silicone cock.
Right. Right. I'm still confused. ls guy vag different from girl vag?
Don't worry about it. I'll be back for Liam's clothes.
Oh, thanks for the adult convo, Kev.
Glad I could help, man.
Hey, Etta, those suit guys hassling you again?
Whose suits?
From the North Side? The realtors?
Oh!
They offered me 100 grand for the lease,
but they said I couldn't live upstairs with my cats no more.
They trying to kick you out of your apartment?
I've lived in this place since the '50s.
Now, they're trying to buy out my lease and take my apartment too.
You don't have to get run out by these guys.
I bet if you offered a few perks, offered free delivery, maybe,
you'd get a ton more people up in here.
Hell, I've been doing other people's wash since I was in diapers.
We could split the profits. You wouldn't even have to worry about it.
What's the use, honey?
Rich people always win.
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
Seventy-five bucks. Not bad, New Lip.
Not bad at all. I'm gonna take 50% for the savings fund.
I thought it was 25%?
I'm contributing to home improvement.
Electric bills for flat screens and washers don't pay themselves.
What do you say, troops? Keep it or send it back?
ALL: Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!
Don't forget who's looking after your financial future.
ALL: Daddy Frank! Daddy Frank! Daddy Frank! Daddy Frank!
Daddy Frank! Daddy Frank! Daddy Frank!
Hey, hey, hey. We can't hear the TV.
Tight-ass lady at table two says she owns the place. Asked for you.
Mushroom turkey burger with sweet potato fries is our most popular.
Chad said you stopped by today, asking for a raise.
We're doing great. I think I earned it.
How are your prime costs?
Food cost is at 35%.
Lots of new items on this menu.
I removed 20 old items that weren't selling,
and I saved 2% on meat costs by getting rid of the triple beef burger.
- Labor costs'? - Down to 28%.
I deserve that raise.
I authorized Chad to give you 25 extra bucks a week.
I asked for 50.
- We're negotiating now? - Yeah. We are.
You got a city block for sale somewhere?
Or a rundown apartment building in some up-and-coming neighborhood?
'Cause those are the only people that I negotiate with.
I'm throwing you a bone. Take it.
And I will take that mushroom turkey burger.
Okay. Adoption application is ready for signature.
So I gotta admit, as much as I was worried about this whole adoption thing,
I kinda like being Big Poppa.
On count of three, we take shots and we sign.
(COUNTS IN RUSSIAN)
To thrupple kids!
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Yo. - What's up? We in the system?
Uh...
LIP: I hide a transfer beta where they won't see it.
Now.
Screw you, Rocky.
Mr. Gallagher, we didn't find any African lineage in your strand.
- LUTHER: Hmm. - Wait. Really? Are you sure?
Mmm. But we did find 33.5% Native American ancestry
traceable to the Apache tribe.
You mean I'm an Indian?
And, Mr. Winslow, your DNA test reveals 22% Irish traceable to the Puritans.
What... As in Pilgrims?
Mmm-hmm. That's right. You two are the Pilgrims and the Indians.
Didn't your people kill my people?
Don't say another word.
Apache, bitch. I'm going to military school!
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) - IAN: Who is it?
MAN: Deb Gallagher at this address?
Debs!Foryou!
- Uh, yeah'? - Debbie Gallagher?
I'm Tony Cases, from the Department of Children and Family Services.
We want to inform you that we're opening an investigation
to determine whether or not your daughter, Francis Gallagher,
is the victim of child endangerment and neglect.
-(BABY CRIES) - What?
(BABY CRYING)
This is you, correct?
(GRUNTING ON VIDEO)
SVETLANA: Babies look okay so far.
Don't see any smallpox or measles.
-(GEMMA COUGHS) - Oh!
Gemma sounds like she's getting a cold. Did she vaccinated or no?
Yes. Wait, no.
Wait, shit, I forgot to write it down.
No. Yeah. I don't know.
English - SDH BY [PR]